Last month, I was in a room with four hundred women, and we were laughing and crying and just BEING together. Halfway through our time together, a woman stood up and said, “Glennon, what would you say to help people understand the importance of being there for a friend who has lost a child? We lost our daughter, Ansley, seven years ago and most of our friends and family have just fallen away. Now on her birthday and Angel Day- I might receive a card or two. It’s just not enough. Our baby is gone and we need the people who knew her to talk to us about her, but they don’t. Everyone we loved is just silent about it. It makes me feel like Ansley is forgotten. It feels like the world is pretending she never existed.”
I just looked at her for a long moment. The room was completely silent. It was clear to everyone that this woman had single-handedly escorted the four hundred of us into the most important moment of the evening.
I finally said, “What is your name?”
She said, “Jessica.”
I said, “Jessica- you tell us. What would YOU tell people to do?”
And she said, “SHOW UP. Show up right away and then keep showing up. Don’t worry about saying the right thing, there is no right thing. Just say SOMETHING. Just tell us you haven’t forgotten. And say their name. It’s like people are afraid to remind me of her- as if I’m not already thinking about her every moment of every day. Everyone avoids her name- but we still need to hear their names spoken by people who loved them.”
I thanked Ansley’s mama for saying what we all needed to hear. For telling us that when it comes to tragedy- what a friend does is pull together all her brave and run towards the heartbreak and mightily resist the urge to try to fix it and instead just sit in it and soak up a little bit of the love and pain.
And then she says her name. Often. Because your friend is still Ansley’s mama, as certainly and surely and eternally and solidly as you are the mama of your babies. That’s who she STILL IS. Somehow now more than ever. She doesn’t know herself any other way and she doesn’t want to. And so when you don’t acknowledge that part of her, it’s like you’re not even there with her. She needs you to be there with her. With Ansley’s grieving mama.
I said, “Jessica. I don’t know what to say. But listen, I’ll tell you one thing. Ansley’s Angel Day is not going to pass silently this year. I know some people who would love nothing more than to stop and remember Ansley with you. They are the Monkees. You tell me Ansley’s date and then you visit us on her day. “
And Jessica cried and we all cried together – all four hundred of us – for the loss of a baby girl and the pain of a mother and the soothing balm of women who rush toward each other and sit and cry with each other and just give up on saying too many words at all.
Today is Ansley’s Angel Day- July 14. I imagine that Jessica will wake up this morning and look out her window and wonder how in the world it is that the world can keep spinning on the day that her own world died.
I would like for us to stop the world for a moment today to remember Ansley, to honor Jessica, and to hold space for all of our sisters’ great loss and pain and love. Let us do this in two ways:
- Please leave a comment here for Jessica. She will be reading today. Let us show her we cared enough to STOP today and say Ansley’s name. Let us tell her that she is not the only one who is feeling the width and depth today of the loss of Ansley. Also, in your comment- tell Jessica where you’re from. It makes the love feel more real when you can see that it’s covering the globe.
- Then please, in honor of Ansley and Jessica- call to mind a friend who has suffered a great loss and then reach out to her. If you can’t call her, email her. If you can’t email her, text her. Don’t let your lack of time or the perfect thing to say stop you. Just do it. Stop the world for a moment in honor of her. That’s what we do when we pause in the middle of a busy day to reach out to someone who is hurting. We say “to me, you are worth stopping the world for.”
MS-MD has donated $700 to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program in honor of Precious Ansley (who would have been a nine year old girl today) and in honor of her Warrior Mama, Jessica, and in honor of all of you who have lost your babies. I am stopping my world today to tell you that I have no perfect words. I am just here, and I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
G and TWMF
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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4,536 Comments
Jessica, I am thinking of you and sweet Ansley today. May God bless you and hold you tighter than ever!
So much love to you and yours, and to your little one whose light is still shining brightly somewhere with the stars. May today and every day bring happy memories to help dampen the sadness.
Alicia from CO
Hello Jessica. I definitely feel the agony of your loss being ignored by those who should have rallied toward you. Some in my family have deserted us since we lost our 33 year old son 2 years ago. Today we are going to the site where he died in a car accident. With us will be the hearts of those who have assisted God in carrying us. But there will be empty places beside us where others from my family should have stood. A hurt shared by many is easier to bear. To have our loss be unmentionable is hard to fathom. It’s like a living death. My son was and is and always will be an important part of our life. I can’t imagine how his absence doesn’t matter to some. Those who are willing to invest in you and help keep your daughter’s memory alive are your support. They can’t say the right thing, just as you can’t describe to them the depth of your loss. Continue to let them say the wrong things from their heart, give you a shoulder, and extend their hand. They are angels for you. James R Whitton Sr, Howell Mich
A few days late, but know that you will be in my continued prayers for peace in your heart until you hold your sweet baby girl again.
Hugs…..
Just now reading this—know that today Ansley is thought of–that you Ansley’s Mama are prayed for–thank you for reminding us to SHOW UP. Grace and Peace to you.
Thank you, Jessica, for bringing sweet Ansley in to the world. Though I didn’t know her, I am sure that she changed for the better the lives of those who did. I’m so sorry she was only with you for a short time. I’m sorry for the pain of loss that you carry with you every day. She will not be forgotten, and her life mattered so very much.
Jelita (Louisa, Va.)
I have never lost a child and I hope to God I never do. But I do have two precious children, ages 29 and 30. I can’t imagine my life without them. Jessica, I am so sorry you lost your dear little Ansley. My heart breaks for you. My nephew and his wife lost their 5 month old baby Griffin in April 2013. He died from complications after an operation to mend his heart. I never held him, met him, smelled him, nursed him, or gloried in his delightfulness. But I remember doing that to my own sweet babies. It is a wonder to look at them now and think, this child was inside of me. I nursed her. I wiped his bottom. I answered thousands of questions. Jessica, I can only imagine how empty your heart and the emptiness your arms will always feel when you think of Ansley. I have a cousin who is 85 years old and still feels to this day the sadness of losing her little baby boy, Robin. A mother never forgets. Of that I am sure. Your tears can’t be counted. Your cries of agony will echo for eternity. The love you have for Ansley is forever. Dear little Ansley’s spirit lives on forever. It is the only hope I can give you – that some day, some how, you will be reunited with her and that hole in your heart will be mended. Until that time dear Jessica, try to remember that it is okay to laugh and love again. Ansley won’t be jealous. She is in a perfect world where negative thoughts like that do not exist. It is we who still live in this world who must learn to live and love like that. Life will bring you joy again and when it does take the time to see it and embrace it. It’s okay to be happy. This is what Ansley would want for you.
Jessica – I was there when you stood up and talked in Atlanta and your story really helped me. I lost my brother-in-law in February and have struggled with how to be there for my sister during this time. I have struggled with not having the “right” thing to say, but you taught me to just show up. And keep showing up when I don’t know what else to do. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I have thought of you and your Ansley many times in the past month.
Kasey from Atlanta
How adorable your angel is! I know that Ansley smiles down on you often and is so proud of her mom!
It’s a terrible “club”we belong to, so, to Ashley and my Brian whose Angel day is today. Hugs, and tissues.
This story has touched my heart. The tears are still pouring down my face. I couldn’t even imagine…
I know I missed Ansley’s Angel Day by a couple of days, but I still just wanted you to know that you & your daughter are in my thoughts! Also, you have helped me with this story. A friend of mine lost her son & I’ve never known what to say or if I should even say anything at all…& now I know because of you, that all I have to do is just say SOMETHING. Thank you. You are a strong, brave woman! I hope these comments have helped!
From Fort Stewart, GA
Jessica, thinking of you and Ansley today from Atlanta, Ga.
I cannot imagine what you are feeling, as I have never been there before. But I want to take a moment to say that your precious Ansley has not been forgotten. I know I’m a couple days late for her angel day, but I know you are always thinking of her. I’m terribly sorry for your loss, and nothing will make up for that. But know that your sweet daughter has not been forgotten.
Such a beautiful girl you have with a beautiful name! You must be so proud to be her mama and carry her legacy in your heart. I remember her as I remember my Audrey Ruth, stillborn on April 21, 2008. Much love and grace to you today and always.
Kathleen from San Antonio, TX
I live in Sioux Falls, SD and I too lost my child. It will be two years ago on the 21st of July and a friend of mine sent me a note telling me she was thinking of me and was there for me with this link at the bottom. Thank you for sharing your precious heart. I prayed for you this morning. That you would feel loved and that you would have a peace that passes all understanding.
Dear Jessica,
Ansley is so beautiful. I am so sorry that you have to know this terrible heartbreaking pain, to be missing Ansley instead of having her with you as she should be!!! I know that she is a part of you every minute of every day, for all your days. I want to hug you and also to thank you for bringing forward the needs of grieving mothers. I hope that this post and its comments bring you some small solace, and that those in your life wake up to how they could better support you.
*hugs*
Ellen
I will remember Ainsley and many more children that left this world too soon. I pray for that empty hole that her loss left in her mothers heart to be filled with all the love from Jesus and all the mothers that ache for her.
God bless you and your family
Your precious baby girl will always be remembered.
I will remember her!
From another grieving mommy in Johns Creek, GA
xoxo. LOVE WINS
Jessica- warm thoughts for you and for the memory of Ansley, from Michigan.
Ansley. What a beautiful name. You created a space for her to live, love and be loved…for however brief that time was, she shines brilliantly forever~every moment of every day. I am so very sorry for your loss and the sorrow and emptiness you feel.
I hope you’re feeling the love and connection along with your loss. I’m in NY crying for your loss and stressing happy tears for all the love you’ve received. The power of standing up and asking a question!
May you be able to feel the pride of knowing that in some way your little girl has just touched the lives of so many, some of which never knew her(me included). Yet through you sharing her story we now have a special place in our hearts for Ansley and for yourself. I like to believe Ansley is up in Heaven with my son, Gavin as well! God Bless!
Jessica, you are precious and your pain is very real. May the memories you have with Ainsley comfort you especially today.
Please forgive us people for not speaking up. I have found that one of the reasons I sometimes don’t speak or contact others grieving is because doing so makes me have to try to identify with that person’s pain, and even just that is painful and terrifying. It’s a bad excuse. May you feel God’s blessing on you today – Michigan
Jessica, may you find a bit of comfort in good thoughts and memories of your beautiful Ansley today. No mother could read this post and not feel a small piece of your pain and suffering for the loss of your little girl. Love and peace to you and your family.
So hard to explain to those who haven’t been through it. You will never forget Ansley and the world shouldn’t either. Sending prayers your way.
Jessica, I’m thinking of you from Chicago ;). I lost my brother at 8 years old. And recently lost a friend’s daughter. Sending you strength & comfort in beautiful memories.
I’m a couple days late in stumbling across this post but my thoughts and prayers join all the others here. I can’t image the emotions this family goes through every day. Their ability to go on is inspiring!
God bless you, Ashley, and your beautiful Ansley. Peace be with you and your family. Thinking of you and praying for you and all of us moms with Angel Babies today and every day. Theresa in Eskridge, KS
I’m so sorry Jessica for your loss and pray that you get signs that Ansley is watching over you today and always. I lost my daughter Elizabeth two years ago this July 20th from a fetal heart defect and she was stillborn. I miss her everyday and long for that moment to be able to hold her in my arms again.
Our angels are with us and remembering them and honouring them is our job as their mothers.
Hugs today xoxo
May God wrap His arms around you today as you remember Ansley whose mother has taught us all a valuable lesson! thank you for sharing your hurt and your pain! Ansley from her pictures must have brought you lots of joy!
Jessica, I’m in Florida and thinking of you. Little Ansley is beautiful and has touched my heart.
I will remember your little girl.
Your story has really touched me. I have a friend who just lost her baby. My thoughts and prayers to you both today and everyday. Louisville, KY
I shed a tear with you this morning. I can’t imagine your loss and hope I never have to because I could not bear it. You are strong. Big hugs to you.
Jessica, the photos of your Ansley and your story are reminders for all of us….to walk with each other through all things in life. May you find peace today in the encouraging words of others written here.
I am so sorry for you loss. I miscarried a baby. It’s been 36 years. I still wonder about the child I never go to hold in my arms. In 2007, my daughter miscarried her first son. She was and is still devastated. I feel your pain but I pray that you will find a way to continue on with your cross. Jesus loves you. Place your burden on Him.
Thinking of your precious Ansley. Sending (((HUGS))) & praying for comfort & peace. <3 from Imler, PA
Praying that your day was filled with comfort, peace and live knowing that your baby girl will never be forgotten! Grand Rapuds, MI
I am with every word Jessica has spoken, happy Birthday,and Angel Day for Ansley. It’s a difficult day for u as parents and I hope you get through it ok. Your daughter is beautiful, really beautiful. Thinking of you all today. Happy Birthday Ansley.
Thinking of you and your Ansley today!
This is belated but I know that your little Annsley still warms your heart and your life is blessed because of God’s great gift to you….and there is still a big hole in your heart due to her absence. I’m praying that The Lord’s grace will help fill that hole and The Lord will bless you in other ways. I believe you will see her again in a glorious reunion in Heaven one day!! Huntsville, AL
Jessica…I, too, am a Jessica…and my older son’s middle name is Ansley (family name), and he is a bright ray of sunshine in my everyday. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, and continue to go through. Know that there are plenty of folks thinking about you and praying for your comfort as you awaken each new day. I have faith that one day you will see her again, and for that good news I am joyful.
Jessica, thinking of you and your precious Ansley today. May God hold you in the palm of his hand. Thank you for reminding us all how to be better friends to those we love.
Praying that you will feel all the love being sent your way in remembrance of your sweet Ansley.
Sweet Jessica, I lost my first born when he was 28. I have always said that the hardest day in the 8 years since his death was his birthday because not many remember or are uncertain how to show they remember. One of my fears is that he will be forgotten. So today I celebrate your sweet baby girl’s Angel day and pray that you can take comfort in knowing that Ansley is sitting on the lap of Jesus….and her star is continuing to shine extra bright today.
I have tears rolling down my face as I read Glennon’s post. I am mourning for you and your little girl Ansley. Take hope that we are all thinking about you, your family and Ansley today.
Thoughts and prayers from England.
Remembering is important. Remembering is powerful. Thank you for the wonderful article — and for sharing the story of your sweet Ansley. Courage — and peace.
Mary Ann
Grand Rapids, Michigan
God bless you, Jessica. He is holding your daughter in His arms today.
Instead of being given the world, you got Heaven. May Mommy remember all the great memories you made together. Special prayers go up for your loved ones for comfort knowing there are many out there thinking of you.
Happy Angel
I lost my precious Abigail 14 years ago. I am praying for you and for sweet memories and joy in the midst of the sadness. Blessings
Happy birthday Ansley! I am sure you made Heaven that much more beautiful! Dear Sweet Ansley, you will be remembered today and always.
Thank you Jessica! May you find strength and comfort through friends family and mostly God. …..always.
Remembering Ansley today. God bless your family.
Michelle – Charlotte, NC
Thinking about you and your precious girl Ansley, a few days after the anniversary. We lost our sweet girl almost 5 years ago. We all cry over the same things I guess. Praying for you from Bogota, Colombia (temporarily) but really from Troy Michigan.
Happy Angelversary to your beautiful Angel! Always remember you will see her again in God’s kingdom that is what keeps me going. My son went to heaven 2 years ago he was 17 and I know the feeling of what you wrote about. Hugs and God Bless!
Jessica, I am truly sorry for your loss and your heartbreaking pain. Ansley is beautiful Angel! You both are in my thoughts and prayers. (Philadelphia, PA)
Jessica, you are such a brave and strong woman. Thank you for opening our eyes – if just a tiny bit – to what you and your family face every day. Ansley must have brought so much joy and love to all of you – what a beautiful little girl. I cannot even begin to understand your sadness. Again, thank you. Sharpsburg, GA
Ansley shares a birthday with our grandson, Christopher. Happy Birthday to your sweet little angel today. I pray for your pain to turn into just the happiest memories possible.
Thinking of your beautiful Ansley and sending you love
Thank you for being brave and standing up and telling us what you need. What so many need. Thank you for telling us that its ok to be scared and not know what to say but to just say something. Thank you for telling us its ok to say their name and to say it often. Thank you for sharing your sweet Ansley…
much love,
Meghan
Richmond, VA
Ansley is beautiful.
Beautiful Ansley! Keep a look out for my big sister, my lobster, up there in heaven. Her name is Molly and she looks very much like you, with beautiful brown eyes and shiny brown hair. She loves little people– little girls especially, and will put you on her hip and dance with you and make you laugh all day. Give her a kiss for me, Ansley.
With so much love,
Evelyn in Saratoga Springs, NY
Praying for you and precious Ansley today (although two days after her angel day) in North Dakota. Figured you can never have too many prayers when you’re grieving. Hugs to you!
I am thinking of you and your beautiful daughter today. I missed her Angel Day, but today I said her name aloud and admired her beautiful pictures. I am so very sorry for your loss. Much love from Gorham, Maine
Your bravery in speaking the truth has touched many. I too will be brave today and reach out to someone hurting. I wish peace today for you. Hugs.
Jessica and family — I read this story a few day after your “angel day” but I am thinking of you. Its almost 2 years since we lost our daughter and the way you expressed what you want people to do to show support is exactly right. The hardest part of grieving has been trying to teach others what to do to support. You are a strong mama who will always hold your beautiful little girl close in your heart. Sending love and hugs from Troy, MI.
Your sweet girl is remembered. Today and everyday. I pray for your strength to keep going forward after your heart breaking loss.
Ansley. what a beautiful name and such a beautiful little baby girl. so sorry for your loss. and for all the other parents with little angels. tears in heaven.
lots of love from spain
Jessica, thank you for sharing your heart…and sweet Ansley! Thinking of you and praying for you and your family this morning!
Ellen Breth
Overland Park, KS
Ansley was a beautiful little girl who was taken too soon. I am sending you hugs. Stay strong. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Ansley will be remembered in Westmeath Canada
Thank you for being strong enough to say the truth! All of us feel that way. My William and Andrew are playing with Ansley in heaven I am sure…. God bless you…
Angel days are never easy no matter how many years go by.
God bless Jessica and her family. Ansley, you are loved. I spoke her name aloud this morning. You are not forgotten.
Virginia Beach, Va
Ansley is a beautiful wee angel. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Dee from Bluff, New Zealand
I am thinking of Ansley and your family today! Thank you for helping us all understand how to handle such an important topic. Palm Beach Gardens, FL
Ansley, Ansley, Ansley, bring your family some sweet peace today
Maryanne. Long Island NY
Thinking of you. Ansley will be forever remembered. Such a beautiful little girl. Praying for you
Ansley so much beauty in your smile. So much love in your heart. Your soul is remembered by so many. On this day I send a wish to you. That your love is still being felt by the world. That you are not forgotten. Your mama is a brave strong lady, and you need to send her a bit of love and healing.
Always in our thoughts and prayers.
Danielle (Phoenix, Arizona
Jessica,
I am so sorry about your beautiful Ansley. You will always be her fierce, loving mama. And the world will always be brighter for her having been here, even though it was only for a short time. It’s after Ansley’s Angel Day, but I’m holding you in my heart today, in Durham, NC.
Just wanted to let you know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and Ansley. Mt family went throught the loss of my nephew Anish on 28th February this year so I know how this loss feels. God will always watch over our little angels and those who grieve for them. Ansley and Anish our angels in heaven one day we’d meet again and until that day we’d always miss and love you babies.
Praying and thinking of Ansley, you, and your family & friends. I hope the memories of your precious
Ansley will provide comfort in your heart as you struggle with the missing and grief. I lost my oldest child almost 11 years ago – no matter how or how long – we are still mothers to our children and that will never change. Thank you for speaking out and speaking up! HUGS for you today!!
Thinking of you today and your sweet Ansley! Keep remembering!
Praying for you and thinking of you and your sweet baby girl, Ansley. May the Lord be with you and comfort you now and always. Much love from Columbus, GA.
God bless sweet Ansley! East Stroudsburg, PA
You have a beautiful daughter! May The God of all comfort be with you today.
May Ainsley’s memory be eternal. Love to her and her family from Louisville, KY.
I spoke Ansley’s name out loud with tears on my face. You’re stronger than you even realize! -ironton,ohio
Thinking of you and your sweet Ansley. Fayetteville, GA
Jessica, thinking of you and your gorgeous girl Ansley this morning, gone far too soon. Sending love and hugs and prayers!
Sweet Ansley, you are loved. -Charlotte, nc
God bless this grieving mother and give others the words to help her cherish her memory of little Ansley!
Tears for you and your sweet Ansley this morning. Thanks for sharing this powerful info. Fishers, IN
Thinking of you, I can’t imagine how hard her Angel Day is for you. Prayers from Wichita, KS.
Your story has touched me profoundly. I am so sorry for loss of your beautiful angel. May your memories of Ansley bring you great comfort today and always.
Blessings from Minnesota
May Ansley’s star shine forever brightly in the sky as she does in your heart & soul. Words are never enough but may you take comfort from all of our hearts.
Sending sunshine & rainbows from Brisbane, Australia
Sharing your tears for your loss. Ansley, Ansley, Ansley!!!!! Vicenza, Italy
Dear Jessica, I ant to say that your little girl was real, she did exist and I see her. I know the pain of child loss and the incredible pain of it becoming invisible. You are not alone xx
Much love to you and your family Jessica and prayers through your journey without Ansley. Newport, RI
Thinking of you and your little angel ansley, cornwall uk
I know this is important information. I try to always talk to survivors about their loss and call their lost ones by name. I haven’t lost a child, but I have lost parents, cousins and dear friends. I know, Jessica, that your heart is broken. I am so sorry that your lost your sweet angel and you will never forget her. I pray that God wakes us up to the fact that our friends that lose spouses or children need to know that we haven’t forgotten them. Thank you for reminding me again. There is someone in my life that I need to acknowledge and I will do that today because of this article. Thanks from the bottom of my heart!
Dear Ashley,
What a wonderful Mother you are! God bless you. I will remember your darling Ansley and you in my prayers in Venice. FL