The most important thing in the world to me today is that you understand what my fierce, tender warrior heart is saying to your fierce, tender warrior heart in this essay.
It has come to my very concerned attention that since:
- My new book Love Warrior is about my husband’s infidelity (we’re just gonna keep saying that out loud ‘till it gets less scary); and
- We are still married,
There is some confusion about my beliefs and Love Warrior’s message on marriage, infidelity, divorce, and redemption.
I received these brutiful emails (and more like them) from my fellow sister Love Warriors since announcing my new book last week:
“My life was shattered in a million pieces when my “perfect” “doting” “amazing dad” of a husband decided he was done with me and the kids. You, my church, my tribe of sisters, and most of all God have healed me. I so badly want to read your new book but…will it apply to someone who’s marriage wasn’t healed? I just don’t know if your new book is for people like me, I want it to be.”
“I am so happy for you and your marriage—and that you’ve written the story of its redemption. I’m sure it will encourage those of us who are still striving for that. I’m just so scared and exhausted from the struggle—what if my marriage is never redeemed? What does my road look like of it doesn’t match yours?”
After walking through Sister’s divorce and remarriage, my own separation and reconciliation, and reading the stories from women around the globe about love lost and found, I have come to believe this:
I do not believe that every marriage should be saved. I’ve seen too much and listened too hard to believe that. I do not value marriage more than I value the individual souls inside of marriage. And I do not judge a love’s worth by how it ends. I do not. I believe that NO LOVE IS WASTED. 
Love is worthy of the time and sweat and tears it takes from us simply because it changes both lovers forever—whether they stay or go.
I stayed. For many reasons—most of which can’t even be put into words they’re so visceral and true and low and high.
Sister left. For many reasons—most of which can’t even be put into words they’re so visceral and true and low and high.
We both did the right thing. We both poured the same amount of love and hope and work into our marriages—one that ended and one that began again.
Listen to me: Some loves are perennials—they survive the winter and bloom again. Other loves are annuals—beautiful and lush and full for a season and then back to the Earth to die and create richer soil for new life to grow. The eventual result of both types of plants is New Life.
New life for annual and perennial plants. New love for annual and perennial loves. Nothing wasted. No such thing as failure. Love never fails. Never never. Are you still married? Your love did not fail. Are you divorced? Once? Twice? A third time? Your love did not fail. It made you who you are inside of THIS VERY moment. Love never fails.
When Craig and I separated, I was approached by groups asking me to be a poster girl for Leaving.
When we reunited, I was approached by groups asking me to be a poster girl for Staying.
HELL NO. I said to all the groups.
Here is what I will be the poster girl for:
Does a Love Warrior Go? YES. If that’s what her deepest wisdom tells her to do. Does a Love Warrior Stay? YES. If that’s what her deepest wisdom tells her to do. Both roads are hard. AND BOTH ROADS LEAD TO REDEMPTION.
And one more thing, my beloveds. Let’s together pledge to quit wringing our hands and rolling our eyes and throwing out sweeping judgments like these:
People just throw away marriages these days.
It’s so sad, how easily marriages are discarded.
People used to fight for their marriages.
Sigh. Another one bites the dust. Pathetic, really.
These ridiculous things are insults to every woman and every man who has fought and loved and cried and struggled and tried, tried, tried and still discovered that their love was an annual.
I have met hundreds, thousands of women whose marriages ended. Not a single one of them “threw away her marriage.” Women treasure their marriages. That divorced friend of ours treasured her marriage as much as we treasure ours. Let’s not add insult to her injury by suggesting that her marriage didn’t survive because of a lack of caring. I have held women’s hands while they cried and I listened, listened, listened and I have found that to be true this many times: ZERO. Never. We must stop throwing around judgmental daggers like those silly proclamations. There but for the grace of God go we: TRUST ME ON THAT ONE.
When a sister makes a choice—or is left without a choice—and she stays, or she goes, this is what we do: We take her by the hand and we have her back—knowing that more blood and sweat and tears went into that choice or lack of choice then we can imagine. Knowing that her reasons are likely too true and deep and low and high for words.
We do not require from her an explanation. We require from ourselves SISTERHOOD.
To answer your questions: Love Warrior is not how I saved my marriage, for God’s sake.
It’s about how I begged God for an answer to this question:
IS THERE ANYONE WHO WON’T BETRAY ME?
And how over time, God said:
YES, GLENNON. THERE IS. LOOK IN THAT MIRROR.
YOU.
YOU WON’T BETRAY YOU.
Let us become women who refuse to betray ourselves no matter WHO. DOES. WHAT.
I love you more than is appropriate or logical.
G
P.S. This part is really important to me and it will make some people angry and I don’t care.
Dearest, Precious Beloveds who cheated, the “other women”:
You are safe with me—and you are safe with us—and you are safe with this book.
The hardest, best thing I’ve ever learned in my life—the truth that this brutal time taught me is this: There IS NO forgiveness for me unless there is forgiveness for all. Grace cannot be personal if it is not universal. You cannot receive grace without disclaimers if you do not offer grace without disclaimers.
So listen to me: Maybe you got sex confused with love. I get that because I got booze confused with love for decades. And I hurt people I love, too. And I really, really need you to know that to me the world is not divided into the wives and the other women. Just not at all, anymore. I put us all into one big flailing heap of folks desperate for love—and sometimes settling for dangerous almost love. And then forgiving ourselves, and trying again—trying better, trying truer.
And to those who were cheated on—who are not yet ready to forgive: You are safe with me, too. Love is patient. Release will come when it comes and it will not come one second too early or late. Let the pain do its work. We will wait forever.
SISTER ON, MY LOVE WARRIOR ARMY. HOLD HANDS WITHOUT CHECKING TO SEE WHO’S HAND YOU’RE HOLDING AND MARCH FORWARD, TOGETHER. WE CAN DO HARD THINGS BECAUSE WE BELONG TO EACH OTHER.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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277 Comments
I am now going through a nightmare with my narcissistic alcoholic spouse. He is giving me the silent treatment as usual and I also know he’s been texting another woman. He is now saying I need to leave so he can start his new chapter in life. I have done loathing but be there for him and held hopes that he would get help for his alcoholism. Now he just treats me so badly and says the most mean horrific things to me. It hurts to know that there is another woman that he is contscting and I don’t know if he has actually seen her physically yet. He does this when he drinks every night and I have caught him multiple times before. The pain is almost unbearable. I’m sitting here now and he has been gone all day. Is he with her? I do not know. I just want this pain to stop. 12 years and I thought he really did love me but I see now that I am being discarded so he can move on with this other woman.
I am writing this comment with tears of joy. My marriage fell apart after 6 months because my mother In-law asked my husband to divorce me and marriage the woman she betroth to him as his wife. All this drama started happening in our marriage and my husband left me and our one month baby just so he could do as his mom wants him to.
I was in tears and shattered for 6 months because I could not imagine my whole life crumbling in front of me. I could not continue with work and baby responsibilities so I quit working. Things became more difficult until my best friend advised me to meet a love doctor that fixed her marriage with a RETURN LOVER SPELL that works as fast as 12 hours after casting the spell. I concord and decided to contact this spell doctor and guess what. My husband came to my mom house with his family in less than 12 hours after casting the spell. Even his mom came back asking me for forgiveness and also to reconcile with my husband who left me. They have been coming for the past 3 days and now everyone is asking me to take him back. I am so grateful for what this love spell doctor has done for me. I am thinking of accepting his apologize and move on as family just as my mom advised.
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God bless you as you find your happiness through this testimony.
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I have a concern or question or whatever, if someone can give me advice on here. My sister will be getting a divorce. She cheated on her husband (my brother-in-law), which wasn’t the first time. He loves her wholeheartedly and would do anything for her. But, unfortunately, it just isn’t going to work and they both decided on getting a divorce. She is with the other guy and staying by his house. My brother-in-law is in a big house all by himself. Both his parents died, no siblings, no children together…. he is alone. Although I am not going through the situation myself, I am very angry at my sister. I’m trying to not be mad but I feel like my sister is so self absorbed. She got what she wanted, latched onto another man and now she is happy but my brother-in-law is by himself. Can someone just please give me advice… I guess I’m having a hard time with this. I really don’t want to meet the new guy… for me, I think it is too soon to introduce to my family when divorce hasn’t even begun.
It is not so typical of me to refer professionals online but I feel like I owe a lot to cyberlaser who helped me track my cheating husband when he was having an affair, I got to find out that he has been lying to me for the past 5 months and seeing two other women. I was able to get direct access to his text messages, phone conversations and all social networks
on his phone: what was most amazing was that his recently deleted messages were retrieved by cyberlaser. If you are getting less than you deserve in your relationship and want to be sure
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Hi Nora,
Thank you for your story. I am glad you sensed something was not right in your marriage and searched for the truth. I am a single, middle-aged man. I am a man not quite as talented in attracting women as your husband I must admit. So, with that in mind, the following will not surprise you. I have never been married. I have never had the privilege of a loving wife to come home to. I have heard marriage is pretty special. So, it is hard to understand why men who have a good wives – cheat. What do these two women offer your husband that you do not?
I say, if you want to sleep with three women simultaneously, stay single. I hope your husband wakes up alone one morning, as I do every morning, and realizes there is more to life than using a woman for a frequent romp in the sack. I look forward to giving my heart to ONE wonderful woman like you one day. I look forward to making a commitment to her and staying true to her no matter what.
I think it is fine for married men to have close female friends, but those friendships should not involve romance. It is just wrong. If you decide to leave your husband, when you are ready, I hope you will give a man like myself a chance to get to know you. We are not the most handsome men. We are not the most financially secure men. We are not terribly confident, and not as experienced in bed as your husband obviously is, but we believe in honesty. We believe in love. And, most importantly, we value a woman’s heart and will not do anything to break it.
Wish me luck Nora. I am looking for a sweet girlfriend with a big heart. I have not had one in quite a while.
Ty
cuatro Esto es sólo un recordatorio de que la fecha límite para entrar en nuestros
resultados resuelven-a-Spell es de 3 días a partir de ahora de la
medianoche! Si usted ha estado pensando acerca de la presentación de estos
artículos o no ha presentado sus datos todavía, o no se ha de proveer este
elemento necesario para su trabajo, o que se haya comunicado a otro médico por
su respuesta de apoyo antes de que sea demasiado tarde, no hay tiempo como
el actual. Vamos a recoger todas las grabaciones en una especie de ”
consultor santuario ‘, así que tenlo en cuenta, escribir volveré seguro porque
amo a todos mis clientes tanto y un poco de palabra al sabio es suficiente. para
que yo pueda hacer que su deseo del corazón concedido, ningún cuerpo viene
a mi santuario en busca de ayuda, sin resultado, mis obras y el resultado habla
por mí, estoy esperando saber de usted, gracias
One of the things that rarely seems to come up in these spiritual conversations about infidelity is narcissistic personality disorder. If you have been cheated on, and your partner isn’t able to show genuine remorse, or he is able to present a flawless image to others, but something has always seemed “off” to you, I strongly recommend that you google narcissistic personality disorder. The bottom line is that this disorder usually does not get better and is very, very difficult to treat, since most narcissists do not believe that they have a problem.
Not all cheaters are narcissists. Sometimes cheating is simply an all too human mistake. But most narcissists cheat and emotionally abuse their partners. If you think you might be involved with a narcissist, please educate yourself. And formulate an exit strategy. These people are so good at manipulation, you don’t even realize it’s happening.
I agree! I had been married for 23 years. Was blindsided by his betrayal for most of the marriage after catching him. He told me all about the betrayal during the years of marriage. (Which he enjoyed telling me because it was all about him). I had no idea he was a narcissist. I helped put him up on a pedestal because I loved him so much which helped boost his ego. It is why we worked. I have been in therapy working on how this was not my fault because I blamed myself and why I never saw it. And realizing I did see the signs of betrayal along they way but ignored it because it would hurt too much. Denial is a very scary thing. I wish there were stories of this personality disorder and how to survive. I am still working on my exit strategy and he doesn’t make it easy. It almost has to be his decision for the ending for me to be able to walk away. The manipulation is an every day occurrence and also abuse but yet they do it so well. They make it look so easy. I have been on this long never ending road……..
I am there with u. I am on my third marriage, my husband was abusive, a drug addict, and alcoholic. Second husband was my divorce attorney who became my savior and who ended up being abusive to my kids, Third husband was my knight in shining armor who was a liar, pretender and had multiple affairs, one lasting seven years. This last one has broken me, I discovered the man of my dreams had been cheating on me for 10 years. He put me down to make her feel she meant more to him than I did. I also discovered the infidelity, it wasn’t a confession. It has been the hardest thing I have experienced. After discovering he had multiple addictions and at least one love child I am still here. I too ignored so many signs that now are so clear. A part of me wants to leave and another part thinks he may change. I’ve prayed, cried, died a few times…. I really connected with G when I saw a recording of Opera tonight. Will I ever be me again? I am broken; I pretend or should I say I fake it until I can make. I wonder if I will ever find someone who is true and will love ME. I don’t want to give up on love or do I continue living with someone I thought adored me only to discovered he pretended to all these years. Please respond…. I am dying.
I am there with u. I am on my third marriage, my husband was abusive, a drug addict, and alcoholic. Second husband was my divorce attorney who became my savior and who ended up being abusive to my kids, Third husband was my knight in shining armor who was a liar, pretender and had multiple affairs, one lasting seven years. This last one has broken me, I discovered the man of my dreams had been cheating on me for 10 years. He put me down to make her feel she meant more to him than I did. I also discovered the infidelity, it wasn’t a confession. It has been the hardest thing I have experienced. After discovering he had multiple addictions and at least one love child I am still here. I too ignored so many signs that now are so clear. A part of me wants to leave and another part thinks he may change. I’ve prayed, cried, died a few times…. I really connected with G when I saw a recording of Opera tonight. Will I ever be me again? I am broken; I pretend or should I say I fake it until I can make. I wonder if I will ever find someone who is true and will love ME. I don’t want to give up on love or do I continue living with someone I thought adored me only to discovered he pretended to all these years. Please respond…. I am dying.
Oh I do know how you feel. I know how it feels to be broken. How much it hurts that your heart actually aches inside your chest. 23 years I was married and he broke me. Several affairs during my marriage even with people I knew. It’s been 2 1/2 years and here I am and I am not with him anymore. I can help by telling you a few things I learned down my long road that I’m STILL traveling. First, you are going to be okay, I promise. Second, never stay with the one that broke you. Third, I was told Narcissist will never change. They have this void that never will be filled and will always keep looking and in so many words I was told to run. Fourth, find out who you are and what your needs are. You need to work on YOU to become true to yourself and listen to yourself. Take time to see a therapist, read self help books, join a group. You are not alone. And Fifth, have hope. Because you have to realize there is still someone out there that can love you back the way you deserve. You just have not found them yet. You have to have hope and faith that everything happens for a reason For everything bad that comes a long in your life, it’s to teach you lesson and to help make your way to the good. This all takes time and patience. For the people that do this to us, there is no excuse. I found out the phrases “love is blind” and “love will set you free” are so true. Also, any positive inspiration quotes can help as well. I read them everyday. You will be okay, I promise.
Please check out survivinginfidelity.com website; it will help you get through the process of infidelity. Wonderful people will give you advice and be a shoulder to lean on and cry on. They will help you to heal your soul. Hugs to you and may you find peace 🙂
Will do! Thank you
You must leave. I know it will be hell, but you must gather the pieces of yourself and the dignity that you still have and RUN. Yes, an exit plan is good, but don’t wait too long. Ask for help – friends, councillors, family – and do it. If you stay, you will never be happy and he will never change. I know what you mean when you say “it almost has to be his decision” for the relationship to end. I’ve been there – and it was his decision in a weird sort of way. Not by breaking up with me, but by hitting me in the face and the next day, saying it never happened. I almost believed him. That’s how screwed up life is with a narcissist. The man hit me and when I left his place that night with all my stuff, he said, “Don’t ever come back unless it’s to apologize.” Yikes! Everyone tells me I dodged a bullet. I know it’s true, but it still took me a long time to get over him. Please get out of there – it’s the only way you can become whole again. Have courage, my friend, and do it because you are too precious to be swallowed up in that never-ending quagmire of misery. Love yourself enough to leave…and never turn back – PLEASE!
He is gone but I have children with him which is hard. I have to learn to coexist with him. I do know what you mean about it being your fault. They are not capable of taking ownership of their actions. It’s my fault he cheated. His words. He thought I didn’t care about his needs. His words. It’s my fault he is not living here. His words It was my choice to end the marriage. His words. My fault the kids are upset and I haven’t fixed it. His words. DEFLECT DEFLECT DEFLECT. if I could run, I would have been gone a long time ago. My kids are my rock and soul. I am happy to hear that you ran. Thank you my friend for your words and sharing your story. For the longest time I felt like there was something wrong with me. But again he made me feel that away. And now I have comfort. Thank you.
ATTN!!! ATTN!!! ATTN!!!
This is to inform the general public that KENEDILLI TEMPLE is not a place for site seeing and touring around or is it a place to catch fun. If you seek fun please go to a park and get it as KENEDILLI TEMPLE is a place where a lot of spiritual activities like; WIN COURT CASES, GET CURED OF ANY KIND OF STD, GET JOB PROMOTION, GET A GOOD JOB, GET BANK LOAN, TERMINATE DIVORCE PROCESS, GET EX- WIFE/ HUSBAND BACK, GET OUT OF JAIL, GET BUSINESS LINK, WIN LOTTERIES and so on, are carried out. Here at KENEDILLI TEMPLE, we do not entertain unserious customers. As in recent times, we have been encountering a whole lot of fraudsters by mails and what they end up doing is in a way seek for help and after which they leave the process of whatever help they have sought unfinished which make the spirits so unhappy and they end up unleashing their anger on the chief priest. And in this vane, I the chief priest of KENEDILLI TEMPLE will place a curse on any customer that tries to play on the intelligence of this great temple. To our legitimate customers, the KENEDILLI TEMPLE is not on Facebook, Google+ or any of those social platforms. If you get any messages via those platforms, IT IS NOT FROM THE KENEDILLI TEMPLE. Outside your mobile numbers, our only source of communication with you is via our yahoo mail; kenedillitemples AT yahoo DOT com. You out there seeking for any kind of spiritual help, kindly contact the great temple on the above email. May the spirits guide and protect you
I’ve been married for the past 21 years (together for 22). Second marriage, as the first ended due to abandonment, and left 2 very young children as well. Love, and trust was lost after 1/5 yrs when he pointed a shot gun to my face with threats of killing me. After many years of Counseling, Pastor classes all together, I am here now waiting for separation papers and file for divorce. I fought very hard for my marriage, sacrificing my value and worth, as well as dignity for my marriage and to keep my family. However, now not only love is lost, but honesty, trust, respect, protection, defense, loyalty and responsibility. However, he doesn’t want the separation or divorce. He says God will see him through. And I’m sure God will see him through, however, I no longer have the desire the marriage. There just isn’t enough hope in it for me to fight any longer. There just isn’t anything left. All has been thrown back at me, unwanted. He has made it clear that we aren’t important to him. Yet I feel because I am wanting this, am feel my worth and value is something I need to do myself is wrong. I feel as if God won’t hear my cries and prayers, of just wanting a life of peace. I life I can make myself happy. I feel being 46, and 36 years of suffering because I didn’t believe in divorce is wrong. I got married very young, divorced due to abandonment, then remarried, and yet heading for divorce #2. Does anyone else feel that? Is that normal? I’m beginning to feel well I made my bed, now lay in it. But it has nothing for me. It suppose to be uplifting, a vow made by both, for both to upkeep. Not just me. Can someone tell me?
Hi Marilyn,
I came across Glennon’s story on MSN a few hours ago. I am 55 years old, single, no children, and I have never married. I have never been cruel or abusive to a woman in my life. I have a very hard time just finding a date, so when I read all of these stories about infidelity, I just wondered how these men find to time to sleep with more that one woman. I understand why a husband would sleep with a second woman but, if he is truly in love, why would he risk ruining his marriage?
Marilyn, I enjoyed reading your heartfelt comments about your two marriages. I absolutely have no clue as to the pain you, Glennon, and so many of her readers have gone through. I just know you all have had the wonderful opportunity to love and live life fully. That is not the case for all adults unfortunately. I guess it is better in some respects. We don’t have as much heartache to recover from. But we suffer in other ways. Ways the average attractive man and woman could never imagine. My pain is emotional too. My pain is caused by circumstances that would shock you!!! Thankfully, I have not come across anyone like me. And if I have, it never came up in a conversation. I live in a major U.S. city. I see amazing looking women my age and younger every day on the street. And I see wonderful couples of all ages being attentive to each other. That said, I live in a world of isolation, despair, and shame when it comes to love. I think about love all of the time. I do! My thoughts always start with: What is it like to love someone? I think about the number of small ways I would express love to my girlfriend daily. And I am not even talking about touching a woman. I think about that too. I would give anything to enjoy a connection with woman that involves cuddling, and making love occasionally.
I recently was in an office talking with a woman and saw her wedding day photos on the wall. It was so painful to observe her kissing her husband in that photo. I imagined the love in their hearts and the passion behind that kiss. I said to this attractive woman, “Your wedding pictures are beautiful.” She said, “Thank you, he’s a good guy!”
I want someone to talk about me in that way one day. I think it is possible. I just need to continue to stay optimistic. I believe I will meet a wonderful woman. And I will not be concerned if she has been married once, twice, or even three times. I just want to find and experience a deep love with a woman. I will take things slow and develop a friendship first.
I look forward to that first dinner date for me in years. I plan to be the kind of man that is grateful for the friendship, warmth, and companionship a woman brings to my life. I am hungry for that moment!! When everything I just described is easy for a man to come by, beginning as a teen, I believe some men do take the grace of a woman for granted too much.
If I had the chance to date a woman as wonderful looking and accomplished as Glennon, I certainly would not take her for granted for one moment. I believe in the same marital principles she represents so strongly. I believe a commitment to someone is absolutely sacred. It is not right to share your heart, soul, and body with more than one love. But what do I know? I have never fallen in love. I just know I adore women, and they all deserve the best.
I don’t have a friend in the world, or a family member to talk to. So, these thoughts I’m sharing with you today are not known and kept inside year, after year, after year.
Marilyn, you will find husband number three one day. He will be funny, warm, thoughtful, and curious about ways to be the best partner possible to you. He will live by the Godly principles you live by. Until then, seek inner peace, pray, and continue to love those closest to you with all of your heart. I spend every day and night alone, so I write about love to remind me I am alive. I’m just not living.
The purpose of my comments were to give the readers on this site a perspective from a man who does not enjoy the luxury a loving wife at home and an eager lover at his disposal. That reality is hard for me to fathom! The name and email below is fictitious. I would be too embarrassed to actually talk with any woman on this site after speaking so candidly about myself and my biggest failure life. The inability to find my first love.
All the best to you Marilyn, Glennon, and all of her readers,
Ty
Wow Ty,
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It can be hard on both sides of the love coin. Having love and then having heart break – or – just not having it at all.
Your words were beautiful and heartfelt and I am sure your presence brings joy and warmth to the people who are surrounded by.
Carry on beautiful soul!
Wy,
Thank you for the kind words. The outpouring from me earlier this month was revealing and unplanned. Every word of it was true. I genuinely have a strong affinity for women and wanted to be supportive. I have love on my mind and will do what I can to get a date. I am thankful for the life I have had regardless.
From one warm heart to another, take care!
Ty
Hi my friend, seeds of new life break through, but have to break the ground and their shells first. I love how you have a heart to encourage and judgments to not be places on what others are going through in hardship. My life has not been exempt from these hardships, but as a sister… I must also say that I caution this in a reminder of His truth to us all.. most of all myself…
“And how over time, God said:
YES, GLENNON. THERE IS. LOOK IN THAT MIRROR.
YOU.
YOU WON’T BETRAY YOU.”
We are sinful and betray ourselves with out even meaning to.. we are broken people, all of us.. me and everyone else… not one of us in whole.
“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” Jeremiah 17:9
Our very hearts of each and everyone of us are deceitful & will betray us, because of this broken way of life since the time in Eden.
“For from within the hearts of men come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery,
greed, wickedness, deceit, debauchery, envy, slander, arrogance, and foolishness.” Mark 7:21-22
I am praying right now that God be glorified through your hurt (and mine as I walk this life road and challenges in all sorts of ways too) and that as you walk this hardship you be sustained and strengthened by Him alone in a deeper understanding of Him and his goodness despite the darkness.
I want this to come across that I care for you and your heart in this, as sometimes in emails with out emotion it can be hard to read the tone of the letter.
Your sister,
Kirsten
[…]robinso.buckler @ yahoo . com: Helped to bring My Ex-Husband back with his spiritual power[…]
When my wife left me with our three year old son for a coworker, because I worked too much, I resented child support as excessive. When my son turned 15 and his lists of wants would send Warren Buffet into a frenzy, I have come to realize what a deal child support is. Now my ex wife and her husband fight each other over money and direct my son to try to manipulate me to buy, buy, buy. Ironic? isn’t it. What the wife did was divorce her son from a father who worked hard to provide to a non father who resents spending anything on someone who isn’t his kid and as a result my son will be forced to grow up self sufficient which isn’t half bad either. Ironic as well, because that’s how I grew up and why I work so hard! What is even more ironic than that? Now that I have money because I worked hard women who have left their husbands are throwing themselves at me! Everything works out in the end. Divorced women are always searching for the “fairytale” and that leaves them always seeking something better instead of blooming where they are planted.
Wow I just read this and when I started I wasn’t sure where you’d end up. You sound like you are going through the grief still but seeing the positives too. A lot of what you say i believe are generalizations. I think in time become less so like this as I used to label, categorize, but am letting go of that. Glennon’s post here is beautifully written and insightful and generous and most of all loving and kind to herself and others. Money certainly clouds the issue, and if a spouse is not on same page as you it must be doubly difficult but the only thing you can do is set forth on your own path of truth and happiness and not worry about others, only love their best parts.
Not ALL divorced women are seeking a fairytale that involves a man. I don’t seek a man to validate me or complete me. I don’t rely on a man to GIVE, nor do I expect him to provide me with a fairytale. I simply create my own. I enjoy a man’s company and time, but he doesn’t define me, or support me. I do that.
“You cannot receive grace without disclaimers if you do not offer grace without disclaimers.” This is so powerful. I am 8+ years in recovery, 4 kids, loving, supportive husband; trying, trying, trying to know myself, to know who I am apart from my labels, to love, love, love and not judge anyone anymore. Why is it my nature to pass judgement? Why does unconditional love seem just beyond my reach? So much work to do. Trying to wake up. We are all one. I found this blog because of Elizabeth’s FB post today. Thank you. No coincidences. Love and light
I can’t believe I am just now finding you! (Thank you to Elizabeth Gilbert!) I’ve already pre-ordered your book on Amazon and am anxious to read it. After finding out about my husband’s affair over a year and a half ago….making amends….renewing vows…trying to heal while keeping his secret (at his request), we are finally living apart and figuring out what is best for both of us. It’s been an incredibly painful process but it is helpful to know there are people like you who have blogs and books and offer support and hope. Thank you for being real! I can’t wait for your book to come out!
okay i understand, because when the woman visit Jonapher is just normal conversation nothing serious. My daughter if not for the spirits you know i wouldn’t have asked you for more money. Am doing this all this for your own benefit and for your happiness and to also gain all you have lost back. Once money is here i will buy the cowries and go straight to the cemetery and deposit it there, and you will start seeing changes that same day, even within three hours i promise because that spirits instant result like the speed of light.
Thanks for posting this. Personally, I’ve made a decision to stop judging people. I’ve not walked in their shoes. I don’t know how it feels like. So, who am I to judge? The Bible even says we should judge not. Like you rightly said, the best way to deal with such women, irrespective of their choice is to show them love. Be there for them. To stay or leave are both hard choices. And, a person who makes a choice does with a lot of courage. So, it’s better to respect that choice and love them, no matter what.
Hi, I just found this – I LOVE you. Thank you for this. Thank you. My word, this world is falling apart at the lack of people like you. This is God’s heart – if it were not, would any of us have been chosen? Did we deserve that? No. Forgiveness can not be individual if it is not universal. We have to see that no matter what we go through, we are all the same. Vessels of mercy. Nothing more. I don’t know if you will ever read this comment, but know it strengthened me greatly. THANK YOU.
Thanks to Prophet Abuvia because He is great. He has done so much for me. A few months ago my wife left me for another man. I was so depressed I was even admitted in hospital. Then for some reason I was searching for divorce lawyers and to my surprise I ended up on the prophet abuvia website (prophetabuviasolutiontemple.webs.com). I started reading his works and testimonies and I was so encouraged to fight for my marriage through his power and work. There were times were I lost hope,thinking of giving up but He reminds me to never lose hope. Isaiah 41:10. Today I can say my marriage has been restored. We happy and playing every day and she is happier than before. if you are having such or any kind of problem, you can also contact prophet abuvia
Kane Robert
So I just got “the news” actually I finally convinced myself to look at the phone bill after too many feelings that he was lying. We had an angry phone call and now I get to go to the dentist. I’ve been suspecting for months…and getting lied to…
my world is spinning and I’m hurt….scared….scared for my children…and beyond making a decision…
We have been together for 22 years 20 of that married so I have no friends that don’t “know” him….
Dear BS,
I feel your pain as I have a husband who shared that he feels no connection to me anymore after almost 22 years of marriage. Glennon has a post about divorce from 2014. Look that one up – Google Glennon Doyle divorce. It is a wonderful checklist about the real work of marriage and feeling the pain not covering it up. This is the point I am at right now – feeling the pain. My biggest worry is telling our daughters that the life we have together is never going to be the same. It’s heartbreaking.
C
Hello C,
My husband chose me(so far) therapy appt on Monday. Praying that we stick and can get through this…but little truth bombs keep hitting me…but he’s showing up and he’s here again.
I’m so sorry that your husband lost the connection. My BFF keeps reminding me that the NEWS was NOT about me…that choice was theirs…not mine…
be strong(hugs)
BS
Hi BS…I know this is a bit old but I wanted to reach out to you and offer you hope! My marriage was failing about 8 months ago. We were thinking of calling it quits, but then we found a marriage ministry through our church called RE:Engage. We tried it out, and kept going for about 6 months, and it has truly saved our marriage. In it we learned about communication…proper communication. We learned about how to truly work on ourselves, without trying to fix our spouse. We learned so much that we still use to this day. And now my husband and I are in leadership with that very same ministry and it is such a tremendous blessing to us. Just wanted to let you know that if you want something to DO for your marriage you might look into it. It WILL help you! Go to marriage help.org and you can see a list of the churches across the US that offer that ministry. It might be available near you! Praying for you in the meantime!
I have read through most of these comments. The first thing that strikes me is seeing how many people going through what I am going through. I thought I was alone. My husband too has had an “emotional” affair. No. He did not admit to it. Nor do I think he ever will. I found out on my own. It is a young girl he used to work with. When it started he was 52 and she was 21. That fact alone makes me sick to my stomach. Of course I found out by checking his cell phone. You all might think that was a bad thing for me to do, but I needed to know and this was the only way. I mean, when we went on a weekend get away last year, the first thing he did was text her. (I found out she just happened to be vactioning in the same place, at the same time!) The texting was constant. I finally had to threaten him that if it didn’t stop, I was going to leave and go home. The second day of our get away he invited her to meet up with us. He kept telling me that I was imagining things that anything was going on between them. So, when she showed up, she did bring a friend. But it was pretty evident, by the way my husband acted, that there was some chemistry between them. I wanted to throw up. It just so happened that my husband started a new job just two weeks after that and I thought everything would stop. I also told him that all communication between them better stop. He hesitantly agreed. About a month went by and I didn’t notice any texting, so I asked him, “are you still talking or texting that girl?”. He told me no. Over the next six months, I would ask him, from time to time, “have you talked to her?”. Always the same answer, NO. Then, one day while he was out of the room, I checked his messages. I found nothing. But, when I checked a little deeper, there it was. Text after text. So many of them!! They never stopped. I was shocked! When I confronted him about them, he still stood by his innocence. I told him it wasn’t right to have that kind of “friendship” with a girl so young. I told him it had to stop or I was leaving. He told me I was over reacting. For two days I thought about it. I started to think that maybe, just maybe, I was wrong. Then one evening he came to me and apologized. He told me he was sorry he did it and it will stop and never happen again. In the mean time, he has changed all his passwords. So, I have no idea if he has stood by his word. Should I trust him? He lied to my face several times about it before. I have asked him to give me his passwords and he refuses to. I asked him what he was hiding? And all he said was “things I don’t need to know about”. How do I respond to that?? I have asked him if he wants a divorce and he says no. That he loves me. What the hell am I supposed to do?? I don’t want to ruin our marriage over something that I may be imagining or “over reacting” to. But, I also don’t want to be a fool.
You are not a fool. Nobody expects their spouse to deceive them. You wouldn’t have married him if you didn’t trust him! It is so easy to doubt yourself and so, so hard to think about what all this means. But the truth is, he is betraying you right now. He is lying to you, minimizing your legitimate fears and hurt, and doing things that are not only inappropriate but that are breaking your marriage vows. I don’t judge you for looking at his texts, you sensed he was hiding something and he was. Changing all his passwords is a very bad sign, it means he is still hiding. And I know all of this because I’ve lived it. The bad news is, and I’m so sorry to say this, it’s probably more than emotional, you may think about how to keep yourself safe from STDs and think about what an “unexpected” pregnancy would mean. The good news is that you are looking for answers and reaching out, and that you can do hard things. There is pain ahead but you are inthe midst of it anyway; it is much better to have it all out in the light so you can decide what you want to do. You deserve to know everything and have autonomy in your life. Right now he is making decisions for you and you need to be the one making those decisions. If you can find a decent marriage counselor, please go – even on your own. Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, show it to your husband, see if you recognize yourselves. And above all, don’t think you are foolish or doing anything bad or wrong or that you are alone in this. It’s all too common, and it’s so sad. I’m so sorry, and I’ll be thinking of you, sending strength. Take care.
Tell him you need the passwords if you are going to stay because a marriage is built on trust so if he wants to stay together he needs to do things that help you to begin to trust him again. If he wants you to trust him he should not be hiding “things you don’t need to know about” from you.
Joyce,
I am a single male, 55 years old, and I have never married. You are a strong and loyal wife. I feel for you. It is emotional now, but once they bond physically, it will be difficult for him to return to you fully. Your husband is foolish to think a woman 30 years younger will be true to him for the long term. Your husband should be transparent and give you his passwords for the sake of the marriage. Trust is the ultimate foundation of a marriage. If you do determine he is no longer trustworthy, why stay if his heart is no longer filled with love for you, and you only. I would be happy to have an amazing woman like you at my side to love and cherish.
Take care.
Love Warriors,
A year ago my husband admitted to an “emotional affair” with a woman who was a close family friend (the godmother to our daughters). I had been harboring negative thoughts that they had become “more than friends” but he denied it for 6 months. Eventually, after multiple episodes of him lying to keep the nature of their relationship a secret, and then me finding out about it… he admitted that they were “as close as two people can be without being physical.” She maintains innocence of any wrongdoing, though helped him sneak around and hide things from me, and berated me for “stealing her best friend from her.” I still don’t know if I believe that it never became physical, though I suspect if it hadn’t,…it eventually would have. (especially as they had planned a week long out of town business trip together- alone- that I had to beg him to invite another coworker along. As soon as another guy signed up- she dropped her reservations for the trip.)
The problem I need help with is this- my husband still shares a cubicle with this woman and would like to continue to be work friends. He wants us to attend a work party at her house and expects me to be comfortable with him being around her in non-work settings. His argument is that it wasn’t really an affair because they didn’t have sex and he promises not to cross the line into emotional infidelity again. I really want to believe him, but after a year of lies and broken promises, I don’t know what to think.
I don’t want to lose all contact with all of our friends (which he is really very worried about) because I cant be around this woman without it triggering all sorts of hurt and pain.
Am I being ridiculous here? After all, they are co-workers and it would be pretty awkward for him to suddenly avoid all work social gatherings. I really don’t know what to do here and would appreciate any feedback from his amazing community of strong woman.
Blessings
No. You are not being ridiculous. He is. My husband too admitted an emotional affair (he called it an “inappropriately close friendship”)…and then several months later admitted that it was a yearlong sexual affair. That’s not to say that your husband has gone that far, but that your gut feelings are very right in this. And he needs to cut off all contact with her. If he is arguing that it’s no big deal, then he has not faced up to the reality of the situation. Please check out the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and read it – and have him read it if he will listen. She is compassionate to both parties, it’s not about shaming anybody. I highly, highly recommend counseling for you and him – he needs to have an “objective” person help him see reality here.
People in affairs are in deep denial and want to think it’s just fine, what they’re doing. It’s hard to face up to the fact that you’ve been awful. And I’m not slamming only him, I know in my marriage that both of us were not showing up, and that there were reasons why it went off the rails so badly. You both are human. But you deserve more than you are getting now. It will take a while for him to understand, if he ever does. It took years for mine to really get it. He even told me that he was mourning the loss of his best friend, as if I was supposed to feel bad about that! What a knife to the heart. Now he is ashamed of that and he says he realizes it was based on fantasy. He’s grown, we’ve grown. But it took a lot of work. Again, try Shirley Glass’s book, and also try dearpeggy.com – lots of good discussions there.
Believe in yourself. You are not crazy, you are not demanding too much, you are not being selfish – you are feeling the right things. Trust in yourself. It is the hardest thing to do in a situation like this, when your spouse is acting this way. But hold on.
Thank you so much for this reply! It’s amazing, he also said he was “mourning the loss of his best friend” (used those exact words). When I ask him point blank if he still wants her in his life, he says yes. Hearing that is like a punch to the stomach each time. They work together so I don’t know if cutting off all contact is even possible, and he seems more interested in repairing their friendship than repairing our marriage at times. I think it’s all about denial and that facing the reality of this situation would hurt his ego and his sense of who he is and how he views himself. We’ve started counseling which I hope will help, but I’m feeling pretty hopeless right now.
I’ll get that book you suggested, thank you for that recommendation and for “showing up” to share your story. Hearing from someone who’s been through this and made it to the “spring” of their marriage gives me hope and the courage to keep “warrioring on.”
Could I offer feedback as a man? If so, here goes…
You are not ridiculous in the least. An emotional connection is a connection all the same and yes, you should question that, and no, it is not unfounded to request that your husband does not work in close circles to the woman you describe; in fact, if it were me, I’d insist that he changes jobs. How are you to move forward if you wake up each and every morning knowing that he will be spending the majority of his in her presence? I’m not too sure I’d be comfortable with that! You have every right to question what is going on…and if you think you are paranoid, stop right there…you have been given reason to do so. I am currently going through the breakdown of my own marriage off the back of something rather similar, so I understand your fears and concerns, but please, don’t for one second that you are being unfair or irrational by setting the tone and how it ought to be. If he has wronged you, you hold the right to lay down a few “ground rules”. My prayers and thoughts are with you both. May you come to a point of understanding and reconciliation if that is what your heart desires. Over and Out.
Dr Daddy Kay
Thank you so much for the feedback. It helps to get insight from the male perspective as well.
Glennon, call it what you want, but I was led “randomly” today finding your talk at the Sigma Kappa convention on you tube. I am a Sig Kap, my daughter is a Sig Kap, but what was the biggest draw was your message and how many things resonated with me. So, tonight I delve even more and find your website with this blog excerpt about infidelity. So, three strikes and rather than “out” you are very much “in!” I started using alcohol once I had an affair about 16 years ago…I used it to hide my shame, to go out in public, to deal with the divorce. And you know enough about addiction, it doesn’t take long and it has its teeth in you. So, several car accidents, a prescription drug over dose and I am still alive and yet battling the bottle even today. Things are better, but I am still very much working on liking myself again. ..I still don’t recognize the person I was all those years ago, someone who broke her husband’s heart and tore apart a family. I obviously am still working on the forgiveness concept. Today’s coup de gras? I also “randomly” see via a FB trail that one of my friends in rehab, died several months ago….the raw, brutality that addiction kills. There is a reason this was such a random day.
I was married at 18, had 2 daughters, and divorced at 22. Married again at 23 and had my 3rd daughter at 24.
I am now 25 and cannot tell you how many times people make comments about my first marriage being a mistake.
WHOSE MISTAKE?…. MINE?! Cause it wasn’t a mistake. It wasn’t something that I fell into, or didn’t think about. Getting divorced wasn’t a mistake either.
FALLING IN LOVE WAS NOT A MISTAKE. Being in love (REAL and TRUE love) was not a mistake. Having daughters with my first love was not a mistake. It was God’s way of blessing me with the children I am supposed to have.
I needed to be heard today. Thanks, Monkees.
I hear you loud and clear! Love is never wasted.
G~
Remember me? We met at the Sharp Women’s Conference and I wept just to hug you…. You signed my Kindle. 🙂 Anyway, you said that day when I asked about your new book, something like you were awful at writing and weren’t doing well. And I said I refused to believe that… WELL. Love Warrior. I cannot wait to read every word. You have something to impart to every one of us who has a relationship with ANYONE in this world. We all rub against one another, married or “significant” or friends, we need to learn to handle one another with care. Thank you for your wisdom and I look forward to much more!
Thank you so much. I have been on all sides of this and you said just what I need to hear. Thank you.
Hi Glennon,
I am trying to work through a marriage of infidelity and dishonesty. On both sides and I plan to read your new book, whether or not we make it through the “winter”. Reading another person tell a story of why they stayed HONESTLY is so comforting to me because the amount of side eye I receive when people ask or I am sharing my life is heartbreaking.
I am tired of feeling ashamed for the choices that I am making to better my family. Either way. Thank you for saying that it is okay to stay if that is what is right for YOU.
Hi Glennon and sisters
I’m in this same position as many of you. I’m separated for 2 months. Not sure how things will resolve. My thoughts are -needing to LIVE IN THE LIGHT. The no hiding kind of light. Secrets are haunting and gross. I have 6 kids ages 19-7. I need all of us in the light. How do I balance honesty and too much information for the kids? I don’t need revenge or to hurt their dad to prove that i didn’t sink this ship. I just want some peace. Peace in my heart. Peace in their hearts. LESS ANXIETY.
How did you approach infidelity with your children?
Thanks for sharing.
I love you all.
you are amazing.
I love that you want to live in the light. SO beautiful and brave.
Marjorie, What you figured this out? I’m struggling with age appropriateness but need to say something as it’s not normal for mom to cry this much
Oh how I connect with this blog! I found out about my husband’s infidelity last year, and we also separated and then I took him back. Well, I didn’t take the old him back, the man that came home to me was new in so many ways. Broken, forgiven, redeemed, and made new. As you said in your blog, I also absolutely knew that whether I decided to stay or go, that God had so much goodness for me and there was no wrong choice. I blog about our journey too. It can be scary, to share such private and painful details of our lives. But it has also become such a big part of the healing process, and is a way to share God’s goodness with others. That last part, about forgiving the other woman… I will admit I haven’t quite figured out how to truly do that yet, as she was very much not sorry, but it is something I am trying to find a way to do. I’ve made a little progress, but I know I’m just not there yet if I’m being honest. But I want to be, and will keep working towards it. Thank you for sharing your own journey.
I am a year and a half into what has been the most difficult thing I have ever been through. It is so wonderful knowing that I am not alone. I, too, chose to stay and to forgive. We are so much better than we were before, but I still struggle everyday to put it behind me. I never thought I would be betrayed like I was. Not by him. He was the one, the only one that hadn’t hurt me in my life. The wound is healing, but I know that I need to forgive her too, I just can’t yet. It’s the one thing I know I need to do. How do I do that? How can I put it behind me?
This resonates so much with me. My husband was too “the only one that hadn’t hurt me in my life.” It gives me hope to know that the wound will eventually stop hurting so much and begin healing. I needed to read this right now.
Thank you so much for replying. I have been through so much in my life, but nothing compared to this…..I thought I would never have to deal with this type of pain. It was the worst thing I’ve ever been through. But I did. I’m working everyday to move forward. I will. I can. Im sending you a hug and lots of love.
Hello, I’m a man… got your blog as part of a book promo list, and was fascinated. My own experience with 22 years of mostly-happy marriage gives me two perspectives on this topic which seem to be missing from your post. Yes, each situation is perfect and acceptable as it is, but what is learned from it? What will change in the future? Second, I do think that the “death do us part” aspect of traditional marriage is probelmatic. Too often, people divorce simply one of both of them changes in ways that neither could have anticipated… enough so that the strain of staying together is too great. My wife and I have changed on each other a great deal, but not enough, we’ve decided, to divorce.
I’m getting divorced tomorrow… because I was the other woman. I’m not sure what lead me to this tonight, as I was just sending one last email to my lawyer. But here I am, and I’m crying tears of peace. Thank you for this post.
I’m sending you my love and hugs right now.
From a woman whose husband has been with the other woman, I want you to hear that Jesus loves you. He loves you so much. You are forgiven and you are deeply loved. Jesus fights for you, he runs after you, he will not stop pursuing you…YOU! Just wanted you to hear that today.
Melissa, I was too.
I love this post, but I’m struggling with the last part of it. Almost a month ago I caught my husband having an ongoing affair with one of my best friends. It was and still is shocking, devastating, heart breaking. I’m angry, depressed, confused, feel empty and lonely. She knew everything about our relationship from the personal things we talked about, and used it to her advantage to fill his voids. We have 3 1/2 year old and 10 month old boys. We are now separating and he continues to see and talk to her. She has no remorse. How am I supposed to forgive in this situation? I can’t call her a sister. I feel betrayed on so many levels that I don’t know how I am ever supposed to love and trust again.
Katie, I’m so so sorry. You do not have to forgive right now. You never HAVE to forgive. There are some good discussions of acceptance vs. forgiveness around, and many people say that forgiveness is ultimately for the person who forgives, not for the one who betrayed and hurt. But one month in, honestly, the last thing you need to worry about is forgiveness. That’s, like, a few years from now as you are moving along on your own path and you’re ready to let go for YOURSELF. Right now you are in the thick of it, and what you need to worry about is yourself and your children. You don’t need to rise above it all, you just survive the best you can. No, she is not your sister, she does not deserve that right now. She may never.
But we are your sisters, even though you don’t know us and we can’t talk to you on the phone. I’m telling you right now I will be thinking of you tonight, I know that loneliness, I know that ache, I know the disbelief, the utter horror of it. I know and I’ve been there and I’m still alive. Many of us here have been through it and we found some kind of grace out of the pain. Are we glad we went through the pain, would we wish that for our children? Never. But the pain is part of the story of life and it exists for so many of us, and you will get through as we did, somehow. But it is so, so hard, and I’m so sorry that anyone has to go through this pain, I’m sorry you are going through it.
If you can find a counselor to help you through, I recommend doing so. Not even to save the marriage, just for your own sanity, just to have someone who can really listen to you. And if you need to post here, post here and you’ll get some love from us.
Hold on. I’m sending you love and I hope you feel it.
Oh my gosh. The tears right now. Thank you so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much they mean to me. I love this community. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hello Katie!
Exactly what Jenny said! Well said and so true! It is your time to grieve, fight on and take care of your children! They are so lucky to have such a special and tough mom like you!!!
I am praying for you!
Katie,
I’ve also been able to find some comfort from the sisters in this community. As they have said, right now is a time for you and your boys to heal. Tears and love to you and your sons!
Katie
You don’t have to forgive right now. It may not be time. Let yourself feel every emotion. Cry so hard you cant breathe, be so mad you cant see straight, and just feel low for a moment. It’s ok…you have to. You have been betrayed by the two people you should trust the most. Then, one day, you will decide that it’s time to live again. I know the pain. The anguish is unspeakable.
I was married to my high school “sweetheart” from 21 years old until he decided he wanted someone else when we were 28. Oh the excruciating pain! We had been inseparable since we were 14 and here we were; separated. He had an affair with a lady at his office when our daughter was 6 months old. After a few weeks he ended it and came clean. He begged for another chance to be the “husband God designed him to be”. I was more than willing because I DID NOT want to be divorced…gasp! However, since I never truly forgave him and constantly demanded to know every detail of his affair, our relationship continued to be less and less intimate. Counseling just didn’t work for us. He ended up having a second affair about a year later. This time she was the “love of his life” and he wanted her. I was devastated. Listen, it took months of soul searching, crying, yelling at God (not recommended), and calling on my family and friends to get me through that very dark time. I leaned on Jeremiah 29:11 and was faithful that God had a better plan for me. I fought for my marriage but Satan helped my husband and his mistress unravel it.
Then, one day I woke up feeling fresh and renewed. I started journaling more and more and found myself praying for others more than I prayed for myself. God led me to directly to the path He had marked out. I met a man at church with a very similar story to mine and he had a daughter the same age as mine. We found out many connections that were way too close to be a mere coincidence! We met in a crowd of over 2-thousand people and our grandparents grew up together over 100 miles from the city where we met. (That’s just one of the many connections I’m referring to.) Anyway, as my ex made plans to marry marry his new love, I was building a new relationship full of wonder and truth. We have now been married for 7 years and have a son together. God allowed my first marriage to be dismantled, I believe, so he could build something even better. Of course we have our challenges (as any marriage does) but I know that God led me to this great man and this amazing life.
My ex-husband is a great father to our daughter and his wife is a wonderful step-mom. I have always included them in anything to do with our daughter because that’s what’s best for her. She thrives, she’s magnificent, and is very well adjusted. That’s all that really matters to me. My ex-husband did ask me for forgiveness early on after the divorce and I told him I had already done that. I really had…finally! I also asked him to forgive me…his jaw hit the floor. I told him that I know I had not been the wife he really needed and had never really striven to meet his needs. (That does not excuse infidelity, but it holds some value for sure.) One day, about a year ago, his wife dropped our daughter off and she looked me in the eye and told me that she had been struggling with guilt. She said she was so sorry for her part in dissolving my marriage and that she was remorseful for what she had done. She also asked me to forgive her. I gave her a big hug and told her I already did, it’s in the past, and thank you for acknowledging my pain. The funny thing is, I never needed to hear that from her. I had already become content with my brutiful path.
Katie, sweet sister, you will get there too. Even if the two of them never ask you to forgive them. It feels sickening to know they still talk and see each other, I know. But eventually you will feel new and they will feel used up. Give yourself time. Be gentle with YOU. It’s ok, you will rest at some point. Promise!
This story is amazing and touches me on so many levels. I know it’s all very new and fresh but I am struggling to see how we could ever get past it, without me wanting to constantly question and not be able to fully trust him ever again like you said. He has explained to me that I hadn’t been meeting some of his needs (again, not that it excuses his behavior) and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to meet those needs. As great of a father as he is and as much as I don’t want this, I really worry about it happening again. Their relationship was (is?) more than just physical – they’re claiming love as well.
I really appreciate you sharing what happened afterwards with God leading you to something else. It’s so hard to envision that for myself right now. I took vows, thought I found the man I was going to spend my life with. It feels impossible to imagine going through the rest of my life alone, but it also feels strange to think about finding someone else. What a beautiful story of hope and redemption. You are so strong! Thank you, thank you, thank you! <3
Katie, I spent 6 years after my ex-husband’s first affair trying to hold it together for those same reasons – I had taken vows, I couldn’t imagine being alone, I couldn’t imagine ever marrying again. He gave excuses about unmet needs, and I tried desperately to meet them all, exhausting myself and blaming myself. While I had not known the other women, his seventh and last affair was with a close friend from church, and even after that, it took two years for me to leave. Finally, I read a novel, one that had nothing to do with infidelity. It was just a novel about love, written by a man, about a man who deeply loved his wife who had a heart condition from the time they met as children. It tore apart everything my ex had told me – about love, sex, myself, my worth, my beauty, his needs, etc. I wept over the pages as I read about a man who loved and cared for an invalid, not for her body, sex, or what she could do for him, but just because he loved her. After all he had told me for so many years, it sounded impossible to me, but it strengthened my resolve that I couldn’t continue to cry myself to sleep at night. Taking my 3 year old and moving out was so hard, but God had something better down the road. Sometimes you need to stay, sometimes you need to go. But please, whatever you choose, don’t blame yourself.
I don’t know you but I pray for you. Pain is the touchstone of growth. Grow like the most beautiful flower (and eat yummy food and take care of youself). The healing and answers will come. OX
Thank you so much. I am feeling the prayers. Taking it day by day (with some yummy food and pampering for sure!).
Katie,
I hear you. All I can say is that it is going to take a long time. Give yourself time and space and work towards getting there because loving and trusting again is worth it.
This is so much like the situation I have found myself in. Two young kids, husband strays with close friend and still wants to see and talk to her. He “just wants things back to normal, the way they were before.” She has no remorse. I hope you are able to find a way to move forward with peace and love- if you figure it out, let me know how you did it!
Hi Katie,
I know it’s been a few months since you posted this, but I just stumbled upon Glennon’s site after going through a couple months of self-discovery and healing.
I have a similar experience to yours. A couple months ago I caught my husband and my best friend having an affair. At first, I thought it was only emotional, they did not admit otherwise. He only admitted it was physical when I had thought about killing myself, and we were waiting in the “mental hospital” together. My husband has always been loving and really supportive, and always portrayed himself to be the most faithful person, looking down on “cheaters”. We had a happy relationship, not without it’s problems here and there, but otherwise quite happy. I did suspect something after I noticed all of the attention he was giving her. I had even told both of them that I felt like all the love I was giving to him was going to her instead. They denied. She knew about everything I was feeling, how their relationship made me uncomfortable at times, and I had never opened up to anyone like I did to her. When I found it, it hurt so much. I’ve never felt pain like that before. To be betrayed by two people you trust so much, and on top of that I thought we were all being so honest and vulnerable with each other.
Now, two months later, after a few marriage counselling sessions, individual sessions, and a lot of Esther Perel, I feel much better, but still deal with the pain every day. My husband and I have a better and stronger relationship than every before, I am grateful for that. I’ve spent the last couple of months getting back to my true self, rebuilding my self-worth-respect-love, and feeling more authentic then ever.
I’m grateful that my husband has done everything in his power to make this better, he cut off all contact with her almost immediatelyl, answered all of my detective and investigative questions; stood by while I cried, got angry, and provided everything he could possibly provide to repair the damage he caused. She on the other hand, hasn’t shown much remorse, siting that she never regrets anything, and has not used this experience or her past divorce as a lesson in making changes to have a happy life and to make better decisions. It’s been difficult for me to forgive her and this is what I struggle with the most. I’ve been able to forgive my husband and start trusting him again, but I can’t seem to find a way to not be angry with her or to forgive her. Even if I do forgive her, I don’t ever plan to be friends with her again. The motives and meaning behind each their betrayals are so different. His I understand (although we both know it doesn’t justify his actions), hers I do not. Do you have any thoughts on this?
What I keep telling myself is that she wasn’t plotting against me, initially. At some point she did care about me and love me. That maybe her desperation for validation and love was so skewed that she, as Glennon says above, chose a “dangerous almost love”. Sometimes I think, I’m more angry that she is making the same mistakes over and over again, not learning, and that is more frustrating than anything.
Have you been able to heal? Any insight would be great?
I’m curious how you got the guts to tell the truth, since it’s not really “your” truth. I struggle with this with a mentally ill husband who has treated me abominably (we are separated) but who looks like the perfect Christian and I’m the unsubmitting wife. However, I feel like his truth (being mentally ill — which comes out as narcissism) is not my truth to tell, so I really honor that you and your husband are in this together. I believe it shows REAL love when you understand that we are all capable of this kind of sin given the right circumstances.
Was skeptical when I first came to your site but after discovering your brutiful way of writing and serving the Living Word I fervently read all your posts in the past few days.
The best compliment I can give anyone is thank you for being SINCERE. There is not enough sincerity in the world, and you have started a Sincerity Revolution.
For those of us who love Jesus Christ as much as you do, we can imagine him giving you a big thumbs up for finally representing him the way he intended– feeding the poor, loving the unloved, and making daily life holy.
Carry on, you beautiful Prophetess, you.
I truly hope that love does always win. Thank you for this post.
My own marriage has had it’s… We’ve fought for it. But this post speaks so directly to the part of my heart that is still my parent’s kid. Their marriage ended in divorce and included infidelity and the fact that I love them all – the dad, the mom, the extra person – so much now is truly a miracle. I know it is VERY different from walking through it directly, but I just can’t even say how much I love this post. Thank you so much for writing it and for not laying out on the table how shitty and wonderful these things are, how there is grace and redemption and whole-ness on all sides and for everyone. I need to get your book! 🙂
Oops! I didn’t mean to say “not laying out on the table” haha Hopefully that was clear… :-$
Love it! Thanks for sharing. However, wouldn’t you agree that the one who never fails us is really God in His unfailing love–not yourself? Perhaps I misunderstand where your going with that?
I think it’s both.
Glennon, It has been a pleasure following you and this page. It speaks to so many women walking the same path. Thanks for speaking truth to pain. Who wants to be divorced, really? No little girl dreams of getting married only to be unmarried. No one that I know holds that as a goal, but sometimes it is the only possible answer in a bucket full of bad answers. It wasn’t in the plans but letting that go to find joy wrapped in a different package can be profoundly joyful. It is my personal story and I am working, like you, to share it along with the hope that tags along behind.
So true! It’s odd, your words made me think of abortion too – nobody wants one, but sometimes it’s the least-bad option.
I’ve been a silent reader and follower for some time now, I can’t wait to read this book. Thanks for your courage and vulnerability to share honest stories. I’m sure it wasn’t easy with your husband, kids, family, etc. I hope to gain the same kind of courage one day. Thanks for inspiring other moms and writers like myself.
Hello Glennon. Thank you for sharing what you share, especially when it’s really, really hard. My comment will seem light next to some of the more thoughtful responses, yet I’ve had this silly thing kicking around my brain this week: I’m late to the game but have finally discovered ‘Hamilton – An American Musical’. As I’ve listened to it over and over it’s occurred to me that if you’ve not heard it, I hope you will soon. It’s about Sisters sistering, hope, satisfaction, betrayal, forgiveness, and people doing really REALLY hard things. I cannot listen to it without getting a little weepy. I hope if you hear it you enjoy it. Regardless, I appreciate what you do and write and share and give. <3
Dearest Neighbor G,
Thank you for this post. Thank you for your courage to heal. Thank you for your courage to share. Thank you for your courage to make up your own mind about whether you’ll stay or go.
I, too, chose to stay in a marriage following infidelity. For many reasons. Too many people do get confused about that and too many have accused me of being the downfall of women. “What if it happens again,” is one of those nasty comments someone left on a post I wrote for an online magazine. My response to that is that this sort of comment, “dagger” as you call it, undermines these simple facts: 1) We all make mistakes 2) We have the ABILITY to change our behaviors 3) We CAN CHOOSE to change our behavior.
Some of us will stay and some of us will go, but as you point out, both of these decisions is HARD. They are also worth the effort we put into figuring out what will work for ourselves.
Thanks, again, G.
Your neighbor in hope, healing, and happiness,
~AE <3
I sit with tears running down my face as I read this post. Almost three years since The News and a year post divorce.
My garden was an annual. After 21 years. Not by my choice. I cultivated this garden with my heart, soul and dreams.
I have 2 amazing daughters and this love was amazing for the time it lasted..
Will my garden have new life? Well, it does already! Thanks in part to this amazing community I stumbled upon when I thought I truly would crawl under the covers and never come out.
I have learned to love and be kind to myself. and…..I can do hard things! AND…..love DOES win, each and every time!
I am still profoundly sad at times but those times are becoming spaced in frequency and duration and that is wonderful.
I also embrace: I will not betray me! Thank you Glennon!!!!
Will my garden bring new life and love? I believe it is! Will it grow and be in the form of another partner? Who knows? I really can’t imagine that possibility. What I do know is Love Always Wins! In my darkest times, Love Always Wins!
Hi Kris.
I have a son whose doing thru a divorce and he’s having a very hard time moving forward. You mentions “an amazing community” you stumbled upon. Do you mind my asking what community? I’m just looking for some way to help my son.
Keep strong and keep moving forwary..
Thanks in part to this amazing community I stumbled upon when I thought I truly would crawl under the covers and never come out.
Hi A Mom!
I believe Kris was talking about the Monkees at Momastry. Send your son to us and we will shower him with our love and support.
I too have a garden that has gone through some pruning…. It will be 2 years in June That the clouds closed in and just over a year that he called it quits…. I have 4 awesome kids my eldest is about to embark on his own garden soon and I find myself at a loss for words of wisdom for him…. I want to say there’s a formula for success to this horticultural life as I had 22 incredible of growth and fruitfulness …well so I perceived…. But there was a rot in the roots that I thought had been dealt too but it began to infect the whole tree…. We were childhood sweethearts, raised in the church… Did everything by the book…. And yet I sit here among the fallen leaves ….. praying for spring to come and bless me with that breath-taking morning sun… To breathe on me new hope of a new day. A hope that my children will take heed and tend daily to there patches…pulling out the root and weeds before they take hold….. I know that the sun will rise for me soon, I also know that in the winter new growth is building strength in preparation…. I know…..My time will come one day to dance in my garden ….. Thank you for sharing…. as much as it pains me to know others are in the same place, it makes me feel less alone….
This ist smart post 🙂
Dear Sisters, I have been (at various moments in my life) on every side of this kind of painful situation – though no marriages were involved, only relationships – and always because of love…
yet all of these sides hurt deeply, because I was loving the other person more than I loved myself.
Every time, what saved me was being true to my soul. And every time, I had to learn this all over again.
So yes, I know God is whispering inside us tenderly, all the time, hoping we can hear this loving voice. The one that says: you are enough… you are loved unconditionally. The whole universe is alive inside you.
Trust me on that one.
Much love to you all xo
Oh how I wish I couldn’t related to this. Sadly, we are living it as we speak. Thank you for your words, that’s all I can say right now, just thanks you!
So beautiful.
I have been married 21 yrs ñ have 2 kids. My husband was unfaithful one time that I know of about 15 yrs ago. We are still together and he has changed a lot for the best but I still have a hard time with it and think we should have councilling. I’m not truly happy
I have never been married. I have never given birth, though I adopted 2 daughters. I have never suffered through infidelity. But I have also never had an addiction to alcohol or drugs, never jumped from an airplane, never served in the military, never invented a new computer system, never lived in a little house on the prairie, never run for public office. However, I have read about those who have done these things, and in reading their stories I have heard what they went through. And I have learned something from each story, whether new facts or new opinions or comparisons with what I have experienced.
And I have learned an awful lot from Glennon’s postings (they are almost like sermons to me, and the Monkee family is my church) and I look forward to reading her new book. Even though I haven’t had the same experience, I am certain that I’ll learn and grow from reading her thoughts. I applaud her for sharing her story, and applaud those who’ve shared their stories in the comment section. We sisters can certainly share our commonality as well as our diversity.
Glennon, Thank you so much for being you! I can’t wait for Love Warrior to come out. As soon as I read the excerpts I realized you were a true “Sister Warrior”.
I emailed a link to this post a few days ago to the woman that had an affair with my husband. I really, really want to forgive – I have forgiven, and then I’ve felt like a weakling for forgiving, I’ve felt that they saw me as a doormat for forgiving…her husband doesn’t know, I’ve wondered why he is somehow scarier to them than I am, is there something wrong with me? But again and again, I’m drawn to forgiveness. And as has been said before, it is a process, it’s not something that happens once and then it’s done. I’m no saint, I’m not even religious. I just want peace. And I admit I want something back. I want acknowledgment, I want atonement, I want them to understand my pain and struggles and I want my journey to be meaningful. I’ve had apologies. They no longer are in touch with each other, though that took a while. She has told me that he always loved me, and he told me she never wanted to break up our marriage. They told themselves they were just doing what they needed to do to be happy, and they pushed aside any thoughts of damage that they were doing. And sometimes that damage is admitted, sometimes it is denied. But I’m still married, my children still have a father, and her family is intact and growing. As far as I know, she’ll take the secret to her grave. It’s not my business what happens to her family, though I wish she would take responsibility for her decisions and let her husband make his own decisions based on the truth, not on lies she’s let him believe. I still struggle in my marriage, and I still don’t trust my husband. I hope to someday, but I know I will never trust him completely. I’ve lost respect for him and sometimes I’m not completely sure of who he is. But I also love him, and I know he is trying to be a good husband to me and that he loves me. I try to see them as just people who wanted love and screwed up trying to get it. It’s not easy, but I think it’s true. I also wish they could see me for who I am, and that I never wanted to be this person, the ‘betrayed wife’. I never saw myself as being that. My identity was changed for me, I didn’t get a say in it. I wish they would understand how this forever changed my life, that it’s part of me now. I sometimes feel they think it was so long ago (ended almost 4 years ago), and we’re miles past it – but they always were in the know, they always had the information. I have a two-year gap in my life. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anybody except perhaps people who have perpetrated it, and only then so they could finally empathize.
This is our family secret. Everybody thinks my husband is a saintly, perfect husband and father. They would be shocked to hear this. I have had to bear it myself, in secret. It is a huge burden. I envy Glennon just a little for being able to live this authentically. That’s not to say she hasn’t had it hard, I know she has! But I really long for a community, a group of women and men who’ve gone through this, so we can just be there for each other.
Oh Jenny, how I know your pain and struggles. I have and still live almost exactly what you are going through. My husband and I have been married almost 28 years but for 11 years of it, he was unfaithful, multiple times, with multiple women. He has been sober and faithful for 2 1/2 years now, but each day is a work on my faith. I don’t trust him “as much” as I used to, but I’m getting there. We work daily on our marriage and he tries each day to show and tell me he loves me. I know it will take time, and we can’t put a time limit on it. Sometimes I see his frustration because I’m no “over it”. Well guess what? To dang bad! He doesn’t get to tell me when I’m better… considering, he didn’t give me a choice in the matter to begin with! So with that said, I commend you on the strength you had to send the “other woman” this link. Hopefully, this community of Sisters can be there for you…
Thank you, ELF! You are indeed strong, and you are so right – you have every right to process this the way that you need to. You didn’t ask for this burden, and now you are shouldering it the best that you can. Thank you for your response and the reminder that sisterhood can be found in many places. Take care.
Jenny,
I feel your pain. I discovered a few months ago that my husband is a sex addict and has had multiple affairs. While I was home caring for our family each and every day for six years, he was acting out. We were college sweethearts, married for 20 years now. The pain that I have felt is so deep, so raw and so very hard. We are both in counseling and he has began work with his SA group. He wants to get better and he wants so badly for his family to stay together. It isn’t easy, and at times I scream and shout “why me Lord”! My encouragement for you is that you find some friends that you can reach out to. I don’t know what I would have done if it wasn’t for my friends. Some friends are so angry at him, yet others see his sickness and is praying for healing and restoration. I love both kinds! I need both kinds. There are times I want my friends to be mad at him and scream and yell with me and then there are times when I need encouragement from those friends who are cheering for us too. I will be praying for you…we don’t have to be secret-we need to be free!!
Hi Momofboys – My husband is a SA too. He also wants to stay together, but I have found it impossible to forgive him for all that he has done and stolen away from me. I do not love him anymore and I cannot see how I could ever be attracted to him again after knowing all that he has done. How are you making it through? Do you plan to stay and, if so, how are you reconciling his actions and loving him? I’ve read there is less than a 5% chance of SAs to ever be in full remission for life, so it has given me little hope.
Me, too. And no one wants to talk about it. It’s like I’m 12 years old all over again and no one would talk to me to make sure I was okay when my dad left.
I will listen, Lindsey.
Thank you, Jenny. Your words are so, so healing to me. I’ve journeyed a similar path and your words that leapt off the page to me were: “My identity was changed for me, I didn’t get a say in it. I wish they would understand how this forever changed my life, that it’s part of me now. I sometimes feel they think it was so long ago (ended almost 4 years ago), and we’re miles past it – but they always were in the know, they always had the information. I have a two-year gap in my life.”
As a quote I found on Pinterest says: “The ax forgets, the tree remembers.” Those of us who were betrayed and harmed will never have the satisfaction that the perpetrators truly get the damage they wrought. Perhaps Glennon will enable us to start sub-groups via this site to bear witness to the process. In the interim, I see you, Jenny. I honor your pain and I completely hold your experience as sacred and valid. I’m sorry you had to experience this. You didn’t deserve it. Neither did I. Hopefully one day we will be able to think about this time without a feeling of PTSD.
I wonder how many of the “other women” have the courage to say “I’m sorry” to the women whose marriages they harmed. Ultimately it is the man’s responsibility and clearly the husbands who come clean own up and apologize for their transgressions. But I think any woman who knowingly sleeps with a married man owes these healing two words to the wife. I never was given this gift but I’ve thought how much it would help me to know that the woman who made herself available in a dark hour for my husband was truly repentant for the wound it caused.
Amen.
I feel the exact same way.
He cheated on me, couldn’t stop, she refused to stop when I asked her to. I had a 3 month old when the affair started and he turned 2 just prior to the divorce being final.
I fought. I begged. I cried…and I left.
Alisa, that is me–but 10 years later. He left me while I was 8 months pregnant–now my beautiful daughter is 10. I thank God every day for this detour in my life because I am now with someone who honors me and for the first time in my life I honor myself. Prayers, hugs, and strength go to you my dear sister!
Quinn, reading what you wrote meant so much. If my experience can help you, then there is meaning in it. I can tell you’ve worked hard and traveled deep as well. I feel like this changes so much, just being able to talk about it and to understand each other on this level.
I do feel lucky, in an odd way, that I have been able to talk to the ‘other woman’, and that she’s been humble with me. I really was vulnerable with her and she didn’t use that against me. I haven’t used her secrets against her, either, and I try to remember that she’s got her own pain. Sometimes that doesn’t seem like enough against my own, which feels so monumental, but then again, I really can’t know. And actually, talking with you and reading what others are writing her help me to realize that it doesn’t really matter. This matters. I’m so glad that I could help you in some way, and thank you for responding.
I was the “other woman” and myself also married. I thought I was in love. It was “dangerous almost-love.” We BOTH made ourselves available in dark hours. It was never with ill intent, just stupid and selfish. When D-Day hit (which was about 6 months after the affair had ended), I finally got to send the apology letter I had already written and meant every word of it. She requested the day she found out that I meet with her, which I did, and answered anything she wanted to know. I’m grateful she gave me that opportunity and I hope it helped her get some answers as well. I hope one day she can forgive me.
As for my own marriage, we needed this earthquake to hit in order to move forward. I was lonely and unhappy (not an excuse for what I did), and now we can finally try to heal and reconcile. The secret was eating me alive and I could not in good conscience continue to try to fake improving our marriage knowing all I knew.
I’ll admit I’m scared to come back and read comments after leaving this one, but it’s my truth and I’m owning it.
Jill, you sound like a thoughtful and decent person. Coming from the other side, what I wanted most from the ‘other woman’ was acknowledgment of my existence and of my pain. I wanted her to really understand that I wasn’t an abstraction, that I had my own life and that I mattered. I wish she had been as forthcoming as you were, and I wish she had told her husband as you did. That would really mean a lot to me – doing the the work and facing up to everything instead of continuing to hide and minimize it all. I know she is very scared. What you did takes courage, and I really respect that. Thanks for being brave and writing.
It helps to hear it, but it does not heal you completely. At least that has been my experience. And now with Glennon’s new post today revealing that she is in fact separating from Craig, I am fascinated all over again by the whole journey. I am 14 months out since my husband’s affair with the neighbor and friend was revealed, and I still don’t know what I will do. The email apology came a month ago. Part of me thinks it’s just for herself and her healing. And I will not forgive her. I hear Glennon’s words here and others as well, and I know in just not there. She had a hand in permanent damage to my family and hers. No forgiveness.
I’m where you are.
“Perfect,” fun, romantic, thoughtful husband, beautiful family; friends always commenting on how we are the “perfect” couple (I kinda hate that “p” word sometimes). We stayed together, and since I wanted that from the beginning, no one has ever known. It’s lonely sometimes. Our marriage is better on so many levels than it was before…, but I also struggle with the fact that I am not the same person that I was before…(insecure, jealous, over-sensitive, emotional–who AM I?!?). It’s confusing territory we’re in here.
I admire your generous spirit and am thankful for your example of forgiveness. You are not alone.
Very confusing territory. Yet it’s not feeling quite so lonely as I read your words and others’ here. There is meaning in our struggles. Here we all are, strangers reaching out to each other, how would we ever have done that without these experiences? I am with you. Thanks for responding.
Oh how I’m on the same page as you. It’s so damn painful
While you were very kind to compliment Glennon’s authenticity, I just wanted to say how amazing you are for writing such a heartfelt, eloquent post regarding what has rightfully been a painful journey for you. If you ever want your husband to understand, or at least offer him a glimpse of who you are/who you’ve become, as you said – through no choice of your own, I think you only have to show him the words you wrote above. While I cannot relate to your situation, my heart still goes out to you for healing. I can only imagine how many women are currently being inspired through your words. Best wishes from Georgia. (I never comment on posts – nor have I heard of Glennon until my friend shared this link on her FB page this evening but I felt the need to let you know someone is listening/reading)
Thank you, Wendy. It means a lot, more than you realize!
Hi Jenny,
I’m really glad that you feel that those of us who come here to this community are a ‘safe space’ for you to share your experience and struggle with. Thank you for trusting us. I really, really hope that you find one or two people who are able to hear you and hold you, even if your family’s story is not one that is ever truly public (and there can be good reasons both for going public, and also for keeping things private…not a cut and dried decision).
My hubby is a public person, and I find the strain of protecting his privacy to be quite hard too…many people who know him have quite a lop-sided understanding of who he is, how he thinks, his sense of self…all of that. We’re all both beautiful and broken, and yet our society is so good at either idolising (excuse the Australian spelling) or trashing people, rather than acknowledging our depth and complexity.
If you need to keep telling your story here, even if it’s not really ‘on topic’ with a certain day’s blog post by Glennon, we’ll keep listening to you and supporting you. We care.
Bindy, thank you. I can tell you that since I’ve posted and gotten such supportive responses from people who’ve lived it, people who are still hurting, people who haven’t gone through it but empathized…a huge weight has lifted. I know there are others who, like you and me, are working through this quietly and somehow have come through with more capacity to love and to empathize. I can truly believe (and not just suspect that I’m a doormat telling myself these things) that there is meaning to this journey, the pain, the loneliness, the struggle. The secrecy is hard enough for someone ‘anonymous’; I can’t imagine having the extra burden of knowing that if people knew about this then it would be in the papers! You are strong, and I thank you for sharing that strength with me.
I get this so much — they were always in the know. And the gap, the missing years or months or days. That also to me is the most difficult. Wanting acknowledgement and understanding where this is concerned.
Know you aren’t alone. Many of us understand how difficult this is. The forgiveness. The moving on.
This is my story exactly!!! Except for the fact that I have not arrived yet at the forgiveness of the other woman part yet. I don’t know if she knows I’m aware of her. I have resisted my strong urge to tell her husband, to spam her email, to invite her to experience a fraction of the pain I still feel. My urge to try to seek revenge is strong, but I am stronger. Praying for all of us.
I still work on forgiveness for the other woman. Sometimes I just hate everything about her. I often regret that I didn’t tell her husband when I could have, but then I think of the amount of pain I’ve been through; why would I wish that upon him? Exacting revenge on her would send an innocent man into the depths that we’re in, and possibly cause two children to lose their home. I sometimes (often!) want her to feel the pain I’ve had, but it’s really he and the children who would suffer. It’s not my place to do that to him – and in saying that, I’m not saying that she is innocent! She and my husband were the ones who hurt all of us. But for me to tell him out of a sense of revenge would be an act of aggression against him, ultimately. Of course if the affair was still going on, if the STD tests had come back positive…sigh…then, yes. And there were times when I found out they were still talking (they worked in the same office) and I wanted to tell him just so I’d have an ally. But it’s fraught, and you just don’t know what that other person will do. The damage has already been done, by his wife, so let that be.
I do feel the suffering in knowing that she will never feel the pain that you feel. The other woman in my case has apologized, expressed remorse, even told me she dreamed about it. But she’s too cowardly to tell her husband, and I think it’s a lot easier to move along in life without facing the pain that you caused someone you care about. She knows I think that. But she makes her own choices, and at this point, her choices don’t affect my family, and I suppose that is what is important now. I do read that forgiveness helps the forgiver, and the other woman never has to know that you forgive her, she’s irrelevant to the process! The point is to help yourself. But there should be no pressure, and I do feel there is a lot of pressure to ‘forgive and forget’. That is impossible.
Just know that so many of us are struggling, and we’re working on forgiveness, and all we can do is trust that it’s made us go deeper, reach out more, empathize more. I keep coming back to this page because I get something from the comments every time, and I feel that helping others in my situation is one of the only things that brings meaning to this terrible pain.
Jenny,
Your words and your story resonated with me so much that I began to cry. I am one month out from my husband of four years confessing that “in a weak moment” he’d kissed a female coworker he’d said was “just a friend.” He’d promised that it was nothing and that it was over. But just a couple days ago, I discovered text messages and emails going back three months and (being a glutton for punishment) had the great pleasure of reading their private conversations (telling their deepest secrets, baring their souls, and sharing sexual fantasies). They’d even kept communicating after he confessed to me and told her he wasn’t leaving his marriage, and I caught him in several related lies. I cannot put into words the pain that I feel.
I am in counseling, and we are working on obtaining a marriage counselor. We both think we want to work it out. But how can I ever trust him again? Respect him again? Get over the hurtful things I read in their messages? Our marriage wasn’t perfect. I am not perfect—as a person or as a wife. We’ve been disconnected from each other for a while, but I was under the impression that we were working on things (even though we weren’t in counseling). But no, he was having an emotional affair.
Your statements about wanting acknowledgement, atonement, and understanding of your struggles and pain hit home. So did your statements about your identity being changed without your permission. At the moment, I hate the other woman. I hate her because she went after (I’ve seen the messages and the progression from her initial flirtatious texts to her graphic sexual statements) a married man. I hope that, for my sake, I can someday forgive her and find peace. I also hope that I can someday forgive my husband. I certainly don’t put all the blame on her, but I want her to acknowledge that I am a real person, a valuable person, who has friends and family and who is loved and respected; I am not just “the wife” (and whatever image my husband painted of me to justify the affair for myself).
Despite it all, I still love him. I see his pain. He says he wants to work it out and that he’s willing to do whatever it takes. And once I can look beyond all the initial pain, hurt, and betrayal, I am so angry that I now have to go through a period of redefining myself. I didn’t choose to have this as part of my identity, my story.
I am grateful for my supportive friends (the very few who know). None of our family knows, and I think it’s better to keep it that way for the sake of moving forward. But other than that, I feel very much alone. I, too, long for a community of people who’ve gone through this so we can help each other move forward, whether we “stayed” or “went.”
Glennon, you are amazing! How do I purchase tickets to your visit to Minneapolis in June? Xx
I was wondering the same thing! I saw her here in Minneapolis a couple of years ago and want to go again! But when I go to the website, the events page only goes as far as April….am I missing something??
Glennon, Love this blog so much. You’re always so courageous and compassionate. You always help me see things differently.
Thank you. I needed to see this so desperately today.
When I was 24, I married a 44 year old man. We had our first child a few years later, followed by our second. Ten years into our marriage, he started to display uncontrollable anger, CPS was called twice, I left with the two children. He completed Anger Management and started taking a mood stabilizer, so we reconciled after 3 years apart. Two years into the reconciliation, the children are thriving, but my husband has slid back in to his old behavior patterns, controlling, occasionally verbally abusive, extremely volatile, he keeps us walking on eggshells. We tried counseling, but he doesn’t want to spend the money on it, my income is one quarter of his. I am miserable, depressed, have occasional thoughts of self harm. I was in therapy, but had to stop due to my therapist’s strong negative view of my husband. I wanted to make the marriage work, not justify it to my therapist. I am desperately miserable. But the children are doing so well, I don’t want to disrupt their lives. My daughter constantly asks me “are you and daddy going to separate?” It’s a lose/lose situation for me. I feel so hopeless.
You might find Milan and Kay Yerkovich’s book “How we love” helpful. It helps dig down to find the pain we had in childhood that shows up unannounced in our intimate relationship. And there’s a workbook with actions for change.
So sorry to hear about your negative experience in therapy.
I found having prayer with a local Sozo helped me a lot get over various trauma in my relationship. Google ad look for bethel Sozo if you are interested. It was good for my heart which needed to be healed in order to keep better boundaries and become braver. Xx
Thanks for recommending “How We Love” – I searched it and the website has an assessment quiz that was spot on and then lots of resources to follow up. Very helpful for a lot of different situations.
Marie, I am so sorry. It sounds so, so hard. I wonder if your daughter is really asking “Are you going to be okay? And am I going to be ok?” Maybe you can look her in the eyes and say “I am going to do the very best thing for you and for me, even if it is very hard and it doesn’t make us happy in the short run.” Even if you’re not sure yet what the best thing is, you will figure it out.
Also, please take good care of yourself. We love you. We don’t want you to hurt yourself and we don’t want your husband to hurt you. (Mentally OR physically.)
Show your daughter your strength by doing what you believe is best for YOU. We put ourselves to the side always worrying about everyone else! Chances are, she sees that you are unhappy and is learning from that, too. When she grows up, she might have lowered expectations for herself and her partner if her father is treating you poorly. Kids are resiliant and if they understand that you made a choice because you deserve better, she will be stronger, too. My marriage has gone through so much, too. My husband had a gambling problem which if left undiscovered by me, we would have lost everything. I was ready to walk away if he didn’ t stop. Thankfully he did, and we kept it together. Divorce is personal and nothing to be ashamed of. I wish you the best in your journey…keep your head up and confide in the people who love you and do not judge you.
Marie, my situation echoes yours but I’m 3 years down the line and made a difficult decision. I understand the eggshells, I understand the fear of “how will we make ends meet”, I understand. I am testament that (knock on wood, so far so good) it all works out if you have to make the big decision. x Me over here in England.
Sending my love!
Marie, your pain is palpable, I’m so sorry you gave him another chance and he has slipped back into this pattern. I’d recommend the book, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. I’m a fixer and an enabler. It took me two decades to realize that he doesn’t want to get better because it’s not bad behavior for him, it’s wrong thinking. He thinks he’s the king and women are less-than. This book won’t tell you what to do. It will just help you see that emotional abuse takes a toll.
Dear Glennon,
I love most everything I read of yours. I so appreciate the transparency and grace you extend to your readers no matter where they are in life.
A few months ago, while walking through a painful divorce, I wrote “Love Not Wasted”. When I read this quote from your recent post about the Love Warrior and marriage, It took me back to that place I was struggling to understand what the hell was happening in my life.
A few days ago, I was reading the introduction to Rising Strong, by Brene Brown. She referenced the quote from Roosevelt which she elaborated on in her book, Daring Greatly.
This book and her Ted talks were powerful tools for me two years ago when stuff initially hit the fan in my marriage. In our case, nobody cheated, physically. When I was reading the introduction to Rising Strong, the image of being in the arena triggered me and I had a complete emotional meltdown. I know that it is difficult in our society to picture a man having the capacity of expressing vulnerable emotions, but I am not much for stereotypes. I am not afraid to admit my ability to have a good ol’ ugly cry. The meltdown was triggered by an image of a dark arena and I was in the arena flat on my face. I had been mentally and emotionally beaten down to physical exhaustion in my marriage. In my marriage, I felt I was never “enough”.
Please don’t get me wrong, these last several months of healing have helped me discover a confidence I have never experienced. One which says, “I am a damn good father” and “I was a damn good husband.” Human? Yes. Full of flaws? No doubt. But I can confidently say I laid my life down for my spouse, sacrificed greatly, and was loyal to a fault.
flat on my faceBack to the image. I was laying flat on my face in an empty arena and everything happened in slow motion. Brene took me to the place of slowing down and feeling what I felt in that moment. In this dark, cold arena, where I had been beaten down, I finally mustered the strength to look up to see where my partner was. No one was there. I was left alone to fight this battle and do the work on my own. No closure. No validation. No effort. No words.
I recently read your post about Love Warriors who choose to stay in a marriage and those who leave. I tried really hard to understand what you are saying. I have become painfully aware that sometimes divorce is the best thing. While there is no benefit to self inflicted shame or insult to injury, I have come to believe it is important to do the work and stay in the arena as much as possible. Fight or flight, shaming, black and white, projecting and silence treatments are not character traits of a Love Warrior. A Love Warrior does the work of figuring out where those responses come from and are willing to take the path of healing and even reconciliation, when at all possible. I am honestly struggling to consider someone refusing counseling, and coldly turning their back with no explanation or conversation a “warrior”. Your writing suggests otherwise.
I struggle when individuals who refuse to do the work will click and share articles like the one you wrote as a public validation of their actions. As though they should be applauded for leaving their loving spouse in their tracks. Doing the work is what makes someone a warrior. You did the work and you are a warrior. Your sister did the work and discovered leaving was the best thing for her. But I imagine you both did the work and did not just walk away. Unless you have been the one being left with immense rejection and no reasoning whatsoever, it is impossible to speak directly to someone in my situation.
I think you and I can agree that each person who can muster the strength each morning to get up and face another day is a warrior. But walking away from someone, leaving them in the dust and showing blatant inconsideration and disrespect for another human being, is not being a “Love Warrior”, in my personal opinion or experience.
Obviously, I am writing this as one broken human who is still walking through the process of healing. Yours and your sister’s experiences are your experiences and nobody can change those stories of what either of you have had to walk through. I am cautious, however, when I read writings from people who can take their personal experience and project it onto others as though that is their reality too. Every marriage and divorce is different and I feel there is a danger on putting one blanket over every situation as if everyone is a warrior, even when they do give up. Does love cover a multitude of sins? Yes! Is grace for everyone? Yes! Are we all simply doing the best we can? Yes!
My concern is when someone like you, who is very influential, utilizes their platform to say everyone is in the right, you might be helping some of your readers to gloss over the real work that needs to be done by permitting them to leave without doing the work or giving the other person the benefit of an explanation or closure. I know that relationships are not about who is right or wrong and each of us are doing the best we can. My fear in reading the entirety of your post is I feel it was missing a key component of encouraging each person to own their own stuff and do the work necessary so as not to destroy another person or relationship.
In the last few months I have learned I am more than a casualty. I deserve to be fought for, just like I was willing to and did fight for my spouse and our union. I attended counseling. Alone. I worked towards reconciliation. Alone. I was left in the arena to fight…ALONE. With all due respect, a Love Warrior does not do that to another person. You become a warrior when you are willing to stick it out and do the work. If leaving is the best option, you still have work to do, but you do not treat another person the way I was treated and left to heal alone.
Perhaps I missed your entire reasoning for writing what you wrote and would be willing to continue this conversation. As I mentioned earlier, I appreciate most of what you write and trust my response to your article will not be received as anything but an opportunity to look at another side of the coin. Your story is your story. It is not my place or intent to change your belief based on your experience. But I do not believe it is beneficial to overgeneralize and categorize everyone as a Love Warrior when some people just leave and give up without showing decency to another human being. I would be happy to hear your thoughts.
AMEN
Jonathan,
As much as I adore Glennon, I also struggled with some of what she wrote. I just wanted to say that I see you, I agree with you, and I empathize with your pain. Adultery, abandonment, and abuse are three of the most difficult betrayals to bear in a marriage relationship and afterwards. And finding forgiveness for the unrepentant, is a very tall order. I know that people do it every day, but I am just not there yet. As I posted below, my husband’s ex-OW (who is married) reached out to my husband just a few months ago. Their affair has been over for more than 2 years. Finding forgiveness for woman, (a “sister” as Glennon would write) who can only think of herself and not the 9 other people between our two families, has been impossible for me thus far. Not a “Love Warrior” in my mind, either. I will, however, hold onto these words, ” Release will come when it comes and it will not come one second too early or too late”.
My heart goes out to you as you as you walk this broken road to recovery.
With much love,
Elle
I dealt with the same thing. And wonder about the very same questions.
I don’t think Glennon is saying that every person is a Love Warrior and has made the best choice to stay or leave. Maybe I’m wrong.
People are doing the best they can with what they have, and some of them don’t have the right stuff to do the work that is needed for their marriage. They didn’t throw away their marriage, they couldn’t make it work because of their lack of ability. Some people, sounds like you, have the ability, but they don’t have a spouse who does. You can’t do it alone.
I read this post, I reread and then I realized something. I have had a horrible marital break-up and was completely abandoned in the arena, completely abandoned after the break-up and have never had anything other than an ex who gleefully continued on their way. But here is the thing that I learned (for me, maybe this isn’t your situation, I get that!) Abandonment was a favor. Getting walked over when you are broken and lying in the arena by yourself is a favor. It is a strange favor, it isn’t an ideal favor, it is like getting crap gift wrapped on your birthday but there will be a point if you keep walking forward that you may see this as a gift. There is finality to being abandoned, there is a realization and a clarity that there was no way that you missed seeing if your love was a perennial, it was not, never wonder, never worry that you did enough, never doubt. Clarity is so often the hardest thing that sometimes when we have it we don’t realize that the hardest clarity is still better than the softest limbo.
Thank you for these often needed seldom spoken words. As a woman in ministry who was married for 18 years to the love of my life, 11 years were those in which I knew my husband was struggling with and acting out on homosexual feelings, I tried to make it work. We tried to love each other as best as we could, but that was not enough. We trusted God to bring healing, deliverance and change. For whatever reason, that did not happen. After 18 years of marriage and 2 wonderful boys, we separated, divorced and moved on. Love never fails. My love did not fail though it was hard to see and understand that.
I found a new love 2 years later and remarried, very happily. I have found that life goes on, love can happen again and God is good. Thank you again for keeping it real and sharing the truth in love.
So I’ve been muddling through some difficult stuff in therapy about my relationship with myself, my body, and my sexual relationship with my husband. Yesterday I thought to myself… this is so hard… and no one talks about it… except Glennon. I really wish she would finish her book on marriage because I feel so alone in all this. And then today, I see this post. Seriously? God works in amazing ways. I’ve been praying for strength and direction and I know that the timing of this book was somehow meant for me. Thank you Glennon!
I don’t know how you do it but every time I read your blog, you speak to my soul! I absolutely adore your words, your heart and your honesty. You make me feel brave..not yet ready to be brave out loud ..but you inspire and encourage me. God bless you Glennon, God bless you!!
Wow, girl, that was beautiful what you wrote.
Would you move next door to me? You would be the best neighbor. Lots of coffee and philosophy.
Hello,
I have read your blog for years and am beyond thrilled that I will get to see you on Monday night in Atlanta (and am able to go to the meet-and-greet afterward). It is my birthday present to myself.
I didn’t have an infidelity issue in my marriage, but I did have an addiction problem in my family (well, technically, my husband did, but as we all know, everyone in the family gets hit with that in different ways). Although he had been sober from alcohol and other party favors for 10 years, he and Klonopin and Oxy seemed to find each other in 2014. Me, the Al-Anon queen, was in total denial for months and then everything came to a head and punched me in the gut over that summer. As these things often do.
I made him leave. I wasn’t sure that it was the right thing to do at first, but I couldn’t have active addiction around my two small children. And, even though I love addicts to pieces–they make up a good part of my history, from birth on–I also know that being around them is not healthy for me.
I had some people tell me how awful I was. Why couldn’t I just give him a chance? Just one year-long stretch in a decade. Yes, he drove the kids around while high multiple times; yes, he exposed my kids to drug dealers and told me I was judgmental when I questioned his new acquaintances; yes, he put us in a financial mess; yes, he even let said drug dealers watch my kids–but couldn’t I forgive him? I made the vow. I knew what the possibilities were when I married him. I was an awful person.My in-laws barely spoke to me for six months and didn’t exactly correct rumors that I was cheating or crazy when those came up (because my husband had to tell people something!).
I had some people say that I had done the right thing. He put my kids in danger! He exposed my kids to awful situations! He put us in a financial mess! He said awful things about me in our community! He lied about so much! I did not owe him anything! Time to see an attorney already!
I waited, patiently (most of the time) to see how it played out. I decided I did not need to be on anyone’s timeline but my own–even my husband’s. It took a long time. Finally, after months of lies and saying I was crazy, I found some things out that made it impossible for the lies to continue. And, by the grace of God, my husband decided to get help. It took more time. But, we decided to try again. It has worked for us and so far, worked beautifully.
Would it work for someone else? Maybe not. Does it mean she doesn’t value marriage as much as I do? Not for one minute. Would I go through it again? I honestly have no idea.
And that is the thing…we can all speculate. We can imagine ourselves in situations, but unless the horror actually comes to our house–whether it be infidelity, addiction, abuse, whatever–we have no idea what would be right for us. And what is right for one of us may not be for another. My mom left my dad for infidelity. I don’t think she left because she didn’t value marriage…in fact, I think she left because she did. As do all our sisters (and many of our brothers) who are doing the best they can in this “brutiful” life.
Thank you for this post.
<3
Thank you so much for adding your thoughts to this amazing post, Kelly.
I think I can betray me. Through my eating disorder. Years of alcoholism. Although in recovery for both it hovers over my head I do not take sobriety for granted. But I say that to say during my rehab I was referred to an addiction Doctor. After a few years of treatment and his “grooming” he sexually assaulted me. I ended up in an inpatient rehab facility for my full blown eating disorder because I was struggling with what had happened. During my stay I told my husband what had happened. Needless to say, Our marriage is under repair. But God is good. Love never fails. We are stronger than ever. Every day we pray. And every day is new territory. The only manual written for this is in the Bible. I look forward to reading your book.
Good words. But my husband is very sensitive to the messages that reinforce that this is a female problem. As a man married for 25 years who’s wife had an affair with another man and left him and their kids for this “new found love”. It is a lonely place in the church for him and his “hand holders” were very few. It is hard for people to believe that he could have been the one that fought for his marriage day after day. As the love of my life, I can believe that the redemption was this life we have together, but I definitely mourned for the man who was abandoned at this time of need. I guess I just thought it was needed to voice for those male voices out there that were abandoned by the women they called their lives.
Agreed. Thank you.
Sometimes I feel like you know me. Every post is like it’s written specifically to me. My husband and I just went through a huge relationship changing event and we have come out the other end more devoted to each other and in love than we have ever been. I look how to pre order your book and what do you know, it comes out on our anniversary. <3
I decided to stay, we cried, we yelled, we talked, we wept, we sang , we won… together.
I am walking with someone who is separating, they cried, they yelled, they talked, they wept, they sang, they are winning too…separately
Love is not a piece of the pie you have, get or earn, love is whole and given by Grace, unconditionally.
Stay strong…
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you! I am “the cheater” I am a Believer and Follower of Jesus. I made a seriously poor choice… Praise God there is redemption!
My marriage did not survive, and all those comments? I have heard them whispered at Church and everywhere else. We are forgiven, but we do suffer consequences, but God is MERCIFUL and GOOD ALL THE TIME!
Thank you for bravely posting that.
Love keeps no record of wrongs. X
I so wanted to write the book on the redemption of my marriage after my husband’s infidelity and even got a few chapters written. I discovered that the infidelity spanned half of our 20+ year marriage with various women. But once all was exposed, he returned home claiming to be a redeemed man, we went to counseling and renewed our vows as a couple and as a forever family in a church ceremony with our teenage children present. That was to be the happy ending of the book. Then a few weeks after the ceremony, he returned to his most recent mistress (25 years younger than us). His claim was that I was supposed to have forgiven and healed with that ceremony never to discuss (or write about) the hurt again — we had renewed our vows a year after discovering the infidelity. The ceremony was a step in the healing process. As others noted — forgiveness is a daily exercise not a one time thing. When I still wanted marriage counseling, well . . . . I was devastated when he walked but now I feel better than I have in a very long time. I prayed and prayed and felt as if God said, “you tried your hardest, but it takes two to make a marriage. Let’s go with Plan B — you can only fulfill your life’s purpose without the burden of this man draining the heart and soul out of you, and I release you. ” So many doors and opportunities have opened up for me since that time. I can sleep at night with peace instead of dread. I’m a better mother and stronger role model (he’s an absentee father). For me, the only way to heal was to be free of the criticism and rejection that became my normal for so long. It’s great to be liberated and to be able to fulfill God’s purpose with such joy and freedom. I’m myself again! Hugs, grace and peace to all who are going through the gauntlet — my two cents: however it works out just be sure that you are in a place where you can be whole instead of settling for a broken self just for the sake of staying married which is what I did for too long. Onward!
YES!!!
Our pastor/marriage counselor kept telling me, “If the horse is dead, you must dismount.”
It took me MONTHS after he first said that to figure it out, embrace it…
I’m five years out.
God has blessed me again, and again, and again.
You have a wise pastor.
My pastor told me he wanted to “walk the path with me”, but as soon as that meant not following where HE thought I should go I was put under church discipline.
Oh my! This is why I gave up church for lent 20 years ago! Haven’t looked back.
Thank you! Your comments have hit home for me and for once I don’t feel so alone. I too have been married for almost 27 years. However, at our 20 year mark my husband came home from a one year deployment, and instead of hugs and kisses, he tells me he’s fallen in love with another woman..a Soldier, he was deployed with. I mean how does that happen? Anyways, he then proceeded to tell me that, this isnt the first time he’s cheated on me. He’d cheated many times over the past 11 years, well over half of our marriage at that time. In fact at one time he’d even loved another woman before this one, while still married to me. I just stared at him in shock, disbelief, pain, and so many other adjectives to list….then the anger came. And did it come. I screamed and screamed till I thought I would die. Then I begged him to stay. He didn’t. He left with his mistress, who was also married. I spent the next two weeks begging and praying to God for answers. Then one day, my husband calls me and asks to come home. I said yes. Fast forward a few months and my husband starts drinking about 18 beers a night. We end up fighting every single night. He demeans me and our kids. Finally he realizes he has become an alcoholic. He had always been a drinker, from the day I met him. I always just made excuses for him. He was alot like my dad, and I guess you could say I was alot like my mom. Always covering up for my drunk husband’s behavior. Well my husband’s been sober for over two years now and I’m still having a hard time. He seems to be doing great though. He likes to think our marriage has been repaired because he is now sober, made amends to us all, and swears he will not ever cheat again. Says his infidelity was all because of his alcoholism. But, for me…every day is a struggle. I’d like to think i have forgiven him for his infidelity but, I hurt all the time. I just want to stop hurting. Reading these blogs give me hope though. Thank you again!
Just, sending hugs to you. It’s okay if the “amends” that he made aren’t enough; it’s okay to ask for what you need. (I don’t know what that is. It might be therapy for you, it might be getting a better understanding of your own parents’ dynamic, or it might be having your husband REALLY acknowledge his problem and how he hurt you. Whatever it is, you still have needs that aren’t being met.)
Thank you Catherine! Your words and support mean so much.
What happens if the betrayal is not infidelity? Financial mistake and trust. I am lost here I came to this page cause my wife spoke very highly of it in the past. She is currently seeking a divorce after a financial mistake I made and lost her trust through being an alcoholic. I have been sober almost 16 months and that trust I thought was there was never fully regained so when the financial mistake happened it was like a total collapse (relapse if you will). We have been through a lot in a short time. I try daily to make amends for she is truly a strong warrior and an old soul that I cherish. She is my best friend and it is to the point where she will not communicate. I fear there is no reconciliation, she self admitted that she can’t FORGIVE, how do you react to someone who says that they “do not forgive people”? The story is as old as the Earth I want to talk I push her away with her anger, I let her be she moves away just as fast. I just can seem to accept she will not allow any chance at redemption. I have been reading and following your page for a few months and I really appreciate your leadership and simple look on life. If no one else tells you today or tomorrow you are appreciated. Also I ordered the book for my wife the day you announced it. Keep doing what you are doing.
It sounds to me as if she wouldn’t be opening to any kind of marriage counseling at the moment – although you could certainly bring it up if you haven’t – but have you thought of going by yourself? Sounds like a very hard place to be in. Seeing a professional can’t hurt. Good luck to you.
Congrats on your 16 months!!!! I will pray for your and your wife.
Thank you Glennon for leading the fight for LOVE.
I so hope this book will help my head and heart. I so, so want to go, leave this miserable marriage. Yet we have a good (i.e. middle-class) life, and parent well and I don’t feel free to go. But I want to so bad. Everything about us except parenting is hard. And not like parenting is hard but rewarding. It’s all hard, trudging, not-rewarding, miserable and endless. There is no fun and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I stay for my kids. And because people tell me that God can redeem anything.
hang in there girl!!!
don’t blindly hang in there girl… seek counseling perhaps, remember all long-term relationships do have ups and downs, but do not stay if it is soul-destroying… sending you courage either way xx big love xx
This is not a way to live. It’s just not. Hang in there for what? To repeat this cycle again and again? If that is your option you aren’t hanging in there you are simply surviving and we are not called to survive but to thrive. Hanging in with no hope is destructive. Is there a possibility of change? Find out. (I’m not saying run, I’m saying find out) I agree with Glennon when she says if it’s your soul vs the marriage pick your soul. God and man are not the same thing.
Glennon, reading your post and these comments have made me feel less alone for the first time in 3 years! As far as I know, I have only one friend who has walked through this journey and it was years ago. While others try to imagine what it is like to be betrayed by the love of your life, especially after you have lost your parents and are still raising a child, no one can truly grasp it. That said, I have many in my “tribe” who have been loving and as graceful as they’ve known how to be. I choose to forgive my ex-husband and it isn’t always easy. I have chosen to forgive
the OW (childless) even though she knew my ex was married and we had a child. It is painful, messy, and I am grateful to receive the encouragement to NOT judge. My previous “life” was “beautiful” to those who looked at it from the outside. When it blew up, I found myself in shock and disbelief. Some days are better than others, and some days are downright awful. I didn’t get to choose that he left and decided not to return, but I choose to forgive. For us all.
Here is what I know: When people told me to stay, I could not listen. When they told me to go, I could not listen. When I was told to pray for the spirit of forgiveness to enter my heart, I listened. And then I prayed for the spirit of forgiveness to enter my family. Then, my heart was soft enough to let love back in, and then I was able to decide stay or go. And Spouse could decide stay or go. There is no hierarchy, there is no right for all or wrong for all. There is you and me and him and her and love and forgiveness and mistakes and hopefully more love, for you and me and him and her. /thank you for your love.
Thank you so much for this. I saw your new book’s announcement and felt excitement followed by, I guess, fear. Fear that if I read it I would be face to face with everything you denounced here. It has been almost 8 years since my marriage finally took its last breath but it is still with me and I don’t want to hear, from anyone, that I didn’t try or that I’m not a story of redemption because it didn’t get fixed. You did it all here, Glennon, you did a really really really GOOD thing here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I clicked back out of the ordering page that day, afraid what I would find if I bought the book and dared to read it.
You just sold me, lady. And won a fan.
Leave or Stay…I didn’t get to choose. Addiction stormed our household and left me devastated. I didn’t choose for my marriage to end. I did have to let it end to protect my child and my own sanity. I still can find myself baffled by it. How did this happen? But I did choose to move forward and heal and I’m determined to have a great life- though it is nothing like I imagined.
My husband had a 2.5 year affair with a man. They are now together and seem to have it all while I am struggling. I worked so damn hard to save my family and my sanity through the whole process of him figuring out who he is and what he wants. I worked so damn hard for the years he was having the affair! We co-parent our little boys and are trying to figure out this new normal. I am feeling all the feels and one day to the next, I don’t know what will trigger feelings. I am trying to remember that love always wins…and I don’t want this to turn me into a bitter angry person. I am a lover of love and feel things so deeply. I am stuck in the unfairness of this all. And how someone I loved and trusted for 13 years could do this and watch me crumble. With this situation of a divorce over a gay affair, it is really challenging to find positive support. Most people that I have come across who have been through this have horror stories to tell with tragic outcomes. I want something better for me, my boys, and my ex…because there is still a lot of love between all of us. And I want my scars to be just that…scars…not who I am. And I want to love again…starting with myself. To my Sisters who have been betrayed…I see you…I am you.
What a challenging situation you are in! I’m so sorry you are struggling & I can only imagine how difficult it would be to be in your shoes. I applaud your attempt to keep parenting your children & I hope you find the joy & love you deserve, even if it’s doesn’t look like what you were expecting.
Thank you. So much of this is letting go of the expectations I had for my life. It is a big loss. I was sure my husband was going to be my partner forever. I did not see this coming. I am sad for me and will have to work at letting this go. And believing in the future…which feels so hard right now.
That must be so so very hard, for you, for him, for your boys. Under it all, seeing the need, the confusion, the sadness and shame of hurting others in order to be true to yourself (in his case, to himself) is so so very messy. You sound like you are doing an amazing job of trying to find the love in the heartache. Wow – sending you love and strength to stay true to YOU too.
Thank you, Shannon. I really see how he was in severe denial. That he didn’t want to hurt me. That we still did have a great marriage and this had nothing to do with me. I find a lot of compassion for my ex and what he is going through. He did not grow up in a family with support and unconditional love…but I taught him that. Despite the infidelity and the hurt, there is still love. I am hoping time will heal. It is so hard everyday. I have cried for a year now. It feels endless at the moment…so I am trying to hone in on faith…that I will feel whole again someday. And someone will love me again…scars and all.
MEG, I am sorry to hear of your pain. I cannot relate to it, but did want you to feel less alone and hear a story of hope. I am married to a man who had a similar upbringing to your little boys, except for him- it was his mom. Because that was 25 years ago, the court did not place him with mom, but with his Dad. There were many years of hurt, confusion for all, but this you know, too well. I wanted to show you what happened since then. There has been so much healing and forgiveness in this family, it has been amazing to be a part of it. My oldest daughter (5) was able to watch her grandmothers marry 2 years ago. They had been together 26 years (since the divorce of my husband’s parents). My father in law remarried too. We now all share much love in this family that may not look like others. We do it now too with pride, not shame . My children have 5 grandmothers!!! My daughter has asked questions, and I have chosen to explain at her level in an honest way so that she does not have to experience the same shame or confusion that her Dad felt. We talk about in our family, this is what love looks like. My Mother in law and her partner are self-sacrificing, loving, and Christ following. I wish I could tell you that this all happened without pain, but it did not. Time has helped in healing. In our family, grandchildren have been healing, and above all, our family’s story of love is authored by God. Many blessings on you Meg.
Erin, I just cry as I read this. Thank you. It gives me hope when I don’t feel much of it now. We have been really honest with our boys and I have made sure that when they look to me for how I am responding to their dad being gay, they see that I am ok and we are all going to be ok. They will learn tolerance and love from me…even though the situation could have gone down so differently. I will not shame my ex. He grew up in a family that didn’t do real-true-hard love. I do that kind of love, though. And I will always. I am a truth machine in this family. Being open and honest is what I do…even after being lied to.
I love your modern family. I love how your family has let love win. I am in such awe and respect. When I feel like giving up, I will think of you…and how on the other side of this, we can all be better than ok. Thank you again.
Meg, I understand your pain because I have walked in your shoes. My ex-husband of 20 years left 7 yeas ago after telling me he is gay. The shock and betrayal is more than I can put into words. We lived in a small(ish) town where we both grew up. We were active in our church and community. We were high school sweethearts and he was my best friend. My then teenage sons were devastated as well. Of course I had friends whose marriages ended in divorce after infedelity but none whose ended like mine did. I questioned if my entire adult life had been basically a lie. It felt like a death. The man I thought I knew was really a stranger. i honestly thought the pain was going to kill me. After a couple of years l was so tired of hurt that I would have done anything to make it stop. So, I did something which ar that time, thought was “big” of me. I forgave him. I began to pray that his life and new relationship would flourish. I prayed for reconciliation btween him and his sons. I even prayed for reconciliation between the two of us. It was the first time in my life I truly understood the power of forgiveness. It didn’t happen overnight but it didn’t take long. I began to see that my life and marriage had NOT been built upon lies. It was as authentic and true and real. I began to remember the good times instead of reliving that awful day of discovery. I knew in my heart that he really did love me. Seven years later we are friends. We celebrate our son’s life events together….. including his husband. Forgiveness gave me a heart that began to love again. This process certainly took a while. Grieving the death of my marriage was necessary but forgiveness gave me my life back. So, my only “advice” to you is to grieve, hurt, feel all of those painful emotions but when you can’t stand it a second longer, forgive. G’s description of No Love is Wasted is so true. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you walk this road. Much Love to you.
…… Meg, I also want to add that the process of forgiving my ex allowed me to love again so much that I remarried this past October. I am a newlywed again at age 52! I am convinced my heart would have never been ready to receive any love had I not gone through the process of grief, acceptance and forgiveness. I am a better wife, mother and friend because of it.
There is love for you, that I am sure of but as you said- the love had to begin with me loving myself first. I found that when the cobwebs began to clear enough that I embraced God’s never ending love for me. And God’s never ending love for my ex.
Please forgive the typos/misspelled words above. I began my post before I finished my first cup of coffee!
Cindy, thank you for making me feel not so alone. And also for your forgiveness story. I hear so much of myself in what you went through. I love to hear about hope in getting through this. Day to day it can feel so so heavy.
I am also so happy to hear that you are friends with your ex. I want that so much…but the hurt has to fade first. I have started doing small prayers for my ex. It is what I can muster right now…just quick one liners. I know the healing has to come from within me…even as much as I want my ex to make it better.
I am so happy you found love again. And this did not ruin you. And that happiness is so possible. I can feel your story so much in my heart because it is what I feel this is all for…to get to the other side with love and forgiveness. And to know that our marriage was real and authentic and not lies.
Thank you a million times over.
Meg, I am in a similar situation, and it is so hard. I admit, I’m finding it hard to embrace Glennon’s message that love is never wasted, because it makes us who we are today. Because I keep thinking, who would I be today if I HADN’T spent almost 20 years with someone who ultimately was never going to be satisfied with me? Maybe there is something better for me out there, but why did I have to wait 20 years to get to it?
I know those feelings so well. I play them in my mind when I find myself going down the rabbit hole of “why me?!?” I think of all of the things I would have done differently in my life if I wouldn’t have gotten married to my ex, had kids, and gone through this hell. And it is an easy place to get stuck…I know this.
But then I see it like this sometimes: that maybe this was about my ex’s journey, too. Maybe him and I were together so I could show him the true meaning of unconditional love and compassion. Maybe we were together because I know what it means to be a tolerant and open person. And these 2 little boys we have were meant to be on this planet. And maybe I had some learning and lessons in this process…several actually.
So, our stories do not end here, BL, not even close. We keep moving forward and feel it all and one day we come out on the other side. And maybe then we can stop asking, “why me?!?” But for now, we are going to cut ourselves some slack and offer up some kindness to ourselves on this journey. We can be sisters and support each other through this. Love always wins…and the love starts in our own hearts with little baby tiny steps. I see you and will hold space for you and others in our situation. Love and hugs.
Thank you. This helps so much.
Let me know if you want my email address so we can talk.
Oh my gosh. You speak to my heart so well. I sure am thankful God gave you the strength to share your story and give wisdom and encouragement to so many women. Thank you for being brave and courageous. Keep this stuff coming. It helps tremendously. May God continue to bless you and shine favorably upon you.
I’m looking forward to reading your book, Glennon. I, too, have had a marriage rocked by infidelity. 5 years ago my husband was a pastor, I was a stay-at-home mom, with 3 kids under 5. Our youngest was 4 months old. When my husband’s affair came to light, he lost his job, we lost our only income, we separated, and although I was college-educated, I ended up on welfare.
Our church family rallied around me when my husband and I were separated, but when we decided to work at reconciliation, the senior pastor told us that we were not welcome in the church, that it’d be “too uncomfortable” for everyone. So, there we were: Broke, broken, and rejected by the church “family” we had loved and served for over a decade. It was my personal “dark night of the soul.”
We went through a ton of counseling, both together and individually, and have managed to keep our family together. I have two girlfriends and two sisters who were the hands and feet of Jesus to me. My husband found an older pastor who befriended and is mentoring him. 5 years later, I think we’re going to make it.
My relationship with “church” is eh. . .although we are part of one, I am hesitant to open up and actually invest in relationships there. I don’t know if I’ll ever love a church again, but reading Momastery (and Jen Hatmaker) for the last several years has given me hope and been a reason not to write off Christianity altogether. Your posts have shown me that there are truth-tellers out there. There are believers who don’t gloss over brokenness, who walk with one another through it, who acknowledge fear and keep on. I’m thankful to have found “my tribe,” if only in the online world.
Thank you, Glennon!
Wow, I really loved the message from Glennon but yours is truly remarkable too! Feel deeply respect for the road you have taken!!! You are awesome! Glennon, you are awesome too, … No more judging, but more loving! Rock on warrior sister, rock on!
Don’t forget the group of women that were neither the ‘wives’ nor the ‘other women’, but were the cheaters with the ‘other men’. We often forget that women cheat on their spouse as frequently as men and they deserve love too
Yes, Kim, was thinking that as well. Thanks for bringing this up. We all bring different experiences to the table.
Kim, yes. And I hope that everyone who cheats can reach out to the spouses of their ex-lover with sincere understanding of their pain and sincere apologies for being part of it. Not to take on the errors of that person’s spouse, but to show that you understand that the betrayed partner is a thinking, feeling, loving person too.
AMEN. Yes.
I am more than two years from receiving my news. My husband and I chose to stay and fight for our marriage. It has been two of the most brutiful years of my life! We are getting better – forever changed, but better. The other side of this is, the ex-OW is also married, and between our two families, there are 6 children. Just a few months ago, she tried to secretly reach out to my husband. He handled it with complete honesty and transparency, but I struggle to find forgiveness for a woman (whom I’ve never met) who still tries to harm my family. I continue to seek His wisdom to help me get there!
With much love and respect,
Elle
This is so hard. Reaching for your hand!!
I have been so many of these things – the one who was betrayed, the one who strayed, the one who confused sex and booze with love. The one who left, the one who started over, and the one who has this time stayed and built something better.
Your words struck a place in my heart that I had long ago sealed up and left behind – in the best of ways. And I’ve shared them with a sister who needs to hear them right now. Thank you, G.
The anger you describe in your postscript comes from pain. Those who’ve been hurt by infidelity really long for one thing, to have that deep pain acknowledged. We’d love to hear this: “I see your pain, I know it is real and it matters. I will never cause that kind of pain to anyone else ever again.” It’s not usually possible to hear that. So when we see that those who caused the pain receive forgiveness and forgive themselves and move on and have happy lives, while ours are still broken in tiny shards on the floor, ground there by the feet that now skip away…it hurts that much more. We feel insignificant. We feel we don’t matter to anyone since we didn’t matter to the ones who were supposed to love us the most. All we want is to matter. All we want is to feel that our journey has meaning. That our pain wasn’t for nothing.
Thank you for adding this. I am six years out from my divorce and I still have so much pain in my heart. Partly because my ex-husband never fully acknowledge all of the infidelity. He admitted it in a weak moment when I caught him off guard in a conversation about the financial aspects of us splitting up. Then after that he clammed up and would never discuss it again. I worked so hard at trying to save my marriage before that but he never fought for it because he would have had to admit the pain he had caused. The closest thing besides his admitting it in a weak moment was “I’m not proud of the man I’ve become” at one point prior to our separating. Now he is remarried to someone who looks like a mini-me of me and is so much like me it is uncanny. I feel I have put on the bench and he subbed in wife #2. Thankfully she isn’t one of the other women as I know they met a little after he moved out. That makes it easier. And I actually get along fine with her. But it is so very hard to always be the one to take the high road over and over and get along with him for the kids’ sake when he has never acknowledged all the pain he caused. I have told him I forgive him but as I have just recently realized how long this behavior was going on it seems as though there is more I have to forgive. The pain is still so very real and deep. And I guess I want that acknowledged— in person— by him. And now my daughter is engaged to a wonderful boyfriend of four years and I have to be involved in planning that may involve him and his new wife. Everyone tells me that it has been long enough and I need to just let it go. That he is incapable of acknowledging the pain he caused. That I am still seeing integrity in him where it doesn’t exist. I don’t know. Maybe they’re right, but it doesn’t seem to take away from my longing to have the acknowledgment after giving him 20 years of my life.
I weep as I read your words, Glennon. I weep for the love you fling into the world, at all of us. What a huge heart you are! ~ I survived infidelity. It was a shattering experience, and I was ill when my husband deserted. He’d expected me to be “fixed” from major depression and complex PTSD after I arrived home from a long stay at a psychiatric hospital. I wasn’t fixed. I’m still not. But I survived the betrayal, thanks to the love of my own tribe. They kept me alive in every sense, until I could begin to sustain myself. I live now, years later, still fragile and struggling and mostly afraid. What I did, though, was forgive the man who had been the great love of my life. I came to understand that he had to leave. Truth be told, I left first — or should I say, I was taken. Illness can do that — it can take us away from our ability to be in relation. My husband lost his primary source of love and presence and he did what so many of us do when we are bereft of love — he sought it elsewhere. He didn’t, couldn’t, love himself … and that was part of his/our downfall. I certainly couldn’t love myself, and I still struggle to even like myself. Forgiveness … Reinhold Niebuhr said, “Forgiveness is the final form of love.” I truly let this man go when I forgave him. It took over three years, but I did it. We are now friends, and we’ve shared some necessary conversations, gradually entering the mire that had once been our marriage. He is, in essence, a good person. So am I … and I still struggle to forgive myself. Thank you for your massive heart, for your wisdom, for your presence in the world.
Glennon,
How do you stop thinking about that other relationship? About what he had with her? About how he was with her? About what it meant to him? How.do.you.stop? When.does.it.stop? Even past reconciliation. Even happily reconciled. Do my thoughts about HER ever end? Please tell me some secret to getting the thoughts to stop. Thank you.
I too am wondering these same things! It’s coming up on 1 year since I found out and the wicked truth is that it sometimes feels brand new… Like I’m tipping that band aid off for the first time. Other times I feel it’s been years. My mind is my enemy it seems. Prayers for you and I!
Thank you both for being honest. I sometimes think I’m the only one who still struggles, and then I see that I’m not alone, and that helps. There is meaning in our pain and our journey. It’s been almost five years, and some days it’s great and I feel peace, and some days I feel just awful. This is not easy.
When I first found out about my husband’s affair, another friend connected me with a woman whose marriage had survived infidelity. I don’t remember much about our conversation, as I was pretty much in a fog at that point, but I DO remember her saying it was a full five years before she could say she was “over it,” and that she felt like they were going to make it. I remember thinking “I can’t live like this for 5 years,” yet here I am, five years later, and most days I don’t think about it. There will ALWAYS be triggers. . .they happen regularly. . .but with time, they don’t hurt as badly. Keep on, sister. You’ve already walked through the hardest year.
It’s been 7 years for me, and it DOES get better. I haven’t forgotten, and there are times when the pain is so sharp it still hurts, but for the most part, you slowly let it go. For me, trusting that he won’t do it again is the hardest part. How do I know? I don’t, I love the idea of looking in the mirror and trusting myself.
I’m a much stronger woman, and mother than I was 7 years ago. I’m thankful that I stayed, but there is also a small part of me that is disappointed in myself that I didn’t leave.
It’s like the movie Sliding Doors, I’ve realized that no matter what choices I’ve made, no matter what path I travel, I will come out where I’m meant to be.
I’m at the 4 year point since I made the discovery of my husbands affair. We not only reconciled but are stronger than ever, he has made such a change it’s really remarkable. Yet I do still struggle with it. The OW was 13 years younger than me, I made this discovery just a few weeks after turning 40. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get over the feeling that I’m not good enough, despite him showing how much he loves me in every way possible, every day. My head is in a much better place than it was even a year ago, and I’m light years away from that night I saw her name on his phone and all the air rushed out of the room. But, I fear it will always be an obstacle for me.
For years and years, I wasn’t sure I would survive. The pain so deep and so awful, to be betrayed by the one person you trusted the most. It wasn’t easy, sometimes I thought leaving would have been less painful. It may have been at the time but I would have lost what I have now. A wonderful marriage with a man I do finally trust again. I don’t think of her every day, or even every other day anymore. In fact I rarely think of her at all, and when I do it doesn’t rip my soul apart anymore. Forgiveness isn’t something you do once, it’s something you do again and again and again. And then, one day, you realize you made it. Forgive every day, every hour if you have to. It will get better. Love, someone who cares and has been there.
I chose to stay for six years. No matter how wonderful he was… the betrayal never disappeared. It was always lurking… I finally decided to leave. It didn’t take long for the pain to finally release. I was finally free!
I always thought that leaving him would be too gut-wrenching and awful, which it was. But that pain was much easier & quicker to heal from rather than staying, trying to love/trust him again, and always doubting. Staying was exhausting. I finally realized, there is nothing he can do to make me trust him again.
I had a choice. Stay and deal with the dull, constant pain of doubt or leave and try to heal completely. Leaving was the best decision I ever made.
Regardless of which pain I dealt with, God was always there. I know He carried me through it all. He has continued to bless my life in amazing ways. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. 🙂
I can’t listen to the song Girl Crush because of HER. It’s HARD to let those thoughts go….but eventually they just go away.
I too cannot listen to that song
I’m a year out as well and it’s a daily struggle. This has been the most painful experience and I feel so alone at times. It really helps to read another’s story. I’m to the point now, where with the pain that revisits, it may also help to write my own book. I wanted so bad to relate to another’s story and each situation varies. You want to find that connection with another so that you can process the pain. Forgiveness happens and the pain can subside, but it never really goes away. I hate that each and every day it hits me.
Glennon, thank you so much. I always get something out of your posts, but today I got the best gift ever: PEACE. I am in the middle of the should I/shouldn’t I battle… it has been a long one, filled with moments of great hope and moments of great despair. But you know what? It’s going to be alright. The work I have put in, and the work my husband has put in… it is all going to bear fruit in one way or another. Thank you for acknowledging that, no matter where people are in their relationships, the work we put in is a marvelous, worthy endeavor.
My comment was for Glennon s answer to Ellen’s query..
I stayed…..I get it when you say: ‘For many reasons—most of which can’t even be put into words they’re so visceral and true and low and high.’ It was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Everyday is about forgiving, reminding myself that I am that warrior and how strong I really am. It is also nice to know that someone gets me. Looking forward to reading your book.
I pre-ordered your book when Sara Bessey shared the announcement. I keep falling apart a little with every post you write about it. But then after the second of tears is gone, my soul sighs. One of those sighs where something releases just a bit. I think I’m gonna fall apart when I read your book. But I think it’ll be the blessed kind of falling. Just ordering it felt like a jumping off point.
I saw this originally on Facebook and I could not believe how perfectly timed this was. One of my closest friends has been fighting for her marriage for years and has finally come to the understanding that she cannot save it. I also think she has realized that she doesn’t want to save it and I think she is struggling with that. I was able to share this with her and let her know that no matter what she does it is the right thing!
I fought this battle almost 20 years ago and I can say that I went through hell and back but I am so much stronger for going through it.
Thank you for writing this. Thank you for giving all of us warriors the words to say right when we need to say them.
Dear G,
This is off topic (or maybe not!!) but I thought some Love Warriors and Monkees might appreciate this explanation of why one might pray, from the mouth of a child: “I’m praying. Because I want to punch Satan.” This comes from Lisa-Jo Baker today. (Those who don’t know her work can find her at lisajobaker.com.)
Dear G,
Thank you for this beautiful post, for reminding us that no one is perfect, but we all deserve love, respect, and grace. When my husband and I went to pre-marriage counseling with the priest, he said basically the same thing-but with less beauty and grace. Not all marriages will last, but it is important to try.
And thank you for reminding us not to judge-no one knows what is going on in another’s person’s life or in the depths of another’s soul.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful insights.
xo
Dear G,
This is beautiful “Some loves are perennials—they survive the winter and bloom again. Other loves are annuals—beautiful and lush and full for a season and then back to the Earth to die and create richer soil for new life to grow. The eventual result of both types of plants is New Life.” And so timely as I ponder what to plant in our family garden, the one that will bloom with the help of a tender touch and patience and sweat and tears. The one that will grow despite the hurt, the anger, the forgiving (on certain days) and the unforgiving (on worse days). Some days I leave the garden, I walk away, and never want to see it again. Other days I stay and fight against the weeds and the wildness of nature. Either way, the world spins, the sun shines, the rain falls, plants grow and die.
Thank you for all you do. Thank you for practicing acceptance and grace and love.
Thank you for posting this. It really struck a chord with me today. My family garden is beautiful and perfect for me, but I find myself not appreciating it as much as I know I should lately. It’s hard and tiring and needs SO MUCH water and love and attention. Sometimes I just want to walk away from this perfectly imperfect garden, other times I can’t believe my good fortune to call this life m own. Thank you for reminding me that all of these thoughts are OK.
It’s hard and tiring and needs SO MUCH water and love and attention. Amen. Yesterday my oldest flower needed so much water and love that I am dehydrated and empty. Yesterday at church we were told, “From your suffering comes greater good.” I think that is how I feel about being a wife and a mother most days.
I love all that you say, this post and all your others. I want/need to talk with you. I messed up bad, cheated and divorced after 28 years of marriage. Am remarried to a new husband. Now, 6 years later, my heart remains broken because my 2 sons and one daughter-in-law will not forgive me. Do you have any thoughts on how to help them heal? I have apologized many times in many ways and I continue to reach out to each of them in love. They do not speak to me, or acknowledge my existence . I also have a daughter and son-in-law who are lovingly a part of my life. My heart aches anew each and every day, my tears never stop.
Marti,
I have never been on that end of an experience like that, so I cant tell you I know how you feel, and I wont.
Let me share with you something that may help in your situation though…
My dad cheated on my mom, they divorce and he is on his 3rd wife after her fifth wife total right now. He bought me a fake id at fifteen and at 16 when I lived with him I worked jobs to pay for things we needed. He then abandoned me five months before I turned 18 after feeding me pills that made me blackout.
I have forgiven him because forgiveness is not for him, it is for me, for my soul.
But I still hold my distance with him and a big reason is that I never felt he truly understood what he did. He has apologized many times and very kindly and calmly, but in those apologies he never really got the effect it had on me or what it did.
The only advice I can give you from being on the opposite side of something like this is to get really vulnerable, and dive into the consequences, to be ready to be patient because their is no Neosporin for emotional hurt and remember that we will all naturally feel that people cant change what they dont acknowledge fully and if they feel there are things left unsaid or unknown they will still feel like there has been no change no matter how much change actually happens.
You can do this, we can all sister behind you as your strength. Carry on sister. With love- Jen
The two stories have some important differences though, your father’s actions went way beyond cheating and divorce and occurred while you were a child. I am not saying that adults can’t have pain or that consequences don’t occur however, at what point is it the pot calling the kettle black for a flawed child to hold a flawed parent to a higher standard than is achievable for themselves? People are not perfect, those children may end up in similar scenarios in life and now they have set the bar so high that it will be harder for themselves to give themselves grace and forgiveness. There is at some point a difference in the role of a parent and the role of a spouse and I can tell through personal experience that sometimes the worst spouses are still amazing parents and vv. It is a painful realization at times when we experience the worst part of the equation but denying this is denying a strange reality.
What if a sister is the one to decide she’s unhappy after a long marriage and then cheats on her faithful husband? G’s answer: then that sister is OUR sister and is forgiven without disclaimer – and that sister should go on and have a beautiful, beautiful life offering unconditional grace to whomever is lucky enough to cross her path. The end. I love you.
This made me cry.
In the best way possible.
Marti, I cheated and my daughter is the one who found out. She was 15 and already in the full throws of hormonal teenager hell!! While she has forgiven me for the most part, there have been some painful painful times. The guilt is tough for me. God has forgiven me but I’m not sure I have forgiven me. At the worst when I literally wanted to just leave her and run away, I reminded myself everyday that God is a redeemer. He will redeem these relationships. If not in this life then the next. That may seem like a long time away, but honestly it is how I got out of bed. One day all the pain I caused will be redeemed and so it is for you. You cannot make them forgive you, just know that God will make it right one day. Hold your head up – we are all human and all making mistakes some of them are just more visible … Continue to be available but there is no need to grovel. Best of luck to you
This.is.perfect!
This post took all the swirling thoughts in my head, organized them, and put them into one nice little box.
While in the depths of the stay/go decision making process, I’ve heard everything from “Where is your self respect?” to “You are acting with the maturity of a 12 year old little girl” to “All I hear about it your forgiveness, and your grace….all of that is bull#$&%….where is your dignity?”
The judgmental daggers, regardless of which direction they are being thrown, have to stop.
Thank you for this lovely post!
Thank you a million times. You are graced and I feel calmer when I read your words. I’m sorry for all you went through – but it seems that because of that you are able to spread such wisdom! For that I am grateful. Thank you.
You make so much damn sense. You are a treasure of a human and I love you.
Glennon, you are the breath that gives us air my sweet sister. Your choice to stay is a daily one I am sure. It doesn’t stop being a choice, just because it’s been decided. Let us remember that tender thing. I lift you up and call you brave and strong…and whisper, “carry on my warrior.. God’s grace is sufficient for us all. Now rest in that knowing.” And Thank you Thank you for baring your soul and bearing with us broken ones as we translate our own knowing…your my hero sister.
Such beautiful words Jamie. I hope you won’t mind if I take them too.
G,
Grace and acceptance have become routine for me. Thank you for being a part of that.
Jen
Sending this to my friend who is caught in making her own decision. I have been sistering her as much as I know how and this helps me sister her more. Hard decisions need hard love.
Thanks for loving all of us hard.
Dear Glennon,
I read this yesterday and think it is remarkably you.
“So what exactly is mercy? St Thomas Aquinas teaches that mercy is to have a pain in our heart over someone else’s pain and to take pains to relieve their pain. This is what God did for us in becoming man.”
You are a poster girl for Mercy my friend. God bless you and thank you for sharing your pain with us.
Love, Michelle
Just have to say, Glennon, the ONLY one who won’t betray you is God, not you. We have all betrayed ourselves by making self-destructive choices but God and only God always chooses what is is best for us.
” I and the Father/Mother are one.”
-Jesus
Could you explain a bit more what you meant by that response, Glennon? I had the same thought as Katie and I don’t know that I followed you with your answer.
Yep.
What I meant is that I believe that God is inside of me and outside of me- both. And that the God inside of me whispers to me in a still, small, voice that sounds like me- but a better, bigger, truer, deeper version of me- who will never lead me astray. And so when I refer to the deepest, truest me- I am referring to God- the divine inside me- inside each of us. That is the voice that won’t betray me or lead me astray. That is the voice of my deepest wisdom- universal wisdom – the Jesus voice, the God voice, G-D, or LOVE – as our atheist sisters and brothers would name it.
If we are willing to put semantics aside: we are talking about the same thing.
Love and Namaste-
G
Yes. This.
You may enjoy “Abba’s Child” if you haven’t already read it; by Brennan Manning. My spirit connected with your comment here in the same way as the raw musings in his book.
Thank you for this post. I don’t know where my road leads, but I am walking with Jesus and feel at peace.
Well said…❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️A million times plus!
Yes. When I acted in a way that appeared to be the most self-destructive and selfish way of my life, it was because I heard a voice inside of me telling me “this is the way. this is the ONLY way.” It was the surest voice I had ever heard. I listened to it. It blew up my marriage. Now my beloved ex-husband thanks me. He understands now too that it was the only way we would have let go of each other, and that we HAD to let go of each other, because we had held back our own personal growth in each other for years. We loved each other so much that we didn’t want to face that. I know it sounds illogical, but it makes perfect sense to us. He’s happily re-married to a woman who really fits him and encourages his growth in ways I never did or could. And I am happily single with a SO that lets me be me and loves and respects my messiness. We co-parent our children and they tell us they have the BEST family life of all of their friends, including the ones whose parents are still together, because we are all genuinely, authentically, ourselves. I know that voice was God, inside of my soul.
Reading through the book of John right now…so I’m having a hard time reconciling your thoughts here with what the Apostle John says…about our happiness/holiness…about obedience to His Word…and that , “still, small voice” inside us…the Holy Spirit, who being one with God, would never prompt us to make a choice contrary to God’s will for us (which is for our ultimate holiness and for His ultimate glory). Maybe staying in a bad marriage (not an abusive one) is His best for us? “To be filled with the Spirit is the same to be controlled by the Word. The Spirit of truth and the Word of truth to guide us into the will and work of God.”
Really?
Ah, my dear. Though not a believer myself I have studied and was raised a Christian. God makes no choices for you, god gives us freedom of choice and is there to have our back. The best choices we can make is to be logical and also trust our instincts that were given to is as a guide. God is no tourist guide for your soul, god is the soft voice we listen to while quiet. God does not tell us what we do each day but rather lights a path to make it easier to see. We listen in the quiet and look for the light, but we choose from their. No one will ever make the right choices all of the time, it is just not real to life. Carry on sister and trust yourself too.
J
There* darn autocorrect…