Last month, I was in a room with four hundred women, and we were laughing and crying and just BEING together. Halfway through our time together, a woman stood up and said, “Glennon, what would you say to help people understand the importance of being there for a friend who has lost a child? We lost our daughter, Ansley, seven years ago and most of our friends and family have just fallen away. Now on her birthday and Angel Day- I might receive a card or two. It’s just not enough. Our baby is gone and we need the people who knew her to talk to us about her, but they don’t. Everyone we loved is just silent about it. It makes me feel like Ansley is forgotten. It feels like the world is pretending she never existed.”
I just looked at her for a long moment. The room was completely silent. It was clear to everyone that this woman had single-handedly escorted the four hundred of us into the most important moment of the evening.
I finally said, “What is your name?”
She said, “Jessica.”
I said, “Jessica- you tell us. What would YOU tell people to do?”
And she said, “SHOW UP. Show up right away and then keep showing up. Don’t worry about saying the right thing, there is no right thing. Just say SOMETHING. Just tell us you haven’t forgotten. And say their name. It’s like people are afraid to remind me of her- as if I’m not already thinking about her every moment of every day. Everyone avoids her name- but we still need to hear their names spoken by people who loved them.”
I thanked Ansley’s mama for saying what we all needed to hear. For telling us that when it comes to tragedy- what a friend does is pull together all her brave and run towards the heartbreak and mightily resist the urge to try to fix it and instead just sit in it and soak up a little bit of the love and pain.
And then she says her name. Often. Because your friend is still Ansley’s mama, as certainly and surely and eternally and solidly as you are the mama of your babies. That’s who she STILL IS. Somehow now more than ever. She doesn’t know herself any other way and she doesn’t want to. And so when you don’t acknowledge that part of her, it’s like you’re not even there with her. She needs you to be there with her. With Ansley’s grieving mama.
I said, “Jessica. I don’t know what to say. But listen, I’ll tell you one thing. Ansley’s Angel Day is not going to pass silently this year. I know some people who would love nothing more than to stop and remember Ansley with you. They are the Monkees. You tell me Ansley’s date and then you visit us on her day. “
And Jessica cried and we all cried together – all four hundred of us – for the loss of a baby girl and the pain of a mother and the soothing balm of women who rush toward each other and sit and cry with each other and just give up on saying too many words at all.
Today is Ansley’s Angel Day- July 14. I imagine that Jessica will wake up this morning and look out her window and wonder how in the world it is that the world can keep spinning on the day that her own world died.
I would like for us to stop the world for a moment today to remember Ansley, to honor Jessica, and to hold space for all of our sisters’ great loss and pain and love. Let us do this in two ways:
- Please leave a comment here for Jessica. She will be reading today. Let us show her we cared enough to STOP today and say Ansley’s name. Let us tell her that she is not the only one who is feeling the width and depth today of the loss of Ansley. Also, in your comment- tell Jessica where you’re from. It makes the love feel more real when you can see that it’s covering the globe.
- Then please, in honor of Ansley and Jessica- call to mind a friend who has suffered a great loss and then reach out to her. If you can’t call her, email her. If you can’t email her, text her. Don’t let your lack of time or the perfect thing to say stop you. Just do it. Stop the world for a moment in honor of her. That’s what we do when we pause in the middle of a busy day to reach out to someone who is hurting. We say “to me, you are worth stopping the world for.”
MS-MD has donated $700 to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program in honor of Precious Ansley (who would have been a nine year old girl today) and in honor of her Warrior Mama, Jessica, and in honor of all of you who have lost your babies. I am stopping my world today to tell you that I have no perfect words. I am just here, and I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
G and TWMF
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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4,537 Comments
Ansley is so adorable. So sorry for your loss. Big hugs From Atlanta, Ga
Holding you and sweet Ansley in my heart, celebrating her life and sending prayers for peace for you.
Thank you Jessica. Since my son was killed last October, no one calls, stops by, or, as you said, will even mention his name.
Losing a child is the worst pain any mother could go through. I am so sorry for your loss.
I have to remind myself EVERY DAY that this is NOW my reality! It sucks!
Thinking of you and your beautiful Ansley!
Angie from North Carolina.
My thoughts are with you and your daughter today. My today be gentle and loving for your soul.
Ansley, we remember you.
Sending Ansley’s mama all the love I can muster from Rhode Island.
Praying for you and your sweet baby Ansley. So very sorry for your loss. Sending love and hugs from Horsham, Pennsylvania. xoxo
Thank you for blessing me with your wisdom and sharing Ansley with me. You are in my thoughts today. My heart is so sad that your sweet girl is not with you but I know she is smiling down at you from heaven and she is so proud of her mamma.
Michelle from Rhode Island
Thinking of you today as you remember your little Ansley, so sorry for your loss xxxx
From Devonport, Tasmania
Sending you love, I will think of Ansley, playing in heaven with my granddaughter, who only lived for twelve days, I think of her always, they are the same age xxxx
Jessica, I’m sorry I missed this post two days ago, but I am so glad that Glennon shared your story with us. I am so profoundly sorry for your loss of Ansley. I pray that God will soothe your broken heart. I know that He holds Ansley in his arms. You have inspired me to reach out to my cousin, who lost her little girl to cancer last fall. I live in New York, and she lives in Virginia, but you have helped me realize that she needs me even when we’re so far apart.
As a momma who lost 3 babies in one pregnancy at 21 weeks I feel your sadness. You are not alone. North Carolina
Thinking of you and your beautiful, sweet angel Ansley today. (I know I’m a couple days late) My baby girl Sabrina’s “Angel Day” is coming up on July 20th. She was three when she left this earth 21 years ago. From bereaved mom to bereaved mom, I know your heartache, I’m sorry you have to endure it; but I’m glad you got to be Ansley’s momma while she was here. (((HUGS)))
Remembering you today sweet Ansley and keeping you Jessica in my thoughts from Adelaide, Australia
I am so very sorry for your deep loss. Your baby girl is a precious part of your soul. I wish you peace Jessica…
Remembering your beautiful Ansley on this day. Happy Angel Day!
As a grandma who lost her grandson to SIDS 4 months ago I understand a small part of you loss. Praying for you today and remembering you and Ansley with love from Gordonville Pa.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child. My heart hurts for you and loves you and Ansley. Hugs coming your way from Chesapeake Beach MD.
You are not alone. What great courage you have
to tell the world what you need. You are amazing.
Wherever Ansley is now, know how thankful she is to
have you as her mom.
Music has helped me grieve. One if my favorites to
cry to and to just let it all out is ‘I’ll see you again’ by Westlife.
I put together a playlist that I listen to get me through the
rough days after losing my nephew. I know it’s not the
same as losing a child but I felt I buried part of me that day.
I want to thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. I know
now I need to be there more for my sister.
Sending good vibes and love your way.
From Macungie, Pennsylvania
Bless your heart. I sadly know your pain. Prayers to you and your family, may we/everyone always hold our precious girls life, dear in their hearts. From Laurelville, Ohio.
Prayers and {{{{HUGS}}}}…..God Bless you Ansley’s Mom!!!
Sending love and hope from Sydney Australia. Your Ansley radiates pure happiness and joy in those pictures – she is beautiful.
Thinking if you today Jessica and your beautiful girl Ansley. You said what all if us feel and wish people would remember. I lost my baby nearly 3 years ago. You are not alone. I care, sending you a big hug.
Kirsty
Thinking of you, even on this day, and each day that Ansley is not by your side and in your arms. I am so sorry that your baby girl died. It’s not right, it’s not fair and nothing will ever feel right again but your love for her will go on and on and she is not forgotten – by you or by all of us. My own baby died in December 2010 and I know the hurt and sadness that shadows your every day. So much love, Melanie, Cornwall, UK.
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Ansley. I wish I could reach out and hug you…sometimes a hug says it best. Remembering Ansley and her momma in California ♡
Holding space for you, in Charleston, SC. <3
Wow I don’t know what to say except when I saw Ansley picture I thought to myself what a beautiful baby. My heart cries with you. At age 21 I had my brother die suddenly at 17 months. I believe you will be reunited one day when God calls you home. And home is where the heart is. I can tell you are the most devoted mamma. And yes you still are and will always be her mom:)
Remembering your little princess Ashley today I’m from London England I to lost my baby girl on news years day 2011 everyone I no has forgot my daughter no one talks her name she was only 5 days old x
may the love of God hold you today and carry you through your journey of grief to peace. Your little angel can never be forgotten as she is in every beam of the sunshine and breeze of the wind,in every memory that makes you smile and every tear you wipe. Love endures for ever…..one bright day we will all be re united with our little angels that have gone on before us…God bless xx
Jessica I want to also add my comments to tell you thank you for your bravery, love & courage on the behalf of your sweet daughter, Ansley, to let us know it is important to retain our sense of humanity and compassion & teaching us that it’s okay to reach out to others in their pain & how necessary it is & to give us permission to do it and to not feel so lost in our on fears, confusion, selfishness or guilt…Happy Angel Day to your daughter, Ansley 🙂 from Phoenix, AZ
Love and prayers for you and Ansley.
From Neenah,WI
Hi Jessica, your angel Ansley will be just that, your angel, till your dying day
Sorry wasn’t finished! My daughter & I will include Ansley in our prayers tonight & every night from now on. Your baby is very proud of her mama for being so strong-willed & loving her so deeply. Lots of love, from Las Vegas ❤️
I stand with you from The Netherlands in remembering Ansley. I lost my baby sister Suzanne, when I was 7, she would have turned 36 this Saturday. I still think of her and named my oldest daughter after her.
Jessica, Ansley is not forgotten. You are loved, and so is she. Many hugs for you today; you are not alone. Sarah, York, PA.
Ansley and Jessica, my heart goes out you today. Jessica, I cannot imagine the loss you and many other mamas have gone through. Thank you Jessica for being honest and brave and telling the world that you need it. Ansley is lucky having such a strong mama watching out for her.
I will keep you both in my heart, Ansley is not forgotten.
Marie/ Stockholm, Sweden
I stand with you from Salt Lake City. She was beautiful and her souls us still felt within all of us. Sending love, Jenn.
Ansley looks like she was a beautiful little girl, she looks so happy and obviously incredibly loved. I am devastated for you Jessica that you’ve had to endure this shocking loss. I am sorry that Ansley never got to grow into the amazing person she surely would have become. Sending love to you and thinking of Ansley on her special day. There is another Mum, who has a facebook blog, who lost her beautiful son Patrick to SUCD when he was 14 months old. Her name is Julie and her blog title is The Progressive Parent. I am sure she would love to hear from you. With love, Carolyn.
Blessings and love to you Jessica, and to beloved Ansley, today and every day. My most heartfelt thoughts to you from Berkeley, CA.
Remembering you, Jessica, and your beautiful girl, Ansley today and saying a prayer for your family. Thank you for the reminder that having the perfect thing to say is not as important as just the care and concern behind saying something. From Chantil in WI
Ansley is so precious. I know I am late but I just came across this post on FaceBook. I am praying for her and for you Jessica. Happy Angel Day Ansley. sending you safe angel day hugs. Fly in the sky and be free. Jessica I know how hard it is to loose some one you love. Know that I am thinking of you and care, hugs
We never are without them, they are with us always, love never dies. For Ansley and for Rachel, my baby gone at two who would be 30 this year.
May the Gods and Goddesses bless you beautiful Ansley and your mother Jessica and all your loved ones. Please have a little play and hug with my Angel Gabriel up there with you 🙂
All my love, from one Angel mumma to another. Rhi xoxox
Ansley is beautiful. Heaven is blessed though we grieve on earth for her. Her smile is assuredly lighting up the sky! Thank you Jessica for sharing Ansley with us! What a gift. May you tangibly feel our love and prayers and virtual (((((hugs))))) we are sending your way on behalf of Ansley!
I am crying in Walnut Creek, CA reading this. I am so sorry you ever had to feel such pain. Such loss should never happen. You will see your Ansley again in heaven, she is certainly watching over you every day. -Marisa
I just found this now. This is so real, so utterly real and hard and not what we ever want to contemplate happening to our children. But it does happen. Every day. And each loss is excruciating because each life is special. Thank you for your words of great insight and honesty, Jessica. And I do hope and pray that some of your faded friendships bloom again and that you also discover the joy & comfort of new ones. Ansley. What a precious name. I won’t forget it.
As a mom of 4 here on earth (and 4 in heaven from miscarriage) I am crying for you. Losing a child is unimaginable and not natural. I am so sad for you and I will be praying for you. As her mama you keep Ansley’s memory alive so that she will never be forgotten! hugs from San Diego, CA
Ansley sending you butterfly kisses and love to your beautiful Mum. We lost our little boy Aaron and your words are so true and I’m glad you said them and you have touched me over in Italy. I am an Australian xx
Jessica love to you and your family xxx thinking of little ansley xxx I too have lost my daughter ashleigh and now my daughter Isabella is very ill and wont survive xxx lots of love. Noelle
What a beautiful angel baby! The world was a better place with her in it. With Love from St Louis, MO
Love and hope to Jessica and family as we all honor and remember sweet Ansley today. from erin in colorado
Remembering and loving your Ansley from the great state of SC. I lost my baby girl and the hurt ever heals or goes away. ((((hugs))))
Dear Jessica,
I am sending out my love and compassion from Hawaii. I would have definitely been the one to have stayed silent not wanting to add more sorrow but you have taught me that that is not the way. Thanks to you I will “show up” and keep on “showing up”.
Ansley is remembered here, right now. She will always have a little space in my heart.
Big big hugs,
Jun
Ansley is a Beautiful name to match a Beautiful Child!
There is no greater pain then losing a child, but remember….
many walk your treacherous walk :’-(
You are never really alone!!!
Much Love And Prayers That You Find Peace From Moreno Valley Ca.
My dear, I hope you know that your baby girl Ansley is always with you. I know my son is with me. At times it i very hard for people to understand that we want to hear from them about our children. Weird, it’s almost comforting to hear that someone else misses our children. You are not alone. I want so much for people to understand that, yes my son died. Yes I am in pain. Yes I miss him everyday and YES YOU CAN TELL ME YOU FEEL THE SAME. You are not alone Momma. Loving hands of an angel will wipe that tear Momma. One day you will have that tear but it will be with a smile because you had a great memory come to you about Ansley. Such a beautiful name.
Dear Jessica..
Your story made me stop and tears roll down my face..
Precious Angel Ansley will always be in our hearts…
Love from Amy
Gold Coast Australia
Jessica,
I’m crying on my sofa in Seattle for your loss.
LP
Jessica I want to reach out to you, hug you and tell you that I share your pain, your loss your grief. I just wish I could do it in person. Ansley is beautiful.
in solidarity,
Gabby Yates, San Francisco, CA
Mother of Camilla, almost 4 years old
I myself lost my son 2 years ago… He was full term and I had a full abruption. The pain we feel is so hard to explain to so many! I feel honored to read this and think about your sweet baby girl Ansley! That angel should and will be celebrated! Never forgotten just like my Brantley! Jessica you are more than just Ansley’s mom your also a brave woman for speaking up that this hurts you and that you want to make sure she is never forgot! Sending lots of prayers from my entire family to Ansley’s mom!!
Union,ms
God bless you and your sweet little Ansley. I lost my son April of this year and this article really spoke to my heart. I’m from newark ohio.
Jessica- I’m thinking of you and saying Ansley’s name out loud in Houston, TX.
With love and prayers for peace,
Sandy
I’ll picture Ansley playing in the fields of heaven along side my little brother Mario. Your family is in my thoughts. God Bless You!
Jessica,
You and your sweet daughter Ansley are on my heart. I hope and pray that each and every day God gives you a sweet moment in which you feel a fullness in your Mama-heart that reminds and reassures you of your importance and of Ansley’s presence here on earth and now in heaven. I pray for peace and remembrance and significance for you, in honor of Ansley. And I pray that a circle of friends will come around you in such a remarkable way that you never for one moment doubt that Ansley is being honored in your life. And that your role as her Mama is never forgotten and always lifted up. Thinking of you and Ansley in Chico, California.
Thinking of Ansley and you! (((Hugs)))
Hi Jessica
I cannot imagine what you are going through, it must be heartbreaking for you every day when. You wake up (if you sleep) and remember Ansley is no longer with you. She will remain in your heart and memories forever and she is blessed to have you as her mummy.
Blessings
Denise
P.S. my friend Vicky Whyte lost her 16 year old daughter 6 months ago today. She has a blog which is a great read it is called My Journey, please feel free to read it.
Dx
Hi Jessica. I can’t imagine the unbearable pain you feel each day you are without your precious Ansley. Thank you for giving me a little bit of insight into what to say to an angel’s mama. I know I’m guilty of doing exactly what you said people do with my friends who have had a loss. I’m thinking of you and Ansley in Riverside, California. <>
Dear Jessica
Thank you so much for telling us about Ansley. What a brave woman you are to have stood up in that meeting and spoke out. Your daughter is lucky to have such a brave mother, who is still advocating for her.
Big hugs
Miki
I just found this post today, I hope you’re reading, Jessica. What a hard thing for you to go through. I stopped today and thought of you and your cute daughter!
A mama is a mama is a mama. You are a mama forever. I am a mama forever. We are mamas now and forever, period.
Much love, Dana
We send love and some of our warmest hugs to you. You and your beautiful daughter are in our thoughts xx
Thinking of your angel, and mine.
Provo, Ut
Huge hugs and love to you Jessica. We will all remember your angel. I have found that family and friends do remember but stay silent through ‘not wanting to upset you’ – which is further from the truth as you need the support.
All my love
Michelle
UK
Ansley is beautiful! Thinking of you on the 16th. From one mama to another in Dunedin, New Zealand.
Jessica, I am with you and we share a bond, though we do not know each other… I had a baby that only lived 35 hours… Even though his life was short, I loved him every second of it. He was born January 28th 1995 and died january 29th. For several years after, we had birthday parties for my Baby Alex. My friends brought gifts, and we donated them to Phoenix Children’s Hospital in his name. I have a couple of pictures of him in our living room, along with photos of my other children. We speak of him often. I had very few photos of my Alex, and wanted to honor him. I made a scrapbook for his 10th birthday. Alex would be 19 now. There doesn’t go a day when I don’t remember him or talk to him. I carry his scrapbook in my purse with me the week of his birthday and share it with anyone who would like to look at it…. I believe, like you, that sharing him with people helps keep him alive.
Please know that I will hold Ainsley’s memory in my heart, and I invite you to keep my Baby Alex’s in yours. They’re probably having a play date in heaven!
Something that helps my heart is sending a letter on special occasions – tied to a balloon.
Time may pass but your love is eternal.
Jessica, I am thinking about you and praying for your family. Ansley is beautiful andI know you are missing her so much today. Know that you are not alone. May God bless you all.
From Fairbanks, AK.
Sometime – actually most of the time…. people think they have to be prepared to say something… something magical that might make some of the pain go away. What they don’t realize is most people need a loving presence. I found (after someone did the same for me) that being there – just being present is what matters most. Show up and say “I love you and I’m here for you. If you want to talk, if you want silence… if you need someone to wash dishes or fix a meal. Even if you want to scream… I’m here for YOU! Godspeed.
Jessica, I read this a day late, but I am thinking of Ansley, you and your family today. I live in Sacramento and I have 4 year old and a 2 year old. Tomorrow we will be giving big hugs to a friend in Ansley’s honor.
You are remembered Ansley.
I am sorry for your loss of your beautiful baby girl, Ashley. She will never becforgetten. Much life from The Bronkema family in Chicago, Il.
I’m a day late for Ansley’s Angel Day, but I will think of her often. Though I never met your darling girl Jessica, I will never forget her or you. You have given me a beautiful gift by sharing of yourself and of Ansley –with me and all of your sisters who care and love deeply.
For Ansley, and for ours gone to heaven, Trinity Jameson.
Blessings to you too Michelle, and your dear Trinity Jameson!
The Lord loved both you, Jessica and your daughter Ansley.
Jessica-through your experience and Ansley’s presence, your courage to stand up and ask for what you need and the fortitude in which you face each day, you have taught me how to be a better and more connected human. 9 years later, Ansley’s life purpose is teaching this divine lesson. Many years from now, Ansley’s spirit will linger when I remember how she and her brave mother taught me what to say to my friend, Claire who lost her baby Adalyn years before. I am so grateful to you and send you hope that these words can provide some peace for you. Love, Jessica Redondo Beach, CA
Thinking of you and your angel, Ansley today. Hugs and love from Redding, CA
Holding space for you. Praying too.
Sacramento, ca
Jessica, I saw this a day late this year, but I will think of your sweet Ansley every July 14, which is the day after my daughter’s birthday (her middle name is Ainsleigh). In Sept. 2012, my nephew Luke was stillborn at 39 weeks. In the following days and months, I spent a lot of time contemplating what we–Luke’s family, and especially my sister and brother-in-law–wanted people to do. And you’re right–when we experience the tragedy of losing a child, we just want people to show up. We know that there are no magical words or actions that will make it “better.” There’s just the need for others to see us in our grief and remember the child with us. Today I’m remembering Ansley and sending love to you and your family from Portland, Oregon.
Sending love from Seattle.
Thank you for sharing the Truth for All of us who have lost a loved one too early. I lost my husband when my sons were 3 and 6. We experienced the same thing. It guts you. We so need oneanther and belong to oneanother. Thank you. I remember you and Ansley and celebrate your whole family!
xop (hugs, kisses, prayers) Teresa
Jessica, you were so brave to share your story. Thinking of you and your precious girl Ansley.
— With love from Michele in Darnestown, Maryland
Thinking of you today Ansley, and your strong mama Jessica.
With love from Brisbane, Australia x
Jessica,
I have no concept of the hardships you have endured losing your sweet Ansley, but I admire your bravery in not only remembering her (instead of hiding from the pain), but for reminding other women that perfection doesn’t count; being present does. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and those of my daughter as well. You will always be Ansley’s precious momma. I will be with you in remembering her also.
I pray for you peace that surpasses understanding.
Calla Rose
The thought of how your heart must hurt, today and everyday, breaks my heart. I can’t imagine your pain, as even trying to brings me to tears. Letting you know my heart goes out to you as we all remember and acknowledge your precious daughter Ansley. I am sending love all the way from Perth, Western Australia.
I am so sorry for your loss. Ansley is so beautiful and so lucky to have such a devoted, loving mother during her time here on earth. As a mommy of an angel baby myself (Farrah), please know that you are not alone, and now you have a beautiful angel watching over you. Lots of love and hugs. Kati Kaizen (California)
Happy Angel Day to your sweet Ansley with much love from Vancouver, Canada!
Sending all my love and prayers your way!!!
Sending you love, strength and empathy from California.
What a beautiful mama you are Jessica for speaking the truth. I’m remembering your beautiful Ansley down here in FL today.
Praying for you and your sweet baby Ansley today….she will not be forgotten. So sorry for your loss…God bless you…..from Albuquerque, nm.