Last week I was making my usual sweep through my precious one’s phone: checking texts and Instagram accounts and all the things. He looked at me and said, “Mom. When I am going to have some privacy on that thing?”
I am still giggling about that question. Lord, I love these small humans in my house.
Here’s a more articulate version of my reply:
“Well, honey. Requesting privacy on the internet is sort of like requesting privacy in the middle of a baseball stadium during the World Series. Both the internet and baseball stadiums are—by very definition—very public places. If you say things on the internet or in a baseball stadium, people are free to hear those things. Your mother is one of the people who are free to hear. This is true for many reasons—not the least of which is that she has undoubtedly purchased your tickets to both the internet and the baseball stadium.
It is understandable that you need privacy in your life, honey. Some examples of private spaces are, for example—the bathroom. Or inside your brain. Or even behind the closed door of your bedroom. I don’t have my own bedroom like you do so I don’t know how that kind of privacy must feel—but I’m not bitter about that. Let’s stay on track here. What I’m suggesting is that when you need privacy for your thoughts, perhaps think them in your head. Or go into your room and write them down inside a diary. I promise never to read your diary. A diary is private. The internet is public. Different things.
“But what if my ACCOUNT is private?” he said.
I’m so glad you asked about that! When YOU, my son, create an internet account that other people visit, imagine that your account is like a room into which you are inviting people. It’s as if you are hosting your very own party! So fun! The thing is that since you are twelve—there is no such thing as your very own party. Since you are twelve, any party that you host is really hosted by ME. What goes down at your gatherings is my responsibility. And making sure that your gathering is positive and safe for all of the guests you’ve invited: that’s my responsibility, too. Your party, my house.
I understand, honey. You are almost a teen and so it’s your job to fight for your right to party on the internet. Please feel free to keep doing your job, and I’m going to keep doing mine. I’ll just be here in the kitchen every night—scrolling. Peeking in. Asking questions. Learning more about you and your friends. Looking after and over you. And then talking to you about what I learn. I love you and your friends so much—and I want to help you learn how to create beautiful, fun, safe, hilarious, internet gatherings for each other. Trust me, babe—it’s possible to throw REALLY GREAT INTERNET PARTIES. I DO IT. I could be, like – your LOVE WINS INTERNET PARTY PLANNER.
Whatever, mom.
Exactly, baby.
Parenting is hard. Even when—ESPECIALLY WHEN—you’re doing it right. 
Let them keep doing their job, and you just keep doing yours.
And don’t become so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget you already have one.
Carry On, Warriors.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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143 Comments
Momastery is a safe-haven of shrewdness and warmth, where Glennon Doyle’s experiences reverberate profoundly. Praise to Momastery for encouraging a local area that commends legitimacy, love, and the chaotic, wonderful excursion of parenthood. The site is a guide of solidarity and weakness, advising us that we are rarely alone. An exemplary stage where stories join together, and hearts track down comfort. Supports to Momastery being a directing light, enlightening the way of effortlessness, empathy, and genuine association in the turbulent and wondrous universe of parenthood.
Great! I like your blog
this is a great post for kids!
Beautiful loving mothering-thank you for this blog post! We need to take care of our children offline and online.
One of the best blogs I came across in recent time. Great information. Thanks for sharing. Keep up the great work!
Thank you for this post. I modified to share with my almost 10 year old who thinks she is 15 and should be able to do anything or talk to anyone on the interwebs. I’m selective about what kind of apps she has and what kind of accounts, and reserve the right to check over them frequently. This conversation with your son helped me explain why I need to do so.
Totally nonsense. Your son’s question is actually “When can you learn to respect me” instead of “are things on the Internet safe”. Don’t use the cyber-security craps to cover the truth that you’re not respecting your kids’ privacy and actually against the law to force them to let you check their personally communication records.
Are you a parent? Seriously….your comment is nonsense
I didn’t allow any access to social media until age 13.
At age 13, some social media was allowed, email with a shared account, cell phone with no data and no texting allowed, phone calls only for emergency use.
We gradually loosened restrictions. “Have you ever gotten porn spam?” “Yeah, gross, I just delete it unopened.”
I paid for one of the social media accounts to be “paid” rather than “free”… and if things were public, I very occasionally read them, and I wasn’t secretive about it.
We talked a lot about WHY I had the restrictions I did, and what the concerns were.
There’s a balance.
And it depends in some measure on the individual kids. My middle child will likely never have unmonitored access online. She’s disabled, and not very verbal, and has zero impulse control and lots of behaviors that would be problematic. Devices with cameras don’t have social media access, period. When she learns how to generate texts, we’ll start her with an app that allows limited texting to specific numbers only. She is in the absolute highest risk group for sexual exploitation. Unless she at some point can demonstrate enough common sense and self control to comport herself online in a safe and responsible manner, she may never have unfettered access to the internet.
My youngest? He’s growing up computer savvy. But he has a tendency to sneak that has already required me to limit his access to programs without robust parental controls (Netflix, I’m looking at you, side eye, HARD.) He will not have social media until 13. If he has a phone before that, you can bet it’s going to be monitored heavily. We’ll ease into the rest of it.
I am troubled by this thread. Basically people are arguing the issue of privacy versus safety. Glennon has a post, The One Conversation that could save your teen’s life, which talks about teaching your child how to say to no to things: drinking, smoking, etc. I thought it was great, you give your kid an out when they are in a bad situation. You give your child the chance to socialize and be out in the world with all that is in it, good and bad but guide them on how to handle it. You don’t show up at the party unexpected just to see if your kid is following the rules. Why would we not do the same with social media? Why would we not teach them about all the evils that are on it and then trust them until they give us a reason not to? It ‘s what we do in real world situations. I think by giving trust, our children rise up to be trustworthy. I think people need to ask themselves what exactly they are afraid of. Make a list and then determine if your list is valid. Yes, bad things happen, I know this. But bad things happen in our own neighborhoods and schools. Social media presents a larger web but I feel like all this checking creates a situation in which our kids believe we do not trust them enough to make good decisions. And I do believe my friends that are vigilant social media checkers have the sneakiest kids. Most teens just want a little freedom with their friends, just like we did. Obviously, it depends on the child. One who is showing signs of being troubled or bullied or whatever may need different rules. But I fear kids will internalize the suggestion that they can’t trust themselves to make good decisions. I feel this checking creates situations in where kids get sneaky even when they are just sending silly snapchats at each other. Then parents find out and it gives fuel to the fire to check even more. I know we are all just trying to protect our kiddos and keep them safe. And granted, I have 3 kids, 22, 19 and 13 and am not a checker. In our case, we’ve not had anything horrible happen but we do talk a lot about what is out there and what to stay away from.
I agree with you. Children need their privacy. I never checked my daughters internets happenings and she turned out to be a wonderful woman. No drugs, drinking or getting into trouble. On the other hand she had friends who’s parents were into all their business and they got into all things troubling. My daughter is a college graduate, going to nursing school. She also has a full time job and has been living on her own.
So to all the parents who are looking at every little thing that your child does, think how this makes them feel. No trust can lead to horrible consequences.
I am not worried so much about what my child may do (because I do trust her), but by what other kids may be posting. I’ve been monitoring her Instagram for about a year now, and in that time I’ve seen another kid threaten suicide, talk of cutting, an unsolicited sext, racist/ homophobic posts, etc. We talk about all of this openly. The phone is not a right, it’s a privilege, and when she got it she signed a contract that said I could monitor her accounts.
In other areas, I am not a helicopter parent. My daughter goes places with friends after school, on her own. She walks about a mile to school by herself. I send her to the store to buy things. I don’t really even monitor her homework unless she gets stuck. But given what I’ve seen on Instagram, I really wish every middle-school parent were checking their kids’ social media accounts now and then.
HELP!!!! we are parents of a transgender FTM 16 yr old…..we didn’t set up any cell phone “permission to look over your shoulder” boundaries when he-she- was younger and now we feel totally stuck.
A good friends daughter was just caught sexting….now we feel bad about no internet/cell phone boundaries in the past in our house – we really were dealing with other stuff too-so how do we start NOW to implement something like” I pay for your cell and data usage, therefore your Mom has the right to look once a week where you go online”…..I think this might be called backward parenting??????
any suggestions are welcome
“Sweetie, I’m really worried about you being safe and having a good time online, and this thing with NN’s sexting has me scared to no end, because (naming your reasons). Are you experiencing anything you want my support in, online? I wish I had thought about how to be a supportive parent to you online sooner. Can we talk about what each of us needs with regard to your online presence?”
Glennon, I wish I knew you when my daughter was younger!
Added to the parental responsibility for your children is the fact that the owner of the cell phone account, internet account, wifi (the parent?) can be held legally responsible for inappropriate pictures and posts (child pornography)…. My phone, my account, my internet, my house!
Now, my daughter has just turned 18 and will be off to college in a few days, but I hope she remembers what we have taught her through the years!
G = my spirit animal.
I’m intrigued by some of these heated (& repeated…for the love!) comments. I personally find this to be a wise (& hilarious) approach to allowing privacy in certain contexts and keeping your child safe in others, but I also know every parent makes the choices that they feel are best for their own family. I don’t think G has said anywhere that this is the Rule for How All Must Parent, so perhaps a little less defensiveness and a little more love are in order. 🙂
xox
I’m with Glennon here. 12 is 12. And believe me it is a different creature then 16. At 12, they post videos of people having sex and think it is hilarious (dear god I have no idea where they find them) by 15 or 16, most would recognize that as gauche. So I’m with Glennon, all protections in place at 12, start slacking off 15, 16, 17 — they leave the house at 18. You want to protect them until they are smart enough to protect themselves. The brain won’t be fully cooked until 25, but you do what you can. And Glennon’s terrific idea — tell them up front you’ll be checking on things, you’ll keep their password, etc., means you are not spying. They just won’t put anything on the internet they won’t say in front of you.
12 is not nearly teenager. 12 years is teenager!
Child’s who has not reached puberty.
Teenager who is hit puberty.
Adult who is reached reproductive capacity.
The adolescent rebellion is nothing more than the result of an adult being treated like a child.
“Two-teen?”
Whether you want to call “twelve” a teenager (in contradiction to the common understanding of the word), that little human being is still my legal responsibility for another 6 years. Hence, I am the gate keeper and the inspector of everything, until such time that this little human being is legally afforded the ability to be self-reliant.
Sorry, Vic. An adult is the person paying the bills, keeping the lights on, and the fridge full. A teen is someone who’s age ends in the sound “teen”. Twelve does not do that. The fact that you think 12 is an adult is a cute reminder that 12 is not an adult.
Nope nope NOPE. Although this sounds a lot like the justifications made by people who date those much younger than themselves. A 12-year-old is in our current jargon a “pre-teen” as “teenagers” have ages that end in that word. And legally, one is not an adult until the age of 18. People can reach reproductive capacity as young as 10; there are kids who have to be reminded to shower at that age. Being an adult is about BRAIN development, not chronological age.
12 is not teenager. 12 years is teenager!
Child’s who has not reached puberty.
Teenager who is hit puberty.
Adult who is reached reproductive capacity.
The adolescent rebellion is nothing more than the result of an adult being treated like a child.
Oh, how you spoke from my own heart! My 12-year-old ‘Internet party lover’ fights me tooth-and-nail about this issue. And I continue reading, peaking, monitoring and investigating where his lanky little fingers are taking him online. I am ‘that’ mom, and I am okay with it.
The words I always use when a pre-teen tantrum is on the horizon are, “Because I love you.” It works. Every. Time.
Love you, Glennon!
Good moms … UNITE!
12 years is teenager!
The adolescent rebellion is nothing more than the result of an adult being treated like a child.
Child’s who has not reached puberty.
Teenager who is hit puberty.
Adult who is reached reproductive capacity.
SO YOU HAVE SAID
Really Vic? Some girls menstruate at 9. I don’t think that makes them an adult.
Why don’t you just make your own account and tell your kid if they want an account on any website, you’ll have one too and you’ll see everything they see? Then you don’t have to log into his.
I can’t imagine these kids won’t start feeling smothered.
Love this Glennon!!! So perfect. My son is only 1 but I will keep this in my back pocket for the future 😉
After teaching your kids how to swim, you (as a responsible parent) stay by the pool to make sure they are safe. You don’t just walk off and leave them there to navigate the waters on their own, because they are kids with limited abilities, limited knowledge, and minds that are fragile and still developing.
If we want to teach our kids how to navigate the unsafe waters of the internet, we need to stick close by, monitor what is going on, encourage them as much as possible, and jump in to save them if necessary.
I disagree with this practice. I consider my son’s phone/internet on the same level as his diary. Email, texting is private and intended for the recipient only. You can’t call these public no matter how hard you try.
And even in this article’s description, internet can be akin to being in a very public place – so does this mom follow her kid everywhere he goes? I mean a lot more can happen in the washroom of a MacDonald’s than on a chat line and those bathroom trysts were happening long before online chatting existed. The internet didn’t invent child luring by sexual predators, that’s been going on long before any of us were parents. In fact the stats now say that there is less sexual predatory behaviour now than 25 yrs ago when I was a young teen.
And no the sites he visits aren’t any more private than a baseball stadium, but in that analogy you would be at the stadium with him. So instead of snooping on his phone, join the sites he is visiting and see for yourself instead of building distrust and giving your child a lack of confidence in what you likely have taught him already. I suspect you didn’t wait for him to have a phone before talking to him about appropriate online behaviour/privacy. Nor did you keep the training wheels on once you taught him to ride safely.
I would rather parents educated their kids about private vs public behaviour and then trust them and understand that mistakes are normal and opportunities for more learning, not distrust.
If a parent’s inclination is to delve into their child’s privacy, my first thought is why don’t you feel you can trust your child and what are you going to do to build that trust? And if you can’t trust your child – why do they have an internet device anyway?
This is just another form of helicopter parenting.
Hi, unfortunately this is not just about trust but is about protection. For example, when my son was in 6th grade there was a troubled young girl who liked to take nude photos of herself and text them to boys. Boys are silly and as you can imagine there were a group of them that started forwarding her photos around, after all she had sent them freely . The school received a visit from the police department after a parent complained and several boys had their phones confiscated by the police and were told that actions such as This could bring forth sexual criminal charges. These boys were anything but sexual criminals. I have seen things kids/teens have written in chat rooms and if the wrong parent got ahold of these communications these kids again could find themselves on the wrong side of the law. That said, scan through your kids texts and choose your battles, as in don’t flip out over everything you don’t like that you see. You will sometimes learn more than you care to know but you can also protect your kid to the best of your ability. P.S. I don’t always spy but have benefited from software that allows me to see texts. Again, wih this you can’t address much of what you have seen but you sure have a heads up on things that really need intervention.
Not sexual criminals, but badly behaved. I bet they knew they were doing wrong, and yet they did it anyway (as we humans do.) Guidance and oversight was definitely helpful there, if a little late.
You sound oblivious and in denial. Your kids is going to be looking at shit. Period. You can either guide your child with grace and instruction, or you can tell yourself that showing him you trust him will keep him out of trouble.
I wish your comment had a like button. Just thinking this. Thanks @Darlene
Such an awesome article! And, honestly, aside from the really rude few comments, I find the back and forth discussion about why some people agree and others disagree to be really insightful. Nobody has all of the answers, and we all bring our own ideas to the table to raise our kids the best we can. Thank you for sharing your fantastic analogies, and for opening the door to an important conversation. As the mother of a tween daughter and 10 year old boy, this is exactly the territory I’m heading into as well, so I appreciate the spark of insight.
One other thing, some of you say that at 12 years old, he doesn’t have the maturity and comprehension to understand what he does in the internet, but we weren’t 12 in the age of today.Not only is that a huge insult, but these children are growing up with these technologies and I can assure you that they know what they’re doing.
I am 43, have 5 children, 2 out of the house, one married with a baby and the other engaged. I didnt cling to them forever because my wife and I had to work. They knew themselves that they were headed in the right direction from my guidance, not overprotection.
Steven- 23 Married
Wanda-22 Engaged
Raymond & Jayda 18
Evangeline- 16
Child’s who has not reached puberty.
Teenager who is hit puberty.
Adult who is reached reproductive capacity.
I don’t agree with this style of parenting. What you really need to do is to encourage your child to come to you when there is a problem. By scouring through his phone you are putting strain on your relationship. You should be able to trust him to make the right decisions because telling him how the internet and privacy work is teaching him well. And he should trust you enough to be able to come to you with a problem. And, I’m sure that if I was your child, I wouldn’t come to you with an online problem because I couldn’t trust you, he might think that, “If she searched through my phone, what’s to stop her from searching through everywhere and everything.” You may think you are asserting your athority as a parent, but there’s a fine line between ahorita assertion and over-protection.
Please check your kids online activities. My 12 year old daughter has had a phone for 2 years and was always responsible with it until the last month or so. She has been skyping in the middle of the night with people I don’t know, lying about her age, and we are inforcing a total break from technology until she breaks this bad habit and starts sleeping through the night and re-engaging with her real world friends and doing the things 12 year olds need to do.
You pay for the phone & the wifi & the service and you may look at it anytime .
I agree. Same thing happened with us.
Hello, I just want to say well done Glennon. There are a lot of snarky and difficult comments on here. First off, if you don’t like what she has to say, you have the right to not read…go read something else. Or choose to respectfully disagree without saying why you think her kids are going to be eternally screwed up. Would you want someone telling you all the ways they think you are screwing your kids up? Because honestly, no matter how perfectly you parent, you are still messing up.
As someone who grew up during the early 2000’s (and works with teens now), I am grateful their are parents out there checking phones. There are ways to help your child by checking and by following up with their phone usage. I got into porn at a young age b/c my parents didn’t know to do these things. I ended up with a serious 10 year addiction because no one asked or checked. By all means, teach your children how to use the internet responsibly. Show them how to be mature and have honest conversations. But also, check their phones, follow up, keep the lines of communication open. Accountability is vital at this age, they are teenagers, not grown adults. None of you are growing up in an age where you have unfettered access to the internet and every dark hole it has to offer. There is beautiful and wonderful and hopeful things on the internet. But there is also darkness, and pain, and terrible things. As a parent, your job is to keep your kids safe and help them navigate the world as best as possible. To not check their phone is leaving them adrift in a sea they have no idea how to navigate. It’s not giving them freedom, it’s being naive. As they grow, you give them more responsibility, but don’t be naive, be aware of what they are doing online.
This is a blog, what’s on here is public and can be argued/opposed. I found none of the comments snarky, just from a different POV…if you are so close-minded that you can not have a civilized argument on a blog without resorting to calling other comments snarky then don’t post at all. None of the comments were trolls.
Yes! This^^^
My husband has developed an app called Phew! which is set to launch later this summer. Phew!’s video player offers ‘related’ videos that have been carefully curated and parent-approved to match both a child’s interests and their respective age. User comments have been disabled so kids won’t be exposed to vulgar language. By providing a Virtual Village, SocialSource is giving families a voice and choice to parent on the Internet. Now, parents have both the power of influence and power of numbers to band together and approve kid-friendly websites, videos and games thereby creating The Internet for Kids. I’d love for you to give it a try. You will love it as much as your kids! Let me know if you want to be in our beta program.
I bookmarked this blog to read to my 13 year old son. The opportunity presented itself tonight when he asked why I invade his privacy by spot checking his phone. I read your post to him aloud, to which he promptly replied, “Mom, you really need to get off of the blogs. They fill your head with crappy ideas”. Bahahaha, nice try, kid. I’ll keep doing what I do because that’s my job. Freaking teenagers 🙂
There’s lots of issues in here pertaining to privacy and maturity. At 12 Chase doesn’t yet have a mature perspective yet on what it means for his image, or conversations with others, or sensitive information, to appear online. The choices about online activity that he might be okay making now are not necessarily the choices he will be okay with once he is grown up; when he is more mature he’ll be far better placed to decide what sort of sharing conforms to his sense of moral and ethical conduct, and what just feels ‘okay’ for him as a person, depending on how private he is etc. These issues touch on informed consent too- kids can obviously ‘yes’ to things that they wouldn’t say ‘yes’ to as adults, so I can understand a desire to keep a finger on the pulse of their online activity within their social circle.
There is Chase’s online activity, but there is also your online activity involving Chase, and I think the above concerns are relevant for the latter just as much as the former. I wonder about these same sorts of issues (consent, maturity, decision making) when it comes to parents getting the all-clear from their kids (or not) when they choose to share images of their kids, details of conversations and conflicts with their kids, and accounts of their kids’ activities, online to a wide audience. What happens if he decides later on that he isn’t comfortable with you having shared images of him, and the details of sometimes tricky and sensitive conversations that involve him, online to a very large audience? You are regulating Chase’s online activity, but at 12 he can’t reciprocate and regulate your online activity that pertains to him in an equal way. How do you navigate a way through that?
^^ Yes to everything Laura said.
From experience, when parents go through phones. Kids respond by hiding it better. And better. And better. Wait until the phone is encrypted. The account is private. The email you’ve never heard of. And the passwords don’t need to be given to the parents because they aren’t an item for them to own, but instead deemed information. Safe from the demand of others voluntarily.
The parents may own the phone. But they do not own the software on it. Nor the accounts or passwords. If they want you locked out of the device. They can. Sure you can take the device away, but they don’t have to let you on. Sure you can punish them for it. But at that point. Your kids just wants some privacy, and you’re making it so difficult for them. Why not teach them how to use the internet responsibly, and accept you can’t control them every second of every day.
Lets not forget there’s no law requiring passwords to be given to anyone, even parents. so if you’re that worried about your kids that you go through every inch of there phone. That doesn’t say anything but the lack of trust the parent has in the kid.
I speak from experience here. I’ll never forget my father demanding I give him the password to my phone, which I truly didn’t have (android used to use one time passwords on devices when you have 2 factor authentication on, there was no way to retieve the account password).
Technology needs to stop being feared. And instead be taught responsible use. And if you’re that worried about them on online. Buy them a dumbphone and cut them off from the internet. Because that’s the only way you’re going to keep them safe if what you demand is control.
Also, last quick comment.
All sites of social media require the users to be over the age of 13. Its the parents fault at that point for even letting them on the site. You, the parent who wasn’t observant enough to notice the box that says I agree I am over the ages of 13, are the problem. You, the parent that feels they need to control there child’s life completely, are the problem. Not your child or the internet.
Do you have children? I’m not saying it to be condescending if you don’t but it’s much easier to understand and not be so judgemental when you are walking the minefield of parenthood. It’s terrifying. You constantly question and re-evaluate your parenting techniques and adjust to do what’s best for your child. You stay up late into the night evaluating pros and cons, weighing choices…your choices may not be what another parent would do, in fact it may be the total opposite but that’s okay because you are both doing what you feel is best for your children. We shouldn’t judge each other, we stop and listen and learn.
My daughter is almost 12. She has a social media account and a phone. I keep tabs on both but I don’t discuss it with her. I do it because I don’t want to be an ignorant parent who is so surprised if catastrophic circumstances arrive in my daughters life. I do it to stop problems before they become permanent scars. I’m not going to take away the Internet because I believe these years are for her to take some practice flights under my watchful eye. These are the years for her to make stupid mistakes and learn from them. There has never been an expectation of privacy in our house when it comes to the Internet so my kids don’t care. This is the way I parent. So far it works for us, maybe someday I’ll need to re-evaluate but for now I’m confident knowing that I’m doing what’s best for my kids. Just as I’m sure you are/would be if you have kids.
Mel…. You’re doing it right!
I agree with your first paragraph but not your second. Glennon has it right, I think, you tell your kid you have the password and you will check — you do not make them think they are communicating privately when they aren’t. Then they have every right to feel betrayed.
Let’s be clear, kids will still have private conversations about all sorts of things — in person. Not transferrable. But what they write on the web can be copied and pasted all over the place. And trust me, it is a cesspool out there of stuff other 12, 13, 14 year olds are posting. They get smarter, lots smarter, at 15 or 16. BIG changes happen from 12-16 — they become different creatures. Most of them.
Well said, I have kids and I totally agree with you Andrew. Its parents like the one above me with the “almost 12” year old who is allowing her kid to be on a site shes not eve old enough for thats the issue. By allowing them to join early, you are teaching them its ok to bend the rules. Those age requirements are there for a reason.
I’ve read all of the comments. Wow, so hard to be a parent in this day, for sure. What I have learned though, is that we can only do so much to protect them. I mean, have you been to the check out at the grocery store?! Good golly, last year I decided to flip the Sports Illustrated mag. and the back was worse than the front!
The internet? Scary. My daughters have gotten quite a bit from the neighbors devices. (I wanted to tell them about that first and in a good and healthy way when they were age appropriate and now I’m forced to do it sooner? Ugh!)
What is painfully true for me is that unless they are convicted of a truth, they probably will find a way to get around our rules. If we ask and listen, God will let us know when to stand firm.
Finally, we can do as St. Francis of Assisi says and,“Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.” Just keep living and learning and talking to them about it. When they get older, we talk less and pray more.
Praying for all parents today.
PS
One quick important point. Please, don’t lie and sneak with your kids screen media content. If your kids know the plan up-front like a funnel (more restriction to less over time) rather than than an upside down funnel (freedom you then clamp down AFTER problems) you’ll avoid an enormous amount of conflict and anger. A proactive plan is far superior to a reactive plan. 🙂
This post is ripe for my comment. Thank you Glennon for writing it! <3 I'm a mom, psychologist, university professor, and creator of GetKidsInternetSafe. I'm a passionate advocate for children and their privacy as well as their safety. That means I tackle this complicated issue of Internet safety and parenting with the complex nuance that it deserves. I applaud Glennon for her stance, with humor, love and respect for her son. The Internet is an amazing tool and a terrifying weapon plus everything in between. Families are so ashamed to talk about it that many don't figure stuff out until the damage is done. By informing parents about everyday, real-life Internet incidents I work hard to inform parents so they can successfully balance their child's needs for privacy and independence with the need for supervision and guidance. MOST IMPORTANTLY we need to nurture our connection with our kids and build a solid alliance so they build the resilience to manage online risks that get past our supervision…because they will get past us. For parents who supervise and monitor so closely it becomes controlling and intrusive, they trade security for trust and may goad their kids into dangerous resentment, sneaking, and secrecy. And for parents who allow total freedom, trust me when I say their children's innocence will be lost too soon even if they are fortunate enough to avoid the real trauma I see in my office everyday. Honestly, E V E R Y D A Y. My passion is to help parents seek informed balance that nurtures connection while protecting with sensible guidance. It takes a complex set of tools to be sure. I'm trying not to be shamelessly self promotional, it's just that after managing my kids and working with families for over 20 years it's my true passion. Best of all, we are not in this alone! Love the discussion, love the love.
Sounds like G’s got it goin’ on! LOVE WINS party planner!!
I monitored everything my son did on the internet and his phone until he was an adult. I told him I had to have the passwords and that he would lose access if I did. He complained minimally but we were able to discuss some things that I learned about and he felt better about it not bitter. Sometimes even with the best relationships kids are too afraid or embarrassed to talk to their parents. How a parent handles what they might learn by monitoring their children is the real trick. Sometimes, you just have to sit back and watch without acting. It is our job to keep an eye on them to help protect them and teach them.
My son never really disappointed me. I was so proud and loved reading on his Facebook page, “My mom will find out and kill me”, when a girl tried to get him to sneak out and go drinking with her. I’d like to attribute his good behavior to a lot of things….he’s just a really good kid, we raised him to respect himself and others, etc. but also he knew I was watching because I cared. Finally, when he was 19 or 20 I told him he could change his passwords. After all, he was an adult. He laughed and said, “It doesn’t matter, I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t be, I’m fine.” Now he helps me to watch over his little brother with all the new devices out that can link to the internet.
My earlier comment has not been approved, maybe because it included a link? So I’m going to repost w/o the link, which is fine.
Glennon, as the parent of a tween, I really understand the concern. I agree that the Internet makes this really, really complicated. (My tween does not yet have social media accounts or a phone–we just aren’t there yet and she’s not 13, which is the age you are supposed to be to have most of those.) But there is some interesting research on tweens, teens, and heavy parental monitoring. It seems it may not pay off. Teens often resent it and it can drive a wedge between parent and child. As some other posters have commented, it may just put these activities underground. Plus, it’s very easy to misinterpret things we aren’t part of and teens are so in need of privacy…it’s a time when that is really blossoming and is so fragile and important. I wouldn’t want my children reading my own texts–would you? I leave Facebook open on the laptop but they’ve been taught not to look at it, because it’s private and my own account, not theirs.
Rather than create an adversarial relationship where my goal is “Find the texts no matter what!” (including by doing things like requesting records from the phone company), I want to create a relationship where my teen feels like he/she can talk to me and wants to talk to me about things that are going sideways. I don’t think the investigator/subject relationship feels very good to me. The underlying message of “You must be monitored at all times because you are untrustworthy” bugs. I don’t see any discussion of fading this kind of surveillance out as teens age, either. They have to learn to do it themselves, you know?
I especially am not sure about reading texts, which to me seems similar to listening in to phone conversations. (When it comes to PUBLIC Internet profiles, especially if associated with a real name, there is some pretty logical cause for concern, especially with younger teens who need a lot of explanations about how this works, at first.) My parents did this to me when I was a teen and it was very upsetting to me. I don’t think “I’m paying for it” is much of a justification. Unless your teen has a job (and what do you argue in that case?) you’re paying for everything they do…can you therefore come on every date, read every journal, eavesdrop on everything? I saw one commenter on the FB post saying she also reads diaries, btw….this is to some degree a logical extension of what is promoted here.
The thing is, they can always find a way to do something stupid no matter ho carefully we think we are watching them, unless we actually move into their skulls behind their eyes. Instead of watching their every move, it’s my goal to keep talking to them a lot, about all of this, all the time.
I thought the way you did. Then my niece (at 14 years old) was molested by a 40 year old man, engaged to another family member. Turned out, there were ongoing conversations between him and my niece. Conversations with plenty of red flags, an adult would have recognized as inappropriate and alarming, but a 14 year old, innocent girl, did not. There was a progressive “grooming” of my niece, right under everyone’s nose… almost entirely cultivated online through private messaging on social media. Had my sister been “invading her privacy”, the tragedy that occurred, may of been stopped before it happened. Until they are old enough and matured enough to navigate this world, I will always check to see who my children are talking to and interacting with. Both in the real world, and on the internet and phone. Not because I’m a nosy mom who doesn’t trust them or respect their privacy. But, rather, because I am a living mom who never, ever wants to trade safety for privacy, when it comes to the most important people in my life.
Amen. I’m so sorry for what happened to your niece. I read an interesting article about how teenagers are underdeveloped cognitively (because they still growing of course) and simply can’t understand cause and effect like adults can (hence the reckless teenager). Or in your sweet niece’s case, they are young and can detect a threat like an adult would. The problem is that parents tend to treat them like they’re more competent than they are because as they mature and start to look more, more like adults it can be hard to remember that they are in fact still children. Anyway, I agree with you.
Child’s who has not reached puberty.
Teenager who is hit puberty.
Adult who is reached reproductive capacity.
Biologically, a 14 year old woman at the age of reproduction. it is natural that she wants to relate to men
I know this is 3 months old, but Vic, puberty has nothing to do with someone being called a teenager. Teen Aged. That’s what it’s about. It’s about time, not biology. Just because someone has reached a certain stage biologically, doesn’t mean they have the mental capacity to engage in certain behaviours and understand their implications.
Vic, some girls are getting their periods at 9. That doesn’t mean they’re women.
She was not molested! She got involved because he wanted to. Biologically, a 14 year old woman at the age of reproduction. it is natural that she wants to relate to men
THIS is absolutely the SICKEST thing I’ve read and I’m shocked that Glennon or her team approved it. A 14 yo is NOT capable of giving consent to sex, especially to a 40 year old man who could be her father.
SERIOUSLY. If this is what you think of teenage girls please stay the hell away from mine!
Spoken like a true pedophile, Vic. Hopefully, law enforcement is keeping an eye on you and will soon be reviewing your electronic devices. After your comments, I have to believe they are ripe with illegal materials. 14 is not a woman and you can tell because the law defines them as minors. Regardless of when children reach puberty, they are considered MINORS by the LAW. K? So instead of propagating child rape, why don’t you educate yourself on what is legally considered an adult. You are exactly why parents need to review who/what their children are communicating with privately online… because of sicko’s like you. Get some help!
A friend of mine, an expecting mother my age, shared this via Facebook. Normally, I left stuff like this go, but I’m in the mood to give some pushback today. For my credentials: I’m not 50. I have no children. I am in my late 20’s, have completed grad school and am married. And I find this article terrifying.
1. You are helicoptering the SHIT out of your children. And unlike you, I’m not so far temporally removed from the outcome. And the outcome is this:
– As soon as your kids manage to escape your clutches even a little bit, they will never tell you anything ever again. They will lie to you. They will make shadow accounts that you will never know about. You think you’ve got technology figured out better than they do? Try again.They will go to college and unfriend you on all those accounts you’ve been stalking them on. They will shut you out of their lives and you will never get back in. You don’t trust them now, and when the power shifts, they will never trust you.
– “Training wheels”? It hasn’t been that long since I was in college, and let me tell you, I’ve watched the training wheels come off and it isn’t pretty. The more strict parents were, the more likely the kid was to binge drink, cut classes, sleep with everyone, and engage in aaaaaall the risk-taking behavior that was so taboo. The way to avoid that is maturity, and your kids don’t get mature when mommy is reading over their shoulder 24/7.
– The internet is not that scary. I’ve been here since I was 12. A little common sense goes a long way. Your kids should know not to get into cars or homes of strangers, whether they met them online or on the street. Sure, your kid might run in to some porn at some point (if you are the parent of a boy over the age of 13, he has seen porn. It is just a fact. Get over it and move on.) Somebody on some forum somewhere will probably direct them to tubgirl, 2girls1cup, or lemon party at some point. They’ll be horrified, and then they’ll get over it. They will probably learn some bad words. They might also find a community out there that will wrap its arms around them when they are terrified of being gay, or depressed and suicidal, or when the peer pressure gets to them. They might find someone to talk to that isn’t you (oh the horror, in your mommy-centric world!). They might participate in some good old forum flame wars, where they learn to articulate or be ridiculed. Their feeewings might even be hurt. Hoo boy, what a wild ride.
I grew up on and with the internet. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, who trusted me to make good decisions. I’ve never been blackout drunk or had an STD. I went to med school and married a wonderful guy.
I didn’t write this post to fight with you. I wrote this to beg you – please, please don’t fuck up your children. Please. You won’t like the result any more than they will.
xoxo,
Summer Glau
Dear Summer:
I am also in my late twenties and I am a mom. I can assure you that no mother on earth wants to f…up their children. Please re read this again when you are a mother and maybe try using a different pair of glasses.
Wishing you well,
Antonella
There are two people involved in the relationship in this post: the mother and the child. The blogger provided the mother’s perspective, and “Summer” provided a child’s perspective in response.
You rebuttal was, in effect, “I’m mom, therefore I’m right and you’re wrong.”
This is EXACTLY the attitude that results in the outcomes that Summer describes. If you assume that simply being a mom makes you right and absolves you from the need to take your child’s perspective into consideration, then you’re going to alienate your child.
You don’t want to “f… up” you children, but that won’t save you from unintended consequences.
Don’t feed the Internet trolls. Fake name means fake posting. Summer Glau starred in a cult – hit show the poster thinks is going to go over the heads of internet-terrified parents. I really doubt she payed this.
I TOTALLY agree with you Summer!
I AM nearly 50, have 2 boys, 15 & 21yrs, & I am absolutely horrified at this article. How can we teach kids to be trustworthy if we don’t give them opportunities to be trusted? Age appropriate of course, but my kids have never had to lie to me & they still get their privacy without me having to be suspicious of their activities. Those lessons about trust, appropriate behaviour, safety & such, were taught, learnt, understood, & lived long before they hit their teens. I’ve always told them that I would never intrude on their privacy unless they gave me reason to suspect that they were in trouble. My kids are not out of control, they are well-known for being exceptionally wonderful humans. Kids are people too & deserve to be treated & respected as such.
Your parenting the right way!
You will make an excellent parent
Thank you! Exactly my thoughts, though I am 50 and the parent of a 13 year old. Obviously, I didn’t grow up with the interwebs, but I can confirm your experiences with overprotected children 1:1. When I was younger ( and living a wilder life) it were always the girls raised very strictly that never knew where to draw the line, and I ‘m not only talking about drinks…and today it’s always the boys who’s parents I’d judge as helicopter-like (I have a son) that forget all about their manners, as soon as said parent left our door.
I’m completely with you on this. My oldest two children have cell phones and we had a very clear discussion of what this privilege entailed before they got one. My phone, they are using it because I let them. They can password protect (and should), but I get all passwords. I also reserve the right to read anything on their phone at any time. If they don’t like these rules, they don’t have to use the phone I got for them. 🙂
I also have passwords to all their online accounts and follow/friend them on those accounts.
This isn’t about a lack of trust and my girls understand that. It’s about safety and the ability to be able to know enough to help them (or their friends) if need be. They both tell me things they think I need to know before I read them, and neither one even bats an eye when I ask for their phone/tablet. We have a very good relationship and they tell me things even if they think/know I won’t be happy about it.
I do make it a point not to yell at them about the conversations they have that I read, and generally don’t discuss unless I need clarification on something or I’m worried about it. Their friends even come to me with issues they are having when they need advice. I agree to keep confidences unless I am worried about safety/legality.
Our approach may not work for everyone, but it works for us. Oh, and I’m frequently a “mean mom”, and I’m very OK with that. As long as they know they are loved. 🙂
That was the exact same conversation we had at my house before personal internet access was allowed. That and there is no own social media accounts until the age of 15. This has caused some tears and heartbreak but we have survived so far and as a ‘sensible’ 15 yr old the privileges more clearly understood and recognised.
Excellent article! I am definitely gonna share this!
I love, love, love the idea of this, but find the practicality of it so much harder. In theory this is exactly what I believe. My son is 13, just finishing up 7th grade. The truth of the matter is, he is already way more savvy about technology than his parents (and we aren’t idiots!). Even if I wanted to go through his phone or computer, he would know how to hide or delete things. He isn’t into facebook but very much so into instagram and doesn’t use texting as much as snap chat or skype. When they are private conversations between him and one friend, and not on a group site, I do feel like it is an invasion of his privacy to look at it and give him that space. But the truth is that I have no idea what he is saying in those conversations. We try to just keep having conversations about how what you put out there can always end up public. It is easy to get lax about it, so thank you for the reminder! Especially as the structure of school is ending and the long days of summer loom!
I feel the same. When I first started checking my 13 yo son’s phone I was teas sure at the mundane immature messages. Then one day I saw he had instagram. I didn’t even know what it was. He showed me his account which was mostly Sci Fi pictures but some of girls his age from school which I wasn’t too happy with. Not naked or anything but provocative poses. I asked him about them and he said people can add any pictures and they show up because he’s friends with them on there. We talked about what he can do if he’s not comfortable with images and he let his friends know that I checked his account so they could think about what they were posting. He doesn’t feel like I don’t trust him but that I don’t trust the Internet. His brother hit 12 and during a heatwave when he couldn’t sleep searched ‘too hot’ and came under with some images which he describes as pornographic. He came into my room in the middle of the night upset by what he’d seen. We talked about it and made some changes to the way we use ipod s ( don’t have them in bedrooms at night. I also checked our parental controls and found they had been switched off when we changed our wifi hub. I’m glad my son felt he could come to me.
You are right on. My kids are 22, 19, and 16. What I’ve learned so far is that you are going to make mistakes in parenting, but you will regret the mistakes you made in being TOO vigilant and protective way less than you will regret the mistakes you made in not being vigilant and protective ENOUGH. Yes, they have to make their own mistakes, and they will, but you can choose at which age they get to make those mistakes – and which would be forever-harming and which would be just a tough lesson learned. 🙂
If your goal is to make sure your kid doesn’t trust you and has nobody to whom they can turn when they’re struggling with something they’re not ready to share with their parents, then this is great advice.
Imagine this. You’re a loving parent and nothing about your child would ever change that. Your child isn’t so sure, though, so they’re not ready to say “Mom, dad, I think I’m gay.” Your child is, however, ready to tell the best friend. But now you’re minimizing your child’s ability to seek out support and resources without fear of discovery because you’re snooping on them.
Interesting you chose that example! My kiddos know exactly how their parents would respond if they ever told us that they were gay, because we wrote and read to them this letter:
https://momastery.com/blog/2013/03/26/a-mountain-im-willing-to-die-on-4/
Love, G
As a sex therapist, I still believe Glendon’s advice remains the best approach! Safety and boundaries are priority, and children thrive when they know that they are being protected and loved. Not once, in Glennon’s conversation with her son, did she say, “I don’t trust you!” Or, “you’re a child who will make bad decisions.” Instead she focused on safety, and the reality that the Internet is an inherently public forum. This is a concept that even many adults struggle to understand.
Perhaps, instead of scaring parents into thinking that they are overstepping their children’s privacy and breaking trust, we can focus on teaching strategies to use the Internet safely, and teach parents how to be present, build trust and engage in shame free, open conversations about sexuality, gender, identity and community. For me, Internet safety and trust building conversations go hand in hand.
You wrote them a letter?? You didn’t think to just talk to them??
check out the original post date…it was to her future son before he was “out”?
Glennon is a writer and I am sure it was discussed as well!
Gah! It’s so hard. My older son is nearly 15. His 8th grade year was our techapocolypse. Two instances stand out specifically: 1. (The BIG One) An Instagram ‘follower’ whom he allowed because of a mutual fondness of soccer, even though we specifically told him ‘no strangers allowed to the party’. This ‘follower’ asked for nude photos of my son. 2. Provocative photos of girls at a parent supervised party in bikinis (classmates) in provocative poses (in a shower!) sent to my son’s e-mail – an account which my husband is linked to. We had to decide whether to report it to the girl’s parents. We told our son either we tell her parents or you don’t go to any parties at her house. He decided to not go to any more parties at her house – a big social dive for him – because he didn’t want to get her into trouble. We realized how out of our depth we are with so much technology changing all the time. For those moms of girls out there – would you have wanted me to tell you? How would you have reacted?
YES! Please tell me!!
Ok, so my daughter is only 5 right now but from past experience, kids cave to peer pressure. Even “good” kids can make a bad decision (provocative photos at a party) based on what their friend(s) is/are doing. It takes a village to raise a child, and if mine is ever caught doing something potentially dangerous or embarrassing behind my back, I would hope that someone would tell me.
I’d want to know.
I would want to be told! But I have to say, I would hate to do the telling (particularly if I didn’t know the parents well). But, I really think we all need each other to look out for our kids. If a girl is sending provocative photos of herself to boys, she isn’t respecting herself. If my daughter isn’t respecting herself, I want to know.
This is a brutal time for parenting. My son, who just turned 12, does not have a smart phone but does have an ipod touch. Basically the same. I spontaneously check his phone with him sitting by my side so that we can discuss anything on there. One day I found a picture of a friend of his, who is a girl, humping a stuffed animal. She then wrote, “Do you want to have sex with me?” I talked to him about it and explained that these were my concerns with social media. I was very proud that he did not respond to her post and made sure I told him that. I also emphasized that if he did reply, it is most likely, that because he is the boy he will be the one who gets in trouble. Unfortunately, we live in a world where we have to really be on top of our boys and educate them about the way they treat and interact with girls. I also have an older girl so it was a lesson for all of us.
Yes, I would want to know. In fact I did make the decision to tell her dad. He is a single parent whose spouse passed away. I would hate to see this lovely young girl go down the wrong tracks because she is struggling with the loss of a parent and needs other attention. He was very grateful. It takes a village and we all need to be there for each other. The internet is not going away. We need to teach them now.
I would have told the father also. I would want to be told if my children was doing something like that at that age…
Kudos to you
I was friends with one of my daughter’s peers on FB (bc daughter could only use social media on my account until she was 15) and in her profile pic she seemed to be standing standing in a provocative manner while topless. Turns out just to be a skinny vest top and odd Canberra angle but I raised it with the mama as something she might want to check out
That is super hard. I’ve told the parents before and I’ve not told the parents. In the two cases where I had to tell parents about something I got completely crazy responses. In one case, I had to tell a parent that their daughter told my son that she was being molested by a relative at her dad’s house (divorced). The mom said at least it was a girl, if it was a boy she would be worried.
The other situation was a young girl contacting older men while at my house and my daughter came and got me to let me know. I told the parent and they didn’t believe me. I had caught the girl on her cell phone with a man, took the phone, talked to him, told him never to call the number again. The parent refused to look at the call logs or check it out.
So, I don’t know if you tell or not, so hard to know if it will even matter. The primary focus has to be your kids and their relationship with you and their ability to come to you for help.
Yes! Please tell. I have 2 daughters, 14 and 19. I would want to know if there were pictures or anything else.
This is so timely for us…My soon to be 13 year old daughter seems to have no self control with her device. She just lost it for a month because she “loaded” the App “ask” after we told her she was not allowed to use that and “Snap Chat”. She also was sending some texts that we didn’t approve of. We repeatedly have told her that it is “Mom and Dad’s” phone and she is using it as privilege(not a necessity). At times I wish we waited a few more years to get her a phone!
I could tell you some devastating consequences from Ask.fm. Please refuse it.
All you are doing is teaching your child to look for ways around mom’s surveillance, and make no mistake – he or she will find ways around it. Your real goal should be for your child to share your values and to make healthy, responsible choices based on those values. You don’t accomplish this by removing his or her ability to choose altogether. If your children only live by your rules because you force them to, all of that goes out the window as soon as they find themselves outside of your control.
How exactly do you get a one track minded child to share your values and make good choices? If the answer is to give them the freedom to choose, and fail, I’m not sure that applies to the internet. Failing on the internet has much more lasting effects than other arenas.
We go to church. We volunteer. We love simply and love often. My son was recently in a tough situation with friends. We didn’t know about it because of course he wasn’t going to tell us he was getting ditched by his beloved squad. He lost his ipod touch for other reasons so I had no suspicions. In the middle of the night he decided to go on his brothers ipod touch and log into his instagram account. On his page he wrote, “Life is not worth living. I wish I didn’t exist. I’m just a fuck up and loser.” So, I have been able to get help from his guidance counselor, social worker and social studies teacher at school. EVERYONE was surprised. He has a great relationship with his social studies teacher who said he comes in every day prepared, enthusiastic, participates and had his best semester yet. He is going to mentor my son and help him get through this rough patch. So, I will continue to monitor my kids devices until they are much older. We can teach these kids all of our morals and values. Sometimes, they can see straight to remember them.
I’m not sure how to say this but be uber aware of what the teacher is saying and doing and monitor that communication, as he becomes your son’s mentor. He may be a wonderful guy, just helping out, but your son is vulnerable right now, and he also might not be a wonderful guy.
This is from a mom, of teens, who has encountered inappropriate teacher interactions. One teacher told one of my sons that if they didn’t feel like they could talk to their mom then they should go to the teacher and started down this path of dividing. I call it grooming. Boy was that teacher pissed when I interrupted the private mentoring sessions with my son.
Just be aware and involved.
Little by little we give them more and more control over their own choices and chances to mess up. We don’t dump them into an arena right away with total freedom. Just like you do in real life situations. It’s like allowing a toddler to reach out and touch hot running water, and saying, “Hot!” as opposed to allowing them to touch a red hot stove burner and learning the same lesson. In the first, you’re teaching without burning, without scars, and you keep the water to a safe temperature until they’re old enough to turn the faucet on themselves, with, hopefully, an understanding that water can burn. In the second instance, you’re putting them in a situation where they could receive permanent scars from a terrible burn – and yes, they will learn quite clearly that Hot means Hot — but at what price? No, we don’t allow our kids the choice about whether to touch a hot burner until they are old enough to understand fully what will really happen to them if they touch it. And then we stand by with the ice pack in case they do, knowing that we have taught them as fully as we can what Hot really means, and how it can hurt way beyond the initial touch. Safety for a twelve year old around the internet? Yes, if I take away his choice to burn himself there it’s worth it for this period of his life.
I kinda wish Glennon would have projected out into the future a bit (different post maybe?) Unlike the naysayers, I definitely see things Glennon’s way for 12, 13 and likely 14 year olds. If you all haven’t seen the facebook posts of peers that age, you’d be appalled. And what does it say to a young teenager not simply to know there are more “experienced” kids, but to be stuck in the stew all day every day. The point is not, after all, to hover at their side every moment for life, to keep them from knowing everything forever, but to give them space and time to grow into the maturity to handle the onslaught of half-naked photos coming their way. Not to mention the put-downs and one-ups and so on. But by 15 or 16 — maybe things should begin to change? I dunno, I’m truly asking. But I think age-appropriateness should be at the center of this discussion.
But what should i do when my teenager asks about the privacy in text messages. While the internet is public, texts are not. He equates it with writing a letter to a friend and I would never open and read his mail.
I’ve told my son as long as I’m paying for his ability to text then I can check his texts. It’s not that I don’t trust what he’s writing, but I am mostly checking on his friends. If he got a hundred letters in the mail one day all from friends, I would be very curious and wouldn’t necessarily read them but I would definitely be asking questions. I don’t know, it’s tough, my son still doesn’t like it, but I do it.
My thought on this one is that since he/she is a teenager it falls under your responsibility. The text’s also go out to someone and you need to ensure they’re safe. I’m guessing you paid for the phone which gives you more say; but keep that in your back pocket incase said teen has a job and pays for it. Therefore stick with the “age” thing and you’re responsible for making sure they’re safe. it’s your job.
As a teen I wrote notes back and forth to my friends. I consider these the ’80s equivalent of “texts”! My parents read them without my consent and misunderstood them. Did they have the right to read them because they paid for the notebook paper and pens?
Texts aren’t really all that private. One quick screen shot snapped by a text recipient can be instantly be posted/shared.
I’m just not sure the worry about this justifies the invasion of privacy.
I wonder, if an app were to come out like Snapchat for texts (maybe this even exists already…I’m not that with it) would the concern go away?
Snapchat already has a texting feature. They can send word messages to their friends and what was written disappears instantly after it is read. Just an FYI. My kids are 5 and under and I am already dreading everything related to this topic.
This is fantastic – love the examples you gave. thanks!
Having trouble explaining boundaries to my 14 yo brother- He is 17 years my junior with 10 years between him and the next youngest child. It is hard to explain that although as siblings we are ‘equals’ – we have very different relationships with our parents. The rest of us are adults – we live on our own, we pay our own bills, we hold down jobs – we have the responsibilities, the challenges, and the freedoms of adults. He is still a child/teen and is under the responsibility of our parents. So, even though he is allowed to visit me independently, what he is allowed to do at my house is still subject to the direction of our parents. I (and most of my sisters) will not defy my parent’s wishes. Although we have reached a real rebel stage with the attitude: “You’re either for me and against mom and dad or your against me and for mom and dad.”
You may not be his parent, but you are his responsible adult who cares enough to help his parents by spending time with him at YOUR house. Your rules which hopefully align with your parents. Tell him there are no sides. You’re all one family and you all live by the same morales and rules. If he can’t abide by that, then tell him to leave his phone at home while visiting. Simple as that.
I love this and am going to read this to my son! He thinks I am the meanest mom in the world because I check everything. He says that none of his friends have parents that do this. This weekend I had to learn how to use the Play Station so I could figure out how to find the messages in the chat room on there. Luckily my youngest son was there to help me with that. They have so many ways to communicate with friends now and we need to be one step ahead of them….always!!!
None of you have a chance.
I was lifting parental controls off my PC when I was 10. The young ones will always beat you and unless their stupid, they already have and you don’t know it.
I have a three year old, so I’m pretty far away from this reality, but my husband works with young (middle/high school) professional surfers and has a sort of mentor/friend relationship with a lot of them. We were shocked when one of the boys was bragging that he had naked pictures of his girlfriend hidden in a vault on his phone. Apparently there are apps that look totally legit – this one was a calculator – but when you enter your password it reveals all your hidden texts, videos, and pictures. I thought I was pretty hip to this whole internet thing but apparently I’m as clueless as my parents were when I was that age! Needless to say, my husband demanded the kid delete the pics & let his mom (who had been diligently monitoring her sons activity & was clueless about this app!) in on his game. Such a wake up call for us!
Wow. Exactly what I needed to hear today as the exhaustion of checking their devices and worrying over what they’re doing, talking to and posting was beginning to make me into a person I don’t recognize. Need to trust that I raised good kids and continue to lead them in the right direction.
You are amazing, and so timely with this. We are entering this world now with cellphones and computers, and I have been at a loss as to how to explain “Privacy” to my child. G – you are truly the most awesome human being, so wise, so smart. I send thanks to you everyday for helping me through the tough roads.
My boy is only 5 and nowhere near the internetz but I’ve already been mulling this over. Thanks for the excellent words! And PS – the pictures of Chase are total awesome sauce.
This is wonderful! I’m so glad I took the time to read this particular Facebook post! I’m sharing this with all of my mommy and daddy friends. I am getting my daughter a mobile phone for middle school. She already has an iPad. I check it regularly. However, she doesn’t have any Internet accounts of her own–she uses everything via my accounts. I will apply the same rules to the mobile phone.
I too make a regular habit of checking the devices and social media sites used by my daughter – it was only through randomly checking these things that I was able to see that see was being criminally harassed by a fellow 14 year old classmate. The unfortunate thing is that so many parents are not doing this, the other child’s parents were not aware of his behaviour and when they became aware of it defended him by saying that he was only trying to “help” my daughter. Apparently in their world one is helped by being bullied, threatened, called names and being controlled by others.
Fortunately after her initial anger at her father and I for getting involved she seems much happier and more relaxed than she has been in months.
You are brilliant! I wish I had your parenting sense as my kids were growing up. Mine kids are 20 and 23. I am damn proud of them and who they are. Thank you for your wisdom!
I was new-ish to the interwebs 10+ years ago, when my then teenaged daughter lost her first fast food restaurant job by “joking” on FB about spitting (she DIDN’T DO IT) into someone’s food and a “friend” saw her comment and reported her. It was my first introduction to the ‘not-so-private’ world of social media. Live and learn. And she did!
As a school librarian–THANK YOU for helping to teach your littles digital citizenship. I tell the kiddos, I wouldn’t put you in a car and just expect you to know how to drive just because you see other people doing it. It’s our job as adults to help guide and teach you the best that we can to help you be safe and have a good digital footprint. I like the party analogy- using that one with my own kids.
How would you suggest handling party coverups? Deleting of comments, posts and texts?
I want to know this too! 🙂 Fully agree and support everything said, I do the same! If you’re hiding your password your device becomes mine. Love the way this is all phrased though! Thank you!
I know with Verizon, you can get a print out of all texts sent and received. I also suggest putting an app on the phone that can record that stuff for you. I teach middle school and I have two young boys. I hope it continues to help me stay on top of technology.
You can go on the Verizon website and see all texts sent/received on each line on your account, so even if your child deletes them, you can still read them.
Wow, I never knew that. Does anyone know if you can do that thru AT&T?
Oh, boy. Great question, Chris, and one that I’ve not thought about yet with my almost-a-teen girl. But she did do something the other day that was TOTALLY along these same lines (contacting a friend via email after I’d specifically told her that the activity she was involved with was “friends-free”)… So I called her on it, we talked (loudly), she swore to me that she didn’t think that what she did was disobedient (there was some wiggle room there in the way I phrased what I said initially), and the consequence was 24-hours without one of her favorite online activities – and she completely understood why once we got done (even though she wasn’t happy about it).
So, my suggestion would be to do something similar: call your child on it openly (between you and them). Be vulnerable and gently ask them why they feel the need to hide things from you – one thing I always tell my girls: “If you wouldn’t do it or say it in front of me, then it’s probably not appropriate.” And I tell them to use that as their measuring stick for everything – online and in real life! See what you can weasel out of them – there might be some food for thought in there regarding ways you can improve your relationship or that they were actually THINKING about what they’re putting out there in their internet party… Or you might just have a little sneak on your hands that needs to be put in his/her place with a hard talk/consequences, especially at this young age.
And then, DO something – remove the device, the application, the internet, whatever for a specific period of time, with the understanding that this is not to happen again – and why: while most people are not inherently evil, the internet is not a place to find out. It’s a place to practice even MORE important etiquette than even many places in life offline.
If you wouldn’t do it or say it in front of me, then it’s probably not appropriate.” –
Would you have wanted your mother to listen to everything you said to your friends at age 13? I certainly wouldn’t have. I wasn’t a bad kid. But I needed to talk about things with my friends that were private to me.
I wouldn’t necessarily have *wanted* my Mom to listen, but I certainly wasn’t THINKING about it that way (in the sense that it might not be appropriate if I was talking/doing something that my Mom wouldn’t want me to witness)… I don’t want to intrude upon and witness my child’s every interaction, but I do want to make them THINK about their interactions – both in real life and more especially online. And online is a whole different ballgame – online, it’s fair game, because it’s WAAAAAAY too easy for things to get out-of-hand and for children to be preyed upon. So, I give them their privacy (to some degree) when their WITH their friends, but there is no such entitlement online. I feel it’s a good balance, and am content with this as a compromise.
*they’re. Stoopid typos. :O)
Our rule is that kids may not delete texts (incoming or outgoing) on threat of losing yphone privileges. You can match up activity against your statement online (or receive shadow account on your own device if you have that option). And fwiw, I’ve taken Michelle Icard’s advice (look up Michelle in the Middle) on oversight: read it all, but only discuss what they share with you or what you find inappropriate/dangerous. It is very easy to mistake oversight for being involved in their conversations, which you should not be. It’s like privacy training wheels.
This is so spot on! Something I still need to explain to my college students & the main topic of my book which I interviewed Sister for. Thank you for starting to explain this before he posts something that a potential college recruiter or future employer may see later! You are FABULOUS!
My little ones are way too young to even think about the internet yet, but just this morning I was thinking about this topic. I absolutely LOVE your response. I’m going to go practice it in front of a mirror for the next 5 years until I have to use it. 🙂
Glennon! You are a genius. This is PERFECT.
Love this!! My dear, lovely, wonderful boy of 13 absolutely knows that the day I pick up his phone and don’t know his pass lock or passwords is the last time he will ever touch his phone…
Nailed it again, G!
Love, Cookie