Last month, I was in a room with four hundred women, and we were laughing and crying and just BEING together. Halfway through our time together, a woman stood up and said, “Glennon, what would you say to help people understand the importance of being there for a friend who has lost a child? We lost our daughter, Ansley, seven years ago and most of our friends and family have just fallen away. Now on her birthday and Angel Day- I might receive a card or two. It’s just not enough. Our baby is gone and we need the people who knew her to talk to us about her, but they don’t. Everyone we loved is just silent about it. It makes me feel like Ansley is forgotten. It feels like the world is pretending she never existed.”
I just looked at her for a long moment. The room was completely silent. It was clear to everyone that this woman had single-handedly escorted the four hundred of us into the most important moment of the evening.
I finally said, “What is your name?”
She said, “Jessica.”
I said, “Jessica- you tell us. What would YOU tell people to do?”
And she said, “SHOW UP. Show up right away and then keep showing up. Don’t worry about saying the right thing, there is no right thing. Just say SOMETHING. Just tell us you haven’t forgotten. And say their name. It’s like people are afraid to remind me of her- as if I’m not already thinking about her every moment of every day. Everyone avoids her name- but we still need to hear their names spoken by people who loved them.”
I thanked Ansley’s mama for saying what we all needed to hear. For telling us that when it comes to tragedy- what a friend does is pull together all her brave and run towards the heartbreak and mightily resist the urge to try to fix it and instead just sit in it and soak up a little bit of the love and pain.
And then she says her name. Often. Because your friend is still Ansley’s mama, as certainly and surely and eternally and solidly as you are the mama of your babies. That’s who she STILL IS. Somehow now more than ever. She doesn’t know herself any other way and she doesn’t want to. And so when you don’t acknowledge that part of her, it’s like you’re not even there with her. She needs you to be there with her. With Ansley’s grieving mama.
I said, “Jessica. I don’t know what to say. But listen, I’ll tell you one thing. Ansley’s Angel Day is not going to pass silently this year. I know some people who would love nothing more than to stop and remember Ansley with you. They are the Monkees. You tell me Ansley’s date and then you visit us on her day. “
And Jessica cried and we all cried together – all four hundred of us – for the loss of a baby girl and the pain of a mother and the soothing balm of women who rush toward each other and sit and cry with each other and just give up on saying too many words at all.
Today is Ansley’s Angel Day- July 14. I imagine that Jessica will wake up this morning and look out her window and wonder how in the world it is that the world can keep spinning on the day that her own world died.
I would like for us to stop the world for a moment today to remember Ansley, to honor Jessica, and to hold space for all of our sisters’ great loss and pain and love. Let us do this in two ways:
- Please leave a comment here for Jessica. She will be reading today. Let us show her we cared enough to STOP today and say Ansley’s name. Let us tell her that she is not the only one who is feeling the width and depth today of the loss of Ansley. Also, in your comment- tell Jessica where you’re from. It makes the love feel more real when you can see that it’s covering the globe.
- Then please, in honor of Ansley and Jessica- call to mind a friend who has suffered a great loss and then reach out to her. If you can’t call her, email her. If you can’t email her, text her. Don’t let your lack of time or the perfect thing to say stop you. Just do it. Stop the world for a moment in honor of her. That’s what we do when we pause in the middle of a busy day to reach out to someone who is hurting. We say “to me, you are worth stopping the world for.”
MS-MD has donated $700 to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program in honor of Precious Ansley (who would have been a nine year old girl today) and in honor of her Warrior Mama, Jessica, and in honor of all of you who have lost your babies. I am stopping my world today to tell you that I have no perfect words. I am just here, and I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
G and TWMF
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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4,536 Comments
Ansley is a beautiful name and she is beautiful as well. I’m glad you were able to stand up and let your voice be heard. That is admirable. I too feel your pain. Losing my first and only baby, a girl, last year… It’s been awful. I’m grateful to have my hubs but people have also left me forgotten me etc. I don’t even get cards and that support is so needed. I hate feeling like no one cares that their world is so far removed from my own. It’d be nice if everyone could just love and not be afraid to be there. I hope you know you most definitely aren’t alone even though it sure can feel it. Love to you on this day. <3 Also I live in Arizona but am from Oregon originally. 🙂
God Bless Heather and her little baby girl.
Love,
G
Ansley is a beautiful name and it fits her so well as I look at the pictures. I know she is with you each day and whispers in your ear that she loves you. May you have a blessed day of memories and love.
I am for sure plant/ landscaping 101..maybe even 001. I would like to complement the front that doesn’t cover the porch but put something there maybe in threes of the three sections of railings. I love my front porch and I don’t want to cover it or hide it. I don’t want any big bushes but any ideas of what would compliment that area well..if it was your home, what would you do, with that area…ideas. sorry that I didn’t understand the question/idea.
Thank you lalala and mad galaca for the compliments.
Oh goodness, please delete. Don’t know how this came on my post. So sorry.
What a gorgeous child! Thinking of your whole family today, but as a fellow mother, I am mainly sending love and strength to you today.
Jessica, thank you for sharing Ansley with us. I’m so sorry for your loss, but so thankful you spoke this very question that was asked of me from another friend who suffered a loss of a loved one. I dont always have the right words for her, but I keep showing up for her and try to be there even though we are states apart, and I keep reaching out bc I love her and want her to know I’m there for her always. We are celebrating my son’s bday on Saturday and I’ll be saying a special prayer for Ansley on that day too! Sending you all the love I can, from Austin, Texas.
Jessica, I love seeing those pictures of Ansley. I love knowing the tiniest fraction of the LIFE that you carry with you everywhere. I know the ache of longing is just impossible. If I were sitting next to you, I’d ask you to tell me what her fingernails looked like, how she sounded when she laughed, how she slept, what she did that drove you nuts and all the “This one time…” stories that you have carried alone. I hope you find folks to ask you the questions and listen to the stories. If none are near you, you email me and I MEAN IT, sister! -Virginia (California)
May God comfort you today and all days to come, good and bad. God bless Ansley. I am from long Island, NY. I too have loss a child, my son Giovanni was only 14 when he passed away on October 18 , 2013.
Giovanni, Giovanni, Giovanni.
Love, G
Jessica,
We are thinking and talking about your sweet Ansley today in the Bay Area, CA. It is a sunny and warm day, praying you feel the warmth of your baby girl today and everyday after.
Dearest Jessica: my heart aches deeply for you today. I can’t even begin to imagine the magnitude of your loss. I have 2 beautiful children who are the center of my world. My heart aches and aches that God called your sweet angel home long before you ewer thought you’d have to let her go. I have tremendous respect for your courage and wisdom, reaching out to all of us to let us know how we can help others who are in or have been in your situation. Thank you for giving us a piece of your heart.
Jessica, I pray you feel not only the arms of those around you, but God’s arms of love and peace around your heart today. I lost my son December 14, 2011 and have had these same feelings since. Thank you for voicing them. Love and blessings to you and your family. (St Charles, Illinois)
God Bless Amy and her son.
Love, G
My heart goes out to you on this special day in remembrance of your precious daughter Ansley. Her pictures are adorable and I can tell in her eyes how much joy she brought to your family during her time here. I pray for you that each day you can find peace.
Huge hugs to you, Jessica.
Ansley is a precious daughter; thank you so much for sharing her that night, and today with us.
Hugs, Vivian (Toronto, Canada)
Such a lovie – peace, love, and strength to Ansely, her mommy, and all of her family.
My thoughts & prayers are with you today Jessica!!!
Your precious Ansley is not forgotten!!! Much love
to you all!!! (Portage, Michigan)
Prayers to you and your family.
Sending a prayer from Oregon for you and your angel.
Jessica, I am holding space for you and your family today, and grieving with you and celebrating beautiful Ansley’s life today. I’m praying for light and peace for you. With love from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Wishing you peace and comfort. You and sweet Ansley are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you much love on your sweet Ansleys angel day. We are all here for you. You are so strong, even when you feel weak.
Stephanie (alaska)
Sending you much love today as you remember your beautiful daughter.
Dear Jessica, it’s been cloudy all day where I live. As I read Momastery and how your courage and strength in vulnerability brought the room to silence with your penetrating question and insistence on Ansley’s presence in memory, the sun shone forth. So I thought I would join with the others to remember Ansley and speak of her with you. If you read this comment, I hope you will remember the silliest or funniest moment you had with Ansley. I hope her giggles, laughter and smile will be present to you and that you can share that with those you love and consider Ansley’s family. Leonard Cohen, a fellow Canadian and wise elder wrote in his song, Anthem:
Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.
May the light shine forth and the bells ring out for Ansley and for you!
Jessica you are surrounded by thoughts of peace, love and joy today as you remember the blessing of your beautiful Angel Ansley. Virtual hugs coming your way from Dallas TX.
I just wrote Ansley’s name on my arm so I can think of her all day on this her Angel Day. God bless you, Jessica.
Amy (New Jersey)
Jessica – thank you for sharing, for being brave and reminding me that I don’t need to have the “right” words. Thinking of you and your sweet daughter Ansley today – sending much love and prayers your way.
Rachel (Nashville)
Jessica, thinking of you and your precious Ansley today. I can’t imagine losing my own little one – just thinking of your loss makes me cry. Know that you are held tight in my heart today.
From Sevierville, TN
Jessica, thinking of you and Ansley today. Much love to you and your family. Renee (Milwaukee)
Jessica,
May you be able to close your eyes and feel Ansley’s soft little hand in yours and recall her giggle as if she is wriggling in your lap and laughing in your ear. Blessings on your family and your friends, who struggle to know what to say, or how to show up. And thank you, for your brave question, and Glennon for this brave blog post, so that the rest of us who have found it easier to cry alone for our friends, can reach out once again.
Love,
Kristy (Newton, Massachusetts)
Thank you for sharing your words and feelings about this, Jessica. Thinking of you and Ansley today and sending love from Quebec, Canada
Much love Momma. I’m sure Ansley is looking down in you smiling. Watch for a sign,love.
Thinking of you from California, and your beautiful girl with the beautiful name.
Sending my love and peace to you today, from Colorado Springs, CO
Love, strength, gratitude, and peace is coming to you from Middletown, New York.
*to you AND Ansley!
Oh Jessica I pray God is with you as you mourn your beautiful Ansley.
Amanda
I am holding space in my heart today for Ansley and for you. May you know loving kindness (from Alameda, CA).
Dear Jessica- I am so sorry for the loss of your prescious Ansley-i will keep you both in my heart and prayers daily..what a beautiful child!
In memory of Ansley-blessings to all of you on this day, from Greenville, SC.
So much love to you Jessica… holding you and Ansley in my heart at this very moment. Thank you for for showing me how to stop the world for this moment (and many more) to feel the love that is here. Thank you, Amanda (Philadelphia)
Sending thoughts and prayers to you on this difficult day. May you find peace in you memories of your beautiful Ansley today on her Angel Day. (New Hampshire)
Remembering Ansley, your beautiful daughter, today… and her courageous family who continue on with her in their hearts, but not in their arms. May God grant you peace and good thoughts on this very difficult day.
Jessica – thank you for sharing pictures of your beautiful daughter Ansley with us. I will see her sweet face every time I lose patience with my children for being children – life is too short and often too brutal. But in Ansley, brutiful. I can’t fathom the depth of your loss, but I grieve with you. On days other than her birthday and her angel day, we mommas will think of her. I hope that brings you some comfort. You are as loved as you loved her. -Sarah (Florida)
Jessica, I’m thinking of you and your beautiful Ansley today. (North Carolina)
I don’t believe I’ve ever seen a more beautiful child! Everything about her is so perfect. I do understand your pain of empty arms – my precious baby died 34 years ago and I still miss her. I pray you have faith, that one day (not now, in the future) you will have your Mother and Child Reunion. Until then, live for her, make memories for her, that you can share with her in Heaven!
God Bless Tammy and her precious baby.
Love, G
Thinking of you and your beautiful Ansley xxx (All the way from the UK) x
Thinking of you and your little girl today.
I just want you to know that I am thinking of you and your sweet daughter Ansley today. I talked to my daughter Lucy, who is 9, about Ansley. I don’t know you and I can’t begin to imagine the pain you have suffered without your sweet girl. Just want you to know that we are thinking about you and Ansley and that my little girl Lucy and I said a prayer for both of you today. Thank you for your bravery and for teaching all of us that we need to just “show up”. Love from Virginia, Rae&Lucy
What a beautiful name, Ansley, and what an adorable little girl. My heart goes out to you and your family on this, Ansley’s angel day. Sending a hug out to you from Ontario, Canada.
Sending you love and peace today…
Jessica,
Ansley was a beautiful little girl. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending love and light your way from Pensacola, Florida.
Natasha
Thinking of you and your sweet Ansely today. Praying you have a day where you are just allowed to be and feel and that you have someone by your side that will let you do that.
Ashley – Atlanta
(I was there the night you shared Ansley’s story)
Hi Jessica. I am thinking about you and Ansley today! What a super cute little girl. I lost my 3 year Sydney in a plane crash 6 years ago. This Saturday is her annual Luau that I hold on her birthday every year to gather all of my family and friends and remember her and to celebrate life’s joys. I know the pains and the longing that will always be there and the smiles that your daughter still brings. I love how cute Ansley’s brown hair is and how much love shines through her eyes. How blessed you are to be her mom. Sending you hugs from Thomasville, GA. Shine On!
Sydney, Sydney, Sydney.
Love,
G
thoughts & ((((Hugs)))) to you as you remember your precious Ansley. As we are fast approaching the 1 year angelversary of our precious Scarlet, we are sister’s in the grieving of those that are no longer with us. God bless you & your family
Scarlet, Scarlet, Scarlet.
Love, G
Jessica, may your little Ansley rest in peace and rise in glory. (Mississippi)
Jessica, you and Ansley and all who loved her are in my thoughts today. I wish you peace and comfort, and the support of your friends.
Much love to you and your family and beautiful Ansley. Thank you for sharing the pictures of her and your story. Love from Attleboro, Massachusetts
Thinking of all of you and Ansley on this day.
Thinking of you, Jessica and your sweet daughter. I hope you find some comfort knowing that others are caring for you as a mother and for Ansley as a precious girl whose time with you was unthinkably short.
I hope that the people in your life will come back to you in a way that feels more supportive and that you will also reach out to them to ask for what you need.
Erin (Atlanta)
Your daughter Ansley is beautiful. Keeping your family in our prayers today on her angel day. (Miami)
Sending love for you and your family and especially your beautiful Ansley. May you never feel alone on this or any day. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and hope that you may find some peace and comfort.
Jessica- I am holding you and your Ansley in my heart today. She mattered. You matter. I am over here in Seattle thinking of you. xoxo
I cannot begin to imagine the depths of your loss. I am so desperately sorry. I will hold you and Ansley close in my prayers tonight. I place important dates on my electronic calendar and set the reminder to repeat every year without end. You and your precious Ansley will forever remain on my calendar on July 14th, Ansley’s Angel Day. God Bless.
I am surrounding you and your loved ones in much love and light on this day. Ansley, what a precious and perfect soul, you will never be forgotten. May you find peace in your heart that Ansley and you are all so very loved. Lindsey (Georgia)
Jessica,
I’m so sorry you lost your beautiful sweet Ansley girl. What a tragedy. I sometimes hate how broken this world is and wish that it wasn’t this way. But in grieving my own loss (I lost my sweet mama last year at the young at of 61) I realize that this brokenness is really how we learn to love one another better, be kinder to one another, to be more gentle with one another, and to do all of these things for ourselves ( love ourselves better, be kinder to ourselves, and to be more gentle to ourselves). I am so sorry that your friends and family haven’t known how to show up for you. I hope that today you see that Ansley is not forgotten and that there is a community of people showing up for you. We see you, we hear you, we grieve with you and for you. I hope you feel Ansley around you everywhere today. Know that you are loved.
Rebecca
I’m in Portland, OR
Jessica,
I am thinking of you today and your beautiful Ansley.
Beth (Massachusetts)
Thinking of you and your angel today. I’m sitting here not knowing what to say or do. I have sent up a prayer for you and your family. And now I’m going to reach out to a friend who has just suffered a loss, so that she knows that she is not alone. Bless you.
Ansley and you are not forgotten. Thinking of you Jessica and your sweet Ansley today. Much love – Jenny Mae (Oklahoma)
Words aren’t enough to stop the pain, but hopefully the chorus lets you know you’re not alone. Thinking of you, Jessica, and all the parents who have lost children. I am so sorry.
Thinking of you and your sweet Ansley today from Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. May you be wrapped in peace and comfort today and every day as you miss her.
Blessed angel day Ansley. Love to mama Jessica from ft worth tx. My angel Juliet is there with you baby. God how I miss her.
Juliet, Juliet, Juliet.
Love, G
Thinking of you, Jessica, and your precious child Ansley today. Prayers of grace, and love, and the comfort of memories to carry you through. I will say Ansley’s name over and over today in her honor. She is not forgotten!
Thank you for waking me up to how insensitive I have been even though unintentionally. God bless you and your Ansley. May she live forever in the hearts of all who knew her and may they wake up and tell you how they feel.
God has given us the terrible blessing of having been close to several families who have lost children, a couple of them classmates and friends to our own kids. This has taught me that recalling and sharing memories with them is like balm, encouraging and lifting their hearts just a bit. One mom just recently said after I shared a funny story about her oh-so-funny son, “It’s so good to know he’s not forgotten. Thank you.” No, thank YOU for letting us share a bit of your burden, and in doing so making us better and kinder. Blessings on your house.
Ansley, what a beautiful name! Jesus gets the privledge to see your sweet face each day. Today, with your brave mama we remember all the wonder and beauty in that sweet face.
I’m a daughter whose mom died much too young. I just asked her (Judy is her name) to whisper a prayer for Ansley. Who knows – maybe we just brought them together, too.
Pausing to remember Ansley in Raleigh, NC
Thinking of Jessica and Ansley and everyone in their family who missed that sweet girl today and everyday. Many hugs and prayers to you all. Charleston, SC
Sending caring thoughts from Baltimore.
Hugs and prayers to you Jessica on this day. Your precious Ansley and your story touches many. A wonderful friend shared this link with me as I too know the terrible pain of losing a child. Our daughter Avery had been gone about a year and a half. What you described in that room of women was sooooo on point. Thank you Jessica and Ansley for giving all grieving parents a very loud voice.
Fairfax, VA
Your family is remembered and prayed for today, this most tender of days. May you feel the arms of your community at large holding you up as you walk through this day and the days to come. You are so not alone! Thank you for bringing a voice to the lament of so many wounded warriors. Peace sister!
Thinking of you on Ansely’s Angel Day. God be with you and your family! Sending you blessings and love.
Ansley. You are not forgotten, sweet girl. And Jessica–and the whole precious circle of love that surrounds you–you are not forgotten either. I am holding you and your daughter in the Light today. My baby girl just turned nine last month, so I feel a particular connection to you and your loss. I will hold her extra tight tonight. And I will tell her Ansely’s name. We will say it together when we say our prayers.
Oh, and I’m in Pittsburgh!
From one mama to another, you are not alone. Sending love from Houston, Texas all the way to you, your family, and your beautiful Ansley. I know your pain all to well. We lost our son at 39 weeks gestation, and I think about him every moment of every day. Thank you for saying what we all want, what we all need – we need our babies to be remembered by others. To show that they did exist, and not just to us. We need to hear their names. Ansley. Owen, that’s my son’s name.
With love,
Melissa C.
Owen, Owen, Owen.
Love, G
Prayers and love for your darling baby girl and for you, a loving mom who never stops loving, remembering, and holding her.
Remembering Ansley, may love and comfort surround you always. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love from Bar Harbor, Maine.
What a beautiful daughter! Remembering Ansley and holding you both in my heart today…peace from New Hampshire
Jessica, I am saying a prayer for you on Ansley’s angel day. It looks like from your photos, Ansley was a very special little lady and I wish I could have known her!
Thank you for standing up in that church to bravely start this conversation. Because of you, I followed the link to the sudden death in childhood organization and began to learn more–you are bringing visibility to that community of people.
Thinking of your little Ansley today and saying a prayer for your peace. Hugs to you and your family from Missouri.
Becky
Ansley is a beautiful name. Thinking of Jessica from Indiana!
Thinking of you and Ansley today and sending much love and prayers from London, England.
Hugs to you Jessica. I respect your ability to stand up and ask for what you need. That is a skill I am trying to learn for myself, so you’ve already helped me out. Thank you. Ansley is a beautiful name that I fills me with peace and light each time i say it. She is an angel for sure. XO XO – Meredith
Ansley’s legacy, reaching nations while your heart bears the ache! Thank you for sharing such a potent message to our hearts!
Jessica, thinking of you and your beautiful daughter, Ansley, today. Prayers of love and comfort coming to you and your family from Artesia, CA.
Linda
Dear Jessica, I tried to find the perfect words to say to you, but there are no perfect words. Instead, know that I am “holding space” for you and Ansley today. Sending hugs from one mother to another from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Ansley is beautiful and we are thinking of you today in Maine!
Ansley is such a beautiful name and she is such a beautiful little girl. Hold your memories of her in your heart tightly always and know that I said a prayer for you to have strength today and always.
Thank you, Jessica for speaking up and for teaching us what is needed. So many are scared and don’t know what to do. Thank you for taking the time to speak out of your need and enlighten us about how to show love, how to help you and others who have lost children. I think the biggest question mark most people have is: what should I say, how can I help? I know you experienced every parent’s biggest nightmare and I am so, so sorry for you. My heart breaks for you that you. Ansley is not forgotten….and neither are you. May you feel the love today. Love from Farmington, Minnesota
Hugs to you Jessica and the family. I really wish I could have met and known Ansley.
Jessica, your story hits very close to home…I have dear friends who have lost young children to drowning; I have been present in the final moments as a friend rocked her child, his tiny body finally succumbed to the same fate as his once-vital brain; as a pastor, my husband has offered comfort and presided over the most untimely of funerals; as a neonatal nurse, I have held the hands and wiped the tears of new mothers whose babies would not survive; and, interestingly, I have a very special little girl in my life named Ansley. Your story hits close to home and close to heart. On this notable day in your life, please know that you are not alone in your anguish over the loss of precious time with your sweet angel. While we may not always know the right thing to say, shared experiences provide a measure of comfort for the endless hurt that individual experiences bring. Your opportunity to share this experience in Ansley’s memory provides insight and understanding for countless others who may encounter similar situations. Her life is honored by the impact she has on all of us! Grace and peace to you today!
Ansley is beautiful. She is a beautiful angel who lives on in your hearts and now in ours too. God bless you all.
Jessica,
Ansley has a beautiful, courageous brave mother in you. Jessica, thank you for stepping up, speaking up and SHOWING UP for Ansley, yourself and all of the other mama Warrior Monkeys out there hurting today. May you feel the love sent your way from Osage Beach, MO.
Thinking of you and your sweet Ansley on her angel day. Alison (Missouri)