School is beginning. Many of you have written to ask me what our family “Back to School” traditions are. If I haven’t responded, it’s because I stared at those questions and thought: CRAP. I’m supposed to have Back to School traditions???
If any, I suppose our traditions are getting crazy excited (Craig and I, not the kids), cursing through Target on the hunt for specific brands of scissors, and MAKING LUNCHES again. Why is making lunches SO hard?
Also, this: The Talk. We have The Talk with each child at the start of every school year. Our approach changes, but the story doesn’t. The story is always about Adam. Chase knows Adam’s story by heart now, and that is the point.
Please don’t forget to have The Talk. Below is how I do it, but like Rumi said, there are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground.
One way is to copy and paste this letter, change Chase to your kid’s name, and read it together. That’s what my girlfriends do. Totes fine with us.
Love You So. Happy School. And to those Monkee Mamas who left their littles at college this week. Well done. Well done, mamas. You can love them just as ferociously from a distance, right? With more time for manicures and books.
Carry On, Warriors.
Love, G
originally published on august 28, 2011
Dear Chase,
Hey, baby.
Tomorrow is a big day. Third Grade – wow.
Chase – When I was in third grade, there was a little boy in my class named Adam.
Adam looked a little different and he wore funny clothes and sometimes he even smelled a little bit. Adam didn’t smile. He hung his head low and he never looked at anyone at all. Adam never did his homework. I don’t think his parents reminded him like yours do. The other kids teased Adam a lot. Whenever they did, his head hung lower and lower and lower. I never teased him, but I never told the other kids to stop, either.
And I never talked to Adam, not once. I never invited him to sit next to me at lunch, or to play with me at recess. Instead, he sat and played by himself. He must have been very lonely.
I still think about Adam every day. I wonder if Adam remembers me? Probably not. I bet if I’d asked him to play, just once, he’d still remember me.
I think that God puts people in our lives as gifts to us. The children in your class this year, they are some of God’s gifts to you.
So please treat each one like a gift from God. Every single one.
Baby, if you see a child being left out, or hurt, or teased, a part of your heart will hurt a little. Your daddy and I want you to trust that heart- ache. Your whole life, we want you to notice and trust your heart-ache. That heart ache is called compassion, and it is God’s signal to you to do something. It is God saying, Chase! Wake up! One of my babies is hurting! Do something to help! Whenever you feel compassion – be thrilled! It means God is speaking to you, and that is magic. It means He trusts you and needs you.
Sometimes the magic of compassion will make you step into the middle of a bad situation right away.
Compassion might lead you to tell a teaser to stop it and then ask the teased kid to play. You might invite a left-out kid to sit next to you at lunch. You might choose a kid for your team first who usually gets chosen last. These things will be hard to do, but you can do hard things.
Sometimes you will feel compassion but you won’t step in right away. That’s okay, too. You might choose instead to tell your teacher and then tell us. We are on your team – we are on your whole class’s team. Asking for help for someone who is hurting is not tattling, it is doing the right thing. If someone in your class needs help, please tell me, baby. We will make a plan to help together.
When God speaks to you by making your heart hurt for another, by giving you compassion, just do something. Please do not ignore God whispering to you. I so wish I had not ignored God when He spoke to me about Adam. I remember Him trying, I remember feeling compassion, but I chose fear over compassion. I wish I hadn’t. Adam could have used a friend and I could have, too.
Chase – We do not care if you are the smartest or fastest or coolest or funniest. There will be lots of contests at school, and we don’t care if you win a single one of them. We don’t care if you get straight As. We don’t care if the girls think you’re cute or whether you’re picked first or last for kickball at recess. We don’t care if you are your teacher’s favorite or not. We don’t care if you have the best clothes or most Pokemon cards or coolest gadgets. We just don’t care.
We don’t send you to school to become the best at anything at all. We already love you as much as we possibly could. You do not have to earn our love or pride and you can’t lose it. That’s done.
We send you to school to practice being brave and kind.
Kind people are brave people. Brave is not a feeling that you should wait for. It is a decision. It is a decision that compassion is more important than fear, than fitting in, than following the crowd.
Trust me, baby, it is. It is more important.
Don’t try to be the best this year, honey.
Just be grateful and kind and brave. That’s all you ever need to be.
Take care of those classmates of yours, and your teacher, too. You Belong to Each Other. You are one lucky boy . . . with all of these new gifts to unwrap this year.
I love you so much that my heart might explode.
Enjoy and cherish your gifts.
And thank you for being my favorite gift of all time.
Love,
Mama
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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414 Comments
Oh! Thank you so much for sharing this! I will absolutely be having “the talk” with our kiddos tomorrow. I will also remember that compassion is God whispering to me and. Ravelry is a choice! Thanks again!
Thank you so much for this, Glennon! I have been following your site from afar for a while, but this post, in particular, spoke to me. My son is your “Adam” and also your Chase… currently in the process of being diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder. As a teacher, I cannot share all of this… church and state… blah, blah, blah. As a parent, I will share this very important post with everyone I know.
As a teacher getting ready to start my 10th year, I will read this to my high schoolers and they will listen. And some of the will get it. And some of them will hope that others get it. But all of them will have heard it, so they will all have some common ground for conversation about being brave and kind. Thanks.
I love this!!!! I’m a teacher and I wish I could also share this letter with my class.
you CAN use this in a class…just substitute “conscience” or “your heart” for God….this doesn’t have to be about God….children need to be taught to do what is right BECAUSE it right…not because some spirit or entity or religious person tells them to…because they KNOW it’s the right thing. it isn’t about fear of heaven or hell or retribution for not doing it….it’s because being kind and treating people as we wish to be treated is RIGHT and THEY KNOW IT.
Glennon,
Thank you. You always inspire me and make me want to be a better person. I love your passion for love and for others. Thanks for sharing this special tradition with us. I can’t wait to share it with my own children.
Many thanks for all you do and for who you are. Your compassion, love, patience, humor and wisdom are a breath of fresh air.
Wish there were a printer here at the coffee shop. This a fantastic idea. I might actually have my mom mail this letter to each of my school age kids. Because getting it in the mail just takes things to the next level.
This was beautiful. Thank you!
I sent the link to this post to all the parents/g-parents/leaders of children in my church. As an ordained minister whose call is to Christian Education ministry, I found this to be a timely challenge and reminder to love as Christ loves. Thank you for sharing your heart through these words. May God continue to bless your use of this pulpit.
dammit, woman, you need to put a WILL REQUIRE TISSUES warning on this thing! 😉 i’ve read it three times now and wept openly each time.
my son is only just 4 so we don’t know yet whether he’ll be socially or athletically or even academically successful, but my greatest hope is for him to be compassionate and brave. thank you for helping me find the right words to describe that.
fwiw, i’m an atheist and your posts still really resonate with me. thanks.
…and btw, I sent a link to your blog to Ellen, this letter to Chase just seemed in keeping with her message of kindness. I’m sure she already knows who you are. I’m sure many a monkee has already emailed her about you. I just feel so very strongly that the two of you would make great friends, so….just a friendly reminder.
Thank you for this. My firstborn starts Kindergarten soon. This is a nice reminder that maybe I should do more than send him off. 🙂
Glennon,
The “different” child is mine. She’s not smelly, she’s EXTREMELY smart, but she’s not athletic, doesn’t care about what’s “in”, doesn’t care about having the fanciest, most expensive clothes, but is one that keeps to herself a lot, reads voraciously, loves art (and is incredible at it). She’s clean, she’s well groomed, but because she isn’t into sports and the same things most teenagers are, she was picked on quite a bit, even though she was nice to everyone. Well…until they weren’t nice to her. She has always been the “nerd”, complete with glasses and crooked teeth. I did tell her just to keep in mind, that the ones that called her “nerd” might just end up working for her someday. But I think that this will still have an impact on her, so I hope she enjoys reading it. (By the way..my “nerd” is 3rd in her class going into her senior year, and scored 27 on her ACT!)
🙂 Good for her. Mine, too.
“Compassion is more important than fear.” Thank you for that very important statement that should be shared with my children. I left my oldest at high school today. I have had a stomach ache all day, because for the very first time in her 15 years of life, she looked right at me and said, “I’m scared.” She has special needs and each new phase of her life brings a little terror and a lot of prayer. I hope someone shows her compassion today.
My next child is fierce and book smart, athletic, musical–the whole shebang. People are drawn to her. And each day as I drop her at school, I look her the eye and tell her, “God has given you many gifts. Use them to heal and not to hurt.” And then I drive away and pray that God will give her many opportunities to heal and the strength to do so.
Karla – what you say to your have-it-all child is beautiful. Possibly people don’t realize that guiding one of those children is as challenging – in a different way, of course – as helping the ones on the sidelines cope with their lives. I wish I had used your words when my daughter was growing up – although she has turned out to be a kind soul.
Love the idea behind the post. Read it with mixed emotions though…because unlike you, I DO care if my child is the smartest (whatever it is-being something “est”). I DO care if he gets straight A’s (if he wants a phone or driving privileges in the future-he better). I DO care if girls think he’s cute (as much as I cringe at that thought). I DO care if he’s the one being chosen last for kickball. I DO care if his clothes are nice and he presents himself well, and I DO hope the teacher enjoys him. I think he can be ALL these things and STILL be brave and kind.
I loved this so much. We all need to teach this to our kids. Thanks, Glennon.
Hi Glennon this is Mara, Adrianne’s friend. I just wanted to tell you that I loved this post and I wish more parents and non parents believed the way that you do. I would be happy to share this with all my friends. With Gods help hopefully many, many hearts will be touched and others will start to make a difference in their child’s life or another live too:) Thank you for sharing.
Glennon,
I am 28. I have no children (yet- my husband and I are saving for a house). I am only just coming around to having God as a part of my life. This post made me burst into tears. Sitting at my desk. At work. With coworkers probably wondering what the hippityhay I’m doing.
This is getting filed in my “for the future of babies folder.” I had a boy named Jameson that I grew up with—he was my Adam. I ask for forgiveness for not stepping in- ever. I have tried to teach my younger brother (who I just sent off to his freshman year of college yesterday), to be the person I wasn’t. I only hope and pray my babies will be super brave and live through compassion rather than fear.
Much love to you and your littles,
Donelle
Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My son is turning 2 next week, but I want to save this to read to him over and over again. My heart is so filled with love for him and in my “older” years, I want to share with him how importance kindness can be. I had some “Adam’s” in my classes, but was too afraid to step in, but now that some of those people have resurfaced in my life, I know this is God giving me a 2nd chance to show kindness. And yes, while school is for getting an education, it’s for getting an education in life as well. Very beautiful! Thank you!
My son starts first grade at new school on Monday. I can only hope that they take him in with open arms. Maybe one of his classmates had an “Adam” talk with them. I know that I’ll have it with my little guys.
Hi fellow moms and dads,
I love this blog! It is exactly what I need to say to my kids.
Brenda
LOVE THIS! My oldest will start Kindergarten next year. Im pinning this so I can read it to him then.
Everyone has felt like an Adam at some point, I believe that’s why this story has such a powerful impact on us. The message of bravery is so important and is strengthened with use. My son told me that I just don’t understand when the talk of stepping up or stepping in comes up. I tell him to get an adult if he doesn’t feel up to it, and to at least remember to smile and say hi if he sees someone is struggling and he feels powerless to do anything more. It’s hard to think about a child who’s isolated, as a teacher I look for this and am proactive in getting those kids a buddy. There are Adams beyond the schools, they are in line at the store or right next door. Let’s bring this message through childhood and out into the adult world too.
This note was lovely. I have shared with my three girls the story of Faith and Christy. Most people who know me now would not believe that I was such a shy quiet child. I had a best friend from infantcy, Faith. We would talk to the principal and ask to be in class together the next school year. Then, 5th grade happened. Christy moved to town and was in our class. To this day, I do not understand what happened and why but, Faith decided no one should be friends with Christy and did what she could to make sure she had none! To this day I feel bad that I did not stand up for Christy. She was not at our school the next year and I don’t know why. I have tried to find Faith to ask her if she is aware what she did and if she feels bad about it? I regularly remind my kids to look at the benches at recess and if they see someone sitting alone, to go talk to them. Now I know I am not there to see if they actually do it but at least it is in the back of their mind. Our #3 is a “special needs” kid so I am hoping that the lessons I have been talking to with #1 & #2 have sunk in with them and their friends.
That was beautiful. Thank you. What about when your child is Adam?
[…] Read it HERE […]
It’s lovely that you’ve both managed to raise, and have enough confidence that you know you’ve raised, a kid who has the power to be the one who steps in. I don’t want to be a big Mr Negative but I just thought I’d add an extra consideration you might want to take into account.
Thinking back to my school days upon reading this I really couldn’t think of an ‘Adam’, and I think it’s because the picture you paint is (perhaps rightly in your case) of a deserving but hard done by victim. I think the reality for many schools/the perception of kids is that Adam’s can be as annoying, anti-social and nasty as the next kid. My only worry is that upon reading this letter kids might see a kid in their class and think ‘well, nobody likes him, he smells, he always keeps his head down… but he’s not Adam because he always says weird things/he once hit another kid/he was hostile to my pity so he’s not like Adam who was a “good kid”‘
Maybe it’s just because I wasn’t in with the popular kids (i.e. the nasty ones) but I don’t really remember many people being outcasts for looking different/smelling etc without the kids justifying this to themselves using other reasons – even if it was just some stupid rumor.
I’m sure some kids do – but I’d hope Chase already wouldn’t be in that group.
Maybe this post has been too revealing – maybe because me and my group of friends WERE the outcasts!
Tom, can you tell me more? Please tell me more.
Do you mean some “in” kids might think that the only kids worth standing up for are the quiet, smelly ones. I think I’m following..makes sense- just keep going! takes me awhile and this is SO SO important.
LOVE!!!!!!
I’m thinking maybe we’re talking about the “kid” or the “Adam” who is different, maybe smelly, maybe not, maybe quiet, maybe a bit strange, an obvious outcast, but also “hard to love”. The kids who lashes out at others sometimes too, sometimes even a bully themselves. I recall a girl in my kindergarten son’s class last year who was horrible to him, made him insecure and yelled at him. Her inner pain was oozing out onto others and of course I wanted to protect him from her bullying, I encouraged him to stand up for himself, or at the very least walk away from someone who was hurting him, BUT also to consider that this girl was hurting INSIDE and that maybe what she really needed and wanted more than anything was a friend. I hoped he could still feel compassion for her while feeling strong enough not to be hurt BY her. It was not easy. He was not able to feel strong enough in himself to let her comments wash over him without soaking in. It ended up being a pretty rough year for my son. A tough thing for any 5 year old I’m sure. I’m just saying… maybe I get what Tom is after here… loving and helping the “Adams” who are not so gentle and easy to love.
Any thoughts, Glennon, on how to instill the confidence in our own children to help the hurtful comments roll off instead of soaking in?
I have told my children that if someone says mean things to them, try to remember who that person is, is it your friend? is it a person you would want to be a friend? are they family?and they usully say no then why is what they say bother you they are nothing to you, you want nothing todo with them and they are not family there words should mean nothing and their for don’t care what they say or do because I believe that the problem they have is with them selfs not you. That usualy helps.I have an 24 yr old 13 yr old and a 12 yr. old and our 13 yr. old is a social butterfly and she takes to heart when someone does not like her, I tell her thatit is theire problem they are the ones that are missing out not you, find someone that wants to be your friend instead.
I guess I was just thinking out loud… I think it’s a lot to expect of kids to be able to read, and correctly deal with, complex situations that are often too much for adults. And it’s a nice idea that we are kind and friendly even to people who can come across as nasty. I wasn’t so much thinking about bullies who just need someone to reach out to them, but I’m sure there are many kids who don’t really fit the ‘Adam’ mould on the outside, despite being him on the inside.
I suppose what I’m getting at is that by defining Adam too closely one risks making it easier for kids to recognize others as ‘not-Adam’. On the other hand keeping it too vague loses the impact that story and example can give. I guess an ideal way would be to get kids to think hard about why they don’t hang round with (or even tease – although I hope they’d know not to tease) each other person, and if it’s just cos other people don’t or some other such superficial reason then maybe they need to re-think.
Of course the problem with this is that many adults can’t even do this. As I say, I don’t really know – just thought I’d throw the idea out there to start a discussion.
Tom-
Thanks for your comment. I ask that you keep in mind that kids come with infinite blends of behaviors and characteristics. Please consider carefully that what you have known in your world is only the tip of the iceburg. There are so many sweet, quiet children who are cast out and picked on simply because they won’t stand up for themselves. There are also many popular kids who are not nasty. Sometimes they are kind and confident enough to protect and support their less popular peers. I’ve seen lots of both, first hand.
I assume you already know, you won’t be an outcast here. No such thing in the Momastery world.
Wishing you a wonderful day.
Tom, I agree with you. Some kids are the quiet but ultimately good people. Others can just be toxic to be around, even possibly through no fault of their own.
Kindness is always to be advocated, but once children are older, it is important to teach kids to discern things that can hurt them. Other people’s anger, lashing out, etc. sometimes IS best left to adults. Compassion can go a long way and teaching that is important, but if it ever gets to the point of reflecting (truly) negatively on the compassionate one, influencing behaviors, or creating any kind of reciprocal pain/behavior/anger, then it is time to step back, leave things be and let adults handle it.
I’m not advocating ignoring people or being mean, but sometimes one can be supportive without getting overly involved in what might be a very deep-seated negative situation.
perhaps sometimes the mean, nasty, obnoxious kid is only acting that way because he/she doesn’t feel that they fit in? or got picked on for far too long and felt that they had to be noticed somehow?
“be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle” – i think this works perfectly here. mean/obnoxious or quiet/smelly – maybe it doesn’t matter. maybe we should teach our kids to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, at least until proven otherwise. or maybe they keep trying and trying, knowing they were the bigger person.
Until they get shot?
well i think i’d rather choose to believe the best in someone. i can’t go through life thinking every difficult person i meet is going to shoot me… i hope you don’t either because that’s no way to live!
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for this reminder for all of us, young and old.
Beautiful. I added a note of my own, changed the name, and slipped this under my son’s door. He just started middle school, and I can’t think of a better time to be reminded of this. When you mentioned that compassion is God telling you to do something–the Spirit told me how true your words were. I’m humbled by the times I let Adam’s I met walk in and out of my life, unaided by me.
Oh WHY did you havevto post this?! I’m boohooing all over the place when I should be going to sleep! Brutiful!
I absolutely love this! We’re actually homeschooling this year, but I still read it to both my boys. I think you can apply it in so many areas of life. “That which is desired in a man is loyalty & kindness..”
Just wanted to say thanks for posting this. As the mother of a child with autism, I think every day about how to instill this brave kindness in my neurotypical child as he grows, and had a conversation with him tonight about a child who was “bad” today in his kindergarten class. We resolved to do just ONE NICE THING for him tomorrow, even if he was “bad” again. Operation Bravely Kind has commenced in this household. 🙂
Cyd, you are my hero today! From my sister I know a fraction of what it takes day in and day out with a child with autism and for you to teach your wonderful child to do just once nice thing for that boy in his class is simply inspiring!
I’ve read your Adam story a ton of times and I never get tired of doing so. Have one little one and another due in April. Can’t wait to teach them important things like this.
Thank you for sharing your letter. I’m sure it will spur many people to action who might not have considered addressing kindness with their children. My Mother always told us to “be nice to everyone.” I tried to be. I’m sure I wasn’t always successful, but 30 years later, at a class reunion planning meeting, I realized the importance of Mama’s advice. Someone asked me if I remembered rolling a pencil back and forth across a table with them. She said that had made her really happy, and how fondly she remembered our interaction. Sadly, I had no recollection of the event, but was profoundly affected by how much a small act of kindness can mean to someone. I have shared that story with my children, as well as stories from others who were still hurting from slights after 30+ years. Words and actions have consequences, both good and bad, for many years.
I enjoyed your story, my mother always taught me to be kind to everyone and I think that I was! I got a note from a girl a few years ago basically thanking me for my kindness to her way back in Junior High. I was so touched! Simple acts of kindness do go along way and people will always remember those kind acts!
Wow! This is so wonderful. My son is starting school in a couple weeks and I’m going to read this to him. Thank you!!!
[…] here and then scroll down to the part that starts with “Dear […]
Love. It.
Too often the life lessons are forgotten when the Excitement of a new school year sets in. Unfortunately, that excitement is not the same for all. For some, the Adam’s, it is terrifying. This is one of those moments as a mother of four, my eyes were opened to the truth in your words, and the reality of how blessed my children are. This message will be relayed and shared sincerely because of its importance.
On the flip side of this, I am also a first grade teacher. What I love is that my classroom promise has just taken form. I will share a similar story to my little honeys in the weeks to come, and put in place my one goal for them as children in my classroom. To be brave and kind. Thank you for sharing.
Wow! What an awesome idea. I think this should be a REQUIREMENT for ALL teachers to be teaching this from the VERY BEGINNING of a childs time in school. Maybe not this long or complex, but at least teaching compassion in some form. A story is always a nice way. To be kind, considerate, caring. Some of the most wonderful lessons in life a child (ANYone can learn). Thanks for being a wonderful person and teacher!!!! Enjoy those kids! I know you do and will.
oh Bless your heart…I have a kindy kiddo and a first grader this year – what a beautiful letter to read to them –
Keep up the great work Mama –
xxoo
Amen! I LOVE this! Thank you Glennon!
Amen! I LOVE this! Thank you for sharing!
Beautifully said. My “big girl” heads off to kindergarten next year, and this will be read to her often, starting now. My little girl, due to special needs, will be an “Adam” when she is in school in two years, I hope just one parent in her future school class has read this to their child, besides me.
Makes my eyes well up every time…..
Thank you for helping us find the words to say this. We say something similar but we have never had the story quite right and it is so important. Thanks for sharing.
Laura
Amen.
That was incredible. I’m in tears. I will be sharing this with my first grader this year.
And I’ll be keeping it in mind myself as I head back to college after almost 20 yrs. We all need these little reminders to be kind & listen to our hearts, not our fears.
Thank you!!!
You have such an amazing gift…thanks for sharing it with us!
Glennon. When I got home from work my wife says “you need to read something.” Then she told me to sit down at the computer and handed me a kleenex. I thought to myself this is going to be a tear jerking story and I was not let down. As I began reading the story, the water filled my eyes so much that I had to keep blinking to see and then my eyes started to burn. So I reached for my kleenex that was there for a reason. Everything kept getting very blurry. This was a story that I will never forget because I believe we are all placed on this earth to help people not to hurt them. If everyone would model this story each and every day of their lives, this place we call earth would be a great place to live. Thank you for that great story and the timing could not have been better with school already in session for some and soon for others. I am wiping my eyes dry now and will keep this story in my heart.
I was (am?) Adam. (Not your Adam, but someone’s Adam.)
Thank you.
Ditto! But I alsp had compassion for the other “Adams” and “Anns”…it was tough but my heart still hurts when I see someone being treated badly.
oooops…also
It’s been years and years and years (and years) since I was in school.
For quite a few of those years, I was an Adam.
I am ashamed to admit that when I was not an Adam, my fear prevented me from acting on behalf of other kids who were Adams.
I am NOT ashamed to admit that I cried while reading your letter to Chase.
So we just moved and my daughter will start first grade in a new school in a new town where none of us know much of anyone. As scared as she and I may be, I love that this letter and the conversation I can have with her shift the focus from making sure SHE is ok to making sure OTHERS are ok. Love.
Beautiful! True! Wise! Simple…yet Profound! Thank you for speaking to my heart and mind today and giving me the gift of good feeling. I promise to share it. 🙂
My first grade son and I just had a very similar “talk” this morning on the way to school when my son was asking about a particular boy in his class that has a hard time sitting still and acts up more than everyone else. (I happen to know this particular boy’s family and he was recently diagnosed with ADHD and they are trying to manage without medication for now). I sure can use your beautiful words when trying to help my son be the friend this boy needs! Thank YOU!!
Oh, that’s awesome!
And I am stunningly unprofound….
I have found a few of my “Adams” on Facebook. I wasn’t really a tormentor, but I didn’t stand up for kids like I knew I should. Looking back on childhood memories with adult eyes is very painful for me. They have been gracious and forgiving to me, and I so appreciate that. I am going to be proactive with my son and share this with him when the times comes – he’s two now and has a very compassionate default setting. <3
Is crying at my desk allowed? Oh Glennon, as a teacher I thank you so much for this. I wish you could come into the homes of all of my families and share this same message with the Mommies and Daddies of my kids. Some feel just like you do and it is so visible in their children. But some are so concerned with success that they forget about character and that hurts my heart as a teacher. I could care less if my kids can properly type (I teach computers) I care so much more about them caring for one another, learning about the hurt in the world and coming up with ways to solve it.
Thank you for this gift. I hope Chase has a great year. LOVE WINS!
As a teacher, also, I just want to say ditto to Sarah’s comment.
Sarah
Thank you so much for sharing!! I remember reading this letter last year and it melted my heart so much that I copied parts of it (without your permission–soooo sorry!!!) and have used some of those lines in my school. As a school counselor, it’s so difficult to watch kids hurt others– especially when I’m in a unique position to know something incredibly cool about each of those “hard to love” kids who enters our building. Now that I’m a mother, I can’t imagine my son being hurt by his friends (although I have worked with kids long enough to know it WILL happen), but I really can’t bear the thought of him hurting others. I will be fine if he doesn’t grow up to be a star athlete, a famous musician, a millionaire banker, or the next great inventor. My greatest hope for my son is that he is a kind, loving, and respectful person– to everyone he has the chance to meet.
[…] they really want to know is, “Are you one of ‘us’ or one of ‘them’?”Glennon Melton: “The Talk”Tomorrow is a big day. Third Grade – wow.Chase – When I was in third grade, there was a […]
My son is Adam. That’s not really his name, but he is the boy who I hope someone will be kind to, overlook his differences and include him.
Thanks you.
Please be at my house for every momentous teaching moment in my daughter’s life. Which, I’ve come to realize, is every minute of every day. This is wonderfully written and I will share it with my child tonight, to make her feel better about the mean girl who called her a name on her first day of first grade yesterday (while I’m secretly taking the girl’s mom down to Chinatown).
Lunches. Bane of my existence. I thought dinner was tough.
absolutely love the letter….so, so important
thank you for sharing it
Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I LOVE this!! Exactly what I want my kids to learn in school. Every day, I remind my oldest (who just turned 4), that THE most important thing is to be nice. Over everything else, be nice to others. I want the kinds of kids who do invite Adam to sit with them at lunch. Well done, as usual!
[…] and eye opening experience. I want them to avoid that as much as possible. Today a friend posted this on Facebook. I read it and had tears and wanted to yell “YES!!”. The only thing I […]
Thank you for posting again! My girl is only 1 but this is all I wish for my child – be kind! Love this letter – we will read it every year and also a good reminder for us adults too!
I shared this with my 12-year-old son last year when you posted it the first time. Last weekend, as we were cleaning out his sock drawer, I noticed that he had saved it in the back of his drawer along with some of his other treasured possessions. Made my heart happy to know that the message you delivered so beautifully touched his 12-year-old soul as much as it did mine.
This story made my heart hurt. I do not have children, but I do work for a non profit that focuses on bullying and there are so many “Adam’s” in our world. It is wonderful to have this message going to children as they head back to school
I have used it since I started reading your blog a year ago! Thanks G!
Oh, to have my 3rd grade classroom full of kids who have had this talk and believe it! My daughter will hear a talk similar to this from us. I will do my best to give my own class a talk…but I will have to leave out the parts about God when I talk to them.
Thank you. Thank you for understanding that you need to leave God out of your discussion in the classroom. As an agnostic parent, I appreciate the understanding of separation of church and state. And that this beautiful sentiment can still be expressed effectively.
“We love each other because He first loved us.” 1John 4:19
“God is love.” 1 John 4:8
Kay, I realize if you practice agnosticism, then you won’t put much stock in these verses, but I would challenge you to look them up and read them for yourself. If I am wrong about God and my belief in His love and salvation, then when I die, I have nothing to lose. But if you are wrong about God, and let’s just say there is such a thing as a loving God who offers eternal life, then when you die, you have everything to lose.
As far As your understanding of the separation of church and state, try researching that too. It wasn’t originally set up to keep the church out of government and public life, but to keep the government from dictating affairs of the church. Check it out! It’s pretty interesting.
Hope you and your family have a blessed weekend.
As a parent I think is is extremely sad that teachers are afraid to say anything about or even say the word God in a good way, yet students and teachers alike use God’s name in vain on a regular basis! If we can talk about God in a bad way why not talk about Him in a wonderfully loving caring way.
This is a message all people need to hear, adults, too. We homeschool, but I will share b/c there are always circumstances that come up when it may be hard to be kind & brave.
[…] most phenomenal piece I’ve ever read that encapsulates my prayer, is this letter Glennon of Momastery wrote to her […]
“We send you to school to practice being brave and kind.”
This line.
My boys were sent to school with the reminder to show Jesus’ love to their classmates.
Oh. My. Gosh. I have way toooooo many hormones at 16 weeks pregnant right now to be reading this. But ohhhh how special. Thank you. (Now I’m going to send this to hubby and see if I can get him to cry at work. 🙂 )
Carrie, I am 13 wks pregnant, and trying to hold back the tears!
[…] then. Then. I read The Talk by Momastery where she tells her children her only goal for them at school is to learn to be brave […]
Thank you for giving us permission to take this letter & make it our own to share with our little ones. Now, how do I find the strength to read it with her without crying my eyes out?
Go ahead and cry! I did–last year and this one! I’m 47 years old, and I can still remember kids arguing over who HAD to take me when it was time to choose teams in PE. (I can remember 2-for-1 specials being offered.) I was a mostly straight-A student, but I’ve tried really hard to focus more on boosting my kids’ EQ (emotional quotient) than their IQs.
I dropped off my oldest at college this past weekend and found your blog at the same time. I love God’s timing! 🙂
UGH! I was one of those tormentors in second grade. I am 30yrs old and still think about it and still cringe. Definitely not worth the 20+ yrs of guilt for those few minutes of laughter. He recently asked to be my friend on facebook, and I was shocked. He has a good job, beautiful family. On my birthday, he wished me a happy birthday! He must have a very generous soul.
It’s never too late to apologize. He may appreciate it, and after 20 years, you can stop feeling guilty!
When I first saw the title, I thought “The Talk” was going to be “The Birds & Bees Talk”! Phew! Even though I was often an Adam myself, I still have to work on being proactively compassionate everyday, stepping up to the plate instead of waiting to follow someone else’s safe “lead.” You’d think I’d know better from personal experience. Thanks again for your inspiring blog!
One day when I was in 7th grade I was part of a group of girls that made a girl cry with our incessant teasing. I knew it was wrong, I remember the lump in my throat as I joined in, but I did it anyway.
I have told my daughter that story (she is going into 1st grade) and I will read her your beautiful letter, too, to reinforce the notion of the goodness and bravery inside of her that I hope she will let shine.
Thank you for what you share with us.
Sara
G-
Thank you so much for this! My teens have long heard the braveness and kindness message, and they are really good at living it. I am endlessly proud of them.
My little Eleri could be another Adam. Everything about her is different and maybe even a little off-putting, especially to grown-ups. She is in a wheelchair and has a feeding tube and rarely can find her words when she wants them. She is beautiful, bright, joyful and truly fierce, but my heart hurts for her every time someone chooses to look away rather than to make eye contact, or to speculate aloud about her differing abilities when she is perfectly able to understand their words.
I am profoundly grateful whenever someone asks questions about my girl – it means that they really see her. Sometimes the most painful part of being different is the invisibility; having people pretend that you don’t exist or can’t hear what is being said about you.
Thank you both for being such mindful, wonderful parents. The Eleri-Clares and Adams of the world appreciate you!
Gosh, this has me crying big crocodile tears and I can’t tell if it’s because I needed to hear it or that I want my kids to hear this so much.
Geesh, remind me to grab a box of Kleenex the next time my wife sends a link to your blog! Dang, girl. You nailed it. Love this, and we’ll definitely be having the Talk with our Lucas. Bless you.
Perfectly said! I am a 3rd grade teacher & it always touches my heart when I see someone step up & help another child. In my classroom, we are a “family” & we always watch out for each other! I may have to remind them on a daily basis, but if even one child steps up & takes a stand for another one, I feel like I’m on the right path with them!
Wow. This brought tears to my eyes, Glennon. Thank you SO much for sharing your Talk. I’ve been talking with my soon-to-be-kindergartener a lot about being kind to others and not taking part in any teasing, but your letter goes beyond in a way I think kids can definitely understand. I’ll be sharing this with my son this weekend! It is so encouraging to know there are many parents out there focusing on character and community in this way.
“We send you to school to practice being brave and kind.” – thank you for this. My first baby started kindergarten this week, I was worried about him not being challenged academically but still had a firm belief that he’s supposed to be in school – and you have been able to articulate the reason I knew all along but couldn’t quite express.
thank you for sharing this story with us… it as touched my heart and I will be sharing a version of your talk with our boys this year too. from the bottom of my heart, thank you!
My daughter starts third grade this year as well and I will be sending her this message. Thanks for sharing. Good luck with the lunches! 🙂
Question… How do you get thru the talk without balling your eyes out??? This is the second time I’ve read this and each time I’m balling!!!!
Thank you for your blog!!!! I love it!!!
Our “tradition” is taking a pic first day of school… Although she is only in kindergarten …lol
OMW!! Totally made me cry. I’m going to use this every year with my kids…my two oldest are only in preschool but I will start this year. I feel so strongly about this, and you put it so beautifully into words. Thank you! I don’t know you but I just love your heart so!
This letter makes my heart happy every time I read it. When I was teaching, I always tried to show a little extra kindness for the “Adams” of my classroom. Those are the children whose names I remember after all these years. I pray that they are happy and showing kindness to others today.
Beautiful – brutal, brutiful (sp? :)). Amen. <3
Truly a talk worth having. Thanks for sharing.
Wow I sent you a FB message earlier today regarding my production company’s children’s play, Molly Bloom-Latley. I hope you are able to read my message because the themes of our play go right along with what you are teaching your kids with the Adam story 🙂
The bully in our play doesn’t have anyone telling him or helping him with his homework…that’s why he puts the attention elsewhere by picking on Molly. Also standing up for people is an element of the story as well.
Love it! Thank you for teaching your kids these things! You’re a good mama!
I know you’ve given permission to share it with our kids, but can I have permission to share this with my congregation from the pulpit? (I’ll credit and show the link to your blog as well). You can respond via the email above. Cynthia
OF COURSE!!! Honored, Cynthia.
Probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read. We need more Moms and Dads like you!
What a gift this post was to me. Thank you. My oldest started first grade this week. I can’t wait for her go get home so she and I can have an “Adam” talk.
I needed the reminder too. Way too often lately I seem to focus on the work that needs doing, the things that need cleaning and I forget that my most important job is to love the people that need loving.
Your message hit home doubly because right after I read your post I watched a gorgeous short film of the Sermon on the Mount (it’s on biblevideos.org and lds.org).
Your words brought the message of that sermon into the classroom and into my kitchen. (Now that is writing!) I know I sometimes wonder how I am affecting the world especially when I can’t seem to affect my own laundry. I wanted you to know that you changed a day today and brought sunshine to a heart.
Thanks Glennon.
Thank you for reflecting the Spirit so well and for reminding us to do so and for reminding us to remind our babes to do so. Thank you.
What a perfect back to school message. When I was in elementary school, there was an “Adam” in my class, I was as terrible to him as the other kids in the class were. He grew-up and married one of my best friends – she was from the new town I moved to so she didn’t know I knew him from the old town. She told me how terrible all the kids had been to her husband in school, and I never told her I was one of them.
At the wedding I really hoped her husband wouldn’t remember me, or would think I didn’t remember him. I started to say something to him, and he said, “It’s OK. I’ll never tell her you were one of the kids.”
I know all “Adam” stories don’t end up this way, but it’s really great one of them did. He was a better person than all of us other kids back then, and he continued to be on his wedding day, and all these years as a wonderful husband to my wondeful friend.
And to this day, I’m pretty sure he has still kept my secret.
Funny, I don’t have any traditions for back to school either but last week I dug up this post to share (again!) with my kids… it is perfect and I read it to them every few months as a reminder. And it’s not just for kids… it’s for us adults too. Last year, I felt compassion for someone but didn’t do anything… she was a stranger, and I felt bad, but continued on my way… as I drove away I remembered this post and said in my head “that compassion is God talking to you, he’s telling you to help one of his babies.” So I did… I turned the car around and went and helped. This post is a beautiful reminder for all of us!
I cried for Adam. Very powerful. I am a little uncomforatble with mentioning God, but my daughter will not be…she goes to Bible Class at a church in my village every Friday after school. I am so going to have this talk with my little Grade Oner.
Thanks for sharing.
You are the absolute best. Thank you so much for helping me keep things in perspective. I don’t mention it to you anymore, because you have SO many more messages to read now (which is a very good thing), but I try to stop and do the right thing now, when the old me would have just walked away. That’s really all because of you and the awareness that you’ve brought to me, and to so many others. You inspire people to bring a little more light into the world and I’m so proud to say I knew you when. 🙂 Thanks for that, and for so much more. I love you.
:)MK
so beautiful