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Great post loved this and needed this right now. The idea that happiness should be in every moment is driving me nuts right now. Enjoy it when it comes along but don’t worry if it only emerges every now and then. Your kids won’t notice trust me.

Oh thank god it’s not just me! I spent a not inconsiderable amount of time feeling guilty that I really look forward to bed time, that I’m not appreciating the time I have with my daughter, that I’m a rubbish mother because I don’t love every single moment of it.

I frequently return to this post or share it with friends having kids, etc. I love it. But I will say the other day, I was in the check-out lane at Target when my son decided to have a tantrum that involved hitting, kicking, trying to steal a bottle of soap and throwing it on the floor when I apprehended him before he could run out the door, and all that was going through my head (other than, “When will this stop?”) was “This feels just like that Momastery essay where her kids are being crazy in the check-out lane and the woman tells her to enjoy every moment!” And then a part of me just wanted to laugh. Thanks for your wonderful writing.

Thanks, I have been searching for information about this topic for ages and yours is the best I’ve located so far.

I loved this piece! My children are 24, 27, 32, and 35. I had wonderful moments raising them and continue enjoying them…and our 17 month old grandson, too! Your explanation of chronos time and kairos time is so true! I hope you are still finding joy whenever you can!

That is really interesting, You’re a very skilled blogger. I have joined your rss feed and sit up for in quest of more of your great post. Additionally, I’ve shared your website in my social networks

I just found your blog this am thru a link from Hollywood Houswive. I have tears streaming down my face as i write this:; your writing has struck deep down and feels like a relfection of how i often feel. I want to be kind to the mommy in the line. I so looked forward to bedtime when my now 20 year old was little. Life IS hard. But oh those beautiful time stopping moments make it worth it.
Keep writing. God has given you a beautiful gift. Ill keep reading.

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I don’t do mom’s groups because of this reason. I stopped the pretending a long time ago and realized that if I can’t be honest about how very hard this parenting this is then, I wasn’t meant to be there. Instead, I joined Celebrate Recovery and when I share in groups that today, or this week was a hard parenting week, there are rules that keep others from commenting back. Rules that say however you feel, it’s okay to be real. I love that!

I’m a mom of 2 little ones, 5 and 2. My older girl is a very loud little angel and my boy is wreckage on wheels, and although I can easily admit that SOME things about parenting are hard, I feel sad when I hear these sorts of laments. And I do hear them a lot. I actually have started trying not to surround myself with parents who do this. I AM enjoying most of my parenting moments, sometimes even the hard ones. And I don’t appreciate being told that I’m not being honest when I say this. I get cranky and have hard days too, but it’s forgotten so quickly because of the abundance of joy. You can choose your perspective, is the glass half full or empty?a

I think that instead of aiming to just be OK with feeling like the best part of your day is after your kids are in bed and you are watching TV (SO SAD!), it might be a better message to learn to love at least SOMETHING about most parts of your day. No, we can not be expected to love every moment, but it is a wonderful message from an older mother to tell us not to get mired down in all the yucky parts and spend more time enjoying the good parts. And not because it will all be over someday, but because that’s just a great way to live life….kids or not. And you can’t compare parenting your children to your husband’s job. I think it’s safe to say that there is a lot more to love about our children then the people and places we work.
When I’m in the grocery line realizing that my son has squished oranges in his hair and my sweater and shoplifted many of the things from my cart OUT of the cart so I have to go shop the aisles again, I can laugh because it’s cute. It’s not the end of the world. I consciously try to do more of the fun stuff that does make parenting little ones great, even when it feels hard. I feel like we CAN make parenting very hard, even mostly hard, but it doesn’t have to be. My goal is not to get to the top of the mountain, but to enjoy the climb. They are children, not projects to perfect or complete, and I have so much more fun grocery shopping now than I ever have. And I actually do get up everyday excited about my “job”, excited to see my sweet little faces, to hear the silly things they might say, and I thoroughly enjoy telling my husband about the crazy stuff that could have made me really angry, but that makes a damn good story.
And I never even wanted to have kids because everyone was telling me how hard it was.

I love this post, so many women are afraid to admit how hard it is being a mum. The day I finally snapped and told a group of friends that I hated it and it was crap was a turning point for me. Before then it all just seemed so hard and well crap. Now I know just like you it’s the same stuff day in day out just like any other job but with highs unlike any other job. Nothing can prepare you for the pain of love that hits you when your baby smiles at you after just waking, or the joy of having your 6yr old snuggle you on the sofa for 15 whole minutes or your son telling you that you are the very best mama ever. I live for these moments although they are even better when the house is tidy too ;0). But mostly I want women to stop saying how wonderful everything is and just admit that sometimes hiding under the duvet is about all they can manage that day but that doing the school run Kindy run play group housework and cooking a meal (albeit beans on toast) still has to be done. Friends say to me oh you are so organised and amazing – crap I still drag the kids out with 3 still eating toast hair not brushed and the baby crying cause I slept through my alarm, I often go out without a change bag just when bubs has pooed his body weight in blueberries and yes when he’s asleep an I should be cleaning I make a cuppa and watch CSi. There I’m not proud of my failings but I’m not afraid to admit them either, because every time I do I make another mum who is finding it hard feel a bit better about not getting dressed until 2pm. I love my kids more than anything in the world and I also love bedtime too – thanks for helping everyone realise they aren’t the only one x

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I really enjoyed this. We are very similar I think. It is very funny to read the same things that you experience coming from someone else.

I think that sometimes it feels like I am the only one to ever go through parenthood and of course mine are the naughtiest children ever and know one could possibly understand my woes.

I guess what I am getting at is that is reassuring to know that other people suffer too at times and my life and children are normal (ish).

Kind regards

Adam

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Oh thank God. I DO have those Kairos moments. That must mean I’m looking up to see the view occasionally while climbing up this crazy mountain! 🙂

Loved this! Thank you!

Yes. A million times yes. It’s as if you are writing the words directly from my heart. So, so grateful to have been introduced to your blog today. Thank you.

Thank you, THANK YOU!! I think I needed to read this to realize that I am normal. No longer do I need to feel guilty about not enjoying every moment and about sometimes wishing the time away. I know I have dozens of fleeting “kairos” moments every day, and those I will enjoy with all my heart. It is so true that the parenting magazines and the mommy blogs are not realistic, and although the intentions there are good, they are making it difficult for moms who try to live up to these impossible expectations. NO mom is perfect, and we need to realize that many people tell only about their triumphs, but that does not mean that they do not have their troubles. Take Facebook, for example: most people don’t post that they just got done picking their nose or upload a profile picture with their eyes half open and a double chin showing. It is not reality, it is what people WANT you to see about them. I have been blubbering like a baby writing this, and I must say once more, thank you for opening my eyes to all of this and for being brave enough to tell the truth!!

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Dear G,

I’ve read your blog now for two years and I can’t wait to meet you in Seattle. As the new mommy to a lovely two year-old. I get those comments all the time too, but the truth is some days we really do want to hide and pull up the covers, because enjoying every moment is just too much pressure. My little one was born two months early and spent two long months in the NICU, so our journey was not exactly a blissful ushering into Motherhood. I’m grateful for women like you, writing their heart out and spreading joy. All we can take when we leave this world, is each-other. In light of that, it really is all about those Kairos moments. xo

I have to tell you Glennon that this post has changed my life and quite possibly saved it. For the last year and a half I have been in a deep depression. Sometimes not even able to care for myself let alone my kids. And the number of times I’ve thought, “I can’t do this anymore” are as high as the stars. I was not able to see the Kairos times and it drained me…completely dry. Now, as I claw my way out I am able to pick out those magical moments of Max waving bye bye before he goes back to the other room to play. Or Lucy’s big brown eyes telling me I’m the best. And holding my oldest Clare for just a little longer before she went off to bed. My Everest had an ice trap where I almost fell in and would not have made it out. Thankfully I had read this before my depression started and the words resonated so much that I would think of it…and it would get me through a little longer. OK, life goes on, one foot in front of the other, it will get better, it doesn’t have to be perfect, it’s not about making every moment count. It’s about knowing that there will be some Kairos again someday and keeping the hope alive that it will happen. Thanks for all you do Glennon.

Oh the yin and yang of life. I try to have those Kairos moments every day. I really do. They make me so happy. I just stare at the kids and think of all we had to do to get them and all we have to do to keep them alive! Great article. Glad to find you.

Liz

I am 31 with no children and this resonates with me like …. I can’t describe. It’s the essential theory on life- the trials, the everyday routine, the horror, the boredom- it’s all dissolved for short periods of time when you come to realize or see certain things than humble you and make you realize that, you over so many more-deserving others, have actually got it made. I agree with the author that (mentioning in another online article) there is a certain self-awareness that comes with living the life of a practicing addict v. a recovering addict/alcoholic- just as I am sure there would be with people living with dying from terminal illness and disease.
I can certainly relate to the addict portion of my thoughts… the terminally ill individual, the mother who is socially conditioned and pressured into thinking her children would bring her eternal joy and happy smiles— no. But there are parallels. The three groups have seen really shitty things; we have and maybe still do experience physical pain. Some have literally been on the brink of death or its emotional/psychological equivalent. But this is what makes us strong, self-aware, truthful and grateful.There are times that are just somehow magically paused and you look around and realize that things really ARE OK. This is your life and you are doing it and making it. And it looks damn good

Thank you :,0)
Sobbing like a baby.

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I had to write a response to this.

You said it right in your video ad. You don’t know much about God. If you really want to get to know Him, read the book He wrote. It’s called the Bible. If you really want to help yourself and others, start there.

I loved reading this when you posted it, so many parts resonate with so many parents. You aren’t the only one to have this sentiment either. I’m sure there are many more who have been told this very same thing in a store with their children. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/200907/cherish-these-moments-they-go-too-quickly

I have six kids, l love each and everyone of them, three have reached “adulthood” (chronologically anyway) and have moved out of my home and I hesitate to say, outloud anyway, HURRAH! Because so many lament “how quickly it all goes” That was quick I say? Yes, I loved their scratchy little voices and their chubby fingers in mine but it was exhausting. Now I can look at them and say, “damn, I did pretty good…I like that grown-up person” and I can visit them and hug them and then come home and sleep all night:-)

I also know many people who have children that will never, developmentally, “grow-up”. This is sad, and hard, and not the way parenting is “supposed” to be. Don’t wish for time to stand still people! And don’t suggest that it would be a blessing. Growing up and moving on is their job, just like toiling in the trenches (and trenches they are…filled with poop and vomit and boogers…)for the first few years is our job.

The little old ladies who tell you they enjoyed every minute of it are probably suffereing from dementia.

Thank you! I could not have read your post at a better time. I run a daycare in my home and while I strive to focus on savoring those ‘kairos’ moments in time, this past week was one of living in ‘chronos’.

I have been beating myself up over some of the moments and hours within the past week. Yet in reality, there were small moments of wonder within a week that I wish that I could do-over.

My children are 14, 25 and 34 years old and they all remind me of ‘those days’ that we wish we could forget. We all have them. But in the end? We laugh over most of those moments, because they were part of the path that created us and the relationships that we have.

Do I seize every moment of every day as a parent? as a daycare provider? No. But you are so true in your analogy to climbing Mt Everest – I love HAVING parented. And even after ‘the week that I just had’ … I love HAVING parented other people’s children as well.

Love them, hug them, kiss them and show them the way because the days are long, but the years are short. We spend our time surviving the moments that it is hard to treasure them.

Thank you! This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. I have 5 little boys, 5 and younger, and I always describe parenting like climbing up the side of a straight up and down cliff…you’ve gone too far to climb back down, but it’s still so far to the top, and this expanded on that feeling. I’m a new reader and just so appreciate the realness of your blog!!

Happy Birthday G!
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Having spent the last few days wondering where I am going wrong, today i happend upon this post … aahhhh I can breathe again. Much love, health & happiness to you and yours x

thanks for this post…i am not a mother but living with chronic fatigue that phrase always feels like a slap in the face. I hope you don’t mind but I put a link to it on my blog. Thanks again, Glennon.

Thank you! For your honesty on motherhood. This made me laugh and cry, but mostly realize I’m not alone 🙂

Carpe Diem in the phrase as seize the day, means nothing more than finding beauty in life. I don’t think this could be a day to day basis, but I do believe as beïng a bit negative in life my self sometimes, that it’s a good thing to seize the good things in life as well, or think about the good things in a way of reflection. I can’t really agree with people telling you this all the damn time and I would tell them to shove it up their ass as well, cause life isn’t fun all the time, and that’s just a fact.

This post is incredibly helpful. I feel the same way, feeling like I should savor every second because I know it will all be over too quickly and feeling guilty because it’s so hard to focus on savoring when I am in the middle of the chaos of three kids all day, every day. What you are saying about the little moments that matter, the ones when you breathe in your kids and your life and realize how amazingly lucky you are, is very true. Those moments are enough. I guess I have always known this. It’s hard to remember when you are counting down to bedtime (I do this most days!) that you have had a few of those moments and hopefully they balance out the ones that are steeped in the reality of the difficult, sometimes nearly impossible task of getting through the day with your kids. Thank you for a beautiful, real, insightful piece of writing.

I just re-read this this morning and still love it as much the first time I read it. I often think of this post when I’m at the store either with or without my kids. When I’m with my kids and they’re fighting in the fire truck grocery cart, pulling things off the shelf begging me to buy…I hope there is mom out there that’s not judging me for yelling at them to behave and telling them 10 times that they can’t have the five bags of M&Ms they’re carrying around. And when I’m without my kids and I have some peace to take my time a bit more, I see those women, like myself who are struggling to just get the groceries and get out of there. I give them a smile, a knowing look that says, “I feel your pain, sister. And don’t worry, you’re doing just fine.” Parenting is hard and like you said, we have to find those brief, golden moments–kairos–when we realize just exactly what we have and take them in. That’s what helps me get through the day.

Thank you for this and your other writings. The climb and chronos time continues even when children are nearly twenty and so. It is the kairos moments that keep one climbing and make one glad to have the privilege of making the attempt.

Thank you for writing this. I feel like this all the time. It helps to know I’m not the only mom out there that feels the same way.

Thank you so much!! I so needed this today. I am in tears because this post spoke exactly what I am feeling today and many other days as a stay at home mom.

I like this post, enjoyed this one thankyou for putting up.

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G, just read your article on time, chronos and kairos, thank you

Once again I am saved by this post.
Thank you. Just thank you.

How about you call it a ” visiting with friends” tour.

Thank you for your honesty, truth, humor, and the grace that you give to us through your writing. This one is one of my favorites. The first time I read it I felt like finally, someone is being honest…and she gets me! It’s like you look into to our hearts and then write from the collective depth of them all. Came back to this post from this morning’s post about the book tour (or what it will finally be named). I know I am one of many who just waiting for her pre-ordered book to arrive on my Kindle, but even more than that, I am waiting for you G. I’m waiting for you because I feel like somehow, some way, if I see you and can hug you and thank you in person you will see the difference you make in my life, in all the lives of those your words touch. You are braver than you know, and you will be covered in prayer when you step out on the tour. We all love you, and we will be here to lift you up as you have done for us so many times.

I know it’s over a year later… And I have shared it on fb for the first time. But I love this post. It reminds me to love what I have… To not feel guilty about not loving every, single moment. I don’t love every, single moment. And in those moments that I don’t love, I don’t feel guilty at all. It’s after those moments when I get to the Kairos moment that I feel guilty for not remembering more Kairos moments during the “not so awesome” chronos moments! How do I keep those Kairos moments closer to the surface so when my 6 year old is freaking out about having to do homework or my 2 year old wants to run around like a banshee without a diaper BEFORE I have changed her (yes, you know what that means!) I can have a little fresh breeze of ecstasy to keep my temper at bay… Because you know when that chronos moment is over, you WILL laugh at the humor of it and it will soon become a Kairos moment…

Thank you G. As always, you have made my life easier. Just by writing about your life and sharing in your honest, caring, funny way… You are amazing and you are helping to make me a little bit more amazing as well… We will all learn together and together we will all be awesome!

I hope I can foot a grocery bill for a young momma some day too… Man, that would be a great day! 🙂

You can certainly see your skills in the paintings you write. The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. At all times follow your heart. “History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.” by Napoleon.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I loved reading that and I know exactly what you mean you hit that one on the head.
I have twin girls and part of the reason aside from frequent runaway 3 three year olds and tantrums is that some well intended strangers have always find a way of coming up and forcing a conversation abou the weirdest things and the most awkward thing possible when they dont even know me. Enjoying each moment cause it happens fast is definitely one that tops my list. Or Are they twins ,your hands are full and are they yours?.
Anyways I enjoyed your reading so much your a so talented and I dont know about anyone else but I definitely relate 100%.
PS. I admit my favorite part of the day is when the bums are going down to bed!
Hang in there!

Great post and I’ve shared it….
I’m now a granny of (soon to be) 7. Mom of 4 … Had 4 kids in 4 1/2 years, was stay-at-home and home schooled the little darlins’ 🙂 …. I can TOTALLY relate.
Something I’ve been highly conscious of even more so in the past 3 years is “Be in the moment”….I may not even be ENJOYING the moment, but by being IN it (mind/heart/body/spirit) I am ‘present’ and can experience the weight and life of it… draw from God’s grace in it ….and share the ministry of ‘presence’. (Does that make sense? 😀
Bless you!

Absolutely beautiful!! Reading this today is definitely a Kairos moment. Just this morning, while at my OBGYN, I ran into a friend of a friend who was there with her husband and 2 1/2 week old son. As I got ready to depart from them I said with great zeal, “Enjoy each moment!” Ugh! What was I thinking?! My heart’s intention was to bless her and to encourage her..but really, couldn’t I have chosen better words?! Thank for so eloquently writing what all mommas go through! It is hard to enjoy and relish in each moment but praise God for those Kairos moments! Those moments bring strength, joy, and a refreshing kiss from our Maker! Those moments remind me that He blessed me with 2 wonderfully and fearfully made children. I may not have it all together but God chose me to be their mother! I am but a steward of 2 of His greatest treasures! I am thankful that He has given us everything necessary for life and godliness! THANK YOU <3

This is one of the most beautiful posts I have ever read! Thank you for expressing what SO MANY of us are feeling!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Interesting stuff. But as someone who has suggested to mommies to “enjoy it”, I for one can say that what we’re really saying is to forget all the “crap” out there that tries to heap unrealistic standards on you. Forget all the condemnation that will try to press in on you. Forget all the well-meaning people out there who make remarks to you that make you feel like a dart has just hit you on the inside. Forget all that junk and make it a goal that you strive for on purpose to just relax and enjoy your family. There will always be people who set themselves up as judges and make stupid comments. (I think this is how they build themselves up: they compare themselves to you; you fall short; they feel bigger and better; and they want to be sure you know that.) Even when your children are grown, as mine are, it just never ends. Someone always wants to critique what you’re doing, and how you’re doing it. “So, just how often do you go see your son? Hmm?” He may live five hours away. Not asked in a curious tone. Rather, an accusing tone. They ask questions that are really none of their business just for the sake of comparing, judging, and condemning. Believe me, these people are out there. The strange thing is, they probably don’t even understand that’s what they’re doing. Heaping condemnation. So, if I see a mommy out there with children in tow, and I say, “Enjoy!”, what I’m really saying is “Refuse all that stinkin’ condemnation and guilt that will try to assault you and enjoy your freedom from it! Let some things go. And don’t let anyone heap their condemnation on you! “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are seated in Christ Jesus!” (Seated way above all that crap!)

I have three children under 2. 22mo old twins and a 5mo old singleton. I read this post about this time last year when I was overwhelmed with two 10mo olds and it hit home…I needed to revisit it again today and I’m certain I’ll be revisiting it again and again throughout my children’s raising. Thank you for the most validation of my feelings that I’ve received in a long, long time!

Oh my heavens. Thank you. I burst out laughing and crying at the same time when I read your comment about what you would have said in the grocery line. Beautiful!

Thanks for the great article. You may be heartened or confused maybe, to know that one time I was introducing my 4 month old daughter to an older colleague’s wife (an empty-nester) and she only crinkled her eye brows and said, “Huh, I can’t say I miss those days.” If only more grocery store grandmas were like the one you wish for!

My Uncle posted this again the other day. I had wrote this after the first time I read it. I had just finished reading the happiness project and I compared your essay with Rubin’s stance on the whole parenting thing, well the whole life thing. Thought you might want to read it as a comparison from my perspective, someone who has been through the worst parenting nightmare you can think of,….

Do Carpe Diem; or how I learned to stop making Mount Everests out of Molehills

There has much ado about a recent article on parenting entitled, “Don’t Carpe Diem” by Glennon Melton. And while the author and the majority of those that resonated with her essay made some sobering and honest view points about their parenting experiences, I guess overall, I found the end result rather bleak. And its not just because I have lost a child, but of course that didn’t exactly help my reaction still being in the thick of the grieving process. It’s because I felt that all of the brutal honesty amounted to just that………there was no want or need for resolution. There was a resounding quality of accepting that the days are long, that the frustrations you have with your children are unfixable, that you are stuck in this mode of what she terms “chronos” time, climbing up Mount Everest, that you will only have a couple of “kairos”, or beautiful happy moments a day that will vanish quicker than they came, and that you wont even remember them, you will just remember you had them. But somehow those foggy moments were so powerful that makes it all worth it?

I have always been the kind of person that welcomes change, and especially the kind of person that creates change especially when things are stagnant, stale, old and just plain not working. I recently read this book called “The Happiness Project.” I have an extremely high respect for the author, Gretchen Rubin, who embarked on a yearlong journey to, well, be happier. One of the most profound statements in Rubin’s’ book, that is grossly missing in Melton’s’essay, “Don’t Carpe Diem”, hit me of over the head with a mallet: “One April day, on a morning just like every other morning, I had a sudden realization: I was in danger of wasting my life.” Melton never addresses this concept. And although I was not surprised by Melton’s refreshing admittance of how hard it is to be a parent, I was shocked at how willing she was to just accept it.

Rubin states:

What do I want from life, anyway” I asked myself. Well…..I want to be happy.” But too often I sniped at my husband or the cable guy. I felt dejected after even a minor professional setback. I drifted out of touch with old friends. I lost my temper easily I suffered bouts of melancholy, insecurity, listlessness, and free-floating guilt…….. I had everything I could possibly want-yet I was failing to appreciate it. Bogged down by petty complaints and passing crises, weary of struggling with my own nature, I too often failed tocomprehend the splendor of what I had. I didn’t want to keep taking these days for granted. The words of the writer Colette had haunted me for years: “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.” I didn’t want to look back, at the end of my life or after some great catastrophe, and think,” How happy I used to be then, if only I’d realized it”?

I guess the writer Colette was her little old lady at the grocery store reminding her to carpe diem.

Rubin dedicates a whole chapter on parenting. She also mentions those chronos and kairos moments that she calls fog happiness, “Fog happiness is the kind of happiness you get from activities that, closely examined, don’t really seem to bring much happiness at all-yet somehow they do.” She uses the example of a host at a party. You are so busy hosting that you don’t even take the time to enjoy your own party. But she feels that you should take that time to enjoy it. She, for all intense purposes, wants to lift that fog and see more clearly, she wants more kairos moments, she wants to carpe diem, as opposed to “Carpe a couple of kairos moments…good enough for me.”

Rubin goes on to say

“I knew I didn’t appreciate enough this fleeting time in my children’s’ lives. Though the stages of diapers and dress-up clothes and car seats seem interminable, they pass quickly, and too often, I was so focused on checking off the items of my to-do list that I forgot what really mattered.” She begins to change many things to create,” a peaceful, cheerful, even joyous atmosphere…I had two healthy, affectionate little girls, and I wanted my actions as a parent to rise to the level of that good fortune…I wanted to be more lighthearted. I wanted to take steps to preserve the happy memories from this time.”

Now this is the attitude and energy that I want to achieve, to aspire to, especially after the extremely hard and difficult two years we have just been through. It has been very easy for me to slip into a mode of anger at the world, and sometimes critical extreme judgment towards most other parents who thank goodness don’t know how hard it is not only to lose a child but to live an entire year in utter fear, turmoil and horror; but I don’t want to settle for that. I want to do everything I can so that my life, my daughters and my husbands life don’t slip away, and all we remember is the grief of what happened. At the twilight of my life, I don’t want to be the old woman in a grocery store that only remembers how hard it was, “yea you think your life is rough, I only have memories of my sons death, and that year we spent living in a hospital, oh wait oh yea I think I had another kid too and I think I had a couple of kairos moments but I don’t remember them.” I COULD easily be that person, if I CHOOSE to hold on to the bad moments and just blindly accept that life is hard. BUT, I want to create beautiful memories that I clearly specifically can recall. I want to feel full and enriched not just for my daughter’s sake but also for my own. I want to have way more awesome incredible gorgeous fun exhilarating memories than frustrating angry sad ones. And most importantly, I want to give my living child those good memories of her family life.

The big hole that lurks in Melton’s essay is that if you are having mostly chronos moments, guess what, so are your children. Parents think if they are working hard, immersed in their children’s lives, giving their children everything that they didn’t have etc. that their children will be happy right? Children are extremely perceptive. They learn most of their behavior, coping skills, and attitude through modeling. I will never forget when my daughter started sighing “ahhhh” after every swig of her drink. It always cracked me up and when I asked my husband I wonder where she got that, he said,’ “well from you of course. You do it after every sip of coffee you take in the morning.” I actually had no idea I did that. After that I became more aware of my behavior and realized that old “monkey see, monkey do” saying is all too relevant when raising kids. If you are frustrated most of the day, by looking at the clock and waiting for the moment that your kids go to bed, your children will follow suit. What are we teaching our children if that becomes the daily goal? Get the kids to bed so we can collapse on the couch and watch junk TV. Is that the attitude we want to instill in them when they go out in the world? When they go to school, when they get a job, when they get married and settle down and have a family of their own? Do we want our children to just accept a life of mostly chronos, to gaze at the slowness of the clock all day and wait until the most important part of the day has ended? Are we unknowingly teaching them that the goal in life is to stare down the time we have on earth and heave a big sigh of relief when we are at deaths door. When someone asks us if we loved life will our response be, “no….but I love having lived.” Or do we want them to learn how to handle adversity, in a positive way. To strive to be happy, to live a rich life full of mostly good moments that they will clearly remember, treasure, and cherish and to pass that goodness on to the next generation.

Furthermore, what kind of “treasure house of memories”(Rubin) am I creating for my daughter? Do I want her memories to be of a cranky upset mom, who looks sad and frustrated all of the time? Who gets impatient and angry waiting in lines, or in traffic, or at my grandchildren? Melton says she has a few kairos moments a day but doesn’t remember exactly what they were whereas Rubin realizes the “importance of keeping happy memories vivid.” Remembering the specifics, the details, is not only important to Rubin’s happiness but to the overall happiness of her children, and of her children’s future memories.

Now I am not saying I don’t have those Chronos moments. We just had one this morning. Complete and utter melt down. My daughter did not want daddy to leave to go to work on a project. It was the weekend after all. “Why are you leaving daddy?” She screamed, not letting go of daddy. I used every trick in my book; distraction, choices, you name it nothing worked. I had to resort to tearing her away. After daddy left, I kneeled down and told her it was ok to be upset. I know how much you love daddy and how much you miss him. After she calmed down a little I told her, we have two choices. We could sit around all day and wait for him to come home, or we can fill our day with fun and excitement and adventure. We called some friends and they were available so we went out to lunch, rode on a train, played in a park, and then suddenly hours zoomed by filled with kairos after kairos after kairos moments. No looking at the clock counting down the moments until my daughter goes to bed. After all time flies when you are having fun right? An incredible teachable moment and one that I hope my daughter takes with her so later in life when things don’t go her way, she can turn a sour moment into a sweet one. When we got home everyone was in a good mood and daddy and daughter got to spend some time together and it was that much richer. I CHOOSE to have more kairos moments a day. Even in that excruciating line at the grocery store…I choose to play with my daughter instead of perseverating on how slow the check out clerk is or if I am by myself I always bring a good book to read…ten minutes to someone else looking at the clock impatiently is a lot different to someone else who is diving into a good book, suddenly you’re at the front of the line wishing the line was longer. That is the attitude I want to impart on my child. After all, I want her life to be easier not harder and the less she sweats the small stuff and the more she uses her time wisely the happier she will be. One of the best ways to do that is by modeling that behavior in you. I do whatever I can to turn those chronos moments into kairos ones…. kind of like the old saying “When life gives you lemons you make lemonade.”Surely easier said then done, but I am at least trying in spite of the tragedy that is still all too fresh in my mind. At the end of the day having a multitude of kairos moments that I remember in great detail, and just a few chronos moments that I know I had but don’t remember. Now that for me is success.

Melton also mentions one of the kairos moment she had was when she looked up and truly saw her daughter for the first time in that whole day. That is a beautiful moment but I say do it sooner. Make that your first moment of the day, not one of your last.

My favorite part of the day is waking up. Staring into the wide eyes of my daughter, scooping her up in my arms, feeling the warmth of her breath on my neck as she squeezes me back. I start my day every day with a beautiful wonderful kairos moment. When you start the day like that, I can guarantee that you will not only be more inclined to have many more kairos moments throughout the day, but you will remember them, not just the feeling but the specifics, the details. And so will your children. And those are the memories that THEY will remember for a lifetime. Take it from me; I am not the little old lady in the store remembering from afar. But I know at an extremely early stage in my parenting life that you should relish these moments, and try and change your life and attitude so you can have more of them and so instead of looking forward for you kids to go to bed, you are looking forward to spending quiet time with your significant other; to me, there is a huge difference between those two attitudes. Don’t wait for something tragic to happen, or for you to grow old. These moments do go by fast. Too fast for me and unfortunately too short-lived. Carpe Diem.

These are the days
These are days you’ll remember
Never before and never since, I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it,
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you

These are days that you’ll remember
When May is rushing over you
With desire to be part of the miracles
You see in every hour
You’ll know it’s true
That you are blessed and lucky
It’s true that you are touched
By something that will grow and bloom in you

These are days
These are the days you might fill
With laughter until you break
These days you might feel
A shaft of light
Make its way across your face
And when you do
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It’s true
Then you’ll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking
To you, to you

-10,000 maniacs

Posted by Donna Mossholder at 1:19 PM 5 comments:

Saturday, June 4, 2011

D-day: storming the beaches of normalcy

Its hard to believe that a year has passed since I wrote this blog, and this day is very painful for me and my family. Today is the day Thurston should have been born, and had he been, we would have been celebrating his 1 year birthday. Instead, all I have to look back to are memories of this horrific last year, and all we and he went through. Here is my blog post from last year, and I can guarantee that this day will always be D-day for us and we are still continuing to “storm the beaches of normalcy”.

Being one of those “older women” and getting ready to be a grandmother soon, I was a little sad by your internal reaction to what us older moms have to say. And why we even say it. I am getting ready to send my 5th and last child to college. It is the hardest think I’ve done yet…and I also tell young moms that it is hard and difficult but to enjoy your children while they’re young…our hearts are so in pain when we say goodbye to that last child going off to school that, for at least me, saying those words means…it is worth all the hard moments, and don’t ever let your kids feel like a burden, those moments go by way to quickly. The pain of the “empty nest” and realizing your role as mother changes dramatically when they turn 18 is what prompts so many women to say those stinging words to you…one day you will blink your eyes and YOUR last child will be buying furniture at IKEA to put in his or her apt for their first year of college…for us die hard “Jewish” mothers, who never had a career except mothering, the heart longs for more moments that you are experiencing that we can not again…thus…the sentiment…enjoy the moments. We all know the hardships, but nothing prepares your heart for that final moment when your last child is out the door. Yes, they come back, but it is never the same. So next time some old lady tells you to enjoy the moments, give her a hug and tell her you will!!!!!