Last month, I was in a room with four hundred women, and we were laughing and crying and just BEING together. Halfway through our time together, a woman stood up and said, “Glennon, what would you say to help people understand the importance of being there for a friend who has lost a child? We lost our daughter, Ansley, seven years ago and most of our friends and family have just fallen away. Now on her birthday and Angel Day- I might receive a card or two. It’s just not enough. Our baby is gone and we need the people who knew her to talk to us about her, but they don’t. Everyone we loved is just silent about it. It makes me feel like Ansley is forgotten. It feels like the world is pretending she never existed.”
I just looked at her for a long moment. The room was completely silent. It was clear to everyone that this woman had single-handedly escorted the four hundred of us into the most important moment of the evening.
I finally said, “What is your name?”
She said, “Jessica.”
I said, “Jessica- you tell us. What would YOU tell people to do?”
And she said, “SHOW UP. Show up right away and then keep showing up. Don’t worry about saying the right thing, there is no right thing. Just say SOMETHING. Just tell us you haven’t forgotten. And say their name. It’s like people are afraid to remind me of her- as if I’m not already thinking about her every moment of every day. Everyone avoids her name- but we still need to hear their names spoken by people who loved them.”
I thanked Ansley’s mama for saying what we all needed to hear. For telling us that when it comes to tragedy- what a friend does is pull together all her brave and run towards the heartbreak and mightily resist the urge to try to fix it and instead just sit in it and soak up a little bit of the love and pain.
And then she says her name. Often. Because your friend is still Ansley’s mama, as certainly and surely and eternally and solidly as you are the mama of your babies. That’s who she STILL IS. Somehow now more than ever. She doesn’t know herself any other way and she doesn’t want to. And so when you don’t acknowledge that part of her, it’s like you’re not even there with her. She needs you to be there with her. With Ansley’s grieving mama.
I said, “Jessica. I don’t know what to say. But listen, I’ll tell you one thing. Ansley’s Angel Day is not going to pass silently this year. I know some people who would love nothing more than to stop and remember Ansley with you. They are the Monkees. You tell me Ansley’s date and then you visit us on her day. “
And Jessica cried and we all cried together – all four hundred of us – for the loss of a baby girl and the pain of a mother and the soothing balm of women who rush toward each other and sit and cry with each other and just give up on saying too many words at all.
Today is Ansley’s Angel Day- July 14. I imagine that Jessica will wake up this morning and look out her window and wonder how in the world it is that the world can keep spinning on the day that her own world died.
I would like for us to stop the world for a moment today to remember Ansley, to honor Jessica, and to hold space for all of our sisters’ great loss and pain and love. Let us do this in two ways:
- Please leave a comment here for Jessica. She will be reading today. Let us show her we cared enough to STOP today and say Ansley’s name. Let us tell her that she is not the only one who is feeling the width and depth today of the loss of Ansley. Also, in your comment- tell Jessica where you’re from. It makes the love feel more real when you can see that it’s covering the globe.
- Then please, in honor of Ansley and Jessica- call to mind a friend who has suffered a great loss and then reach out to her. If you can’t call her, email her. If you can’t email her, text her. Don’t let your lack of time or the perfect thing to say stop you. Just do it. Stop the world for a moment in honor of her. That’s what we do when we pause in the middle of a busy day to reach out to someone who is hurting. We say “to me, you are worth stopping the world for.”
MS-MD has donated $700 to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program in honor of Precious Ansley (who would have been a nine year old girl today) and in honor of her Warrior Mama, Jessica, and in honor of all of you who have lost your babies. I am stopping my world today to tell you that I have no perfect words. I am just here, and I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
G and TWMF
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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4,536 Comments
Jessica…my heart goes out to you because like you I lost my daughter too. I always hated hearing people say that word…Lost…like I could find her. My daughter was 32 but she was still my baby. I understand how it feels that people try to avoid talking about them so as to not hurt your feelings but it hurts more to feel like people are making it seem like they were never there. Know that this mom is praying for you and holding you up in prayer….AND thanking God that HE created our “little girls” and that he opened HIS arms to welcome them home!
Thinking of you and your baby and praying for you! Ainsley is such a beautiful name and she was beautiful little girl! Reaching through the internet with a hug for you!
Some say the compassion and care only lasts as long as the flowers. Those who have lost need it for ever. Much love Jessica. My husband committed suicide eight weeks ago. I rarely hear from anyone already. I wish you love and support, and much strength.
Thinking of you and your little Ansley today. Lots of love from NYC
Dear Jessica, you are not alone. We will celebrate Ansley’s life and honour her memory with you. All the way from Australia. x
Hi, I’m from St. Louis, MO. Praying and thinking of you today. Thank you for giving me the courage to reach out to those who have lost children. I’m afraid to hurt friends with my insensitive words. Thank you for helping me spread love and kindness to others. Praying for your family today on this day of remembrance.
Hi Jessica, thinking of you in RI. Thank you for sharing photos of Ansley with us.
Dear Jessica: We recently lost our three year old little boy Rodrigo, it is such a painful road, I know the pain, the huge emptiness one feels as a mother, I talk about him every day… All I can tell you is that God gives me strength every minute…my prayers go out to you… I’ve in California…please know you are not alone!
Hi Jessica, Just wanted to leave you a comment to let you know that I read this blog today and it put a lump right in my throat wow. You see my granddaughter’s name is Ansley too! Ansley Elizabeth and she is the light of my life just as I’m sure your Ansley was for you. How strange that is an unusual name for me to stumble upon this post. Showing up with love and prayers for you today from North Carolina.
I love her name so very unique as you are. My little one’s birthday is coming up. I understand how you feel and hope you read these comments over and over. I am sending you hugs and butterfly kisses from Logan, Ohio. We love and miss you Ansley, I hope you have found Michelle up there and maybe you two girls are sitting there giggling.
Thinking about you and that sweet little Ansley. My friend lost her infant son and this was such a great reminder to continue reaching out to her. Thank you for sharing your beautiful girl.
I wish you a blessed day full of love from humans and angels.
Writing from Indiana
My thought and prayers are with you all. What a precious gift Ansley is! Thank you for sharing your story.
Racine, WI
Remembering your beautiful Ansley today…in Indiana.
Hello Jessica, my name is Sjoertje and I’m from Veenendaal, the Netherlands.
What you have gone -and still are going- through is heartbreaking.
Please know that your little Ansley and you and your family will be in my thoughts. I admire your bravery in mentioning your pain, even though it won’t be convenient for the people around you for doing so. Well then, do not be convenient. Keep mentioning your daughter, she is still you daughter and you are her mother, even if she is no longer here.
What a beautiful name..Ansley..thank you for sharing your experience it sure does help people, like me that don’t know how to act or react to such a loss.
May you be blessed and find comfort..from Florida with love
Thinking of you from Santa Cruz, CA.
Ansley was a beautiful girl! I’m sure she is very proud of her Mama for speaking up, and letting people know how she feels! I lost my son Brandon, 33 years ago at the age if 4 1/2 mos old to SIDS. There are only a very few people who ever mention him to me. The pain if losing him has lessened over the years, but my memories of him are, and always will be very clear and present! He is with me in my heart every day! Thanks for sharing your precious child with the world!
Delaware is thinking if you and Ansley today. I look for a place to say my sons Joseph’s name out loud everyday. I want to kiss any friend or family member that will mention Joseph.
I adore the twinkle in Ansley’s eye and the “life loving” pictures you chose to share. I have two young girls and it just breaks my heart to see your loss. Holding space for you in Chicago.
Jessica, I am from Hamilton, Ontario. My daughter Was birnstill almost 10 years ago. Thank-you for sharing Ansley with so many and educating people! Sending a huge hug to you and thinking of Ansley on her Angel day!
To Jessica and Ansley — a beautiful name for a beautiful angel. Sending all good memories today from St. Paul, Minnesota.
Forgot to tell you. I am from God’s Country. Grass Valley, California in the Sierra Nevada Foothills.
As I began reading when you said you just wanted people to say her name….i felt like finally someone else that knows how important that is. 3 yrs ago i lost Katherine and I feel like I am the only one that still remembers her. Thanks for speaking up about Ansley.Now we know a little bit about her.
Jessica,
In honor of Ansley, I took the time to reach out to a friend who also lost a child.
Sunnie, Nashville
Lost my son to suicide when he was 31, 8 1/2 years ago. I very rarely hear his name anymore. I belong to a group of mothers who have lost children and it is so awesome how many times we hear our children’s name. May God bless you with the knowledge that we are saying her name today. Ansley. What a beautiful little girl who had a mom that loved her so much, even for a short time.
God Bless
Jessica, your Ansley is gorgeous. I’m so sorry you can’t hug her today.
I lost my sister last month. She went to sleep perfectly healthy, and just simply didn’t wake up. I struggle with the same thing. Here one day gone the next…And we just keep living each day…doing the same Ole same ole….like she didn’t even matter. I give you my sympathy and love and somewhat understand a small part of your sadness. We have 2 separate situations, but both are grieving and that just sucks. So, take care and keep putting one foot in front of the other and talk about memories and say their names. Barb and Ansley, you are not forgotten .
I lost a beautiful son and it helps me to picture him playing in heaven with the other beautiful children who’ve spent way too short a time in our arms. I am sure he is taking very good care of Ansley. Another thing that really helped me is when my husband said, We have to be better people for having had him. We can’t be sad and miserable because we lost him, that is not much of a tribute to the beautiful gift that he was. Ansley was very lucky to be your special angel while on this earth. If you don’t already do it, celebration her birthday too!
Thinking of you, Jessica. Thank you for teaching the rest of us what to do when we don’t know what to do. We’ve all failed miserably in this regard. I’ve not suffered a loss like yours but my heart goes out to you from Grand Haven, MI. Janice
Remembering Ansley, Jessica and many other sweet babies that went home “too soon”.
Stopping my world for Ansley and Jessica today! Praying for continued healing and comfort. From Keller Texas!
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost a grandson, Blake, on July 25th at the age of 20 days. He would have been 7 on July 5th. Thoughts and prayers go out to you!!!
Thinking of you from Kentucky. Your daughter was beautiful! Sara
Seeing Ansley’s sweet face and then her grave maker below broke my heart. I am so sorry you lost your sweet baby girl. I lost my son Martin halfway through my first pregnancy and think about him constantly. Your story reminds me of how proud I am to be his mom and to keep saying his name, even when it may make others feel uncomfortable. I will be thinking of sweet Ansley.
Jessica, thank you for sharing Ansley with all of us. What a beautiful girl!! You are in my prayers today.
Thinking of Ansley and her mama and family and praying for those who grieve…
You’re reaching out has helped many others. Holding space for you and your sweet angel. Bless you and all the women who have lost their babies.
Ansley is such a beautiful name. Today in New Hampshire I honor your little girls spirit. May you find a morsel of peace knowing that she is not forgotten.
From Uganda, Africa…Praying for you and your family today, Jessica! Lifting up all of those who have lost children to The One who understands and draws you close to Himself, especially in your sorrow.
Thinking of you and Ansley in Chicago, IL.
Thinking of Ansley today, and praying for your family from Saint Paul,MN.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Jessica. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you to miss Ansley every day. You will be her mama forever. Thank you for teaching us all how to help others when we want to help, but we just don’t know how.
Denver, CO
Ansley is in my heart and on my mind today.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your baby Ansley is beautiful.
Dena in Hampton, Va
Thinking of you and Ansley today and always! Please know that to other baby loss moms we always think of each other and of the angels gone to soon. Thank you for saying out loud what we all think!!! ((Hugs))
Hello Jessica. I once had a priest tell me that every time you think of someone you have lost that it is a prayer for that person. Looking at all the posts here….there are a lot of prayers going out for wee Ansley and you and your family. Blessings on you.
Jessica-
I am so sorry for your loss. Sending some sunshine (and hugs) from michigan today.
Sending love your way and thanking God for the gift that Ansley was in the world. Love from Waco, Texas.
Stopping for a moment and remembering your sweet girl and your family. We live in Hawaii and a rainbow just appeared in the sky…..kinda think it’s for you!
So so sorry for your loss, Jessica. Sending love and prayers from Colorado to you and all those that love Ansley. Thank you for sharing your heart and giving those of us walking alongside others through their own losses some insight into how to do that better, how to love them better.
Thinking of Ansley and you, in Stafford, Virginia.
I am sorry I saw this a day late but we are thinking of you and Ansley today. Thank you for speaking up and helping people understand! Hugs to you.
Tampa, FL
Ansley was beautiful. So sorry for your loss and in awe of your strength, Jessica, for making it through these 2 years. With love from Mexico xxx
Prayers from Maryland, asking the Lord to comfort your hearts.
Prayers to you and your daughter today.
Jessica, sending love to you from Lake Tahoe, CA for the loss of your beautiful Ansley. I lost my precious son Jimmy 2 1/2 years ago, and you’re right – people don’t talk about him. That’s why I go to bereavement group meetings as often as possible. The other Moms understand!
Thank you for your sharing so that we can all be better friends and family to those who have lost children. I’m so so sorry for your loss and pray you find more peace and support.
Jessica, I just saw this post today, so I am a day late. But I, too, am thinking of you and Ansley. I pray God’s comfort for you. I pray you will trust God to be working through your pain and loss. Love from Guadalajara, Mexico
Thank you Jessica for being brave enough to say what you need. Today I have cried with you as I read your story and saw your pictures of such a precious girl. Much love to you and sweet thoughts of Ansley.
Sending love and prayers!
Jessica,
Ansley is so precious. My heart breaks for you and for all parents who’ve suffered such tragic loss. My sister and brother-in-law lost their four month old son, Grant, to SIDS on November 5, 2013. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief when it happened, and also paralyzed by my lack of understanding of their needs following such a horrific life altering event. Thank you for providing insight into their world, and for reminding me that I need to SHOW UP, and keep showing up. Please know that I am showing up for you as well, and lifting you and Ansley in prayer. God bless you.
Debra Harris
Houston, Texas
Sorry to be late to remember sweet baby Ansley. Her pictures are precious. As I’m sure her memory is to you and anyone who knew her. This is a cruel world that we live in but know that there is plenty of good in it as well. Ansley is proof of that. I will carry your story in my heart always and send you all my love on this and every day. From Queens New York!
Hi Jessica! Ansley had a good mommy to be so brave to bring this up among so may people! God Bless you and your family. Sorry I am late with this! Love from Davenport, Iowa….Kristine
What a beautiful little girl, and I am so sorry for your loss. Ansley may not have been in this physical world for very long, but she has certainly left an incredible legacy of love. Sending you loving hugs across the miles.
Thinking of Ansley in Nebraska.
Thinking of you and Ansley today. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Jessica,
Hugs to you on this special day. Ansley, such a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl. You are so right…..I too lost my son 32 weeks ago. I too know the pain of friends not staying in touch, not sending a note, not being there when you need them most. It makes the pain worse. When I am with them and talk about my son, the silence is deafening. I don’t understand…….
There is no greater loss than the loss of a precious child. God bless you today. Ansley is looking down from above and is smiling at the love you are getting.
With great understanding, Jill, forever mother of Jack 1996-2013
Thinking of you and your sweet Ansley today and every July 14th hereafter. Know you are cared for by “mommas” everywhere who may not understand your pain but can still grieve with you at the thought of losing something so precious. You are a strong momma and also a monkee which means you have all of US to celebrate Ansley with you. Thank you for speaking out. Your words really made a difference.
Jessica you are in my prayers…I am heartbroken for you because of the loss of your precious Ansley…what an inspiration you are….look at the attention you have brought to such an important topic…being there for a friend when you don’t really know what to say…it took a lot of courage to bring this to the surface…and hold us accountable to our friends who are in pain…thank you…many prayers for you from Memphis, Tn…
Jessica, I can’t imagine how much that hole in your heart must hurt. I am sure your friends are just afraid. I hope that they learn that by talking about beautiful, sweet Ansley, it can help rather than harm. Stay strong sister. Love from Roanoke, VA
Thinking of Ansley and the gaping hole she has left in your world. Hugging you in spirit from Vermont. Derry
Jessica – thinking of you and Ansley today as I think of my Lauren every day for the last 3.5 years. You are not alone and there are many others out there who also see the world through the slightly cracked lens we view it through. Hugs from NJ.
So sorry for your loss of sweet baby Ansley; so much love to you from Maine today.
Jessica,
I am 100% in your shoes. My son died 8 yrs ago and my greatest fear is that his name and memories will die with me. No one remembers his birthday. No one calls. I’m lucky if I can even get one person to walk with me for the March of Dimes! The perfect thing to say to any grieving parent (person)…. I thought of you and (insert name here) today. He/she is not forgotten!
Your daughter was beautiful and I thought of both of you today. She will NEVER be forgotten!
Denielle
Thinking of little Ansley today. May we more quickly and tenderly reach out to others because of her. Hugs from North Carolina.
My heart goes out to you as you are missing your sweet Ansley.
Your little Ansley made a difference. Look at how her love is bringing so many people together! Spokane, WA
Jessica – what a beauty there is in Ansley. God created a perfect child and angel and chose you to forever be her mother! I can’t imagine what you and your family went through and still go through. But, please know that your story touched MY heart. I pray that friends and family of yours continue to remember Ansley in the beautiful light that was her earthly life and speak to you often of her. In Jesus name I pray – Amen 🙂
Thinking of you … I’ll ask my sister who became an angel September 6, 2014 to give her a big momma hug
I love how you have taken ansley’s angel day to her grave – it looks do beautiful and everyone will know how incredibly loved she is. Jessica – you are going it hard, mama. Ansley’s was such a cutie and must have filled your lives with giggles – I see that cheeky smile on her !! You are always the mama of this beautiful girl, and I’m holding space for you in these hard days. A long distance hug from New Zealand!!
Love susi
Your Ansley is beautiful. I am thinking about you all the way from Colchester in England. Many virtual hugs from across the pond.
Jessica–I am so sorry for your loss and I am so proud of you for warrior-ing on. Ansley was blessed to have you and I know you were blessed to have her. I’m thinking about you and praying for you today.
From Georgia.
Love and prayers are felt and said for you, Shane, Campbell, and Ansley far more often than her birthday or Angel day. I hope you are aware of our love those days among all the others. If not, that is a failure on my part and I couldn’t begin to apologize enough.
Jessica, wishing for you to feel Ansley’s wings wrapped tightly around you. Hugs from one angel mother to another (Evelynn Pearl Bauernfeind 4/5/2006-9/15/2012). From Faribault Mn…
Jessica,
Holding you and your family close to my heart today on Ansley’s Angel Day! Much love from another grieving momma in Denver! My son Doss passed away in March of 2007, leaving his twin sister, momma and daddy here to remember and honor him in all that we do!
xoxo – Jen
I’ve never commented on this blog before but this is the perfect first time. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby Ansley. I am one of those people that doesn’t know what to say and I don’t want to make anyone cry so I don’t say anything. I am saying a prayer for you and your baby today, Jessica. I am writing from Virginia.
Ansley had a wonderful mother, she as blessed by you and you by her. Lots of love to you on this day. xo
Ansley, Ansley, what a sweet name for a dear child who left this earth too soon. Your mom and so many others are thinking of you today, they miss you so much. You were well loved and your mom loved being your mommy.
Ansley. A beautiful name. I’ve read this blog by Glennon. I’m sad for you, mom. I had a friend show up for me today. She said, “How are you really doing?” It was comforting. Now I’m showing up for you. Thank you for being the best mother in the world for your daughter. I’m so sorry she had to go to Heaven.
Saginaw, MI, USA
Sending you love today. Thinking of Ansley, you and your entire family. In the Jewish tradition we say may her soul be bound up in the bond of life and may her memory be a blessing. I hope today and everyday your memories of Ansley and her tragically short life are a blessing each and every day!
Dear Jessica,
How could we ever know that intense aching pain that you feel everyday? You wonder how “the world” can ever keep on going when your world has stopped. Take heart, dear momma, that Ansley would want you to go on without her, let the world know about her, help others who are grieving from loss, to do good in the world, and to smile at her beautiful memory. Your life has drastically changed…I feel utter sadness for you as I remember my own niece and her fiancé who were killed in a car accident a few years ago. Hugs for you every Angel Day! Grimsby, Ontario, Canada.
Jessica, Ansley is the third 2-year-old whose death has come to me today, and my heart is just breaking for you as I sit here with my own 2-year-old sleeping upstairs. May you and all the grieving mamas here be surrounded by grace and filled with peace. May you find comfort through your tears, and may the names of your precious children be frequently on the lips of those who love you.
God bless you and Ansley today! I hope the love your getting helps heal that hurt of those that weren’t present for you when you needed it most. God has Ansley and I know her love for her Mama is as strong as an Angel’s love can be. Watching over you and always in your soul. Prayers to your family.
Thank you Jessica for standing up and for making the rest of us aware to SHOW UP! Sending love to you and your precious Ansley!!
From one Jessica to another…thinking of you on your beautiful Ansley’s Angel Day today, and holding you in my heart xx
Jessica, Thank you for sharing your needs. They are what we need to know. I will always rush forward. I am thinking of Ansley and her mother today, in Jacksonville, Florida.
Kirsten
In the years I’ve read this blog, I’ve donated money to charitable efforts, but I don’t think I’ve ever just commented. The photos and story about Ansley instantly brought tears to my eyes and I felt like not commenting wasn’t an option. We lost my SIL six years ago, and I know that sometimes I feel awkward bringing her up to my MIL (even though I think of her always) because I don’t want to make her sad. I hate to think that my lack of acknowledgement could be interpreted as a lack of caring. This has been a good reminder for me, so thank you!
Jessica, thank you for the love and strength you carry, for not letting death stop you from being Ansley’s mama.
Sending love and prayers your way from Seattle!