Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
Join Glennon on Facebook, Twitter, & Instagram
2,618 Comments
great post! It is a gift from God to stop in the chaos of it all and thank him for things you actually are thankful for. I think parenting magazines often dole up a lot of guilt with a “make every moment the most fun, exciting, significant trip to the grocery store possible!”
I just read this aloud to my hubby on the way back from my grandfather’s funeral. It was the first time I had read it too. When I got to the part about what you would say to a young mother when you are an old lady I broke down in tears for only the second time today. Life has been so full of chronos during this sad trip and it has been hard to breathe in the kairos. Yesterday evening at my grandfather’s viewing a dear old man made a well meaning “carpe diem!” comment. As usual I smiled but told him I would call him at 3am when I would be enjoying my children in the middle of the night. He seemed to think I could enjoy those moments too:-) Anyway, thank you. I needed to hear this message today.
THANK you for writing; I needed to read this.
Thank you for this great blog! I have 3 kids too, ages 5, 2, and 6 months and get the “enjoy every moment” line ALL the time. I can totally relate to feeling guilty about not being super happy mommy all the time. On two different occasions, I’ve had ladies respond to my admission of it being hard by saying ‘you’re the one who decided to have 3 kids!’ Haha sooooo frus-tra-ting. Keep up the good work!
I ABSOLUTELY LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF BEING AN AT HOME MOM WITH MY SON. HES 31 NOW. KAIROS ? god? THERE IS NO SUCH THING. GET A GRIP AND ENJOY EVERY MOMENT. P.S. DONT BECOME A WRITER.
Why don’t you go read someone else’s blog. This one is just fine the way it is… with out you and your negativity. The warriors will NOT let you stomp us down.
Good for you. Now, go live your life and enjoy every moment of being an “older lady” without writing negative comments on blogs. If you don’t agree with someone do you really have to be so hateful?
That’s a harsh statement…. My question is did your son enjoy being home with you?
Heh. Good question.
One kid? Move along. This was not written for you. One is cake and you cannot relate.
Love it 🙂
As the mother of one, a special needs child, I have to disagree–one child is not “cake”, whether that child has special needs or not. Like most mothers, my life is devoted to my son. If I had more children, my life would be devoted to them, too, but each would get less individual attention, and to me that is the greatest gift a parent can give.
each might get less individual attention, but they share love and attention with each other….
You may have enjoyed every one of those minutes with your precious son. However, by your response, it appears that your joy seems to have been lost somewhere along the way. Praying that you will find it again and that you can respond to others in the tender way that you parented that child.
Wow, you are so incredibly negative!
So you loved every minute with your son and now you sit at home and are miserable and old? Get out more. Join the senior society. Maybe it’ll get your Depends out of a bunch and you can enjoy life again.
P.S. They make something you can take for your constipation.
You are sort of awful and in denial. It is not possible to enjoy EVERY single moment, especially with multiple children. P.S. PLEASE DO NOT WRITE IN ALL CAPS
I’m sorry you feel that way. Your bitterness makes me sad. Parenting is hard work, and if you are doing it well, you will not enjoy every moment of it. Who enjoys disciplining their children? Yet doing the hard things is an investment that will hopefully pay off when the children become better for it. I loved the article and appreciate the honesty.
You enjoyed the times that your child disappointed you. You enjoyed it when he broke your heart. You enjoyed that he disobeyed you. You enjoyed seeing your child’s heart broken. Ya, didn’t think so. You need to re-take the inventory and be honest with yourself this time.
I’m not a mom, per se (I’m a working dad, though I have had the wonderful stay-at-home dad experience too). But I think this is one of the most delightful articles I have ever read about parenting, and, indeed, about life and all that matters in it. Deep. Real. The world needs more reflective commentary like this. Thank you.
By the way. We have teens. It does not get better. Those younger years were dreams. I think we older parents say “carpe diem” because we realize how much we let slip by without realizing how precious it was. I think the point is not to enjoy it all, but certainly to “carpe” – to capture – it all. LIVE each moment, even if you feel that you hate the moment you are in. Thank God for those moments we can hate. Kairos.
…I appreciate this! Feeling free how you feel and many aspects resonate with me (another often tired newer mom)…still I think what’s important here is to not play into the right wrong, good bad dichotomy and the stories we attach to comments like: “enjoy it while it lasts”…I sure don’t always know what those advising us mean exactly…but what if it’s just a sentiment, what if it’s just them vocalizing their wish they had slowed down vs judging us or even really advising us? What if the intent is good and yet we interpret it all kinds of ways that leads us to then feel guilty, resentful, inadequate?? I also don’t necessarily think “climbing Mt Everest” is bad bc it’s hard…I would hate to miss the process of it. And I think that our expectations and perfectionism often rob us of true enjoyment of what’s “at the top” and really it doesn’t even need to be the top of “Mt Everest”…You probably get my point…Long story short: thank you for sharing and vocalizing that which many if us often feel and do. I think many of us would benefit from more compassion for self and others& truly being in the moment (good, bad, indifferent)….having patience, honoring whatever is, whatever we feel….
Motherhood. You get too much all at once. Impossible to parse in real time. Your Chronos time? Well done you.
Thank you! Beautifully put. I needed to hear this this week as my first just turned one!
Just wanted to say how much I loved this post, sent to me by a friend. I’ve been where you are and now am sidling right up to the “old woman” phase (I prefer the term “crone” myself!) stage. I will be more thoughtfully guarded with my comments now. Also read “Meet Glennon” and was touched by your honesty; love this: ” Life’s about how you use what you got, I think” So true, yet so hard to learn . . .namaste
This hits it on the nail. I love and appreciate the honesty. The power of maternal amnesia is amazing. I see it in others as a pediatrician. (I tell the families I see that they are not alone in the frustrations of parenting all the time.) I see it in myself as a mom. There is a dramatic difference between the time we experience versus the power and sovereignty of God’s time and grace over the entire course of parenthood. I think God was very wise in giving us all some retrospective amnesia so the the memories of the tortures of parenting are softened by sentimentality and greater love. Otherwise I think our human population would come to an end. Thank u for your honesty. I have often felt like I’m alone in sharing about the frustrations honestly. It’s precisely in the frustrations that I realize and grasp the beauty of God’s redemption.
THANK YOU!!
I’m not a mother yet, but there are plenty of hard things I do in life, and this helped take a huge load off my shoulders.
There is a reason those “little old ladies” stop and tell you to enjoy the moment – it is because it does go all too fast – the kairos and chronos times. The reason is that after the kids grow up and are off on their own all memories of the growing up years become kairos moments. For some reason the panic and hot flashes I experienced while checking out at the grocery store while my toddler was attempting to pull off my elastic waist skirt and the infant in my arms was reaching into my blouse to let me and everyone else know it’s time for his lunch -that panic and those hot flashes fade away. But what is left are laughable moments and precious memories that now feel more like kairos moments. I remember telling my kids one day, when it seemed that all they were doing was arguing, that “I only plan to remember the good times so if you kids don’t start getting along – I won’t have anything to remember!!!” But yet I remember the arguments too and fondly for some odd reason! Maybe it would be good to see those well-intended little ladies as a “kairos reminder” – that “this too shall pass” but the memory that remains will be worth the journey -a kairos moment too. I like your writing and wish you had been around when I was “in the trenches”.
My kids are grown now, so I qualify as a “Target” lady, but I can honestly say that staying home with toddlers is the most difficult job imaginable. The stress of that job woud bring a corporate executive to his knees. The days are long and the nights longer. I also sometimes wished for those pre-baby days. I recall physically wrestling my two year old daughter (who was not yet ready to leave a McDonalds play area) out of the restaurant and into the car as she fought like a street fighting ninja and screeched like a banshee causing every person in the place to radiate their disapproval. And potty-training just about did me in. Raising kids is a really, really tough job, and it’s so hard to find those kairos moments. The problem is, once the kids are grown and gone, it’s all nostalgia. It’s like childbirth–if you vividly recalled the pain of childbirth, you’d NEVER have another kid. But, fortunately, you forget the pain and only recall the joy of that precious new baby. That’s why us Target ladies are so annoying–we’ve completely forgotten the pain. We only remember the joy. Great blog.
You described my feelings perfectly! It is hard. No one ever tells you how hard it is! And, it is so worth all the pain we go through as moms raising our children.
You have the perfect family. Adorable. All of you!
I hope I can remember your words of wisdom when I’m that same old lady.
Thanks for sharing.
oh my goodness, i could not agree more. i am the mother of a two year old, but i also work full time, so i feel so much pressure to ENJOY EVERY MOMENT with my little girl. i especially love when my mother in law asks me whether i’m going to “just relax” when i get some time off work. sure, since i’m home, it will be TOTALLY RELAXING. i love my girl to pieces, and we are so lucky that she is a good natured, well behaved child, but she is a toddler and relaxing she is not.
I was in a mom’s group once, and one of the older moms said people used to say “Enjoy it, it goes by so fast” all the time to her. And she said that, yes, it does go by so fast, but THERE ARE SOME VERY LONG 15-MINUTE PERIODS in the midst of it, and that it’s okay to acknowledge that. I think about that every time someone says that to me. 🙂
I’m not even a mom (yet…hopefully I will be one day!) but I thought this article was amazing! I have a lot of mommy friends and I don’t know how they do it. Surviving on no sleep alone would do me in. I laughed out loud at the part about Craig’s boss peeking in to intensely shout “CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!” HILARIOUS! Such an excellent point!! Thanks for being real and rock on to all you mommies out there!
Just beautiful! Thank you,
Yep! Exactly! =)
“Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.”
beautiful! i found myself smiling the whole time i was reading this! i have a 9 month old girl. . . thanks for writing
I appreciate you honesty, eloquence and sharing! Much of this resonated with me…I too have my moments of dread and struggle & even annoyance with those commenting on what I should do or feel…Sometimes I just daydream about sleep or quiet movie night…Still, I wouldn’t trade any of it! And I don’t actually think there is anything wrong with “Carpe Diem”….I think it’s the dichotomy of good bad, right or wrong that gets us in all kinds of trouble…..but perhaps this is a topic for a whole new blog!(: Sending you much light and love.
I always say “you only ever remember the good stuff!”
I am the mother of 8 and the oldest of 13. My mother says she DOESN’T miss the yucky stuff that I still do daily. She doesn’t miss the diapers and the wet beds and the tantrums and the troubles. But we both love the moments. Keep hanging on to that knot at the end of your ripe. It’s pretty strong and it will make you stronger to hold it.
[…] for the woods (and I realized that I don’t have to do that anymore) I thought of this post on Momestery yesterday that I absolutely loved, and started kinda laughing to myself. Because I have no […]
AMEN SISTER!! So well put, what a wonderful and encouraging word for today! I will be reminded of this, throughout my day i am sure of it! Keep it up, and realistic for us moms out here who can completely empathise with you! 😉
BRAVO!!!!
Thank you.
I am pretty sure the moments it took to read this blog will be amongst the ones that I mark with the “changed my life” title.
Holy cow, look at all these comments! I agree, being a mom is taxing! As a happiness researcher and counselor I firmly believe the time of having little ones is the most difficult and trying on a young family.
Research shows couples get happier once children leave the next. And yet, as a mom age 21 & 23, I understand why old ladies tell you to cherish this time. Sometimes I look at moms in grocery stores with ducklings in tow and I feel whistful. Where did that time go? How did it happen so fast.
As someone who has seen both sides, I think the wisdom is: Don’t wish it away too quickly.
Yes, the empty nest is wonderful. Yes the romance returns. Yes, life is easier. But somedays you crave the smell of your children. You look at their empty rooms. You stare at their elementary school artwork still on the wall. And you want to grab every young mom and tell her these are good times too!
Thank you so much for this! I have always felt the same way and I always had that guilty feeling. Its good to know there are others like me out there. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for being so honest. My favorite comments from family or others…life if too short enjoy every moment you have with your kids. I usually just nod and say thank you, but what I really want to say is are you kidding me “every moment” are you for real.
Awesome article 🙂
Thank you so,so much for sharing!!! I needed to read each and ever word especialy today!!!!
I am unemployed the last year with a 2 yr old anda 5 yr old who we just had to move from private to public school. More importantly, from 6 hrs to 3 hrs a day.
I share each and every feeling you described and it helps sp much to know i am not alone. And thank you to Robbin Rubbio who sharedyour wonder blog!!
This is my first time reading your blog. Excellent, just excellent. Parenting is NOT for cowards that’s for darn sure! I really loved your comparison of how your job to your husband’s. That made the point in a great way. Nobody would come to his office and say Carpe Diem! Like you, I looked for the kairos moments. They are a wonderful, healing balm that can help get you through the crazy days. Keep on seizing them!! And good for you.
Amen!!!!
Thank you for this post. Your words have touched me deeply … I really, really needed this.
Just remember that these WELL MEANING ladies have already walked where you’re walking and are maybe trying to express their own feelings by reminding you to enjoy your children to the fullest……Whether you realize it or not, these years will pass very quickly and YOU will be the one left in wonderment of how quickly it passed and how very much you would might like to be the hurried young mother again.!
Thank you. I know this probably wasn’t the point of your post, but somehow in there I found the encouragement not to feel bad I only have one baby, and one on the way. There is nothing so discouraging as hearing remarks like, “I didn’t know how easy I had it…” It’s like a seasoned Death Race runner laughing at the elementary school relays… I’m not that seasoned, but I’m getting there.
You may know by now how much this has hit home. You must be taking surveilance of my family and my wife. What a perfect reflection of what my wife and I struggle with every day. The guilt of not enjoying every moment and the fear of regretting it later in life.
Thank you for breaking it down and giving some common ground for all of us with small children! You summed it up perfectly and I thank you. Your perspective brought a lot of comfort to me and my wife as well.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day is my new motto.
http://leuschenfamily.blogspot.com/
http://erin-mommy.blogspot.com/
AND I only want one of those hard days back not five or six in a row because they were frigging hard. And think about how much time you spend with your mom and how much of your life you share with your mom because that is what you will probably be recieving from your kids. Is that enough?
Thank you for this! What a wonderful perspective. I am a medical student- no kids yet- but the lesson is the same and the Everest is definitely there for me as well right now. I appreciate your honesty so much.
AMEN 🙂
This is the BEST parenting/mothering article I have ever read. Thank you.
Wow!! You’ve managed to put into words what every mom feels but no one dares say. I often think that older parents misremember just how “easy” raising their children was. Because when we look back at raising our kids, we remember the smiles, hugs and sense of accomplishment at every new thing our little guys do. And we quickly forget just how harry some days were.
I have a 20 month old and a 2 month old and I will admit that yesterday I muttered “if you don’t f%&* stop screaming, I’m leaving you in the car” under my breath, as I carried the groceries in. But I wouldn’t dare tell most people this, as they would think this means I don’t love my kids, don’t love being with them or don’t have the patience to be a mom. I do. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t also frequently count the minutes until my husband will get home or until I can put the kids down and have a moment to myself. The two are not incompatible. And I hate that society tends to argue that they are.
I couldn’t agree with you more. I often reply to people that it’s not that this time passes quickly at all. It actually passes very slowly. It’s just that we don’t remember it because we’re so sleep deprived. (I’m a mom of 5, all under the age of 7.)
[…] many of you, I read Glennon’s wonderful blog post : Don’t Carpe Diem. And I felt a little bit guilty. Because I have said to new mothers ‘enjoy this time, it goes […]
“Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?”
Tell them to suck it! I have had a woman at Wal-mart tell me if I didn’t want to take care of my kids I shouldn’t have had any. Why? Because I yelled at my 5 year old who was in the process of throwing a gallon of juice at the check-out woman’s head. That’s typical during an outing with my three little monsters…er….angels. I had 3 kids in 3 years (they are currently 5, 3 1/2, and 2). And you know, I love having parented. Sure, tehre are come moments that feel like all that Carpe Diem crap but most of the time I’m just happy the day is over, everyone’s alive, and it’s finally bedtime. It doesn’t mean that I’m not just as likely as the next mom to jump out infront of a moving bus to save my children. Thank you for the real way moms feel. It’s not a bowl of cherries all the time, but when it is, it’s awesome!
Absolutley AWESOME!!!! I sooo feel this way! Thank-you for this!!!!! Totally needed it today!
You are my hero LADY!!!! I am 40 years old, and I have a 1 yr old. Thank you so much for this article. I’m a single mom priviledged to be able to stay home and watch my daughter grow……. I’m tired!!! I have 17+ years ahead, and I’m tired of feeling guilty when I leave my daughter on the floor (safe) with her toys, happy to play by herself, so I can step outside to catch some fresh air and quiet time…… How much could I possibly be missing? It is impossible to “enjoy every moment”, I’m enjoying alot, trust me. Anyway, I don’t know you, but I like this article, which makes me like you. 😉 If you want to have a forth child, you have my blessing. I can see you are rare, and the good kind of mom, that us newer moms should listen to. God bless you and your family…..Christine
Some nice old lady said to me when my son was young, “the days are long and the years are short” Now I’m that little old lady too, well sort of, I don’t really think I’m that old. I remember well the LONG days. The days I hated being a mom. And like so many other older women have said I also miss them. I beg my son to sit on my lap once a year or so even though he is now 6’4″ and 180 pounds and he indulges me. This is my Kairos time. You raise them to be independent and go away and they do. And it is sad and when you see a young mom with a precious little one, you LONG for those days as a do over. It doesn’t matter how hard they were. I so appreciate your honesty and will keep my “you’re so lucky” to myself next time I am crazy jealous of a young mom and her time with her offspring.
Amazingly stated. You spoke from my heart. Thank you!
Perfectly expressed; perfectly felt!
Many thanks!!
Thank you for this. You articulated my feelings about motherhood perfectly. God bless you and your family.
I love this blog!! I don’t feel alone. And for those who ask u why u want another kid if you cannot control the ones you have. Please!!! The question is, DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? Any women/man in their right mind needs a break at some point and doesn’t enjoy every moment. I will NEVER miss waking up at 12am 3am 6am for feeding! I love my son more than life itself. BUT and thats a big BUT, parenting is the HARDEST thing to do! And I’m not talking about half parenting, those of you with full time nannys will NEVER know! Every thought from the time u wake up is about you kid. Well at least mine is, and he is only 17 months. Lol boy do I have it coming! 🙂 its worth it all though!!!
Wow. So true and sooo well said. Great post!
Amen and Thank you. I feel this every day, but have never been able to express it as eloquently as you have.
The line about loving the one peeing in the corner had me almost falling out of my chair laughing. It reminded me of a moment I had the other night at bathtime. My older daughter, who never remembers to wipe after using the toilet, chose to wipe herself with the white shirt she had just taken off. I looked at her in horror and exclaimed, “What did you just do?” She said, “What? It’s dirty anyway.”
I am so thankful for your honest words. I have these thoughts often and am so glad that you said them out loud for all of us moms out here who feel the same way. I hope these few supportive comments outweigh the negative ones. Those people are just deluding themselves into thinking that they are happy every moment.
ps. Keep soldering sista!
Amen, Sister!
The only part of this wonderfully written look at a day I thought was odd was when you mentioned you get negative feedback and it makes you question having a 4th; I’m not sure those giving that feedback are either honest with themselves OR if they are parents! Having a lot of chronos time didn’t stop me from having the 4th and she’s a dream child…this post brought to mind a friend’s comment that the years pass so quickly even when the days drag on by.
What a breath of fresh air you are 🙂 I am currently pregnant with my first so can’t say I can speak from full experience yet, but I think this is just as important of a lesson for life in general. I am a high school guidance counselor and you’ve taught me about Kairos…..it is easy to see how I will use that daily in my life and profession. I appreciate the humor and insight and most importantly, the honestly. Thank you!
See, thats funny because when I’ve said that to other moms I meant it in reverse. Enjoy those peaceful, sweet moments when you see your kids for who they really are because the rest of life looks like, well–life. Messy, dirty, screaming kids. Messy house, tired mommy, working daddy, under foot doggy. I think at some point when my kids were that small EVERYBODY got a time out, including daddy, again- because he was working & not home to help peel gum out of my daughter’s hair. You were able to put into words not only what moms think (who are like you), but also what I think a lot of the times moms (like me) are TRYING to say. Parenting IS hard. All the time! Not just when they are small. I have 4 teenagers and I cringe when people say, “Oh, isn’t it SO much better now that they’re big!”. Nope. It’s not “better”, its different and its still hard. I don’t love parenting. Period. Its hard, its messy, and most of the time I’m SURE I’m not doing it right. But I love my kids. I love how amazingly talented they are; talent that doesn’t come from anything I’ve taught them. They are smart and funny and exactly who God wants them to be. And that is what I try to remember when they are all boxing each other, and arguing, and not doing school, and not feeding the dog, and not finishing the dishes, and my husband (God bless that man) is STILL at work. I think I am blessed that somebody way smarter than me is in charge.
Well said! lol
Absolutely fantastic comment. I want to be friends with you!
I used to be affraid that I was the only one who felt this way. I used to see the perfectly dressed and fit mothers with kids well dressed, hair done, not a boogie in sight and think that I was the only one who didn’t have the whole perfect mom thing figured out. I was affraid I was clinically depressed, and I would panic at the thought. God has shown me through out the last couple of months that there is no such thing as a perfect mom. and i realized THAT LIFE IS NEVER PERFECT BUT IT CAN ALWAYS GET BETTER. Thank you for your honesty! I wish we could all be less judgemental as mothers and just try our hardest to live a good life, and teach our children to love themselves as we should love ourselves.
LOVED THIS! So glad someone pointed me to this blog. I’m a mother of four and right now, no one is seriously adolescent and no one is a toddler. I have many more “Kairos time” moments now than when they were younger, but don’t expect it will last as they all become teenagers at once. As my mom told me, “Enjoy the quiet before the storm!”
I think women suffer from a mental illness that causes them to forget horrible things like the pain of labor, toddlers throwing their poo, contrary 4-year-olds, and 8-year-olds who act like they’re going to die when they’re told to do their homework.
Those little old ladies forgot how horrible their children were. 😀
Loved this post. It’s so true! My mom doesn’t allow me to have bad mothering days. She’ll say, “You signed up for it.” Yeah, thanks for that.
They haven’t forgotten how hard it was…they’ve just realised that all those ‘annoyances’ don’t actually matter in the big scheme of things.
(mother of 4, aged 3-18)
A common thread seems to be that an older person will comment, “Children don’t stay little forever and to enjoy them while you can.” often when a child or children are at their most trying. Could it be that the person is actually trying to say, “Even though your child is acting like a monster and the look on your face says you would willing give them to the nearest hobo, take time to notice the moments you don’t want to throttle them and remember those instead otherwise you’ll end up wondering why you had them
In the first place.”?
Well said! Thank you for putting into words the feelings and thoughts I have everytime I see one of those magazine articles! Or second guess myself, am I doing enough for these kids. I sometimes have to remind myself, my parents made mistakes, but I am ok. I have scars, and baggage, but we all do and will. They didn’t have this abundance of data and research to wade through to parent us, and we made it. So will my kids. They will have scars and baggage, I am an imprefect being raising 3 imperfect beings, we are bound to mess up from time to time. But one thing my parents did right was teach me to love and forgive. I pray I teach that same lesson to my kids, and that the good memories I leave them with outwiegh the bad. And even just worrying about that ensures me that I will. Keep up the hard work warrior! Well make it up this mountain one day, and the view will be breathtaking!
Wow! This is incredible…thank you so much for this post. It’s fair to say your perspective has changed my life in a small way.
Bravo!
Loved every second of reading this, it’s hard all the time, but I love it anyway! This helped me remember that I am a good mom!
thank you. I am happy to see I am not alone. You are lucky that people tell you enjoy , all I have had to far is people telling me my kids are rowdy and I am not taking good care of them
I don’t often read blogs, never felt the need for it, or had the time. I ran in to this post via facebook, and really enjoyed reading it. It left me feeling so many different things. Mostly it left me weeping, but I don’t even know why.
As I am starting over having small kids, I have a 1 year old girl, who’s arrival we anticipated for so long, and two boys, 10 and 14, I feel like a new parent all of a sudden.
I have felt more lost and confused this past year than I ever did when my boys were little. Back then, first of all, I was younger.
I had so many other moms around me with small children, we all helped eachother, there were playgroups and we swapped kids to get a day off from time to time.
It was also my first time as a mom and everything was so exciting and new.
The young part was huge, sometimes I think I was so naive that I never considered being afraid, second guess myself or even thinking that somehow I could fail. I felt liuke a super hero. The miracle of being pregnant and watching my kids grow was like a drug and I loved it so much…….then they started growing, school started and reality hit me. I started a grieving process I think, I really missed those care free days in the sandbox, playgroup, coffee dates with other moms where we would chat and the kids play. The next phase eventually turned into something I could enjoy. Bigger kids, more free time, a different sort of relationship, dates with my husband.
And now as I start over, I just feel confused, more than ever I am wondering how I am going to do it right, be a good mom and rolemodel.
Perhaps I shall start reading more blogs, yours was the secon this week that really resonated with me, and for a moment I felt less confused and more focused.
So, Thank you for taking the time out of your day as a busy mom, to put into words
what so many others feel but can not find the words to explain and in doing so, giving all of us that read, and even further, to those we retell the stories, keeping the Kairos multiplying across the globe.
I promise to be that kind old woman some day, the one that actually does help, rather than make some tired mom feel worse
What I love about this, besides the kick-ass writing, is the honesty. I remember feeling so cheated after I had kids–why the heck didn’t anyone tell me how hard, how exhausting, how gut-wrenchingly boring it can be sometimes?
And then there are the “live-in-the-moment” people. The “be present” people. The “enjoy it” people. I know they mean no harm but what kind of Kool-aid are they sipping? Really, you want to be “present” when you are wiping butts and doing laundry and picking up crusted pancakes from the floor?
Sigh. Rant over. But this was brilliant. Obviously, it struck deeply.
I’m a mother who’s oldest just turned 18. I do tell young mothers to treasure the time they have with their little ones because it’s over all too soon. I usually say that because it only gets more difficult with each passing year. And I certainly don’t say it because I have ever enjoyed every moment being a parent or expect others to. I have gone into parenting with the same hope as Bill Cosby who said that their goal was to “get them out of the house before we die.”
But I do think their is something to this Carpe Diem business. It is over all too soon…really. And I think seizing the moment is something you will regret not doing if you don’t. Keep the camera handy. When they say those hilarious things children say, write it down so you don’t forget it. I’m telling you this as someone who didn’t do that and I’m so sorry that I didn’t.
Good point! I just wanted to say you are so right about trying to remember all those “presious” little moments. As day to day life keeps you so busy with children and other things, its so easy to forget those silly little moments and next thing you know your kids are grown and out of the house and you can’t hardly remember that time when he was 3 and he did???? and you laughed hysterically.
I have 4 kids ages 2-10, I was told by my mother that the time will slip away so quickly and i had decided while i was pregnant with my first son that i’d keep a journal and try to remember to quick write down things that i wanted to remember. 4 kids later, i admit, i dont write in the journals for each child as much as i want to, i just dont seem to have as much free time to do so, however, ( imagine!) but what i do get wrote down, I am so glad i did, as when I’m old and cant’ remember a darn thing, i’ll have those to read when my kids are out of the house . I think it will be fun to go back and read years down the road, and i think my kids will get a kick out of reading them when they become parents to!
Sharon, I totally agree! I have four kids – 3, 5 and 7 and an 18-year-old. So I’ve done the ‘whole journey’, I’ve had an only child for 11 years, I was a single parent for a few years, and then I had three babies in less than 4 years. I’ve had a LOT of different parenting experiences. 🙂
But I look at the friends I’ve made through my little ones, mostly women who only have young children – and I know that I am enjoying my little ones’ childhoods so much more than they are simply because I DO know how fast it goes and how unimportant a lot of what parents fret about is. Sleepless nights? Pee on the floor? Spills in the kitchen? Sure we get them. But I know at some point we’ll move on from this stage (and then re-enter it when our kids are in their teens!)
So as someone who’s already planted a flag at the top of the mountain AND is still climbing it, I would have to say the old ladies are right. It DOES go by in a flash. And I’ll let you in on a little secret…these days, these days of toddler-hood and early child-hood…this is the easy time. This is the time when Mama can still make it all better with a kiss. This is the time they still think we’re the boss, that we know EVERYTHING and that the sun shines out of our derrieres.
I think what most mothers of grown-up children mean when they say ‘cherish these times’ is that when your kids are grown up, you won’t really remember the sleepless nights or the tantrums…but you will feel sad about all the moments of wonder you missed while you were cursing the spilled milk and worrying about finding the perfect hair bow.
Having my first so young was not easy and not something I’d recommend (I was 19). But it has been a gift in some ways…I have a perspective now that means I really do cherish these times with my girls in a way I never could the first time round. I don’t sweat the small stuff. I don’t worry about ‘phases’. I’m not even that eager for them to get to the next stage or milestone. That’s not to say motherhood is easy…of course it isn’t – toughest job on the planet!
I just recently said to someone my favourite time of the day was when my girls (one, two or all) come into my room in the morning, jump on the bed and give me the sweetest, wake-up kisses. And believe me…I’m not a morning person. But that’s the moment of each day when they are all golden, and smiling, and totally in love with me, and I know it’s one of the Kairos moments I will never forget.
Woah…sorry for the essay! 😉
Glennon, I wanted to thank you so much for sharing your insight. Your blog today touched me tremendously. You see, this past summer my stepson was killed in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan. At one of his memorials, the pastor giving the eulogy talked about Chronos & Kairos time. He challenged us to try to live our lives in Kairos time, making each moment count, much like Alex did in his very short life. Thank you so much.
They should send you home from the hospital with a copy of this post…so great, thank you!!
Thanks for saying so perfectly what ALL of us are thinking. The time thing chronos and kairos will certainly help. And for sure I’m all over that “carry on warrior” thing! I need to remember that when I am the old lady 🙂 I just read this to my husband and he even really appreciated it. We have 4 and have continually hear the ridiculous comment “why did you have four” as if it matters or like we would send one back (well some days its a thought). Sometimes, even in the middle of the exhaustion, I wonder what the fifth one would bring to our lives if I hadn’t had a tubal…so glad I had a tubal lol. Thanks, thanks for saying what we are all thinking and feeling every moment of the DIEM.
Beautiful, and so well put. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you. So very much!!
[…] https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ […]
You are absolutely right. Thanks for the honesty and for affirming the value and worth and goodness of what we do even if/when we don’t enjoy it. Not all worthwhile things are enjoyable. And for a mom to admit that parenting is hard and includes lots of (mostly?) not fun moments does not mean that the mom is not godly enough or appreciative enough or aware or present or centered enough. Thanks for saying it so well.
Love this so much!! You put the most beautiful words to the way I feel every day with my three little boys.Thank you! You’ve got a new monkee here!
I may be the only non-parent to comment on here, but I wanted to let you know how much your post meant to someone contemplating becoming a mother in the near future. I have been struggling with fears about how hard being a parent is, how I could be a bad mom for not liking aspects of parenthood, and how guilty or selfish I will feel if I have moments of just not liking being a parent. This post was illuminating, and a good reminder of the big picture vs. daily frustrations that compose the realities of being a parent. Thank you.
Nicole–
there’s a weird mother mafia thing where we don’t tell you non-moms how hard it is, how much things change, about our conflicted feelings, exhaustion, etc. If you have kids, you’ll find friends who will share their moments of feeling like, “wtf?” Mind you, the great majority of moms will be all sunshine and roses, but there are honest ones out there too. What I am trying to say is, it’s good you are being realistic. It’s definitely hard a lot of times, but enriching beyond description.
Thank you!
Let me just add to a long line of “Thank You!”s. I’ve wanted to push those people off the metaphorical mountain before. I know they mean well, but… nope. You’ve put into words what I’ve been trying to sort out since my daughter was born 2.5 years ago. Thank you!
I love these thoughts and can still identify with them. Perhaps what we older ladies mean is not that the children grow older so fast but that our own lives have gone so terribly fast.
Thank you.
I am one of those “old ladies”, but I try not to tell young women to enjoy every moment. Some of them I still look back in horror and wonder how my kids are so wonderful as adults when I was a banshee at times. Raising 4 little ones, often with a very tight budget, is so difficult. I used to pray for more sleep, and wondered how my mother survived. Many young mothers today also have the pressure of high stress/ high profile jobs because, as one of my daughters pointed out—my generation made women think they could and should do it all. Trying that, nothing usually is done well, or mommy becomes neurotic!
I love your analogy of climbing Everest. The view from the top is usually awesome, but the climb was horrendous at times.
Yes, exactly. Those well meaning older ladies simply don’t remember the hard days just like most of us forget child birth. Was child birth difficult? Yes. Would you rather have skipped it? Yes. Would you give back your kid? Ahh, NO. But that doesn’t change the hard. Mine are 11 and 13 and I can look back on those little years and see that it went faster than it felt. But I try really hard to not paint a rosy picture. It was hard and I don’t want to go back. But I love the products!
Thank you for this I have not read anything so true, real and wonderful in a long time! I too feel that pang of guilt when someone tell me to Carpe Diem, and now I will always be able to think of my kairos moments with my 2 boys. I know I am a good mom, but some days I doubt it because of chronos, chores, fatigue, no time to myself….It’s so nice to know we’re not alone.
Thank you!
Thank you so much for your honesty! I love my 5 kids, but parenting is by far the most difficult thing that I have ever done. When they are all grown and gone and living their own lives, I will miss them terribly. What I will not miss is the mess, the tantrums, and having every surface of my home sticky. I hope some day that I too will have the opportunity to pay for some mom’s groceries! Thanks again.
Thank you.
This is the best blog I have EVER read! I am a mom of 6 and yes I get the “enjoy every moment it goes too fast” all of the time. How dare I ever admit I need help or am tired then I get the “you chose to have 6 kids” This blog makes me feel normal and happy. Thank you
I also used to hate it when people would tell me to ‘enjoy them now’. Hate it. I would think to myself that you just don’t remember how HARD it was at whatever age my child was in. I now can say that I know exactly what they mean and I think it to myslef everytime that I see a mom with her little boys. I would give ANYTHING to have just one day back with my little guys. One day that I could focus on them more and not everything else that was so ‘urgent’ at the time. One day more of what I know now to be the BEST days of being a parent. Nothing will ever compare to those days and if I were younger I would have more babies I miss it that badly. And I can only imagine how painfuil this feeling will be when I am older and my kids have moved on in life. So now when people tell me to enjoy it I know exactly the place they are comoing from and I wholeheartedly agree with them. Someday you will too.
Beautifully put Mallory! I feel just the same.
Wow, here I am, one of those “older women” who is guilty of saying the same thing and I can totally relate to Mallory’s comment. I spent far to much time looking forward to the next stage, and worrying about meaningless things. Our daughters were married within 15 months of each other and moved away, and and this “empty nest” doesn’t compare to the “off to college” one. This one is permanent, and I want nothing more for them than to have strong marriages and a life of their own. However, my husband and I are grieving, and miss them so much. The look on his face when he sees someone with little girls breaks my heart. I wasn’t prepared for how much loss we would feel. I liken it to when you are first married, you have to figure out your own traditions and ways of doing things – it feels like starting over, just the two of us and there are some great things about that and I know the rest will get better. I would never want to make a young mom feel inadequate because she doesn’t love every second of raising children, because it’s hard and often unrewarding. But it is ok to miss it, and wish to have just a little of that time back.
Hear, hear!
This was INCREDIBLE!! WHAT I WANT TO SCREAM EVERY DAY!!!!! THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER for being so Raw, for being so honest! Gosh, you are amazing!
In Christ,
Rachel Best
I am expecting my first child now but have taught children for many years and every word you say rings true.
I know I’m an easy target hormone-wise, but your beautiful words made me cry 🙂
carry on warrior!
Some people on my Facebook friends list are reposting this and using it as justification for slamming me. Here’s my response: http://lisainalabama.xanga.com/758130866/ill-carpe-diem/
Lisa, it is so great that you have that kind of wonderful relationship with parenting. I know some moms like you and in constant awe of them. Unfortunately (as most of the responses to this blog pist indicate) the majority of us moms do have a tougher time. And that’s perfectly valid. We may not all have the personalities or the inner peace that makes us amazing, calm, happy parents, but we try our best, and at the end of the day we need to read things like this blog post. I’m sorry your “friends” have been using this post to be mean to you, that isn’t very friendly. You are very blessed and lucky to fit so well into motherhood. That is nothing to be ashamed of. Nor is actually relating to this blog post!
Blog post, not pist, lol!
Thanks. I agree.
[…] – how to talk to little girls from b and don’t carpe diem from […]
I have said on many occasions something like “enjoy this time” to young moms. Not because they are all good but because you will miss them all. When your child grows up and (for the most part) doesn’t need you,when she doesn’t come running to you with a dandelion or other found object, when she no longer sits in a cart, when she starts doing things without you, you will miss it. You will miss the simplicity and magic of those days. Lives with our children are full of wonder, challenge, love, challenge, magic, change, and did I say challenge? I remember the days when I was so happy to have the kids in bed but I would trade those days for some of the days I have now in a heartbeat. So in the future, I will find something a little different to say because older moms don’t mean anything except “I miss those times” and “savor this time because it doesn’t get easier.” I’ll go one step further and say that the bra and lollipop moment was a Kairos, even if you found it Chronos. We have been there and realize all those moments we missed 🙂
I’m feeling a little like, at 61 and just celebrating the birth of my first granddaughter two months ago, I may be trespassing on this site. I don’t recall ever saying to young mothers to “enjoy every minute” of raising children, and I’m quite certain I have never uttered such a rude and thoughtless remark as, “Well, you’re the one who decided to have four children.” I do, however, often feel very much like M. described above: I truly miss my child every day and wish I had been able to have more “Kairos” time with him.
I waited nine years after getting married to seriously consider having children because I worried a great deal about what kind of world I would be bringing them into (I grew up during the Cold War, when one of my salient memories was of having to dive under the school stairwell with all of the other kids to practice what we would do if a nuclear bomb really did fall on us.) When I finally decided to try for a child in 1979, I did so against the dire warnings of my own mother, who said that taking care of the three of us when we were young children was so stressful and exhausting that she believed I would be ruining my life if I had children after seeing how hard it had been for her. (Imagine growing up knowing that your mother felt that way about you!) Once I was actually caring for and raising my own child, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that it was not nearly as difficult as she had told me it would be. (She did later acknowledge that she thought I was a much better mother than she had been, simply because I actually gave myself permission to enjoy it.) I’m not saying that it was joyful all the time, and I remember often feeling much the way many of you have expressed, that there were many trying, hard moments. Much of that had to do with my marriage falling apart when my son was only 2 1/2. I was so afraid I wasn’t doing it right, that he would be traumatized, that my having to work as many hours as I did was making him miserable. The time I did have with him, when he wasn’t with his father, was all the more precious. I realize that my experience was very different from yours because I was only able to have one child; I had what doctors told me was called “secondary infertility.” My son was easier than most – sweet-natured, very curious and verbal, but surprisingly well-behaved in public (and believe me, it wasn’t because of anything I did or failed to do; it was just his personality). He loved to read and draw rather than running around a lot or climbing on top of the furniture. Large motor skills just weren’t his thing; he never did figure out how to climb out of his crib, for instance.
Now, he is grown and married and raising a child of his own. He and his wife, whom I adore, live about three hours away from me, and I can only get up there once a month or so, at best – and less in the winter when the roads are dangerous. I am extremely proud of my son but have never been able to drive away each time our visit is over without a deep sense of mourning.
When my son was three years old, his father and I resolved to be the best parents to him that we could possibly be and to really share custody of him. We agreed that he would live with me when he was young and spend as much time with his dad as possible. If at some point when he was older, our son wanted to try living with his father – and if we both believed when that time came that it would be a good idea – then that might happen. Just as he was about to begin junior high school, I was in the process of moving, having met the man I would later marry. The school in the town I was moving to wasn’t a very good one, and my ex-husband had been settled for several years with his new wife in an area with excellent schools. All four of us spent awhile talking it over with each other and our son, and finally the decision was made. He soon lived four hours away from me, but his father was very generous and always drove him down to the halfway point on the trip so neither of us would have to drive so far. When we drove all the way down to visit him there for special family occasions, my husband and I even stayed at their house. As it turned out, my ex and his wife had a daughter within a year after our son went to live with them, and the experience of spending his teenage years with his baby sister was such a wonderful thing for all of them. My son came to visit often and soon began bringing his little sister with him for the weekend. He went away to college, so all of us saw him less.
Looking back on it, I don’t regret our decision, but driving him back up to meet his father halfway when the weekend or holiday or summer visits were over was always very difficult for both of us. I mention this part of our story because I was unable to truly experience the entirety of my son’s childhood, including the travails of adolescent rebellion. Having an empty nest that early is bittersweet – bitter because it can be very painful at times, but sweet because you know you’re doing what is best for the child you love so much. Our primary job as parents, other than loving our children more than life, is to help them navigate their individual journeys toward eventual independence from us. My son had opportunities that I alone never could have given him, and he is now a relatively happy and well-adjusted man whose intelligence, kindness, creativity, and enterprising nature truly amaze me.
I think perhaps the older women who thoughtlessly blurt out their annoying and unwanted advice to you really just feel bereft because they will never again have their children quite as close to them as they did when those children were young and their lives were so hectic. They wish, irrationally, that they could have some kind of do-over – even my mother did that. And often, without consciously realizing it, they are terrified of the last thing they want to think about: their own encroaching mortality. Biology can be cruel: it offers you to the world when you are at your peak of beauty and appeal to potential mates. Then once you’ve managed to procreate as planned and your children get more self-sufficient, you begin to age much more rapidly than you ever imagined possible. Older women can feel discarded, tossed aside, no longer needed. Many of us have the temperament to accept our new roles, forge onward into novel endeavors, and hang on to the bond we’ve always had with our children, as long as we’re willing to accept that this connection must of necessity become more tenuous and elastic as our children form their own bonds with new families.
The reason grandparents can seem so sanguine about their sons’ and daughters’ child-rearing tribulations is that they recognize that these tiny, endearing new lives offer the older folks their last chance to do what many of them may see, through the fog of their own long-past mistakes and regrets, as “getting it right,” relaxing and enjoying their grandchildren the way they feel they should have enjoyed their own children back when daily life was so much more challenging. Our culture still confers a significant degree of guilt and disapprobation on parents of young children – especially mothers – who aren’t able to convincingly pretend that every moment with their kids is blissful. Some of the “old ladies” you’ve encountered grew up in a different era, when mothers had to put on a brave face and never publicly let on that child-rearing was not pure joy and ultimate fulfillment.
Reading your story made me really happy to learn that women of your generation finally feel as if they can say aloud to someone else – a friend, a relative, a blog reader – that a mother’s existence isn’t all wonder and delight. As much as we loved our children and enjoyed whatever moments of “Kairos” we could savor, we were never supposed to admit to anyone that we experienced so many moments of doubt and even, at times, the kind of misery that made us, however temporarily, want to flee.
Fortunately, the older you get, the easier it becomes to forgive yourself for what you may see as past transgressions! And if you can’t quite forgive yourself, your children, resilient creatures that they are, almost always will.
Just slow down, breathe deeply, and take those precious “me-time” moments you need so badly to keep on moving forward. Your children are undoubtedly the most astonishing masterpieces you will ever create, and no matter how badly they sometimes behave or try what little patience you have left, don’t ever let those well-intentioned but obtrusive elders bring you down.
That’s all the advice that I, for one, will ever give you.
Thanks again, Glennon. It was a pleasure making your acquaintance.
This post is beautiful and dead-on. I suspect the older lady was recalling a string of Kairos moments, and forgetting the day the diaper exploded in church. The corollary old lady that I have a hard time with is the one who see wherever I am and then opens with, “JUST WAIT…” and proceeds to tell me how it will get worse. Thanks for that.
Keep on keepin’ on. You are doing an AWESOME job. You are a good mom. I can tell.
It’s amazing how your words can express exactly what is in my head and my heart. I love how you have defined time and described those special “out of body” moments. But I, like you, am not a Carpe Diem kind of gal…and I am relieved that there are other people out there who are the same. Maybe some of the guilt will now dissipate.
Oh My! This is where I am right at this moment and was so lucky to have been “directed” to it. You put it so well!
Just because the journey is hard doesn’t mean I don’t want to do it (a 3rd time)! It just means it’s hard right now and the guilt of not enjoying every tantruming moment doesn’t help either.
Thank you!
I get that comment a lot too. I think living a meaningful life doesn’t equal living in blissful happiness. To me, a meaningful self-aware life is working hard at what I love, being my “self”, it is not walking around insanely happy. Working hard is…is hard and that is what parenting is. It doesn’t mean we stop working on all the other aspects of our lives, our relationship with our partner, work, friends, OURSELVES, parenting is in addition to these things. We can still have meaningful lives and relationships with our children when they are adults so maybe you should tell the people that you are “seizing the day” and that, perhaps, they might want to do the same.