Along with every other concerned mama, I’ve been watching America’s response to the bullying related suicides closely. People seem to be quite shocked by the cruelty that’s happening in America’s schools. I’m confused by their shock. I’m also concerned about what’s not being addressed in their proposed solutions.
The acceptable response seems to be that we need to better educate students and teachers about what bullying is and how to react appropriately to it. This plan is positive, certainly. But on its own, it seems a little like bailing frantically without looking for the hole in the boat through which the water is leaking.
Each time one of these stories is reported, the tag line is: “kids can be so cruel.” This is something we tend to say. Kids these days, they can be so cruel. But I think this is just a phrase we toss around to excuse ourselves from facing the truth. Because I don’t think kids are any crueler than adults. I just think kids aren’t quite as adept yet at disguising their cruelty.
Yesterday I heard a radio report that students who are most likely to be bullied are gay kids, overweight kids, and Muslim kids.
Hmmmmm.
I would venture to guess that at this point in American history, gay adults, overweight adults, and Muslim adults feel the most bullied as well.
Children are not cruel. Children are mirrors. They want to be “grown-up.” So they act how grown-ups act when we think they’re not looking. They do not act how we tell them to act at school assemblies. They act how we really act. They believe what we believe. They say what we say. And we have taught them that gay people are not okay. That overweight people are not okay. That Muslim people are not okay. That they are not equal. That they are to be feared. And people hurt the things they fear. We know that. What they are doing in the schools, what we are doing in the media – it’s all the same. The only difference is that children bully in the hallways and the cafeterias while we bully from behind pulpits and legislative benches and one liners on sit-coms.
And people are sensitive. People are heart-breakingly sensitive. If enough people tell someone over and over that he is not okay, he will believe it. And one way or another, he will die.
So how is any of this surprising? It’s quite predictable, actually. It’s trickle-down cruelty.
I don’t know much. But I know that each time I see something heartbreaking on the news, each time I encounter a problem outside, the answer to the problem is inside. The problem is AWAYS me and the solution is ALWAYS me. If I want my world to be less vicious, then I must become more gentle. If I want my children to embrace other children for who they are, to treat other children with the dignity and respect every child of God deserves, then I had better treat other adults the same way. And I better make sure that my children know beyond a shadow of a doubt that in God’s and their father’s and my eyes, they are okay. They are fine. They are loved as they are. Without a single unless. Because the kids who bully are those who are afraid that a secret part of themselves is not okay.
****
Dear Chase,
Whoever you are, whoever you become. You are loved. You are a miracle. You are our dream come true.
Chase, here is what would happen in our home if one day you tell your father and I that you are gay.
Our eyes would open wide.
And we would grab you and hold you tighter than you would be able to bear. And while we were holding you we would say a silent prayer that as little time as possible passed between the moment you knew you were gay and the moment you told us. And that you were never once afraid to tell us. And we would love you and ask you one million questions and then we would love you some more and finally, I would likely rush out to buy some rainbow t-shirts, honey, because you know mama likes to have an appropriate outfit for every occasion.
And I don’t mean, Chase, that we would be tolerant of you and your sexuality. If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, Chase, then we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated. People, every person, Is Divine. And so there would be celebrating. Celebrating that you would be one step closer to matching your outsides with your insides, to being who you are. And there would be a teeny part of my heart that would leap at the realization that I would forever be the most important woman in your life. And then we would tell everyone. We would not concern ourselves too much with their reactions. There will always be party poopers, baby.
We just wanted you to know this, honey. We’ve worried that since we are Christians, and since we love The Bible so much, that there might come a day when you feel unclear about our feelings about this. Because there are a few parts in The Bible that discuss homosexuality as a sin. So let us be clear about how we feel, because we have spent years of research and prayer and discussion deciding.
Chase, we don’t believe that homosexuality is a sin. Your parents are Christians who carefully choose what we believe and follow in the Bible. Some will tell you that this approach to Christianity is scandalous and blasphemous. But the thing is, honey, that the only thing that’s scandalous about this approach is admitting it out loud. The truth is that every Christian is a Christian who picks and chooses what to follow in the Bible.
Several years ago I was in a Bible study at church, and there was some talk about homosexuality being sinful, and I spoke up. I quoted Mother Teresa and said “When we judge people we have no time to love them.” And I was immediately reprimanded for my blasphemy by a woman who reminded me of 1 Corinthians 6: 9-10. But I was very confused because this woman was speaking. In church. And she was also wearing a necklace. And I could see her hair, baby. She had no head covering. All of which are things that are sooooo totally against the Bible Rules. * And so I just assumed that she had decided not to follow the parts of the Bible that limited her particular freedoms, but to go ahead and hold fast to the parts that limited other people’s freedoms. I didn’t point this out at the time baby, because she wasn’t a bad person. People are doing the best they can, mostly. It’s best not to embarrass people.
What I’m trying to say is that each Christian uses different criteria to decide what parts of the Bible to prioritize and demonstrate in their lives. Our criteria is that if it doesn’t bring us closer to seeing humanity as one, as connected, if it turns our judgment outward instead of inward, if it doesn’t help us become better lovers of God and others, if it distracts us from remembering what we are really supposed to be doing down here, which is finding God in every human being, serving each other before ourselves, feeding hungry people, comforting the sick and sad, giving up everything we have for others, laying down our lives for our friends . . . then we just assume we don’t understand it yet, we put it on a shelf, and we move on. Because all I need to know is that I am reborn. And here’s what I believe it means to be reborn:
The first time you’re born, you identify the people in the room as your family. The second time you’re born, you identify the whole world as your family. Christianity is not about joining a particular club, it’s about waking up to the fact that we are all in the same club. Every last one of us. So avoid discussions about who’s in and who’s out at all costs. Everybody’s in, baby. That’s what makes it beautiful. And hard. If working out your faith is not beautiful and hard, find a new one to work out. And if spiritual teachers are encouraging you to fear anyone, watch them closely, honey. Raise your eyebrow and then your hand. Because the phrase repeated most often in that Bible they are quoting is Do Not Be Afraid. So when they tell you that gay people are a threat to marriage, honey, think hard.
I can only speak from my personal experience, but I’ve been married for eight years and barely any gay people have tried to break up my marriage. I say barely any because that Nate Berkus is a little shady. I am defenseless against his cuteness and eye for accessories and so he is always convincing me to buy beautiful trinkets with our grocery money. This drives your sweet father a bit nuts. So you might want to keep your eye on Berkus. But with the exception of him, I’m fairly certain that the only threats to my marriage are my pride and anger and plain old human wanderlust. Do not be afraid of people who seem different than you, baby. Different always turns out to be an illusion. Look hard.
Chase, God gave you the Bible, and He also gave you your heart and your mind and I believe He’d like you to use all three. It’s a good system of checks and balances He designed. Prioritizing can still be hard, though. Jesus predicted that. So he gave us this story. A man approached Jesus and said that he was very confused by all of God’s laws and directions and asked Jesus to break it down for him. He said, “What are the most important laws?” And Jesus said, “Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love others as yourself.” ** When in doubt, Chase, measure all your decisions and beliefs against that. Make damn sure that you are offering others the same rights, courtesies, and respect that you expect for yourself. If you do that, you can’t go wrong.
Chase, you are okay. You are a child of God. As is everyone else. There is nothing that you can become or do that will make God love you any more or any less. Nothing that you already are or will become is a surprise to God. Tomorrow has already been approved.
And so baby, your father and I have only one specific expectation of you. And that is that you celebrate others the way we celebrate you. That you remember, every day, every minute, that there is no one on God’s Green Earth who deserves more or less respect than you do, My Love.
“He has shown you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” ***
Love, Mama
PS. We thought we should mention, honey, that if you’re straight, that’s okay too. I mean, it’d be a little anti-climactic now, honestly. But your father and I will deal.
PPS. All of the above holds true if you are overweight or Muslim too. No problem on either count.
PPPS. As daddy read this essay, I watched his gorgeous face intensify. He teared up a little. Then he slammed the letter down on the kitchen table and said emphatically and without a touch of irony, “DAMN STRAIGHT.”
Which, when you think about it honey, is really the funniest possible thing daddy could have said.
Love you Forever.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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531 Comments
🙂 Thanks.
You are "in," Cinnamon, everyone's in. I think that's the basic point here. It is not our place to judge – we must assume that everyone's in and do our best to follow the truth that we find in our hearts – but if others' truths don't exactly match ours we must still love and accept them. I love the idea that tolerance is not enough. I shouldn't exclude you for disagreeing with me any more than I should exclude someone based on their appearance, religion or sexuality; but, moreover, I should try my best to embrace the divinity in you because God most certainly dwells in you too.
No irony here, you're IN Cinnamon, so feel free to speak up!
:)MK
PS. I just realized that my husband is the one who is signed in right now and my comments came up under his name. This isn't Chad. This is his wife, Cinnamon.
I believe that there is a truth, and that we are happy as we live by it, and unhappy as we kick against it. I want my children to be happy and will teach them, in the best way that I can, how to find that. Of course I will love them no matter what they choose. That doesn’t mean I have to approve of everything that they choose. I have struggled since Glennon posted this with what to say here. I soak up her words like a sponge. She works magic with her pen and I laugh, cry, and identify. So I hesitated to speak up and say something that will set me apart. (Ironic laugh here), I want to be “in”. But I so strongly feel this needs to be said. As we love our children, we want so badly to steer them away from the things that will hurt them. They themselves are evidence of the sweetest joys of life that they will be missing if they choose a gay or lesbian lifestyle. I want them to have the joy that they have brought me. There is a truth, and it is my job to understand it in the best way I can, teach it to my children, and then love, love, love them, no matter what.
"(God) is a tender parent who would spare us needless suffering and grief and at the same time help us realize our divine potential. The scriptures, for example, discredit an ancient philosophy that has come back into vogue in our day –the philosophy of Korihor that there are no absolute moral standards, that "every man prosper[s] according to his genius, and that every man conquer[s] according to his strength; and whatsoever a man [does is] no crime" and "that when a man [is] dead, that [is] the end thereof: (Alma 30: 17-18). Alma, who had dealt with Korihor, did not leave his own son Corianton in doubt about the reality and substance of a divine moral code. Corianton had been guilty of sexual sin, (he had committed fornication)and his father spoke to him in love but plainly: "Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?"(Alma39:5)
In a complete reversal from a century ago, many today would dispute with Alma about the seriousness of immorality. Others would argue that it's all relative or that God's love is permissive. If there is a God, they say, He excuses all sins and misdeeds because of His love for us– there is no need for repentance. Or at most, a simple confession will do. They have imagined a Jesus who wants people to work for social justice but who makes no demands upon their personal life and behavior. But a God of love does not leave us to learn by sad experience that "wickedness never was happiness: (Alma 41:10; see also Helaman 13:38). His commandments are the voice of reality and our protection against self-inflicted pain. The scriptures are the touchstone for measuring correctness and truth, and they are clear that real happiness lies not in denying the justice of God or trying to circumvent the consequences of sin but in repentance and forgiveness through the atoning grace of the Son of God (see Alma 42)." –Elder D. Todd Christofferson
So can I bottle you're heart and share it with the world? WOW! This was beautiful!
I've never seen your blog before. A friend of mine linked to this post on Facebook. I'm neither straight nor Christian, but you? You are what is meant by the word "Christian." So few people who use the word (and, let's be honest, are outspoken about saying they're Christian) truly are. They don't truly follow the teachings of Christ. Thank you for being outspoken enough about this to give so much hope, to people who are societally different, to people trying to life the best way they know how, and to people who need to hear these words. Thank you for being awesome. And thank you for knowing what "unconditional love" truly means.
I have to admit, I am not one to ever comment on things online, but I must tell you, Glennon, that this was by far the most moving piece I have read in light of all of the recent bullying / suicides. I had tears streaming down my face as I read what I have often thought and lacked the words to describe. So many times religion is used to "hate" and it gives relgion a bad name.
I linked your blog to my facebook page with the comment "If all parents were like this, the world would be a much better place." And I have watched friend after friend, re-link your blog onto their pages hoping that sharing your words will help open the hearts and minds of other parents to follow in your example. Thank you for writing this and thank you for giving me hope again…
I don't have children
I'm not married
I'm not religious
But if I ever have children
I hope that this is the type of parent I will be.
this was so inspiring and moving to read
Coming from a family that loves and supports my gay sister I LOVED this essay. Thank you!
this post showed up on my facebook newsfeed. i've never heard of your blog, i'm not christian, and i'm not a mom. but i am gay. and i live in maine, where last year my state voted to repeal a law that would give me the right to marry whomever i love. and this year we are facing a gubernatorial race that could end up putting in office a man who wants to repeal the amendment to our human rights act that makes it illegal to, among other things, fire me for loving the people i love. so i came to this post cautiously, because what i just described is done by people in the name of god, and so i am cautious in general about christians. and i want you to know that i got about three words into your letter to your son and started crying, because your love and celebration of who he might be someday are that clear, and i wish that you could say that to all the people in this state who are afraid, and that they would hear you as clearly as i did.
i work a lot with youth. i see the bullying all the time, and i see incredibly brave lgbtq and straight youth standing up to it, even when that just looks like coming to school. so thank you for writing this. thank you for teaching your children this. thank you for putting this into the world. you are one more light in the darkness.
Dear Glennon,
I just wanted to chime in to let you know that I think you are a very gifted writer and I think you did a marvelous job here.
My answer to those who think homosexuality is a sin is that if it is (which I have trouble accepting as God makes us all in his image) let it be their sin, not mine. The SECOND I hate or judge a person it becomes my sin. For there is no question, hatred is a sin.
When my boys say, "So and So gets to stay up late or do this or that". I tell them "Lucky for you, you only have to worry about you and your rules".
I have three boys ages 8, 6 and 10 months. What we tell them is that they will never do anything so bad or wrong that we will not love them. This applies to everything from getting a "yellow" in school behavior to doing drugs. We encourage them to talk to us with their questions even when it is a hard subject or they know we are going to be upset at first. I can now see how fast they are growing up and how quickly their problems are moving from the black and white answers to every shade of gray. So far this tactic is working. I pray that it always does. The gift of helping three little people grow to be adults is both amazing and daunting and I enjoy hearing from other parents. I am learning a lot.
All the best to you and your readers!
Gretchen
edenfeed.com
I read this post because a friend posted it on Facebook. I've now done the same as it is one of the most moving things I've ever read. It made me laugh, cry, and wish there were more people in the world like you.
This post spoke to me in so many ways. I have saved it so I can refer to it as needed. Thank you for bringing clarity to such complex issues. Not only do you have a good heart, but you are also able to articulate your thoughts. Thank you.
Glennon: This is awesome. Thank you for showing the loving traits of a mom and the loving values of those that wish to claim their faith in religions without defiling others on the way to asserting that faith. I can only hope that others will 'do unto others as they would have done unto them', aka – play nice. 🙂
G,
I must admit, I was doing the ugly cry while I was reading this; I actually had to stop and re-gain composure because my sobbing made my eyes squinch up so I couldn't see.
How different the world would be if every child (gay, straight, overweight, underweight, Muslim, Jewish, etc.) heard this at home.
Wow.
dear momastery, i love this blog post so much i cried a little and then blew some snot from my nose laughing hard. the bit about nate berkus, and "damn straight." that really slew me.
really, what a beautiful, beautiful post. i read it mostly as an adult gay man who appreciates a thoughtful letter addressing kind, smart religious beliefs mixed with current socio-political thinking.
but i PARTIALLY, just a TEENSY TEENSY PARTIALLY, read it as a young boy who would have loved to have this letter penned just for him.
momastery, i am going to read it again in a little while, as if it were penned just for him. i'll probably cry and blow some more snot, which really to me is high praise to any writer.
then i will thank you again.
and send blessings to you, your sweet family, and your talent as a writer.
Jeff, that is so awesome. You are worthy of that kind of love and celebration and so is the child in you.
Wow!!! You're my new hero. We need to get you booked on Oprah and the Today show and whatever other venue will have you.
I was raised Catholic, and no longer have any faith in a God, but the way you talk about your faith is the way that I was raised, and if all Christians were so insightful, I think we'd have a lot less stress right now.
Your child is lucky to have been born into your family. Keep on spreading that love and wisdom!
Sending you much love and light—-you are a gift. As the 40 something lesbian daughter of a missionary & preacher, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Know that right now you are speaking truth and love into the heart of a young person. This young man or woman is struggling, feels so very lonely, and is trying hard to reconcile the person they are—and so fearful that their life will forever be in the dark–shaming God and their family. You have provided hope, love, and much celebration of the perfect creation they are—and who they have yet to become.
I celebrate you, your message—and will keep you, your husband, and Chase forever in my prayers. Thank you.
sunny,
me too.
love, g
MONKEES ROCK…just sayin'.
I've read this everyday since it was posted…and the comments to follow…and I still feel like crying and singing and dancing.
and CELEBRATING.
Wonderful words, insight, faith and love. If only all of us as parents, friends and humans, could pass such a heartfelt message on to the important people in our lives so eloquently.
You are an amazing mom and Christian. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. It is so heartwarming to hear.
Thank you! I never comment but here I am- I hope I can do as well talking to my kids when they come to me with something big. SO appreciated.
Dear Chase:
Your Mom is an awesome Mom. I know she's getting a lot of readers right now who wish she was their mom. I'm a college professor who teaches writing; someday, when I grow up, I want to be a writer like your mom.
One thing about what she wrote to you, though? She does know gay people. She just doesn't know she knows them – yet. One in ten means one in ten of the people she knows. Pretty soon, since she's come out as an ally, they'll be showing up, letting her know.
Enjoy your life, little one – many blessings on you and your family.
Glennon,
I want these words to find their way into the life of every person on this planet. I believe it's impossible to read your post and not be changed for the better.
Also, you know at least one gay person and her name is Rachel Regan! (now Rachel Richardson) And it looks like my wife Cathy is your new friend too. 🙂
I'm so proud to know you and call you my sister.
Love + HTH, mama
Rach
1. I had yet to read a commentary on this issue that made my eyes tear up – until yours. Well, well done.
2. That Nate Berkus IS shady. Little cutie-pie.
I don't know you but I love you.
I am a lesbian Mama with a 2 1/2 year old son who has had some horrible struggles in his short time on this planet (severe heart disease). I think about the challenges he will face as a kid with a life threatening illness, as a kid with two Moms, as a kid raised Jewish…to know that he will continue on his journey with people like you on the planet raising his peers makes me happy to be alive.
Jaime
simonlev.blogspot.com
I've been struggling lately with the "Christians" I encounter on the Internet. I can't call myself one. I wasn't really raised with it as anything more than an afterthought, but I say a prayer every night and have always believed that someone or something bigger than us loved us and thought we were fantastic. Anyway, what I had been encountering lately just didn't match my idea or feeling of a compassionate higher power. But this, what you wrote and I just read, brought tears to my eyes, happy tears, tears saying I had found the thoughts and faith that MATCHED. So thank you for letting me know you are out there.
I am a lesbian, and a mom to a 16 month old boy, with another little one on the way in a few months. My partner and I do everything we can to make sure our son feels loved every day, but we often wonder about what will happen when he truly enters the "real world" and we are no longer able to protect him. That you, and people like you, are out there reassures me in so many ways. May every parent read this and love their children as you love yours.
Dear Glennon, you have made at least one new gay friend today. God bless you and thank you so much for posting this!
Simply put … this is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Thank you.
Coming back to this post and comments again after sharing on FB and with other friends. A beautifully written gift to all of us. Love you, G!
Thank you for your so insightful, so important, wise, wise words. It is wonderful to see this dialog from a Christian perspective. I am convinced that the only way we can create positive change is to accept and celebrate each other and our differences–to be able to engage with other stories and seek to understand what we believe, why we believe what we believe, and how we can connect and empower each other through our hearts and actions.
Once again, thank you for writing this. I am so grateful.
Thoughtful and wonderfully written!
At our Unitarian Universalists congregation we have near mirror discussions and perspective 🙂
If you don't already know about it, please learn about Standing on the Side of Love (http://www.standingonthesideoflove.org/) a "public advocacy campaign that seeks to harness love’s power to stop oppression."
I agree completely with your sentiment about the fear or pain a bully must be feeling to pick on and inflict harm on others. We have a local politician that is so mean to some people, we're just waiting to find out what it is that he is really afraid of within himself that would bubble up to such vile hatred toward others.
G –
So many wonderful, well deserved comments! I kept my head low for a while, cause I didn't think I had much to add.
I am a non-practicing half-Jew who wasn't baptized by my non-practicing Presbyterian mother and non-practicing Jew father. Somehow my brother and I managed to learn the same lessons you are (and will be) teaching Chase and Tish and Amma. My point is — it's not about being a good Christian, or Jew or Muslim or Mormon or whatever. Or whether or not the Bible is the literal word of God prescribing what "good" and "bad" are. Honestly, I really don't care. (Sorry, I just don't.) It's about being a decent human being dedicated to sharing this Earth with (and making it better for) other human beings–the good, the bad, the non-believers, the "sinners".
I guess if that could be my "religion", I might go back to the "church"…
My boys face a world that is more mulitfaceted and daunting than the one we did, or that our parents did. I'm really scared for their journey. Middle and highschool almost did me in. Kids are cruel and mean and self-preserving. The pain was real. And I know how mean and cruel their parents can be to them, and to others.
Thanks again for putting the emphasis where it should be — on improving ourselves and our world, and not on trying to "prove" whether some people on this Earth just deserve our hurtful bullying more than others.
Wow. I just found your blog. I'm glad you're taking the time to do this with your morning coffee. You ARE a writer. I DO like you.
I've only had time to read a couple of your posts but they've made me laugh out loud and cry. I've already shared this with a bunch of other moms. Thanks.
Glennon, you are truly amazing! This is my favorite post of yours ever and I have a lot of favorites. You said what you said in such a beautiful way. I think you are so smart and so hilarious!
I was reading the posts and noticed the poster named Francie. I have an 11 year old Francie and don't hear of other ones ever!
I am a jmu sk and friend of Paula. That is how I came to find out about you. Thanks for doing what you do!
First, I must admit I'm an atheist. But wow. That was an amazing, heart-warming, beautifully-written essay. Thank you.
I love you for posting this for all to see. I am sharing it with my friends on facebook.
This is amazing. You and your husband are amazing. I've wondered where Christ is in some Christians…Glad to have found it today 🙂
I found my way here when a friend linked to you on facebook, and I am so happy to have found this thoughtful, loving post.
I myself am in the midst of my own spiritual crisis, trying my hardest to love Christ and love others and love myself, and man oh man did I need to hear your message today.
Thank you so much.
Chimmy…what book? Sounds like something I should read!
And Anonymous at 10:14 on 10/20…no one can be damn sure they are right when talking about religion. That's the whole point of faith, right? You don't know you're right any more than I do or anyone else does. What's your "proof" that it's a transgression that trumps my "proof" that it's not?
We are to love, but telling someone that their transgressions aren't transgressions is blocking their way to repentance and forgiveness. I hope everyone spends a considerable amount of time being damn sure they are right before setting up that "loving" roadblock… damn sure.
Amazing! I love you already!
Oh my gosh! My daughter just told me to read this blog and post. I have felt like I have been on an island in my thinking as a Christian about love and acceptance of others and not judging. You are absolutely right! How encouraging it is to see this. Thank you.
it is posts and comments that really make me celebrate humanity.
i've read this post over and over and over and over again. and the comments too.
i chose to do that uniquely human thing of really thinking and reflecting (okay obsessing) over it, in all its beauty. imagining that all of this that we have here can spill over into the worlds around us, where we are surrounded by monkees… if only they knew 🙂
just finished reading an excellent book centered around two favorites: mother teresa and the concept of namaste, or namaskar/nomaskar/namaste, which if you don't know sanskrit or bengali means "i bow in front of the divinity who is in you… i recognize the god who is within you".
and like many others have said here, god is love.
if we more fully embraced and embodied love and celebrated it no matter what, we'd be less apt to destroy ourselves… each other.
momastery is a damn good start!
namaste y'all 🙂
What a lucky child Chase is!!!
This is quite possibly the best blog post I have ever read! …..I laughed, I cried.
Kudos!
SusiLove
Greeting all from your long lost Granny Monkee. I have been reading every post but when I tried to respond for some reason my computer would mess up or something would happen and my post wouldn't go through. Hmmm maybe that was God keeping my mouth shut for a time.
I have wrestled with the issues of bullies and gay students for most of my teaching and parenting career. My daughter was bullied in middle school and my heart broke as I tried to help her deal with it, while I wanted to go strangle the little b_____ and her Mom–isn't that a Christian attitude for you. It all happened in a Christian School as well. Hmmmm
Since I began teaching I have had students in my classes who I knew were gay whether they had come out or not. Sometimes, I don't even theik they had reached the realization yet. I have watched their interaction with other students and tried to act as a buffer to protect their tender hearts from hurt, while my heart hurt for them and for the students that didn't know how to accept someone so different from them. Especially, when they were still trying to figure out who they were themselves.
I don't think they decided one day to be gay, I just think that they are. I don't think something awful happened to them to cause them to be gay, I think they just are. God fearfully and wonderfully knit us together in our mother's womb and we have the responsibility to love how he made us and how he made everyother person on the earth.
There is a show on MTV called: If They Only Knew Me. I challenge each of you to watch it and come away understanding the issues that high school students face daily. I suggest you have a box of Kleenex ready because you will need it. I am hoping to have them come to my school.
We have started the club I have talked about RISE (Raiders Initiating Selfless Endeavors).
That's a mouthful but the kids came up with the name. They are running the club and I am their cheerleader. We are just taking baby steps but have about 50 kids that expressed an interest in particpating in club projects here and raising money to send abroad. The art club at school is making necklaces and selling them to raise money to send to Africa. RISE wants to sprend the word about IJM as well so I am excited to watch what the students will do to change their world.
On another note—Megan is in Uganda as I am typing. Please keep she and Michael in your prayers.
Love you all. I don't have all the answers figured out about the Bible, Christians and Gays but I do know that God calles us to love each other not be bullies or haters or any other negative act that can be thought of. It is a joy to walk with Him and try to love as He loves. I love all of you and as a human race we need to love and build each other up in the place that we are. That's what makes life the adventure that I love.
Love all my monkees and little monkees as well.
Grannie Monkey
Glennon, I've never met you, but I can tell you are indeed a fine person. I just wish more of the voices of people who claim to count themselves as faithful Christians (or any other religion) were as tolerant and true to the central tenets of their faiths as yours is. So much harm is done in the name of religion, but you just helped even the score a little. Chase is indeed a lucky boy.
This is lovely, and I will, like the many others above, share this on other sites.
I'm going to start using "Everyone's in, baby."
I don't know you but I sure wish I did. I could be your first gay friend. All I can say is thank you – for your acceptance, for your candor, and for the beautiful way that you accept responsibility and step up to the challenge of saving the world.
Take care & be well-
I just want to continue to heap the praise on the post. I found this linked through Digger's blog, and I love it. I, too, am an educator, and have shared this link with some co-workers and friends. I am hoping to use the letter/post in a training I am conducting later this week on how to teach students who are different from us.
Thank you for sharing your gift of writing and speaking the words in my heart. You have given guidance and comfort, which should be the goal of all of us.
I do not know you, but I am grateful for this small connection. You have made my life better.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Becky
Terrific perspective and thoughtful. I do take issue, however, with your focus on gay, overweight, and Muslim children being the main recipients of bullying. As the father of five adopted Asian children my kids received their share of bullying and name calling in school. And as your post suggests, the comments have not necessarily stopped now that they are adults. I would submit that bullying is directed at those that are different than the surrounding population and "different" may be only in the eyes of the bully who is trying to lower another to his/her own level of self worth.
I just finished reading this. I'm at work. It is lunch time. My 30 minutes of chill time in a hectic day. I can't think of a break better spent.
Though I'm not "Christian", my belief system, as far as priorities are concerned, are pretty much the same. You've written something beautiful and I wish more people "got it".
Beautiful. Thank you. Your kids are going to turn out pretty darn awesome. 🙂
Happy Spirit day, Monkees! I hope you're all wearing purple. 🙂
http://www.glaad.org/spiritday
Love,
Brooks
I first read this last week and have been sitting back as a quiet observer to the comments. I am not only moved by the power of the post itself but also by the Monkees. Glennon – what you've created here would be very hard to duplicate. I have never in my life seen a group of people this size treat each other with such love and respect. Love me some Monkees and love me some Glennon.
Thank you for having the courage to share this Glennon. I couldn't agree more.
Your son is a lucky boy to have you as a mom. This post is amazing and powerful and brought a tear to my eyes, both due to laughter and emotions. Thank you for writing this post and this letter.
That was an incredibly beautiful, powerful post, and I am so grateful to have been pointed here to read it. Thank you for sharing these wise, eloquent words with a world sorely in need of them.
Even as an agnostic, I found this to be a beautiful essay.
" I met the enemy and he is us."
Pogo—By Walt Kelly
G,
I have to believe you made a difference with this. A big difference.
Brava,
D
What a wonderful post (a friend posted a link on her FB)! It really resonated with me.
One thought. My mother attended a church that slightly altered the "second law of Christianity". They believed that instead of loving our neighbor as ourselves we should focus on loving our neighbor as Our Father loves us. Their point was that there are a lot of people out there who don't love themselves.
Blessings to those who believe in the power of love!
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
Thanks, Lisa. (And St. Francis)
Love G
Woo hoo Nik and Carol! Kudos to both of you.
:)MK
(PS – You're right, most of us DO know better.)
I love this post. As a straight former spouse of a gay man, I had every reason to rant and be angry. But I knew what he went through in his efforts to believe, and his later efforts at acceptance, and I could never muster any lasting anger, only love. I appreciate you putting into words the acceptance that is needed for all of us.
Hi, I just happened to see this when a friend posted it on Facebook. As an overweight lesbian atheist I was quite touched by your letter. Many Christians (and religious people in general) make me a bit nervous, but your kind of Christianity I can accept– that is, the kind that genuinely seems to care about people, and doesn't think having faith means abandoning reason.
Most people on this blog seem to know better, but I just have to respond to Anonymous at 5:34 on 10/16, because practically everything she said is just WRONG.
Anonymous, there is NO statistical link between homosexuality and pedophilia. This has been shown time and again, and it is only by selectively quoting studies so as to pervert their conclusions that you arrive at statements like this. Anti-gay activists keep repeating them, and frightened heterosexals keep believing them, but they aren't true. See http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/Articles/000,002.htm just for example, or better yet, go to the original academic sources.
People are not "turned gay" by bad sexual experiences, bad parenting, or taking up figure skating, whatever the Family Research Council may be claiming this week. Oh yeah, and "ex-gays" are kidding themselves, but at least they aren't killing themselves so there remains some hope for them.
Please find out the truth before you go repeating things like this again. As someone in your Bible once said, "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor." And it *wasn't* an apostle.
-Nik
What a beautiful post. So beautiful that it got forwarded to me by a friend. Thank you.
If Chase ends up being gay and if you truly want the time to be brief between his discovery of that fact and his sharing of that fact with you, then you may want to start letting him know now that when he grows up he can love whoever he will. I assure you that you won't make him gay.
I was always careful not to presume that my daughters would marry a man when when they grew up so that they would know that I was truly accepting of them-in all ways. They have let me know that they would be marrying a man, if they got married. At 15 and 18 they do see to be straight, but some of their friends are not. And they know, without a doubt, that I am an ally to them and to their friends.
Blessings,
Laila
Your letter to Chase made me cry (and not cry in sadness) but rather joy! Joy to read your words of love…unconditional love! I have a 15 year old sister whom we have "thought" was gay since she was very little, and I worry that I do not convey how happy I am for her…happy that she is being true to herself and who she has always been! I hope you don't mind, but I printed your letter to your son for her! I think it is perfection…because who I see when I look at her is strength, and love! Thank you so much for sharing this! kindly- L
thanks for hanging in there with us, gretchen.
im happy for you and your amazing little people.
xo
g
All I know is that if my partner and I had not met and fallen in love, if we had not chosen to make a commitment to spend our lives together, if we had not decided to start a family, then this world would be without two of the most amazing little people I know.
p.s. it's always interesting watching a part of your life and it's validity be debated by others. thanks for starting the conversation!
G:
Your knack for expressing the things hidden inside the hearts of many is a beautiful reflection of the God who created you. I have so much respect for a woman who is willing to "go there" and challenge us all to think, to reflect, to dig deep into our souls and search out the good, the bad and the ugly. It's all there inside of us, that has been made clear.
I am married to a pastor, making me a pastor's wife, also making me risky/vulnerable in this discussion. Hmmm…
My own love for the Bible, and the God who inspired it, comes from an honest-to-God belief that all of his words are meant for LIFE, and for it to be lived in the fullest. That statement carries much baggage, but by it I simply mean a freedom like King David says, "he makes me to lie down in green pastures… though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will have no fear." (Ps 23)
No fear. None. Just like you said.
When God's beauty is misunderstood/miscommunicated/misinterpreted we are all at a loss, for His love runs deep.
My prayer is that the deep, deep love of God as given to us by the Holy Spirit and as shown to us in Christ Jesus, would be the rich source of true life it is intended to be in it's entirety. That confusion and frustration over certain perceived incongruities (and I do mean perceived — I believe women can speak in church and not cover their heads and that is NOT picking and choosing from scripture, it's a much longer answer…)can be reconciled from a place of great trust and love and fear of the Lord.
He is, after all, Lord of all creation. The earth, and everything in it, is indeed his.
We would most definitely be better mothers, friends and people if we really agreed with this. Instead of seeing some of the things as mine and yours, his and hers. It's all his and our place in it never had anything to do with judgment. 'Cause it's not our stuff! It's God's stuff, he'll do the judging.
With very much love for God and his creation,
Danielle
PS
On the topic of the 'wrath' of God people are often angered over (something that often surfaces in the debate over sexuality in general)… the word for 'wrath' is more accurately translated as 'frustrated desire,' indicating the deep desire of God for his people to live in that deep love of his, and his frustration over the fact that it's not happening. God's love is as expansive as the ever-expanding universe! May He restore our souls! (Ps 25)
You writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing.
Namaste
Just stumbled upon your blog, and boy am I glad! This was so beautifully written. I may have to write a letter like this to my own kids, just in case. I'd steal your letter and swap in my own kids names if I could feel good about it, but I just don't think it would be as genuine.
🙂
Thank you for saying what so many think, but aren't brave enough to say!
Hi Geek,
Good for you. So much love.
G
I was bullied in high school. I found out at our 20th reunion that my tormentor became a stripper and is dying of AIDS. She also has a daughter. I am ashamed to admit that I rejoiced in that news. I will try to love her from now on, as a fellow child of God. Thank you Momastery! How freeing!
Geek
I came across this sermon yesterday and I think it's so beautiful. I just couldn't contain my tears towards the end.
http://vimeo.com/13499346
No matter what the occasion is when you present your son (children) with this letter, they are blessed.
I wanted to just say that I've always hated the word "tolerant", and when people have used the word to describe me I've been mystified. I thought you tolerated flu shots, and if you didn't you got sick. But I'm too far from being able to use the word "celebrate", just because I'm usually too matter-of-fact about things. I'll try to change that. Thanks.
Glennon & Monkees, what a fantastic essay and discussion! I am so thankful that you chose to write on this topic. May all of these messages of love ripple far and wide!
I was bullied for a time and it sucked. It was by somebody who was full of meanness and toxicity. This toxicity seemed to infect my small sixth grade class and others joined in against me — kids with whom I'd never previously had any issue — kids whose previous relationships with me had been mutually respectful and congenial. Maybe they were afraid of getting on her bad side, I don't know — just like I can only speculate as to why and how I became her target and why she behaved the way she did. My sixth grade teacher employed bullying as a classroom control tactic so she didn't seem to recognize this girl's behavior as particularly harmful. Moreover, I felt embarrassed and ashamed that I had been targeted so I did not tell anybody at home about it for fear that I would make them sad for me which just felt too cringe-worthy.
The whole experience left me reeling after we moved to a different state for high school and I started to attend a much better school filled with what to me looked like incredibly well-adjusted, talented, confident kids. I felt like a wounded rescue dog who'd just emerged from starvation and imprisonment in a dark cave — squinting, aching, scared and deeply distrustful of others. I cringed and cowered a lot and felt constantly angry and defensive. I pushed away some of those well-adjusted, talented, confident kids who tried to be my friends because I didn't understand why they were showing me love and attention — I just couldn't believe that it could last and so I made sure that it didn't — I didn't stop until I actually got them to dislike me. I also shunned a variety of enriching opportunities that came my way because I didn't feel worthy of them — I saw them as things I would've loved to have done "once upon a time." And so instead, I opted for things I didn't like too much and for which I didn't have any particular aptitude or passion. It was as if I was on a mission to prove that bully right again and again again. Eventually, somehow, I wound up with a great group friends of anyway, thank God — girls with whom I could be silly, creative, and free — girls with whom I could reclaim parts of my true self while repairing some of my broken spirit. I know that I was a difficult friend at times but they stuck with me through everything — they were and are a testament to unconditional love. And eventually, my spirit did get repaired and I did get myself back plus a whole lot more and I see that part of my life now as a terribly painful trial. I have to say though, that even when the bullying was its worst, the idea of suicide or physically harming myself in any way never occurred to me. I read four different stories recently of students who killed themselves because of being bullied and it breaks my heart that in addition to not getting the help they so totally deserved they must not have realized that "this too shall pass." I don't have any articulate commentary or advice to offer at this point, other than to say it needs to stop — everybody needs to do something — at home, at school, in the media, kids of ALL ages need to get called out on their bullying. Bullying must be universally condemned and stigmatized. Bullying must be supplanted by love and universal human respect. All lives must be cherished as precious, and as you so wonderfully said, celebrated!
Digger linked your post on her blog – what a beautiful heartfelt, loving and Christ-centered response. Thank you for posting this essay. I hope to share this blog with others. Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Wow–what a gift to find this blog! I'm a pastor in a place where this kind of thought is not in the vocal majority, so I find myself giving a great sigh of relief.
I've tried to address the picking and choosing issue in my own life; I do think it's a pretty natural thing to do, but I also think we have to wrestle with the things we don't agree with. The rule I use generally, though, is: Does it support/engender love? Not romantic love, but the self-giving, community-building, life-giving, Jesus kind of love. Because wherever we find that, it's God's gift. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck–it's love–we know it when we see it.
There are all sorts of mean, self-destructive people in the world, some who use their sexuality in the process or as a weapon, but only some of them are gay. And it's not their gayness that causes them to do what they do. I hear people compare being gay with other natural inclinations that become destructive if not controlled–pride, selfishness, etc. But those things inherently work against abundant life, and gayness per se does not. If a GLBT person is sinful or hurtful or any other negative thing, it's because of some other human being issue they're having, not because they're gay.
Sorry this is so long–thanks again for helping us teach our children to love.
http://www.exodusinternational.org/content/blogcategory/20/149/
I'm going to share this with my friends. You might also enjoy this article: http://www.greeleytribune.com/article/20101016/FAITH/101019783/1038&parentprofile=1001
It's written by a "fellow traveler."
Great post! Thanks for this. Your son is lucky to have such loving parents.
A genius is the one most like himself. – Thelonious Monk
Hope we are all wise enough to celebrate and encourage the genius in ourselves and our children!
Beautifully written! I love you for loving your little boy as much as I love mine. I commented to a friend the other day the very same idea – if the ADULTS would stop being nasty, maybe the kids would too.
keep up the amazing work.
Sara
Oh Glennon…great post, great message! Thanks for taking the risk to be honest and share your thoughts and beliefs.
G-Love your blog, been following it ever since I discovered it. Thanks for addressing the topic of bullying. 60% of the adolescents admitted to the local psych ward here are there due to bullying–just something I discovered through nursing and was horrified to find out. I was the subject of serious bullying and I *still* have nightmares from time to time, even now in my 30's. I love that you express your unconditional love to Chase, something every child would die to hear from their parents. My only question is: why the focus on homosexuality and not all the other areas where children suffer? I'm just curious b/c I could have used a letter like that as a child–big time–but acceptance r/t homosexuality would have missed the mark totally. Just curious why you chose that focus…
Isaac, you make a wonderful point. One of the greatest difficulties I experienced learning about Christianity was that my father (a physically, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abusive man) could make it into Heaven just as easily as I could. It was a stumbling block for me. Once I encountered Christ and accepted Him, this fact became a sincere comfort. Nothing, nothing, nothing I could do could change Christ's love for me. Oh how wonderful… "How precious did that Grace appear…the hour I first believed." The more time I spend with Christ and His word, the more moments of growth (to which Glennon often contributes/inspires) like this I have. One such moment of growth is this…
When I was young I knew lots of boys (lots!) and they had somehow come across the notion that girl-on-girl action was hot. In not so subtle ways this idea was passed along to me, which I then acted on. It felt very natual and sexy and right. I kind of tucked it away and didn't think about it for a while, but it always lay dormant. When I met my future husband, it became part of our fantasy conversation. Suddenly it had resurfaced and made me wonder if maybe I wasn't gay or at least bisexual. Here I was married and concerned that I just might be gay. What a predicament. Not long after that I had an encounter with Christ and I asked Him what about these feelings. He said, "This is not for you, not for your life, not for your marriage." I understood, but what about these feelings? He responded, "Keep seeking me and I will make it right." So that's what I did. I seek Him daily and He has made it right. I have two beautiful daughters, an amazing husband and a love for God that grows every day.
hi, i'd never read you before, but this popped up on my facebook wall, and *wow*. Just, *wow*.
Thank you so much for sharing.
Wow. This is one amazing place. That's all I have to say. Meet hate with love and watch what happens!
:)MK
(PS- I love the part about "Do not fear" being a major theme of the Bible, and we talked about exactly that thing in our Sunday School teachers meeting this morning. Love one another, and do not fear ring really true, don't they?)
Beautiful. Just…beautiful.
Jenny – just wanted to say thank you for that link – reading now 🙂
To anonymous at 5:18am on 10/17:
Your story makes my heart hurt. To think that your family would choose to lose their relationship with you and not celebrate the fact that you are a loving mother living her life as honestly and authentically as possible is just terrible. But I'm thankful to know that you are living that honest life for yourself and your children.
And, if you do seek a Christian faith community for yourself and your family, they are not impossible to find. The Metropolitan Community Church is a denomination of 250 congregations in 23 countries with a special ministry to the LGBT community. My own denomination- The Episcopal Church– is a bit more hit or miss, but still mostly hit. Mainline protestant churches are grappling with issues of marriage and ordination for all, and are mostly coming down on the side of love and openness. This shouldn't be too shocking, with Jesus as a model.
Monkees have probably been seeing the "It gets better" videos that are being done in response to the bullying/suicides. I just saw one by Bishop Gene Robinson, the Episcopal Bishop on New Hampshire. It is wonderful!
PPS – That story about the "former homosexual" is just about the saddest story I've ever heard. That poor soul. 🙁
Anonymous at 5:34 on 10/16, if you are going to make a claim as radical and horrifying as the ones you made about homosexuality and pedophilia being linked, and about homosexuality stemming from traumatic same sex encounters, then you need to do two things in order to be taken seriously:
1) Don't hide behind anonymity
2) Cite your sources
Until then I'm drowning you out with love.
*Brooks
PS – I love LP, whoever he/she is.
"I lost my belief in God during this process, but this post made me feel for the first time in a long time, that perhaps being gay and being religious do not have to be mutually exclusive. "
That is wonderful:) Glennon, your words and the community you have created can do hard things:)
Andie