Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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[…] a shock to me as it's not really talked about, but everyone I've spoken to says the same. I read this the other day, and found it really inspiring. Your days aren't going to be all rosy and joyful, but […]
This just brought tears to my eyes… eyes red from lack of sleep. It’s noon and I’ve yet to brush my teeth. I know I have BO and the dishes aren’t done from breakfast and my almost-one-year-old is ready for lunch. But I looked over while typing an email to a friend, and she was standing, supporting herself against the bookshelf, and dancing to Bach’s Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring. Now I have a name for that moment: Kairos. Thank you.
I don’t get the idea that those old ladies are judging us, I get the sense that they are reminiscing the day they played lead role in the lives of their charge. Young moms are in their prime. We are so lucky to be who we are. And if I am to understand them correctly, it goes by in a flash and then it’s done and you can’t go back. Its just a turn of phrase, I don’t think its meant to be taken literally.
amen sister. you hit the nail on the head. every time someone says that to me I just want to cringe! And you have perfectly explained how the reality of it.
I don’t know you, but I love you. Thanks for the awesome awesome awesome post! Really, thank you.
I’m a teacher, as well as a mother, and the author’s take could be said about teaching as well. I love it and I hate it at the same time! And when I’m away from it, I miss it. I love her point about the hardest things in life also being the most fulfilling. I bet Edison felt the same way about his inventions: it must’ve been really frustrating for him but he kept at it and some moments were awesome. Life isn’t set up so we enjoy every SINGLE minute. It’s the yin and the yang. But when I’m going crazy with the nighttime routine, I ask myself: Is this worth it? And the response is always “Yes, this is soooo worth it.” Even if my kids have no idea I feel that way because I’m being cranky mama at the moment. But remembering that it’s worth it helps me calm down a little. That and knowing me time is just around the corner.
Sincerely blinking back tears. I’m glad someone had the guts to say it with such beauty and honesty. I keep trying so hard to value every moment, and that guilt is so heavy. My son was a preemie, and I’ve caught myself thinking, “Dang it!! I VALUED my pregnancy! I loved it even when I was puking! Why didn’t it last longer? No fair!”
Life isn’t fair, I didn’t really love puking, and my baby is still incredibly cranky and probably needs a nap. I really hope he’ll take one.
[…] in my email inbox was messages from some moms discussing whether to carpe or not to carpe the diem regarding time with our children. The conversation started because one mom emailed us […]
A very honest text! It totally rings truth with my experience as a mother or four. I find it brilliant how you were able to recognize and voice your feelings, that usually go on repressed inside most moms’ hearts. Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done so far, and yes, those precious Kairos moments come as a balm. I wish more of us will be more truthful to our own experiences as you are, so that, our daughters will met more of the old lady you described as yourself in the future, instead of the infecting gilt-ful out of touch ones that we meet out there. Oh, yeah, they are “well intended”, they are just trying to warn us that we will regret not being happy about feeling miserable – How out of touch is that? Living in the moment and being real! When I follow my own heart, I can feel everything, and be ok with it, knowing who I really am. That way I don’t have to join the guilty old lady”fake happiness” misery.
I LOVE it! You have a beautiful family and a beautiful outlook. Kuddos!
I think you all are missing the boat. These well-intentioned ladies are trying to tell you to deliberately make those Kairos moments as often as possible. They aren’t saying, “Don’t you just love changing dirty diapers?”…they are trying to remind you to play peek-a-boo with your little one when you do. They aren’t saying they never longed for Daddy to finally show up at the end of the day because they were too busy ‘enjoying’ their children…they are trying to help you focus on the bigger picture instead of the mindless minutia related to child rearing and pull your children into your lap while you’re desperately waiting for Daddy to come home to tell those growing children how special they are and how thankful you are to have them in your life. They are reminding you to focus on the relationship you’re building with those little ones that can last a lifetime and not on the endless little details that are just a part of life regardless.
I’m not one of those older women, but I do believe I understand exactly where they are coming from. I’m expecting my fourth child soon and my 3rd was born before my oldest turned 4 so I’m in the thick of the fight, but I’m deliberately making those Kairos moments every day and enjoying every minute of them!
…and yes, I was just playing peek-a-boo with my toddler while changing his diaper despite being exhausted from not being able to sleep since 1:24am last night because of pregnancy hormones and fighting a nasty cold/sore throat, knowing the other two children were on the verge of waking up any moment so our peaceful moments would move at a much faster pace. I was enjoying his smiles and giggles so much that the mess in his pants just wasn’t a big deal. It would have been there anyway. I might as well enjoy HIM because it puts the little things in their place.
Thank you for your accounts of life as Super Mom, Rachel. The rest of us moms also play peek-a-boo while exhausted and changing a messy diaper as well, but when we don’t skip through the day spending every single second loving it doesn’t mean we’re not aware of the gift we have in our children.
Let me guess Rachel…you don’t work…therefore you have the luxury of thinking that only getting 2 hours of sleep on a given night is a just one of those cute “little things” about child rearing that you can take in stride because your full time job is your family. More power. I am a full time wife and mother as well as having a full time career. I thought her post was hilarious, and right on target…and I don’t feel one minute of guilt for being honest about it the way she has been. Maybe it is better understood by mammas that have a little more on their plate than poopy diapers. And believe it or not, I still manage to have many Kairos moments and happen to have two of the most well adjusted, brilliant, loving, empathetic, and overall fabulous children on the planet.
Rachel is right on! Sounds like the parent needs to grow up and instead of blogging have some fun–life is too short…I lost my mom at a young age and you never get time back, so love every min haha!!
Kim? Ugh. Really? I don’t agree with Rachel but the whole fight about who has more on their plates (stay at home vs. working moms) is pretty stale. Saying that a SAHM only has “poopy diapers” on their plate is such an insult. I work on the weekend and stay at home during the week and I think that we are all just doing our best. Please be respectful.
Since I have intermittently been both a stay at home mom and a working mom (both by choice at various stages of my children’s lives) I feel I do have a decent perspective on the issue and do not feel I was disrespectful at all. I just recognize that air of “2 hours of sleep in no big deal” because it isn’t when you don’t have to go to work. I know! I’ve been there! It is a big deal, however, for people who do, and that can affect our parenting perspectives on all these kinds of things. Besides the fact that anyone who doesn’t think the original post was anything but hilarious (Rachel) is taking life WAY to seriously and I’m surprised can play peek a boo at all…
PS: To “stay at home” Did you just say I should “grow up and instead of blogging have some fun”? Umm…aren’t you also blogging? Maybe you should take your own advice…
And to Mrs. Nix below, I don’t have to be ashamed of anything, especially since I have also been a stay at home mom as I said above, and think it’s great. My comment had nothing to do with that issue other than to say it breeds a different perspective and Rachel’s single minded opinion on the matter clearly does not take into consideration anyone else’s life situation.
Wow. That was just ugly and unnecessary. You should seriously be ashamed of that remark, and you need to work on your bitterness. Rachel’s comment was three different kinds of wrong, but her status as a working or stay-home has nothing to do with it.
Carpe diem is a Latin phrase that literally translated means, ‘seize or catch the day.’ Simply put, make the most of this day. The title of this post is ‘don’t carpe diem’. On what basis would it ever be good advice NOT to make the most of the day?…to not make as many Kairos moments as possible to put it into the vernacular of the original blogger?
I don’t look at my friend who is “only” a SAHM (whatever that is!) and decide her lemons are sweeter than mine because that isn’t the life I happen to be leading. We all have whatever life has handed us and the results of decisions we’ve made to deal with and on just the subject of mothering, we’re all facing the same basic dynamics every day…immature personalities, crankiness, sleep deprivation, dirty diapers, teething, dirty dishes, dirty clothes, etc. However, each one of us makes choices about how we respond to those things. I think the older mothers who have been there and done that are only pointing out that those Kairos moments don’t just ‘happen’, you make them happen…or not. I’m deliberately making the choice to make them happen. Period. I never claimed to succeed every second of every day, but I’m not about to encourage people not to make the most of every day just because I’m human and don’t succeed 100% of the time myself.
Nothing I wrote criticized anyone else’s choices or ways of mothering or minimized their work load, so don’t read into what I wrote what isn’t there.
No, I don’t think anyone who approves of this article is missing the boat. The entire thing is about acknowledging that even when we’re tired and annoyed and frustrated, we still find those peek-a-boo over the poop moments. That all you got out of this was someone complaining is a little perplexing.
I appreciate and love my kidlet. She is fun and funny and surprising every day, and she has been for all of the 8 years we’ve known her. On the other hand, she is able to make me angrier and more frustrated than any other human being on earth ever has been before. The bad and the challenging things are just as much a part of parenting as the joy. Learning to deal with it is something every parent has to do. Women who insist that we must be constantly joyful and never resentful; women who tell us that we’re deficient, unloving, ungrateful, or just plain bad at mothering unless we live in a constant state of bliss are absolutely nuts…and they hurt moms.
Congratulations on your ability to be angelic during every moment of your parenting experience. For the rest of us, I suppose our poor kids will have to just trundle along in life with normal human beings for mothers.
I found this blog post inspirational, beautifully crafted, and an absolutely spot-on description of my own mothering experiences.
Rachel, I completely agree with you. I don’t know why it’s so hard to understand that some of us love parenting! it’s not about being in denial of the difficulties. It’s about what I choose to focus on. Yes I get exasperated, exhausted, etc. But I am overwhelmed with love more than anything. I love spending time with my son, doing things with him. I make an effort to let him know that I love him, that he is not an annoying part of my life that I can’t wait to put to sleep. Many women today chose to not have children because they have the wisdom to know that they just don’t want the bother. In today’s world women have a choice, so if you think having children is a nightmare then do the world a favor and don’t have any.
@ Mrs. Lynch, You must think you are pretty special. You need to get off your high horse. You act like you are a perfect mother that never has a negative thought or ever feels overwhelmed. You must be a super human!!! I fully understand your comments on choosing to find the joy in things and focus on the things that matter, but you are crazy if you say that not one day in your life as a mother have you ever experienced any of the above comments. You must truly live in a 50’s sitcom where you are Donna Reid and have the most wonderful life!!! Come back to reality!!! Being a mother is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I love my children with every fiber of my being(as do all of these other mothers) so for you to say you don’t understand why we don’t love parenting is down right ignorant and obnoxious. Just because some days we cant wait until bed time or when daddy comes home, does in no way mean we do not enjoy motherhood. I wonder what it must be like to live in a world of unicorns and glitter where everything is magical, but I sure as hell wouldn’t want to live there. The days that are trying in motherhood are the ones that make you realize the good times and where we need to do better as mothers and learning that we can overcome these challenges that make being a mother rewarding. Think back when you were pregnant and the journey it takes to get these children here. Morning sickness, body aches, and at times complete misery and then having to be in labor and deliver the baby are things that are very difficult and hard, but that is what makes it so worthwhile. Motherhood is the same way. We have the hard moments to help us realize how blessed we are to be called mother. So RIGHT ON to the woman who wrote this article. She is not putting up this facade that most women do. She is an honest mother who is not afraid to show weakness which makes her an even stronger woman in my eyes. Also the example this woman is setting for her children is some what healthy in the sense that this life is not perfect and you will have disappointments and down right crappy days. You are setting unrealistic examples for you children and I fear for them. If you are going to shelter them and not let them see that life has it ups and downs and pretend that you have never had a negative thought or bad attitude. It will be a cruel world for your little ones. I’m sure your are a great mother and I agree we need to focus on the positives, I just have a real hard time believing you have never felt this way and if you truly never have then you must be TIRED trying to keep up such a high standard as a mother.
Perfect. You said it all so well.
I loved your post. I am a SAHM to four kids, and I feel this way all the time. My pet peeve is hearing “you’ve got your hands full” every time I go to the next aisle in the grocery. I just have to smile and say yeah, I sure do!
Every time somebody tells me I have my hands full, I smile sweetly and say, “No, I have my heart full.”
Love it. I’m totally stealing that line, Nancy.
Too funny. I have 4 kids too, all under age 6 and I hear this ALL the time. I finally got a necklace that has their names on it and says ‘my hands are as full as my heart!”
Brava!
You completely missed the point.
When your kids are grown up & gone and you can’t talk to them every day, you’ll be that old lady. You’ll miss the days when they were young too. The day to day things you’re dealing with now will wash away, and memories of those days are all you’ll have.
And you’ll remember you complained.
REALLY?!? If complaining is what you’ve taken from this post, then YOU have missed the point!
How many children did you stay home and raise?
It’s so unfortunate that all you gleaned from this well written and heartfelt, honest post, is negativity. It’s judegmental comments like this, that make us moms feel like failures for even considering to admit that we struggle, or don’t always enjoy every single minute of parenting young children. I have 3children, whom I love dearly, but I would be a fraud if I said that I feel only bliss, joy, love, and peace…. when I have 4 year old whining for my attention, while clean the poo-explosion in my 6 month old’s diaper, after the meal I made was rejected, and the 3 year old threw his milk on the floor, and the dog chewed my dress shoes that the 4 year old took out of my closet to play with after being asked not to… There are plenty of wonderful times too, I play with my children, snuggle my children, read to them, let them sleep in my bed when they need comfort at night, they make me laugh, cry, sigh, think, challenge me to grow. I need to be allowed to complain a little from time to time, and I still treasure them above any earthly thing.
UGGHHH!!!!!!!!! It is indeed YOU who missed the whole point, and are in fact part of the problem!! Being real and sharing is not merely complaining….. In the context of this blog, it is reaching out to your sisters for support & offering it in return, so that we can ALL revel in the now a bit more. This blog makes me smile & reminds me that I am not alone. Truth be told, I feel stronger and better equipped during the “chronos” time (like when my 11 yr. old is stealing my 3 yr. old’s snacks, and my 8 yr. old is teasing them both, and everybody’s whining, and 3 of our 4 toilets are clogged AGAIN) to keep my cool and even laugh inside wondering how Glennon would describe THIS freakshow! It is so gratifying to infuse a bit of humor into “those” times and KNOW that your sisters are there “with” you.
Thank you! I did click over from a friends’ blog and your post(s) was exactly what a mother of 3 with a husband in medical residency needed to hear! We moved 13 hours away (for residency) 9 days after our youngest was born and my husband started residency 12 hours later. Those first few months here were rough (to say the least). I would be in the grocery store wishing I could be at home (where any mother who just had a baby should be) and the same things would happen – stranger would tell me how adorable my kids were, that I’m running out of hands, that I need to make the most of every second, etc. Though I was very friendly and would smile and agree, I was in complete survival mode and absolutely felt guilty that I was NOT making the most of every moment like I wished I could… I was trying to move into a new house in a town where I knew nobody and an unfortunate event forced my parents to leave as soon as we got into town – meaning I had very little help from them or my husband… I’m not saying this to complain. I made it and I’m am a much stronger person. My family has been very blessed through it all. I guess I’m just trying to say (in a very long way) that I can completely relate and LOVED reading your posts. You have a brilliant way of seeing the world and your delivery is amazing! Thank you!
Raising my daughter was the hardest thing I’ve ever done – she is (next to me) the most strong willed person I’ve ever known. I spent most of her life fighting with her. During those fights, she would tell me that I didn’t care about her – to which I replied: if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be fighting with you.
Was it fun? No. Was I enjoying every moment? Don’t be silly. But, when she hit 20 years old, I realized that every single fight was worth every single moment. She is now 22 and has become a stunningly beautiful, responsible, hardworking young woman.
I can only believe that, if, as a parent, you are having fun all of the time, you are probably doing something seriously wrong.
I think the author is exactly correct in finding the little moments throughout the day to feel grateful for the good parts of being a parent.
And then spend the rest of your time telling yourself that one day – 10 years from now – it’ll all be worth it.
I love the encouragements I’ve been reading thus far ladies. For those who post negative comments, keep them to yourselves…
Thank you for this! I especially loved the comment about how women will ask or doubt your desire for another the moment you admit or state its hard. I have three beautiful girls. One of them is two and a half and the other two are identical twins who live in heaven. I lost them six months ago. Life in general has been painfully and terribly hard. I have fretted over not seizing every moment I have with my living daughter. After all, wouldn’t you appreciate every moment with her after just losing two children? I have struggled. You think I would but grief is such a unique, terrible thing you can’t predict. It has sucked a lot of energy and desire out of me. Anyway, thank you for this, I needed to read this. Because it is hard, even in the face of loss when you know just what you stand to lose, it is still hard. Someone, just the other day, asked me, if I was sure I wanted more. Really? My nerves are rattled. I hurt. I grieve. But yes, I hope to be blessed with more.
Oh Stephanie, words just cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. Though I do not know your circumstances, I suffered a miscarriage (just a few months along, but still…. shattering for me) which may not compare in the least to what you are enduring, and it sent me reeling for quite some time. There is nothing worse than what you are going through, and I wish you healing and blessings. Sending light & <3 your way….
Oh Stephanie, what can I or anyone else say, nothing to ease the pain or take the grief and hurt away! I’m so sorry, I don’t know the circumstances but I have had an ectopic pregnancy and 2 miscarriages early on before my boys and each time it was devastating. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you for being real. I got so frustrated when my daughter was a newborn and people asked, “Isn’t motherhood the best? Don’t you just love being a Mom?” When you are in the throes of the newborn stage, getting very, very little sleep and no time to yourself, what these insane people were describing was very, very far from what I was feeling. Now that my daughter is a bit older (and sleeping through the night), things are definitely a ton better, but there are still times (often multiple times a day) that I get super frustrated. Motherhood, just like everything else, has it’s ups and downs.
As far as people saying you aren’t doing it right if you aren’t enjoying every moment? Oh, please! If there was a magic formula to raising kids, everyone would have bought it already. My guess is that the people that say to cherish every moment (which drives me crazy) haven’t had a child in their house for years and have forgotten all the tough times. Just like women somehow get past their labor experience and are able to do it again.
I FEEL REALLY BLESSED TO HAVE HAD MY COUSIN SHARE THIS LINK WITH ME AND TO HAVE HAD THE CHANCE TO READ THIS
GOD BLESS YOU ALL
[…] read an article yesterday, in which the author related how the concept of carpe diem intimidated her. She felt […]
Laughed, cried……perfect! After 10 years of employment and college degrees, I have been home for nearly all of my eldest’s almost 6 years and have been home full time with my three and half year old triplets. There is only the passage of time!
I feel ya sister! And anyone who disagrees with you is lying or on a lot of Xanax (which is understandable). I am the mother of three girls and a boy, ages 14, 13, 9, and 3, and my husband is a disabled vet who rarely leaves the house. My days starts at 5:30 (unless Little Man gets up early with 15 ideas about how to break something) and doesn’t end until 10 when the last one goes to bed. Then I get “me time”, which usually consists of laundry, a cup of tea, 10 minutes on Facebook. OK, who am I kidding – 1 – 2 hours on FB. There’s something about that magical time when everyone is asleep – my absolute favorite time of day. I must admit I catch myself pining for that little apartment I had all to myself right after college…seems like another life…when it was all about me, myself, and I. But truth be told, I would never ever in a million years trade my parenting experience for anything. During those couple of quiet hours, when I should be sleeping, or at least reading Chaucer and not watching DVRd episodes of America’s Next Top Model, I often sneak in to my children’s rooms to watch them sleep. And I daily try to play back for myself one of those fleeting Carpe Kairos moments…I even occasionally get it together enough to journal them. And I got ok with that a long time ago (about 13 years, in fact – yea, right about the time baby #2 arrived with colic and reflux). When you think about it, enough Kairos moments will equal one Diem…eventually.
I cherish Cairos also, sometimes those are just in dreams tho, even when I’m awake, I seem to only remember them from the past not so much in the present..
[…] This post at Momastery made me feel that way. And when I read about the blogger, I found we have more in common than I would care to admit. Often the biographical sketch behind the photo of a writer comes as a surprise to me. How can someone so funny and charming and intelligent and beautiful on the screen come from such a dark place? […]
THANK YOU! Every person who interacts with mothers should read this. Those who live in the surreal cloud of inexperience or poor-memory of how excruciating parenting can be need to view things from the other side. People so seldom think of what their comments really say. I always want to say “I can’t wait for them to grow up” when people break out the “so fast” saying. Instead I use a different quote “The years fly by quickly, but there are minutes that last for hours” and most of the times I see the flash of understanding and remembering in the “little old ladies” life. I pray that I too will remember to support all the young mothers that I come across. I want them to know that it’s ok to not love being a mother all the time and still love their children. Giving them this article would be a great start in that support.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I alternated between laughing and crying when I read this. You are a gifted writer (which I am sure you must know) and I so appreciate your putting this into words. I am going to share with all the parents I know! It is golden!
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I was actually bothered by this post. I doubt you will see this post G under the masses of other comments but I wrote why I feel it is better to ‘Carpe Diem’ http://lukasandjessica.blogspot.com/2012/01/carpe-diem.html
Wow. And here I thought I was the only mom that felt like this. Even my husband thinks I need to be happy with every moment with our son and I tend to look at him and ask if he’s happy while Aedan’s screaming and crying to climb on daddy and pound on his keyboard after a long day of work. The guilty look says it all. But there are times in the day when Aedan’s not throwing his toys, chasing the cats, getting into the trash or dragging shoes all over that I look at him and smile because he’s my precious little boy. I cherish him, just not all the time. He knows I love him and that’s what counts. I will feel my accomplishment when I know I helped him become a wonderful, intelligent and polite man.
Thank you. Thank you.
[…] This post at Momastery made me feel that way. And when I read about the blogger, I found we have more in common than I would care to admit. Often the biographical sketch behind the photo of a writer comes as a surprise to me. How can someone so funny and charming and intelligent and beautiful on the screen come from such a dark place? […]
I am surprised to read that parents feel having children is an ‘accomplishment’ and work of a ‘warrior.’ Being a mother to me is a lifetime experience, ever-changing, growing and a wonderful opportunity and not something to be ‘conquered.’ The moments we share with our kids are literally ‘once in a lifetime’ moments. They will only learn to walk once, only be 3 once, only learn how to ride a a bike once – all of their moments will be unique experiences. If one is continuously preoccupied with congratulating yourself on how well you have taken on this arduous challenge of parenting…one might miss the true rewards of parenting.
I think one’s experience as a mother is as individual as that mother AND the children she has been blessed with. Some mothers do find comfort in viewing themselves as “warriors”, some even HAVE to be…. be glad if you do not. I am surprised by anyone having the opinion that being a good parent is NOT an accomplishment. To me, it is one of the greatest and most worth celebrating, and believing this to my very core, actually increases my resolve to do the best I can for my babes AND encourages me to celebrate the experience, as arduous as it can be, for me.
I completely agree that all parental experiences are unique unto themselves. In reference to parenting being an ‘accomplishment’ I see the role of a mother (for me) as never-ending and as such, difficult to define what makes a good paremt. For me, the best reward is in my daughter being happy because she says so…not only in me thinking I am a good parent simply because I have ‘climbed the mountain’ known as parenting. I know people who have had kids as they felt it was next on their list of things to do, to accomplish – I don’t see it that way. Certainly everyone has their own experiences and likewise people have their own definitions of accomplishment and good parenting.
Glennon, I can TOTALLY relate!!!! I used to be one of those who was striving toward “Carpe Diem”, but “Carpe Kairos” makes so much more sense to me now! Even though a favorite quote from the Cabbage Moth & the Shamrock (a children’s book, of course, LOL), “Rejoice in the miracle of now!” has always been my personal motto, I will now enhance that perspective by forgiving myself for being honest & human and treasuring the moments that are “seizable”…. and learning from or letting go of those that are not. This post helps ease my guilt for not ALWAYS being in a state of bliss, it also helps me feel less alone. It amazes me how passionately divided we as mothers can be when I read some of the other replies to your blog. Yes, we are all individuals in the midst of navigating our own spiritual paths, but I strongly believe that we can fluorish immeasurably more as sisters. This doesn’t mean that we’ll ever share every thought or belief. How can we with such diverse backgrounds & experiences, and children who encompass such a vastly wide range?? Yet we can smile and hug each other, and share our goldfish crackers in line at Target. For me personally, your openness and introspection about your path as a Mama is sooooooooo REFRESHING. It actually may help me harvest more of those Kairos moments. I happen to be a 42 yr. old Mama to twelve children (ages 3, 8, & 11). Doesn’t quite add up, does it? The reason I say that I am the Mother of 12, is that my son (the 11 year old with ADHD) is worth at least 10 children. He, like my girls, has most assuredly taught me infinitely more than I could ever hope to teach him, and blessed me with more magic/Kairos than I could ever have comprehended before he turned my life upside down. Does that mean that I was overjoyed when he was 3 and threatened suicide, or 7 and punched me in the stomach, or now a pre-teen (Lordie Me) and calls me horrible expletives and pulls out all of his eyelashes? Certainly not. I have tried & will never stop trying to get him any & all of the help he needs. That’s what we as Mothers do. AND NOW, instead of sobbing & rocking myself to sleep on the really bad nights, I can come read your blog and learn more amazing ways to process and view the mothering experience~ myriad and different for us all, but an experience we can share down to our very souls, nonetheless. 🙂
You are a GREAT mother and a warrior! Not for your difficulties but for your optimistic attitude, grit and keep-going-ness.
Your children are blessed to have such a mother as you.
YOU, my sister, give me hope for my one child that I struggle with.
Thank you!
Thanks SO MUCH, Jessica (your halo is showing)…. you made my day! 🙂
Beautiful. You captured it so well. I laughed, a couple times came close to laughing so hard I peed (sorry, but I’m trying to potty train my 2.5 year old, and those words are just in the forefront of my mind), and I came close to crying. Well written. Thanks for putting it out there for the rest of us.
LOVE IT! Totally true! I love your response to the well-meaning lady at the store. Yep, loving it all… Glad I’m not the only one!
I have read about 5 of your posts and the Meet Glennon and G’s Family….and more AND I know I am the 1364th person to comment, so I KNOW there is no way you’ll be able to read this, I still have to say that I’ve cried and laughed at EVERYTHING I’ve read. . . and that is a first. There was one paragraph in this post where you reminded me of a time when I came out of the public library to find my 3-year-old son peeing off the front steps into the bushes, and I was able to laugh at that moment again and remember how hard motherhood in the trenches is. Thank you for your honesty and wit and for sharing the real moments. All 5 of mine are grown now, so I can be that woman who says “Carry on, warrior”. Thanks for inspiring me. Hugs….
Oh I am not alone! Thank goodness.
Thank you and what a beautiful family you have.
Lisa xxx
Amazing! I, like others, was laughing and crying! You took the words right out of my mouth! I have 3 boys- a 4 year old and 2 1/2 year old twins! Thank you for giving a voice to the thoughts in my head! Printing this out to read daily!
Hello! a friend led me to this post and I just had to add to your mass of comments.
My twin boys turn 1 next week and we are expecting #3 in May, so like so many other moms out there I find it easy to to get wrapped up in the to-do’s of each day and often find myself watching the clock for bedtime. Your post hit home and this comment made me smile because of the often unspoken truth, “My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done.” No shame in making some time to put your feet up and just relax!
Thanks for your candid post, made me smile & tear up a bit too!
[…] Hence my attempt at doing some thanksgiving regularly. Welcome to the inaugural Thursday’s Three Thank-yous – or 365-lite, if you will. I know I have enough trouble trying to blog more than twice weekly as it is, so blogging a thanksgiving daily is out of the question. But weekly accumulated thank-yous are okay. Weekly accumulated thank-yous are manageable. And they force me to distill the essence of the week and recognise my kairos. […]
Well done! Perfectly stated. I totally, totally get what you are saying. I feel the same way when approached by those sweet old ladies. I generally walk away feeling defeated and loser-ish because the moment she just witnessed wasn’t a great one. The one where my son is grabbing himself screaming and my daughter is leaning over the cart trying to get into the cash register. But then they fall asleep in their car seats on the way home and now I will have something to help me remember and cherish that moment- Kairos. Thank you for writing this!
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You’ve received SO many comments on this post already, but I had to chime in. I’m laughing and crying reading this post, it’s so full of brutiful truths. My daughter is 3 1/2 now but I remember when she was about 8 weeks and a friend asked, “aren’t you just so in looooove?” and I thought, “well, she sure cries a lot . . . ”
You might enjoy my blogpost on why I don’t do yoga with my daughter:
http://www.inspireyoga.com/2011/11/21/no-kids-allowed/
thanks for sharing! You rock.
AMEN!!! You are on track. Keep up the good work
Wow! Just from how many comments that were posted you can tell how this entry touched so many of us! I to get SO panicky that I’m “missing it” and I try and compensate by taking a million pictures of everything and end up annoying everyone! Our closest relatives are about a 10 hour car drive away and one set of grandparents are in Brasil so I have extra guilt piled on if I “miss” a moment by not capturing it on film! Children are a blessing from God but that doesn’t mean they are always pleasant! I do try and find the bright side, when my kiddo makes a mess I try and say sincerely “thank you God that I have a child to make a mess!”. One day when a gal told us to “treasure the moment” I actually responded “Would you like them for a day so you can and I can take a nap?”. Fortunately the lady thought this was very funny and we had a good laugh. I have three kids 7,5,&2 and somedays it gets pretty hairy! Every mom gets frustrated, even the moms with only 1 kid, but it doesn’t mean we don’t love them and love that we have them! Thank you SO much for putting into words what we all feel from time to time!!!
Awesome!
The woman who said she enjoyed every moment was either lying, had a nanny, or lived on a cloud. Parenting is very hard work & sometimes in the end, you don’t see the worth of it. Just don’t give up because some day you just might be able to say – “I loved it all. I’m glad they made it. I sure do miss them sometimes, but I would never want to do it again.” Mostly, you don’t want to live with regrets. Do the best you can every single day & thank God at night that the day is over!
You express these difficult emotions and ideas so well. Touche´!
My guess is that the older woman is merely finding a voice for her own regrets. Prior generations have been notoriously unfocused on enjoyment or even awareness of the moment. This mother was probably trying to tell you that she hopes your parenting doesn’t go by without finding those kairos times, which she may have missed out on entirely.
Brilliantly put, Margaret, and exactly the response I wanted to put down. Love this article! Glennon, you rock. Carpe those Kairoses, baby.
Thanks for giving me permission to remember that it’s hard. The only reason I’m reading this right now is because Sesame Street is on. (I once told my husband that the clean sheets he was enjoying were brought to him by the letter B and the number 12.) Kairos is wonderful and cherished, but Chronos is inevitable!
Thank you. As a geographically-single mother of a toddler and an infant during my husband’s 12-month deployment to Afghanistan (we’re ALMOST done), your words touched my soul. Thanks for speaking the truth. And today of all days, I needed it. God bless.
So well said. I absolutely agree and feel the same.
Thanks for making me cry… With love from Russia
Thank you! I needed to read this today, this morning before the day starts. I hope you take encouragement from all the Thank yous! and Amens! that are written as posts. Know that you are touching many people through this blog, even people you have never met. God bless.
Well done, Mama! Thank you for your honesty it is much appreciated, beautiful and sacred to the bone.
[…] It’s a desert of people sitting on their hands right now isn’t it? I came across an excellent article today and just had to share it. The mom in this article provides an excellent perspective to the whole […]
Oh My Gosh! This is the best article I have ever read on mothering. I can not tell you how my blood boils when well meaning people try to cheer me up by telling me to enjoy every minute. I don’t see my role as a mother as having kids to fulfill me personally. It is to raise good kids that will be great adults for the good of society. So I don’t feel bad that I don’t enjoy my job as a mother all the time. It is the hardest job in the world. But I know I do it well.
[…] read this wonderful post I wish I’d written myself. Anyone who thinks you’re being negative when you say […]
Thank you. I needed that!
This was a great read for me. Oh, I don’t have small children. In fact, I’m grandmother to a spunky 4 year old. I raised 3 stepsons. Carpe diem to me would’ve meant to run away. Far, far, away and tell all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents – and let’s not forget their bio mother – tell them all You Come Do It if you have such great advice!
Stepparenting is a whole lot different in many ways than bio parenting. But not so different in the day to day stuff. My point is this – you are seizing the day. Every morning you get up when you don’t want to, fix dinner when you’re sick, make sure homework is done when your favorite show is on. And when they’re grown and have little ones of their own, you’ll smile, and your heart will smile, because for all of those years, Yes, you seized the day.
Great post and lovely writing. I do disagree in that I do think every mother should TRY to “carpe diem” and enjoy every day as much as possible. I am a mother of four and I know it is hard to enjoy days sometimes because it is such a blur but I never wish a moment would pass or think it is too hard and long for the future. I am that Mom that longs for every single moment to slow down and last as long as possible. I don’t think that makes me a better mother than anyone else however but I do feel bewildered at times when friends talk about how hard it is but then want another child. I guess I respect that those of you who view motherhood this way still keep having them, ha ha, I think if it wore on me that much I would have stopped a while ago. My oldest is only 11 and my youngest two and I already am that annoying lady telling other Moms to enjoy their kids being little.
Alaina, you just summed up what I wanted to say exactly. I think the nice ladies in the stores are just life’s little reminders that it is never as bad as it seems. My best part of the day is not when my little one is in bed and I can say I “have parented” but when we are together, doing something simple, and I step back a bit mentally and realize how blessed I am to be able to do fingerpaintings with my child at that moment. It is important to try to carpe the diem, but also to forgive ourselves and each other when we forget to, or become overwhelmed.
The best thing about being one of those old nostalgic women is getting another chance to enjoy every moment with our grandkids. Hang in there moms!
[…] understand the reference? Read this. Best treatise on the concept of enjoying every moment I’ve read. At least skim to the […]
Thank you so much for validating how I feel almost every day. I’ve gotten so down on myself for not being a “good” mom that it’s made things worse. I read to my kids, but not every night. I say no just as much as I say yes, sometime just because I don’t feel like playing Barbie or Legos or I’m tied up with work. Enough’s enough. Time to get back on track. I know I seize those Kairos moments – I love them. But often enough Chronos is painfully difficult, which makes the Kairos moments that much sweeter.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your wonderful post! I am raising two crazy boys that keep me hopping and this really describes how I feel about parenting. I am not a perfect parent, but I sure do try! I love the post bedtime quiet time with my husband while we reflect on the day. I am just happy to know someone else feels the same way I do! Thank you!
Thanks for posting this today! I have several friends who are new moms and your site helps me be a better friend to them. I think youe site helps me understand their perspective.
Thank you! this was so great to read. I get so frustrated sometimes with life and feeling like a failure sometimes. Not that I love that other people struggle with their kids, it’s just nice to know I’m not alone in how I think and feel.
Oh dear… I am NOT alone YAY!!!
You made mention that parenting RIGHT is hard work – being a parent is EASY… Parenting is HARD!
[…] read a blog post this week called don’t carpe diem that really struck a cord with me. the author speaks about the women with grown children who come up […]
Beautiful, beautiful! This made me cry. Thank you!
Amazing! I am laughing! I am kinda cryin’! Girl you nailed it! Thank you for sharing this! It was perfection! I think I am gonna print it out & carry it around with me!
[…] you’ve already seen this. It has been floating around my little corner of the interwebs lately. I found it helpful, and […]
So funny…when I see a mom with littles and we are talking…I aways say “You are in the thick of it right now, but it does get easier”…and it does! Now that my babies are 10 and 15 yrs I totally get what those ladies are saying. They know it is hard…but I bet in a heartbeat they would give anything to have someone needing them so desperately now. Loved the post:)
New reader here! Loved this post! I laughed, I cried, I saw myself in where you are. Thank you for sharing and inspiring!!!
[…] hitting the high notes of the web this week, how about this post on Momastery entitled, “Don’t Carpe Diem“? Totally adding that girl to my […]
Wow..thanks for this post! Im so blown away that there are actually other mothers out there who feel the same way that I have no words!
While I am never one to say that just cuz one says parenting is hard that you can’t handle it or shouldn’t want more and I think what you wrote was great. I think you just don’t give those well intentioned ppl enough credit. I mean I think we all know they are meaning to cherish every moment…not enjoy every moment. You are right, it’s a cherishing mentality, it’s when u can look at another woman who is having a rough time in the grocery store and laugh and thank the Lord it’s not your kids. It’s laughing because you know the most wonderful job in the world is being a mom..even though it’s hard! We don’t have to have it all together or be happy when we’ve lost our temper for the 50th time that day to cherish every moment. Those ppl that say to hang on to those moments, are the ones that miss ‘having parenting,’ even the hard times (sometimes!) Others are the ones that got their time cut short or have had children that they can no longer hear their child’s voice due to medical reasons. Reminding us to cherish the moments isn’t a ‘your a bad parent if you don’t’. It’s remembering that while you are climbing Mt. Everest, remember the tough times and thank the Lord you called out to Him and He was near. While yes, being at the top of the mountain is a wonderful experience, it’s the tough moments we draw close to the Lord and know He is near and real in our lives. That He gave us His children to raise and to cherish, even though it’s the toughest job on the planet (even more so than climbing Mt Everest!) Are we really willing to pray the prayer to our Lord to do whatever it takes to draw us closer to Him?! If you’re a mom you’ve already prayed that prayer!! =) Great post.
Bless you! I know I will be a fan for as long as you continue writing. Loved Loved Loved this…I can SO relate and I only have 1 toddler! So glad I found your blog!
I could never thank you enough for this post. I had a crummy day with my son and he was in preschool most of it. Sometimes I wonder if he’d be better off at preschool every day, but even at my worst it’s hard to believe that would be better.
(I hear him in his crib talking to himself. I remember praying with him tonight and he said “God is great. Amen.”)
I remember the things I did wrong today and hope for a better tomorrow. I’m still a mother-in-progress and probably will be for the rest of my life.
I hold my son’s sippy cup up to you and wish you many Kairos moments every day.
Mental Note: Just read the article and not the comments… (you would have thought I’d have learned this by now on Yahoo!)
I was going to say I really enjoyed this article, but instead I will make another Mental Note: never blog about parenting because there are so many mothers out there that *know* THEY are right! about! everything!
I really appreciate your perspective! I so often find myself frustrated that I am not living up to my (completely unrealistic) ideals as a mother… perfectly behaved children, amazingly clean and organized home, magic memories in every moment. Your post helped me realize that I am truly blessed to have Kairos moments each day… no matter how fleeting. Rather than wish I had ALL happy moments, I will appreciate those that cause me to slow down and appreciate what I do have!
I confess I stopped reading about half way down, but as a person who waited 9 years to have my daughter, I can truly say that I am enjoying every minute of the 2 years she has graced my life. Who says you can’t enjoy the tough, tiring times? Ask a marathon runner who will say they ran through pain etc but still enjoyed the race. There have been times where my DD has been sick, and while I don’t enjoy seeing her ill, I thoroughly enjoy being the person to take care of her.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with your perspective–that you don’t enjoy every moment. But I do think you can’t speak for everyone. There are people who truly do enjoy the good, the hard, the delicious moments and the less-than ones.
Fair. If I’d only had my daughter I’d probably say something similar, especially at the 2 year mark. I think it takes more years and more kids to fully understand what this woman is saying. It’s the most beautifully put piece I’ve ever seen. She is exactly right. I have two kids and one is super easy and the other is super hard. Found out this year he’s gifted AND high-functioning autistic. Everyone said all these years (he’s 8) that he’d grow out of everything. He’s not and it’s hard, yet he’s the most beautiful boy and I love him to pieces. Everyone has different kids, different personalities, different everything and some have more than one kid. Please reconsider your position. This blog post and the poster are BRILLIANT!
Feel free to start your own blog. No one can speak for everyone, and this blogger never suggested that she was doing that. And if you’re going to comment on someone’s post, read the whole thing for crying out loud.
[…] the other night I came across a blog that encouraged me more than just about anything I’ve read lately, and I wanted to share it with […]
Thank you for your perspective. It is hard to feel like a success when the role of being a mother is so looked down upon. I loved what you said about complaining when it’s hard only proves that we are being a good mother. And trying out best to do it the way we see right. I admire your honesty and the fact that you have put it into real life perspective.
Quality post. Very well said. Kairos.
thank you. not just for this:”My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.”
but for all of it. for feeling it and having the courage to say it.
i thank you.
i am not alone.
Well, I am an old mom. I have three kids: ages 17, 18, and 21. I love your perspective. I remember the long march through days and days of parenting young children. I now teach children ages 3-6 at a Montessori school… and I see their parents everyday, with strollers and babies in car seats, trying to gracefully lead their preschoolers into my classroom. Sometimes it makes me laugh, sometimes cry. But I try very hard not to say charming things about how great it is to be a mom of young children. Because it is really hard, hard work. I have a niece and nephew, ages 5 and 7 now, who I have cared for since they were 1 month and 2 years old, at times for weekend after weekend. And I was reminded, deeply, during those years of caring for them, that it is just so much hard, hard work. Your writing is wonderful. You should be submitting your essays to magazines and to radio stations. Thanks for a great read. Thank you so much.
As a new momma just experiencing this “enjoy every moment” stuff for the first time, you have taken all of the jumbled thoughts and feelings in my head and put them in to words. Thank you. I am a huge fan of your blog and will be reading often! 🙂
Bravo!! I admire your courage to speak the truth! There is so much constriction and taboo about mom’s attitudes and what they SHOULD be! And such a convenient amnesia from those who have gone before. I find it so refreshing when I can talk with other moms about how difficult it is. My son summed it up (He’s 13 now) when we were talking about some friends of ours who don’t have kids. “I can see why, I mean, they pretty much ruin your life!” THAT was Kairos! (or whatever you call it…) Blessings to you!
I’m only 45. I was diagnosed from birth with a debilitating disease. I raised my children without a spouse. I worked 30hrs a week. I had very clear expectations. Sometimes I sounded more like a drill sergeant than a mummy but I did whatever it took to get us as a unit over the line. Parenting isn’t hard, it’s just life. But it is so different now, I read lots of diatribes about being a mummy and to be honest the teenage years are really much harder. If you think the comments are vicious just wait till your angel and fruit of your loins turns 15 and tells you where to go. Thankfully at 20 when they have started living life the real way and paying a few bills they turn around and say sorry mum, I don’t know what I was thinking! The real pay off is when they recount memories to their friends of; when mum took us kite flying (on the bus because we were too poor to own a car) and coming home to high teas as special treats on rainy days after school. The life and the way you live it now is not just this moment for every step you take and every little thing you do builds the memories of a lifetime. Even now I recant to my children stories of my grandmothers from when my parents were little, stories of other childhoods. Parenting is not hard, it’s just life. It’s difficult to talk about parenting without judgement but that’s life too. If your kids are out of control then you are not doing it right, stop whining about it and fix it. Don’t underestimate regular meals of food prepared only by you and not out of wrappers and rest. Lots of home time and rest time. They are growing. The least favourite thing for them to do is go to shops. Boredom also will not kill children contrary to popular belief. So you simplify the whole thing, set the expectations, put in some hard work on the points you are not willing to compromise on because you are the parent and you will relish every day, every moment. You will accept the good and the bad in the day, not with judgement and not with guilt but with love and forbearance. I can remember often stopping to savour a moment and trying to commit it to memory in every perfect detail but even now I find it hard to recall clearly the way my baby girl smelled and how she laughed before she had teeth. This is what we older people are trying to tell you, not to make you guilty, but to acknowledge that we find it hard to remember and that you can never go back. But this too will become clear in time Grasshopper when you join us in the hallowed halls of parents with grown children. In the meantime go and be and channel the energies of the diatribe elsewhere because (judgement alert) I do think it is negative and only encourages others to feel negative. Imagine if you were inspiring in the opposite way instead of whipping all these frazzled mummies into a self flagellating frenzy of the poor-me-doms.
@Tanya…Amen Sister.
I disagree hon. Just because you make a long winded remark doesn’t make you “right”. The blogger is entitled to her opinion and her feelings. it was not negative but rather an HONEST perspective on what being a mom feels like to most of us whether you’d like to admit it or not. If anything YOUR comment was the most negative thing contained on this page. You should really consider reigning in the self-righteousness a bit. It was a little over-powering. You just jumped on the bash someone for admitting they aren’t perfect bandwagon, kudos. Sadly this is why I don’t write a blog of my own it just feeds the “trolls” (you know, the people scanning articles on the web just to stir up an argument in order to feed their sanctimonious attitudes). Next time I am going to skip the comments on this blog as I do NOT need anymore of your so called pearls of wisdom.
I appreciate so much of what you just said and hearing what the women mean who say to enjoy these moments. But I don’t agree with your ending. I believe the blogger is just saying its hard to feel like every single moment is a joy and a bliss filled delight. Its a full time career and you don’t keep having kids unless you enjoy the payoffs of the blessed moments, but its a lie to say its all roses and sunshine. The hard moments make you truly love the smell of your baby and holding him as he falls asleep and snuggling him an extra 20 minutes after he fell asleep even though you could have laid him in bed, just because you know this moment won’t last forever. I appreciate my son so much more now, because he is my second, my last and I have a disease the I shouldn’t push my luck. Plus his older sister hit 2 months before 3 and decided ‘no’ would be her favorite phrase and she only hears you when you yell at her and it makes you feel like a horrible person yelling at her, but you need her to go potty before you go run errands and you know you won’t have the energy or the baby won’t stay calm to change her in a store and clean up a puddle in her carseat. But when she comes up to me and hugs my leg and tells me she loves me, it melts my heart and I remember why I go through this and chose to have a second child. That love is worth a million dollars and then some. I do appreciate the moments, but I also get frustrate and lose sight of the little things when you feel like you are in the middle of a marathon with 2 screaming kids pawing at you and you need to feed, bathe, clothe them and keep yourself afloat as well. I love my babies, but it is work and I think that is what makes me appreciate them more. If it was all coming up roses you wouldn’t be able to see the sweet moments as clearly.
THANK YOU!!! I think you’re in my head! Why is it so taboo to be honest about how difficult this job is? Beautifully written, it moved me to tears…i have had a VERY trying year and it’s so refreshing to hear someone else admit to the feelings i’ve often had!
You’re doing a great job! Keep it up!
From one writer Mom to another, this was amazing. Well said, well said.
Brilliant… Thank you
Thanks! Your post got me through a tough day, and I will be looking for those Kairos moments.
“Some days are long, but the years are short.”, no clue who said it but it sticks in my mind.
I. Love. This.
I just had the same experience in the grocery store when I told my 2 yr old son that he was driving me crazy while crushing the bread and throwing carrots..and older gentleman said “no he’s not mom, no he’s not.” I was thinking ‘what the heck does he know?!” Love this post and thanks for sharing your heart!
Thank you! It does all moms out there some good to be able to be honest about our experiences without being shamed.
[…] 2011 Lesson #2 – Don’t Carpe Diem by Glennon Melton, Momastery Even though I have been known to encourage others (and myself) to seize the day, I understand and appreciate Glennon’s plea that we don’t carpe diem after all. She says, “This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.” […]
You will never know how much I needed to read – and feel- this today. Thank you for putting such complex emotions into words. As a fellow writer and mother, it all rings true!
Wow. I LOVE this post. So true & so well written. Thanks for sharing & being real with the “share”. I’m gonna carpe a couple “kairoses” today…thanks. 🙂