Last month, I was in a room with four hundred women, and we were laughing and crying and just BEING together. Halfway through our time together, a woman stood up and said, “Glennon, what would you say to help people understand the importance of being there for a friend who has lost a child? We lost our daughter, Ansley, seven years ago and most of our friends and family have just fallen away. Now on her birthday and Angel Day- I might receive a card or two. It’s just not enough. Our baby is gone and we need the people who knew her to talk to us about her, but they don’t. Everyone we loved is just silent about it. It makes me feel like Ansley is forgotten. It feels like the world is pretending she never existed.”
I just looked at her for a long moment. The room was completely silent. It was clear to everyone that this woman had single-handedly escorted the four hundred of us into the most important moment of the evening.
I finally said, “What is your name?”
She said, “Jessica.”
I said, “Jessica- you tell us. What would YOU tell people to do?”
And she said, “SHOW UP. Show up right away and then keep showing up. Don’t worry about saying the right thing, there is no right thing. Just say SOMETHING. Just tell us you haven’t forgotten. And say their name. It’s like people are afraid to remind me of her- as if I’m not already thinking about her every moment of every day. Everyone avoids her name- but we still need to hear their names spoken by people who loved them.”
I thanked Ansley’s mama for saying what we all needed to hear. For telling us that when it comes to tragedy- what a friend does is pull together all her brave and run towards the heartbreak and mightily resist the urge to try to fix it and instead just sit in it and soak up a little bit of the love and pain.
And then she says her name. Often. Because your friend is still Ansley’s mama, as certainly and surely and eternally and solidly as you are the mama of your babies. That’s who she STILL IS. Somehow now more than ever. She doesn’t know herself any other way and she doesn’t want to. And so when you don’t acknowledge that part of her, it’s like you’re not even there with her. She needs you to be there with her. With Ansley’s grieving mama.
I said, “Jessica. I don’t know what to say. But listen, I’ll tell you one thing. Ansley’s Angel Day is not going to pass silently this year. I know some people who would love nothing more than to stop and remember Ansley with you. They are the Monkees. You tell me Ansley’s date and then you visit us on her day. “
And Jessica cried and we all cried together – all four hundred of us – for the loss of a baby girl and the pain of a mother and the soothing balm of women who rush toward each other and sit and cry with each other and just give up on saying too many words at all.
Today is Ansley’s Angel Day- July 14. I imagine that Jessica will wake up this morning and look out her window and wonder how in the world it is that the world can keep spinning on the day that her own world died.
I would like for us to stop the world for a moment today to remember Ansley, to honor Jessica, and to hold space for all of our sisters’ great loss and pain and love. Let us do this in two ways:
- Please leave a comment here for Jessica. She will be reading today. Let us show her we cared enough to STOP today and say Ansley’s name. Let us tell her that she is not the only one who is feeling the width and depth today of the loss of Ansley. Also, in your comment- tell Jessica where you’re from. It makes the love feel more real when you can see that it’s covering the globe.
- Then please, in honor of Ansley and Jessica- call to mind a friend who has suffered a great loss and then reach out to her. If you can’t call her, email her. If you can’t email her, text her. Don’t let your lack of time or the perfect thing to say stop you. Just do it. Stop the world for a moment in honor of her. That’s what we do when we pause in the middle of a busy day to reach out to someone who is hurting. We say “to me, you are worth stopping the world for.”
MS-MD has donated $700 to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program in honor of Precious Ansley (who would have been a nine year old girl today) and in honor of her Warrior Mama, Jessica, and in honor of all of you who have lost your babies. I am stopping my world today to tell you that I have no perfect words. I am just here, and I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
G and TWMF
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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4,536 Comments
Thinking of you and your beautiful Ansley today from WI
Jessica,
Your daughter Ansley is beautiful.
with love from Austin
Jessica,
Thinking of you and Ansley today and all the other moms who have experienced the unimaginable loss of a child. Thank you for helping the rest of us understand how you feel and what we can do. My love is with you!
Elizabeth
Cincinnati, OH
Thinking of you and your family today Jessica and your sweet Ansley. I will hug my boys a little tighter today because of you. Thank you for sharing.
Kim from Chicago, IL
Holding you, your beautiful daughter, Ansley, and your family in the light. Thank you for your brave words that will continue to help so many.
Much love from another dragon mama,
Dania in Greensboro, NC
Wishing a Blessed Angel day to you and your sweet Ansley. She is looking down on you with love and we are opening our hearts to you from Minnesota.
Jessica, I am with you in spirit today. I know something about how you miss Ansley every single day of your life. I lost my firstborn, Ricky, with leukaemia in January 1960. He was 3-1/2 years old. I have moved several times so many of my friends never knew Ricky. However, my grown children, my Grandchildren and my one sister who is still living often talk about him. That is SO good! Keeping his memory alive — so many years later — is very important to me. And having his pictures displayed help new friends to “know” him. God bless you and the memory of your little Ansley!
Edmonton, Alberta
Canada
Thinking of you & hoping very happy memories with Ainsley fill every moment today.
Jessica,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you and your angel Ansley today. I wanted to share this quote with you, it brought me comfort after suffering a miscarriage in January: “I believe that there are some souls who are simply too good for this world. While those of us living, learning, and growing on this earth are here to learn important lessons and be tested on them, there are those who are simply so perfect that they don’t need this schoolroom we call mortality. They bypass this imperfect world or spend only a little time here and then return home to that perfect sphere from which our spirits come.”
God Bless you and your family,
Reinalyn
Jessica, Ansley is not forgotten, nor are you. Love and hugs from Fairhope, AL.
Jessica, your sweet Ansley has touched my heart. Praying for comfort as you must miss her so very much. Thank you for reminding us to keep showing up for our friends who are in pain. My heart breaks for you… from MD.
Jessica,
I too am a babyloss momma. My daughter, Caris AnnaBelle, passed at 6 days old February 5, 2011. I have spent the past 3 years feeling the same way you do. People never stay. People don’t say her name. I do dvery single day. I pray for her every single night. She was my first baby and I was lost for a very, very long time. I’ve actually just started grief counseling. Tonight is my second appointment.
Thank you for your courage to speak. Thank you for Ansley. Thank you for bringing her into this world and loving her like your soul was on fire. Our baby girls are together. Ansley and Caris. I’m adding her to my daily prayer list. I will say her name every day <3
Ansley…what a beautiful name and what a beautiful child. Thinking of her and you in Iowa.
What a beautiful angel your Ansley is. Lifting you both up today!
Jessica, may you find some peace knowing that your angel is not forgotten, not by you or by any other angel momma out there. May she fly high and celebrate her speical day in heaven today! Ansley a beautiful name and little girl! Many hugs to you and your family!
Pamela
Sending love and light from New Hampshire!
Thank you, Jessica, for sharing Ansley with us. You are a beloved mother!
Hi Jessica thinking of you and your beautiful Ansley today from Long Island, New York! Happy Birthday in heaven to your angel. 12 years ago my baby son Francis Patrick died. He is in my heart today, he is in my heart every day. Yet I work, love, laugh, and live. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings you have yet try to be gentle on yourself and on your remaining loved ones. They really do not understand. They do not know how to show you that that care, even though they do care. They do think about you and your baby girl. Blessings to you my friend. Love, Janet
Dear Jessica, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby girl Ansley. My daughter is just a few months younger than Ansley would be, and I will give her an extra hug today in loving memory of Ansley and in gratitude to you for telling us what we can do to honor you and your baby.
Thinking of you and Ansley in Newtown, CT.
Thinking of you and Ansley today…
Livonia, New York
Jessica,
Ansley is beautiful. I wish I could have known her. I am thinking of you and her today. Holding you in God’s light.
A fellow mom but one who has not walked the journey you have.
Kelley
Dayton, Ohio
Jessica, Ainsley’s mama, unmet friend –
Hugs to you today and every day. Your baby girl is beautiful and my heart aches for your loss. I’d love to know more about her – what did she love, what made her laugh, what makes YOU laugh to remember it?
Here in Ashburn VA I am sending a prayer for you and every mama who has lost a child. And thanking God that you spoke up and can help teach us what to do in the most terrible of circumstances when we feel lost and unsure of how to help, how to be there. I think Ainsley’s Angel Day should be a national day of remembrance and education!
May her memory be a blessing. Thank you for the lesson.
Love from California
Jessica,
Praying with you and loving you and Ansley from Ashburn, VA!
Thanks for your courage!
with thoughts and prayers and strong loving arms for Jessica, Ansley and your “we”. So much strength for you today Jessica. And so much love for Ansley from Buffalo, MN.
Oh Jessica, I am holding space for you today and saying Ansley’s name out loud. I am so sorry that your sweet daughter is not right there with you. Praying that you will see a sign today that she is never far away. I know that signs are not good enough, that her being with you is the only thing that would be good enough. Still, I pray for a little nudge from heaven just for you. With much love, Liz
Sweet Ansley is remembered right here and right now in Hickory, NC. May you feel the love of this community as we hurt with you. Praying for you on what must be the hardest of hard days. Peace be with you sweet Warrior.
Thinking of you today, Jessica, and your sweet little girl Ansley.
Jessica, your love for Ansley and her love for you lives on. And now more and more of us will remember her. I wish you peace and joy in remembering her.
Stopping my world for Ansley. Tears for you, Mama Jessica, from Silver Point, TN xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
prayers and hugs for you!
Jessica, I’m a Jessica too! I live in Murray, Utah, a suburb of Salt Lake City. Ansley is beautiful. You are loved. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child and hope I never will have to experience it. But I do feel your pain too. I cried when reading your story. I bet Ansley is still with you. I bet she watches you and cries with you. Our angels are never far away. My dad died when I was 5 years old and I can still feel his presence when I need it. Hang in there and remember her always, there is no need to ever forget those we love who have left us.
Thank you for sharing about Ansley and she is with you in everything that you do. I too have lost a child. And my nephew was taken from us threw the hands of a monster so I know the pain and sorrow and everything in between just know that little Ansley is not forgotten and never will be you will always be her momma and she will always be your sweet angel
From Lamar Missouri
Jessica – Thinking of you today, and thanking you for the reminder to reach out to those that have lost.
Jessica, thank you for sharing about Ansley. Holding space for you today in Goshen, Indiana.
Jessica, I’m praying for you now and my children and I will be remembering you and Ansley in our prayers after dinner. Thank you for sharing this important message. I will be reaching out to friends this week in your honor. Sending love from San Mateo, CA.
Remembering Ansley today and praying for you and Shane. Xo
Jessica, holding space for you today on Ansley’s Angel Day. Fellow Monkee from Goshen, Indiana.
Hi Jessica! Your Ansley was born just three days after my twins and on the birthday of the aunt I named one of them after. And so I remember Ansley today and believe I will remember her for years to come. With love…in Connecticut
Jessica, blessings to you from Texas. I have just recently met my first Ansley but now when I see her again I will remember your Ansley and send a blessing your way. I also will contact an old friend who lost a baby and I was unable to be there for her because I didn’t know what to say and today I will say something…thank you for your courage and for being Ansely’s mom. Blessings to you and your family. With love, Julie
Jessica, I am thinking about sweet Ansley today. Thank you for sharing her with us. It takes courage to speak of grief and to ask for what you need to continue on. Many thanks and keep on living for Ansley and for yourself. -Jennifer, Orlando, Florida
Saying a prayer for you Jessica. May you feel the love and comfort of God now and always. Harriet from Greensboro, North Carolina.
Jessica, Ansley is spoken about. Today. By so many.
I honour for breaking the silence about this taboo, it is my intent with the Grieving Parents Support Network. “It is time to educate society on how to support the grieving.”
All Love, Nathalie Himmelrich, Switzerland
Dear Jessica,
Thank you for sharing your beautiful Ansley with the world, and for teaching us what’s needed when someone has loses their baby like you did. We are here with you now and your baby girl is not forgotten.
Sending you love and light from Louisville, Kentucky.
xx
Bridget
Jessica,
Sending hugs and support of love and strength to you and your sweet Angel Ansley <3 May all of these compassionate thoughts on this page wrap you in arms of healing and love as you celebrate your beautiful daughter today and years to come. May her star in the sky shine the brightest tonight as she feels all the love and birthday kisses you are sending her.
Much love,
Leslie <3
Reaching out to you today to honor Ansley and send love to you both. It means so much to me to be a part of this – and I appreciate your honesty regarding what you REALLY needed. What a beautiful little girl – and a beautiful mother. Peace and love to you from Richmond, Virginia
Ansley is loved and her name is spoken. You are both in my heart tonight.
Prayers and tears like soft rain
From Kilkenny, Ireland
Hugs to you Jessica. Ansley is beautiful and I’m so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you both today and sending hugs from southern California.
Jessica, you are a mother. You will always be a mother, and for that the world is a better place. All our best to you and your family.
Jessica, thank you for being our teacher. Sending love, light, and peace to you on Aynsley’s Angel Day from Chandler, AZ
Jessica’s, thinking of you, and your beautiful Ansley. Love and hugs from NC
I’ve been reading this whilst my 6 month old baby girl is peacefully sleeping in my arms. She is my third rainbow. I am feeling your pain- it cramps in my stomach! I wish I’d have words of comfort for you, for all of us.
Sending you and your family love and light
Bless you Jessica. Sending love and peace to you. Ansley is remembered today. From Nigeria.
Jessica, Your story is one shared my many. Those of us that have not suffered such a loss often struggle for words to console you and others who have lost a child. What we need to understand is that we do not need to console you but just acknowledge your feelings of loss and grief. I have a fiend who lost her daughter Layla to Trisomy 18 and I know Racheal sometimes feels like people are telling her to just move on. People just don’t understand how great the loss is and always will be. Thank You for sharing your story of the loss of your daughter Ansley hopefully we all will have a better understanding on what we can do.
Jessica,
I’m sorry for your loss. You were so brave to stand up and confront what many of us feel after losing a child/baby/pregnancy…the elephant in the room. Only that feeling deepens year after year as though they’re forgotten and we shouldn’t talk about that child anymore. You were and always will be the Momma of beautiful Ainsley. Keep talking about her often to keep her spirit alive. I commend you for your strength and bravery and only hope I can follow your footsteps. God Bless you and your angel.
Vicki, NC
We are thinking of you today and loving you today, Jessica, and sweet angel Ansley. Thank you reminding all of us warriors that we need to just SHOW UP for each other no matter how hard it is.
It is so difficult for people to know how to navigate a relationship with someone who’s lost a child. Fifteen months ago, we lost our precious Nicholas Edward when he was one day old, born after a healthy, full-term pregnancy. The grief just consumes you, and people tend to retreat because you are living their worst nightmare. Of course, that only makes it worse for us who ARE living a nightmare.
Today, know you are NOT alone, and that there are hundreds of Monkees sending you love and support and prayers and good energy from all around the country. Here in Cincinnati, Ohio, we will light a candle in honor of Ansley and pray that she and Nicholas and all of our lost children will find each other in heaven and help us find each other on earth.
Love.
Meg
Jessica, sending love and prayers to you from Pennsylvania!
Hi Jessica, I am honored to help you remember Ansley on this day and many more. I find the same thing happening in our life a well. We lost our baby Lillien at 6 weeks.
I am from Roanoke, Virginia.
Dear Jessica,
I pray for you and your family and your sweet, precious girl, Ansley. Thank you for teaching me how to remember the death of a child and thank you for speaking out. I cry for you and Ansley today as I cannot imagine the pain you are in. I pray for all those moms and dads who have lost a child. I will hug my three perfect boys and my newborn sweet baby girl extra hard today. Thank you for sharing your story.
Love from Hong Kong
Jessica,
Your beautiful bond with your baby girl continues beyond this earthly life. I pray that you will be comforted as you grieve. Much love to you and your family, thank you for speaking out so we can be aware of what our grieving friends need.
Thinking of you and Ansley today and wishing comfort for your heart. The pictures of her are just adorable. Thank you for sharing so we can better support and love others during the hard times.
Love,
Mandy from Minnesota
Jessica- love and prayers coming to you from Raleigh, NC. Thank you for opening up about the loss of your precious Ansley and teaching all of us how we can be there.
Thinking of you today on Ansley’s Angel Day. I lost my baby girl on May 10th of this year and although we haven’t made it a year yet, I hope that people will recognize her on her Angel Day as well as her birthday (April 1st).
Lots of love, hugs, and positive thoughts coming your way from one warrior mom to another.
Heather (south Saint Paul, MN)
Jessica – sending light and love from Cincinnati, Ohio. xx
Your story and the face of your beautiful daughter has really touched me today. I am sending healing, loving thoughts to you today. I saw in the gravestone picture that she shared a birthday with one of my own children. And so when his day rolls around again, I assure you I will once again remember your daughter and you and will send blessings your way. thank you for sharing your story. Much love to you from Indiana!
You are so brave for opening your heart and sharing those words with all of us. Your daughter is not forgotten. Look at all of her light still shining here today. Sending love to surround you, and hoping you feel your Ansley’s sunshine around you today, and all days. Blessings from the heart of one mom to another.
Ansley is always with you. Sharing this story will make the world a better place in some small way. We all need reminded and/or taught how to help those who grieve such tragic losses. Thank you Ansley. God bless your family with peace and love.
Jessica, thinking of you and Ansley in Boonsboro, MD!!
I wanted to let you know that Ansley and your family are in our thoughts and prayers in Indiana. I never know what to say to people who have suffered a loss, but you have taught me to be present regardless. I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss. May you find some peace on Ansley’s Angel Day.
God bless you today and each day. God sometimes gives us sweet babies for just a little while ,why I don.t understand .but we lost a great gran a few mo;s ago . as I remember her ,I will also remember your sweet little Ansley. Sweet <3 's from Georgia.
Thinking of you and your family!!! And precious Ansley!!! From Spencer John’s family =)
Thinking of you and your beautiful Ansley.
Jessica, I’m so sorry you have to have this day. It’s awful. And I’m sorry that no one gets it. I’m sure I don’t. But I’m glad you were brave enough to speak up and tell everyone what you needed, and that I get to help give it to you. I’m thinking of you and Ansley today.
Jessica:
I am in the Atlanta and I was in the audience the night that you spoke with Glennon. I am praying for you and Ansley today.
Your words really touched me and made me realize that I although I was not forgetting that I was not saying anything, I hadn’t said a word in years. I have a dear friend who lost her 20 year old brother almost 10 years ago and since moved from Atlanta to California. To finally say something (and tell her that I still remember), I visited his grave and left flowers for him. I sent her a note that I went and visited him. I appreciate your words giving me courage to do this. I would not have been brave enough to do it if I was not at Trinity that night.
Take care and I will think of you and Ansley often.
Grace
Ansley is remembered today from Lexington, Kentucky and I am lifting you, Jessica in a prayer for peace in your heart.
Kim
Jessica, you, your family and little Ansely are on my heart today. I can’t imagine the pain this day brings to you. Know that I am bearing a bit of it with you.
Jennifer in Louisville, ky
Thinking of you and your sweet girl, Ansley. I hope you feel surrounded by love as we remember your little girl today.
from San Diego, Ca
I am so sorry you lost your sweet Ansley, Jessica. What a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Sending love and prayers for you right now from Grand Haven, Michigan.
Ansley is still loved, as are you. ((hugs))
Jessica, we are standing with you, remembering your precious Ansley. And the fact that you are able to get out of bed each morning after the loss of your little girl is a triumph like no other.
Dearest Jessica,
I am in Huntsville, Al helping you miss your precious Ansley today and every day. I hope you can feel my hug from there.
Mary Pat
Thinking of you and your family today. Wishing that Ansley’s memory bless your family and all that knew her. Thank you for asking this essential question and being Ansley’s mom.
Thinking of you and your precious Ansley today in Sarasota, Fl. Lifting you in prayer. She is NOT forgotten and you are an amaZing mom, woman and warrior. Xo
I’m sure today is a hard day, Jessica. Thank you for sharing your story and Ansley’s Angel Day. I’m thinking of you from California (USA), and will remember your story as I try to be a loving, supportive presence for friends in need.
Jessica, I am sitting here looking at these pictures of your precious, gorgeous Ansley, and I am holding you tightly in my heart from NM to where you are. You are so loved, and while I can’t be by your side in this physically, please know I am walking beside you in the Spirit. You are not alone, precious friend. And Ansley is not forgotten.
My heart goes out to you…. I can only imagine your loss… my husband and I have lost 3 little ones in 11 months (two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy). We grieve with you and yet hold hope that our little ones will play together until we can meet up with them again one day in heaven…. to hold their hands and let them show us all the sweet wonders of heaven. Praying for you to be held by God’s comforting arms this day as you remember Ansley. — From Gettysburg
Stay strong, April. I’m sorry for your losses.
Jessica, you and sweet little Ansley are in my thoughts today! She is such a beautiful little girl and the world is a sadder place without her here. I’m so sorry for your loss but I know with an amazing momma like you she will never be forgotten and will always be loved! Hugs to a wonderful, strong mommy from Ohio! We will never forget you Ansley!
Jessica–
Holding space in my heart for you and beautiful Ansley today. You are so brave and strong for showing up and sharing your need. May you hear her name whispered to you always and smile through your tears.
Love from Memphis, TN
Hi Jessica,
Blessings and love to you as we hold Ansley’s name and memory in our hearts. Lots of love to you and your family!
Amanda
Ashley is so precious and you are amazing Jessica for being the strong woman to keep going. Thank you for sharing your story and for helping us to understand what to do in unimaginable circumstances such as these. May you be blessed as you read all these amazing comments.
Sending love to you, Jessica, and thinking of your precious Ansley. Tiffany from NC.
She’s precious. I wish there were a way to comfort you.
To Ansley’s mama – thinking of you and your sweet girl.
<3 Melissa, Ryan's mama
Dear Jessica,
Thank you for teaching us that saying something is always better than saying nothing. You’ll cry big tears today, but you won’t be alone. I will cry and hug my boys and tell them about Ansley. We will pray for you together.
Love, Miriam in SC
Jessica, I just visited my son at sleep away camp yesterday. I have only been away for a week and I found THAT hard. I can NOT imagine my life without him or my daughter.
So, to you I send love of all the things Ansley was and would have been. The memories you have and the dreams you didn’t. May you have peace and may all our thoughts lift you a bit on this tough day.
I honor you and your girl and send love from the fog of San Francisco.
-Christine
Jessica,
I am thinking of your precious Ansley today and praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for allowing us to enter into your pain and for helping those of us who don’t know how to respond to know a better way.
Much love from Seattle, Washington.
Be blessed today. Be blessed in your grief, as well as in the happiness at remembering your beautiful Ansley.
Karaganda, Kazakhstan
Jessica, your Ansley is not forgotten. She is loved and remembered — more than ever. God Bless you. Arvada, CO
Jessica,
Bless you. Bless you for your bravery in asking for what you need. Bless you for speaking out for other loss mamas. And Bless You as you remember Ansley today in a flood of joy, sorrow, and a million other emotions. I hope you see her today, in whatever way she speaks to you.
Two years ago, I suffered a pregnancy loss. Losing my son is the greatest pain I have ever known; AND through his loss I have met an amazing group of bereaved mamas – Warrior Mamas like you – who continue to teach me how to sit bravely with pain and remember the joy in his brief life, women who remember to speak the name of my sweet son, Jett Elijah. Today I am sitting with you, sharing the pain, and speaking sweet Ansley’s name.
With love from Madison, WI,
Rene
Jessica, sending love and light and peace to you and your Ansley from Chicago.