Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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2,618 Comments
We had four children in five years. Our oldest is now 13, and the whole process has been alternately insane and awesome. I wouldn’t change a single thing about it, and can relate to all the comments and experiences mentioned both in this post and the subsequent comments.
And yet I find that I am one of those people cheering on those other, younger mothers to ‘enjoy’ it, and thinking I’m really clueing them in when I go on to say ‘they grow up so fast’. Not sure why I say it, because I remember how absurd it used to sound to me when in the midst of one of our own Target checkout moments. I think I say it because telling a stranger in a checkout line that ‘I loved having parented’ would require a bunch of explanation. So instead, I quickly grab the first tired and inadequate expressions that come to mind.
What I should really say is what my old next door neighbor, now dead, told me when we still only had three of our four. One day as the kids crawled all over the place, she told me, not once but three times, ‘ The time of your life is now!’. She was 90, a widow and mother of 7. I think she knew what she was talking about.
thank you. I’m a new mom to a 3 week old son. I kept hearing how great children and being pregnant was during the 2 years of unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant. When I did get pregnant I was totally miserable. i worried constantly about losing this baby and my body felt like I went 20 rounds with a professional sumo wrestler with a grudge against pregnant women. I couldn’t voice my misery because as I was told several time ” I WANTED THIS!” “THIS IS WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR” I felt like a failure and the kid wasn’t even sporting a working nervous system yet.
Now they he is here, I am so thankful, but its not easy. I find myself wondering who this person is, this new mom is. People have all these hallmark cliche things to tell me, but really its the stuff in the middle that matters right…
Anyway, thank you for this, it was passed around on FB and I am so glad because it was exactly what I needed to see today, in my non showered, exhausted, crusty and crying hormonal mess world. Above all thank you for being honest.
Thank you for writing this! It’s what I need to make it through my days! I will share it with my other mommy friends!
A wise person once said to me…. the days are long but the years are short. Very, very true as I wonder if I will survive junior high boydom. I will also be eternally grateful to the woman in my parish who looked at me one day when I was dealing with toddlers and said, “I remember those days. Time felt like it stood still. I couldn’t wait for bedtime.” God, I love that woman to this day for that ONE admission of reality.
Amen! I’m a mommy of 5 and most of my days are busy ones. Above and beyond the usual busy, I mean.:) I do try and cherish those moments when the world slows us down. Like when you get behind a funeral as you’r driving to pick the kids up from school or a family of geese decides to cross the road when you’re trying to get the kids to a birthday party with a gift that still needs to be wrapped. I think it’s a big reminder to slow down and take a deep breathe. I want my children to know if you don’t slow down every once and awhile you’ll miss the butterflies, the smiles from strangers and the baby geese waddling across the road. I tell them to think of these times as a gentle shoulder rub to slow down. Embrace them and be thankful for them.
Amen! It IS hard! Raising conscious, Godly children takes effort and work. I’m sorry you have actually received comments about wanting a fourth. I never did get that one and I find that very rude that anyone thinks they have a right to say that to you. I have four. Somedays, are really, really hard. Sometimes, when you are cleaning up poop or puke, you don’t want to be IN the moment 🙂 Just keep going sister! Clearly,you’ve got this covered and that’s all that matters. Because there are hard times doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. I always love the comment, “Wow your hands are full.” To which I have learned to say, “Yes, and I love it.” or “Better full than empty” I only use the last when someone is being rude about it. Isn’t it interesting how we women think we need to tell another woman what we “think” about their situation, even if it’s none of our business and isn’t nice? We don’t see men doing this! Thanks for a great post! 🙂
Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
Thank you, much needed this morning.
Wow!! Absolutely the best and most well written comments on motherhood! Thanks for the truth of writing about how it REALLY is (both the good and the gritty).
Wow. Amazing post.
you have captured truth and beauty and the difficult all together here and come out victorious! Kairos!
I so enjoyed…
And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.
Blessing to you and your dear ones
Thanks to a girlfriend of mine that shared this particular link. Thank you for writing about your thoughts while being a mother. I wanted to cry especially at the part where the future you acknowledges the efforts it takes and then go on to offer to help with paying for the groceries and getting it to the car.
Being a wife and mother is hardwork whether you have one or multiple children. The old saying “it takes a village to raise a child” has more truth to it than most believe. A single person doesn’t equate to an entire village. I’m so grateful for the women in my life that are very real about the difficulties and hardship they have (or are) gone through. It makes me feel “normal” instead of the odd duck. I appreciate being acknowleged for what I am doing versus feeding self doubt.
Thank you for being real! Thank you for the example of Mt. Everest! Thank you for the reminder of Kairos time perspective! Thank you!
Perfection. That was probably the most exact representation of how I feel on a daily basis. And you know, I would beat myself up about loving bed time and counting down the ” your turn” shift. Absolutely loved your post. In my opinion it is so important to show the entire “climb” instead of just a small milestone. I often get told by my single friends how perfect my life is, and I try so hard to explain that motherhood is a beautiful journey but it is far from perfect and even farther from easy. I feel like they look at me thinking ” what I would give for that life, how can she be so ungrateful ?”
Thank you for this post, it was in fact pure perfection!!
I think you were on the right track when you discussed the “Don’t you mean you love having parented?”
Those old ladies are reflecting on a moment in THEIR life that they miss, not really a moment in YOUR life that they’re afraid you’re going to miss.
But it’s human nature to take it personally.
It actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. I’m sure they no doubt had difficult moments in their parenting experience that left them in the same place as you – but as they say, “the grass is always greener on the other side.”
Or in your analogy – the air is always sweeter at the top of the mountain.
When they look at your kids, they see their own, and that’s precious to them.
I bet one day, you’ll be too glad to have your own grown kids and too wrapped up in your own moment of reflection to offer any kind of van pull-up service.
I have found myself saying that to new mothers…”enjoy every moment, it goes by fast”. Well, because the baby moments do go by so fast (too fast for me). I would stop myself on endless sleep deprived nights (walking my youngest daughter around in my arms for 2 hours, dare I sit or lay her down or she would start crying again) and adore her. I would stop myself from getting caught up in self pity for a few moments at a time and absorb the precious moment, knowing that soon she will grow up, soon enough I won’t even be able to hold her in my arms. It helped me get the through those nights and I am thankful that I took those moments to enjoy just holding and comforting my baby. So, in saying “enjoy every moment, it goes by fast”, I was hoping to pass on those moments of being fully conscious and enjoying precious moments, instead of letting your sleep deprived mind worry your time away. Perhaps maybe in one of their sleep deprived nights, they would remember my words and take some moments to enjoy their tiny babe. It’s easy to get caught up in worry when you are exhausted. Anyway, in no way was it meant to mean enjoy every single moment or something is wrong with you. We have enough to feel guilty about these days…feeding my child chicken nuggets too often, using too many paper towels, not recycling every piece of paper, plastic, tin….it could go on and on. Not every moment and not every day is enjoyable and we dont’ need to go around feeling guilty about that either.But, that being said, I think I will take the word “every” out the next time and just say, “enjoy precious moments.” : )…thank you.
Wow! Thank you for your honesty! I am only 1 month into this parenting journey – my baby girl is so beautiful and so amazing. But it is hard… Mostly the lack of sleep. Hearing other moms’ stories I realize I actually have it pretty darn good so far. But, reality is that life is so different now and I am still adapting, accepting, and attempting to embrace the change. So when older ladies (or even just ones with toddlers) have said, “enjoy every moment of this stage”… I laugh and roll my eyes. To be honest I just can’t wait till she sleeps more than 2 hours before I have to feed her again. Okay, so I’ll never get 10 hours uninterrupted, or get to sleep till noon on a Saturday… But maybe one day soon she’ll give me 6 hours solid… And you better believe that I will enjoy every moment of those 6 glorious hours! 😉
Of course, I realize that as she gets older, the challenges will change and I will constantly be adapting and learning. But at this point, All I honestly really want is to just get 8 hours of solid sleep with out having to pop her on the boob, change her diaper, or sway and “shhhhshhhshhh” for what seems like an eternity only to have her snap back awake the second I set her down.
So, as for “the climb”… I am scared, I am unsure, I am inexperienced, and damn – I am so tired… But I am also excited for this journey and will remind myself as often as possible that my daughter is a blessing from God, whether I “enjoy every moment” or not. 😉
WOW!!! No way could you have described these sentiments ANY BETTER!!! I LOVE your TRANSPARENCY!!!! Something that’s missing in today’s society… I agree agree agree… love this!!! Just sayin!!!
I think you were on the right track when you discussed the “Don’t you mean you love having parented?”
Those old ladies are reflecting on a moment in THEIR life that they miss, not really a moment in YOUR life that they’re afraid you’re going to miss.
But it’s human nature to take it personally.
It actually has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. I’m sure they no doubt had difficult moments in their parenting experience that left them in the same place as you – but as they say, “the grass is always greener on the other side.”
Or in your analogy – the air is always sweeter at the top of the mountain.
When they look at your kids, they see their own, and that’s precious to them.
I bet one day, you’ll be too glad to have your own grown kids and too wrapped up in your own moment of reflection to offer any kind of van pull around service.
My college (Boston University) has the motto “Carpe DIem” and I have tried, much of my life to do that. Life IS great, and many of us DO have all those wonderful things to be grateful for (like the kids and grocery money and the snuggling nights). I was the older woman in A&P who said that to a young mother just last week. I’ll think before I am quite so glib next time. It IS a hard climb, raising kids. I single parented one for over 17 years. But looking back over the photos in scrapbooks, he is smiling in almost all of them, and though I know there were times when he (and I) was worried, or lonely and confused, the evidence is that I was a good parent and – though not perfect by any stretch of the imagination – I helped him to learn to seize the day. I delight in seeing him do it and I’m sure you do the same with yours. So “Carpe Kiros!”
What a wonderful, truthful, incredible reflection! Your explanation is so, so relatable, and I love your use and explanation of Chronos and Kairos. I am a writer for OSV, working on high school curriculum materials (in religious education). I can also relate to your “I love having written.” When I’m not actively working professionally, I blog at momiliesandmore.wordpress.com. I only started blogging in Aug, and have been on hiatus since Oct due to work and motherhood. Thank you for your having written! And your having mothered!
You are amazing!!!! I love the way you think and look at life. I’m a mother of only 5 the youngest is 18 and I have said to many young moms, “Enjoy every minute, it goes by so fast” I think you have articulated wonderfully all the moments of each day that really pull through. God has given you a gift and please continue on being so honest and keep seeing.
I had 3 kids in 25 months. (one set of twins and a singleton). I have promised myself that I will NEVER EVER NEVER tell someone they have their hands full. Ever. I will never stop a young mom in the grocery, touch/breathe all over her kids and tell her how she misses those days. Ever. With all 3 kids in school I am just starting to understand the whole, “it goes so fast” stuff. Reality is it doesn’t go fast while you’re in the midst of 3 in diapers and chocolate syrup spread all over your walls from the kitchen to the bathroom. It just doesn’t. Inevitably we all become that old lady in the grocery? Let’s commit right now to put an end to this right now. It stops with our generation. We can dream.
This was a wonderful read and I couldn’t agree more! It’s soooo hard but I wouldn’t trade it! I’m through with feeling guilty for not carpe-ing ever dang diem! I love the whole concept of kairos. I have those moments and it’s easy to seize them because sometimes that’s the lifeline… God’s time… yes. It’s how He keeps us sane through it all. Thank you, for this thoughtful, insightful and meaningful post! God Bless you with a myriad of kairos (kairi?) :0)
Peace,
Temple
Thank you for expressing what I always think so much better than I ever could have. Your words were just what I needed to here this morning.
Unbelievable!! That is hands down the BEST mom blog post I have EVER read. That is my life and you described it perfectly!!! AMAZING!
My mother came from a family of 9 kids, and she had 9, and her siblings all had large broods. The biggest lesson I learned was watching her and my aunts together, dealing with a meltdown, a mess that needs cleaning, a whiny preteen and a sulking teenager all at the same time. I would see the eye contact, the sympathy, and most of all the humour. They might laugh out loud, or stifle the laugh if it felt too cruel for a serious child, but it would be discussed with laughter later on. They weren’t carpe dieming, they appreciated the absurdity and striving and sweetness of children growing, they were commiserating, and they were helping each other let go of the frustration as soon as it passed. My mother left her profession to raise us, and she told me there wasn’t one single day she didn’t know her job of helping to make wonderful contributing adults was important and had value.
Plus, when we were considering having 3 children, she told me, “One is one, two is two, and three is seventeen. It just means a few more shirts in the load of laundry, more pasta in the pot.”. If you already have three, well then, you pretty much know what four will be like. Thanks for the article, I enjoyed this.
After I had my first child, during those hard first few weeks when you’re body is ravaged from delivery, you’re trying to figure out breast-feeding, you’re not sleeping, postpartum blues, etc., etc, I felt totally deceived by all women. Through all the showers and gifting, no one said, “Um… brace yourself, life is about to change and become very difficult.” The only thing people said was, “Sleep Now.” Like maybe if I slept enough it could somehow compensate for all the sleep I would lose later on. Really? Help a new mom out with a small dose of reality so she can be better prepared rather than be hit by a mack truck.
I identify with everything you’ve said. Thanks for helping me know that I’m not the only one out there who feels this way.
Funny, that is another one liner that bugged the crap out of me, like you can reserve all this sleep now……or sleep when the baby sleeps, really? with 3 other little kids running around, the house a mess, etc….. You can only do what you can do.
Britt – I felt the same way as you. Now that I have 4 beautiful children ranging in age from 7 on up to almost 15, I have learned that new moms do not want to hear what they’re in for. I used to tell my friends that very thing: Brace yourself, you’re in for a rough ride. They would smile and nod and go about their business as if I was just a negative nelly. When the hard times did kick in they might say, “Hey you were right!” but not usually. Mostly there is just no way to prepare yourself for the road ahead. Now I simply say, “If you are having a hard day, give me a call. I can rock the baby for an hour while you have a break.” That is much more effective because they feel like they have some support during those “Really? There are still 12 hours til bedtime!” days. I wish someone would have done the same for me! There is truly no way to ever prepare for what is coming, so while it’s ok to “let people know”, they don’t believe you anyway.
I totally concur. I have a two and a half year old and I have told all of my childless friends who are pregnant or thinking of getting pregnant what life is really like with a kid. I mean, who are these moms that give advice like “Cherish every moment” and “Sleep now.” Are they real moms? If they are moms, don’t they know how hard mothering is or that hearing something like that HURTS? I can only guess that they truly don’t (are oblivious) or can’t (are stupid) think before they speak.
So much judgement and “do it this way or regret forever” when it comes to child rearing. I try not to visibly wince when people say those things to me. I think my favorite thing about your approach is the certainty with which you hold what works for you.
First, I do appreciate honesty in all it’s forms…I think a lot of moms tend to hide that they struggle or that the motherhood gig can be really hard! That being said…just to add a different perspective…I spent a lot of years struggling with infertility and praying every single day that we could add a child to our family. During that time, I saw a really large number of moms who would chronically whine and complain about their kids, and really, really took it for granted. I also met great moms who I am still in awe of. But having been through what I went through…I Carpe Diem every single damn day….multiple times a day. Are there times when I feel like I’m barely getting through with a stubborn toddler and am looking forward to that glass of wine at the end of the day? Absolutely. But at least 3/4 of the time, I try to soak in the moments because they’re going so fast and because I know full well this might be my only child. I probably won’t get the chance to cuddle a little baby again, or watch a child take first steps again. It’s just our reality, and so I even cherish the moments when it’s freak out time, because I’m the one who gets to comfort, I’m the one who gets to guide this little person and for me, in my life, the fact that I get to do this at all is a miracle. So you better believe I soak it up as much as I can.
I agree. Yes I do think that it is hard and there are times that suck but you know what I am the one who brought these children into the world and it is a BLESSING to be able to raise them. I do cherish every single second…even the bad ones because these are my blessings and they will be grown and gone one day and I will miss all of them, even their screaming from the time out chair! I do not take one second for granted, not one. I really wish people would stop whining about their kids, why the heck did you bring life in to the world to complain about them…I would say most of the time they behave the way they do because that’s the way you raised them anyway so blame yourself.
Whoa! Ouch…
Did we read the same blog because I was moved to tears and thought it was delightful and refreshing!!
YES! I agree with you. I thought it was beautifully written but didn’t find the sentiment beautiful. I just have one little boy, and there is a reason for that. I don’t get it when people have more kids when they are clearly stressed out having the ones they have. I’m not saying she doesn’t love or enjoy her kids, and she’s not the only blog that talks about how much they can’t wait for bedtime. It’s some kind of “tough mom who can’t wait to have a glass of wine when the kids go to sleep” mentality I don’t get.
Wow, this is just SO perfect, and after the day I had yesterday, SO needed! His Nine Month Old Majesty was on FINE form all day yesterday and believe me, there was an awful lot of chronos time going on! (He shared his views of the day on his blog http://www.walkingforadam.blogspot.com) Thank you so much for these wise and absolutely true words.
While reading your post I can understand where you are coming from. I too had those moments and I also have spent nights waiting for bedtime to come. I had felt this way up until I realized the impossible is possible. I would give anything to have that moment you had in the target line and would love and be grateful for every second of it. Why would I enjoy being frustrated and wanting to pull my hair out, because I can never have that again. Instead I get to spend the rest of my life jealous, insanely jealous, of those frustrating moments like the ones you described. What make this even harder to bear is knowing that the mothers in those moments can’t really understand how grateful they should be. So who cares if she has a bra over her shirt, hand her to the cashier to be scanned wearing the bra. I find that the frustration come from mothers taking this so seriously. If your child is laughing, then laugh with them. So again, why am I so jealous of these moments. My daughter died. I can not have another. I will never have those moments. I remember the times in the grocery store when she would pull stuff off the shelves without me looking and I would look down in the cart and find it filled. It used to drive me crazy. Now I go to the grocery store and try to make it through the store, into line, pay for my food and leave without breaking down, having a panic attack or just losing it since I can’t have those moments anymore and for not taking them less seriously when they happened. I think you should feel guilty. I do, for not being more grateful when I could be. For not enjoying the moment and yelling instead. For anxiously waiting for bedtime. Maybe you don’t have to seize the day, but at least enjoy ALL the moments you have now, because it has never been guaranteed that when you wake up tomorrow morning, all of your children will as well.
Thank you ” bereaved” for sharing your perspective. I am so sorry for your loss. I could barely breathe reading your post. And while I understand the loggers admission that parenting is hard, I disagree with her attitude toward the women. Their words are wellmeaning and wise and I am grateful every time someone reminds me to remember the important things, especially when im lost in tell hard stuff..
Thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry for your loss. I agree with you that one must realize how special every moment is. Who cares if your kids are acting out in the store. Sit down with them until they are calm. NO reason to get all flustered. I really hope that your story helps others to realize the importance of living in the moment and not worrying about what else they should be doing.
Sorry for your lost, and thanks for sharing, I have hard days, but I love when the old ladys help me remember the times goes fast, specially you never know what is going to happend, so love being a mom, the is a very special job.
I am truly sorry for your loss, and I appreciate your perspective on the situation. I cannot imagine the loss of a child and how you are coping. I hope in your anxiety and depression, however, you don’t forget that many moms of living children (like me) suffer from anxiety and depression that was brought on post-partum and has not gone away (I have a 2 and a half year old son). So please do not tell me I should feel guilty for feeling anything in trying to deal with this. Those words harm. And Glennon’s words are amazingly uplifting.
Thank you for this post! My friend posted the link to it on FB and that is how I found it.
This definitely hit home for me! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Wow! Just read your blog for the first time. I got to tell you I am totally convicted. I’m 47 and have two kids. I find at this stage in my life as a “empty nester” I do look back with reflection on my life and think how did I do as a mom, wife and friend. For most of us I think we realize that we let some things “get to us” that we really should have let go. We are trying to pass on wisdom to younger moms. Not to make you feel bad or to stress you out, but to let you know what we learned now that we have made it through the mommy battle field. We are scarred, beaten and bruised just like you young ladies. We are trying to encourage you, but I guess what we are saying is not the right words. So please tell me what would be a word/action of encouragement. I have stopped and taken back the grocery cart, paid for a young mom’s groceries, tried to help a mom with an autistic child who was screaming bloody murder in the Target. Some of the moms were ok others looked at me with frustration thinking I was judging them with their parenting skills. Others are frightened because we are approaching them with their young children and they think we might be the “quote crazy person who steals their child in the parking lot.” We have empathy for you because we have walked in your shoes and we are trying to cheer you on in your uphill climb. We are looking back and life has flown and oh my gosh it is going even faster now. Some of us realize we have already lived most of our lives. Some of our friends have passed away. We are in such a different season in our life than you that we are not relating or expressing our feelings in a heart felt way. I want to love on each of you because your battle for your children in this world is even tougher than what we had to endure with our children. So the next time I am out in a public setting. Please, tell me what I could say or do for you that would bless you, encourage you or give you that extra boost to make through the day? I hope you have heard my heart and I look forward hearing the responses. Thank you for your blog.
You put into words so well how I feel. I feel so bad when I see a mom with a out of control child. NOT because I think she is a bad mom but because I’ve been there and know how hard it is. Children sometimes lose it just like we do. But they allow themselves to do it publicly. I would love to know what to say to be supportive.
Well put. I’m about 10 years out of my serious parenting years. The paydays are random, but they do come. I really like your spin on the entire effort. It was hard, and sometimes the best part of the day was putting my weary body to bed. But the good news is we remember the good moments more than the bad, and the bad moments become funny stories to tell at the dinner table years later.
If you’re a young mom, you are light years ahead of yourself. Congratulations!
Love.Just.Love
I don’t normally read your blog, in fact this is the first time I ever have. My sister posted on Facebook a link to this so I came to see what she was talking about and I, like her, feel exactly how you do. I am a new mom. My baby just turned 6 months old this week and I have had do many of those moments where people tell me to enjoy every second. Like you, it makes me overwhelmed to hear that all the time. We have our survival moments too but getting through the day us truly our goal. Being a mom really is hard! So incredibly hard. It’s the moments when my baby wants me and only me (and I’m not in a “leave me alone” mood) that truly makes it feel worth it.
I’m so glad you shared what you did. I am going to “carpe a moment a day”. My moment is happening now as I rock my sweet boy to sleep.
Keep on trudging!
Couldn’t have said it better myself!
When someone shares something glaringly obvious with me, I realize that it may not be so obvious to them. I find they had to learn that life lesson the hard way; through experience. If God has shown me already what it took someone else a lifetime to learn, I count it a blessing. Parenting is hard. I am a new mother, but I know this to be true already. I am, however, enjoying every moment; the wonderful and the challenging. God is growing me through both. People have different views because of their choices and experiences. Thank you for sharing yours. Blessings to you on your journey.
I appreciate this post and can totally relate, with 3 young kids of my own. I love your wit and honest articulation, and would totally agree with you on most days. However, I have a 19 yr old friend that was just diagnosed with Leukemia which has changed my perspective of living. She’s not promised to live tomorrow, but in reality, neither am I. None of us are. She is fighting for today. And so should I. Life is hard, parenting is hard, and I don’t know that it ever gets any easier, or that there is a Mt. Everest to reach. So today, my friend and I are going to go ahead and Carpe Diem…the good, bad, and ugly moments…because that’s all we are promised.
Thank you! It IS hard. That is not negative, that is the truth.
Oh thank goodness someone finally said it! I’m so sick of people looking at me like I’m just a negative, unappreciative jerk every time I mention how hard it can be to be a parent, never mind the all day every day of a SAHM. I think a lot of people say something like Carpe Diem because they feel the need to pat themselves on the back and that’s great we should all do that regularly. But why step on someone else’s ego to do it? Women need to be more empathetic with each other. It’s not a contest! We need to boost each other up not tear each other down. And if you can’t be supportive then just keep your comments to yourself! I love to turn to another Mom in the checkout line with kids and grimace comically then make a comment like “I’m feelin’ ya!”or to just stop and chat about our lives a bit to show that they’re not alone in it all. Everything that is worthwhile in life is hard work and that’s a fact!
I LOVE this! I don’t have children of my own, but my husband and I have been trying for two and a half years. I get very similar comments very often – “Oh, just enjoy it! Relax! You’ll WISH you had this time again!” And sometimes I can enjoy it and relax and remember that one day when I haven’t showered in days and the kids are destroying the house I will wish I had it again, but there are other times when it’s extremely painful and difficult and frustrating beyond reason. And the worst part about these comments is when they come from people who had kids on the first try, and I think – “How would you know?” In any event, thanks for reminding me that it’s okay for parenting to be difficult (and life, for that matter), no matter how much I’ve been looking forward to it. You keep on truckin’! Carpe those few moments a day!
PS I am a teacher, and I think I will try to remember that idea of “Kairos”. There is an awful lot of Chronos when trying to teach high schoolers how to sing!
Beautiful thoughts on parenting/mothering. We ARE so lucky . . .
I love this! So well written.
As of mom of 3 older kids and 1 on the way I think what the moms are really trying to say is try to enjoy this time when your kids are little because it goes by too quickly. My oldest is 11 1/2 and I look back nostalgically on the sweet moments when he was a tiny baby. Did he cry, sure? Did he sleep? Not a lot but looking back it was still wonderful.
Parenting is hard, there is no question about it. I honestly wouldn’t say it gets easier though in some ways it does as the kids get older and more independent but at the same time it also gets harder in other ways.
Don’t feel guilty for not enjoying “every moment”, no parent can, it isn’t human nature, but try to stop occasionally and savor the moments you can. It is kind of like the saying goes, “the dishes and laundry can wait, the kids are only young once”. Which is true to some degree but if you never did dishes or laundry your house would be disgusting and you’d have no clean clothes to wear or dishes to eat off. It is finding balance.
Thanks for sharing!
Wow – your article really hit home. I cried through most of it. I used to love the phrase “Carpe Diem” and now am rethinking that. As I posted on FB – I read your article and the world now make a little more sense again. Thanks
I can’t imagine any mother NOT loving this post. I often get the “you’re too negative” feedback. Here’s the truth: Most people just aren’t honest, and often, honestly equals negativity in a lot of people’s eyes. Kudos to you, and keep up the good work!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Best analogy I’ve ever heard. I have always felt like a complete failure after a sweet little old lady reminds me of yet another thing I should be doing whole I can’t even get my kids in and out of a store without causing a scene. Great, I can’t make my children behave and now I want to punch an old lady in the face. Who wants to hit sweet lady? Certainly not a normal person, right? I think that from here on out I’ll just say to myself or possibly to my sweet friend, “Yes, I’m sure that the view is amazing from the top. If you”ll excuse me, I’m still climbing and sometimes I have to look down to make sure I don’t slip.” Thank you for your honesty and encouragement!
Thank you!!! I am a mother of FOUR BOYS. Ages 11, 7, 5, 2.
So many days I can’t wait until bed time. Last week I went to fill out some paperwork for the youngest to go to a mother’s day out kind of thing. My husband was working late, so I had to take all of then with me. It was horrible. I know people were looking at me thinking I had my hands full (I hear that one all the time). I am way more aware that my hands are full with four boys than you make think. I can’t stand when people say to Enjoy it, it’s over before you know it. It’s like you say, looking forward to bedtime. Heck, I’m just looking forward to no more diapers, then we’ll go from there. I don’t enjoy changing diapers, so I think next time I hear the enjoy it speech I’ll ask them to enjoy my 2 year old’s diaper for me. That would shut them up.
Thank you for the post, I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling insane at times, and wanting to run away for a day or two.
Yep I think you’ve said what I’ve often thought. 🙂
Only now as my kids are getting older do I have the time and energy to appreciate them and the parenting that goes into them.
I once encountered an old woman on a bus who obviously seeing my stoney far-away expression (I was struggling to keep a grip with my 3 children under 6). She said to me ‘it’s hard, love. I know, it.’ She said. ‘It will pass and it will get easier.’
I nearly burst into tears, couldn’t even stop to thank her as I struggled off the bus with one child in arms, one on hip and one at ankle, while trying to unfold the buggy. But it meant alot.
You almost made me cry! You couldnt have written it any better. I am printing the article and putting it on my fridge when I need to remember perfection is not always the best way!
Thanks
YES! years ago, when I was living in Detroit, I had a 3 year old and a 6 month old and was taking a much needed little trip to the grocery store. Everything Went smoothly UNTIL we got in the checkout lane (of course) when my 6 month old started screaming bloody murder and my 3 year old divided his energies between trying to run out the automatic doors (oh how I hate those things) and kicking and screaming at me everytime I grabbed him. Meanwhie, baby is still screaming. All par for the course when you have little ones, right? Apparently NOT for the other people in line. They were making snide remarks, rolling their eyes, huffing, glaring at my 6 month old… as I felt my face get red and tears spring to my eyes two older women swooped in and did exactly what you talk about doing – they said,”its hard isn’t it?!?! They’re just lucky they’re so cute!! You’re a good mom, we can tell.” They picked my three. year old off the floor where he had stationed himself to more fully throw his temper tantrum, held my infant while I payed and pushed my cart out to the car. As they were loading my groceries into the car one of them said, ” don’t worry, soon this stage will pass and you’d be able to shop just for the fun of it, like us – it wont last forever and you’re doing a great job keeping it together.” As I drove off with a renewed sense of normalness and sanity I said to myself, “that’s what I want to be when I grow up.”
Your comment made my eyes mist. My twin sons will be 28 in a few weeks; my daughter, 21, is off to finish her last semester of college, but I remember oh so well those days of groceries with childrren in tow. You are a terrific mother and your children are so fortunate to have you (regardless of whether they’re cute or not – LOL)
The “random acts of kindness” you were shown made me realize how much I would have appreciated that many years ago. Although I love surprising people with anonymous kind acts and notes at work (I’m a teacher), I hadn’t thought to extend it to the those who are truly unknown to me…..but you made me see how much it may matter. So starting this week, I’m going to open my awareness and heart to those who, like me many years ago, could possibly use a few kind words of assurance and encouragement along with, perhaps, a helping hand.
Thank you for sharing. I learned so much from your comments. Have a wonderful 2012.
Pam and Rebekah, sounds like you’re learning some Monkee ways already! That kind of outpouring of love-and-generosity-through-honesty-and-vulnerability-with-each-other is one of the kinds of things that G and the Monkees have been trying to foster here online and in our own lives and communities. G could say it better than me, so read more of her amazing posts to see what I’m talking about, but that’s at least the general idea. So glad to have more people joining this ‘reLoveution’!
Let me just say I am a grandmother and enjoy every (well almost) minute of this experience. I am one of those who say enjoy every minute. But I would think the “not so good” moments you have would be like childbirth. The farther you are away from the experience, the more you forgot. In defense of all the “old” ladies that tell you to enjoy the experience, we have forgotten all the unpleasantries that go with child rearing. As we get older, our children and our grandchildren become more and more precious to us and we have forgotten the “hard” times in raising that child or those children. Your children and grandchildren become the center of our universe. But, to your defense I do remember there were times that I did not enjoy parenting because of the responsibilites, etc. But age is like aged wine, memories just become sweeter and the “not so good” memories go away. So, as I am suppose to say, enjoy the moment!
AMEN!!! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Also, I think that as you age and your perspective changes, you see the “forest” for the trees, so to speak. You realize how great you had it and what a GIFT it was just to actually be a mother, even on the crazy days. So when the sweet ladies in the grocery store tell you to Carpe Diem, they mean it. And someday you will say it and mean it, too, G 🙂
G-
This article is an amazing answer to my own irk with the philosophy. Your Kairos moments as well as your Chronos are so relate-able.Even though my kids have left the coop I still have those times when I having been stuck in Chronos suddenly find myself in Kairos.
Times for instance when My husband and myself sit in bed and drink coffee before morning and cuddle the two dogs jumping up on the bed seeking a place to curl in because they too are cold and want to escape the mornings chill.
The day is yet to come with all it’s toils and I feel so surrounded by love that I say to myself I never want to forget this moment… “Let me remember this moment of love and serenity forever.”
Before to day I never had a word for that sentiment…. Now I do Thank You!
When you are over 50, you will have perspective and will understand just what those “old ladies” were trying to tell you. Until you reach that “life stage”, you can’t possibly understand.
I’m almost fifty and the mother of a teenager. You can no more seize a moment than you can put an ocean in a paper cup. I am sure you are special; all of us grains of sand are special. Maybe in your next “life stage,” you will be the one who understands.
Have that 4th child. You clearly are experiencing the wonders, the frustrations and the joy of motherhood. I am 61 and went through all of it with 4 kids. Now we get together with my kids and grandkids and it is truly a blessing. I am a better person for it.
Thank you! Loved this!! I agree and feel the same way. Blessings to you and your family on this journey!
Thank you!! Kairos <– I now have a word I can hang on to for those moments! You took what's been in my head for years while raising my kids and put it into words so eloquently — bless you!!
This is the most incredible thing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Amen
I am the mother of two – 5 year old girl, and 7 year old boy. I loved your post, totally understood where you are coming from, and wanted to share a tip with you…my children are now at the age where they can tell the time, and they know what time bedtime is. Now that it gets dark early, i have taken to putting the clock forward..the children get more sleep (that has to be good for them surely?) ad i get to “me time” a little early- essential on the days when they have been trying to kill each other, or throwing tantrums 🙂 Hang in there, and keep up with the writing, nice to know motherhood is the same, whichever country you are from (I’m from Cyprus!)
YES, YES, YES!!! I always thought I was the bad mom when I would cringe when people said this to me and I had a slight thought of “whatever lady, try being at my house when all hell had broken loose and I am in meltdown mode with my kids!” Gives me a little peace knowing others feel the same way! Thanks for articulating my thoughts one hundred percent, being so honest and making me laugh until I cried!
Here’s one perspective from the older lady generation…whenever I say something like that, to my own daughter or someone else, I think it is because I wish I could have some of those moments again,but also have the wisdom gained over the years. To say something calmly, instead of yelling, to play for a few minutes, instead of worrying about cleaning the floor. …to be a better example for my children to learn from. As I spend time with each of my grown children, I wish I could just magically fix each of their life challenges as easily as I fixed a scraped knee, or any of their other “boo boos” . When you are in the day to day of raising children it is not easy to see beyond the moment..I guess when those moments have passed for us older ladies, and we see someone with young children it causes us to remember our own, and how much we love them,and how strongly our hearts are linked to theirs…and we know because we have lived this truth, that they really do get grown and gone in the blink of an eye. I never think that those comments are made to be critical of the young mom, but I can understand how it could be taken that way. I think perhaps those well meaning words are spoken to the heart of the young mom within the older lady as much as they are to the mom ,standing in line at the checkout, trying to keep two sets of hands and feet in side the cart.
Yes, this is it. We want the days back, or at least want to experience them again. I just put my 28 year old son on a plane back to Korea to teach, and won’t see him for 14 months. My last child of five is graduating this year. My elderly mother in law lives with us, and the house is so quiet, and what you said is exactly right. I am looking at families with children still young and at home and am wanting more of those days again, the days that are long and noisy and confusing, the days where we read aloud together on the couch or in bed, the days where the ordinary sights and scenes of life are full of wonder, and where a simple walk is like a field trip. It is exactly more about how I am feeling about my life than advice for how you should feel about yours. But you having brought it up helps us all to understand each other and ourselves better, so thank you.
Thank you for posting this. I am a mom of six and grandmother of six also. My daughter amened this article and for good reason!! I am amening your comments (as one of the “older women”) because they are exactly how I felt when I was reading that young mother’s wonderful comments about parenting. How I wish we could have had the wisdom and perspective THEN that we have now, as we see how very fleeting life is. In the midst of the “climb” it is just so hard to stop and enjoy the view of how precious life is. I too, wish I could go back and play more and laugh more and maybe “enjoy the moment” more but I know that with the resources we had (not much money and no extended family around) we poured all we had into our kids and I LOVED being a mom! I think I will still say, occasionally, “enjoy these precious gifts” along with continuing to help ease the “climb” in any way we can for our grown up kids who are now parents (whenever we visit our one daughter we get up early in the morning so her and her husband can sleep in!!! a great gift for them.) I think that’s why I’m so passionate about helping my kids with their kids whenever we visit because I DO remember how hard it was when raising my own. My daughter always gets a kick out of my now to familiar parting words when we leave, “And hon, get some rest.”. I was very tired for over 20 years so I really know it’s what she needs!!! I will continue the “climb” and do all I can to bless my kids and grandkids still!
I don’t think you need to be a part of the “older” generation to be able to appreciate every moment. After my daughter died, I learned how important it is to not worry about the little things and take the time to appreciate every moment. I think the lack of appreciation comes from not having priorities in order and not making time. As a young mother I rushed to get to the store and home for nap or rush to make dinner, do dishes and give a bath before bed. Now I would give anything to say oh well I’ll do dishes later, or skip a bath for some giggles and play. Unfortunately, like myself, most people aren’t able to fully appreciate or enjoy even the tough moments until they no longer have them.
Man, no kidding, right? My own mother does this to me on a regular basis. The whole, “Enjoy it now because it’s over before you know it.” Or “too fast.” Or “you’ll never have this time again.” (That’s the one that really gets me.)
And I’m SO glad that for the first time I know, #1-I’m not the only person who’s told this, and #2-I’m not the only person who reacts negatively toward the statement. Because you’re right, parenting is HARD. And having that added layer of panic that I’m not enjoying it “right” makes me crazier than I already am half the time.
So thank you, Glennon. And all the best to you and the other moms. What you call Kairos, I call gratitude. It’s good to be thankful for all of it. (And that we made it through another day! … or shopping trip.) <3
Love, love, love this!!!!! I am a 50-something who lived everything you just so eloquently said. I will strive NEVER to carpe diem anybody as I get older!!
Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes it is hard for mom’s to honestly express the difficult areas of this job we have 24/7 – sorry folks it is not always peachy, but it is usually rewarding enough to make it all worth the effort at some point.
Thank you thank you! I have tears in my eyes, you expressed how I feel perfectly. I adopted both of my kids and feel guilty for ever thinking “this is so hard”, or ” i would give anything for a day alone”. I’m glad to know I am not alone. Thank you, this was brilliant and I needed to read it. I loved what you said about mount everett. I have never heard that comparison, so true though.
Simply amazing….thank you.
oh dear! mom of 4 here thru adoption (foster) and they are now 15, 13 and twins12, and the emotional craziness of the hormones and Independence that rages thru them…I once called my best friend while crying in the closet…oh I don’t like my kids….she laughed and said…then you must be a good mom, cause there are many moments I don’t much like mine either…Thank you for her honesty.
Now I love love my kidlets, but sometimes I don’t much like them. I will mutter under my breath, this is what you asked for, this is what you wanted….and that moment or day will pass.
I hear by promise to be the old white haired lady, who pats a young mom, and tells her it does get easier, and that her kids remind me of mine at the same age, loved! Good job mom!
Thank you for the wonderful post. I am the mom of five, and I am constantly stopped when I’m out with them. My favorite question is ‘Are the all yours?’ it takes all my willpower to not say ‘no, I just like torturing myself when i go grocery shopping, so I pick up random kids to take with me!’. I also homeschool and have a husband on active duty, so it’s me and the kiddos 24/7. As hard as it is, I wouldn’t have it any other way. They are everything to me, including my source of weekness and strength, sadness and joy, exhaustion and energy, wild and calm. Everyone wants to toss in their opinion on the job I’m doing, but I’m learning the only opinions which matter are those of my husband and kids. And for the people who want to judge me, I think that’s best left for God.
Very well put Tracey.
Such an awesome post! Thanks so much for writing it!
This is just beautifully written and I couldn’t agree more. I can’t wait to share with more of my mom friends.
Dear GOD thank you for this blog posting! I have been carrying such guilt around for stamping my feet at least once a day and saying “I hate this, I HATE this, I HATE THIS” – you are SO right about the Kairos moments, THANK YOU!! (ps, I have a 4 year old and twins are almost 2 – I can not WAIT for “this time” to pass me by)
Thank you for your post! I didn’t realize there was a name for that moment when we are transported to God’s time, thank you for that and for being honest. It’s such a relief to not feel like you are the only one thinking this! Hope i have as much grace as you do in those moments in the target line.
I received your posting through a friend and I NEVER comment on people’s blogs, etc, but I had to tell you that this was the most awesome little post I have read in a while. Thank you for hitting the subject right on and for making me love (I love the idea of people on Mount Everest ever 15 mins saying CARPE DIEM)! I am a follower now =)
Thank you! I cried reading this. I’m in the middle of no sleep with a 6-month-old. I’m exhausted. And my almost-3-yr-old has started asking “why”. It’s exhausting. And I feel so guilty that I’m not enjoying every second. I wish someone would look at me and say, “It’s hard, isn’t it?” But instead I get the “carpe diem” stuff. Thank you for saying what I am thinking. I’m thinking of passing this on to everyone who has every told me to enjoy every moment. 🙂
Seriously, thank you!
Thank You Thank You Thank You!!! I experience this guilt regularly and despise it! At times it does seem like “every other mom” just plans out and enjoys every moment with thier kids, and I just don’t. Just seeing how many comments are on here (I didn’t read most of them – there are so many!) helps me feel normal. I will no longer feel guilt for not striving for the “carpe diem” days, and will continue to enjoy the Kairos each and every day. Again, Thank You!
Awesom!
Thank you! There are lots of mamas out there just like you…some are just too afraid to admit it. I, on the other hand, shout it from the mountaintops with you!
Oh my goodness, AMEN sista. I just wrote about one of those days… who am I kidding, every day is “one of those days” but Kairos is marked in this household too. Thank you so much for sharing and tellin’ it like it is. I think I would crap my pants if a woman came up to me in the store and said
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
… and then I’d laugh until I cried! Well done.
C.
I loved this post and thank you for being honest about the hardships of parenting young children. My husband is deployed to Afghanistan and I’m acting as a single mother to a 3 year old, a 2 year old and a 9 month old and I live 6 hours away from any family. I am by myself 24/7 with my children and honestly, most days I just survive and if they are all fed and cleaned and sleeping peacefully at the end of the night, I’ve done well. So no, I don’t enjoy every moment but I do have a few of those awesome moments every single day. And losing a child will really make you appreciate what you have: our sweet 9 month old is a twin and her sister was still born. I do cherish my babies even more now that I know the pain of losing one.
Elaine- I am also a mom of 3 little ones close in age. Mine are 19months…..3yrs(in feb) and 4yrs(yesterday). I also live hours away from family and have no friends in this new place. It is very good to know I’m not the only one who is just trying to survive each day with happy healthy children.thank you for that.
Excellent! I could not agree more!!
[…] 2011 Lesson #2 : Don’t Carpe Diem | Momastery […]
Thank you for your honesty. I share your sentiments, raising 2 young children and attempting to have a part-time career working from home. Parenting can be drudgery, much of the time – the whining, the kids fighting, talking back, not cooperating… And there is far too little appreciation for a difficult job well done – no one gives you a stellar job evaluation and salary increase every year for your accomplishments. So many moms seem reluctant to admit how hard parenting is and either put on a false smile and act like all is perfect or pack their kids calendars so full that they don’t have to deal with them much of the day. I admire you for being with your kids and living in that drudgery and being honest about it. I wish more moms were honest like you because we could all use the support from each other.
We may not relish in every moment with joy, but we experience them and if we can appreciate ourselves and our families because of them, then I think we’re doing a good job!
Thank you so much- this was exactly what I needed to read this morning! Thank you!
Beautifully written – pithy and articulate. Thanks! I needed that!
Hi Sunny! I’m Sunny too! I got a little freaked out because i didn’t remember writing that comment, and I don’t think I even know what pithy means, (but I’m going to look it up now) What would the plural of Sunny be? Because they have spoken…Beautifully written and much needed.
I’ve been to the place you’re at and I now find myself “thinking” to say the same (note I said thinking) to mothers of toddlers. You might just have a follow up post in 10 years. It almost happens like this…You are focusing forward day after day, year after year barely having time to look at photographs of years past and one day you are at a landmark event and your oldest is graduating~ in a split second all of the previous years start flashing thru your brain and you might just find yourself “thinking” those exact words… “It went so fast” Those Target days become a precious memory,,,Sounds crazy I know.
Just in case any old ladies who want to pay for and carry out my groceries are out there reading my comment, I’ll be at the local Target around 9:00 this morning…with four children.
Seriously, though, this is a timely post. My pastor’s sermon last weekend was on the two “times.”. Maybe God is trying to tell me something? 🙂
I can so relate to your story. My only child is a wonderful man now, however, I recently heard a statement that makes so much sense for the type of day a mother usually has.
“The Days are Long but the Years are Short”. I think that sums it up nicely. Judy
That does sum it up really well! Completely Judy.
Hallelujah, sister!! Amen and praise the sweet baby Jesus!
” And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.”
That is EXACTLY how I feel… on both accounts.
I love it when I find a piece that an author has written that states exactly how I feel when I didn’t know how it say it so perfectly.
Thank you so much for this, nice to know its not just me that waits for bedtime! I have three children, love them to bits, wouldn’t do without them, but sometimes it’s a long hard day.
[…] stumbled across an excellent blog post yesterday that really resonated with me: https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ It’s so well-written and makes such a very valid point about parenting – that the […]
Thank you,
Your comments have had me altering my expectations. I have always thought I was never enough,not good enough. But I am at home with my kids, I am lucky to be able to have that option, it is not easy, no, but I get my Kairos moments. More than some moms are able to have. I am very lucky to have the opportunities with my kids that I have, now I just need to enjoy them more!
Thank you for giving us Mom’s the ability to give ourselves a break & not to have to be perfect all the time♥
AMEN…..beautifully said!!! Thank you for you honesty!
[…] on a blog that I will now be a regular reader of that I just loved and had to share —> LINKY! Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this […]
Love the honesty and the distinction between Chronos time and Kairos time! Here’s to hoping all us moms have bits of Kairos time in our chaotic days;)
I never really understood why I felt guilty and upset every time some well meaning person told me to enjoy this time. Now I get it. You spelled it out perfectly.
Here’s to noticing and appreciating moments during the day and surviving and just getting through the rest!
Thank you so much for writing this. It was just what I needed to read.. I was laughing out loud and crying at the same time. SO well put!
You should submit this to NY Times.
Interesting article! It catches the reality of being a mom…at least in certain moments. It’s a true account of what happens during most days. Yet some of the comments have me thinking.
I’m not sure what part of the world most of you are from, but I would do almost anything to hear more “little old lady” comments where I live. The following is a more common account of what happens in the grimy, dingy, urban world I live in:
Impoverished single mom with glassy-eyed toddlers in tow walks into a grocery store after a long day of work and day-care. One or both kids, starved for attention and some quality time at home, beg her for a toy. She says “no” and hence the fit begins. Like all moms, she is mortified by the scene they are making. She is demoralized by the fact she cannot afford the toy. Sadly, she also deals with the guilt of being a working mom and blames her children’s behavior on her inability to be with them more. Meanwhile, the strangers in the aisle either (1) roll their eyes or (2) turn up their nose or (3) make a snide comment TO THE MOM about disciplining her children. Believe it or not, I’ve seen this play out time and time again.
Fortunately, all it takes is a compliment to the mom, a smile to the children, or even a well-timed joke to completely change the mood of the situation. When I have chosen to remind such a mom of how important her job is with a “carpe diem,” she seems invigorated at the thought that someone else believes her forever-job is valuable. She seems to rejoice in the thought that the end is in sight!
I was privileged enough to be a stay-at-home mom for several years and enjoyed at LEAST 80% of it! This was in part because I grew up in an abusive home and could not believe my luck in marrying a good man who I knew would never harm any of us. This was also in part because both of my children were “miracle babies” who barely made it into the world. Sure I had my bouts of depression, my frustrations. I gave myself many “mom time-outs” so I could collect myself before facing more craziness. Yet I fondly recall all the times I left the dishes in the sink to read to my kids. I smile when I think of all the times I could have developed the next great recipe or craft but took my kids to the park instead. I took my grandmother’s words to heart, and it really did help.
I may not have 50 scrapbooks full of cute pictures, but I do have a relationship with my children that is based on trust and friendship and humor. I think that’s what my grandmother meant when she told me to enjoy it while it lasts. Moral of the story, love each moment with your kids. Yes, love EVERY moment. Love the creative trouble they get into. Love the tears and the hugs and forgiveness. Love the fact you have someone to scold and teach and send off to a nap. Love the fact there are mothers, grandmothers, and other women with mother-hearts still out there who get it, who value children, and who honor mothers for the sacrifices they make. Horray for the grandma with her hand over her heart!
Thank you for sharing this perspective. My niece died suddenly and unexpectedly last year and her mother would GIVE ANYTHING to be able to carpe diem. To be able to stand in the grocery line w/in a full blown tantrum because it would mean she was still with her. That she could take the hard with the good and know that it was ok and it was all worth it. After watching my sil go through this experience I firmly believe in carpe diem and enjoying every moment and taking the good with the bad because I’m grateful just to have them, healthy and happy, here with me.
What a great article! It brings back so many memories! I remember saying to my Mother many years ago that I knew I would someday treasure the days I was spending raising my two oldest daughters, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could put those days in a savings account and draw them out one day at a time, rather than experience all that “joy” constantly? Instead, we had a third daughter.
They’re all grown up now, and I do treasure the memories, but I got my “savings account”, too! Life happens and we adopted our Grandson! He’s six years old and keeping us young! We’ve had him since the day he was born.
YOU COULD BE ME!!! My husband is Craig, and he is in software sales too! I have a 7 yr old boy named Jonah and identical twin 20 month old girls, Gemma and Esme…I felt like you were writing what I was feeling. I am so UNBELIEVABLY blessed and lucky and fortunate, but god help me…If one more little bitty stops me while I am using the 20 open minutes that were available for me to grocery shop and tell me how sweet and beautiful my girls are and that they “always wanted twins” and that “they were supposed to be a twin, but they weren’t” and to LOVE EVERY MINUTE and oh…as an afterthought…your son must be such a great big brother…AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I love my kids, I love my husband, and our lives are so fortunate….But…It’s still a day to day struggle, joy and rollercoaster….Welcome to our Amusement Park! Thank you so much for making me feel normal!!!!