A few weeks ago, I went into Chase’s class for tutoring.
I’d emailed Chase’s teacher one evening and said, “Chase keeps telling me that this stuff you’re sending home is math – but I’m not sure I believe him. Help, please.” She emailed right back and said, “No problem! I can tutor Chase after school anytime.” And I said, “No, not him. Me. He gets it. Help me.” And that’s how I ended up standing at a chalkboard in an empty fifth grade classroom staring at rows of shapes that Chase’s teacher kept referring to as “numbers.”
I stood a little shakily at the chalkboard while Chase’s teacher sat behind me, perched on her desk, using a soothing voice to try to help me understand the “new way we teach long division.” Luckily for me, I didn’t have to unlearn much because I never really understood the “old way we taught long division.” It took me a solid hour to complete one problem, but l could tell that Chase’s teacher liked me anyway. She used to work with NASA, so obviously we have a whole lot in common.
Afterwards, we sat for a few minutes and talked about teaching children and what a sacred trust and responsibility it is. We agreed that subjects like math and reading are the least important things that are learned in a classroom. We talked about shaping little hearts to become contributors to a larger community – and we discussed our mutual dream that those communities might be made up of individuals who are Kind and Brave above all.
And then she told me this.
Every Friday afternoon Chase’s teacher asks her students to take out a piece of paper and write down the names of four children with whom they’d like to sit the following week. The children know that these requests may or may not be honored. She also asks the students to nominate one student whom they believe has been an exceptional classroom citizen that week. All ballots are privately submitted to her.
And every single Friday afternoon, after the students go home, Chase’s teacher takes out those slips of paper, places them in front of her and studies them. She looks for patterns.
Who is not getting requested by anyone else?
Who doesn’t even know who to request?
Who never gets noticed enough to be nominated?
Who had a million friends last week and none this week?
You see, Chase’s teacher is not looking for a new seating chart or “exceptional citizens.” Chase’s teacher is looking for lonely children. She’s looking for children who are struggling to connect with other children. She’s identifying the little ones who are falling through the cracks of the class’s social life. She is discovering whose gifts are going unnoticed by their peers. And she’s pinning down- right away- who’s being bullied and who is doing the bullying.
As a teacher, parent, and lover of all children – I think that this is the most brilliant Love Ninja strategy I have ever encountered. It’s like taking an X-ray of a classroom to see beneath the surface of things and into the hearts of students. It is like mining for gold – the gold being those little ones who need a little help – who need adults to step in and TEACH them how to make friends, how to ask others to play, how to join a group, or how to share their gifts with others. And it’s a bully deterrent because every teacher knows that bullying usually happens outside of her eyeshot – and that often kids being bullied are too intimidated to share. But as she said – the truth comes out on those safe, private, little sheets of paper.
As Chase’s teacher explained this simple, ingenious idea – I stared at her with my mouth hanging open. “How long have you been using this system?” I said.
Ever since Columbine, she said. Every single Friday afternoon since Columbine.
Good Lord.
This brilliant woman watched Columbine knowing that ALL VIOLENCE BEGINS WITH DISCONNECTION. All outward violence begins as inner loneliness. She watched that tragedy KNOWING that children who aren’t being noticed will eventually resort to being noticed by any means necessary.
And so she decided to start fighting violence early and often, and with the world within her reach. What Chase’s teacher is doing when she sits in her empty classroom studying those lists written with shaky 11 year old hands – is SAVING LIVES. I am convinced of it. She is saving lives.
And what this mathematician has learned while using this system is something she really already knew: that everything – even love, even belonging – has a pattern to it. And she finds those patterns through those lists – she breaks the codes of disconnection. And then she gets lonely kids the help they need. It’s math to her. It’s MATH.
All is love- even math. Amazing.
Chase’s teacher retires this year – after decades of saving lives. What a way to spend a life: looking for patterns of love and loneliness. Stepping in, every single day- and altering the trajectory of our world. 
TEACH ON, WARRIORS. You are the first responders, the front line, the disconnection detectives, and the best and ONLY hope we’ve got for a better world. What you do in those classrooms when no one is watching- it’s our best hope.
Teachers- you’ve got a million parents behind you whispering together: “We don’t care about the damn standardized tests. We only care that you teach our children to be Brave and Kind. And we thank you. We thank you for saving lives.”
Love – All of Us
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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1,994 Comments
This is a very good article about how teachers should be responding to all the students–they used to do this when I was in school. Our elementary teachers were great–they went to the students’ homes on a monthly basis and talked with the parents. However, I must wonder—what if they never understand the math and reading because they are more interested in becoming well liked and in liking everyone else? What kind of jobs will they get? If they don’t understand math and reading in elementary school, they will never go to college, become doctors, lawyers, bankers, nurses or teachers. The US will become a nation of manual laborers except for the students that study abroad—and that defeats the purpose of this wonderful lady’s insightful way of reaching potentially troubled students. There MUST be a balance, both at school and at home, of learning the 3Rs, and learning to live in society with a calm, cool, collected head on their shoulders.
This is beautiful. The story says that the teacher identifies the lonely kids and gets them help. I can identify the lonely kids but I’m not sure what to do next.
I read this all the way through and I get it. Smart, caring, teachers that want to can help children become useful human beings that can coexist without violence and I applaud that. Im not sure I agree about math and reading not being as important and I disagree with the new common core math completely.
Having drawn some conclusions that are formed directly from statements made in the article I would offer you this logic to consider:
Uncaring parents and unconcerned teachers breed bad kids, caring parents and uncaring teachers breed uncaring kids needing attention, bad parents and caring teachers breed trouble for the teacher, caring parents and caring teachers is the best solution. Dont dump your troubled kid on the teacher and conversely don’t settle for a teacher that doesn’t take your kids to heart. Find a school that does or home school them. Common core is creating teachers that haven’t time for your kids well-being like this one. They gotta keep those grades up any way they can and so that means less time with your smart kid that wants to learn and more time with the less that equal kids that the parents don’t help with their homework and dump back on the teacher as the problem.
When I went to school we learned math just fine the old way. 7+7 equals 14 , not 7+3+4 = 10+4=14 just because 10’s are easier to add. Don’t accept shortcuts for your kids because they won’t get any in the real world.
I also concluded from this article that teachers that don’t care about the kids are what caused Columbine shooting and subsequently concluded that most likely was the cause of the other gun violence seen at schools as well.
So teach your kids that there are no bad guns, just bad people holding them that had uncaring teachers and most likely parents, too. After all, where does a 12 year old get a gun from every time? The parents that don’t care enough to teach them right from wrong, not the teacher.
Just like the one in this article, teachers (and parents) just need to learn how to teach humanity again any way that works best for them, and do it daily. Thats the only thing they need in “common”…
“Common core is creating teachers that haven’t time for your kids well-being like this one. They gotta keep those grades up any way they can and so that means less time with your smart kid that wants to learn and more time with the less that equal kids that the parents don’t help with their homework and dump back on the teacher as the problem.”
It isn’t just Common Core that is weighing teachers down. Teachers are burdened with a series of ridiculous hoops, all set in place by “well-meaning” legislators, educational activists, and parents. As a teacher, I find myself spending much of my time filling out paperwork that proves that I am doing my job. I’d much rather just be, well… doing my job!
The Common Core is merely a new set of standards. Standards have existed within the United States since the 70’s. The major difference between the old standards and the Common Core is the heightened expectations. We are asking much, much more of our students across the board! Teachers are definitely having to work their little buns off to teach these new learning targets and to to make sure that their students are keeping pace, but the Common Core is not forcing teachers to ignore the high performing or gifted students in order to tend to struggling children with little to no support at home. This has ALWAYS been a struggle within the classrooms nationwide.
Teachers do their best to tend to the 25+ personalities and capabilities within their classroom. We are asked to “differentiate,” to provide a unique education to each and every student based upon their specific needs, strengths, and interests. For an elementary school teacher, teaching reading, writing, math, science, and social studies, it means planning 125+ different lessons each day (five subjects multiplied by 25 students). You could also include grammar, spelling, handwriting, vocabulary study, reading fluency, arts, and social skills. In the most radical scenario, that means teachers are preparing 300+ lessons (12 subjects multiplied by 25 students). Now, consider that many classrooms have more than 25 students!
On top of all that planning, we have to tend to all of our regular duties (grading papers, attending meetings, continuing out own education, etc.). And now our wonderful legislators are telling us that we need to prove that we are working our buns off through paperwork heavy evaluation systems. I have never spent so much time proving my worth to someone! Apparently, what I already do means nothing. If the legislators want to know if I am doing my job, I welcome them to visit my classroom! Or, even my home after work! They can watch me grade papers and plan lessons through dinner.
Thank you for sharing this! What an incredibly inspiring story! I hope and pray everyday that my students feel safe and loved in my classroom. I’m starting this next week with my kids!
Thank you, thank you for your kind words…..as an elementary teacher who has spent so many hours of going over multiplication, long division, fractions and everything else math……..all while thinking if they can just not feel as scared and confused as I did when I was in math class- that’s what motivates me on a daily basis to give them a pat on the back, a squeeze on the shoulder, a high five when they get even just a piece of it all. That’s what matters to my fourth graders- to be able to feel at least okay, if not great, to feel like they at least fit into class (if not feeling like they’re a rock star at something). I teach in Colorado, not far from Columbine and just a little farther from Arapahoe. I am a success if I can send my kids along feeling like it’s a good thing for the world if they can be themselves and contribute the good they have in them.
Can we get a little more detail as to what she does with the ballots and the information she collects? Have there been any issues she’s been able to resolve or does the mere collection of the information stave the issues off? What does she do for the “exceptional citizens?”
Thanks!
I wonder the same thing.
It would be nice if you shared WHAT it was that she did with these lists and how she made the other children help the lonely children. It was a nice story but had no solution – it didnt offer an explanation of what she did with the lists…the most important thing we needed was left out of your story?? Can you share what it was she did to stop/help the lonely kids please???
Use your intuition. What sort of questions on a ballad would inform you of these things? The solution IS in the initial post. Unless we don’t want to use our own intuition and ideas.
I agree, Joy.
Oh I so agree!
I’m sure each individual situation had to be dealt with in a unique manner, since each situation is obviously unique. Listing these conflicts should be considered has a broad spectrum, not checklist and criteria. There is probably no “system” other than kindness and positive reinforcement. But, I could be wrong!
You are exactly right Nicole. There is no “system.” As I wrote in my comment below, even kids who are identified (by parents, therapists, teachers, administrators) as being lonely and isolated, do not always receive services. If a kid is able to access the curriculum (i.e. get good grades and behave properly) then there is nothing the school HAS to do to help them socially fit in. Often they can’t afford to do anything. It’s great that this teacher has chosen to support them herself, but sadly, it probably isn’t enough. Kids with serious social development delays need constant, consistent support. Never mind the fact that most teachers probably don’t have the time, energy or even know-how to give that support. It would be great if “each individual situation” were dealt with “in a unique manner.” That is very, very rarely the case. People are reading this article as if it is an answer to the problem. All it did for me was so how big and out of control the problem actually is.
“All it did for me was ‘show’ how big and out of control the problem actually is.”
I’d like to know this teacher’s practical application…what does she with with the information? How does she help the students?
Me too.
I have taught elem. children for about 34 years. Some of them come to my class needing a hug or an ear to listen more than anything else. The teacher in this story had it exactly right. You can teach all day but unless they know you care many won’t.
As a teacher, (albeit, not teaching in a classroom setting,staying at home with my kiddos for a stretch), I love this article! I love that strategy! I think I will use it if/when I go back to the classroom myself.
But, I am just dying of curiosity to know what the “new long division” method is?!?!!?
That’s all I could focus on. (giggle) I know it wasn’t the point of your story. 🙂
something about actually understanding how numbers divide, instead of just memorizing math rules. insanity! kids these days!
🙂
Love!
All I can say is I’m glad you are not in the classroom these days because you are right, the focus is NOT the new long division. You obviously have NO idea what we deal with in the classroom these days. This woman LOVES and CARES for her students and they will feel this .
Lau-Re-read Rachel’s comment. You grossly misunderstood it. She gets the “focus.” Unbelievable.
How can you be so rude and cruel in response to an article about love and caring? This woman didn’t say “screw all that kindness and caring, tell me about the math!” She said that she liked the idea, would use it when she taught, and then was curious about the other part of the article, where the author mentioned long division. Don’t be a jerk.
I love your response, Julie!!! I typed and retyped and erased and cursed!!! I couldn’t have said this better myself!!!!!!! Rude and Cruel and Ignorance is what I have to offer! Love and Caring, not Long Division is the who purpose to this article!!! God Forgives Ignorance and You can’t fix STUPID!!!! sorry, I got carried away!
Lau, your response was neither brave nor kind. Perhaps you should read it again.
@Lau, I too say you need to re-read Rachel’s post. You obviously did not understand what she said at all. Makes me wonder how you grade your papers.?.? We all get the focus here.
If more teachers were like her…I think they would learn more,learn to communicate with other children, not feel left out and alone if they don’t understand the problem……I JUST THINK MANT TEACHES SHOULD FOLLOW WHAT SHE DOES AND PUT IN THERE CLASS ROOMS……GREAT JOB …I REPECT YOU VERY MUCH,AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE DOING ….KEEP UP THE GREAT WAY OF TEACHING
I’m in! I think this is an excellent idea. School starts this week and I’m going to employ this on a Friday and see what I can see. I use a book called “Friendly Kids, Friendly Classrooms,” and I can highly recommend it. It has similar tools but you do them less often.
Good on you, Maggie. I shared your link about kids emotions going back to school. Would it be okay to print it and add it to my first day note? With references and links to you, of course?
Kind regards,
Jude
Children need to have a sense of trust. They need to feel safe secure and loved. They need to feel like they belong, and are important to the people in their lives. When these are part of a child’s life from birth, they are equipped to learn the other skills needed to be successful in life. These are the things all people young and old must have in order to become positive and productive individuals. I am an Early Head Start teacher. My first responsibility to these children is to develop a loving and nurturing relationship. When this bond has been established children naturally want to learn. They feel safe in knowing that they will be accepted at all times even during difficult times. A child, as with all people will thrive and grow when these needs are met.
I taught high school and middle school for 43 years and the same comments apply. Feelings of trust and support continue to be essential and creating a supportive classroom and supportive relationships remain key to what we can do as teachers.
Hi G,
Just thought I’s let you know….I hadn’t even shared this article (yet) just “liked” it and it’s been shared 4 times from my page and then shared from those friend’s pages another 6 times…can only imagine it will be multiplied!
The truth loves to be told. Thank you, Glennon, for sharing this.
Very, very powerful.
this really made me upset reading the story. I celebrated my son’s victories and supported him money out come was not favorable. I know it took was one person to turn him against me, to disconnect from me. he told me how thankful he was for all the support that I gave him, and then 2 weeks later decided he couldn’t stand me and wanted nothing to do with me over a girlfriend. so now he’s living with her in internal loneliness and not even allowed to speak to me but if he does it all out of hatred
Don’t feel so bad. Stop worrying about whether or not your kids like you and start worrying about being a parent. They won’t always like you, but they will always be grateful you gave them the truth. Maybe he’ll hate you now, but so it goes with raising kids.
All things pass. Continue to hold love in you heart and he will find his way back to you.
This is not true, as much as we might wish it to be. Sometimes kids just don’t ever come back. It is beyond our control even with love in our hearts.
I rarely comment on the internet – but after seeing this disturbing post that in no way shape or form has anything to do with the article – I felt I must. Why did you comment this? There was no point and it took away from the positive point of the article that some of us were trying to enjoy. From it, it shows your own self-pity and attempts at guilt tripping strangers who don’t even know you into feeling sad for you based on a bare-bones, uninformative description of how feel about your son’s behaviors. Maybe there is a reason your son doesn’t talk to you, and maybe it is you. It is likely you suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder just from reading your ‘woe is me’ commentary. A real mother would never throw her son under the bus like this, but would attempt to understand him, reach out to him, make a connection, or repair a connection at any cost. Adult sons don’t just up and turn against their mothers for no reason, especially not a girlfriend. Maybe after some actual soul-searching, true self-reflection and analysis, you should actually reach out to your son, don’t blame everybody but yourself. It is possible he tried to reach out to you, show you his feelings and desires, but felt you minimized and/or ignored them, and felt you hurt him. If you cared, try to reach out, and at any cost, make amends. Don’t sit around trolling the internet, feeling sorry for yourself and posting in comments on articles not even related to things.
Personally, as someone who has had to watch my mother actually turn against me because of the wife I chose, this comment enrages me. I had never had a girlfriend, finally got one I loved, and tried to include my mother and get her to be happy for me, but my mother refused. My wife has diligently tried to do anything to connect and be friends with my mother. Hand made the woman gifts, reached out, did anything to be accepted, and my mother refused to even speak to her or eat dinner with her. She refused to come to my wedding despite being invited to it, and to this day, tells all my family she was ‘not invited’ in efforts to turn them all against me.
What I found the most ridiculous of this post is saying ‘now he’s living with her in eternal loneliness’ – well, my whole life I was lonely, and I suffered from depression. I turned to drinking, drug use, and more – all took place under the roof of mother’s house, which she saw, knew of, and just let me do it. Any actual parent would see this as inappropriate and a cry for help, they would see I did these things to numb the sadness and loneliness I felt. I had no true friends, never had a girlfriend, my own ‘brother’ would barely talk to me my entire life or be like a normal sibling – all my ‘friends’ had siblings who treated were actually their friends, had girlfriends, had basic human connections. I told my mother constantly, and i thought I had a decent relationship with her, and thought she cared. But she didn’t. All it took was getting one girlfriend – and her true colors all came out. She did nothing but try to sabotage the relationship with my girlfriend, turned fiancé, and now wife. All I can do to keep my sanity is stay as far away from her as possible because anytime I try to talk to her, and reach out (SHE NEVER HAS – I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING), she acts like a child, is ridiculous, selfist, does not respect my wishes or boundaries, is just pure evil (of course, underhandedly) to my wife, and more. So to think your son is living in ”internal loneliness’ is hilarious. He i slicing with a woman he likely loves, gets him, connects with on a level that clearly brings him joy. Be happy for him, a normal parent would be. Don’t sit around saying ‘because he doesn’t have me, he will be eternally lonely’ – because guess what?! Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like he has made a personal human connection with someone who he loves and cares about deeply. And, guess what, the article was about that… how a teacher saw young children lacking to find human connections, and tried to help them. Maybe you should try that instead of feeling sorry for yourself, and being so full of yourself to think you son is ‘eternally alone’ even though he is in a relationship with another person that is sounds like he loves and enjoys.
As I say – giving birth and providing the bare necessities to a child required to avoid DSS being called does NOT make you a mother. Providing unconditional love, protection, support and guidance to a child is what earns you that status. Sounds like you never even qualified for the title …
“From it, it shows your own self-pity and attempts at guilt tripping strangers who don’t even know you into feeling sad for you”
Kind of sounds like you are going the same thing you accuse her of and that you are taking out your “mommy issues” on this person.
The article is about having compassion and reaching out to those who need our support, whether or not they are directly asking for our help. Let’s be inspired! 🙂
agreed. on both counts. because moms have issues. as do sons, clearly.
“To err is human. To forgive, divine”
And there is NOTHING you will ever do that is more difficult…or more worth it!
Wow. Thank you for that… you and people like you replier are some of the reason i spent so much of my life never talking to people because they are pretty hurtful. Nothing i said was self seeking, and you have no idea of my experiences. My wife and i have both sought counseling from trained professions, weekly counseling from our pastor, marriage counseling, anything to deal with the wrath of my mother not always getting her way. I wouldnt doubt she posted this comment, sounds like her, with the hurtful follow up easily could have been my brother. Hence, why i posted my feelings, as i could relate, and say… hey, if you want to talk to yourthe son, do whatever it takes. Dont blame his girlfriend, reach out and ask what you could have done and what is you can do to have ato relationship. The original author indicated she did nothing ofi the sort, just assigned blame. i did not try to insult the original author, but suggest you look at yourself. You cant change others, and can only control yourself. My mother likes to think and blame my wife, who she has never even had a conversation with, for me no longer coming around, but it is in her. Through actually seeking help, as i try to actually get help for my issues, i learned of her psychological abuse my whole life.. yes the list is enough to write a book, and if that gives me ‘mommy issues’ as you hurtfully insult, fine. The difference between my mother, the original author and me is i admit my flaws and faults, and try to get help in life, and find happiness. I dont blame my mother or anyone for anything i do. I just dont have to be around people who hurt me or the people i love. I never realized i deserved love before i had my wife. My mother’s love was conditonal, she tried too teach me to hate my father, who was her husband mind you,as she facaded we were a normal happy family. Maybe if i had someone like this teacher, noticing i had trouble talking to othersooor making friends, it wouldnt have been so hard with a little help. But psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, and is what causes kids and adults alike to snap, as the author pointed out, by reference to the teachers reference to columbine. Mocking the psychologically fragile is pretty evil though, replier. It is what causes people to feel so terrible that they do terrible things. Maybe if you offered an experience or somehow you were hurt, put yourself out there, being vunerable, telling others of something, i would apppreciate something from your comment, but you offer no suggestions, mention no life experience similar, just insult. So, maybe you should try learning from this article and stop being a bully. It is what causes people to hate the world and lose faith in mankind. Offer solutions, not cause more pain.
I’m sorry you had such a difficult childhood/early adulthood and am glad that you found happiness. Your wife sounds lovely and I hope your mother can see that some day. I hope you can find some kind of resolution with your mother someday. Life is short.
“When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal.”–Princess Diana
sometimes comments get stuck in random places by the host — don’t bash the commentator for what could have been beyond their control. and if they did comment here on purpose, they’re obviously in pain, why would you jump all over them when they’re already down, or do you get off on bullying people when they’re hurt?
People who didn’t grow up with a narcissistic parent may not get this or where you’re coming from. You may get a lot of flack for it, but honestlly, I had the same reaction as you, just didn’t see a point in saying it – as the child of a damaged narcissist, I constantly weigh a person’s ability to hear vs how much time and energy I have to attempt these things.
Someone who reads an article about love, support and encouragement, and finds a way to be saddened by it, makes it about how they’ve been wronged by the evil girlfriend… these days I just find those things sad, but don’t feel my words would every change their view.
Sometimes we just need to speak out – I’m saying this because I think you may get flack, and I wanted to say you’d been heard.
Ditto.
If they don’t have any experience with NPD-types, others aren’t going to get his response. But coming from an intimate relationship with one- he’s nailed it. That sort of comment is classic NPD.
Thank you for the kind words to you repliers. At first, I only saw negative comments, and yes, it is hard to explain to people who have never dealt with anyone with NDP. I honestly do not tell anyone about anything, never did – mainly because I know people are cruel, I see it, and they think I want pity or feel sorry for myself. I don’t feel sorry myself, don’t want anyone else to feel sorry for me, and if I portrayed that, I did not mean to do that. I thought it was clear by telling the commenter to NOT feel sorry for herself, as that doesn’t help. Actually reaching out is what will help, not assigning blame. I can tell you I would not turn my back on a loved one just because someone else I cared for told me to so, and I believe most rational adults would say the same – so if someone does not want to come around you, just blaming it on someone else doesn’t make it so. I personally did not mean to take away from the article, and I am aware my comments are not about the article – were only aimed at the initial comment. It just hit home when a mother remarked how this article made them sad because their son doesn’t talk to them – which really had nothing to do with anything, but reminded me of my mother, and she can turn any conversation into how someone did her wrong, tell you who to blame, and if you don’t jump on board, you’re an enemy, too (all classic signs of NPD).
I truly think it is a great article that points out how one person is trying to make the world a better place for others who feel unnoticed, or have a hard time finding their place in the world. I felt like that most of my life. I truly appreciate the positive comments in ways you will probably never understand. Seems kind of sad to think just a kind internet comment from a stranger can help, but it does, and I truly used to feel alone, afraid to reach out until I found my wife. People thought I was shy – I wasn’t just didn’t want to contribute an opinion, and have even more people disagree, attack me, or minimize my feelings or thoughts, as was always the case in my home.
As to people who think I am sad – I’m not. When I said, this is the first time in my life I do not feel alone, do not feel sad, I mean that. I am happy. I would love to have a normal mother, normal family, and if they wanted to be apart of my life, I would welcome it. But I refuse to let someone hurt me or my wifeI get up everyday, for no reason other than I won’t do exactly everything the say. As people familiar with NPD know, you can do everything to win the NDP person’s love, and when you think you did everything, there is always more – it is always conditional on something. All I know is I’m happy, and I don’t feel bad or sorry of myself nor want anyone to either. No one even in my personal life other than my wife knows anything – so I have both death with this in silence, other than from talking to counselors, our pastor, and more for guidance. I truly appreciate any positive kindness and words from you. God has put us all here for a reason, and some days that reason is to provide understanding and kindness to another, so thank you for that today. Truly, can’t say how much it means, especially in a world that can be filled with many bad things, cruelness, and hurt sometimes.
You are a very strange person. You have come up with an entire psychoanalytical profile of this person based on some (admittedly) stupid comments. But you go on to show your lack of understanding of the article (which you are claiming to champion) by giving us ANOTHER woe-is-me scenario. Looks like you have some very deep seated issues to deal with. I, too, feel I’ve been dealt a bad hand when I think of my parents so I don’t think about it. My life and history is whatever it was, I just wake up each day looking towards the future. I make my life what I want it to be and don’t worry about others who don’t approve, whoever they are. Wake up and take responsibility for your own life. No one owes you anything, you’re an adult now.
Pray for your son. Pray hard and consistently. Maybe talk to your pastor and if you don’t have a pastor then just talk to a trusted friend. Any pastor who is Bible believing will know how to help you and can listen. Maybe he could intervine with your son on your behalf. Please don’t give up on your son. God can change many situations that have been hopeless before.
Children learn the most from someone that values them, from someone that takes the time to connect and bond with them. My three girls always tell me about the teacher that was nice before they tell me about what they are learning. I am a substitute teacher and when I ask high school students why they prefer or like or request a specific teacher it is because that teacher is kind and cares about them. You can not teach much math or science if the children know you do not care about them.
Right you are Amanda.
TOTALLY agree. They can see right through BS!
I have a problem when she says, “We agreed that subjects like math and reading are the least important things that are learned in a classroom.” I have heard this more and more recently and it upsets me! I would say that subjects like math and reading are not the ONLY important things that are learned in a classroom, but to say they “are the least important” makes me worried about what is being seen as “important”. Aren’t they both important, not one more than the other?
Yes, PLEASE TEACH THEM ACTUAL MATH SKILLS TOO! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE! As a manager in a factory, it disappoints me to get people who are essentially good workers but cannot do basic arithmetic, or use a 4 function calculator and then have to let them go. So, no, Math and Reading are not the least important things you’re teaching, and it also greatly disappointed me to read this sentence too.
I’m sorry Cheryl but it looks like you missed the point of the whole story. She was not saying that math and reading are not important (she is a math teacher after all). What she is saying is that there are more important things that the kids can learn in the classroom besides actual school subjects that will last a lifetime with them. Like learning to connection, learning not to be intimidated, learning not to bully. 5th grade is one of the hardest levels in school when it comes to bullying.
You are on the right track BUT The MOST important thing a MATH teacher should my children is MATH, etc, etc. It’s the my job as a parent to shape the “little hearts” and I would prefer that the teachers don’t contradict my teachings. I don’t needs some godless, secular, liberal teaching my kids anything but the subject matter in the text book. Leave the teaching of “values” to those of us that actually have some!!!
We would, if kids actually came to school with basic manners and values, which they don’t. I’d say about 20% of my students get that at home. Unfortunately, we spend more time teaching them how to behave in a classroom than teaching the subjects!
…and the reason they don’t come to school with manners is because they are being taught at home not to respect teachers, much like “Lincoln”.
Bingo
The more we judge the students and their families, the less we are able to make a difference for them. You have to believe that in the time they are with you, which is extremely significant, that you can provide them the manners, social skills, compassion, and empathy teaching that will change their lives. Otherwise, it might not be the place for you.
Sandy, that is so true. I am an EA in High School. I am supposed to assist students with special needs in the class room. Instead I am pretty much ‘crowd control’ in the class rooms. Like you said I would encounter about 20% of students who have any manners. The bullying is out of control and the kids have no respect for themselves or others. Instead if helping students I am dealing with constant fights between kids and being sworn at. I still love my job and there are a lot of kids where school is their safety net and they don’t want to go home. I wouldn’t do any other job. Keep up the caring and love cause some of these kids don’t get any at home.
I thought this was a lovely story. And I certainly respect differences of opinion. But my goodness — for you to glean from this that the teacher has no “values” and contradicts your teachings — well, it makes me envision quite an angry parent standing over his child with a whip insisting he/she learn that math and no back talk. Why are you so angry?
Lincoln, you’re an idiot. I’m glad you’ve figured out just who everyone is.
The values that you teach your child are APPLIED at school, and if you don’t think that students learn values from every person they interact with, especially someone with whom they’re connected for more hours in a day than you, you are in denial. You are also spreading the values that bullying should be encouraged and tolerated; after all, your comments are specifically degrading this loving teacher (bullying). If you had only had a teacher like her, perhaps you wouldn’t be a judgmental bully today, and someone who is compassionate and caring.
Goodness, from the tone of this comment I would have to say God help the world from your kind of values.
Lincoln – your post shows that you were sadly in need of a teacher like this, and sadly now you are visiting your “values” on the next generation.
Why do you insinuate that teachers and or liberals (as you stated in your post) don’t have values? That in and of itself seems to be contradictory to the golden rule- the rule for values to be measured by. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you! I doubt you want anyone making such disparaging remarks about you. I am a teacher, and a democrat/liberal. I have very high moral values that I live by and teach my daughter and students. Your remarks are insulting and reflect back on you. It’s a shame that this is what you are “teaching” your children!
RIGHT ON, Lincoln!!!
AND, we need to reinforce values in the schools…. the problem is WHO determines those & HOW they are emphasized?? There are SO MANY agendas at play in our schools these days. We need children to feel secure & happy within the learning environment, AND we need the teachers to be supported in making LEARNING Language Arts/Math/Science/History/ETC. an actual priority. In my view The Common Core does not accomplish this appropriately!
Lincoln, I feel sorry for your children. You are a teacher of hate, not values.
I don’t needs some godless, secular, liberal teaching my kids anything but the subject matter in the text book. Leave the teaching of “values” to those of us that actually have some!!!
Because it’s just plainly obvious that the teacher in this story has zero values. None. Zip. (Seriously?)
And nothing in this story identifies her as a “godless, secular liberal.” Since you inferred that even though it wasn’t there, methinks you watch Fox news a bit too much.
The myth that 1.) public schools are all bastions of “godless liberal thought” (oh, the horror!) and 2.) this is something to be feared and avoided at all costs, is one perpetrated by the Religious Right. It is not a fact. And if it was, why would you have your precious children in a public school? If you are so worried that they will be indoctrinated by godless liberals, there are other schools that might suit your narrow mindset better (though they will not necessarily get a better education, despite what you may think).
If your faith is so shaky that your child’s attendance at a public school, where students are perfectly free to carry bibles and pray all they like– despite what your pastor tells you–threatens it, maybe you should examine your faith.
I do agree that values should be taught at home first, though as others have pointed out, may parents fall down on that job, so the school takes up the slack.
“I don’t needs some godless, secular, liberal teaching my kids anything but the subject matter in the text book. Leave the teaching of “values” to those of us that actually have some!!!”
I don’t needs????
Perhaps Lincoln may need a little grammar instruction with his math.
“I don’t needs some godless, secular, liberal teaching my kids anything but the subject matter in the text book.”
I don’t needs??? Lincoln – perhaps you do need an English teacher to help you with your grammar. If you are going to rant and rave online about teachers, please have enough self dignity to use correct grammar and not embarrass yourself.
Lincoln, Really? You need to ask you heroes such as Glenn Beck, that ilk how you get to these kids before they are emotionally damaged and pull a Columbine or a Sandy Hook. Social interaction is as important as educational skills.
I don’t believe you really think the same way you replied. I think you just wanted a rise and I guess you got it.
That’s not the message in this story. The message is that there is SO MUCH MORE in this world that is important.
You’re taking that too literally.
Cheryl, I couldn’t agree with you more. It is all important. Without making connections with children, it is difficult to teach subjects like reading and math, but that certainly does not lessen their importance.
I think you are missing the whole point. They aren’t saying these things are unimportant, what they are saying is that there is a whole lot more to it then just these simple subject kids are being taught. Teaching children how to work together and have empathy, amongst other things, carry far much more weight throughout the rest of their lives. This article is wonderful and thought provoking and it’s sad to see that your first reaction is a negative one. Having a teacher who is really looking out for the best interest of the kids that come through her classroom is few and far between and should be commended.
I think you have missed the point of the story.
I loved the article AND (not, “but”) I agree that “the least important” would not have been my choice of words, nor do I hope that teachers feel academics are any less important than looking out for the emotional well-being of any child. Equally true, I do hope that teachers, to the best of their ability, do participate in relational learning and intervention in the lives of their students.
Well said Mary! As the new kid in the room 9 out of 12 grades, I have experienced falling through the cracks often! God bless this teacher not only for teaching her kids math, but for loving them enough to take the extra time and effort to care for their well-being as well. Kudos to Chase’s teacher!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. All teachers should be required to learn and practice this. Disconnection is at the heart of most problems, in children and adults! Thank you to this wonderful teacher who has, no doubt, saved many lives!!!
Wonderful post. Thank you for this. A great example of a wonderful teacher.
In your last paragraph you mentioned standing behind us and whispering. I want to encourage parents everywhere to do much more than whisper. It will take the parents speaking up to remove the handcuffs that have been placed on us called standardized testing. I am in this profession to help students be brave and kind but it keeps getting more and more difficult.
Yes! Absolutely! Please parents, speak up about this at your school board meetings! We teachers are being pitted against each other and pitted against our children. I dont want to place value on my students based only on their ability to pass “the test” and thereby, save me from being reprimanded or even fired!
Agree completely! Standardized tests do not build or reflect actual standards. They may be easy in some senses for those without pedagogical understanding to use to make decisions which are not appropriate for them to make, though.
On another note, I hope I don’t get accused of wanton liberalism or narcissism because of writing this response. This thread appears to be turning ironically ugly.
Er… So…. Where/what is the math?
the patterns is the math… when she is trying to find the patterns from week to week which kid/kids are always either left out or included. patterns are a part of math.
I get this isn’t the main idea of this article, but how do you do long division with shapes?
‘I’d emailed Chase’s teacher one evening and said, “Chase keeps telling me that this stuff you’re sending home is math – but I’m not sure I believe him. Help, please.” She emailed right back and said, “No problem! I can tutor Chase after school anytime.” And I said, “No, not him. Me. He gets it. Help me.” And that’s how I ended up standing at a chalkboard in an empty fifth grade classroom staring at rows of shapes that Chase’s teacher kept referring to as “numbers.” –
Algebra is introduced and taught in 5th grade, I’m assuming that is what’s being referred to. x, y, square root, pi, etc.
Yeah I kind of wondered that too. How do you teach long division without numbers? Is this why we’re falling behind academically? Square divided by triangle = circle? What?
I think she meant that humorously, not literally. The teacher is showing her numbers, but she’s so overwhelmed it just looks like gibberish to her
It is probably referring to common core…. In an effort to teach kids the why behind math, most math is taught very different. They use shapes to show grouping and division.
Being a teacher I am too busy to read all of these comments so if I repeat somone elses thoughts I appologise. This is the kind of thing all teachers stive to do. Something that can genuinely help young people to develope into healthy, happy, kind safe, and brave members of society. We are currently navigating so many “inintiatives” that frankly obstruct our ability to do what we love and are called to do, teach. Sometimes it feels like all these extrainous must be designed to keep us from focusing on our students and our teaching, or spending time improving our teaching.
To the author; Thank you for the kind thoughts and consideration. I wish all parents could experience what we do.
I hope you don’t teach spelling!!!
GG, perhaps you are new here and aren’t aware of the fact that Glennon asks everyone to be respectful of one another. 🙂 Perhaps he was tired and/or typing too quickly. This isn’t a place where people are welcome to jump all over people as they do on so many internet sites.
Josh, I think u hit the nail on the head. This positive comment is really all that is needed here. Too many people lose sight of why they wanted to teach in the first place but the ones that get through and make a difference one day/child at a time are there to remind us all what it’s for. Thank you! I’m not a teacher but instead, I re-teach some of these same lessons and social cues to seniors in a memory care community. My job is just as important. Not only do they still love to learn, but they teach me a life lesson every day that I am able to pass on to others, just as a teacher learns something from their students.
It would be so wonderful to learn the profound educational capacity demonstrated in the article.
It seems intimidating trying to navigate the extra obstacles, this from an outside perspective, listening to veteran teachers describe what they have experienced in public schools after leaving the system. Ignorance seems like bliss; who would want to enter the maze after learning about it from respected mentors? However, this has to be told, loudly (I doubt teachers would struggle to be kind in the process).
And I am dying to hear what the teacher did with what was learned. I work with adults, and they are facing the adult version, the loneliness and silence, the vindictive behavior and bullying from coworkers, now set into place, and I heard the voice of a person who was extraordinarily honest describing the type of courage I see in adult students who have come back to learn what they need and many who didn’t learn it the first time.
We face our own obstacles but have so much academic freedom compared to what public school refugees describe. I want to know what the teacher did. It isn’t about pushing an agenda but using a type of intelligence and cultural competence needed to further a cause in its best intent, learn from failures, and give well. It really does sometimes take just one person in a setting where those skills needed for a civilized society are forgotten in the curriculum. My person was Patricia O’Rourke, a middle school English teacher. I hope to give back and learn and share what is needed, so I am raising my hand and asking for the teacher to describe what she did.
And I have been triggered into anger by a stranger’s words but am trying not to do that any more. But calling someone a narcissist is a very specifically personal and horrible thing to say to someone. All people carry narcissistic traits, don’t they?
We have a son in kindergarten. We read and re-read “Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids”. It is a great visual for us and him on how to pour love into each other’s lives. Each week I am in the classroom, thanks to a wonderful teacher who is willing to open her classroom to the involvement of parents and grandparents, I think of filling those little one’s buckets. I pray that it is as easy to lift the spirits and meet the needs of these little ones in coming years as it is when they are 5 and 6. A hug, smile and a bit of attention can go so far.
The method this teacher used is called a Sociogram, utilized in the 60’s and 70’s, long before Columbine. As an elementary teacher, I always thought it was strange that we were infusing more and more bully education into our curriculum–but not focusing on character education. And with more bullying education came less recess and P E to practice playing with each other. But for the most part, the younger kids responded well. But definitely by middle school, I would observe alot of what we taught disappearing as the children became more independent. The haves hung around the haves. The have nots hung around the have nots. There was a Hispanic table at lunch, and African-American tables as kids started to gravitate to their own ethnic background. As the kids got older there were the jocks and nonjocks, the nice girls, and the “brat” girls. And it doesn’t stop there–in every adult job, even among teachers, there are the clicks–those who belong and those who don’t. And if you haven’t worked for a bully boss, one who tries to put you down every step of the way because she perceives you as a threat, then you haven’t experienced life. So I guess we can try to watch out for these kids, but frankly, it helps to learn to have a thick skin early on. Alot of these behaviors are learned at home–kids observing the bad attitudes of their parents. I’ve also noticed that church going families tend to stay tight well into the teen age years with polite kids–whereas kids who don’t even know what a church is had more problems. Just saying.
Quite the generalization there in regards to religion. I come from an incredibly close family of atheists. It has nothing to do with religion and everything to do with parenting and the current “education” system.
Thank you! My attention was held until the church part. People see what they want to see. No doubt there are a lot of tight knit church-going families. There are also a lot of dysfunctional church-going families, and happy atheist families, and unhappy atheist families, and so on and on with every religion and/or non-religion.
Hi while I agree with some of what you say. I don’t believe that you are qualified to make that statement. it has everything to do with a persons belief system. How do you know right from wrong? Who gives us that direction what is the source of it? You actually cant be an atheist without knowing what having a belief system is. People who strive to be nice gravitate to some sort of religion. A self serving stance will inevitably not bring about a wholesome and giving attitude though it is always possible by choice. there are great families everywhere and not so great families everywhere. regardless the statement above was an observation. I have been teaching many years have my own faith and certainly do not judge or frown upon others belief systems. but I do spread my religious beliefs it happens quite accidentally because it is who I am. spreading love and compassion and sometimes tough love and tough compassion. I don’t need to preach it. I think it does have something to do with a positive and serving belief system one thing that is totally lacking in schools is an opportunity to discover one. they are only selling one. consumerism and competition. Good Luck. and my positivity continue to bless yours and every other household’s family. The Art of Noticing is one of the greatest gifts and tools for instruction that a teacher could ever possess. coupled with good morals the world would be destined to be a better place.
*May positivity continue to bless…
Sorry, but your claims actually sound awfully self-serving…and not particularly positive. Indeed, the word I would have used is “judgmental”. Is that really how you meant to come across?
For someone claiming to be a teacher, I cringe to have you teach my children. Your grammar, sentance structure, punctuation, etc., is appalling. I didn’t know if you had run-on sentences on purpose or accidentally. I’m sorry to say it, but it had to be said.
As for the original post, I agree with most of what is said, except for reading and math being the least important subjects. Reading (and by consequence english and writing generally) is extremely important, in my opinion. The reason we have a new generation of bad spellers, adults who cannot read, and slang overtaking proper words, is (again, in my opinion) due to the downplaying of reading and writing in schools, it would seem because of the increase in computers and personal electronic devices. Unplug our children a little more in schools and teach them how to properly read, write, spell, etc, and they will be much better off in the future.
As for religion, I am quite a religious person (what religion doesn’t matter) and to generalize good families coming from religious houses and and bad families coming from non-religious families is absurd. Does it happen? Of course, but so does the opposite. I have seen dysfunctional families come from the most loving parents, and loving families come from parents that could care less about their children.
I have to say that I am very glad that my two children have wonderful teachers that care about them, and indeed, all the children in their classes, much like the teacher in the original post. Just don’t downplay one subject from others. They are all there for a reason, and they ALL mold and shape children in some way, hopefully for the better.
You are bashing someone else’s writing style and you spell sentence SENTANCE? I am glad YOU are NOT a teacher.
Irony = to criticize another’s grammar, punctuation, and the like with one sentence that does not have agreement between subject and predicate, and another sentence that misspells the word “sentence.”
I find that very rude to imply that atheists do not strive to be kind. I know some Atheists who are much kinder towards people of faith and it is none of your business to judge people on their faith or lack there of. God wants us to love and accept all people no matter race, gender, sexuality or faith.
This is a great blog post. I applaud this teacher. And I must respond to the comment a couple up…
Character is not the same thing as religion. Character ed at school, like religion, is one platform for teaching character…just like pre-screened cartoons, movies that you discuss, and living your life as a consistent, caring example to your children. My son learns more about compassion and inclusion when I show how I care for others as when he is told stories about people doing good. At the same time, my own vices and mistakes are readily apparent to him. So I must live the way I want him to. With or without the choice of religion. (At times in my life, I’ve chosen to be around good people, not just guilty people seeking the promise of eternal what-nots…at the same time, some of my church communities have actually PRACTICED what they preached)
Some of my son’s teachers (whom would have been drummed out of the Bible belt) were the most caring, compassionate people he’s met and were willing to volunteer their time and energy to causes in our community. THESE are great character role models!
And besides, I’d swear it was the girls from religious families that were always getting pregnant in their early teens where I grew up…even in my AP classes.
Agreed. Religion doesn’t play a part in that. What a crock.
Well said.
I dunno how you keep grown ups from exhibiting harassing behavior, but it’d be nice.
I have to disagree with you. I know hundreds of kids of all ages and the church going ones tend to be the meanest by far to every group that is not theirs. My kids and other atheist kids I know are always hearing how nice they are and how friendly they are to every kid from every background. A parent of a student that is in band with my son came out of their car in the cold and knocked on my car window just to say how helpful my son is to her daughter. Made me cry.
Blah Blah Blah pay attention to what im saying and then i’ll sneakily smack you in the face with my religion at the end. this was a great article about a pretty amazing teacher and you had to bring it around to your irrelevant religious beliefs…… making anything else you said irrelevant with it.
Calm down everyone. He’s probably right. People who are more religious tend to spend more time doing things as a family, like attending church regularly and going to church events. What he’s trying to get at is that people with good family values who do things together and care about each other are the ones who have more success in school. And a lot of times, that’s the more religious people because religion preaches family values and the world preaches everyone for himself or herself
What it sounds like to me is, “Kids who go to church know how to sit still and shut up because in church, they have to.”
Seriously with the church comment? I experienced the complete opposite.
Wow. As a preservice teacher, I found great ideas in this post. I would be very interested in hearing what she does next with those students next. How does she arrange her room to try to make those who are outcasts more involved? How does she approach those who seem to be lonely? How does she actually go about using those lists to actually help the children in need?
There is always a couple of students who like everyone! They also are looked up to by the rest of the class. Sitting at his/her table elevates the lower ranking student. A few sincere compliments from the teacher never hurt either.
This method has been around for many years and is very effective. Retired
12 years now.
I meant ..There are…sorry
Amy while I realise you are asking specifics to the social issues, I’d like to say you hit the nail on the head in terms of any assessment. It is only as important as to how you can use the data to help move the students along their learning about /for life. Wishing a fulfilling career as a teacher. 🙂
I have a 10 year old daughter and loved reading about the dedication and love this teacher has for the children in her class. After reading the whole thing, however, the question in my mind was also what the teacher actually did with the information she gleaned from her ‘research’.
I think this piece demonstrates the power teachers have and the magnificent impact they have on our children. Let’s relish that moment.
Kudos to you. What a positive way to instill kindness in children.
Some people are assuming the missing pieces of the story such as what the teacher literally did with information she obtained and the outcome. Those parts were left out to highlight the action of taking the time to care enough to actually collect the information and invent a method. The point is she cared! It does not say nor even infer that she cares nothing for education. Of course she does. She’s a teacher. It infers that she cares to creatively attempt to mold the children into more well rounded people. The teacher is encompassing a complete education that also includes emotional/socisl education. In this way setting a very sturdy foundation on which the child can continue building upon. Now if the next grade’s teacher also cares to do something like this then the children will possibly have a wonderful complete education. That’s so wonderful. I love to see this deep caring.
I love to see it too. But what good are we doing this very important topic if we don’t push it further with dialogue? It’s not enough to just say “This is so wonderful.” Yes, this is wonderful…but how can we take it a step further? How can we all ensure that someone DOES take it a step further? Discussing the fact that our education system is deeply flawed does not take away from the great work this teacher is doing.
What is deeply flawed is that every twenty or so years there is some initiative or movement that claims that our education system is deeply flawed and must undergo huge changes, generally blaming the teacher (the only ones actually involved in education on a daily basis). These entities imposing changes don’t include teachers or even ask for teachers’ input or when they do the input is disregarded. If you look at the current onslaught of reform it is and has been fueled by forces motivated to privatize education. All of this under the auspices of notion that the education system is failing in comparison to other countries of the world. The problem is that if anybody were informed properly, it would be clear that our students, coming from the most inclusive, broadest range of abilities and resources, demonstrate excellent rates of success and learning. But that is not what convinces people to complain enough that Congress allows private industries’ mitts into the education pie.
You sound like a great teacher. I don’t have a logical reason for saying that, just intuition. I have noticed that many outstanding instructors are very harsh to thise who are trying to figure it out. i suspect you probably already do this, but if you aren’t, please have mercy on the teachers who are trying to figure it out; I know those learned how to battle burn-out and channel their will are were practicing examples to their colleagues.
*those
*those who learned
Sheesh.
Oh, good grief.
Spelling is important, as is good grammar, and best would be devices that permit it (deflecting the blame to technology in this case).
*those who were
*are, not were
Good night.
This is a really great approach and lovely and all that, but I have to play devil’s advocate here. What does “get them help” mean? Anyone who has a child in special education knows how hard it is to get the services our children need. I know of at least two medically diagnosed ASD kids who do not get any services at all because they are able to successfully “access the curriculum.” The fact that they are lonely and can’t make friends disappears under the table because they do their work and don’t cause the teacher any trouble. How wonderful that a teacher has the time, energy and know-how to help her students. Many, many teachers don’t because they are fighting for their jobs through test scores. And as great as I think teachers are, the fact is that many of them are not qualified to help a child who needs serious social development. As for the bullies…those kids need the most help, in my opinion.
You know, you are absolutely. In my case, the damn principal would send kids to me for special activities & did not send any papers on these kids on how I was supposed to work with them. Their homeroom (PPCD) teachers were ding-bat air heads who did not take that extra step in informing us. I asked & asked. I felt very unprepared & felt very sorry for those kids because their homeroom teachers “looked” like they were doing the right thing, but they were not. And, these kids could have gotten hurt in my class. For this reason, public school is a shame. I always say parents need to be more informed on what really goes on in a school. Guess what those grouchy teachers would tell me (and I was a fellow teacher with them)…”oh we don’t need parents up here.” I was appalled and got out of public education. Perhaps I could’ve switched to a better school, who knows.
*meant absolutely right!
It is this kind of thinking that Albert Einstein spoke about. It can serve as a road map to relating to problems as interesting puzzles to discover simple patterns. Although this is about a teacher and her deep interest in her students, if you want to be brilliant with what bothers you, read this!
I was honored to share this ~
Obviously this article went viral and is being read by a wider audience than the usual Monkees. I cannot believe some of the mean, condescending, attacking comments here. WHY does everyone immediately get snarky and defensive when we start talking about education? Teaching is a noble profession, and since it is done by PEOPLE, not robots, everyone will do it a little differently. Isn’t that a good thing? Since kids are also people, and also all different from each other? The idea that our problems can easily be solved by a “one size fits all” solution is silly. This is ONE strategy, among thousands, that dedicated professionals are using to help our kids grow into actual, real, feeling, helpful, thinking PEOPLE who can contribute in this world. Please calm down and appreciate it for what it is. A beautiful story about a brilliant woman who uses a technique that has worked for her and her students.
Yes, coming back for my fourth or fifth session of reading comments, I am very sorry to see that this has, in many responses, descended into the meanness and snarkiness of the typical replies one would find on a national news website. Let’s hope that the people who are doing that choose to adapt their behavior to the expectations of this site or go elsewhere.
After a horrible week at school, dealing with parents mostly, I began to think that maybe I shouldn’t be teaching anymore..I am not sure why there has been such a shift in regard to the child always being correct and the teacher guilty. I do not know many, if any, teachers that have joined this professional whom don’t truly love their students and hope nothing but the best as they enter the world, so to speak. It is my job to prepare them for this. So, it makes me very sad when people, who aren’t in this profession, think that teachers are doing anything less. I easily spend 10-11 hours at school, come home, eat dinner and open the books again- another 3 or so hours. Getting sick of the bad rap teachers get, so this article has given me a bit of a spark, which was much needed this week. Thanks for sharing.
Don’t let them win. Your heart is in the right place and so many children need a good teacher like you to make a difference in their lives.
Don’t give up! It’s when good teachers give up that the mediocre ones or the ones who are “trapped” become the majority, and then the politicians come in and point their disapproving fingers and claim education needs to be privatized! You know, the only advice I ever give to new moms who ask or who seem so scared is to “trust your gut”….if you listen to your own inner voice, you will know what to do that is right for your baby. I’m thinking I need to amend that advice to young teachers that I know just starting out….there is so much pressure on them to teach to those abominable tests, but in the end, you have to “trust your gut” and teach for the reasons you chose this profession in the first place…I do believe with all my heart that when children are encouraged to learn, to be themselves, to trust that their teacher HEARS them and cares for them, the testing becomes insignificant to them and they do better all around. Good luck!
I hope someone nominates this teacher as Teacher of the Year! What love, concern and innovation. How many lives has she touched? This blew me away.
What a true gem of a post. Thank you so much! I sent it to administration of my daughter’s school.
Great to know that real teachers exist.
“And then she gets lonely kids the help they need”. Bizarre that in the entire article it doesn’t mention specifically what “help” she offers. I don’t at all like the implication that it’s the lonely child that needs “help”. It makes me worried that the lonely children will be basically told they are the problem and offered “therapy” or some such, when really what should happen is that the class as a whole should be addressed, to try to encourage them to value everyone. If any individual child should be targeted for help, it should be the bully!
I don’t think this teacher is ever, in any way, trying to single out a lonely child. I think she is looking at her classroom dynamic, and using connection strategies to create a classroom that ends that loneliness. And bullies are just lonely, hurt kids who found a negative way to ease that pain. Bullies miss out on connection too, just in a way that is opposite those they bully. And I don’t see any mention that lonely children are sent away for “help” but that this teacher looks for those who are struggling – not with math or reading who could be sent to a tutor, but with social relationships. Maybe she puts those kids who haven’t been nominated or requested together with children who are naturally empathic and friendly? Maybe she gives them special jobs that will showcase their quietly amazing personalities? Maybe she just pays more attention to them. What a quiet hero.
Sonia, I think your “MAYBES” are right on! I know there are lots of teachers like this women. I just wish there were more of them. Too bad this teacher is retiring. I feel sorry for Lyle and people like him. There is a book titled: Hurt People…Hurt People. I hope they will read it. It could just change their lives. This teacher is all about love.
Love Never Fails 1st Corintians 13:8
I agree with you somewhat. Being an extreme introvert myself, I was, in fact, a lonely child. However, much of my “alone time” was exactly what I wanted. Not all children want to be “part of the crowd.” Some want to be left alone. I applaud this teacher’s efforts to identify the needs of everyone. Hopefully, she is also well aware of the needs of the introverts and doesn’t force interaction that may be unwanted. I had my small circle of friends, but I can only handle a small number of friends. I never desired to have many friends. Too many friends = not enough alone time. My own children were opposites. One was friends with everyone, and the other just a certain few. As they grew, the popular one lost friends and gained others, usually being friends with whomever was around her. The other has stayed in contact with the same friends throughout her whole life. They are both extremely well adjusted adults, but continue to make friends differently.
Good point!
While I applaud what she is doing, I make this comment: As a mother of grown children and the grandmother and great-grandmother of some school children, I say that I care about math and reading ESPECIALLY…These are skills that children of any parent should be supporting..
Jean, while I agree that math and reading are critical to moving forward and becoming well equipped for careers….don’t you think being emotionally equipped is just as important – if not more so? What good can a genius mathemetician do if he/she doesn’t have the compassion or courage to put it to good use?
THIS. Also, this is Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. We cannot focus on higher level thinking, like math and reading, if our feelings of safety and belonging are not first in place.
Exactly! It is difficult for an adult to navigate hostile environments in jobs or neighborhoods or public places…worse if they are not feeling like they are connected or sure of themselves. Imagine being 8,9,10,12 years old and not feeling comfortable enough in a classroom to even ask a question for fear of being laughed at, or being afraid to stand up to someone who is bullying you or a classmate because you have no assurance that anyone else will come to your rescue? And then, SHAAAAAME on systems like the one in Salt Lake City that publicly REMOVED lunches from children whose parents were behind on paying their lunch bills? Or those school districts who have had their federal breakfast and lunch programs defunded because they…what…don’t want their parents to get LAZY?….So the kids get to school hungry, ashamed of their noisy bellies, afraid that the other children will not understand or accept them, bullied by the big boy in the back row (who is also poor and hungry, but is angry about it, too) and then asked to solve a math problem at the blackboard or read aloud to the class. Math and reading are essential-but you have to be able to LEARN first!
…sorry….I don’t think the school districts de-fund the programs, I’m thinking about the cutbacks our politicians are so fond of making on our children’s’ behalf..
Or put another way, there isn’t going to be any children to teach math and English to if they’re all fucking dead.
I completely agree with you, Jean. While I understand the author’s intention (character trumps all), I actually thought the piece was moving into satire at that point. In my opinion, math and reading are the most important ACADEMIC skills and that must be recognized and supported everywhere. Reading opens a world of understanding and connection for kids who do not have it. And math enables young adults to be successful, resulting in higher self esteem. I can tell that this teacher cultivates both the emotional AND mental needs of her students, but let’s not overlook the importance of both dimensions… We don’t just need compassionate babysitters. Teachers must pour themselves into academic education as that also saves lives.
Rebecca:
Well said. I cannot agree more. Thanks.
Depending on your personality and inane skills, kids are not likely to develop their math and reading during the time they are feeling ostracized or bullied. I read it as one of those “it almost goes without saying that math and reading are of critical importance” but when kids are being bullied to medium or high degree’s there is often not room left in their emotional life to acquire new math skills that week or month. The teacher is just trying to establish a baseline of where each kid might stand.
As another commenter said, I would be even more curious what actions the teacher took to effect change in the situation when a pattern emerged.
I totally agree with you. School is a place that “structured learning” occurs. Math and Reading are the most essential skills for anyone in daily life. How can you not care about these skills learned at school…..
The point is that the teacher went above and beyond the academics to also care for the kids’ emotional needs. After all, the article begins with a parent who said that their child *does* get the math.
I would think that this teacher cares enough about math to help not only her students succeed, but the parents of those students as well. After all, the only reason you are reading this article is that the teacher took the time to meet with a parent to teach her long division…which in turn means that this parent now has the necessary tools to help her child with homework. The wonderful thing here is that math isn’t the ONLY thing she cares about, and that she cares enough to add hours to her obviously already busy schedule as a teacher to help these kids develop their social skills and prepare them for higher education and community life.
Perfectly stated, Christine.
Oh, how WONDERFUL! What a blessing to be dedicated to so many little people, who will someday grow up KNOWING, deep down, they matter! Something that seems so simple, so elementary…is really so CREATIVE and MEANINGFUL!!! Blown away..gosh. Thank you for sharing this in such a meaningful way! LOVE WINS, yes AMEN!!!!
<3 8 (<–THAT'S infinity…straight up!) 🙂
This teacher is a true hero. Hope Ellen DeGeneres finds out about her 🙂
Beautiful, and doable, but as for the testing comment, sadly, administrators and the government DO care about standardized tests, so much that a teacher will lose her job if she doesn’t take them seriously. (Even if she knows they are pointless, she may have her own family to provide for, and that comes first.)
I agree with Cmore, unfortunately our jobs depend upon the results the students get on the standardized tests. As a special education teacher this is heartbreaking to have to do, even with alternate assessments the student is still required to work at grade level and we know if the child could do grade level we would quickly move them into their grade level. We want to see our students succeed – but the testing works against us all.
This should be required for every teacher everywhere from kindergarten to college!!
Wonder what it would look like to extend this concept into the working world . . .
This is a wonderful article – thank you so much – not enough of this is happening – but good to know that it is happening at all. Warms the heart!
I work for a University and the Faculty of Education is just down the hall from my office. I thought this article was great! Thank you for sharing it. I’ve printed it off and posted it on the Faculty of Ed bulletin board for our future teaching generation to read.
I love this and will implement this into my classroom. As a child I was a very introverted child. I never had the audacity to speak. As a teacher I always make sure that everyone gets their turn. I change groups around when I notice friction or get the feeling that a group is not working for someone. It is important to let all children know that they are part of a family when they enter your classroom and we have each others backs. It is a climb for each child, but we will get there.
I just have to say that this post is nothing short of pure brilliance! Thank you so much for sharing this story. You have helped pass that teacher’s legacy! I plan to implement this wonderful, ingenious, strategy.
Thanks again!
Mel
My daughter is 10 and has Autism and has a vary hard time connecting with her peers. She gets picked on about her cloths and her ways. She often does to others what is done to her as she knows no difference. When I try to explain she clearly does not get it, yet her school rarely comes to her rescue. Oh how I wish she had a teacher who really cares about the children instead of their jobs or even worse helping the popular kids first. Children with disabilities seem to fall through the cracks of education because its just simpler to push them through then to help them adjust to every day life. I will always be her advocate and all the friend I have lost due to the way I stand by her I’m sorry you feel this way as your loosing out on knowing a terrific kid.
So American I think. Why does a teacher who is trained to look out for and
expand small children need them to tell her who is on the outer? “Every Friday afternoon Chase’s teacher asks her students to take out a piece of paper and write down the names of four children with whom they’d like to sit the following week ” Why doesn’t s/he understand this silly? Dangerous even? Every child will know who has or has not been chosen. I believe there should be no choosing and she educates them to get along with whomsoever they are next to. As we all need to do in life. A much more valuable lesson
How exactly will every child know who has, or has not been chosen?
1. Requests aren’t guaranteed. Ballots are privately submitted. Unless the kids are actively analyzing the results of their requests, there isn’t any way for them to know.
2. Since the teacher has the last say, she can place the kids where she wants. (enabling her to ‘educate them to get along with whomsoever they are next to’)
The actual content in the blog refuted every single point you made. Check your reading comprehension.
Kevin, that was mean. “Check your reading comprehension”? So if someone does not agree with the article they are immediately served with meanness. This whole thing is about being kind and your response proved that you need to check your kindness.
Angela – the reading comprehension point is valid. That woman either did not read the article, or is unable to process the information contained within it. It would be mean to call her an idiot or a dolt, but simply pointing out her inability to comprehend the article is truth, not meanness. Check your intelligence.
This is getting comical. Check your humor IQ. Lol.
Did you read the whole thing?
She never actually uses those pieces of paper to seat the children. Just to find out who they WANT to sit with.
Absurd comment on a wonderful article about a wonderful educator. A large part of the reason the teaching profession has such a negative stigma associated with it is because people like you make accusatory, baseless remarks like this. Keep your ridiculous opinions to yourself.
You can’t FIX stupid.
I wish she had been your teacher.
I agree with the last comment! I also wish she had been your teacher or more to the point, your mentor. Maybe you would not have such a cynical attitude.
Sunny, perhaps it’s time for you to check your intelligence.
Not exactly. I was picked on from Kindergarten until I got to University. I was always positive, seemingly happy, and never complained, chatting with the teachers with no problem. For all they saw or knew, I was perfectly happy and had no problems. My parents even thought things were fine until I had a nervous breakdown at home, collapsing to the floor sobbing and shaking after my mom asked me yet again how my day was, and I had said my normal “fine”. Teachers now often have so many kids they, sadly, cannot possibly see everything that goes on. If I could have had one teacher care (and I had one teacher that was one of my bullies) and help me stand up for myself…something I wasn’t brave enough to do, it would have stopped me cutting myself and contemplating suicide.
This comment could have been written by me
I’m so sorry. I hope things are better now. My life is, once I had kids I realized I had to stand up for myself or I couldn’t stand up for my kids. I refuse to have them be tormented in the way I was, whether their teachers see it or not!
OK, then the teacher should not even try. If one person falls through the cracks the whole system has failed, right? The one size fits all mentality is driving this nation into the ground.
Bob I’m not sure why you’re having a go at Sam. She’s pointing out that Susan is wrong, that teachers, even with their best efforts, cannot always just see who has problems; they do need to be told sometimes. I see Sam’s comment as being supportive of this teacher’s efforts to find out who is struggling. She’s saying it would have been great to have had a teacher like this when she was having such so difficult time. At least, that’s how I read this comment and Sam, I’m sorry if I have incorrectly understood.
That was what I was saying exactly, thank you.
Bob,
It’s time for you to check your reading comprehension AND your intelligence.
BAZINGA!
What I was saying is that the teacher SHOULD try. Just sitting there behind your desk and teaching, expecting to be able to see what is going on in the kids’ heads is not enough. There are lots of kids like I was, ones who want to do everything right so don’t like to rock the boat and speak out, or ones that just do not feel comfortable sharing. If the teachers took the extra time and effort to find out what was going on, less bullying would happen and fewer kids would self harm or end up killing someone.
Gosh, I’m amazed at the harsh comments made about the article and to each other.
As a just retired teacher, I know how difficult it is to connect to with each of the 130 to 160 students I would see each day, even on a weekly basis. The teacher in the article obviously cares about student learning as well as the students as individuals. Most teachers realize that when a student is isolated for whatever the reason, his/her learning is negatively affected. By trying to help isolated students, the teacher is also impacting learning.
It seems to me a number of the people who commented on about this article should visit middle school classes to gain a better understanding of what teachers do.
Thank you for this wonderful story. I teach a class for future teachers about creating inclusive schools and I will share this story with all of my students.
There is a lot of good stuff in here. I just want to share my discomfort with the “bad bullies”/”poor bullying victims” dichotomy. Do those situations happen? Yes. But, far more often than not, kids are mean to other kids, and other kids are mean to them. Because kids can be kind of mean. By calling it all “bullying,” I am concerned that we are causing our children to see themselves as innocent victims, rather than people who have the capacity to both be hurt by AND hurt others.
I’ve seen this in my own son. This is his first year in a traditional school (he’s almost 10, and has previously been homeschooled or in a very small private school). Bullying is a big topic. Students are told bullying is never okay, they should always report if they are bullied, that every case of bullying must be taken seriously. As a result, a few times my son has come home and told me he was “bullied.” Knowing my child well, I probed a bit further. Once the whole story came out, it was very clear that he was giving as good as he was getting in the situation. He wasn’t a victim of bullying, but instead was involved in the kind of schoolyard meanness that unfortunately kids do often engage in.
I think the emphasis on bullying will cause more problems than it solves until we are ready to admit that our children–and ourselves–are just as likely to be bullies as to bully, and that most of us are on both the giving and receiving end of mean behavior. Dividing the world into bullies and victims isn’t helpful when most of us already have an innate tendency to think the best of ourselves and the worst of others, and to excuse our own unkindness as necessary and understandable while viewing the unkindness we are the recipients of as unconscionably wrong. To butcher Solzhenitsyn, the line between bully and victim does not, in general, run through the school cafeteria, but through the heart of every school child (and of us, their parents).
Everybody needs kindness. The kids who appear to be lonely do, but so do the kids who have tons of friends (because how many of us have at some point been in the position of feeling completely alone and misunderstood and feeling like, even though we were liked, we would be rejected if people knew who we really were?). The kids who seems to be on the receiving end of lots of bullying does, but so does the kid who seems to be doing a lot of bullying. I just wish that’s how we framed it–be kind, always, to everyone–rather than as bullying is bad. Because I think to some extent we’re just creating another out-group–this time, “bullies”–instead of creating a genuine culture of kindness and acceptance.
I think you’re right that anyone can bully, while at other times being bullied. However, I don’t think that’s a reason to not talk about it – it’s a reason to avoid bully/victim labeling. We should still talk about the behavior, recognizing it as a problem at the same time we acknowledge that both those being bullied and those doing the bullying need compassion and support.
Really excellent points and comment. I agree with you. Thanks for sharing a different perspective.
Anon mum, I agree.
We need to concentrate on being kind and thoughtful. My daughter has a very strong idea of what is right and wrong which sounds good but causes problems and can make her intolerant and judgemental if she perceives a friend has made a mistake by being mean to her. She is basically kind but does not like me to question her when she tells me that she is being bullied, as has been your experience. It was school yard meanness. She accused me of siding with her friend, she needs to be older to reason with!
Your comments were interesting and helpful, thanks.
Your daughter sounds a lot like my son. 🙂 He is a great kid! He will, when he is older and a little less self-focused, have a strong sense of justice that I hope he will do great things with. But, right now, it’s mostly focused on identifying injustices he perceives towards himself and having a whole lot less self-awareness about how his own words and actions affect others.
I see this in all my kids. I think anybody with more than one kids knows, somehow even if you saw two kids going at it with each other with equal ferocity, when questioned, each one is the victim and did or said NOTHING wrong to instigate or escalate the situation. It’s amazing. 😉
And, I do it, too. I get so righteously outraged at my husband for making some rude comment to me (“Are you on your period?” OMG, how dare he!) ignoring the fact that I had spent the previous hour criticizing everything about him. Yes, he was unkind and shouldn’t have responded in a belittling or cruel way. But, I was being unkind, too, and shouldn’t have been sitting around listing all of his faults for an hour. It’s just our natural tendency to be far more aware of the unkindnesses of others than of our own.
And I’m not saying meanness isn’t an issue; it is! But we won’t solve it by, as was mentioned above, labeling some people bullies and some victims, since all of us will choose the victim label for ourselves, no matter how mean we are. As long as we can point to one person who is unkind to us–and of course we all can–we can put ourselves in the “victim” side and feel we’re one of the good guys.
But I’m not one of the good guys, and my kids aren’t, either. We are all imperfect people, and we’re all as prone to be unkind as we are to be subject to the unkindness of others. I think the focus has to stay on behaviors rather than labels, which is why I’m a bit uncomfortable with the idea of trying to figure out which kids go into the “bullied” or “lonely” box and which go into the “bully” and “popular” box, because it’s usually not that clear-cut.
I’m glad to see this opinion voiced. It’s impossible to know where someone else is coming from, we barely know where we are coming from sometimes. Kindness is helpful in every situation. Compassion and gentleness can only help to create cooperation. Many thanks to this teacher, and to the anonymous Mom who made this comment.
I really appreciate your post and agree with what you said. Putting the emphasis on bullying and strengthening the victim mentality is not the answer.
Anon Mom – Thanks for your comments. The “bully” label is being used too frequently in situations like you described with your son.
Not every disagreement between people involves a “bully” and a “victim.”
“To butcher Solzhenitsyn, the line between bully and victim does not, in general, run through the school cafeteria, but through the heart of every school child (and of us, their parents).”
This. This made my day on so many levels. Just so you know, I shared your entire comment when I posted a link to this on Facebook. Go, you.
What a blessing she is….
Not sure if the teacher is aware of it, but this is called social network analysis in the social sciences (sociology, anthropology, etc). Interesting use.
Awesome! Time to go do some reading. Thank you for the lead. 🙂 Now I am inspired and also have a place to go from there in addition to what was described in the article.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Brilliant. Passing it on…
Ah. Mazing! I LOVE this! Tell her she cannot retire!! I was pretty much always the outcast at school. It didn’t matter which school, which class, or who the other kids were. I was always the outcast. Teased, picked on for multiple things. From the time I was very little to today. I didn’t get it. I was pretty, smart, and nice to others. Thank God I was never physically bullied. I remember a day in 8th grade, we were supposed to pair up with another classmate to work on something during class. We had an odd number of students in our class that day. Our teacher didn’t care. He didn’t let 2 girls that had already picked each other to let me into their group. I had to work alone. It hurt me so much. I knew I could handle the work myself; like I said, I was smart. But it hurt that no one wanted to pair up with me. It hurt even more that my teacher didn’t care I was alone. This wonderful teacher you wrote about is definitely saving lives and helping these kids more than they even realize. I have many times thought about suicide and mentioned it out loud. “I’m gonna kill myself.” “I hate my life.” “I can’t handle this.” “It’d be easier if I were gone.” But there are a lot of little things that I try to remind myself of when I feel that way or find myself saying those things. They keep me here. I do have a purpose here. This teacher IS saving lives. Thank you to all the teachers that care.
Kari, you DO have a purpose here. I’m sorry you’ve gone through the painful experience of being alone in a crowd. I often was too in school. One of the lessons I took from that experience, that helps me have purpose, is I learned to open my eyes and look around for others who are alone in the crowd, and try to make life a little easier for them. Sometimes that means for one day/time/event… but sometimes that turns into lasting a meaningful relationships. It took some time, but I realized being different (which can seem negative) can also mean being special (which is positive). I wish you well as you keep seeking for your daily purpose.
It is great to have people like you and Chase’s teacher in the school system
to help guide the children to become the best they can be. It should be the job of parents, but that often is not the case. The teacher is the one who many times
must step in and do what the parents can’t or won’t do.
In today’s world the subject matter is important as well and to strike a balance
between the two must be difficult indeed. I don’t envy your task, but as long as
there are dedicated teachers like you and Chase’s, we know that the education of the coming generation is in good hands. Keep up the good works!
Wow! This is awesome!!! Thanks for sharing!
This is poetry.
She looks for patterns.
Who is not getting requested by anyone else?
Who doesn’t even know who to request?
Who never gets noticed enough to be nominated?
Who had a million friends last week and none this week?
Uh, none of those word rhyme. Fail.
I literally lol’d
A. Rhyming is not a requirement for something to be poetry.
B. The definition of the word poetry is: something that is very beautiful or graceful.
I think poetry is a great term to describe this teacher’s out of the box solution to an all too common, heartbreaking problem.
Robert Grifin: Not all poetry rhymes.
God bless teachers! Thank you for sharing this remarkable idea.
This is something we can all do.
Mom
Truly amazing story! To all the warriors out there who really CARE; thank you for connecting with our children in your own special way! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I don’t want to add to the workload of teachers. But I am stunned by the commenters who think that this kind of thing is out of place, because the teachers are there to teach the subjects and not do this kind of thing. I guess that I understand the problem now! The reason that the teachers have to do this so much is because some people do not understand that it is our obligation to be loving with one another, to watch out for one another, all day, every day, with everyone! Of course, with our own children. But also, of course, with our students, if we are teachers. If we are not teachers, then, with our colleagues at work. If we do not work, then, with the people we encounter in our day, the clerk at the post office counter, the grocery store cashier, the person behind you in line.
That’s not touchy-feely private family stuff. That’s just being human. That’s how humans are supposed to be. We evolved to care about and for each other. It’s part of how we feel happy and good, ourselves. Columbines happen, in part, I think, because somehow we live in a society that has forgotten how to be human like that.
So anyway. Bravo! I already send this article to my son’s teacher, though I bet she already does it. She’s like that. Thank goodness!
Amen!! We have become a society so focused on “me” that we forget “us”.
I LOVE this article. Let me make clear however that I do value the education that my child gets in the classroom and DO think it is of up most value. But I absolutely LOVE how simple yet how very insightful this plan is. It can also help a teacher understand their students better as well. The better you know students the better you can teach. I used to teach the little ones Pre-K and Kindergarten and even at that age they had their own groups. The ones not included always felt rejected and suffered socially because of it. Parents can’t do all the work because we cannot follow them to school. What they do at home and what they do at school can often be completely different. I have had several parents get upset thinking that I was lying to them about how great their little terrors were for me and vice verse. Point is teachers do need to teach curriculum but it isn’t that simple. They also need to teach socialization as well. Humans are not simple and have to be taught everything all at once not facts at school and feelings at home but both all day long. I have been blessed with the teachers my children have gotten thus far as they all seem to get that. And at home we do our best to help out what the teachers are being forced to focus all their attention on. Thank you for all those teachers who take the time.
Hi Sara,
It’s not “up most” value. It’s utmost value! I thought since you value it so much, you should probably know how to spell it/say it!
As a teacher myself I thought someone should tell you.
Tara, Autocorrect is a haphazard thing, and does not contextualize before changing words.
How to prevent another Columbine …. revise the gun amendment and laws. This won’t stop loneliness/bullying/mental illness … but when/if someone ‘acts out’ it will end in less fatalities.
You cannot legislate the heart. What this teacher is doing is infinitely more effective than all the arguments about guns, arrows, rocks, or words. The unfortunate thing about our society is that we actually believe that people are changed by politics. They’re not and they never will be. People are changed by incarnation – the interruption of one life with another. This teacher gets it…
Luckily for students, many teachers do ‘get it.’ But these teachers are rare – or few and far between – in the individual lives of our children. Wish there were more…
This article offers such hope for students (and humanity) – just look at the number of teachers who have responded positively to it! Too bad we can’t force the teachers who should read it and who need mentoring like this retiring teacher offers, to read the post and take positive action.
Also, it’s too bad that so many people have posted nasty remarks about the words of others’ commentaries. SAD! Good thing teachers are looking out for ALL children, some parents don’t have the right tools in their toolbox to teach children how to be kind.
if not guns, then knives or swords. If not blades, then sticks and rocks. If not that, then fists and feet. point= means will be found with enough motivation. Fix the cause, not the effects. Cure the disease instead of treating the symptoms.
Oh, here we go…
Thank you…I don’t know what else to say. Thank you.
I loved this post. It warms my heart to hear stories about all the good teachers do for our children because so often we focus on what they are not getting, rather than all the love and dedication teachers give every day.
So great you shared this before she retires, it’s a gift to new teachers reading your blog and a reassurance to parents that great teachers are passing on this wisdom.
Plotting a graph to show “isolates” and relevant information was popular in the 1980s until right wing parents protested and schools then were given the word that they were to no longer ask children such questions as, “Do you think the teacher likes you?” and “Who would you like to sit by?” etc. I suppose if a psychologist had asked the questions, parents wouldn’t have objected. But, that was the “atmosphere” then, and perhaps not now.
Really?? You don’t find your comment divisive? Who decided that it was the right-wing parents who complained? You? Or did the schools or media deem them so? Because I’m certain no one checked the political affiliations of the parents who “protested.” There was no need for you to label and divide in this post about including and loving.
Wow, I was reading beautiful, loving comments up until yours. Why bring name calling and bullying (yes, you did when you blamed “right wingers for all current woes). Please stop labeling.
Seriously? Do you even know what bullying is? And right wing parents were not even sort of blamed for all woes.
Seriously!
Bullying is defined as repeated behaviour. A one off comment is not bullying. It may not be nice or desirable and it may be nasty, cruel etc. but it is not bullying. We need to be careful of how we label things.
That is awesome. I used to be that child – lonely, isolated, and rejected by my peers. I suspect that I possibly had (have?) asperger’s syndrome but no one had heard of it back then so I never received any assistance. Instead I went through school with few friends and never learned the ins and outs of social interaction. Fortunately, I never resorted to violence, but I am now in my late 40s and still alone and friendless. I cannot relate to others and it’s most likely too late for me to learn. God bless that teacher for helping those children….how I wish I had had some help all those years ago
It’s never too late to learn.
There is so much about a person that is changeable, and age makes no difference. In my experience as a teacher, everyone can change. It’s called learning. It takes commitment and the ability to see each failure not as a message for you to stop, but as an opportunity to learn from your mistakes. To get up and press on armed with more knowledge and more skill.
Relating to others is a skill, and skills are developed over time and with practice. Don’t know how to talk with others? Do some research. You are not the only person who has had troubles like this and you can learn to change.
Good luck, keep practicing.
It’s never too late to make friendships, Beth. Look for a church or a volunteer activity in your city – it might take visiting several to find one where you’re comfortable. You’ll be glad you did.
Beth — it’s never too late! You are reaching out by responding to this post.
I’m very sorry that you never got any help when you were young, whatever the cause. Life would certainly have been more fun — or at least, I suspect it might have been.
This teacher was certainly on to something… and look how many other kids are lonely and seemingly friendless… the boy in Columbia, MD just last week for ex.
Write to me! Tell me about yourself, I’m interested.
Beth, its never too late to make a friend. Each day take baby steps. Say hello to someone, smile at someone. A smile goes a long way. Join a church group or a club. Good luck
There are a LOT of Asperger support groups around the country. Check their website and see if there is one nearby. You’ll meet other adults like you, with mild Asperger’s and never diagnosed, encountering the same problems and then hear things that work and don’t work for them.
Why can’t the parents teach the loving and teachers teach the schooling? Why is it all up to teachers, again?
It takes a village…
This is my favorite comment by far. Family, friends, neighbors, and educators help to foster our children. Open your heart and mind to know that sometimes teachers kno our kids better than us for that school year because our kids are forever evolving and growing. If a teacher is taking great interest in the whole of a child and not just their learning they “get” children. A village is where our kids learn.
Because not all children have the good fortune to come from loving, connected families! Teachers that have developed your attitude, I fear, need to quit teaching. *sigh*
Amen to that. Too much of the time, those of us who were blessed to come from a loving home assume everyone has had that in their lives. Many children have no concept of a loving home and school provides little relief were it not for godly teachers like this. God bless her. May he provide many more like her.
Because children don’t interact with 25-30 other children in the home.
And because, obviously, some parents are failing.
Because no matter how parents parent, once kids are out of the range of their parents they do what others do, what is done they do things because no one is watching.
Teachers are In the middle of their peer group.
Teachers need to do stuff like this to help. It takes a communitity to raise someone good. And idiots are going to have kids, and it’s not the kids fault they have idiots for parents, but for those other adults that are in their lives they should help in ways they can.
Why can’t teachers teach everything. This is great and i hope one day my son has an awesome, teacher like this. one who cares about the kids. School is hard, and you must have been so popular that you never felt the pain, that even though your parents loved you, taught you wrong from right, that no one gave two cents about you because you were shy, because you were too outspoken. that’s not learned in home, that’s learned in peer groups, home is the safe place, school is not… this is making school the safe place.
“Why can’t teachers teach everything?” Seriously? I am all for teachers engaging in these types of behaviours and happily do this myself, but society is expecting more and more to be done by teachers and abdicating responsibility. As a person above said, it takes a village. This means more than just teachers. Yes, some homes are not happy/well functioning. But just how much do you think one human being should be expected to do with a group of 26 kids (or more than if they teach older grades and see perhaps 80-100 students in the course of their teaching timetable). They are held ultimately responsible for the intellectual and academic progress of the students under their care (I say ultimately, because we seem to locate blame for standardised test results/grades/performance indicators/assessment solely on the teacher/educational institution) AND are expected to be fully engaged in the moral, social and emotional development of them as well. Teachers do this anyway because they want the best for their students and care enormously. But we need to eradicate the ‘it’s the teacher’s responsibility’ mindset. Good, caring teachers are having more and more expectations placed upon them and we wonder why they are burning out.
Wouldn’t it be great to have parents attend class with their students? Note that this couldn’t happen every day, and it would be very difficult for some without support from employers, but it would be fascinating to see this happen. Also, why not have parents have educational leave to connect to their kids’ schools?
well, if the parents aren’t doing their job (of which many parents seem to not be doing their job), somebody will have to if successful children and a better society are expected.
I think because when you put a group of thirty kids of the same age in the same room for such a large percentage of their lives, we create an artificial environment that has its own unique issues and problems for all involved. Parents don’t get to see that. Teachers can help kids live in the strange social situation they are in…the classroom.
Thank you!
I don’t think that the writer is suggesting it is “all up to the teacher”. But the teacher is in a unique position of seeing our children interact on a daily basis in an environment to which we as parents have little insight.
Just as I help “school” my children by providing the individual academic attention that my child may need but does not receive in a classroom of 25+ kids, the teacher can contribute to my child’s social education in large groups, something I have little opportunity to do.
It’s both, I think. Parents have a responsibility too, but kids spend a good portion of their days with teachers and the kids look up to teachers as role models (especially at a very young age). Who hasn’t accidentally embarrassed themselves in elementary school by calling their teacher “Mom.” Well, maybe that one is just me, but the point still stands. Parents must teach their children to be kind, but so must teachers who see them in a completely different environment than a parent can. You’re right: teachers are not babysitters. Yet, both parents and teachers play an incredible role in a child’s life that the child will learn how to treat others from both regardless of whether either intended to teach a lesson.
Because WE are ALL in this TOGETHER!
AMEN!
yes!
Because the feasibility of you being able to gather and use this kind information, as a parent, is not likely. how many situations exist, where you get to see if your child is lonely or not, bullied or bully?
The majority of your child’s life will be spent at school. and studies show that social IQ is a bigger factor in your child’s success than general knowledge. don’t you want the teachers to teach for success? the saying “it takes a village to raise a child.” is more than a nice concept, it’s a fact.
Because school is where kids spend most of their waking hours and it’s their primary social environment. Yes, families can do what they can.
Teachers see the inner social lives of the children that the parents don’t get to see. Parents can see how their children interact with their own friends but rarely how they are with other children that they are not friends with on a daily basis. Yes there has been a lack of parenting these days but most teachers become teachers because of their love for children and their desire to teach. This teaching is not always about the reading, writing, history, and arithmetic. It takes a village to raise a child I still believe and teachers are part of the village.
It’s absolutely NOT all up to teachers. But parents don’t always see what goes on in school, and as a mom, I KNOW the story I get isn’t the full story, it’s colored by my child’s perceptions (and sometimes his desire to not look guilty in any way, I’m sure). It has to be a team effort, because neither the teacher or the parent can be everywhere.
Your comment implies that there is a simplistic solution to the education of children. I was a very involved parent in my kid’s education but my daughter was/is socially awkward and shy. I now understand why some years were ‘good years’ and others not so good in regards to her liking of school. She is very smart, test scores always in the top percentiles, but her academic performance was tied to how well she felt accepted by her classmates. I suspect that was tied to how well the teacher made sure all of the kids were included in things, like this wonderful teacher in this article. Even now in college, when she has a class with one or 2 kids she connects with and can study with she does better than in a class where some group project turns out badly she all of a sudden has problems in the class. My son is totally different, does well in some subjects, not so well in others, regardless of the teacher or the social dynamic, but is not shy or awkward. Point is for some kids, social anxiety and feeling accepted is intrinsically tied to their academic performance. if they are worried that kids don’t like them it can affect their learning.
Because children need a stable and seamless environment to learn and grow in. Because even children (like me) who get love and attention at home can find the classroom alienating and scary because the same love, attention and understanding is not present. And because parents should also teach – helping with homework, speaking with teachers, helping their children succeed. I was bullied, was ‘the reject’ not of my class, but of the whole school, until college, where my differences and uniqueness were recognized by older and more open-minded students. I had love and academic support at home, but school did not offer any of that security or understanding. It is important for any child to feel safe and supported in any environment, until they are old enough to stand up for themselves. And sadly, many children grow into adults who still can’t do that, because they never had the emotional support that would have allowed them to become confident enough to do so.
“Because parents should also teach” – Brilliant, thank you! It has to be a partnership.
My experience as a teacher (of older students 15-18) is too often with parents who do not get involved. I had one father ask me to remove him from an email distribution list I use (bcc of course) to keep parents in the loop about what is going on in Year 10 English class, what they should be seeing their child do for independent study and how the parents can be supporting their child. I had another mum, when discussing how she was having issues getting her daughter to abide by the school’s uniform and makeup policies, say ‘No offence, but isn’t that your job’.
As a teacher I LOVE working with supportive, engaged parents who do not expect the teacher(s) to do everything, and I firmly believe it contributes to the development of the whole child when they know their parents care about their schooling and their wellbeing.
With all due respect deedee, many parents are too busy working to keep their heads above water to have time to teach their children how to be good human beings, maybe they didn’t learn it themselves. You can debate all you want about whether it’s the school’s job or whether these people should have kids, but the fact remains that teachers like this one are reaching out to children who need help. Sometimes it is the kind word or act of ONE teacher that makes the difference in a child’s life. So much of what makes us successful adults has its roots in our experiences as children, and I’m not talking about the core curriculum.
Holy wow. I am moved to tears. Brilliant. I am honestly inspired! Thnak you so much for sharing!!
*Thank
I appreciate that the author “doesn’t care” about standardized tests. If the majority of the people believed this, then changes could be made. Unfortunately, those pulling the strings of school boards across the country have convinced school boards that standardized testing is the only way to judge teachers. Not student growth, but judging teachers.
It’s nice and all, the sentiments expressed here. We teachers appreciate that. We would appreciate you taking the next step and expressing your opinion through your vote, through your emails to school districts who are trying to ram Common Core down the teacher’s throats, and by spreading the word that you value true teaching, and not standardized testing.
Right now, all teachers hear, everywhere, is how crappy we are, and that we need “reform” in the system, and somebody with no education degree but a lot of money is going to tell us how. Like I said, I appreciate the sentiment expressed in this blog. Stopping the corporate steamroller is going to be more important.
my parents worked for the school distric, when i was in school.. i still ditched the tests.
My parents thought they were good, though now they see they were nothing but horrible stupid things.
But as a little kid, then in highschool i just found ways to not take them. And no i wouldn’t make them up. they could give me an F on them. *they just wrote me off. haha.*
kids all grow different. They tell you that all the time when they are small, newborn, some will sit up at 3 months some will sit up at 4 or 5…. some will walk by 1 some wont.
Why is it any different when they enter school? No one is the same. and i dont think teachers are horrible unless they let injustices go on because they listen to the crap other stupid adults say about what kids should do… Like they dont remember.
I remember, and I will always remember, My son in important, and I always vote against tests, will pull him out of them, wave him from that torment.
Tests dont show what the kids know, it tests what the teacher can possibly cram in their heads, usless facts that after the test are forgotten because detail wasn’t expressed.
You can memorize.
I could get on a soap box forever. There are many, many teachers out there that do the same thing – literally or in a different form. I was in the education business for 39 years and my motto each day was — Make a kid a winner today. And it was a different one each day – sometime a repeat – but everyone was a winner in my room. We have people in our government that make decisions for our educators – administrators ect. that have NO clue. We then take it to the state government and they do the same thing and in Texas we had a school board that does the same thing. They really have no clue about what real teaching is. Thanks for sharing this. I am not saying 100% have no clue — just about 99 percent.
But that 1% stands a good chance of making a lot of difference in the lives of children…
I feel bad that a teacher has to take so much time with this stuff and not on educating the children on the subjects. The reason our society is like it is is because families are disintegrating. Schools have had to take up the slack and make up what parents are not doing at home. School used to be for teaching the 3 R’s and such, now it’s teaching personal space and how to get a long. School’s used to not put up with bullying but now a teachers hands are tied, they can’t truly discipline. I do believe that praise can be so much more affective than any negative attention will ever be.
Also what happens when a great teacher like this is there then the next year the children might get a teacher who could care less and so the children get yanked back into that ugly classroom of bully’s. This seems like an easy enough thing to implement for every teacher.
“I feel bad that a teacher has to take so much time with this stuff and not on educating…”
That’s the multi-faced career that is teaching, friend. Too often do people assume teachers are merely instructors of our content area. We are social supporters, emotional supporters, and cheerleaders for each and every student.
And oh, we teach our content, too.
🙂
PREACH! Love it! 🙂
;-D
Well said, so true, and not nearly enough well recognized or respected for this complex job.
I think it’s a sad to say that teachers shouldn’t need to do these things, that this should only be on parents. It takes a village! Parents aren’t in school where socializing, friend formation and challenges occur. Teachers are. When going to school for teaching you learn all about the social, emotional and cognitive development of a child…because they are all three critical to success and are interconnected. It’s an incredible thing when you read stories like these and can only hope that your child’s teacher sees the value in teaching kindness and compassion. Children that bully aren’t evil. They’re in pain. I try to teach my children this, so that they too try to find a way to ease that for them.
Relationships are what make the world go ’round, what’s more important? As a former teacher, this is what I loved most about teaching. Helping children connect, so they could be all the more successful in the classroom and in life.
I used something similar in my classroom for many years. Students had an assigned partner. I would ask students to write the name of two people they wanted to have as a partner (no promises given). Below that they were to write the name of one person they felt they could not work with as a partner. I was able to determine which children were more popular and which child students did not like. Partners were changed on a regular basis so that all students had an opportunity to get to know children they would not normally have as a friend. My hope was that students would begin to understand that everyone is special and has something to offer.
I did a similar project as Data for a Master’ Degree project back in 1974. Results can be plotted on what is called a “sociogram” and it is easy to spot the “isolates” who need a special focus. Every classroom has a social environment that teacher’s need to be aware of. Results must be protected and honored with professionalism.
Your article and the teacher who invoked such a huge “QUALITY” to the lives of her students and to society once they grew up, truly and inspiringly, MADE MY DAY. It pushed aside the hurt and pain that my own child had gone through over the past few years and is still somewhat going through some issues with negativity from school peers. It shed a huge amount of light on what really matters in today’s world: Respect, kindness, acceptance, sharing, forgiveness, caring, hope and love. I commend the teacher as well as the parent who recognized this remarkable effort. This should become a domino effect within our education system, our sports system, our religous system, our home system, our nation system. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.
To Jennifer also, thank you for giving the outside world a perspective of how things were around these individuals that placed a permanent sword into society as we know it. I just wanted to add, I am a diabetic also, I have been for the past 36 years. I was not a bully, although I had been bullied a few times myself back in the day. Nothing I couldn’t handle though. It was more so because of my intelligence level and the jealousy peering down on me from the not-so-intelligent people (I never understood that behavior because they were talented in so many other things I was not). They got over it though. They are actually wonderful parents today and care much for their kids and are aware of bullying and are very adament on teaching antibullying at home to them. I just don’t want you to have negative feelings towards “diabetics”. We are not all violent in nature. We get cranky with certain high and low blood sugars but I can’t pinpoint a mention from doctors or nurses ever educating my family or me that I would be violent.
God bless you all for reading this most awesome article and God bless those who will go on and make a new difference once it’s read.
Restoring HOPE back into our country’s future – our children.
Oh, I must have not have been clear, sorry–I meant that Dylan bullied a diabetic kid. The diabetic kid did nothing wrong. Dylan made fun of him because he couldn’t eat candy. A few other kids stood up for him. I have nothing but positive feelings for diabetics. I’m sorry that you were bullied.
I am a certified teacher certified in Elementary School and in Secondary French. I taught at West Elementary School in Independence, Iowa, for 2 1/2 years immediately after college graduation. ( I came in at midyear.) I worked at the only federally-funded teacher center in the state of Iowa–the AEA-VII Teacher Center–for 3 years. We survived President Ronald Reagan’s Heritage Foundation’s budget cuts, but we saw the number of teacher centers nationwide drop from 102 to 51 in one year. Then I worked at The Education Center, Inc., in Greensboro, NC, publishing materials, magazines, and books for Pre-K to Grade 5 teachers for more than 15 years. Since then, I substitute taught in the Guilford County Public Schools elementary schools for 8 years. I believe in education, in teaching, in learning, in reading, in children being our future, in lifelong learning, and in educating every child in the best way for him or her. This article gives me hope for education, when much of the press regarding schools today does not give hope and doesn’t shed a true light on what truly dedicated teaching professionals are doing out there in our schools each and every day.
While I enjoyed reading this blog and commend the teacher for taking such a novel approach to integrating isolated children, I am having trouble with the following statement:
“She watched that tragedy KNOWING that children who aren’t being noticed will eventually resort to being noticed by any means necessary.”
I don’t think it is fair assumption. Not every child who feels unnoticed is likely to go on to commit horrible acts of violence. Not every child who feels unnoticed will go on to engage in other outlandish for attention. If this assumption were true, violent tragedies would be much more commonplace.
She didn’t say that they’d all go on to be violent, she said they’d all seek attention. That can mean any number of different behaviors.
What you say is true. Not every child who feel unnoticed is likely to go on to commit horrible acts of violence, or go on to engage on to engage in other outlandish behavior. But they MIGHT. And THOSE are the ones that she is targeting by helping them all. And she is teaching all of the others to be kind, and strong, and connected .. and loved.
True enough. But the phrase “by any means necessary” is a loaded term. It was often employed by and attributed to Malcolm X:
“We declare our right on this earth to be a man, to be a human being, to be respected as a human being, to be given the rights of a human being in this society, on this earth, in this day, which we intend to bring into existence by any means necessary.”
It is generally considered to leave open all available approaches on the table, including violence.
“She watched that tragedy KNOWING that children who aren’t being noticed will eventually resort to being noticed by any means necessary.”
The assumption that “every child who feels unnoticed is likely to go on to commit horrible acts of violence.” is the problematic one. Having some degree of attention, being noticed, is a fundamental need. It’s bigger for some than for others, but it’s there and it’ll eventually get met.
I don’t think that the author is arguing that everyone who is hurt by the cruelty of their peers is going to shoot up the school or necessarily do anything violent — the point is that those who DO are those who haven’t gotten what they needed from their communities. As kids, those communities are largely their schools. There have been a few shootings since Columbine, and I’m unaware of any that were committed by people who were well-liked or popular.
Very few people are capable of being ignored and remaining sane for extended periods of time — that’s why “the shoe” is an effective punishment for those who will never see freedom outside of prison.
Not all of the “means necessary” are explosions outward, many are explosions inward. The “violence” may happen at home in the form of temper tantrums, or in the grocery store as shoplifting, or in the classroom as clowning around, or as overachieving at the cost of cheating, or even more subtly as bulimia, or cutting. As one of the “good kids” who went unnoticed and still hasn’t learned how to make friends–she is right.
Look around you! IT IS.
It’s also based on a misrepresentation of what happened at Columbine. While the early story was that these were bullied teens, the very long, in-depth police investigation that took over a year and received almost no media attention showed otherwise. In fact, one of the perpetrators engaged in bullying behavior toward other students. The students responsible had friends, had girlfriends, and were not ostracized or disliked by their peers. They were the ones who were filled with hatred. They didn’t target bullies or jocks, and several of the students they killed were themselves marginalized.
Most likely, one perpetrator was a sociopath (the longer investigation revealed that he had indulged in violent, hateful fantasies for many years) and the other was extremely depressed and easily influenced by a strong personality. It was a tragic, horrible event that demonstrated more about mental illness and how devastating and irrational hate can be in our lives and communities. Could something have been done? Yes. But identifying lonely and bullied children would not have stopped Columbine, because these young men were neither.
INSPIRING!!!! Thank you so much for sharing. LOVE makes the world go around. This teaher has shared a gift….keep passing it on.
I loved this article, and I agreed with everything except one line:
“the best and ONLY hope we’ve got for a better world”
I disagree because parents have just as much responsibility to seek out and know their child and his/her experiences, worries, fears, strengths, challenges, etc. Parents can and should (and many do) work alongside teachers to change the world. It should never be all on us (I’m sure you didn’t intend that with your statement, but it needs to be said sometimes).
God bless you, and God bless that teacher!
As a parent, I couldn’t agree more – and posted as much about 4 comments below yours. We can’t leave everything up to the schools! Parenting is KEY!
Thanks for reinforcing that!
I agree and also said similar below. It’s parents, teachers, neighbors, coaches, ect. We are all in this together and we all mold the future.
Yeah, but here’s the thing…not every kid is lucky enough to have awesome parents. Or even parents. But most kids DO get to go to school.
It is a valid point, Sharon. It’s a rare case that they’re raising themselves, though. There is generally an adult involved in some capacity. All of us have a responsibility to set a good example for any and all children day-to-day. I’m not an awesome parent. I daily make tons of mistakes like everyone else. The point is to attempt it. Some parents don’t – and think it’s solely the responsibility of the schools.
Amazing!! I pray teachers all over the country read this and adapt this in their own productive way!
Although we touch on skill level during teacher conference, I’m always more interested in how they are treating their classmates. I want to know if they are enjoying their time at school and feel comfortable. Without this your mind is elsewhere and nothing else can be gained.
As a teacher for 17 years, I found that most parents wanted to know if their child had friends, if they were able to fit in and contribute to the class and if they were happy at school.
OMG!!!! This is an awesome story!!! Tears are rolling down my face right now, and to tell you the truth I don’t want to wipe them away because of the feeling I just now experienced. MY HEART is jumping out of my skin!!!! It is just AMAZING someone took the extra time to figure out the loniness, sadness some of the kids go through at school, and does affect their learning. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for saying that the Test Scores shouldn’t be so stressful on the children. Some teachers are making the kids so nervous about taking the test they are freaking out and probably not doing their best under all the pressure the teachers are putting on them. They are suppose to be trying to find out what they know and will continue to know in the future not for just one day…TEST DAY!!!!
THANKS
Truly inspiring! From a mother of a child with Autism and the stigmas and everything that goes along with that…I can’t explain how important it is to have teachers that put their heart into their job. My son has done a 180 from the beginning of the school year…this is because his teacher is involved in implementing ideas to get him involved and interacting with his peers…because she has been coaching the other students as to why my son is different and how everyone should be tolerant and respectful. She has given him her time. She has given my son confidence – and for that I can’t thank her enough.
Yes – this is great – and I’d love to see it implemented in schools everywhere. I just have a problem with a statement near the end of this story:
“We don’t care about the damn standardized tests. We only care that you teach our children to be Brave and Kind…”
Folks – we have to teach our OWN children to be Brave and Kind. It starts at home and should be REINFORCED at school. The schools are not in charge of training our children in quality behaviors – WE are. The parents. Kids are bound to be kids, but true bullies would not be so if behavior training started at home.
Just my two cents. Bravo to this teacher, regardless.
Bravo to you! I wish more parents felt that way. People don’t understand that bullying behavior starts in the home.
Oh you are so right – I read that line and thought the same thing. Parents need to step up and take responsibility for raising their children with solid values and a solid sense of who they are and what is important in life. My kids are all grown and starting their own families and I will make sure they remember this and how they were raised but, judging from the one who already has a little one, I won’t need to. You see, if you do it yourself and start right away when they are tiny, your teachers won’t have to do anything other than reinforce what you’ve planted in them.
When children are accepted they do better on their school work. One of my elementary school teachers ( 60 years ago) would have a child that was acting up move to the front of the room and then whisper to that child that he/she was not being punished but was sitting up front because he/she was special and the teacher needed some special help that day. Being “special” and cared about changed behavior. Chases’s teacher, and my teacher, were exceptional in understanding how important self-esteem is to creating responsible adults.
I had teachers like that when I was young. Those were the teachers who all the children loved and respected and they are few these days. It doesn’t take as much time to be kind as it does to be hateful.
I always love your posts but today’s is the most powerful thing I have EVER read. I have forwarded it to my two daughters’ schools and have reposted for others to share with their schools. I hope this “goes viral” and schools start to encorporate this in their curriculm! THANK YOU
My children have been blessed, at different times, with teachers who take to their classrooms with a passion to nurture a child. It’s amazing and I am so grateful for the professionals like them and Chase’s teacher mentioned in this article. However, I do take issue with the position used in summary of the article “the best and ONLY hope we’ve got for a better world.” I have always viewed education as a team sport. Learning doesn’t start and end in the classroom any more than molding a good citizen starts and ends at home. My children are surrounded by first responders in and out of the school. They are surrounded by champions who provide that first line defense and hope for a better tomorrow. It’s here in our own as parents. It’s their grandparents. It’s their teachers. Their Scout leaders. Their youth group leaders and pastors. It’s their sports coaches. It’s their volunteer that runs the programs at the local park. It’s the camp director. It’s the parent of their friends and school mates. Everywhere their is an adult in relation to a child, there is someone that can make a difference. I think the broader problem is that we are too ready to pass the buck and assign responsibility to one group and one group along. WE are ready to place it at the feet of the feet of parents, solely. OR to say these teachers are our only and best hope. WE forget that our children are influenced daily by all of us and by each other and that ANY Of us can make the difference. I think teachers who see their classrooms as more than just a place to learn math, reading and writing (and so on) are gems. But they are hardly alone.
Glennon,
I have decided today, after a few years of regularly reading your posts, that you are a journalist of the highest order. You are what I wish our “media” would be – you find the big stories, the important things happening out in the world, and you share them with a wide audience in words that are captivating, honest, and loving. God bless you, and thanks for taking the place of my morning NY Times visit. 🙂
This article was very difficult to read because MY child is the lonely child and I don’t think anyone at her school sees or cares. It is very frustrating and I am going to share this with them. Thank you, Glennon and thank you to that amazing teacher. I wish there were more like her.
Print this article and bring it to your child’s school. Seriously.
Maggie,
If you can–if your child has an interest, if you have the means, if there is a program available–get your child involved in music. As a former lonely kid, and wife to an Elementary Instrumental Music Teacher who was also a lonely kid, I cannot tell you how much music – band for me, band for my husband, choir for my brother – changed my life. CHANGED. MY. LIFE. I was never the best, but I felt like I had a place where I could belong and where I could be accepted for me. I started in fourth grade, and played until I graduated from college. I have considered Ravens Band (NFL) just to stay involved. I found lifelong friends (I’m still friends with band kids from elementary school!). I had amazing teachers. I eventually found my husband. You just belong. I’m sitting at my desk crying because I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would have become if I had not started playing in band. It’s so “nerdy”, but it is so true.
I also want to say that my husband, as I mentioned above, is an elementary instrumental music teacher. If there is a child in one of his schools (he has four schools, all title I, all low income/80-90% FARMS schools) that is having challenges-whether it be with behavior, withdrawal, difficulty at home, even special ed students- the homeroom teacher and principal put him in my husband’s class if the child isn’t already enrolled. I can’t even tell you how many of his students have experienced a complete turn around all because of band. (I am a VERY PROUD wife.) Whether it be band, choir, or theater, arts programs give kids an outlet to not only be themselves, but the opportunity to communicate with others, be a team, and give them a sense of belonging. I won’t even go on about the increased math and reading skills that the arts provide, but the togetherness and belonging, is exactly what your child may need to thrive.
I’m very sorry that your daughter is unfortunately not supported at school, and that she’s lonely. My heart really does ache for her–I know how she feels. But remember, she does have you. And you are her wonderful, caring advocate who loves her.
Good luck to you and to your daughter–and hugs. Big, giant, band nerdy hugs.
Hello. I am a Columbine High School shooting survivor. I am 33 now. I was a senior when the shooting happened. I grew up with Dylan and knew him from the third grade when I moved to Littleton. I did not know Eric as well. I think it is great that the teacher is actively surveying her classroom and getting help for kids who need it. This is a great system.
There is one thing that has always bothered me, and it is something that is frequently mentioned in the media–the bullying. The idea that Dylan and Eric were horribly bullied until the point they “snapped.” As if my classmates and I were mean and pushed them to the point of shooting up our school. As if we are somehow responsible.
It’s not true. They were never bullied. They were well-known and had many friends. They ran our high school news program. They were in the honors and AP classes. I actually have memories of Dylan bullying another student–HE was the bully–because he had diabetes, and I remember several other students standing up for my diabetic classmate. My classmates and I did NOT deserve what happened to us.
I sat behind Dylan in sophomore english. He was quiet and distant. Throughout the semester, I tried to talk to him and was friendly. He acted arrogant. I have replayed these conversations in my mind over and over again. I have come to the decision that there is nothing I could have done or no way that I could have known what was to come.
It’s good that the teacher has this system to identify bullied children. I wonder what we can do to identify kids like Dylan and Eric–kids who fit in and have friends, but are mentally ill and very good as hiding the mental illness.
Thanks for sharing this, Jennifer. It’s very helpful to hear from someone who knows. I think that much of the school-shooting type violence we see comes from the kids who do the bullying — so maybe the system works well in reverse. By identifying the bullying, maybe we can intervene with a bully before it explodes in this way. (Though I agree that some things can’t always be fixed.)
thank you for sharing that, Jennifer.
Jennifer, thanks for sharing your story. I think it’s so easy for people, in fear, to look for the easy answer – the things they think we can fix – instead of looking at the tough reality. Tragedies like Columbine and Sandy Hook, and all the others, should tell us that mental health needs to be a serious issue that we address and not ignore. that sometimes bad things happen at the hands of ill people – and that we should not try to explain their actions as being the fault of others.
Your statement is powerful, informative and moving. I’m sorry you had to go through such a horrible time. We all remember that day and those of us who had children in school wanted to run and go get them and never send them back. This essay is great but you bring an amazing perspective to it all. Mental illness is like a shadow, sometimes it is obvious and sometimes it is invisible. Thank you for posting.
Jennifer,
I’m sure this was such a horrific time for you. Thank you for commenting. It must have been an even deep wound when the blame was put on other students.
What a shame that the blame has been put on you and other students. Almost as if to say the victims deserved it.
We have no idea when someone is going to “snap”. We hear about it everyday. People who seem fine and carry on their life as if nothing is wrong. Then, for seemingly no reason, they do the unthinkable. How are we to know? Why does the blame get passed around? Our society has this inherent need to point the finger, find who ultimately caused this awful ending.
I believe you. Some people are mentally ill and hide it well, either intentionally or not.
My heart goes out to you and your classmates, the parents, teachers. Bless you and be well.
God Bless you Jennifer.
It is not identifying the bullies. It is the need to spot and help the lonely, the disenfranchised, the angry, the resentful, the socially isolated, and any child who appears outside the norm and give them help before the even reach high school…you and you friends did nothing wrong and certainly were undeserving victims…It is an unstable society we live in and the earlier we humanize it for the little ones,
the fewer incidents will occur later.
Thank you, Jennifer, for your insight. This was a touching article, but I did find myself questioning whether it would prevent another Columbine. I think that this teacher has been doing a wonderful thing in her classroom, but if we want to stop school shootings (and I realize that this is stepping away from the intent of the Friday note plan), then parents need to be held responsible when their minor children use their guns. Kids can get other guns, that is for sure, but their MUST be some accountability for people who CHOOSE to have violent weapons in their house.
Jennifer,
Thank you for your comment. This puts a more realistic perspective on this article. I’m a teacher, and I can honestly say that the system this woman has created, though commendable and with good-intent, isn’t necessary. It doesn’t take long for a teacher to spot the issues out in a classroom. The lonely students, the bullies, the socially awkward, the ones that struggle keeping friends. Anyone that has a good ear and knows something about child psychology and body language can pick it out. The system this woman has created completely ignores several elements. Not all children come from happy homes. Home life can have detrimental effects on a child’s self image, mental health and social life. This system she has created may help students to a degree. But for those that have bigger problems, like you said, mental issues or family issues it’s a band-aid fix. What about next year? Will the children that struggle social now, fair well next year? For some, the system could be life changing. But your kidding yourself if you think it’s going to help a child with bigger life issues that they have no control over. A monster (depression, psychotic disorder, mood disorder) on your back with no medical treatment is not going to be cured by being socially accepted. Some students do need medical intervention. Teachers are educators. Not mental health practitioners. This article misleads people into thinking that all a child needs is a little love. True for many. Not for all. As a teacher one of the hardest things you encounter is children you know are being abused at home (by their behavior at school) but you have no way of proving it. You try to make their time at school the best part of their day. It’s heartbreaking to think about what they go home to. I agree with you completely. There are many people that aren’t socially accepted. But this isn’t the cause of situations like Columbine. Many people that are bullied at school, do constructive things with their lives, and the bullying has helped them build character. I have a friend that was teased of a medical illness for years. She said it made her a stronger more compassionate person. I in no way support bullying, but I don’t like how society has gone into thinking that this is the primary cause of these kinds of situations. It’s not. Any person willing to cause harm to people and kill people is suffering from some kind of illness and needs treatment.They most likely suffer a kind of depression as well. Teachers do spot this. Parents do too. Teachers have not much say in a child’s medical treatment. Parents do. There needs to be more awareness for parents of what illness is and what to do about it.
I would just like to say that I am sorry that you were in the middle of one of the greatest tragedies America has known. I am sorry that blame has also been attached to you for the supposed “bullying” of these two boys.
But I just want you to know that I did read the book “Columbine,” mainly because i am a teacher and I wanted to understand what happened. I KNOW now that bullying was not an issue that caused these boys to “snap.” The leader was psychotic AND the police had a file on him for a year and did nothing to proactively deal with this kid. That is where one of the many faults lie in the situation. But bullying WASN’T the issue.
I think media and the nation wanted something much easier to blame and deal with than a boy who was mentally ill with no chance at rehabilitation.
Yes, bullying is a terrible thing, but we have many more children in our “system” who have mental illness–and no best practices yet to deal with it all.
I just wanted you to know that many of us do know the truth of it.
Peace to you and yours,
J.
this is awesome!!!
So beautiful. Shared with my school and thank you for reminding me to look out for those (children and adults) that are lost and lonely. I always look forward to your beautiful writing and you continue to amaze me with not only your talent but your courage to tell the truth.
Encourage this Amazing Woman to go into politics, School Board, City Council, State Representative, Governor…
Love this for many reasons.
Thank you for lifting up a teacher. As a former teacher myself, I know how hard and thankless it all can be. Until you walk in the shoes of another, you don’t really know. I can’t tell you how many times I would hear a comment like, “must be nice to get summers off,” when in reality my life was consumed by my profession. Teachers do hard things. All. the. time.
I love this idea too! I would like to complete the whole picture. After this intuitive teacher identified these at risk children how did she make them less lonely, gain friends and become more socialized? I am really curious as to how a teacher could do this?
Yes, I would like to know also to complete the story.
Yes, please share. Also, what happens when the children eventually figure out what is going on?
That is awesome. Awesome. I wonder if it would be all right for me to use that technique in the fiction trilogy I’m writing for tween girls called Mean Girl Makeover (Thomas Nelson Publishing). What do you think? I want people to know about this as part of the So Not Okay anti-bullying movement that will surround the books. By the way, you’re a wonderful writer. Nancy Rue
Don’t use it in your book. Then it will be general public knowledge. Then it would lose its effectiveness in the hands of caring teachers who try to use it in the classroom.
Even better, with your creative mind (which you have, your book title is very interesting) you may come up with a new scenario.
How could it possible by BAD that it become general public knowledge? On the contrary, it should be discussed in ALL schools.
I found myself thinking the same thing throughout all of this. Bill, if this becomes common knowledge among the kids, they won’t give honest answers. Some will be smart enough/mean enough to try to game the system, and that will sabotage it.
I think “don’t use it in a book –for tweens–,” b/c then the children will figure out a way to cheat/game it, if it is used.
It’s funny, I thought this article was going to start out as a ‘common core’ basher or protector, but after reading for a few minutes, my heart melted with pride and hope in the actions this teacher has taken in her classroom. We absolutely don’t have enough teachers these days that invest in student’s lives. I fear that the reason for this is because of our ‘teaching to the test’ standards that disable a teacher’s ability to go farther then just teaching the ABC’s and 123’s in the classroom. Wonderful tribute to teachers who really care! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you SO MUCH. As a high school teacher and mother, you have both invigorated my detective skills and affirmed what we do every day. I appreciate this post and parents like you. And I appreciate my children’s teachers as well.
As a teachers assistant I see so many children shunned for various reasons that have no meaning! Children cannot help the way they are brought up. How they have to live. But so many have to live with the laughter and name calling, and yes the most important loneliness!! Not being accepted ! I admire the teacher that took out the time each week to correct this problem! If more teachers would put their heats into teaching, all students not just the high society kids, (in fear of not making a name for themselves) and treating all students equal! I think school would be a lot better place to learn for everyone!
This is the most inspring respected teacher story I have read in a long time. kudos for thinking outside the box. Every child should feel important and respected and loved.
Love this! Thank you for taking the time to write and share this… 🙂
I just cried! My little boy needed so much help at school that I could not give and instead of acting like he was a problem, his teacher loved him where he was at, got him the help he needed and I love knowing that he is happy in her classroom. I could peak in anytime and find him in a happy place. Not all teachers deserve an applause, some teachers are looking for a way out of the system. There are a few who deserve a standing ovation.
Amazing. Best thing I’ve read on the internet in a long time – possibly ever. I wish I’d had this woman as a teacher when I was in elementary school.
Thank you for sharing this story.
I hope my grandchildren get teachers like this!!!!!
Wow, people…I’m so tired of this teacher=hero stuff. I respect and admire teachers for sure but my husband and I are teaching my children to be confident, kind, compassionate citizens. Parents, do your job and let the teachers do theirs–you know, reading, writing, and arithmetic?!
Well said. Exactly what I was thinking…..
As a former child/student, former teacher and former parent, don’t take for granted the amount of time children spend away from you and in school. I kept my parents in the dark about things happening to me at school for many years. You know who they weren’t in the dark from? The teachers. But in my case, none of them cared enough to do anything. This isn’t just a parenting problem. It’s a community problem, and that means everyone in the community needs to step up.
Ack, current parent I mean. Kids still here and well.
So everyone should do their job and nothing more? That is a sad message to send.
Unbelievable! What is it you are teaching your kids???? Your comment makes me laugh at the irony and is the reason we call teachers heroes and not parents like you.
Your kids are blessed to have you and your husband for parents and to teach them to be confident, kind, compassionate citizens. Many children are not so lucky. For many children the only safe place is school and often that isn’t very safe if the teachers don’t take notice like the teacher in this post. For many children the only kind words they ever hear come from the mouth of a teacher. Hug your children and be proud of your parenting but also thank a teacher for what they do for those who aren’t as blessed.
You are so right Nikki. So many children out there do not have amazing resources at home and it is so wonderful that there are other adults looking out for them.
I agree Shannon. This was esp. disturbing to me…
“We agreed that subjects like math and reading are the least important things that are learned in a classroom.”
In a classroom, is precisely where basic educational subjects should be the MOST important things learned. This is dangerous thinking where we begin to look to institutions to do for our children what the parents in this culture seem to have turned over to others from earliest childcare to college. No No No parents! Take your children back from the government institutions and stop making teachers be the heroes you should be.
Yes Shannon I agree that parents should do their jobs. But a truly caring teacher can make an enormous impact on a child’s life even with the best of parents. You can never have too many people loving and teaching your child. I am 57 years old and to this day I have teachers that I love because I know they cared.
Shannon, my son has autism. I wish the teachers took the time that this one did. He is never picked to play on a team at PE, no one wants him as a lab partner, he has never been invited to a birthday party or a sleepover, he is 13 years old. He cries sometimes so hurt and he doesn’t understand why he has no friends. His teachers did not help matters by excluding him from events because they did not know “what to do with him.” I took him out of school and started my own home school “school” and summer camp for kids just like him, now he is thriving because we do something similar to what this teacher does. We do it because we too….love
Oh, Robin, my heart goes out to you!! YES yes yes I have seen kids “on the spectrum” in a classroom and blanched at how kids sniggered (sometimes out of meanness sometimes out of their own insecurity/youthful ignorance) and the teacher IGNORED them–maybe for the reason you said maybe because they’re in the WRONG PROFESSION or in it for the wrong reasons (moms who just want summers off, I’m talking to you.) I know that autistic kids can be included in regular classrooms but they definitely need a teacher who is willing to do a little more.
I agree with you, Shannon, that teaching children to be good parents should be a parent’s responsibility, but unfortunately,some parents do NOT do their job and and raise “confident, kind, compassionate citizens”. Do you know that some teachers have had to teach students to say “Please” and “Thank you”, because they genuinely have not been taught that at home? Or that I’ve had students who use the F-bomb in every sentence because that’s how everyone at home talks? Or that I’ve had to teach students that no, you can’t beat someone up if you don’t like them! You talk to the parents about it and, at best, you get indifference, at worst, you get aggression. In those situations, who is going to pick up the slack, if not teachers?
Shannon,
You must of been ‘that’ child that was overlooked. If a child does not feel worthy …they do not feel worthy of others. That is why violence and bullying is such a problem. The gift of learning and teaching is a by-product of human value.
@ Shannon.
Wow….I’m surprised at your comment. I never respond to comments but I couldn’t help.
Unfortunately a lot of kids may not be taught confidence, kindness or to be a compassionate citizen at home. Hence why there are a lot of bullies in the school system or even “shooters”. Or parents are blind by their child’s life that they don’t notice they are getting bullied at school. Why not help out a child that would need it?
Yes, I would consider her a hero…what’s wrong with that? I wish a lot of schools and teachers learn from this!
And I hope your child doesn’t need this type of help at school….god forbid. You would not want a hero to help her/him.
Cheers!
Wow! If what you are teaching your children is a reflection of your comments you should redefine your values. That teachers students are learning more math than most and learning to be better citizens, students, and people.
While in a way I agree with you, if you are sending your kids to school, you are giving someone else quite an influence over the lives and confidence of your children. Growing up in the South, it was important to me that my children said “yes, ma’am” and “no, sir” to their elders, but for all I did at home, my efforts were undone at school. Your children spend on average 35 hours a week at school…7 hours a day. Assuming you take and pick up your kids from school and they get up an hour before school and go to bed at 9 PM, that is the same amount of time they spend with you on a weekday. However, if they ride the bus or ride with a friend or if for any reason you don’t have them with you for every other moment of the day (which you probably don’t with sports, piano lessons, whatever), then they are spending more time at school than with you. Don’t kid yourself that they don’t have any influence. You better hope the influence is good. This is a beautiful story of a teacher you wanted to make a difference, in a way parents simply can’t because we are unfortunately not a part of their “social” world. Were your parents a part of yours?
Some kids DON’T have engaged/involved parents. Some do. Regardless, I am thankful for ANY positive adult in my child’s life. There are more things learned in a classroom than reading, writing and math. I learned about civil rights, environmentalism and the concept of integrity from my 5th grade teacher and I am forever thankful.
All kids aren’t so lucky and wouldn’t you like rather they learn it from someone and be kind than to be left out and lonely? How does doing what she does take away from teaching other things?
In the same vein of “it takes a village …”, all adults who interact regularly with with youth play a variety of roles. We do not compartmentalize. Parents are the main shapers of character, self-esteem and behavior, yet they certainly play key roles in synthesizing information. Educators are tasked with the formal learning process yet unquestionably play strong supporting roles in character development. The teacher in this story appears to have mastered the art of teaching and I assume she is using the patterns she notices to be a more effective teacher while fostering a more positive climate in her classroom.