Last month, I was in a room with four hundred women, and we were laughing and crying and just BEING together. Halfway through our time together, a woman stood up and said, “Glennon, what would you say to help people understand the importance of being there for a friend who has lost a child? We lost our daughter, Ansley, seven years ago and most of our friends and family have just fallen away. Now on her birthday and Angel Day- I might receive a card or two. It’s just not enough. Our baby is gone and we need the people who knew her to talk to us about her, but they don’t. Everyone we loved is just silent about it. It makes me feel like Ansley is forgotten. It feels like the world is pretending she never existed.”
I just looked at her for a long moment. The room was completely silent. It was clear to everyone that this woman had single-handedly escorted the four hundred of us into the most important moment of the evening.
I finally said, “What is your name?”
She said, “Jessica.”
I said, “Jessica- you tell us. What would YOU tell people to do?”
And she said, “SHOW UP. Show up right away and then keep showing up. Don’t worry about saying the right thing, there is no right thing. Just say SOMETHING. Just tell us you haven’t forgotten. And say their name. It’s like people are afraid to remind me of her- as if I’m not already thinking about her every moment of every day. Everyone avoids her name- but we still need to hear their names spoken by people who loved them.”
I thanked Ansley’s mama for saying what we all needed to hear. For telling us that when it comes to tragedy- what a friend does is pull together all her brave and run towards the heartbreak and mightily resist the urge to try to fix it and instead just sit in it and soak up a little bit of the love and pain.
And then she says her name. Often. Because your friend is still Ansley’s mama, as certainly and surely and eternally and solidly as you are the mama of your babies. That’s who she STILL IS. Somehow now more than ever. She doesn’t know herself any other way and she doesn’t want to. And so when you don’t acknowledge that part of her, it’s like you’re not even there with her. She needs you to be there with her. With Ansley’s grieving mama.
I said, “Jessica. I don’t know what to say. But listen, I’ll tell you one thing. Ansley’s Angel Day is not going to pass silently this year. I know some people who would love nothing more than to stop and remember Ansley with you. They are the Monkees. You tell me Ansley’s date and then you visit us on her day. “
And Jessica cried and we all cried together – all four hundred of us – for the loss of a baby girl and the pain of a mother and the soothing balm of women who rush toward each other and sit and cry with each other and just give up on saying too many words at all.
Today is Ansley’s Angel Day- July 14. I imagine that Jessica will wake up this morning and look out her window and wonder how in the world it is that the world can keep spinning on the day that her own world died.
I would like for us to stop the world for a moment today to remember Ansley, to honor Jessica, and to hold space for all of our sisters’ great loss and pain and love. Let us do this in two ways:
- Please leave a comment here for Jessica. She will be reading today. Let us show her we cared enough to STOP today and say Ansley’s name. Let us tell her that she is not the only one who is feeling the width and depth today of the loss of Ansley. Also, in your comment- tell Jessica where you’re from. It makes the love feel more real when you can see that it’s covering the globe.
- Then please, in honor of Ansley and Jessica- call to mind a friend who has suffered a great loss and then reach out to her. If you can’t call her, email her. If you can’t email her, text her. Don’t let your lack of time or the perfect thing to say stop you. Just do it. Stop the world for a moment in honor of her. That’s what we do when we pause in the middle of a busy day to reach out to someone who is hurting. We say “to me, you are worth stopping the world for.”
MS-MD has donated $700 to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program in honor of Precious Ansley (who would have been a nine year old girl today) and in honor of her Warrior Mama, Jessica, and in honor of all of you who have lost your babies. I am stopping my world today to tell you that I have no perfect words. I am just here, and I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
G and TWMF
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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4,536 Comments
I am praying for you today. I can’t imagine your heartbreak, but you are so brave for sharing your pain and helping remind all of us that we don’t have to have the right words, we just have to show up. Bless you today and every day.
My heart aches for you and for all those mothers who have experienced the pain of the loss of a child. We all long to express our grief for your suffering, but don’t quite know how. Thank you for sharing your experience and reaching out. May God grant you comfort and peace is my prayer!
Jessica; Ansley is such a beautiful little girl. I will keep you both near to my heart-
love and light to you and your beautiful daughter, Ansley. Happy Mother’s Day Mama. Melissa from orlando
Dear Jessica, I share your pain. I lost my son Jeremy at age 18. There is nothing harder than losing a child. Your sweet baby girl is a doll. May you feel the love from each comment! Debbie
Dear Jessica, I’m thinking of you and of Ansley and all the other families who have lost children and sending love and peace from Massachusetts.
Love and light to you and Ansley.
<3 Sherry in Suffolk, VA
Holding space for ya, sweet jessica. And sending you lots of love. I’ll keep you and angel Ainsley in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that you are NOT alone. We share your heartache with you.♡♡
Tara, canton ohio
Happy Mother’s Day Jessica. Your Ansley was an angel here on earth for such a short time and now always an angel in heaven. You are forever her momma and I pray those who knew and loved her will read this blog and begin to open up speaking with you about her and sharing memories that will gladden your heart until you are one day together again.
Jessica, Ansley is such a beautiful girl. I can’t fathom the depths of your pain but your words remind that names may make us hurt but they also make us remember. Remember the good and the laughter and the tears. You are in my thoughts and may Ansley be remembered in the wind blowing through the trees and the blossoms on the flowers. Her presence is everywhere now.
Jessica- sending you love and thinking of your sweet girl Ansley. Please know you are not alone and thank you for being brave enough to say what you need.
Rachel – Shelton, CT
As a fellow SUDC mama, I thank you for holding this space. Sometimes, it’s the only thing that can be done, and the only thing that means anything.
Thank you.
<3
Love & Tears for your baby. May she forever be your strength.
Jessica, I’m so sorry for your loss. For Ansley. I’m a mother and I cannot imagine the pain. I’m glad I read this. A friend lost her 24 year old daughter two years ago. I like to think I’m there for her, but I don’t mention her daughter – Jessie – because I’m afraid I’ll bring up painful memories for her. I know she’ll never be the same. I listen and cry, but now I’ll say her name when appropriate. Ansley was darling. I’m one of those that believe you’ll see each other again but I know that’s little comfort now. Love to you and yours.
Jessica I am sitting here crying with you feeling the pain with you and thinking of you and your precious Ainsley. Thanks for being brave and vulnerable and talking about your pain and what you need and letting us all in. I’m grateful that you showed up and keep showing up and for what you shared. May you know that a woman in Wisconsin is thinking of you and Aisnley and sending you thoughts of love and gratitude. Thanks for being a warrior. Love wins.
thinking of you Jessica and your precious Ansley. We never ever forget those we love. Thank you for insisting that we all act like real human beings and remember together.
Elisabeth from Walkertown, NC
Jessica,
Your daughter was so beautiful. We both share deep grieving hearts for our daughters. My daughter was 26 when I lost her. I’m so glad you had the strength to speak out about your sorrow and grief. As you said, they are still so alive in our hearts and don’t want them to be forgotten. What a blessing a child is and they will always live on in our hearts. God bless you!
Your precious, precious Ainsley. My love
to you and her.
Amy from Minnetonka, Minnesota.
YES. I lost my husband, not my child, and I say his name around everyone to let them know it’s ok with me to talk about him. It makes me so sad when those around me act like he never existed–because they feel awkward or think I might be upset if they talk about him. NO! It’s the opposite! I am sharing this on my blog and my facebook page. Bless you for writing this.
Ansley, what a beautiful little girl. Love and light to you and your family.
New Hampshire
I pray for you and your beautiful Ansley. My amazing daughter Lauren Catherine Venzel-Kutchenriter died at age 27 on November 24, 2013. She had been married 14 months to the love of her life, Kyle James Kutchenriter.
Lauren was diagnosed with an extremely rare genetic connective tissue disorder in her final semester at Bowling Green University in Ohio.
Lauren was diagnosed with Vascular Ehlers-Danlos Sydrome after collapsing with abdominal bleeding. She had two dissecting aneurysms. No one could understand. Genetic testing explained. 1 in 250,000 ppl have this connective tissue disease. It was truly a miracle that she survived in 2008. vEDS is a rare connective tissue disease that causes the arteries, veins, and hollow organs (lungs, bowels) to be the consistency of wet tissue paper.
She survived and thrived for 5 1/2 more years after her diagnosis.
We were told her disease was fatal. She knew this too. So did her boyfriend/soon to be fiancee/husband. They loved each other totally and completely. I will be forever grateful to my heroic son in law Kyle James Kutchenriter for loving her absolutely and completely. You made her world complete.
I miss you baby girl. Love you forever and always. Mom
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Lauren
It is not July 14, but I am thinking of you and your sweet Ainsley today. I hope you see this, Jessica, and that you know that there are women all over the world thinking of you and your sweet girl.
God bless you, Jessica, and your beautiful Angel, Ansley. I cannot imagine what you and other moms like you are going through. Sending prayers for peace and comfort this Mother’s Day weekend and every day. Blessings from New Jersey.
I’m crying for you and felt deeply your loss. Ansley is always closeby, She Will welcome you someday and stay with you always. I’m from Lima, peru.
All my love
MA
light and love to you. What a beautiful little girl, Ansley. Redmond, Wa
God bless you with peace in happy memories. Ansley is beautiful- and thought of today! Thank you for teaching us how to be for our friends and family during their difficult times. Happy Mother’s Day!
Pittsburgh, PA
Sending so much love to you and Ansley from Ohio.
loss hurts. You can’t get over it, you just have move through it and forward. But moving forward doesn’t mean moving on or getting over it. It is living with it. Thank you for teaching us how to comfort our sisters and friends. Nancy, St. Louis, MO
Your beautiful little girl has the most gorgeous brown eyes! She looks full of joy in these pics. May your Mother’s Day be peaceful and more comforting this year! Sending love your way from a total stranger, but one that empathizes with your loss and emotion.
May God bless you this Mother’s Day and always…..remembering your beautiful baby girl Ansley. Sending you love from Virginia in honor of all those who have lost a precious baby.
Ansley is with all of us now. She is no longer limited to knowing a few. Hi, Ans. Thanks for not forgetting us. We don’t need you to have a body in order for us to love you and hear you in our hearts. And Jessica, thank you for being willing to let us share your precious Angel. Happy Ansley Day ……… everyday.
Your daughter, Ansley, is gorgeous. Thank you for telling us what we can do to help you. I am from Virginia and have three beautiful children of my own, I lost 6 babies to miscarriages in my life. I cannot fathom your pain and I want you to know that it does help to know that it is ok to talk and that people want you to. You will be remembered by me for years to come as will your Angel baby.
All my lover to you!! Remembering your beautiful angel!!
Ansley touched another heart today, Jessica. Your grief and the precious memoris you shared have gotten so many people to reach out to other mommies to share in their loss and honor the memories of their children. What a very important angel your Ansley has become…the angel of solace for grieving parents. Much love to you and yours.
Dear Jessica,
You are living the thing I fear the most and you are a hero to me for breathing through it and for calling out. Love and light to you and Ansley from Mesa, AZ
Tamara
Jessica, I have no words that can ease your pain, but know that your beautiful Ansley is not forgotten. From Ontario, Canada
Jessica,
My heart reaches out to tell you I understand your pain. I am momma to two angels and three children here with me. Being a momma doesn’t stop when your child dies, if anything it becomes more deeply ingrained. What was on your skin seeps in to be carried in your every cell.
I wish you comfort and peace on your Mother’s Day with Ansley.
Stephanie
My best friend lost a baby so this hits home. Sending love from Washington.
I am so sorry over your loss. It is something so foreign to human nature and against the natural order that people are afraid. Having been on the edge of the loss of a child,,a child I knew briefly for a short time. And it nearly destroyed me as a young teen. It has been my biggest fear throughout the lives of my children. I hope you spend Mother’s Day recalling what a gift she was.
And I hope memories of her comfort you. Wishing you Peace.
I’ve always been so fearful of saying the wrong words, at the wrong time, so I never said much. Thank you, Jessica, for reminding me we don’t have to say a lot, just let them know we care, are thinking of them and their loss, and will listen if they need to talk. Blessings to you from Ohio.
Happy Mother’s Day, Jessica. Your Ansley isn’t forgotten. Nor is Bailey and mama, Mishael. Or Sophia and her mama, Amanda. Or Cat and her mama, Anna. Or Abigail and her mama, Allison. Or Kjer and her One who went to Jesus without spending any time here at all. Or Lily and her mama. Or Kristyn’s sister and her mama. Or Keisha and her angel. Or Jennifer’s cousin’s baby, or Laura’s friend’s son, or Katie’s friend’s son. They’re all important and their stories should be shared and their memories strengthened.
Thank you to you and Ansley for reminding us to treasure our sweet children and to reach out to mamas who need us. Love from a tiny town in Connecticut.
Ansley is so incredibly precious. Remembering you and her today in Portland, OR. Xo
Jessica, I know that Sunday will be hard for you, too. My Hope would have turned thirteen later this year. My prayers are with you and I know you’ll see Ansley again one day. Many hugs!
Dear Jessica, Ansley’s mom, I applaud your strength and honesty about moms who have survived the devastation of losing a child with Glennon and as a result with all of us. Ansley lives on in your heart and memories and now you both have left an impression on our hearts and impacted our lives. Happy Mother’s Day!
xoxo
Jeannie, South Carolina
Dearest Jessica,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your darlingest Ansley. I am not certain there can possibly be a deeper pain than losing a child. Please know that my heart is with you right now, and that I honor the memory of your sweet daughter. Warmest hugs from NC.
I didn’t read the original post, but everyday is the right day to remember babies that were lost. So Jessica, if you’re reading today, please know that you and Ansley are both in my heart and that I share in your loss. You are not alone and your beautiful baby girl is not forgotten.
Your story made me cry, Jessica. For you, for Ansley, and for myself and my own mom who lost my sister 2 years ago. I hope you feel surrounded by people showing up for you. You are not alone.
With love, from MN
Thank you for your heartfelt story. I am so sorry for your loss. I immediately sent an e-mail to a friend that lost 2 of her children inviting her to a Mother’s day brunch. I hope she joins us. Thank you.
Jessica, thinking of you and your beautiful Ansley. Happy Mother’s Day. Much love from Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Happy Mother’s Day from one angel’s mother to another.
Ansley was the most beautiful girl. Her eyes look so kind and sweet! Her face line is so tender, her skin so soft. She was so sweet and tiny and she loved you so so much. And she still loves you. And you love her, too, forever. I am sitting today together with you, looking through the picture books of Ansley, caressing her together with you, drawing her beautiful outline with my fingertips. She was so beautiful. A big hug from Japan!
Thinking of you and your Ansley in Traverse City Michigan.
Ansley will never be forgotten and nether will you. She is with you always. What a beautiful little girl. HUGS
i just read this for the first time. Incredibly moving. Thank you, Jessica and Glennon, for enlightening me on this very important way I can be a better person. I will remember Ansley today, tomorrow and many days to come. Wishing you peace from Yokohama, Japan.
Missing our Bailey….today and everyday. Jessica my heart aches for you Ansley is absolutely beautiful. We can do hard things!!
I know this post is old but, if you are still reading these comments, Jessica, I want you to know that I am remembering your Ansley today. Wishing you beauty and peace, solace in unexpected places and joy in memories of your beautify Ansley.
Happy mothers day, mama. I’m so sorry your baby isn’t here with you. Sending you love.
What a beautiful girl, and she looks so happy in these pics. Thinking of you and Ainsley on this day. Prayers and love to you!
Ansley is such a beautiful name. You are loved by all these women behind these comments. We love Ansley too. We are learning how to press into the hard parts of life. I am pressing into loving you and what a loving Mommy you are to Ansley. Her life matters so much that God is using her to bless all of us and teach us what we need to do for those who are longing for the ones they’ve lost in this life. ♡
Jessica,
Thank you for allowing G to share not just your story but also you & your sweet Ansley’s images. You are so brave and wonderful to open up your heart in this special way.
From Charlotte, NC with love for all the momma’s
It’s May 8th, the Friday before Mother’s Day weekend. A Stop The World Day for so many Mom’s who are missing the very ones that called them “mom”. So sorry you’ll be missing your sweet Ansley. Crazy thing… Right after I had sent a Mother’s Day wish to a cousin who lost a baby only a few short weeks before delivery, I read this post. I truly believe that was God.
Jessica, thank you for helping us better minister to mamas like you who have suffered unimaginable losses of precious children. Ansley is beautiful! Her light shines in you always! Hugs! Happy Mothers Day! Carrie in NC
Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter. Lots of love Becky
Jessica-thinking of Ansley and praying for you and your family~from Media, PA.
Ainsley, you are loved so much today even more than the day you were first born. Please give a big hug to my friend, Lily who is with you, she will be celebrating her first angel day in July, you and her have more in common than you may realize. She was loved fiercely all 966 days she spent on earth with us and just like you, left for heaven in her sleep, unexplained, with no answers. Jessica, I do not know your pain and suffering first hand, but I have seen it and felt it and grieve every day for my close friend. Thank you for teaching me how to be a stronger support for her while we walk this lonely path together. Thank you Glennon for sharing this brave woman’s journey. Much love and peace to you both. I am calling my friend today.
Hi Jessica-
You and Ansley are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you light.
Siobhan from Massachusetts
Ansley is a true beauty. Love and prayers to you today Jessica and to your gardian Angel.
A mother in South Carolina.
Jessica, about one year ago today one of my dearest friends lost her son to an awful battle with cancer. While I try to reach out to her regularly with a simple thought or memory about her little boy, I’m sure it’s not enough.
You’ve reminded me how important it is to keep that loving memory out there so my friend can see it, hear it and feel it for the rest of her life.
I wish you a lifetime of Angel Days for Ansley and want you to know that she’s in all of our hearts right now and she is not forgotten.
xo – Laura – Maryland
Here’s to you Jessica, and Ansley, your relationship lives on. Thank you so much for sharing your heartfelt message. We do need to be told xx
Ansley is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing her life with each of us. Prayers to you!
Love from London. Ainsley is here tonight.
Ansley! Ansley! Ansley! Hugs to you, Sweet Mama. You will be with her again…
Ansley what a beautiful name thinking of you and your mom today in Grass Lake Michigan
Thinking and sending loving thoughts to you and Ansley. From Kaitlin in Massachusetts!
Dear Jessica,
Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter Ansley today. Sending much love to you and your family from Bristol, UK.
Hi Jessica. What a beautiful baby girl! I pray you feel love and support from this community of moms who are thinking of you this Mother’s Day.
God bless you and your family.
-michigan
Jessica, you are awesome. I’m sure Ansley is so proud of you for helping other mommies get through Angel Days. I’m thinking about her today. And you. xoxox ~Kjer, mommy of Amy, Jesse, and One who went right to Jesus without spending any time here at all, who I still remember after 30 years.
Jessica — Ansley is absolutely beautiful. I hope you have a very happy Mother’s Day. I hope Ansley’s light and love surrounds you and brings back wonderful memories of you and your baby. Special moments. The day you became her mama. And even the regular days. You are a very special mama to a very special girl.
Jessica, you and Ansley and your family are in my heart and mind today. Love and prayers on the way.
Jessica — Please know I am thinking of you and your sweet Ansley. My mother moved to heaven as well and I’m sure she’s taking good care of your sweet angel.
Jessica, I just read your story and I’m heartbroken for you. I’m so sorry you lost your precious daughter Ansley. She looked like a beautiful angel. Know that I’ll always think of you both, she will not be forgotten.
-California
What a sweet little girl..Thinking about her & your pain. The pain doesn’t go away, but it does get more manageable with time.
God Bless!
Dear Jessica, thinking of you and your Ansley today.
Thank you for saying what you need from your friends. I have a friend at my church whose young adult son was killed in a car wreck a few years ago. I’ve never been sure how to be there for her as the years pass. Thank you for sharing yourself and providing a clue so I can also reach out to my friend.
I just read this post for the first time today, March 22, and I wanted to let Jessica know I am thinking of her sweet Ansley and crying for her now. I have a little girl named Ainsley and I wonder if we pronounce them the same way. Prayers for you, Jessica. You and your beautiful girl are in my thoughts right now.
Dear Jessica
How my heart aches for you this morning! Thank you for sharing your story about your Beautiful Ainsley! I’ve recently watched helplessly as my niece grieves for her stillborn little girl n I didn’t know how to help her. Say something or say nothing at all? But after reading your story I feel now I have some direction. So grateful for your courage to speak out about Ainsley and you can count me in to Never Ever forget her and on her Angel day I’ll say a prayer for you Jessica n your family and all parents that have lost a child way before their time!!! Your sister in Christ!!!
Dear Jessica, Thank you for sharing and letting us learn and care and love you and your Ansley – your lovely daughter Ansley – who is and will always be your lovely daughter Ansley.
Remembering Ansley today Jessica.
Jessica know that you and your daughter won’t be forgotten! I can’t understand your pain but I can tell you that you’ve got lots of moms out here that are sending love and hugs your way from all over the world, all because you had the strength to stand up that day and tell people what you needed. Thank you for sharing that with all of us. Peace, love, and comfort to you from Memphis TN
Oh, Jessica, I steeled myself for your Angel Date. “O.k., when is it?”, I thought. Just let me know quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. It’s all just too much, too real, sometimes, other people’s pain. We just feel we can’t bear one more thing, but I wanted to feel with you, so I kept reading. Of course, it’s my first-born’s birthday. Isn’t that how this life works, so complicated and tricky?! I will be thinking of you and Ansley this year, remembering that contrasts are everywhere, all the time, the bests and the worsts all mashed together like someone wasn’t careful when it was time to put the play doh away. But God is not careless. Your sorrow and my joy, your joy and my sorrow do coexist. I wish more joy for you, and on July 14, I will be celebrating the lives of our two wonderful kids. Long may they bring us joy, no matter what. Love, from MN.
Jessica,
Your courage to stand that one day and express your feelings for the conversations that you needed are continuing today! I just read this post for the first time and I am cheering you and your family on from Atlanta. Ansley is certainly leaving a legacy all around the world. I recognized that I should reach out to a few of my friends in their losses and so I sent them a personal message acknowledging their illnesses or their losses of their children. I do think about my friends and their kids quite often, but I just never told them. Thanks for the encouragement to do so. May all our hearts be authentic and loving as we try our best to be friends.
amy
Thank you, Jessica for being brave, real and vulnerable to stand up and share what you needed!!! Just look at those beautiful big eyes and rich dark brown hair of your daughters. Ansley is a gift. Thank you for sharing her with me through the pictures and words.
Dear Jessica,
Ansley is beautiful. Sending you love and strength and a gigantic, 30-second too long virtual hug from San Diego.
Love,
Lara
I am a mother and grandmother. There are no words. I feel so deeply for you. Ansley. Ansley. Ansley. Ansley.
Today I am thinking of your Ansley, as I also think of my Abigail, who passed away in October. Thank you for speaking the words that we all want to say when the conversations stops at any mention of our daughters. How important it is to keep their spirit alive for the world to know who they are. As each day passes, remember that you are a day closer to seeing her again.
With Love,
Allison
To Jessica,
Your sweet beautiful angel Ansley is not forgotten. I had tears in my eyes as I read this and I just want you to know you are not alone. I am praying God’s comfort for your heart and that you feel his love surrounding you. -Lathrop, CA
Jessica-
Thank you for being so brave to share your story. Just looking at the posts I can see how many people you and your beautiful Ansley have touched. I pray that you feel God’s presence today and every day.
As I sit today and read the post about you Jessica and see your beautiful Ansley in pictures I am reminded that although this is the start of a brand new year time will never soften your loss. I am praying for you… and know that because you had the strength to reach out and be heard you will have the strength and love needed to help others- Menifee- CA
To Ainsley, may she never be forgotten, and to her beautiful mom, may she never forget that love is always surrounding her. From NH, USA.
Your beautiful little girl Ainsley is not forgotten. She is the light at this time of year. May she always be your light.