Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
Join Glennon on Facebook, Twitter, & Instagram
2,618 Comments
[…] February I will be back to regular posts. (Maybe sooner) Until then I’ll leave you with a link to blog post I read last week that I liked. I hope you enjoy it. Advertisement GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", […]
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for putting words to my life. Your blog brought tears to my eyes – someone out there gets it! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
What else can be said? Oh wait…….
AMEN SISTER!!!!
I love my 4 kids, but sometimes you just want to tell those well meaning people to stuff a sock in it!
I love your humor and you view of ‘real’ life!
This was just perfect. Thank you.
think she meant to say…. I wish I enjoyed every moment because it went by so fast!
I finally found the joys of motherhood I kept waiting and waiting and it finally happened it was when each of my grandkids were born.
I remember saying when I saw my first grandson “OH, so this is the joy of motherhood”
I always say.. wish I had my grandkids first.. I would have been so much nicer to my kids.
LOL enjoy
Oh my gosh,I totally needed to hear exactly all of this today!!!! Thank you for an amazing post.
*NOT screw it up!! UGH!! sorry
You said it all perfectly, hon!
I am mother to 3 young girls (2, 6, 10). I love my kids with all my heart. They are my life. I love being there mom. I enjoy dancing and singing with them. I enjoy the talks and snuggles and movie nights. I enjoy cooking together and family game night. I enjoy answering their questions and watching them when they think no one is looking.
But that doesn’t mean I enjoy the fights. Or the days when I’m sick, and have been up all night, and have to deal with a 2 yr old who just picked today to assert her Independence by refusing to potty train OR use her diaper, and use the stools in the kitchen to climb into the pantry and get into everything she shouldn’t while I took 3 minutes to actually lock the door when I went pee this time.
Parenting is hard. It’s not easy. If it was, EVERYONE would do it. And not everyone does. It’s those small, wonderful moments that make it worth it. We have good days and bad days. And yes, we look forward to bedtime most nights because we are just plain exhausted! But the fact that we try. We do our best. We love our kids, even in the moments when mommy takes a time out…
We smile at the ladies who tell us to Carpe Diem, because deep down, we know the meaning. We know they lived it too. And we do appreciate our kids and the time we have with them. Even if we want to pull our hair out at least half the time. lol We still love the fact that they are our kids. We are still amazed that some higher power thought we were able to do this and gave us them. Even though there are nights we cry and ask for strength and for help to screw it up.
Carpe any few minutes you can. Enjoy those moments that seem to stop time and tug at your heart. And when you have one little one throwing things in the cart, as the other is full fit mode, just remember… this too shall pass. And one day it may make for an embarrassing story for a date they have that you want to get rid of. lol
In all seriousness, this was very well said, hon. Thanks! I loved it! *hugs* Now “carpe” a glass of wine. You’ve earned it!
[…] week, I stumbled on the blog Momastery (it is a MUST-READ). She wrote about giving ourselves a break from the guilt of feeling like we […]
I USED to get those “cherish every moment” comments from the old lady crowd – when I only had 3 kids. Now that I have 5 I get google eyed looks of panic and shudders more often than not. The poet Ranier Rilke talks about the nurturing beauty of parenting and then says that with older women “there is a great remembering”. When other people see you with your kids they see themselves with theirs and reach back into time and enjoy it all over again. Give them their moment – they were once like you and for one single second you can share in the universal timelessness of motherhood.
Beautifully said, Jacquelyn!
whoever you are–I like you!
glennon, you and your family are beautiful. just beautiful.
this post really got me thinking and resonated with me, though i’m only 21. i don’t have kids, but i see this from the other side… my parents and i have a heck of a hard time getting along, and it makes it really hard for us to love each other sometimes, but i know deep down, we do. and people are always telling me to appreciate every moment with them, because i’ll miss every single little thing when i don’t live with them anymore. but there are things i KNOW i won’t miss… some things are really hard for us. but there are kairos moments… always… and now i will be all the more aware of them and feel better admitting the difficulties. glennon, you’re making friends all over the world with this post… you are changing people’s lives by making them feel less alone and by preventing them from feeling inadequate. that’s pretty amazing.
you’re a total inspiration, girl!
I am almost 62 and a mom of 7 ages 33 to 18…so I applaud your very transparent and yet thought provoking assesment of life with lots of giggles and chuckles because of the reality. I know I really appreciated my mom and her sense of humor that really helped us work things out along with a hugh amount of Kairos to make it through. It is WORK… happy work, sad work, mad work, funny work, hard work, easy work, loving work, frustrating work, and more work. Without God, it is useless fruitless, pointless, and futile work. I thank God for all of my children and yes they still manage to make me crazier yet still happier to have them…and no i did not always “love” them, but God is love and He has taught me how to love.
your family is beautiful. I loved your post…. and I can completely relate to everything you said. hang in there warrior woman!
I too am a mother of 6……yes, 6. 4 girls and, last but not least, twin boys. All in about 9 years. Shortly after the twins were born I decided to take them to the mall and try to get them out ……….cabin fever!. After getting them in the double stroller and making it into the mall, the twins decide it is time to nurse. I managed to get situated with the twins and to get the girls to understand that the Disney Store would still be there in 20 mins, when an older woman approached a very frustrated me. She rubbed my shoulder and said, “You know dear, God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” To which I replied………while smiling……..”God really over estimated me!”.
[…] a blog post, what she called “anti-Katja” (or anti-skimbaco) post written by Glennon of Momastery titled “2011 Lesson #2 : Don’t Carpe Diem”, and I agree, the entire thought of trying […]
so well put!!
Thank you for this post! This is so right-on. 🙂
THANK YOU. I cannot tell you how relieved I felt to read that someone else felt the same way about their kids. I love my three year old son so much it hurts sometimes, but also? Sometimes I’m just so glad he’s asleep for awhile and it’s quiet and there’s no chaos. 🙂 So thank you for letting me know I’m not alone in feeling the need to just endure through some days, that it’s ok to do that and still love him fiercely.
you are right on the money sweety, I raised four wonderful children myself and all through the trials of growing up, it is so precious to grab those special moments during the hectic day to day goings on and hold on to them as you go to sleep each night. I always counted myself blessed by my babies (they are all grown up now). It was always a wonderful feeling when they showed me that I was doing good by them when they showed that they had gotten the good things that I tried to teach them every day. I don’t know just what kairos are, but when my kids had those special moments, I would quietly mark an imaginary mark in the air and say “that;s one for me , I must be doing it right!”
Bless you and your family and may they give you many chances to fill your imaginary score boark of MOM successes.
Rose
It seems like you’re arguing semantics… and complaining because you don’t understand the meaning of ‘carpe diem’. I’ll use Wiki to break it down: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carpe_diem (I know it’s not scholarly, but will suffice in this instance). The original phrase is used to mean ‘do not get overwhelmed by the future – just relax and enjoy yourself THIS VERY SECOND’… not what you’re trying to make it mean (‘enjoy every single one of the next 86,400 seconds or else you’re and ungrateful POS) Given the original context, it is pretty much exactly like your mountain climber analogy of occasionally looking out to enjoy the breathtaking view. I agree with your ‘stop and smell the roses’ sentiment – I just don’t understand why you’re taking out your frustration on a phrase that doesn’t mean what you think it means…
Colin, she understands it – how it’s commonly used today, not what it originally meant – far better than you. Semantic physician, heal thyself.
Shut the f**k up.
The “phrase” wasn’t the point.
Thank you!!!! I have STRUGGLED with motherhood on a daily basis. I LOVE being a mom to my two monsters, but for the past 8+ months I have had a hard time just getting through the cracker-crumbs-all-over-the-newly-vacuumed-carpet, poop-ridden, 4-year-old-non-stop-questioning, lonely days! Thank you for helping me rid the guilt of not loving every second of being a mom to my beautiful boys but rather knowing my seconds of “my gosh they’re handsome and smart and a gift from God” are normal and good and OK. Thank you for knowing that all mom’s are human, and that we don’t all have perfect lives. Thank you for being honest, and not being ashamed to say so!
Four kids in 5 years, including twins (surprise!) and you hit the nail on the head! Love this! THANK YOU!!
Thank You thank you THANK YOU!! This post just made my 2012
[…] was describing how I feel on a daily basis. The article, posted on her blog Momastery, is titled 2011 Lesson #2: Don’t Carpe Diem. It is about how well-meaning older women often tell younger moms to “Enjoy every moment: This […]
My daughter sent me this post. After reading to the part where the lady in Target told you to ‘enjoy every minute’ I almost blew a gasket. I am a mother of 6. Yes, 6. And yes, thank you, I have lost it. I had to lose something in order to raise 4 children, and as the last one was moving out, take on the responsibility of a two year old and a 5 yr old. That being said, my response to that woman would have been…”Are you sure? Are you sure you didn’t have a nanny raising your children? Because I happen to know for a fact that if you truly raised your children you would know that it is impossible to enjoy every minute. Part of parenting is heartache.” I did not enjoy it when my oldest son, at age 5, flipped his bike and had to have stitches in his chin. I certainly did not enjoy it when the principle called me to tell me my second child was suspended. I absolutely did not enjoy it when my daughter was harassed and fondled by a boy on the bus, and the school would do NOTHING. I do not enjoy being told by a 14 yr old, that I shouldn’t try to take the place of a woman that walked out on him and hasn’t had the decency to even check on him for the 9 yrs I have raised him. The countless hours I spent in emergency rooms, and on the edge of a bed with an empty pot were not joyous occasions. Parenting is HARD. Parenting IS worth every excruciating moment. You have to have the hard times to know what the good times are. It’s life, not Eden. I applaud your tactfulness and patience with these people who judge you so rashly, and flippantly. You are obviously handling it with beautiful grace, and patience. You rock as a Mom, and as an author.
you rock! Thanks
You rock!
Preach it honey boo boo child. Preach. It.
I thught that I was the only one who wasn’t taking the time or maybe wasn’t parenting the right way since I don’t LOVE every moment and yearn for nap time for silence every once in a while. Thank you helping me to know that I am normal. Someone else posted that she will read this over and over again….me too. I think I am also going to post the word, “Kairos” on my fridge so I remember to take those moments throughout the day, especially during those Chronos moments of a toddler asking for a different drink just as I poured the fourth one. Thank you.
Very well done. A great reassurance for us moms, especially those who are too often too hard on ourselves. Thank you!
Thrilled! I am thrilled to see this post getting so much attention. Hard has been my mantra advice lately. Where have we gotten so sidetracked to believe that if parenting is hard we are failing? It’s hard! It’s so very very hard. Thank you for writing this. I appreciate your words. I recently wrote a blog about all the questions my 7 year old twins asked me in one 12 hour period. It’s flippin hilarious to readers but it’s exhausting being me. I’m tired. All. The. Time. Does that mean I’m not parenting well? I think not! Thanks again for sharing!
http://stephaniesikorski.blogspot.com/2012/01/inquisitive-minds-wanna-know-or-day-in.html
Such truth in this – thank you for reassuring all the moms out there that we are NOT alone! Carry on Warriors! There have been many moments that I have doubted myself as a mother…I still do. I think we will struggle with that forever. However, it is comforting to know that it is OKAY to feel down and out sometimes. God is GOOD
Thank you, thank you. You see, I have a sick baby. Her name is Anna and she has a 2 1/2 year old big brother who is well…2 1/2. She’s 13 weeks old and has spent more weeks in the hospital than at home. She’s been in the Operating Room 4 times in her short life and feeding her is the biggest struggle and heart ache I’ve ever experienced. The good news is that her condition is temporary. She will grow out of all this pain and be fine.
Right now, however, I’m not really enjoying these moments. Am I trying to enjoy her? Yes. Is it a struggle when she can’t breathe, can’t eat or has been intubated…again? Yep, there are more struggle days than happy “carpe diem” days. Honestly, I’m okay with that. God loves her more than I ever could and one day I will share my deep love for her when she can really receive it.
Hi Ellen,
your story touched my heart. We have a 16 month old. He spent the first 6 months of his life in the NICU, then went back 2x and has had over 10 surgeries. Its a war, not a battle to keep your sanity and your family afloat. I wanted to slap every one who told me to be strong, feel “blessed” or “lucky”. We spent nights not knowing if our son would have a future or what that would bring and we also have a 3 year old and I felt guilt about time away from her. Our son is better now, not totally, but he’s in a place where I feel like I can breath, that things are all right and we are home. Nothing is ever perfect, but you can have perfect moments. I always told myself, “today wasn’t our best day, but wars aren’t won in a day” I’m not a military person, but this has become my parenting manta. It got me through the hospital time and allowed me to take the few precious moments as a small victory: The first time I held my son in over 3 weeks, the first day off the ventilator and accept the times that he went back on, when he had a surgery or a set back.
I couldn’t love him the way I loved my daughter and I felt GUILTY, but I was too busy being his advocate, cheerleader and care manager. I gave that to God. But, I love him now in a way that I could never have imagined. It took for him to come home and stay home and get to be a mother to him for it to happen. I honestly questioned when and if it would happen, but it did. I look at him every day and want to squeeze him and smother him in kisses. This might sound unimaginable to parents of healthy kids and before I had Noah, I might have felt the same. However, I traveled that road and I felt alone in those feelings, so when I read your post I wanted to say something.
I don’t know if this helps or you want to slap me too and tell me to mind my own business, but I wanted to let you know. -Sara
[…] 2011 Lesson #2 : Don’t Carpe Diem » Momastery. Share this:FacebookTwitterEmailLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]
AMEN, Sister!
Beautiful! Beautiful, Beautiful!!
Thank you for the inspiring post, honest and real. It inspired me to write a post as well…
http://theminddoeswander.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/speaking-of-babies/
clearly you hit a nerve with a lot of moms, in a very good way. congrats on clearly spelling out what a lot of us feel when we are standing in the grocery store and the kids are pulling each other’s hair. 🙂
I love you.
I will read this post a million times. Please never delete it. You are my hero. This was beautiful.
[…] just read this post on parenting very young children, and I suddenly became aware that I am one of those people who […]
Thank you for this … for every handy tip I read in a parenting magazine there could be 10 other articles that make me feel completely incompetent and prompt the question “why the hell didn’t I think of that?” to run through my head on an annoying repeat.
Here’s my new word to put on repeat … “Kairos” 🙂
Here’s to you girls! I think that as an older lady I can assure you younger mom’s that sometimes the little old ladies in the check out lines want to focus the attention on themselves. They want you to feel how hard they have it! You can rest assured that they have regrets as well…. None of us can be happy as long as we want the attention focused on ourselves. Let’s all give it up and try to encourage each other on the climb no matter where we are on the mountain side!
I REALLY appreciate your perspective. Love parenting but acknowledge the reality. Thank you for this!
I was literally brought to tears by your writing here. I wasn’t quite sure at first where it was going at first, but I love where it ended up. I think there are so many people that feel just this same way, and you are so right that people are just too afraid to admit that they aren’t happy every minute. I have a lot of days when I am so sad when my son is ready for bed because I know how much I will miss him. I have some days when I do watch the clock until it’s time for bed also.
It’s clear that you are a wonderful mother, and you are living an honest life. Bravo!
I never post comments, but I had to because I totally agree. It always makes me feel worse when older, well-intentioned moms say this to me. Thank you.
I have never encountered your blog before but you just made me cry. I needed to hear this so bad! I do love my girls (3 and 4 mos) and i have felt guilty on a regular basis for not enjoying it as much as i was supposed to. At the same time, i would never change it. They are perfect. Thank you.
Such an interesting reading….so much going on here.
I think when you are a young parent, all you can pray for at times is to have the physical strength to get through the day…to make it until your little ones are tucked in for the night when you claim some time for yourself…when you can “reboot” to enable you to physically get through another day! Never underestimate how much you are appreciated by your parents…we were there…boy, were we there.
I think that sometimes people who make the kinds of comments referenced in this writing are bringing into play (of course!) the fact that what you might want to cherish about these days is your ability to comfort and somewhat control the outcome of the day. All of that is eventually lost. You cannot mend a broken heart…or provide a job when one is lost…or, much worse, bring back a child lost to an untimely illness, poor decisions or random acts of violence. So much is in your control…on a daily basis. Ah….perhaps at the heart of the controversy…the physical demands vs the emotional demands.
I hope you will forgive those who have lived long enough to know that “these” are the good old days. They mean no harm by their comments…they have just lived long enough to know what might lie ahead.
Savor Kairos moments…they have always been my favorite! But they are the gems God provides to make the Chronos moments bearable.
God’s blessing to all the young mothers and fathers bathing, reading stories to, and tucking in little ones tonight….especially to my prince of a grandson. God’s peace and strength to each of you to face another day. You have no idea the joy you bring to this world. It is, however, not without sacrifice. Bless you all.
Yes, yes, YES. 149 million times YES. I just wrote about this very thing. I nearly died during childbirth of my third and last baby, and I feel even *more* guilt now that I am not “enjoying it enough”, whatever the heck that really means! I have an elderly friend who tells me that she didn’t particularly enjoy the early early days and it makes me feel – well, validated. 🙂
Thank you for these truths!
[…] this is inspired by this blog post by Momastery, and since I am missing five keys and the space bar doesn’t always […]
Wow, I can so see both sides of this issue. Hmmm…. I do “carpe diem” a lot with my tots, both good and bad BUT not always. Not nearly always. Still trying to figure out if I’m being ungrateful (know women who can’t have children) or just human. I don’t know.
[…] 2011 Lesson #2: Don’t Carpe Diem […]
Thank you for your insight and honesty! I related to so much of this post, but had been feeling too guilty to even admit it to myself. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Wow girl. Looks like you’ve gotten a lot of feedback – but I’ll share with you anyway. From one who used to blog a lot, wear her heart on her sleeve, and in the recent years became a momma myself, I appreciate your blog. Makes me want to hang with you. 🙂 You’re doing awesome and if we’re not honest in how hard it is, we can’t appreciate the good stuff. The Kairos – times. Thanks for that. I’ll use that now, if you don’t mind. I’m going to adopt your mantra, and when we look up God certainly puts things in perspective so we can breath a little deeper and gain a little more join in those precious moments in our days.
You rock. Keep on keepin’ on. And I will too. Thanks again.
It’s true. It’s not days (diem) it is seasons. It’s a season of kids wetting the bed, or shaving the cat or… whatever. And then you’re into a season of teaching them to drive and college tuitions.
It’s all good. And it’s all grace!
Peace on ya.
very refreshing! Thank you!
thank u thank u! i SOOOO needed this…
Well, now I don’t know what to think. You aren’t wrong about parenting being a really hard job. You aren’t wrong in pointing out that every moment isn’t enjoyable. Some things are a real struggle. I do think what you missed is the spirit in which these older women said “enjoy every moment” to you. They were sad because their days of child-rearing were over. The kids were out of the nest, and suddenly they realized that maybe they should have looked for more Kairos moments and not sweated the Chronos moments as much.
I am in this group. I’m 52. I have 5 kids, now 14-26. I love my adult children, but I definitely wish I had spent just a few less hours complaining about how hard my day with the kids was, and a few more hours appreciating the wonder of their teeny little minds. I swear, when I was a 25-year-old mom and older women said that to me, I just shrugged it off. They were well-meaning, I knew, but they didn’t understand how hard I had it. NO–I was the one who didn’t understand that some day I would wish I had those days back. The ones where I had an infant to cuddle in my arms and soft baby hair to brush against my cheek. The ones where the kids screamed all afternoon, but then wanted to sit next to me and have me read them a story. The days of picture books and stumbling over those damned Legos. If I could go back in time and give my kids just a little bit more of myself today, I’d do it, and I would try to treasure it.
That’s all they’re saying. We older moms remember what a struggle it can be. We just don’t want you to let it all pass by you in a stream of “oh-God-can’t-I-just-get-5-minutes’-peace” moments.
I can completely empathize with what you are saying. Your response would have been mine almost exactly, word for word. I am one of those older Moms that say this to younger Moms. And my meaning is the same as yours. My children are adopted and came into my life not as infants. Therefore, my time with them as little ones went by even quicker. And, I really do think I enjoyed every moment, but because it does fly by you don’t realize any of this while you are in the moment. You only realize it after it has gone by and you reflect back on it. I too would take back those days in an instant. If only we could ♥
I find this interesting because, after parenting for 13 years, I don’t miss any stages once they are gone. I won’t pretend to be a perfect mommy, but I do the very best I can to treasure everything and not do anything I’ll regret, and then I move on and enjoy the new discoveries and progressions my kids make. I hope I won’t stop that when they are adults and spend my time regretting the past. You still have kids until the day you die, and they still need you, no matter how old they are. They might not be little and cute, but they are still humans who need their mommy to not be looking back and wishing they were something else. I have a mother who hated every minute of parenting after we were babies, and certainly can’t be bothered to parent an adult now. That is far worse than having a parent who got frustrated every once in a while when I was a kid.
There are lots of opportunities to still have contact with babies after your kids are grown, cuddling premies in the hospital, becoming a CASA volunteer for foster care children, or even, if you really want the whole experience again, becoming a foster or adoptive parent. If you have that desire, it’s all still there for the taking as there is never a shortage of kids in need, unfortunately.
I *completely* agree, Amy! We are foster parents as well and there have been no shortage of calls. I do believe that if the older generation loved it as much as they say they do, they’d be signing up for foster care!
My mom tends to tell me that raising four two years apart was “no big deal at all”. For SO long I have put myself to that standard, and yet we are TWO very different people and she also has the benefit of some years between now and the time we were little to have a bit of a “I can’t remember as much as I think I can” effect.
I LOVE the mountain-climbing analogy.
The reason this post is so popular is because so many women think it but haven’t been able to articulate it.
Mark my words: I will NEVER say “enjoy this time” to a young mother. NEVER EVER EVER. I will give her a sympathetic smile and tell her she can go ahead of me in line at Target, instead.
I think you missed the point of the post. She isn’t saying she doesn’t treasure her children or all her time with them, rather that when strangers (and friends) exhort “treasure EVERY moment” it creates a sense of guilt or worthlessness that we aren’t able to do that. It isn’t realistic to expect mothers or parents to love every single second of every single minute of every single hour of every single day. And, yet, when someone says to us “treasure EVERY moment” that’s the expectation that is set. It can make us feel as we are somehow lacking to not be able to do that.
[…] is the link: Don’t Carpe Diem I have bookmarked this and will return to it and re-read it often. And I will try to be a […]
That is so very true. If only we would quit trying to be perfect,love them and just do our best.
Those Kairos moments? That’s what people mean when they suggest that you don’t forget to “carpe diem” when you parent. At least that’s what I mean when I say that sort of thing to younger moms. The time does fly by so fast, and it is important to slow down, stop, take it all in once in a while. But mostly I tell moms of young children how fast it goes by as a way of encouraging them that “this too shall pass.”
And frankly, anyone who says she “enjoyed every single moment” of parenting her children is completely full of sh*&, and she’s lying, if only to herself. NO ONE enjoys every single moment of anything that involves their whole self from day to day. I defy anyone to stay that present and positive, day in and day out, no matter what they are engaged in.
Hang in there, and just remember that perfect is the enemy of good. It is sufficient to be a “good enough” mother.
Wonderful, wonderful post. I took it all at face value. I understand you’re not saying you hate having kids and you’re not even complaining about being a mom. You’re just being really honest about the fact that it’s hard to enjoy every single moment of every single day. Being a mom isn’t supposed to be easy and, frankly, I don’t think God expects us to enjoy every single moment. He wants us to learn from our mistakes, try harder the next time, nurture and nourish our children, and give them the best we have. Some days that’s better than others!
Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Ha ha. Thanks so much for this super awesome post! Rock on!
Well said! I am one of those little old ladies now, but I loved having my children and now my grandchildren. Still, I would never say it is or was EASY. It’s just worth it. I am glad to have a name/word for those beautiful moments of reward–kairos. It helps in tense chronos moments to be able to laugh. You know that. God bless you and yours.
Oh thank you! Thank you! I want to swipe those nostalgic smiles right off their faces sometimes. This was just what I needed. I have 3 boys under 6 and they are also a handful, to say the least. I love them with all of my heart, just not every second of every day. Those well meaning people make me feel like I should be looking adoringly at their cherub faces all day long. Unless, of course, they are looking down on me as the boys are running in all directions screaming throughout the store. Sigh.
Rock on, sistah.
Thank you for writing what I cannot!
Thank you so much for your insights!!! Parenting is hard work, and I too count the hours until my husband comes home or bed time. I also enjoy every quality moment with my children that I can. There’s good and bad, as with everything else. I think it’s so important to admit not every moment is Norman Rockwell. Looking forward to future posts!
I’m SO glad someone finally said that! I’m always so annoyed and then filled with guilt when someone says that to me (and it happens at least once a week!) Thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel as a mother of 2 under 5!! This article is a blessing! I will enjoy every Kairos second and not let the guilt overwhelm me!
What an impactful and practical message cfor all moms. I feel validated in my daily parenting struggles that are often further complicAted by lack of work/life balance and the economy causing daily layoffs @ my company. Your message is a blessing for me also today as I stop putting away Christmas decor and doing my 8th load of laundry to take a shower kiss ,my kids and heD out to my 3rd wAke in 3 wks for a 46 yr log women who was taken topspin. Thank you for your candor witten with such touching eloquence .
[…] Mom), but today’s was particularly difficult. I was starting to wonder if I could find that Kairos Moment today – that one that makes up for all the harder parts of being a parent. Just ten minutes […]
You know, it’s an interesting thing — when my kids were little I was so stressed and it was so hard to enjoy that time of my life and it was so hard to enjoy all of the really stressful parts of raising small children. But now that my kids are older, NOW is the time when I can say that carpe diem works for me totally. And NOW is the time I can enjoy being with small children — my dear grandchildren, who I can be with, take care of for a week or two at a time, and then hand them back to their parents. Their parents, my children, now have to worry about which schools are best for their kids, how to handle long-term issues and really decide which values to instill and which to spurn. I worked really, really, really hard at raising wonderful, good, spiritual human beings who work hard and give back to society and NOW, now that they are grown I can enjoy them totally. And now I can enjoy just “being” with little kiddies in the park or on a walk or wherever.
As you said, parenthood is really, really hard if you are doing it right. It’s supposed to be — all really important jobs are hard to do but rewarding. Your time to enjoy will come later, after the hard work has been mostly done and then you can enjoy your children’s children without all of the responsibility that goes along with raising them.
And I also think that a good part of the equation is that when we reach the age that our kids are not babies or toddlers anymore we also have grown into ourselves somewhat and have grown through a lot of the yuck that we have to grow through to reach our best selves. We have been working on ourselves as much as our children and we are able to calm down by our 40s and start to appreciate ourselves for who we are as well as appreciate our children for who they are.
I love this and have had the same thoughts many, many times. My favorite moms are the ones who stop me after mass and acknowledge that this is the hardest time of my life and things WILL get better. I’ve promised myself that this is the woman I will be…the one who holds doors open for moms with strollers, the one who lets the mom with the screaming kids go in front of me, the one who offers a helping hand. I keep a blog just to remind myself that when I say things like “the good old days” I will remember how very hard they were!
And I’m sure you will be that woman. I tell my daughter and daughter-in-law the same thing — it’s really hard now but it will pass — and my future daughters and sons in law will also hear the same thing.
From what I have seen, just assuring them of this fact, that it’s hard but gets easier over time, is what helps them to be able to be effective, sane parents who can have more enjoyable moments with their kids.
You can never go wrong with the truth.
Girlfriend, you hit the nail on the head.
As a mother of 3 teenagers I couldn’t agree with you more! So refreshing to read what the majority of mothers are truly feeling.
I totally needed to read this today! Thank you! 🙂
Thank you for affirming this!
I have no idea who you are. Someone emailed your post to me, but I have to tell you. You were my angel today. It was such a comfort to read your post and realize that maybe I am a good mom. Maybe it’s okay that I do have a smile pasted on my face every minute, and maybe it’s okay if I don’t enjoy every minute of every day. I am so glad that I am not alone. Thank you for being honest and saying what some of us didn’t know how to say. Thank you and God bless you and your adorable family.
I felt the same way. I still tear up every time I think of how much this post, by a woman I have never heard of before, has touched me and blessed me.
Totally a blessing to read, at such a time as this. I’m glad a friend emailed this to me. Carry on Warrior!
This post made me cry in a good way. I have terrible post partum depression and you have really hit the nail on the head with this post. I do love and adore my baby, but there are moments of chronos time when I just sit on the sofa and weep with how difficult it all is.
Elaine, I can’t not respond to your comment. I just want you to know you’re not alone! I’ve had extreme post partum depression with 2 of my 3 children, both times choosing to take medication for a time so that I could cope (yes, lots of people think I’m crazy for taking anti-depressants, but they just really don’t get how bad it can be). With my last child it was so bad that I didn’t even want to hold my baby. Everyone kept saying how gorgeous and wonderful he was. All I could think was that I would hold him long enough to nurse him, but that’s all I could handle. I felt like the world’s worst mom (and wife, for that matter, I know it had to have made my husband feel so sad to have me feel that way about my baby). Being a mother is the absolute hardest job in the world! There are wonderful moments, but they are spread out between the terrible, crazy hard moments. So, Elaine, you just hang in there and enjoy the sweet, lovely moments that come in between the crying, fussing, poopy, no sleep moments! =)
Hang in there! I had horrible Post-Partum Anxiety too and it was brutal. It’s funny, though, mine hit me in a way that I could not take care of myself at all but I could take care of my son. I was so, so, thankful to have him but was terribly sad and anxious and freaking out too. Don’t feel guilty about taking anti-depressants, either – I did and still nursed! Hugs.
Love this: “Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me. I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.”
Parenting is hard and wonderful all at the same time. Thank the Lord He is with us!
I have always said parenting is a hard gig! So is marriage! Just about anything worth doing comes with joy and trail! I have 10 forever children. I have parented about 75 over the last 29 years of parenting. My husband and I are foster parents we have tummy babies and adopted babies. Without Christ(Kairos) I wouldnt be able to do the good bad or ugly of parenting. You are right many of parentings moments are not enjoyable. Kids can be annoying, selfish, self centered,demanding ect,. The joy is watching a child puzzle out the best response to a situation.Seeing the growth in his or her character. We parents have a difficult job no doubt. The reward comes later. In like 20 years! Glory to the small stuff! That’s what I cherish as well. Keep up the good work. Don’t lose heart!keep pouring your heRt out on your family and your blog. I truly enjoyed your thoughts on parenting! Have a Blessed Day, Julie
You rock my socks. Thank you.
I LOVE THIS POST! It is awesome!!! I think some of the people who left “negative” comments are taking what you are saying WAAAY too literally. I just wanted to say I totally get you. I love what you said. I am so there with you. I love the chronos/kairos thing. LOVE it. I love my children so much but they also make me nuts sometimes! Ha ha ha. Keep carrying on!
THANK YOU!!! I’m so tired of women trying to act like they can do it all and have a fake smile while doing it. That’s just a load of crap. I don’t need to say more because you’ve said it all here just perfectly. I think you’re absolutely right that when it’s really hard is probably when we’re doing a really good job. Otherwise we wouldn’t care. And I love that you described the Kairos moments. Those moments are so precious and really help me get through the rest of the moments. Again, thank you for being honest and telling it like it is. If ANYONE was honest with themselves, this will ring very true!
Love this.
Very insightful and real! God has given you a wonderful gift of expressing your views. And you have given me a reason to evaluate my words before they come out of my mouth.
Thank you so much! LOVED this post. I think I’ve felt this way for a long time and it is sooooo good to know I’m not alone!
I can’t begin to read all the comments before me, but I just wanted to say this is EXACTLY how I have felt for years, and am glad you put this into words. I have felt like starting fights with the little old ladies in the store, but smiled anyway. It’s not that I don’t love them (don’t know them either, but that’s a different matter) but the comment doesn’t seem helpful when you are up to your elbows in dirty diapers and throwup.
I love your Kairos and Chronos explanations. We can experience God in everyday moments even if we don’t get energized by those who think they are helping but maybe aren’t. Thanks for being willing to be honest. I love your comparison to your husband’s work environment.
I appreciate all of the different responses to this post and really hear Glennon’s perspective. In fact, I have written similar posts on my blog as well. I think that the vast majority of us – of all parents – cherish their children always and at every moment. But I think that statements such as “Enjoy every minute” set up unrealistic expectations for parents, whose job is already more taxing, more time-consuming (and more rewarding) than any other job out there. Particularly when you have more than one child, when you really truly have no more moments of rest in the day because your attention has to be in so many places at once. When someone says to me that they love “every minute” of parenting, I think about that overflowing poopy diaper I just cleaned up that morning or the temper tantrum I just dealt with. Do you really enjoy those moments? Because those are a part of parenting too. What I hear Glennon saying is that statements that set mothering on some sort of superhuman, idealized plane fail to acknowledge or appreciate the hard work that we ALL do and in doing so, it causes us to dwell on the negative more than necessary, as we wonder why WE don’t enjoy our kids’ bouts of whininess like all the other mothers. Every job includes hard and unpleasant work. We don’t have to obsess over it. But there is nothing wrong with admitting that it exists. If we did so more openly in our society, Glennon’s admission that she has negative or mundane moments would not be so controversial. What I think is wonderful about her post, and what I think some of the readers might be missing, is that she is in fact writing not about disliking parenting, but rather about her strategy for keeping her focus on the magical parts of her job, on the kairos. We all need ways of coping with the difficult moments and Glennon’s works for her. If another parent reminds herself of the difficulty she had conceiving or something else, well, I think that is really just another way of getting at the same thing…helping us keep our focus on loving our children and loving the job that we have to care for them.
this is so good & so true! hard work is hard, but that doesn’t negate how very good it is. I love your new slogan – Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day
My husband always says people should have kids, just to know the pleasure of the quiet after bedtime. Nothing is quite like it! 🙂
I’m climbing the Everest, too! I’ll be aware of each “Kairos moment”… Thank you for this beautiful and honest post.
You rock. It takes a brave and honest soul to write something like this, and I appreciate you taking the time and energy to write it. I laughed out loud and then cried as I read it. I needed it today. Thank you.
[…] finally, my favorite thing that I read this week. A blog post about parenting that resonated with us. Enjoy! Share this:FacebookTwitterDiggLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. from → […]
Oh, thank you for this! So spot on. I will be sharing with every mom, and mom-to-be, I know. LOVE.
Spot on!
When I was a new mama, just a few weeks in, my best friend called from 300 miles away and asked how I was. I was cheerful, and told her about diapers, and sleeping, and nursing, and falling in love with our girl…and she shared joy with me. And then she said “Oh, but it’s so exhausting. Nursing is hard work.” And I cried, because it was the hardest thing I’d ever done, and finally someone acknowledged that reality. It meant everything to me. There was joy and beauty and exhaustion and hard work all rolled together, and that’s the reality of motherhood.
I love you.
I have been thinking about this blog a LOT in the past few days. I finally came to the realization for me that the reason I am one of those (not so) old ladies telling young mom’s to enjoy it, it doesn’t last forever is not because I think it was all wonderful or forgot all the hard stuff but that I DO remember all the hard stuff. ALL of it and that is what most of the memories are. The noticing how sweet they are or enjoying the curiosity or how funny and honest they can be, those memories are far fewer. I WISH I had so many more of them! I wish those memories outweighed the hard ones.
Tell it likr it id. I raised 8 amazing people, and if I said I enjoyed every moment, I’d be lying! It’s so worth it, though………
This was a lovely read. Thank you. I love how you write.
[…] Don’t carpe diem […]