Amen! I had the blessing of having my Mama live with me last year and just as my LO was throwing a perfect fit on the floor (again), Mama was fond of saying ‘these aren’t the things you will remember’. And so true that even as I might be frustrated with my LOs did today, what I remember from yesterdays gone by where those few precious moments seized that are worth carpe (ing) because those are what you will remember. Thank you for having the will to state what should be obvious and what we all sometimes forget.

Some parents love everything about parenting and can’t get enough. Not me. And I feel guilty when I look forward to the naps and bedtime, look forward to taking off from work and sending him to daycare so I can have a day completely to myself – but I also look forward to his smiles and laughs, his hugs and kisses. It’s hard. And wonderful. And I totally understand and feel the guilt, and love this post. I think the mountain story is perfect. And the fact that it’s so hard makes the journey that much more memorable and enjoyable (to look back on). I’m glad I’m not the only one, and that this is very normal for so many of us.

I have 3 children also, a single Mom, who has felt like pulling my hair out hundreds/thousands of times! I laughed and laughed and laughed at your capture of reality for a real Mom!!! Yes, only a REAL Mom would be that honest!You have a good writing style. I have twin boys, age 13 and a daughter who is 17. When the twins were born, I was so overwhelmed and cried all the time because I had no help! My daughter was in kindergarten.I did have a husband, but he was a workaholic. Taking a shower was such a TREASURED time for me. I was lucky to get one! Your writing brought back those crazy, warped days. Now, I can laugh. Then, I could not. I totally AGREE with you in every way! I often wanted to sock anyone in the face that told me I better appreciate those moments of childhood when I got no sleep for a year, barely got food prepared, never made beds or dusted, never took photos I had processed out of the envelopes, never got dressed myself. Every grocery store visit was a horror story. Your honesty was a breathe of fresh air . . . I’m still laughing! Thanks! Bea Cartwright

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for sharing. From a mama who has cried the entire way up this torturous mountain so far, but wouldn’t give my kids up for anything in the whole world. Mine are still young, but when I’m out without the kids (it’s happened a time or two!) and I see a mom in a moment of struggle, I wish that I could speak up and have something intelligent and helpful to share. So often I have wanted to yell “Hang in there, Mama, you’ll survive this moment!” And for the record, some kids really are harder than others. It’s a fact. Mom’s that have kids who are easy most of the time don’t understand what it’s like.

Loved it! I am an older mom now… I am 45yo and the mother of 8, my oldest is 21yo and my youngest is 2yo! I love being a mom, but I don’t love 20 years of potty training, cleaning up messes and training for chores and the battles that ensue when a child doesn’t want to do their chores… but I am thankful… very thankful for being a mom. I love my kids.

I had a similar epiphany when my fourth son was born, only I was doing it to myself. I kept watching my baby and suddenly realizing that I couldn’t remember everything about my older sons that I was seeing in my baby… I couldn’t keep up the baby books and the photo albums anymore.. esp. after we made the decision to homeschool… the same week I found out I was pregnant for number 5…. At some point, I realized I needed to let go of my frantic guilt over not being able to hang onto each precious memory… I just couldn’t keep every moment of everything they did as precious as I felt I should. I learned to trust God with it. I figured, He could remind me of the most important things. So, I let go, and no… the younger children don’t have kept up baby books and I don’t have everyone’s first tooth that they lost and I don’t have scrapbooks for each child, but I have been here for them… I am here everyday, teaching them and loving them, and I am trusting God for the memories. 

I think your comments are brave, insightful, compassionate (especially toward other mothers), and most important of all important things – HONEST.

I think other women may have an honest experience mothering their children and carpe dieming all over the place – and hurray for them (as you so eloquently noted) – but on the whole, every single woman in my entire life – including my own mother, and the STRONGEST, most patient women I’ve ever met – have filled me in just how PREPARED I need to be for the exhausting work of motherhood. It’s scary . . . and yet, their honesty makes me more prepared, less Disneyfied about the whole thing. Your experience is your experience – and it seems to me that you are someone who is capable of introspection, honesty – AND a great deal of love for your children. They are blessed beyond measure to have you – and I appreciate your willingness to embrace your humanness. In my oh-so-tentative studies of Zen Buddhism – one thing you learn is that this idea of enjoying every moment is the work of spiritual giants . . . of which there are almost none – maybe none. What I’m saying is – if people were actually capable of enjoying every moment, well, oh MY what a world we’d be living in eh? We are not only not capable of that every moment – we are often barely capable of enduring from moment to moment (and that is true – simply enduring is nearly unbearable for most people, hence the need to escape into violence, drugs, power/abuse struggles, food/control issues, ritual, mysticism, the list goes on.) What I’m saying is – it’s rough out there. People are hurting. And there is no magic cure for it. Because so much of that hurt is carried in the constructs of our mind – the powerful – POWERFUL stores we tell ourselves about what is “real” – and how things “are.” In the midst of this, there are little compassions we can offer one another. And one of those kindnesses – is being HONEST – and letting others see that we, too, are in these struggle – that we too are fighting the good fight, albeit “imperfectly”. Your words are a lovely illustration of that idea. In practicing meditation, the hope is that you begin to start to ATTEMPT to understand how to be attentive – how to be present in the moment. Some are more attentive than others, more frequently than others – but few, maybe none(?) are actually Buddha . . . are actually AWAKE. Your moments of noticing your full grocery cart, or your daughters beautiful mouth, that is your – if you’ll excuse me for giving it MY label – that is your Buddha nature. In those moments, you are awake to the beauty of this life. But when you are steeped in the unglamorous moments. (Like when I go to pick up my dogs poop, and realize there is a hole in the bag, and I have just picked it up with my bare hand, while he wraps himself around my leg and pees on me out of excitement . . . ) – well, those are our awakened moments too. No, you’re not blissed out in zen peacefulness – you’re living – you’re IN IT. And that is just as much a part of being awake as anything. I think you acknowledged this so eloquently. And I think you gave some room for mothers everywhere to give themselves a well-earned break. Yes, it is very – VERY kind of a stranger to wish you attentiveness to the blessed, amazing moments of your life. Bless them for their interest and concern. But it is kind of you to acknowledge, that there is nothing to WORRY about – your moments are being seized just as you live them – dirty diapers, screaming tantrums, exhausted nights – these are also beautiful – these are necessary for growth, for perspective, for life to be . . LIFE. Bless you for your words, your insight, your compassion toward others, and yourself. Have a great day. Or don’t. Either way – really. 🙂

Amen…and can I just say thank you! I want another child and I have people say, “You had a really hard time with your 3rd…I don’t think you should…” Or my favorite…my mom saying, “I don’t remember my children being this way…” Yep it was a LONG time ago mom. :o)

Hello, I’m writing a brief comment to a} join the chorus of parents who loved this piece and b} to share another piece two adjectives {“brownish” and “asianish”} within it made me think of: http://www.racialicious.com/2009/04/13/from-a-mixed-race-child-some-tips-for-a-white-parent/ I’m an info-sharer by trade, but I’ll limit myself to one more site: http://www.loveisntenough.com and hope that both prove of some use to someone reading this comment.
~Janine

As a mom of 4 I was heartened to read your post. I go through days when I wonder what I was thinking, but then I have these moments of absolute clarity and I see God’s plan in my life. And my kids’ lives.

I have 3 (17, 11, 9) typical boys, who I homeschool. I also have a daughter (15) who is severly disabled. I can say that parenting her is about the hardest thing ever! She is basically non-verbal and has many different behavioral and physical issues that require constant monitoring and care. She is work. But one day she will look at me and say “I love you” and I will melt and cry and rejoice, and I will know that every second of every day has been worth all the pain. I know this, because its what I did when she first walked (2 1/2), the first time she read her name to me (10), the first time she independently asked for help (12)… and all of those other firsts.

So while I am told by “everyone” that I need to cherish this time with my boys because they grow so fast…. and I try: I am tired of feeling inferior because there are times when I just DONT! I have had miscarriages and there are 4 years between my sets of kids. I have had heartaches with my children, hospitalizations, death scares, surgeries, severe illnesses and a whole gamut of Dr’s visits (we have 2 4-5″ charts at the dr office). I have also had back-talking, disobedience, hide and seek in the stores, attitudes and general crankiness. I have also had love, hugs, kisses, special gifts, thoughtfulness, and evidence of the special people that I have been raising.

I have found cherishing the moments that count… the birthdays, the holidays, sure, but those moments when your 3 year old looks at you covered in sharpie and says, “I wub oo mama”… is so much better than trying to make the days when I have had to ground my 11 year old for attitude: my 9 year old has decided that the wall made a better canvas than the paper: my 17 year old is mad yet again, and my 15 year old is having a truly bad day into something it just wasnt.

So thank you for this post, it made me remember that its ok not to “love” every moment of everyday. But I also know that on the worst possible days, God will pick me up and carry me through, and thats really all I can ask for.

I wish everyone would be as open and honest about being a mom as you! I think this post is so great! So many others try to make it look or sound like they can do it all and are enjoying being a mom every moment of the day, when really more often than not, we all feel just like you! I hate it when I feel less than adequate because someone says I should be enjoying it and I really don’t sometimes. I’m also a teacher and I’ve had others suggest that if it is “so hard” I shouldn’t be teaching. Really? Do they realize that if parenting one, two, three children at a time may be hard teaching 30 may be hard too? I do have those Kairos times when I love teaching, but find a lot of days I’m watching the clock til the class is over. I hear other teachers gushing about how they just LOVE the profession, but I bet if more were honest like this post, they’d have more chronos moments like me! Thanks for this. I really needed it!!

This time in my life I am a grandmother to one beautiful granddaughter. I am enjoying every moment with her. I still work full time, but help my daughter as she is a college student and needs help a couple of evenings a week to finish her degree. As my children were growing I always heard the same things you shared. My grandmother gave me the best advice when my first son was born. She said tell everyone thank you for the advise and then do what your heart says. I had to work part time while my children were small, and might I add I felt guilty, but I always spent quality time with my children, went to all their school events, sporting events, did homework after school, I was the Mom who made a day camp in the summer at my home to make sure I knew where my kids were and who there friends were. I don’t regret one moment and would do it all again if I had to. I was able to work after I put my children to bed at night, ran on about 4 hours of sleep, but it was what worked for our family. My Mom used to say I sacrificed a lot , but I did not and still don’t feel I did. I knew that when I was blessed with a family it was the best job I’d ever have. And yes it is hard work, but it is worth everything we do as parents.

For a moment today I stopped, turned to my 16.5 yr old son and said, “you know, I really do try to be a good mother to you, gracious, patient, loving, kind…and every day I fail in someway. I just want you to know that I do try, am trying, and will continue to try to get this whole mother thing right. I try because I love you and someday I may have that victorious moment of a day well lived that defies all the sin, and junk in my own heart but don’t hold your breath. And. I love you,” … Ok mom…

Thank you. I often tell friends when I see their kids that it’s nice to know I’m not the only one who deals with things. Today I say this to you. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who sometimes counts down until bedtime. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who doesn’t “enjoy” parenting all day, every day. It’s nice to know there are others out there struggling with the same things I am. It’s also nice to know that there are moments there, where if we stop and look for just a minute or two, we can cherish what’s going around us, even when it makes no sense looking in from the outside.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I read this post the other day but came back to it after a very long, count down the hours until bedtime, lose my temper too many times, hard day. Your words heal the pains of today. Thank you.

Beautifully written. We as mother’s always feel guilt. Are you feeding our children healthy enough food? Are we spending enough time with them? Are we really listening to their needs and fulfilling them? It’s good to know it’s not just me that thinks this way everyday. Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one!

I am from Argentina and 40 years old, have living in this country for 11 years, Isolation is terrible in this culture. In my culture friends and neighbors are part of the family. We help each other every days, with chores, kids and company. As it stands here, mothers are left isolated. I have a 4 year old and suffer from isolated. It is hard to be a mother in this culture. It is hard enjoy th moment. When i travel to my country i can see how my sister enjoy being a mother an relax more having company around, friends, neighbors and family. I wish i would have that here. I pray To The Lord to give me peace and thech me to enjoy the most of this.

Now this was an amazing post. I have always believed that not all things my children do were meant to be enjoyed or treasured as long lasting memories.

Thank you for this beautiful article! It’s exactly how I feel as a mom. SO glad I’m not alone in feeling this way. Now, I can stop feeling guilty for not seizing the day and start remembering I have kairos moments everyday. Love, love, love this article!!! Thank you!!!!!!

amen,sooo true

As a Mom of four grown children- grandmother of 2 with another on his/her way-I say BRAVO to your post. Parenting is THE hardest thing you will ever do–my ‘old’ lady girlfriends and I will often comment, “If we knew how hard this parenting journey was (and by the way- it isn’t much easier with adult children!) we wonder if we would have even started the journey- maybe stayed at the base of the mountain so to speak! Do we regret the journey? Absolutely not … but if we knew all that was ahead on a daily basis–that first step may not have been taken. The glory of our God-given minds is that as we age the “chronis” moments fade and all those “kairos” moments are the ones we remember and cherish. Still- us old ladies need to give you younger ones a break- an acknowledgement that it isn’t an easy journey paved with sweetness and laughter- AND lend a hand-even just a smile-to help ease the moment and the journey.

This was so very very good. Thank you. May you carpe a couple of Kairoses tomorrow and the next day and the next — and bless you for freeing your readers to do the same.

We live in a society that effectively discounts the needs of mamas of both young and old. Neither were meant to live in isolation as we do. Other various cultures of both affluence and humble means live in closer accordance of mama’s needs with grandma(s) and/or house help (cooking, cleaning, …) a given. As it stands here, mothers are left in isolated desperation and moms of grown children are left lonely….both are thirsty, just in different ways. Thank goodness I chose wisely with my husband, as he helps in every way, though he does work many hours outside the home. One thing is for sure…our children love us perfectly and unconditionally and when they see us doing our very best to honor them they are our biggest cheerleaders.
As a mom of four (with no bed times or time outs) I have pondered the sting of this comment as well. I pray that one day I will be able to help my children be a parent by supporting them with the little day to day things, and truly knowing my grand children.

Thank you so much for writing this, it’s like you took the words right out of my mind. It made me laugh, and it made me cry. But you nailed it – carpe a couple Kairos a day. Thank you.

I am almost 80…have three children, 20 grandchildren, and 11 great grandchildren. You are right it is hard, and it could get harder. We all have problems and some worse than others, but take it from me, when you get to the end of the road, you won’t want to exchange one minute…the good and the bad! The problem is now, that I have all those people I was responsible for…to be concerned about! But that is good too..it means we still are living and still going just one step at a time!

A little different perspective..

I have 5 children. 8,7,5,3, and 3 months. My oldest was only 5 when my fourth child was born though, so I had had 4 children in 5 years. I definitely had a lot of littles and I regularly heard choruses of

“Enjoy them while they are little”
“Don’t sweat the small stuff”
“Don’t you know what causes that?
“Are all those yours?”

etc..

Redundant yet, but I think people mostly are just making small talk.

Reguarding the post though, I don’t feel chastised when people tell me to enjoy them. The obvious reason that people don’t talk to career people that way is because careers are not people. Little children grow up and go away and its sad, and I think the people who are most likely to say “enjoy every second” are saying it because they miss it so much and wish themselves that they had enjoyed more of it as opposed to feeling so stressed out about it.

Anyhow, I like it when people remind me to enjoy it. I don’t feel chastised. They are right I think. One day I will so miss my life with these young ones.

I did VERY MUCH enjoy your comment about how unfair it is when people suggest that you aren’t doing your job right if you say it is hard. When I only had 2 and wanted a 3rd, somebody close to me suggested that I shouldn’t have a 3rd because I struggled so much with my strong willed 2 year old. I’m glad I shrugged off her advice. I have 5 great kids now.

I know a lovely older woman who always says, “The days are long, but the years are short.” It is such a beautiful way to capture the idea that sometimes each moment of the day can be grueling, but in hindsight it always seems like time flies. My youngest started kindergarten this year, and I have to say there have been many moments when I have felt guilty for not enjoying their time home with me enough. But, I try to give myself grace. It is MUCH easier to Carpe Diem when both my kids are in school. The grueling nature of parenting is still present at times, but I have a break every day. I’m a better mother because of school. I love the idea of giving all mothers the grace of just acknowledging that we are in the trenches together. 🙂

Thank You SO VERY MUCH for writing this blog. I can’t tell you how much it spoke to me. You articulated every thought and feeling I’ve had on this topic. I, too, look forward to nap/bed time every day. I often feel the guilt barring down on me telling me that it’s just another failure that I don’t enjoy being with my 4 and 2 year old every second of the day.

I could have hugged you as I read this, but instead I gave myself a hug! Go Champion Writer of All HONESTY!!! lol

I’m due any day now with our third son. I can’t tell you how sick I am of having complete strangers come up to me, ask the gender, and then tell me,”Oh, Honey, maybe if you have a fourth it’ll be a girl!”

I’ve already grieved the reality I’ll never have a daughter (we’re done) so it’s like a knife being stuck in that grief all over again. It’s also difficult because the way they say it tells you that your family and life isn’t really complete with JUST one gender. That I’m missing something.

If that’s true, why tell someone that? If it’s not, then why say that? Either way it’s counterproductive!!!

I’m posting your blog to my facebook wall! THANKS AGAIN for your BEAUTIFUL honesty!

Well, after having had older women advise me to seize the day, I have now become — quite to my own surprise — an older mother who tells younger mothers to “enjoy the time; it goes by so quickly.”

On behalf of my peers, I’d like to beg for a little understanding. We do not want to inflict guilt on mothers of children who are still young. We mean, in fact, to free you. We urge you to focus your parenting on the things that matter for life and for eternity and not to sweat the small stuff.

We do not want you to take our statements that we loved every moment of parenting quite so literally. Do you see our gray hairs? Our wrinkles? The age spots on our hands? How do you think we got them?

We shed our share of tears. We were driven to our knees in desperate prayers. We wondered how to rejoice when surrounded by mountains of laundry. We lived through colic and fevers and school crises and sports injuries and cars dinged by our teenaged drivers. Our hearts agonized with our children over broken hearts and growing pains. We earned our wrinkles in mothering your generation.

We also know that as far as we’ve come in years, we aren’t quite at the top of the Mt. Everest of parenting. Not yet. As long as we have breath in our bodies, we love our grown children, our children-in-law, and our grandchildren. We are still learning.

We do, however, know something on an experiential level that you understand only in theory. What seems to you like such a long climb up the mountain is a much shorter journey than you realize. You can pass along that part of the parenting mountain only once. You will soon have new trails to climb, but that particular slope will be closed one day. Viewed from that perspective, every step of parenting — whether it’s sweet or tough or quite ordinary — is precious.

We savor our memories. We mourn over bungled opportunities. We might even like to trade places with you for just a moment and live through a young one’s grocery store tantrum again. Yes! Even that moment was special to us, for it was a step in our child’s growth and ours.

I remember one of those “mommy days” when some things happened that caused me to call my husband at his office. and I burst into tears as I recounted my children’s antics. Very quickly, those antics seemed funny, and we laughed over them. They have now become part of our family lore. Ah, there were so many moments when I fretted that I should have smiled!

As a young mother, I didn’t mind when older women told me to seize the day. In fact, I liked to sit at the feet of older mothers and soak up their wisdom. I loved to hear their parenting stories, for they gave me extra hope and joy along my own parenting climb.

Even so, I didn’t quite get what these older mothers were trying to tell me when they advised me to “Carpet Diem.” And, I really don’t expect younger women to get it when I say the same things to them. I certainly don’t want to plant the idea in a young mother’s mind that she has to be super-mom, always in a state of bliss. I know that young mothers will live and love and make mistakes and have their victories, just as I did.

So, I can’t help but smile when I see a young family. And, yes, I really want to say,
“Seize the day! Stop and enjoy the view along the way. You never will pass this way again.”

One day, to your surprise, you will be standing closer to the top of the parenting mountain. And, you will encounter a young mother with her children who is further down the slopes. And, without thinking about it, you will call to her,

Carpet Diem!
Enjoy the day!

Carpet Diem!

Raising children includess love, embarrassment, pain, and heartache. I love my children and I love raising my children, but I don’t love everything that happens while raising my children. I didn’t love it when my 2 1/2 yr. old son dropped his pants in the garden center of Wal-mart, started to pee on one of the trees while pointing out to an emplyee that he too could water the trees. I didn’t love it when my oldest did a face plant on the bleachers when she was four and knocked out her four front teeth. Nor did I love it when my middle child decided to take off and go shopping in JC Pennys by herself (she was 3) and caused a shut down of the store. I didn’t enjoy these “moments” of raising my children and that dosn’t make me a bad mom. These “moments” make me a better, stronger mom with many tales to tell and most lead to great laughter amongst myself and my children. I am not ashamed to admit that I won’t enjoy every moment, but I know I love my children, they love me, we are family and that is what matters.

OH. please have at LEAST one more child. you are the honest, appreciative mother who should have lots of additions to the nature AND nurture pool.

Great post. I love the comparison to your husband’s work, as well as the time examples at the end. I think every Mom needs to figure out what works and doesn’t work for her, and appreciate the moments that matter to her. Thanks for sharing!

Wow. I’ve never been here before, so I’d no idea a blog could have this many comments (!) but I’ll just throw my squirrel into the tree.

I knew I had to when I read this line (imagining as you painted it, as an appreciative mother saying it to one in the trenches): “Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime” I cried.

Caught me completely off guard.

*Oh* that an older woman would speak so honorably to me in my battles. Dear God let me remember my hunger for acknowledgement.

Not so much for applause– though that’s nice when I feel like it’s earned– but just for the sisters-in-arms Yes, I see you, and know you care how I see you. And it’s with approval. With gratitude that there are moms like us fighting the good fight.

Peace to you.

Thank you for reminding us old ladies, and I often try to help younger women remember to enjoy this time with their kids. No, it was not easy, but I did the best I could raising my 7 children and I wish that I had listened to those old ladies and enjoyed my children’s childhoods better, because they are gone and now all I can do is be the best Grandma I can and encourage my children. I like your suggestions though and will try to remember to empathize rather than just remind. I would love to help the young mother with her groceries, but in this world, I am sure it would be taken wrong. Enjoy the babies and yep, I love them best when I see them “showing out” their personalities!
What a beautiful family!

Bless you!!!!!! I’ve been thinking about this very thing during the past few months, feeling the exact anxieties in response to these well intentioned comments. I haven’t been able to figure out how to make sense of it. Thank you for your perspective, your reasoning and your solution. I’m the mother of 6 and my baby is 4. There have been many times when I’ve gotten great satisfaction in knowing that I did that. I know I’m not done, but I did that and it feels really good. It was stinking hard along the way, but now that I’m on the other side of raising babies and toddlers, I say yes. I, too, feel the ups and downs as you do, but know that I WILL HAVE LOVED PARENTING and that will give me the satisfaction I will seek. Thank you.

Kudos to you for putting into words what the rest of us think. I am raising 7 kids in a yours, mine, ours, and theirs scenerio. It’s challenging to say the very least. Most of the time I want to find somewhere to scream or jump from. But then I have these moments- the few precious moments of time that continually fuel my disposition to weather all the hard stuff.

Well said! After having driven down that road of motherhood even a few more years, I tried to capture similar feelings and frustrations: http://lessonslearnedineverydayliving.blogspot.com/2011/04/metamorphosis.html

Loved learning the word “kairos.” I’ll adopt it and TRY to ENJOY using it frequently. 🙂

I am one of those old ladies..who do look at the kids and say…I really miss my kids…my grandkids…I sure am enjoying watching you. Because I was the one who ran through the fabric store screaming at decibels not even registering to the human ear, screaming for a little girl or 2 little girls who are cleverly hidden under the round rack of fabric. I do remember all of those crazy times. Yes, I do remember and I was one of those crazy moms who loved most every minute. I think of the MOPS moms who need to hear that perfect kids are actors on the Hallmark channel. Peace-filled moments come after the kids are in bed. And memory loss comes after your kids are out of the house and you hear the quiet….charge on Warrior mom!!! and Carpe any part of your day that you are able to feel the peace that comes from above!!!

Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I’m crying today mothering is so hard! Then I feel guilty if I think, THIS IS SO HARD! I have 3 little ones and I was feeling so guilty today for wanting my 6 month old to just please grow up so he can sleep better and I can too. But I love love LOVE your post. It’s true, the old ladies do say that all the time and you just can’t enjoy every minute. You are lucky when you can breathe every minute. This post is so beautiful I’m grateful for some perspective on now. Especially when it also provides some comic relief. Thank you thank you!

Paige

I LOVE THIS! Thank you.

Thank you so much for writing this. My boyfriend and I feel the same about bed time. We cannot wait for it to come around. Or when our son naps, instead of cleaning the house, we choose to nap or to take some time for ourselves. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son, I tell him every day several times a day. I’m not a perfect parent, but should I feel bad if I’m not. No, parenting is a lesson and we all make mistakes. I had one of those moments in line at Costco with a screaming child and the woman behind me was so kind. She told me I was handling it really well and that any mom or parent would understand. It made me appreciate my parenting skills and the fact that it wasn’t just me.

Thank for this. So wonderful. I’ve seen it posted and reposted all over Facebook because it’s so on point.

hahahaha … you’re terrific and somewhere out there is a mother who’s not even thinking about whether or not she experienced constant, unmitigated Kairos while raising you. All she knows is that you made it and you’re awesome. Mothers who don’t cop to Chronos burnout are either liars or unconscious … or both. Carry on !

Love your perspective – very well written!

Thank you for this post. Less than an hour ago an older woman told this exact thing to my husband! “Your children are beautiful. They grow up quickly so enjoy every moment!” And this while the kid #1 is whining about having a churro and root beer, kid #2 is break dancing under the table, kid #3 is picking her nose and kid #4 growing in my belly is making me want to vomit.

Although, I did appreciate that she was suggesting that it is possible to enjoy them, instead of looking at my husband and I wondering why one of us hadn’t gotten fixed a long time ago 🙂

Beautifully written. Thank you for the Chronos/Kairos moments…It’s exactly like you said, I can’t remember all of them, but I have them and it is what helps me keep on keepin’ on! I’m going to take not of those moments and cherish each one a little more. Thank you!

All I can say is a big thank you for sharing this. It totally made my day and, quite possibly, my life.

I just need to say this. My daughter is 3. She talks non-stop and anything I say leads to “why?” ( I finally get why parents say “cuz I said so”) her tantrums have piqued and some days are just exhausting – but I know— I know how deeply I would miss all of it, I know how I would long for a tantrum or to read that book yet again. I know this because when my daughter was 4 months old & my son was 2-1/2, I left at 1:12pm to go to my partime job. 4 hours later, when I came home- my son was dead. An accident. A moment of divided attention. A moment like any other day with a toddler an infant- only in this moment – our worse nightmare came true. And somehow we need to keep going- our beautiful girl needs us as much much as our beautiful boy did. I’m not sure I’ll ever be happy or carefree again. A large piece of me died when my son died. And do when I get overwhelmed I remind myself how quiet it got. How I longed to read that book or play cars or even deal with a meltdown. Is parenting hard? Yes it can be- but, as my hospice license plate reads- every day is a gift. It is a gift, not a given. I KNOW how quickly life can change. I hope none of you ever have to experience the pain, but I hope it makes you pause the next time you feel like throwing that old woman off the mountain. She may know something you don’t…. Hug your children close…. Because it is a gift, not a given

I’ve said those words. Yet I’ve lived your words. Those years you are in are intense to say the least. I realize now what I was trying to say to those mother’s younger than I. I am 54, a parent of 5 children ages 24 to 14. When you get down the road a bit and you see your children moving into the adult world, leaving home, moving on it hits you. The years are gone never to be experienced or recovered again… It’s then you can feel the questions rising up. “Did I do enough?” “Did I spend enough time with them?” “Was I too busy?” “Did they know I loved them with all that I had in me?” It’s then you want to shout to the world. Truthfully I believe the people that say those words to you are people who are living with their own regrets. They are telling you what they wish they had done.

Blessings,
Julie

I don’t think I can say enough how much I love you for writing this. This is hands down the best blog post I have ever read.

And I cried. From this momma of 4 boys – thank you for that encouragement.

Thank you! Thank you! As a first time parent I’ve been hearing that same advice all around me and feeling feeling those those feelings inside of me; trying to make sense of both and you just captured it perfectly!!!!

I think the Kairos moments that you say you experience each day ARE what the cheerleaders in life are wishing for you. I think if we can stop and grab these brief, intense moments of pure gratitude and joy each day we are waaaaaaaay ahead of the majority of the population that rush from one day to the next in a blur. I highly doubt anyone enjoys every moment of the parenting journey…as you say it’s just too tough of a climb. But I know that I do feel the years whizzing by and I know it will be a blink and my kids will be all grown up and out of the house, so I make a point of finding my gratitude moments each and every day and to stop and stare at my young kids in amazement at their innocence and beauty. Thanks for the beautiful post…it was a great read 🙂

Amen, Sister!!! Thanks so much for this. I know those ladies mean well but I always think, “I am happy. I love being a mother. But I can’t enjoy every single moment. It’s not realistic. Am I supposed to be ecstatic that I haven’t been allowed to pee by myself in two years?”

You’re not being “negative” honey. You are being REAL!! And I love it! (insert applause here) BRAVO!

Well said!
I am a mother of 4 grown children and yes there were moments in those years of young children under foot that I absolutely loved and I truly do cherish them. Then there are the years of sleepless nights and all the rest that goes with raising children. I sympathize with other moms with little ones as I recall those days only too well. I would not trade the journey though, for now I have four adult children and I am incredibly proud of them and my heart fills with joy as I think of their journey from a new born till today.
And now I have embarked on the ‘grandma’ stage of life and am loving it too!!!!

The reality of life, with its ups and downs, its laughter and tears, is only doable when we stop and see the Kairos time in everything.

Thanks for the reminder 🙂

Thank you for your honesty! As a SAHM with 2 little girls I completely understand! So many days are spent counting down until bedtime and I feel guilty about that, but such is life with small children. It is great not having to pretend that every moment is heavenly!

Crying as I type. This is so what I needed to read today. I have been feeling so bad mom-ish today, oh who am I kidding for a couple of weeks now. I have 5 beautiful kids that I love more than anything, but it is hard. This was a great reminder that it is okay to feel this way, that those wonderful moments make all of the hard ones worth it, and that I am not the only one out there that has a hard time at times. Some days I feel like yeah I got this 5 kid thing and other days I think why do I have 5 kids again?! Thank you for lifting me up and letting me have a Kairos moment in the middle of a very long stretch of Chronos.

thank you for this post. so many other mom bloggers make me feel inadequate. i have what dr. sears and others calls a “high needs” child. while he is precious and a blessing, he is not a delight to be around much of the time. he exhausts me to no end. often, i wonder if i am really cut out for being a stay at home mom. this post was the enormous hug i needed. thank you. and btw, your family is beautiful!

Perfectly worded…beautiful family shot…blessings

My three daughters are grown now, and I have two granddaughters who I cherish more than I ever thought possible and two more on the way this year. I remember those kind little old ladies who used to tell me to enjoy every moment because they’d be gone so fast, and I distinctly remember thinking, “Hmmmm, not fast enough!” I also remember telling my friends who were just beginning their parenting journey that parenthood, not the Peace Corps, was the hardest job they would ever love. I still believe that is true. There were moments when I wondered what ever possessed me to think I should raise a family, but now when I see my grown daughters with families of their own, and when they all get together and share their memories and I hear them laugh and giggle and give each other advice and be friends, I know that somewhere along the way, I did something ok.

Your words made me tear up a bit. You have the right idea, I’m sure. Your kairos is exactly why you want that fourth child. Kairos is what kept me from throwing in the towel on so many occasions, and kairos is what the “little old ladies” are remembering when they tell you to enjoy them because they will grow up so fast. So don’t be too hard on us. 🙂

THANK YOU! You said exactly what I feel but hadn’t articulated. It isn’t all easy, and you’re right, being told to enjoy every moment is insane (at least for me). So, thank you again.

Thank you for your honesty! Too often mommies are afraid to admit that motherhood is not always fun and magical and sometimes we do only get little moments of joy. But we are not failures because it is hard and because we do not enjoy every single moment.

Good. Now let go of the whole idea of people are telling you what to do when they say stuff like that. They are really (as you begin to suggest) talking about themselves. They look at you and it reminds them of themselves and they’re all about themselves and it erupts with a kind of happy pop psychobabble.

Compare it to people who are surrounded by truly negative people (suggesting that your kids will mirror your worst habits, pee on you and at some point probably wreck the car). Even worse, imagine living in a world where people say nothing at all to each other.

Thank you so much for you honest “we all think it but don’t have the humility to say it” article. It was guilt freeing. Be blessed! I’ve shared it with all of my mommy friends and I am printing it for my own personal journal, for further reference. You know, when guilt comes back! 🙂

Wow!! Glennon, thanks for your insight/outlook and sharing. I am now one of those gramma types and didn’t remember from my quick snapshot view what might actually be going on in a younger mother’s mind at that moment. I cherish the adventures of raising our children (24 & 20). I feel blessed with these glimpses of other Mom’s experiences to remind me just how special those times were. Chronos & Kairos are new terms for something I could never actually describe very well. I really enjoyed what ‘thefisherlady’ had to say as well. I will definitely keep enjoying the blessings of glimpses into my memories through wonderful Moms such as yourself, and will be more careful at how I express my empathy/gratitude of what a great job you are doing. God bless you and your family.

I am pregnant with my first child and so to some extent I can’t completely understand where you are coming from. But, with that said, I have always felt what you just described about having children. I never looked at having a child with only just warm and fuzzies. I definitely see it as a Mt. Everest climb. Incredibly hard work, sacrifice and lots of tears but in the end well worth the experience. Thank you for writing such a wonderful piece.

Thank Goodness I’m not alone!! Your momma to momma talk….is my Kairos moment! *grin*

Glennon,
I think that your feelings are very much the majority and the norm. So many folks can only wait until the child gets to the next milestone, gets to bed, gets a diploma and gets out of the house.
Parenting doesn’t have to feel this way. I have 2 small children. I felt that way often when I let my child CIO, put them in time out, grounded and controlled them. I have since changed. I embrace every moment. Yup. Sometimes when I’m in the moment it is very hard, especially when I don’t feel supported. I find that when I have a hard time embracing the moment, it is because my goals are not in line with being the parent my children need me to be. I also think of the example that I am setting for my children when I take out my frustration due to out of line expectations on them. I also think about the feelings that they get from me if I just want to get it all over with. They most likely will grow up the same way. Trudging through life to get to a perfect fleeting moment. Not me. I demand euphoria! Check it out- www dot demand euphoria dot blogspot dot com There are many folks out there that really do love and embrace their lives and kids. It is possible and wonderful. Many hugs to all of you who struggle from one good moment to the next.

I really appreciate this post–I’m a mom of two boys, and my oldest has autism. Sometimes people will say, “But I bet you wouldn’t change a thing about him, huh?” Yeah I would! I mean, I love him for who he is and I love his quirks and I love who he is. But I would get rid of the crazy autism tantrums if I could. I would have him talk if I could. I feel like it’s similar to the carpe diem enthusiasts–I appreciate what they’re trying to do, but I MORE appreciate people like you who let me know that it’s okay not to love every second of every day, but still be thankful for my life.

I agree.

Whenever the old ladies say this to me I want to say back, “And you too, sweetie. Enjoy all that free time you have that I envy. Use every minute of it wisely. Especially since you’re starting to run low on those minutes.”

Thank you so much for writing this…you definitely touched on a LOT of things that go through my mind. I have 14 month old triplet boys & get stopped a lot in stores telling us to savor each moment. I try, but it’s hard when they’re all going at the same time & we also ask “how many more hours till nap/bedtime?”. If one of them was really hard one day, I felt guilty that I was doing something wrong. If I was a better parent, he wouldn’t be screaming or throwing a fit? We just took them on a plane ride (their second trip, but their first ones were when they were 4/5 months old), & yes, we were those parents. The ones with the child that just screamed for 10 minutes & no matter what we did they would not quite down. I could just imagine other people thinking that “if she were a better parent she would be able to keep him calm”. I almost wanted to apologize in advance to the whole plane before we left the tarmac.

Even now we look back at moments when they were younger & relish in the good & the bad memories. I also hope that when I’m older, I’ll also remember those times as good/bad/difficult & be able to pass along insight instead of just “carpe diem”.

Glennon,
I think that your feelings are very much the majority and the norm. So many folks can only wait until the child gets to the next milestone, gets to bed, gets a diploma and gets out of the house.
Parenting doesn’t have to feel this way. I have 2 small children. I felt that way often when I let my child CIO, put them in time out, grounded and controlled them. I have since changed. I embrace every moment. Yup. Sometimes when I’m in the moment it is very hard, especially when I don’t feel supported. I find that when I have a hard time embracing the moment, it is because my goals are not in line with being the parent my children need me to be. I also think of the example that I am setting for my children when I take out my frustration due to out of line expectations on them. I also think about the feelings that they get from me if I just want to get it all over with. They most likely will grow up the same way. Trudging through life to get to a perfect fleeting moment. Not me. I demand euphoria! Check it out- http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/p/parenting.html There are many folks out there that really do love and embrace their lives and kids. It is possible and wonderful. Many hugs to all of you who struggle from one good moment to the next.

Thank you. So well said. Just the other day someone suggested that maybe I was ready to return to work because I complain that mothering 24/7 is hard and that I sometimes need a break. No – I wasn’t saying I was done with being a stay at home mom, thank you very much – I was just venting. Aren’t moms allowed to do that? Why does it imply we don’t enjoy our children at all or staying at home if sometimes we don’t enjoy them or staying at home!? And by the way, I have four – the last was a happy accident, and it ain’t easy…but when I look to the future and grand family dinners with lots of chatter and lots of love, I see a light at the end of this sleepless dirty tunnel. 😉

I’m an old “mom” and a current grandmother. My three daughters are fully grown women – two of them with two daughters each, all young. They have their hands full, they are meeting themselves coming and going. Occasionally, one of them will ask me (rhetorically), “How did you do it?!”

It was easy (but hard). I just DID IT. I didn’t ask myself what the day would bring – only God knew! But whatever came my way, I just dealt with it. I didn’t plan my children’s future; I was just determined that they would reach adulthood in one piece, with no harm befalling them.

What the ladies in the Target lines are really saying is “I did that”, and maybe they’re asking themselves “I did enjoy it, didn’t I?” To me, that’s what memories are for.

I SO resonate with this, oh my gosh. Thank you for writing it. Beautiful, and a wonderful encouragement for this mama who compares (and comes up short) herself w/ other mom’s all the time. I thrive on admitting my faults though, of being honest about what it’s really like to parent, and this… this just says it so beautifully. Thank you, again!!!

Thank you for your honesty! I felt like I was reading my own story. Everyday is hard and yet we’re planning for #3. And sometimes people ask me “Why?” But last night my husband was out seeing some old High School friends and I let my girls fall asleep in my bed. When he came home, they were still in my bed snuggled up next to each other, and I was laying beside them doing some work on my laptop. My husband said “Why haven’t you moved them back to their beds yet?” And I replied, “I just like to listen to them breathe.” Kairos….

You somehow found words to describe my heart as a mother. Thank you and God bless you.

Are you and I twins? Thank you SO MUCH for your honesty ’cause I feel the EXACT SAME WAY. I am going to cry now and then hug my kids and count the hours until bedtime. Thank you!

Thank you and anyone who says you are being negative isn’t being honest with themselves in that parenting isn’t easy but worth it!

Thank you, thank you for writing this. It made me cry, and yes, I’m sure some of that is PMS, but it was beautiful. It’s exactly how I’m living life these days.

Thank you. That is all.

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it! I needed to hear this because it is exactly how I feel all of the time!!!!!!!! Thank You!

I am the mother of seven and was given the grace of raising six. Yes, there were times I was tired and worn out and wish the kids were all in bed which is only normal. It is also normal to feel a little guilty about that when you are laying in bed yourself waiting to sleep. But, I appreciated the sweet little old ladies for reminding me to not forget the sweet times. That is easy to do and we all need to be reminded by the veterans that enter our lives to remember to appreciate the sweetness. Yes, we all have the thorny times – we were only promised the strength to get through them. The worst for me was when a young mother about my age told me that it was probably just as well my twin son didn’t survive because I couldn’t have handled it. My reply to her was “Oh, my goodness, yes I could have!” She was no longer my friend because I couldn’t handle her at a time when I was grieving and having to go on because I had another son and other children to take care of and love. I love seeing young mothers with their children and it is hard to resist saying something especially when it is obvious they are doing such a wonderful job coping even if they think it looks like they aren’t. It is also easy to hear something meant in a positive light in a negative light if that is where you are at the moment. I do remember it used to bug me like crazy when a mother either complained about her kids incessantly or bragged about them incessantly. Kids are kids. They are all wonderful and they are all awful at any given time. Someday you will look back and understand us little old ladies and how we are remembering what was the best times of our lives and now knowing that we didn’t always appreciate that. My mom said that to me “Just know dear that this is the best time of your life. I know mine was in my thirties when my children were both young.” I’m glad she said that to me as it was a reminder to enjoy it all. Yes, even the bad times because that is when we are challenged the most to grow as mothers and find the solutions that are the most positive and creative that will ensure the best outcome for our child. Personally, I would not trade one single minute of my motherhood for anything. God gave me a wonderful gift that just keeps on giving.

Wonderful insights, and well written.

as everyone has already said- BEAUTIFUL!!! and just what we in-the-trenches-moms need

twittering
facebooking
etc, etc

Thank you so much for writing this…and sharing! You said it well and I can really relate.

I think the problem is that somewhere along the line someone added the word “enjoy” to the idea of carpe diem. As I understand it, to seize the moment has nothing to do with enjoyment–it’s about ensuring that I’m making the most out of each possible moment. Sometimes “making the most” means merely surviving (like your “Target line” situation), and when I do that successfully then I consider myself to have “carpe diem”-ed. The idiots who believe “seizing the moment” means “enjoying every moment” are, in my opinion, actually diminishing the power of what carpe diem means. If I expand my understanding of it beyond “enjoyment,” then I see that even the lowest moments of my life can be seized. The question is “am I enjoying the moment,” it’s “am I making the most of it?” And sometimes that involves no enjoyment at all.

Realistic gratitude – now that’s something I can live with! Thank you for sharing!

To all the moms and dads out there I know your frustration, sleep deprivation, etc. When I brought that beautiful new baby home I would start each day and realize I am his/her mom and will do the best job I can!!!! All the comments of cherish every moment, etc. are empty nesters, and weren’t saying that about 20-30 years ago when raising their little ones!! So don’t let these comments upset you, just smile and say “Thank you for the advice”-because when you become a grama, you forget how hard it was being a mother-and we all go thru the same cycle!! I feel bad for the new parents of today because it is so different now, alot of pressure to raise perfect kids, bedtimes, healthy meals, well behaved, look good, have a perfect home, many books out there giving advice-on how to raise perfect kids!!! Back in the ’80’s we didn’t have that pressure-No kids fit the same mold- and we had moms, friends, etc that helped us when we were frazzled and it was ok not to be perfect or have the perfect child!! Mom’s can’t do it all-so give yourself credit-ask for help-pay for a house cleaner maybe twice a month-the money is well worth it-or trade watching each others kids for a day so you can get things done without any interruptions!! It was so hard with many ups and downs raising our children, one having problems, almost losing a baby to a very serious illness, etc. It is the HARDEST JOB ON EARTH!!! Give yourself credit, lighten up, you are all doing a wonderful job!!!

I carpe’d 10 minutes to read this. I am sooooo glad I did. Thank you so very much for the breathe of fresh air. I thank my beautiful sister for sharing this…

Hi, My sis just forwarded your post to me and I LOVED IT! I have 3 kiddos of my own… I cracked up that WHILE I was reading your post I had to stop and go get t.p. out of my 4y.o. daughters bootie and then saw the over flowing bathroom trash so I emptied that too… and then I don’t know what else but either way it’s crazy and it’s hard. I am one of those honest mamas too- That’s why I think it is SOOO important to stick together as women and not be caddy, we need to dig each other out of the trenches. Just b/c you say parenting is hard doesn’t mean you don’t like it! Anything that’s worth having is hard!
Hugs and encouragement to you in your journey!

Love, love, love this!

Amazing and well said.

The full phrase from which ‘Carpe Diem’ comes from translates to “Seize the day, do not trust tomorrow”. Part of your issue with Carpe Diem seems to be a little misunderstanding of its meaning. It merely means to ‘enjoy the breathtaking view’ at least once a day as no one can be certain they will live to see tomorrow.

Thank you for sharing this. I really needed someone to put into words how I have been feeling.

I love that you separate the times into Chronos and Kairos times. I don’t think children can truly be enjoyed in Chronos time because Chronos ate his own children. It’s kind of a curse for mothers everywhere, I think.

Thank you for all your insight and being willing to share this with the world.

I whole heartedly agree with everything you’ve said. I want to deck those people that say, cherish every moment. I look at them and think, really, you want me to cherish this moment that my son is happily screaming his head off while i wait to check out? Are you cherishing this moment because if you are, could you tell me how you’re doing it through these ear piercing screams? But then there are the times that he looks up at me and smiles and thanks me for getting him his trains or reading him his favorite story and THOSE are the times I cherish. Those are the times I like to believe I’ll remember. And those are the reasons we’re having another.