Receiving Mode Still. I like this one.
I recently heard a vicious radio debate between women who believe that mothers should stay home and others who believe that mothers should work outside the home. All the debaters were mothers themselves.
As I listened wearily while ducking and dodging the ladies’ sucker punches like a cornered boxer, I thought… this is really getting old.
I’ve been both a “working” and a “stay-at-home” mom so I’ve experienced both sides of the internal and eternal debate moms endure all day, every day. When I worked outside my house, Mommy Guilt rode shotgun with me each morning, chiding me for dropping off my sick boy at day care instead of keeping him home and for rocking him the night before instead of preparing for work. When I got to work each day Mommy Guilt whispered that a good mom would still be at home with her son and when I returned home she’d insist that a better teacher would have stayed at work longer. When I’d visit girlfriends who stayed home, Mommy Guilt would say “See… this lady’s doing it right. Her kids are better off than yours are.” And Mommy Guilt certainly had a lot to say when Chase’s day care provider admitted that he had taken his first steps while I was working. Every night when I finally got Chase to sleep, finished grading papers, and collapsed into the couch, Mommy Guilt would snuggle up next to me and sweetly say “shouldn’t you spend some quality time with your husband instead of checking out?” And finally, before I fell asleep each night, Mommy Guilt would whisper in my ear, “YOU KNOW, THE ONLY WAY YOU’RE GOING TO BE A GOOD MOTHER AND WIFE IS IF YOU QUIT YOUR JOB AND STAY HOME.”
And so now I’m a stay-at-home mom. And the thing is that Mommy Guilt stays home with me. These days I experience her less as a drive-by-shooter and more as a constant commentator. Now she sounds like this:
“Did you go to all three of those college classes just so you could clean the kitchen and play Candy Land all day? And how is it that you don’t even do those things very well? Can you concentrate on nothing? Look at this mess! A good mom would clean more and play less. Also, a good mom would clean less and play more. Also a good mom would clean more and play more and quit emailing altogether. Additionally, I’ve been meaning to ask if you’re sure you feel comfortable spending so much money when you don’t even make any. Moreover, when was the last time you volunteered at Chase’s school? What kind of stay at home mom doesn’t go to PTA meetings or know how to make lasagna? Furthermore, nobody in this house appreciates you.”
My favorite, though, is that when I finally do sit down, concentrate on one of my kids, and read a few books all the way through… instead of saying “Good job!” Mommy Guilt says, “See how happy your daughter is? You’re home all day…why don’t you do this more often?”
And of course, before I go to sleep every night she whispers… “YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU’D BE A BETTER MOTHER AND WOMAN IF YOU COULD JUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND WORK.”
Mommy Guilt is like that scene from “Liar Liar” in which Jim Carrey enters a bathroom, throws himself against the walls, slams his head into the toilet, and rubs soap into his eyes. When a confused observer asks what on Earth he’s doing he says, “I WAS KICKIN’ MY ASS! DO YA MIND?”
I understand the act of kicking one’s own ass. I do it all the time.
What I don’t understand is why some ladies insist on making everything worse by kicking each other’s asses.
To the women who argue vehemently that all “good mothers” stay at home: Are you nuts? If you got your way, who would show my daughters that some women actually change out of yoga pants and into scrubs and police uniforms and power suits each day? How would my girls even know that women who don’t feel like carrying diaper bags can carry briefcases or stethoscopes instead…or also? How, pray tell, could I tell them with a straight face that they can grow up to be whatever they want to be?
And to the women who argue that all stay home mothers damage women’s liberation: Are you nuts? Aren’t you causing some damage by suggesting that we all must fit into a category, that women are a cause instead of individuals? And doesn’t choosing to spend your limited time and energy attacking “us” set “us” back? But for argument’s sake, what if you got your way and every mother was required to work outside of the home? What would that mean to ME? Who would volunteer to lead my son’s reading group at school, host his class party, plan his Sunday school lesson or wait with him in the parking lot when I forget to pick him up? Who would watch my daughter while the baby gets her shots? Who would knock on my door and tell me that my keys are still in the front door, the doors to my van are open, and my purse is in the driveway?
And if every woman made the same decision, how would my children learn that sometimes motherhood looks like going to work to put food on the table or stay sane or share your gifts or because you want to work and you’ve earned that right. And that other times motherhood looks like staying home for all of the exact same reasons.
As far as I can tell, no matter what decision a woman makes, she’s offering an invaluable gift to my daughters and me. So I’d like to thank all of you. Because I’m not necessarily trying to raise an executive or a mommy. I’m trying to raise a woman. And there are as many different right ways to be a woman as there are women.
So, angry, debating ladies… here’s the thing. My daughter is watching me AND you to learn what it means to be a woman. And I’d like her to learn that a woman’s value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different than she is. I’d like her to learn that her strength is defined by her honesty and her ability to exist in grey areas without succumbing to masking her insecurities with generalizations or accusations. And I’d like her to learn that the only way to be both graceful and powerful is to dance among the endless definitions of the word woman… and to refuse to organize women into categories, to view ideas in black and white, or to choose sides and come out swinging. Because being a woman is not that easy, and it’s not that hard.
And speaking of “Liar Liar” – angry debating ladies . . . when you yell about how much peace you have with your decisions, it just doesn’t ring true. The thing is, if you’re yelling, I don’t believe that you’ve got it all figured out. I don’t even believe that YOU believe you’ve got it all figured out. I think your problem might be that you’re as internally conflicted as the rest of us about your choices. But instead of kicking your own ass, you’ve decided it’d be easier to kick ours.
Which is tempting, but also wrong.
So, maybe instead of tearing each other up, we could each admit that we’re a bit torn up about our choices, or lack thereof. And we could offer each other a shoulder or a hand. And then maybe our girls would see what it really means to be a woman.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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370 Comments
Oh my gracious, thank you so much for writing this all down!!!
My husband and I just moved for his work and I gave up a number of other potentials (med school and other good, available jobs in a city I wanted to move to) in order for us to move here… but we chose this option because it is a really good job for him and because we had just started trying to get pregnant so his job was high on the priority list. Well, right before we moved I found out that I’m already pregnant, and I didn’t move with a job lined up for myself (I’m in a very narrow, small field), so I’m almost feeling like I’m on an early mat leave and I’m going through all these same debates in my head already, and getting quite stressed out.
About a month ago I was so overwhelmed by this topic and trying to decide what we should do, where and when, while bawling my eyes out and talking with my husband I yelled, “I don’t WANT to be a girl! I don’t want these decisions! I don’t want to be a boy or a girl, I just want to do what makes me happy!” I mean, I’ve been excited to be pregnant for many years now and I’m happy to be a woman, but there are just way more things to think about when it’s really time to have a family!
So thank you so much for letting us all know that we’re not alone. Even those of us who don’t even have kids yet feel the pressure to make the right decision for ourselves, our kids, and our partners, and the terror that we’re going to choose the wrong thing. Heck, I’ve already started feeling guilty and I haven’t even been pregnant for 2 months yet! I guess the main thing is to relax about it, enjoy this time of life that goes by so quickly, and like you said, support each other through whatever paths we choose.
Great article. My wife and I have no kids, and I’m not a woman – I wandered into a “mommy” forum a few months back on circumcision. Wow – the anger, name-calling and viscous labeling on that wall really shocked me. I’ve seen the same behavior on pit-bull, breast-feeding and vaccination forums.
George Carlin once said, “Anyone going faster than me is a maniac, anyone driving slower than me is an idiot”
I would challenge your last phrase on “what it means to be a woman” A long time ago, I realize we have a choice to act in one of 3 types of behavior. So I started a movement called Real Human Being:
1st gear – narrow self interest
2nd gear – external reward (eg bribing your kid to train them)
3rd gear – intrinsic reward (separate action from reward or expectation)
So I might insert a little edit into your last sentence to say “And then maybe our girls would see what it really means to be an amazing woman and our sons would see what it really means to be a good guy.”
well said. little grace and compassion goes a long way!
going to work drove me nuts, staying hoem DRIVES me nuts, and worst, working from home may make me go insane.
we can’t do it all. and yet, we can do it all…
support other mama’s in the choice that is right for them!
we deserve a little appreciation from ech other (since we aren’t going to get it from the kids or the baby daddys! ha!)
What you wrote rang true for so many of us. I work part time and am blessed to have the best of both worlds, but even then I have been criticized by both sides. I have 2 boys and I think it’s important for them to see me happy, strong and confident in my parenting decisions. Being a Mom is hard enough. Ladies lets support each other!!
I think what bothers me most about this debate is the idea that there is only one right way to be a mother. Should everyone have the same job? The same car? The same haircut? Ridiculous, right? We are all amazingly, fabulously different and yet still the same. A little more tolerance and understanding, a whole lot less judging. If you have to harshly judge those who have made different choices from you, how confident are you really in your own choice?
Thank you. No really, thank you. I have been a working mom for over three years and as the time goes on I realize that Working or Stay at Home, we are all just moms. We all worry about our kids and love our kids the same. But I did leave for work thirty minutes earlier today, and even though my kids did not even look up from the tv to say bye, I still feel terrible about not having the extra thirty minutes with them!
I am such a weirdo. I spend all day at home puttering around the house, doing dishes, washing clothes, gardening, sewing, crafting, paperwork, church work, a tiny bit of cooking and I just feel completely content. It’s only when I am around others and someone mentions that I have a masters from one of the most well known universities in the country and they wonder when I am going back to work, that I think about mommy guilt. I am not even sure I really feel it, I just think about it.
My two are even in school all day, public school (gasp!) and I cannot even muster a twinge of guilt.
What I do feel guilty about- that not everyone can have the choice to find their place of best fit like I do. No matter where that place may be.
What I do feel guilty about- not leaving my house more to help the needy, broken or lonely. But that is the good motivating “love one another” type of guilt.
God I struggle with this. I was a stay at home mom for 8 years. Then I got divorced, which made me a full time working single mom. What a shift. I sympathize with both sides. I’ll admit to judgery when I was a SAHM. Now I see how hard it all is. Damn, we are so hard on each other as women.
I would like to say how grateful I am to my mother for always modeling a guilt-free life. She stayed at home, she worked (she worked most of my life) and other mothers sometimes criticized her (to me, as a child) but she was my mother, so she was my role model. She showed me what it is to be a complete person, to live your own life with courage and happiness, and she never, ever complained about her appearance in my presence. She never apologized for having dreams or desires of her own; she just went and did what she wanted, and not in a selfish way. Now that I am an adult, I can see how she modeled being a woman for me, and I am grateful. I feel like I’m less conflicted than some of my friends because I had such a good role model.
Thank you for saying what I have been thinking! I share your experiences. Not only do you have a way with words you have a way of thinking that we need to here more. Thanks again for sharing.
I am a miserable and angry and frustrated mom of one who works full time+. My little buddy is 2. The day before he turned two, last Friday, I was in a meeting with my direct supervisor, manager and medical director who told me that if I want to grow in my career and get new opportunities, I would need to be more flexible by staying later and working on weekends. Mind you, I had to quit breast feeding long before I hoped because I didn’t have time to pump, I had to go to daycare and bring my baby back to work at times because daycare closes at 6 and I had more work to do. I went into work while on maternity leave. The irony is I work at a children’s hospital that has won awards for being a family friendly employer. And At the same time I see my peers being offered new opportunities while their other job responsibilities get moved to others and they continue to work 9-4:30 with a lunch break, They are given tools like laptops they could take home to do work on weekends. For the most part I enjoy my career, but right now I want to start cutting again because of the anger I feel over this situation. I need to work because I have debt. I’m working on finding a new job but right now I’m stuck. And now that I’ve vented here in this safe place, maybe now I can sleep.
I’m so, so sorry for your situation. It sounds terribly unfair. I wish I had a solution but all I can do is sympathize and wish that your bosses would see the light. I wonder if it might help to talk to an employment attorney — maybe he/she could help you dispassionately present information on how you and your peers are treated differently, so your bosses would see, and remedy, their unfair and possibly discriminatory behavior.
I hope that venting helped, that you got a good night’s sleep, and that you don’t feel like cutting any more. Your sweet baby needs you whole.
Girrrrrl I feel you!
I was working at a Women’s Health Center, that focused almost exclusively on prenatal/postpartum support and had a zillion classes on work/life balance etc when my 4 month old son got critically ill and ended up in the ICU for 4 months. My female boss (who is also a mother) refused to accommodate my situation beyond granting me my legally guaranteed leave. She “allowed” me to work part time for a short time using that leave but nothing was shifted from my work load and I was told that there was no way to temporarily move me to part time without putting my job in jeopardy. No possibility of working remotely at all (even though most of my job was on a computer). She even had the nerve to tell me that “coming back to work full time and having a few successes at work” would help me “feel better”. My son was in the ICU with a possibly terminal condition at that point. She eventually put me on probation despite the stellar review I had received less than a year earlier. Needless to say, I filed a complaint with the Dept of Fair Employment and Housing. (They took my case but didn’t have enough of a paper trail from my bosses end to do anything, sadly).
The biggest lesson I got from that whole thing was that if I had to choose, my family is more important that “success”. I was shocked to discover how I felt b/c I had been groomed all my life to think that being at the top of some professional ladder was the end-all-be-all. I’ve been a little lost career-wise since then (not sure what my “goal” is anymore), but finding my way more and more as a mother and clear about my priorities.
Sending hugs
Jaime
It is not just on anonymous blogs that we women take swipes at each other. Sometimes it is overt, in your face type of swipes made by our female bosses and coworkers, and at jobs with mostly female employees no less. It is so discouraging. Frankly, it is one of the reason I would much rather work for a man and prefer my male coworkers over the female ones.
The best example the mom’s can set for their children is to be a person who lives free of guilt. Recognize that you have choices and opportunities and you should live in a way that is right for you. Their isn’t one right way for everyone but there are some things we should all do more- love our kids even if for some of us that means keeping them up past their bed time because we want to cuddle them a little longer “after” we posted a comment online.
(PS good luck to all of you being a mom is the toughest job)
In my 35 years I’ve been a soldier, a musician, a grocery store cashier, a graduate student, a public school teacher, a music studio owner, a daughter, a sister, a devoted wife and now about to be a new mother of baby #5 in 9 years. I am currently working (music teacher), but am blessed to have a stay-at-home husband!!! He is amazing with my two little ones and I know that he looks at me with respect and affection after I’ve done the SAHM role for the last 5 years. We had to switch roles for insurance reasons and I am content with our choices. How will he do with an infant and 8 dirty cottage cheese diapers a day and mommy milk bottles…I’m not sure. BUT our marriage is amazing, my kids are happy and we are all blessed! On the other hand, my sister is a SAHM AND homeschools her kids, which is great for her. I think everyone’s situation is different and that is all we should remember.
HI Glennon,
We have a mutual friend, Kelle. This post was passed to me today when I wrote about my own guilt and wanting OUT OF IT. We’re getting here. I love this essay of yours. Particularly, I love:
So, angry, debating ladies… here’s the thing. My daughter is watching me AND you to learn what it means to be a woman. And I’d like her to learn that a woman’s value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different than she is.
Hopefully I’ll meet you in May.
– Nici
This is so on point and true. I’ve done many different roles in this mom gig. And the truth is it’s the mom part of all the titles that’s hard. staying at home, working from home, working from outside of the home…it’s the Mom part that is hard on the heart sometimes.
Thank you for writing this post! I find if you are secure in your own choices, you are less likely to try to browbeat everyone into agreeing with you. 😉 I wish every woman realized what you wrote is so true. 🙂 Thanks again!
Glennon, you are such an encourager! I think you would like & be encouraged by this post I read http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
So, I am putting some drops of awesome in your bucket for you!
Carry on sweet mama!
I cannot tell you how timely and helpful this post is to me! I am definitely going to bookmark it and come back to read again and AGAIN!
Thank you for writing this post! I was blessed to stay home with my son for the first 7 months of his life. Since returning back to work, as a School Social Worker, I have had a difficult time balancing work, motherhood, and being a wife. I had always felt that I couldn’t be a great mom and a great Social Worker. What I have been learning, is that I am a great mom, and I am a great Social Worker, but I need to have balance. There are only so many hours in the day…so I work hard at work, and pick up my son from daycare and then devote the time until he goes to bed to enjoying my time with him. I am fortuante that when June hits I will have a blessed time being home with him for summer vacation. I have learned that it is the quality time that counts! I want him to value women and their contributions to the household, be it financial or other. I want him to marry an educated woman, and allow her to follow her passions wherever they lead. I hope that I will provide that example for him!
Wow. I just love how well written this article is. And sums up what so many of us feel. Now how do we quiet our minds once we have made the choice?
Beautiful. Thank you so much.
(from a part-time-working and full-time-struggling-to-juggle-it -all mom of a 6.5 y.o, red head boy and sweet 5 mo old baby girl.)
I have five wonderful kids. I stayed at home, because money was short I opened an in home day care. Before I knew it my kids were grown and I was taking care of my grandkids. I then ventured out and went to college and became an RN. In all the years of family get togethers the things the kids talk about are the memories they have when we spent time with them. It isn’t a debate of why i did did or didn’t work, it’s stories they remember about the quality time that was spent together, or perhaps that one really bad meal that mom made. Stop the guilty script in your head. Love your children. When you are together made it a memory. Before you know it your kids are grown. One other thing I learned, homes do not have to be dust free to have a happy family. Love your family and give yourselves the praise you deserve.
Wow. What a beautifully written article.
As a momma that went back to work, part-time, and had one son revisit his depression while the other called a peer a dumb*** on the primary school playground (for bullying, but still), I needed this reminder that my boys will learn and grow from me working some. Thank you!
Excellent article. I know I wrestled with this as does my daughter.. The author made some critical and excellent points.
Beautifully said! I’m a Stay at home mom, and I always encourage other’s to do the same, but at the same time I’m so grateful for all the women who aren’t. We have 2 special needs kids, and I don’t know where I would be without all the physical, occupational, and speech therapists they need – as well as their teachers ALL of whom are mothers. I myself was taught in every grade of school by women who were mothers, where would we be without working moms? There is a balance for everything, and every woman who makes that decision for herself is making the right decision.
As a mom struggling to balance motherhood and work, I very much appreciate your comment about being thankful for the physical, occupational, and speech therapists that help your kiddos because I am a physical therapist myself. Comments like that make my job all that much more worth while when I feel guilty for leaving my kids every morning!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have it so, so right. Those angry debating mothers also criticize for breast feeding or not breast feeding, for giving solids too you or not young enough, for co-sleeping or not co-sleeping, and so on. When will we learn to just be kind to each other, to accept that every mother is doing her best in her own best way and she is criticising herself enough – she doesn’t need you adding to the chorus of self-doubt in her head.
Love this! Thanks, Glennon!
We have a painting above our daughters crib that we hope she’ll come to embrace one day. It’s a whimsical creature holding a staff-like thing with this written underneath: “I’m much more than a princess but you don’t have a name for it yet here on earth.”
Our hope is that our daughter will grow up to be one thing: herself. And not be brought down by anyone else’s definition of her. I wish all mothers would hope for a bit of independence in their daughters and cultivate an environment that makes that possible for all little girls. Well, I’m starting to do it for my kid so this post is encouraging that other moms are doing the same. Thank you!!!
I’m 82 years old, had 4 kids in 8 years all of whome grew up to have advanced degrees and are doing just fine financially, thank you. I stayed home excpt for the time I worked to help my husband get his advanced degree — I LOVED being a stay-at-hom-Mom & dearded the day when they’d grow up & I have to begin doing something “productive” — this turned out heading a department working with student accouunts whiich I did for nearly 30 years. None of this would have been such fun wiithout a hilarious, successful husband and father to my kids who facilitated my activities. Now I spend long hours with my 4 great-grand-children and I’ll admiit, love it when people thing they’e my GRAND children. If you like kids & like keeing house go for it — I thought it was a blast, and so was being a professsional woman. I’d say, do what you want tto do! Now that I’ve spent several years being a caretker for my husband and am left alone, my kids take marvelous care of me, and I know their Dad would be glad to know that I’m still having a happy life. Don’t let peoole make you feel guilty — just have fun!
“internally conflicted” sigh. How is it ever to be different? Seems most of the posters here agree….yet there are still the resentments, the comments….etc.
Some points I’ve taken away after having raised my sons (20 & 23 yrs now):
1) you can have it all…just not all at once. Or, all at the same time..that means–you can work! you can stay at home! Try doing them consecutively, not together. It does make a difference. Then? don’t give a sh!t what the haters say.
2) Seasons…there are seasons. Or, cycles. In life—all of the time. think about it. You left school (high sch or college) with a job or career in mind. You either did that, or not. You then went on to maybe have a family? Do you do what your career choice was, or raise the humans you decided to have? They are both jobs. Only difference is where you work!!! Really! Take the titles away. It’s all work. YOU WORK.
3) If you (or, we) can stop creating conflict on this topic, then we can help each other. I just went to a book launch/signing party last night in San Francisco—the book and the woman who wrote it and created her friendship blog, have this very same thing in mind—being friends. With other women. girlfriendcircles.com. The book, if you decide to buy it, is on amazon today. It’s simple, and easy. For all women, mothers, or not. Working, or working at home. Lets just be friends. Make some, share some.
This is a great article, and I can definite see both sides! Of course, my solution to this is to simply not have kids, but I enjoy being in the discussions like this from a women’s rights and equality standpoint, and this is one of the best articles I’ve ever read about this!
I am incredibly content in my life as a SAHM and honestly don’t care a bit what other women, whether they be SAHMs or moms who working outside the home – think about me, my life, or my choices. In my opinion, spending a LOT less time thinking about or worrying about the thoughts and opinions of others goes a long, long way toward finding contentment in your own life, whatever that life looks like.
As with others’ material possessions or status, when it comes to other people’s opinions about my family’s choices, my mantra is the same. “I don’t give a shit.” 🙂
Well said! I really don’t think much about what other people think about me and my choices. I think mothers that live in affluent neighborhoods often suffer from this guilt more. They often have advanced degrees and see their similarly educated neighboring moms in high powered jobs and can’t help but second-guess. When I am at gatherings with such people is about the only time I ever feel self-conscious about being a stay-at-home mom. I feel like it is the ultimate conversation stopper (especially since I am not running triathalons or something similar–those stay-at-home moms seem to carry much more social cred. It’s almost as if you have to do something extraordinary–being a SAHM mom just isn’t enough in those circles.)
[…] also recently read another much better blog post on this whole debate. On why women feel the need to belittle each other’s choices. Is it […]
Beautifully said, you speak for most of us and you’re absolutely right on all counts.
Wow, you hit the nail on the head and I think all the comments were GREAT too! Mommy Guilt NEVER leaves us alone! I personally decided to stay home, then thought that I should go back to work when my little one turned 3, but didn’t want to then either, so my guilt told me to bring in money to pull my weight, I started my own company to be more flexible for my son, but Mommy Guilt is still whispering in my ear…why do you even work? You don’t have to – you should stay home with your son…knowing all the while that my son is much happier outside the house for several hours a day then sitting around with me all day and I am much happier with my company even when deadlines make me NOT the perfect Mommy – so Mommy Guilt…go pound sand!!!
You are simply amazing G…. So beautifully put, and I will certainly be sharing this with all of my mommy friends. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!
I think the even bigger issue for me is why are women the ones who feel all of this guilt? Why do we let that happen? Men are parents, too. It’s not okay that the world tells us – and we believe – that all of this is up to us. Alone. Men get to choose to show up as a parent and get applauded. Men are expected to work and get to do so without societal judgement being heaped upon them. Women don’t get to choose. And no matter which way you go, you will be judged. All of this to say…how about we also focus on teaching our sons and husbands that being a parent is also part of their experience in the world. Expect it. And value it. Let’s change the dialogue.
That’s hardly fair. I am recently a father, and I feel all the pressure in the world to be a good father. In my mind that means provide for basic needs, whicht takes a lot of time at work. And it also means being home when my wife and son need me. I’m sure many other fathers feel as much pressure as I do.
However, I don’t think you’re totally off the mark. Society has definitely downgraded the role of “father,” and we are seeing the negative results of that. It is definitely something that needs addressed.
Our kids are going to turn out fine, whether we work or stay home. Or they are going to have issues, whether we work or stay home. Not everything is in a mom’s control, nor is everything our “fault” or our “respsonibility”. We just have to do our best, model good behavoir, make good choices, and try to pass on some core values. I don’t think that in the long run the hours logged playing Candy Land vs. the hours spent learning the hokey pokey at daycare will make any difference at all to the overall happiness of my kids.
wow, I cried my way thru this as Mommy Guilt is alive and well in my life and it truly makes me crazy. I’m just trying to be the best wife and mom and woman I can be. thanks for the reminder that it’s not just me… 😉
I am so grateful for my husband, not because he is perfect or always does the right thing. I am grateful for him because he sincerely desires to do the right thing. I bet your husband feels the same way about you.
Amen!
Thank you! I am so sick of the fighting!!! There are pro’s and con’s to everything in life. And maybe if we stopped “yelling” at each other we would all have a little less Mom Guilt.
Thanks for this! It is well past time that all women hold each other up rather than tearing each other down. The world has done enough of the latter to last til eternity. Sisters uphold your sisters!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Glennon, you are sooo right. I was able to stay at home for 12 months with my little one but here in Austria, I am really frowned at since most women stay home for 2 or 3 years and then go back only part time.
Every time, I leave my office on time, I feel guilty, every time I am a few minutes late picking up my boy because some emergency came up at work, I feel guilty. Maybe, I should just stop feeling guilty and except that it is the way it is!!!!!
Thanks for this wonderful article!!!!!!!!
Great post. Let’s also include the fact that our SONS are watching us, too, and that one day they will choose a partner. Here’s hoping that the confidence in the path we chose as moms will leave them open to whatever their spouse chooses, as well.
Amen, Kelly!
I love this!! I have been both and I can tell you I felt guilty both ways. I always was defending being a SAHM and now I am defending being a working mom all while telling someone how wonderful either is I am always reminding myself that I made the best decision slowly convincing myself that both were right.. The worst part is how other moms treat me!! My SAHM friends don’t understand why I went back to work and now we just don’t have much in “common” although hello I thought our common thing was our kids… Pretty sure I still have them lol, and the working moms are usually not understanding because well you got to be a SAHM you don’t understand I went back to work right away speech… Ladies lets just LOVE one another!!! Ugh this mom thing is tough, but I see how happy my babies are and they are growing and smiling and laughing so I figure either way I didn’t die and my kids love me I must be doing something right 🙂
If you sincerely do your best, at home and elsewhere. You and your husband have puzzled it out together. You do not have to defend yourself. Don’t defend yourself, only you stand in your shoes. Just don’t give yourself the grief by going this or that way. You are an adult, it is your responsibility, don’t worry about what others think. The only voice I am prepared to listen to is God’s, his advice and directions really is worth listening to. So relax! All the best to you sister.
Well written! I am a stay at home mom have been for almost 3yrs next wk. I took a 3yr extended leave & although it’s the right choice for my family for me to remain at home, I have to admit when the letter came yesterday stating it was time to either come back or sever my relationship with the company I had a twinge of “what if”. It really put me in a funk. I really related to the end when you wrote, “we could each admit that we’re a bit torn up about our choices” I’ll admit, “I’m Michelle and I’m a bit torn up!” Thanks G for making me feel ok about my choice.
Thank you Glennon for this oh so true commentary. As a single mom, I work overnight during the weekend and stay home during the week. I like to think of myself as a stay-at-home working parent. I still get to do the school thing during the week with my two kids and then when they’re at their dad’s, I go to work. Either way, the choices we make as mothers are what we decide is best for our children and for us and should not be up for criticism or judgement. From one mother to another, thank you for what you do!
You go girl! I imagine while you may have the best of both worlds, you also have the worst of both worlds. Hugs!
Thanks Glennon….I no longer feel misunderstood! It’s nice to know that other moms feel like Jim Carrey every day, too. Nobody warnes you about Mommy Guilt before you have children…thanks for the awesome words this morning! 🙂
Great post on an important subject that, I agree, we’ve been arguing about for too long. I’ve worked part time both in and out of our home since my daughter was born 10 years ago, and I have the same conflicting feelings daily. Even with my balanced situation, I frequently question whether or not I should be in an office working a 40-hour (likely, plus) week. The things that stop me are flexibility. Why should a parent feel that they can’t stay home with a sick child? Why should people be limited to two weeks of vacation/personal time? Why should people be made the feel that the demands of raising children are a burden on their job? There are many things about the way companies are set up in this country that discourage couples of sending both back to work once children come along.
I’m sorry you’re still in a fog, Glennon, I truly am …. but I’m also grateful that you’re in receiving mode, and that that means you’re receiving even your own old writings, and then sharing them with us. The best of the best – thank you! And the best of the best to you. (even in receiving mode, you’re giving!)
This is the best post I’ve read about the eternal debate: better to stay-at-home or better to work!! You nailed it Glennon. The choice to do either is “a choice” and we should respect it even if it’s not what we’d do and that is what we should teach our daughters and our boys for that matter. Thanks again Glennon.
Your comments are always so refreshing and thought provoking! Thanks for offering topics we can discuss WITH our girlfriends instead of us talking ABOUT our girlfriends!
What I find ironic is that while the debate rages about whether or not women should stay home with the kids, the assumption continues that there is NOTHING wrong with MEN going to work all day and leaving their families behind.
In fact, in those “olden” days of yore that the “women should stay home” crowd love to cite, the men who “went to work” usually were working… AT HOME! In agrarian societies, the workplace of the man was the fields ON WHICH THEIR HOME EXISTED. Men who ran shops or businesses also lived in rooms UP ABOVE THEIR PLACE OF BUSINESS. So, what I’m getting at is that this idea that women are meant to stay home also implies that men are not. In reality, I believe the best benefit for children is the model in which both mother AND father have the maximum amount of time at home – not the model where the mom is running a daycare for 12 hours while the dad is out and about enjoying a kid-free existence until 6 or 7pm.
Great point Bob! Nice daddy perspective!
Love, love, LOVE! Our own dream, right there: to be home, both of us, with our kids, working with them, working together, all at home. (and I’m sure quite of bit of personal refining would happen in that model, too, as iron sharpens iron….! a side benefit)
After I quit my job to stay home, it took me about 6 minutes to let go of guilt. This job was damn hard! I was definitely “earning my keep”. But then, jealousy replaced the guilt. I wanted what some of my friends had, a way out! For an hour at least! But that’s silly too. They want an hour of what I have- no deadlines, no schedule, knee high hugs whenver I want- typing on a blog in my pajamas:) So, I don’t really feel guilty, but I still feel jealousy pains…but I’m getting better.
This was amazing. You read my mind. Thank you!
Amen. When our three older children were three and under, I stayed home with them. I did this because I wanted to. I loved it. We lived on an extremely tight budget then. One car–sometimes we didn’t drive it because we had no gas money. We asked our family for games for Christmas, because even if they got us a gift card to a restaurant, we couldn’t afford to drive there.
And we were very happy. Small children do not need expensive things, so I thought we were all happy. Until one day, my sister-in-law said, “Maybe my brother and his children would not have to live in poverty if you would go to work.”
and then I was sad. and guilty. and suddenly I felt like my decision to stay home was selfish. I did not think we were living in poverty, I thought we were living within our means.
And I have vowed to not ever make anyone feel like that. We are mommies loving our families the best way we know how. And support and encouragement for each other is biblical and beautiful.
Those three older children are teenagers now. I work outside the home–a big part of my job is supporting families with small children. This makes me happy, too. And I have learned to not let anyone with their loud opinions steal that joy.
Thank you, Glennon, for your support.
Well said!!!! I loved this part:
And I’d like her to learn that a woman’s value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different than she is. I’d like her to learn that her strength is defined by her honesty and her ability to exist in grey areas without succumbing to masking her insecurities with generalizations or accusations. And I’d like her to learn that the only way to be both graceful and powerful is to dance among the endless definitions of the word woman… and to refuse to organize women into categories, to view ideas in black and white, or to choose sides and come out swinging. Because being a woman is not that easy, and it’s not that hard
It is my new woman mantra
WOW! Well said!!!!
Not sure if you’ve seen this but it reminded me of what you were talking about with the guilt and beating ourselves up. I think you’ll enjoy this post: http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
Bravo! You have said so precisely what I feel! Too often it seems that women feel threatened by others making different choicesThank you for reminding us all that different choices are valid, and that making these choices is not a negative reflection on others.
I’m a dad. I stay home. My wife wants me to work. I like work. I work in an artistic/information field with very smart people, state of the art computer technology that pays pretty well. It really doesn’t get any better than that for me.
I have no guilt staying home and taking care of my two daughters. Having a stay home parent was the sine qua non of having children for me. As long as we could afford it, if one of us wasn’t going to stay home, I wasn’t interested in having kids and then having other people largely raise them.
I’ve never doubted that decision was the right decision for me. I’ve never wavered in my resolve to keep that deal. If circumstances change – if our finances change – I’ll change as required. It’d be better for me in terms of professional satisfaction. But I don’t believe it would be better for our kids. We are close, talk and read all the time. We love movies. When they need direction. I’m there to provide it, to guide and, often, to say no, that’s not good for you – not safe, not healthy, not respectful of others.
I do work on occasion, but knowing that the job is time limited. I read and practice at home as much as I can manage. It’s a lot to get everybody ready for school, cook breakfast, take the girls to school, clean the kitchen, wash clothes, make beds, monitor the stock market (my attempt to contribute financially), pick the girls up from school, help with homework, play some games, get them ready for bed, brush teeth, read stories… The house isn’t so clean. The floors could stand to be mopped and rugs vacuumed more often. I can live with that. I’ve got a lot on my plate.
Honestly, I’d prefer to work if my wife would stay home. She can’t. She works at a bank. I cannot provide the same level of income as she does. She can’t accept the drop in living standard that would result if I worked and she stayed with the girls.
Work, to me, is easier and hugely rewarding. But some things are more important. I love being with our girls. I miss work terribly. I have no question where I need to be right now.
Good for you! I hope your story gives encouragement to other stay at home parents…especially dads.
This is messed up. You “cannot provide the same level of income” as your wife?? You have a family to support. Get a better job so you can provide the same (or better!) income.
“I have no guilt staying home and taking care of my two daughters.” I think you mean, you “have no guilt having no job” even though your wife wants you to work. Worse, you stay at home and do nothing. Those responsibilities you list? Most people do that…and work full-time (I do..).
Your kids need a dad, and a role model, not a friend.
wow, rage. why does it bother YOU so much that his wife leaves the house to work instead of him? Not your marriage, it’s theirs. By the way, anyone who stays home with their kids IS supporting their family. It is EXTREMELY offensive to suggest that he (and anyone who stays home) does “nothing”. Your post is shameful.
Would you ever say something like this to a woman? Doubtful.
Word to what Kristen said.
Holy. Smokes. Pear12, you have got to be kidding me. As Jenny said, your post is beyond shameful. Either that or you’re a troll.
It seems to me that you have ingrained yourself in societal roles and that you have never taken care of your children by yourself day after day. Otherwise, you would never post what you have. Thus, your spouse must be under appreciated since you clearly have no understanding what goes into being the caretaker. I have both worked and have been at stay at home mom and my job requires a lot of time and energy, but by far being a stay at home mom is a harder job. I am MORE exhausted at the end of the day than if I work and get the kids to bed/ready in the morning.
Right on! Although I do have to say as a working Mom I have not experienced much working Mom guilt…My Mom was a working Mom and I always felt the need to stay in the working world as well…so felt/feel no remorse….
wait..now I feel guilty about NOT feeling guilty! LOL..; )
Noooooooooooooo!!! No to guilt 🙂 Just be happy you got it figured out first, while the rest of us need Glennon to help us out of our guilt!
Thank you! I’ve been both full time mommy, and part-time gainfully employed. Will soon become full-time-working-for money and Mommy Guilt is getting louder the closer I get to that day. This post reminds me why I often wonder why this isn’t one of the blogs i check regularly … plan to fix that error!
I was JUST quoting this article today, thank you for reposting, excellent timing. I’ve found that sometimes I quote Momastery stuff, even if I’m not exactly believing it at the time (e.g., “Yes, I can do hard things, girls, but I can’t get this DAMNED JAR LID OFF.”)
But even just quoting it makes me get back into the groove, moves my thoughts away from the sniping, the judgement, the perfectionism rather than the love and vulnerability.
Sing it Sister. You are so right on. As for the mommy guilt, I’m digging this : http://www.daringyoungmom.com/2012/12/19/drops-of-awesome/
I just read that — I really loved it. “Drops of awesome,” sort of like Glennon’s kairos, reminds me to be in the moment, especially in the happy moments. Why on earth pollute the moments of joy?? I do it all the time, but that is a choice I make, and I can make a different choice. Thank you!
I’ve been a stay at home for 7 years. Probably will be one for another 1-2 years. Maybe I’m weird, but I have never felt guilty for being home with my kids. The one thing I know I’m good at is being a mom. I have a masters degree in Special Education and Early Childhood Education and even though I was good at it and enjoyed it, it pales in comparison to putting all that effort into raising my own kids 24/7. Now, if I was a working mom, I know I’d feel guilty. That is me though and I never, ever, ever, ever would decide when someone else should feel guilty for anything.
Thank you, Glennon, for once again writing so much of what is in my heart. I’ve been on both sides also and the “voice of the other side” always seems to find fault. I want my son and daughter to have a clear understanding that each of us are and should be valued for each of our contributions to our society – be it in the home, at an office or somewhere in between. How can we expect men to take us seriously in any role if they see us regularly putting each other down for whatever decision we make. Instead of finding fault, why can’t we simply be grateful for all the things each of us gives for the greater good? There’s enough (too much) hate and division in the world already. Let’s take more time to support each other.
I’m a stay at home dad, and we’ve adopted five little ones from the foster care system, one. at. a. time… The youngest stay home and we put them in pre-K @ age 4. What I’ve noticed is that our kids are woefully behind socially compared to their day care peers. Maybe it’s a little different with dad at home (play dates and coffee with stay at home mom’s is an obvious no-no, but while my kids are happy, bright, well adjusted social creatures at home, they are meek as church mice at school. I’ve seen and heard the arguments. Stay at home moms I know are hugely defensive, though one I know with a maid, a nanny, a husband who likes to cook, an unlimited checkbook and only two kids still complains about how hard it is. (give me a break). The real issue is trying to socialize them enough OUTSIDE the home so they’re more comfortable around strangers (their own age).
It could just be their personalities. I have church mice too, and I’ve tried anything short of standing on my head to make them more sociable (except daycare). I’ve let go of worrying about their meekness, because I see that my eldest does just fine at school, even though he’s an introvert. Other moms have suggested to me to constantly give verbal cues and examples of how to interact with others to my kids when we’re around strangers(their age). So, we’ll see. (And they are happy outgoing, sociable at home.) But I value having them at home with me more than having them “sociable”. Hope I’m not screwing it up!
My daughter was very shy until she started daycare and then she came flying out of her shell, so there are certainly benefits socially…and this is actually one of the reasons I still work! And yes, I have lots and lots of mommy guilt and I cried when they made me full time – and not tears of joy.
Well stated, but some women don’t have a choice at all. I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom, but we absolutely cannot afford it. Sadly, I envy stay-at-home moms. I don’t judge any woman for choosing to work or stay home, but I am jealous of the fact that they get a choice.
Lol funny thing is I used to regret having to stay at home! I love it now, but couldn’t afford daycare for two- now three!
We can’t afford daycare either. My husband has to work nights while I work days. I took a year off, no pay, but will have to return as much as I want to be with my babies. My husband and I will be back to being two ships barely passing in the night.
I’ve been a working mom for 27 years. This is the most honest and intelligent look at the mommy wars I’ve ever read. You’re brilliant.
Hi. I enjoyed this. I’m a stay-at-home dad by day, a part-time worker by night. I appreciated this article. Ironically, my wife is a teacher. She works her tail off all day
every day, and I sure appreciate how hard she works. Teachers are a special kind of person. My wife doesn’t leave work and she’s done for the day…She corrects papers for many hours, personally worries about the kids she teaches, takes courses to keep her teaching certification, and so on. I know she feels the mommy-guilt sometimes. This is only worsened by a few people we know who are stay-at-home moms who make comments like: “It must be so nice for you to has a husband who does all the work at home” (which is not even true), or “it must be hard not being home as much as you’d like” (well of course it is!). Those comments can definitely hurt. Yeah, I also have daddy-guilt. I have had various full-time jobs, and am currently a stay-at-home dad. I see the messy house and think “if I only cleaned a little more today”, or “if I had a full-time job maybe I’d be more of a man…and maybe my wife would not have to work so hard…and maybe she’d get more time with the kids”…So I totally see the value in both full-time folk, and stay-at-home folk. And as you say: THANK GOODNESS we have both types of people!
I am a teacher too…I am glad you respect and understand your wife’s profession! She’s blessed to have you.
Thank you Glennon. My mommy guilt was at an all time high this weekend as I left my vomiting, febrile toddler at home and went to work overnight. I’m a doctor and sometimes wish I had chosen a career that would at least make it possible for me to stay home with her when she is sick. It is so difficult to walk away when she is crying for me. Thank you for the reminder that all of us are ultimately setting an example for all of the little girls around us.
Same situation here. It gets better, though. Now my little guy still cries on occasion when I get called in on the weekend or leave at the crack of dawn, but his big sister says “It’s okay, Mommy has to go help people, and that’s important.”
Love that! I hope that she will understand why I am leaving when she is old enough. 🙂 I miss mornings the most because I’m always gone before she gets up. Thanks for sharing!
Love this!
I LOVE THIS POST!!!!
Excellent, as always!
I have been privileged to be a stay-at-home mom and earned a MBA in process. Felt guilty. Felt guilty loving my baby, felt guilty not starting a business right away. Now when son is 3.5 yrs old and recently enrolled in school, finally at peace. This was the time for our family to launch and we get to enjoy…to each their own, you just have to figure out what works for you….saying, I have had a career and have had stay-at-home….now I get to be a part of both…still relishing in the time spent with my little one while he is young as the sharing does not last so eating it up while I can and growing me corporate wise while mirroring his growth…my advice to any mom.
I love it. Thank you.
did you watch the finale of 30 Rock last week? They totally made fun of the crazy mom hate between Stay at home moms and Working moms. Oh my gosh, it was so funny. It was supposed to be an exaggerated, ridiculous version of real online arguments, but I was like, “Nope, that’s pretty spot on with everything I’ve ever seen.” It was another brilliant social commentary from 30 rock. 🙂 Thanks for your post. It’s truly a sad sad way to spend time…fighting with other bedraggled, doing-their-best, tired moms out there. Why waste energy on that when there’s barely enough to get the kids fed, clothed, and cleaned each day!?
This is the best perspective on the “mommy wars” that I have seen yet. Thanks.
I am not a mother, but I really respect this post as a young woman and hopefully future mom. You give such beautiful insight to the world we live in.
Love. Amen sister.
I have done both too and this is hits the nail on the head. Wonderful!!!!!
[…] Momastery: Friendly Fire I’ve been both a “working” and a “stay-at-home” mom so I’ve experienced both sides of the internal and eternal debate moms endure all day, every day. […]
Thank you. Just, thank you.
Beautifully written. I am sitting at McDonald’s because my meeting ran late and I did not want to cook. Furthermore, we don’t have internet at home and I need to finish up some lesson plans based on the internet. I just hope that my kids see this as an exciting change, but at the same time, I pray they don’t see this as “mommy is working again.” Then as a teacher I feel like this lesson will be crap during my observation because I am not putting as much time as I should and my students don’t have the same support of two parents at home that my kids do, so I owe them just a bit more. It sounds so much better when you write it.
I find that women who lecture other women on the “mommy wars” are the ones who talk about this the most. I’m tired of women being cast in this light. I have been on both sides of this fence, and have heard nothing but supportive concern from women on both sides, for women on both sides. I’m sorry you tuned in to a radio station that dredged up the most offensive people they could in order to offend people professionally, but in real life, people aren’t like this. No one thinks “all” women should do anything, except weirdos (and you’ll always find some of them everywhere). In this economy, everyone does what they can to get by and for crying out loud, no one really has issues.
Wow. I’m totally surprised at your comment. I’m glad you have been surrounded by supportive women and I think you should hug them and thank them. I stopped being friends with several close friends for college because of the nasty comments they made when I went back to work after my son was born. They had no idea my financial situation and my husband didn’t make as much money as theirs. I decided I didn’t need the added pressure or guilt. I’m not saying everyone is like this, but i definitely experienced it, so people who you call weirdos were some very highly educated friends of mine…
Wow…you are very fortunate. Mommy wars are very real in my town/circle/family. It’s sad.
This is well put – but what I fail to ever hear in this debate is DADS. Why do women feel that working and being a Mom requires you to be super mom? Why do the mother’s have to shoulder guilt, when in a egalitarian, health partnership, both men and women should work together to take care of the needs of children. No one ever mentions this.
I also did both, 26 years ago when the choices were less clear and concise. I finally chose to stay home. For me, the deciding point was, where will I have less regrets? Not the perfect deciding point, but it worked for me. Was it easier to be home? Probably not. But my pay-off was, and still is, that my grown girls thank me often for making that choice. Down side, after being back in the workforce for 15 years, I still make no where near what I did 26 years ago.
I loved this one originally, and I love it again! I have this quote all over, it is my motto:
“the only way to be both graceful and powerful is to dance among the endless definitions of the word woman”
Thank you G!
Amen is THE MOST FITTING word for this. SO wonderfully put that we all can’t help but agree! 😉
I often tell my daughters that “when she wins, you win” and even at their young ages they get it. The part I liked best is that your daughter is watching you and she’s watching me.
especially love this quote…
“I’m not necessarily trying to raise an executive or a mommy. I’m trying to raise a woman. And there are as many different right ways to be a woman as there are women.”
Amen!! Thank you for stating this so clearly. I have also done both and I admire women and mothers who seem to be handling either situation with so much elegance.
That could not have been more perfectly written. You have found a way to put into words all of the mumbo jumbo that goes on inside my head every day! My mommy guilt is in full force right now as I write this and my kitchen is still a mess from dinner but I am so glad I did! Thank you!
Amen, amen, amen
ah. thank you. I needed that.
Mommy guilt…why? Tell your mommy guilt to go pound sand. Or better yet, be useful and do that vacuuming you didn’t get to this week. Our worth shines through in the big picture, not in how many things we checked off the “good mommies do this” list today. Are your kids reasonably happy and well adjusted? Are you? Then yay, you win!
Love this!
Needed this. I’m due any day with baby #2, which after my allowed 12 weeks of leave I will hand the full-time parenting reins to my awesome husband. Do I wish that I could be home full-time? Sure. But, am I ridiculously thankful to be in a job that I have a long term future in that I enjoy and provides us with what we need. Absolutely. I still struggle with Mommy-guilt and I’m sure I will even more after this babe is born and my hormones are still super fun when I go back to work. But, it’s all for the greater good and we make it work. Would I love to win the lottery and we all stay home? For sure. But until that day…I commute 3 hours a day, love my family the best I can, be there for every moment that I can and not judge anyone else’s choices. We’re all I this together people.
Perhaps step outside of our own heads & anxieties to value the hard work of every woman & mother to build a solid foundation at home, however that looks. Everyone has the same objectives – healthy & happy families – and reaching that goal is all a matter of perspective.
The numbing debate about choice of home or work ignores the reality that the choice itself is a luxury. Be grateful for the support system around you that even allows for you to stay at home with your children.
Made me tear up. Just deciding to go to work after NOT working for 15 since I had my first child right of college. Thank you for making me feel like it is going to be ok. I have earned it!
Thank you! its true – especially about the yelling part: we just want people to believe and support our position so we can hopefully feel less guilty…so we figure if we can convince others to join our band wagon…we’ll feel more at peace with our decisions. when really…we have to do what we feel is right for us…and not be so judgmental of others who are different. well said again…your words resonate with me for sure, as they often do.