Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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2,618 Comments
I love how honest you are in this post. I agree. Parenting is hard and you really can’t enjoy EVERY moment. Like those insane moments in the checkout line. Like the moments when your toddlers are being totally unreasonable, when you’re cleaning up all of the various bodily fluids in the middle of the night that are the inevitable gross part of parenting that wears you down and makes you ask “how long?” how long until nap time, how long till Daddy will be home, how long until bed time, how long until they are off to college?
I have five kids. My oldest is ten, my youngest is five months my next youngest is four and this time around I have had a greater awareness of how quickly this season passes. I think that’s what all of those nice ladies are trying to say – it goes by fast. Always remember that. I miss the simplicity of life before school – I had no idea how complicated parenting would get as my children have gotten older, even though now they are more helpful and independent.
I think the thing is – cherish every good moment you can. Like you said, those sweet perfect moments are ones to stop and notice, pick up a camera and record it. Write it down, cherish it. It’ll be over – and I know we’ll miss it. Maybe not at the checkout line in the grocery store – but we’ll miss it.
Thank you for writing this! Thank you for being real! So what I needed to read this morning! 🙂
“…especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite.” Loved it! Thank you for such a wonderful post, taken straight from my own heart!
you know, i really never comment on blogs unless something HITS me and there’s something i HAVE to say, even if i’m, like, 98% sure it won’t be read or no one cares. and here’s what i have to say.
i agree with your point, mostly, i think. i think the whole carpe diem idea is unrealistic. i mean, there are obviously moments we just cannot admit to enjoying, like the time my sweet baby girl became fascinated by my tablecloth, pulling it clean off the dining room table and bringing to the floor the antique centerpiece vase handed down from my great-grammy. yeah. umm, did not enjoy that. one bit.
also, your description of your kairos moments is totally beautiful. i love those moments, and it’s beautiful to be able to share those with other people. enlightening. loved that.
but as far as some of the details of your post, i really think… i’m sorry to say this, but i find you quite selfish. it might be hard for you to take some of those old ladies telling to to ENJOY EVERY MOMENT, but you know what? you have to accept that not everybody has had your parenting/having parented realization, and not everybody differentiates between those two things. i find that to not be thankful for somebody who is seriously just trying with, no doubt, good intentions to make your hard moments a little bit easier by suggesting you enjoy them is selfish. i’m not saying you have to enjoy them, but seriously? just realize that, for all you know, you might one day long for the days of parenting again… even the hard ones. and not for what you felt from it, but from watching your children. which brings me to another point.
your selfishness struck me here, too, where you say: “I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.” really? your FAVORITE part of the day is when your children go to sleep and you congratulate YOURSELF? parenting is not about having parented. it’s not about being satisfied that you could handle the job, or that you made it through a day. parenting is about raising PEOPLE, about helping a child grow into an adult and become fully participatory in the world they were born into. every now and then, look at your children and realize that YOU are the single most important person in shaping your children and helping them through growth. and the most important part of your parenting is not your satisfaction, but is THEM. i think about this with my two littles. are they kind? are they respectful? open? strong? confident? that is the goal. it’s not about what i did right. it’s about how they are doing and what we can do to help them be who they want to be. maybe if you think about that you will love parenting a little more than having parented. that it might be less about looking back at your children and saying, “wow, i did great!” and more about looking at your children while you’re raising them and thinking, “i have the opportunity and responsibility to parent these children.” to be a PARENT to these CHILDREN. the GIFT to do this. the gift to help your children and be their greatest support system. maybe, then, the most beautiful part of the day would be noticing the moment when your kiddo looks up at you and says “mom, can we bake the neighbor cookies? she looked sad today,” and realizing how proud you are of your baby instead of ending the day and thinking how proud you are of yourself.
You’ve obviously missed the point of this article by SO much I wonder if you’re even on the same planet as me.
I agree with the article more than I agree with your comment. You have your children for 0-17? years and that’s it… your happiness should not depend on whether your kids have turned out “OK” or “Super Amazing”. Being “proud” of your children is no less “selfish” than being “proud” of yourself… We are all selfish people… that is our nature… but are we all honest people? Glennon you are inspirational!
Aaaaand you are the perfect reason for her post. Congratulations.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well said, Tamera.
Seriously Ashley, the author of this most awesome post has her children in mind and is clearly putting all she has into the people they will be one day. She’s just not afraid to say that “it’s helluva hard”, and to glory in carpeing those quiet moments when the kids are in bed at the end of a totally exhausting, frustrating, but worth-it diem. THANK YOU, GLENNON!
Geez. Do you HAVE kids?
For the last 23 years I have been in this category. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think something like…WAIT! Your 16? When did that happen? Wasnt it just yesterday that you were in the Exersaucer (remember those?) watching me uncurl your sister’s fingers from the chandelier over our kitchen table (she was swinging from it and not proverbially either…legs in the front for her like a trapeze artist and gaining height!)
Sometimes Im sad that this part of my life flew by and YES I even feel guilty about it. Why dont I remember more? Why did I not take more pictures and videos of my younger children? Why did I go back to work?
Its a whirlwind…its hard work…its supposed to be. Some of us look like we are carpe-ing the diem better than others but most of us are not carpe-ing the diem for more than 15 minutes either!
I dont think she REALLY has animosity toward the little “old” ladies. They just make us feel guilty for the thoughts we are really having at the moment!
Great writing. Thanks so much!
Ashley, you can tell me to mind my own business, that is OK. Glennon is a seriously funny lady. Many of her posts will have you laughing with tears. She mixes humor in with her writing, often. She means she can’t wait to snuggle up and hang with Craig once the kiddies are in bed. Who wouldn’t? Have you SEEN Craig? LOL. See, we all have humor here. That sentence is fine, but Glennon knows how to sprinkle some silly in there too, to make it more interesting to read – and to lighten us all up and laugh. Please read her other stuff Ashley. She really is not a selfish person. If you only knew how much of herself she gives everyone, her community and far and wide. She is a spark. She is SO the OPPOSITE of selfish. Hm, her and her husband donated $6,000 this Christmas to a family who was short of funds, having a hard time getting the rest of their funding (and could not have babies) and needed it to complete their fund to adopt a baby – gave it to complete strangers!!!! Glennon and Craig got together with their community/neighborhood, listed what old toys they each had, and they all did a swap of gently used toys instead of buying a ton of crap for their kids (because they decided to give the gift of family to another family; the one adopting). Selfish. No way.
Ashley, I’d invite you to read more of Glennon’s posts on her blog because I think what you’re suggesting is actually a lot of what I’ve gotten out of Glennon’s writing about her family and her perspective on parenting and community-building. If you go to the old website (www.momastery.blogspot.com) the archives are organized by topic. You might want to try ones like this http://www.momastery.blogspot.com/2011/06/eat-drink-and-be-mary.html or this http://www.momastery.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-get-very-anxious-about-chase-being.html or this http://www.momastery.blogspot.com/2010/03/chase-and-onion-man.html. In any given moment we’re all at different points in our feelings about life, so I hope you find something in her other writing that might speak to you more directly than this one piece did. Peace.
Apparently disagreeing with the author is a free inviation for others to make nasty comments. Grow up, people! Other people are allowed their own thougths and opinions on a subject. I, too, thought this article was negative and selfish. It is obviously written by someone who takes their children for granted. I suffered through many years of infertility, and therefore, enjoy even the crazy, difficult times, because they were times I never thought I’d be blessed to have. Life is about the journey, not the destination, and if you can’t enjoy it while you’re in it, what’s the point? One day this woman is going to be one of those old ladies counseling others to enjoy every minute because it is obvious that she isn’t enjoying parenthood now.
And I too have suffered through infertility and loss, my kids are 8 years apart with a miscarriage in between, but despite my insane gratitude at being blessed twice this article still resonated with me. I don’t think she’s selfish, just honest (maybe more so than most). I also really don’t believe that after her kids go to sleep is her favorite part of the day, maybe just the easiest. People also need to keep in mind that a) she is a writer so often hyperbole happens for artistic reasons and b) this is a moment in time. Let her have her moment judgement free, ok? As for myself, I feel so blessed to have read this post and found this blog. Keep up the good work G!
Dayzee,
You spew hatred at those of us who enjoy Glennon’s posts and nd Glennon in general. That is okay because it is your opinion but we aren’t entitled to post ours right? That is what is the matter with you preachy types you want to be able to spew your hate but never be responsible for your own actions.I am new to Glennon’s site and have found hope,joy and a sense of community reading her posts and the comments from all of the other mommies on here. If you do not like her writting feel free to find another blog that fits your personality better. I LOVE THIS ONE and truly feel sorry that you cannot feel what we do when we read her writting. I understand being angry about infertility its frustrating and hard and exhausting and overwhelmingly awful. It feels like it is going to destroy you I know my closest friends have gone through it. I have been pregnant six times since I was nineteen I am twenty eight now and have three beautiful children here on earth with me and three beautiful angels flying high in heaven with my dad. Does this make me feel like I should hate others who can be honest about parenting? NO I feel a kinship with these women. They are real and funny and will renew your hope in parenting if you really listen to what they are saying. So back off read it again and evaluate why you are really mad at her post. I guarantee it has something to do with what you are afraid to be honest with yourself about when it comes to parenting then what Glennon wrote. I have found that most of the time when we are attacking others for something it is normally for something we dont like with ourselves. I hope you can find peace with yourself because until then you wont be able to find it in others.
Ashley, I can see what you’re saying. This post struck me all wrong too, and maybe it’s because I really DON’T understand why someone wants to have a 4th child if they are constantly feeling stressed by 3? Also, once I read several comments from people who are clearly not enjoying motherhood, or worst, regretting it or having too many moments they wish they were single and childless again, I felt sorry for them.
NO ONE is going to enjoy every moment of motherhood, just as no one enjoys every single second of their job or marriage. However, I love it when little old ladies wax nostalgic about having children. It’s way better than the alternative – people who give you dirty looks when your kids are acting up.
Yes, that is what struck me too. I think if her favorite part of every single day is when her kids are asleep there are problems there. Of course we all have those days but not every single day. I think the older ladies points are that we are crazy and tired during these moments so don’t forget to enjoy some of them. They don’t mean any harm or to make you feel guilty.
Ashley, I’m sorry you missed the point of her post. Like Caitlin said, read on to other posts and you will see that she is anything but selfish.
Moms are “on” 24/7/365. Moms need to turn “off” to replenish their minds, bodies and souls. Moms need breaks to be better moms. Moms need to take care of themselves before they can take care of others.
Moms also need encouragement to keep going when it’s hard. If no one is there to “congratulate you on a job well done”, then by all means, do it yourself. Moms need to acknowledge what they’ve done right and what they’ve done wrong to learn and grow.
And moms do not need to feel guilty about taking breaks and feeling good about themselves regarding a job well done…..that’s what keeps us going.
Well said!
I am one of those Mom’s that has said at times to cherish the moments and I have said them as words of encouragement and a little nostalgia. My kids are 18 months apart in age and are almost 25 and just turned 26 right now. So, when we were in diapers…we were IN diapers, etc, etc, etc. We were at ballgames 4-6 days a week, etc. Because whatever phase you are in, you are IN it! And then it is gone. And while you are struggling to do everything that you are doing, and appreciating it it appears, once it is gone, it is gone! Sometimes it is good and sometimes you are sad that those moments will never be re-lived but that is life. I am NOT “One of those” Moms that cherished every single moment but did like you are and stopped momentarily and smelled their hair, or their dirty sweaty little bodies after a summer day of play before putting them in the bathtub, because one day they won’t let you in the bathroom with them and those moments are gone – forever.And we read lots of books and thanked God for our bounties as well. But as they grow, phases end before you realize it, but new ones happen along. Now, our children are adults and our house is quiet much of the time but we have healthy wonderful relationships with our adult children. We have lunch and dinner and share hobbies and week-ends and movies. I understand your frustration and will learn to keep my mouth shut but try to understand that the women who say that might just be trying to say to you – we’ve been there and we understand and a part of us misses it.
I couldn/t have expressed it better!
I am one of those “old ladies” too. I do tell my daughters that being a mom is a hard job and sometimes you are so in the moment of the hard work it is good to step back and enjoy. I do miss those days of the innocence of the very young child and if I say something to a young mom I try to acknowledge how hard of a job motherhood is but rewarding as well.
I am also one of those “old ladies” who might smile when I see a mom with her little ones. I don’t say cherish those moments, but I take a little time travel into the past. At a time when we women were suppose to have a career (which I still have and love) and be the super moms. I had one child, but some days the one was able to have the energy of the three she now has.
I don’t care what generation we are, we all have our things that we believe are important and have to accomplish. My daughter’s life is nothing like mine was and I suspect her daughter’s life will be nothing like hers, but we all have the same feelings about being a mother. There are times it is so hard, we aren’t sure what we are doing is anywhere near ok. There are times it brings us such joy that we don’t know how we could ever feel any happier.
I am a teacher who has, unfortunately see mothers who have never felt this way and their children are something they can’t wait to get rid of….this is the only time I can not relate as a mother. When I see the mothers with their little ones running around the store, etc. I only want to try to remember one of those days and wish that I could recapture that minute over again.
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“Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest”
I totally agree. I don’t have kids but I have babysat and just in those few times I nearly lost my mind, haha. I admire anyone who can go whole days with kids. I look at women in grocery stores with like three kids in their car and wonder “Why do they do this to themselves??” But I guess there are the good moments and the magic.
And don’t pay attention to those magazines about parenting. They’ve got some good advice maybe but those pictures where everything looks all nice and calm, where the mother’s makeup is perfect and the little ones are smiling? Behind that is a lot of clutter and mess and those kids are probably about to start whining about having to pee. No mother is clean and neat and perfect a hundred percent of the day. And the idea that people can seize every moment is ridiculous. We’re not wired that way. We’ve got to take a break, we’ve got to rest, and sometimes we’ve got to grin and bear it.
Great post!
This may be one of the best accounts of parenting I have ever read. My sons are 18 and 11 and I have often said parenting is the best part of my life… followed by the phrase, also the hardest. And even though there have been financial struggles, that’s not what I find hard, it’s the being a good role model, wondering if I’ve let them know I love them enough, given them the tools succeed that make it hard. It’s the getting through each day intact. And yet, there are those Kairos moments each day, and I am grateful for them. Thank you for putting to words such a powerful concept.
I love everything about this post!
Partly for reading my mind…partly for convicting me of my judgement upon other moms who aren’t carpe-ing the diem as much as I think I am…partly for making me laugh…and mostly for those two different times that you are talking about.
Truth be told, I love that phrase Carpe Diem AND I want to through those “enjoy every minute” ladies off the mountain. Truth be told.
WOw! It’s my first time here. I loved your post and really hopes all your writing is like that. It was like reading in the mirror:-)
My very dear Glennon,
Such a beautiful photo from a truly happy family.
I completely identify with you, still remembering the time I had, and still have with my 3 children, now 5 children, when I count the wife of my son, and the husband of my daughter.
“Parenting is hard.” True, and I have loved having parented three children!
“Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.” Very correct!
“CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”” Well said Glennon!
“I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. … I felt guilty…”
Don’t think that ever again!
“I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.” Good heart Glennon! Way to go!
“This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos. … how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth?” Glennon, You got it!!!
Continue to have a wonderful hard time with all your family 😉
Edith,
from WARM Tucson, Arizona
My very dear Glennon,
Such a beautiful photo from a truly happy family.
I completely identify with you, still remembering the time I had, and still have with my 3 children, now 5 children, when I count the wife of my son, and the husband of my daughter.
“Parenting is hard.” True, and I have loved having parented three children!
“Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.” Very correct!
“CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”” Well said Glennon!
“I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. … I felt guilty…”
Don’t think that ever again!
“I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.” Good heart Glennon! Way to go!
Continue to have a wonderful hard time with all your family 😉
Edith,
from WARM Tucson, Arizona
“This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos. … how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth?” Glennon, You got it!!!
I totally get what you wrote….and all of my four babies are in college! There are moments you love to cherish and want to hold on to forever as they grow. Then there are others, when you just want the clock to spin faster so those moments are over…
I do wish that one of those charming little ladies would have said, “Enjoy it now, because it is now, but later, when they are grown, you will find sweet moments to savor as well!” With that glimmer of hope, I might not have felt as panicked as time ticked by so quickly on their childhood years.
It isn’t negative, it is life…. Sweet and sour, but we need them both!
(PS. I enjoyed your writing and your family is beautiful!)
Love it! Love the honesty and clarity. Nothing negative here, just reality. Thank you. 🙂
Indeed. Not negative. Honest and real. I’m not sure anyone who says otherwise is really immersed in parenting.
beautifully written. thankyou for taking the time to do it.
Thank you for this post, I am new here. My son is 4 and will be going to school next year. He is a handful. I love him so much, but wow, it is overwhelming. I try very hard to enjoy my time with him and not wish his childhood away…because I know right now the snuggles are coming and when he is a teenager, they will be fewer and farther between. And some day he will be married (though right now he swears up and down that he will never get married and leave me; sweet, sweet little boy). And I will miss the time I get with him right now. But you are right and so was the lady who said our lives cannot and will not be one Kodak moment after another. Life happens and dirty dishes, dirty houses, kids’ friends and afterschool activities get in the way of our time together. But that does not mean we love our children any less (or that we should be told by anyone other than our hearts/spouses hearts whether or not we should add another beautiful soul to our family) or that we don’t cherish our time with them. Life is not all rainbows and kittens, and yes I know older women who remind us from time to time that we should savor the time with our kids mean well. But really, when I have a wailing banshee in the grocery cart in front of me and that same woman is glaring at my child as though I am doing something wrong and her own cherished precious angels never did that to her, it is frustrating.
Hi. I am Jan. I love these boys who I hope when I reach the top of Mt Everest (finish raising them?) they turn out ok. Hmmm. That to me is a staggering thought. Believe me. You see, for the past 4 years I have been in a mourning period. It happened when my oldest son, now 21, and I stood in our driveway and began talking to me about possibly planning to move out. Can you believe I was actually stunned? I felt a physical reaction. I felt the blood run from my head to my toes. I felt the tears begin to form. Writing this I can feel the emotions I felt at that moment still. I immediately went to my mom’s little apt next door (she has since moved) and told her what had just happened. I was crying my head off!. Thankfully he didn’t move out. In fact, he is still here. He should be moving out this Spring or Summer to go on to work on his college education which he has been working on from home for the past couple of years. I am so proud of him. That in itself is a whole other conversation.
I have 5 more sons to leave home.
The youngest one is 13.
I remember so well the intense emotions, frustrations, humiliations, worries, doubts, love, cuddling, kissing, hand holding, bathing, feeding, trips to stores, etc etc.
Oh how I wish I could do it all over again.
But I cannot.
It is not like climbing Mt. Everest.
We only can do this once. It sucks. I want to do it again now. (stomps feet)
I remember THOSE people who used to tell me to enjoy every moment. Frankly, it used to piss me off. I remember thinking to myself how ridiculous that was.
Oh my word, I have become THAT person! I cannot believe it!
NOW, I struggle to enjoy every moment of this phase. I catch myself now though. I BETTER enjoy them NOW. In a few short years they will be gone. That hurts. I want them to be here forever. My perspective has changed. I know it will from now on have to change. They will be starting their own lives. I want to be able to be some small part of that! Geez, I will take whatever morsel they throw my way.
The mourning process continues.
I am proud to be a mom.. I am proud to be a future whatever I will be to them. I am proud of my decision to put myself unknowingly through this motherhood thing. It was based on faith, trust me. It still is based on faith. What more is there?
And so, yes, I can totally and completely relate to your blog entry here. I really can.
I love you for writing it with all my heart (what is left of it) cuz a little piece seems to break off each day. I have faith that it will rebuild itself one day!
Keep on keeping on. I know you will!!
Love,
Jan, current mother of 6 teenage boys
LOVED this. Thank you! My husband liked this too, and I thought about calling him at work yesterday to say, “How’s it going there Mike? CARPE DIEM Mike!!!”
A resounding, “Amen!” I laughed out loud about the “that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite.” Thanks for your thoughts. Good to feel I’m not alone. And I try dang hard to be a good mom and wonder the same thing, “Aren’t I supposed to be enjoying this more?” yet, it’s still the best thing I’ve done, despite the struggle.
Thank you for writing this! Beautiful!
Oh bless you for EXACTLY articulating the feelings I often had when my children were littles! I can clearly remember (bear in mind my children are 17 & 20) thinking if these are REALLY the best years of my life I may just end it all now. now watching and helping with my lives-with-me granddaughter I really can’t believe how quickly each stage passes. Things it seemed I had to endure for eons really last just a couple months. For those of you raising children now in the age of blogging it must be doubly difficult as you read about eveyone’s rosey perfect blogosphere lives complete with pictures to beautifully document. Don’t believe the hype! It’s hard as heck…but then isn’t every good thing?
[…] This post made me feel soooo much better. If you are a new mom check it out. Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]
Are you kidding me? I didn’t know that there were words for EXACTLY how I feel every single day while raising three young, busy, frustrating, amazing, exhausting, growing children. THANK YOU.
[…] a wonderful article called “Don’t Carpe Diem” that’s been making its way rapidly around social networking sites, whose author […]
You ROCK! Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work! <3
I once asked my father in law what “age” he most enjoyed his children. He said, “Well, the baby stuff was so fascinating, and they are so funny as toddlers, and then they start reading, and high school age is when they become really interesting and people, and I really love the adult relationship I have with my kids… so, I don’t know, I just enjoy my kids.” Whoa. Seriously? I am aiming for that kind of attitude with this whole thing. Instead of the “you’ll miss it when it’s gone.” What is the alternative to our kids growing up? Think about that for a moment and it’s pretty clear what we all prefer.
I often think the “you’ll miss it when it’s gone” ladies say that because they didn’t live in the moment while they had the chance. Perhaps, if we live in the moment and drink every moment of each stage to the fullest, we will feel like your father-in-law, who enjoyed each stage. Perhaps if we continue to enjoy the now and immerse ourselves in our children as they are now, we won’t feel later on in life that we missed something. So in one way, perhaps the ladies are right. They want to give out a warning of respecting the now so that we don’t live with regrets later.
P.S. – Your father in law’s view is awesome!
I say “right on!” to you. Here’s why. You used the term “Kairos” completely well. I have directed the Kairos retreat for ten years and each time we leave “chronos’ for “Kairos” I remember why I go through the retreat preparation torture. But more to the point…I have 23 and 21 year old sons. Treasure every moment? Yes, I did and do and yes I tried to take pictures and yes I remember. But I also parented my kids through the death of my mother from a brain tumor and my father from lung cancer, my husband’s hospitalizations, teaching high school and my youngest son’s bi-polar adventures. I won’t go into it but for every precious moment I have had more moments of abject terror or pain. That is life. What do people expect? Kodak moments every bit of the day? Kairos comes when you stare up at the stars and talk to God about how crappy your day has been and why did your parents have to die and leave you on this planet to face these dragons and then you go into to see your bi-polar son finally sleeping in his own bed for once in his life. Kairos moments give a person the strength to deal with chronos. You are busy building a beautiful family and some day they will be adults and they will be strong, happy, funny people who have real grip on life….not self-absorbed, selfish humans who think they are the precious center of the Universe because their pictures were taken every day and everything they did was memoralized for all eternity. Atta Girl!!!!
Do you know why we say that? Because those problems you seem to be having, we had, and yes – they seem trivial in hindsight. I would much rather be carrying a screaming toddler around in a grocery store and knowing that nobody else may like the screaming, but this is my child and I can leave this store any damn time I please. Those problems seem far superior to noticing the new tattoo on the lower back, seeing piercings that make you think, “But what if you want to breastfeed one day?” , driving at 2:00 a.m. to pick up the underage kid with a trunk full of beer (in your car) with the cop looking at you and you just know he’s thinking, “What a dumbass for not knowing that your kid was doing this” or worse yet – the call from the hospital or the state trooper on your doorstep. All of these make two years of night terrors and fives sets of tubes in the ears seem like a bee sting compared to the snake bite you’re going through right now. I love my children as adults. They have minds of their own, and use them in spite of what we taught them. But the same holds true as when they were small. The celebration begins when everyone under the age of 30 is asleep, and the door is locked. Good, bad or indifferent, that was a successful day.
I have a teen and a 3 year old and another in between. Every stage has it’s challenges, and I look at those with infants with pity thinking “Thank God I’ll never have to do that again”, instead of “oh how sweet”. I think those moms of teens and adults are just too far removed to remember how absolutely overwhelming the relentless day to day, minute to minute maintenance of little ones is. The older ones have bigger issues, but you also have far fewer daily and hourly responsibilities with them that can absolutely drain you.
Moms deserve far less judgment and far more support from experienced moms, instead of the attitude of “oh, it gets so much worse” or “enjoy them now while they are little”. Because you know what? Some little ones have some pretty big problems too. I had a hellish 4 year old but with hard work and relentless parenting, she has become a delightful teen. Not everyone is going to have your experience, and some moms of little ones are going through some pretty tough stuff too.
And I swear, when I’m an empty-nester, I will make it my personal mission to pick up the tab and carry the groceries for a young mom once a month:-))
I’m bawling. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for writing this. I am that guilt ridden mom feeling like I have to enjoy every single second of every single day with my children, and honestly I don’t. There are those kairos moments, where I do love them and enjoy them and so thankful for the blessing that they are. But honestly there are many many many more moments where it is hard, very hard. I love my children and I love that I am able to stay at home with them, and if I was younger we’d probably even have more, but thank you for being so honest and real about parenting and how difficult it can be. I really helps. Thank you.
I could HUG you right now! This is REALITY….and you are one of the BRAVE warriors. Your bravery is humbling in the form of honesty….No it’s not a picnic every single minute of every single day….but every now and then we are witness to the moments that make a thousand sleepless nights seem like a walk in the park; or at least minimize this mornings sharpie incident long enough to aknowledge our blessings.
It’s that moment you see your children running to you after the school bell rings…it’s exactly like the movies….so much so you want to add a theme song….melts my heart every single time….and I KNOW by the time they reach me…they will be whining and arguing about who gets to be first player on Xbox or who’s turn it is to have a friend over….The magic and the reality….what is tragic is not seeing those moments when they present themselves.
No we are not victims of our children, but we are NOT supposed to roll over and pretend that we don’t struggle or hide our wants needs and desires as human beings either.
I love this post! Thank you so much for writing this! I really needed it!
Dear G,
My cousin just sent me the link to your blog. My husband and I had so many laughs while reading this post and felt relief to hear someone blogging about exactly how we feel. We have four children between the ages of 6 and 16 months and we can TOTALLY relate to you! We LOVE your blog! Keep up the fantastic job as a parent! We ARE all doing something very meaningful :o) Now when I have those tough Chronos moments, I will smile and remember that you and many other parents know exactly how I feel and that`s okay. May you and Craig continue be blessed!!
Brilliantly, just brilliantly said. This completely captures the essence of why I do not feel compelled to run gushingly after my kids with a camera every moment of the day and yet I still feel that the act of mothering them is fulfilling in summary.
Nothing broken down into finite tasks is glorious. Not writing, not working for pay, not mothering. It’s all fingers on keyboard, tissue to runny nose, hands to bathroom floor covered with vomit, press submit, cross-link, say good-night, I forgive you, I love you too-more than 1,000 universes, check my stats, turn off the computer. Sit on the couch.
At the end of the day, the glory, as you so beautifully captured, is in having BEEN a writer and mother, even if not the one you wanted, for another day, while a child grew larger in body and spirit.
I just cried reading your article….and let me tell you, if someone came up to me and did what you hope to be able to do someday as one of those older ladies….i think i would just loose it right there and cry again! THANK YOU. i may print this out and post it on my mirror…Kairoses.
Loved your comments! I am right there with you. Keep up the good work! 🙂
Beautifully written! Thank you for your honesty! Carry on, Warrier! <3
This rings so loud and true for me! Oh, the panicky panic that sets in when I realize I’m not seizing every seizable moment. Thank you for the permission to just raise my children the best I can and enjoy beautiful moments occassionally. This blessed me today!
It’s all about perspective. The grass always looks greener on the other side (or in the past). My thoughts – stop looking in everyone else’s yard and be happy playing in your own yard. It is what you make of it.
We don’t all want (or need) the same things so I think it woud be best if we stopped assuming that everyone feels the same way about parenting or receiving unsolicited advice.
Who is assuming you feel this way? Who is telling you to feel this way?
Glennon wrote this essay because SHE feels this way. Turns out from the over 1000 comments that a lot of people feel this way. Sometimes its nice to step into someone else’s yard and commiserate or rejoice together, non? If *you* don’t need it or want it, that’s fine. You need not come.
Thank you for putting into words my exact feelings.
Thanks for sharing your fantastic observations! As a former stay-at-home Dad, I heartily agree–especially on a day like today.
Thank you. Sending virtual solidarity, grappling hooks, a nice bottle of Chianti for grown-up time tonight, a chance to go to the bathroom alone, and an uninterrupted night’s sleep.
Carry on, Warrior!
Very well said! Being a mother is the hardest but most rewarding job in the world! I am a mother of 3 wonderful boys & a stepmother of 2 wonderful boys, which means I have 5 boys! Yes it is crazy at times, but time does fly by & now they are all almost grown up & I can’t believe I am saying this but “I miss the chaos”! God Bless us ALL! Keep up the GREAT work & Thank You for making me feel like I am NOT a failure as a mom! = )
AMEN SISTA’! Thank you for so beautifully articulating my day to day! c.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. So well said and…yes. Thank you.
Refreshing honesty! Well said, well written. Your family photo is lovely!! Fabulous pic 🙂
I am one of the little old ladies you spoke of. I raised three sons who are now 40, 38, and 35. All are successful,contributing members of society with children of their own. I wish while I was going through the struggles of raising them, I was privy to reading a blog such as this. It was insightful, and very real. I have not forgotten the struggles, the chronos moments, or the kairos, and there were plenty of both!
Now, I get to experience only kairos, because my nine grandchildren are God’s reward for the job I did with my sons, despite the difficulties!
My advice to the critical mother who has a newborn, is wait until you have a teenager that you sit up waiting for, that you worry over, hoping he’ll make good choices, before you rush to judgement.
Be blessed.
Amen.
I love this blog. my kids are 19 and 21 now, so i guess i am in the “older children” phase of things. however, one old saying holds true….”the bigger they get, the bigger the problems get”. when mine were little my husband worked 12 hour shifts 3, 4 sometimes 5 days in a row, if not day shift, midnight shift. there was no “carpe diem”. i felt sometimes like it was more like “survival of the fittest”. but what i have found to be true is that i still look at those two kids with the wonderment i did the day they were born. every new thing my oldest does is a “new stage” for me. and i now have a 19 month old grandson which makes up for all the harder times. i guess what i meant is that the views ARE breathtaking, and there will be many times for all moms of young and older kids, when we fall down mt. everest a little bit with our hearts in our mouths and in our hands. but when a 21 year old boy still calls you mama and tells you he loves you and a 19 year old girl still calls you mommy, the slips and slides are worth it…..<3
I don’t think you’re negative at all. I take similar flack as an equally expressive mom, and I often wonder how insecure the criticizers might really be–how afraid they are that they might feel the same as me. Beautiful writing.
I am a 60yr old grandma sharing my home with my daughter her husband and 3 children, l know how hard it is for the young mums. l’m still having those pee in the pantry and writing in texta (permanent) all each other and the consent nagging moments. Did l enjoy every moment when l was parenting me kids NO, do l enjoy doing it now with grand kids NO but l see back to what was and how it all turned out for my kids l know those hard times grow us all and those special moments just help to keep you going.
[…] I am also reading this: “Don’t Carpe Diem.” […]
She makes a real good point. Going a bit deeper I think that the point is not to carpe diem, but rather to see God at work in every moment. To be fully present in the moment. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be constant extasy in fact it means there will be many difficult and even painful moments. Knowing that God loves us and is taking us through the moment for our good can make it worthwhile.
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[…] regard to finding the motivation to start blogging, have to give credit to this post: https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ A friend of mine posted it on Facebook and I read it last night. It inspired me to not lose […]
Thank you thank you. I’m a new mama and I lived in a near constant state of guilt for not being in, as you said, complete ecstasy at being a parent. Thank you for putting into words what I didn’t realize was bothering me and how to be at peace with it. Thank you for “having written.”
Thank you SO MUCH for this. I’m so tired of feeling like there’s something wrong with me because I get tired, I get frustrated…I get fed up! And yes, I complain about it! Why are moms SO afraid to say, “Yeah, this totally sucks sometimes”? Does that make us less worthy as moms? Does that make other moms better, more caring, more worthy than us??? I’m so relieved to know that THIS is REALLY how moms feel…straight to the point. Thank you for showing me that it’s OKAY not to love it 24/7, as long as I can see the beauty in it SOMETIMES! Your example about sitting back and reflecting when the kids are finally, FINALLY in bed is all too true…but how many moms actually admit it???
Thank you for writting this and allowing yourself to be judged by all outsiders for your honesty. Your blog is like a breath of fresh air no one is honest any more about the reality of being a mom and I feel so defeted when I see my friends posts about their perfect children and perfectly clean house while mine is in chaos and my two boys are fighting over a toy and my sweet little princess is crying because she wants a bottle and all I can think is what am I missing? I read your blog and cried because for the first time in a long time I knew someone out there loved their children as completely as I do but is honest enough to admit the trials. Please continue writting and don’t let anyone break you down for being honest they are eithere lying to themselves or the rest of the world. Parenting is hard but I couldnt imagine spending a day without kissing my kids goodnight as I tuck them in to bed.
Thank you for your honesty. I just had a huge “I’m a failure of a mother” moment last night in regard to my houseful of teenagers. In a Facebook world of people putting their “perfect family face” out there, it is important to realize that we are real moms, struggling to make it through each day intact and usher our children into adulthood with decency, character, and goals for life. Kudos for standing up and stating that is is hard. Blessings to you on your journey through motherhood.
[…] wonderful moments with baby. As described in this blog entry, being a parent is frequently exhausting, hair-pulling work. Sure, a lot of it may be my own issues […]
I have tears. This so speaks to me. I also have three rowdy, exhausting, perfect young kids. It’s important for us mamas to be honest about our experience. It is both heaven and hell at the same time. If the 50s mamas could have been a little more honest, there would have been alot less valium in usage. In any given day I can both feel guilty that I get to be at a park playing with my kids in the sunshine while my husband slaves away at the grindstone to pay our bills, and then feel jealous that he gets to leave the house to work with reasonable adults while I carry a tantruming toddler out of the grocery store while people gape. But I wouldn’t trade this time in my life for anything. Thank my lucky stars for those Kairos moments. And thank you for giving them a name.
After a day of being overwhelmed and frustrated over not being a perfect mother of three, I googled “staying sane at home”. Your blog was the first thing that came up. Thank you; perfect timing!
I spend almost 24/7 with our four wonderful children (ages 5 yrs, 3 yrs, 21 mos., and 5 mos.), and reading this I laughed till I cried. . . and then plain cried.
The Mt. Everest analogy. The Target story–could have been my kids! LOL! . . . and Kairos time. ♥
I realized while I read this, that I DO feel guilty that I don’t love “every minute” and I DO feel guilty that there are days, like today, when I am so exhausted that I can’t WAIT till the kids’ bedtime–and she helped me realize that is true in any worthwhile career or difficult undertaking–doesn’t mean I’m “failing” as a mom.
So thankful for my “Kairos times” even today!
My reply will be in the minority because I cannot relate to this mother’s post. I can understand and sympathize with her frustration, sadness and exhaustion raising three children, but the line about the best part of her day is putting her children to bed is heartbreaking to me. My initial reaction was anger that her children were not getting the very best mother they deserved, but rather someone who was just looking forward to the next break, going from one bout of annoyance to another. I reread the post in hopes that I would come away with a different understanding and not judge this fellow mother so harshly. But upon further analysis, I’m left with sadness at her plight and for what her children may be picking up from her subconsciously. The line about her actually stopping what she’s doing to really look at her daughter seems like such a rare, fleeting moment in a string of chores and behavior correction. My question is, what’s the point? Why lead a life where you spend most of your time wishing for a silence? Why make the commitment to raise a child when most of the time it’s an annoyance?
I obviously don’t know this blogger and it’s unfair to judge someone based on a blog post, but the positive replies to this post also took me aback – so many mothers wishing for bedtime, every day. I recall going into a baby clothing store when I was eight months pregnant to have the owner tell me about her young children and how she looks forward to dropping them at the sitter’s every weekend to go shopping with her mother, while sighing and rolling her eyes. Her advice to me was to enjoy my baby while an infant because it’s pain in the neck when they get a tad bit older. What she didn’t know was that I had spent the last two years dealing with Endometriosis, having it removed, losing a tube to blockage, dealing with months of anxiety about my fertility, to then get pregnant naturally. After we left the store, my husband turned to me and said we can never be parents like that, we can never allow our son to feel like he is annoyance to be shuffled off to the sitter’s or to bed. So fast forward now – my son has filled a void that I never knew I had. I am grateful every day for him – I really look at him all the time and spot his Daddy or his Grandpa and see him unfold and discover this world. Does he wake us up in the middle of night, you bet – every night. And while I’m sitting in the dark, deprived of sleep, rocking him as drifts back I am grateful because I asked for this, I begged for this, my heart ached for this.
Chances are my difference in view is because I only have one child (for now), he’s still a baby and my husband and I are both in our 30’s. I waited to have children because I enjoyed being selfish when I was younger. I did everything I wanted to do, so that now I can dedicate my time to him. Because we planned for our son, we changed our lifestyle to better accommodate him. We both work from home and purchased a larger home so that my mother could stay with us for lengthy periods of time. Does that makes difference? Probably. Would I have felt differently had I become a mother at 25, 26? Undoubtedly. So I think age and experience make a difference too. I advise my younger cousins to wait before having a child, living life as an individual, as fully as you can will only make you better parent as you share more life experiences with them. As for the blogger, I hope it gets better for you. I hope you have more moments when you get to really look at your children, but the old ladies in Target are right – it will go by faster than you think.
Peace and Love.
Katherine,
I think you are very judgmental indeed. And um, yeah, you are in quite a different position than most of us. One child, a spouse who works from home, and a live-in grandmother??? You are in another universe. Do you have a maid and cook as well??? I too am an older mom and I too adore my children. I dote on them and at the same time am often at my wit’s end. It’s a both/and. Your pity/sadness for those of us who stress out is insulting. I was very encouraged by this blog and was refreshed by the writer’s honesty. I am encouraged to embrace the Kairos moments more and let the dishes sit in the sink. Please don’t judge the rest of us who don’t enjoy your incredible luxuries.
P.S. I think the saleswoman’s comments while you were pregnant were atrocious as well. I don’t send my kids to day care nor do I count the hours till bedtime or babysitters. But it IS hard work and this blogger captured the madness of it all perfectly. Moms are human too.
No maid, no cook. Mom lives with us because it’s a standard cultural thing after my father died about three weeks before my son was born. She takes care of my son when I’m working and I take care of her otherwise as she’s aging. And I never said that I pitied away, which is pretty much useless emotion. I’m sad in general that so many mothers don’t have the support they need in this country.
Katherine as a mother of an infant it really is naive of you to comment. It is easy to say as a mother of one with wonderful support that you will cherish every moment of every day. I look back on my wonder filled baby days and miss that bliss of new motherhood. I have since grown more with my children, and with that growth comes challenges and stresses you just have not yet experienced. One day you too will fill overwhelmed and unprepared and perhaps then you can look back or even look ahead and see that yes even you may have one of these days. The blogger was just being truthful about a feeling she had at a moment in life. I too was a mom of one child that could not fathom why mothers sent their babies to drop in care for “moms day out” or kept their kids in after school care hours after they got off work. Now as a parent of more than one I can see that sometimes to be a better parent some people need to put themselves first once in a while. You may never have to make that decision since you have back up, but please try not to criticize what you have not yet experienced.
Katherine,
I would have to agree with Kelly on this one. I just went through this again when I had my second child. My 3 year old was impossible and I remember thinking how sweet and innocent the new baby is and how much things change as they get older. The difference is I know where we’re headed and that a 2 year old boy was in our future. We’re here now, and let’s just say, I look forward to my break in the evening. Katherine’s post is just very naive, with a bit of judgement mixed in. We all think that when our first babies are under one-and especially when we’re pregnant. How could you ever want a break? Also, having the mother in law around is huge!!! I remember freaking out when my husband went back to work. Just taking a shower is so nerve racking at first with no one there to watch the baby even for 5 minutes. I was so worried about the baby and whether it was even ok to leave her for a moment while I bathed.
obviously, she was in a seat right next to the shower, but with colicky infant, that doesn’t even work sometimes.
I wonder, how is your baby sleeping Katherine? Are you the only one that gets up with the baby in the middle of the night? Was the baby colicky? That’s what threw me for a loop in the beginning. Hours upon hours of crying. no sleep (less than 4 hours every night for 18 months). I felt so helpless and no one offered up any suggestions on how to deal with the continuous crying. I was definitely wishing for a break and looked forward to every night when my baby was finally asleep. Not only did I know as a mother, that she was finally resting and ok, I finally got a break.
There is nothing wrong with needing a break. I think everyone needs to stop being so judgemental of each other, without being in each others shoes. Katherine’s post was just that. And its just as bad from the Grandma’s that can’t remember a thing about when there own children were young and how challenging they were. I said the same thing to my husband when I was pregnant-while camping near a group of families and listening to the mother’s scream at their children all week. But recently I have found that I am no different given certain situations and that I myself was being judgemental and narrowminded in that moment.
Take it easy on yourself and others. You’ll have your own toddler, Katherine, soon enough.
All i have to say is talk to me when the terrible 2 start!
Katherine, It’s nice that you are able to experience such a blessing after having waited and prayed for the opportunity to have a child. You are approaching this blog from a very different perspective than the author of it has. Should you have the opportunity to have three children who are outside the constant control of your loving arms you may be able to understand more clearly just how beautiful those kairos moments are. When you have only one child, and he an infant, the stress and pressure of parenting is a very different experience. You have a lot more kairos moments! Reserve judgement. Better yet, just hear what another mother is experiencing and understand that everyone’s experience is different and everyone learns to be thankful in different ways. We don’t need to judge each other – just appreciate and encourage. Bless you.
You may be right. If we are blessed with another child and I fast-forward 4-5 years from now, I may feel the same way. But similarly to the blogger, I just got sick of “experienced” mothers telling me to prepare for the maelstrom that is motherhood, speaking about their children as if there were some sort of burden and giving me tips on how to escape them. From my perspective, after wanting something for so long and finally getting it, I can’t imagine being that frustrated (again I write this full knowledge that I don’t have toddler yet). We’ll see.
Katherine, like you, I had a hard road becoming a parent. Mine was a bit different, 4 miscarriages in a row, then a stillbirth at 31 weeks, then my healthy, beautiful little girl finally came into this world at 38 weeks. At the time, my husband was deployed to Iraq, but despite not having him with me, I was so thrilled to finally have my blessing. Like you, I couldn’t imagine ever being frustrated or not being able to wait until bedtime.
However, fast forward 6 1/2 years, I now have three children, my precious angel is 6, and in first grade, and struggles with ADHD and impulse control. On occasion I find a whole box of cereal thrown on the floor and spread around her room. She manages to do it at 2am and everything, even alarms on cabinets doesn’t seem to stop her. Talk about frustrating! She knows she shouldn’t do it, she knows it’s wrong, but she cannot always stop herself from doing it anyway. My only son is 4 years old, and although he is definitely a sweet, funny little boy, we recently had a rather embarrassing lesson on stealing. Not to mention when the two big kids are together, they can wreak havoc like you wouldn’t believe.
The baby is 7 months, and she, by far, is the easiest child simply because she’s a baby, and doesn’t do anything frustrating… yet. I know it’s coming, and I know I will get upset with her and count the hours untl bedtime. I know that on a cold winter’s day when she is stuck inside and doesn’t have an outlet for her energy (and when nothing I try, craft projects, baking, games, even running around the house and doing exercises, works), she will drive me crazy.
But regardless, I cherish the Kairos moments every day. They are what keeps me going.
Just one more thing. Picture this:
You are preparing to drive a long distance (one set of parents is 13 hours away, the other set is 24 hours away, again, my husband is in the military) for Christmas. You make a list of everything that needs to go and carefully pack everything that you can pack two days in advance. The day before you are supposed to leave you wake up to find powdered sugar covering every surface in your living room and in your daughter’s room, including the clothes you have packed but hadn’t actually shut the suitcases and bags.
Name one person that wouldn’t get frustrated at their child for doing that, and creating all that work when you had so much to do that day anyway. Oh and you are pregnant and experiencing hypermesis.
Is the issue not ever getting frustrated? Frustration seems normal but to say that one event a day or a month colors parenting in a negative way seems extreme. This mother didn’t write about being frustrated when BIG things happened, she talked about parenting being difficult when children are doing normal things and rather than seeing all of the joy and goodness in the children most of the time she sees the difficulty more. At least that is how I read it.
Katherine,
I just want to say that I agree with you. When reading it I also felt a bit sad. It’s difficult because I understand the mother and it seems to say that one truly enjoys parenthood and parenting makes one judgmental. I agree with you that it is our experiences that shape how we view it. I am single with two school-aged children. My mother is deceased and I have no family member for 200 plus miles. My children are ALWAYS with me except school, and maybe 4 hours of activities a week. What is hard I suppose is relative. It was difficult to learn that my first child would be stillborn and that my mother had a terminal disease and that all though I cared for her before her death nothing that I would do would change the inevitable. So, I love parenting even in the hard moments when my child has opened the package in the store and is bothering the swipe pen because I understand that those things come with childhood. Differently than this mother I see those occurrences in the grocery store and all the other silly normal things that kids do as the fleeting things of life. I can’t wait for my kids to wake up in the morning and I love the days that I can leave my office early and pick them up from school. Not judging this mom because no one can do that, I would just like to offer a different perspective. Knowing what it is like to hold a child that will never cry, makes silence deafening. I need to here my children laugh, scream, yell. I don’t love it when they act out but I do love knowing that I have and am what they need to reign that in. I understand the stress of it and so I have had to arrange my life in a way that I keep other stressors at bay so that my focus can be on my children. I am thankful for those ladies that pat me on the back and say, you’re doing a good job mamma, hang in there. I know what the alternative is and that would be to live my life without the noise and the chaos, to live without knowing that things are never as bad as they seem. I love parenting and know that the hard moments are few and far between.
Katherine I don’t think that you are judgmental just appreciative and have the ability to see your children as blessings rather than burdens. Thanks for being brave enough to say so.
I think, although I can appreciate Annette’s perspective, that you both missed the fact that the blogger sees her children as blessings too. Not burdens. None of us do. To say otherwise- that IS judgmental of both of you. But the reality is, the day can be hard. Doesn’t mean we hate it. The reality is, sometimes we do look forward to those moments when the kids are quiet and sleeping. Doesn’t mean we didn’t have a good day. The reality is, we don’t have to feel guilty about not savoring every single moment in a day with our crazy, silly, messy kids. The end.
JACKIE, you are right you don’t have to feel guilty. I would hope as a mom that you don’t feel guilty. I would simply hope that at the end of the day when they are in bed that you would add up and the positives outweigh the negatives. If offer a person a way to look at their life and be happier is judgmental then so be it. There are many things in life more difficult than raising kids and unfortunately have had the opportunity to experience them and do not wish them for you. Those things are things that we do not choose. Parenting on the other hand we sign up for. After reading all of this those difficult things of life make me so grateful that I can see that kid stuff is just that kid stuff. I don’t judge you but I do hope that you can find the joy.
Annette and Katherine,
Right or wrong, I thought this post was very negative as well, and frankly, I’m sick of hearing from moms who complain about their kids constantly. Maybe it’s because I HAVE to work and don’t get to spend as much time with my son as I’d like. Maybe it’s because I was 38 when I had him. Maybe it’s because I’m only having one child because I don’t want that kind of stress and chaos. Maybe it’s because I realize, even though my son is only 3, that these times are so fleeting, and I know too many moms personally who have lost their children. NO ONE enjoys every single moment, but you can be damn sure that my favorite time of day is NOT when he goes to bed.
I’m not judging Glennon – if you read her bio, she has been through some serious you-know-what in her life. I just don’t relate to this post and it makes me sad to read about the moms who so often wish for their childless days back or can’t wait for their kids to go to school. They’re missing it.
I think you should save your response and re-read it when you child is two and three and four years old. I think you will understand then…lol!
Your opinions remind me of a lot of single people, and childless couples who feel they have the right to judge other parents that have already been where you aren’t yet. I will say to you the same things I have [repeatedly] said to them; “Until you have children, you don’t get an opinion”. The same is true for new parents. As your child changes and grows your thought process will as well. You begin to understand exactly what “this mother” is truly saying. I love my son more than anything in this world and I would/have and will do anything for him. The only time we spend apart is when he’s at school. We play games, take trips, read books, go to the park and countless other things. My son gets THE VERY BEST of me, and at the end of the day, as much as I have enjoyed the day, and spending time with my 5 1/2 year old son, time I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world, I AM EXHAUSTED!!! and we parents need that bedtime for us to unwind and relax, because at the end of the day, after we’ve been a horse for them to ride on, a hide and seek partner, a fellow construction worker while building new homes, a seamstress for barbie’s clothes, a hair dressers assistant and the list goes on, it’s at that bedtime when I get to be me and watch “grown up” tv but most importantly, that bedtime is what makes it possible for me to get up the next day and do it all again.
So I say to you, before you judge us, wait a few years and then read this blog again, read your comments again because only then will a new parent such as yourself be able to understand.
FYI – it took me 7 years to have my son, I’ve been through it all and yet you still sit there and feel justified to publicly attack those of us that agree with this mothers thoughts.
Give it time honey, you will too.
In all fairness, Trysh, you could also be the old lady writing your exact statement to G about judging too soon. Each of us are only as experienced as our experiences. I’m here playing both sides, but I sometimes pray that I am senile enough when I am older (or even right now) to only remember the greatness of parenting…in fact, I am banking on it – for sanity sake.
Wow, you are a terrorist. You’re doing exactly what she’s talking about…sheesh! I think she’s expressing hard times and being open and also looking at all of the blessings and good times. I’m like you and had to wait to have my child, but are you seriously saying it’s not hard? Good for you, if your life is really that easy and blissful. Don’t terrorize others (not just her, but the rest of us who are grateful to feel a bit of humanity from this post.) Seriously, I hope you fine some peace. Give us some space! Go read another blog!
I’m sorry, I’m confused. are you calling me ‘a terrorist’ because I’m passionate or katherine? did I offend you in some way? I never said it was easy.
uh, no…sorry, new to this post thing…just messed it up, I think. I was speaking to Katherine. (and took back some of the harshness after thinking about it a little more. Sorry.
Nope. Thought I was posting a separate comment, sorry!
Alright, I’m thinking back and I’m sorry I was so harsh. I know that your pain is real, too, and I know the pain of endometriosis and infertility (or worry about fertility). It seems that you have prepared for the life you want to lead and I wish you the best with that. All I’m really wanting to say is that this might not be the space to go there with such judgment.
And, Glennon, there…you got your blogger that you were waiting for…”Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative.” There were others who posted opposing feelings, but with charity and deference. If it were me, this one would slice a little bit but…Move on, sister. Thank you for your post and it’s acceptance and embrace of all potential aspects of parenting.
Hi Alison, please Ignore the last pos.t I wrote it before you responded. I have no hard feelings and i hope you don’t walk away with any either. After all, only one mom truly understands another 🙂
I will say I find it offensive if these comments are directed towards me. You don’t know me, and chances are we will never meet due to the internet but I am a single mom and my challenges are much different than those of a couple. Mine are not worse or more difficult but mine are different. I am the only one who can stand up for my son so I tend to be quite passionate when it comes to being a mom [or dad]. My ex walked away from my son when he was a little over a year. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity or even compassion, what I’m looking for is understanding as to why I am this passionate and am insulted to be “lumped” in to the same category as those that are responsible for devastations like 9/11.
I’m sorry, I know I just wrote something but I went back and re-read YOUR post katherine, and there is an unspoken but clearly understood (by other parents) comment you made about how you waited until you were 30 and made sure you lived your life selfishly before having kids and that’s great that your husband allowed you to do that, BUT just because you waited until you were 30 to have children does not make the rest of us immature or unappreciative or inexperienced because we had them before we were 30. These are the very snide remarks and comments that would get you kicked out of my home never to return.
As a mother I will offer you one, and only one, peice of advice…Be very careful who you voice these opinions to, because you’ll be suprised just how quickly your support team of other mothers will disappear.
Check your ego! get your head out of the sand! and be a mom! No child comes with an instruction manual! The sooner you learn [and remember] that, the greater and stronger your support team will be. One response touched on the pity you feel for us. The truth is katherine, I pity you. It’s like the old saying suggests… “you can’t see the forest because of the trees”
I completely agree that she needs to watch how quickly her team of mother supporters disappear if she continues on with her ego and head in the sand… I have the same sort of “opinionated” and “judgemental” people in my family and circle off friends… Last people I’ll call to do coffee dates or discuss life in general with! So keep on bashing others Katherine… Hope it’s working for ya 🙂
Bless ya, darlin’. I hope your perspective never changes. But I suspect that someday, with a bit more experience of mothering, should you come across this genius post again, you will understand and feel blessed by it. There is just only so long you can hold that kairos moment. I held it too, that whole first year, with my first child. So much so that we jumped into that river of love again when she was only 13 months old and got pregnant right away. So now I have two under four, and I’m in my 40s, a grateful, full-time, stay at home mom who lives life trying to provide for those kairos moments. But the reality is, managing two toddlers is not all moments, and you will get tired. The great blessing of this post is that it moves one more thing–guilt–out of the way to help you keep the ratio of kairos to everything else as strong as possible.
Exactly. Why criticize G for being honest and admitting that parenting is hard and that she doesn’t enjoy every minute? That’s her truth, so why try and lay guilt on her for being honest. It does not mean she isn’t a wonderful woman and mother. I tend to think that the people who criticize these kinds of posts have never parented through a health crisis, like G is doing, or have never parented a special needs child, like I am doing. I don’t want to feel guilty about not loving every second staying home with my boys. That does not mean I am not in wonder and awe of the magical moments that make my days beautiful.
that’s quite the view you have up there on your high horse.
leaving children until you’re ‘done’ being selfish doesn’t work for many people. usually it just makes them ingrained in their selfish ways, therefore too selfish to ever have children and certainly not 3 or 4 children. heaven forbid they should have to sacrifice any of their old lifestyle to accommodate children.
glad your seemingly perfect parenting plan, with your dual income, large house and mother babysitting your child, has worked out for you. clearly people who aren’t as fortunate should just not bother procreating.
don’t judge others who decide that children are worth having, even if they have made different choices in their life. i guarantee that even those moms who have had a challenging day with their kids and counted down the minutes until bed time, still love their kids as much as you love yours.
It’s not about being fortunate. It’s about working your rear-end off for years, at multiple jobs and countless freelance gigs to prepare for a dramatic life shift.
I have no doubt in my mind that most mothers love their children fiercely, and my reply was not about having just having a challenging day, it was very specifically in response to the blogger’s experience. Not yours.
katherine, I know it must appear as though I’m picking on you… but please – for the love of God – stop…. putting your foot.. in.. your mouth!
Once again you have implied that you are better than us. We ALL work hard katherine and some of us have worked hard at 3 or 4 jobs at a time, sometimes at jobs we swore we’d never work. Not everyone’s life turns out the way we planned. I didn’t get married because I thought I’d get divorced just like some single parents didn’t plan to raise their children alone. But we all do what we have to to take care of our children.
You may think you merely voiced an opinion at one “bloggers experience” but the truth is when you attack a parents personal opinion, you offend everyone else that shares that opinion. You need to have a peice of humble pie, before you find yourself eating crow.
Your perspective as a mother does and always will change when something happens that you haven’t thought of or planned for. You may have made the best laid out plans for your life, finances, breaks, help, and support. But as the saying that I have taped to my refridgerator goes, “When I make plans, God laughs.” My plans will start to coincide with His plans when I stop planning and simply listen and live out His will. God never condoned our selfishness prior to reproducing or after. He never said he wanted us to “feel” ready for each step of parenting we encounter. He simply asks us to have faith and use His tools throughout the journey. I laugh along side of God at the planners of the world, and I also weep along side of Jesus for the same reason.
Oh goodness. First of all, congratulations on your baby. Those first months with your first baby really are amazing. I felt the same as you when my oldest was a tiny. I probably would have even had a similar reaction to this blog. Now I’ve got a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a 4 month old. They are all wonderful kids and I am so blessed to be able to stay home with them everyday. To play with them, teach them and watch them grow. I would even love a few more! That being said, there are days when bedtime just can’t come soon enough! Days when it honestly seems like the clock hands are moving backwards for the hour or so before my husband gets home from work. (While I’m trying to pick up the explosion of Legos and those God forsaken Polly Pockets that Grandma keeps buying all over the living room, get dinner on the table for my hard working husband, and play referee in a nerf gun battle, all while nursing a fussy baby.) The suggestion that we somehow don’t love our children as much, or didn’t wait long enough to have them, or whatever is absurd and borderline offensive. I’d hold off on the judgement until you’ve experienced a few more of the wonders of parenting.
@ Katherine-
I agree with everything you said 100% despite all the slams from the other woman toward you. maybe they are trying to justify the mistakes they have made or are making, children should’nt be a chore, only if you make them one. As parents we are here for them to guide them and teach them with love and understanding. If they are running wild in the store it is our responability to correct that. for there own good. you sound like a wonderful mother and should not be critcised for unconditionally loving your son and having patience for him. A mother like you will never change her mind, no matter how many kids you have. I say shame on the woman who have posted anything negative toward yur post about your love for your son.
No shame necessary in G world…read some (lots) of her other posts. or just read the bible…its all the same. Even Jesus showed frustration with the closest thing he had to children, His apostles. He asked them a number of times in many different ways, “How many times do I have to explain this to you?” Maybe frustration is not the right word, but He certainly lived between chronos and kairos worlds. Jesus experienced burdens that He admitted were very challenging as well as joys that inspired celebration.We need to acknowledge both/and all of it to be effective parents. If we can not acknowledge our human weaknesses, then we are either not pushing ourselves hard enough for our Lord, or not making a place in our lives for Him to fill with His mercy, grace, and love.
Oh, sweetie….. well, to start with, probably have no credibility having had my first of 3 kids at age 24, the oldest of which is now 12, but I’ll comment anyway. When she was first born, I thought the same thing. Every parent who looked cross-eyed at their child in the grocery store was evil and clearly not as good a parent as I, who stayed at home and made my infant the center of my world. Now, after being a stay at home for 12 years, I have a very different perspective on life. I cherish and love and sacrifice for my kids. I have structured my world around them- with absolutely zero family support. They don’t go to daycare, and we can’t even afford a babysitter for a night out. So they get taken care of exclusively by their parents, 24-7-365.
It’s easy to cherish the baby days. They aren’t running through the house with dog poo on their shoes over your new carpet. You don’t have to pick through long hair for lice nits for hours a day, weeks on end so they can return to school. You don’t have to suffer the guilt of having a volleyball, football, and t ball game at the same time, with only 2 parents to go around for kid support. You’ve never been on a flight from Disney World with a violently ill child praying that the vomit spray doesn’t get on the poor passenger seated next to you. You’ve never been in the van with small kids going 700 miles away in a snowstorm going 25 miles an hour with no exits in sight. You’ve never lived in a hotel room for 3 months with a family of 5 after a house fire. I could go on, sister, but you get the point.
Your comment reminds me of the old saying “Teenages! Act Fast! Get out of the house while you still know everything!”. I am no longer judgemental of any other moms, because I know I may be seeing them at the worst spot in their day, and that I have had my fair share of un-enjoyable parenting moments.
Any experienced mom who professes to love every single moment of parenting needs to dial back the Prozac and live in the real world. Enjoy your view from the ivory tower when you have it. Your kid will bring you back down with us peons soon enough.
I think you may have missed the point of this particular Blogger’s post. As a mother of four, and as many mothers of multiple children can say, we love and cherish our children dearly. But we can do that AND still look forward to when the day is done and the kids are in bed. Because, as a HUMAN, you need balance. You need YOU. And that is OK. You are enjoying the new bliss with your ONE baby as a new parent. Someday the comical and daily truths of parenting will be realized- when you are exasperated at having cleaned up one mess, and your children have made three more behind you, and also managed to fling a peanut butter sandwich at the ceiling and have it stick. A moment later you’ll be reveling in the chaos that is your daughter, zooming around in her footie pj’s sporting a superhero cape with pink flowers. And then later in the day, you’ll roll your eyes in frustration because your son needs a change, just when you are ready to leave the house. But you’ll do what needs to be done. We all do, and Glennon is saying, like I myself posted once on my own blog, that really- it’s okay not to Seize the Day. Sometimes the day seizes us, and we can be okay with that. We can let go of the guilt- because we are good parents.
I wasn’t sure who I should reply to, I felt that I wanted to say something and when I finally read this post that mentioned balance, I hit reply to drop a few lines.
Life is always about balance, isnt it? Balance = good and happy and healthy? Too much of anything isnt healthy for you, things are good in moderation, whether food or activity or other. It is easier also to appreciate things and people in moderation I think, giving you time to reflect on what you like about them and what makes you happy while you are away from them. Time to miss them. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? I have always felt that the downs make us appreciate the ups, for the ups would not even exist without the downs to rise from! AHow can I truly know what it is to be content or excited or giddy if I had never experienced being disappointed or sad or uncomfortable? Life is such a great mixture of emotions and experiences, and whatever it is we feel at this moment will most certainly change in the next. I am thankful that I have been able to recognise this and to better harness and appreciate those ups!
Is it being judgmental to say that I do not believe it possible for someone to parent children and be happy, smiling, sweet-voiced for every second of the day? The world is not full of perfect people or people who are happy all the time, kids need to learn different emotions and be able to respond to them and undertand them. We are not robots, but humans, and humans are emotional. I dont want my kids to think that mommy is just always happy, because they may feel like they cant be anything but happy, and thats not normal. Is it being judgemental to say that I don’t think it’s possible for a parent to honestly enjoy every single second of every single day? Who enjoys the day spent living in the bathroom caring for two kids with a stomach bug while experiencing the stomach bug yourself? That’s not fun! Migraines aren’t fun with kids! Seeing your kids hit each other isn’t fun! But I push through anything that isnt fun because I KNOW it will not last long and I will arrive soon at another great “up” and will be able to smile again.
I am a stay at home mom to three kids under five, I have worked from home a lot since having children but freelance work has been hard to find lately and a newborn makes it difficult in any sense. In that last four and a half years, I have spent nearly every second of every day caring for at least one child if not two or three. I had children because I wanted to raise them myself, I knew it would be difficult, I came from the social services field where I worked with at risk youth and foster children as well as the parents of all of those children. Life is hard, life with small children is hard, life with teenagers is hard, life caring for elders is hard, it’s all hard work! But equally, each phase of life has rewards that we need to learn to recognise and appreciate! This is what I love about the main post here, she simply recognizes that life is hard and knows enough to appreciate the moments that are to be embraced and enjoyed above all others. Absolutely.
Well this is from the mind of a mother who needs sleep, obviously. Too long with little sleep and even less “quiet” has led to a very disorganized mind. What a jumble of thoughts…..
Katherine,
I just wanted to support you. I’ve never replied to anyone’s blog post before, but I just had to. A friend posted this blog and I, too, was taken aback by the fact that, for example, the author couldn’t wait to send her kids to bed or how some of the commenters love sending their kids to sitters. I also am taken aback at all the other posters who are talking about how “judgmental” you are… they should read their own posts again – maybe they would see how “judgmental” their OWN posts sound.
I am like you, having had fertility problems. I had one ectopic pregnancy and had that tube removed. The next year, I had an ectopic in the other side and had to have it terminated. I am left with scar tissue in that tube and a high probability of another ectopic if we were to just start with Clomid. We recently found that out and that probably the only way we will have a child is if we either (a) spend money we don’t have to adopt or (b) spend $15,000 we don’t have for IVF, which would have about a 50/50 chance of working for our particular test results (higher than the average). I understand your frustration with these women who take having children – and every moment with them – for granted – they haven’t longed and struggled to have children like we have.
Is it hard to be a mom? Absolutely. I have taught and babysat, but I freely admit I have never had a child around me 24/7. I’m sure it’s exhausting. But I would love to feel even the frustrations you all are complaining about. Moreover, my mom had my grandmother raise me, rather than bother to do it herself, so the commenters’ comments about sending their kids to sitters all the time rather reminds me of that… If I were her, I would have never let my child go live with someone else and would have kept her with me, no matter what kind of late nights I had after working that day and how hard it would be to parent after that…
Peace and hugs to you.
I,too, have had and have fertility issues, specifically endometriosis. We tried for years and saved up for IVF. It was unsuccessful.
During this time, I couldn’t imagine how parents could not enjoy every minute. I would happily read the same book twenty times in a row to my friends’ kids. How hard could it be to be woken up once or twice in a night? That was how I thought about it. I babysat children, sometimes taking relatives’ children for entire weekends. It was fun. It wasn’t as much like parenting as I had thought, however.
We adopted a baby through the foster care system, which, you may not be aware, is free. He has brought us countless joy. But some days I am counting the minutes until my husband gets home so I can take a nap or get a break. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him nor that I don’t appreciate the blessing that he is. I will read the same book to him as many times in a row as he wants. I play with his toys with him, and that’s fun too. I’d like to be able to go to the bathroom without an audience. And you can only be sleep deprived for so long before you start getting worn out.
I know my child is a privilege, and that even having waited a long time for him, others have waited longer or are still waiting. I’m not saying he’s a burden or a hindrance. I’d count myself lucky if I got to do it again, and I treasure the moments even when he won’t sleep or when he throws toys. This is still the hardest job I’ve ever had. Nothing is mine anymore.
I hope you get ‘hired’ for this job too. Please don’t think that you have to enjoy every minute of it though.
sorry that got a bit long. I don’t know why but I guess I felt like I needed to overexplain. My point was that I have felt something similar to what you might be feeling, but I still think it’s okay to be frustrated with parenthood. I do appreciate every minute, I just don’t necessarily enjoy every one.
I agree with some of the other posters…… you really aren’t in a posistion to judge, as your situations are very different. Having a second child is more than twice the work, let alone a third child! You now have three to keep track of while doing your grocery shopping instead of one, you have three to entertain and keep from melting down instead of one… etc. It is just so different. This mother loves her children and so do I, but I’m telling you that some days I cannot wait for bedtime to get my sanity back. I didn’t have that feeling nearly as much when I only had one child as I do now with more. Give her a break.
Katherine,
Thanks for posting your reply. You’re going to receive a bunch of whiny, defensive responses I’m sure. I happen to agree with you and feel for you as well. Comparing child raising to climbing a mountain I think is ridiculous. I don’t know what other women perceive the experience to be before they are in it, but parenting NEVER ends. You never reach the ‘mountain peak.’ Once a parent you are a parent until the end of your days. Also I am sure the husband’s boss is not telling her husband to seize his software selling moments because software is not the same thing as a child. I cannot recall, as a younger parent, being told nearly as often as to enjoy the moments. Maybe that is because, like you, I seem to have a different perspective on what it means to be a parent than the majority of readers of this blog. Perhaps mothers being reminded of this constantly are being told so because, through experience, it’s obvious to the older women that they have become caught up in the wrong things, cannot get their frustrations comfortably under control and are maybe in a little over their heads.
Aly you are only one of many that have mentioned about “comparing child raising to climbing a mountain”. The truth is though, the intended analogy is lost in translation.
Some people have children for the sake of having children, there are others that see them as tax write offs. Those people make me sick but those people are out there.
This is where the analogy comes into play. Some people climb mountains simply so they can say “I did that”. The same is true of children. I do not agree with that but I do acknowledge it exists, sad as it may be.
No one will ever look back on their life and say “I wish I’d spent more time at work” rendering your software analogy moot.
The other point I must acknowledge is your complete arrogance towards the “older women that…have become caught up in the wrong things, cannot get their frustrations comfortably under control and are maybe in a little over their heads”. We all know parenting NEVER stops and how dare you accuse those of us with an opposing view to yours as being out of control.
I am passionate about not only my son but also every child and every mother that raises their children. Those of us that have opposing opinions to yours does not mean we are “whiny and defensive”, we are mothers and as a mother I would never tell another mother how to raise her children but I will not hesitate to tell another mother where to go if she tries to tell me how to raise mine.
There’s more to life than being right Aly, and like katherine, perhaps you too need to take a long hard look in the mirror and realize those “whiny and defensive…older women” might just have worthwhile advice to offer the new and naive parents that need assistance but aren’t willing to admit to it. The sad thing is that by the time you realize you need it, chances are it’ll be too late. Please heed the preceding statement as a warning. Everyone needs help, that’s why these blogs exist, so maybe if you don’t want the help you shouldn’t read the blog.
Katherine, you have no idea what most women experience! You have a grandparent care for your child while you work… so you don’t see the child for most of 5 days a week. it’s easy to be calm and thoughtful and all when you don’t see the kid for 40 hours out of each week!! I bet Grandma cleans, cooks, does laundry and all too!! And I’d say that 99.9% of parents don’t have live-in help in a big house with both parents with good jobs!! YOU are the one who doesn’t live in reality! I find YOUR comments so unreal as to be gibberish! Live in the real world where most parents live and then I’d listen to you.
here here 🙂 now if only she (and others like her) would stop putting their fingers in their ears (like children do) and listen. They might just realize we’re not just blowing smoke.
My sister just had her first and only now is she slowly starting to see what I’ve been trying to tell her all these years.
Most moms are “on” every second of every day and night of every week of every year. All moms need breaks. Some wait for bedtime to get their break, others take their children to the sitter’s or Grandma. Others may not agree with this but mother’s need to take breaks to refuel, replenish and to be better moms.
I know the pain of wanting and losing (many more than once). I love my three children more than anything. But if I don’t get breaks to fill up, I can’t give out with the time, energy, patience and tenderness they deserve.
And the reason her post hit home with so many is that we get this, we understand the journey is hard and we wouldn’t give it up for the world, but it’s still hard and harder still with no rest to reflect. To make it better tomorrow. And we feel guilty about this. We feel guilty about taking the rest we need and being lost in the day of tantrums, diapers, feedings, playing, errands and various bodily fluids. She is pointing out that we need to look for those moments in the chaos that help replenish us and keep us going to be the best moms we can be.
Dearest G, Thank you for your real life writings! I know a ton of people have replied already and if you made it to read one more, I wish to say, “thank you.” I really, so very much, needed to read this! I hadnt seen your blob before, but a friend of mine sent it to me. I have added your blog to my favorites. Thank you again! Sincerely, Sherra (Thankfully blessed and married to hubby of 11 years and SAHM of 1 and 3 yr old)
I have 5 kids ages 3 and under (yes, you read that correct). One of them a newborn – 3 weeks. I read this post this morning and I cannot tell you how much it blessed me! I sooo want to enjoy every second of motherhood. I want to! I want to! But sometimes, I just dont. It’s hard work. This post has made me realize my Kairos moments and hold onto them. This is my favorite post on motherhood that I have ever read. Thank you. Definintely linking back to this!!!
God Bless you Mary-Lindsey! May you have an abundance of Kairos moments!!
A great discussion. Another blog I wrote about imperfect mothers trying to make the most of the time they have with their children: http://lessonslearnedineverydayliving.blogspot.com/2012/01/time-is-worth-more-than-money.html
Thank you so much for this. I have two young children 16 months and 4 months. Both who were colic and both very active day in and day out. My husband works a lot to make ends meet and during my days I just try to make it through. Most days I can’t even begin to try and relax until 9pm. I agree with you 100%. I wouldn’t change it for anything but it’s not easy.
I believe what you say… but having 2 older kids, and then a 6 years gap with the baby brings me another perspective… there are MANY times in the day when I find myself fascinated and adoring them…and the joy, the every single second joy of having the baby has also made me love the different stages my older boys are going through. It’s not easy, it’s tiring per sure and parenting is like climbing Mount Everest, or maybe as hard as giving birth, it’s intense, but it doesn’t make it less amazing. So, yes, the reminder of carpe diem is good for me, I actually don’t need anybody to tell me that, because I know, time goes too quickly and just by looking at my kiddos I know I like to treasure every moment. Thanks for sharing, I will try to remember to be more helpful for those moms who may not feel that way all the time.
I feel the need to apologize… I would definitely be one of those old ladies with my hand over my heart in the grocery store–or at Target. But the last time I said “enjoy them while you have them;they grow so fast” has now become the last time I will ever say it. I say it because parenting is hard, and it is honorable, and it is the most important job I will ever do. I say it because when I was done parenting, I suddenly felt empty, like I had lost my compass… you hit it right on the nail when you said we are nostalgic and have selective memory. So I am sorry; I hope I never was one of the old ones, but I also want to thank you for the inspiration… I’m looking for the look of shock on the distracted mom’s face when the sounds begin to solidify, and she realizes I just paid the groceries, and she can respond to the child who has slipped under the grocery cart and is prying the gum off the linoleum with a look of adventure in her eye 🙂
Ah Sandra … so sweetly written!
Beautifully written. Thank you for keeping it real!
Yours,
A kindred spirit 🙂
The other night was bath night. My 5 year old refused to get undressed. When finally undressed, she refused to use the potty. After she finally went potty, she refused to get in the shower. Once in the shower, she didn’t want to get out. I was exhausted and growing more and more frustrated with the nights events. I sat in the bathroom for a few minutes to give both of us a break. I wrapped the towel around her and lifted her out of the tub. As I was drying her hair, I looked straight into her eyes, and saw my beautiful girl. I felt like I really saw her, in a kairos kind of way. I was over come by her existence , and by how lucky I am to be able experience being her mother. All of my frustration melted away, and I kissed her on the forehead and told her how much I love her. Those moments are amazing. Thank you for naming them for me.
Don’t you love those moments? My favorite bittersweet moments of the day are when I am desperately trying to get my 4 yr old son to fall asleep, and I am so frustrated I can’t see straight because he won’t lay down and quit talking. And then suddenly he will say, Mom? And in my frustration I will bark out “What?!?” in response. And he will simply say, “I like you” And all my frustration melts away and I find myself smiling and in love with my “baby” again.
THANK YOU!!!! You have stated so eloquently EXACTLY how I feel most days!
I actually laughed out loud the part about heaving the little old ladies off the mountain… 😉
Thank you so much for writing this and making us Warriors feel like we’re the wonderful mommies that we are! <3
Carry on Warrior!
You are an amazing writer and I SO needed to read this tonight. Have the flu, hubby at work, and my 2 boys were little hellions today but as I put them to bed and smelled their sweet heads none of that mattered. I was grateful for that few minutes of peace and quiet with each of them. I am glad I am not the only one who feels panicky at not enjoying EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of parenting.
Hey Glennon- so I love your honesty and how you tell it like it is! I totally agree with everything you said and I don’t think you are negative at all, just real. It’s reassuring to hear that other moms have the same feelings I do:-)
Here is my question. If mothers are feeling this way most days, why have more children? I’m confused by the need or desire to have children and then state that the job is to hard. We all had and have choices. For me once the choice is made then I may as well focus on enjoying it the best that I can.
Why ask that question. Mothers are making these statements clearly because we have been feeling guilty that we aren’t enjoying every waking moment. The blogger’s point was that she came to a point where she is okay not to feel guilty. That we have our children because of those moments of light. The job IS hard. But we still desire children. End of story- it’s not a one or the other kind of thing. The writer and most of these mothers aren’t saying they don’t enjoy it. It’s messy, it’s crazy, it’s frustrating, it’s endearing, it’s joyful, it’s an adventure. And it’s okay to have a hard day when you are grateful for bedtime. It’s just the realness of being a parent.
and to add to what Jackie just pointed out….the yearning for another is not always a choice we consciously make. It’s not always based in reality. The yearning doesn’t care if it’s already chaos. The yearning just is and sometimes cannot rationally be explained away.
[…] 2011 Lesson #2: Don’t Carpe Diem – https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ […]
Way to be REAL! (I often believe those Mommies who insist they endulge in every single moment are either liars or high on something more than life!) Way to be true to the bloody sport of Motherhood! I Love when people say something like “Well, it’s different when they’re your own children – Parebting will come easily to me, etc….” to that wild assumption I say “No…It won’t be different when they’re your own! The only difference is your obligation under God and Law!!!” hahahaha!
With baby #2 on the way, it makes me grimace when someone replies to my daily gripes about my stubborn 3 year old with “….Then why are you having another?” well… I like to think of raising a child like I enjoy a big Italian Dinner! Sometimes all that lovely greasy, heavy decodence causes you great discomfort at the end of the meal….But that DOESN’T mean you didn’t enjoy it to the hilt and probably want to go back for more the moment your antacid kicks in!” It’s a theory that’s hard to explain to most but it is what it is and I’m looking forward to meeting this new baby ALMOST as much as I’m looking forward to him sleeping through the night! Carpe De Noche’ is MY MOTTO girly!
I LOVED your Bio & Blog! I will be reposting promptly!!!
I could totally relate and I think you capture the reality of parenthood: the joys and the many, many challenges that are present in our daily lives. Thanks for the post!
Loved this blog post. You are sooooo right!! I have three small boys and I loved hearing your word because they spoke to my heart in so many ways. And, I loved your advice on what to say to a young mother. I think I will use that myself when I see another mother in the store next time. Thank you for your words. I am now following your blog and look forward to hearing more from you.
Thank you!! This article was just what I needed today. : )
Thanks, Glennon. Your prior post and this one remind me that we are only human, and that while probably most of us exult in our families, we should not berate ourselves for not always being able to appreciate every SINGLE moment and situation. Sometimes, in fact, the awful ones make the sweet ones all the sweeter. 🙂
For those who might bristle at the message, if you keep reading the blog (future posts and archived), I think you might get the whole picture — that this blog, and life, is about the WHOLE, holy picture…the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. I appreciate that you can put some of this into words for us, Glennon! Life and family are never to be taken for granted. Most of us must have first-hand (or at least second-hand) experience with tragedies that can befall us, and we will never, ever take a moment for granted. However, it doesn’t mean that we are rejoicing in EACH of those moments! 😉 Sometimes, in the very trying moments, or those after the kids go to sleep that I lament I didn’t quite get it right, I am so thankful that there is a TOMORROW, to try again. 🙂
This is wonderful. Thanks so much for recording and publishing this. We all need to hear it sometimes, even though we *are* so grateful and glad to have our little (and big) ones. It’s nice to be given permission to be realistic. Parenting is hard. Thanks for sharing. Just found your blog, and I’m glad!
[…] We went on a big grocery shopping outing this afternoon – 2 grocery stores and 2 other errands with a mother and son from China along for journey. Jedidiah and Lilia were very patient despite quite a bit of waiting. In the car we were talking about how tonight would be Sabbath, and Jedidiah said in a sweet voice, “Sabbath is the best holiday, because it comes every week!” Ahhh….moments like those remind me of my deep love for my son and encourage me as a mother. (See a great post on kairos moments here.) […]
Glennon, please do yourself a favor and listen to those old ladies. Why do you think it is that ALL of us mothers have had that same thing said to us multiple times? Are these old ladies senile? NO, they are wiser than us… they know something we don’t.
Just like it’s hard work to lose weight or to quit smoking, it’s hard work to learn to live in the moment and “Seize the Day.” It takes effort, and practice. Please do yourself a favor and practice… you don’t want to live with regret, I promise you.
Starting tomorrow, promise to devote 15 minutes a day to being in Kairos. Get on the floor, and watch, wrestle, tickle, play, laugh…. make the moment, don’t wait for it to happen. Don’t answer the phone, don’t clean anything, don’t answer a text…. The more you practice, the more you’ll start noticing things that you missed before.
I have learned to find the magic in those crazy moments that make others pity me because i know that one day I will look at a mother of three trudging through the grocery store and my heart will smile.
Andrea
THIS cracked me up…. I will do this one day:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Thank-you. Well said. I have never felt the need to react to the women who say these things to me. I feel the way you do, but I let them have their reminiscences – for the most part, that’s what their comments are all about, having nothing really to do with me, or what kind of parent I am. But I have wondered if I am doing a good enough job – not just of parenting, but of life in general – if I am not enjoying myself at least most of the time. In fact, I’ve felt enough pressure around that sentiment that I selected REJOICE as a word to focus on this year. It can’t hurt to try to rejoice a little more in the glorious things that happen, as you say, when we take the time to stop and see them. I appreciate your post though, because it helps me to remember that while rejoicing more where there are things to be joyful about makes sense, reacting in natural ways to the things that aren’t so great is no failure.
Beautiful essay. I am going back to work in two weeks after being home with my son for the last 12 weeks as well as being able to spend so much more time with my 3 1/2 year old who, in retrospect, has grown up too quickly.
I wish all my day were filled with Kairos moments, as they have been in these last few weeks, but I worry that once back at work, they are going to be taken over by the Chronos moments.
Thank you for reminding me to “carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.” Hoping and praying I can do so! 🙂
Thank you for sharing this. I have bookmarked it and plan to read it often to remind me how I should really be enjoying this thing called motherhood. It took so much of the guilt and made it into something to enjoy and be okay with if you aren’t enjoying it. You have changed my heart. Just because it’s hard doesn’t mean I’m doing it wrong, can’t do it, shouldn’t do it, or shouldn’t do more. Thank you!!!!
Awesome post! Thank you for sharing.
Wow! I loved this blogpost. Every single sentence. I laughed and cried and laughed and cried all over again. I just had my third child (and my oldest is 3 1/2), AND we’re hoping for more (eventually). I feel like this often and I appreciate your encouragement to ackowledge those kairos moments. I know exactly what you mean and now, thanks to you, I have a word for them. Thank you for writing this; it’s been a blessing.
Thank you for bravely speaking the truth. I’m a little farther down the road in parenting: an (almost) 16 yr. old and a 12 yr. old. And the truth is, even though the situations are different, parenting is still TOUGH. And yet, as you said, we get to have those amazing moments when we see our kids through the eyes of “outside of time”…and feel so completely blessed by the incredible people they are.
Thanks again. This was a beautiful post!
Thank you so much for writing this! I feel like you took my feelings and put them out there exactly as I feel them. Although I love my son and would do anything for him, to say I enjoy every minute is certainly a stretch. At the same time, there are some magical moments when I realize I am exactly where I need to be in that moment, and everything is perfect.
I just found a new blog to follow:) Nice to meet you, Glennon. Sandi
I AM one of those ladies telling you how fast time goes so enjoy it….I will stop today. Thanks for this post. As a mom of five now adult children, I guess I have just forgotten the trying times-kind of like birthing, I guess! You moms are doing wonderful things in the face of so many frightening issues-so embrace your joy in anticipating bedtime. I get it…
I know I know I know. But we old ladies are so longing for those delicious days of young children. And sometimes we just want to connect, just for a moment. Excuse us.
This is very kind.
Thanks for the thoughts. Parenting is hard. I’m a dad of little ones right now, and I remind myself to “enjoy every moment”. There are plenty of Mt. Everest climbing moments where I wonder if I’ll keep it together, but I’m constantly aware of the unstoppable growth of my little kiddos. I love watching them grow up and advance, but I know they will never be this young again, this pure, this impressionable, this-however they are. God bless and thanks for your thoughts. Parenting is a mix of intense, loving appreciation—and boot camp.
Thank you for this. As an adoptive mom of 2 toddlers (finalized in Dec.) this article is such a breath of fresh air. Kids have been living with us since last Jan. and we spent a LOT of time with them before that. Sometimes it seems like people think I shouldn’t be complaining at all b/c after all we waited so so long (6 years) for these kids so we should just be happy every moment and never dare complain. I was venting to my mom one day recently and she actually texted “This is what you wanted.” It’s nice to know that adoptive parents aren’t the only ones who get looks or catch flack for being human, and exhausted and frustrated and voicing those feelings. I have heard the “Enjoy it. They grow up so fast” line about a zillion times this year so I totally get it. I will try to step out of “chronos” more and let “kairos” help put things into perspective more often.
[…] Original post from Momastery […]
You make great points here! I think that often the reason people tell parents to “appreciate every moment” is that they are, themselves, regretting not having been able to appreciate every moment with their own kids. Which is, as you say, not really possible anyhow. But I can understand looking back wistfully at your children’s younger years and wishing you had been able to appreciate it a bit more at the time — so you share that “wisdom” with the parents of young kids you meet now. Really, the more helpful thing to say would probably be, “Even though it’s hard to appreciate every moment of parenting, I’m sure you are doing a great job.”
THANK YOU for this! I am the mother of 4 ( 14, 4, 2 and 6 months) I am so glad someone else feels the same way I do!
It has been interesting to read the comments. I have 9 kids. 7 biological, 2 adopted from foster care. One died as a baby from Trisomy 13 and heart problems. One is now living on her own. I have 7 at home, 11 and under. I also have 2 siblings adopted from Guatemala. Oh, and I homeschool. My family pretty much covers the gauntlet.
I love my kids, but parenting is hard work, it is exhausting. There is a difference between the comments made in love and the snippy, looking-down-their nose comments. This particular comment can fall into either category.
I loved it because it’s real in saying that we won’t love every moment. And that’s okay! I would love to have more time with my baby who died, but I know there would have still been difficult days. On my checks and on my wall, I have a saying, “The days may be long, but the years are short, Cherish each one.” It reminds me to find SOMETHING to cherish and love about every day, but it won’t be everything, every day.
Nicely said.
Fantastic, thank you. Almost makes me feel brave enough to have #2! (Yes, some of us are more cowardly than others).
And I definitely think of that expression “these are the longest days of the shortest years of our lives.”
Thanks.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty. I’ve always wanted to put these very same thoughts into words just never knew how to phrase it. You are a mom after my own heart!
Thanks. I needed this today.