Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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2,618 Comments
I just stumbled upon your blog today with this post front and center… and I couldn’t agree more. I have 4 kids, they are an insane amount of work and by the end of each and every day I want nothing more than to tuck them into their safe beds, kiss them goodnight, tell them that I love them… and then shut their doors. LOL!!!!!! Your points are wonderful, very well done 🙂
this is an awesome post! you are so true and don’t need to feel bad to feel this way. my favorite line: “I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question” HA! that’s some funny stuff!
Oh My – So true. People always say, “This time goes by so quick.” I want to yell back (with my 4, 2 and 1 year old in tow), “No, it doesn’t! This is taking freakin’ forever.” It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Yes, it brings me joy. Yes, they are huge blessings. This, however, is so exhausting and challenging. I can’t imagine enjoying every moment – although I’m trying to be intentional about enjoying more of them. While I read this, my child literally just tried to glue her hands together…and I’m not joking. Gotta go!
THIS WAS AWESOME!!! I never read blogs, but a friend of mine posted this on her fb page, so I decided to look. I have 2 boys and yes, they are incredible, but geez people…come on, every mother feels overwhelmed, stressed, irritated and exhausted sometimes and that doesn’t make us bad parents. I think it makes us the exact opposite. If we are all of these things, it means we are being the PERFECT parent. If we feel great all the time, we are either on crack, or not doing a good job!!!!!
Amen to you my fellow tired mother!!!!!! 🙂
Thank you so much for writing this! One of my toughest parenting moments was leaving the sanctuary of our church to take refuge in the lobby with my SCREAMING colicy infant who was struggling to breastfeed. My frustration had welled over and I was literally weeping. A woman I didn’t know came up and put her hand on my shoulder, just over my exposed, leaking breast, and said, “Enjoy this moment, dear. It goes by so fast.” I was so stunned I stopped crying for a moment, but then she added, “Just wait until she’s a toddler. That’s when they get REALLY tough!” Um, yeah, thanks lady. Just the encouragement I needed 😉 I really appreciate your message, and the reminder that the beautiful moments really are more than enough to make the many, many challenges completely worthwhile.
Thank you for writing this. I can’t tell you how irked I get by those well-meaning older ladies telling me to carpe diem. Except the ones in my life aren’t strangers. They’re facebook friends (aka my mother, my aunt, some ladies from my church, ones I used to work with. That sort of thing). And any time I write a status out of exhaustion or frustration that’s what they tell me. And I totally want to throw them off the mountain. I hope I can answer a younger mom like you hope to answer a younger mom some day. And until then I’ll work on Kairos time. 🙂
I sometimes hesitate to comment on posts with this many comments, thinking that mine will get lost among the others and that I’m likely repeating a whole slew of others, but I just had to take the time to say that what you wrote about today resonates with me to the core. Thanks for being honest and caring and Jesus-focused. You’re a pretty cool, chica, Glennon.
Couldn’t have said it better myself. I appreciate what those little old ladies are saying, and realize that they are only looking back at all the good times. Because if we remembered all the hard stuff, we’d probably never do it again and that would be the end of the human race. Thanks for making me feel like it’s OK to say “it’s hard”. It’s the hardest, most thankless thing I’ve ever done, but I know I’m going to love having parented.
As a Mom of 5, with kids in their 30’s down to senior in HS, I have to jump in here and say, YES! It IS the hardest and most thankless thing I’ve EVER done! A lot of the gritty day to day work and exhaustion is behind me, thank goodness! I do not miss those days. I LOVED getting everything done, the kids in bed, and ending the day. I don’t want to go back to raising little ones. HOWEVER, I am so grateful I’ve had the journey. My children and husband are my most precious life possessions. I am SO THANKFUL I’ve gotten to be a mom of 5. Wouldn’t trade it for anything. I don’t regret a single child. I understand there is only so much Carpe Diem you can do at a time. I like the concept. As I look back, I think the daily acts of just raising my children, & all the work & stress & sometimes happy moments it involved, WAS seizing the day.
This is great and right on the money for me! 🙂 Thank you for making me feel like I’m not the only one! BTW, adding a fourth was the easiest for me. My hardest was going from 2 to 3 kids! I have those days where I really want another child, and then I have those days where I think “I can’t even do this, how would I handle another child.” For me, that’s just life, and I think I will always be one of those women who always wants just one more child. During the chronos times, I try to be thankful that I have the stress that I have, because I know that without it, I would be miserable! 🙂
The hardest for me was also going from 2 to 3. It upset the fruit basket. And I knew positively, right after having my 5th, that I could NEVER DO THIS AGAIN. And we weren’t going to take any chances.
Wow––great post! Clearly I’m not alone in the sea of shares and comments, but what a perfect blend of funny and meaningful. Well done.
Yes and amen!
As for those older mamas in the check-out line, I have a theory or two. I wonder if it might be that God’s grace glazes over the rocky, overwhelming, chaotic moments (read hours, days, weeks, years) of parenthood in the same way it glazes the pain of childbirth…a plan of sorts to ensure that we keep on keeping on with the “populate the earth” command. If we really knew the cost, the effort required, would we be so enthusiastic to take on the task?
Whatever the case, I’m with ya, sister. Thanks for the honesty…it makes me feel a little less crazy.
I think you hit it right on the head. Speaking as a mom of 4, of which now the youngest is 12, I can admit that time does gloss over the harder things and allows us to remember the good stuff. I have been known to say that to a mom or two. However it is truth. As hard as those days were of tantrums, breast feeding, etc. I do miss them and I sometimes wish I could turn the clock back. I love the way our relationship has changed as the kids have grown and I am enjoying ( most days) watching them learn how to be the adults they are learning to be, there is something to be said for the warm Jammie-clad blanket carrying squishy diaper feeling of a little one on your lap! Carry on Mommy warriors and yes it’s hard but it’s the best job out there by far!
You hit the nail on the head!
Here, Here! And while we are at it we can cheer each other on and raise each other up.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!
Thank you. That was beautifully written.
I had a time when my daughter was 2-3ish… we were in Target and she was non-stop asking questions, talking (loudly.. she has one level!) and having an occasional tantrum about not getting what she wanted… I was mumbling to myself… are you ever going to be quite, when will you stop having tantrums, blah, blah… kind of joking about it with her. A man approached me and told me to “enjoy every moment.” Then he told me that he just lost his daughter to cancer and that he would give anything to be where I was now! OMGosh. I didn’t know what to say, but he RUINED my day. I felt like a complete failure as a mom and a horrible parent. I’m sure he meant well… but do people really think about what they say to moms? sigh…
You are so right. I am the woman in the line, the voice that tells me daughter with 3 rowdy, energetic boys ” enjoy, it doesn’t last forever.” What I am really saying is that I miss my kids being babies…those days were hard and I did watch the clock till bedtime and kiss them when they were sound asleep and silently promise to be more patient and more involved with them tomorrow. And then my tomorrows with them were gone…they are grown up and have children of their own and I do love this time of my life. But I miss my “babies”…it is a special time that won’t last forever. So, from an old lady, I say “enjoy”…the kairos time. The chronos time wears us down, gets in the way of the kairos time. You are very wise to know the difference!!
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Thank you for this. I agree 100%
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I thought my comment was lost, but it was at the top. My apologies for the double post.
I’m the same kind of honest and candid that you are, especially about pregnancy and parenting. It gets me plenty of “what’s wrong with you” looks. Thanks for sharing. I carped a kairos as I read.
I carped a kairos reading your post. Thanks for sharing. I’m the same kind of honest and candid about parenting as you are, and I often get looks from women which seem to say I’m less than human because I didn’t think pregnancy was Shangri-La. What a wonderful, peace-imparting, laughter-inspiring post. Thanks again.
Glennon,
Thanks for your honesty and pealing back brokenness. I love your comparison between time and grace. It portrays the tension that us as parents live in. On our good day, dare I say, our good minute or two, we see with our Father’s eyes and are thankful. Thanks for sharing your reality, my family resonates with it. Keep climbing. You are leaving a legacy. Blessings…
one last thing – these people at the grocery store saying “one day you’ll wish you had carped this diem”, might just be reminding you of the journey, not the diem. keep in mind, they’ve been on their own journey and their days all run together… just something to think about.
carping the diem and enjoying the journey don’t have to be mutually exclusive things. sometimes you seize the moment, like when the kids come down the stairs on Christmas morning, and sometimes you relish the journey like when you’re exhausted from the routine of day in and day out. it would be a mistake to leave out one for the other i think. I say seize some days and moments, and when things look bleak and tiresome, that’s when reminding yourself that it’s a long hard climb might just give you the boost you need to get through those next 5 minutes that you think you can’t make it through.
Jim – I understand that that’s where the Kairos moments come in 🙂
Got it. thanks! I was kind of getting at the title, “dont carpe diem”. I see the Kairos moments as seizing the day. I’m pretty sure the phrase doesn’t mean the whole 24 hours of a given day, but I do understand that there are moments when someone tells us to seize the day, and they don’t happen to be the particular moments we want to seize. I suppose I see the phrase meaning what Kairos means, which makes the title to the post trip on itself.
cheers,
Jim
That was so amazing! You are so blessed to be able to see those two moments of time 🙂 I am a mom of six and I hear evrything you feel, and for sure its the kairos times in our lives that get us past the chronos times!
wow—I’ve never really thought of a comment I’ve made about treasuring moments as coming across as condescending—I certainly never intended it to be—interesting perspective—perhaps I’ll just keep it to myself next time! But, as a mom of a 22, 20 and 11 year old I AM more purposeful in my parenting with my great surprise! ;D I let a lot more go and spend a lot more time with him—I’m grateful God gave me a second chance at parenting—and now I’m a mother-in-law and a grammie, too! I hope you know that most of those older mommies are just trying to encourage you—not condescend to you. Loved your post—it really reminded me of how it feels to be the mom of a young one! Thanks~
Perfect. Simply perfect. I read this and selfishly enough felt a lot less embarassed about how I parent my two girls, ages 4 and 6. When people tell me “it goes by way too fast, cherish every moment”, in the back of my mind I’m thinking “I WANT it to go by quickly. I want them to bathe on their own, feed themselves, dress themselves…” . But there’s a small, guilty part of me who thinks that I don’t want it to speed by, that I SHOULD enjoy the daily baths, the fighting, the messy toyroom, the 12 outfit changes, the corn chips stuck in the car seat… Kudos to you for writing this and writing it well. You certainly struck a chord with all of us moms out there who were perhaps concerned that we were the only ones whose favorite time of day is bedtime!
This is fabulous. And true. I loved it and it made me laugh. Thanks. – Amy
Absolutely beautiful essay, absolutely true!
Thank you! Your words give parents strength on hard days.
Loved your comments. Way back before blogging and Facebook I have a journal to remind me of those pre school days. I can read and reread the good times and the exhausted times full of emotion. The fussy nap times where I take the nap and my two girls play paper dolls around me. The “I don’t want to take a bath!” to “I donot want to get out of the tub.” the same day. The time when, “Mama! Ashley ate the dog’s heart worm medicine!She thought it was her vitamin!”Who do I call? The vet or the Doctor? She was fine. I called the Vet. The time the library calls to say we have an over due book called,”Dogs with Paws”. I say we never checked out a book called “Dogs with Paws”but we have lost “Mr. Messy”. They say that no we did not check out a “Mr. Messy” but that “Dogs with Paws” is over due. Well, I pay the fine for the book and “Mr. Messy” is still missing.
So, I know better than to tell a young mother to enjoy every minute. I was told the same thing too. It is interesting how every generation is hit with feelings and frustrations that seem to be new and unique to them. My Mother seemed to smile at my “unique” struggles and joys. I see the same struggles in my daughter with her one year old.
I vow to help the young Mom with her groceries and with any door way and open them wide for her and her children. She is exhausted!!!!
“The years fly by, but some days never end.”
I too, love having parented. But, I do also seize the day, or the moment…
As my kids have gotten older and tougher, (they are all teens now) I find it necessary to step back (sometimes to avoid a book or shoe sailing through the air) and just enjoy the dynamic in all its HORRENDOUS perfectness. I love the engagement and the crude process even as it clutches me in the heart and brings me to tears.
At times like this, I think to myself…”Why can’t my family get along without fighting? Yelling? Arguing? Crying? Why can’t we negotiate like civilized people? And I remember…it’s because of the war, the alcoholic ancestry, the domestic violence that we have endured.”
And in that moment, I see my 3 kids fighting the good fight: for peace, non-violence, dignity, and to be treated as human beings. They aren’t afraid, like I was at their age. They haven’t given up, like I did. They don’t endure, like I did. I know, in that moment that we will all be OK. This state is temporary. We will not be like this forever.
Well put. Had one of those days just… well, just this morning. I was pretty excited to drop the Bug off at school 🙂
I really enjoyed the article and got a lot out of it, especially enjoying the explanation of kairos moments and appreciating the abundance we have. As a mom only just recently on the other side of the exhausting days of having young children (now all preteens/teens), I think what people are saying in “enjoy” this time is just a reminder to slow down and intentionally take note of our good fortune and abundance, and if you do that, even in the worst of times, it creates those kairos moments. It helps burn a memory in our minds, too, if we take the time to intentionally remember a moment. When the kids get older, it gets harder and harder to remember them as babies, toddlers, and young children – very sad to not be able bring up those awesome days (and even the terrible ones) with the clear picture and emotions you had at the time. It doesn’t take long for memories of stressful and chaotic times to transform into memories of humor and triumph. I remember how hard some days were, how exhausted and overwhelmed I felt, but those days were all stepping stones, events that helped us learn and grow and led us to where we are now. Guess I’m already there, one of the moms who wants to say – enjoy it, it goes way too fast!
Oh God that was a good read! Thank you for writing this, I’m printing it out and tucking it somewhere that I won’t find for a while so I can come across it again unexpectedly.
I really need to read this today. Thank you so much for being honest. I feel so guilty that I am so frustrated most of the time. I think “oh I will be so sad when this stage is over, I’m supposed to be enjoying it…and photographing it, videoing it or I am a bad mommy. Everyone finds the time to record sweet memories.”. But I have two girls, 3-1/2 and 6-1/2 and they bug each other and they fuss or pick on one another as soon as they say good morning. It starts. And every evening, when they are finally asleep, I say to myself, “oh God, thank you for these sweet babies. Thank you for this wonderful blessing of family. Help me to start over tomorrow and not get frustrated and not raise my voice and not say something or in a way I will regret. Help me with patience and calmness. Why don’t I have those skills? You gave me these girls and I feel so inadequate as a mother. Help me.”. But the day starts again with a frowns face because my littlest tapped my oldest on her back to say good morning while she lay in bed. Seriously? So again, thank you for being authentic. Now I just need to get rid of the daily guilty feelings.
Amen! I am a stay at home mom of 2 (ages almost 5 and 2). You brought tears to my eyes. Not only did you say everything that I keep secret in the corners of my heart, but you said it all so eloquently. Thank you. I needed to hear this. Getting ready to share with my friends. 🙂 Warrior on!
Thanks for this. This works just as well for a father (have a 3 and 5 year old).
GUILTY!!!
I had the old ladies pester me to pieces about how fast “this time” will fly and that I need to cherish it. I described it to myself as though I was in the trenches, battling every day. Every so often I would pop my head up and take in the countryside and appreciate, yes this is beautiful… and then a Spaghetti-O would get lobbed at my head. Back to the trenches.
My trench warfare days are over. My youngest is in high school and the two big ones are living adult lives. WAHHHHHH!!!!! I want my babies back. I want the stinky diapers and constant bickering to return. I want more spaghetti-O’s lobbed at my head. And those sleepless nights when I threatened they need to be more scared of the mommy-monster than anything that may or may not reside under their beds.
It does go by too fast. It does go away. I’m a grandma now, but a young one who still has to work and doesn’t get the time to spoil that little guy endlessly. That time is speeding away from me too. WAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
But I do get it. When you’re in the trenches, covered in baby goo and trying to assemble supplies for yet another class project, you do not need us old hags shoving down your throat how effing precious all of this is. Because, at the moment, it’s not. I do strongly suggest to photograph EVERY THING so when they’re off being their independent selves in just a few short years you can reminisce how fabulous those hideous day really were.
I love the concept of kairos! Thank you for sharing.
Just perfect. You are so right about the chronos time versus the Kairos time. Thank you for this.
I am not little and not That old (49). But I just want to say I have found myself saying that same line to young moms. I never intend them to feel glee every second, by any means. You will remember the screaming tantrums and the days you just sat and cried, as much as you will the smiles and hugs and kisses and good night prayers. I think I say it as words of encouragement, to let young mothers know It is all worth it , every tear, every night staying up, every day spent holding a sick baby or child.
Yes, I am going thru empty nest, but I can say I have not one regret about raising my 3 children. The days I spent as a stay at home mom were the best of my life, (even though I did not think so at the time.). I guees what we are trying to say is dont Rush thru life. Enjoy the awful moments as well as the awesome moments, because when it all comes down to it, YOu wil forget where you put your keys but you will never forget your babies first word.
Absolutely true. Thank you for saying this better than I could!
Having just completed an epic “I’m an eff-up of a Mom” sob session, I found this post on a friend’s Facebook feed. Thank you. Just Thank you.
I LOVED this! I’ve thought these exact same thoughts for a while now, but you put it down in such a clear, heart-warming and funny way! It’s a wonderful message, and one that I don’t think a lot of parents of young kids get, and they should. You’ve certainly made a fan of me! 🙂
AMEN!!!!So well said. This has happned to me so many times with the little old ladies!Even after playdates I have said to myself man how come everybody else seems to be having such an easy time with their kids?My kids are intense.But I work really hard with my kids and have realized too that if we weren’t good moms then we wouldn’t care and that would be a lot easier wouldn’t it be?Thanks for the post!
Hi Glennon! You are a very talented writer! A friend just sent me a link to your blog, and I’m hooked. My baby is almost 14 months old, and I’m constantly feeling like I’m not taking the time to really enjoy it because, well, it’s hard as hell to be a mama! I’m so glad your blog made its way to me! Do you read all of these comments? I just noticed there are over 400…holy cow! Oh and p.s., you and your family are beautiful!
G, Thank you! Thank you! And did I say THANK YOU!!!! I am a dad but I am also MOM since my loving wife died over 4 years ago! Our daughter, whom we adopted from China 16 1/2 years ago, is my raison d’etre! Too often I let loose my frustrations with life, with myself, with my dead-end job and my daughter bears the brunt of those tirades! Less often do I concentrate on the many KAIROS moments now, yesterday and all the way back to June 20, 1995 – “GOTCHA DAY.” I hope and pray that I am blessed to live to see her graduate from high school ( 2013 ), then college, then off on her own. Maybe I might live to see a grandchild or two. But forever I will remember many KAIROS moments in her life, in our life, in my life, in the life of our school district community and the life of our parish faith community and our local and global communities. Thanks for sharing, especially your words and actions that you hope to take when you are the older person seeing a young MOM plying her HERCULEAN task and getting mired in the muck that is being a parent!
Beautifully written and so true. I loved reading it and imagine my surprise to find out I went to school with your amazing Sister. 🙂 she brightened my entire first year of college, by living on my hall 🙂 can’t wait to keep reading!
YAY! Love, love, LOVE this!!! All of it is so true. Thank you for expressing it so eloquently.
I have three kids too, and am also hoping for a fourth. And I have had so many moments in my parenting journey where my mind automatically goes back to a quote from “A League of Their Own”….the lead baseball girl is contemplating quitting because “it got too hard”. Tom Hanks (the coach) says, “The Hard is what makes it great. If it wasn’t hard, then everybody would do it.”
Oh this is just perfect. I thought I would stop getting those comments once my baby is a little older. Maybe not, huh? 🙂
Thank you. This caused me to take my first real, focused breath all week and made me shed a tear that I didn’t think would come. Thank you.
Wow! Thank you for putting into words (beautiful at that) on how I feel!
I wonder if all the women who make those comments are really just trying to say, “Gosh, I have so many regrets. I wish I could have a second chance.” And it just comes out preachy. My kids are only 10 and 8, and regret sometimes stabs my heart when I see mommies with teeny tiny ones. And I’m not even 40 yet.
Thanks for your honesty and your boldness in unveiling real-life and messiness. Fabulous post.
Great writing! I have raised–oops I mean–I AM raising 6 children-ages 20-7. I have no support from in laws or immediate family. I was constantly criticized to my face and behind my back for having more than 2 or 3 children –(btw, go for the 4th!!) But I wouldn’t send one of these 6 kids back. I submitted my life to God, not to the world’s ways.
It is true, the young years are easier than the pre-teen & teen years, because you have a certain level of control of how time is used etc. When I had several little ones it was about meals, naps, diapers & boogie noses!! Now it is about so much more! It can be emotionally draining. You can’t put them to bed at 6:00pm!
Those woman who say “honey, I hope you are enjoying it” could learn that words can be idle and NOT encouraging. How about if they pick up that grocery bill, hold a cart from rolling away, entertain the kid for a second while you haul the bags into the cart, hold the door, stop traffic,tell you you are doing a great job or kindly say Hello!! Or how about if an older woman would say can I watch the kids in the yard, or sit with them while you take a nap!! Can I take the kids for a walk around the block while you have 20 minutes ALONE in the house!!
My husband and I work HARD. We choose to glorify the Lord. We have made HUGE sacrifices and have been persecuted and abandoned by the Christian body. Yet my kids are happy, healthy and hard workers. We have trained them to work hard, directed them upwards to their Heavenly Father, and reminded them that even Jesus was abandoned by his friends!
Because we also home school my children are always with me! It can be tiring! My strength does not come from within but from the Heavenly Father who has lavished His love upon me and my family!
The sacrifices a mom makes (and a home schooling mom sacrifices much!) will reap rewards. I don’t consider my present day sufferings/sacrifices worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed in me in the day of Christ Jesus.
Your life is full with children. And what people see in you and your family, is what sometimes they wish for themselves!! (many times woman have closed their womb to God, or parents of grown children have closed their hearts/lifes to relationships with their own children and grand children-and the families around them.
Besides half the time, people are just plain jealous of YOU!.
Who You Are Makes A Difference! and you are making a difference out their in the world!!
I loved reading your article- I have 3 little boys and a lot of the time it is downright hellish- — parenting is often lonely and isolating, and i find that the guilt never helps one to be a better parent. thanks for the inspiration.
Fantastic and spot on! I LOVE the Everest analogy. I hike (but not mountains like Everest) and you know what motivates me when I feel like giving up? – Looking toward the peak and thinking of the tremendous view that awaits me. That is certainly not a “living in the moment” attitude – and reminds me of Philippians: “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
My dad had a hiking rule when I was little – don’t stop for a rest in the middle of a difficult upward slope – wait for a little knoll or mini-crest and rest there during a more level part of the hike. In the mean time, head down, ignore the ascent and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. To this day, when I get tired on a hike, I apply this rule. And it works. If someone in the midst of those grueling moments told me to carpe diem, I’d have no problem pushing them down the mountain. 🙂 Many parenting moments are like that. Head down. One foot in front of the other. Rest at a level spot (like after the kids are in bed). Amen!
Thanks for writing this. It was just great!
Thanks so much for sharing your dad’s advice. I like it and plan to put it to good use. 🙂
Elise
Thank you!!! I truly appreciate what you have so beautifully stated. I would also like to add the it is sometimes difficult to hear so many “experienced moms” tell me that I should enjoy it now while my kids are young because this is “the easy part–it really gets hard as the kids grow up.” I sometimes just want to throw my arms up and cry. Really, why bother going on when this feels so difficult to me at the time?
I too have three young kids and a husband with a demanding job. Yet I have to say that I am truly enjoying more aspects of motherhood more each day as my kids do grow up. They can get a glass of water for themselves, I don’t have to wipe their bottoms, they can do some of their homework on their own! Really, how many times must a mother repeat the first grade?!? And this past Christmas was wonderful as I was able to see them (for the first time during the holidays) really step outside of themselves and relish in the joy and surprises and gifts for those around them. Is it like this everyday: Heck No!!! Yet it was the best Christmas EVER for me as their mother and I do believe that I will see more of this good and EASY STUFF from my kids as they get older. And when it does seem tough I can look back through the pictures of their younger years with nostalgia and joy—partly to remind myself that we all managed to make it through those tough times and we will make through whatever the current challenge is too.
We have to know the bad and ugly to appreciate the good and beautiful. So sure, it will get more difficult in many ways as my kids age–I really do understand that, but I don’t need to be reminded of that nor do I need to be focused on that while it does seem rough. I want to look for the the good and the beautiful so I don’t miss it when it does comes.
Very well stated post! Thank you for your pure honesty and well stated words!!!
THANK YOU!! A friend shared this on facebook, and I’m so glad she did. I’m gonna’ do my best to be more aware of the kairos moments each day. Lord knows I have more enough of the others! (You have a BEAUTIFUL family!)
Thanks Glannon,
My kids are 17, 20 and 22 are studenst and still live at home. I recognize the story 200% 🙂
Like when my the 20 year old had the vase fallen over the table and the water hitting the laptop of the 22 year old. And then the 17 year old helped saving the school data on the laptop.
It is great time but we also cherish the quality time together 🙂
Regards,
Maarten, proud father of 1 boy and his 2 older girls
Brilliantly put! ~ thank you!
I am mom to 3 grown sons so I have a little experience here. I hope I’m not guilty of the carpe diem thing. While we have many wonderful moments Moms should not judge themselves as bad moms when they want a break from the tedious and the chaoticl My daughter-in-law and my son are raising their girls somewhat differently than I did, but who am I to say they’re wrong. I do suggest enjoying your kids all you can, but it certainly will not be every moment of every waking day. Great article by the way!
I tried to leave a reply from my phone but it spazzed out on me. SO if this is a double reply!! I WAS laying next to my precious lightly snoring 3 yr old princess “punzel” if you ask her. I was just too exhausted to get up. Then I saw a few “shares” about this post. Read it. Now I’m laying here in tears. PERFECTLY SAID! PERFECT. I totally agree. AND my husband and I had a 5 yr struggle just to get pregnant, so I have that added slice of guilt to add to the panic paranoid guiltiness. It’s very comforting to know I’m not alone. Thank you so much for sharing this. It really made me feel good to read it.
YES! I totally understand this constant “euphoric” expectation! I am still single (talk about people giving you advice…) and don’t have the constant duties of spouse and children, but no matter your life, things are not perfect. Acknowledging the imperfections, though, is not the same as a defeatist, pessimistic outlook. You take the good with the bad. Thank you for this post. I shall refer back to it with fresh eyes when I have kids someday =)
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Oh my, I just cried. We are fostering newborn twins right now (in addition to our 3 year old) and it has been mighty crazy. I often feel that I am not doing it “right”. Thanks for the insight!!
C.B. Grace – The fact that you are taking care of them IS doing it right. Only and amazing loving person could do that, and love is what they need. God Bless you!!
Darling, as a mother of twins I just wanted to say you are not alone. I remember hearing an article on the radio one night about sleep deprivation and parenting multiples. My twins were not babies anymore, but I really need to hear that article. It gave me permission for that first year being so hard. It would have helped if the other parents of twins I ran into didn’t just say “It is so fun to have twins,” but maybe added “it’s really hard isn’t it? It gets easier.” I remember thinking this is so hard, am I doing something wrong. I also did not have an older one to take care of at the same time. You are doing great! Carry on warrior!
With two kids on the spectrum, I hate the carpe people. Yes, I love my kids. No I do NOT treasure the moments when I’m having to explain to the people at the national zoo that the screaming child beside the fountain is fine- just-fine-really-please-go-away-if-you-touch-her-she’s-likely-to-lash-out. I do NOT treasure the deliberate bed wettings. (How do you know it’s deliberate? Because he pulled down his pants.) I love your distinction between Chronos and Kairos, and I think that’s something I actually CAN enjoy, too.
Love this! I absolutely can’t stand when I’m told SO OFTEN that I must “enjoy” my children “all the time” because “time goes so fast” etc etc. UGH!! Do they realize this is guilt inducing and very frustrating?! I feel I’m a good mom who loves my children to bits, but I do not “enjoy” every second…who enjoys every second of their life? Insane people maybe? Thank you for putting to words so well how I feel and for reassuring me that I’m completely normal – and that I’m on the right track as a mom…an honest mom.
I love this! So many times I call my sister just so we can commiserate about how hard it is. I have six kids (10 -7 months) and that has caused me to drastically change my idea of productive. Sometimes it is just when we all got dressed that day. My favorite comment was when a mom was watching me frantically try to pack groceries, keep an eye on the walking ones, and settle a crying baby. She asked me how many I had (5 at the time) and she replied that she had ten, and though it was busy, it was worth it. That is the kind of person I want climbing up the mountain behind me. Not someone who tells me that it will only get harder or that I should try to hold on to every moment.
I really loved your comparison to DH work. It is true that no one tells them to enjoy every moment, they are allowed the hard days. Thanks.
Perfect! Thanks for your insight and beautiful words. Rock on, sister – we’re all doing a great job!
I LOVE this article. Thanks so much for writing it. It expresses everything I feel.
um, I think I just fell in love with you for a minute.
Strange that these thoughts have been swirling in my head all day.
All I can think is you poor sweet young mommy’s with your sweet young babies.
You will be me in 10 years, and I won’t tell you I told you so, but I will have a bottle of tequila on hand, you know, just in case….
People see my 4 year old fraternal twins and say that they have grown up soo fast….. and I think and yet the days are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long……
This is officially my favorite article I have ever read on parenting. You nailed it, and I am printing it to save for years to come. Thank you. Carry on, warrior!
Yes. Yes. And yes. I especially dislike when people imply I could not really want a third when it is sometimes hard with two.
Thanks for the honest post, most appreciated. You nailed it.
What a breath of fresh air. Thanks for the honest post, really appreciated.
I am now the 53-year-old woman smiling at young parents, mine being grown–but I do it in support in their moment while fishing through my purse for a handknit fingerpuppet (made by a woman’s cooperative in Peru, not me, I’m too selfish a knitter to spend that kind of time on such a tiny thing and for how many I’d have to make. Instead, everybody wins.) I tell the parent, I had four kids in six years; I remember the days. And I hand the little animal or bird puppet to the parent to give to their kid. One for each kid if they have more and if I have more, which I try to. They’re very inexpensive and I buy them by the dozens.
One little puppet. Something new, something charming, something made by hand, something for imaginative play, a moment shared. Their kid is cute to me even when they’re screaming–and I am trying to pay it forward for every middle-aged person back in the day who really truly was supportive to this then-young mom struggling with her kids.
Awesome idea and example of how I, another 53 year old mom on the other side of parenting, can encourage my younger sisters. Love the way you are supporting moms here with the creative gift of a puppet and a brief moment of relief from the kid chaos, and those far away with the gift of buying their handwork. You have truly inspired me to be the right kind of cheerleader. Thank you!
I hope to meet other older moms like you…and be one when my children are all grown!! God bless you!!
Thank you, I really enjoyed your post and it gave a lot to think about.
AMEN!! I have 6 kids: 18, 16, 15, 15, 12 and 2. Many many days my words are “mommies not here…she ran away from home” and I truly wish in some of those moments that I really could run away. Thank you for your honest words about how HARD parenting can and is. Why is expressing how hard it is such a taboo subject?? The responses to this post show how, all too many of us, completely agree.
AMEN!! I have 6 kids living in the house: 18, 16, 15, 15, 12 and 2..I feel like I am constantly saying “mommy’s not here..she ran away from home” and some days really wishing I could run away! Thank you for your honesty, it seems such a taboo to say how HARD it is being a parent and you nailed it!!
This post is perfect. Not too sentimental, not too negative, just right. Love the analogy to Mt. Everest and the points about different time. Sometimes I hear mom’s saying if they have one good “moment” during the day then it was good, and I had a hard time relating, but the way you put it, made me realize I do relate. 🙂 Thanks again.
Oh, THANK YOU. I am hiding from my three right now (4,4,8). It’s been a five chocolates, no nap, thank God Dad came home early kind of day. What a blessing to read your post!
I love the Kairos moments, but live in the Kronos moments – my ED daughter hitting me because I told her to stop jumping on the couch; my oldest son desperately needing to to go back to school; and knowing my middle son will be up until after 9:30 just because!
If anyone reads down this far in the replies, could you please remember that it’s not just the little old ladies in the check out who do this? We do it to one another all the time – at the park, at the school, in the Target line… We need to be loving and kind to one another, too. If you see a mommy like me, struggling to keep her three monkeys in check, please remember to give me a “Warrior on, Momma!”
Warrior on, Momma! And thank The One that gave you those little monkeys 😉
THANK YOU!
This is so wonderfully, eloquently written.
As a mother of four kids (in 3 1/2 years), I hear this a LOT. I always smile and nod and remind myself what I WON’T say to other moms, even now.
Ditto Katie Hoyt! Exactly what I was goig to say: the chronos/kairos explanations will change the way I think about my time with my [one boy]. THANK YOU for this wonderful and honest post. I needed to hear this.
THANK. YOU.
I have never read your blog before but will now be back often. This post is PERFECT – exactly what I feel everyday as a Mom. I shared it on my FB page, and apparently, pretty much every other mom out there agrees too 🙂
Great post! 🙂 you made me cry!
What a wonderful post! I wrote something similar several months ago, but yours was much better. Here it is if you’re interested:
http://juliesmusicbrioso.wordpress.com/2011/05/10/parenting-happiness-lets-be-honest/
It’s like what my mom says, whenever I was a kid/teenager and I told my mom I hated her because I was angry about some silly thing she would just look at me and say then I must be doing something right. Every moment won’t be perfect, but some will and those are the moments we remember.
i’ve never been to your blog before. a friend sent me a link to this post, and i’m so glad she did. thank you for writing this. thank you, thank you.
I never comment on strangers blogs…BUT, the chronos/kairos explanations will change the way I think about my time with my 3 boys. THANK YOU for this wonderful and honest post. I needed to hear this.
Man, God did lead the way to this article for me. I have 2 boys, ages 8 & 9 (slightly less than a year apart). I remember when they were little. It. was. hard. There were days when none of us changed out of our pajamas. My youngest also has autism. He is somewhat higher functioning but still had and sometimes has meltdowns. Yeah, I ain’t carpe diem’ing no meltdowns, sister. Thank you for an enlightening and thought-provoking blog.
AMEN, sister. what a super kairos-y experience it was to read this. this was the exact issue, the “CHERISH THE MOMENT. it all goes by so fast” issue that propelled me into recording my first video blog. and after all the discussions that post motivated, i’m less angry at those ladies in the checkout line at the store. how are they ALWAYS there??
Oh my heavens!! I’ve recently come to terms with this very thing and am soooo much happier and less stressed for it, and I don’t feel so bad when there are parts of being Mom that drive me positively batty. Thank you for being honest and writing this for other mommas who need it.
God bless you!
FANTASTIC post! Felt like you went into my life and wrote about it. I have a few good moments, but I view parenting as the hardest job on the planet, on a GOOD day. I have three kiddos – an infant, toddler and tween. Egads, it’s work, and constant shifting from 1st to 5th gear in a matter of seconds. I told an older woman that I know that “everyone keeps telling me these are the best years, and I’m gonna miss them.” She looked at me squarely and frankly said “I raised four, and I don’t miss it. It had it’s good moments, but definitely glad I am done raising kids.” Or as you put it, ‘had parented’. LOL! Loved her honesty. 🙂 Great post!
I’m not a mother (though I wish I were, especially having read your honesty!), but at age 41 and a pastor and aunt, I can imagine that I would have similar feelings if I *were* a mom. Your words are beautiful — I read your entire blog entry (which I came across on facebook) aloud to my husband. It sounded like a beautiful, prophetic sermon that the world needs to hear. Thank you!
Love it! Especially when you say “cant even carpe 15 min” 🙂
Amen, sister. Can I just confess that this post literally made me cry? It’s like we’re the same. Which, of course, means that most of us normally functioning mothers are the same. Thank you one hundred times over for saying what we all feel. And thank you for making ME feel a little better about counting the moments until the day ends, and then looking in on those sweet, sleeping faces thinking there’s nothing better in the world. It’s a big, big mountain we’re climbing.
As one of the 39K treated to this post today, I just wanted to say “thank you.” I treasure my kids and my time at home with them….except, perhaps for the 80% of the time I spend breaking up wrestling matches, fights over toys, etc. Thanks for reminding us that no one loves their “job” all the time. Sometimes it is the destination and not the journey that matters.
You know what I love sometimes more than my kids?
Pictures of my kids. Photographs. Snapshots of them. Because THAT’s when I can look at them and appreciate them.
I LOVE this post. I do have four,b ut if we had a fifth I would welcome him/her with open arms and yet when I am at the library and no one is listening to my instructions, I think, “Man! I’ve totally got everything under control.”
Thank you…I thought I was the only one who got panicky at the thought of letting EVERY moment slip through my hands without a full celebration of each one. I love the phrase, “I love having parented” It fits me so well.
So honest and true…my children are growing into the stage where for the most part they can do things for themselves. My oldest is 16 and now I have to face the terrifying fact that he will soon be driving on his own. The other two are 10 and 7. I have to say that I enjoyed the youngest one as toddler the best, but I do not miss he toddler years at all. I enjoyed them at moments and now I’m glad they’re done. I can look back and say “yes, I enjoyed parenting a toddler.” Did I enjoy every moment? No, I did not. I cringed every time a diaper needed changed, food needed cleaned off of the wall, floor, and side of the high chair. Bath time was not fun after having to clean most of the water off of the floor and bedtime wasn’t always “lay-me-down” It was more like “Don’t get up one more time!” Still have that with my 7 year old. Yes it’s been stressful and still is…but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It must be the challenge that keeps us mothers climbing the mountain and not always enjoying every moment. Thank you for letting us all know that it’s okay not to have to have that perfect, feel good life that we see in magazines, tv, and stores!