Receiving Mode Still. I like this one.
I recently heard a vicious radio debate between women who believe that mothers should stay home and others who believe that mothers should work outside the home. All the debaters were mothers themselves.
As I listened wearily while ducking and dodging the ladies’ sucker punches like a cornered boxer, I thought… this is really getting old.
I’ve been both a “working” and a “stay-at-home” mom so I’ve experienced both sides of the internal and eternal debate moms endure all day, every day. When I worked outside my house, Mommy Guilt rode shotgun with me each morning, chiding me for dropping off my sick boy at day care instead of keeping him home and for rocking him the night before instead of preparing for work. When I got to work each day Mommy Guilt whispered that a good mom would still be at home with her son and when I returned home she’d insist that a better teacher would have stayed at work longer. When I’d visit girlfriends who stayed home, Mommy Guilt would say “See… this lady’s doing it right. Her kids are better off than yours are.” And Mommy Guilt certainly had a lot to say when Chase’s day care provider admitted that he had taken his first steps while I was working. Every night when I finally got Chase to sleep, finished grading papers, and collapsed into the couch, Mommy Guilt would snuggle up next to me and sweetly say “shouldn’t you spend some quality time with your husband instead of checking out?” And finally, before I fell asleep each night, Mommy Guilt would whisper in my ear, “YOU KNOW, THE ONLY WAY YOU’RE GOING TO BE A GOOD MOTHER AND WIFE IS IF YOU QUIT YOUR JOB AND STAY HOME.”
And so now I’m a stay-at-home mom. And the thing is that Mommy Guilt stays home with me. These days I experience her less as a drive-by-shooter and more as a constant commentator. Now she sounds like this:
“Did you go to all three of those college classes just so you could clean the kitchen and play Candy Land all day? And how is it that you don’t even do those things very well? Can you concentrate on nothing? Look at this mess! A good mom would clean more and play less. Also, a good mom would clean less and play more. Also a good mom would clean more and play more and quit emailing altogether. Additionally, I’ve been meaning to ask if you’re sure you feel comfortable spending so much money when you don’t even make any. Moreover, when was the last time you volunteered at Chase’s school? What kind of stay at home mom doesn’t go to PTA meetings or know how to make lasagna? Furthermore, nobody in this house appreciates you.”
My favorite, though, is that when I finally do sit down, concentrate on one of my kids, and read a few books all the way through… instead of saying “Good job!” Mommy Guilt says, “See how happy your daughter is? You’re home all day…why don’t you do this more often?”
And of course, before I go to sleep every night she whispers… “YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU’D BE A BETTER MOTHER AND WOMAN IF YOU COULD JUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND WORK.”
Mommy Guilt is like that scene from “Liar Liar” in which Jim Carrey enters a bathroom, throws himself against the walls, slams his head into the toilet, and rubs soap into his eyes. When a confused observer asks what on Earth he’s doing he says, “I WAS KICKIN’ MY ASS! DO YA MIND?”
I understand the act of kicking one’s own ass. I do it all the time.
What I don’t understand is why some ladies insist on making everything worse by kicking each other’s asses.
To the women who argue vehemently that all “good mothers” stay at home: Are you nuts? If you got your way, who would show my daughters that some women actually change out of yoga pants and into scrubs and police uniforms and power suits each day? How would my girls even know that women who don’t feel like carrying diaper bags can carry briefcases or stethoscopes instead…or also? How, pray tell, could I tell them with a straight face that they can grow up to be whatever they want to be?
And to the women who argue that all stay home mothers damage women’s liberation: Are you nuts? Aren’t you causing some damage by suggesting that we all must fit into a category, that women are a cause instead of individuals? And doesn’t choosing to spend your limited time and energy attacking “us” set “us” back? But for argument’s sake, what if you got your way and every mother was required to work outside of the home? What would that mean to ME? Who would volunteer to lead my son’s reading group at school, host his class party, plan his Sunday school lesson or wait with him in the parking lot when I forget to pick him up? Who would watch my daughter while the baby gets her shots? Who would knock on my door and tell me that my keys are still in the front door, the doors to my van are open, and my purse is in the driveway?
And if every woman made the same decision, how would my children learn that sometimes motherhood looks like going to work to put food on the table or stay sane or share your gifts or because you want to work and you’ve earned that right. And that other times motherhood looks like staying home for all of the exact same reasons.
As far as I can tell, no matter what decision a woman makes, she’s offering an invaluable gift to my daughters and me. So I’d like to thank all of you. Because I’m not necessarily trying to raise an executive or a mommy. I’m trying to raise a woman. And there are as many different right ways to be a woman as there are women.
So, angry, debating ladies… here’s the thing. My daughter is watching me AND you to learn what it means to be a woman. And I’d like her to learn that a woman’s value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different than she is. I’d like her to learn that her strength is defined by her honesty and her ability to exist in grey areas without succumbing to masking her insecurities with generalizations or accusations. And I’d like her to learn that the only way to be both graceful and powerful is to dance among the endless definitions of the word woman… and to refuse to organize women into categories, to view ideas in black and white, or to choose sides and come out swinging. Because being a woman is not that easy, and it’s not that hard.
And speaking of “Liar Liar” – angry debating ladies . . . when you yell about how much peace you have with your decisions, it just doesn’t ring true. The thing is, if you’re yelling, I don’t believe that you’ve got it all figured out. I don’t even believe that YOU believe you’ve got it all figured out. I think your problem might be that you’re as internally conflicted as the rest of us about your choices. But instead of kicking your own ass, you’ve decided it’d be easier to kick ours.
Which is tempting, but also wrong.
So, maybe instead of tearing each other up, we could each admit that we’re a bit torn up about our choices, or lack thereof. And we could offer each other a shoulder or a hand. And then maybe our girls would see what it really means to be a woman.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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370 Comments
This is not something I really struggled with as I made the decision long ago (before college!) to be a stay at home mom. Its what my mom did and I am so grateful she was there for my sister and I.
I did struggle with working moms who thought because I was stay at home that I must get bored and that my home must be spotless or else I was a complete failure. Now that I’ve been at home with my children for 5 years I can easily let those comments roll off my back. I’ve put the time in, I know what I am doing and my worth. I dont need their validation, Im glad I am a stay at home mom. I dont need to tear down working moms so that I can feel better about myself either.
Maybe everyone should take a step back & stop worrying so much about what other people think of our choices. Who cares if so-and-so thinks what! Do what is right for you and don’t spend so much time worrying about what your choices look like to others. Stand up for your decisions and don’t waste time worrying about being judged by others. No one is the perfect mother….when women stop competing with each other and stop living in a fantasy world about what actually being a mother means we will all feel a lot more comfortable with the choices we make for ourselves and our families. Don’t compare yourself or your family to others, all comparing does is take away your joy. Look for the strength to not care what others think of YOUR CHOICE, whether that choice is to stay home or work full-time. Also, remember that there are probably millions of women who wish they could trade spots with you and stay home or even go to work full-time but they aren’t able to find a job. Put yourself in others shoes so you can empathize with them but also be strong enough to be comfortable with your situation. Along with being strong enough to not care what others think or judge us for we also need to be kind to ourselves. Just because you haven’t done all your fun pinterest crafts with your kids or read 3 books with them every day of the week doesn’t mean they are going to be shattered for life and grow up to be broken adults. You can be the most attentive parent in the world and your child can grow to have major problems and vice versa. Just do your best, stand proudly in your decisions, don’t compare or judge others, and lighten up on yourself when it comes to being a parent. All the time you spend torturing yourself is time and energy that can be spent doing positive things and concentrating on positive feelings. Time is finite, and it goes by fast!
Amen sister! How we treat each other when we have little eyes and ears watching and listening is more important that our actual decisions or differences that we have.
” Don’t wait for someone to be kind. Show them how.”
I have done both and am currently staying home. I’M SO HAPPY. I nurtured our home, our kids and my husband. I am not perfect and sometimes the house is a wreck. Sometimes I mess up app’ts. Sometimes our dinner is less than stellar. But I’m happy. I rarely freak out now about being late or feeling overwhelmed or feeling unappreciated. I know I am appreciated when I see my family sit down together at dinner and talk. I know I am appreciated when our children are free to invite kids over after school with little notice, knowing I will gladly open the door and welcome them in. They thank me for these things sometime and will occasionally comment on friends who don’t. Our home is not huge and it’s not perfect. But it’s secure and I don’t regret a minute of leaving work to make it that way. My degrees are not wasted because I’ve shown our children that although I am highly qualified to work outside the home, I have chosen to scale back and be home with them. That makes our choice all the more special and as they age, they see that. We talk about it. How could that ever be a waste?
Melissa…
this comment made me smile. I LOVE that you’ve found your fit. I LOVE that you’ve found peace for yourself and your family. Good for you, mama.
Sister On.
G
Yes. This is exactly how I feel too! People always ask me if I feel sick about going to college for 6 years and now I’m just staying at home. I’ve learned to just smile and say “no, no sickness here.”
Wow. Like you I have been on both sides of the fence and it truely doesn’t matter what side you are on. I beat myself up on both sides. So the only thing that does matter are your children- are they happy and do they KNOW that you love them. It doesn’t matter what others think, we just have to focus on our families and balence it as much as we can. And stop being so hard and judgemental on each other and more supportive.
Bethanne- what you said summed it up for me.
“the only thing that does matter are your children- are they happy and do they KNOW that you love them”
I can positively say YES, my son knows I love him and he is very happy. I may not be as on top of things as I’d like to be. Sometimes I need to remind myself that it’s more important that I played with him today, while I still can, then organized my magazines or dusted the lampshades.
It shows in his happiness.
I completely disagree with the assumption that you can’t feel peace about the decision you make. I think it’s sad that in an attempt to make everyone happy NO one gets to be happy?? That is a lose-lose situation for everyone. If you don’t have peace it’s because something needs to change.
I like Glennons attempt to help us love each other. That IS most important. I just think we can be happy and at peace with ourselves in the process.
I don’t think she’s saying that you can’t feel peace with something, just that if you’re yelling and screaming about it, it’s hard to believe that you’re at peace with yourself.
I absolutely LOVE this!!!! Well done!
Thank you for writing this! I agree that women can be harsher critics of women than men. When we can’t support each other without questioning the why of different choices, how can we teach our children – girls or boys – to be more open and less judging.
this is truly inspired. you have such a gift with words and truth and vulnerability. thanks for reminding us that we all have gifts. the gift of our children, the gift of our time, the gift of choosing what we think is best for our families.
WOW!!!! This debate totally wore me out…Working Mom’s, YOU ROCK!!!… Stay-at-home Mom’s YOU ROCK as well! I’m a Grandma…once both a working and a stay-at-home mom. I am now a stay-at-home Grandma and after reading this, my rocker is moving across the room as my frustration builds. There is NO wrong…there is NO right!
God made each of us unique, with different gifts, to use to further His Kingdom.
GUILT does NOT come from God…EVER…NEVER…NOT IN ANY WAY, ANY SHAPE OR ANY FORM. Guilt will whisper, for one reason or another, until our final breath is drawn. Please, when “Momma Guilt” or ANY Guilt begins take a moment, draw a deep breath and ask God what He thinks. YOU ROCK!!!!
Thank you for this extremely well-written piece that expresses the feelings of so many of us who refuse to join in the Mommy Wars. It’s always struck me as odd that women can’t see how the entire debate hurts our gender. Is there such thing as Daddy Wars? Do men sit around and judge/demean the choices of other men, less for the intellectual debate of discussing the proper role of men in society and more for self gratification?
What we women, as a gender, should be discussing is why it’s important to have women represented in all aspects of our society–because of the important perspective women bring to the table. We need women in positions of power because they make decisions for the right reasons (e.g., “Let’s not cheat our investors”), and we need women raising our children so they make similarly-reasoned decisions in the future. None of us is less important than the other.
And most important, nothing is forever. A working mom can, with an ill child, become a stay-at-home care giver, just as quickly as a loss of a job can force a stay-at-home mom back to work. Women are essential to a well-functioning society, no matter their role. It is my hope, with pieces like yours, we’re closer than ever to moving toward that realization.
Beautiful.
I second that!
One of the best things I’ve read on this whole topic…you captured both ‘sides’ beautifully.
Well done!
I love, love, LOVE this post. My sisters face this debate every day, and I’m sure it’s a constant battle for them. I hope one day all these angry women can come together to decide and promote the knowledge that each & every job that we do as women is something huge!
I say, “Live and let live.” To each his own. People have to make the best choices for themselves and their families. The vast majority of people are simply trying to do the best they can. Life is tough, and we all have to make choices (actually, we have the LUXURY of making choices (for example, even people who “have” to work have the luxury of being *able* to work)) which carry consequences.
Not only do I work, but as the breadwinner of my family, I work the most. Could I take a 9 to 5 job and spend more time at home? Certainly, but my family and I have collectively decided to take a different route. Do I wish I could do things like meal plan and make crafts and see my kids in the afternoon? Of course – but I also love providing for my familyand being able to show them the world while showing them that the world is their oyster.
I would never get riled up about another woman’s choices. I figure she is making the best decision for herself and her family, just like I am. I figure that a mother’s love is pretty much the same in most circumstances – boundless, self-sacrificing and whole.
So beautiful…. “a mother’s love is pretty much the same in most circumstances – boundless, self-sacrificing and whole.”
This is the perfect presentation of the thoughts I’ve struggled with since I started straddling the line between the two worlds of mom-dom! After teaching full time in the traditional setting for seven years, our family moved and decided I would “stay home” and teach part time online. Like you, I have seen “both sides” of the argument, and can’t handle the nasty, bitter attitudes that women in both scenarios have toward the “others.” THANK YOU for articulating our feelings so eloquently. I hope we can learn to support one another, because we are only hurting ourselves and our children by fighting to be “the best.” <3
Awesome! Just read this after helping at a youth retreat, and realized all the ladies there were the stay at home moms. Not that that is the “right” way. But… I was so thankful they were able to take on the task. And just as thankfully I thought of all the female teachers who gave up their school for the weekend. As you illustrated we are all interconnected and all have an important roles, on both sides.
I am in agreement with you 100%. My mother always pushed me to have some kind of high-powered career, and the whole time I was growing up, I had that in the back of mind. I always thought I NEEDED to have a job. It never occurred to me that I might want to be a stay-at-home mom. Then I had my first baby, and going back to work afterwards was awful. I missed her every second of the day. When I became pregnant with my second child, I decided to stop working. It was definitely a struggle for us financially, but it was totally worth it for my emotionally, and, thankfully, I am blessed with a husband who puts my wants and needs, as well as our daughters’ needs, first. I have since started doing billing for a doctor that I have known for a long time, but I only have to work 24 hours a week to get done what he needs, so I am still home with my babies the majority of the time. Hopefully one day soon, my husband’s business will have grown enough that I can completely stop working again, because my heart is at home caring for my family. Long story short, I think it really depends on the woman as to which is “best”, be it staying at home or working. If a woman has the ability as well as the desire to stay at home, then that is where she needs to be. If a woman feels the need to engage her mind in career-pursuits or just enjoys that kid-free time every day and it helps her be a better mother when she gets home, than that woman should be working. It just depends,
I agree. I’m a full-time working mom, and I miss my kids every day. Financially, it’s just not possible for me to stay home with my two little ones. Going back to work after my first maternity leave ended, I learnt that I’m actually a better mom having that time away. I had more patience and I treasured my time with my little girl WAY more than when I was at home with her. Going back to work the second time (after my maternity leave with my son) was harder. A lot harder. I still miss them and I’ve been back at work for 7 months already. But whenever Mommy Guilt starts on me, I remember that this was the right choice for our family. Besides the fact that I had to go back to work for financial reasons, I do believe I’m a better mom now. I only have 3 hours (awake) with my kids a day, but those three hours are spent on THEM! I know some stay-at-home moms who don’t give that kind of time to their kids. So that fact is what I smack Mommy Guilt with. LoL!
Every mother/family needs to do whatever works and is right for their family. 🙂
So well written, and so very true. Thank you!
Perhaps the thing that will rid this debate once and for all is having more and more women who have been both working-moms and stay-at-home moms. Once you’ve done both, you have a great deal of empathy and understanding for both sides. And maybe news/tv/radio producers need to stop gathering women together for these kinds of mean-spirited panels.
Someone once told me that I could have it ALL, I just couldn’t have it ALL at the same time! I have also done it several ways…stayed home when my darling girl was tiny, worked part time when she was toddler and elementary school aged and she went to her grandparents when I or my husband were working and went back to work full time when she was on the verge of eye rolling and didn’t quite want me in the classroom quite so much!! I didn’t work her last two years in high school and thought that was wonderful. Now that she is away at school, we talk every couple of days, text often and email most days. When I hear her say that she can’t wait to be a mom, I believe that I raised her to be the best kind of girl she can be!!
Thank you…Thank you…Thank you! You have no idea how much I needed to read these words right now.
I am a fairly new Monkee, but have been touched by the power of your words and the hearts of the Monkees. When so much in our world seems to be falling apart, it is encouraging to know the power simple acts of kindness and gentle words can have on those around us.
I am a fairly novice and naive mother. Since May of 2012 I have become the mother of a 15 year old and a 5 month old. My husband and I became custodial guardians of a 15 year old boy and I gave birth to our son on September 2nd. Juggling the needs of a hormonal teenager and helpless baby have been eye-opening and exhausting. I left my 6 year teaching career in the middle school classroom to become a stay-at-home mom for our children; however, I was not able to fully be unemployed so I now teach in the virtual education world as a 10th grade teacher. I seem to face the dreaded Mommy Guilt demon that you accurately described on almost a daily basis. I still yearn for the faces of my students in the classroom, yet know that I should cherish the moments I now have at home with our 5 month son and flexibility to accommodate the needs of our 15 year old active son. I know that I “should” be thankful for this job opportunity, especially now that my husband lost his job. Despite this blessing, I feel like I am many times being tugged back and forth between the world of Stay-at-home Moms and the Working Mom — really not belonging in either realm.
Thank you again for your words of encouragement. This afternoon they helped to suppress the shards of guilt that are trying to poke at my conscience. Right now I just need to take a deep breath and remember that my focus should be on raising our two sons to become young men of integrity and compassion.
Yes, yes, yes, and then yes again! I’ve been reading your blog since the summer, and even going back in the archives. You have written so much truth, but today’s post is just plain above and beyond. THIS is the kind of dialog women need to have, THIS is the kind of attitude of support that we need to give one another, THIS is the grace that we all need to be the mothers that God created us to be!
Thank you Glennon, you are truly a gift to the community of women and mothers.
I read everyone of your posts and am touched by all of them. Mommy guilt is an ever present ghost in the back of my head, telling me I’m never enough. This post is my absolute favorite that you have ever written. We need to teach our daughters how amazing it is to be a woman in this day. We have choices and we should celebrate that each of us can make different choices!
Love. Just love.
Very well said! I would add that women as a whole still face significant challenges including higher rates of poverty (than men), domestic (and non-domestic) violence, objectification in the media, lack of paid maternity leave and affordable, high-quality childcare and a persistent gender pay gap. As half of the population, if we banded together and embraced the idea of women as a broad category instead of tearing each other down, maybe we could make a difference in overcoming some of these challenges.
Wow! So well written and powerful. I’ve been the working mom and the SAH mom. You NAILED it! I kick my own butt everyday. I hope those that NEED to read this do. Thank you so much for writing this.
I appreciate this soooo much. Thank you for saying exactly what I have been feeling for quite some time. I have been apart of a growing blog and fitness business for the last two years. Just this year I have lost two friends over their judgement on me choosing to have a career other than just my children, but also judging me for being apart of the health and fitness movement. Little do they know that I have been able to spend more time with my daughters because of this business and not only that but my daughters are watching their mommy take care of herself and be confident. I only hope that I can instill confidence in my girls and simply find balance. The curious thing is…why do other women, feel as though this is a place to cast out judgement? I work hard and love hard. It’s strange to me, the reasons that people feel it’s their place to state their opinions. Thank you. Let’s just love and support each other, right?!
XO,
Tessa from TessaVanWade.com
Thank you.
Peg, I’m in Oakland, CA! Great to see a local Monkee on here 🙂
Yes!! When will people really understand that it’s “work” either way!
I am taking my Minor in Women’ studies and this post ties in nicely. I was thinking of you Glennon as I read the highly recommended book for ALL women, “Our Bodies,, Ourselves.” For the massive addition you can find it at the library or order it for 30 bucks. The US version covers the Obama health care initiatives (what is positive and what is negative) how to find good health insurance and speak up for your rights, information regarding the health care system, safer sex, environmental health risks, body image, local and global activism, sexual tips and health, tons of official sage unbiased websites to find information regarding women’s issues, and topics for both the stay at home mom and the working mom…as well as thoughts on the good and bad of abortion. It is an unbiased book full of justice and well being.
BECAUSE you are a lover of justice, inspiration and well being I thought you would love the opportunity to be aware of this book. As women we need to be aware of ALL of these issues and start to inspire and encourage and not tear down. Education is part of empathy and compassion. Websites like newmoon.com or hghw.org or nameitchangeit.org give girls and women a platform to interact in healthy manners- like you do too!
Good on you for spreading this needed education, thought process, and enlightenment! I hope you can find the book (near the beginning of sexual health there are some more graphic pictures but the book does not need to be read in order. You would esp love the chapters on women’s social justice, trafficking, and raising our voices to share our stories!!
Thanks for sharing your stories…
And the boys?! They are watching and learning too: of women and how we treat each other: We, as women, are a shared resource that comes without strings( mostly): for all of us know at any given time; we need each other “for something” both tangible and intangible.
Even the boys are not left out of this learning: for they should know we stand firmly on our own as women at work and at home– and have a village behind us, and not between us. They could learn a lot from our example in “reaching out” while we try to “reach in” through our own conversations and actions. Lessons for the present and their future!
I enjoy putting on my steel toe boots for work. They have purpose in them.
So do my dirt filled camp boots from so many adventures in scouting with the older boys. They have purpose in them.
So do my “fancy” 3 inch high black pumps I get to wear not to often these days. They have purpose in them.
So do my bare feet sliding across the floor I just cleaned running after the three year old dripping a popsicle along the way. Bare feet also have purpose in them.
A long time ago, a professor of mine at the U of M wrote a book called THE SECOND SHIFT. May be worth another look 20 plus years later….seems a reoccurring theme in our collective journeys.
Loved this posting today. No matter how you slice it: it is hard. We should not make it harder by criticizing each other. It does no good service to any– and takes away from the PURPOSE we have in any shoe (or lack thereof) we wear TODAY.
Boys pay attention to the purpose as well– and at least mine appreciate the “need” for shoes to suit the purpose.
Amen. I have sons, and hope that they see options for women (and themselves!) when they look around and see both myself busting my butt 50 hours a week and trying to balance it all, and when they see friends of mine who do it differently. I struggle with guilt ALL the time, and I do have struggles being friends with SAHM’s but in part because of jealousy of some of the time they have available for spending with their kids that I don’t, and in part because I feel like we just live too differently. For many of us, we’d rather be doing the opposite of what we are, but simply can’t for a variety of reasons.
But I don’t believe there is anything productive in arguing it, and believe there is no one right way to do it- mothering is a tough job, and balancing it all is easy for no one.
Oh and for the record, this stay at home mom doesn’t do squat with PTA, etc. I can barely through a birthday party together. I learned, finally, that I can only do so much, and I can do even less WELL; so I focus on trying to do a great job and few things; namely kids one, two, three and four.
Yes, Yes, Yes! Right on Glennon!
I used to be a working mommy, then a stay at home mommy, and now a work from home mommy (in-home daycare provider)! You are right, there is always guilt…but their can be great joy too! The secret to joy is gratitude! Gratitude for the trivial, small moments, for the big moments, for the brutiful moments. We need to model happiness, joy, peace or some sort of contentment with the decisions we chose. Let’s live this one wild and precious life happily and grateful so that our children can too. Let’s be the adults we want our children to become. Let us model respect for the decisions of others and respect for ourselves! It isn’t easy, it takes practice, but we can do hard things!
Love your comment! Gratitude is where it’s at!
I’ve thought about this a lot. I believe being a mother is the most important thing a woman can be, and she has to do what she has to do in order to be the best mother she can be. I know some woman who work outside the home who are better mothers for it, and I know some woman, like myself, who would rather die than set foot inside an office, or have a deadline. The bottom line, each woman has to do what is right for her and her family.
A-freaking-men!
I have to say I don’t struggle with “mommy guilt” and never have. I have never understood why people want to scream at each other over their choices but I also don’t understand why we want to silence the sides. I think there is something missed when we agree to disagree. Is it so difficult to examine our own choices in the light of others?
Thank you for saying that you don’t struggle with “mommy guilt.” I am the same. But beating each other up over which is “better,” drives me nuts. Some of us in position to have choices. I stayed at home some; I worked part-time some; and I have mainly worked full-time. My husband is probably the far better parent. Our sons (now 28 and 25) have turned out very well. My goal from early on was reasonably smart, polite children. Winners on both counts.
I’m so glad to see a couple other ladies here who don’t struggle with Mommy guilt. I’ve never really struggled with it, maybe because I saw my Mom struggle so much (just a theory). Anyways, I have a 2 year old and a 3 month old and I work full time. I LOVE being a working Mom, but if you would have told me before I had kids that I would be a working mom someday I would have laughed at you. At the end of the day I might not spend as much time with my kids as a stay at home mom, but I try to make the time I do spend quality and I know my kids love me (and I love them), so that is all that really matters.
Needed this, especially today. Explained so well from every angle, but most especially by Mommy Guilt–she’s a tough bitch isn’t she?
I loved this post! I love what you said about teaching your daughter to be a woman and knowing that it isn’t about the career but rather how she treats other women, specifically women that make different choices than she does. I don’t have kids yet, but the mommy wars hurt my heart already. I know I will feel those blows. This opened my eyes to some things that I could already do right now to stop the war. Thank you!
I totally agree. I have been saying this for so long. I have no time for judging Mommy “friends.” I love my stay at home Mom friends and my working Mom friends. I’ve done both too and both have their pros and cons. I stopped beating myself up as much as can. Thanks for spreading the word!
Love, love, LOVE this! Yup, that about sums it up.
I love your message. I’ve also been a working mom and a stay-at-home mom, and I could match your self-guilting inner dialog almost word for word. Raising kids to be able to take advantage of great opportunities is difficult enough without being torn down for choices we make in service of those goals. Should I feel guilty that I prefer to volunteer for PTA for a few years knowing that while I’m not working, we’re not adding to the kids’ college fund? Perhaps, but I don’t think so. If there’s anything that kids benefit from learning, it’s that life runs more smoothly when you make choices based on your own priorities and your own values, and not on anyone else’s.
So well said, and very needed…past needed. The debate is so tiring. I think we are all looking for validation in our choices, so instead of going deep and finding the validation within, we look to (and demand) others to agree with us and make the same decisions. Then we are validated. It’s threatening if someone doesn’t agree and therefore doesn’t fulfill that need to be validated. So we attack. Whether it’s about working or not, your faith, or political party. Thank you for writing so eloquently about how damaging attacking each other can be.
Amen, G. amen!
Well said, as always, Glennon!
On a side note, shouldn’t one of the moms in your clip art have yoga pants on? 😉
Hey girl. Say it.
I think if we’d all love ourselves and realize we are doing the very best we can with what we’ve got, we wouldn’t feel the need to defend our choice so loudly OR defend our choice by criticizing the choices of other moms. When a mom criticizes the choices of another, to me it says, “I’m not happy with my own choice, so I’m going to make yours sound worse. Then I’ll feel better.”
If we each cut ourselves some slack and loved ourselves, there’s a good chance we wouldn’t care so much whether other moms stay at home or not.
WELL DONE! You’ve hit the nail on the head!
Very well expressed with wonderful points. I can’t agree more! That said, is it really that impossible to believe that a mom CAN be at peace with her decision, whatever the decision may be? It seems awfully disheartening to accept that whatever we do, it is not enough and can only mean we are somehow failing at something. We also need to cut ourselves some slack and find peace and happiness in however we deliver on our role as mothers – knowing that doing our best really is more than good enough.
My husband and I were just talking about this. Now that my kids are older (youngest is 2), I’m struggling with the guilt of not having a ton to do during the day when he’s napping because I don’t have anyone else around (you can only clean, get dinner ready, etc. so much before just wanting a break). But, I know the times when all of my kids are home, they need me here.
What I find most important is trying to figure out what’s best for the family-taking into account financial needs, children’s needs, spouse’s needs, etc. and then being confident in the decision made for your family. Some people might not have the options I have to stay at home; others might have the option and it’s best for their family to work. It’s none of my business. I hope to support all of the moms I encounter right where they are. My own family thought I was throwing away my career (I’m a lawyer) and maybe I am. But for now, I am confident my decision is right for my family. Thanks for your post.
Like I tell my kids, God has a place for everyone. If someone isn’t in their place, how would we spread love?
Thanks, G.
I worked outside of the home and now work from home, and just had my third baby. I think some guilt is good, and it bothers me that it seems the focus is always about “dealing with the guilt” instead of “fixing the problem”. When I worked out of the home, I had an enormous amount of guilty feelings. I looked at them and thought about how much was reasonable and how much wasn’t. The fact was, I had not tried any alternatives to working outside the home. There, the guilt helped spur me to find work I could do at home. When I feel guilty about how messy my house is, I sit back and see if maybe I haven’t been using God’s time as well as I could. Sometimes the answer is yes, I have been wasting time or not been as effective with it as I could. When that’s the case, I make a plan to do better. Sometimes the answer is no, and then I just accept that my house is a mess and decide to try not to let it bother me so much. And try to forgive the other women that judge me for it, and just accept that this is life when I work from home and have three kids. Either way, I don’t just dismiss the guilty feelings. I analyze them and then take action – either to dismiss them or to fix what needs to be fixed. If I did not have the guilt to begin with, I might become stagnant and never reflect on what I am doing with my life.
Well said Carrie… sounds like you and your family are happier for all your thoughtful insights and decisions!
Hmm. Interesting point, and I think I might agree.
Maybe thinking about it in terms of constructive vs. destructive guilt might help with understanding this?
Worry and anxiety are helpful when – and only when – they are limited to being short-term reminders that help us fix important things. If they’re swimming around in our head all the time and holding us back from getting things done rather than helping us get somewhere, they’re doing harm.
Guilt is, I think, somewhat similar. There’s reasonable guilt – that exists to indicate that we’ve messed up – and unreasonable guilt – which selects *something* to pick on us for and drains us like a parasite no matter what we have done or not done. Glennon is pretty clearly describing the unreasonable guilt in this piece, where no matter which decision you make, you feel guilty about it, or where you feel guilty about things that are totally outside your control, or for things you just shouldn’t feel guilty about.
We cannot do everything. Unreasonable guilt nags at us, telling us to measure up to a variety of literally impossible standards (24 hours in a day aren’t going to stretch to daily scrapbooking about each member of the family while organically goat-farming and keeping a completely pristine eclectic but beautifully coordinated house and volunteering everywhere that volunteers are needed and also home-cooking all-natural foods that you picked up while bicycling for all three meals per day plus a quaint afternoon snack cut into adorable shapes made while knitting socks for the family from the wool from the sheep in your backyard and dyed with homegrown beets and hosting business guests with unique-but-appropriate appetizers which coordinate with the decorating theme, to the background of your perfect guitar playing while you wear clothing you designed and sewed yourself from gorgeous vintage remnants found at the thrift store). (I do not suffer from guilt about the vast majority of these things, but am too much of a chicken to list what I have actually thought I “ought” to do, because it would sound almost equally silly)
Reasonable guilt tells us when we’ve *actually* messed up our priorities or actions (those situations where it is appropriate to apologize or change things around). But a lot of people are sitting under a pile of bizarre (and even entirely incompatible) expectations and unreasonable guilt is only making life harder and more miserable, not better.
To use a winter metaphor: a lot of times, people need to shovel off all the snow (unreasonable guilt) before they can really make progress on filling in the potholes (the things that need to change). If people are listening to unreasonable guilt and trying to fix things, they’re just running around like mad on top of the packed-deep snow, trying to fill in the bumps and ruts in the ice – which is ultimately pretty futile and doesn’t improve the road surface long-term. Yes, they need to know there are potholes under there somewhere and keep an eye out for them to fix them whenever possible, but sometimes the more urgent thing to do is clear away the junk that is keeping them from being able to accurately spot the real problems!
(but yes; if people say “there are no potholes; we’re all perfect and don’t need to work at changing or apologize for anything”… that’s also a problem)
Or as Kid president put it so wisely in his pep talk. Aren’t we all on the same team? I’m on your team, be on my team. I, like you Glennon have been on both sides of this discussion and I’m here to tell you that staying at home is hard and being a working mom is hard as well. And at the end of the day aren’t we all just laying our heads on the pillow and saying “she did what she could”? I know I sure do!!
Very eloquently and elegantly put. You have put into words what I had the idea of, all these years. My kids are both adults now, and I stayed at home while they were preschool, went part time while in elementary, and full time in middle school/high school. So like you I have done both, and never was able to shake the guilt. Thank you for putting in to words what I never could verbalize.
Thank you for writing a balanced and fair view of this dilemma. Why can’t we all just get along!! For me personally I would have loved to be a stay at home mom but if we wanted to live in something other than a cardboard box under the train station I had no choice but to work. This was not a choice but a requirement of my life. It actually sucks that it wasn’t a choice and I think there are plenty of Mom’s like me who wish they could have stayed home but due to finances had no choice but to work. I think ther is a big difference when its becomes choice to work or not.
This is my favorite thing you’ve ever written. Followed closely by everything else you’ve ever written. Let’s lift up, not drag down. Love.
Perfectly said! No matter what decision we make, we are all racked with guilt, we all wonder if we made the right choice and we are all just trying to do best by our families and ourselves. Mothers need to support one another so we can create a culture that supports families (whatever they look like) and not tear each other down.
While I love everything you said about not being able to decide for another woman and I think that we’ve come so far to even HAVE a choice I do notice that in all of these type of pieces the children’s desires are not mentioned. I’m sure there is not one baby who if they could tell us with words, would say “I want my mother to leave every day to go to work.” Now, if mom knows for a fact that she is a better mother because she works, that baby is in caring, competent hands while she is away, or that she has no choice financially then those are all great reasons to work – and NOT FEEL GUILTY.
I too, know what it feels like to have all those nasty thoughts in your head. I’ve been with my kids almost constantly since my daughter was born 6 1/2 years ago and I have had terrible gremlins reside in my head. Those are things that we can work on personally – by loving and accepting ourselves, by being truly conscious about our choices and by being very deliberate. We don’t have to feel guilty.
Guilt is a sign. To dig into why or to start being kinder to yourself. Or both.
If a woman really, truly has the *choice* of whether to stay home or not (finances are not an issue and she can be happy not working) then personally I think the child’s desires (and I think needs) should weigh into that decision…
Was I as clear as mud? Here’s something else I wrote about this: http://www.togetherwalking.com/1/post/2013/01/modern-mother-conflicted-and-confused.html
I really agree with you that it’s best to stay home when there is a choice. For us, there is no choice- my husband is home part time with the kids and that is definitely better than neither, but there are somethings that I’d like to be more involved in. But in our case, I’m the one who can support the whole family, in part due to education/career choices he made, and now mainly due to an illness he battles that doesn’t allow him to work full time. He is a great dad though, and my kids are gaining so much by having him so involved. But I still think that if it was possible for me to be home with them, I would. I’d write and speak, but mainly be with them.
The child’s desires have very little to do with it. My kids desire is to eat nothing but jelly beans, but I would not be doing a good job of parenting them if just said that was ok. Our children need to learn life skills, that they are loved, and part of of a community. Families are so varied in their makeup that to say the ‘traditional’ family where the mother stays home is best for our kids is just simply not true. Kids need love and support, which frankly can be provided by someone other than ‘the mother’. Insisting that mothers staying home is best just contributes to the idea that a mother is solely responsible for the children which just isn’t reality. Fathers are so important, a broader network of loving adults is important.
I think it’s important to separate what we feel is best for our children from our children’s “desires”. My experience tells me that my children’s desires have very little to do with their needs. I believe what’s best for them (what they need) has to do with helping them to become responsible, self-reliant, happy adults, which often means not giving them what they desire today. My children absolutely desire a mommy slave who is 100% dedicated to their every whim. I firmly believe, and have witnessed this happen, that mommy slaves create selfish unhappy adults (regardless if the mommy slave is a stay at home mom or working outside the home mom!).
Perfect!
In addition, about children’s desires… sometimes my daughter just about pushes me out the door at daycare! She can’t wait to dive into all the toys and play with so many her friends all day. I’m happy that she loves her daycare so much.
This is inspired. I especially think that this part: “And I’d like her to learn that a woman’s value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different than she is” needs to be applied to how we teach our children to view EVERYONE around them. Thank you!
Yes. All of it. Thank you. Thank you! Thank you … from a mom who quit her job to stay home, then eventually opened her own business so she could be home when she needs to. I get Mommy Guilt coming at me from all directions, but I roll with the punches because I feel I’m doing the best thing for my family and myself at this point in life. (I just have to yell it sometimes when Mommy Guilt gets too loud.) 🙂
I’ve been struggling today (and honestly, lots of days lately) about being a working mom. Thanks for the reminder that the grass isn’t always greener. We’re all just truckin’ along doing the best we know how for our babies – we love them all the same.
So well said. I, too, have been both and the running commentary is always there. It’s been my experience that the mothers who beat each other up over it are the moms who are probably struggling with mom guilt the most…desperately trying to hold onto the notion that they are doing the right thing and lashing out at other moms to reassure themselves verbally. I dont’ even know if that makes sense to anyone but me (in my head…now that I see it, not so much maybe?). Anyway, love this. Thank you!
Perfectly said. Once again, thank you for putting into words the feelings I have on an issue. Ready to articulate about gun control versus gun rights?!
Thank you for this post. As the mother of two girls, I can only hope that some day they will understand that while I’m a working mother, I’m doing what’s best for our family. Not to say, I don’t miss them every day and wonder if I’m doing the right thing.
I really appreciate all that you said – and I agree with you. One thing I would add is that thinking about and agonising over all this stuff should not JUST be the job of Mommy alone. i am in awe of single parents who make the best of going it alone, but where there are two parents, I think they should share the load.
My husband and I share ‘primary’ parenting duty, and both work outside the home. I realise I am incredibly blessed to have a husband who loves me, loves spending time with our 7 year old, and who is also humble and supportive enough to do what it takes to allow me to be successful in work, too. We see ourselves as a team, and sometimes that means that one of us makes sacrifices to allow the other to flourish.
Honestly, I know that we are blessed and this can’t work for everybody. But surely Mommies shouldn’t have to be the ones with all the guilt?
YES!
Sorry, I also meant to post to this link to an excellent book on the topic by Susan Douglas. It’s not a new book, so most libraries should carry it.
http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Myth-Idealization-Motherhood-Undermined/dp/0743260465/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1360002538&sr=1-1&keywords=the+mommy+myth
I love this essay. What I would add, though, is that women are not just out there independently beating each other up. This “mommy war” has been deliberately cultivated for decades by conservatives who don’t want women to unite behind social programs that would benefit all families, such as quality, state-sponsored early childhood education/care. And, it’s exploited incessantly by journalists, who, to be fair, find their jobs more and more difficult as newsrooms are eliminated — and it’s easier to pick up a ready-made narrative with conflict, no end in sight, and willing combatants on each side. We need to do more than stop beating each other up. We need to start working together to demand the things our families need to thrive: child care, education, health care, paid maternity/paternity leave, etc.
YES!
Demand them from whom?
Michelle,I think that’s a pretty bold leap. You’re saying that the whole “mommy war” thing is the fault of conservatives? That’s a stretch and a bit of a slap in the face to all the conservatives I know who also don’t enjoy the mommy wars.
You nailed it. But then I am not surprised. You understand the power of love and the power of example. Thanks again for your “witnessing.”
I’m so glad you wrote this. I heard a similar “debate” on CBC last month.
In many ways the feminist movement failed us by demanding we be twice the woman who can do everything rather than have twice the choices and be respected for our contributions regardless of their particular address and audience! And when, pray tell, will the roles of men/masculinity be amended to accommodate choice for both genders?!
We are a divided populace casting accusations rather than supporting one another in discovering our individual strengths.
Thank you again.
The feminist movement didn’t fail. It started as a movement to secure rights for homemakers and stay-at-home mothers. It succeeded as far as getting women the right to join the workforce, but once it came to the programs that would have helped women successfully balance work and home life — state-funded, quality child care, for example, or mandatory paid time off to care for sick kids — that’s when conservatives started to fight back. The feminist movement had much bigger things in mind; it just wasn’t able to accomplish its whole agenda. And now conservatives have managed to convince an awful lot of us that we can’t be feminists and real women, which is going to make it hard to work together to demand the rest of the rights that movement orginally set out to achieve.
Respect is one way to show love, even is you don’t agree with someone. If we could all remember that, there’d be alot less of these sad debates and tearing one another down/apart.
It’s been my experience that the people you are the most defensive and angry about a position are also the most self-righteous. They can only be your friend if you agree with them about all life issues.
But Jesus didn’t call us to agree….he called us to follow Him and LOVE.
I really appreciate the way you have with words Glennon. Thank you for taking the time to show us what respect looks like with words and actions.
I’m going to go out on a limb and talk about the elephant in the room, which few seem to talk about. All discussions for guilt on both sides aside, there’s one HUGE distinction between the two – work outside, or stay home – and that is WHO is effected by the woman’s lack of ability to spend time appropriately upon, or ‘be there for’. At work – it’s your CLIENT. At home – it’s your CHILD. I hope it goes without saying that as women we all need to stick together and STOP this infernal bashing of one another’s choices. But the bottom line is, it’s NOT ABOUT US!! It’s about either our kids, or our clients. And if there’s trouble deciding which one a woman wishes to prioritize (for whatever reason), then THERE is the problem with this never-ending issue. I know this won’t be popular to mention, in our quite hideously self-focused society right now. But it’s NOT ABOUT US LADIES, IT’S ABOUT OUR CHILDREN. By not prioritizing our kids for the past 25+ years, we have raised a generation of persons who are lacking in many ways… self-respect, problem solving, critical thinking, security (emotional), and charity, just to name a few. Meanwhile, there is this generation of mothers who are ‘fulfilled intellectually’, or ‘fulfilled creatively’; yet don’t have any idea what it sounds like to hear two little girls talk as they play together on a quiet afternoon play date. Now THAT’S where you learn what kind of women we are raising! I ask just this – please think about who you are prioritizing… yourself? your client? or your family? If after answering that, and feeling truly good about it – then go forward with your decision and give it all the womanly power you can bring to it! I will support you, and help you be the best woman you can be, either way.
So, what is your advice to women for whom not working is not a choice at all, either because they’re single mothers or their spouses are unemployed (or employed but not making enough money to support the family on one salary)? The whole idea that to work or not to work is choice for most women is just laughable.
Do men who work outside the home value their clients or over their kids? I don’t think any man would ever be accused of undervalueing his children because he works outside the home, and yet that’s exactly what you’ve just done to working mothers. Just because you keep your language nice and polite does not mean your message isn’t harmful and mean.
Actually, it is different for men. My husband DOES prioritize his family. That’s WHY he works! He would actually much rather stay home and take care of the kids, but he sacrifices that to go to work. God gave women all the things needed to raise kids – breasts, uteruses, and usually better communication skills and empathy. Equal rights and equal pay does not mean that men and women were meant to have the same role in family life. We each have to accept our responsibilities, whichever they are.
We know couples where the husband is making enough to support the family, but the mother still works because she (or her husband) wants luxuries – cable TV, newer cars, Disneyland annual passes, manicures, pedicures, hair done, gourmet foods, designer clothes, cruises, etc. It kills me because I don’t want to work, but if I don’t work we don’t eat. As it is, I make close to $20,000 less a year because I work at home. That would have paid for childcare and some extra luxuries, but it isn’t worth it because I still value my children over the “extras” we would have with all that extra cash.
Funny, I thought that the “elephant in the room” was that no one was talking about what happens to women who check out of the working world for 15-20 years, and the impact it has on them in the future. Statistically, any marriage has an excellent chance of failing, unfortunately, and also statistically the ones who come out on the short end of the economic stick is the women, and their children if they’re still at home.
I don’t think anyone – male or female – is less of a parent for holding down a job, whatever the reasons they want the income. And the woman who keeps her career skills honed and fresh isn’t going to be the 50-something applying for foodstamps and working a minimum wage job when her meal ticket makes other arrangements for his life.
Full disclosure, I’m happily married, work full time, and my sons are in their high teens. I don’t anticipate ever having to go it on my own again…but then, who does? What I do know is that if I had to do it myself, I could.
I don’t think that doing a job well – which sometimes means putting our clients ahead of our children – is not the same thing as failing to prioritize our kids. Children learn a lot about hard work, dedication, and following through on commitments by watching a working parent. (Of course, I don’t think they can’t learn these lessons from a SAHM). I feel that watching both my parents work hard throughout my childhood was a formative experience. I didn’t like being the last one picked up at school or later freqently being responsible for caring for my younger sister when I was in high school, but despite not always having my immediate wants or needs put first above those of my parents, their employers, or my siblings, I always felt priortized. I think your argument could certainly apply where a child had above average needs and not working was an option, but I don’t think not having a SAH parent is detrimemental to a child who gets adequate attention and love in the time he is with his parents.
I know that in having a physician for a mother, my kids will get less time with me and there are some things on which I will miss out, but I hope that as a result they will learn that their dad is an equally competent caretaker, that personal sacrifice for others is important, and that intellectual pursuits are fun and interesting. These are not the same things they would learn from me if I were home, but I think that they are important lessons that I can teach by modeling for them. Basically, I guess my point is I think that that kids probably learn DIFFERENT but EQUALLY VALUABLE lessons from having parents who work and having a parent who stays home full-time.
Yes!
Maybe that’s the lesson. As a mom, pick out what lessons you want to/can teach your children. Then follow that path. If you know in your heart you are teaching the lessons you value most, then let go of the guilt. Make this decision carefully of course,
This feels like a trap. Momastery is a place for love and understanding, not judging. I do think your post shows some lack of understanding — for example, there are plenty of quiet afternoon playdates on the weekend where a working mom can hear two little girls talking. Maybe through greater understanding you would feel less judgmental of working mothers.
Our children’s needs are the most important thing, for working and at-home mothers alike. We meet their needs in different ways. For example, my SAHM friends spend a lot of time and mental energy trying to get social interaction for their kids and worrying that they don’t spend enough time playing with kids their age. My child spends all day with kids her age, at daycare! But I worry about her getting enough mom-time (and dad-time; again, an overlooked part of the discussion), and their kids get lots of mom-time. So, we’re all meeting our children’s needs, in different ways.
To quote a blog post I wrote on the same subject: Amen, hallelujah!
(If you’d like to check it out:
https://forsoothandforsythia.wordpress.com/2013/01/19/cant-we-all-just-get-along/)
Thanks, Glennon, for all you do!
G- Thanks for this. I am a working Mom, who has raised three girls. I worked because we needed the money and because I just didn’t do the whole Stay at Home thing well at all….My middle daughter, age 26 and a college grad (with $28,000 in loans to pay) announced to me that she wants to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom. I will admit. I was shocked! I was flabbergasted! I even judged as in, “who goes to college for four years and wants to stay home to clean toilets?” Don’t need a degree for that…..
I heard myself judging and realized that it isn’t for me to judge at all. I do my life and she has to do hers.
Your post today really hit home. Thanks so much!
I LOVE this article! I have also been on both sides of the stay-at-home and working Mommy lifestyles. After realizing that purely staying at home is not for me, I found a wonderful way to get out of the house a couple of times a week and make some extra income for my family – direct sales! I LOVE lia sophia and what it has done for me. Check out my website and see if it might be something you would enjoy, as well. I can set anyone in the US up with their own business for just $149 to start. 🙂 [email protected]
Yes. This is my inner monologue. Thank you.
THIS POST is why I love Momastery. THIS POST is why I want more women to join the reLOVEution. THIS POST is why I don’t debate those hot-button topics and I try to only offer my opinion when it’s solicited. THIS POST is what I share with my friends as I invite them to join in. G, you’re really awesome for sharing THIS POST (again). Yes.
I love you. You are so good at honesty, understanding, and recognizing. I think you are correct about all of it! It seems like the only things I am at peace with are the choices I have already made. And the only reason I am at peace with them is because I decided to be. Not because they were good choices. I needed to move on to the present so that I could bask in its uncertainty and unrest. Thank you for creating this place.
Thank you for this. I am home on my maternity leave and struggling with my return to work next week!
So well said. The balance is a dance, isn’t it? I often feel like I am dancing like Elaine on Seinfeld, but I just keep dancing anyway…no need for others to make fun and tell me I am doing it wrong. We all just need to dance together. 🙂
Amen, sister, AMEN. Found myself strugging with that exact dynamic on Friday, and today (on Monday), I’m still wrestling with it. We all make the best choices we know how, and we’re all just doing our best to get through the days.
LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE
I am not only the mother of 3 girls, but also the Girl Scout leader to a bunch of other girls. In Girl Scouts, we are all about developing leadership in girls. And I am trying REALLY HARD to teach my girls that a female leader comes in all shapes, sizes and forms. That a woman can be a leader in a business or in a school or in a church or in her home.
I believe that the mom who chooses to stay home because she wants to stay home, because she believes that she and her children will be the better for it, is being the best mom she can be in that moment. AND I believe that the mom who chooses to work, because she believes that she and her children will be the better for it, is also being the best mom she can be in that moment.
YES Melissa. And the mother who works or stays home because she HAS no other choice…is a family hero.
Amen.
Amen x 2. I dream of the day when I have a choice.
Love this! Why do we all pretend we are the only ones hearing that Nasty Mom Guilt? We would sure have more in common and be kinder to each other if we just remembered she hears the mom guilt too. Here are my tips to combat mom guilt: http://www.momentity.com/how-to-combat-mom-guilt/
always loved this one, always will
Amen, sister! We need to spend more energy focusing on what we have in common and admit our struggles to each other. We all, myself included, need to remember that our flaws make us who we are. Decisions are hard enough, but when they affect our kids, it can be brutal. Today, I am grateful and I hope and I pray for the guidance to make whatever choices are right for my family.
Love this! I know it’s a constant struggle of which choice is better. My mommy guilt is all over everything I do.
PS- I’m so glad you are showing the beauty and necessity of being in receiving mode because you need it. It’s when we deny ourselves that very thing when we need it that causes so much damage! Also a necessary lesson for our children!
Another masterpiece. How do you always manage to take what is an incoherent nebulous series of thoughts in my head and turn them into an organized and well constructed (and witty!) commentary? You are a genius.
Love it, and the commenter who stated that the most important thing our daughters learn from us is the attitude with which we do whatever our choice or life dictates. Do we do it well, do we strive for balance, do we accept ourselves even when we have done it imperfectly, and do we treat those we encounter with mutual respect and kindness.
Simply awesome. Thank you for articulating this so beautifully.
“So, angry, debating ladies… here’s the thing. My daughter is watching me AND you to learn what it means to be a woman. And I’d like her to learn that a woman’s value is determined less by her career choices and more by how she treats other women, in particular, women who are different than she is.”
Learning to live with difference — and then learning to appreciate it when possible without feeling threatened or diminished, seems to be the great lesson that is before me right now. Thanks, G. This was a necessary pleasure to read.
OMG Glennon,,,,, could not have put it better. All the first paragraphs about Mommy Guilt while you were a Woking Mom made me cry because I identified so much…. it’s my line of thinking each and everyday….
Thank you for being able to communicate so easily what we sometimes cannot understand or even express ourselves…
I am making your article a mandatory reading for ALL my friends, regardless of their choices, so that we understand each other better and the internal struggles we all have! Thank youuuuuuuuu!
Great post. Could not love it more. Nailed it! I’ve been just about all categories, and continue to kick my own ass regardless. I’m a huge believer in the ‘whoever smelt it dealt it’ philosophy, that the loudest and meanest people in the Mommy Wars are usually the most conflicted, even if it’s about something else.
Love it! I am speaking at an event in March about Women Leading Women and I hope you don’t mind if I quote you! As usual, you’ve articulated perfectly what I’ve been mulling over in my head (and heart!)
you are simply amazing. This is wonderful – should be required daily reading.
WOW! Amazing, this one. Simply amazing. Thank you.
AMEN!! I get so tired of this debate! Can’t we all do what we think is best for ourselves and our households and get a gold star for making it to the end of the day?!?!
I like it too.
And I love receiving mode. It’s such a valuable place to be.
You are so continually right on!
Thank you! this is a recurring theme in my feed lately and quite frankly it saddens me to read the comments bashing one another. I myself have been on both sides of the fence and was and am still conflicted about my decisions.
Preach it, sista!
I love this so much it actually hurts. Truly. What a hard day this Monday has turned out to be and yet, perspective is always there if we’re open to it. Thank you. Thank you.