Last month, I was in a room with four hundred women, and we were laughing and crying and just BEING together. Halfway through our time together, a woman stood up and said, “Glennon, what would you say to help people understand the importance of being there for a friend who has lost a child? We lost our daughter, Ansley, seven years ago and most of our friends and family have just fallen away. Now on her birthday and Angel Day- I might receive a card or two. It’s just not enough. Our baby is gone and we need the people who knew her to talk to us about her, but they don’t. Everyone we loved is just silent about it. It makes me feel like Ansley is forgotten. It feels like the world is pretending she never existed.”
I just looked at her for a long moment. The room was completely silent. It was clear to everyone that this woman had single-handedly escorted the four hundred of us into the most important moment of the evening.
I finally said, “What is your name?”
She said, “Jessica.”
I said, “Jessica- you tell us. What would YOU tell people to do?”
And she said, “SHOW UP. Show up right away and then keep showing up. Don’t worry about saying the right thing, there is no right thing. Just say SOMETHING. Just tell us you haven’t forgotten. And say their name. It’s like people are afraid to remind me of her- as if I’m not already thinking about her every moment of every day. Everyone avoids her name- but we still need to hear their names spoken by people who loved them.”
I thanked Ansley’s mama for saying what we all needed to hear. For telling us that when it comes to tragedy- what a friend does is pull together all her brave and run towards the heartbreak and mightily resist the urge to try to fix it and instead just sit in it and soak up a little bit of the love and pain.
And then she says her name. Often. Because your friend is still Ansley’s mama, as certainly and surely and eternally and solidly as you are the mama of your babies. That’s who she STILL IS. Somehow now more than ever. She doesn’t know herself any other way and she doesn’t want to. And so when you don’t acknowledge that part of her, it’s like you’re not even there with her. She needs you to be there with her. With Ansley’s grieving mama.
I said, “Jessica. I don’t know what to say. But listen, I’ll tell you one thing. Ansley’s Angel Day is not going to pass silently this year. I know some people who would love nothing more than to stop and remember Ansley with you. They are the Monkees. You tell me Ansley’s date and then you visit us on her day. “
And Jessica cried and we all cried together – all four hundred of us – for the loss of a baby girl and the pain of a mother and the soothing balm of women who rush toward each other and sit and cry with each other and just give up on saying too many words at all.
Today is Ansley’s Angel Day- July 14. I imagine that Jessica will wake up this morning and look out her window and wonder how in the world it is that the world can keep spinning on the day that her own world died.
I would like for us to stop the world for a moment today to remember Ansley, to honor Jessica, and to hold space for all of our sisters’ great loss and pain and love. Let us do this in two ways:
- Please leave a comment here for Jessica. She will be reading today. Let us show her we cared enough to STOP today and say Ansley’s name. Let us tell her that she is not the only one who is feeling the width and depth today of the loss of Ansley. Also, in your comment- tell Jessica where you’re from. It makes the love feel more real when you can see that it’s covering the globe.
- Then please, in honor of Ansley and Jessica- call to mind a friend who has suffered a great loss and then reach out to her. If you can’t call her, email her. If you can’t email her, text her. Don’t let your lack of time or the perfect thing to say stop you. Just do it. Stop the world for a moment in honor of her. That’s what we do when we pause in the middle of a busy day to reach out to someone who is hurting. We say “to me, you are worth stopping the world for.”
MS-MD has donated $700 to the Sudden Unexplained Death in Childhood Program in honor of Precious Ansley (who would have been a nine year old girl today) and in honor of her Warrior Mama, Jessica, and in honor of all of you who have lost your babies. I am stopping my world today to tell you that I have no perfect words. I am just here, and I am so very, very sorry.
Love,
G and TWMF
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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4,536 Comments
Sweet Jessica,
Your baby Ainsley is the same age as my sweet baby boy. I don’t returns to know what the loss of a child feels like, but I cannot imagine my last 9 years without him. I will be thinking of you and Ainsley today. Thank you for asking the question and for sharing your hurt. May this day be blessed.
Peace be with you, Jessica, as it is with your beautiful Angel Ansley!
God Bless you today Jessica and all days. Ansley is in our thoughts today. We lost our granddaughter, Leah Brook 18 months ago to GBS. Our hearts still break and always will because we did not get to see her grow up. She died at 6 days. Keep up the good fight and know that God loves you and is holding Ansley for you until you can get to Heaven and hold her yourself.
Prayer to you and your family on angel day.
Thinking about you and your beautiful daughter today. God Bless!
New Jersey
Peace, love and light being sent to you and your family today from Boston.
My heart and prayers go out to you and your beautiful daughter Ansley. I lost my daughter in May and even though she was grown it still hurts the same. Just mourn how ever you see fit and as long as you need to. One day at a time. Love you
Jessica u r a brave mom n ur set an example for all others n yes Ansleu is being remembered…
Jessica my thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet Ansley on her angel day. I myself have lost a child and understand how hard it is when it seems like everyone has forgotten about her. Keep your head up and rest assure SHE will never forget you!
I forgot to post I am from Knoxville Tennessee Hugs are being sent from Heaven
So sorry for your Loss Hugs & Prayers Ansley is watching you from Heaven and hopes she sees her Momma smile from all the heartfelt messages everyone has sent <3
Jessica,
I am so sorry for your loss. Ansley is playing with the angels and looking for you to join her some day. I shed tears for your pain because I know it never goes away. I pray that God will wrap you in his arms and pull you onto his lap this Angel Day.
My name is Scarlett and I am from Chicago. Ansley, you, and your lived ones will be in my thoughts today and the days to come.
*loved ones
Jessica – I’m from Denver, CO and I am praying for you and your family and for your Ansley. What a beautiful name, Ansley. The hurt you must feel…I am so sorry for your loss.
And I too am sorry that we as humans fall short of knowing, in our adult states, how to express true empathy; a trait I’m sure Ansley was a rock star at expressing. There are millions of people behind you and have hurt similar to yours but do not have the ability to say so. Thank you for being a brave warrior and having the courage to live out your values and speak truth as you speak for so many who have not found their voice. It is because of people like you, with the love of a child like Ansley, that this world makes a turn for the better. Holding space for you today and always.
With love from the Rockies,
~Ann
God blessed you with sweet Ansley and blessed us with your story. I’m praying for you and your family today.
Praying for you and Ansley. She is beautiful and is now even more beautiful in God’s kingdom watching over you. Love from Texas
My heart is heavy for you, im so sorry u lost your precious Ansley, such a cutie pie!!! My son Benton died 5/4/13 and would be 8 1/2 now. They r friends in Heaven I’m sure. ((hugs)), Rachel
Zillah, WA
Jennifer, I am a grandma who lost her beautiful grandson just 7 months ago and a friend sent this to me. I am so sorry for your pain and really understand the way you feel. I’m thinking of you and Little Ansley today in Battle Creek, Michigan.
Jessica, I hope you had a nice day remembering Ansley & thinking about her & dreaming about her…I’m positive you must do it everyday, but I hope somehow we all made this Angel Day more special for the both of you. Thinking of you, Ansley, & your family, from Wisconsin♡
Dear Jessica,
I can’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child. I am with you today, honoring your feelings and remembering Ansley, your angel.
Veronica, Quito-Ecuador
May you have a day filled with Love, Peace, and Sweetness.
Ansley radiates beauty.
Prayers for Ansley and your family on her Angel Day.
From Tricia in Chattanooga, TN
Sending you hugs and I am so sorry for your loss. Your little Ansley will not be forgotten. Thank you for sharing your story.
My name is Anna. I’m a nurse-midwife from Ft. Worth, Texas. You were super strong that day to stand up and ask for help. You will always be Ansley’s strong mom. I appreciate your example very much!
May you find peace today and feel all the love and strength of those around you near and far on this day. I also want to say thankyou for giving us mothers of Angles a voice.
Maine
Ansley…beautiful name for an angel
Peachtree City, GA
I stopped for you Jessica, and your beautiful Ansley. Know that I think of you, here in Norway.
Prayers for you and your sweet Ansley from Chattanooga, TN. Thank you for helping others know how to help friends who face the loss of loved ones, especially the loss of children.
Holding you and your Ansley in my heart today. yes, we do want to hear our angels names spoken, their stories told … I have held my sons in my heart for a long time ( one for 22 years and another for 6 years) and I will always love to hear their names spoken, their stories told , their smiles remembered.
Alice
upstate NY
Jessica, I send my love, hugs and prayers to you in the loss of your precious little gift from God, Ansley. I am so sorry.
Barb
Hugs to you and Ansley on this special day.
Oh Jessica. I know this feeling. I hope your Ansley and my Addison are playing in heaven together right now. I like to believe they are friends.
God bless Ansley! Too many of us feel this pain. We are here for you Jessica.
I lost my Angel Sam (Samantha) nearly 3 years ago in a car accident.
She was 18. I pray that you find the comfort in knowing that you will someday be reunited with your baby girl. <3
Jessica-
You are one, brave momma. Ansley is lucky that you are her mother. Sending thoughts and prayers your way from Atlanta!
Thinking of your sweet girl and sending prayers your way. Ansley will never be forgotten .
Happy Angel Day to your beautiful Ansley! I will carry thoughts and prayers for you and your family throughout the day. May your day be blessed!
Forgot to add that this comes from California, with BIG love!
Ansley I know you were and still so loved by your momma!
I’m a perschool teacher I would have loved to have had you in my class and heard your giggles and watch your eyes light up with wonderment. I will look for your spirit in this up coming school year! Every hug for each new student will be dedicated to Ansley for life is a gift and you have given us the gift of remembrance.
Praying for you! Loss is such a strange emotion. We experienced a miscarriage over 25 years ago. We still grieve, but with hope that this world is temporary and Heaven is eternity.
Our beautiful babies will never truly be forgotten because they live on in our minds and our hearts <3 Alicia turned 24 this year .. her sister is getting married and her baby brother graduated high school and is going off to college.. I think of her at all of these life events with my other children .. She lives on not just in my heart but in their hearts as well. They both honor her memory and have grown up saying "we have a sister who lives in heaven" .. so even though friends and family forgot me in the beginning .. as time heals the openness of the wound .. they became more sensitive to her memory .. and she most definitely lives on.
Your sweet Ansley will be remembered .. and I am sending you hugs and understanding …
Bless everyone who is grieving. Every. One. Mamas in war-torn countries, mamas who may look on the outside like everything is ok, and for mamas who lost babies before they were even born. From a mama in Lexington, Kentucky, who hurts for you and prays for you.
This is so perfect. We lost a16 y.o. from a heart defect 15 years ago and 3 months ago, our youngest, at 23. In the 15 years, I have had the opportunity to speak to high school kids about how to deal with parents who have lost a child. I tell them that their parents think of them EVERY day–probably every hour, whether they are alive or dead, so NEVER think by talking about their friend to their parents that it will “remind” them. Tell them stories about their child that they might not know about. I even tell them to invite them to their graduation parties, just so they know you haven’t forgotten. Let THEM decide whether they will show or not.
I have been fortunate enough to have a support system that does “show up”, but it took years to cultivate that. With the loss of our youngest, there are still questions that I think some of his friends could answer, but many are avoiding us. That hurts a lot, because we need the stories of his life that we didn’t know.
Jessica, I am thinking of you and Ansley today–what a beautiful little girl, and what a terrible loss. There are just no words for this kind of loss…so I’m just here to say I’m so sorry, I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and that you will always be her mama….nothing can take that privilege, or that love, away from you.
I hope you feel the Comforter near. Your sweet Ansley is beautiful! I ache for you! Praying for you in Mount Juliet, Tennessee.
Your precious Andley is thought of today. I love when others acknowledge our angel, Mary McIntosh!! To hear her name is to know she is not forgotten!! Love and prayers from one angel mom to another!! Ansley, Ansley, Ansley….
Dear Jessica,
Last Monday was my brother’s angel day. It’s been 29 years since he died and yet July 7th keeps showin up, year after year. For a long time I’ve grieved that we have no ritual, no way of rightly remembering those who we’ve lost on the day they died. We surely have to make our own rites of remembering. My prayer for you is that you may do so with joy. My prayer is for God to redeem this day and every day for you and for all of us as we rememeber. Thankfully, our God is a God of memory, rememebering is in the deepest pit and the greatest distance from Him, drawing us nearer, closer to his saving grace.
Jessica, how brave it was for you to tell us what we needed to hear! I’m sending prayers and hugs to you, and to your precious Ansley. I wish I could have know her.
Martha
I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Ansley. I have two daughters and can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling, as just the thought brings tears to this stranger’s eyes. May you remember the best moments and find peace.
Thinking of you today in Clovis, NM.
Praying all the thoughts and prayers left here today help make it easier for you as you miss Ansley every day. This really hit home with me . I have a sweet neighbor who lost her sweet baby who was my granddaughters age and I think of her precious baby all the time. Every time I see her I think of her loss and grieve with her but, don’t speak it for fear of upsetting her . I will no longer keep silent. I see our little girls playing together and being friends and in school together and I know that she must also. Thanks for the reminder to speak our loving rememberence of others children who they miss desperately every day.
Jessica – You and Ansley were on my heart yesterday as I drove from FL back to ATL. Lots of love and light for you, dear one. AG
Ansley is such a beautiful name for a beautiful girl that was gone too soon. I love that you can vocalize your pain and suffering. My son Dominic is too an angel gone too soon. Thank you for posting this to remind everyone that our angels are never forgotten, so keep talking about them. ((((Hug))))
Hugs to you on Dom’s angel day!
Jessica, Your Ansley was beautiful and I really appreciate your sharing your loss and need for support. I lost my son by placing him for adoption in 1983 since I couldn’t give him the life he deserved. While he’s probably not gone from this world, I have not had the joy of sharing his life. I know what it is to think of him and feel his loss every day while others hesitate to mention him due to fear or (in this situation) shame. Thank you for reminding me of the support I need as well. Love from Laura in South Carolina
Sending you love and heartfelt prayers, Jessica. I wish the world could have known your Ansley!
Just wanted to let you know that I said a prayer for you today. Ansley was & is a beautiful girl! Maybe the Lord is telling Ansley all about her sweet and loving Mommy right now. What a wonderful and strong Mom you are, even on days you don’t feel like it, you are! Love from one mommy in Mount Hope, WV to another…
Jessica, I’m praying for you and remembering your darling baby girl Ansley- grace and peace from Iowa
Your baby girl Ansley will always be remembered. I too lost a son.. and would love it people would not fear saying his name. God bless you.
Ansley an angel amognst angels…God will bless her…Jery from Simi Valley, Ca.
Thinking of you all the way over here in Torquay, Australia. Happy to show up and say G’Day! I hope your day was a little brighter today and you smiled. xoxo
your daughter Ansley was born an angel and will continue to be an angel forever! Be stong Jessica you and your family are loved…Jerry from Simi Valley, Ca.
Happy Ansley’s Day. I am a double loss mom to two angel boys Corbin and Gabe and I send to you with tears streaming down my face all the strength and love and courage that I can. To hear our babies names spoken is the validation all loss mommas need. So hugs and strength to you!
Jessica, I’m thinking of you and your darling baby girl Ansley today in Phoenix, AZ. <3
Thank you for this lesson. Bless you for your courage. Ansley was beautiful and precious and such a gift! Please know the purpose for her life was at least partly fulfilled by your message. God bless you dear Jessica.
Thank you for sharing! Positive energy sending your way as you move forward today and every day. October 21, 1998, but I never forget. Your story and your response speaks so loudly to my feelings. Thank you!
Hugs and prayers from Calera, Alabama!
Jessica – Ansley is a beautiful little girl!! The pictures you share, show a little girl happy and confident that she is loved. I know that not a day goes by that you don’t think of her, and wonder what she would be doing and thinking about if she were here. That deep, take your-your-breath-away kind of pain never leaves but it will move to a quieter part of your heart. Thoughts and prayers for you today from Oklahoma.
Jessica, my heart goes out to you. May God give you peace and comfort as He has done for me. I have two angel’s Monica was born June 14, 1964 and went to the arms of Jesus on July 28, 1969 and Elaina was born on January 28, 1977 and went to meet her sister on March 31, 2007. Although I am a day late you will be in my thoughts and prayers today as I know you are still remembering Ansley today and everyday.
God bless you and God bless Ansley. She is beautiful. Love to you both from Toronto.
Sweet little Ansley.
I am so sorry. I know it will be a pain that you carry with you for life. Mothers never stop loving and missing their babies who are no longer here with them. In any small way that it is possible, we want to help carry your burden. Sending Love to you and your family from Albuquerque New Mexico. love, Jennifer
God Bless Ansley! Her gifts, her spirit, her soul, her beauty will never be forgotten by those who were fortunate enough to know her. Jessica’s message, to SHOW UP, is Ansley touching everyone who reads it. Her message keeps Ansley’s spirit ALIVE!!!
Love and prayers for your family and your beautiful Ansley from Virginia Beach… Xo
Happy Angel Day Ansley, we’re thinking of you & you’re Make here in Melbourne Australia too.
Lots of love
David & Jenny xx
Jessica, I am praying for you and your precious Ansley today. God Bless you and may he cradle you in his arms and give you comfort. You will never forget but may your pain be lessened by knowing people care.
Jessica, my name is Isabel and I am from Michigan. I am glad I didn’t read this yesterday. I know it was Ansley’s special day . But how nice that her day is continuing on. Another day to remember that sweet beautiful little face. To think of you and what an Amazing mom you are. How blessed Ansley is to have you as her mommy. My friend lost her baby last year. Thank you for reminding me that even though none of us have forgotten Bella. Bella is my friends daughter. That I still need to talk about her, maybe even going to visit Bella with my friend and take balloons to her. It was nice to meet you an Ansley today.
Im thinking of your precious baby girl..Ansley.and sending you a virtual hug.
Thankyou for sharing your thoughts with us.
Ansley…. Beautiful name and a beautiful, sweet little girl, I just want to pick her up out of the pictures and hug her and play with her! People don’t forget, they just don’t know what to say. I lost my husband in an accident 9 years ago and I know many people avoid/avoided talking to me because they feel bad and just don’t know what to say. I say…. say anything, tell me stories about him, talk about the weather, tell me about your own family. Just don’t pretend nothing ever happened.
Thanksyou Jessica for letting us remember Ansley as such an angel, and to know how to handle someone else’s loss of such a precious angel.
Jessica, I’m lighting a candle for Ansley. I’m also thinking of 2 mamas I know, who lost their babies. And I’m one of those friends who always feels afraid to talk with them about it. I’ve always felt uncomfortable. Your words have taught me a huge lesson. It’s not about MY discomfort. It’s about recognizing THEIR babies, and keeping their names and spaces alive, and making sure my friends know that they’re not alone in doing that. Carry On Warrior.
Hi Jessica, love the name Ansley, she was beautiful. I’m also a Heart angel mom, I lost my little girl Layla, at three months old, last summer. Sending prayers of peace, comfort, & strength <3.
Chattanooga,TN
Ansley will never be forgotten.
New York, angel mom to C and G.
Dear Jessica,
I too am in the midst of a very difficult pain right now, and yet, I cannot imagine what you must go through. Oh my goodness, Ansley was a BEAUTIFUL child here on earth, and even more beautiful now. I am so sorry for the pain you must now endure at her loss, but now you know she herself is in a place where there is no pain, no suffering, no fear…..hold onto that. There’s a book called “Forever Young.” I find it gave me hope to hear stories of the experiences a physican had with dying patients and their families. Maybe it would you too……..
God Bless You <3
Jessica… Your and Ansley’s story resonates with our family. We too suffered an unexpected loss. Our beloved baby Barrett passed away from SIDS on March 15, 2012. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Just as so eloquently stated above, families NEED to have their babies remembered. Friends honor them by talking about them and continuing to send a card commemorating birthdays and angelversary days. What a wonderful tribute for the MSMD Board to donate to SUDC.org. They do amazing work. For those moved to make donations another wonderful option is Boston Children’s Hospitals SIDS research program. They are moving mountains… One small boulder at a time.
Thinking of you and all my friends who have suffered loss like yours. Mothers are strong, but support of others always makes us stronger. God bless. Boise, ID
Jessica, Ansley is just beautiful! One thing is for certain, she is in the arms of Jesus and I pray for you that you are a believer & are saved so that she will again be in your arms when your days here are done. Ansley is a gift from God & He will carry you through until you meet again. Praying for you!
echoing the prayers of many and so thankful for the wisdom (and pain) shared here. i can not imagine how deafening that silence would be. we remember ansley with you from hanoi, vietnam.
Good morning Jessica, my name is Jo and I am from Mississippi. One of my FB friends posted this article and it is so true. I lost my “daddy” in March and he always introduced me as his baby girl. It melted my heart when he said that, even though I am 59 years old. He was the most humorous, kind and loving Daddy and Papaw. It is comforting to know that he and Ansley have probably already met and he just might be introducing her as his baby girl. Trust me, I know how awesome that makes a little and big girl feel. God bless, and we will celebrate Ansley and Mutt/Daddy/Papaw every day!!
I wish I’d read this yesterday. Jessica, Ansley is adorable. I honestly believe she is still with you. Death cannot sever the bond between mother and child – that bond is stronger than anything. Please know I will carry you both in my heart today. Oh and I am in Ontario Canada <3
Praying for you Jessica! Your sweet Ansley is so beautiful.
Thinking of Ansley and all Angel Babies and their parents. We have a son with a CHD. We have met moms who lost their babies. I try to keep in touch with them and let them know how much their courageousness is appreciated by my family. Love to all. Keeping their memories alive.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today Jessica. Your sweet Ansley won’t be forgotten!!!! Thank you for sharing your story.
^Ansley^, you are missed and will never be forgotten. But it’s so good to know you are pain-free and playing in your forever garden.
Jessica, I am so sorry you are hurting, Momma. There is no greater grief than the grief of a parent’s loss of his/her child. It is a loss I am far too familiar with and I want you to know that you’re not alone. And someone does care. May this Angel Anniversary not bring you to your knees. Let it instead bring you happy and loving memories that bring you comfort.
I’m from New Brunswick, Canada. HUGE hugs and butterfly kisses are sent for you.
Such a beautiful child and now God’s special angel. I will keep you and your family in my prayers today-Peace and blessings to you as you go forward knowing lots of people are praying for you..we are all God’s praying army-
Love is always and forever…..Ansley is forever your baby as is forever you’re her Momma. I know your heart aches to be with her and it will be someday when you’re reunited in Heaven. Jesus is keeping her safe and loves her SO much!! My sweet Angel was taken too soon also. Hopefully, all the children are playing together while Jesus is teaching them the wonderful Heavenly ways. Much love to you! <3
Ansley. Thoughts and prayers from New York
Jessica…Thinking of your daughter Ansley from New York. I’m sure she is smiling down and loving all the attention! May God bless you and keep you strong for one day you will be together again.
Jessica, what a great thing this is for Ansley and all of us. My heart swims in the same silent pool of tears as yours. I lost my best friend, my son Jaesun in 2011 to cancer and my world will never be the same. We wake each morning thinking about them and go to bed the same way. All day every day. We love to hear their names coming from the mouths of others, its like a beautiful song to us. Thank you for this opportunity to get it out there. Sending you a big hug, Linda
thinking of you, Jessica, and your love for Ansley, and hoping the pain becomes more bearable over time.
Hugs,
Rebecca in Decatur, Georgia
Prayers coming your way from Hixson, TN. Thank you for sharing Ansley’s story. Know that she will never be forgotten!
Jessica, I’m so sorry that your precious Ansley isn’t here on earth with you but I hope you can find comfort in knowing that she is in heaven with Jesus now. I’m in Georgia and saying a prayer for you today.
I wanted to post my heart’s cry with this. This darling girls Angel Day is my Angel’s Birthday. So I will never forget this baby girls special day. Thank you for speaking up for so many of us grieving mother’s that are in the same position. My Angel, Joshua, went to Heaven on February 28th, 2011. His birthday is July 14, 2008. I will pray for you, Jessica, and bless you with all that is in me. <3