Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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I’ve seen your post all over facebook today. I hope you know how much so many mom’s appreciate what you’ve written!
[…] young ones and feeling a bit overwhelmed by your day, you may really enjoy this blog post – Don’t Carpe Diem. (I really needed it on the day I read it. Long, looooooong […]
Oh my God- this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. xoxo- Kari
http://www.healthycastles.com
AMEN. and amen.
[…] This post has gone completely viral. There are 1,917 comments on it, so yeah, it is getting read. Why? Because it makes you laugh and cry and savor all at the same time. Related Posts:servant-hood – a call to actioncarpe diemgo check this outsacred sabbaths: learned from, not lived in […]
Brilliant article – made me laugh, made me think, made me feel good about myself and my life. Love the idea of Kairos. I really think that is key – finding a few moments of joy in each day to think about and treasure and to keep you going.
Oh yes, I get you. Completely! And yes, every time someone does the old, ‘and you want MORE children’ comment, I imagine myself punching them in the face!
I remember telling a new mommy to enjoy every moment with her newborn, why? because I didn’t…..I did let it slip before my eyes and before I knew he was a toddler and I wanted that moment back the day he was born, so I could have a do-over…. I would do anything to get back those moments with my son, I now enjoy every moment I can with him…
Amen sister. I agree compeltely. Over time we tend to remember the best of things that we love. Love what you have written!
Yes!
[…] week, a blog post was making the rounds about this very issue, about how difficult it is to really enjoy this […]
Thank you so much for this! There are sooo many mummas that I know who will love reading this after a cry & huge sigh of relief will love you for being so honest & sharing. I have a 5 year old, 3 year old & 1 year old myself. Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.I’m putting that on my kitchen wall! xxoo
Thank you for the Kairos moment reading this! God bless you for sharing your realization to see the good in the challenges, the sweetness in the moments. Well done Glennon…tally forth! We’re here, praying for you..smiling all the way! HUGS =D ~j~’s
this is like those who say their children never ever gave them a problem it is selective memory (don’t want to call them liars) xx
I LOVE THIS! I have two boys and have gone through my ups and downs each day, but you put into words what I have been so afraid to think most day and actually say. What a great outlook – honesty in parenting. While I love both my boys for all the joy they bring me, there are so many times during the day, that I really wonder why I’m on this uphill climb. But now, my new mantra will be, like you, to count the Kairos. Great blog!
This was fabulous! I laughed aloud several times (it’s so good to know that toher mothers dare to take their children out to stores, and that these children behave so similarly to mine). I have to say as both a mother and a psychologist who works specifically with new mothers with depression, this was a normalizing post that rang absolutely true with me. For ever talk I give on postpartum depression, I am always demoralized by the knowing nods of women when I talk about the “motherhood myth” (That everything about having a child is so wonderful). What particularly saddens me is when young women who haven’t even had children yet, and probably aren’t at the stage that they’re necessarily thinking about it, acknowledge this view. So, thank you. Your post is exactly the kind of “breaking the motherhood myth” that I hear so many women asking for. I may quote you on your Mt. Everest analogy if you don’t mind. It’s a good one!
Glennon,
You have said it all. I have three children, all of them out on their own with children of their own. No one tells you life will be that hard before you start having your chilren – they should. We need to be prepared. and maybe if we are prepared then it might not be quite as hard. But memories and feelings came crashing back in as I read your blog. There were moments I could have packed my bags and left it all behind; there were moments I packed the kids’ bags and sent them off to visit my parents; and there are those moments that were pure bliss and will be remembered forever.
I can say to mothers, standing in the Target line, that the children grow up fast; and you might want to hang onto the Kairos moments because that is what gets us through the chronos times.
Thank you for being honest with yourself and with us; and for all those mothers who say they enjoyed EVERY moment of parenting: Denial isn’t a river in Egypt…
Grace-Marie
I followed a friend’s link here. I’m an atheist so I usually don’t follow her links when I think they might have religious overtones (e.g., seeing a word like Momastery in the URL 🙂 ), but I am SO glad I did this time!
My husband and I struggled through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss before finally having our son in June. There are beautiful, wonderful moments in this thing called motherhood. And the worst days with him are so much better than the worst days were before he was here. But I’ve been hating myself for almost seven months now for not loving every single moment of it. For thinking that the worst days with him really aren’t better than the best days before he was here.
Thank you for being brave enough to share your thoughts. Thank you for helping me realize that I’m not a monster and that it’s normal to feel this way.
What we are trying to say, maybe badly is, Hang in there, you are doing a great job and we know how it seems to be never ending grind but you can do it because it really doesn’t go on for ever, it just feels like that at the time. One day you will be the person telling a young mum to enjoy-no really, you will!!
[…] about their negative feelings. Is it any wonder, when mothers are constantly lectured by everyone, even perfect strangers in Target, about the correct way to feel? (“Oh, enjoy every minute of your children’s lives! It all goes […]
BEAUTIFULLY said! Thank you! I have 3 kids, ages 6, 4, and 2, and have felt for some time that I want another baby, EVEN THOUGH I “can’t handle the ones’ I’ve got.” I loved your thoughts on that issue. They will be shared with my husband soon. (: Thanks!
Wow…this is exactly what I needed! Earlier today I was crying because I thought I was a terrible mother for being frustrated with my son and needing a mental break from his tantrums and his crying. I told my husband that God really didn’t think I should be a mother and that was why I had fertility issues and that I went around him and did fertility treatment and now I’m paying for it. It’s so hard when you are surrounded by women who pretend they’ve never had a rough moment with their children. It’s so nice to read someone’s honest feelings. Your writing is beautiful and your blog will be a place I visit frequently! Thank you!
I rarely take the time to comment on a blog post. But I have tears rolling down my cheeks right now. This post was pure gold, the whole way through. Thank you so very much for writing it.
Unbelievable. Stunning. Amazingly written in all ways. Ignore the mama haters out there (or at least pray for them) and cherish those of us wise enough to realize that we’re better women (and mothers) for having read this. Thank you dear. Hugs and well wishes, Brynn
This is soo true! Thanks for this post.
I went to this great church where a lot of the older ladies had had 5 or 6 kids, and they were great about this – they would often say things like, “Let me hold that baby for you while you chase down your toddler” or “Take these extra sandwiches home for lunch tomorrow, dear” or “Been there, done that, glad its over”. They loved children, but they were real with me about how hard it had been to raise their own. It made such a difference.
You, my friend, are an inspiration! I just laughed harder through tears than I can ever remember doing. I have 5 (including 2 yr old twins), and this is a regular feeling in my life. Thank you. Thank you. I love parenting. My children are the greatest blessing in my life, but I don’t LOVE when they pour a bottle of nail polish all over my white bathroom sink (aka. this morning). A sweet friend sent me this link, and I truly believe it was an answer to a prayer. Carry on, Warrior!
I too have 5 including 2 year old twins, also! We should connect! Our oldest is 8 and the twins are the youngest. So we have 8,6,4,2 x2!
I struggle with this all the time! But I get a lot of “I don’t know how you do it.” and “Glad its you and not me.”
Thank you for such an honest post that really hit home at the heart of my soul.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this!! This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I’m a mom of a 9 month old son and sometimes I feel sad that he’s growing up so fast and then I feel guilty for not “enjoying every moment.” I have a tendency to look back on my life and see what I should have done better and it’s been like a broken record in my head lately “You should have cherished each moment when he was younger and he would let you cuddle with him.” Should have, should have, should have. What I really need to be focused on is what I DID do right.
You are a very good writer and I really appreciate you writing this post. It really has helped me and I’m going to start measuring my success how you do–with Kairos moments. Thank you again!
OK, sheepishly acknowledging having said that to moms of babies and toddlers before . . . and you are right – I love having parented. But I did love it when I was in the middle of it, or at least it feels that way now. Yes, there were moments. Of course there were. And days, even.
But my two girls are teenagers now, and as much as I adore the young women they are growing into, I’d give anything to have one more day with their little selves, the versions of them who believed I knew everything, the looks that radiated adoration – instead of the random eye rolls and the shrugging off of a hug I get now. Don’t get me wrong – I love them. I love listening to them, talking with them, seeing the world through their idealistic, hopeful eyes. But I miss the physicality of parenting little ones. I want to hug and hold, and they don’t. I get it. I didn’t want my mom hanging on me when I was teen, that’s for sure. But still . . .
So when we older women remind you to enjoy it, we mean it. Because parts of it are irreplaceable. And if you’re not enjoying every moment and every day? Well, welcome to humanity. 🙂
wow, perfectly said
Beautifully written, and I would think anyone who has been a parent understands the sentiment.
This makes me think I must be on the edge of crossing that line into old ladyhood, as I read this and can relate to the old woman in the store wanting to say something supportive, something comforting to the mother with young children, especially when she is struggling or just looks tired or worn out. I try to remember what I would have wanted to hear when I was that mom and usually all I can come up with is a smile. More than anything, I don’t want her to think that I am one of those making judgments or grumbling about her child’s behavior. And in a weird kind of way–though I would never want to go back to being a mother with young children (I guess I take the been there, done that approach)–I do kind of miss it and I understand why “seize the moment” is on the tip of every “old lady’s” tongue. Those kids of yours are only brand new people once and it’s an adventure, an amazing journey, and yes it’s also hard and frustrating, but it’s kind of exhilarating, as well.
I think what the old ladies might really be saying is that they miss that energy, that feeling of being capable of taking on such an enormous task, because right now in their lives it is not something they would even contemplate doing. It’s just that enormous, the job of raising children. I have teens now, and it’s a whole new type of adrenaline rush. Easier, in my opinion, but still I look at mothers with young children and have to stop and remind myself how I ever managed. And sometimes I do get a bit wistful. In another ten years, I’m sure the task is going to look even more daunting. How they choose to say it– I can see that the words might not be adequate– but I think the heartfelt meaning is that they remember and they relate and in the end it is all worth it — even the roughest moments when you are most tired — they are all worth it.
Great analysis, Tracy! Thanks for weighing in. And Glennon, thank you for the fabulous post!
Wow!!! Thankyou. I have recently felt so overwhelmed with the vision of somany perfect Mothers with perfect lives and children who read the text book. Ihave had this exact comment from my sister inlaw (her youngest is now a teenager…..my eldest of 3 is 6). Iknow it passes quickly and I know that sometimes I can ride a downward spiral where I miss the great stuff but seriously…………….So wonderful to see some honesty and yes, being aware of all this does make us GREAT Mums!
Well, that just made my day! When I start getting excited about school being back in session, I hear the lady who unknowingly and unmeaningly chastised me with her words, “I don’t understand how women get so happy when it’s time to send their kids to school. Kids are such a blessing! They are a gift from God.” 😀
Kairos! Cheers!
Enjoy this beautiful, long weekend.
You are brilliant.
That was so well put. Thank you! It reminds me of a conversation I had with my step-mother. She told me it took no effort to raise her three children. This seemed odd to me before I had kids, and now that I have two, just ludicrous. I sensed that “effort” had a negative connotation for her, while in its definition, it simply means exerting energy. But for some reason, it had such an emotional weight for her. It was as though if she were to admit that it took effort to raise her kids, she was no longer a good mother, or that she hadn’t enjoyed it. Why are we so afraid to admit that it’s one of the hardest friggin’ jobs in the world? Why do we assume that only effortless activities can bring joy? It’s definitely time to do away with these old beliefs.
Oh, and I am often starting my countdown to bedtime in Chronos time at noon. 🙂
Lovely. Thanks for sharing. I am like the old lady there at the cash counter. I see my daughter going thru this with her triplets. Now I know what to say instead of ENJOY the moments….
[…] 2011 Lesson #2: Don’t Carpe Diem {Momastery} […]
Amen sister. hell to the yeeeahhh.
that’s the best response I’ve ever read, Amber. Hell to the yeeeeahhh!
[…] tell me to enjoy every single moment of parenting because it all goes by so fast and this is exactly how I feel about […]
Love, love, love your honest writing. As a mother of four sweet girlies under 3.5. I struggle daily with whether I am truly enjoying each moment, I’m learning its ok to admit its really, really hard. Bliss for me is when its peaceful, and they are playing together nicely but those moments are out-shined by the whining and hair pulling that consumes our house. We are striving to slow down, all they care about is being with us. There is something so beautiful, simple and boring about their needs right now. In the haze of 4 years of sleep deprivation I am trying to just be here in this moment instead of daydreaming about the days when I learn to STTN again. LOVE your blog! thanks for sharing your gift.
Thank you so much for sharing this!
Thank you. Thank you again. These are the most honest words I have read in years. I struggled with the same issues while raising my oldest 2 children. Their father left this world when my eldest daughter was 3, and her little brother just a month from being born. I never was very crafty, nor was I lighthearted & playful with them…All of the time. I did have my moments where I would have gotten an A+ mom award, but I found it very hard a lot of times to be like those moms in the magazines. Now that they are 14 and 11, with a 23 month old sister, I have relaxed a lot. My kids profess their love for me daily, they know it was hard for me, but they remember all the great times, home cooked meals, and the love I gave them. The older 2 do anyway. My youngest is a sweet girl in her own way, and the cuddliest child I’ve ever known. There are still days that I just want a retired mother who can cover for me for 24 hours, so I can take a long nap and regain some time for my own sanity. I love my kids so much it hurts, I would literally lay down my life for each and every one of them. They are all so different but lovely in their own ways. I could go on and on about them.
Anyway, back to topic. Thank you again for your post. I too can’t wait for the day when I can be the old lady who buys a struggling mom’s groceries, or simply give her a “Hang on Warrior, 6 hours till bedtime”! Your words were so honest and close to my heart, that I had to thank a sister for her words of encouragement. We are not alone. Those judgmental women will always be this. It’s nice to know that other moms have troubles too, but still love their kids more than themselves. It helps us smile when the magazine moms look down on our store bought cupcakes or a weekend retreat for ourselves. Carry on Warriors! 😀
thank you for your words. i really needed to hear them today. press on – you are a wonderful mother!
Finally something I can relate to. Thank you for writing this- it is the best thing I’ve read in a long time and has made me feel much better tonight. I struggle with the very same feelings every day. I am so sick of the parents that either pretend to, or maybe they really do enjoy every moment. They feel the need to voice their opinion that you are not a good parent if you don’t feel the same way. Frankly I think THEY are the ones who are abnormal. Or maybe their kids are just “easy”. I wish more views like these were shared so NORMAL parents can feel better about their parenting and not guilty that they don’t thouroughly enjoy every second. There is enough guilt felt during the day.
Wonderful post, and as a single dad raising four kiddos, it is most definitely the Kairos moments that I treasure also.
I certainly don’t enjoy every day of parenting. But I do enjoy a lot of the moments. And yes, I detest a bunch of them too. But I love my kids and we have a happy family. And that’s what matters to me.
Every day, before anyone can whine or ask for something or complain they don’t want to go to school, I watch my little kids wake up. It’s sweet and comforting and the essence of being a mom to me.
And then? They open their mouths.
😉
Perfectly, perfectly written. I have five and it’s a struggle. Worth it, definitely. But, also hard. You have a beautiful family! Carry on, Sister!
I FELT THIS SAME WAY! I totally get what you are saying – it is hard, you are exhausted, it is all-consuming and stressful – and yet you love your kids more than you can ever say- and wouldn’t trade your life for anything. When I was a young mom – same story – everywhere I went. It made me feel so guilty because I wasn’t enjoying every moment but I couldn’t figure out how to do it- so I could be a “good” mother… and failing – getting irritated because they made a huge mess, didn’t nap, etc. I would tell my husband and he would always say, “Amnesia victim”. He didn’t feel guilty- just believed they couldn’t remember REALLY what it was like.
BUT GUESS WHAT???? I LEARNED THE SECRET AND I WILL SHARE IT WITH YOU – IT IS 100% TRUE AND JUST AMAZING!!!!!
Here’s all you have to do:
Become a grandmother!!!!! We loved being parents, but grandparenting is crazy joy. We are fortunate to keep our little sweetheart a lot – AND WE DROP EVERYTHING. My husband and I are so silly over her – our life is so different now that when we have her – we let everything else go and we just sit and play with her, and watch her, and take pictures of any little thing and spend hours just feeding her, rocking her, bathing her, reading to her, just inhaling every moment. When my son picks her up I try to tell him some amazingly cute thing she did and he tries to listen but he’s hurrying here or there. I don’t judge it – I remember it.
They are young and starting their busy new family life. But we are older, less busy, less concerned over what anybody thinks and crazy in love with a 20lb angel. In my experience – that’s all I’m saying – in my experience – parenting is one kind of joy- like the Daytona 500, but when it’s over and you realize how great it was overall – and you start having grandchildren – That’s when you are in a place in mind, spirit and experience to Carpe Diem. My mother used to tell me when I was little to not “wish my life away” trying to get to the next phase. But life really is phases and seasons and there is a season for everything. Just smile and thank the sweet amnesia victims who are really only trying to help <3
hahaha! I often think that when I look at my mum with my kids!!
I applaud you. really I do. I feel this way every day and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. from reading some of the comments, not everyone agrees with you, and that’s totally fine. I jut wish they wouldn’t make you (and me by extension) feel freakish, or like we are horrible people for it. I’m so glad that they don’t feel this way. I wish I could, too. I have a 7 and a 4 year old. If it were just a matter of having a better attitude or focusing on the positive, then I would’ve figured it out by now.
So thank you, for writing this and taking the heat for it. you rock…
I loved your article and power to you for not being afraid to express what so many of us feel. It isn’t about loving your children any less, or not being a good enough mom. Its about being able to admit we are human – and routines and life can get overwhelming.
Wow! this post and the blogger are terribly sad. I know exasperated moms like you hate hearing this but some of us do enjoy parenting and take the good with the bad. I don’t wake up in the morning look at my son and think “ugghhh…can’t wait till you go to sleep tonight”. I do enjoy every moment because before we know it these kids will be grown up and out the door. Maybe for you this will be a happy day but for some of us it will be bittersweet. This is not to say I don’t have moments of exhaustion and exasperation, but I love seeing my son smile, hearing him giggle, spending time with him, getting to know him even more, exploring with him,learning with him, playing with him. Those are the things that I CHOOSE to focus on, not the annoyances which can be many. Not to mention, don’t you think your attitudes and negative energy you are directing at your children sets a horrible example? that people who exasperate you and annoy you or force you to stop your selfish tendencies for a moment don’t deserve love? and that one day your when your children are grown they will roll their eyes and say “Ugghh, you again Mom? how long will you be staying?” …you know “Cat’s in the Cradle”. You may think your negativity goes unnoticed by your children. or maybe you just don’t care. but those attitudes leave a mark on them. Since you judged me for caring about the unconscious messages I send my child. you deserve judgement, for hating parenting, not being able to handle it, being overwhelmed and having more children than you can obviously handle and encouraging other moms to focus on the negative side of parenting. Life is about duality, positive and negative and you always get more of what you focus on!
Wow, this is the first time I’ve read your blog and wow. A-to-the-men! I love this! I feel the same way so many times, and MrsLynch can suck it. Carry on Warrior!
O my lord. Did you even read this? Are you seriously saying you enjoy EVERY moment? What about when you are cleaning baby poo off the wall cause your toddler took his nappy off and decided that the wall could use a coat of shit? Do you ENJOY THOSE MOMENTS? This isn’t about ‘focusing on the negative’ It is about acknowledging that there are negativity moments (many) in parenting and that it is OK not to enjoy them. But the positive moments – the ones that take your breath away – make up for and exceed the negative ones.
Good on you if you enjoy EVERY moment (I am sure you are one of those mums who sing show tunes while washing the vomit out of your hair – for the tenth time that day – cause you know – when they are older, you will NEVER get the chance to do that again and all that) but I sure as hell don’t. What I do enjoy are THOSE moments – the ones that make me feel unexplainable lucky to be a mum.
This is one of the BEST ever blog entries I have EVER read. Thankyou.
Wow…I’d say you might be the one who is discouraging and judgemental here (could also add self righteous). This sweet mama is just trying to be honest and put off the “i have it together” image every woman on this planet is pressured to keep up. When you have an intimate relationship with God you can more easily shed that crazy image and be humble – it’s pure freedom and if you haven’t found that yet in Christ I encourage you to seek it out. God will take care of her kids. I can tell that she loves them dearly and they will grow up just fine.
Oh my! Mrs Lynch, apparently you are a selfless, perfect person, who never gets tired or a little negative. Not to mention, most likely, not very honest. Raising kids is incredibly hard, harder for some than others. I guess it upsets you to have a mom speak the truth. It must just rub a poopy diaper on your perfectly phony reality! Anyway, BE NICE TO PEOPLE! Not everyone is made the same, so please, stop being nasty to those who share different views. Maybe if you quit being so judgemental, you could help a warrior out instead of cutting her down! After all, you have all the answers. 😉
Seriously, Mrs Lynch? If you are not brave enough to be honest, then why bother? We are all only human, and love our children more than life. You shouldn’t throw stones in glass houses.
you my dear to get a life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lynch, I’m thinking you must have only skimmed this article or not read the whole thing. Give it another read. You’ve clearly misunderstood this beautiful article. I guess that in every situation, there always will be those few who will never actually understand, in this case, that’s you. No ill will intended. I hope whatever it is in your life that would prompt you to write a response like this gets resolved soon. Best of luck to you.
I’m sad for everyone that got only negativity from this article.
It was great to read this, particularly at the end of a day where I feel like something must be wrong with me because I’m not loving every single minute of motherhood, though I wouldn’t exchange any of it. No wait, I might trade that time last week where my 2 year old pulled a towel into the tub and then drop it onto the floor before I could stop it from happening, causing the floor to be totally flooded, then proceeded to cause more household damage than all my other kids put together in their lifetimes…I might trade that moment. Kudos for speaking your mind. And to all the Maria’s in the crowd, well, I’m glad your lives are all sunshine and roses- I’m not living in a movie,and some days I find being a mom frustrating. Sue me.
“Maria’s ” refers to Maria VonTrapp- not to anyone who may have actually been named Maria in this thread of responses!
[…] cream away from a child whose hands are smeared in fecal matter. (Now, go take the pill.) Anyway, read this. Thanks, Anna for the link. Tweet (function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = […]
Possible the “carpe diem” for you would be to RELAX, don’t get so uptight. Yoga is great for this. It is a fast paced life we lead, and by relaxing and not getting uptight, we are not worried about “being in the Moment” or making sure our kids have all teh right clothes, or that our kids know everything by kindergarten. I do agree with some of the posts, you seem a little uptight, and someone who does not like anyone to tell them what to do.
Well I do have some advice, be relaxed, try some yoga, the more relaxed you are, the more patient and it is true , you might, “enjoy your day” and be in the moment when you are not so uptight.
That is a little sad when you say the best part of your day is sitting on the couch watching television.
OMG – is that the secrete? Yoga!! Thanks so much! After I finish 1/2 hour my yoga session and find that in that time Miss 1 has shoved the cat in the toilet, Mr 2 has mashed a banana into the carpet and Mr 5 has drawn a picture on the walls with a permanent marker, I will be so relaxed I will ENJOY cleaning all that up! Yoga – why didn’t I think of that!
Wow! I really beg to differ on this comment here.
Of all things, I do NOT think this mom is uptight. I think her perspective is RIGHT ON! It is so EASY to say to relax, dont be uptight & just enjoy the moment.
Is it easy when you have 1 kid barfing- a dog peeing on the floor while the others are running around the house chasing each other? Is it easy when you’re baby has a “turbo poo” in the shopping cart that’s spread up his back & you still have to grab what you needed @ the store so that you can get to the school ontime for pick up?
Those are not moments where stop and think Gee I am so relaxed because I took my yoga today. It’s always easy to say relax to others- my husband makes this mistake too….But are you REALLY relaxed in these moments?? Come on REALLY?
After those moments have passed, yes we can relax & even laugh at them. We get through those moments by God’s grace. But in the heat of “those moments”, I am not relaxed, I’m not enjoying them & I sweat bullets to be quite honest.
I think you missed the whole point of her entry here.
We moms all have “these moments” lets come together and support each other in them. We need to “cheer” each other through it, just as you would cheering someone to the finish line in a marathon. I dont need to hear “just relax” . I need to hear ” Let’s go…You got this!! Good job! You’re doing it!! Go Go GO!!!” “This too shall pass! ”
Again, she hit the nail on the head with this! I couldnt have said it better myself…yoga or not!
This was so exactly what I needed to be reminded of today. Thank you for this message. Carry on, warrior.
Thank you so much for this post I have sat and laughed and cried. A friend of mine sent me the link to read knowing it was what I needed to read at the moment. I have three kids my self and im finding it all very challenging at the moment, and oftern say to my 2 year old “its a good job your so cute!” xxx
Kids hate shopping.
LOVE this post! You are hilarious and insightful. 🙂 Glad my sister e-mailed me the link to your blog. Of course we want to aim for enjoying every moment of our lives, but it is just unrealistic. I love your explanation of Chronos vs. Kairos time. I think, like you said, the trick is to be able to bring your consciousness into Kairos time as often as possible. Love it. Thanks!
This was such a timely posting for me. My boys are almost grown (19 and 21), yet the Chronos vs Kairos time resonates still. Lovely to imagine how your children are going to benefit having you as their mom…
[…] from Momastery, writes it best in her blog entitled Don’t Carpe Diem. Here is an excerpt from the […]
Thank you so much for making me laugh out loud, realize I’m not the only one and put everything in perspective. You have a talent with words!
BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO!!!! Finally someone said it, spoke the truth, and so well I might add! Can’t thank you enough for putting into words, or even into coherent thoughts, my exact feelings on this. You SO hit the nail on the head. I might only post a comment a year on blogs, but I HAD to let you know how brilliant this was! Thank you again- you made my day! ~Margaret
[…] the other night, this beautiful, fun friend of mine shares a link with me. Says it reminded her of my recent reposting of some old words of mine. About how, […]
[…] mom earlier, to find a very smart friend of mine had left me this link with no explanation: Don’t Carpe Diem from the Momastery. I couldn’t have asked for more; you have to read it. It put my day […]
[…] 2011 Lesson #2 : Don’t Carpe Diem Finder, General, Me, Mother, Seeker Jan042012 […]
Thank you. You found words for something I always felt was true but couldn’t express. You made my day!
Just wanna agree with you. Not a mother yet (not even close, actually), but I am the oldest of five. I can totally say the intra-family relationship is totally different than what it was when we were younger. When I was a child and my younger siblings were infants/toddlers/kiddos, my parents were often stressed, a little quicker to anger… We had to be handled more strictly and a lot of the time, it just wasn’t very fun. We did have great moments, of course, but I hear you.
Now that we’re all older and don’t need the same kind of attention and discipline, our family is free to actually hang out and have a relationship with each other. We couldn’t have gotten here without the hard times, but the kind of fun and love and playfulness and good conversation we have now is so worth it. So worth it. Your efforts as a mom right now are so valuable, and it will pay off later when your kids are grown.
Followed a link on Twitter to this, and I’m so glad I did. This is brilliant. I hope I remember to buck up a mom in the way you imagine (6 hours till bedtime!) when I’m old, too!
This was the best thing I’ve read in a LONG LONG LONG time and just what I needed after the week I’ve had. Thank you for writing it.
I’m crying-laughing because you are SO right. “I especially love that one peeing in the corner”. LM(head)O. OMG. It’s true. I’m a NEW mom – dear gawd – if that isn’t the most difficult, miserable, amazing job in the world! I try to be honest and people HATE it – they think I’m about to off myself or run away leaving my child behind. Please. He’s my world. I love him so much it hurts my heart thinking about him! But some days a good SCREAM would do me a world of good. He’s 4.5 months now. We got our groove on around 2.5 months. The first 2 months were literally hell on earth – WHILE STILL LOVING him with all my being.
Thank you for this. You write WELL and TRUTHFULLY and I feel it. I’m going to print/save it.
Jenn
It gets easier…hang in there. I have three and once they can do things for themselves, life is bearable! Good luck
Hey,
I forgot to tell you that I am a young grandmother who is still working fulltime. I have a business with my youngest daughter and I help her as much as I can with her kids. I love them all to death. Feeling guilty never did anyone any good!
Well, my daughters are now mothers themselves and reading your blog made me realise that when I was raising them I had some moments like you are having. Getting older also make you realise that you would have liked to be able to give more time and attention to your kids so this is why little old ladies tell you to enjoy the moment.
Now I am a grandmother and that is exactly what I do with my grandchildren. I give them the attention that as a working mother I was not able to give all the time. Do not worry about that and if you think that you are doing your best …that’s what counts really.
One day it will be your turn to say so…
You use italics too much
The whole idea of Carpe Diem is to enjoy life, all of it. What was hard yesterday can make you smile today. I think back to a time when my son was throwing up all over the place when he was upset about having to go to bed, I laugh a little and it makes me smile – that wasn’t my initial reaction as I recall. As time passes, you find out the things you thought were hard or a pain weren’t all that hard or painful. It’s not that you forget how hard or how big of a pain something was, it’s that you gain perspective. In the grand scheme of things, we are lucky for every day we have – especially those that we get to spend with our loved ones. Observance of Carpe Diem allows us to keep that perspective present in our mind so we spend less of our life dwelling on the hard stuff and spend more time enjoying life for the gift it is. It’s easy to get lost in the minutia of life and lose perspective of how lucky we are. There’s lots of hard stuff in life, but keeping things in perspective makes them easier – it makes you smile a little bit more, makes you enjoy life a little bit more. It’s ok to say things are hard and it’s ok to be upset, but don’t lose your perspective.
I read back to some of your posts and I found a great example of this. The post is from your old site called “STOP DOING ANYTHING” on September 8th, 2001. Here is the part I found interesting.
“I put my kids to bed last night. I know it’s supposed to be precious time – bedtime, but I usually hate it. I read and sing and finally get them down and then they pop up one at a time for an hour and it’s like a twisted game of whack-a-mole. But last night I didn’t hate it. I loved reading to them and singing to them. Because it was the first night in two months that I’d had the energy to put them to bed. To tuck them in. And it was sort of wonderful. I’ve been given new eyes with which to see what an honor it is to care for little souls and hearts and minds. Miracle, really. Thanks, Lyme.”
See what you did there was gain perspective. Prior to that you had gotten caught up in the minutia of putting the kids to bed, it turned into a pain – so much so that you usually hated doing it. Isn’t that a shame? If you observe Carpe Diem and made a conscious decision to seize the day, seize the moment, it would be easier to keep that perspective. In the end, putting the kids to bed is something that you will miss one day, so why not try to enjoy it more now? Carpe Diem is just the reminder to do that, it doesn’t judge and it shouldn’t make you nervous.
Lovely! Thank you so much for voicing how I feel… and how bad I have felt when the struggle is really hard and I am not enjoying it… when the baby is crying for the 45th minute, etc. Thank you.
[…] it’s just about about putting yourself first before everything else, […]
Thank you soooooo much for your perfectly stated perspective. I have read, re-read, posted, re-posted, emailed & read this aloud within the past week. It might even be worth printing & having handy whenever a well intentioned person gives their advice! Can’t wait to follow your blog….thank you, thank you!
All I have to say, because so many think they are right, is, there is NO right answer… I did not read everything because there is just way too much, but what I think is, it is easier for some than for others… this does not take away the “wanting” more children, as I have three of my own and find it very difficult… I think we need to take charge of the parents we are and that’s all. No one is right but you! If you find it hard, you find it hard. If you work and have children and find it easy, well, good for you, this is you! Enjoy what you can and don’t compare yourself… I have done that way too often and this has brought me way more rough patches to get through for nothing!!! So, thank you Glennon for this reality check!!! Happy parenting no matter what!
I’m so glad your having a fourth!
[…] I don’t know what will happen in the next second, minute, hour, day, or as the writer at Momastery explains the difference between chronos time versus kairos time when people tell her to seize the […]
[…] 1. I know that I posted this on my Twitter feed this week, but I don’t know if you all follow it. If you are a mom, know a mom, or see moms in grocery stores, this is important. It is the most honest thing I’ve ever read and I keep going back to it because I just can’t believe that someone sucked the thoughts out of my head and put them on the internet. It is reassuring and wonderful. Go read it. […]
[…] reading this Dave has taken to saying to me, “Carry on, warrior! Only __ hours till bedtime.” And […]
Thank you for making me feel normal! I’m sure there are some parents out there who do love most minutes but it’s impossible to love every minute. Impossible. We’re only human after all. So here’s to embracing those moments, the good and the bad – and more importantly lets record them. Then one day, when our children are grown and have beautiful, mischievous, unpredictable babies of their own we can sympathise. On those hard days, the ones when you’ve shouted a little too much or said ‘I’m busy’ too many times and you want to curl up in a ball and cry, then – in those moments, we can make them laugh with the {accurate} tales of them throwing tantrums in public or covering themselves, their siblings and the couch with sudocrem.
Well done you….. I hear ya……and I hear the ‘ole wans’ too!…. so maybe we can just make 2 mins of ‘yeah…I remember why I had kids’ each day….. maybe EVEN before the kids are asleep…….
I have 1 child and v v v v often feel the same…… I too would like an addition!..
You make some awesome points and I’m sure you’re a wonderful mum too!
Brilliant. Thank you so much for this! WELL SAID. The carpe diem thing often nagged me and I felt like you described. What a relief that I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I am so thankful for this today! I often have felt so guilty like I am not thankful enough for my little guy! Honestly some days it’s all I can do to make it through the day! Thank you for making my experience ok and normalizing motherhood! I laughed and laughed at this article. Keep up the honest observant commentary, it was a huge blessing to me :0)
I’ve only got one daughter (2 1/2), and I don’t know how you do it! Parenting is very hard and I believe if you aren’t admitting that it’s difficult, you are lying. So good for you for saying it “out loud”!
[…] this blog post…it perfectly describes how I felt today: https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ Like this:LikeBe the first to like this […]
Ah, the parenthood amnesia. The same thing that allows us to forget childbirth to have another child. I look back fondly on the days when my kids were infants. Dealing with a 6 and 8 y/o makes me long for the days when they were infants, until I actually struggle to dredge up the memories of sleepless nights, and inconsolable babies. I am sure in 5 years I will look back to these days fondly, not remembering the daily struggles, while dealing with a newly minted teenager.
Parenthood is the hardest job you will ever have.
[…] on this article just now, and it was just what I needed after a few days of watching the clock and feeling […]
Awesome and uplifting. Thank you for easing up that guilty load we moms carry around. I have so many chronos moments where my boys are wrestling in the middle of the grocery aisle heedless of who are what is around them…..
So it’s 8:59 pm, we just put our 3 kids down and literally laughed out loud. Something I haven’t done all day. You are so right, find the small moments of joy and don’t sweat the ones that don’t work out as planned.
I loved this blog. I wish I’d had it to read when I was younger. I am one of the old ladies (64) who sometimes tell younger women to enjoy their kids while they are little. I have never had any intention of making anyone feel bad and never claimed to have always appreciated my children when they were younger. I think I had all the same experiences that you all are having — got just as tired and cranky. I just sometimes miss my little kids. I wish I could see them again as they were then (I do occasionally in my grandchildren). I love them and appreciate them now as adults, but I still sometimes long for my little ones.
this is the best thing i have read on the internet posted by a mom, working, stay at home, or otherwise. thank you! it was very honest & rings with truth! i have been blessed today by your words!
[…] I recently read a blog that was like an epiphany on parenting for me. You might have seen it doing the round on the social networks, but if you haven’t you should check it out: Don’t Carpe Diem. […]
I have FIVE BOYS and all I can say to this lovely blog is “about time”!! It’s about time someone is honest!!! Everyday is a challenge and obviously we all enjoy the small amounts of pure bliss that we get from parenting because we get back up the next day to do it all again! Small being the key word! lol….Thanks for being real:)
[…] up 38. Space left to grow 39. A stereo in the living room and kids who love to dance 40. Seriously. Kairos. Filed Under: Quiet Space Tagged With: gratitude, kairos, […]
This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for being so honest and real. I feel exactly the same way! I have two girls 20 months apart and it is really hard! I loved your explanation of Kairos time. Rare, but treasured. Thank you so much!
I love this post. Thank you!
Wow!!! I have tears running down my face. Thank you so, so much for this post. This is EXACTLY how I feel and it doesn’t make it any easier but I am comforted to know I’m not the only one.
Thank you.
Thank you. I am definitely in a moment where I wait for the clock to hit 8 p.m. each night. And the minute I lay my little girl down, I already miss her.
Oh, I can so totally relate to your comment. Why is this so true? It’s the irony of life I guess and how it is so hard to be in the moment when the moment is so busy and full of many things to juggle to take our focus away from the beauty of it. Something for us all to work on, I suppose. Your post really spoke to me!
Girl, you’re amazing, seriously. I just think it’s hilarious how no matter where you are ( I live in Brazil ), or how many kids you have ( I’m still on my first ), or how old they are ( my baby girl is not even 2 months old yet), these “old ladies” are all the same. And when they come up to me telling me to “enjoy every second of it” when I have not slept for 2 days and there is not enough make up in the world to make me look pretty that day, I just smile cuz I don’t want to be rude saying what I really want to say. But when I look at the cutest smile from my beautiful baby girl…BAM, Kairos moment. Best definition ever. That ‘s why I’m saying, you rock. Simply rock!