Last month, I was in a room with four hundred women, and we were laughing and crying and just BEING together. Halfway through our time together, a woman stood up and said, “Glennon, what would you say to help people understand the importance of being there for a friend who has lost a child? We lost our daughter, Ansley, seven years ago and most of our friends and family have just fallen away. Now on her birthday and Angel Day- I might receive a card or two. It’s just not enough. Our baby is gone and we need the people who knew her to talk to us about her, but they don’t. Everyone we loved is just silent about it. It makes me feel like Ansley is forgotten. It feels like the world is pretending she never existed.”
I just looked at her for a long moment. The room was completely silent. It was clear to everyone that this woman had single-handedly escorted the four hundred of us into the most important moment of the evening.
I finally said, “What is your name?”
She said, “Jessica.”
I said, “Jessica- you tell us. What would YOU tell people to do?”
And she said, “SHOW UP. Show up right away and then keep showing up. Don’t worry about saying the right thing, there is no right thing. Just say SOMETHING. Just tell us you haven’t forgotten. And say their name. It’s like people are afraid to remind me of her- as if I’m not already thinking about her every moment of every day. Everyone avoids her name- but we still need to hear their names spoken by people who loved them.”
I thanked Ansley’s mama for saying what we all needed to hear. For telling us that when it comes to tragedy- what a friend does is pull together all her brave and run towards the heartbreak and mightily resist the urge to try to fix it and instead just sit in it and soak up a little bit of the love and pain.
And then she says her name. Often. Because your friend is still Ansley’s mama, as certainly and surely and eternally and solidly as you are the mama of your babies. That’s who she STILL IS. Somehow now more than ever. She doesn’t know herself any other way and she doesn’t want to. And so when you don’t acknowledge that part of her, it’s like you’re not even there with her. She needs you to be there with her. With Ansley’s grieving mama.
I said, “Jessica. I don’t know what to say. But listen, I’ll tell you one thing. Ansley’s Angel Day is not going to pass silently this year. I know some people who would love nothing more than to stop and remember Ansley with you. They are the Monkees. You tell me Ansley’s date and then you visit us on her day. “
And Jessica cried and we all cried together – all four hundred of us – for the loss of a baby girl and the pain of a mother and the soothing balm of women who rush toward each other and sit and cry with each other and just give up on saying too many words at all.
Today is Ansley’s Angel Day- July 14. I imagine that Jessica will wake up this morning and look out her window and wonder how in the world it is that the world can keep spinning on the day that her own world died.
I would like for us to stop the world for a moment today to remember Ansley, to honor Jessica, and to hold space for all of our sisters’ great loss and pain and love. Let us do this in two ways:
- Please leave a comment here for Jessica. She will be reading today. Let us show her we cared enough to STOP today and say Ansley’s name. Let us tell her that she is not the only one who is feeling the width and depth today of the loss of Ansley. Also, in your comment- tell Jessica where you’re from. It makes the love feel more real when you can see that it’s covering the globe.
- Then please, in honor of Ansley and Jessica- call to mind a friend who has suffered a great loss and then reach out to her. If you can’t call her, email her. If you can’t email her, text her. Don’t let your lack of time or the perfect thing to say stop you. Just do it. Stop the world for a moment in honor of her. That’s what we do when we pause in the middle of a busy day to reach out to someone who is hurting. We say “to me, you are worth stopping the world for.”
MS-MD has donated $700 to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program in honor of Precious Ansley (who would have been a nine year old girl today) and in honor of her Warrior Mama, Jessica, and in honor of all of you who have lost your babies. I am stopping my world today to tell you that I have no perfect words. I am just here, and I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
G and TWMF
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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4,537 Comments
God Bless you Ansley and God Bless your mommy and the rest of your family xoxo
thinking of you jessica and your little angel ainsley from england x
Thinking of Sweet Ansley today on Tennessee! In heaven, but never forgotten!
Happy Angel Day Ainsley! Thinking of you also Jessica! May God bless you mightily! From Vidor, Texas
Ansley – what a blessing you were to your family, and what a blessing your mama’s heartbreaking honesty is to the Body of Christ. May the Lord meet you today and always.
Thinking of you and your beautiful daughter Ainsley <3 from the above picture I can see she was a happy little girl with a good life. I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sure she is smiling down on you and is very proud of her Mommy! Share share share her life story as there are so many who can benefit from you! Judy, N.J.
Thank you for spreading this message! Thinking of beautiful Ansley and your family from Montgomery, Alabama!
Remembering your Sweet Baby Girl Ansley today, Praying for you Her Sweet Mommy, whom is so well deserving of Special thoughts and Prayers. God bless you.. I would like to write you this poem, that I heard many many years ago, and it never leaves my Mind and Heart,, Dedicating this Poem to your Angel Baby!!
Sweet Ansley : Did you know that God above Created you for me to Love, He picked you out from all the rest because, He knew, I’d love you best. If I go to Heaven and you are NOT there, I’ll write your Name on the Golden stairs, I’ll give the Angels back their wings, Golden Haze and other things, and Just to Prove my Love for you, Ansley, I’ll come back Home, to Look for you.. Many Blessing to Jessica, and Family!!!! ( Fond du lac, Wisconsin)
I’m sorry if I misspelled your Angel’s name<
Jessica, you and Ainsley are in my thoughts and prayers this day and always. From one Angel Momma to another, I send you strength and peace from South Carolina. I would like to think our Sofia and your Ainsley are eating cake in heaven right now.
Love to you and Ansley from New Jersey <3
Ansley is beautiful. I can not even begin to imagine the pain you feel on her angel day. My heart goes out to you and my prayers for you, from Canton Ohio.
I am saying Ansley’s name today. She will never be forgotten! I also have 3 angels and hope they are with you to play with.
God Bless you and your family Jessica, Ansley will surely be watching over you on her Angel day and everyday. I will pray that you have peace in your heart.
I hear these days never get easier for us, we just learn how to hold it in better. I’m not sure, though. We’re approaching three years, but it feels like she died yesterday. I imagine you feel the same way. I’m holding you all in my heart and prayers, and will read an extra book at bedtime to honor her spirit.
Thinking of Ansley and all the other angels gone too soon. <3
Jessica, your Angel Ansely is dancing and playing with the Lord and all of His angels. I imagine her little wings that are growing bigger and stronger everyday. I believe she is looking down on you and your family, keeping watch, loving you from afar. I am from NW Missouri in a very rural area. I have always told my children that when they step outside, and they see the sun shining through the clouds, that it is Jesus standing there watching over us all. And this made me think. It is probably very likely that your beautiful baby girl is standing there holding His hand.
My best friend of more than 30 years lost her granddaughter a year and a half ago. I havent said her name. I didnt realize what I was doing. Zoey Danielle, meet Ansely. I never had the opportunity to meet either of them, but my heart feels full of love for them both. Thank you for having the courage to point out what most of us do to one degree or another, and that is to forget that you are still a mama and Morgan is still a mama and Robin is still Zoey’s Nonny.
Much love to you and to those that need to know your babies arent forgotten.
Love, Jennifer
Praying for you, Jessica, and for your beautiful daughter Ansley, today. Thank you for the courage and honesty in sharing that showing up and saying something… anything… brings the most comfort of all.
Also thinking of my wonderful friend Stephanie and the daughter she recently lost, Wright. I know she won’t be forgotten but this reminds me how important it is to show it.
Love from Boston.
Jessica, I understand. Ainsley will be remembered by us all.
We love you Ansley!
Joplin, MO
Jessica, you and little Ansley have love being sent from Alaska. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Love to you Jessica and your angel Ansley from an angel Kayla’s mama in Dublin Ireland
I can’t make your pain go away and I can’t make the Angel day any brighter but please know that your in my thoughts and my heart ! To have someone taken away so young must hurt beyond all physical pain ! With all my love for you and your loved ones , may your little star shine extra bright for you xxx
She is beautiful! You and your family are in my thoughts! <3
Happy Angel Day, Ansley! You and your Mom and your family are not forgotten! I pray that your family felt your presence on your Angel Day and every day. I often wonder if all the angel babies are together and know each other and their families. Maybe you and my 2 angels, Ethan and Baby Dove, play together. Love and hugs from one bereaved Mom to another.
Lauren Bishop- Senoia, Georgia
I am saying Ansley’s name in Utah today, and it is a truly lovely name. Thank you for sharing the pictures, because she is so beautiful as well. My heart is with you.
Never to be forgotten sweet girl xxx
Preston UK
Thinking of you and Ansley today. So sorry for your loss. I weep with you.
Today, the mother in me honors the mother in you.
Thinking of you today, Jessica. Praying for God’s peace and comfort each day. Ansley looks like a little angel. I live in Wichita Falls and my great niece was killed in a car wreck at age 21. We always celebrate her life each Thanksgiving by letting go of purple and yellow balloons. That way the younger children in the family can still remember her. My favorite verse is Revelation 21:4. GOD SHALL WIPE AWAY ALL TEARS FROM OUR EYES AND THERE WILL BE NO MORE SORROW, OR PAIN.
Thinking of your family & Ansley:) I live in Maryland. Thank you for inviting all of us to step into grief & love & feelings even when we don’t know what to say. Prayers to you and other moms & dads missing their babies.
I am so glad you said this Jessica… I have a friend that had her 5 year old go play in her petting zoo ( a long story but Ashlee said she had a dream that Jesus came and told her he was taking her to the animals before she died of cancer) . I quit calling because I did not want to upset her. Forget that I am calling today…. and we are going to talk about Ashlee and how she made us laugh!
Saw this post through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Saying a prayer for Jessica and sweet Ansley on her angel day. I have an angel myself and it’s the hardest thing in the world. March 7th is my son’s angel day. He would have turned 6 on January 2nd of this year.
Love, thoughts, and prayers for all who loved Ansley, especially her momma. Thank you for being brave enough to say what some of your fellow mothers in the bereavement community don’t always have the courage to say. I’ve found it hard myself to mention my little girl Lindsey around some friends because it feels like they don’t want to share the grief anymore. Thank you for letting us share yours! From Utah
I am thinking of you today on this very special day. I too, have 2 special angels. My daughter, Adler, and my son, Sawyer. You have spoken all the feelings I have always thought since these 2 devastating days. I often want to yell at friends and family to please just talk about them. They were here on this earth for a while, if only shortly, and they were my world. As you said, they DID exist!!
Please know that I am thinking about you on this day, with many others it seems. Blowing a special kiss to heaven to Ainsley and a hug to you.
Thank you, Jessica for saying exactly how I’ve felt. Your daughter, Ansley, was and IS. God bless you in your time of healing.
Thinking about Ansley today. I have two angels with your little girl. Lots of love and prayers from Jessica in California.
Jessica, First, this post alone shows you all angel parents that have you, Ansley, and your family in our thoughts and hearts. We will never forget our lost little ones. Ever. I was seriously, and very literally, just having this same conversation this afternoon with another mama of a lost son. One of the newest endeavors for our organization (The Tangerine Owl Project, in Chicago area) is to spread awareness of HOW to help those who have lost infants…..not just in monetary donations and in grief, but in ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of the lost child. He or she was a human, who had a life, albeit brief, but they DESERVE to be acknowledged as a person. Our hearts go out to you, and I will share with every person I know to keep this from being such a taboo to talk about. Yes, its uncomfortable, but so is life, and bad things happen, that doesn’t mean we can just make them go away by not mentioning them. Such a wonderful story/post. THANK YOU for sharing.
Remembering Ansley <3
Thinking and praying for you and your sweet girl. What an amazing mama you are. <3, Lily's Mommy
Jessica, you are loved. And, Ansley is remembered.
Praying for comfort and peace on Ansley’s angel day.
Ansley was a beautiful little girl and she is being remembered today and always, Jessica. Always and forever you will be Ansley’s mom.
From Columbia, South Carolina
Ansley, you baby girl, have the most brave and strong mommy ever. Remember to always look down on her, to send sunshine when her sky might turn a little dark; to send her a little rain when her heart might feel a little dry; lovely sunsets for her to share with you and tons and tons of kisses, drawn as stars in the sky just for her to feel them deeply in her soul.
Happy Angel Day, beautiful Ansley! <3
We lost our first great grandchild at birth. We have learned, sometimes people don’t say anything because they don’t want to make you cry. They don’t understand that you cry anyway. The difference is, when our friends remain silent, we cry alone. God Bless you, God bless Ansley.
Happy birthday sweet baby Ainsley from Sydney Australia. Yes it’s so important to not forget our sweet babies who have departed this earth. My daughter lost her son last year she posted one day she hopes no one forgets Dustin. It’s sad to say reality is they will. The most important thing is we won’t. Dear Jessica you have a beautiful daughter. X
Thinking of you and Ansley today! Sending love and blessings! ♡ MISSION TEXAS
I just came across this from a post from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. Please add another day to the list of when your sweet angel Ansley’s name is said and remembered. I am the mom of an angel myself, Wyatt Isaiah and what you mentioned is so true. No one says his name so I created a FB page (Wyatt’s Wrangler’s) so every time it’s looked at, he’s remembered. Sending hugs to you from North Hudson, NY. <3
I’m thinking about you and your family. I know it’s a day late, but everyday should be a reason to celebrate your little one. Thank you for sharing.
From one brokenhearted mama to another – I am praying for you from Texas.
Thinking about you and your loss, angel Ansley. You will see her again sooner than you think. Much love from Alabama.
Jessica, I’m thinking of you and Ansley today. I’m sending all of my love to you and to Ansley and to your family. Dallas, Texas
Jessica…I share your tears for your empty arms when it is time for a hug. I share your tears when you pass the door to her room. I share hyour tears on her birthday & I share your tears on Ainsley’s Angel day.
TerraLynn’s Mom
Jessica, I have no words but I have many prayers for you and sweet Ansley. May the Holy Spirit wrap around you and fill your hearts with comfort and peace. In our thoughts from Sulphur, Louisiana.
Thinking of you and your angel, Ansley.
Thinking of you and Ansley today. From Appomattox, Va
Thinking about you and your beautiful angel today <3 You and Ansley are very loved, even though I don't know you, I am sending all my love, and good energy your way <3
Thinking of your baby Ansley, Jessica. I didn’t read this until today, but I grieve for her with you, as well as I grieve for my lost baby Luke, who was stillborn September 10, 2012 at 39 weeks. The invisibility of our lost babies is the most unbearable part of losing him…The fact that sometimes it feels like the rest of the world keeps spinning and moving on, while I’m stuck here, without him, every single day, thinking about him and how he’s gone. The best thing anyone can do is say his name. To acknowledge he was here. So I’ll add your Ansley to my list of babies who I continually think about who were lost too soon. ♥
Sending you love and hugs Jessica.. thinking of sweet Ansley and knowing my Daddy has a sweet little girl to make him smile and to share his oreos with..
So much love coming to you from an old father of three and a grandfather of one. Please know my heart is with you
Jessica, I just saw this and I wanted to commend you for having the strength to say what all of us who have lost a child were thinking when everyone we knew seemed to shy away and disappear. Ansley’s angleversary will never be forgotten and you will forever be Ansley’s momma. Sending you love and hugs from NC.
Ansley is a beautiful name for a beautiful angel. Speak her name often and live your life to the fullest in her honor! ♡ from Louisville, KY
Hey just want to say we are thinking of you today and your special wee girl. Ansley. You are a amazing mum and thank you for sharing.
Thinking of you and Ansley today oxoxox
Today I would like to remember your Angel Ansley. My heart breaks with you and for you. It seems as if our angel babies are up there together without us. Have a blast today Ansley & Gavin!
RIP GMM! 3/25/14-6/9/14
Remembering your beautiful Ansley with love in Chicago, Illinois
Sending love from Scotland on your special Angel day. Lots of love to you Jessica – your wee Ansley won’t be forgotten.
I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling at the loss of such a sweet little girl as Ansley. I pray that the love of friends will bring you comfort and that God’s love will bring you peace. Know that people here in Washington, Oklahoma, are thinking of you and Ansley today.
From the heartland of Wisconsin…Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Ansley would be proud of her mama’s bravery.
Thinking of you and your sweet Ansley girl. Much love from Kansas.
Sending love, hope and peace.
~Carrie
Happy Birthday in Heaven Ansley! And to Mom Jessica, and your family, you are a brave, strong Mama, and your sweet girl watches over you everyday. I hope that she is playing with the other Angels today and everyday, including my own two, Ella Grace and Alex Ember, I will remember Ansley’s beautiful name with you. Love and prayers from Upstate New York! <3
Jessica,
I too lost my daughter (almost 3 years ago). I’ve tried to understand, make sense, and accept it. Despite my efforts, I can only say I have accepted it because I cannot change it. Your words were spot-on. People drift away, feel uncomfortable, and truly don’t want to make a grieving parent feel worse. Some are also hurting inside and let the distractions of the everyday redirect their thoughts. Thank you for expressing the words that so clearly define how the loss of a child feels to parents. I know my husband feels this way too, and dads are often the last ones to share their grief in words. Ansley was a lucky girl to have had a mommy that loved her so deeply. Sending love and prayers from Arvada, Colorado.
Ansley you and your Mama and all your family and friends are in our thoughts and prayers today and in the Healing Room where I meditate on friends and family that I have lost or who are in pain through their own loss. Jessica may your faith in the Love you have for Ansley sustain you all your life and may this faith withstand the negative days and may you find a way through those days to where you reach an oasis of understanding and a place of peace within yourselves. God bless.
What a beautiful child. Praying for your heart today.
God Bless you Ansley’s mommy!!! You have forever left an impact on my mama heart! Prayers & hugs from Argyle Tx!
So incredibly sorry for your loss and so heartbroken for you. We are all at a loss to come up with the right words to feel that we are offering some support, yet as this article helps us to understand – anything is better than nothing. I wish you could be holding your darling Ansley and watching her grow up. Even if people hold back, for most people their intentions are probably good – albeit misguided. We are all uneducated about how to help grieving parents so articles like this help so much. A friend from my mothers’ group lost her dear boy River at 4 months old. She established River’s Gift to raise funds for SIDS research. My heart and thoughts go out to you from Torquay, Australia. Much love x
I am here, with tears falling down, holding my baby Henry a little tighter just for you and your sweet Ansley. May you find moments of peace always. Sending much love and hugs from Fairfax, VA.
Wow! Love this story and the brave mommy for sharing her feelings and heart! Thank you for sharing Ansley with us! What a precious little angel! I have several friends including my sister who have lost their precious child and I am greatful for this insight! Hugs to you from Denton, Tx
Happy birthday to your beautiful baby girl. Thoughts and prayers coming to you from Arlington, VA.
Happy Anisley Angel Day! I do not know you but I know in my heart you are a strong and wonderful Mom and always will be! Thank you for sharing your story to help us to know what to do for others in similar situations. Anisley has made you a teacher of many and now we will go off to give proper support to other amazing Moms like you. May your day be blessed with memories, smiles and peace! Thank you again for your wonderful lesson! God Bless you and your family!
Love and prayers going out to you, Miss Jessica, for the loss of your sweet Ansley. <3 Thank you for teaching us how to be better warriors for those who have lost so greatly. From Pueblo, CO
I’m holding space for you, Jessica. Thank you for sharing your sweet angel Ansley with me today. Sending you love from Maine.
From Boston, MA….I and so sorry for your loss. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for being brave and for speaking the truth- no matter how much it hurts.
Jessica, I’m saying Ansley’s name and reaching out to my dear friend who lost her son 6 years ago. I’m telling her I haven’t forgotten and I’m mentioning his name over and over as I recall precious memories of him. Thank you for telling us what to do, what to say, how to honor the mother and the child. I’m honoring Ansley right now. Thank you for your courage and may God bless you richly. Sending love to you from me, Kelley Larkin, a total stranger in Sarasota, FL.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, and Ansley, and your family and friends.
Thinking of you on this special day. What a beautiful and special child. Prayers for the family from Lebanon, VA
You and your family are in my heart. I cannot imagine how strong one must be to go forward with your lives…you, Jessica are a Goddess Warrior…bless you and your family and beautiful little Ansley’s spirit – what a cutie pie she was! May you know there are so many of us who send you peace and love and prayers on this day and every day. xo
I am sorry for our loss Jessica ! Ansley is being remembered today and even though I do not know you I am grieving and mourning with you. My best friend lost her baby this past weekend and I didn’t know what to say or do just be present with her and her husband and family. Thank you for showing me how to stay connected and to SHOW UP and remembering the child . I love you and I pray that God continues to bring peace and strength to your life and your husband. I know a part of your heart is missing but it’s because that part of your heart belongs to her now. Thank you for your encouraging me today
Jessica:
I am crying and I do not know you. I did not get to experience your Ansley here in this life. I hope to in the next.
Your brave question speaks for all who live and love and suffer loss. Your brave question makes me re-assess what I do and how I do it, when faced with a friend’s or a family member’s loss.
The things I now vow to do, is to ASK the person affected, “How can I help?” I will ask, “Do you want me to outwardly remember the day, the anniversary, the loss?” or, “Would it be better that I not bring it up, unless you do?”
I will ask, “What would you like to do on the commemorative day?”. I will suggest, “Maybe we could celebrate with his/her favorite foods?” or “How would if feel to just sit and look at photos, videos, share memories and trade stories?”.
I will think to send a card and then, I will ACTUALLY send the card. I will pray when the person comes to my mind and I will TELL the person, “Hey, I was just thinking of you today and felt like praying for your needs. Is there anything specific you’d like me to partner with you about in prayer?”.
I vow that I will be a better do-er of the things that bring comfort to hurting hearts.
Happy Angel Day, Ansley. I hope we make you proud, as we love on your Mama.
Sincerely and with the fond affection of a sister in the journey,
Teri (from Iowa)
I love the name Ansley. What an adorable little girl!!! Prayers and thoughts coming your way!!!!
Much love to you and your loved ones from Lehi, Utah on such a difficult day. Ansley is a beautiful girl.
We are praying with you today and send you a big virtual hug from California. Thank you for teaching us through your trial. We will be better friends to all those we love because of it. <3
Shedding a tear for Ansley and her family who have lost so much~ Melbourne, Australia
I know you are celebrating Ansley not only on her Angel day but everyday. Sending love from Chattanooga, TN
I’m so sorry for your loss Jessica and for the painful silence. Ansley is a beautiful girl and has opened up a lot of eyes with the help of you, her courageous mama! Sending lots of love from Massachusetts!
Ansley is such a unique name! I’ve never heard it before reading this. I understand losing a child. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I’ve have three angels up there. I’m happy Jessica found the courage to speak so brutal and honest about her needs. Especially when it comes to losing a child. Prayers and love to everybody that has suffered in this way. Mitakuye Oyasin
Kia ora from New Zealand. Love to you Jessica and remembering your darling Ansley <3
Jessica- Thinking of you and Ansley today. Praying prayers of peace.
Thinking of little Ansley today. God bless her sweet family.
From Jack’s mummy to Ainsley’s mommy – thinking of you from Melbourne, Australia. Thank you for your words.
Thinking of your beautiful girl Ansley today, and sending loving arms to comfort all those whose hearts ache for her. Love to you Mama Jessica. From Whangarei, New Zealand.