Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy every second, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
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2,618 Comments
Thank you for this post!!! I cried. You have relieved some of the guilt I feel about looking forward to the end of the day–or the end of the terrible 3’s (I have twin girls). God bless you! I will share this with many!
Wow — your thoughtful post says EXACTLY the words I’ve been unable to articulate. A wise and wonderful mom friend told me recently that mothering means “long days and short years” — chronos and kairos, for sure. Thanks for a beautiful post. *Subscribing to your blog now and looking forward to reading more*
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Not only did this completely ring true to me – my ‘children’ are 26, 21 and 13 and I only now look back and think how great some of our times were – I was a single mum for some of the time and it was very difficult, juggling university, work, childcare, money and space. But when I look back there were laughs and singing. But I am also sitting here with tears streaming down my face because I didn’t appreciate them at the time. I cannot express in words how much I love my (now) husband and girls and how they make my life worthwhile – and how difficult it still is. Thank you for showing me this!
2 children , first adopted at 10months, second at 3… Everyone was concerned about how much I missed with my second one. Well, of course I didn’t get a say in the matter, so it is what it is… But I wanted sing at the top of lungs… He came to us already potty trained!!!! Able to feed himself!!! Just saying, I nearly wept with joy and if I could hug his foster mom in china I would.
Lol! I had 4 2 years apart each one
They are all teenagers now
I am so glad! Every time I see someone with ypung kids I tell them ‘it gets easier!’
I can understand a lot of your post and where you’re coming from. But as a mom that’s suffered through too many years of infertility and had my miracle of life be stripped to skin and bones by cancer, I do appreciate pretty much every moment. Not in a way that says ‘yay! do that again’ when my daughter is dumping juice on new carpet. But in a way that says I’m thankful for each moment and each day that I have additional to the now with my children. In a way that says we never know what the next minute will bring and in an instant, your lives can be changed forever. Each day, I pray that I don’t loose my child and that his cancer doesn’t strike back. Each day I pray that there won’t ever be a day that I long to see his face, even if he isn’t having a good day. I don’t write this to guilt anyone, it’s just that I’ve probably said before to enjoy each moment to someone. And I say that with knowledge because you never know what will be coming next and some of the annoyances of today you might yearn for tomorrow. When my child was in treatment, he stopped talking, he stopped trusting. He wouldn’t answer or respond to our words. He’d just stare into space as all the life was sucked out of him. He didn’t trust, didn’t have any joy or life. At in those moments, I would’ve begged for any kind of action. I pleaded to have my little 4 year old boy back to his normal self. Now, I still get frustrated, still have bad days and not so stellar moments. So I understand in many ways but I also always have that voice in the back of my head that gives me this up front knowledge to appreciate that they are alive and healthy. I’m sure you are an incredible mother but I just wanted to share the perspective of someone that’s ‘guilty’ of saying that the journey is incredible and not to take it for granted too much and find ways to enjoy the moments.
I’m sitting here at work CRYING! While I enjoyed this post and understand a lot of the points she was making…I too was thinking the whole time what a struggle it has been to even become a mother of my 15mo old. I also am infertile and struggled for so long to become the mother I dreamed of being and in 2010 God brought us our daughter HOPE…who we adopted at birth. I think people who don’t have IF issues or people who don’t know what it’s like to lose or almost lose a child will never understand that EVERY moment is a precious gift..even those ones where we are frustrated and on the verge of tears. I go to bed every night thanking God for my daughter and I try to live each day in the moment and to remember that I’m a mom because someone trusted me enough to allow me to adopt her baby and I’ll NEVER take that for granted! My daughter makes me laugh EVERY day and the “kairos” moments we have are by far more engrained in my memory then the “oops she just pooped up her back and all in her bed” kinda moments. Motherhood is AWESOME!
I have the “If issues” and I still have a very hard time stopping to “smell the roses”. I totally get how this woman feels and because I struggled for so long and struggled through so many tears it makes me feel like I am under double the pressure to enjoy every little moment that happens throughout the day. It makes me feel double the guilt that I dont feel warm fuzzies all day. LOVE THIS POST!
I lost a baby girl to an umbilical cord accident, and I agree with this. She was our fourth child; our other children were 3, 2, and 1 at the time. It broke our hearts & losing her has changed all of those “moments” that used to be so annoying to me. Yes, now I am thankful for every moment (even the screaming ones) because it is a moment that we are together, and my child is alive.
I believe the goal for each of us is to find more kairos moments within our chrono days. You are an amazing mom and your son is lucky to have you!
After six rounds of fertility treatments and two surgeries, my husband and I decided adoption was a good option for us. We were blessed to adopt twins, a boy and a girl. We were at the hospital when they were born. A lot of miracles took place for us to get those babies the biggest being one birthmama’s willingness to sacrifice part of her heart so we could be parents to her precious babies. That first year of my new motherhood is by far the hardest year of my life to date. I literally never slept. There was always a baby in my arms. If I got sick it last three times as long because my immune system was down from my lack of sleep. Being that sleep deprived turned me into an emotional mess. Was I grateful for every moment of it, No! But, I was grateful every day for my chance to be a mother.
I don’t think admitting that sometimes raising these two little ones is hard means I am ungrateful for the miracle of being their mama. I quite often have friends complain to me about hard pregnancy is and I admit to being bothered by it at one point in my life, but the truth is my not being able to birth babies naturally, does not make living next to the toilet while they puke for eight months, something they should feel blissfully grateful for.
I completely agree with you. You have chosen the gift of appreciation and gratitude. Some people have so much and have suffered so little real loss that they think a mess on the floor or a tough shopping trip with whiney children is incredibly challenging. i liked the article overall, and I loved the two types of time…very true and thought-provoking…but the criticism of older women sharing in the loveliness of her children and warning that it goes so fast is really mean-spirited. I have said this to moms and many said it to me when my 17 year old was under 5…I often see moms smiling at my son and I and I know they are remembering and I find this a bonding thing among women, not an admonishment to enjoy every moment…strange… Wishing you many days of joy with your child and for your health to remain good and your body strong.
Agreeing with KM, Sarah, We dealt with infertility too, and our daughter died (after a sudden illness, as a toddler).
If you haven’t lost a daughter or son or haven’t been close to losing them, it’s nearly impossible to understand how it changes everything.
It doesn’t make everyday easy (my oldest has special needs, and I have some chronic health problems, we homeschool…lots of work to be done). There are many hard moments. But the complaints I have shouldn’t be directed to my children. They are just doing their jobs, and they need lots of help. It’s a pet peeve of mine when people complain about their kids normal behavior on facebook.
Oh yes!! I have cringed and felt guilty and worried when people have said this to me and now I know why. Your post is so freeing for me! Thank you
Oh baby, I needed that reassurance so badly. I want to share so much how challenging these first 5 months of my son’s life have been (resigned my job, husband got new job in new state, new house, new life), but feel guilty for even thinking it because of the sentiments you described. I am grateful (so very very very grateful) because I know each of those things are unbelievable blessings, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t hard. Anyway, thank you. If I could give you a hug (and probably cry on your shoulder for a minute while I was there), I would. Carry on warrior, and blessings be on you even in the chronos.
If I had a nickel every time I got “You have YOUR hands full” I would be very rich! Really! When people give their 2 cents, I wish they would REALLY give me 2 cents! Every time I go out with my 4 girls (which is every time I go out), I get the hands full remark. I am most baffled at trying to determine if this is a compliment or complaint. I think the remark is strategically designed to be ambiguous…I dont really care as long as you give me a nickel for the entertainment of my amazing juggling ability. Hands full…hmmmmm
We have four children (10, 7, 3, 3), and I get the “hands full” line nearly every time we’re out. Even if I’m not enjoying the particular moment I just smile and say “happily so,” which gets me through the interaction AND reminds me that I am mostly happy to be here in this stage.
I get the “hands full” comment all the time and I only have two! And it’s always said while I’m wearing one on my back and pushing the other in the stroller…and many times while drinking my chai–so my usual reply is to wave both hands in the air and say, “No I don’t!” 🙂
I really needed this today – thank you so much! In the middle of 3 year old insanity/tantrums, and laundry up to my ears – a kitchen that NEVER stays clean, and diner never planned ’till last minute… then I stopped folding clothes for 30 seconds to watch my 10 year old son cuddle up with my 3 year old and read a book. And he softly leaned over and kissed her cheek as she “read” to him. Kairos. Those moments are beautiful… many others make me want to run out of the house screaming until I am finally alone 🙂
Oh honey!! God love you for writing this!! What an encouragement this was to me!! Thank you!!
Thank you for your very real post! It brought tears to my eyes… I love my kiddo’s,but as a homeschooling mom of five; well it is hard and difficult. You captured the emotions and depth of the reality of motherhood. And yes, I want to have another child because I recognize the gifts from God that they are; but it does not take away from the fact that parenting is a hard job. Awesome post…
WOW WOW WOW THat was beautiful writing! The way you used “carpe” and “diem” in the sentences had me laughing out loud! Thankful for insight such as this! Good job warrier!
When I am told “it goes by so fast”, I think about how I have a teenager and a toddler in my house right now – at the same time. And two darling daughters in-between. Having all four stages right now – toddler, elementary, middle school, and high school – I can tell you exactly what goes by fast: the few years they actually LIKE you, think you’re smart, cool, and amazing. THAT goes by fast – then they start to grow away from you, and onto their own amazing life… I love them all! Thank you for your blog, you are a wonderful writer and you spoke a truth so many of us feel daily.
I don’t LIVE STRONG – I Love Big and LIVE TIRED! http://www.livetired.net 🙂
God bless you. Thank you for sharing this. That “encouragement” always bugged me too.
YES. All of it. Yes.
I needed this today! Thank you 🙂
I’m sitting here in Delhi, still sick with a headcold, after having a full week of chronos-both kids, 3 & 5, up every night at 3am, no sleep for me, clothes piling up everywhere-sick and tired. Then I was trying to get the 5yo dressed, she’s wriggling, I scream and say fine do it yourself! Then I come back two minutes later and peep in her door, she’s pulling on her tights, turtleneck, pants and a dress, face determined and I am seized by a sweet moment of kairos, proud she can do it all herself. Then the whole week seems a little calmer, I feel like ok we will all survive and then I had two minutes to myself, read this and felt like you captured it all. So I cried and it unblocked my nose enough for me to blow and now I really love you! Thanks for keeping it real for all of us. Beautifully written. I’ll be passing this along to some sisters AND brothers.
I loved this post. So very true!!
A dad’s point of view: I think in a way you’ve missed the point, which, to be honest, everyone does until their kids actually get a little older. The problem you have when your kids are small is that you think you know where the “finish line” or at least the inflection points of when they change into different people will be. You think “Oh, I still have 3 more years ’til he starts school” or “Oh, I still have 8 more years ’til he’s a teenager” or “Oh, I have 13 more years ’til he leaves home”. But the reality is that they change and become a series of different people on their own schedule and you never know when one of those transitions will happen, because they are truly different for every child. And you really do suddenly wake up one day and realize your child is a different person and that the one you knew yesterday is gone forever. The grief you feel at that moment is what those little old ladies are talking about and want you to be prepared for. Heaven forbid you should miss one of those stages completely because of the daily madness. These transformations happen many times during childhood and you never really see them coming. So “carpe diem” and “enjoy every moment” are not as cliched and eye-roll-worthy as they sound — they just mean that you should recognize each of those unique, wonderful stages your children go through and avoid the regret of having missed one.
really? can’t you just let her and many other moms have a moment without trying to ruin it with your “let me teach you something” attitude! it’s just a blog about feelings and emotions!! can’t you just let it be? if you want to blog about someone who doesn’t know the real intent of “Seizing the Moment,” you can go off on your own and do that, but give me a break. stop judging, preacher man!!
Bitter much? 🙂
I have to agree with you Gary. Even though my daughter’s only 6, I’ve already experienced that shock of waking up one morning to realize that there are certain things I will never be able to experience with her again. She changes a little bit each week; some parts of her personality are pruned and other parts grow.
I think it’s actually harder for my husband, though, because there were so many moments of her first 4 years that he did miss because he was traveling for his job. He’d come home from a week away and say “When did she start doing that?” or “She used to love that, what happened?” Now that he’s a stay-at-home dad and I’m working full-time, the position has been reversed, and he’s the one seeing the daily changes. I know his desire to adopt another child is, in large part, born from that grief he experiences, and a desire to ease that sadness.
Being older parents, and knowing that she is going to be our only child, has made both of us more aware of enjoying the little moments. We’ve both been very aware, from the moment we decided to try to have a baby, that there were no second chances. As she’s grown, and her personality and strength have blossomed, we’ve adopted an underlying belief that has made our parenting struggles a little easier — we are not raising a child; we are raising an adult. Traits that can be irritating in a child (persistence, out-spoken, high energy, curiosity, a memory like an elephant) are traits that will serve her well as an adult. The image of what we want for our adult child is always in the back of our minds, and it means that we allow her a lot more leeway than we had as children. And I think having that image of her as an adult also allows us to remember that our time with her is short – she will grow up and go her own way. There will be moments of sadness when she is grown, of course, but hopefully we will also remember that parenting was the hardest challenge we’ve ever faced, individually or as a couple.
I was never a fan of the Carpe Diem set. I’m more of a Haec olim meminisse juvabit sort of mom. And while I love all my kids madly, I haven’t cried over the ones who have grown up and moved away.
Glennon… I don’t know what to say about how I feel about your blog. A friend of mine linked to this article this evening, and I liked the name of the blog so I clicked over. This isn’t even something that I particularly struggle with, but yet it’s something we all struggle with. This blog made me want to read all of your blogs, and I made it my mission tonight to read what I could. I want to go to the beginning and read and read and read. Something in your writing speaks to a part of me that I struggle with. I’m a very angry person with a lot of left over hurt and bitterness that I can’t get past. I am in therapy right now because I am destroying my marriage and myself and I hate it. Your writing feels like a cool cream over my chapped skin. It soothes me, makes me feel whole. Like someone out there can hear inside of me. Do you have a suggestion on how I can get to older posts? Thank you!
There’s a link called archives. Also you can click on one of the topics and you will be linked to several older posts.
You made me laugh and cry. thank you.
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Thank you.
Glennon, I think I love you to Kairos and back…:)
Ha! “CARPE DIEM CRAIG!!” That’s brilliant.
As a single gal and writer who is inundated (and bored) with an overload of mom blogs, I found this post utterly refreshing. THIS HONESTY reaffirms my desire to have kiddos of my own one day. Thank you for writing this.
Absolutely awesome! Well done sister, well done.
G, my folks are up with us this week celebrating my little one’s birthday, and I read this post and was cackling insanely while my mom was near by. As I read excerpts to her, I could barely get the words out I was laughing so hard. Love it. Then, I read her the meat and bones and found myself in tears. Kairos time. Amen.
The blog looks terrific! Welcome home G and all us Monkees.
Love it!!!! My sentiments exactly.
This quote needs to be printed out and put on wallet sized cards for all new moms to keep in their purses. They should be handed out in the hospitals at delivery:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Thank you! I almost spit some wine out when I read it. LOVE it.
I love this post! I have missed you during the holiday hiatus. And I love what future you will say to a mom waiting in line! Made me laugh out loud! Thanks and Happy New Year!
Thank you SOOOOOOO much!
I. love. this. post. I am going to forward this one on to some friends right now….
Hi, Glennon….I feel like we are old friends, only you haven’t met me yet. I was introduced to your blog fairly recently by the famous Paula P. ….and then, as I was reading it, I come to find that you are Mandy Doyle’s sista?!? Mandy [beautiful, full of life Mandy] was a sorority sister of mine. AND then, when I was raving about your blog to a friend of mine, it turns out you are Mindy F’s big sis in her sorority!? [or was it little sis…..but, really, who cares? I always hated those titles on friendships…put too much pressure on the whole thing if you ask me…]. What a small world this Virginia state is. So, I thought I should formally introduce myself since I have been lurking and reading your blog in case we met some day and I ran up and gave you a big ole’ hug and you had no clue who I was. You see, I don’t really know you, know you [obviously]–but I know you rock. Your story, your mission, your wisdom, your truth, your acceptance, your insight, your ability to say in words what I have thought thousands of times….. I am so grateful for your writing. Thank you and please never stop–there are too many stages of life left to live that I’m certain your words will help me to help process and understand better [no pressure :-)].
So glad we’re friends! Love, K
Has anyone quoted this one yet? The cool older lady in my neighborhood said, as she watched me watching kids ride trikes in the long afternoons….
“If the years go by so Fast, Why are the days so Long?” For sure.
My children are in their 30’s and I agree with everything you said!
A couple of weeks after my first was born, I had been bombarded with “time goes so fast! Enjoy every moment!” — over and over. My kind step-mother took me aside and said “Yes, the years go by like days, — but the days go by like years. Hold on — eventually they will sleep.” That thought has pulled me through many long days.
Jenny, that is the most wonderful comment I have ever heard! I’ll try to remember that one for others in need. 🙂 Thanks for sharing that.
THAT very wise and loving comment is why I find it so distressing that some young parents dismiss an entire generation based on the passing thoughtless comments of a few people they often don’t know. I’m blessed that I had wise and loving elders and even more blessed that I’m comfortable enough to listen to them. Occasionally, they make comments I don’t agree with, just like I make comments they don’t agree with. I’ve learned to filter and choose what helps me. It’s made having children (day-to-day) so much more of a joy.
Great post. As a mother of a 9,7,5,3,and 1 year old I thought I would add that yes I had a child pee the in corner of the shoe store while out shopping with my brave husband once. He left the store as quicly and as politly as he could post peeing. The same child had an explosion in his diaper at radio shack by the RC cars! That was another memorable daddy giving me a break so he took the kid shopping trip too. Since then we have added 3 more wonderful bundles of surprises. I love each day but I would like a few 15 minute pauses too. But I have to remind myself to think in longterm God time quite often too. keep up the good work and think on God time and I will miss these days SOMEday too. Brook
Thanks for making me feel “normal”.
Absolutely perfect.
I feel this every day and then feel deeply guilty for feeling it. But now I know exactly what to say when I’m the old lady at the grocery store. Maybe I’ll pass out Starbucks gift cards to moms who have the crazy look in their eye.
And I will pray to notice a kairos moment each day– one from each kid if I’m lucky.
Wow, perfect! Thank you! And thanks for putting into words those times when you look at your child with that overwhelming love… Until they whine about the dinner you made. 🙂 Carry on warrior!
love this! also totally agree with what Tova said – throw in being a working single mother on top of adoption and you get replies like, “Well, you asked for this.” Yes, yes I did – and I would not change a thing but holy hell, some day I’d love to sleep through the night again. And not wash pee soaked sheets four times a week. And not cry from exhaustion. Is that so wrong?? 🙂
love the comparison to Craig’s job… if I asked other people at work if they were ENJOYING EVERY SECOND someone would throw me out the window.
Carry on, warrior!
I could just (((hug))) you right now. Thank you for saying what everyone is thinking but no one has the courage to voice out loud….you are fabulous!!!
So I never comment on people’s blogs that I don’t know, but you have PERFECTLY summed up exactly how I feel! I am a good mom, I know I am. But it is hard and draining and frustrating and I can’t wait until bedtime and my kids were naughty today when I had a contractor over for an estimate and I was so embarrassed! I know exactly what you’re saying. And I constantly get people telling me to enjoy my kids because they grow so fast and then I feel guilty and overwhelmed…thank you for the post!!
I just read this thought on Carpe Diem, and, like your post, it makes me breathe a whole lot easier:
If you try to seize the day, the day will eventually break you. Seize the corner of [Jesus’] garment and don’t let Him go until He blesses you. He will reshape the day. ~ Paul Miller (A Praying Life)
Thank you, Kelly. I love what you shared and that quote by Paul Miller is awesome.
I have 3 kids close in age – and 2 are in high school, 1 in college. I DO NOT MISS THEIR YOUNGER YEARS!!! I love them, we had fun, there were sweet times – but it was hard. And it still is hard. People asked if I cried when my oldest went to college. No. I was thrilled to see her step out, grab the opportunities life is giving her, and pray that she succeeds and thrives.. I didn’t raise my children so that I could hang on and want them to stay. I worked hard and endured the rough patches so I could I could set them free and enjoy whatever they become. Watching them find God’s path for their lives is a thrill. More Kairos at this phase of raising kids than ever.
My 4 children are all grown, with 2 in heaven. My oldest daughter is married with 3 children and has her BS, and works in an elementary school as a special needs para-pro. My oldest son is married with 4 boys, and is a Sargent First Class, (E7), in the US Army for 15 years, with multiple deployments under his belt. My youngest son is divorced with 1 son, was in the Marines, deployed to Iraq, became a police officer after graduating top of his class from the police academy, and is currently contracting in Kuwait. My youngest daughter is in college and should have her BS in less than a year. She plans to go on to graduate school to obtain her doctorate in psychology. Now, all my children are success stories. I choose to believe they grew up well and I contributed to raising them well, but the choices they have made as adults are their own.
While I was in the ‘raising’ segment of life, and older ladies would say the kind of things you mentioned above, I usually smiled, nodded and said thank you. I never thought that I should take their words literally! I thought that they were simply a sign of hope that one day, if I worked hard and gave my children all I had to give, that I would survive that horrific segment of life, and I would get to be an older lady that would try to encourage a young mother or two that she WILL survive! I recently re-read some of my journals from those ‘raising’ years and honestly have no idea how I accomplished all that! What I miss from that segment of my life is the ‘break-through’ moments; the ones when me and one (or more!) of my children were ‘on the same page.’ Those are treasured and replayed in my mind’s eye frequently. One of my Mom’s (who had 7 children!) sayings when things were crazy nuts, was ‘this too shall pass,’ and there were times I really clung to that to get me through to this part of life!
You’re doing a great job with your children and being able to pen your thoughts! Be encouraged (by this older lady!) and please don’t throw me off of Mt. Everest!
I tell people “the years fly by, and one day you will look back at this and laugh – but man oh man, some of the days take forever!”.
Which is true. I can’t believe my oldest is 11 already and my fourth (and final!) is nearly 2. Where did the time go? Well, it went reading the same Boynton book five bazillion times to each kid, and changing diapers, and singingin songs, and wishing they’d all just go to sleep so we could share a setence or two of adult communication before we dropped from sheer exhaustion.
And then there’s “family ‘flu week”. Don’t even get me started!!
Oh, gosh, I’ve been on both ends of this. I’m the older woman in the grocery store now, and I think what we mean by appreciate the now is more “don’t worry about the future too much, just sit in the moment, it makes it less miserable that way.” Because so much of the stress of kids is not the tantrum, per se, but the attendant worries – she’s not listening, I’m a bad mother, etc. I think instead of “carpe diem,” a better phrase might be to “roll with it.” Not necessarily revel in it, you understand; just roll with it.
But as you put so well, it’s not the work itself that is so enjoyable, it’s more the satisfaction afterwards of having poured your whole self into something challenging and important. Parenting is more than the sum of its parts. And the wistful look on the old ladies’ faces? That’s because we no longer have such soul-satisfying work to do. It’s over.
“so much of the stress of kids is not the tantrum, per se, but the attendant worries – she’s not listening, I’m a bad mother, etc.”
This is so true for me. Well said.
Get out of my head! Seriously, again.
I was just thinking/mulling this whole topic over the last few days. Thinking about how hard it is to be a mama, and how beautiful those moments are. How the mom’s in this world seem to unite in one of two camps. The ‘I’m perfect and I love every minute’ camp, and the ‘this is living hell’ camp. This post shows respect and honor to both sides and, in my humble opinion, is reality.
This post, might finally be the one that I frame on my wall.
Thank you. Oh, and love the new blog. And the picture of you.
And my vent? Well, the whole comment of if it’s so hard with three, why would you want 4? That’s worse when you’ve adopted. Now I get told when I talk about the hard days ‘Well, you chose this, so suck it up.’ It’s like in the deliberate choosing of adopting a child I have forfeited all rights to talk about the hard parts of parenting. It sucks. I’ve actually asked for help a few times and been given none. It’s hard for me to ask, so this is particularly painful.
Ok. Vent done. Point being is that those comments are dumb, illogical and totally unhelpful.
Love.
to clarify my comment, when I’ve asked for practical help recently on hard days, the people I have asked have not helped at all.
I’ve had lots of help in my life, Monkees being a huge help!
Tova, I’m an adoptive mum too, and we’re in the middle of the twos in a really big way, and I really, really feel you. With that added guilt of “we worked so hard for this, I should be enjoying it more”, it just makes it exhausting.
But some days are just really freaking hard.
If I was near you, I’d be over in a second to help. I mean that.
I just have to say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! This made me cry. This sums up every single day of my life!
Reading this, I am laughing and crying at the same time! Thank you for so eloquently putting into words how you feel, mirroring my feelings as well!
Crap. I am getting really paranoid. Now I have a complex and feel guilty for telling new parents to “enjoy” their baby, “it goes by fast” etc. and fear what others are REALLY thinking of my well meant comments (shut up lady, you are ANNOYING and have no clue what I am going through). Maybe I am taking all this too literally?? (a fault of my existance). Forgive. I have two in their 20’s and a granddaughter, all living with me. It is not a bed of roses. I guess I will just smile and wink.
Ok…I couldn’t love this post more. “I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure.” I am ready to cry because it sums up so many frustrations I didn’t even have a name for! And the comparison to Craig’s (and every other so called “real” job) was fantastic!!!! I feel in love with your writing all over again.
Bravo, G! Those people who passed on your book will be kicking themselves.
A friend shared your blog on FB, and I am going to have to do the same. You nailed it! My kids are a bit older now (11, 13, 15), but I clearly remember how hard those younger years were. The most freeing thing I ever heard was when an older woman that I looked up to admitted that mothering didn’t come naturally to her! Thanks for your honesty!
Not even four paragraphs in and I couldn’t agree more! I’m so worried that I’m missing stuff and not paying attention, I get stressed about the whole thing. OK…now I’m going to finish reading this post but the idea of the people reminding you to enjoy the climb of Mt. Everest is hilarious and spot on!!!!
AMEN!
i’d like to Carpe 2 minutes to use the bathroom….by myself.
and i’m going to start counting my Kairoses!
xo ~ kristi
Ha. Carpe Bathroom Time! My new slogan.
Y’all are crazy. I love EVERY SECOND of raising my 5 kids. (joke!!).
Lovely post, g. I think you’re the smartest monkee I ever met. Who knew there was a word for that?
Great post G! I think the only reason people say, “Carpe Diem” is because they want someone else to do it bc they never figured out how. It’s like, “You should really compost if you can.” They know it’s a good thing, but they never quite got the hang of it…or maybe you just can’t carpe diem until your in your 70’s? When you are not being pulled in 27 different directions with someone elses bodily fluid on your person.
Oh, dear Bob, that was SPOT. ON.
Three months after our first daughter was born, a cousin had a baby. Their Sanctimonious Christmas Letter that year proudly announced that they were Enjoying Every Minute of Parenthood. My husband and I audibly gagged, and had to ask the air around us “Really??? Like when you finally got a shower for the first time all week and then when you were changing that diaper the kid blew out an Atomico-Powered Poop right in the middle of your brand new expensive white nursing shirt so you looked like you’d been shot with a poop cannon? Yeah, ’cause that was AWESOME.”
Also, I’m totally stealing your bit in the grocery line. Except for the paying for someone else’s food thing, until I can actually afford it. When that time comes, though, I’m so there.
Thanks for the definition Heather! I like the word Kairos, but I do still LOVE Carpe Diem, even though I don’t practice it, I still like to say it 🙂
Lovely post.
P.S. Got any good Uncle Keith stories laying around? I really miss those stories.
I liked this one. A lot. I think some people just say things cause that is what they are supposed to say–“enjoy every moment”. Really, that is impossible even for the sunshine mommies. However, I do think there are people that live more on the surface and for them, chronos is fine. Then, there are people like you who experience moments at higher highs and lower lows. I would never trade the depths of my sadness for one second. Those depths make me also feel the heights of joy. If I was a flat line, I would feel flat. For others, flat is what they want and like. Their children seemingly always have matching clothes and are extremely well-behaved.
Keep on seizing the kairos and remember perspective makes all the difference!
amen. amen. amen. AAAAAMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNN! Or how about when the kids are finally in the bed after playing “whack a mole” countless times and I think to myself, please don’t ask me to pray with you, please just let me slip out of here quietly, haven’t you heard me pray at night over and over and over, can’t you recite our prayers by now? CAN’T YOU???????? No. I see. You can’t and then I take a breath and know that God has just chalked another one up on me and says “Good job, mama. Good job.” Then I leave the room thinking awe…..I did it. And damn it if they don’t get up again. Thanks for keeping it real. Us mamas need this.
Tricia
Yes yes yes! I recently had to go back to work part-time after being a stay-at home mom for the past 4 1/2 years. And the seize the moment, live each moment as if it is your last and enjoy every second with your children before they are 21 and out of the house approach has sent me into even more of a panic. All of a sudden those seconds with my children were cut in half so did that mean that I had to enjoy them doubly, even the ones when they were fighting each other, screaming for more of something or sitting in a heap at my feet crying because there are 3 of them and only 1 of me. I stopped running errands or cleaning during my few hours home in the morning because I HAD TO SEIZE THE MOMENTS and store them up because I am a rotten mom for missing all of the afternoon moments while trying to make some money so that we don’t lose our house and to keep food in the little mouths. So now I have a dirty house, the pantry isn’t stocked because I am terrified of not taking advantage of every second I have with them by forcing them out for errands with me AND they are all a mess because they can’t find their toys in the messy house and don’t have their favorite snacks that I usually keep stocked. Now I am a doubly rotten mom and still in a state of panic because none of the moments are what the magazines say they should be and Martha Stewart would faint if she saw my linen closet and everyone is posting on facebook about getting their houses organized or working out every day in 2012 and how can they be seizing the moments with their kids and do that at the same time because I certainly can’t because I can’t even find my work out clothes (not that they would fit me)……..Breathe Breathe Breathe and then I come here and read your blog and if I wasn’t a monkee before, I surely am now. I think I might be a little bit in love with you G. I know you hear that all the time, but I am. Thank you for telling it like it is. More kairos moments, less chronos moments and maybe somewhere in there I will even get a guilt free shower!
HA! Guilt-free shower. I never realized until I read G’s post and your comment that I feel guilty when I’m in the shower like I should be keeping an eye on the kids or hanging out with them or relieving my husband of kid care. WTH?
As someone who often lazily throws cliches around, says nothing at all for fear of saying the wrong thing, and just might be guilty of telling you to enjoy your day 3 days ago when it was bound to be an especially warriorish kinda day, I especially LOVE this post. Thank you! Carry on.
Kairos. “A moment of indeterminate time in which something special happens.” I never knew there was a word for this magic. Even worse, as a mom to 3 littles, I do notice those moments, but never allow space/time for them let them sink into my bones. Just knowing that it’s a REAL THING with a REAL WORD and it’s on WIKIPEDIA for goodness sake -well, this is a gift – a real gift. I have a new daily practice. Kairos.
I read a positive parenting blog post recently where the mom said she didn’t yell at her 4 year old when said child dropped her $600 nikon and broke it. Perky Mom said, “because the child’s self worth is more valuable than the camera.”
Me? I just wanted to reach through the computer and punch her in the face.
Enjoying ever minute, my ass. That was those mimosas and the valium, I think.
I try. I try really, really hard. But the 17th time I ask the Small Person to stop kicking the back of my seat, or grabbing my boob in public (the 5 year old!), my patience is gone and I’m screeching like a loon. Without apology.
Love it! Love it! Love it! My two year old did drop my Nikon camera out of a truck window, shattered the $300 lens and then looked at me like “What??” My husband and I were in the company of a couple from our church and the other man said something along the lines of “Thank God she didn’t fall out the window.” My husband looked at him and said “A visit to the ER would have been a hell of alot cheaper.” Can I get an amen????
This comment broke my heart. A visit to the ER woulda been cheaper? Do you know how many children currently reside in St. Jude’s with cancer? Do you know their parents would gladly give a million Nikon cameras to have their children healthy and happy again? How sad that you’d rather have your child fall out the window because it would be more important. The child is two. Do you think she did it with malicious intent? Do you think she went “OMG I am going to break mommy’s very expensive camera! That’ll show her!!” And here’s another question while we’re at it. Why did your two year old have your camera? Being a mommy can be hard, but leaving expensive stuff around like that to be thrown out a window is natural consequence. I’m not usually so harsh in comments, but I held my hand to my chest and actually CRIED when I read this comment about your poor child. Be careful what you put out in the universe, and I hope your little girl doesn’t grow up feeling like a camera is more important than her well-being.
Seriously, do you really believe he meant, literally, “I wish my child would have fallen out the window because a trip to the ER would have been cheaper than replacing the Nikon”? I mean, really? I mean, come on.
Of course not. But the implication as heart breaking nonetheless.
PS, it still doesn’t answer the other questions, like whether she believes the child had malicious intent, or why she had the camera. Obviously he didn’t mean that comment literally. Did that make it a nice think to say nonetheless? No.
Two thoughts on this most excellent post. First, I was one of those parents who found out really quickly that, um, I don’t like little tiny babies. I’m happy to report that I *love* bigger kids, but those first five months? Oh, man — post-partum doula, indeed. And I have had several friends with their first babies who, when I said “Man, I’m not a fan of little babies” … I’ve had them turn to me like drowning people and say “Really? You, too? I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!”
Second: I have a really clear memory, so I must’ve been maybe 8 or 10, of a man saying to my dad “Oh, don’t you just miss them being little?” and my dad — my wise, wonderful, dad — turned to him, smiled, and said “Their mother and I have enjoyed each stage of our children more than we did the last one,” and even as young as I was I realized what my dad had just done for my brother and me, even as that other man casually made us feel worthless now that we weren’t little and cute any more.
I made myself a promise never EVER to say “don’t you miss them being little,” but now I’m also going to make it a point to call young mothers “Warrior” whenever I get the chance!
Thanks for this, as always, Glennon!
xoxoxo
Mary
Oh my. Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve wanted to express this for so long. And I’ve felt guilty that I’m not enjoying myself enough because, you know, who wouldn’t fully enjoy this sleep-deprived, loud, messy, smelly existence. And I’m afraid that my husband or just anyone is going to make me go back to work because I’m not enjoying myself or appreciating my children enough. And the fact that I don’t want to go back to work despite all the chaos here tells me that I’m in the right place. As you well know, it’s pretty tough to appreciate the 3yo “I wanna do it” shrieking phase in the moment. BUT … I do appreciate, when my eardrums have recovered, how independent and strong she is. Now I have a word for that feeling. Kairos. I love it.
sometimes reading the comments to a blog is as rewarding as the blog itself.
I burst in to laughter at your comment about a smelly existence….I so needed to laugh about this as well, not only weep, from feeling so happy but also confused about all the feelings inside me, as I am starting over with this whole parenting thing, with a 1 year old and 10 and 14 year olds.
It is a whole different ballgame this time around and I find myself feeling lost more often than remebering what I am supposed to do and how to be.
My neighbor and friend emailed this to me and it’s my first time reading…thank you! You have just summed up what we discuss on a regular basis and usually feel guilty about. Such a great perspective and I love the honesty…keep it up!
I too here this everywhere, in good moments and bad. My 3 year old was being quite loud in kohls one day, not the angry, annoying loud, a happy loud, singing, talking, waving at everyone we passed, truth be known it was starting to agitate me but an older lady peaked around the corner and said, “he is so precious, I love hearing those happy sounds” Kairos. At that moment I realized she was right, these were happy sounds and that I had gotten so used to the “not so happy sounds” that I automatically tried to hush him. I saw a post from a friend the other day that I love and reading this has made me decide to do it. Take a jar or shoe box and each time you kairos, write it down and on new years eve every year go thru the cards as a family and relive those moments. I think this will put into perspective how many of those moments you actually have!
Great post, Crystal.
THANK YOU for this post. I love it, so much.
Thank you for posting this. It is beautiful and so relevant to my life right now.
Thank you for this.
Oh my goodness! I love this and this is why I love you so much more than I love those stupid parenting magazines.
Dittos
LOVE this. Exactly how I feel, but never been able to put it in words like this.
Oh Glennon. You are inside my head again. I have been feeling like I was going to punch the next person that said this to me. Because, well, one of my kids SUCKS right now. Love her to bits but most of the time can’t stand her. Thank you for, once again, helping me laugh and giving me another perspective.
Carry on warrior….I love it!
Love it…I will continue to battle the working mother guilt that I suffer from in Chronos and “seize the kairos” with all my heart….thank you….ps my favorite time at the store was when a lovely older woman came up and gave ryan a lollipop without asking me because he was pitching a fit about me not opening the pringles….I will never forget it….
Love having you and the Monkees back in my day! Missed you! Also…the pictures of you and the fam…stunning.
Thank you so much for this post.
I get this sometimes about homeschooling. “Well, it’s YOUR choice”.
Yes, it is my choice. And it’s hard, time consuming and wonderful at the same time.
Give me some grace and a right to be frustrated sometimes and to vent.
On a roll, G Birdie. On a ROLL.
In the days after O was born, I got a million emails telling me to ENJOY IT. It made me panicky and paranoid, too. All of my lady parts were in agonizing pain, my heart felt like it would burst from growing two sizes, I couldn’t stop crying from the exhaustion and exhilaration of it all, and I wondered if I would ever be able to go anywhere by myself again. After both my babies, I have fantasized about getting to do the whole thing over again with 8 hours of sleep a night, a clean house, and a postpartum doula. In fact, I’m quite certain that if I had those three things every day, I could really be blowing it out of the water in the ENJOY IT department.
“Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right.” EXACTLY.
Carry on, warrior.
You forgot the nanny watching the older two, Bonzo.
Loved this post, G.
Love this one Glennon!!! Just sent it on to some co-workers…
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m constantly feeling like I must be failing as a mother because I spend most of my days NOT enjoying it. I’m sure I will be that old lady someday too!
My favorite old-lady-in-the-grocery-store moment was one who came up to my cart while my child was screaming and trying to get down in the middle of the wine section. I was on the verge of tears, thinking horrible thoughts until she sweet talked my child into being nice to his momma and sitting still in the cart until I was done. She was truly a guardian angel. He LISTENED to her. He OBEYED her. He was nice to me. And I totally seized that moment…to pick out a big bottle of wine for later.
Thanks for this post. I totally love your blog and your writing, through and through.
Hahaha I have wanted to pull strangers out of the isle and secretly ask them to scare the bageesus out of my tantruming children so that they will appreciate ME a little more. My step mom had actually done that to a screaming kid in a store…she has pretended to be a little crazy (who an I kidding, she didn’t need to pretend) and offered to take the “crying one.”. As I recall it worked and both mom and kid were shocked into silent bewilderment.
I am laughing my a$$ off right now about the offer to “take the crying one”.
I love this post…I love that every.single.part. of it resonates with me. Different days in different way and even in different times in my life (great points LesleyG!) It amazes me how you can shed light on something that seems so trivial – a comment from a stranger that just kind of annoys us – into something so beautiful and insightful. Those Kairos moments literally can take my breath away some days and in an instant it’s gone and the yelling/biting/fighting/etc kicks back in and the regular old business of living gets back on track. I’m storing up those Kairos moments and those are the ones I will remember most and those that will make me nostalgic for this time in life. Thanks for this thoughtful post today G.
I’m a long time reader but I don’t ever comment on your posts. However, as I sit here 4 months pregnant with our first child, this one was such a blessing for me. It helped me be able to write this: http://eckersons.blogspot.com/2012/01/pregnancy-confessions-volume-two.html … which I’ve been too scared to actually say out loud. So thank you for helping me realize that it’s ok to feel the way I’m feeling, and helping me learn to look for the Kairos moments in life, and especially in my pregnancy. Thank you, Glennon, for speaking to my soul with this one!
OMG. THANK you for your (continued) honesty. I think everything I feel/felt/will feel about parenting and loving (or, more truthfully, NOT loving) every moment is captured in this post. I’m not alone!!
ha! yes. thank you. those sweet ladies, if ONLY they would pick ONE of the 3 kids up off the floor i’m trying to wrangle WHILE they say whatever adorable thing they are going to say to me, it would be SO kind! THAT’S what i’m going to do when i’m that sweet old lady 🙂
I see this now when I am out with my daughter and my granddaughter, Ava. Sweet, lttle old woman saying such sweet things. I take it for what it is worth. They are only being kind and nostalgic (and melancholy) and I think they wish for those times back. I know I do and I am 50. You really start thinking about your life and what is left of it and what you have and could have done with your life – and those children in it. I am always questioning myself. But I totally get your point. Relax. They obviously see how cute and full of life your family is and can’t help to comment.
Grains of salt.
I have such compassion for older people as crotchety as they might or can be, or not. I am sure if one points out something wrong though ….or is overly nosey….I will change my tune! And I do.
Breath in the kairos. Love the post.
Glen, I love this one. Thank you sister. Carry on Warrior
I really really really love this post. I have 4 and want a 5th and spend all day wondering what it was like to be at a beach with my spousey with no babes who have to go pee or are hungry or are swimming out WAY too far for their ability. That would be my middle guy; he worries me SOOOOOOOOO much. And those are rare, beautiful days ’cause we almost never get to a beach anymore. Not EVER like the beaches of our honeymoon. BIG, deep, sigh. At night I can’t believe how blessed I am. Then I finally fall asleep and it’s 2 seconds until it’s time to find some clean clothes for the babes, put some slop on a plate, and hope they don’t miss the bus. And I wonder sometimes, am IIIIIIII missing the bus, right? Carpe the frickin’ diem! Every Diem! Thanks, Glennon, for making it make sense right now, in this here diem. You carped it.
This is EXACTLY how I have always felt, but never seemed to be able to put it in words. Thank you!
Oh,a-to-the-fricken-men sistah. Thank you, thank you. I just wrote a post yesterday about how life feels…fine. And I’m kind of annoyed that life is just fine. And then I feel guilty because I should be enjoying every minute that we’re not living in mortal fear of Simon dying RIGHT NOW and isn’t that just the most amazing thing ever. But sometimes it’s not the most amazing thing ever. It’s just sort of a grind.
Last night I wanted to chuck Simon into his bed with a big heave-ho after he got up for the 4th time when I was flying solo and trying to make chicken stock and iron my clothes and make sandwiches for homeless people for The Birthday Project and maybe make the 3 birthday cards I need to send this week and oh, it’s already 9:30. And then I felt horribly guilty for being annoyed because these moments of him being little are so fleeting and I’ll pine for them some day so I sholud just stop and take some time out with him. So I did. I lay in bed with him for 10 minutes. I had a Kairos moment. And then Chronos kicked my ass when I got back to the kitchen and realized I boiled my stock when it should only be gently bubbling. And started that damn cycle of guilt and frustration again. Because he came padding out 3 minutes later.
Jesus being a parent is hard. Like, really, really hard sometimes.
Speak it, G. Hallmark can kiss my ass. Raising children is sometimes not the most wonderful, amazing, beautiful thing in the world. Sometimes it’s so hard I want a simple, single, child-free parallel life I can step into, maybe just for a day, to get out. Thanks to Mama’s like you, most days I’m pretty clear that I’m still a good Mama and good wife for wanting that. Most days.
LOL! I can’t understand it from a parenting perspective, but as far as I’m concerned carpe diem is all about kairos time, not chronos time. I’ve always thought of it as treasuring those moments of kairos. Not so much making life extraordinary (wasn’t what Robin Williams said in Dead Poets?) and amazing every second, but understanding that it already is and savoring those moments of clarity, those moments where you touch life’s bliss.
Pretty glad I totally misinterpreted carpe diem 🙂
I LOVE this. You know when I love mothering the most? Times like right this minute, when everyone is out of the house but me, the house is tidy, and I’m having a cup of tea by myself in the moments before my Sam comes bursting through that door. Right now I can savor motherhood because it’s quiet. I love the idea of motherhood so very much, and sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t love actual mothering nearly as much as I love preparing for it and thinking of it when it’s not actually happening to me and all around me. Loudly. And I think the idea of someone yelling at a person in a office to seize the moment of their career is hysterical. I’m going to make sure I do that to Chris sometime really soon.
:)MK
For real.
And people say this to us, women especially, before children are even in the picture, too. “Enjoy this time being single and free!” “Enjoy this time where you get to meet all kinds of new, interesting people?” Well, really? All of it? Because this mortgage and utility bill and cleaning up dog poop on my own doesn’t feel super “free” all the time. And that guy that asked me out last week, the one who spit on the ground just before he extended his hand to shake mine, the one who is married but “it’s been over for a while.” This is what I am supposed to enjoy? Uhh, no. I will not.
But. I will enjoy going to yoga at whatever time works for me, and the fact that I do have the freedom to have my own work and home, as an unmarried woman in a world where this is not common, and I will take these magical moments into whatever the next phase of my life will be as lessons that, yes, sometimes it is super enjoyable, and sometimes it is just you alone with dog poop.
Thank you, Glennon. For this and everything.
Amen, Lesley. Yes, yes, yes. Totally. I guess because it’s all life, it’s all beautiful _and_ complicated, sometimes even simultaneously. Thanks 🙂
How come there is no LIKE button. Thanks for the smile.
LIKE. And ditto.
Sending this one to my best bud from college who just had her second babe. LOVE IT, G. And it makes me smile to know how much you loved having written it. 😉 And, I must add… the water I was drinking came right out my nose when I read ‘especially that one peeing in the corner.’ I vow to say ‘Carry On Warrior’ some time this week.
Holy smokes, Glennon! I can comment on the blog now! Another Christmas miracle!
And that’s all ya got? Come on now Adrianne, give us more than that, lol.
Testing to see if my comment posts.
A – you are cracking me up.
Thank you! I’m not the only one….last night in the middle of a telephone conversation with my Mom, she stopped me mid-complaint and said, “Ang, take a breath, enjoy these hurdles. She’s 13, she’s going to be gone soon. You’re going to call me crying because you’re missing these moments.” How do you tell your Mother who you adore more than life itself, that’s she’s gone batsh&t crazy? 🙂
So I thank you for these words of wisdom and a little slice of sisterhood this afternoon. I needed it!
LOVE LOVE LOVE this!
Oh,a-to-the-fricken-men sistah. Thank you, thank you. I just wrote a post yesterday about how life feels…fine. And I’m kind of annoyed that life is just fine. And then I feel guilty because I should be enjoying every minute that we’re not living in mortal fear of Simon dying RIGHT NOW and isn’t that just the most amazing thing ever. But sometimes it’s not the most amazing thing ever. It’s just sort of a grind.
Last night I wanted to chuck Simon into his bed with a big heave-ho after he got up for the 4th time when I was flying solo and trying to make chicken stock and iron my clothes and make sandwiches for homeless people for The Birthday Project and maybe make the 3 birthday cards I need to send this week and oh, it’s already 9:30. And then I felt horribly guilty for being annoyed because these moments of him being little are so fleeting and I’ll pine for them some day so I sholud just stop and take some time out with him. So I did. I lay in bed with him for 10 minutes. I had a Kairos moment. And then Chronos kicked my ass when I got back to the kitchen and realized I boiled my stock when it should only be gently bubbling. And started that damn cycle of guilt and frustration again. Because he came padding out 3 minutes later.
Jesus being a parent is hard. Like, really, really hard sometimes.
Speak it, G. Hallmark can kiss my ass. Raising children is sometimes not the most wonderful, amazing, beautiful thing in the world. Sometimes it’s so hard I want a simple, single, child-free parallel life I can step into, maybe just for a day, to get out. Thanks to Mama’s like you, most days I’m pretty clear that I’m still a good Mama and good wife for wanting that. Most days.
yes, yes, yes!
I will never forget the time an older woman came over to me after I had left my grocery cart where it was and was physically manhandling my screaming, limp toddler out the door. She said (and in hindsight, she must have been yelling!!!), “one day, she’ll be all grown up and you’ll miss these days.”
REALLY??? this one? you think?
Your comments were wonderful. Your children are fortunate to have an honest mother like you. I had 4 children under 6 years old and I remember those little ladies well. I am now a grandmother of 6 and have 7 greats – another on the way. So far I have kept my promie to myself. I have never made that remark to a young parent. Thank you for writing your article and enouraging all young moms.
You betcha you will. I get the gist of the article but I still want to enjoy every frickin moment with my kids – the shitty ones and the good ones. Cause thats what life is.
Bravo, TDog!!!
Here’s to learning how to see the Kairos in Chronos moments, to use Carpe Diem as a reminder to us that sometimes God uses the most unlikely people to get our attention.
As I look at the happy picture of this family, it makes me sad that she writes so many words about her distress and only comments on how she appreciates her children when they are asleep. Even more unsettling are the people who agree with her. I work with a lot of young parents every day. It’s consistent that the ones expect their children to behave badly can expect them to do just that. On the other hand, the ones that expect their children to be sweet and adorable will often be rewarded with that behavior. That doesn’t mean those children (and parents) don’t have their ‘moments,’ be they are far less often when the parent SHOWS their delight when their children are simply being children.
Unfortunately, the parent often has as much growing up to do as the children. Sooner or later, however, they will all have their Carpe Diem epiphanies. I’m thankful mine came when my children were young and, while I remember a time when I could have written such a post, I feel very blessed that I didn’t wait to discover that when I get old. And I have very loved, successful, and beautifully imperfect and self-confident children.
Thanks again for posting words of wisdom, TDog!
You completely missed the point. I suspect deliberately.
I have to go with Tdog, and mom4four, too. I have one child, and we walk it alone (and I mean alone) every step of the way. There is a difference between disagreeing with a perspective and missing the point.
I agree with TDog as well. I had my first two children pretty close together and had many experiences similar to the ones Glennon describes. My husband was in medical school and my days were almost devoid of any adult interaction. I was hanging on at the end of my rope for a long time…
And then came a span of 7 years when we kept trying for more children and couldn’t have any. I lost 3 babies in 3 years, and soon came to the painful realization that I would give just about anything to be up in the night nursing a crying newborn, potty training a 2-year old, or marching a 4-year old back into the store from which he just “stole” a candy bar. My heart would physically ACHE whenever I saw moms struggling in difficult situations in public–not because I felt sorry for them, but because I wanted so badly to BE them.
Luckily, this AHA moment came when my children were young, so that I could have more Kairos moments and see the Chronos moments for what they were–little tiny bleeps on the already-too-short timeline of having these precious souls in my home. Not long after this breakthrough, we were blessed with another baby and I have soaked up every single moment since the day she was born. HONESTLY. Don’t get me wrong–I still look forward to nap time and don’t always enjoy taking everyone shopping, but I have a much better perspective about it all.
And so, given the opportunity to experience both sides of the coin while still a mother of young children, I will wholeheartedly give the advice to “Carpe Diem” as much as you possibly can. Because you never know what’s around the corner, and you might actually end up missing what you didn’t even realize you had. Don’t believe me? Give it a few years…
THANK YOU for this perspective. I’ll give about 700 amens to that 🙂
Thanks, KAR, for the confirmation that there are many out there who believe, and have experienced, a much better alternative.
It’s a choice we make. We’re not victims of others, or our children. Thank God.
“we’re not victims of others, or our children.” THANK YOU. that was perfect. i wholeheartedly agree and am glad someone agrees 🙂 .
AMEN. Thank you.