Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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2,618 Comments
Your post and the comments have gotten me thinking. Seize the Day! That is open for interpretation. The Buddhists would think it meant sitting in meditation or play with your children or love yourself compassiontely for whatever you feel and observe your feelings dispassionately.
I noticed a young father playing with his 14 month old toddler. He is broken hearted because his wife left him for another man. So he struggles to be present with his child and the times together are precious. He was blowing bubbles with her and she was laughing her head off. She was delighted with this and so was he. He was awake all night and had to go to work the next day. For the Coast Guard. So he couldn’t be tired on the job. He knocked on the door and apologized for the crying during the night. I was the lucky one who got to put in ear plugs and put the covers over my head. My heart just overflowed with tenderness for him.
Thank you for this. Really. I will keep this forever.
Thanks for the heartfelt and beautiful post. I am one of those old ladies who say “time goes by quickly so enjoy your baby” little realizing that the women who looks so loving and harried with her berzerk child thinks that I am criticizing her.
What I mean to say is that I know how hard it is and I know you are giving everything you’ve got to be a good and loving mom. The first few years are so demanding and nothing prepares you for how much a child needs.
You sound like such a great mom. You sound like such a normally overworked, tired, maniacally multitasking mom. This is the way of it.
Young moms look like Madonnas to me now. So young and noble and tired.
In the olden days moms had fourteen people who could help out. Aunties, neighbours coming by for visits, grandmas. Everyone lived close by. Now mom has to do most of it all the time and WORK! Sociologically it just does not make sense.
You write with such gusto and passion. Kronos and Kairos. Thanks for that. God is watching compassionately all the time. So are people who know how you feel and love you for hanging in there by your fingernails. It is not a picnic to have little ones. Of course it has moments of transcendent beauty but boy it takes a lot of energy and courage.
Bev
sing it sister! honestly well said….I do think those women should be thrown from the mountain:)
Just found this post this morning after a friend shared another (great) one of your posts. This, though…this one is amazing. One of the absolute best mom blog posts I have ever read! Thank you.
[…] 2011 lesson #2: Don’t Carpe Diem: Loved this post over on Momastery so much I immediately subscribed to her blog: “Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen: An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh- Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”… But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me…” […]
Thank you.
I must be the oddest mother on earth after reading this and seeing how many women out there agree.
I say I must be the oddest mother because I actually appreciate all the difficult and tiring times as much as the fun and exciting times. I actually see all these moments you speak of as the pleasure of being a mother. Life is what it is. Just go with it and appreciate it. I would have looked at that 10 min in the Target line as a funny moment to tell the kids about when they’re older. The difference between the time flying by and dragging on is my perception of the moment. If I perceive it as hell it will drag on. If I perceive it as an adventure I’m part of, it will fly by because I love every moment. My view is…if these children were gone from my life right now, how I would long for the green feathers, bra, and recycled lollipop experience. Which is exactly what those old cheerleaders are telling us. Now that they no longer have those experiences…only the memories…they look back at the good, bad, and ugly and can honestly say: I enjoyed every moment. Cherish them while you have them.
I choose to cherish them.
I have to say, “Just_a_mom”, that your comment is truly perfect. I feel the exact same way, and you have given new mother’s an alternate way to view things. I can’t imagine anyone would feel threatened by your comment or that you have made anyone feel guilty or like a failure if they do not “enjoy every moment”. I am guilty of telling people to cherish every moment. When I offer this advise, I am not suggesting that parenting won’t be hard, or that every moment will be blissful… I am just kindly saying how sad I am at how fast my children have already grown – simple as that. Because when the baby/toddler moments are gone, they are gone. We are not delusional or in denial, we just appreciate what we had/have, even when things aren’t running smoothly (there are hard times, no matter how many kids you have – you are still a mother). Someday, my kids will be grown with their own kids and yes, I will wish for those days back. Yes, I am going to enjoy every moment – good and bad. Every minute my kids are at school, I miss them. Every time they go to sleep, I am not thankful for the day to be over and that I have a minute to myself, I am wishing the day had not gone so quickly and I could have spent more time with them. The only thing I am happy about when they fall asleep, is that they are getting their much needed rest. It is nice for me and my husband to get some quality time together, but there is never a time where we are not missing the kids. The best time of our day, is when they wake up ready to face another day with me, challenges and all. When they go to sleep at night, I am confident, that at that moment, they are thankful for every moment they had with me, and aren’t thinking how grateful they are to get a break from, the bossy mom who says “no” to every fun and destructive game that I came up with, and every sugar coated candy I desire. Believe it or not, even if we had times during the day where they weren’t happy with me, every night they end the day saying they love me and they are excited about the next day (I always feel the same) – pretty sure that includes my nagging and all. I am not saying every moment has been blissful. I have had my many hard days. My oldest child has spent the last two years, struggling with poor school behavior and some major emotional problems. This is nothing that my son has asked for, just something he was born with and is struggling to control. I know how hard parenting can be, he is only 6, and has tried to hurt me in every way he knows how at his young age. When he calms down and realizes what has happened, he cries and tells me how sorry he is and how much he loves me. I easily say, that I want those days to pass, but I don’t say it for myself. HE is the one who has the hard days. Yes, it is hard on my husband and myself, but I am always aware of the most important fact, and that is, all of his outburst and “crying episodes” are so much harder on my son then either one of us. I feel that way about all parenting situations. No matter how petty the issue may be, for your child, it is always a harder situation for them to handle and understand why things are so hard. My youngest is the sweetest most thoughtful child in the world, but when he wants something or doesn’t want something, he is your typical preschooler. Kids seem so devastated over the simplest things in life, and they need someone who is understanding and empathetic as they figure things out. Yes, it is hard, to me it is hard to watch them struggle, and tiring to find never ending patience, so that I might not make the situation worse. But, you know what, that is my job, and I am happy to do it the rest of my life. Not to be embarrassed or ashamed of the situation that I am in, but to make it a learning experience for both of us. For me, it is to learn what situations to avoid, and how to explain to them that life is tough and we don’t get everything we want – even if it take 20 “learning experiences” in the store. They are learning and experiencing so much everyday, I believe we should appreciate every mistake, and every achievement, no matter how “bad” it made our day – may be not at the very moment that the world is spinning out of control, but definitely when you come out if alive. I understand where this article is coming from, but to love being a parent, only on the most amazing moments and not include the “bad” moments, that is something I can not understand. These are my personal feelings, and I also, “do not think I am a better parent for feeling this way”. I appreciate honesty and I am not judging, expressing our true feeling is how we get through these times together, as parents. But I see the honesty of this piece, being about struggling as a parent, not a piece about strength or justifying what makes us good mothers. We cherish every moment we have of life, the good AND the bad. I ALSO choose to do the same with parenting.
I love this. Perfectly said. Thank you.
I LOVED this post! It’s so true in every respect and I couldn’t have said it better myself. I guess I have to say…it’s REAL. Thank you so much for putting it like you did. I think it gives both sides of the story the real or hard and the beautiful.
Wow, what an excellent article. I love this blog and will make it a point to become a regular reader.
Michele
Wow. I’m in tears. Amen to everything you said. And thank you.
You make me feel normal. Thank you! 🙂
Found a reference to your blog on facebook today – so glad. I am a mother of 5 and I would NEVER say I enjoyed every minute of it – and honestly think that a woman who does say that is majorly LYING – or only has 2 children. You have to have 3 children to be a REAL mother, in my opinion. You write beautifully. I am in the grandmommy stage of life, now – my youngest is 20 yr. No, I would not want to do it again. Yes, if I DID do it again, I would do some things differently, but who knows? You just do the best you know how. When I see young mothers struggling with children, I’ll say to them, “Hardest job there is. Hang in there.” I try to encourage them. I remember wondering why my own mother never told me how hard mothering would be!!! Then I figured its a good thing she didn’t or I perhaps wouldn’t have done it. You do look back and wonder how it seems to have passed so quickly, but when you’re in the thick of it, it seems it can’t pass quickly enough! Loved your New Year’s eve story, too – great laughs! Will be visiting your blog often – bookmarked it under “Inspirational”.
What kind of thing is that to say, “you have to have 3 children to be a real monther”? That is crap. Nice way to ruin your entire post.
This is in response to Patti’s comment~~~3 kids to be a REAL mother??? REALLY?? Can’t believe you think that. Was 40 when i had my first child 41 when i had my second worked full time two kids under two in diapers, fed them nothing but breast milk for the first 6 months of their lives nursed my first till he was 11 months won’t even say how long i nursed my second because am always amazed by the judgement i receive especially from other moms! Every mother of one or two children should be insulted by your comment! I know I am because it just isn’t true!!
Maybe she is right. I might not be a “real” mother because I only have two children. But , I AM enjoying every moment. I see how much harder everything seems to be with 3, 4 or more children. I’m so glad my husband and I made the decision we did.
Wow you have to have 3 kids and can’t appreciate life if you actually enjoy your kids most of the day????
It’s hard to see how one can equate being a real mom with being past a threshhold number of children where misery outweighs rewards. The level of masochism implied by that statement makes me feel no one else ought to take it too personally.
The Duggars would say you haven’t counted high enough. You have to have AT LEAST TEN children to be a REAL parent… 😛
I think that is horrible to say! Whether it be 1 child or 10 children, a mother is a mother. Yes, it’s harder the more you have, but having less does NOT make you less of a mother. We ALL still celebrate Mother’s Day, don’t we? DUH!
Wow!
You have a tremendous gift, thank you for sharing it!
I am one of those old nostalgic women. I think the point is that not everyone does get to be old and nostalgic. Seizing the day, enjoying the moment just means to know it is the absolutely only moment you have. You said you will be the old nostalgic woman one day. Not necessarily. Hate to be the rain cloud, but my mom died when I was 10. I still wish she had become an old nostalgic woman. Plus, there is nothing wrong with appreciating the hard, sad, bad times. Something in our society screwed up when we bought into the happy all the time fantasy. So, yeah, I advocate the carpe diem attitude, cause the moment is all you have and you are lucky to have those hard things to get to grumble about. You can still wish and dream and hope, but those aren’t real, they may become real if you have another moment. So, if you are having a hard moment, just embrace it and know it is just as fleeting as the happy moments. There really isn’t room for guilt in this moment we currently have.
@julie: wonderfully said! I am not currently “1 of those sweet old women” but hopefully some day I will be! And if I am licky enough I will be able to look back on it all like that. Every moment good or bad counts…it all matters. Becasue somewhere someone didn’t get to have that moment….
As a new mom of 2 under 2 – this spoke volumes to me! Thank you for your honesty 🙂
Thank you for this. It allowed me to let go of my guilt for a moment. I’m sure it will weasel it’s way back into my heart, but for now, it’s gone. Because of you.
Have just now found your blog via Brooke’s link on urbanearthmama.
Love it. Truly 🙂
Not a mom myself, but have plenty of friends who are, and who will also snort coffee out of their noses whilst reading this, so I am forwarding it right away.
Thanks 🙂
Thank you!!!! For making me laugh & making me cry – all at the same time…in the middle of a crowded cafe.
As a single mom of a bright & active & spirited 2.5 year old boy, i need all the truth-telling mama’s i can find…
(http://butwhohasthetime.blogspot.com/)
thank you for writing this….just reading it made my heart lighter! i loved it. i’m a mom to 5mo boy/girl twins and 2 1/2yr old little girl. “are you enjoying every second”….no but i am enjoying my kairos moment…and now i know what to call them!
Hi,
This is the first time I have read your blog. AMEN. Thank you for your words. I have four little boys and what encouragement and honesty you just provided me with. I look forward to reading your words. God Bless You!
I found myself saying “I know!” multiple times as I read your article. Right on, and write on, Glennon!
AMEN!
I read this at a time I really needed it as a mama. Thank you for your eloquent, honest and heart felt words!
“I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.” LMAO…yes yes yes!!!! I love being a mom, but, at the end of the day, I feel like I’ve been run over with a semi hooked to another semi… Just posting this comment, I’m simultaneously yelling at the twins to “stop trying to open the dishwasher while it’s going. You’ll sear your face off with the steam!” …..thank you for such a wonderful post! I just remind myself that I’m putting in the grunt work to make them good people when their grown…if they don’t kill me first.
Thank you for this! This mommy of 3 so needed to hear something like this today! Perfect timing! This will forever remain my philosophy of parenting.
Wow. You nailed it for me. Totally. I never could put my finger on why something just felt off when people would tell me to “enjoy every moment.” Like something was wrong with me because I just couldn’t do it and trying made my blood pressure sky-rocket. But you…you put words to it! You completely explained what that off-ness was all about. I have those excruciating Chronos moments and those brief Kairos moments that are so precious and make all this work worth it. Thank you!
Thank you so much! I was beginning to feel like I was the only one who felt this way. No one ever talks about parenting like this, which is the reality. Just becaue we don’t enjoy every moment of having our kids does not mean that we don’t love and cherish them.
Thank You!
Thank you sooooo much! You couldn’t be more accurate 🙂
I’d love to offer a perspective on the flip side 🙂
This was a lovely post and something that obviously so many people have resonated with, I think because it justifies and gives women permission to accept the fact that life is hard and that is okay. Enjoy the small moments that happen throughout the day that are good and gracious.
I loved your delineation of chronos time and kairos time…
BUT
I really think that its possible for us to actually live in the reverse. I believe that the majority of our days can be spent in Kairos. We will have chronos moments for sure, but it is very possible to live mainly in Kairos.
I’m not saying that its easy. In fact, it takes a lot of consistent daily discipline, work, and concerted effort to make that happen but IT IS POSSIBLE. If we think that a few kairos moments are sufficient throughout the day than we are living far below our privileges. We really can have so much more! I’ve worked really hard the last few years making small but significant changes in the way our days operate and I’m finally to a point where kairos is the majority of our day. If not, then its usually because I’ve skimped on some important factors that help keep us in a better place.
I still love your post. But I think its only the beginning 🙂 Learning to recognize the difference between chronos and kairos makes it then possible to begin to shift which one has the majority of our life.
Keep up the great work!
Would love to hear about the changes you’ve made to get more enjoyment out of parenting. I know it is hard and that there will always be those moments of misery, but I feel like MOST of my parenting experience makes me kinda miserable, and I really would like to change that. I don’t want to look back on this time and realize that I squandered it being frustrated, tired, and angry all the time.
Once again – someone trying to suggest that the woman who wrote this post is clearly doing it (parenting) wrong. You ARE exactly the kind of person who drives me (and clearly many others) crazy with your unhelpful and JUDGMENTAL advice. Keep it to yourself – or start your own blog where people who think like you can read your comments…
Yes.
From experience: yes.
And, obviously, you’ve struck a chord with people here.
Thanks.
[…] from Momastary […]
glad to see this perspective in writing. I wish someone had sent me something like this when I was in the trenches with my first 3 that all under 3. Probably would have let go of a lot of guilt earlier about wanting bedtime to come early or nap time to last a few minutes longer. Now with 5 kids I can better enjoy those kairos moments because I know that those are the moments that will make me nostalgic in my later years. And those not so pleasant moments will seem like funny clips from a sitcom. I write this as my 3yr old is throwing a tantrum about who’s in charge of the remote as he jumps on the couch in his underwear he just wet for the 3rd time today (it’s only 10am) and I’m still washing clothes that were thrown-up on yesterday, while tying to get my 5yr old ready for school and staring at the mayhem my older three left on their way out to the bus. So I’ll take a deep breath continue on my career of professional mom and remembering that it’s not a bad thing that parenting is hard because that’s what makes it worth the effort.
I am 46. I have children 21, 19 and 12. When they get older all you really think about is the good times. You have to think long and hard to even remember the bad times, but they are there (for everyone). Because by then you have raised your children and all the good in them shines through. When you are older, you see how blessed you really are. Your grown up kids are the blessing and you were a big part of that. You realize the good times are all that really matter! 🙂
You got it 100% right. I don’t believe any mom that said she enjoyed every minute of it. Bedtime is glorious
My “second-mom” once told me (in the midst of a breakdown), “If more women were honest with each other about how hard this is, it would be easier for all of us.”
It wasn’t about parenting, but I think it applies. So, thank you for being honest. I am sure that one day when I am a parent, I will think of this and know that I’m not the only one who has had a hard time!
Keep up the good work!
When I linked this post to my facebook page the other day, the blurb I put with it was, “Words from my own heart written by a stranger’s pen.” I really believe that:) Thank you.
Two days ago, a high school classmate of mine lost two boys in a house fire. As I’ve prayed (and prayed and prayed and prayed and…) for him to be able to literally put one foot in front of the other and take just one more breath (and then another and another and…) I have lived in moments of unbelievable Kairos with my own girls.
Oh, if you do get to adopt Nate Berkus, could we have a playdate? I will drive from TN:)
This is beautifully put and just what I need to hear. Thanks for being real!
[…] found one of those this morning, and I had to share asap, despite the fact that the post is a week or so old and has already made it’s rounds on the […]
Hi – I’m new here via this post, and I just wanted to thank you for sharing these wonderful words of wisdom. I’m not yet a parent, but I know lots of parents and my sister is about to become a parent, and I’ve shared this with all those people. If they haven’t had a chance to comment here, I wanted to let you know that your words have brought freedom, acceptance, relief – tears of relief – to many moms (and a few dads) in my sphere in the last 24 hours.
So thanks again, for your good, hard work as a mom, and for allowing God to speak words of widsom, love, and Kairos through you.
[…] a friend emailed me a link to a fantastic post titled, Don’t Carpe Diem. If you have ever felt annoyed at the “enjoy every moment” mentality, but never stopped […]
This is so freeing to read.. I am one of those moms who stresses over the whole Enjoy every moment, and I also feel guilt when i’m not.. This is so well written, and I am glad I took the time to read it.. I have said countless times in a panic, ” I don’t want to be one of those people who looks back when her kids move out and say, I should have enjoyed them more, I should have done this, or that, and the other thing.. So afraid I will have so many regrets because I didn’t find enjoyment in ever moment..” But the fact is, it IS work, hard work. So thank you again!!!
Thank you for this post. I’m 38 weeks pregnant, and a friend sent this to me. She knows me well. I literally laughed out loud while reading this, and got a little teary by the end. I wish more people had the wisdom to take this perspective, as opposed to the guilt-inducing CARPE DIEM you so beautifully describe.
This is the best post written about motherhood, EVER!!! Thank you so much for putting into words what most of us lack in ability to do. Thank you, thank you, and thank you!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Seriously. Wonderful post. I feel the same way. Last week I had an epiphany moment when I was trying to pee – my two month old started crying and my two year old followed me yelling “Mommy where are you? Mommy where did you go? Mommy what are you doing? Hold me! All done now Mommy! Hold me!” All in the time that it took me to pee. I tried to remind myself that one day I would miss this and then I thought “Really? I’ll miss *everything* that happens? Riiiiiiiight.”
By far the best article I’ve ever read online…anywhere…ever. If I could hug your neck right this minute I would. Thank you for expressing so eloquently what my heart has been screaming for the nearly six years I’ve been a mother. Sometimes God gives you a reminder you’ve craved, you’ve prayed for and it allows you to breathe. This post was that breath for me and I thank you for it. Thank you for the Kairos moment you gifted me as I’m just about to wake my daughter for Kindergarten and the Chronos moments are surely going to abound! 😉
I struggle everyday to find joy in what I do a a mother and parent of two – I honestly think it doesn’t ever get easier; the nature of the challenges just change a little bit every day. I do miss the younger days of my children, mostly because they were in my way every day and I could interact with the more. Right now, my struggle is with be so alone all day while they are at school and knowing that when they get home it will be such a whirlwind in a short period of time before bedtime arrives.
Thank you for being honest about your struggles and reminding me that part of the pleasure in parenting is knowing you will get through the hard – hang on to the kairos moments and eventually, they will rise to the top of your memories and the rest will grow dim in comparison to the chronos moments – that is the true meaning of Carpe Diem when you are parenting.
[…] So for now, I have “just three” almost “just five”. Each of them unique, wonderfully made, invaluable. And I’m enjoying the ever-building craziness and can’t wait until its even more full. It definitely isn’t and won’t be easy, but it is life abundant, joy. And as Matt mentioned tonight as we were talking about this, Father shows His strength to the world through our need for Him. Our weak places. I am learning more of Him through them than I ever thought possible and I am pondering the kairos. […]
Oh, yeah….you are carpe diem. Kairos diem . Because that’s all the little old lady is remembering anyway. The kairos moments.
btw: same thing with grandkids. Only you get to walk away and leave them with their parents. 🙂
I’m 25 years old and I’m italian. If I say that I would like to marry now, have children people look at me as a crazy girl who wants to sacrifie her young time…I’m afraid when I look at the children when I’m baby sitting asking me if I’ll be a good mother and I thank God to have given me a mother who was perfect to me, who is always able to understand me and to love me as only a mom can do. My mother says that it is not hard to be parented, it is our nature and naturally we have to live it: so I agree with your lesson # 2 and I hope to be able to stop me sometime, have a look of my life like through a open window and be happy about what I’m building every day for the future of my family.
I have four grown children…I totally get everything you wrote. People always asked me how did I do it. Much of it was a blur and I just put one foot in front of the other. But one day in the middle of Safeway I finally realized my truth, two kids in one cart, groceries in a second and two kids circling my legs. ‘Some days more gracefully than others.’ 25 years later this is still my answer. Grace and blessings to all Mom’s. My only advice is simple…this, too, shall pass!
“Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.”
Probably THE most butchered Latin-Greek-English sentence ever constructed! Well done! 🙂
One day you will be called gram, grandma, G…You will see your beautiful children raising their children and for you it will all be Kairos moments.
I have a 9 month old and a 2 yr. old. My 2 yr. old just mastered opening doors. Between the running around, crying, nursing the baby, ect it was 3 hours before everyone was asleep in their beds. This was what I needed to read tonight, thank you.
Wow! Thank you! I was just talking to friend this afternoon about why would we want more kids when we have 3 already and feel like we aren’t doing our best? Yet we do want more kids. My thought was because the love that we have for our children ends up overwriting how hard it is to raise them! This, though, makes me feel like, this is why I want another one!!! Great post.
Thank you!!! This is brilliant – and so wonderfully relatable. 🙂
Carpe Diem et Carpe Noctem. We CAN have both. Motherhood=finding balance.
Carpe Diem et Carpe Noctem. We can have both. The balance is hard, but is is reachable.
Amazing! I needed to hear this now more than EVER! Thank you for speaking from
your heart! I have a 10 month old and one on the way (17 wks pregnant). I get a little overwhelmed thinking about how it’s all going to work out, but God has a beautiful plan and He definitely knew I needed to hear your words tonight. Thank you and God Bless!
[…] from me for tonight. instead i leave you in the hands of a more experienced blogger. i came across this post on facebook this morning and it rang true for me. […]
I have read this post over and over since it was first shared on facebook. It perfectly describes my life right now. I am a mother of a 2 year old daughter, with a deployed husband. Almost a single mom. Almost. We are having a really difficult time between potty training, tantrums, missing daddy, and just getting plain sick of each other. I’m tired. I’m tired of being “on” all the time without having a partner to tap into the game. And I’ve been feeling guilty for not being the best, nicest mommy I can be 24/7. But I just can’t. Being ALL mommy ALL the time is exhausting. Blerg, I just had to go lay the tiny tyrant back down and forgot what else I was going to type. Oh yes, thank you for this post. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. Motherhood is not all sunshine and roses, but it is still awesome. In my experience, to find or experience anything truly awesome, there is a period (or periods) of suck that goes along with it. I’ve found that to be true of my parenting experience. And this post couldn’t have come at a better time. My daughter and I have really been butting heads lately, I can’t get her to listen to me without yelling, I am constantly frustrated. I’ve been a wreck. But then you came along with your Kairoses and you gave me a little hope. I don’t have to be soaking in every moment to truly cherish my daughter. There are those moments when she melts my heart into a puddle. Now I have a name for them. I am now trying to Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day, and say it to myself each time one strikes. Thank you for that. Today, remembering the kairoses, you made my thankless, difficult, tear-inducing job a little bit better. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Hang in there! Been in your shoes–you are probably doing a much better job than you think. 🙂 It is hard to do and I thank you for your sacrifices.
I loved this blog post too. 🙂 Reading your reply, just wanted to mention a book I’ve been reading the last week, called “Have a New Kid by Friday,” by Kevin Lehman. Not authoritarian & not permission, great balance. VERY helpful! 🙂
I just got done with a deployment myself and I feel your pain. The butting of heads, days you feel you just are not doing a good job. Hang in there it will be over soon and you’ll have your partner in crime back. My boys seem to have survived the Momster…lol.
Good luck Mama, and if you need to talk please email me at my website
Wow! Thank you ladies!! Heather- I will definitely have to check out that book. I’ve been doing a crap-tastic job at Love and Logic, maybe we need a change. Thanks again for the support. We have less than two months left now 🙂
I just read this and all these comments and think: You all sound like you feel persecuted, that no one in the world understands how hard it is to have three kids. Of course it is difficult! Of course it can be a relief when the kids go to bed. Everyone needs their own time. I am tired of all these stay at home mom’s deciding that the world doesn’t give them enough credit. No one who has a decent head on their shoulders thinks that every minute is going to be easy…and really, WHO CARES what the woman in the grocery store thinks? You know whether you are happy or doing a good job as a parent or whether you think it is all worth it. Life itself isn’t easy for most of us. Stop feeling sorry for yourselves and live your life.
I can understand how you can feel this way but look at it from this point. A Stay At Home Mom has no real “boss” and in a way that sounds pretty awesome, BUT that also means no guidance, no encouragement, no promotions,no time off, no sick days, etc. While it is usually a choice, it is a hard one to make. So cut us some slack when all we want is a little appreciation. If you don’t like it, then don’t listen. 🙂
I’m a parent AND own my own business with my husband. My kid comes with me to work on a regular basis. We parent and work at the same time and work incredibly long days. I don’t get vacation or sick days except for the occasional day off for Christmas and New Years or if I am dying from the flu. There are days where parenting is especially trying AND I have everything seems to be falling apart. But I still know in my heart whether I am doing a good job and positively affecting my family and my business. I have very little empathy for women who’s sole job is to stay home with their kids and are complaining. There are plenty of people out there that have it way worse than any of us. And I’m done.
I loved this post, and shared it with my friends who also loved it. I am a working mom, and so are they. I really didn’t read this as a plight of a stay at home mom AT ALL. This resonates with my friends and me too. We’re probably even more susceptible to the guilt of not enjoying every moment since we’re not there for every moment. I bet dads feel this way too.
I agree with you- seriously life can be tough but it is what you make of it, if you choose to sit around and whine and complain it will only seem more troublesome. Why not live life to the fullest enjoying that you have been blessed with the opportunity to parent children (no matter how tiring it can be) and look on the bright side? I have 2 under 2 and 1 on the way I will have 3 under 3 by this summer, I am a work at home mom with my own business, I manage our home our finances, cook. My husband works a lot and I am happy as it gets. Because every day, through the diaper changes, the potty training, the tantrums I know this is a gift. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, and I’d never complain about getting to be a mother. When you have waited and waited and lost babies and told you’d never have children you don’t take it for granted when God repairs your womb. I’m so tired of people joining together to have a huge complaining session. Enjoy your life, enjoy your family.
Thank you for being real. Thank you for saying that we DON’T have to be perfect moms taking in every.precious.moment in order to be a good mom.
Interesting that I’m reading this today, considering the scripture I read this morning.
”We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.” Romans 5:3
Thanks for the scripture. It will help me in more ways than you know. I am a mom of three (7,3 & 2) and am going through chemotherapy. Your scripture of the day has now become mine too 🙂 God Bless.
So perfectly, purposefully said. Well done, warrior.
Oh how true these words are. How can any parent truely “love” every moment? I once heard someone say that “parenting is the hardest job you will ever love.” I have to agree with this. Nothing easy is worthwhile, only the most difficult things are truly appreciated when they are done.
I really needed this….. Thank You! I’ve never seen
Your website until now:)) A friend posted this link on
Facebook. So refreshing…. So well said….
Thank you for this! You put this everyday occurrence into such wonderful words & inspired me tonight to share some more (http://wp.me/pCQ2I-75) , and only seize the parts of the day that I want & forget the rest. First time on your blog, but I’ll be back!
Wonderful
Simply brilliant!
Amen, sista! This post made me laugh and cry. I’ve had 3 babies in the last 3 years, and I could not agree with you more. Thank you for this honest, humorous, beautiful post. Much needed reading at the end of a long day of climbing. Press on, Warrior!
Awesome, Amazing, Beautiful!!
After reading Unwind to my husband just now (barely) I started crying after the first few sentences…I read this…YOU have taken the words out of my mouth.
I am a recovering addict too, trying to do the best at mommhood that I can. Doing the mommy thing the BEST THAT I CAN is sometimes not easy for me. I have a tendency to want everything perfect… relate?? Especially with girls, hair, clothes, bows…etc! I want to be there for everything and involve them in as much as I can. One thing I was taught recently was to KEEP IT SIMPLE…ugh, totally not easy for me. I need to learn to let the little things go and not overwhelm myself w/ tedious things. I AM NOT PERFECT. I make mistakes and I TRY to learn from them or at least not make them as often…lol :\. I can’t be there for everything, sometimes my oldest dresses herself (AHHHHH) and the baby goes w/ out a matching bow! It’s OK, life goes on and no one gets hurt. Your words are uhhh-mazing. THANK YOU!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lBDN8yWyNYU
[…] read a great post tonight about not wanting to hear carpe diem anymore when it comes to parenting young children. It came on a day with multiple temper tantrums […]
Fantastic. I’m not a Mom but I shared it with some very important Mom’s in my life. You are giving Mom’s everywhere permission to have good days and bad days. What a gift you have given them.
I wish I could send this to every mother I know. You hit the nail on the head with the Everest analogy. Thank you so much for writing this, it is so so true. It is the HARDEST job in the whole world but I do think we’ll look back and mostly remember the wonderfulness of it all.
Oh thank you for this post. You feed my soul and brought me to tears. I have a 4 1/2 year old, 3 year old and a 8 month old. The 8 month old won’t sleep and I am beyond tired because the 8 month old won’t sleep. Just today I was questioning why I had a third kid. You answered my question. Thank you.
My daughter (mom of two little ones) just linked me to your well-written, heartfelt post. Since I try to help people be more present in their lives, I have a feeling she might have been feeling inadequate on that score. Here’s my reply to her:
“I would never suggest that (Glennon) — or you, or any mom — was not being in the moment, even when struggling, even when not liking it at the time. In fact, I think of you as being as present as anyone I know.
“To me, being in the moment just means that you give yourself completely to whatever it is you decide to do. You don’t have to enjoy it.
“I hope you know how proud I am of you and your parenting — including how you manage to balance the crushing work and responsibility with other aspects of your life…and how much I love you!”
Glennon, I hope you know that some of those folks who tell you to enjoy these moments mean nothing more than to be supportive and let you know that they’ve been there. You sound like a fantastic mom, and a wonderful person!
That is all sooooo true! Thank you for your honesty it is refreshing! I speak truthfully about parenthood often and people just look at me like i’m mean or crazy or whatever…i dont’ care i think people should be informed. I think this is great b/c the parent/mom guilt especially is THE WORST! I’m glad i am not alone. You are awesome and i love your Kairos moments…they made me cry…happy tears:) Well said sister;)
Glennon, I’m not sure you’ll remember me, but we met at library story time several years ago for my then one-year-old Sophia, and your daughter Tish. In any case, I came across this post from a friend who recommended it on facebook. It spoke to me, and I then I realized who wrote it! Your writings are fantastic–thought-provoking, and funny, and unlike anything I’ve found in the blogworld. You have truly found your calling. Thanks for putting it out there the way you do.
All the best!
Elizabeth Edwards
Thank you! Your post made me laughed till I cried, and echoed the challenge, the fun, the frustration and the joy that I’ve had as a mom. Being a mom definitely brings out the wry sense of humor in some. Thanks again.
Well said and thank you, thank you, thank you. I agree it’s hard…as I sip a dt coke, have a bowl of popcorn to myself and lounge with my hubby and iPad. Life is good now that mytwolittle ones are sleeping. I also agree its worth the climb no matter how hard it is. I appreciate all the comments. Glad I’m normal!
You are amazing. And so right on. Thank you.
Wow that was so good to read. thank you.
well this and all the comments made me really wonder why i chose to have a kid?you make it seem so terrible.Scared the crap out of a not yet parent
She is just being real. Being a parent is the best job you will ever have it is also the most difficult. You will love it, almost every moment. Congrats and good luck!
Save this in your favorites , once you have two or three kiddos go back and read this!! It will make sense!! 🙂 I have appreciated this read! Nothing to be scared of 🙂
Same here. You know folks love their children, but what if they never knew them? Would their lives be better or worse?
I totally agree on remembering the accomplishment but not the pain. Like remembering finishing the marathon but repressing the 2 times I vomited and the 24 hour headache the day after. 🙂
[…] i feel at the moment – it’s just that someone else has been able to put it into words. this post about parenting was just what i needed to read the other day. it reminds me of my friend R’s […]
THANK YOU. Just what I needed to read.
Brilliant! You put down my feelings and frustrations exactly. I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and am so grateful to have her, until the 6th time she gets out of bed and walks into my room and it’s 11 pm and I want to have gone to sleep an hour ago. Wishing for more of those Kairos moments, having way to many chronos ones…
Beautifully and insightfully put, thank you so much!! I love your writing voice. And I love your future message to the younger mom when you are older. That would be the coolest thing ever for someone to say and do for us moms of little ones at the store! Never heard chronos and kairos time defined – thanks for that!
I really really needed this tonight! I tucked our 11 yr old into bed and he wanted TLC. As I stood beside his bunk gently stroking his bristly hair and I thought back over our evening. . . not the last several months of evenings. . . I feel like such a failure. It seems like I am always in a rush to get them to bed, or off to school. If not that then I just want them to be quiet – so I have time to think (we have 4 kids and our youngest is 5; I also babysit a 2 yr old and a 6 month old). Lord, please help me to enjoy my children. . . thank you so much for writing this. I will look for those little moments that are out of “this world”.
When I read what you hope to say to some young mother, I fell apart crying. Amen. Amen. Amen! Thank you! I wanna be “that” old lady, too.
Oh thank goodness. You know. It’s not just me.
Thank you for the lesson about kairos. I’ll make a point of looking for those moments…
THANKYOU THANKYOU!
I was actually unfriended by someone on Facebook for daring to put up a status saying “why on why did I have kids”. She questioned my motherhood, stated that she loved every single moment of being a parent and she felt sorry for anyone who didn’t treasure every single second. Then she flounced off saying she’ll be praying for my poor kids…
It was a day where the kids had pulled every single toy out in both bedrooms, refused to clean it up, fought and hit and pinched each other, screamed, and to top it all off my son hurt himself twice in the space of half an hour.
Those are not the kinds of times I treasure.
But that doesn’t mean I do not love my kids. They give my life a purpose and there is just so much enjoyment.
But there are also really sucky times filled with tantrums, vomit, stress and mess.
Why can’t we just accept the whole lot and pay special attention to the good bits. Those good bits are the ones that get you through the other times…
I take it a little differently than the writer when people tell me “it goes by so quickly.” I hear in their voices not a dose of advice so much as lamentation for their own situation that the time seemed to pass too quickly–just as we will all likely feel someday– and an idealization of what that missed time must have been like–just as we will likely all do someday. So, my reaction is one of sympathy for them more than rejection of their message for me. Perhaps this is more of a male reaction, as women I know often seem to feel more criticized for their parenting.
Thank you for your comment. I never took it as criticism when someone would say that to me. But now that I am one of those ‘older women’ who miss terribly having my kids at home, I hesitate to say anything to anyone in public because it may end up in a blog post, taken terribly out of context, leaving me feeling very judged. Go figure.
Im new to your blog through this post. I have struggled so much with feeling as if there was something wrong with me for having the feelings that you so beautifully describe here. I always wanted children, and now that I have 2 (ages 4 & 2), and after losing 3, why am I not blissfully happy amd feeling those ooey-gooey mushy-gushy feelings towards my children? There MUST be something wrong with ME!
Thank you for your honesty and your witness. As a Christian wife and mom, this spoke to me loudly. I’m thankful that you are allowing the Lord to be your strength to encourage a multitude of moms like me..
Thanks. I just had a HORRIBLE day and needed this perspective!
Amen! And thanks for your honesty. I have a five-year-old daughter and triplet boys who are three. I have often felt guilty for not enjoying it all enough. As you said, “double failure.”
I love the idea of kairos, and although I’d never heard the term before, I know exactly what it is: the smell of a child fresh from the bath, a drowsy “I love you,” laughter from the other room.
I do not need to enjoy every moment of every day (that’s insanity!), but I will always enjoy some moments in every day.
I just linked from a post on my blog: http://trippin-lifewithtriplets.blogspot.com/2012/01/she-says-dont-carpe-diem-i-agree.html
Thanks,
Christy
i don’t know how to thank you enough for this. possibly the best thing i’ve ever read. no joke.
[…] of kids and parenting, here’s what I posted on FB the other day: I *had* to share this brilliant post. As a parent, who can’t relate to being “tired and cranky and ready for the day to be […]
A friend of mine shared your link on Facebook and I’m so glad she did. I found myself shaking my head in agreement and breathing a sigh of relief, as I read your honest words. Before reading your post, I felt very guilty that everyday wasn’t great. I felt guilty that I wasn’t doing some memory-making creative craft with my son during the 2.5 minutes of free time we have each night. Like you, every time someone says, “Enjoy them while you can,” I feel like I need to rush home, create some lifelong memory and record it for the future. I think our society tries to overdo it sometimes and when those older than us try to give us such wisdom as cherishing every moment, we take them too literal. They were raised in a much simpler era, which changes a lot of things. I’m starting to ramble but I wanted to thank you for your honesty and let you know that I’m in 100% agreement with you!
Gay father of a recently adopted boy. My partner travels a lot for work, so single dad 30% of the time. Baby is 7 months and I love every second of sitting on the floor playing with him. I very much relate in many ways.
Beautiful family!