Last week I told my therapist that even though I’m too busy, I continue to say yes to new responsibilities. In my head, I mean nope – but I say okay, because I feel on the spot. I panic. Every time.
She and I talked about how in the absence of a plan, even intelligent humans don’t know what to say under pressure. We aren’t great at thinking fast – at considering all the consequences of our decisions in the midst of a loaded moment. When put on the spot, we tend to say whatever we think will please the other person, even if it means going against what we know is right for us. So together we decided to create a non-committal response that I could pull out and use – as a space saver, a time buyer –whenever a new request was made of me. We needed a phrase that would allow the pivotal moment to pass smoothly without making me feel compromised or the other person feel rejected. Together we decided on: “Thank you so much for considering me. Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you.” I’ve said this seven million times during the past week. Even when my kids ask for breakfast. I feel drunk with time-buying power.
Yesterday I was on the phone with a friend whose teen daughter is one of my favorite people on Earth. My friend was beside herself because her precious girl had come home drunk the night before. My friend wailed to me: “How many hours have we spent talking about alcohol during the past decade? And the first time she’s offered beer, she takes it. She TAKES IT!” I said: “Crap. What was her excuse for taking it?” My friend said: “All she could come up with is: ‘Mom – I DIDN’T WANT TO SAY YES- BUT I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.’” My friend thought this excuse was a load of crap. I wasn’t certain about that. It sounded quite familiar to me.
You know, Just Say No sounds good in theory. But it implies that saying no is as easy as saying yes. It’s just not. In practice, saying no begs an explanation and saying yes doesn’t. Just Saying No makes for an awkward moment, which makes it an unhelpful suggestion to teens (and people pleasers like me) who often care about avoiding awkwardness even more than they care about their own well-being.
My friend and I talked about this fact: Yes, we spend hours talking to our kids about WHY to say No, but we don’t tell them HOW to say no. 
When they are put on the spot – they don’t have hours to explain their decisions to their peers. They have a split second. And while our teens and ‘tweens want to make the right decisions, they often want to avoid awkwardness even more. In the absence of a plan, they’ll likely default to yes. Just like we so often do. Maybe they’re not saying yes because they want to rebel – maybe they really do say yes because they don’t know what else to say. They need help knowing, preparing. That is where we come in.
When our babies are little, we help them understand and navigate their world by giving them language. We point and name: “Look. A Bird! A BLUE BIRD!” Then we help them make sense of who they are in relationships to others by modeling appropriate communication. “Say hello to Mrs. White, Jimmy. Hello, Mrs. White!” When our kids become adolescents, their world changes so much that sometimes it feels to them that they’ve landed on a new planet. They are babies in this new complicated world of teen-dom. And so we need to start over, because a more complicated world calls for a more complicated language. We need to point and label: “Look. A Beer! A whole keg of beer!” And we need to model the new language they’ll need to find their way. If we want teens to use their words – we’ve got to provide some words for them that they can keep in their back pocket and pull out at the right moment. Because we’ve taught them how to get along with others, but now we need to teach them how to get along with others while also taking care of themselves. On their OWN. That’s new.
So my husband and I sat down with our ‘tween and we talked about how he was going to be put in LOTS of awkward situations in the coming years. We told him that being a teen can feel like one long experience in being put on the spot. We told him that he was going to be asked to make big, important decisions under intense pressure and even though his heart and brain are huge, he’s human – and humans make bad, people-pleasing, status-quo-keeping decisions under pressure. We told him that he’ll find himself in situations in which his heart will be screaming NO but his head and voice will have a hard time keeping up. We told him that things aren’t all good or all bad. For example, a GOOD, KIND, WONDERFUL friend could ask him to make a BAD, DANGEROUS decision. Sometimes it can seem to us like the best idea to keep peace and keep our friendship is just to say yes and hope for the best. But we talked about how wisdom is knowing that peacekeeping and peace making are two different things. We talked about how people pleasing is often a human weakness, and how wisdom is making a plan in advance to work with our weaknesses.
So the three of us dreamed up inevitable awkward situations, and together we thought of sentences he could say that would buy him time but not alienate him from his friends or make anyone feel like he was judging them. We also tried to weave in humor to make sure his responses would be in keeping with his personality.
Here are some we decided upon together:
When you notice a lonely kid: Hey! Here’s a seat for you. Come join us.
When someone offers you a beer: No, thanks. I’m allergic to alcohol. Totally Blows. (Then go fill up a cup with water and nurse that all night to avoid 40 million more questions) UPDATE: Alcoholism runs rampant in my family and partly on Craig’s. The genes my kids have been passed down are loaded with danger when it comes to alcohol. We have been explaining this to our children for a while now, and we’ve researched how to explain this to them in ways that are developmentally appropriate to their age. “Allergic” is not the perfect word to describe how the bodies of many of my family members (including me) react to alcohol, but it’s close. And it is, in Craig and my opinion, a perfectly acceptable way for Chase to explain the unique danger to HIS body alcohol presents. It gets his VERY IMPORTANT point across without the embarrassment he’d experience by having to explain about our family’s alcoholism. You & your kid will know the best line to use for your family—this one works for us.
When someone offers you weed: My mom used to smoke pot when she was younger and now she can smell it from a mile away. She checks my clothes every night. Can’t do it, man. (That’s the one that won, but I liked: HEY! How about we put down these joints and go volunteer at the dog shelter! He liked the first one. Whatever, his show.)
When someone starts texting while driving: Hey, I just saw a movie about a kid who got killed because he was texting and driving. I don’t want you to get killed because I plan to ask you for many, many rides in the future. Pull over if you need to text – I’m not in a hurry.
You find yourself in a sexual situation you’d prefer not to be in: Hey, I like you too much for this to go down this way.
A kid is being teased by another kid in the hallway: Hey. I don’t want anybody to get in trouble here. Why don’t you follow me out of here? I’ll walk you to class.
Someone is about to drink and drive: Don’t risk it, man. My dad’ll get us home- no questions asked. He’d rather pick us up here than in jail.
I don’t know if my ‘tween will use these life preservers we made together. But when that moment comes he will know that they’re available if he wants to save himself. And when he leaves the house in the evening and I say to him, just like when he was two, Use your words tonight – I know he’ll have words to use.
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348 Comments
People are worried that the lie regarding an alcohol allergy isn’t believable enough?! We’re talking about teenagers here – the lie is fine. One thing I will say is that in many Health and PE classes nowadays the kids are indeed told how to say no and “lies” to get them out of awkward situations and still save face in their minds.
Ok, all of this (almost all) of this information needs to be complied into a book for easier access! There is some extremely valuable insight here that could be so useful, and that is not found in too many other sources. I’m already trying to go back and re-read some of the valuable comments/personal experiences. Your blog and the (edited) wisdom and experiences expressed here could save kids from a lot of wasted havoc, even death. I’ll be the first to buy your book!
I did the same thing with my son , told him to use me as a scapegoat , make me out to be a monster who checked his every move and rode him hard and that if he crossed my rules , that his friends wouldn’t see him until after college or my death which ever came first … worked well, he got to do the right thing but still save “face” with his friends …. plus he inadvertently saved a few friends by letting them in on our “secret plan” and they began to use the same kind of statements. I simply taught him what my mom taught me … and i am certain he will teach his kids …
I developed phrases to help me say no when I was overloaded with volunteering – e.g. I’d really like to and it’s quick to say yes, but the reality is that I am overly committed already.
And my phrase for people at the door or on the phone is this:
I _NEVER_ donate/purchase over the phone/at my door.
They usually hang up/walk away quickly.
Isn’t it ironic that on a site of “truth tellers and hope spreaders,” the first hypothetical answer is actually a lie — “I’m allergic to alcohol.” A true alcohol allergy is extremely rare. I think you can do better than that response.
One out of every ten people processes alcohol in a way that makes them susceptible to becoming alcoholic if they try to drink the same way others do. One might describe that as an allergy.
Since alcohol is a poison, one could argue that almost all people are allergic to it, unless there are people out there who do not experience cell death when they consume it. I think that response is fine.
I used to fill a beer bottle with water. No one knew.
Great advice!! And some of the commenters also have wonderful ideas. I plan to use this!
“S’not my thing, man.” Just the fact that he says “snot” infuses the situation with humor, and gets him off the hook without a lengthy explanation or lie.
I’m going to read this one to my tween 🙂 – thanks, friend. This is terrific.
So insightful. Love it! Thank you. My kids are 5 and 2 but I stress about their upcoming tween and teen years.
You are so absolutely right here–we need to equip our kids with actual tools/strategies/words that they can use. I have consistently talked with my kid about saying no with context that makes the parents the bad guys–“No, my mom would kill me if I did X,” but I like the various scenarios you’ve come up with to get my son thinking even further.
A friend of mine has taught her teens that when they are in a moment of hard choice and they don’t know what to say, to act like their phone is on vibrate and that she is calling. “Damn–my mom wants me home right NOW. She is so mad…” and then they are able to go. Requires some good acting, but I thought it was a clever option of last resort.
I told my kids how oblivious their grandmother was to all this stuff, then I was (fairly) honest about my own idiocies as a teen – translation: You will never fly it past Mom, don’t even bother.
They got the message loud and clear – especially when the oldest tested the waters (just with cigarettes) and got promptly busted. We also had the “Call for a ride, no questions asked.” policy. The odds are stacked against teens in the direction of stupidity, we all were faced with it – better a little leeway and a space to learn then tragedy. I would have loved the “arming them with words’ advice though – actual tools to equip them with – awesome.
Where was this article when I was raising my boys. So smart and yet so
Simple for parents to do with kids
Wonderful post! So true we don’t give our kids the HOW! In this fast-paced digital world, it is so important that we take the time as parents to involve them and talk about specific situations. In my house, we call it “Playing it SMART” in life. I am a big believer that we can’t just tell our kids what to do but in the words of Benjamin Franklin “Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn.” It’s time to involve our kids in the HOW and start early.
Love this Benjamin Franklin quote!
If they only knew now what we know now, it would make things so much easier. I recall those uncomfortable situations and I wish I would have believed that “good friends will respect your decisions and not pressure you any further and if that’s not the case, they’re not really your friends” to be the truth. That’s what we all wish for, but of course, that’s a bunch of malarkey when you’re 12. So, until our tweens actually trust our words, giving them theirs is a most awesome idea!
I agree 100%… kids don’t know HOW to say no and they want to save face with their friends. We live in small town where they can bike anywhere. I told my kids that if they were ever in a situation they needed to get out of fast….drinking, drugs, mischief brewing, they could all of a sudden “remember” I told them I would take them shopping for that coveted item…. Nike sneakers, Oakley sunglasses, Hollister jeans…. I told them If they got out of a situation I would take them shopping immediately and buy that item…$100 Limit. It gave them an out. PS..I never had to drop everything and take them shopping but the had the story. I also told them if the were ever in a situation, say they had diarrhea and had to get home! NO ONE want to be around anyone with diarrhea!
I….can’t imagine any tween/teen being able to pull off a line about diarrhea, or even wanting to.
So trading drug use for wanton consumerism. That won’t backfire at all.
Matt, you should go check out Sanctimommy on Facebook! It’s hilarious! And totally perfect for you.
No teenager is going to admit to a group of people they’re hanging out with at the mall that they have to go home because they can’t stop crapping. Especially teen girls.
I do love this and I read through all the comments. As someone who has never taken a drink or done a drug, I have to say, a big part of the reason that I didn’t have a lot of trouble saying no is because I never really wanted to do those things. All my friends in high school who did do them usually did them because they *wanted* to, or were simply very curious.
I didn’t want to because alcoholism runs rampant in my family and I saw the devastating effects it could have. I’m not sure how to instill the same caution into my children. Lots of words, yes, but nothing beats firsthand experience.
I guess my point is that, in my experience, I never had to use lines like these. Just a “no thanks” or “I’m good” or “I don’t drink” always worked. I think my focus is going to be on the *why* behind it.
Sex, in the other hand, I did not have a good why behind and it was always a struggle for me.
Or, rather, I did have excellent reasons not to have sex, I just really, really wanted to in the moment.
I so agree with you. I always excused myself from drinking/drugs/dangerous situations as a teen because I had a risk averse personality. And my saying, “Nope, I’m not up for that,” was never a problem. It didn’t even stop me from being friends with people who did those things.
But, not everyone is the same and maybe there are kids who really don’t want to do it who could use help with words. So, going through this exercise can’t hurt. But parents can’t control everything — and I still think the single best reason a kid might try drugs or drink is because they have a risk seeking personality they were born with. My parents just lucked out I was such a wimp and I hope my kids take after me!
Great ideas! I wish I had thought of this approach when I was raising kids.
I will definitely use it when I am talking with my grandkids.
Thank you. Your blog has made a difference as noted by the comments made.
I NEVER comment on blogs or articles but I had to on this one. THANK YOU for this. I had an epiphany reading this and have shared it many times over. It really takes a village to raise a child!
I love this. I used the I’m allergic to beer when I was in highschool and it worked.
I was in highschool in the 70’s and most of us were high. So I loved the line of oh my mom use to smoke and now she can smell it on me.
I use to have the problem of not saying no. Now I say no all the time. I’m not so crazy busy and I love it.
I can relate! There are probably more people in my family who have had addiction issues (drugs, alcohol, or both) or mental illnesses (frequently made worse by the previously mentioned drugs and alcohol) than those without. My husband and I have been very open with our kids on family history and how it affects not only the person using, but also everyone around them. My older son told me last year, on my birthday, that he’d been drinking, using drugs, and smoking off and on for the past two years. My husband and I had about the same reaction your friend had to her daughter drinking. And not surprisingly, he ended up addicted. We now put more emphasis on what it will do to him physically and mentally and what he can do if anyone starts pressuring him again. He turned 17 this week, so he’s getting the “call us if you want to be picked up because you or your friends have been drinking or using drugs” reminder more frequently.
As a kid, my dad HATED seeing us chew gum. He always thought it was a gross habit, and didn’t want us doing it. But my Mom turned it around — she helped enforce the rule, but said “it was practice for saying no when the real/big stuff came around, like drugs/alcohol/sex.” I’m not kidding. I said no to gum MY ENTIRE LIFE (and still do), because the habit is so engrained. And let me tell you, it DID make it easier to say no to the big stuff. Glennon is right — practice helps. Give your kids something to say no to, even if they’re only 6-7-8 years old. For my family, we’re teaching our kids “Just say no” to the Star Wars Episodes 1, 2, and 3.
G! It’s like you’ve read my mind this week. I’ve been struggling with myself about how to say No to a neighbor that continually crosses boundaries with me. In my effort to ‘keep the peace’ I have lost my own peace and feel abused and angry. We need the words! Why haven’t we been taught the words?!?! The right words to use when presented with a situation where we need to say no and honor ourself and our needs but don’t want to argue. Thank you for this validation and reinforcing my message to myself this week. With Gratitude, C.
Also, growing up I’ve realized that a nice, *cool* counter-proposition can be really helpful in taking out the awkwardness usually associated with saying “no” even indirectly to something we don’t like.
For instance : “I don’t drink because it puts me in a crappy mood, and I want to enjoy myself, right?” can go well with “…but I’ve made a fantastic drink! I found the recipe somewhere on… *insert any cool social media in your circle* : pineapple juice, coconut milk and cinnamon. Wanna taste?”
Next thing you know, several other girls/boys in the party will be relieved to try and nurse this cool cocktail instead of beer, because they’re not so sure about loosing control of their actions /not quite remembering what they said the next day.
Or : “No way you’re driving, my dad is so great that he’ll pick us up anytime instead, no questions asked He is the greatest dad on earth. He can see every one’s good points. I’m sure you’ll like him.”
:o)
Or, in a sexual-oriented situation that makes your teen uneasy, or they know is going too far (at least in practical terms like babies and other kinds of risks): “Wow, this is very intense, and there’s too much stuff going out in my head right now.” can also be followed by: “You know, I always wonder how girls/guys feel about these things. Most of us get involved without thinking about it, and it’s too bad! I wanna be a writer/ filmmaker/ songwriter one day, so I’d love to have your point of view. It’s fascinating, don’t you think?”
<3 !!
Really great article. Totally makes sense and I like a lot of the life-savers. However, the one life-saver line I’m uncomfortable with is “Hey, I like you too much for this to go down this way” in the context of a sexual situation. If you take this line apart it sounds like your kid is saying, I like you too much to think of you in a sexual way. This suggests that sex and sexual acts are shameful and saying this kind of thing to a young woman can be especially harmful. The virgin/whore dichotomy (the idea that ‘pure’ women are for marriage and ‘slutty’ women are for sex) still runs rampant in our society and I think this life-saver just enforces the shame that a woman might feel for wanting to express her sexuality. Something along the lines of “Hey, I like you a lot, but I’m not quite ready to express myself this way with you” would be much better.
I’m sorry, but few kids are going to say “I’m not quite ready to express myself this way with you” this needs to be realistic if it’s going to work, or better yet be adopted by these kids. Need to think like a 15 yr old and use their lingo.
Kristin, I think the line does get across what you mean. I could imagine a girl saying it to a guy as easily as vice versa, when things are starting to go a little too fast. Nobody, male or female, wants a ‘rush job’ for something that should be special and take time. The line means ‘we should slow down, because if this is going to happen between us, I want it to be right.’
I have been following your blog ever since your, “Don’t Carpe Diem” post. There have been so many of your posts that have taken my breath away. I always want to post a comment, but never have the words. Today I just couldn’t NOT comment. I still don’t really have the words, but I wanted to let you know that I think you are amazing. Please keep doing your thing, it is helping a lot of us navigate this brutiful world.
Overall a good article, however… It is definitely a good idea to discuss and prepare responses in advance, but I strongly disagree with making up lies to say no, that opens doors to other problems such as the stress and guilt associated with the telling and remembering of lies, and the embarrassment and loss of trust that comes with being caught in a lie.
I personally like the responses to the “mean girl” behavior. I’m floored at how young it starts. :-/ i.e. If you are young enough that you see wild animals in the house without people thinking you’re psychotic – you’re too young to be in a clique.
Glennon, you’ve done it again. This is fantastic. And I don’t even have kids! But I often find myself saying “yes” when I truly mean “no”.
The most wonderful part of this discussion, I think, is that:
1) there were no judgments involved, but instead practical, loving advice
2) you helped Chase find his OWN words for uncomfortable/ tricky situations
3) he was involved in listing these situations
Bravo :o)
I absolutely agree with this. My daughter is anaphylactic to food, and trust me when I say that telling someone you are allergic only begets a hundred questions. My daughter finds it EASIER to decline homemade cookies by saying “No thank you, I’m fine” than by saying she has a life threatening allergy to them. It really does invite attention contrary to the intent of saying no. Alcoholism runs in our family too, so I understand the analogy, but I think using the migraine excuse would be much more effective.
You are a Wise Word Wizard.
(It’s a thing.)
“If we want teens to use their words – we’ve got to provide some words for them that they can keep in their back pocket and pull out at the right moment. Because we’ve taught them how to get along with others, but now we need to teach them how to get along with others while also taking care of themselves. On their OWN. That’s new.” <<- Boom.
We’ve also told our daughter to say she’s the DD – always.
Good idea.
Fabulous, brilliant answer.
God promises to reward those who live Godly; If we point our children to Christ and give them a bigger purpose and reason (than themselves) to live lives that are honoring to God then they will be able to over come victoriously!!! Enabling them to find friends who are like minded and who respect their choices and who love them enough to encourage them to right behavior…!!! Live and let live is a cop out and certainly does not point people to Truth that transforms and changes lives!!! Genuine love is recognizing that we are depraved, sinful people, dead in trespasses and sin who need to be rescued and given a true hope and purpose for living. Being confident that as Christ’s followers, we are called to be light and salt, allowing God to be Lord in our lives, who is working in us to draw people out of darkness into His marvelous Light, exposing sin and bringing others to a place of repentance while opening their hearts to see their need for a Savior…We have no hope or future unless we trust that Christ came to this earth to live a sinless life, to be beaten and punished for our sins, to die on the cross, to be buried, and to rise the 3rd day…He lives and has victory over the power of sin and death and by simply believing this, we can be forgiven of our sins and receive the gift of everlasting life! A transaction and exchange takes place and Christ takes our sin that He died for in our place and gives us His righteousness and His Spirit to abide in us! This was done so that we do not have to be hopeless and helpless in the life we live here on this earth. By the grace of God, we are given all the power of heaven to abide in us, helping us to live pure, peaceable lives that are worthy of being called the children of God, transforming our lives into the likeness of His Son, Jesus Christ!!! We are then given the great commission to go into the world and to share this truth with other people that they too might come face to face with the gospel and the knowledge of Christ that gives them true life on this earth and life eternal!!! John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that who ever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life!!! Acts 16:31 Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved…
Marilyn, that is wonderful in theory, but doesn’t always hold true in reality. I was raised in a loving caring christian household and went to christian school until 10th grade. Most of the kids I knew as a teen myself, who got in trouble came from the families and situations you state. Their parents never discussed anything with them other than saying no to all situations, the trouble they would get in with them and the Lord, they were never told how to handle a difficult spot or peer pressure. Even the most well behaved, christian children can make a bad choice or a bad decision. I have seen those kids I grew up and then also as a nurse and counselor in my church, wind up pregnant at 16, raped, killed in a car accident due to alcohol or speeding. Being honest and open with them, taking their safety first and allowing them to know that their parents have their back and they wont burn in hell because of a bad decision or asking for help out of it, is what works. We can teach them what we believe in terms of the Lord and his love and his plans for us, but we also have to remember normal growth and development especially with the teenaged brain. So unless your child is kept completely sheltered in your home or a parent is with them constantly, there will always be the opportunity for a situation to arise and then need to be comfortable in handling it.
Marilyn – after being a youth pastor’s wife I agree with Kris, and can tell you that no matter how well you “train up a child”, they can all make bad choices, and be put in situations (in or out of their control) where they will NEED tools like the ones mentioned in this post. What you said is spot on, and absolutely true (IF our kids know & follow Jesus), and should definitely be shared with our kids. But even if they do know & love Jesus and seek to do all the things you mention above, not being realistic about the world we live in & the situations that WILL arise because we ALL (including all their wonderful, like-minded friends) have a sin nature inside us is irresponsible. I may not love all the exact phrases that they came up with for their child, but I absolutely think it is 100% necessary to have these conversations. Your kids not only need to be prepared ahead of time for when these situations arise, but they also (perhaps even MORE) need to know that they WILL arise, and that YOU are willing to talk about it with them. As parents, or any adult with influence over a tween/teen’s life, we want our kids to know we are here, we want to talk, we won’t totally FREAK OUT when they mess up. And we also want to give them practical tools & real words they can use. And if even your teen never has to deal with these situations while living IN your home, if they plan to go to college, have a job other than at a church, live in a neighborhood with other people, etc they will need to know how to have conversations like this. And, I would add, perhaps having phrases that don’t always use Bible verses/church language as the only reason they are saying no – b/c while I absolutely think sharing Jesus with people (& being true to yourself and beliefs & being unashamed about them) is important – there is no faster way to shut down any conversation or relationship than to throw Jesus at them and make them feel judged for what they are doing. And, in my experience, once your teen (or even adult) sees how people react when that is the line they use, they may be a lot less likely to use that line in the future.
Marilyn –
You are obviously a devout christian, and you have every right to your personal beliefs. However, that is your personal view, it is not everyone’s view – no matter how strongly you believe it to be the only truth. We talk to our kids about all religions, and let them believe what they feel is right. My oldest believes in Buddhism and reincarnation, my youngest wants to be St. Peter’s back-up man when he needs to take a break. I love the whole concept of Glennon’s topic and use of words for tweens, teens, and adults. It’s brilliant.
Adam and Eve made bad choices. Perfect environment and perfect parenting doesn’t guarantee perfect children.
Yes! Our daughter is 10, and we have had a lot of this same conversation with her. In the case of alcohol or drugs, we suggested that she tell friends or the one offering it: “My parents will be so angry and I will be grounded forever. Not worth it.” But, I totally like your responses. I am sure this is a conversation we will have over and over again in order for her to attempt to be prepared.
Thank you, thank you, for this excellent article. My husband and I have extremely different personalities – I am thoughtful and slow to respond, whereas he is very quick on his feet. I have always struggled with knowing what to say in uncomfortable situations and so this article not only speaks to me specifically, but also to my oldest who takes after me in personality. Although, this plan is so excellent that I will be having the conversation multiple times with all of my kids in the future!
I especially liked that you made sure your son had “planned words” for situations where someone ELSE was uncomfortable like the lonely kid scenario or the kid being teased scenario. It’s difficult to find the right words when someone else is in a difficult situation as well. Thank you for teaching your children (and indirectly mine as well) how to respond in love.
Thank you!
Great topic. Nice to see the discusion that was initiated. Obviously, there are a lot of great parent’s out there! The point that you have that conversation with your child is very important, especially if they act like they are not listening and of course they may “know more than the parent”, tell them anyway! Nice to see the parents supporting other parents!
I have 4 children and we’ve always taught them that’s it’s wrong. But if they decide to do it they can call us no questions asked that night, but there will be some consequences the next day nothing harsh but they would be more harsh if we find out about it by someone else which we always do people talk. It’s proven fact that if you teach your kids to say no to all of these that percentage of children take that with them and dont do it verse the kids that are not told no it’s wrong wait until your old enough etc.
Thank you Glennon! With a daughter heading to HS I need to have this conversation with her. I’m using your words!
When one really knows who they are, they are true to themselves and they will say ‘no’ when they mean ‘no’. Not all kids feel grounded in their skin during the teen years and that’s why it can be so risky and dangerous. When you know who you are, you are confident in yourself, and you will make the right choices that are in alignment with who you are at the core. Teaching kids to be comfortable with themselves, and respect themselves and their bodies lays the framework for a teen feeling confident to say both ‘NO’ and to say ‘YES’.
I think it is also important to let your kid know that they can call you anytime and their safety is priority. I know of many teens (through my job as a youth worker) who have said that they have been really drunk/ high but have been too afraid of the repercussions to call their parents at the time. I am not saying condone the behavior but they need reassurance that they can call you if things go pear shaped and you will be there.
Hi I’m a teenager and I just wanted to say my point of view. I have never once felt pressured into anything and I’ve always been given a choice by my friends because they honestly don’t care if I’m sober because that means more for them. However, the reason why I say yes sometimes is because it’s fun. I’ve grown up with my parents and their friends drinking every once in a while and they always have a good time and so do I. Your kids have more willpower than you give them credit for, and their friends aren’t as mean as you expect them to be. Sometimes people are just curious and they’re going to make bad choices. Don’t teach your kids something they probably won’t need to use later. Teach them moderation and educate them on the dangers of drinking, drinking and driving, etc. Give them boundaries but don’t strangle them.
Sarah,
You have good common sense and I’d be proud to call you my daughter!
Sarah, it is always great to hear from the teens and you are right! I think it is such a fine line all around. I think many times parents remember how they barely survived their teen years and dont want their kids to repeat the same mistakes and then we go overboard with trying to protect. I think keeping lines of communication open as much as possible is so important.
Let your kids have a beer. Everyone drinks. Just teach them how to have limits. That’s the important part. They need to learn how to drink
Everyone does not drink. This kind of logic is what leads to kids making poor choices and is the reason why the author felt the need to have that conversation with her son. And a wise conversation it was.
Well said Julie. Cory, not every kid drinks, but you’re right, many do. Teens naturally want to stretch their boundaries as they stretch their independence. Our hope is that they stay within the limits, but some teens don’t. If the set boundary is to let them drink, then most likely they’ll drink more than that limit. If the set boundary is no drinks, maybe they’ll only step out of that boundary for one. But regardless, let’s be the adults here — the only acceptable, legal blood alcohol level of a teen in the Unites States is still 0.0.
I don’t. Drink, that is. Just so you know.
I don’t drink, never have been drinking. Not everyone drinks!
My parents never talked to me and I had no problem saying no. One guy teased me and said yeah say no to drugs and I looked at him and said that’s right and walked away. I don;t mind the responses to the texting, drinking and driving or the others, but I was not fond of the drug and alcohol responses. I don’t want my kids to make excuses that then others may try to convince them they can get away with it ( my mom will smell it and then they say then wear one of my shirts or smoke it outside..sets themselves up for having to come up with more excuses) I have taught my children to respect themselves and both of them have confidence and they have yet to fall to peer pressure. (and yes I have a teen)
I think the most important thing is helping your child to say no. How he says it doesn’t really matter…..I’d rather my teen lie about his reason and hold fast then feel pressured into saying yes. Some kids need some tools to help them, others may not. As long as they refuse!!!
“They have yet to fall to peer pressure”
Well, as far as you know. Parents have the best intentions – but let’s be real, teens push boundaries all the time. If every parent who thinks “not MY kid!” were right, then we wouldn’t even be talking about this.
Lots of great ideas here!
I don’t care what people say about saying “no”, peer pressure is a bitch and I’m all for having a pat answer for them to use.
Heck, I have a hard enough time saying “no” when asked to do things for school. If I can’t say no to the PTO, how do I expect my kid to say “no” to a beer?
I’ll definitely be letting them use me as an excuse, and the idea of a code word is brilliant!
I think its a great idea to talk to your kids about how to respond in situations they might get into. I worry though about teaching them to lie to avoid a difficult situation. Peer pressure works when kids are scared to say no. If they are caught in a lie or even seem to lie then they seem scared and that can cause worse peer opinion than saying no directly. I would think the goal is to help kids develop the personal confidence to say something like ‘no thanks, I just want a soda’ when they don’t want to drink. If kids really believe its OK to say no, politely, they might actually help the kid next to them to find that confidence too.
I TOTALLY AGREE!!!! I didn’t like the response that my mom smoked pot and she can smell it a mile away. I would NEVER encourage my kid to say that. Seems like this response is trying to get the kid out of a situation while remaining “cool and accepted” Not my idea of a proper response.
Unless you did smoke pot and can now smell it a mile away… which is the truth in my situation and I hope my daughter would use that line!
Frankly, your kid doesn’t need to smoke the pot himself to smell like it. I’ve never smoked pot, but have come home from concerts and parties reeking like I have.
I love this! I just yesterday had a drug and alcohol conversation with my 10 year old – who is bipolar and OCD, family history of addiction. I talked to him about how life was going to throw hard things at him under the guise of friends and fun. He actually ASKED me what he should say instead of just no. It gave me pause. And then I thought about how I just spent 10 minutes explaining how he can ruin his life so quickly with drugs and alcohol – that his addictive personality and family history will not allow him to just experiment. I wanted him to know he has a full life ahead of him…..so I told him to say “Someday I am going to make millions – and THAT won’t get me there. But I’m happy to be your driver for the night.” Was it stellar? No. But it was better than just no, which I don’t think is easy. I love all your suggestions – I am going to use them all. Thank you!
My sister’s friend would take a beer, dump it and then fill it with water.
I love this. THANK YOU so much. I had never thought of having the conversation with the tweens from this perspective!
Love these. One suggestion I picked up in a parenting class as a way to get out of getting into a car with an impaired driver — I feel sick, you don’t want me to yack in your car.
The only problem with this response is that it still allows an impaired driver to get behind the wheel. It should not have to be a child’s responsibility to prevent drunk driving, but it is a friend’s job to help friends from making really bad choices. I like “my dad will pick us up, no questions asked” because it prevents the nightmare of declining a ride from a friend, only to have that friend hit a tree on the way home and then the one who wasn’t a passenger feeling guilty forever after.
My son can use this one. “My mom knows someone who literally lost his head when he was crushed by his friends pick up truck because they both had been partying. His friend survived the accident and was incarcerated and had to leave his young family in order to serve time.”
Dude! The squishy Chase-face in the picture posted with this post is PRICELESS. Dude. Sincerely. Captures: “I love you don’t touch me.” Well done who ever captured this. G., thanks for pitching out ideas. So far, I’ve been doing a preemptive strike by just seeding old-school seventies fear: “I WILL FIND YOU! I WILL ALWAYS KNOW IF YOU’VE BEEN DRINKING! YOU CAN’T GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING! I WILL LEAVE YOU IN JAIL!” So this blog post offers a refreshing, new potential tactic. Peace out.
“You find yourself in a sexual situation you’d prefer not to be in: Hey, I like you too much for this to go down this way.”
Listen, so much good advice in this post. But the above really upsets me because it implies that a peer engaging in a sexual activity with your son runs the risk of not being liked after the fact. Sexual agency exists for women as well as men. Or in this case, young women as well as young men. This wording is troubling to me because is smacks of slut shamming.
Why place the reason for stopping on the shoulders of the partner’s likability? I don’t mean to be unkind, but that is cowardly. Why not take responsibility and say, “I’m not ready to do this.”? I know these are hard conversations, I know this is asking a lot from a young man, but how we treat our sexual partners as young people sets up behaviors that can be hard to break. Respect for each other is paramount. Shaming is unacceptable.
I read this quite differently than you did. I read that he was in a situation that made him uncomfortable.. that he did not want to be in. I didn’t assume the other person was male or female and I didn’t even assume that it was someone that wanted something sexually *from him*.. but potentially that he was with friends maybe making someone else feel badly (i.e.. a couple of guys being sexually aggressive to a girl a a party).. I could hear him saying to another male or female who was pressuring him “I like you too much…” or to a peer at a party “I like you too much…” This is not a situation where he is happily engaging in mutual sexuality with a female that is happily engaging back and that he threatens not to like her tomorrow. He is in a situation that he “does not want to be in”. No slut shaming here. This is about .. he needs to get out. He pretty much gets to say whatever he needs to, in order to get out of that situation.
First of all, I’d like to be clear that I’m not criticizing Chase personally. More trying to figure out what to say to our collective sons about tough sexual situations. I was in a rush when I commented earlier and I did not mean to suggest Chase was cowardly. At all. I’m sorry if it came across that way.
Lisa, I hear where you are coming from. But I don’t quite agree. The wording made it sound like something you’d say to someone while engaged in sexual activity. And I have a problem with that.
Also, in terms of needed to get out of the situation, I respect our teenage boys might be in those situations. But I think we must teach them it is their responsibility to help get the target of sexual aggression out of the situation, not only get out themselves. We need to teach our sons that they are culpable if they know something is going down and they do nothing to stop it.
I think you are missing the main point here. The purpose of this is to help them be able to stop a situation they do not feel they should be in. I didn’t hear anywhere in the statement that they are saying they would not like the other person afterward. He’s saying, “I like you (respect you) too much to let this happen.” How is that insinuating the other person is a slut? The person is acknowledging that it would be a mistake for them to let this go any further. He’s not saying, “I wouldn’t like you afterward” but rather “I like you and so I think we shouldn’t go any further because that could hurt you (us).” That’s how I read the above. Using this line would show respect for the other person.
Donna, I respectfully disagree. Now, again, I think this post is meant as a guidepost for many young people so I don’t mean to single out the young man referenced. And I am making the assumption that it is a heterosexual interaction, but being that the majority of people are straight I don’t think that is unreasonable. That said, I also feel that gay sexual interactions should be respectful to both parties.
In the statement “I like you too much too….” the act of liking is directly tied to the activity described. If the statement was “I like you.” I wouldn’t think it was tied to the action, but it clearly is. I think there is a veiled threat there. And young women face veiled threats about their sexual behavior for their whole lives, often so subtle that they go unrecognized. Good girls don’t. She was asking for it by wearing a short skirt. She is too bossy, too witchy with a B. Did you see the blogger who called out her sons’ female friends who posted bikini pictures on social media? Her sons had to unfriend those girls. But in the post above she had included photos of her sons in bathing suits. Girls are held to a different standard than boys and it is damaging.
I do not have daughters, but I love and worry about my nieces and the girls of my friends. I want those girls to be raised to be equal, both in their eyes and in the eyes of our boys, to our sons.
I would have to agree with you on this. If he would say that to me than I would think that he only does it with people he doesn’t like that much. Maybe I am being crazy of thinking that, but just say “I am not ready”, or just say NO. Yeah I have to say also I don’t agree with that comment either. You are almost sounding like also you have had sex already. That would be one NO answer that does not need a explanation!!!
How about……..”I’m planning to wait until I’m married.” That is still the best choice.
Betsy, I love your counter-cultural elegance here. Thank you!
You never disappoint, my friend! Just when I think you’re writing couldn’t get better, you come up with something so perfect, such as this! Thanks!!! XOXO
Please disregard the “you’re”. I completely meant your!!! For the love!
Fantastic g well said.
The other funny thing is we spend all this time telling kids don’t lie tell the truth…but sometimes a little fib is the words you need to get out of a bad situation like your line ” I’m allergic to alcohol” . Funny old world isn’t it?!
Hey Selby!
I just wrote to respond to another comment!
Alcoholism runs rampant in my family and partly on Craig’s. The genes my kids have been passed down are loaded with danger when it comes to alcohol. We have been explaining this to our children for a while now- and we’ve done years of research about how to explain this to them in ways that are developmentally appropriate to their age. “Allergic” is not the perfect word to describe how the bodies of many of my family members (including me) react to alcohol- but it’s close. And it is, in Craig and my opinion, a perfectly acceptable way for Chase to explain the unique danger to HIS body alcohol presents. It gets his VERY IMPORTANT point across without the embarrassment he’d experience by having to explain about our family’s alcoholism. There are no lies in his responses.
You just didn’t know our whole story- I understand that. But that’s what makes it dangerous to assume lies are present. Thanks- Glennon
OOOOH AND SELBY THAT LAST LINE ABOUT THE DANGERS OF ASSUMING WAS NOT FOR YOU!! 🙂
Thanks for your reply G- just to clarify I wasn’t meaning to suggest it was a fib for you guys( sorry bout that I should have written much more clearly, can see how it didn’t read as I intended) but more wanting to comment on how hung up we as a society get on fibs with kids like as if we adults don’t tell plenty when we feel it’s justified like likes of omission etc
For me to have said that as a teen would be a bit of a fib but you know what if it keeps you safe I’d say that’s WAY more important & now as a mum myself whatever words keep my precious child safe will be fine by me.
I think the issue of a lie is a lie in itself. we all have to lie sometimes. what is lying anyway? it’s our own narrative the way we need it to be to suit ourselves, and our self preservation. we need to teach self-preservation. sometimes using our own narrative in the way we need it to fit our lives is important. for example, “i’m allergic to alcohol, can’t do it” is a perfect narrative to get someone out of a situation where saying no will be so hard to do. it is way easier to take the drink and go with the crowd. how would you know you were allergic if you never tried it. but just saying it, is not a lie, it is a narrative for self-preservation. teach them to protect themselves however they need to.
My dad, a recovering alcoholic, always quips, “I’m allergic to beer. It makes me break out in bad behavior.”
When my son was in 5th grade, he was over at someone’s house and something started to happen that he didn’t want to be part of, but he couldn’t say no. So he did something really smart, he asked to use the phone and called home. When I answered he said, “Just checking to see if you still want me home in 10 mins.” I said, “Yes, I need you home right away.” I heard him telling his friends that his mother needed him at home right away. After that incident, we decided that we would have a code word, (we chose bubble gun) that he could use if he was in a sticky situation. It got used more than I thought it would, over the next few years.
Our family used a more subtle keyword. If the teen asked “May I…” the answer was always No. If the teen asked “Can I…” then it was up to the parent’s choice.
We also have a code word that our son and various exchange students use, “Mother”. If i hear it instead of the usual “Mom” I know to become the heavy and give them an excuse to leave. I’ve also always told the kids they may use us as the bad guys; I can’t, my mom has a drug test at home, my Dad knows all the local cops, etc.
Growing up in the 70s/80s, I always used my parents as an excuse. Friends knew we had a fairly strict household, and a “I can’t, my mother won’t let me” was enough to get me out of something. Was it nerdy? Yes. Did it make me the most popular person? Nooo. Am I alive and healthy today? Yes. Would it work in today’s society when so many parents have so little influence in their children’s lives….not sure. But it’s an option, similar to any of the scenarios above when people have code words.. I’m all for shifting the blame to the parents, particularly in the tween and early teen years. We’ll happily take it.
My Mom did this too. She said I wasn’t allowed to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. So I could say that my Mom wouldn’t let me, whether I had talked to her about it or not.
Molly – I LOVE this.
I love this! What a great idea!
Jane! you must have done something right to get that phone call in the first place! That made me happy to hear that and I hope as my kids get older they can rely on us to help them too, when placed in an uncomfortable situation. I just want them to know that if they get in a situation that they wont be in trouble per say, if they call us first and make the right choice. WTG!!
Glennon and Craig, excellent parenting. My life may have gone VERY differently if I’d had a discussion HALF as open and honest as this at Chase’s age. Sharing this with my parent friends!! Xxx
My triplets are almost eleven months old. I love this idea and am bookmarking it for five or six years from now. As a brand new mom at age 50 I am learning so much from all of you fabulous, experienced moms. Many thanks.
I love this post so much Glennon! Linking it up this week.
Wow! THANK YOU for this post!! Wonderful advice!!
I saw you speak in Winston-Salem a few months ago and I think you’re absolutely delightful! God bless you!!
Wow. My jaw is laying on my lap. Just uesterday my son, 14, just came up with an ‘escape plan’ for when someone wants to spend the night with him (or vice versa), but he’s just not feeling it. He’ll ask if (fill in the blanl) can stay the night and follow that up with, “What’s my chore today?” That’s my cue to say, “No.” I really struggled with approving this method. I’ve tried the whole just say no speech, but he can’t do it. You know what? Neither can I and I am 37!! This is definitely going to be a discussion for the two of us. I’ve always felt confident that, under pressure, he would say no. Now I have to wonder. Thank you so much for such an awesome and eye opening article.
Thank you for this article. When I was 16 I hung around with a party crowd. We were around drugs and alcohol every weekend. In my Junior year, my brother’s best friend killed himself in a drunk driving accident (he was two months away from graduating high school). This changed everything in our town as it brought reality home–sad that an amazing kid had to die to have it sink in. Thankfully, in my junior year, I was blessed enough to hang with one boy who had tried cocaine. We were at a party and I was considering trying these drugs…This boy came over to me and told me never to do it because some people die the very first time they try it (and you’ll never know if you are one of those until you die) and then he said that for him personally, from the very first time he tried cocaine, he was obsessed with it–from that moment forward it has controlled his life and his every thought was on when/how/where could he get more. He didn’t want to see me be controlled like that and warned me heavily. He was a pretty cool kid so I respected what he was saying. I just shared that story with my 14 year old son and he was receptive. I am still so thankful to that kid (who I never saw again because he was in a private school)–I don’t even know his name, but can picture so vividly that conversation and am so thankful for it now. Thanks for this article and getting these ideas out there…and, remember, it’s not a one-time conversation (as you’ve said)…
Patrick (a little further down) brought up a very good subject that I hadn’t yet seen here: guns. This is not about second amendment rights or someone trying to take away your guns. Maybe your kid has been trained for years and is a blue ribbon marksman; I don’t care. If a child OR an adult has a gun out where my child is, I want my child out of there.
Several years ago, I was leaving my child at a sleepover and had to take a deep breath to get up the nerve to ask if they had guns in their house. The dad looked surprised and said, “yes!” (kind of like, “doesn’t everyone?”) and asked if I would like him to lock them up. Yes, please!
I just had this conversation with my 10-year-old last night – what do you do if you’re at someone’s house and another kid wants to show you a gun/handle a gun/etc.? He was upset, said he didn’t think this would ever happen since his friends are nice guys, and we talked about how people make bad decisions sometimes and accidents happen. I don’t want my precious boy to be an accident. He got it, and now he has words to use.
Good for you!
I disagree with the NRA about a lot of things, but their gun safety training for kids boils down to
If you see a gun, stop, leave the area, tell an adult.
I’m pretty sure their materials are available free.
And they say all guns should be secured in a house where children live or visit.
As someone who also struggles with saying no and is learning to use the time-buying “I’ll have to get back to you” response, I never considered how this sets the example for my kids. I might tell them to say no, but if I’m just as conditioned to get along with my peers (even if it’s about volunteer commitments, not drunk driving or weed), I’m demonstrating that it’s not really okay to disappoint your friends. Thanks for this insight!
I have a teenage boy and a tween girl. Both are good students and well-liked and people-pleasers. Recently the boy was sleeping over at a friends house and arrived home at 11am. We asked him what he had for breakfast, and he said that they didn’t have breakfast. He was really hungry but didn’t feel right about saying he needed to eat. We told him that he has to stand up for himself whenever the opportunity arises – it’s not OK to miss breakfast if you’re hungry and it’s not OK to get dragged into a situation that makes you uncomfortable! Thanks for the great post.
Angie, come on. It’s totally ok to miss one breakfast. Your kid is not going to starve to death. Maybe the family didn’t have enough food! What a ridiculous analogy to make. Stand up for himself about BREAKFAST???? Doesn’t even compare to what this article is about.
If your child can’t ask for breakfast, do you think he can say no to alcohol or something else that is even more difficult than a bagel;? Start young teaching your children how to ask for things, how to stand up for themselves and how to ask for help.
I disagree, for a child with diabetes or other medical issues, missing a meal can be a life and death thing. Learning how to stand up for yourself, no matter how or where it is done is important.
Brandy, I was not equating missing a meal to doing drugs or having sex, I was merely saying that I need to teach my son to stand up for himself when it’s an easy situation like wanting to eat and a much harder one like doing drugs or having sex. Of course missing a meal won’t kill him, but he should have the guts to tell his good friend that he’s hungry so that when his good friend offers him a beer he’s comfortable saying “no.”
Some people just don’t get it… I totally got what you meant and I have small kids now but its a concept of standing up for yourself and speaking your mind. Search online a video, what would you do- harlem barber shop. You will be amazed at what people do or do not do when you watch it. Just wanted to support your comment and let you know that I got it too!
I like where the article is going….give your tween/teen the language to decline and say No.
I am concerned about the example of lying about allergies…”I’m allergic to alcohol.” 1 in 13 kids today have food allergies that can be life threatening. If food allergic young people to get in these situations, and they *may* actually be allergic to what is in a drink, their friends need to react quickly if the allergen is consumed. Friends may find themselves needing to look out for their food allergic friends. Combine that need with intoxication of the friends and it is already a dangerous situation. A person with a wheat allergy probably IS allergic to beer. A person with a milk or nut allergy, probably *can’t* have certain cocktails.
So people should not say they are allergic if they are not. It can cause confusion and misinformation in the community and decrease the awareness of food allergies that really are a concern for many young people today.
Really!? If it’s gonna get your friends off your back about drinking at that place and time then I REALLY don’t see how it will hurt.
I agree–tell them you get a reaction from it—
Or, how about (like the pot response) tell them “My parents will sniff your breath when you get home and how that stinks, but it is the way it is…”
Any more ideas??
it might get them off your back that one time….then let’s say another time you decide to have a drink….drink too much and vomit.
Vomiting is a sign of anaphylaxis especially if soon after ingesting an allergen. Should your friends call an ambulance? Should they inject you with an epipen? Maybe they will do both because you told them that you are allergic.
Now there is confusion and maybe your friends are fearful that you are having a life threatening reaction that they’ve heard other people have had…and you may get an injection that you hadn’t planned and an ambulance bill you hadn’t planned on.
Crying wolf or using what you think is a “white lie” can have its consequences.
I agree with what Stef posted. It plays a role in miseducating people to say you are allergic to something when you aren’t. It may feel ok to you, but it does a disservice to teens who truly are allergic to certain drinks (wine and beer can contain milk or egg due to the fining process). Our kids really depend on their close friends to help them if they cannot help themselves. Most friends know where they keep their epinephrine
*eye roll*
Ditto
There is something to not having to tell a lie in this situation. Saying “No thanks, I’m good.” ought to be enough to refuse an offer. If pressed further, “I just don’t feel like drinking right now.” is another solution. But I’ve been sober a little over 24 years and I still find the situation a little awkward when I am at a function and someone wants to buy me a drink. But more so when the person wants to either press me for a reason. I feel for teens these days because the drinking culture seems to be starting younger than when I was that age. I AM reminded of something Stephen Covey said, “It is easier to say NO to something when you have a bigger YES burning inside you!”
I would say, “sure, you can buy me a drink!” and order a soda or an expensive fresh pressed juice alcohol free. Its that simple!
I hung around the wrong crowd in my teen years and got asked to drink and do drugs on a regular basis. My reply was exactly that – “no thanks, I’m good.” I probably had 50 different people offer it in those few years and not one of them ever gave me a hard time about it. Kids shouldn’t have to lie to get out of doing something that they know is wrong and armful to themselves and others. Simply saying no should suffice.
I actually *am* allergic to alcohol. Even if I have a tiny bit, my stomach begins to hurt awfully and I end up curled up in a ball on the floor. OK, so I don’t know if it is an actual allergy with an immune system response, but it is an “intolerance.” I thinks it’s an acceptable excuse.
You *do* have an intolerance then. and a physical reaction to alcohol that is not a pleasant one.
People with food allergies can have a life threatening reaction to a food or small amount of the food protein within minutes of ingesting the protein.
It is a medical diagnosis that should not be taken lightly.
And BTW, I wouldn’t pressure you to drink if you didn’t want to.
Maybe you actually do have an allergy. Something you might want to discuss with a doctor so you can know if it is a dangerous for you and if you should be carrying an epipen.
love the “thanks, i’m good” language.
I really like the idea of sitting down and having the talk with our kids. My wife and I have that on our “to do” list. However, I’m concerned about some of the reasons offered. Using the excuse that you are allergic to alcohol sends the message that it is okay to lie in these situations. You might say, “It’s just a little white lie.” Really? Lying is a learned behavior that is used to avoid one uncomfortable situation when in reality it only postpones it. Once learned, lying will continue to be used as a way to avoid awkward situations. What happens when they find out you are not telling the truth? Lying about it is not the answer.
I also have a concern about using their parents as the scape goat for not smoking weed. If you want to blame someone blame the fear of being caught by the police and having it on your record! Shifting the accountability and responsibility to someone else is not the answer. Choices have consequences, but so do the excuses we prompt them to use.
I agree. I like most of the ideas because they don’t blame or judge the person asking, and emphasize that the relationship is important to them. But using white lies as excuses is not ok. I don’t like time-buying, either because it strings people along, and it isn’t fair to them. They have to wonder if you really mean you’ll get back to them, or if you’re gently blowing them off. If you don’t get back to them don’t they call you later to follow up sometimes, and then you have to come up with something more awkward and uncomfortable. Some of us are not good with subtlety, and we take people at their word. I think we need to be able to say what we mean without fear. “I would really like to help you out, but I am so overcommitted already.” What is wrong with saying that?
I agree with your first point. But using your parents as a scapegoat for not smoking weed is TRUE! They will smell it on you and you will get the third degree, at least.
(However, if your friends then say “Okay, let’s have pot brownies instead,” I’m not sure what to say…)
“My mom randomly drug tests me.” (I do) and btw I think that all parents should. Some of them might be surprised at what they find.
DAMN!! POT BROWNIES!!!!! Forgot about those.
For your consideration:
Alcoholism runs rampant in my family and partly on Craig’s. The genes my kids have been passed down are loaded with danger when it comes to alcohol. We have been explaining this to our children for a while now- and we’ve done years of research about how to explain this to them in ways that are developmentally appropriate to their age. “Allergic” is not the perfect word to describe how the bodies of many of my family members (including me) react to alcohol- but it’s close. And it is, in Craig and my opinion, a perfectly acceptable way for Chase to explain the unique danger to HIS body alcohol presents. It gets his VERY IMPORTANT point across without the embarrassment he’d experience by having to explain about our family’s alcoholism. There are no lies in his responses.
You just didn’t know our whole story- I understand that. But that’s what makes it dangerous to assume lies are present. Thanks- Glennon
I read the allergic comment not as a lie, but as a joke. Granted I see in this case there is truth to it, but I can see using it as a light brush-off. Not exactly true, but not intended to be literally believed either.
My mom told me that she was allergic to cocaine, that it had been used as anesthesia on her for a surgery when she was younger and she almost died. I didn’t think of verifying her story. Knowing that all sorts of things can be laced with almost anything, I’ve never done more than one long drag on a joint (and it hurt so much I never did it again). I actually plan to tell my kids the same thing. An allergy runs in our family. They understand that allergies are serious business already.
Of course we have other strategies that include talking about all of these things in an open and non-judgemental manner, and giving grace for some experimentation, but I’m pulling out the allergy card first.
Great idea–like that about the cocaine allergy.
She probably has a pseudocholinesterase deficiency. My sister found out she had it after having surgery with succinylcholine and waking up in the icu on a ventilator. That mutation that causes it runs in our family too and although I’ve been tested my kids haven’t which is awesome. Now even if they don’t have it I can tell them they likely do and one time doing cocaine and they’ll be dead. I hope they take me seriously since you know it might be true for them as it is for me.
I say everyone should tell their kids about this mutation and say hey who knows we might have it too.
Great stuff thanks for sharing and what also comes to mind is that teens will push and push and push again. Often you will have to walk away or give a firm, “stop bugging me about this.”
Honestly? I believe it’s easier for an adult, or child, to have the balls (or boobs to pull it off) to just SAY NO, if they were ever told no. Instead of having to waste energy with excuses teach the child discipline, it will solve so many issues, not just the no issue.
I recall being a teen and I was the last one of my friends to drink. I just thought it was cool to be different. I had many many many persuading discussions until everyone just knew I didn’t drink. One liners aren’t going to be incredibly effective. Better than nothing – sure. Recall that when someone is doing something wrong they would prefer a partner in crime. There is a LOT more persuading that happens after the initial blow off. The harsh reality is that your kid may WANT to try it and see what all the fuss is about. How do we deal with that?
Force them to drink 6 beers at home (although not sure if legal). This was something my grandfather did when my uncle felt pressured and wanted to try it. He was pretty sick the next morning and lost his urge to drink again…Old school, though…
We used this strategy with our tweens and teens. When they get in a situation that is uncomfortable for them, or they plain just know they shouldn’t be a part of, they say they need to check in at home. When the phone is answered they give it a few seconds of chit chat and then start saying loudly and with a lot of protest, “what do you mean I have to leave now”? That’s our cue to go pick them up wherever they are, no questions asked. It has worked really well for those times they couldn’t find the words to get out of a tight spot.
That is genius. Filing that away for future use.
I love this. Thanks for sharing!
I have something similar with my sister and her friends (I’m 11 years older). If any of them are in a tough spot, they can call me, say a code word (blueberry – who knows why we picked that), and I’ll pick them up, no questions asked. It’s usually followed by something to the effect you posted, “What? I have to leave?” Glad to see others are on the same page!
I love this! Great idea!
Wow, this is a real “Why didn’t I think of that?” moment!!! Thank you, thank you thank you for this idea! I wish I had had this phone signal when I was a peer pleasing teen, I would have liked to have some back-up from my parents when I was in over my head.
Once, my friend asked her young son to put away his shoes, and he said, “No, thank you.” She was so startled by and pleased with his politeness that she forgot to make him put away his shoes! I have been using this magic phrase ever since. Works every time. It makes it seem as though the person has offered you something wonderful, but, sadly, you have to decline. No one ever even asks me why I’m saying no.
As someone who has put “saying no more often” on my new years resolution list multiple years in a row (I get better every year!) I LOVED this post. As a mom with kids who are just crossing double digits, the translation to parenting and equipping them is excellent. Thank you for this post.
And it’s not just saying no to peers. A while back three Tween boys were approached by a man who said he was a co-worker of one of their dads, dad had been delayed at work, and this guy was sposed to give them a ride home. Two of the boys went w him, the other didn’t. The two were found molested and strangled. The police asked the third boy why he didn’t go. He said it didn’t feel right to him and he knew his parents would understand and wouldn’t be mad at him for not accepting the ride. The lesson was that too often we teach kids to do what grown ups tell them without letting them no they can say no to grown ups, no matter how reasonable they seem.
This is the precise reason for the necessity of a “code word.”
Agreed!
My mom gave us a code word growing up– she said that she would *never* send someone to pick us up (without telling us ahead of time), without giving them this code word.
It is *so* important that we teach kids to listen to their gut feelings, in order to keep them safe. The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence is a fabulous book for this.
In my part of the world my teenage daughters conversations also revolved around guns (if anyone ever gets out their dad’s guns to show off LEAVE and call me they always think they are unloaded at about every six months someone is “accidently” shot) and water, they learned to swim in lakes and streams at a young age and were taught to pay attention to their friends horse playing around water, seems like every summer someone who cannot swim drowns because they get pushed in the water or fall out of a boat. Before cell phones we always made sure they had a pocket full of quarters for pay phones.
Thank you for the “What to say”. So perfect. Adding humor with it will always help both sides too!
Research has shown that this is why the say no campaign was so ineffective. People, especially kids, have a very hard time saying no to friends, who are most likely the ones dong the tempting.
Our kids fond that saying “Are you kidding? My mom would kill me (or ground me for life)!” Worked like a charm in a broad range of situations.
I always told my kids that they could use me as an excuse any time they needed to. The other kids can think I am the worse person ever, I don’t care. I also told my kids that if they ever needed a ride so they would be safe, to call. It didn’t matter the time I would come get them. 2 of our children have used this option. One, not so long ago and she is 24!
You sound just like me and it has worked just fine for the past 18 years. We have taught our children right from the start to go with your gut and use me whenever needed for any excuse. We are also the ….I will pick you up any day/night whenever you need me! I will also bring their friends who need a safe ride or escape from peer pressure too if needed. No questions asked, at the moment. The next day we will discuss…
My mom told me the same thing– no matter what time of night it is, no matter what’s going on, you can always call me to pick you up, and I’ll hold off on the discipline/discussions until the next morning. I plan to tell my son the same thing.
I always told my kids to blame it on their mom (or parents). I really didn’t care what their friends thought of me. I love the comments about ‘my mom could smell it on my clothes’ or on my breath. It’s good to have someone else to blame. Now that they’re in college, though, they can’t blame mom anymore so they need to have the other responses. I’m allergic to smoke works, as does nursing water or a single beer in a red Solo cup. Just don’t make a big deal of it, as people generally won’t notice if you’re not getting drunk. And they’re happy to have someone around later who’s still sober.
This is a very good point– the parents excuse won’t work in college. I had a driver’s ed instructor who recommended carrying around a red Solo cup full of water (or something else non-alchoholic). If people see that you have a cup in your hand, they won’t offer you a drink. They’ll just assume that you’re drinking the same things they are.
Loved your post… just a thought:The HOW to say things is nearly as important as the WHAT. Just yesterday I was in a “I don’t know what to say or HOW to say it” to get out of an uncomfortable situation. And i am 38! A doctor was being rude and uncaring and generally crappy and I just wanted OUT OF THERE!. And I thought “it does not matter what she thinks.. she might think I am a coward. She might think I made her come all this way for nothing. I dont CARE!” but because I DID not know how to say “Look, you are being rude, your patient attention protocol is not right, you are using shame, you want to me explain all these infront of other patients, your place need more higiene” I just said “Look, I just got a phone call and my husband prefers me to wait on this procedure until we get home to Chile” and fled. One of the few good things or a macho country like ecuador is that you can blame your husband for EVERYTHING. 😀
Point is. I GOT OUT. Which is a BIG step for me. But now, I want to work on saying the truth, in SAYING what I want to say. And I have NO clue ohow to do that without making a scene.
Thanks for the post, the examples are great!
Funny, I always ‘blame’ my husband when the clerk tries to get me to open a charge card and get 20% off and on and on. I say, my husband will kill me if I get another card. They stop their pitch. Terrific post, Glennon!
I’ve used the husband excuse, too, on pushy door-to-door salespeople. “I’ll talk to my husband about it and get back to you.”
I don’t have trouble with clerks at stores, although I understand it. I *do* have that trouble with doctors and being afraid to call them on rude behavior.
My daughter is at the “Look! A bird!” stage and using her words entails signing “more” in her high chair, but this is a valuable lesson to keep in mind. Coming up with time-buying responses will be a tool she’ll need even before her tween years. And teaching our children to make good decisions for themselves will teach them to establish boundaries that keep them safe. Thank you for this.
Ha! Maybe when someone offers her a drink, she can say, “look! A bird!” and head the other direction. 😉
Pertaining to the drunk driving: I decided that when my kids are old enough (they are 5 and 2, so hopefully I have a little time) they will get a credit/debit card from me. It can be used for cab rides only. Wherever, whenever. No questions asked. Doesn’t matter how much it is, as long as it is a cab company. I hope this gives some ammo to make good choices when it comes to drunk or buzzed driving. An average DUI costs (if you are lucky and don’t kill yourself of someone else 14,000!) I figure no cab ride can be that much.
that’s a really good idea. THanks!
Good idea!
Yes – that is a *fantastic* idea!!!!
That’s a great idea! There wouldn’t be the stigma of calling your mom to pick you up, or the risk of having your parent see things you don’t want her to see…
Fantastic post, thank you for sharing this. My tween and I will be going over scenarios tonight!
Great advise. I wish somebody would have told me years ago. I will use it now with my grandchildren. Thank You.
That split second response can be damning and dangerous and carry life long consequences. My 21 yr old was at a music festival last summer and her “friend” asked her to hold his 1 pill of Molly in her jean short pocket. Because he was wearing a skin tight costume and you know, he didn’t want to lose it. An undercover cop saw it and easily talked him into selling it to him. They were arrested on the spot, kept for 36 hrs in the worst jail in the US and it took more than a year and thousands of $’s to settle the felony 3 charges they had.
These conversations are hard and necessary. They must understand the power Yes has and consider what saying No will protect them from.
This was great! Thanks!
Good ideas and good words, Glennon. I hope other parents will use yours as a starting point but also sit down with their kids and come up with ones just for them. If your child is part of this planning process, he or she will know you are in it with them (especially the “my dad will come and get us” one), plus they will feel more ownership because they got to have a say in it. They will likely be glad that you acknowledge those situations are out there.
This might also be a good time to start or reiterate the “no means NO, with or without an explanation” talk, especially for your sons. Sadly, our daughters are still going to be pressured, so we can help them find words for those situations, too, geared to their gender, because, let’s face it, most of the time it’s going to be different pressure. Boys will have their manhood challenged, both preferences and abilities, and almost certainly in offensive language. That’s a lot to handle.
In my opinion, girls need a wider range of “outs” because they are going to have a bigger variety of “lines” thrown at them. If you can’t come up with your own, you (the adult) can probably Google “how to say no to sex” and find ones you are comfortable sharing with your child. Girls need conversations about how valued they are simply because they are a human being (and a child of God, if that fits your world view), not for how they look or what they allow boys to do.
Glennon, I don’t know if you think this is worth another whole blog, helping parents (and kids) find ways to say “no” to sexual overtures and standing by it. Handling bullies is going to morph into protecting themselves *and their friends” at parties and in other situations that may arise.
I disagree. Boys have just as many difficult situations thrown at them. The challenges may be different, but things are not harder for girls over boys.
All the statistics point to the fact that, in sexual situations, girls have it harder. That’s the honest truth. Boys don’t have it easy either, but girls are targeted for sexual assault way more often.
Flo, in case I wasn’t clear, I meant specifically the pressure to have sex. Otherwise, yes, both boys and girls have all kinds of situations in which they need to learn to say no/stand up for themselves with confidence.
A blog post on teaching kids how to say no to unwanted sexual contact– and how to help out friends in dangerous situations– would be great! This makes me think of the fabulous “Men can stop rape” ad campaign.
Yes! Yes! Great wisdom here. Thank you!
Thank you for this! My guy’s only 5 (okay, 6 in a month), but the years are flying by.
G
You hit the mark today,wish I had read this 30 years ago.
I saw a show on the newest ‘Louie’ TV show the other night, It was different from his other shows, this one was dedicated to Philip Seymour Hoffman,1 1/2 hrs long, but one of the points I got out of the Louie show,,as it relates to your theme today, is that it’s usually our friends that are the gateway to drugs and alcohol,self destruction, not some bogie man in a trench coat or some hippy looking dude standing on the street corner Bogarting a joint… ….Great tools for the tool box for adults and Kiddies,nice work,G…Peace darlin
You know why I love this? Because as a Mormon family, we teach them that we don’t drink, not to have sex before marriage, obey the laws of the land, etc. BUT, just teaching them what we believe and leaving it at that makes the dangerous assumption that my kids will never be in situations like the ones you described. And being raised Mormon, I found myself in some of those situations. Some things were harder to say no to than others for the exact reasons you mentioned. I was screaming no in my head, but afraid to say it out loud. I could have really used a conversation like the one you had with your son. I need to remember that my children are just as human as I am. And that knowing that we want to say no doesn’t always mean we know how. I know they will make mistakes and I am not worried about that so much. But I would rather they decide truly for themselves what mistakes to make. You know? This is great advice and I think a Family Home Evening lesson idea just presented itself:)
They are fantastic at saying no until we train them they aren’t allowed to… Maybe the trick to being able to say no is treating them with more respect when they are little and telling you no.
oh my gosh, YES. i was just reading this article and thinking about why i often ever felt such pressure to say yes in troublesome situations when i knew no was the right answer, anyway. and it hit me that part of it is because whenever i would say no to anything in a family setting, including reasonably as i got older, it was shut down with a “DON’T YOU DARE SAY NO TO ME.” believe it or not, those things scar us… to this day, i can’t be called by my full name, because that it what my parents would call me when they were enraged. it almost makes me cry to hear my full name from someone because of what negative emotions it stirs. and now i am thinking all those times i was terrified to say no may have been due in part to how scared i was of being verbally and emotionally whipped the way i was by my family when i did not follow their way.
Very good point, if we train our children to not be able to say no to us, how can we expect them to say no in other situations.
And Cp- I dont mean this to sound flip- but you can change your name, there is no reason you have to be stuck with it, if it makes you feel so badly. And for you this might be the ultimate in “no’s”
cp, I like Anelise’s idea. Seriously. If it’s really causing you that much pain, you could change it legally or simply by telling people that you are going to. I have a cousin who changed her name, and I think all she did was start telling people that she had changed it and that’s what she wanted to be called now. Worth considering.
Nice job! 🙂 One of my favorites for our girls (they’re older and coming up with their own now) in the face of premature dating (yes, I thought that was going to be WELL into their 30’s…..go figure) was, “Thanks, but I’m focusing on my career right now.” They were in elementary/junior high school. It was funny and disarming so the dude got to save face and she could move on! LOL I have to tell you though that our middle girl responded to a guy in late elementary – “Go out? Where? You can’t even drive.” I can’t stress enough the value of having the discussions (not even the whole, big ‘sit down, we need to talk’ times), keeping the communication open and using every possible available opportunity (tv show, friend drama, etc). When they roll their eyes and go, ‘yeah, mom, we know’ I know that they are starting to hear my voice in those situations. You hope they never have to use it, but also, know they will. To build them up so they feel armed, protected, safe – that’s our privilege. Carry on! 🙂
I love this! Thank you. OMG, elementary school?!? I am going to have to be prepared WAY earlier than I thought. (I have a 3-year-old, so there should still be time 😉 .)
My son is a competitive swimmer…he’s only 10, but he told a boy at school that his friend was a teammate, not a girlfriend. He had promised himself he wouldn’t date until he went to the Olympics…
Children are entering puberty earlier and earlier, so they have stronger sexual urges at a younger age. I think saying “no” to your own body is harder than saying no to alcohol or drugs.
I see my young grandson struggling with puberty and the strong emotions that come with it. I’ve overheard him making inappropriate comments about girls and sex with his friends, trying to be cool or whatever. I didn’t step in at the time as it was a private conversation.
But I’ve tried to have an open conversation with him about sex. I completely agree with this thread – it doesn’t help to teach the kids to “just say no.” So far, I have tried to emphasize “only do things that make you proud of yourself. Make sure that the girl feels the same way. The next time you see her, neither one of you should feel embarrassed or ashamed.”
Thanks for the great article – now I see that the next step is helping him find the language in the moment…
Thank you, Glennon, for pointing out that kids need the right words in order to make the right choice. I’m filing this post away to share with my 11yo tonight. He’s just the sort of kid who really, really wants to do the right thing but is terrible with finding the right words under pressure (much like his mama).
Such a tough topic…One fantastic book that I found that addresses these issues is called “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It has helped me a ton and I plan to use what I learn to teach my boys about “No.”
Great idea! Personally, I’d replace “allergic” with “gives me migraines”. The detail makes it seem as though he’s already experienced it and is now a wiser soul. This avoids the challenges (that some get when they just say they are allergic or have an intolerance to food!) of disbelief (you’re not allergic, you can’t be, how do you know? etc.). Or malicious pranks trying to see if he really is by slipping him some and then he’d have to fake anaphylactic shock and look for epi pens and have you fake taking him to the hospital… all of which sounds dramatically fun now that I think about it. Nevermind. 🙂
Great idea about the migraines!
This is so perfect. I did something much like this with my daughter when she was about 13. She is now 18 and getting ready to go off to college. I know she’s had a few bumps in the road, but she totally came out like I knew what I was doing or something! As always, Glennon, you really know how to use your words!!
I love raising my kids with you, Glennon! My daughter is 12, and she sometimes says, “I don’t want to be a teenager! They seem like such jerks!” I remind her that she gets to choose her own behaviors. But I also know that what you say here is true. People who pay attention to the flight attendant, check for exits and make a plan before the flight takes off are far more likely to survive the crash. It makes sense that the same is true of the teen years. I will be having this conversation with my girl as soon as she gets home from camp. And it seems like the kind of conversation that could happen several times. Like hearing the flight attendant’s spiel. Or the gospel. The more times, the better.
This conversation is happening THIS WEEK!! Thank you for the motivation and idea!
I love this so, so much! My 7 year old (yes you read that right) has already had to start dealing with some peer pressure. Lately she’s made a few bad decisions and one that was potentially dangerous (crossing a busy, busy, busy street in our neighborhood on her bike that she knows she’s not allowed to cross without an adult) just because her friends wanted to do it. We’ve talked to her about peer pressure and she knows they are bad decisions, but she wants to be liked and be part of the group! We’ve worked on some role-playing to help her feel comfortable saying no, but man, it’s hard. I am terrified of the tween and teen years! Thank you for this! We’ll keep working.
Jen – one of my kids made some bad choices of friends when she was in elementary school. Looking back on the years of trouble, I wish I had done whatever it took to end those childhood friendships. Had I realized, I would have changed schools, jobs or even cities.
At 7, you can still fix things. At 14, she will run away from home to be with the bad friends, if those are the only friends she has.
I don’t mean to scare you, but I encourage everyone: know your child’s friends. Know your child’s friends’ parents.
I do think that children should have diverse friends, with different backgrounds, etc. I am not saying that your child needs a set of “perfect friends.”
But as my daughter grew up, there were fewer and fewer “good” girls in her circle of friends – they went a different path. My daughter and her peers had more and more problems.
So help your daughter find and keep friends that will stand by her as she does the right thing.
Those are some beautiful lifesavers, Glennon. I plan to copy all of them with my tween, who has a great vocabulary, but seems to need help using his words. And he is still young enough to want some help finding them.
I have three teens and every time they walk out the door I hold my breath. I love all your “plans” I also tell my kids to blame it on me every time–My mom smells my breath when I get home, my mom is totally crazy and inspects my clothes, etc. Get ready they are tough years, but also great years! Realistically Id like to tell my kids not to go to parties where there is alcohol but I know they do so we just keep talking and waiting up and talking and waiting up. I told my oldest, “My number one job is to keep you alive until you are smart enough to do it yourself” The other one I love is my wise mother’s ” I love you too much to trust you right now” Sorry for the rant but it was so great to hear you talk about teens–its my world right now!
I will be incorporating those phrases into my life right now! Thanks. 🙂
I love “My #1 job is to keep you alive until you are smart enough to do it yourself!” Totally stealing it.
Love this parenting! Similarly, my parenting mantra for my 3 girls has always been, “Safe First…Happy Second…Loved Always”.
I honestly believe God has spoken through you, Glennon! You have connected such a simple string of concepts that now appeare so, “duh!!!”, however I’m quite sure no other living soul has EVER expressed them so clearly before! These words will save lives, build bridges and are surely straight from Heaven above. Namaste!