Apr 172014
 

Love

The Way We’re Told It Goes:
  1. Meet The One
  2. Fall In BUTTERFLY Love, Have all the Feelings
  3. Date, Accept Proposal
  4. Have a Wedding: AKA YOU’VE CROSSED THE FINISH LINE!
  5. You’re done! Congrats, Cinderella! All that’s left now is: Happily Ever After!!!!!
The Way It Has Worked For Me:
  1. Meet A Special One
  2. Fall in Butterfly Love, have all the feelings
  3. Date
  4. Have a Wedding – AKA Cross the STARTING LINE.
  5. You’ve begun. Shit gets real.  Grocery shopping and children and assembling furniture and navigating each other’s families and demons and other confusing, terrifying things keep happening. Slowly understand that marriage is not what you thought it would be and your husband is not who you thought he’d be and additionally you are not who you thought you’d be.
  6. Notice there are no more butterflies. Panic like bloody hell. Understand with mounting dread that LIFE has killed the butterflies and this must mean you have “fallen out of love.”
  7. Look into separation.
  8. Start to learn how horribly difficult it will be to get unmarried for you and everyone you love and also – HOLY CRAP IT COSTS A LOT. Try to locate a path of less resistance. Search for some solution that is less emotionally and physically and mentally and financially expensive. It’s often not LOVE that makes us stay- but the expense of leaving. AND THAT’S OKAY.
  9. Ask for help. Meet with experts, talk to wise people, read good books. Mostly, Be still and listen for The Next Right Thing in the quiet.
  10. Wait. Keep waiting. Make no decisions except what to do EXACTLY RIGHT NOW. Sit with the pain. Sit with the struggle. Sit with the uncertainty. Resist the relentless urge to deflect the pain, run from the pain, numb the pain with food- booze -work –future tripping- unkindness- false certainty -busyness or any other Wisdom Killer.  Just Be Still and Wait.
  11. SLOWLY embrace the truth that a million warriors have discovered before you  – You have not FALLEN OUT OF LOVE. You have fallen out of infatuation AND INTO LOVE.  Like it or NOT- THIS IS IT, SISTER. This is Love. It ain’t the Disney version- it’s the REAL version. The Disney version is easy and shiny and struggle free and happily ever after but the Real Version is about allowing struggle to morph you into a bigger, more spiritual being. Real love is about METAMORPHOSIS, and metamorphosis IS FIFTY SHADES OF PAIN – just ask the butterfly. To let Love Work on You, to Let The Metamorphosis happen- you must allow the illusions of who you thought you were to fall away,  look reality dead in the eye and open your arms wide to the REAL him, the REAL you, REAL marriage.  Fine. You’ll take it. You don’t need shiny. You just need REAL.  You understand now that that butterfly chasing is a shallow waste of a life. Because BUTTERFLY CHASERS NEVER SETTLE INTO REAL LOVE. REAL LOVE IS NOT A FLUTTERY FEELING, IT’S NOT BUTTERFLIES. It’s not pink. It’s not glittery. It’s not fluffy. It’s not even all that exciting, on the surface. Love looks like work. It’s utterly intimidating and exhausting. REAL LOVE IS A DAILY DECISION TO GET TO WORK. LOVE IS WORK DONE BY TIRED, HOPEFUL, ORDINARY FOLKS.
  12. Notice how tired you already are and wonder if all this backbreaking, ego swallowing, pride crushing “Love work” will be worth it. For the sake of living without regrets  -  decide to try.
  13. Show up to WORK every day.
  14. Do loving things for your partner AS AN ACT OF WILL, regardless of how you feel. Assume that eventually, loving feelings will come- because that’s what they tell you. Panic further because it’s been a long time and these loving feels are not showing up.
  15. Keep your head down and keep Love Working. Love without “feeling it” or “meaning it.”
  16. Notice out of your peripheral vision that your spouse has his head down and is Love Working every day, too. Not necessarily AT you or TO you yet (you’re not ready for that) but With you. He’s working alongside you. Tending to the field of your family. Sweating. Sowing. Day in and day out.
  17. Raise your eyebrow at that. Feel the respect for your spouse’s Love Work take root and grow a little inside of you. Then notice that this RESPECT for your spouse’s commitment to keep showing up is turning into warm feelings. This warm feeling is not butterflies. Butterflies are for children. This is very adult. It’s more solid. Steady. It feels grounding instead of flighty. Hm.
  18. Start feeling Loving feelings a little each day. Download the Truth that: Yep. FEELINGS FOLLOW WORK.  REPEATEDLY ACT LOVING AND EVENTUALLY- You will find yourself FEELING LOVING. Promise yourself you will never forget that love is not something to wait for or wonder about or search for or hope for but SOMETHING TO SHOW UP EVERYDAY TO CREATE. LOVE Does Not Just Happen. It’s FORGED.
  19. Consider planning a vow renewal ceremony since you and your husband are adults now, and you finally understand what a vow means. You’ve seen that vows can come to life after they’re broken. Just like every other freaking thing- broken is the beginning. You are In Love now. Congrats. It’s not what they promised you when you were young. But it’s good. There is a person you truly KNOW and you love. And there is person who KNOWS you and loves you still.
  20. Start over every freaking morning.
  21. Go to sleep every night feeling exhausted and blessed as hell.

g-craig-cropped

Happy Birthday, Craig. Thank you for being a loving witness to my journey and for choosing me to be the witness to yours. It’s an honor to travel alongside you.



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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Apr 162014
 

Life is Beautiful

When we were little, many of us learned that God made a garden called Eden and God put the first two people there – Adam and Eve. Then God gave them everything they needed and one thing they didn’t need – which was a tree in the middle of the garden called “the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” God told them not to eat from that tree. But Eve did, and her eyes were opened – and everything got all kinds of jacked up after that.

I was taught that Eden is a story about temptation. That our nature is to do the opposite of what God says to do, and that causes problems for us. But since I was little I’ve been wondering if this story is also about the dangers of trying to know what is good and what is bad. Maybe it wasn’t just defying God that screwed everything up for poor Eve – maybe it was that she insisted on Knowing Something Unknowable.

Maybe wanting to know what will be good for us and what will be bad for us causes all our trouble. Because we should all be ready to admit by now that we suck at knowing the difference between what is good and what is bad for us.

If you ask folks what their wildest dream is many would say: winning the lottery,  even though this is often the kiss of death for families. We want MORE STUFF – even though it’s been proven again and again that after our basic needs our met- more stuff doesn’t make us happier. We collect and hoard and hold on tight to our money- even though we KNOW that giving feels better. We want to be smart- even though happiness and intelligence are inversely related. We  trade our time for cars and fancy clothes and shiny houses and then we realize all we’ve gained is more stress and higher bills- and in the end – we just want all that time back. Stuff that tastes good makes us feel bad, but we eat it anyway. We say things that feel good to “get off our chests” and we feel awful about it later. We want to become famous even though we know that fame destroys. We are desperate for perfectly “typical” kids even though parents with special needs kids consider them the biggest blessings of their lives. We avoid poverty even though God promises us the Kingdom is there. We avoid heartbreak by any means necessary even though that’s where the peace and connection and meaning is. We act like we are perfect even though nobody trusts perfect. We really want to be loved but choose being envied again and again.

I  receive oodles of emails (from non-religious folks) saying: “Why do you think you’re so broken? Why do you wallow in brokenness? You are WHOLE.” And (from religious folks) I often hear: “You need more Jesus. Jesus is all you need.”

But for goodness sake. Jesus promises not to leave us ALONE, he doesn’t promise not to leave us HUMAN. And to clarify – I don’t want to be “whole.” I want to be busted up and beautiful.  While I’m still here, I want to be FULLY HUMAN.

I talk about my addictions because everything beautiful in my life right now came out of the ugliness back then. And still does. I talk about my Lyme disease because I didn’t become strong and peaceful until I learned to surrender to my weakness and mania. I talk about my intolerance and jealousy and sadness and neurosis because those things make me HUMAN and I think that being a messy hypocritical, busted up human is a brutiful honor.

I talk about my flailing marriage because (and a year ago I’d have ripped your well-meaning head off if you’d predicted this to me) the truth is that my marriage had to be shattered before it could be pieced back together. My marriage was like a busted arm that The Doctor had to re-break before it could heal right. A year ago- it all fell apart. Yes it did. And I about died. But now. Just a year later – my marriage is excruciating and real and true and deep and GORGEOUS for the first time. For the very first time. It also still sucks. It hurts and burns and refuses to leave me in peace – like every crucible does. But damned if all that discomfort didn’t turn out to be the good stuff. Like the Velveteen Rabbit – maybe neither people nor marriages become Real until the shine and newness rubs off and they look ugly and worn out to the rest of the world but real and soft and comforting and lovely to the one who holds them. This past year has been a special slice of hell for me and Craig-  and I never, ever thought  it would get better. I had no outward hope for a long while – but I kept showing up, and so did Craig. We kept fiercely and relentlessly showing up. We did NOT commit to each other this past year. We individually committed to the Spiritual Practice of Showing Up.

And last week I looked at Craig and thought- Holy SHIT. I think I love him. For the first time. For the first time - I respect the hell out of this man. It took a year of tears and faith and sweat and therapy and prayer and more tears and it will always be hard. It will always be hard and that’s okay. We have proved to our kids and ourselves that We Can Do Hard Things.

And so- when I talk about this stuff- this messy stuff in my life – I have a PURPOSE.  I’m not “wallowing in brokenness.” I’m trying to suggest that maybe THE BUSTED UP STUFF IS THE GOOD STUFF.  We resist that idea because we really, really suck at being judges of things. God didn’t ask us not to judge so we’d be nice people. God asks us not to judge for the same reason Craig asks me not to cook- because We just plain SUCK AT IT. So we should just leave that tree to God.

I’m trying not to judge my own life by the world’s standards because my suspicion is that often – our bad is God’s good and our good is God’s bad. The last are first and the first are last. When we start seeing clearly- we learn that it’s always opposite day. In my life- the brutal ALWAYS transforms into the beautiful.  And so after thirty eight years I have learned this about what life is offering me: IF IT’S EASY AND SHINY- BEWARE. IF IT STINGS A LITTLE – SIT TIGHT, GET CURIOUS, AND THEN LEAN IN.

I used to say: I’m broken. Fix me. Then I grew up a little and said : WAIT A MINUTE. I’M NOT BROKEN. And now I’m a real grown up so I say: Of course I’m broken. And I love, love, love myself that way. If you’re comfortable with that – come sit with me and we can laugh and cry and be broken and beautiful together. But don’t try to fix me – I didn’t ask for that. I just asked for some good company in which to be human.

Be Still in your garden and trust that you don’t need to decide what is good in your life and what is bad. You can stop striving for good and resisting bad and instead –  surrender to all of it. You can stop judging your circumstances and your life and your people. Striving for good and resisting bad is the source of all of our worry, all of our stress. All our problems stem from our refusal to surrender to what IS. To what life is and who people are. Let it be. Let it come, whatever it is. Breathe deeply and know that if you let it come and feel it all – it won’t kill you. It will pass away soon enough and leave you better, kinder, softer, and stronger. Let the brutal make you even more beautiful.



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
Join the Momastery on-line community on Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest


Apr 152014
 

Lewis Howes

[Trigger Warning:  Beloveds, please note that the interview below may be a trigger for many of our sisters & brothers who are sexual assault survivors.]

Every time I come home from a tour I feel close to breakdown. It’s fine. I’m fine. I usually just need to Be Still for a while. So today was supposed to be a Still Day. I was going to stay away from the computer. Go to yoga. Tutor a few kids. Breathe. But then I got an email that alerted me that first I would need to deliver some news because as a matter of fact today is a really freaking Holy Day and the Monkees needed to know.

A few weeks ago my friend Adam told me I needed to meet this wonderful guy named Lewis Howes. Adam paused after he said “Howes.” I understood that this pause meant that I was supposed to know this Lewis man somehow. I didn’t, but pretended I did because, you know. YES, LEWIS HOWES! OF COURSE! Turns out that the reason I didn’t know him was that Lewis is some sort of famous international BUSINESS expert professional and OLYMPIAN man-of-mystery type of person. Obviously, these parts of him made me terrified to have a conversation because I do not know absolutely anything — not one thing, nothing — about business, sports, or boys. All men are men of mystery to me.

But within five minutes of talking to Lewis I knew I’d found one of US. He was gentle and kind and brave and funny. He concerned himself with being interested instead of interesting. This gets me every time. We recorded a very truthy podcast about vulnerability and addiction and then we took our conversation offline. Lewis told me that he’d been struggling with this idea of Truth Telling and Vulnerability lately. He’d been reading some Brene Brown (pleasepleasethankyouBreneTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUBRENEYOUDON’TEVENKNOW.) and it had him thinking.

He had a Big Secret from his childhood that he worried might be holding him back. He worried that the Big Secret was caging him in. He wondered if perhaps releasing this secret from the dark place inside and getting it out in the light for others to see might free him and help free others. He was wondering, down deep inside, if this might be his responsibility. To share the Big. To help others in hiding free themselves. To prove to his fans that we are all human. Then he told me The Secret. His voice shook and I cried. I wondered if a big, beautiful, successful, business, and sports man-of-mystery could ever, ever be brave and bold and brilliant enough to publicly release himself from That Big One. I wondered if the big, scared world would ever be able to receive it and honor it and cherish it with the reverence it deserved. I felt afraid about all of it. It was a sacred/scared.

This morning I got an email from Lewis. He said that he’d done it. He’d released his Big Secret. In this interview. This right here. Listen to this, please- when you have time. Just take off your shoes first because this is Holy Ground.

I just dropped my kids off at school and then I pulled over and prayed and prayed for Lewis and the world that will receive his story today. I’m just one person, one mama parked in a cul-de-sac in  Florida but I pray that my little swelling heart would RIGHT NOW expand so big that it would cover the WHOLE FREAKING EARTH and hover over everything and everyone and freeze time and HOLD SPACE for Lewis and for all those who have the same Big Secret as Lewis. I just want the world to thank Lewis for his courage. To understand how Big this is. To understand what he’s done here. He didn’t have to do it. He didn’t have to do it.

I am only 5’2,” Lewis, but I’d like to be your Secret Service today. I am on high alert. Just by SHEER WILL AND LOVE I’m doing my best to keep you safe and mark this day as holy. Because even big famous businessy, sportsy, large-sized men-of-mystery need back up. Even you guys. I know this, now. Because of YOU, LEWIS I know this and because of YOU, LEWIS- the world will know it, too.

When Lewis first sent me the recording a few weeks ago, I wrote this back to him:

Lewis,

This is about all of us, isn’t it? I don’t really see this as a story about rape alone. I see it as a story about revealing the hidden. About claiming the “Shameful” as part of our story. About the magical “me toos” and “you’re my heroes” that are always the outcome of true and kind vulnerability. It’s about bringing your WHOLE self to life, right? All of it. With no shame – So that you can live free – and so that your freedom will be contagious to others.

Right? This story is not only about rape – it’s about learning that the Truth Sets You Free.

Also, Lewis, this is my favorite poem of all time and I keep it on my wall and it now reminds me of you and your mission here:

The small man
Builds cages for everyone
He
Knows

While the sage,
Who has to duck his head
When the moon is low,
Keeps dropping keys all night long,

For the
Beautiful,
Rowdy
Prisoners.

-Hafiz

DROPPIN’ KEYS, BROTHER!!!

Love, G

Listen to the Podcast when you can. It’s the first of its kind and I believe it’s going to offer men what the Truthtelling + Hopespreading Revolution has offered women: FREEDOM. Freedom to release themselves from fear and shame and Name Themselves Beloved and Brave. Because that is what we are. That is what we are. That is what you are.

Love, G



Carry On, Warrior
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
Join the Momastery on-line community on Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest