I sent this article to my husband. I’m a sahm homeschooling my 8 year old, while my preschooler goes to public school. Here is his reply back after reading this. I think you will agree, “he got it”:
“Thanks…for sending it to me. It’s very eye-opening, revealing, reminding, educational and encouraging. I don’t know that many guys are given or taught this insight. We don’t always (seldom actually) know what to say and/or ask our wives. We do want to understand and help support you, but haven’t learned how to communicate on the emotional level with you. Sometimes we’re so intimidated, that we only tip toe into the worthy questions (for fear of what may surface). With the other guys we can start with surface questions and maybe eventually lead into more depth. But guys can build bonds from just spending time together without much meaningful conversation…at least initially. But this article really helps to see why those same types of questions just don’t cut it with our wives. So I will definitely make note of the suggested questions and try to be more effective with how/what I ask you…because I really do love you with all my heart. And I want you to know that I absolutely appreciate all that you do and the sacrifices that you make for our family.
BTW…I’ve heard that eating or drinking soap may produce fart bubbles. So be advised :)”

THANK YOU! I’m a student of the art of excellent questioning, b/c it’s not something I was encouraged in as a child, so the questions you put here are music to my soul! Will implement immediately! THANK YOU! GOD BLESS YOU!

Really?

I’d rather have “How was your day?” than “What did you do all day?!” I can answer the first one. Sure it would be a huge, run on sentence, just as the author says, not making a lot of sense and not having a solution at all, but I can answer it. Whereas “What did you do all day?!” I have no idea. You can’t tell that I cleaned, you can’t tell that I cooked, especially when the kids complain that they didn’t have any lunch. Hey, sandwiches, hard boiled eggs, and celery sticks were on the table for two+ hours, if you didn’t choose to eat them, then it isn’t my fault! You can’t tell that I did laundry, other than the fact that there are 20 diapers hanging to dry over the tops of doors. The toys and floors sure aren’t picked up. The kids, who are all homeschooled, can’t find their homework and don’t remember doing it. It’s my word against the world’s. I know my husband thinks that I’m a big fat liar!

As a mom of three tiny, messy bundles of cuteness, you have managed to write EXACTLY what goes through my mind everyday. Thanks for doing the hard work of making my ‘feelings’ and ‘thoughts’ into words. I’m reading them to my husband ASAP. Then I’m going to blow his mind with some of those meaningful questions. He’s going to think, “wow my wife is so smart!” And then, “why is she being so weird” Your the bomb.

I was laughing and tearing up when I read this. I have six children ranging in age from 4-20 and I have felt this way the last 10 years I have been able to be at home and/or work form home. It was so spot on for a day in the life of a parent at home with the kids. I work from home and love and hate my ability to be with the kids all of the time throughout any given day but it is hard to explain that to the hubby. You did an excellent job of it though. Thank you!

I think you are spoiled. You are complaining about your children’s mild demands. I would have given anything to stay home with my child instead of going off to work and listen to stranger’s bitching.

This was one of the most beautifully written, relevant blog posts I have ever read. It opened my eyes to a new way of thinking. Thank you SO much for writing it!
Sincerely,
Rachelle

I needed this today more than I needed air. Thank you. This is everything I didn’t have the words for.

I am a husband who leaves and comes home the exact same way as this article and I will never ask my wife again how was your day that was a tremendous read and hit home for me. More of these articles please

My husband gets whiplash at how often I change my mind about having another child, so I laughed out loud about your wanting to adopt four more – then wanting to give the ones you already have up for adoption 5 minutes later!

But seriously, this was so spot-on. I’m going to share it with my husband and try to ask better questions.

Your description of a SAHM is perfect. I long for a few minutes alone but then can’t wait for naps to be over. Lol, thank you for sharing!

Thank you Glennon. I inherently knew this, but it wasn’t until you put it in your “Glennon way” that it really struck home for me. I know that I don’t ask enough caring, personal questions of my spouse, yet I totally see how it makes a difference. Same with my sweet girls. In addition, THANK YOU for providing examples. I need something to go on sometimes, you know?

I understand you’re in Austin, my home, speaking at MomCom. I went last year and it was great. Good luck! I know you are going to blow those ladies away!

I honestly would have been happy if I’d just been asked “how was your day?”

Pweach, Mama. 🙂 You may find it as amusing to know as I did, that my husband saw this before I did and had me read it in front of him. Started some great conversations. Thank you.

I just love reading your blog! Our family needs to work on asking the right questions and then listening. Thank you so much for the insight. We are definitely doing this!

Thank you Glennon: I am going thru a difficult time in my life right now, and it’s been very taxing on my relationship. I’ve developed debilitating arthritis, I had a heart attack last year, and these combined have served to push me out of a 15-year career. I’m 49 and too young to retire and am in a career crisis. Your sentence “But I’d be a little sad because love is about really being seen and known and I wasn’t being seen or known then” really hit home with me. I can’t say that anyone has ever phrased it in such a way that really described my feelings about love and commitment. Thank-you for your insightful questions to help build feelings in a relationship. I’ve saved them and will use them. (They may also help me communicate with my reticent 21 year old).

I never feel so hopelessly simple as when my family asks me what is new in my life…and I have been doing the same thing for 14 years. “How are you”, is complex when you live for little people 24 hrs a day. After all co workers care about your feelings and you get a lunch break. (not to mention you get paid) littles don’t care if you are making dinner for them when they poop on the couch. It’s not really their problem. Thanks for the perspective.

Your description of staying at home with the kids was so apt, it took my breath away! (Especially the part about putting the baby down and then wanting to hold her again!) Thank you for helping me feel less alone and crazy today!

I love the last bit, that “Questions are like gifts.” Perfect. Thank you!

You know, maybe just ONE LITTLE TASTE of dishwashing detergent would have ended that dilemma forever.

This really spoke to me….how can one explain being trapped at home willingly with children? It’s beyond lonely, yet we are not allowed to voice our frustrations or we would be viewed as bad mothers. Being a good mother does not mean that you have to enjoy every moment of it – that’s being a saint, which is vastly different.
Thank you for this honest and beautiful piece of your heart.

I’m pretty sure you sneaked into my house before you wrote this, as the scenario of your husband coming in, the baby putting her (in my case, his) hand in your mouth while one is screaming from the bathroom about pooping and the middle one is crying in the corner happens a few times a week in our home. I really thank you for this article. I feel NORMAL right now…which doesn’t happen a lot. It’s a lonely existence, where you’re surrounded by people that you love and that love you back. Weird way to live, huh?

I loved the Love Languages book but find the concept frustrating. I identified my love language as Words of Affirmation and thus this post resonates with me. However, I am dating a “silent Sam,” who is perfectly happy spending Quality Time with me. His love language is being spoken but mine is not. Big surprise….I’m never sure of his feelings and feel lonely much of the time.

G ~ I look your blogs, but I think I love this one the best!!! As always, thanks so much for sharing your heart and all that you are learning!

Wow, I love this. I am currently in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, and the communication problems for the first few months were out the roof. He’d ask me about my day and I would talk about things people said to me, what I heard, etc, and he would get upset because he wanted to know what *I* did, how *I* felt, and to open up in an intimate way. Because of the way he asked the questions, I did not know, and it took me a while to figure out how to answer the questions in a way that I wasn’t caught up on the facts but the feelings. Even so, I often feel like our conversations are just recaps of our actions of the day, and I’ve struggled with how to be a more meaningful listener and how to establish that intimacy over a phone or skype chat. Because really when we’re so far apart right now all we have are words.
I am definitely going to work on incorporating these types of questions into our daily conversations. They really capture what I want to know about his day but before have not had the right words to know how to ask for them. Thanks for the thoughtful article!

Wonderful essay! Thank you, Glennon! I relate to this in so many ways — as a mother of many tiny ones, as a wife, and as a person with a deep need to connect on meaningful level. My husband and I have found these Five Questions (from todaysletters.com) to be super helpful to us, and we try to make them part of our Sundy evening each week:
1. How did you feel loved this week?
2. What does your upcoming week look like?
3. How would you feel most loved and encouraged in the days ahead?
4. How would you feel best pursued in sex/intimacy this week?
5. How can I pray for you this week?

“Questions are like gifts” …. LOVE THIS. My beautiful rugrats are 16, 19 and I wish I could have some of those carpool moments back, you’re right they don’t know “how their day was” … thanks for this lovely 2014 perspective, this is going in the journal!

John Wesley (founder of Methodism) would say to each of his weekly class meetings (think small group), “How is it with your soul?” It always struck me as a thoroughly modern ice breaker for the late 1700s. It’s a beautiful way to check in with someone. Of course,it has to be asked in the right setting. If someone ran up to me in The frozen food aisle and asked that it would freak me out.

I’m bookmarking these questions for later use. Glad to have another update to my check in question arsenal. Thanks. When I read them they touched me deeply.

I am flabbergasted. I always ask my son about his day and while I try to ask questions he will actually answer, they’re not like this. So I gave it a try. I asked him when he felt loved or cared for during his school day and at first he laughed and said its school (as in he doesn’t experience those things at school. It’s middle school, so yeah, not a lot of warm and fuzzy.) THEN he said he actually did feel those things when he saw Sharon. Then he told me about Sharon. She’s a girl he used to pass in the hallway at the same time every day last year. She started saying hi to him and they started talking to each other each day. They don’t like each other (like that, I’m told). They’re just sort of…hallway buddies. They don’t see each other everyday this year, but they pass each other a few days a week.
I have a few thoughts about this.
1. This girl has been meaningful to my son for OVER A YEAR and I’ve never heard of her?? I am a failure and I’m terrified of what else I don’t know. My son and I are pretty close for a teenage boy/mom relationship.
2. There is a person that my son sees on a fairly regular basis who he connects to, who builds him up, who provides him a sense of comfort in the chaos that is middle school. I appreciate that so, so much.
3. I gotta ask more questions!
Thank you!

This is the dumbest thing I have read on the internet today. Asking “How was your day?” to your spouse is a completely different question than when posed to some random stranger on the street. If you don’t know how to answer it with a detailed lengthy response, that’s on you. My husband doesn’t even have to ask me, it’s obvious that in the evening we will both share the pertinent parts of our day, however they presented themselves (loneliness, frustration, having spaghetti on your pjs, whatever).

I read this the first time, and I thought, “YES!” But then, I came back (so I could get the link to send to my husband), and I read it again. And the second time, I thought, “YES! But, also maybe a little no.” Because, I absolutely love G’s description of how you can feel when you spend your day as a mom, I think the idea of asking the right questions is brilliant, and I really think the example questions here about feelings and needs could completely transform the way we know and understand the people in our lives.
However, I think when you ask someone a specific question about something they’ve previously shared with you, you have to be very thoughtful. Sometimes, when someone asks me that kind of question, I feel like the other person has just jumped out and yelled, “BOO”. What if I didn’t want to even THINK about that right now, let alone talk about it with you? Are you asking because you care about me, or because you want to prove that you’re a good listener? Do we both have enough time and attention to actually address this subject?
I once dated someone who would ask lots of specific questions (his father was a psychiatrist). I remember one day in particular where we sat down to dinner and he said, “How’s your boss?” If he’d said, “How was your day?” or “How’s work? there were several things that I would have welcomed the chance to share. But, that specific question left me struggling to keep the conversation going because I had absolutely nothing new to say on the topic. Strings of questions like these left me feeling like a poor conversationalist, and left him feeling like he had to really dig to get me to say anything. Which was ridiculous because when we weren’t stuck in these question ruts, we had wonderful conversations.
Anyway, I’m just throwing this out there (even though I passionately agree with most of what’s here), because I think a lack of complete consensus encourages new ideas and openness 🙂

Like this… BUT…. sometimes it depends on where you start, right? My husband came from a family that just really didn’t talk. They sat at dinner and ate — no conversation at all. When they did talk, they talked about sports scores, or games the kids participated in, but no meaningful conversations. (My family was the opposite — almost TOO much talking!) So… I’ve had to get to the point where him asking about my day is progress. I’m actually THRILLED when he says, “How WAS your day?” I think his head might explode if I told him, “no, ask me how I FELT about my day.” LOL Maybe something to aspire to…. for now, I will take the small changes he is trying to make because he loves me and the kids that much. Thanks for your words…. enjoy reading what you write!

My favorite post to date. And I love your posts.
Thank you…….probably too generic, but thank you anyway:)

Glennon, I agree with this completely. It’s so important to ask worthy questions, especially if you want truth filled, enlightening answers. With that in mind, I ask this: How do you reignite the conversation when the same old questions have stopped being asked? What can you say, after years and years of silence have passed, despite the growing mountain of damaged emotions buried deep beneath a pile of shattered heart pieces just screaming to be tenderly, carefully put back together? Just wondering…

Sorries if this is a redundant comment. Sometimes, when I am asked, “how are you?” I give an answer that more times than not renders a deer-in-the-headlight stance because the asker was not anticipating truth telling and just really needed to hear the pat response of “I’m good, and you?” to move on with her agenda, or better yet, to tell her tale. My point: We need Mama/Papa Monkee Truth-Tellers AND Listeners. Holding hands with you all.

I liked this. I have always done this. I’m a question asker. Guess what? My family is so used to it that they get annoyed at every question I ask. I never get a sincere answer.

So good, Glennon! I love all these questions. We do this with our children, usually asking them where they practiced compassion or inviting them to share with us a story about something interesting that happened to them today, but the lonely and proud ones are never ones that occurred to me. I’ll definitely have to try them out!

Also, my husband and I have gotten into the “How was your day” rut. We work trade-off schedules, where he’ll go into an office for half a day and then we high-five it on the way in and out the door, and we meet again for dinner…so we both get the kids and all the overwhelm that comes with it. So we can both get to feeling like our days are a little hard to explain. These questions and others like them would help open that conversation to an even greater depth.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

Thanks for sharing your wisdom and insight, Glennon. This is very useful advice.

Glennon, this is a wonderful essay and speaks to so many of us. I am particularly finding the focus on the questions to be really intriguing. In my own life I have been focusing on the ANSWERS – I try to give really honest, open answers to friends even when they are asking basic questions like how are you? I thought that this was a way to become closer with them and help them to know me better. But your essay makes me think that it’s a two way street, you do have to be honest with people to whom you are close when they ask you questions, but also you need to be honest and open with the questions you ask them. Thanks for flipping it around for me!

This is one of the most brilliant and poignant articles I’ve ever read on relationships. All kinds of relationships. Thank you for writing it.

Ahhh yes.

What a lovely way to start my day… thank you for sharing. I am printing your list of questions! I study and teach Nonviolent Communication (TM) and am excited to add these to my life and my teaching!

Deborah (aka Tawanda Bee)

Thank you.
Shine on, honey.
Shine on.

Oh Glennon! This was SO GREAT! And you’re right. I only say “how are you” when I don’t know what else to say. And sometimes I say it and then immediately add “Are you feeling any better now that you have that Zofran?” or “Did you and the kids enjoy the playdate with those new mommies you met?” or “How is your tooth healing now that it’s been a few days sinc ehte surgery?” I find myself TRYING to think of those specific things to ask. Because “how are you” is what I ask the checkout clerk at Lowe’s. It should be what I ask my mother or my best friend or my son’s teacher. 🙂 This post is a fave. I think if everyone tried to ask more specific things, we’d all tune into each other’s lives more, and we’d all try harder to be present with one another, more selfless, more interested. I think we’d all feel more heard and more cared for. Wouldn’t it be grand? xoxo

Wow, I wish you’d written this several years ago. Seriously. I think if my soon-to-be-ex husband and I had tried this, maybe we wouldn’t be signing divorce papers tomorrow. Or maybe we would. Who knows. Whatever the case, I will absolutely commit this to memory so that, God willing, in my next relationship I ask the RIGHT and MEANINGFUL questions. Thank you Glennon. This is all kinds of wonderful.

Love this. All of it but especially the description of how it feels to be home all day, alone, with several small kids. That’s been my life for 10 years now. You summed it up perfectly. Sometimes it helps just knowing you’re not the only one sitting on the floor in your pjs at 3pm consumed by the stuff & the noise & the happy & sad & tired & neverending-ness of being home. The days stretch on forever but the years slip by much too fast.

So good. Loved this.
Your last few posts have some of your best yet.

Guess what???!!!??? I did something BRAVE today! And, I thought of you, Glennon, the whole time!
I went to the dentist! This was the FIRST time I have ever been in my ENTIRE life. We didn’t have the money when I was little. And, then fear kept me from going when I became an adult. The fear of the unknown and doing something for the first time is not my favorite. I have social anxiety and so the idea of picking up a phone and talking to a human being and making an appointment and then going into a new place and meeting new people and having those people all up in my business and sticking their hands in my mouth——just NO!!

But, I knew that it needed to be done, and I thought of you the whole time. It was scary, but good–and I DID IT. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I imagined.

Fear of something is far often worse than the thing itself.

I guess I was blessed with really good teeth, because after 21 years without any dentist my teeth were totally healthy.

I do need my wisdom teeth pulled. 🙁 But, that is happening in a month and I’m not letting myself think too much about it yet.

Anyways. I know it’s just a dentist, but I was excited and really proud of myself and I wanted to share it here. 🙂

G,
LOVED, LOVED, LOVED this post

xoxo
cathy

Yes, this. We slip into easy, familiar ruts. Grooves we’ve worked years to build, always with the intention to grow, end up keeping us from the climb we were so clearly set on. How simple it can be to shift in order to make sure that what we say makes a difference, not just sounds.

Everything you write speaks to my soul. Rarely has a post on this site not brought me tears because I think THIS! THIS is what I’m trying to say. THIS is what I’m feeling. Thank you…your words feel like a gift to me.

You are dead on here, friend. Love you.

This is beautiful and wise. Thank you, Glennon! YOU are a treasure.

The same goes with praise. My pastor used to say “You’re the best!” when I was a board member, no matter what I did. She said it to everyone. Plan an event: “You’re the best!” Send an email: “You’re the best!” During a meeting about communication styles, the board actually advised her that it wasn’t working. People want to know that you noticed, just as they do with your questions. She never learned, and I eventually moved on.

Okay I love this post. So many times, we get into a rut and by then end of the day when the Hubs FINALLY gets home from work we are generally in no mood to talk. Face it we have talked WAY too much and listened to Mickey Mouse clubhouse talk WAY too much… Maybe talking wouldn’t be so hard if we frame the questions right.

Also, since your book signing in Denver I have been plagued by this question ringing over and over in my head. How in the world do you get your signature to look so amazing. Did you have to take a class???? Seriously YOU ARE GIFTED!!

Love always, Lyndsey

Thank you. I needed this.

I think my husband and I should be paying you as much as we pay our therapist because we definitely get as much or more out of your posts as we do our therapy 🙂 We came to see you in Nashville and your energy stuck with us. Thank you for what you give to your readers and for helping us live a better life as parents and wives/husbands xoxo

I’ve been working on a sermon all day, about how the first thing Jesus says (in the gospel of John) is a question: “What are you looking for?” And how he just keeps asking questions, over and over again, all the way up to, “Do you love me?” which gives poor Peter a do-over from running away earlier. And I was feeling stuck on how to get a bunch of thoughts out of my head, when this article appeared on my news feed. It’s a gift. In a lot of ways. Thanks for the sermon help.

This is a gift. The best kind of gift…the one you really really need but didn’t know it. The kind that you open and can’t hide the excitement on your face gift. Thanks G! (high five hug combo!)

Thanks for this fantastic food for thought. Just what I needed this morning.

I loved this and wanted to share another important question. Every Sunday evening or Monday morning, my fiancee and I have gotten into the habit of asking each other, “What do you need from me this week?”

Sometimes it’s really tangible things, like oh help me clean up before we have guests over this weekend and other times it’s more like, extra affection and attention because I’m feeling overwhelmed.

It’s a great way for us to feel connected and be good partners to each other.

Glennon, you just struck a nerve. Add that to the twenty million nerves you’ve previous stricken, and what you have is a bawling, emotional mess of a student nurse in her final semester. Nursing is my gift just like writing is your gift. And while I naturally do it well, I always want to do even better. My instructors teach us a lot about assessment and asking the necessary questions. But what if I figured out a way to ask the necessary questions in a more loving and specific way? Thank you for the examples of questions and for leading me in a direction in which I can improve myself that much more this semester. Bless you, sister, as always.

Wow. that went right to the heart of me today. My husband and I have been in therapy since last April. Working on “seeing” each other again, and not just having side-by-side lives where we are lonely, angry, sad. This is such an amazing way to help change that. Things have gotten way better with us, but we’ve sort of hit a plateau, where it’s better but I still don’t know how much we see each other. My husband has a very, very hard time expressing emotions, while I just emote all over him and everything else (i.e. anger, sadness, depression, etc). I’m going to read this with him and bring it to our therapist. Maybe we can use this to start a deeper conversation, which is what I really am craving. Deeper, closer, relationships with a few, rather than superficial, shallow relationships with many. I hate the question “how are you?” You’ve given me some ideas on how to strike it from my repertoire. Thank you, amazing woman that you are.

Glennon, this is amazing. I work full time but am also with my 2 babies alone quite a bit as my husband has weird hours as an air traffic controller. I literally just told him yesterday that I was in a funk because I felt bored at home with them in the evenings and every day is the same wake, work, do the evenings by myself, and rinse and repeat. I am feeling so very lonely but overwhelmed at the same time. Last night my 2.5 year old saw your book sitting on our coffee table with your beautiful picture on the inside cover. She said “who’s dat, mommy” i told her “Glennon” she said “can I call her, I wanna talk to her” And I said “ME TOOOOOO” Just thought I’d share. Even my 2 year old wants to be your friend. 🙂

Thank you so much G! This exactly articulates what I’ve been trying to figure out for months. When asked “how was my day” by my husband, and I would rattle off all the things we DID, it just didn’t seem important. Too surface-y without anything real. I haven’t know for sure what I was really wanting until now… thank you! I’m excited to start asking more open, real questions, and looking forward to more open, real answers. Yay!

Absolutely loved this. Absolutely needed this. I am copying down these questions so I don’t forget. Thank you for sharing this!

I love this! My family does something similar at dinner- rose and thorn. What was the rose part of your day (the good things) and what were the thorn parts of your days (the not so good parts). It has really drawn out good conversations with the entire family

Oh my goodness- the mail!!! My husband takes at least 10 minutes (it seems) to get the mail, and if I get it first, he still wanders over and checks the box.
Interesting thing about your questions, I always ask my friends pointed, specific things about their lives. But I’m more likely to ask my husband how was your day-type questions. I need to make some changes there. And I have been asking the kids how their day was, but then following up with specifics, but your point is well made. I need to narrow focus so they can answer better than “good.” Because I do, really, want to know. Thanks.

So simple and so true! Think how relationships could improve by asking others the more specific questions, so they know they really do matter. Let’s put your kind thoughts and ideas together with Pope Francis’ kind thoughts and ideas and, oh, what a wonderful world it would be.

True. “How are you?” is a great icebreaker for people you’re just starting know but for people you are very close with it’s kind of cheap. Really good post.

Are you feeling like a master communicator? Well you should, because yes you are Miss G! “Miss” because I think that I’m old enough to be your mother – 55, am I right? Another gold star for you sweet girl!

I have tried this, Glennon – not regularly enough or well enough – but so often any kind of question about his day gets me “it was fine. I went to meetings.” Followed by a sentence or two (maybe) about specific programs the agency is working on.

When I ask him “better” questions, they may or may not elicit more than that, but if they are actually personal, as opposed to work-related, I most often get a blank stare or an “I don’t know.”

We’ve read The Five Love Languages, and he knows what mine is, but he continues to speak another one and then acts like he doesn’t get why I don’t feel completely loved. I don’t know what else to do. I want so badly to have a real conversation with him, but they are few & far between and like pulling teeth.

My heart is so full because I feel so known right now. Thank you for articulating this. Thank you for acknowledging life’s contradictions.

This is a big one for me. Asking the right questions. I get anxious and overwhelmed and I’m happy and sad and I want to share my thoughts but only if someone ASKS me to share my thoughts and only then if they ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. I need to open up more, without prompting, but also need to help my husband and friends understand that asking the right questions helps me so much. And I also want to learn to ask better questions of them.

LOVED this.

The 5 Love Languages is a great book for couples that struggle with this exact thing and more. It really helped me and my wife, we also have 3 little ones and she is a stay at home mom. Opened our eyes in terms of understanding eachother and how we feel love and what we can do to fill eachothers “love tanks”.

This reminds me of lyrics by Ani DiFranco – “If you don’t ask the right question, every answer seems wrong.” Love this post!

BTW Glennon, you met my dad, Brian McLaren, at Wild Goose Festival and he apparently told you that I sent him one of your blog posts (the one about your hill to die on). Small world and I’m glad he made the connection when he met you! I really enjoy your blog.

I so needed this today! Thank you so much!

This is great, Glennon. Thank you. My husband and I are working on this very thing and now I’ll start thinking about it with my kids as well.

This is an eye opener. We’ve been through some great couples counseling and we learned how to express how we feel and why and how to really listen to what the other is saying. But, I’ve never considered the actual questions we’re asking. I can tell you that the first question my husband asks (without fail) upon arrival home is “What do you want to do for dinner?” These will be a nice change!

On a side note, the more I read your blog the more I’m convinced you helped inspire Sara Barielles to write the song Brave. It just fits your message perfectly!

That was a lovely piece. I have felt very much the same many times.
But I don’t want to seem selfish, complaining or unreasonable.
So I say fine, because most of the time that’s what people want to hear.
But it all builds up inside until it’s even hard to see yourself and it’s just so lonely.

I’m finally going to the therapist. It’s helped me take a huge step in the right direction!

Thank you!

I sent this to my husband, printed some questions I’d like to ask (very short term memory!) and can’t wait to give it a go. Curious what my husband will ask (oh please do ask, husband). I’ll report back how its going. I better take notes so I remember. Thank you, my dear friend.

Yes! I love the answers I get when I ask the right questions!! I asked my kiddo “did you have a good day?” And either got a blank stare or a vague answer. So instead I started asking “Did anything make you feel…” questions and learned that my shy baby felt brave because he asked a teacher to help open a straw at lunch. Or proud because he made it three bars on the monkey bars… and it is amazing! And now he asks me “mommy did anything make you feel…” I love it!!! It is you that gave me that idea! Now I want to try your questions with my parents! Thank you for wading through the messy hard lovely beautiful Life with us Glennon!

Lovely G!! I just literally PRINTED out your questions for me to START asking those I love in my life!! Gosh!! All those wasted days asking my beautiful children how their day was when I could have been asking these brutiful questions!! But no time like the present to start finding out how to love them well!! Thank you!! Thank you!!! Love you! Heather

Oooh, I love this and need to share it with many people. You’re right, the other questions are so empty and difficult to answer. Thanks for the insight.

This is wonderful and yet so very new to me. You’re right…I don’t know how each day is because it’s a lot of things. I am going to challenge myself to stop asking people the empty questions. To get to KNOW people better, we have to dig deeper than “how are you?” Thank you for this insight!!

I really think if I share this with my husband, he will get it. So thank you! We are total sweethearts (well, not all the time) but we both know there is a better way to relate and connect, particularly since I’ve recently stepped one foot out of full-time, breadwinner role, into part-time SAHM role. I’ve seen both sides, and both are hard, but the schlepping and the home life with the little ones is just harder to explain the hard. Especially when staying home with them is “what I’ve always wanted”. It’s almost like I’m not allowed to complain or even say it was stressful. Nor can I explain why! But you just did. So again, thank you Glennon, I’ll share it!

Thank you! I can’t tell you how much I needed THIS today. This was, an answer to a prayer. This came at the right time. ♥

I like the way you share. It feels real to me. It makes me feel understood. It makes me understand myself better. Thank you.

This is a very simple way to make a huge impact! Thanks for writing this for us.

I am not sure how you feel about a therapist/writer “editing” your work, but I must say I always smile when I see “illicit” where, I think, “elicit” belongs 🙂

Glennon–you, my friend, will put a few therapists out of business. And save many of us big $$. Keep on!! On another note, we can all learn from your ability to remain humble and real in the midst of the notoriety you have gained. Love how you brighten my day and spur me on!! Thank you!

This totally sums up every emotion I feel. Every. Single. Day. My husband sometimes doesn’t understand why I feel so frustrated. I work at home and yes, I’m blessed to spend so much time with my little one. I’m the one that gets to see her, hear her, watch her learn. But I’m also the one that gets to see her, hear her, watch her learn. And when I say something, I’m not complaining but it sounds like complaining. Husband wishes he could spend more time here with her and I KNOW I’m the lucky one. But sometimes I feel a bit lost. Kristi is gone. It’s all about mommy.

Glennon,
I love this! I am a stay at home mom of two little ones and this sums up my feelings about my days EXACTLY!! I emailed the link to my husband right away and told him he would understand me so much better if he read this! Thank you so much for sharing your gifts…. You are such an encouragement! xoxo

Yes!
I must know what are the increasingly intimate questions that get you from “How was your day?” to the good questions. Seems like a big, awkward jump (which I can handle…but darling husbands may lime baby steps).

This so perfectly summed up where I’ve been for the past 6 years (4 babies in 5 years) and my struggle to answer the “how was your day” question. A few kids ago, we had time for my long and winding answer. Now we don’t have space for it until we are both too tired to go there. I love these questions. Thank you Glennon!

Love this , so spot on; what great thoughtful questions. Reminds me somehow of leadership student camp; we would ask each other and my daughter says she as a teacher asks her kids the same’ What was your high today? what was your low” a kind of shortened version of your great questions. Love this.
Oh at that conference it seemed so awkward. but we must have stopped at least every two hours for relection of previous two hours. wouldn’t it be lovely if we all had time to do this daily.

Love it!

Love…. I wish that just one day that someone would ask me something About me, not just what I’m doing or which of my kids is doing whatever. The about Ambers have stopped for now. Its time.

Love.

Brilliant. A keeper. Gratitude to you for being you.

I just emailed this to my husband. He doesn’t understand why I get soooooo mad when he sees my doing something and he asks ” what are you doing?” Or simple yes and no answer questions. He’s not much of a communicater and those superficial questions are his way of trying but I’d almost rather him not ask me anything at all. I, by nature and profession am a natural “information gatherer and conversation starter”, I’m a therapist so it’s really frustrating to me to be asked questions that don’t lead to dialogue!

Being bored and overwhelmed at the same time = borederwhelmed. Pretty much sums up my life! : )

I loved this. Thank you.