Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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2,618 Comments
That is good!! Incredible poise in a moment of clarity. You have summed up the deepest yearnings of a parent who is honest. We have those days, all that you described, just with two instead of three. We had a Karios night tonight and I’m still euphoric about it. I hope that I can remember these moments, especially the details like dancing with my wife in the kitchen to a nice song then our 7-month old son punching the Leap Frog to change the tune to “she’ll be coming around the mountain”. Not the dance I had anticipated, but a Karios moment all the same. Thank you God! As we chuckled and slow danced the love intensified within me for the family God blessed us with. You have a beautiful family; keep sharing your thoughts.
Because I have four daughters, I always get the oh just wait until they are teenagers. I hate it! not only ate they assuming that my girls are going to be crazy but they are blatenly saying they are pro male not female.
Having 4 girls myself, I get that a lot too. It truly leaves a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach every time because, the truth is, I really have NO clue what it will be like. Hormones can be nasty little buggers. I can’t imagine the damage X 4 every month! BUT I am a woman and I have learned a trick or two about self control, prayer, medicinal nutritian, and living in Gods love. That should be just enough to get through those “teen years” I think…bring em on!
i totally agree! i get so annoyed. why do we have to assume it’s going to be horrible? if you tell a kid they are goin gto be a pain in the ass as a teen… they will try to live up to that, right? maybe i am just grossly optimistic but i know plenty of teens that are nice and helpful… and not horrible! to those people, i just smile. i say nothing. except in my head i say ‘oh you are so wrong’
Carry on, brave warrior! I am proud to march beside you in the trenches of motherhood. Thanks for putting words to the “real” I often feel.
Thank you for writing such a truthful piece. I could not agree more. I have 3 kids now and also think why do I think I should have more when it’s hard now. Then I think, heck what’s another one after three!
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AMEN!!!! I found it on facebook, I reposted it myself, and I will be a follower. Several years ago I canceled subscriptions to several parenting magazines because I just couldn’t take the happiness and over achievement of it all. It wasn’t REAL. This is real. The kairos when you see just how much they grew as they lay asleep on top of the homework with good grades…next to the chronos of spilled chocolate milk leaking onto the said homework and child. 🙂 Thank you for being truthful about the real life beauty of motherhood.
Wow. What a beautiful post. Being a new mom and trying to get through the struggles of adjusting to this new life and new role, it’s so hard sometimes to admit to others that “Hey, this is hard”. Because it truly is. You’ve really summed it up perfectly. Thank you for this, on a day when I needed it very badly.
~Amy
You literally took the words straight out of my heart, mind and mouth. I agree. Everyone else is allowed a bad day/week/month/job – why not a mother? I also have three and am hoping for four, although I feel like people look at me and think, “If she is so haggard, tired and wanting of a vacation, why another?” I am deciding more and more to live my family life for me and for us, and what you are saying is so validating to me. Thank you! You guys are beautiful and I know you’re doing a wonderful job!
Amen sister!
I loved your post; it spoke to me in the most direct way, and frankly, I owe you big for the freedom of mind it has allowed me since I read it! Early on parenting my two girls…now 3 1/2 and 18 months, I would think “if you don’t think parenting is hard, you’re not trying hard enough.” It’s hard but so so worth the effort. Thanks for doing what you do!
umm…. words cannot express how much i feel exactly like this every.single.day.
THANK YOU!
This is the first time I’ve read your blog… And it only took me about 11 trips back and forth to the computer! (I have four children, so I’m sure you can catch my drift as to why I couldn’t get through it in one attempt.) It was definitely worth the read… It was like you were inside my head. But as I read about the little old ladies, I thought, “It’s not really their fault. Their children obviously drove them to the point of insanity and that’s why they don’t remember how awful being a parent can feel at times!” HA! And, if given the choice to throw them or myself from the mountain, there are times I might choose to jump and let that dear little old lady spend 24 hours with my hellions, err, I mean fabulous babies and see if that triggered any young mother memories for her!
Seriously though, our children are wonderful blessings and I’m honored to be their mama, but yes, it’s work… Down and dirty, nitty-gritty work! Just yesterday, my husband came home and was fed up with our almost 2-year old son within a matter of minutes. “Sure, go ahead and play in the bathroom. I don’t care.” Our son took full advantage. Toilet bowl brush in hand and the toilet seat flipped up, he went to town! this then resulted in me, yes ME, throwing the kid in the bathtub for the 2nd time that day. It was only about 11:30 in the morning.) I then attempted to finish my task of getting ready for the day. I say “task” because we all know what a chore it becomes when you have kids. Now, our 8 month old is throwing a fit because she too, wants to have a SECOND bath. In my irritated brain, I’m thinking, “Where the HECK is my husband?” Ya know, the one who helped make them… Yeh, that guy. He’s on the phone, with his buddy, chattin’ about their next golf adventure… So, I proceed to take the little guy out of the bathtub, get him dressed, only to find him moments later grabbing the toilet brush AGAIN and now wiping down our bathroom floor with it. One might question why the toilet brush was iwithin his reach again. And to that I would explain that I hadn’t yet had the chance to finish phase one of cleaning up the toilet mess before I’d moved onto phase two and three. So, there ya have it… One harmless, “I give up moment” for my husband has now turned into a cleanup on aisle 4, 7 and 12 for me. But yes, I did manage to find a Kairos moment or two with my little people and even my hubby yesterday. It’s important to find those reminders and that is what keeps me going at this day in and day out!
BRAVO to you for your honesty and your perspective! Keep on keepin’ on, mama!
I am a new follower of yours and iIave to say that this has to be one of the most beautiful, inspiring, well written posts I have ever read. I love it. All. I’ve bookmarked it so I can actually come back and read it again. Thank you SO much for writing this. You are not being negative, you are being truthful. And as a fellow momma there is nothing more beautiful than when another momma is truthful about her feelings. It makes me feel understood. Less alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you for a great post. I have just had one of those days where I waited and waited for bedtime. I also had moments of joy but I felt like the burden and hard work just overcame the good. It was nice to read a post that is true to parenting, and that does not make me feel like a bad mom and a bad person. This actually made me feel normal.
Thanks again so much.
I saw this circulating on Facebook and am so glad I read it. Thank you for putting your sentiments– my sentiments exactly — to such beautiful words. I will forward it on to other parent friends in the trenches.
Girl, you just got a new subscriber out of this… I have often (and somewhat shamefully) thought that my favorite time with my kids is when they are sleeping! Thank you for giving us the kairos vs. chronos language to describe this complex life we lead. And for dishing out some much needed honesty and grace…
Girl, you just got a new subscriber out of this post. SO TRUE! I have often (and somewhat shamefully) said that my favorite moment with my children is when they are sleeping! I like the language that you gave us – the kairos vs. chronos time. Thanks for spewing out some much needed grace…
Thank you for this wonderful and so true post!
This is simply beautiful. You nailed it. I can’t wait to print it out and read it every day. Thank you for the encouragement. Can’t wait to start speaking Kairos tomorrow.
SQUEE! This is fantastic. Thank you!
It reminds me of the opening line of a really great book: “Life is difficult.”
It is. It IS.
And sometimes–with kids, aging parents and other folks that need caregiving- the days last longer than the years. But it’s so much healthier to accept where you are in the now than project yourself into some rose-colored future and beat yourself up over not being Polly Perfectly Positive today.
I read this blog post (shared by a friend on Facebook) while in the Walmart parking lot of all places. We had just pulled up in front of the store. The kids were quietly enjoying the last few minutes of Tangled in the back seat and I decided to revel in the peace and check my phone. I sat there knowing that as soon as I shut the car off we’d be back to the usual chaos and noise and having to be the mean mom that says no to everything. I could hear the chorus of “can we eat McDonald’s while we’re here,” “I don’t want to ride in the cart,” and “are we getting cookies – but dad got cookies last time we were here,” and more.
So – I sat, caught up and Facebook and came to your post. I read it to then end wiping tears from eyes along the way. Thank YOU for putting what you, me and so many other mom’s feel and rarely express adequately into words so well. While you may not have enjoyed the writing, I am glad that you have written. I look forward to following your blog and hearing what else you have to say as well as reading your past posts! Thanks again!!
Thank you!!! thank you!!! Thank you!!!
What a beautiful post. It has resonated with so many of us. Thank you!
This is perfect. 2 hours until bedtime!
http://www.mdhutsell.blogspot.com/2011/09/eucharisteo.html Yep….I wrote the same blog post as you a few months back! (Not as eloquently…but the same! 🙂 So, I shout a LOUD AMEN! Melissa.
OH my gosh, this was perfect! I also am one of those moms who struggle and hear around me people saying “enjoy it all…every day” etc, etc but life is hard, being a mom is HARD! Great post!
I like your style. Read this and held in tears as I sit waiting for my kid at the orthodontist. He’s getting headgear today. On the way here I was thinking, “there is no way I’m making my 11 year old take his headgear with him to 5th grade camp. I know it can slow his teeth straightening process but come on! Seriously? Yes I’d like him to slow down on the whole want to be a teenager already and stay innocent . . . But headgear?! That’s socially traumatizing!”. Was feeling like the bad mom, the mom that cares what people think mom, but ur post reminded me I’m a normal mom! Thanks from one normal mom to another!
With all due respect for the sweet old lady and her the memories of her difficult life that have perhaps been mellowed by time, she has forgotten about the difficulty of raising the next generation just like she has forgotten the the true pain of childbirth (not that I am claiming, as a man, to know anything about the magnitude of it). These lapses in memory are the exact things that allow the human race to continue.
The women (and fathers) who to the best of their ability dedicate their lives to raising their children to be responsible members of society deserve the highest honor.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for writing this. This is exactly what I needed to hear! I was laughing and crying at the same time. You rock!
Thank you for telling the truth. While it is impossible to LOVE every moment (seriously, I’m supposed to just love cleaning up poopy potty training messes?) I definitely can carpe moments every day. 🙂
I am a mother of three children in their 30s and grandmother to seven. I am truly blessed. However, whenever I go to a baby shower, i always tell the Mom to be that being a mother is the hardest job she will ever do. Mothering is hard, never ending and most of it is out of your control. When I see Moms struggling with little ones in Target or grocery lines, I usually ask God to help them get through the day. Children are wonderful gifts and it is a priviledge to be a mother. And I wish I had paid more attention to the Kairos moments. And yes, in retrospect the years went too fast but I also remember that some days went way too slow.
I would do it again in a heartbeat.
beautiful post, so well thought out and totally true and meaningful ! Thank you
Thank you so much for sharing this. I enjoyed it! Every day that I want to crawl back into bed rather than going into work, I think about how it will feel like only 5 minutes have passed and I’ll be back home that evening, wondering what to make for dinner. Some days, though, the chronos minutes kick your butt and you feel every one of them.
My kids are 12 and nearly 15 now. I remember the young years fondly, which is probably why the older moms seem to have a selective memory. My own mom just laughs when I moan about my 14-year-old daughter…and reminds me of what I was like at that age.
My kairos moments now are when I realize myself, or someone else comments, on what amazing young people I have. It really does tend to make the chronos moments fade into only slightly frustrating memories.
I love this post! Thank you for your thoughts. I like differentiating between types of time. I’ve been having the same feelings lately about those comments from well-meaning ladies. Thanks again- this has brightened my day.
This is amazing. As a mom of 7.5 month old twins and a 6 year old… I thank you.
You, my friend, are a warrior-mama I wish I could meet at Starbucks so I could entertain your kids for a few minutes while you had some mama kairos time. I am going to Carpe this post, print it and read it while I count down some chronos 3 hours before bedtime. Thank you wise lady.
Having sturggled with infertility and all it’s unfairness, I have to say, “Thank you” for telling the truth. I dreamed of being a mom for a decade before our first adoption was finalized this past November. And now that I’ve been doing it for almost a year, I admit there are days when I collapse, weeping with guilt, because I sometimes don’t enjoy being a parent. There are times when all I want is for my son to go to bed so I can relax. I want him to stop screaming. I want him to be able to speak so I can figure out what the HECK he wants. And the whole time I know exactly how lucky I am, but I think there must be something wrong with me because I don’t have enough patience, enough ideas, enough strength to make it through this moment. Thank you, thank you, thank you for minding everyone that parenting is not always fun. But it’s what we signed on for, and there’s nothing wrong with admitting that sometimes it sucks.
I love this post and you hit the nail on the head… especially w/ the time moments.
Thank you for this post, I will remember it and not feel so guilty the next time I am anxiously awaiting bed time 🙂
Amen and amen. Loved this.
Awesome! I don’t have kids, but I know from Facebook posts about illnesses, behavior issues, etc that it’s isn’t all a party. And there are SO MANY people who try to insist that it is. As a society we seem to think that if we’re not happy 100% of the time, we’re failures. It just isn’t so!
I’m a hospice veterinarian. I go to people’s houses and put their pets to sleep for them. It’s heartbreaking. It’s painful. Sometimes I just come home and cry. But it’s worth it because I can help a suffering animal and the people suffering with them. And when a client calls or emails to say that I made one of the worst days of their life eaiser?…..well…Kairos!
Thank you for your honesty and your excellent writing – you sure gave me a chuckle tonight 🙂
Cherie Buisson, DVM
Lap of Love Veterinary Hospice
Absolutely beautifully written! You took the half-formed thoughts right out of my head. I especially loved the concepts of the duality of time. Great thoughts.
It does not bother me when people remind me to enjoy the Kairos moments. What does bother me is when older mothers or grandmothers forget the Chronos moments and issue the judging comments or eyes. I can use a reminder sometimes when I am slugging through the rough days to open up my eyes and remember how lucky I am to be the mother of my little gal, to reflect on those breathtaking moments when I am feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. But I don’t like it when people aren’t real about how challenging it can be or glorify their own parenting style, forgetting the challenges they themselves went through. And I don’t like it when people invalidate my feelings about those challenges by telling me what I “should” feel. Both of those things push my buttons! I enjoyed reading your thoughtful post! I really appreciated the comparison to an out of the home work day and the way you challenged the expectation that parenting is “supposed” to be more fun than work.
What an inspiring article. You articulated so well exactly what runs through my thoughts each day. I alternate between frustration and gratitude . . . and guilt for being frustrated when I should be grateful. . . and on and on. I also have a fear that I should enjoy this stage and age more (my son is 9, my daughter turns 7 next week) – I should take more pictures and videos, I should save their writing assignments and artwork. I also believe that raising kids is HARD – so much harder than I thought it would be. I think being a mom comes a more naturally to some women and – like my own mom – I am not one of those women. And of course it’s rewarding – it’s in those brief, little moments (and I love that you call them kairos – I’m totally using that from now on) that make me feel like this is right and good and I’m a good mom and they will turn out okay. Anyhoo, thank you for this thoughtful piece. I agree wholeheartedly. 🙂
You r a talented writer. Well done.
Beautiful post and amazing insight. Thank you for encouraging all of us Mamas to keep on keeping on – but without the guilt!!
Beautiful post, amazing insight. Thank you for sharing and encouraging all of us Mamas to keep on keeping on — without the guilt!
Thanks for such a beautifully worded and honest post. My friends and I discuss how often parents just aren’t fully honest about life with children for fear of looking “bad” in the eyes of society. If people could have more open and honest discussions, such as you have done, we’d all feel more content and capable as parents. You have such a beautiful family.
This is AWESOME! I found your article to be very honest and positive. Kudos to you for not sugarcoating that parenting is hard. If the Facebook posts I read everyday are any indication, parenting can be a nightmare.
I’m a hospice veterinarian who does in-home euthanasia. It’s heartbreaking. It’s difficult. There are days when I just come home and cry. But knowing that I gave my all to help people and pets who are suffering makes it all worthwhile. And when someone writes to tell me how I made one of the worst days of their life easier?….Well……..Kairos!
I don’t have children, but I admire parents like you who admit it’s hard and painful but worth it. And I really appreciate you busting the myth that you have to be happy all the time to be normal. Life is as much about the unhappy as the happy. It’s how you handle the unhappy that defines your character 🙂
Keep up the good work 🙂
Cherie Buisson, DVM
Lap of Love Veterinary Hospice
Sorry about the double post. I got an error and thought my comment was never put up!
Cherie
As one who has ran the race and survived and now reaping the benefits of grandparenting, here is my advice: parenting is hard, never ending, always there, work. How you react to the ups and downs will greatly determine your endurance on this journey. If you have set your expectations too high, you will fail (and so will your children). I have worked with children and families in ministry and other settings for over 25 years. People ask how do I see the good and not get disappointed by people (kids)? Easy. I have no predetermined expectations….thus I am always pleasantly surprised. Life is a wonderful roller coaster, learn to roll with it. Now this does not mean do not plan or prepare ( 25 years in emergency services for both me and my spouse we always have plans a-z in our pocket), I mean stop sweating the small stuff. Why is grand-parenting so different than parenting? We have finally learned that 95% of the stuff is small stuff.
Do keep the end in mind. Your goal as a parent. Haven’t thought that far? Well you best take a moment to look into the future. Keep you goal general and realistic. It is not about planning a path for you children (that is their job) it is about giving them the tools to lay their own path. I love being the parent of adult children, because now I get to see the fruits my labors have born. I get to watch as they are making their own paths in this world.
My goal was to raise my children to be healthy, competent, caring adults that give back more to society than they take form it. That’s it, very generic.
Give them roots, they will find the wings.
BTW: If you think raising preschoolers is the hard part……watch out, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet! As I was counseling a young mom (kids ages 6 1/2, 8,9,10), she was upset because she thought parenting would be easy by now….oops, the hard part is just starting!
Shalom to all.
I’ve never read your blog, but a friend on FB posted the link and I was intrigued. I do not have kids yet, but I thought your post was beautiful and honest. I’m saving it for future reference as I’m sure I’ll need it!
Just wanted to say, as a father of a three month old who is a very challenging sleeper, I greatly enjoyed this essay. I think the concepts you discuss with regard to time and enjoyment of this part of our lives will help me find peace as my wife and I adjust to our role and its challenges. Also, you’re an excellent writer – both clear and concise, but with heart. That’s a rare combo.
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I loved reading your post. I have actually never thought about that, but it makes me feel so much better.
I have 5 children- 9, 8, 6, 3, and 1, and have had many of the same comments in stores, etc. – also I can’t count how many ‘you’ve got your hands full!’ Thanks for summing up exactly what has bothered me about the “You’re going to miss these days” comments. Amen to your wonderful post. loved every word. You have a beautiful family. Keep writing!
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A week after delivering my twins that were 7 weeks early (one with a very large birth defect) I found myself at home alone and attaching this painful breast pump to me every three hours (day or night) while my babies resided in the NICU. I distinctly remember going to my OB (in tears) and crying though out the time I was there. I told him that something was drastically wrong with me. I had two babies. I should be happy. No- I should be ecstatic! It was then that he kindly patted my hand and said, “Oh, no. There’s nothing wrong with you. Parenting isn’t fun- it’s hard work.”
Amazed, I mentioned my OB’s comment to my daughter’s pediatrician when she came home. I just couldn’t believe that the very man who encouraged me to HAVE children was the same man telling me some mystic truth about the labors of parenting. To my utter astonishment- the Pediatrician agreed! He told me that he and his wife would often look up at each other in the first weeks after each of their children was born and say, “What were we thinking?!”My PEDIATRICIAN- the man who has dedicated his LIFE to children.
It was then that I realized that my expectations for being a parent were not at all realistic. It was an “Ah-ha” moment. And this blog post was also an “Ah-ha” moment. It’s all about the little moments.
As a ‘mommy-to-be’ this was very encouraging post and sets a good reminder. Thank you – if it was easy, wouldn’t everyone do it? “Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.”
🙂
You hit it right on the nail! I love the realism on this topic.. The writing style as well. The climb is hard and there will always be trials and tribulations in raising your kids and in life period.. But the climb is worth it!..The unforgettable moments that take your breath away..Priceless! Thank you..
Amen. Amen. Amen. Thank you for saying it. I know exactly what you mean and agree 100%.
I enjoyed reading your post. Don’t listen to the negative comments. The best thing you can do for you, your husband and your children is be real. Recognize your thoughts and feelings, process them in a healthy way, show your husband how hard you work at it and try your best, set your kids up with a healthy expectation of what being a parent is. These are all GREAT things.
i LOVE this! i always feel bad when i say that parenting is hard (and i only have one)..because whenever i say that around somebody else they always have to say, but it such a joy, blessing, etc.. and while yes i know it is why cannot i just it is hard and leave it at that? thank you for the great post, it is exactly what i needed to hear!!
I love when i find someone else who feels the same way I do. Parenting is so difficult if you are doing it right. If you think it’s easy then something isn’t right there. I often feel like I am too hard on my boys but if I don’t stay on top of them they are insane. Thanks for sharing this! I just love it & could not agree more!
do feel you are very dramatic, and over exaggerate for a good read/blog….and have witnessed the majority of kids in stores that have not acted like yours…..but next time I see a mom with kids acting like yours I will be sure to tell her how obnoxious I think they are and how I am sure she looks like she needs a nap and a nanny…… no more compliments……..because now I know how this generation of moms with unruley kids really feel…..please be sure not to sit by a couple in a restaurant trying to carry on a converstion ……and I think it would be a great idea to have a mom’s, with children, only checkout line enclosed in padded walls….just sayin
Wanda, you are clearly NOT a Monkee, just sayin’. This is a blog for people who want to make other’s feel better, more understood….at first I thought this must not be the right place for you but then I realized maybe you need to see more of how LOVE WINS and how we are here for each other. Stick around with an open heart. I find that people will quickly dismiss your comments when they lack consideration or kindness…and bad punctuation and lack of spell check. Just sayin’.
Do you have kids?
Why would you leave such a comment? Ever heard the phrase “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say it at all”. This is one you should consider.
Or, you could mind your own business and say nothing. I do believe that it was the older generation that came up with “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”
Wanda please check out this section of the blog.
Sorry, can’t seem to get the link to post.
https://momastery.com/blog/who-are-the-monkees-of-the-momastery/
and if that link does not work check out the Monkee (R)evolution section,
Thank you for this. I am reading and re-reading, and reading the comments, with tears in my eyes. I said the VERY same thing in a conversation just yesterday. There is much, much freedom in these words. So. Thank you for sharing them.
Wow! I think we are soul mates. Thank you for this. Thank you for the freedom that these truths bring to us weary mommas out there! I get those old lady comments all the time and always when we are at a store and the kids are insane and everyone wonders why in the world I had so many (3) when I can’t control even a one of them? : )
I am with ya, sister. I love ya for this post! I will be sharing this with every momma I know! Thank you!
May I offer a little perspective from the “little old lady with her hand over her heart”? Parenting is, without a doubt, the hardest job in the world. But it is not an exact science, it is trial and error, it doesn’t come with a guide book. You do the best you can—you will make mistakes and you will have some moments of brilliance—-this I know.
We are your Mothers and Grandmothers of your children. When I see you with a cranky, misbehaving toddler I see myself 30-40 years ago. There is so much I could tell you. Just know this–don’t beat yourself up….breath through the frustrations, enjoy the special moments because the day will come (and believe me, it will happen sooner than you realize) when that cranky toddler will have 2 or 3 of her own. And when you see what a great Mom she is, you can be proud that your “best” was better than you ever thought it was. This I know.
Thank you for your wisdom, Nonnie. You made me cry! How eloquent and heartfelt. I appreciate your words.
I love this. So often I am in the store with my 4 (all under age 6) and an older woman will come up to me and say, “I hope you are cherishing this time with them!” I don’t cherish the midnight accidents or the crayon on the walls or the self made hair-do’s, scissors and all… but I do cherish THEM. My babies. My loves.
Very well said, thank you!
Wow!!! You have so eloquently put into writing the same thoughts I have tried so many times to convey to people, including my own mother who seems to only remember the good times in raising her kids! Thank you so very much for the confirmation and the clarity. Here’s to as many Kairos moments we can get!
A hearty Amen!
Thank you. I needed this. I think many other mommies do too!
wow! this is the first post i’ve read of yours, and i must say first: THANK YOU. for writing it. for saying it. for putting it out there for the world to see. for not hiding.
2nd, you are a great writer. i really enjoyed the writing style as well as the content.
i’ve had many moments like those you describe – the mountain-climbing moments of motherhood, that is. less so the Time stops because life is so beautiful moments… but the ones i have had i do remember, fondly, gratefully.
since having my own child, my heart goes out to those mothers in store check-out lines (and everywhere) who are having a less than ‘perfect’ day. i still don’t know what to say to them but i do feel for them, cuz half the time, that’s me and mine.
sorry not making much sense here- sleep deprivation etc. but thank you for that beautiful writing of the not so beautiful moments as well as the ones that take our breath away.
Just want to say thank you for this. I think you must have read my mind.
Wow I loved this- thanks for the honesty and encouragement!!
When I see harried parents, usually one parent outnumbered by several screaming/thieving/attacking children, I give them a smile and, if possible, I say one thing:
It gets better.
Because it does! Someday the kids stop throwing a temper tantrum when you say no to the ridiculous cartoon-covered cereal. Someday they grow up enough that you can (thank god) leave them home alone while you shop. And then, wow! Someday they’re old enough that you can send them out for milk while YOU stay home! 🙂 Naturally there are many other great moments, but those are the ones I think of when I see the parent trying to wrestle two children with one hand while pushing the cart with the other and using a third hand to grab food while a fourth hand puts back the “other” foods selected by the children and a fifth hand…wait, they are well out of hands by this point!
Ah yes, when my husband comes home from teaching high schoolers at the alternative school and says they don’t want to learn, I most definitely don’t tell him to enjoy it! 😉 There are the little moments though, those are worth it! 🙂 Thanks!
This is the first post I’ve ever read of yours and I’m certain I’ll be a regular visitor from now on. I’ve been doing a fair amount of thinking on this same subject and couldn’t agree with you more. The pressure from ourselves as mothers is enough – we don’t need it from others, too. So thank you. For the laugh, the honesty and for a new blog to read!
A woman after my own heart! I wrote about just this phenomenon last year: http://talkbirth.me/2011/07/14/youll-miss-this/
Oh, I LOVE it. Chronos & Kairos. THAT is how I will get through the rough patches!
LOVE this!
I was in Walmart recently with my daughter (5) and son (3). My son was screaming at the top of his lungs. This sweet little old lady came up to me and said “You will make it. I promise.” What a refreshing thing for her to say! I just knew she was going to tell me to enjoy it, that one day I would miss pushing a cart full of kids around Walmart. But no, she understood and encouraged me.
That’s the kind of sweet older mom I hope I remember to be. I hope I remember that it can be hard and frustrating but that the kairos moments are the ones we will cherish. But I hope I remember and can be someone who can encourage one who is along the way.
Or the ladies who say, ohhhh doesn´t time flies??? mmmmm nooooo, it has not flown for me, as a matter of fact it goes very slowly, even more from 7 to 8pm
yes, i agree with you, it is very difficult to be a good mom, and i think we try very hard to be perfect moms because we love our children so much we want them to be so happy, and have the perfect childhood, so we make a veryyy very big effort to be good, patient, creative, healthy, well informed moms, but we are not perfect, and the children aren´t perfect either (well they are) so yes, this thing called parenting is by far the most difficult thing and the most rewarding thing ever.
Couldn’t even get halfway through this before I just had to tell you- thank you!! You have just spelled out everything I’ve been thinking for the past two years. I adore my kids. I actually need to be a stay at home mom at my core. But my GOD, it is so hard. And I worry all the time that im so caught up in how hard it is that I’m not enjoying it enough. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not alone in these feelings. I appreciated every word!
These words need to be screamed from the rooftop of every mama blog out there. These words of your are awesome. Encouraging. Truthful. Loving. Helpful. Kind. Thank you for sharing them.
I definitely needed this! Thanks for putting what many mothers feel so eloquently into words! I’m a stay-at-home momma with only two…two girls…I’m lucky. I’m sure if I had 3 or 4 boys like most of my friends, I’d surely be more insane than I am now!
Thank you for this post…and next time you’re sitting on the couch after the kids are in bed (and really asleep not just plotting their escape to the downstairs to pester you) soaking in some quality TV time, raise that glass of wine in the air and hear my “Cheers”!
I love this and after almost 21 years in the parenting trenches I can say I totally agree with it. And I thank you for giving all of us permission not to feel guilty for thinking parenting is not always fun and for wishing kids (teenagers) would grow up and get out of the house already! I also love your story or the all-too-rare bystander who understands instead of judges. Once a woman in front of us at Mass turned around at the end (the three preschoolers had been difficult), gave me a hug, and said, “It gets easier.”
Exactly!!
wow – these are my thoughts exactly! i spend so much time feeling guilty for not enjoying every single moment to the maximum and i get told weekly the same message of Carpe Diem by every nostaligic, well meaning, parent of adults while my three monkeys are acting exactly as you described. thanks for making me cry and laugh out loud at the same time with your honesty. you given me food for thought.
I’ve read so many blog posts about parenting young children, and I just wanted to say that you knocked it out of the park. This is seriously the best written, most poignant, most dead-on honest and heartfelt description of mothering I’ve ever encountered. Thank you for your beautiful words.
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I loved this – it’s as if you took my thoughts and arranged them and wrote them. My own mother was with me over Thanksgiving and one day when my kids (age 8 and 4) had been tag-teaming me all day to the point that I was literally in tears, she gave me the line, “you need to enjoy this time with them, because they grow up so fast”. When I said they were making me a little crazy today, she told me that my sister and I had NEVER made her crazy . . . yeah. When I was growing up, it was still the era that if the kids were bugging momma, you’d get told to go play outside and not come back in until the street lights came on or until you were called in for supper. If she didn’t live an entire country away, she could be around them more often.
Guilty. I use Carpe Diem all the time. I preach it. I’m one of those people. But you have opened my eyes to a new clock. Thanks for this and for your sweet description of that moment with your little one. What a beautiful family you have! Thanks for sharing your heart.
Libby Lu
You’re so right. Parenting is HARD and very rarely appreciated. Our kids can treat us like a maid, an annoyance, an obstacle, and occasionally, a loved one. They can turn what should have been a fun activity into a difficult, frustrating experience. It’s not all fun, it’s not all pleasant, and sometimes it just plain stinks. Comments like the ones you describe make me feel the same way. Just adds to the mom guilt. I’ve never thought of the beautiful moments as kairos … but I’m going to from now on. Thank you! I do sometimes look at my daughter and see how beautiful she is … and she responds with “What are you looking at?” But I still notice. And I tell her what I’m looking at. Or there are times when I remember that she is a being with an eternal soul, and I get to nurture that young soul … what a privelage! (kairos!) And I get why you’d want to add to your load … because it’s worth it. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy, or pleasant, or anything but worth it! Hang on … that’s my best advice for mountain climbing OR parenting!
You have hit the nail on the head!! Whatever our situation in life may be, we could all use a little less of the guilt that carpe diem induces! And I love the kairos time thing! I’m going to keep that in mind too! Thank you! Thank you!
Thank you for writing this. It IS hard. I feel that way more often than not. I feel so guilty for it b/c I love my two babies. They are incredible, but at bedtime, I’m so ready for some quiet and not to be touched or screamed at or pulled on or messed with or to take another request. I love seeing the people that they are becoming though. They are growing quickly and they are accomplishing new things pretty much daily. It is priceless to be able to see it all.
Wow. Just wow. I feel like you took out my soul and put it down on paper. Well not paper, because this is a blog, but ykwim. Hell yeah sister. Hell yeah. Preach on. That was AMAZING. Thank you for sharing that. Hell yeah.
Thank you for this. You have written what I feel.
I remember once in church when I had three little ones under the age of five and the baby was crying, the two-year-old kept trying to climb under the kneeler and the five-year-old was whiny and recalcitrant, that a sweet, older woman in the pew behind me smiled and beamed, “Oh, I remember those days fondly.” And I thought, “Well you may remember them fondly, but you don’t remember them well; because I am losing my religion trying to be in church with these three.” Having said that, the days do go by so swiftly and now I am grandmother to two with one more on the way. So enjoy what you can, when you can and take each day as it comes. One point: the writer you reference was a “she” not a “he.” It was Dorothy Parker who said, “I hate writing. I love having written.” As a writer, I heartily concur.
Well said. Someone once told me: “The days drag on but the years fly by.” It’s the truest piece of parenting advice I ever received. Hang in there!
THANK YOU! Just wanted you to know that God just used you as an arrow in my daily battle! I’ve felt under attack for a LOOOOONG time now and this helped me to put some of it to words……may you be richly blessed in your ministry to the mommas of the world!
[…] have never been, yet rooted to something bigger and stronger and greater than me. Stumbling upon a blog post by a complete stranger. That whole part about “Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she […]