Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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2,618 Comments
Wow! I am speechless! THANK YOU for putting this into words for me! I always feel like saying, “Well I thought I would wait until they grow up to enjoy them but thank you for that lovely thought…maybe I could start enjoying them now!!” But what you said is soooo much more eloquent! You are a wonderful Mom and writer, by the way! Thank you for making my day. I am going to share this with my running buddy- last night we ran at 9pm in 34 degrees just so we could cuss about being a Mommy- yet being grateful for every moment! But we still needed to get it out! Thanks again!
[…] read a blog post by a pretty well-known mommy blogger called “Don’t Carpe Diem“. The basic premise was that parenting is hard; it’s a grind and not every minute is […]
I don’t usually comment on blog posts, because I don’t typically have anything wonderfully special or great to say. But today, I just needed to say thanks! What an inspiration. I have always hated it too when people tell me to enjoy every minute, but I had never thought hard enough to put it into words why. You said it wonderfully, just the way I would like to have said it.
I feel better about my life because of your words. Thanks. 🙂
Thank you for your writing! My girlfriend told me about Don’t Carpe Diem, and needless to say I have spent the last two hours reading, laughing, and trying not to cry. (It wouldn’t look good at my desk!) I hope you continue to write…it is uplifting, and real and while today is a good day for me in the parenting world…I look forward to reading your blog on a day I am struggling.
Thank you, a fellow mamma.
I can’t get enough of your writing. Thank you so much for your honesty.
Thank you so much for lifting my spirits, I am going to put my 10-months old down for a bed now and make myself a cuppa and NOT feel guilty about it I think!
* nap that is, not bed
Thank you, Glennon. You just provided me and my husband with the truest spoken words about parenting since the birth of our boy, 3 1/2 years ago. The honesty you share about the parenting experience in all of its imperfections and beauty was truly inspiring. I cried and laughed, equally hard when reading this post. I felt so truly understood for the very first time since becoming a mother. You should be celebrated for sharing this with the world.
Thank you for this wonderful post. When I am exhausted or just want to retreat, I tell myself that I am supposed be enjoying every minute, but now I can relax – that it does not have to be joyful every minute of everyday. I love my beautiful daughter Ava, and enjoy many moments with her, but parenting is HARD and not every moment is a joyous one. When she tugs at me, I listen, but sometimes that means no dinner, laundry or cleaning. Thank God for our big closets! I just stuff everything in them when guests arrive.
[…] the experience of parenting lately. Many of them were inspired by a hugely popular post … Don’t Carpe Diem from Momastery. An article about the constant reminder to mom’s to “Enjoy every moment, they go by […]
[…] seriously, it made me think of a post I read last week, which I only found because of another incredible post by the same author which was so incredible it led me back to her archives where I found […]
Amen, sister! I have three kids, aged 3, 4, and 6, and I can SO relate to every word of your posting!! I just wanted to shout out to say that for the first time in YEARS I believe I may be emerging into a genuine ‘loving parenting’ stage…not every moment of course… NEVER will that be true… BUT… starting to laugh more and scream less. I wonder if maybe I’m passing out of the most difficult stage? I’ve heard the teenage years are also really hard, so I know I’m not totally in the clear, but I like the direction things are heading!
THANK YOU for your writing!
Jessica
Your post reminds me of a blog entry I wrote documenting the craziness of my day with 3 kids… Scroll down to the June 1st entry ‘Day in the life of…’
http://skybella.blogspot.com/2010_06_01_archive.html
[…] https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ I saw this on several people’s FB & blogs…Again, it’s nice to not feel alone. […]
[…] So my week of ruminating is over. But it wasn’t all cloistered self-analysis. I really was inspired by Momastery, and the gratitude that flows from her words wafted right into my heart and settled there, softening and sweetening my perspective, all week. She writes, in Don’t Carpe Diem, […]
[…] The other night while sitting around with our dear friends, my husband read aloud a blog post that he came across (news to me that my husband read anyone’s blog ). When he started out I was sure it would be sports related or end with a lesson about the plight of men having to deal with their wives but it ended up being a very well written and honest and wonderful post titled “Don’t Carpe Diem”. […]
[…] Don’t Carpe Diem from Momastery. Glennon is halirious– I can’t drink coffee when I read her blog anymore because I will spit it out all over my keyboard. I really loved this post from her- I’ve struggled with the idea that I should love every, single moment of baby raising. And I just don’t. I love my child more than I ever thought possible, but he’s not going to have a baby book to cherish when he’s all grown up. And it’s my fault. I struggle with feeling like I’m not doing this whole parenting thing right (after all, we know that Jeremiah is going to resent me for not giving him a baby book when he turns 18.) […]
Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes!!! You have completely summed it up! THanks for being so honest about what it feels like to be a parent. I see some of the way-too-glossy-Barbie-and-Ken-dream-house versions of parenting in our media, from people on facebook and just about everywhere else I look and often think “huh?? Am I missing it? Doing it wrong?” So how wonderful to see these things in writing and to not feel like a horrible parent for counting down until bedtime comes!!! Thanks for writing this!!! 🙂
[…] the sleep. January 22, 2012 by jen · Leave a Comment This blog post has been zooming through the web world like a loose hogwarts snipe. I read it and found myself […]
The mother of a 10-month-old, I undoubtedly have my “let’s get through this second, minute, day” moments and my “I wish I could stay in this moment forever” moments. Yesterday, I had my very own Kairos moment I thought I would share with you.
Lulu (the aforementioned 10-month-old) is covered in dried baby food. She loves her black bean, banana and quinoa concoction from Happy Baby, but it adheres to her face and hands with the strength of super glue. A warm washcloth wasn’t cutting it, so we moved bath time up an hour. As Lulu was sitting in the tub with lukewarm water up to her belly button, she let out a rather impressive sneeze. The force of the sneeze precipitated a most powerful fart from my adorable little 23 pound baby. The gas escaped her bottom with such force that she was literally lifted off the floor of the tub as by jet propulsion. This chain reaction startled her and as her bottom plopped back down onto the bathtub surface, she looked at me with amusement and astonishment.
My heart burst with love for this beautiful little sneezing, farting creature. I laughed out loud. That good, deep, soul-clearing laughter that is always a surprising and cathartic experience. This entire sequence of events lasted mere seconds but the hilarity and sweetness of the moment has been with me ever since. A moment in time to bottle… minus the gas.
Your comment was the icing on the cake of this blog post. I was lol reading your comment after welling up with tears from reading Glennon’s post that I can oh so relate to. Loved it!
HI Glennon,
I can’t tell you how much I LOVED this post!! It was exactly what this weary mom needed to hear. It is now hanging on my refrigerator in case I forget. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being honest and sharing.
Nicole
So well said! I can totally relate and it lifts a weight off of my shoulders as a mom to hear this-I will remember “kairos” Thanks for sharing!
[…] Don’t Carpe Diem Glennon Melton, 4 Jan 2012 […]
That was extremely well said! Thank you for having the courage to be so honest, and truthful. Being a Mama IS hard sometimes, and it helps knowing that you’re not the only one who feels that way. Ignore the negativity! People who think every second of every day is perfect, aren’t being honest with themselves {or they just drink alot 😉 }. You’re obviously a wonderful Mom! Amen Sister!!
this i needed…i struggle daily w/ how my kids behave, and in all honesty they’re not bad, but it really makes it hard when you read articles that say “oh you should do this, that, or the other” and it’s all so far away from where i am i feel like a failure…thank you for lifting me up and letting me know i’m not a failure and that it’s ok to not “enjoy” every moment w/ my kids because i’ll admit it, there are some i’d really just rather skip over and forget ever happened LOL
(((HUGS))) for an amazing truth telling woman (that’s you just in case you’re wondering)
corey
there are no words for how much I appreciate this post. It was written just for me……
[…] this month on Facebook, a friend linked to a post about motherhood. I loved it. You can find it here. Go read it. Really, go read it right now. I’ll still be here when you come […]
Oh wow, I am so glad I followed Tsh’s weekend links! This is the funniest, most encouraging, and timely post I’ve ever read. Thank you! I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this.
So beautiful. Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to hear right now in this moment in my life.
My husband and I have been in discussions on having another child. What a perspective you add to that conversation.
Your Kairos moments may be called Nirvana moments by some (bhuddists to name a few). I know those moments are so lovely and beautiful and always leave me wishing for more and sometimes so easily forgotten in the day to day struggles of being a parent.
Love this post…I have 12-27 year olds, and in the old days I would say, when I want your advice, I’ll beat it out of you!! Yet, I do know, “these and then too” are the good ol days. I think what they say is more about them then you….If i were to say this , I think I would be meaning, enjoy the ride, even if its bumpy.
This is great! I literally laughed out loud. Thank you & your family is beautiful.
Mary (with 4 ages 8 and under and another due in April)
[…] you haven’t read “Don’t Carpe Diem” on mothering, check it […]
Amen. and Thank you.
*big wide grin I am one of those older ladies. I hear ya!!!
Perhaps I can clarify for some of the rest of us by offering … If time and relationship were to allow, in our heart of hearts we are trying to say….
“Oh, Honey … I see your struggles, yeah it’s hard, I feel for you having been there! Sweetie… I’m here to encourage you. It IS worth it … This is one of those Karios Moments. Our paths have crossed so I can comfort you and give you hope… to help you not loose sight of the fact, Lord willing, they will grow up and in hindsight their childhood will seem like a vapor, compared to the rest of your years. Especially after they leave home and begin a life of their own. I know you love them unconditionally and cherish them, just as I did.I can see you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. Been there, done that too! Don’t be discouraged. How I wish mine were still young sometimes, so I could spend more time with them. When they grow up, they may not feel a need for your presence, (until a crisis or perhaps when grandchildren come along and you are lucky enough to live close by and blessed to be of help because they respect your parenting skills). Their life will be full, just as yours in now and you will miss them terribly and wonder how their day is going. Seeing you reminds me of the good and the bad of parenting and how much I cherish those memories, that aspect of my life as I realize how short life really is and how little we will be needed as we grow old and loose the vitality of our youth. Do take the time in this Karios Moment to reflect on who they are as little people learning how to become adults and how hard life can be for all of us. Try to look past the hardship, it too shall be behind you. Remind their dad, your hubby of the same and give yourselves and each other a pat on the back, especially on days like today.” ((((hugs to all the young parents and spouses out there)))
AMEN Bren!!!
Whenever I get that gentle reminder about how quickly time will pass, I am often immediately transported to a Karios moment. I believe these brief encounters with wise women (and gentlemen) are God’s whisper of calm, peace, and clarity. You are the living example, and your message is simple.. That in the midst of the struggle, exhaustion, and frustration, when all is said and done, the joy is at the forefront of our memory.
Thank you!
Thank you!! I appreciate your transparency and honesty!!
Thank you so much for this post. I laughed, I cried and was inspired. It was beautiful. Thank you for saying the things I felt guilty for feeling out loud. You set us both free.
Jessica
[…] shared a great post. Have you read […]
[…] a fantastic new word that I learned while reading an article that my friend shared called, “Don’t Carpe Diem” written by Glennon Melton of momastery.com. A hilarious and heart-warming read for new and […]
Actually the best advice I got from an older woman came while I was struggling to get my toddler’s scarf untangled from the front wheel of the stroller and his sister was urgently telling me she had to go to the bathroom and somewhere someone’s shoe was missing.
An older woman stepped out of her office (we were looking for bathrooms at a dept store) and told me “Don’t worry. It gets better. They’ll get older and everything will get easier.” Wiser words were never said. To this day I’m grateful for her encouragement.
oh my gosh! i absolutely loveee this! took the words out of my mouth basically. (: and its really isnt being mean, i would kill for my son, he is my world! but motherhood is very stressful.
i love you son!
**5.23.11**
God Bless Everyone!
that’s what photo are for- cuz we all love our kids the most when we see them in photos. or sleeping. or better yet, photos of them sleeping. life is wonderful in photos.
I just came across your blog and I really love this article! Obviously others do because I have never seen so many comments to one entry ever! I completely relate and sometimes I feel like why am I not enjoying this as much as I should be?!! And it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. That everyone else is having glorious mothering moments every day and life is so perfect. Life is messy and kids are part of that mess!
[…] a hard time in general lately]. Karen posted today about having an ah-ha moment after reading this post from Glennon over at Momastery. So, I followed the little worm-trail the interweb offered me […]
Glennon, I just came across your blog, and I love it! What a fabulous message for all the moms out there who are struggling. I had strong feeling about this article in particular (though many other were also on my radar), so I wrote an article from that inspiration. I would love for you to take a look: http://mamafusion.com/2012/01/lets-face-it-not-every-day-will-be-the-best-of-our-lives/.
Thanks for such a great community!
Emily
Beautifully said. Kairos. Thank you.
Amitte Diem
http://altruismom.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/amitte-diem/
Oh my gosh, this is coming up via the huffington post EVERYWHERE today, someone even emailed me the link! So excited that you will touch EVEN more people now.
My response to “time flies by” with young children is to remember the seconds that dragged by, the years that aren’t your own. But it gets better! Love my time now. And have fond memories.
You have nailed it, and I can’t thank you enough. I have struggled with the ‘double failure’ for the past 6 months, now that I have a 4 yr old and 8 mo old twins. If I’m not the magical mom that can handle it all and smile through it all while loving the chaos, then I must be a failure, right? Ignore the critics, we need your honesty. You have given me a new way to look at my days (chronos vs kairos!) and my children AND the way I am performing my Mommy job, and for that I will thank you forever.
This post keeps showing up everywhere…..I read it for the first time last week and knew I had found a friend…Many friends it turns out……I’m a new monk and proud!
My Goddaughter/first born niece is attending a religious retreat this month and it happens to be called Karios. They have asked close family members to write letters to their loved one so they can read them while they are at the retreat. I will be mentioning you,all the monkees and this post/blog in my letter.
Thank you for helping me remember what’s important.
God bless
I want this to be a poster on my wall so my partner and I can read it every day and keep going. The part about seeing a mom when you are older blew me away. Sometimes I am in that check-out thinking…dear LORD help me! You captured the essence of parenting and made it funny and heart-warming. You encouraged a lot of us to keep our heads up and for this, it looks like THOUSANDS of parents have thanked you…and I thank you.
Thank you! I feel a great weight has been lifted. I am not alone.
[…] I have my grumpy days, but most days I really do think, “Damn! Am I lucky!” This “Don’t Carpe Diem” one was really popular recently, and while I get it, it really didn’t resonate with me […]
Beautifully written. No negative comments, or even thoughts, from me, just complete and total understanding, empathy, and gratitude for not being alone in these thoughts!
I have 4 young ones who I have finally gotten all to sleep, still nursing to sleep my youngest. your passage has helped me cry and restore myself again for another yes, both frustrating and awesome day tomorrow like any good job should be. I too hate the looks like we full time moms have it easy and feeling the pressure of making every moment magical. We have no time to call our own,that’s hard, and every moment I do I am either beating myself up about how I could have done or handled something better, or reflecting on how much I love them. I am greatful,yes, and exhausted after each day and that feels good too. You are right, if you are feeling too happy and relaxed in each moment, maybe you aren’t being the best parent.
Thanks!
Totally made me cry!! I feel understood, validated, and freed. We have 4 kids. They’re all wonderful and adorable and a blessing, but most days I feel like I’m losing my mind. It is so hard and lonely and exhausting.
Totally relate to the double-failure thing you mentioned. Thanks for shattering the lie that we must enjoy every second…really, really love the idea of cherishing/noticing the kairos moments. Those moments contain enough joy to make it all worth it.
I hope any critiques haven’t discouraged you too much. Most of us totally hear your heart in what you’re saying. 🙂 Thanks for the brave writing. xoxo
[…] if you’d like an excellent blog post, head over to Momastry and read a little blog called Don’t Carpe Diem. It touched my heart — hope it does the same for […]
I laughed out loud! Amen, Sista. Loved, LOVED the reference to your “old self” cheering on the young mother. I second that responseand hope to do the same thing one day. Upward and onward. 😉
My friend just sent me this link because yesterday I wrote a post on this exact topic. I love your Everest analogy (wish I’d thought of it.) I am so glad I am not the only one who bares their teeth a bit at those encouraging empty nesters – and they are always empty nesters. Thank you for a lovely article.
Oh, and I am just cheeky enough to leave you a link to my blog. It’s simpledailyelegance.blogspot.com.
Thank You:)
lovely
Hi Glennon,
I shared this with my mom – the mom of five of us and grandma to five – and I loved her response and thought you might too!
WOW this is an A+ on so many levels. She really nailed the yin and yang of parenting. The chronos moments tend to be more universal and make good stories to share and commiserate over. The Kairos moments are the ones that still take my breath away and bring tears to my eyes even as memories. The good news is they never stop. You girls still fill my life with Kairos even as you struggle and gnash your teeth over the surprising and confronting and just plain mind numbing chores of parenting and partnering. To be witness to the personal growth of your children and grandchildren whether they are two years or forty -two years etc. is worth the price of admission. To quote that wise old sage R. Edward Steele, “Hang in there, honey. You get it all back.” He continues to be right……..
Save this for yourselves and your sisters who have not yet taken the leap and for your adult children who will one day be trying to figure this stuff out for themselves, because your perspective may change but the truths in this article are timeless.
Love, Mom
[…] An article that keeps on popping up in my Facebook newsfeed is this one. […]
I don’t have kids of my own yet. Although, I work with families in my field of work. I find it so important to validate one’s feelings when it comes to parenting. Working with parents I admire their love and dedication for their children but it is very clear that it is no walk in the park to raise kids. I think sometimes little old ladies are sharing “enjoy the moment” because they have some guilt over not “enjoying the moment” when their children were young. They are projecting their own regrets. When the truth of the matter is that it is completely normal and okay to want to pull your hair out or just cry and feel deflated. I don’t think mommies or daddies need to feel guilty for that. And quite honestly, I think as we age, we only remember the good stuff and the bad (as long as it’s not too bad) fades way. Thank you for your post as it provides me with helpful insight for the day that I climb my Mount Everest.
Beautiful and amen and thank you.
Reading this put me in Kairos. I am a divroced mother (and step-mother) of three teenagers. Being a parent is the greatest most rewarding role I play – it is also the most difficult life-sucking experience of my life. I love my children dearly I cheerish my time with them and as they get closer and closer to graduation and their own adult lives I feel a mixture of emotion. Yes, they grew up fast and many days I would have sold my soul for some me-time. I enjoyed the journey and at times hated the climb. I wouldn’t change a thing AND I don’t want to do it again because I am looking forward to adult relationships with my children and to having time for me, my partner, my career and my life. My children are a huge and important part of my life – but they are not all of it. Thank yuo for wisdom and finding the words to explain motherhood.
I love this post! Being a parent is hard work. And, if I ever say so, I feel like people are judging me. I think those who say it is a piece of cake are either in denial or aren’t very good parents. What also drives me crazy is when people tell me how to be a parent to my child and/or criticize my parenting. I feel the pressure of doing and being more for my kid all of the time. I don’t need someone who has little to no insight on the challenges I face with my child to stick their nose where it so obviously doesn’t belong. I get that people are trying to be helpful. But unless they have a child that has the same challenges, they really don’t know what you are going through. I try to smile and say, “Thank you for your insight.” But, inside I am saying, “You have no idea what the poop you are talking about. Please close mouth and leave building at nearest exit.” Bless their hearts! :] Well done you for this lovely insight!
This article were things in my heart that I didn’t know how to put into words. I love my girls, but felt the guilt that I wasn’t enjoying every scream filled, disobedient moment. Your thoughts helped me to put things into a different light. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Do you mind if I put some of it on my blog?
One time I was in line at the library with a friend. Two of my six were running around like Huns screaming and trying to denude the place of intact books. Nothing I tried seemed to be working. I tried the asking nicely thing. I tried the icy glare which used to send me bawling to my room. I even tried the we’re-in-church-be-quiet-or-else hiss to no avail. I’d have left the whole library without books next. I looked at my friend and said jokingly (and it was obvious to my friend at least), “Sometimes you just want to whack them in the head with a hammer.”
The lady behind me was atrociously scandalized. “That’s child abuse!” she bellowed. I told her that I was kidding and that no child had heard me say it (accept apparently HER), but she wouldn’t leave it alone. She was still hacking on me like a lumberjack chopping down a tree when I finished checking out and left. What a sanctimonious cow!
I swore to myself that I would NEVER be that cow. I’d remember the times when my children were setting every dancing hamster in the store singing “You aint nothing but a hound dog” or dumping the shopping cart over trying to reach the nerf guns.
Clearly if I were the kind of monster who would actually whack my child with a hammer, (which I am definitely NOT) I wouldn’t announce it to the world. But then, if I were someone who did, I guess I’d be stupid, so it’s a possibility.
I actually want my children to get SMARTER. Yeah. And have better manners. But sometimes that comes with time. There WILL get to be a time when you can take them out in polite company. Unfortunately that usually happens about the time they leave home.
As a mom who has just gone back to work after 4 years thank you. I laughed out loud and maybe shed a tear.
[…] author of this essay feels the same way. The only difference is, she doesn’t have to picture motherhood. She lives […]
Right on! Thank you.
THANK YOU for writing this inspired article! I have never felt so understood in my life. Carry on, warrior.
I had a horrendous experience in the grocery store when my infant screamed the whole time. I made it through the whole store, getting at least half of what was on the list, then I finally made it up to the register. I had the worst time trying to load my groceries with my screaming, writhing baby in my arms. I could feel the unappreciative looks coming my way, which made me only more frazzled. All of a sudden, someone – I assumed an angel – appeared and loaded my groceries for me while saying sweet things about being a mother. Turns out, this angel was a family friend and she had just helped a new dad at another store who was completely overwhelmed in the diaper aisle. She came, she helped, she encouraged, she left. Definitely a kairos moment!
Well said and beautifully, too. I remember the little old lady in the grocery store who laughingly said she wanted to take my kids home with her. Some afternoons, I so wanted to go back to that store and find her!
This post literally brought tears to my eyes and made me laugh out loud! So perfectly said, thank you!! <3
Eh, you are not too negative! Just real. Had a great chuckle reading what no one tells you before you have kids. Maybe you are really ceasing the moment after all with all its perfect imperfection! Crap, the baby’s crying!
Cheers.
I think this is very well written, and the gist of it all is very good. The hundreds of “thank yous” and “amens” you have here are a testament to that. The part I struggle with is where you say you “love having parented.” and that your “favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed)…” That part made me feel a little sad. Not to belittle your emotions, because they are yours and are legitimate. Maybe I am getting caught on a detail. I ended up sharing my own view on that idea today on my blog: http://thismummaslife.wordpress.com/2012/01/17/enjoy-every-moment/
I guess I just want to say, go easy on those “older ladies” for reminding you to find more kairos while you can.
thank you. there is someone else out there that feels the way i do. i love it, and this blog, and even though i’m a newbie monkee, i am honored to feel the camaraderie. i read and will follow the rules…i hope to continue to be inspired by you.
[…] To read the article I am mentioning, check out “Don’t Carpe Diem” here. And to read yet another take on the whole matter, read “Carpe Diem” here. […]
you are my hero right this minute ha! amazing post.
Thank you for allowing me 2 minutes to feel like i am not alone! This message came at a much needed time, as do those karios moments!
this is a great post. Thanks for posting it!
Well said! Thank you!
I’ve said that myself before and I do truly mean it. My children are now ages 11, 12 and 14. We are finishing up the last year of elementary school and my oldest is about to start high school. I look at them and think “how did they get SO big SO fast?!” We were JUST in preschool! Time seems to fly by. I heard recently that when raising children “the days are LONG and the years are FAST” That is so true. I remember when those “chronos” days were endlessly long but now that they are all getting so big and going their own ways more and more I wish I could snatch back a few of them so have patience with those that say to “cherish the moments” because those of us that are saying them are really saying “I wish I could have some of them back” 🙂
Hah! This made me laugh and cry. I was you 15 years ago with a child who was incredibly oppositional. Chronos and Kairos moments intermixed daily. I lived for that moment when she fell asleep! Now I’m a kindly old lady who will tell you that you have beautiful children and keep my mouth shut about precious moments!
thank God someone had the guts to say it! thank you
THANK YOU.
Thank you, thank you and thank you some more. This was shared with me by a young co-worker who does not yet have children, but had the motherly instinct to think of me when she read it. I’ve soooo struggled as well with the angst of “am I not enjoying this enough” and “if I complain this much why does my heart ache for a 3rd?” I KNOW these women in Target, and I know about the credit pen, the bra, and the feathers! lol!! Might I add, 120 consecutive reputitions of “mommy hold me” from my 2yr old while I’m trying to answer the phone and prepare dinner; enter the 4yr old who is having a meltdown from upstairs b/c her tutu appears to have become MIA in the past 24 hrs., so I pick up “Hold me” and head upstairs only to find “tutu” has destroyed her bedroom in just under 2 minutes and swears she can’t find the tutu that is clearly sitting at her feet. She then tags in “hold me” who absolutely CANNOT wait 2 seconds for me to get back downstairs without starting another 120 reps of “I want milk cereal” until his sippy cup and cereal snack cup are securely in hand. Let’s see, I got home at 6:00 and it’s now 6:05, whew…it’s going to be a long night.
Mine are 4 and 2, I’m a self proclaimed “working mom warrior” and for the first time in 4 years, someone has made sense of these feelings for me, b/c God knows I haven’t been able to do it myself. My coworker may have sent this to me, but God definitely had His hand in it. Bless you!!! You are a GREAT mom!
I can’t think of a post I’ve ever enjoyed more, agreed with more, loved more, and that reached deeply into my heart and soul & made me both cry and smile more. Thank you for writing this. Both my kids are in college, but come home and fight on the breaks!!! I love having them home…..I’m glad when they go back to the dorm……I love looking at old pictures…..I treasure their lives.
I haven’t had a good cry in years. I have 3 boys under 7. I’m almost 40. I got to the line “helluva hard” and couldn’t contain my tears. For some odd reason, I’m weeping. I think its because somewhere out there someone understands me and can write about it. Its so good, so right. Thank you.
I have a hard time reading long blog posts… except for yours. I stayed glued. Your words are as appropriate and healing as the way your arrange them. Thank you, head monkee.
You are a great mom, I can tell. And I like your kids; especially the one who is sucking on the credit card machine pen.
I hope that someone picks up your bill and loads them for you, your three kids and new infant in your arms. You deserve it. You work hard.
Great post. Most of those people who ask you why you want more- they can learn a lot from you.
I love your post. I believe in the family and am grateful for the people in this world who stand up for it and try their best to have good families. Thank you.
I also want to give you a “Hoorah!” for you doing what you do! Way to go, Mom!
ps. I think you might like this if you haven’t seen it. (Okay, well, even if you have seen it, it’s one of those things that you learn from every time you read it.) It is called “The Family: A Proclamation to the World.”
http://lds.org/Static%20Files/PDF/Manuals/TheFamily_AProclamationToTheWorld_35538_eng.pdf
pps. I love your family picture!
Beautiful post! You’ve articulated something so essential to being a parent – and your thoughts on chronos time vs. kairos time are truly inspiring. Thank you. 😉
[…] at Momastery has an amazing post about the things people mean when they say “carpe diem.“ She […]
A friend and I always wonder if we are the only ones that feel like we live this way, with the same thoughts. How wonderful to hear that there are those out there as honest about parenthood as we are. Thank you so much for sharing that.
[…] https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/Let’s end on funny. Is this ‘viral’ yet? It seems so. I died laughing and then had a Steel Magnolias (the laugh/cry) moment. “I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes…” Spot on lady. Advertisement GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Origin", "other"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_bg", "ffffff"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_border", "bbbbbb"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_text", "333333"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_link", "1c9bdc"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_url", "1c9bdc"); GA_googleAddAttr("LangId", "1"); GA_googleFillSlot("wpcom_sharethrough"); Like this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]
What a relief to know that I am not the only one!
Hilarious. And so true.
This: “It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime” should be printed on business cards and handed out to every mom of a child under age 10 during a moment of chronos.
And this: “I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.” Is so funny and so true I can barely stand it.
Thanks.
Now I’m going to go email all my employed-outside-the-home friends and tell them how fast their job will go and how they have to thank heaven for every minute of their tenure in that cubicle.
[…] had to have a moment, I guess. And I think that’s normal and good to have. Then I remembered SB’s Mom’s article she shared on the other moments, the kairos ones. The times where Joe Jr is so precious. Those are […]
This is so honest and so encouraging to those of us in the trenches with you. We love our kiddos and SO love when they are tucked nicely in bed. Carry on warrior!