Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
Join Glennon on Facebook, Twitter, & Instagram
2,618 Comments
Loved this blog post. My kids are all grown up…yet it seems like only yesterday I was in your shoes. I, too, was told “Enjoy this time…it won’t last forever.” Sometimes it’s pretty hard to enjoy the sibling squabbles, the school issues, the endless laundry, and general chaos a family generates – every single moment of the day. Not gonna happen…but, like you discovered if you just BE in the moment, no matter how sucky some of them are, you are bound to discover the magical ones which grab at your heart, take your breath away and make you realize just how wonderful life can be.
This is one the BEST essays on parenting that I have ever read! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this!
Yes, yes, yes! My kids are 10 and 7 now, so it doesn’t seem like I get as many “enjoy EVERY single moment” comments as when they were toddlers, but these well-intentioned comments always irk me a little too.
Sometimes it feels like the comments come from a place of whistful nostalgia, while at other times, it just feels like judgement, plain and simple.
What a great post! I’ve never visited your blog before but a friend sent me this link. What a worthwhile pause to read it. I have three little ones and another due in May. People seem to think that we must have everything figured out as parents since we are having more – 4 seems to be well outside the norm these days. Life with our kiddos isn’t all roses but despite all the hard work and crazy days, they are the most incredible blessing from God we have in our lives.
Thank you! Thank you for your unabashed honesty. Thank you! I am so very grateful that this does not happen to only me. True honesty with ourselves and each other is what helps other women, other moms make it through every diem and enjoy every Kairos moments we have. Thank you! You have removed my guilt for not having enjoyed every moment. I have survived every moment, but not LOVED every moment. But I absolutely cherish those moments when time stands still. Mothering is hard, hard work. Thank you for allowing me to admit that. (First time reader, btw.)
[…] The sophisticated person that I am, I ate my crispy carnitas tacos in the car. And I read this article, which my cousin Alyson posted. I love it. […]
Thank you, thank you, thank you!! To overwhelmed right now to say much more – and my kids are older. 🙂 Thank you for Carpe Kairos time. xxx
When that old woman stops you in the grocery store to tell you to enjoy every moment because it goes by fast, she is not delusional, nor have her memories been glossed over by rainbows and glitter clouds. She is telling you exactly what you have discovered about Kairos moments. It goes along the same lines as, “Stop and smell the roses.” Parenting is the hardest thing you’ll ever do, but the most rewarding. The rewards don’t come as trophies, cash bonuses, or even pats on the back. They come in little hugs, and in hearing your children squeal with laughter. There is reward in seeing your little one’s grin when they realize they lost their first tooth, or when they tied their first bow. It is those Kairos moments that the old woman is telling you to savor and cherish, to imprint on your mind because parenting is tough, and we do go about it like a never-ending job, getting very few coffee breaks. What the old woman is really saying is, “I know it’s a tough job, so hang in there, and when you’re pushing the baby in the stroller past a bed of roses, with two toddlers in tow, your handbag filled with wipes and baby bottles, and you’re smelling of stale cookies and sour milk, take a second, turn your head towards the flowers, and take a whiff.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s not about believing every moment of every day is going to be all roses and gumdrops. It’s about allowing yourself–now and then–to feel your good fortune at that very moment. Just a thought.
Just needed to say thank you. So needed to hear that I wasn’t alone in this, and a godly way to give myself grace and STILL be a good mother, and you helped me. I will be saving this and reading it on those nights when I am that frazzled mother who is looking forward to bedtime, as I always swore I wouldn’t be when I didn’t know any better! 🙂 Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I NEEDED this.
I MISS my kids being little – I look at them as teenagers and wonder where those little kids are, who used to live here – BUT I also look at them in awe – they are GREAT NOW and no matter what age and no matter what has happened good or bad since they were born (and even before) Don’t complain about what people say to you – revel in the fact that you could have children in the first place. And stop whining – a lot of people – including my older sister- have lost a child too early in their lives. We are all amazing in that we can handle what we do handle – and be grateful that you have the means to handle it, some are not so lucky. I am not amused by this Lesson – what? Don’t seize the day – throw it away? I think not.
I think she was saying ‘don’t feel guilty if you don’t enjoy every second of being a parent’. not ‘throw it away’. it’s freakin’ hard being a mom; those kids take all you have…I think most of us are liking the idea of not living our life riddled with guilt because we don’t think parenting is sunshine and rainbows. no, I’m not hearing whining, I’m hearing a woman who is willing to be honest about her thoughts and feelings. everyone needs to know they are not alone. I think that’s the lesson here: you are not alone if you feel the same; parenting is NOT always pretty.
Yes, that is what she means Jenna.
Well said, and well done. I found parenting a tough job, because it is. You know what? I still do and my kids are grown, it comes with the territory. I’m one of the honest ones though, who remembers it being hard and who will offer one of my now free hands. One of my pet peeves is the women who say stuff like ‘my kids would never ….’ Yeah they would. You keep on doing a great job and your kids and society will thank you for it.
Here’s what i posted when i shared this on FB to my friends. “Someday I am going to start a blog. I would aim to write ONE thing as beautifully and as true as this and make people laugh out loud as I did and you might. My moment of “kairos” today was Kate (my wife) reading this to me out loud while we giggled together. I love parenting but “not every single minute of it”. Thanks Kate for finding this and for rockin’ the good, the bad and the stomach bugs with me.”
Just a great insight delivered with empathy and love and laugh out loud humor. Thank you for creating and sharing it.
You have no idea how you just tiptoed inside of me and extracted my exact same feelings and thoughts!! 🙂 I appreciate you putting it into just the right words. It’s okay to not feel like Mary Poppins all the time! It doesn’t mean that you aren’t thankful and grateful for your life and blessings. And when I finally do collapse on the couch after wrestling them into bed, the bummer moments start to melt away and I reflect on their brilliance, and cuteness and hilariousness. And I resolve to be a little more patient, a little more kind… Finding the kairos. Such a beautiful way of putting it.
(Tears running down my face!) “Thank you!” I have three children, ages 12, 9, and 4. I work full-time, besides overseeing my family. I am up at the crack of dawn (breakfast, ironing clothes, lunches made, etc.) and the last to bed (cleaning up the kitchen, doing laundry, etc.). I am the taxi driver for the sports activities. I am the mom (up at night) that makes the posters for the schools sporting/activities events (because I feel guilty that I can not volunteer during school hours – hate those dang emails and notes about volunteering at school from PTA/Homeroom Moms). I don’t have someone that comes and cleans my home…that person is me. Yes, I am overwhelmed and tired. Would I change my life??? No, I would not. Like you, I find the “simple” things to look at. Not a day goes by that my 9 year old tells me that I am the most beautiful mommy in the world. My 12 year old daughter, she has been independent since the day she was born. But lately, we have grown closer because of these “womanly” changes she is going through. And my Noah, the 4 year old. I am looking so forward to him starting school next year. I get the funniest looks from people because I say that (with a smile on my face). I adore him, but am excited for a new chapter with him. “Thank you” for making me feel….that I am not alone.
Sam, I could have almost written the same comment, as it sounds so much like my life 🙂 My three are 10, 8 and almost 5. Tears were running down my face too.
[…] […]
Reading this was a “Kairos” moment! I read this while my second child (4 months) was sleeping in her bassinet next to me. My husband has his head on my lap snoring. My 6 year old lab is snoring even louder. My kitchen is a mess since my 4 year old wanted Mommy to “race” after dinner. She’s mighty fast! It’s chaotic and hard and beautifully wonderful all at the same time!
Snore on my family. I am enjoying a glass of wine while you slumber!
Thank you for one of the best things I’ve read in a very long time!
I had a wise older woman once tell me while I was pregnant, “The days are long and the years are short when parenting young children.” some days are longer than others, but I now understand what she meant.
Boy! Do I feel guilty! I’m one of those old ladies who tells young moms this time will pass quickly. I’ve meant it as encouragement — kind of “I know you’re exasperated and at your wits end and feel like this exhausting time in your life will go on forever, but it doesn’t.” It never dawned on me that it could be taken this way. Thanks for opening my eyes.
Mary, Don’t let it open your eyes TOO much.
I am a mother of 5 children. One sweet, lovely, talented 13 yr-old girl who is often so mouthy I want to smack her, but I don’t because I know what that feels like. 4 boys; ages 8 (with almost debilitating ADHD), 5 (also either ADHD/Aspbergers who won’t quit pooping his pants even at school), 3 (so far, no ADHD to speak of, but he is the most “stereotypical” redhead screaming boy you’ve ever met) and 8 months (I tell them all he’s my favorite, because he doesn’t give me any lip… of course I’m lying, because I would die for any of my children).
I am never offended, and often need to just take a break and look up from the madness. I am thankful when someone reminds me that I am lucky (because I am! I have many friends who can’t even conceive ONE child!), and that the days will go by too quickly (THEY WILL! My almost 14 year-old daughter was just a baby a few short years ago!). I am someone who never wants to go a day without being grateful for my beautiful children.
Maybe I can just relate a little too much to another commenter who stated that growing up in an abusive home, she was just grateful for a husband who she knew would never lay a hand on her or her children.
For example, although I nearly fainted into my computer chair from exhaustion a few hours ago when my kids went to bed (after they’d been rambunctiously jumping from couch to couch while the baby was trying to fall asleep), I was actually glad that my son came to me a few minutes ago (while I was reading this article and the ensuing comments) and asked me if I had something to soothe his burning lips. He had been licking them all day, and was now having a hard time sleeping because they were raw.
I will not go into detail here to describe what would have happened to ME at 8 years old if I dared to wander from my room to ask one of my parents for something at 1:30 in the morning! So, while this author makes a few funny points about how difficult parenting is, I don’t agree with the message of “Hey old lady, don’t tell ME to be grateful for my kids! I am NOT grateful for this day, and certainly don’t appreciate YOU trying to give me a little encouragement along the way!”
Do I think I’m a better parent because I don’t agree with this message? Nope. I just really know what I have to be thankful for at the end of each day, no matter how much I can’t wait for their bedtime to arrive some days!
After I had my first child I was exhausted and thought I knew it all. I have always watched children and when my son became colicy I was upset that that was happening to me. One day, during his screaming fit, I pictured tossing him out the window and thought to myself “how can all these older people say to enjoy every moment, it goes fast. HOw can I possibly enjoy this? I can’t wait until he’s older'” It was then that I thought that I need to change my ways so I can enjoy my screaming child. Well thanks to people like you I changed what I was doing and I spent my screaming hours dancing cheek to cheek with my son. This was life changing for both of us because that was what made me listen to my son. He WAS is pain and I needed to stop and figure out what was hurting him. I stopped listening to the Dr. and kept going to his office to find out why my son was in pain. I didn’t buy into the old…He’s colicy. The Dr. finally put my son on meds for reflux, which helped, and I began to read up on GERD and eight years later my son eats a healthy diet void of corn, wheat, dairy, bananas, chocolate and soy. The crying stopped and to this day I enjoy every moment I spend with my boys. When I have bad moments, as we all do, I remind myself that life is to short and I need to live in the moment. Thanks to people like you my family is a stronger family and more in tune with each other because we remember the importance of living in the moment.
Katy-
My son didn’t sleep for 3 years because of similar food issues. I was so flustered and so exhausted. ANd I had to figure it out myself too, without help from doctors. i think no one can really understand someone else’s truth, because they have not been in those shoes. But we can show empathy instead of judgement.
THANK YOU FOR THIS!!!!! This honestly made my whole day. MAY GOD BLESS YOU!
Love this post. Love this blog. I have spent the past hour reading many of your other posts because you just get it. You say exactly what so many of us other moms feel at times but are too guilty to say. The 4-7pm “witching hour”? The free daycare maximum time limit? The “removable pads” tag left on the workout shirt? You make me feel sane while cracking me up at the same time. You also make me realize that I’m not totally crazy for wanting to add a 4th kid when our current three are driving me up the wall!
You are going on my “favorites” tab.
It really resonated with me and think you’ll all feel the same. As a mom who works fulltime, I often feel guilty when I have impatient, “low quality” moments with my kids. Tonight was no exception so I couldn’t have read this at a better time! I can’t thank you enough!
thank you! this post is so beautiful. i have always loved the concept of kairos and chronos…. but thinking of it as i parent each day through the drudgery is such a good reminder. i often feel so guilty about not enjoying every moment….. and that my favourite time of day is also when my kids are in bed! so glad to know i’m not alone (clearly by all the comments above too). so thank you for writing this. love it all.
What a bunch of Oprah watching dorks!
Bukowski? Make sure you’ve read the lyrics to the Modest Mouse song “Bukowski:
I love that. It is exactly that. Not every moment is easy, nor is it always enjoyable, but there are those moments that make it all worth it. I have four,and I know where you are coming from. I dearly love my kids and my husband, but like you said, it is difficult to enjoy every moment, especially with messy house, messy car, screaming kids, dirty diapers, and a husband that is gone at work all the time. I think you pegged it right. But sometimes we just have to nod at those old ladies, and just put on a smile and remember that they came from a whole-nother time frame, and frames of mind. 😉 You keep on “Carpe’n a couple of those Kairoses a day.” You deserve it. 🙂
Thank you THANK YOU!! I am a sappy mama with my hand over my heart…and also a mama with my hands pulling my children off of each other as they play wrestle in the check out line at Kohls. I love being a mom but you nailed it on the head with I love HAVING parented many days. Thank you for making me and so many others feel normal and ok! I love all three of my sweet girls and would not trade my experiences for anything…and will relish my empty nest life the second it comes around. Ha!
I love this post and it really resonated with me. Thank you!
beautifully written. thank you!
I know you’ve gotten like 700 comments, but here’s one more. So amazing. Thank you thank you thank you for posting this.
Thank you for being so honest! I am a navy wife whose husband is usually gone for months at a time, my kids are now in the sassy stage, my dog just ate my computer mouse … you get me. I like to tell other navy wives “coming up” behind me to “embrace the suckiness.” Acknowledge how very hard things can be, wallow in it for a while if you like, and then move on to enjoy whatever blessing come your way each day. Thank you again for your honesty!
No one is saying to seize each moment. They’re simply saying to make sure you enjoy the time you have with your kids. I am constantly telling kids to enjoy every moment that they are in college. Of course they won’t enjoy every single moment. They won’t like the studying, the tests, the relationship ordeals, etc… When I look back at my time in school (as a biology major), I don’t have recollections of the tough times. I remember the fun and exciting times. Thankfully I had 2 older brothers reminding me to enjoy my college years as much as possible before I entered the “real world”. They didn’t say to seize each moment (why seize the moment while taking a Microbiology test?). We selectively remember the things that bring us joy and forget the things that brought us stress or sadness. That’s all these women who have been through child rearing themselves are saying. Of course they had tough times. People who pass on that advice, though, enjoyed the process, and only want you to do the same. It’s the people who say, “you’ll really hate it when they become teenagers” who haven’t learned to enjoy the process. Unfortunately those people will only remember how tough it was, and they will forget the times of joy. So I say, enjoy every minute. The time goes by so fast!
You began your post with “no one’s telling you to enjoy every moment” and then ended your post with “enjoy every moment”
I love this! So true! And I think I am a great mom, despite my weak moments of not enjoying my kids, or when my voice gets too loud!
As far as the old woman…everyone in life has a different experience, a different purpose in this lifetime. I am happy for them if they really enjoyed every moment! But- it could also be the phenomenon of what they say about giving birth…you forget how much it hurts after awhile…
Bless you! I am a mom of 4(2 are teenagers and 2 are toddlers) I get told that same thing and usually when one of my little ones are causing some kind of scene! I have wanted to reply by saying PROMISE? promise it will go by fast? how fast? because right now it feels as slow as molasses on a winters day 🙂
I love your future response to moms of small children! I am going to steal your response if you don’t mind.
carry on my warrior mommy carry one.
Joy
My wife wanted me to read this, so I did. Very insightful and a practical truth. In everything we do any moment can be great but not every moment.
This is my first time here, and for the moment it took me to read this post I say Kairos
Your insight has obviously resonated with an incredible number of people, and I really appreciated your honesty and perspective. Thank you!
And for those judgemental, arrogant busybodies providing their worldly insight as self-proclaimed demi-deities, mind your own bloody business. The author is the owner of her own body and mind, does not live her life based on your opinion, and has every right to determine and choose what is best for her, her family, and her community. Take your ‘advice’ (don’t kid yourself, it is obviously unwanted) and kindly stow it elsewhere.
Thank you for this. The kindest parenting tidbit ever given me was quite the exerience (and a rarity, I’m sure). With a 3 week old baby and a 23 month old toddler in tow, I had to get myself into the lab at the hospital for presurgical bloodwork. Apparently, the fact that I was a sick (and very, very tired) cookie showed, and an octogenarian bystander took pity on me. She looked me right in the face and said, “I’ll bet people are telling you these are the best days of your life. Don’t worry, they’re not.” Kindest, most welcome words ever spoken to me. That, that was a moment of Kairos for me. I’ll never forget it!
My mom once wiped my teenage tears and told me the same thing. I was so relieved! I also think we could use some candid discussion on the first years of marriage, actually all the years of marriage! 🙂
I so agree! Those first…5 or so…and all the years after, are complicated each for their very own reasons. Midway through year 8 we have a good balance, but that could NOT have been said midway through basically any other year!! It cannot all be good, it will not all be good, but what is good–will be great beyond comprehending.
As a mother of 11 kidlets, I LOVED this post! It is hard work, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I relish the challenge of each day, as well as those beautiful moments. And I love bedtime too, hehe.
To the person who didn’t have the guts to publish their name, who grew up as 1 of 3, I just have something small for you to think about:
Yes God calls us to look after the orphans and the widows, He also loves to bless us with our own children. Nowhere in the Bible does it say, pick one or the other. I believe we should be happy to accept God’s gifts AND help those around us who need support or financial help.
You spoke it exactly. I whirl around in those women’s grocery store comments in the fact of such quick growth, such fast (and slow) time passing. Thanks for naming it all and giving ground. lulupatina.blogspot.com
Thank you so much for your honesty, this post touched my heart and inspired me in so many ways. Thank you for reminding me what the successes are. I loved this line—->
“I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.” – This is mine too. And this one made me cry…(out loud!)——->”And suddenly I notice the piles and piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.” This was fabulous, thank you for reminding me of how lucky I am too.
Love, Misty
I love the idea of Kairos time – Greek for the supreme moment. Being where we are right now. Being present, knowing we are being present and appreciating the essence of that span of time. The core of gratitude. Once in a while, I remember to write down the Kairos when they come along and I am thankful I have done that.
I love being a mom. I love those moments when I am reminded I am on a journey that will make me more than who I am at this moment. We learn, we teach, we grow from each other. Balance is not a destination, it is a moving continuum I adjust to. I remember when a time-out resulted in a profound learning. For me. I needed it to sort through the best way to handle a situation and create a teachable moment for this beautiful child, even though I was the one who was taught the most.
It is beautiful, it is hard, is fun, it’s complicated, it hurts sometimes.
But you know, I would not trade a minute of it for anything. Thanks for sharing your story and your perspective. It is beautiful.
Your post got me to the core. I am a mom of 2 very energetic, crazy boys (1 & 3) and I have been praying that we would be blessed with a third. I work part time from home and although I love my job, working from home often means that is am only half working and half parenting. I am stressed, tired, often overwhelmed, and feel like I am failing at both mommy hood and my job which causes me to question my feeling like God is calling me to have a third child. but your post reminds me that it is all right. I don’t have to like every chaotic minute, like when my 3 year old rubs Vaseline in his hair or when my 1 year old tries to swing from the kitchen light, but I can love being a mommy anyway and one day I will probably block out all the really hard stuff and only remember the kairos moments. Thanks for the reminder.
🙂
I love how you kept it real! Keep on warrior mom! You’re doing a hellavu good job!
[…] repeat mantras in my head like “this too shall pass” a *lot*. I read things like Don’t Carpe Diem from momastery and take solace in the friends who also have “spirited” children and get […]
wow. what an amazing post! just perfect. I had 3 babies in 2 1/2 years – no twins, although I got asked that often… (fortunately my oldest was potty-trained before #3 came along!) I don’t miss the challenge it was to leave crying babies to go to work and then taking them home by myself because my husband didn’t get home till ater 10. I don’t miss their toddler years at all – it was hard! My marriage was strained, my mental state was surely unstable, and now that the kids are 10, 11 and 13… I am so glad! and I don’t miss it.. some tender, sweet moments – YES, but not most of it!
AND when they were 5, 6, and 7 we decided to add #4. and I have loved (most of) it! she is such a wonderful blessing (most of the time!) 4 kids is perfect for our family. just glad that there are 3 others that are so loving and helpful … and old enough to babysit so that my husband and I can enjoy date-night each week!!!
That is good to hear, because I think I will feel the same way. I have an 8, 6, 5, 3 and our last coming next month and it has been a ton of work, rewarding but fricking hard and I cringe when I hear that, “enjoy it now” and I think to myself, I don’t think I am going to miss all the hard stuff that comes with the younger years. I am a social worker and my specialty is teenagers so I keep thinking it might be easier as they get older, but who knows, I have pretty much been wrong all the way around as to what might be hard and what might be easier, I just don’t think I will be crying all the time yearning for the younger years.
wonderful, honest, true post. I am a mom of two boys age 8 months and 29months and identified with your words so much! I would love to do just what you said when I am the older mom too. Also, you have a beautiful family!
Read this from a friend who posted it on fb. As a mom of 4 (7-18), I don’t think I’ve EVER read an article that managed to articulate what you have in this post.
Bravo!!!!!!!!!!
🙂
Kelly
Ah yes, the old ladies telling you to be happy! I am happy, I worked my butt off to have twins, but being told all the time to be happy can be annoying, so I get it.
But, even in the exhaustion, I do love love love being a parent, and while exhausted, I don’t find it to be anywhere close to the hardest thing I did, that was being infertile.
I totally agree! The original poster hit the nail on the head that we can’t seize each moment; we have to live it! And although motherhood is hard, each day hard, decisions hard, tiring hard, infertility was harder/different hard. It was like grief: every needle stick, every pill, every drs appointment, every baby you saw or notice you got from a new friend that they were pregnant, hard. I am so happy that you and I were lucky enough to be blessed with twins after such a journey. And yes, twins ARE HARD too. But it beats a needle in the ass everyday of the week and twice on Sunday.
So, so true! My twin girls just turned 18, and I don’t know where the time has gone. All those years of infertility treatments, month after month, year after year of disappointment — and then the miracle of 2 beautiful little girls! And then…..the realization that it was going to be REALLY, REALLY HARD! I have never been so tired, so frazzled, or felt so inadequate in my entire life. But here we are. They leave in the fall for college, and I can’t imagine life without my girls. When they are little the days seem endless. Some days you would never want to repeat. But knowing those days are ending skewers my soul — I want to go back and do it again! Truth is — it IS hard. Some days it is excruciating. But it is so worth it in the end. You forget the hell days and remember and cherish the good and the funny. I’m really looking forward to being a grandmother so I can tell my girls to relax — go to Target alone — I’ll take care of that crying baby. Second time around, perspective will let me enjoy the experience. Raising my girls is the best — and the most difficult — thing I’ve ever done, and I am so grateful to have had that opportunity.
Amen.
I have a full-time job and a five-month-old, and since returning to work, I’ve been driving myself insane about carpeing my diems. This made me feel so much better! I think it’ll be easier to enjoy my time with my boy when I’m not feeling compelled to do so!
you rock you are so RIGHT andthanks being being honest, we have to be honest and support one another, I wd pay for your groceries and delievr them to your van! keep trudging up this mtn and thanks for reminding us we are doing great just by enjoying a few kairos moments each day, phew, thanks for making me feel less like a failure and less guilty for sighing at my kids and looking at the clock waiting for naptime….
I am so glad I came across your blog post this evening, I really needed to hear that another Mom felt the same way as me. I was wondering the other day if I just wasn’t Mom material, because I don’t enjoy every minute of every day with my one year old daughter. I look at other Mom’s with 3 or 4 kids, and they somehow manage to do it all, and have a big grin on their face. I figured they were “Mom” people and I wasn’t. And as crazy as it sounds, I want 2 or 3 more kids as well. haha I wouldn’t trade my Mom status for anything, my daughter brings sooooo much joy to my life…. many Kairos moments. I am glad to hear someone else say that those moments are what really count. I think they are the ones we look back on and remember the most.
Thank you again for sharing, and God bless.
[…] one of those days recently. Then, via Facebook, I received links to two different blogs – the Momastery and Team Studer and their respective posts about how parenting is a lot climbing Mount Everest and […]
Thank you! I loved this! I laughed so hard. I agreed so many times. I feel Ike you read my mind. This is amazing.
I love you.
Wow…this is great! I couldn’t have said it better myself! We are all just doing the best we can (and trying to survive while doing it!) =)
My kids are 21, 19, 17, and 14, and they are the joy of my life. When they were little, they were the sweat streaming down my back. Those years are a blur, so whether I enjoyed them or not is irrelevant–the kids laugh about their younger years and enjoy their present lives. So, they grew up in spite of my husband and me!
I know many people have commented this same thing, but thank you. Thank you for helping me not feel so bad when I don’t like my days! All I ever wanted to do was have four kids and be blessed enough to stay home and take care of them, and right now I am lucky enough to do that. (No, not everyone needs to do this, but it is what I needed to do.) The thing is, I never knew how hard it would be!! I have many, many wonderful moments and wouldn’t trade my life for the world. But there are just as many moments that I hope I forget very soon! You have a beautiful family!
I am the crazy mom with four beautiful girls right now and our fifth possible also sixth on it’s way. Yes seizing the day doesn’t work all the time. But I love finding the moment and the little joys. They are truly what make it worth it. I love my kids just don’t always love the way they act. Thank you for being honest and true for yourself and every other parent who had felt that way but been afraid to say so thinking that there was something wrong if the truly felt that way.
Someone posted above concerning your desire to have more children, and I have to say I agree with them, since I am one of three myself–it is A LOT. Not just for a mom to handle, but for our planet. Don’t you want to teach your children to take care of and be responsible for the planet on which we live? That we should take care of the gifts God has given us, the Earth?
Four children is overwhelming. With all there is to get “done”, are you really enjoying the precious time you have with them as much as you can, or would you be too busy going through the motions of daily life?
If more children is really something you want, try foster care or adoption. After all, God told us to look after “the orphans and widows”. Not to mention what a lesson it would teach your children about following God’s word as well about love for your fellow man and not just the ones you are blood related to–you don’t need to have the same genes to be a family.
Her desire for another child is for an adopted one, they have been trying to for years, & helping others adopt (not to mention funding whole orphanages) along their journey. You should probably read a little more here before being so judgy.
Judgmental much?
We have 5 children of our own. We are very earth conscious and are teaching our children to take care of the earth. When someone, such as this writer, has a personal relationship with God, I will trust God to tell them how many children they should have or if they should think about adoption. Just because adoption is a good thing doesn’t mean that someone is wrong to have many biological children. There are many hard days being the mother of 5, but there are many blessings and gifts that come from a bigger family. I grew up in a family of 7 kids…so I know!
As the fourth of four children, I’m horrified by your response, “Anonymous.” Four children may be overwhelming for you. It certainly wasn’t for my family. And it isn’t necessarily overwhelming for many families. And even if it is overwhelming for some, that doesn’t lessen the love and bond they all share together. So quit trying to diminish her desire for another child or convince her otherwise.
If my mom and dad stopped at three, their world, my husband’s world and my friends’ worlds, would all be drastically different. And that would be sad. You know why? Because I’m pretty freakin’ awesome. And just because I’m the “fourth, overwhelming one” doesn’t make me any less of a person.
Knowing nothing about this woman, you have absolutely ZERO ground to chime in on whether or not she should have a fourth child…and should she want to care for another child, try to convince her that she should foster or adopt. Those are all highly personal decisions.
I hope you realize just how rude and offensive your commentary truly is. God wants us to live our lives in a positive way and build our families out of love [no matter how they come to be…fourth child or adopted or fostered].
I have to honestly say that when I had 3 children under 5, and severe PPD, I thought “wow, I must have been crazy to think I wanted a large family!” And it took a good few years for me to fully put my life back into God’s hands and trust Him with my family size. Now I can NOT imagine my life without my #4. I am SO blessed by her sweet & precious life! She brings a smile to my face each and every day! I also can’t imagine my life without my #5. He is a very active 2 year old boy, but without him I would never have known that my husband & I, with 4 brown-eyed children, and both having brown eyes ourselves, could have a baby with the most beautiful blue eyes. And I can not wait to meet my #6, due any day now! My children are not and never will be perfect, but who is? But I can promise you this, they are a true fulfillment of God’s Word that children are a blessing, an inheritance, a gift from Him, not only in my life, but also in the lives of others!
I don’t see it as rude at all–I’m saying what people don’t want to hear, and that’s why they are offended. Having children is a privilege, not a right, and most people don’t seem to understand that. That is why my husband and I stopped having children after our beautiful second child was born four years ago. We are blessed to be able to show our kids so much individual attention and connect with them daily, which would not be as possible if we had four or five. And, if in the future, we would like our family to grow, we will adopt–and from the United States, where children wishing for a forever home are right nearby. Apparently people seem to forget that there are countless children in orphanages and foster homes right here in the U.S., but I guess that isn’t as much fun for them as a child from a foreign country.
And unlike most people, we planned for AFTER the “fun” stage, for when they are older, specifically, young adults in need of college educations and looking for jobs. We know it will be difficult, because life is getting more and more expensive and good jobs are more and more rare. Get off your suburban high horse, and start looking forward to your kids moving back home after college because there’s no work and you have to support them again. Five or six suddenly seems like a big number again, doesn’t it?
Then why even bother having children of your own in the first place? What you’re implying is that we shouldn’t go around and want children of our own flesh and blood, but rather take in those children that others are incapable of caring for. Seems a bit ridiculous, oh righteous anonymous.
Simply stated, adoption and fostering aren’t for everyone. Some women have this driving desire and need for their own children. And that’s okay. Just as it’s okay to want to have a large family that is like the United Colors of Benneton with a different child for every other country. There is no right and wrong…so stop forcing the issue and coming off like the pompous dingbat that you are.
Everyone’s entitled to their own opinions. But when you get all preachy and judgmental, others are obviously going to step up to the plate to be the first in line to smack some sense into your silly little head.
One of my favorite sayings is “it is far better to shut your mouth and come off like an idiot than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.” Hopefully you’ll stop digging yourself in this silly little hole of yours.
Why do you feel the need to counsel her on her reproductive choices? None of your business. Additionally, your comment on enjoying the precious time and not going through the daily motions is the exact type of comment the entire post is about…did you read it? I loved this post and strongly dislike your comment.
Oh my goodness gracious, did you read the post above? Please tell me that you have yet to be blessed with children because these pie-in-the-sky ideas about parenting are exactly the things that people say before having children. Trust me, I was one of them. Also, adoption and foster parenting aren’t like running to the store to “pick up” a child. It is a life altering event in a family that must be taken into deep consideration just as having a biological child is. Please give us mothers a break – we’re doing the best that we can to teach our children to love God, the planet, others, animals, not to pick their nose in public, to say please and thank you and to stop picking the vegetables out of the casserole.
Wow, this is a incredibly rude comment. We live in a free country and it is nobody’s decision but our own how many children we choose to have! While 3 kids may be a lot for you that doesnt mean that 3 kids is a lot for everyone. And if you really want to bring God into it He tells us to go forth and multiply. Also, if you believe in God you need to believe that He has a master plan and although we need to be good stewards with what he has blessed us with He will bring the world to an end before we overpopulate it and go extinct.
If you think that God will “bring the world to an end before we overpopulate it”, you are insane. The world already IS overpopulated. Good luck to your kids on finding jobs in this world!
Did you even read the blog?! Adoption and foster care are beautiful things but they are not for everyone. Further, having a fourth child does not indicate environmental irresponsibility. What a judgmental commentary!
I have four children, and I have to say, that with each child I learn to love them even more, because as each child grows, the more they learn to love and care for each other. They learn how to share, they learn how to care for one another, they learn empathy for one another. I actually think that it is easier to have four kids then it is to have one. I also believe that having siblings actually sweetens them, and gives them little experiences of how to act in the real world. I myself come from a family of 10 kids, and although it was rough at times growing up, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I love my brothers and sisters, and my parents, and am grateful for the experiences that I had growing up. My parents, and brothers and sisters, ( Yes my brothers and sisters too, I find you learn faster when you have awesome brothers and sisters to look up to) have taught me how to become an upstanding member of society. We care about the environment, and we care about people. What this mother and her family choose to do, is up to them, and I believe they will be blessed 10x’s over because of it, because kids bring lots of blessings into the world. It may be chaotic, but it can also be lots of fun.
I have to honestly say that when I had 3 children under 5, and severe PPD, I thought “wow, I must have been crazy to think I wanted a large family!” And it took a good few years for me to fully put my life back into God’s hands and trust Him with my family size. Now I can NOT imagine my life without my #4. I am SO blessed by her sweet & precious life! She brings a smile to my face each and every day! I also can’t imagine my life without my #5. He is a very active 2 year old boy, but without him I would never have known that my husband & I, with 4 brown-eyed children, and both having brown eyes ourselves, could have a baby with the most beautiful blue eyes. And I can not wait to meet my #6, due any day now! My children are not and never will be perfect, but who is? But I can promise you this, they are a true fulfillment of God’s Word that children are a blessing, an inheritance, a gift from Him, not only in my life, but also in the lives of others!
Amazing way to put this experience! I only have one little man to take care of, but sometimes he feels like a lot more 😉 I want to print this post out and put it on my fridge because it just encapsulates how I feel about being a mommy – thank you!!
G,
This is my first time reading your blog. i <3 it. My sweet busy mama friend of 3 posted this on FB. I am sitting here, enjoying and relating to every word, and the suddenly such positivity turns into negativity for no reason. I know I cannot tackle the worlds bitterness, but your piece was so heartwarming, and something I needed to read.
I'll be honest and say, I have been a really great mom, but I also developed a mental illness after my first child, after a second, even tho ( i'm not sure what category times it was) we're awesome, my mental balance was off. I actually ended up with an overdose, in a coma, and walked out with nothing but gratitude to see another day, to have another hug, another dirty diaper.
My husband and I have been thru good and bad, We've always cherished out little ones. There is that year I missed being some medicated and in and out of re habs and hospital I regret I can never get back, they were one and 3.
But the are 2 and 4 now, and life is still going on. There is still love to be had, and I appreciate what you wrote. Now I just wish people wouldn't nit pick on your grocery tab, or your ability to be at home. Ladies and gents, most of us can..and how I do it is by nixing entertainment, buying clearance, bogo and couponing, having one car, and doing the fun free stuff that means the most like the park, and church, or driving and looking at Christmas lights.
I think G is appreciative, angelic, realistic, and deserves a round of applause.
Thank you for what you wrote 🙂
and by positivity to negativity i meant the readers comments*
Thank you so much! I am a single mom with 2 little ones and trying to manage fibromyalgia. I see things kind of the same way… also told I’m negative by a great many people for being REAL. I think being aware of how tough some moments are makes you cherish the nice moments even more. 🙂
I love this so much. My due date was two days ago and I feel like I have spent the past 9 months listening to others talk about how much they LOVED being pregnant. Seriously? No, you loved having been pregnant! This? This is not fun. Of course I am enjoying the last few moments alone with my husband – quality time where we are both anxious, excited, and ready. And I am sure he loves it too – I am swollen, crabby, and huge. Carpe diem!
An amazing post! You captured the joy and the pain of being a mother. I am blessed to have 4 children and 11 grandchildren. I was once told that I enjoyed my children more than anybody else they knew, but I’ll never forget the torture that accompanied having two babies not get their naps out five days a week because I had to wake them up to pick up their siblings from school. Looking back over my shortcomings and at where my children are now, I can testify that the Lord is gracious and faithful. He can take our fumbling efforts and fill in the gaps. It’s hard being a parent, but the rewards are great. Hang in there, moms, and may the Lord bless you with kairos moments.
That was beautiful. Thanks.
BTW, I read a quote somewhere along the line that gave me the perspective I couldn’t quite articulate. “The days are long but the years are short.” Every birthday, milestone, achievement, I think “how did this go so fast?” but each day I have to gird my loins for the 4 pm to 7 pm drama club that just sucks the life out of me. I think that quote at those times.
Thanks again.
LOVE that quote! It is amazingly true! My oldest leaves for college in just 18 months…and it seems like she was just my little girl not that long ago.
I am not a mother (yet), but I am a Kindergarten teacher. I must say, this post so closely parallels my feelings as a teacher! Being a (good) teacher is HARD! And teaching twenty 5 and 6 year olds is in a class all on its own (no pun intended). Not only are we trying to keep up with the ever-increasing academic demands, be we also have an increasing number of students who come to school socially and emotionally unprepared and are trying to catch them up in that aspect as well! WHEW! While I am sure it sounds like I’m complaining, I actually really love my job. My minute-to-minute moments are filled with “Why can’t you be quiet?” and “How long til 3 ‘o clock?”. But I do get to experience those Kairos moments when a non-English speaker whos never been to school finally knows the letters in their name! That makes my job worth while.
So, thank you, for sharing your honest feelings and helping others like you feel okay with having those feelings as well.
p.s. As I type this, I am recalling a Chronos moment I had today when it took 30 minutes for all my students to put their folders in the basket after hanging up their backpacks…a routine we have had since September–and one that should only take about 5 minutes. THEN a Kairos moment came to mind as one of my struggling students (who went to Preschool, but still knew only 5 letters in September) was able to identify 20 letters during small group!!! Kairos!
This was so incredible!! You’ve touched many people today!
U said it just right!
It’s as if you took the thoughts out of my mind and put them down in a more eloquent way than I could have dreamed of. I’d never trade the amazing experience of being a mom, but I will admit that it’s exhausting, more exhausting than I could have ever imagined. But in those rare, clarifying moments I realize just how amazing it is and how fortunate I am. Fortunate, and tired.
wow. it was amazing how long it took me to scroll down to the comment box ;o) but i persevered because i wanted to say that this is the best blog post i’ve read in a LONG time. Thank you.
YES. Just. yes. Oh The sheer brilliance of this. Warrior. YOU.
[…] 2011 Lesson #2: Don’t Carpe Diem, Momastery don’t miss this post, it will strike you though the heart and leave you changed. Carpe Kairos moments, indeed! […]
[…] Anyone ever tell you to enjoy every moment? Uh-huh. You need this. ~ Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day. […]
You make some excellent points in this article and put some reality back into the daily hard work of motherhood.
But I have an additional thought. As a woman in her 60’s who knows lots of other women in their 60’s, I wonder if the reason you are told to enjoy your life now is because your children still think you are wonderful. They not only need you, they respect you and love you deeply. I know so many moms who gave motherhood their best only to be treated like nobodies and nuisances by their adult children. Perhaps those women are looking back and wishing they’d enjoyed the time when their children appreciated who they were and were grateful for what they did.
great food for thought…
My friend sent me to your blog and honey, I couldn’t agree with you more! I am the mother of 2 little ones, ages 6 and 3, boy and girl (respectively) and there are some days when I think “Won’t this ever end???” I really feel that most mom’s have these moments most days and those who say they literally “enjoy every moment of parenting” must have something we don’t.. a child who never does anything! LOL Or else they have forgotten those moments called toddler hood and preschool! Hang in there momma! We need to all have each other’s backs, admit that it’s hard, and support one another. We’re not failing. We’re not bad. We were just given a mighty hand from God and we’re playing it the best we can! 🙂
Love it. I though sometimes I was alone on this parenting chaos. The truth is that at the end of the day no matter how many bad moments I had, there have been some kairos that bring a smile to my face, and said thank you God for my children. The most precious gift of all.
Loved this! I shed a tear because as a mother of three girls, it is true. It’s hard and I feel guilty if I am not enjoying every second. It is hard to when you have 3 young little ones (one of who is profoundly deaf wearing cochlear implants and is 21 months old). I have counted my blessings for sure being that she could have been taken from me at 2 days old. I get that. I have been there. I look at all of them with smiles and comment on their beauty. The two oldest look at me sometimes and let out the “bad mama.” It’s all good, but sometimes it is just plain difficult. Each day I try to spend some time with each one. I give hugs and kisses.
THANK YOU! I needed that today badly. I like to tell myself “Children are a blessing” and just repeat that thinking I’ve gotta be missing something. What is it that I’m missing?! Thank you though for the honesty. It’s really nice to know that it’s not so wrong to admit that I CANNOT wait until the kids are in bed.
Please write a book with your insights; mom’s of young kids need your humor, insights and Kairos. I am a writer and an intuitive; you have a book inside you and you must give birth to it (along with a 4th child if you choose). Many blessings
I love this. Thank you for sharing your heart and I am in total agreeance. It has been hard being a new mom. My son’s first two weeks I looked like a train wreck and was adjusting and people kept saying… make sure you enjoy every moment. I wanted to say “yea, I enjoy being sleep deprived and sore from delivery, every moment.” This is true. Thanks for the reminder! Its finding the little moments God gives us and enjoying those!
littlelionmama.blogspot.com
Thank you thank you thank you!!! This summarizes my emotions exactly! We have two babies who are 9 months a part. We want to have 6 kids if God gives them to us. We are constantly being told to enjoy every moment AND that we are crazy to want more. I do enjoy the moments with my wonderful little guys. I do cherish every moment with them. But I can’t admit that I am happy to be IN every moment. When the boys are screaming and I am hungry and tired, I don’t want to be there in that moment. When my boys are not listening and running all over the place and misbehaving, I am not enjoying the moment. BUT I am grateful to have the moment. I am grateful for the blessings that my kids bring. Thank you for putting this into words so eloquently!
It’s like you were peering in my window and seeing my life. Well kind of, I wasn’t blessed with 3 kids as you were but I do have one and sometimes Seizing the day is not an option. I do get a lot of those reflecting moments though. My son was our one blessing so every day I make sure to just look at him in wonderment and I still can’t believe I gave birth to him.
Thank you so much for writing this and I hope all my friends enjoy it as much as I did.
I actually am one of those mommies that loves every moment with my little man, but I was 30 when I had him and I think that makes a difference. I can’t imagine how different of a mom I would have been at 20 or 25.
But the fact is, it doesn’t matter whether you love every moment, or just have some beautiful moments that shine through…it’s the experience…and sharing the experience that matters! If more mommies would open up, accept, and love one another…then we could go through life not feeling so alone, confused, worried…are we doing this right?
I’d imagine that at times your blog could be hard to swallow for some moms, but I’d also bet that it’s that hard dose of reality, of bare thought and feeling, that has carried another mom through…the exact same words received two different ways.
I love what you’re doing with this blog. I read it for the first time today, and I promise I’ll be back. Keep being you…it’s the best gift you have to give!
LOVE THIS. Thank you SO much!! You described me perfectly. Rock on, sister – we are BOTH good moms, and totally normal for wanting to add a fourth to the (crazy) three we already have! Did I mention that I LOVE THIS? God bless. =)
I certainly don’t want to come off as cold or bitchy, but I do want to say, you already have three beautiful kids in a world that is overpopulated. Why don’t you enjoy them and not add any more? Look into human population dynamics for yourself with an open mind.
This is a moronic and pedantic statement. She writes a beautiful blog and you lead off with a hypocritical sentence. You’re not being cold or bitchy, just ignorant to her point.
P.S. this is a dude who never reads blogs, but my wife (who wants a 4th child) really wanted me to read it. Our life is pure chaos and I couldn’t agree with her post more. Absolutely great insight!
Saying “I certainly don’t want to come off as cold or bitchy” does not prevent you from being cold and bitchy. Since when is it any of your business? I don’t recall her asking you for reproductive advice.
Seriously?! That is all you have to say? Personally, I think the world needs more children born to educated, intelligent mothers and fathers. Someone has to pull us out of the nasty direction we are going. Maybe you should thank her for bringing into existence the children who will some day be paying your social security.
Social security will be obsolete after the Baby Boomers, if not sooner. Why lash back on someone making a valid point? Our planet IS overpopulated. It cannot support all these people. That is a fact. You and your children may not be affected now by the lack of resources, but as this rapid overpopulation continues, you certainly will be. At least someone here is thinking about reproducing responsibly–just because you CAN have children doesn’t mean you should!
I agree that just because you CAN have children, doesn’t mean that you SHOULD. BUT that is a divine decision that CAN only be made by the Creator of human life and SHOULD only be made by two married adults.
talk about missing the point…
Saraha,
Spend some time reading her blog and you’ll learn she has been trying desperately and, sadly, unsuccessfully to adopt from (I believe) Africa.
Negativity lady…not welcomed here!
ARE. YOU. SERIOUS??? Yes, this world is overpopulated with irresponsible people who have children outside of marriage and then pawn them off on the government or daycare or grandparents or our derelict society to raise, which usually just continues the overpopulation of irresponsible people, and the cycle continues as history can attest to. HOWEVER, this world NEEDS MORE CHILDREN that are raised to be God-fearing, responsible members of society, by responsible parents who treasure and love their children, even when the going gets rough!
No worries. While you didn’t *want* to come off as cold and bitchy, you absolutely did. Congratulations. So glad you ate your bowl of sunshine for breakfast, thundercloud.
If you want stricter rules on population and government regulation on the number of children you can have, there’s a certain country in Asia that I’m sure will be more than happy to take you in.
I recently read an interesting article in the readers digest about the earth’s population, and did you know that it is actually dropping? It seems that the more educated and “advanced” areas in the world are choosing not to populate as much, but it also said that the third world countries, and the not so educated or “advanced” areas of this world are populating. There are even countries that are paying parents to have kids, because their population has dropped so much. I say, we need more parents who are willing to raise educated kids with good social integrity. This seems to be one of those families. A friend of mine made a joke that one day all of the educated and socially moral people will one day die off, by not having kids, and the non educated, and socially immoral people will over take them. Does this sound right?
Now get off of this “save the planet by having fewer kids.” horse and look at reality. We need a generation of kids raised my good parents who are willing to teach them how to become upstanding members of society. This sounds like a wonderful family with lots of love and ready to raise some awesome kids. I would like to cheer them on!!!
In the spirit of this amazingly inclusive blog…”We’re all welcome at the table…everybody’s in, baby.” Which I find so very hard to do in the real world.
I welcome you and offer you a place at the table, Saraha and I am glad you are interested and passionate about this planet we share.
But, be kind and be careful.
All of us should be….kind and careful.
We are fragile. And we care very much, too.
Oh my goodness was this a great post. Thank you for saying what we’re all thinking!!
You know sometimes I think it comes down to trying to believe the best about what the other person is really saying to you. Can you tell if someone is really sincere or are they just trying to patronize you. I would hate to bite the head off a sweat older lady who is trying to encourage me just because she did not say it in just the right way! We have all said things we wished we would have said better. I know sometimes I get intimidated to say things to people for fear of saying the wrong thing! I try to say the right things so I pray others can see the through all the jumbled words to hope and encouragement you try and bring to others and that even if it is said wrong they will still think the best.
Well done…. I am an old lady now and thank God, I have never insulted a young mom, but will try and remember to do the “pay for the groceries” idea…. It is great to experience Kairos moments, but even better to cause them!
I’m not a mom yet but I hope to be one day really soon. And i can’t tell you how much this post means to somebody that’s already worried about enjoying all the moments and being that perfect mom. Thank you for bringing the right reality to being a mom. Bless you!
Thank you for writing what SOME of us feel but are afraid to articulate. Mine is grown now but I remember a person at church once asked if I ever wondered what i did before the blessed event. I loved (and still do) my daughter with my whole being, but I honestly replied “no. I know what I did: I mowed the grass when I wanted to; I rode my horse without hiring a sitter, I hung the laundry out;” and on and on… she was horrified, and I think she kept a close eye on me after that. it’s such a wonderful part of life, but the joy we experience as our children grow independent is the fun part. I have loved each and every transition, but I don’t miss the past!
I’ve had people say the same thing to me, including my husband. YES! I DO remember what I did before we had a kid! I had a lot of fun! I got to go to yoga classes, belly dancing classes, ride a motorcycle, earn a paycheck, go out with friends, pee by myself… I absolutely love my son and wouldn’t trade him for the world, but I had a life before him, have a different life now, and will have a different life again when he is grown. I think that sometimes the people that ask that question didn’t have a a life before kids. I’ve always kept myself busy. My husband thinks that going to work and then coming home to play video games is “living.” *sigh* Ok, I’ll stop now. I love my son. 🙂
My youngest just turned 18, but I vividly remember those hectic days. My favorite quote about motherhood goes something like this. “The years fly by, the older mothers tell the younger mothers. Yes, the years fly by, but a mother can choke on a day!”
Wow. I’m not sure how to express to you what I am feeling right now. This resonated with me to my very core! I am in this hard, struggling place, with a stressful job taking up way too much time and forcing me to really focus on balancing my life more than I have ever had to do before. I have to fight to relax (not easy to fight and relax at the same time, like I said, it’s a stuggle). I try hard to just BE with my kids… To be focused enough to realize she has a sucker in mouth at all, much less recognize it was not one I gave her kind-of-a-thing. Now that might be a stretching it a but, but you know what I mean. I’m so scared I will be that woman who wishes she could have it all back to do over again – only better. I have those moments when I look at one or both of my girls and see their daddy and my breathe catches in my throat. Kairos. Or they do something that just proves how much potential, how much intellect, they have. Kairos. I try not tell them are beautiful TOO much, because I worry they will place their value on their looks (but they are beautiful!) and then I worry about not telling them enough either and thereby not giving them confidence. Lordy – how can you do this thing of raising another person and do it RIGHT!?! You can’t. 🙂 You just do your best. But don’t even get me started on the guilt factor of not enjoying it all. (Like tonight when I had to pull the 1yr old out of her bath before we were really done and rush downstairs to wipe my toddler after a poop (why couldn’t she poop in the toilet right next to me and the bathtub? Why’d she go downstairs? I mean – Come on!) No I was not enjoying it. I’m not trying to be perfect, I know that is not possible. It’s nice to know I’m not failing becasue I’m not enjoying every last minute of it. Your post was a catharsis for ME. The things I’ve been feeling, but wasn’t saying. Truely, deeply, thank you.
I have been scrolling down to leave a comment but now I don’t have to…you summed mine up! Its nice to feel encouraged/normal. Thanks and press on!
Thank you for these words. As a mother of 3 under the age of 4, I needed them! I completely agree that just because it’s hard to be a parent, doesn’t mean we’re doing something wrong. BTW- My 3-year old daughter’s name is Kairos Elizabeth (we call her Kaira).
i don’t typically read blogs. but after 3 friends of mine, in different realms of my world, all shared this link today, i felt as though i had to. WONDERFUL. i am the type of mom that NEVER cries at those goopy mom poems and songs that everyone else around me does. i get told ALL THE TIME how “real” i am. it’s always in a thank you card or something liket that. i never know whether or not to take it as a compliment. bottom line. i feel like this post all the time. and i, too, get aggravated when people tell me how fast it goes by and how i have to love every minute. your post was wonderful and don’t ever let anyone tell you that this type of talk is too negative. i’ve only read one post of yours and your bio and i love you already!
As many others have already voiced, it’s like you took the thoughts out of my head! I thank God for his grace, his strength, his patience, and his forgiveness as I lose my own grace, strength, and patience and mess up with my three little girls daily.
Thanks for voicing these thoughts!
Yes! Thank you for writing this!!
Love this – thank you for writing – clearly 600 + people – moms feel the same feelings. A resolution I made this year was to ‘see’ my kids, ‘play’ with my kids more and try to cherish more but then you are soo right PARENTING IS HARD work – the hardest job I will ever love.
this is great:
“And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? “
Utterly amazing. I found you through a facebook share. My girls are 15 and I find myself saying that to young moms sometimes. I’ll stop. But I tell you why we do it — it’s that we choose to remember the kairos moments when we look at little ones. I’m not quite 50 and I’ve got years to go, and I assume those moments will become sweeter and it will be harder to hold my tongue. Every mom has the majority of her childraising years in chronos and that’s dang hard!! As you so eloquently said. I am going to now go share this with some friends. Thank you. I’m glad I found you!
Great point Carol!!
Amen! Plus, thanks for giving me a Madeline L’Engle Theology moment!
LOVE!