Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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2,618 Comments
Thank you. This post resonated with me, not only as a mother, but as someone whose life has been “brutiful” in many ways. I will definitely be following your blog from now on!
Thank you so much for writing this. I was crying by the time I finished reading. I often feel this way and it was such an encouragement to hear you talk about savoring the little moments. We mothers must stick together! God bless.
You nailed it. Every day, I look at my kids and wonder when the hell they’ll stop talking/crying/whining/slamming shut my computer/breaking things. And every day, I look at their faces and almost swoon. How could any creature be so perfect? And so awful. And so awfully perfect.
But the part of your post I relate to the most is when the kids are in bed and it’s time to veg on the sofa. I say to my husband every single night: This is my favorite part of the day. It’s not entirely true – but there’s plenty of truth in it.
You are amazing. A-maz-ing. I have felt this so many times, with the well meaning “cherish these moments” (why does this always happen in a grocery store?!?!), and my guilt at wanting to just hit the fast forward button over and over. You put it so perfectly. Every mommy who reads this today is going to be so grateful for your words. I know I am.
Thank you so much . I am not alone. Mother of 5 year old twins.
I agree with you in that there are times parents, especially moms need a breather. We often have that need to tell someone how hard parenting is and how much we are suffering at the time. And of course, who would be happy and thankful for people who would constantly tell you to enjoy yourself, enjoy all those precious times with your children at the exact same moment that you’re nearing your patience thread? So yeah, you have a point in that we as moms should have that me time to restore our energy and to enjoy our children more.
BUT I dont think its right to look forward to those me times. because, in my honest opinion, its when you start to look forward and become excited to those me times (after bedtime when the kids are at school) that you become estranged to your children. Its those times when you no longer fail to see your Kairos time and all you see are the frustrations and suffering in your chronos time.
Im not saying your not a doing good job at parenting or that I am the best in parenting. What im saying is that our children shouldnt have to wait for us. They shouldnt have to wait for our free time, for when we are ready to play with them, for when we are in a good mood to hang out with them, for when we could stop whatever it is that we are doing to actually look at them and appreciate them.
Whatever works for you, continue doing it. If Carpe Diem dont work for you, stick with your Kairos and Chronos time. but if I may offer an advice, try to MAKE every Chronos time a Kairos time. Dont wait for Kairos time to come present itself to you. Make a move to FIND Kairos time.
Theres always something fun to laugh at and smile for and be thankful for. Dont let your frustrations and struggles get the best of you.
you missed the point and by posting this are another one of the old ladies in the checkout line. her “me” time includes reliving her kairos times! ugh.
j is right – you have COMPLETELY missed the point. You actually said “I don’t think it’s right to look forward to those me times.” You are ABSOLUTELY telling this woman that she isn’t parenting right. Why do you feel so compelled to give people crappy advice!? ARGH…
[…] watching part of a movie, I was able to get some reading done. My friend, Melissa, posted a link to this very wise blog article. In it the author writes about how often she is approached by older women who remind her to […]
Oh I so needed your message last week when I read it for the first time! My two year old has been absolutely exhausting me for the past three weeks. I’ve been battling in my own head…chastising myself for not feeling happy….and for the ‘ what have I gotten myself into?!’ thoughts….had a kairos moment tonight when he asked me to sit with him and look at the pictures on my phone. Then he said, “Happy family, mama,” and leaned in for a huge hug. Of course, all my irritation melted away. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone….
oh my goodness. thank you. I’m a mom of two little girls (two and 8 months) and HOLY MOSES, its hard work!!! While standing in line at target one time, my youngest starting screaming her head off. It was the end of the day, i was exhausted, and was counting down the minutes to dinner, then bath time, then BED TIME!! a mom behind me said, “oh don’t you just hate when they cry like that?? Poor thing, i just feel so bad for her!” While I understood, that yes, a crying baby is sad, but my immediate response was, “yeah, i don’t feel all that bad for her” haha! luckily, I had very understanding women around me!! I think when other women look at moms of young kids, they immediately go to a place where they loved just cuddling, and holding their tiny little kids, and can get caught up in that moment of bliss, only to forget the every day hardships!! Being a mom is AMAZING and I wouldn’t change being a mom for anything in the world, but I won’t lie… when 7 o’clock rolls around, I am ready for lights out, and some relaxing time with my husband too!! Thank you for your honesty!! I loved reading and nodding along with every word!
So- you likely do not get a lot of Dads posting- but I want to add my acknowledgement, and an observation.
People who share their wishes are not really talking about you. They are talking about (and to) themselves. Parenting IS hard. As I observe my wife and I, older than average parents of a 16 year old man-child, it would not surprise me if all we could remember about the experience in the end was how hard it was- ergo- our errors and shortfalls as parents. If our son is a Nobel Laureate, will we only remember the misery we faced over decisions about driving and computer games? If so, why would we NOT want to spare some poor younger parent by providing counsel designed to remind ourselves (not them) of the joys of parenting.
I try to be empathetic when we get that kind of talk- along with the ever present “…it only gets harder. Wait till you get to…” In the end, all we can do is hug each other a little tighter, look for those Kairos moments (love that you used this term) and keep our eyes and souls focused on the reason we added new life to the world and the family.
I am one of those people who takes the time to say “enjoy your children” to parents of young children. I do not necessarily mean in the moment but at some point during each day. My son is a drug addict, possibly going to jail, who I pray every day stays alive. I am hoping one day he hits rock bottom and comes out the other side, but I do not know if that will happen. Enjoy the carefree days with your children, pray for the best, and hope that you never lose your child to death, drugs, alcohol, or someone else’s stupidity. I agree with your take on things about those moments that take your breath away with your children. Cherish them every time it happens. Hoepfully, you have those moments each and every day, possibly multiple times. As hard as parenting is, in the end, your children are a blessing from God to be cherished every day.
My brother grew up addicted to heroin and spent 2 years in a federal prison. I watched my parents grieve and I watched my parents blame themselves. My parents are amazing and love us both so much. But the best part of the story is that my brother got clean. Got married. Went to prison a clean, sober, married man and faced his demons from his past. He is now out of prison for almost 2 years, is 30 years old and expecting his first child. He is an amazing person and we have grown incredibly close as a family. My parents never gave up and I know there were many days they looked back on his childhood when he was that young, carefree little guy and wondered where it went wrong.
I look at my 11 month old and all I want to do is protect her from the world around her, but I just have to take it day by day because you never know what will happen.
Good luck and things can definitely turn around, I saw it with my own eyes!
Awesome. Couldn’t stop thinking about this. Gave it to my husband to read too, and it also resonated with him. Thanks!
I had this exact same moment walking out the door of a church recently. Two kids begging (not so nicely) for attention and an older lady smiling fondly and saying, “Oh, enjoy every second.” I felt ready to foist every second on her and take a long break! Thanks for saying what we are all thinking. Hopefully when we are old nostalgic (beautiful) ladies, we will remember and say exactly what you said we should.
And I have to add – I love my beauties so much and have those gorgeous Kairos moments in which I nearly melt from the joy, and I yearned for them for years before they came into my life and I would never have the busy craziness of my life any other way.
Oh my, what a lot of controversy you stirred up here. I loved your article yesterday, and I still love it today. And I am one of those mums who has lost a child.
When I had my first child, we knew he would be born with hypoplastic left heart syndrome, and might not live. The absolutely most joyous moment of my life was when he was well enough to come home, and we brought our own precious child to our house. And yes, I treasured every moment, being awake at night, being sleep deprived, having my little finger sucked for hours on end …. it was all such a delight and a joy.
And then he died.
And I swore that, if I was ever lucky enough to have any more children, I would treasure every moment, every bleary-eyed, frustrating, tiring moment.
12 years and 2 daughters later, I agree wholeheartedly with your blogpost. I am not the patient mum I wanted to be, I do not enjoy every moment, I love it when they go to bed, or school. I am a major *introvert* and I neeeeeed time alone! But I still do my best to make them feel treasured, important, loved and adored.
All I mean is that experiencing the loss of a child is tragic and heart-breaking, and changes your perspective on all sorts of things, but the healing of the years and the grief returns things to ‘normal’ eventually in a way you can’t imagine when still in the midst of the grief. I miss my son still, I’d give anything to have him back, and I still ache when I remember what it felt like to hold him, but that doesn’t stop me being impatient or snappy with my children. I wish it did, but it doesn’t. And that doesn’t make me (or you) bad, just human. One of my daughters is ‘difficult’ and the other is ‘easy’ – the ‘difficult’ one makes parenting so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I still wouldn’t swap them for anything.
Thank you Glennon. I’m a newbie, but I love your writing and your perspective.
Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child and I ache for you. Thank you though for your honesty in saying that although you wish to treasure every second, it IS hard to, and you can’t always do that (especially when they are stomping their feet and demanding ice cream at bedtime). God bless you and your family. Tina. xo
I too have lost a child. My first child died from SIDS almost 4 years ago when she was 5 months old. I now have a 3 year old and a 20 month old. After my daughter died, I told myself that I would cherish every moment and live each day like it’s my last. And for a while I did…And then years went by and I learned to live with the grief better and soon started to experience the normal “mom” moments…kids screaming, whining, etc. Soon I started to lose my patience like everyone else. And I am having a hard time with it. I know that it could all vanish in a moment, but when my son is arching his back and kicking and screaming and I can’t get him in his car seat, I am not thinking that way. I am aggravated! It’s a constant struggle for me to realize that it’s ok to be exhausted or aggravated because it’s normal and I’m not a bad mom and I am doing the best that I can do.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have often thought that I don’t think parents who lose a child ever get over it. It’s nothing anyone should ever experience.
I too thank you for your honest response to this post. It was so real and refreshing. It makes me feel less guilty for things I have done and will undoubtedly do in the future, and realize that when I’m not perfect, that’s not substandard, that’s REAL.
I wish you success and as many Kairos moments as you can get with your daughters.
I’m so thankful for good friends who posted links to this post in droves the other day. What perfect timing for me. I have the joy of raising two very active and expressive children girls, who are 14mths apart. To say that I find some days hard is such a HUGE understatement, but your perspective about chronos/kairos was basically how I see my life everyday, and you articulated it in a way that was so beautiful. I shared on facebook and told everyone that I feel you are a kindred spirit, and it’s true, the more I read, the more I realize that there are so many moms like me out there. My mother in law made a comment during a conversation regarding my desire for more children that went something like this “You’re not going to have more children until you get a handle on the situation with K, right? I mean that makes sense” Which to me made NO SENSE because I was under the impression that I wasn’t having more children right now because something is out of whack with my fertility, and why is it anyone else’s business anyways, regardless of any situation I have with any of my kids, let’s add a burden to them for when they’re older, “I’m sorry, you have no more younger siblings because we were having an issue with your behavior and then when I had it under control, I was too old to conceive”. And then I read your blog and felt lifted and felt like maybe I’m not so crazy feeling like that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard a person say to me. So thank you for being a friend to those of us going through the hard and the easy stuff alike, it’s refreshing and inspiring. I’m here for the long haul that’s for sure, I might not agree with every post/opinion, but I know that at least one person on this planet “gets me”.
“That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.”
I love your post as a whole, but this part struck me most. The times when it is hard are the times when I need to TELL someone it is hard in order to get support. Not to be told that I’m doing something wrong, to be ‘fixed’, or to be judged (after all – I DID ask God for these five loud critters) but just to be encouraged!
Thx again for your perspective!
Andrea
Thanks for sharing this. I also have to thank my friend who posted it on Facebook. I’m always happy to see other moms who take the same path I do and TRY to enjoy the moments that are there (good and bad) and at the same time understand that parenting isn’t a perfect science. Recently, I had to deal with a stealing situation with my seven year old. That was fun. I even had suspected it when we were leaving WalMart that he HAD done something wrong, but I wanted to leave, it was busy as crazy in there and I was eager to get home. So I didn’t push. Hindsight and all that. I am hoping my four year old is old enough to remember her brother’s embarassment as I marched him to the car to take him to the Walmart to pay for the candy he stole. But honestly, looking back on it, I wouldn’t change it. I don’t like that he stole, but it was a lesson learned and hopefully, a good one for both of us.
My husband works away from home for anywhere from 1-3 weeks at a time and is home for only a week. It’s terribly difficult sometimes and I do my best, but I think I’ve done a pretty good job so far! I’ve had many moments in check out lines where I wanted to pull my hair out and run naked down the street, I’ve had many moments of utter frustration as I try to do my dishes and the baby is stealing them out of the dishwasher. But I’ve had more moments of happiness, contentment and joy in the past seven years that I thought possible.
Reading your blog made me laugh, made me tear up and made me happy. You’re a mom, like the rest of us, just trying to make it through the day. Some days are easy, some days are hard, but all days are worth it.
Now…I think I have to go rescue my living room from the tornado that is my 19 month old. But I love doing it. He gives me lots of ammunition for when he’s older and has a girlfriend over! (Kidding…what’s parenting without humour? Terribly boring.)
Thank you.
This is the first of your blog posts that I have read (a friend posted it on FB). You are my new favorite blogger and I can’t wait to read more. I laughed so hard while reading this that I cried and my husband thinks something is seriously wrong with me. We must be kindred spirits because you summed up my daily feelings better than I even understood them before reading this. I have a 2 1/2 year old, a 13 month old, am pregnant with a third, and know we’ll have a 4th in the next few years. My daily life is ridiculously hard and I enjoy too few moments. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to expand our family though. I simply pray that things get a *little* easier and to find a few more Kairos moments in each day. Thank you!!
[…] amazing blog post titled “Don’t Carpe Diem” just made my day. Here’s one of my favorite parts, where the blogger mama is referencing […]
Gotta ditto the last comment. Amen, sister. This is a fabulously written and right on post. Thank you.
I don’t think anyone could have said that any better. My grandma had 9 children and I know she had it way harder than I do and she still loves being a mom…I know I will feel the same when they are all grown up. I love that you wrote this because I completely agree with you! Thank you!
Beautifully written. I am a SAHM of a just-turned 2 year old son, Jackson. I feel blessed to be able to stay home and wouldn’t change it for the world, but it isn’t always easy and definitely doesn’t always feel rewarding – though I know at the end of the day, the reward is there and it’s all mine. As I was reading I was thinking, there is a difference between enjoying each and every moment while in the moment vs. thinking back to parenting in general and appreciating the fact that parenting was had. And then you nailed it! (Great minds think alike!?) I have never heard of chronos or kairos before but thank you for bringing it to my (our) attention. I love it. Brings new perspective on today, and for every day here on out. Cheers to kairos!
Thank you for this. A thousand times thank you. I love a lot of parenting moments, but not all of them. I don’t love wiping spilled coffee off the floor. I don’t love nursing in the middle of the night. I don’t love giving out spankings. But I love a lot of other parts. Thank you for letting me feel like that’s okay!
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective which indeed is the reality for those of us in the midst of the climb. You are such a talented writer and I feel blessed you could put my heart’s feelings into words. Thank you!
Thank-you so much. I have tears in my eyes as I write this – I am not the only one who feels like this. Also the fleeting nature of those kairos moments – I always thought there was something wrong with me that they never last very long. I think “The Waltons” have a lot to answer for!…..if only family life was that rosy. Thank-you and yay God for giving my sister this amazing gift and yay sister for using it and blessing us all.
Ha! My thoughts exactly. Right now my computer is on the blitz, with an assignment due yesterday, one child is screaming in her crib and the other is demanding food, lap time, reading time, food, sister, papa, poop and I know exactly how you feel. Thanks for sharing! And for making it easier for the rest of us to admit that we feel exactly the way you do.
I’ll be sure to remember this message next time I feel the urge to tell someone how quickly time flies by and to enjoy it. Sometimes a minute feels like an eternity when a child or children are being children, then you turn around and the years actually did fly by. This is from an older woman, a new nana and very proud moma.
I adore this post, and I think I adore you too.
This is one of the first posts I’ve read on here. Everything about it rang true for me, even though I’m a future-mom, not current-mom. I too hate being told to treasure every moment, “live like you were dying” and so forth. Really? Is every moment supposed to be that precious? Forgive me if I just can’t find the sunshine in washing my dishes, carting my dead Xmas tree to the curb or cleaning the bathroom counter Every. Single. Morning. after the bf shaves. But I’m sure happy when those things are done. And I have my Kairos moments too (I still have to find out what that word means, but I get the idea), and I’m so grateful for them.
You have a beautiful family, by the way. Just gorgeous.
As I read this there is a hurt that comes over me. I know raising three kids under 6 is hard. I know because I have been there. I do believe that we have to tell each other more that we are doing a good job. But what the writer doesn’t understand is as annoying as these moments are I would give ANYTHING to have one of them back. I would give anything to have my daughter back. I know she doesn’t want to be here because she is with our Lord. But when little old ladies tell you to enjoy the moment even though it is hard, frustrating, or annoying. They are not trying to put you down or make you feel guilty for not enjoying the moment. They want to impart just a little wisdome to savor your children. They know what it is like to live with the pain of loss. To live with this shard of glass in your heart. They are not making dispersions on you. They are letting you in just a little to let you know that they miss having their little children around. My boys are now 11 & 9, Alexandra would be 13. I was frustrated and counted the time to bedtime some nights. I didn’t always fully appreciate my children. I don’t always full appreciate them now. That is because we are human beings. But when a little old lady tells you “Enjoy them”. You can say I appreciate you. I am sure you enjoyed yours. I hope mine bring me as much joy as yours did for you. You can even be honest. Say it’s hard. Tell them you are tired. They understand. They are going through a lot of emotions at that time. They are hurting from the fact that their children aren’t little anymore. They are enjoying watching your children. They are reminiscing about their children. All at once. Take the time to kiss your kids good night. You may not have all the time you think you do with them. I am sorry to be the downer but I lost mine way too soon and I can’t wait until I get to see her again. But I love on my boys every single day. They even tell me that I tell them I love them “500” times a day! I am getting ready to start that Mt. Everest climb and I am scared. But you know what I am thankful for every single HARD day! I am thankful for teenage attitude, disrespectful tones that I correct, pimples, dirty laundry, a messy house, and homework that lasts forever. I am thankful for those things because it means I am still a mother! So yes be thankful but know YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB!!!
Dee,
Thank you for sharing this. I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you for taking the time to clarify what we “little old ladies” (or at least this one) mean when we say that to young mothers we see struggling. We are NOT implying that they are doing anything wrong; quite the contrary…we are trying to show support by saying “I’ve walked in your shoes…and it is all worth it.” My daughters are doing a fantastic job of raising their rambunctious young sons and I have the privilege of being the Grammy who can take the time to explain the line in a book that escapes one of them or re-read that preschoolers book for the fourth time. Oh, and to experience that soft chubby little hand in mine again…the one I’ve been missing since my girls grew up. The remark, as you point out, is more about what we “old ladies” are missing and not a negative comment on what you young mothers should/could be doing differently.
Love it when people misconstrue honesty for negativity! This post truly made my day. Thanks so much for so perfectly putting my thoughts and feelings into written words 🙂
Beautifully written. Sometimes parenting sucks, and it takes a wise and brave person to be able to admit it. Everyone who tells you to “savor every moment” has a selective memory. Thanks for sharing!
I don’t have a story or anything amazing about myself to reveal other than to say that I wasn’t looking for another blog to follow (after all, it’s just one more thing added to my daunting to do list!) but love always finds you when you least expect it, and your blog is love at first site for me! Can’t wait to catch up on it…
a friend of mine posted this and honestly i needed this today. thank you for writing with such honesty because no matter what moms say – we all feel this way and sometimes are too afraid to admit it. i love your kairos moments and will take that and run with it….
Wow. SO well written! Beautiful! Thank you for this, for giving a voice to the irrationality carpe diem and sweet little old ladies out there;)
I wish I could adequately convey how much this post spoke to me. Thank you for posting such honesty. I’ll be subscribing to your blog so I can read regularly.
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Awesome post! I often feel the exact same way and honestly have heard those self doubting thoughts in my head about having another kid. Thanks for the upbeat post, it made me giggle and left me with tears! I do love being a Mother and a Wife, in those Kairos moments and that’s enough for me!
This — exactly this! I skipped over the link the first time a friend posted it…but when a closer friend posted it again, and I kept seeing my friends recommending this link on Facebook, I clicked. I read, and I laughed, and I reached out with my heart to bond with every woman who felt this way and had the courage to say it too!
I’ve always been one to avoid sugar-coating the mommy-gig to my friends who contemplate having babies and who are prepping for babies. It was so much harder than I ever feared it would be when my son was born. But you know what? #2 is on the way, and yes, I’m 10x more frightened than I was before #1 was born, but I also know now the reward at the end of a day with at least one if not many Kairos moments.
Thank you for sharing! I will be back regularly 🙂
When my friend Angie Mizzell wrote a post about this post, I knew I’d love it before reading it. I was right. Thank you for reminding us to Carpe the Kairos. I’m going to remember it the next time my 19 month old is eating a crayon while my 4-year-old yells for me to wipe his bottom!
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I’m a 31 year old father of one beautiful, six year old boy who is speech impaired with apraxia. I was a stay home, full time Dad from his birth until almost three years while my wife worked, as she had a muuuch better income ability and we wanted one of us to raise our child, not day care. I had those panic moments, and those overwhelmed moments… Maybe it is because I am a guy, because I got good counsel from my mothers German best friend and former nanny (and mother of some very well grounded and productive adults), maybe because my Wife would always help when home from work if sometimes a but grumpily… And using Babywise as an assistive tool (not a manual)… But it seemed that once Conor developed and we developed a system, I had less OMG moments… And more positive ones. He was speech delayed, so he still at six is only learning to communicate, but was more than manageable, and is… For me. His Mom struggled because consistency is hard- it is hard to punish firmly,even when you feel sorry for them, and yet NEVER out of anger (I delay punishment when that is at issue). yet I cannot imagine my son going crazy regularly at a store… If he did , I would count. If he kept at it, I would tell him he would be punished severely. And because I am always consistent BUT quiet and not yelling, he’d know exactly what that meant. Very likely after punishment he would not do so again. But I always make sure he knowingly did it, he understands what he did wrong, and after punishing him I tell him “You made bad choices, but you aren’t a bad boy. I love you very much, and you’ve paid the price for your poor behavior: you won’t be punished again. Give me a hug to show you are sorry.” or, now I would have him say it his way. I’d not yell at him later, nor bring it up, nor let feeling I under punished him cause me to add on. I remember how much my Mom did right… But what she did wrong was inconstancy, and letting us off the hook only to yell at us again and again over days about the same thing, sometimes cursing. That was a far worse punishment. But with my son, the warm moments outweigh the hard ones. Right now,this moment, not just in the past. Perhaps it is because of just having one so far? But I do know what you mean.
Oh, and being the slow cashier sometimes… My apologies. 😉
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This is awesome. It is how I feel every day. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for writing it.
who are you????? that is the best article i’ve read since i became a parent almost 13 years ago. you are brilliant, and insightful and HONEST!!!!!!!! your writing is exemplary. you made me go through a whole range of emotions in the few minutes it took me to read your article. thank you for the laughs, AND the tears. “i am with ya, sista!!!!”
Thank you so much for writing this wonderful and eloquent post. I’m a first time Mom (son is 4 months) and this post brings to life all the feelings I have…the panic, love, pride, worry, thankfulness and exhaustion that I face every day. Hugs and Blessings to you!
First time on your blog. I loved every part of it and can relate to so much. But I particularity LOVED LOVED LOVED the part that “Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.” I just sat here and bawled because I love the Kairos time. I never thought of it that way, but it is so true. Thank you for your honesty and speaking from your heart. It really touched my heart today.
Nothing that I have ever read made so much sense to me before. Your post has made its way through Facebook (can’t tell you how many friends of mine have reposted it). Now I am a devoted reader of your blog. Thank you for sharing your life with the world. Warriors unite!
Amen!!!!!! Thank you for keeping it real!!!
G and a few other responders,
I dunno, I just think you are taking what these little ole ladies are saying to you a little too literally. I think these little ole ladies are not encouraging us to seize, savor and feel pleasure out of every minute with our children, that would be insane, plus unrealistic. It is embarrassing when our kids pee in the isles, or poop on the back of the play ground shed wall (yes, on… I’m still not sure how this happened). I think these little ole ladies have experienced what is past this age group, they have survived the crazy teen years and watched their children become adults. G, I think they are encouraging you to find the humor or joy in your children, in child-like behavior. To reflect on your day and not see it as a “mommy fail” but something to tuck away, cause our kids will not unashamedly sing in the isles, hug and kiss or smile at us like this again in their lives. My little dude is 5, and yesterday he was walking around the house eating chips (we never eat chips btw, but judge if you must) and I got a flash of the future. 20 minutes later he begged me to come watch him do some “moves” on his new bunk bed. I think this is what the ladies mean. I sacrifice one minute to enjoy my son’s childhood.
The sadder version of this story is true. Somewhere a mommy is saying goodbye to her daughter, son, infant. I think it is a mistake to take these comments (and all are not welcome, lets face it, I’m never really in favor of talking to strangers) as to literally mean that is you are not having fun 24/7 you are doing something wrong. I think the shocking part is the assumption that you should be having this much fun, or that many of you mommies feel this pressure. Most of our days involve “carpe”ing our kids “diem” in they behave a certain way. Parenting equals behavior training, and most of that is not fun.
I think we just need to keep in mind that the peeing and the dirty sucker licking (been there too girl) are going to be walks in the park in comparison to what is next in our kids lives. Laugh at the pee, get grossed out with the nasty sucker at the store and tell them so, show your kid some of your awesome moves. Pretty soon its going to be “the talk,” maxi pads, boys and girls and “where have you been?!” Even our sweet angels who do not remain with us long give us moms something to “treasure in our hearts.” I think this is what the little ole ladies are getting at. The treasure of childhood.
I mean laugh at the pee by yourself, later, not at them while they are doing it… Hopefully you all get that… 🙂
Crying in my kitchen with the baby on my hip and three LO running around and around, readying to kill each other. Thank you. Thank you.
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There must be a reason why registering is so difficult for me: seems any username/password combo I was sent from Word Press will not work to log me into the forum.
Regardless, I appreciate your candor and courage.
My mom, and sisters and I have really enjoyed the reads.
Truly,
Erin
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Oh my. Its like you climbed inside my head and wrote down my thoughts. The thoughts that take courage to admit, and you did it in a beautiful way. Thanks so much for making me realize that I’m not alone in feeling this way. This post was funny and touching, and encouraging all at the same time. Thank you.
Amazing and 100 percent true. Thank you for writting what we are all thinking.
You hit it square on the head! I enjoyed that I parented my 21 and 19 year old (still am actually). I am enjoying, mostly, parently my 4 year old, but yes it is hard and I don’t cherish every moment. I cherish many. I look back and cherish the good ones. the great ones. I am sad and sorry over many. I don’t want all the years back, just the great moments. (That is why I agreed to do it the thitd time – knowing there are some really great moments)
Thank you for putting into words the way it is.
This piece was PERFECT and made me cry a little. Thanks for the reminder. Those rare but wonderful moments are what it’s all about.
P.S. The part about “Carry on, warrior” is especially true. I had a moment like that at the grocery store one day when my now 4-year-old was two and my 2-year old was just weeks old. The older one was little and having a full on tantrum. I tried everything in my bag of tricks and ultimately put her in time out, right there on the floor of the lettuce aisle. An older woman stopped and pointed out the cookie section nearby. I gritted my teeth and thanked her. Then, later, another woman stopped me near the milk. She put her hand on my shoulder and said, “I’ve been there. It’s tough, isn’t it? You’re doing a great job.” I remember breaking down in tears and just hugging her, that perfect stranger. So, all you mamas (and papas) out there, you’re doing a great job. “Carry on, warrior.”
THank you for this post! I am a mom who works full time. I have a son who will be 3 soon, 6 month old twin boys and another boy on the way in June (surprise!). I’ve been struggling with this for awhile now and you hit it right on the head. Thank you for helping me realize that I’m not the only mom who feels this way. I work full time, so my time with my boys is precious but tryng sometimes. (the terrible twos and teething twins are not for the faint of heart 🙂 ). You’re entry was refreshing and uplifting and brought me to tears. Thank you!
First time on your blog. Brutiful. Why didn’t I ever come up with that?!! So PERFECTLY fits daily life on planet earth!! Love your writing, wit and blatant transparency. Sounds like me. I’ll be back for more Monkeedom. ; )
I can identify with many of the feelings that the author has, having been at the receiving end of those “enjoy every minute” type of comments.
Over time, I have come to think that those wise old ladies are saying something quite different. I think they are saying that childhood passes way too quickly; and that we as moms need to chill out and don’t sweat the small stuff. Even those not so great moments, will give you fodder for tons of laughter and life lessons later on.
I get the spirit of what Glennon saying–Yes, parenting is super tough. Yes, there are moments when it sucks, plain and simple. There are times we need breaks from our LOs. And I did enjoy her line about the kid peeing in the corner. The point is well taken that we can’t enjoy EVERY moment. Sure.
BUT..and this is a big BUT. What frankly angers me about this post is the self-congratulatory tone…and the self-congratulatory tone of its many shares on facebook and comments above. I find parenting tough. There are moments when I am less present than I would like to be. Sometimes I want a break. But parenting is something that literally billion of people do every day…and have done before us. We are lucky enough to be doing it in a place and time where many of our children survive to adulthood.
I am sorry, but parenting here and now it is not generally anything akin to climbing Mt Everest. I say generally, because I know mothers who are Mt Everest climbers. Their children have diagnoses that include the word terminal. And these mothers–and other mothers with special children–are, in my experience and generally speaking, some of the least likely to be patting themselves on the back at their “job well done…or at least done.” They are the least likely to be complaining about how little me or couple time they get. They are the least likely to “need” a vacation, a break, a day at the spa.
In general I try very hard to be easy going about this stuff. Although I have a daughter who has just barely survived to one year old, I listen to mothers of typically developing healthy children talk about their challenges…and I do not begrudge them their challenges. Heck, I want to know about these challenges–I’m honestly curious. Parenting is hard even in the best of circumstances. There is something soothing to me about that. Generally I sit quietly and think about how much worse things could be…how blessed I that I don’t have to climb Mt Everest every day..how much I hope my everest climbing days are behind us. Because I am blessed–and hearing the words “infant crash cart” in regards to your child has a tendency to remind you of that. I don’t expect many other parents to understand this. That’s fine. But, honestly, the overwhelming back-patting on this–again, not so much the post itself, but in the “amens” that accompany it–just tossed me over the edge…it is offensive to all those parents out there who walk through the unspeakable alongside their children every day with grace and joy.
Hi Hillary,
I walk your walk. Our Son spent the first 6 months of his life in the hospital, we’ve seen the crash cart many times. he came home and went back several times, he stopped breathing in my arms and I had to do cpr until the medics finally came. It’s a different walk, our troubles are different troubles. Everybody has a different path and different tests. I truly believe that God gives you what you can handle. I think when your child is sick, you have to rise to the occasion. I felt like a failure as a mother when Noah was sick. It was my war, with myself, with God, with life. I feel like I have emerged victorious, even though things are far perfect. I do treasure my son more, I do find even the smallest things he does make me smile and makes my heart happy. I don’t sweat the small stuff(maybe to the other end of the spectrum)
I will say this, the biggest thing I learned is ‘if you live in a glass house, don’t throw stones.’ I don’t know what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes. I can imagine that being a recovering alcoholic is a daily struggle and that every day might feel like climbing mount everest, forget the 3 kids, cleaning, laundry etc. But I don’t know, it is not my walk. I used to find myself resenting other peoples seemingly trivial problems, but I recently found out one of the “most perfect” moms I know, was horribly depressed, addicted to prescription meds and tried to commit suicide. I don’t want to be judged as a mother and I try not to do the same. I do understand your frustration, I really do, but her everest is not your everest.
Hi Sara,
Your point is absolutely well taken. I don’t mean to judge. I didn’t mean my comment as “throwing stones” but rather as a point about putting parenting in perspective. Since my day-to-day parenting is looking increasingly “typical” (aside from the feeding-tube struggles and when my daughter periodically stops breathing and turns blue), I feel as though I have a foot in each of these worlds. Glennon’s worries are similar to many of my friends..and increasingly some of my own. However, weeks in the ICU have shown me that even my own struggles–which often seemed Earth-shattering–paled in comparison to some of the parents around me. Two of my friends have lost children in the last few months. I watched everyday as a family sat at the bed-side of their 2 year old who was slowly fading away due to brain cancer. A baby of the same age and size of my girl who came into PICU looking much like my daughter did was not as lucky or as strong as my girl…she died across the hall from us just as my daughter was finally breathing on her own again. I listened to her family cry all night.
These experiences have blessed me with the knowledge of the impossible and the perspective of the unspeakable. I wish that no parents had to know what we know the way we know it…but that knowledge is powerful. And if I hadn’t experienced or watched others experience these things, I would want to know–I would want the perspective. I mean to pass along some of that perspective that is not bought at such a high price.
In some ways having a special child makes some of this stuff easier. I get more of these kairos moments…out of necessity. My daughter turns 1 this week and it is a complete and utter miracle. I watch her breathe everyday and think about that miracle. Now that she finally holds up her own head I see the amazing effort the body I feel constantly in awe of her joy and her strength…she and I are at war, but we are at war joyfully.
I look forward to putting those difficult days behind me…although I am not sure that they are behind us. I hope they are. I don’t want to be an Everest Climber. But I will cling to those lessons as I watch my daughter grow and slowly slowly slowly reach her milestones. Many of my friends will not be so lucky. I hope that someday I will be annoyed by my daughter acting like a 4 year-old, a 7 year-old and a 18 year-old. I should be so lucky. And I also hope that I will take a deep breath and think of those who can’t be annoyed by this.
I think you were expressing a genuine feeling, I get it and I actually agree with you more than the author. I commend your strength and perseverance. It takes 200% of you to care for a sick child, there is no autopilot and you have to work hard for the milestones that others don’t even notice. My son has a gtube also, its another layer. I hope I didn’t make you feel bad, that wasn’t my intention. I just always feel judged as a mother of a special needs child and I feel like we should not be judging other mothers who seem to be trying their best.
Thank you for putting it all into a different perspective. “Candor and Courage and Carpe Diem” are within the eye of the beholder/beholden: her post serves to tread not or judge not anyone else’s journey as a mother, or wife. It is a chronicle of hers only. We can as an audience: take what we want from it; learn what we want from it; curse what we will in it; and choose to disregard it if we want. Her journey is hers and it may be similar to some, or irrelevant to others. Her posts are not to incite nor invite judgment, but suggest contemplation– and I’ll accept that, regardless of how similar/dissimilar our lives are.
You have said it better than anyone could, I think.
This morning I woke up just before my children!-Congratulations Erin!
I made breakfast for four children!-Congratulations Erin!
I dropped off two completely dressed kids (I even did the seven year old’s hair!) at school (early!) on their first day back from Christmas break!-Congratulations Erin!
I (with the “help” of a three year old and a one year old) organized my newly moved sewing station…I can now see the top of my dresser again!-Congratulations Erin!
I successfully put a one year old down for a nap within the it’s-time-to-nap-window…there was no argument from the one year old!-Congratulations Erin!
I helped the three year old dress herself and then I did her hair!-Congratulations Erin!
I did tan-grams with the three year old-Congratulations Erin!
I made lunch!-Congratulations Erin!
I was able to eat my lunch while it was still warm!-Congratulations Erin!
The three year old went down for a nap without an argument!-Congratulations Erin!
Every parent should congratulate themselves for what they do whether their child is healthy, dyslexic, ADHD, mentally challenged, physically handicapped, chronically ill, terminally ill, etc.
I congratulate myself not because I do it better than anyone else or differently than anyone else or because I do more than anyone else, but because I am doing it the best way that I can.
Congratulations! to every parent out there, you are doing a fabulous job.
Thank you!! Thank you for sharing this. It is beautiful, thoughtful, and so very, very true. I have four children, as well, and one on the way. The older people always smile when they see our large family….younger ones, well, they don’t always get it. I love being a parent, but do not enjoy every single moment…..but when I lay down at night, I am thankful for being so blessed. Thanks, again!
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Absolutely brilliant! Your writing is incredible. You’ve captured so well the idea of living and enjoying it while being realistic about it all.
Absolutely LOVED this. Never thought of it so succinctly but you’re darn RIGHT girl! I just wish I’d read this when my kids were a little bit smaller… because I always felt so guilty for NOT seizing the every day moments and lapping them up like they were treasures… they were HARD!
I WILL love having parented. I just know it.
Thanks for this.
This is perfect. For one thing, raising children is a THE hardest job and anyone who says that they embrace and love Every Single Moment is a lying, sanctimonious whatever. You don’t love anything you do every day. Period. And secondly, don’t let the people who say, “but I would love to change places with you because I can’t have children or I lost one” make you feel like an ungrateful a-hole. One person’s devastating sadness cannot cancel out your daily frustration. Ever. That is invalidating someone else’s feelings, and it’s never okay. You are always allowed to feel how you feel and no one can tell you that those feelings are wrong.
Wow!!!!! I teared a little…… so totaly agree! Just had one of those weekends and this was totaly what I needed to read!
My friend forwarded me your post. I read it all the way through and identified with almost every aspect. As someone who wanted to post on my facebook status, “If one more person tells me to enjoy every second, I am going to punch them in the face,” I get it. Thank you for putting it more eloquently.
Wow. My girlfriend (mother of 2) and I (mother of 2 under 2) were out for our weekly Saturday run this weekend (our only brief escape from the kids) and were talking about this exact feeling! Guilt about not “savoring the moment” but instead watching the clock every night starting at 5pm and counting the slow seconds until bedtime. She sent me this blog saying — this is EXACTLY what we are talking about. From the number of replys, it seems like we are not alone. Thanks for making us feel better! It is a hard job. Your take on it was refreshing!
AMEN sista!!!!
Glennon, thank you so much for these honestly encouraging words, never have I heard it put this way. I really needed to read this. I love my children with all my heart and thank God for them every day especially when they are sleeping peacefully in their beds 😉
Girl, I could hug you right now!
God Bless You and Yours
Love this. Thank you for putting it out there.
Your family is absolutely stunning!
On October 26 my world was shattered when my son who was two days past his due date was stillborn without explanation. I don’t for one minute pretend to know the struggles that a mom deals with on a day-to-day basis but I do know that without hesitation I would trade places and and enjoy the difficulties of shopping with my children at Target. Perhaps you are hearing people remind you of this “every time you are out with your kids” because you are clearly displaying a lack of understanding for how fragile your children’s lives are.
And no, you can’t compare your motherhood struggles to that of your husbands work struggles. If you come into a large sum of money I highly doubt that he will continue at his job. But you will continue being a mother…I hope. It is not a job that you get to retire from….because it is part of who you are.
Finally, as someone who has had an opportunity to climb a mountain I did enjoy many moments of the climb before I reached the summit. In fact the climb up left me with some of my favorite memories. There was a beautiful, pristine lake far beneath the tree line. It was so peaceful and serene. As we continue climbing and emerged from the treeline we found ourselves in a field of stunning wildflowers. It was a sea of pinks and blues and yellows. As we neared the top we passed some climbers on their way down. And yes, they were cheering us on and giving us advice on the best route to reach the top. We applauded them for their climb. Reaching the summit was just the cherry on top of an awesome experience.
As a person who feels like she lost her legs and is reading the words of a person who gets to climb as many mountains as she wants, it frustrates me to hear that you are forgetting to experience the wildflowers.
Did you read the entire post? I feel like you kinda missed the point…
Jen Sickmiller – So sorry for your loss. I personally, cannot even attempt to understand how much pain losing your son caused. I have to comment that you are being way too hard on Glennon. It is too bad you don’t see that G is having a different experience than you. No two are the same, each have their own highs/lows. Let others have their lows and please don’t try to compare lives with someone. There is a reason God says he will only give people what they can handle. Because all people are different – and only God sees the inside of our hearts, souls, minds. Let’s not judge someone for being honest about a feeling that is a response to a life or an experience so very different from our own.
I also feel the need to add, I know many mothers who have lost children, and are still raising children. They still struggle through many parenting moments. They still get frustrated and tired and exasperated at the day to day parenting life. They fully know what losing a child feels like and still have bad days. Parenting isn’t easy. And our love for our children isn’t negated because of a bad day. Not all children are easy compliant children either. I’ve dealt with many a mom who had all sorts of parenting advice and chastisement for me until they had a difficult child of their own….then they usually apologize and ask for advice as I’m raising three very spirited children. To think they your very different experiences give you insight into another’s and to accurately judge their attitudes based on your experiences, not theirs isn’t possible. I don’t think I could handle losing a child and I grieve deeply with all mothers who do, but that doesn’t mean that raising children magically becomes easy.
I disagree with you here. As a Mother who has lost 3 babies, has 2 under 2 and 1 on the way I still disagree. I enjoy every moment. I look at my children regardless of the tantrum or the scene they may be causing and choose to focus on the fact that these are MY BABIES what a blessing it is to be their Mother. We are not guaranteed any moment beyond the one we are presently in. If we do not attempt to see the best in the tough times we are experiencing and be content and enjoy it what will we be teaching our children?
My heart breaks for you, Jen. I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could wrap my arms around you in comfort, if only to help, even if only a little.
And I wholeheartedly support everything you’ve said here.
I agree with Sheena. I am a mom who has 2 demanding children, and between the two, I had a stillborn. I am glad every day that my youngest is alive and well, but she has also been extremely hard on me. The battle of grief and the battle of parenting a difficult child are completely separate, and one does not alleviate the hardship of the other. I am very sorry for your loss. I still miss my baby in heaven so much!!
I am so sorry for your loss. Though I have friends who have lost children, I’ve not experienced it myself, and won’t pretend that I can understand your pain. I can’t. But still, I am so very very sorry. I pray for you that you will find comfort in your family, friends, and in God. He is near to the brokenhearted.
This made me cry with relief! Thank you, this was just what I needed today and everyday.
Thank you thank you for this WONDERFUL post! It spoke truth to me today. I love when women can be honest about life it is so refreshing!
I’m just visiting your blog for the first time and I want to say Thank you! Thank you for being so honest. I have three boys, 7,6, and 7months – and I feel the same way sometimes – like I can’t wait for them to be asleep or until the day they will go upstairs by themselves. And I love your explanation of Kairos – I went on a Kairos retreat when I was in college and I loved it but I didn’t really take much away at the time. I love how God will use things from your past to speak to you today. Because I have Kairos moments and I have guilt and I have love for all my children and it’s ok 🙂 Thank you!
In defense of all us Grandmas that say enjoy the moment for it goes so fast, we remember just those moments that you so beautifully described and only remember the feathers in the hair if it brought a chuckle at the time. Parenting is hard and not always done correctly, as our children remind us all the time. But in those hectic days remember to tuck away a few minutes of wonder often because it is like a bank account when you get older.
I love being a Grandma because I can watch the grandchildren and gather up the memories without the “work” getting in the way.
One more thing I like to say to grown children. We did our best as parents, if it wasn’t good enough, I hope you do better because having your child say you failed as a parent cuts out all those good memories one by one.
“Having your child say you failed as a parent…” That made my heart hurt. I don’t know if your kids have said that to you, but, as a parent now of three who I love more than life, but who rock my world, I better understand no mother is perfect and no family either. We all do the best we can with the resources and understanding we have at that moment. My years as a mother with be filled with successes and plenty of failures, but I love my kids. You loved yours. That’s the best a mother can do..love.
Thank you for being honest. You spoke the words of my heart, and spoke them well. You made me feel “normal” instead of a failure. Carpe Kairos! 🙂
Yes. And, YES.
Thank you.
Right on, sister. Well put. Thanks for the accurate portrayal of the experience called “parenthood”, and some humor to help keep it in perspective.
Honesty is hard to come by in parenthood.
(PS. finishing up grocery shopping yesterday I was struggling to put groceries and child in car, wishing someone would offer to return my cart to the store far, far away. A mother and teenage daughter passed with a mere glance, then a father and teenage daughter. Next time I will ask for the help and see what happens. I wonder if in 10 years I’ll forget what it’s like, and ignore those new mothers, too, instead of offering to help.)
i stinkin love this blog entry…hits the heart and allows a chuckle along with it. truthful without being hurtful…good job!
Amen sister 🙂 I am forwarding a link to this post to all my mommy friends! My girls both had their cranky moments yesterday, but they also had their cute moments, and as we sat in the living room watching The Lion King for the first time with our 3 1/2 year old, my husband and I looked at each other and just grinned. It was Kairos, to make up for a day with lots of Chronos moments 🙂
That’s funny – my 5 year old had a meltdown this weekend because she wanted to watch Muppet Treasure Island and the 3 other kids (my 8 year old and two friends) had decided on Lion King 1 and 1/2. My wife and I were then subjected to hearing (loudly) how BORING the Lion King is and how STUPID the Lion King is. Definitely NOT Kairos, but had one this morning with her – singing Life’s a Happy Song from the new Muppet movie together while getting ready for school. 🙂
So Good. thank you.
This is refreshing. I’m about to have my 6th child in 9 years. My husband too is a software salesman who travels 50%. There are many, many days when not one goes by that I don’t cry from frustration and exhaustion. Does anyone else’s mind become numb to the point that they can’t answer simple questions from their kids or husband?
About 6 years ago (when I had our 3rd kid in 3 years) a grandmother came up to me and totally appreciated what I was going through. She said, I had 6 within 4 years. 2 sets of twins. She said she went in the shower every night and cried. But now she was a very calm grandmother. I think of her often when people say, “it goes by fast and enjoy every moment”.
Thank you to your contribution to all us moms.
Only one person has corrected your reference to a “famous writer”? That famous writer’s quotation is easily searchable, and it is credited to Dorothy Parker.
Please correct this — since too often we assume powerful words are invented and “owned” by men.
Otherwise a really important post. No mother loves every moment, which makes it very isolating when they feel the pressure to PRETEND they do. (And yes, I think this issue is specific to gender….it is culturally acceptable for fathers to be silly-funny-grumpy about their doubts in navigating parenthood.
[…] since reading this post about admitting that we don’t enjoy every second of being a parent, I have thought many times […]
Heather sent me to you. Here’s my comment to you thru her blog (and read this knowing I am old): that was a great blog you sent me to. I hope she gets to tell someone what she hopes to when she’s old. parenting is not to be enjoyed until you are out of that stage. then again, I have to say, when are parents ever really out of it? I often say I wonder why God didn’t make us more like the animals. The kids turn 18 and we send them out the door, never to worry about their lives again, never to wonder what mess they might be making for themselves and not know it, never to care.
Sadly, we are not animals. We care and fret and worry. and so I don’t think parenting ever gets to the point that we enjoy every minute of it. Does God? Every moment?
I don’t know … whenever I leave the house, I get told that I am crazy, a sucker for punishment, asked if my kids are all mine, if I own a TV, random kids are told to come and join us by their parents (because apparently we have so many kids, we wouldn’t notice) and people generally stare and comment (because four small children is so unusual apparently). It isn’t a reflection on their behaviour either – I get comments no matter what sort of day I am having. I find the people that tell me to treasure it a welcome relief from the constant negativity which gets to me after a while. Even though I know what people say is more a reflection of themselves than of me, it’s exhausting to hear it constantly. I think people forget when they make negative remarks, my kids can hear them. I much prefer the positive and uplifting ones.
[…] A recent blog post I read proclaimed “DON’T Carpe Diem!” […]
Hi… a friend suggested this read and while I read it I found myself disagreeing at every step. Eg the Mt Everst bit… those who climd it train for more then a year… very hard grueling training and on their way up they do not reflect on how hard the activity is but how good they are at accomplishing the task. They are happy to have a mind and body trained enough to actually do and yes, the Three individuals who I know have gone up to the second base have enjoyed every moment of it. Even moments when they felt like this would be the last time they breathe. The have returned stronger and happier then ever.
Now with parenting.. yes it is tough job… not a moment of it is easy but I have enjoyed every moment of it so far. I have two daughters 15 and 11… and they have given me joy … as your would call it Kairo moments only. Maybe it could be because they were spaced apart well.. almost 4 yrs apart! Perhaps because I had extra help or because the girls were generally well behaved little girls… don’t know! But even now at this time with the girls one a teen and one pre-teen I find joy in dealing with their daily growing up issues… I love to share my life with them as a friend more then just a mother now. I hope things will become easier for you as the kids grow up a little more. I guess I’m just a ‘carpe diem’ kind of person! Thanks for sharing your exprs!
Best 🙂 S Walia
I have never felt compelled to comment on any blog before. All I really have to say is here, here and well done. FANTASTIC article.
absolutely LOVED this post – thanks so much for sharing it!
You’re brilliant. I don’t even have kids but I so enjoyed your post and I know that all my friends with kids will really appreciate what you have to say. There are so many things that i want to have already done!! Now I know the meaning of kairos which is the name of a friend’s sailboat. Sail on girl. You are obviously doing something right.
I’ve never responded to a blog in my life, but this one really hit home. I am a mother of 3 girls within 3 years of each other. My life revolves around them and I am happy to have that responsibilty. I cannot imagine my life any different and I really do try to enjoy myself. I have a good friend who lost her child at 2 months and has changed my perspective a bit. I play on the floor with my kids, I let the housework go, I bring them on playdates and to the library for story time. These little people are my life. I am so happy to have 3 little ladies who are happy and healthy and wonderful.
But, I’m also a realist. These days are so long and so hard. My husband works 2 jobs to support us and there are 4 day streches where we don’t see each other. I skip out the door to go to work because it is so much easier than being home. 20 hours a week that I get to talk to adults! Amazing! Her best moment is when the kids go to bed. Mine is when they wake up. Everyone is happy, well rested and contented. Looking at their faces in the morning is the highlight of my day. When they go to bed is the second best part. I get to pour myself a drink, watch tv and do the laundry. RELAX!
The in-between is the hardest. Go to ice skating, to the gym, do crafts, bake, make lunch, make dinner, bath, poop, poop smeared all over the wall, etc.
I do it all happily as I CHOSE this. This is my life and I love it. I believe that it is the hardest work to do.
My mom came from out of state to visit and told me that she’s never seen anyone work so hard. I agree, I’ve never worked so hard in my life and loved it as much as I do. It is hard, I have cried, I have thanked God for my 3 beautiful blessings.
I am haggered, I am tired, I am all about my babies. But this woman (and I) don’t see joy in each and every moment and that is what she’s trying to say. I love that she is honest. Even if I don’t agree with every word, I agree with most of it and understand.
you are seriously awesome! Thank you so much for you writting! It is perfectly put!
WOW!! Such a great post that i really NEEDED to read! Thank you so much!!
perfect. post.