Pet Peeves: What Do Our Biggest Annoyances Say About Us?
February 10, 2022
Glennon Doyle:
Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things. Hello to our wonderful people.
Abby Wambach:
Hello. You know …
Glennon Doyle:
I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the listeners.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, oh.
Glennon Doyle:
But also you.
Abby Wambach:
Do you want to know something that I found out today?
Glennon Doyle:
Uh oh.
Abby Wambach:
I think soft rock is my favorite kind of music.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God. Are you listening to that new soft rock station? It’s been on in the car.
Abby Wambach:
I don’t know. Somebody found it and I … Every song, I’m like, “Oh, yeah. Let’s go.”
Glennon Doyle:
Yesterday, I was driving Ama home from school. Papa Don’t Preach came on. “He says that he’s going to marry me and we can raise a little family.” Yes. I mean, so good. I’m so glad you’re digging it. What else has come up? What other songs?
Abby Wambach:
I can’t remember any songs or anything that just happened other than the moment I’m in right now. I was just in the car five minutes ago and I was singing to a lovely song.
Glennon Doyle:
You don’t know what it was?
Abby Wambach:
Uh-uh.
Glennon Doyle:
Honey.
Amanda Doyle:
Speaking of Papa Don’t Preach, do you remember when we used to get together with all the cousins in Ohio and we would do talent shows?
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
Do you please remember the year that we decided to pick Like A Virgin?
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
To perform for … We were like seven and eight and nine. We had no idea what the hell it meant but we came down … All of the aunts, all of the uncles.
Glennon Doyle:
Our grandparents.
Amanda Doyle:
My very, very Irish Catholic grandmother waited for us and we came down and fully performed Like A Virgin, touched for the very first time [crosstalk 00:01:59].
Glennon Doyle:
Do you remember the move?
Amanda Doyle:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
I remember the move. I remember we all put out our left hand and go, “Touched for the very first time.”
Amanda Doyle:
Yup.
Glennon Doyle:
And touch back and forth.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
We were amazing.
Amanda Doyle:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
I miss dance. Do you remember the faces? Their faces? They just were like stone-faced, just staring at us.
Amanda Doyle:
I was like, “Wow. We are really impressive. They are speechless. Speechless.”
Glennon Doyle:
We are blowing their minds.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. That was my two cents for today.
Glennon Doyle:
Thank you, babe.
Abby Wambach:
Random thought.
Glennon Doyle:
Soft rock for all.
Amanda Doyle:
Which is a good segue because I feel like soft rock might be a lot of people’s [crosstalk 00:02:41].
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Yes. We are in this year of our lord 2022. We have decided for us, you do you, but we have decided for us that 2022 so far is the year where we just … We’re out of giddy up. We’re all fresh out of giddy up. We are no longer Rosie the Riveters. We are no longer full of resilience. We used all that up. This is the year where we survive by going largely dead inside.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s an army crawl. A full on … It was a go get ’em, cowgirls, and now it’s just an army crawl inch by inch.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. You know, it’s that thing that you see on the interwebs where people ask you how you are and you just gesture vaguely.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah. I love the gesture vaguely tweets.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Just at everything. We have, though, figured out that there’s one vibe of 2022 that we can embrace and that might save us and that is absurdity. Okay? I think that … I am punch drunk. I’m dead inside, I don’t care about much, but then my kid falls in the kitchen, like down on the ground, now that will get me through an entire hour.
Glennon Doyle:
Anything that is silly or nonsensical or absurd is really helping me this year and that’s what we’re going to embrace. Okay? To that end, this week, we decided to put out to you an episode full of joy and love and positivity and absurdity about the things that piss us off. Okay?
Abby Wambach:
I don’t know if I’ve been as excited to record a podcast.
Glennon Doyle:
Really?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. There’s just something about saying the things out loud that makes me very excited.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Uh oh. I’m scared.
Abby Wambach:
This is part of the absurdity of 2022. No, no, no.
Glennon Doyle:
About me?
Abby Wambach:
No. It’s nothing that you don’t know. It’s nothing that I haven’t said. It’s fun to talk about the shit that pisses us off.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Pet peeves.
Abby Wambach:
It’s so fun.
Amanda Doyle:
Because I feel like right now, I mean, we do this whole thing where we talk about the super hard legit things like we need to talk about these deep pains, and naming them is helpful but we feel like these little peevish things that just annoy us are little problems but I think naming them and having other people be like, “Yes” because we are all on the solitary last nerve … It’s like we had all the nerves, the camel was unburdened, and now after two years of pandemmy, the camel, it’s too much straw and the nerves are one.
Amanda Doyle:
This is why right now it’s like we could take 18 months of the people in our house slurping up their cereal but on the 19th month, it’s done now. It is done. We are finished.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Well, because we also cared about … The reason we didn’t say anything or lose our shit before is because we still cared about making it through well. Like we felt like if there’s an end line, we were going to have our moment where it was going to be over and people would look at us and our family and say, “Wow.”
Abby Wambach:
You did it good.
Glennon Doyle:
You are an angel in the house. You won.
Amanda Doyle:
Good and faithful servant. You have done it.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
What a love warrior, you were.
Glennon Doyle:
But now we’ve realized that’s not going to happen. We don’t even see an end line. We no longer care what people think of us and our home.
Abby Wambach:
Yup.
Glennon Doyle:
We just want to stop hating everybody. We’re going to do what it takes to make the things stop that bother us. Okay? Right?
Amanda Doyle:
It’s every woman for themselves in the house now.
Glennon Doyle:
Everybody for themselves.
Glennon Doyle:
Today we’re talking about pet peeves. Okay? A pet peeve, it’s something that annoys the hell out of you but the pet part of it is like you believe, at least, that it’s particular to you, it’s something that insults your soul, the Whitman thing. It deeply insults your own soul but you’re not sure that anyone else’s soul is insulted by it.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s like a talent or like a special gift that’s been given just to you to protect your soul by giving you this thing that you hate about the world or other people. Do you feel that’s correct about what a pet peeve is?
Amanda Doyle:
I do. This is why I think it’s confusing because if you research it, there’s all of these things that are categorized as pet peeves that are actually just sub-optimal behaviors. Like not acceptable behaviors. Like talking with your mouth full, staring at people … I don’t think these are appropriately categorized as pet peeves because it’s just like, people, stop doing that.
Amanda Doyle:
A pet peeve is some idiosyncratic thing that annoys you and that might not annoy other people to the extent it annoys you. It has something to do with you, specifically, whereas somebody else’s pet peeve might not bother you at all.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. What are pet peeves that are super general to all of us? Before we get into the specifics of ours.
Amanda Doyle:
Common ones are cracking knuckles, scraping a plate with a fork and knife, like that sound, the sound of styrofoam against styrofoam.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. I don’t like that one.
Amanda Doyle:
People who talk about themselves in the third person.
Glennon Doyle:
Glennon hates that. Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
Overuse of literally. Like, “It’s literally raining cats and dogs.” It is not.
Abby Wambach:
I do that.
Amanda Doyle:
It is not in fact literally raining cats and dogs.
Glennon Doyle:
Everyone in this house literally does that every four seconds. When did literally start? Was it the Kardashians? Who did literally to us?
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t know.
Abby Wambach:
Literally and actually.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m literally falling apart right now. My insides are literally on fire.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s so good. It’s your like … Actually means directly the opposite of that, what you’re trying to say.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
Slow walkers, losing socks in the dryer, talking to people while you still have your AirPods in, people do not like this, people not standing to the right side of the escalator, the sound of slurping, things like this.
Amanda Doyle:
Then there’s this whole other category of things that people call their pet peeves but I think we’re just giving humanity a little too low of a bar to call these pet peeves. I think we should … Lovey would say just do better, world.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
Things like saying no offense right before you say something offensive, [crosstalk 00:10:01].
Abby Wambach:
That’s so annoying, or after, right?
Amanda Doyle:
Or after. Right. Standing too close to people, being a close talker, clipping your nails in public.
Glennon Doyle:
Ew.
Amanda Doyle:
Interrupting.
Abby Wambach:
What?
Amanda Doyle:
People who don’t pick up after their dog. Receiving a non-apology.
Abby Wambach:
Hold on. I got to go back to the clipping your nails in public. That’s a thing?
Amanda Doyle:
It’s a thing that people say is a pet peeve of theirs. Any self-grooming in public, people do not like.
Abby Wambach:
Who the hell is clipping their nails in public?
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. I do think that there’s a distinct difference because saying that’s my pet peeve, the people giving a non-apology, is taking responsibility for something that is actually everyone else’s responsibility. That’s not a pet peeve. That’s just like wisdom.
Amanda Doyle:
Right. It’s just like we’re trying to have a civilization here, people. Stop doing these things.
Glennon Doyle:
We understand it wasn’t written down. Like you didn’t get a contract that said, “We, the people, in order to form a less disgusting union will not clip our fricking nails in public but we just thought it was understood.”
Amanda Doyle:
Right.
Glennon Doyle:
Dude on the train, sorry. It’s just my pet peeve that people don’t clip their toenails next to me. Like, no. Do better.
Amanda Doyle:
Right. That’s why we’re not talking really about those today because we just insist upon a higher standard of the union, but it’s the little things that say something more about you that bothers you in other people’s behavior.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Okay. I can talk about some of my biggest personal pet peeve category. Do you want me to start?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. I can’t wait.
Glennon Doyle:
Well, I think you would know what it is.
Abby Wambach:
I know everything. I know everything and I know all of these things are relating specifically to me also.
Glennon Doyle:
No. No. That’s not true. All of these things annoyed me long before you.
Abby Wambach:
Okay. That’s good.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. You just kind of embodied them all. Baby, I’m joking. Okay. What I have thought about for the last bit in trying to figure out what my pet peeves are is they have a category, most of my pet peeves have to do with sound.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, yeah. Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s like loudness, like people who for no reason, just speak in a voice that is so loud in general. First of all, I don’t understand. No one has told them that everyone is close and can hear? General loudness.
Abby Wambach:
What if they’re just trying to get their point across?
Glennon Doyle:
Public spaces where people have no auditorial yield. I just feel like when we are in public spaces, again, we have gotten this memo about forming a more perfect union where we are going to understand that we’re not going to use voices that encroach upon other people’s space.
Abby Wambach:
But you’re saying public, you’re in public.
Glennon Doyle:
No.
Abby Wambach:
This is a public space.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Well, you know you’re not allowed to scream fire in public. You’re not allowed to just walk up to me and smack me but when you stand next to me with your damn FaceTime or your effing speakerphone and you have a conversation about your business, like your business is the most important thing on Earth and you are almost always a man, and you are speaking so freaking loudly next to me, it is as if you have auditorially slapped me.
Abby Wambach:
That’s right. Remember the guy that was-
Glennon Doyle:
… noise pollution.
Abby Wambach:
The guy that you were having a FaceTime call in public and he was having a FaceTime call in public and he was yelling. He was properly yelling on the phone.
Glennon Doyle:
I was hiding in a corner in a hotel.
Abby Wambach:
And you asked him, you said, “Could you please be a little bit more quiet? We’re doing the same thing.” He just goes, “I was here first.”
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah and he wasn’t and then he stayed and he got louder and louder and louder to prove a point to me. He just kept doing all of his calls.
Abby Wambach:
What a jerk. “I was here first.”
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Anyway.
Amanda Doyle:
I mean, it is like noise pollution. It’s like say someone came and was [crosstalk 00:14:24].
Glennon Doyle:
It’s noise pollution.
Amanda Doyle:
And had a bunch of their stuff and then they just threw it at you.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
You’re not allowed to throw your trash at someone’s person but you can throw your noise all over other people’s experiences? It’s weird.
Glennon Doyle:
How about the people that purposefully spend extra money to make their cars louder?
Abby Wambach:
That’s something I can’t understand.
Glennon Doyle:
So that I have a fricking heart attack every time their car drives by. It is as if I have to recover and it’s like did you not get enough attention as a child? Why with the loud cars?
Abby Wambach:
What about the noise upsets you? Why is it upsetting? No judgment. Why is it upsetting?
Glennon Doyle:
Well, I mean, I think that there are some people who are probably more highly sensitive to noise, right? And clearly always been a highly sensitive person, so noise makes me … I mean, you know when you sneeze or when the doorbell rings, it is as if I have been attacked by enemy fire.
Abby Wambach:
I know.
Glennon Doyle:
My body doesn’t know how to … I can break out in a cold sweat. You know that.
Abby Wambach:
I know.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s terrifying to me.
Abby Wambach:
I’ve gotten the look, like I’ve actually hurt you after I’ve just done something my body naturally does. She looks at me with death eyes. I’m like, “I’m sorry.” Also, it’s a sneeze. I can’t warn you. It just happens.
Glennon Doyle:
I know. There’s no warning.
Abby Wambach:
“Hey, babe. I’m about to sneeze.” You know? I’m a big person.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s an attack.
Amanda Doyle:
Another reason why I think your kind of FaceTime and speakerphone conversations in public, why it’s universally annoying to a lot of people, they did studies of this where it’s the fact that your brain’s job is to have closure on things. Your brain can’t shut off that conversation. They call it a half-alog. Your brain is hearing half of the conversation and, first of all, you’re annoyed that it has intruded on your space but now your brain is doing the work of figuring out, “Whoa is he being rude to that person? What are they negotiating? What is happening over there?” And your brain is trying to figure it out but you’re not getting all of the information and so it frustrates your brain and that leads to …
Glennon Doyle:
Wow.
Amanda Doyle:
To another level of annoyance.
Glennon Doyle:
That makes sense to me, because I’m such an internal person, so I’m always thinking things through. I’m not really in the outside world anyway. I’m internal, so when you come in with all your noise, it’s like you’ve entered my brain.
Abby Wambach:
You’ve interrupted.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. You’ve interrupted me.
Abby Wambach:
It’s basic.
Glennon Doyle:
Even though, I’m by myself and not speaking to anyone, you have completely interrupted me. Right?
Amanda Doyle:
And co-opted my brain. Now you’re giving my brain a job to do that my brain didn’t have before. Now I have to figure out … I don’t know. Are they going to get through this? Is this a breakup? It’s going to happen right now and now my brain is involved in what you’re doing.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. My brain is involved in your business call and I do just feel like there’s something that insults my soul also about it. You really don’t see anyone else around you. The fact that you …
Glennon Doyle:
On a plane, and then the dude is having … He’s using his outside voice to have a business call and he actually believes this is the most important thing, not to him but to everyone else in this cabin. There’s just something that really …
Amanda Doyle:
Well, it’s like vocal manspreading.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. It’s vocal manspreading. Then it turns into a hostage situation. We’re all in a hostage situation. You know what else bothers me is that we all have agreed that we will just all be uncomfortable and annoyed but we won’t interrupt the guy who is interrupting all of us. We won’t say to him, “Dude, are you effing kidding me?” We just all have to suffer silently.
Glennon Doyle:
My category of pet peeve is sound boundaries, which I am going to now call soundaries.
Abby Wambach:
For however long we’ve been knowing each other and together and married, this is the thing, right? This is your thing. I wonder and I actually … This is an honest question. This is not trying to be snarky in any way.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Abby Wambach:
Is there any part of this that is your responsibility to train your brain to not be interrupted?
Glennon Doyle:
I don’t know if I can not be interrupted but I fully believe that my obsession with quiet is a slice of insanity on this earth that I am living on with other people and machines.
Abby Wambach:
Yes. I hear you. I do understand that. But because it’s so problematic for you in your life and almost every public arena and even in your private life living with me, is there then a cause to let’s try and work on maybe not having this thing affect you in such a negative way. Is there a way that we can work on loud noises not being so interruptive to you in your brain? I wonder.
Glennon Doyle:
I would love that. I’m not against progress. I also would love to have peace and I would love to not be so upset by noise. What do you think, babe? What’s your pet peeve?
Amanda Doyle:
Is it having to hold in sneezes?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Having to hold in sneezes. That’s not a pet peeve. That’s just painful. Okay. I’ve got a couple. Number one, slow walkers. Anybody walking slow. I don’t get it.
Glennon Doyle:
I have to text her in airports sometimes because she’s so far ahead of me.
Abby Wambach:
It’s nothing I can do about it.
Glennon Doyle:
She can’t hear me, so I have to text her and say, “I’m back here. I’ve stopped for a coffee.”
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Or just like in general, anybody doing things at a snail’s pace.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, I’m so sorry.
Abby Wambach:
I know. But the bigger one I think for me isn’t necessarily sound barriers or boundaries. It’s just overall my stuff.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
… of seven kids. I don’t like it when people … For instance, Amma just came into my room this morning and she’s like, “Can I borrow your tweezers?” I was like, “You know what? Just have them.”
Glennon Doyle:
It’s so sad to have hope that she’s going to return them?
Abby Wambach:
I’ve got two here and I don’t want to be upset, because I know that those tweezers are going to come back and there’s going to be a little ding in one of them.
Glennon Doyle:
If they even come back.
Abby Wambach:
They never come back. What am I kidding? I got to go search for them. Just like take it. Borrowing my clothes, because I know that nobody will take care of those clothes quite like me. When it comes back … See, I’m just doing it to protect people, because I know that nobody … If somebody gives me something of mine back and it is dirty or less than, I’m pissed at that person.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. You’re protecting your relationship.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s actually very good boundary-ing.
Abby Wambach:
I’m annoyed.
Amanda Doyle:
I get this. You know, I do that with people and information. There’s so many people who say things to their friend that they know can’t keep a secret and then they say, “Please don’t share this with anyone” and then, of course, because everybody knows that that friend can’t keep a secret, they then do disclose it and then you’re mad at them.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Amanda Doyle:
I’m like you should be mad at you.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
You gave that friend information that they could not handle.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s right.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s on you.
Abby Wambach:
That’s right.
Glennon Doyle:
It was your self-control problem. You knew what you were getting into. You’re protecting … Our family doesn’t have any boundaries with things.
Abby Wambach:
No boundaries.
Glennon Doyle:
I have not taught that [crosstalk 00:22:44].
Abby Wambach:
Zero.
Glennon Doyle:
No. We just walk into each other’s shit and just grab things.
Abby Wambach:
For all the stepparents out there, or the bonus parents like we call it, that’s a thing. That was hard for me to get used to at first. When the kids started to actually like me, there was a lack of boundaries with body … Like the way that they crawl on you and the way that they use your shit without ever asking and then the way that …
Glennon Doyle:
Like parasites.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. I just couldn’t understand it. I was like, no, this is adult stuff. This is an adult shirt. You’re not allowed to wear an adult’s shirt.
Glennon Doyle:
Our children walk into our room. They get in our bed. They get out of our bed. They go into our closet. They go through our … I have never ever taught stuff boundaries.
Abby Wambach:
I mean, the middle of the night, bed sleeping, I didn’t get this. I mean, I came in … Amma was eight, so I get it more with her but Tish was 10. Chase was 13. There were times where all three of them were in our bedroom sleeping, some were on the floor, some were on the bed, and I’m just like I guess this is what life is now? Not only are the boundaries of my personal shit gone, the boundaries of space and stuff and … I don’t know.
Glennon Doyle:
Abby has cool clothes and they fit our kids. Everybody at our … I will look around the dinner table at night and every single person at the table, including Craig, will have Abby’s shit on.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. That’s something.
Amanda Doyle:
Do you think that that was a gradual … When you put it like that, that sounds crazy. But then I feel like for people who maybe were with the baby since they were born, it’s just a gradual breaking down of any kind of dignity or personal integrity or any idea that-
Abby Wambach:
It’s all gone.
Amanda Doyle:
… stuff is sacred or anything belongs to you.
Abby Wambach:
I had dignity. I came in with dignity. Strong.
Glennon Doyle:
Do you feel like you still have it or have you gone dead inside about it?
Abby Wambach:
No. It’s gone.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay.
Abby Wambach:
Gone.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s good.
Abby Wambach:
I mean, literally, Tish wore a sweatshirt … I mean, luckily, now they know it pisses me off so much but they at least ask before they take something that they know I like or I just got.
Glennon Doyle:
Like her favorite thing.
Abby Wambach:
Like my new favorite sweatshirt I just got. She’s like, “Can I wear this?” I’m like, “Fine.” She’s like, “Thank you.”
Glennon Doyle:
It is one of your things and it makes perfect sense as the youngest of seven and not going through the slippery slope of loss of dignity with coming in late to parenting and you want the things put back where they belong and …
Abby Wambach:
Also, there’s a little nugget here. I’m going to digress. The little thing that’s just me personally I think …
Glennon Doyle:
Are you going to talk about the sink?
Abby Wambach:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Amanda Doyle:
Glennon was really leaning into the borrowing because it didn’t affect her.
Abby Wambach:
Okay. The sink that we have, the sink that we’ve always had, the sink that all people have.
Glennon Doyle:
The sink that all people have.
Abby Wambach:
Has a hole. Some sinks have a disposal thing that you get to wash the food down and then you press a button or you flip a switch and the disposal, it gets all of the food [crosstalk 00:26:14]. Disposal.
Glennon Doyle:
What?
Abby Wambach:
Dispose all.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s a garbage that … You know, grr.
Abby Wambach:
Disposal.
Glennon Doyle:
A disposal.
Abby Wambach:
I think I call it a dispose all.
Glennon Doyle:
She’s saying it dispose all.
Abby Wambach:
It disposes all.
Glennon Doyle:
No.
Abby Wambach:
All food. My family seems to think that the disposal is just for when food goes down the drain, not to rinse food that is on the bottom of the sink. Dishes need to get done by the folks in our family, the way we do it, the dish folks are the ones who have not done anything to cook the food.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. Don’t cook, dishes.
Abby Wambach:
I go sit down and I get to play on my phone for 10 lovely minutes by myself after dinner. Almost every single time I walk back into the kitchen to get my tea and I look down at the bottom of the sink and there is all of what was left on everyone’s plate that night at dinner on the bottom of the sink.
Glennon Doyle:
It has been disposed none.
Abby Wambach:
I repeat.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s a dispose none.
Abby Wambach:
It’s a dispose none sink.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s so upsetting to you.
Abby Wambach:
The kind of rage … I’m like the job is not finished.
Glennon Doyle:
You have given entire speeches.
Abby Wambach:
First of all, when you finish your job of, let’s say, you rinsed the stuff off in the sink and then you put your dish in the dishwasher, who doesn’t look in the sink? What kind of a person do you have to be to not look at the sink to see that … Guess what happens? That food dries on the bottom of that sink.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. Okay. This is your pet peeve is the bottom of the sink.
Abby Wambach:
It’s so upsetting to me.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. I just want to explain one thing to you that I feel in the house that I have sort of a theory of work, okay? I call that … In my heart and mind, I call it the 90/10. Okay? I start big projects, I do really a lot of things.
Abby Wambach:
You do.
Glennon Doyle:
But I don’t … I start them, I organize, I putter, I do all of the things but I really get tired at the end. Okay? What I feel like is if I am starting a project in the house that I can take it to 90%. I can take it to 90% but then I’m going to leave the extra 10%.
Abby Wambach:
It’s what we’re teaching our children.
Glennon Doyle:
There’s going to be boxes in the hallway that need to go out to the garage or there’s going to be trash bags that need to go out to the trash or there’s going to be some food at the bottom of the sink but what I want is for my partner to come look at that 10% and say, “Well, she did 90%.”
Abby Wambach:
I actually don’t mind when you start a big project and all … That makes you happy and also not having to finish something is … That feels like an actual gift, an act of service that I can do for you. That’s something that I love.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m a starter and you’re a finisher.
Abby Wambach:
Yes. However, this theory, if applied to your soundaries, it would be like 10% of the time I just knowingly ignore the thing that pisses you off the most and I don’t knowingly do that.
Amanda Doyle:
I also feel like the 90% rule, the I’m a non-finisher rule should only apply to tasks that take longer than 30 minutes.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Okay. That’s fair.
Amanda Doyle:
A huge closet organization, great. Non-finisher rule. I’m going to leave all this crap around here because I’ve done my contribution but the non-finisher rule cannot apply to the 10 minute cleanup after dinner.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s such a good point.
Abby Wambach:
Here’s what we’re actually talking about.
Glennon Doyle:
Damn it.
Abby Wambach:
This is not a 10 minute situation. This is a five second deal. This is grabbing the sprayer, turning the faucet on, spraying water for five seconds, turning it off and their job is done.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Not putting in effort really pisses you off, because you also … I would say another of your pet peeves is when we’re watching the sports …
Abby Wambach:
Don’t get me started on people who jog places.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Abby Wambach:
You don’t ever take a fucking play or moment off. Like ever. To me, that’s like character.
Glennon Doyle:
When someone is not showing their best hustle, she stands up off the couch, gets very close to the television and makes us watch the person over and over and over again. She rewinds, “Watch that guy, that guy, that guy.”
Abby Wambach:
“Do you see it?”
Glennon Doyle:
What do you think? What is your category? If Abby is no hustle … Her pet peeve is no hustle. My pet peeve is no yield. If you’re not yielding, auditorially, if you’re not yielding on the street, if you’re not yielding in spirit, you insult my soul.
Abby Wambach:
It’s almost like we’re opposites.
Amanda Doyle:
Almost? You’re opposites. I have some common ones, like even thinking right now about chalk makes me want to … It hurts my teeth.
Glennon Doyle:
Why does it hurt our teeth?
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s very upsetting. I can’t hold chalk. I was never able to do sidewalk chalk with my kids. No thank you very much. Of course, like loud chewing, all of the things.
Amanda Doyle:
Then I have ones that I don’t know if they’re ones that bother people but people who stand too close to the baggage claim when it’s coming around. I don’t understand that. Why do we need to crowd the baggage claim? We could all just stand around, we could all see the bags, we could all go forward when our bags come and take them away but instead we’re all jostling for front row seats on the baggage claim. I don’t understand that.
Amanda Doyle:
Say we’re doing dinner and then the dinner is all ready and then we have some delay, because, of course, we have 1400 delays every time, someone has got to wash their hands and that takes 15 minutes, and then now it’s time to eat and the beautiful prepared meal is now cold. My darling husband will just take it and eat it. I’m like, “No, no, that’s cold now.” He’s like, “It’s fine.” That insults my soul, because I’m like this is supposed to be a warm meal, we just made a warm meal. We have hot machines right there in our house. We could just put it in the hot machine and then eat it as God intended it.
Abby Wambach:
That’s so good.
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t understand that.
Abby Wambach:
He’s trying to be polite and also he’s … From a big family, we ate lukewarm food forever.
Glennon Doyle:
But also … Sorry. No hustle, no yield, you’re no fine. You don’t like fine. Don’t give sister fine.
Amanda Doyle:
That is one of my pet peeves.
Glennon Doyle:
Don’t give sister fine.
Amanda Doyle:
Fine. People saying fine. About anything. “How is it?” “It’s fine.” You might as well say you are just average and barely … Fine makes me throw up in my mouth. Just the word.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Any version of acceptance of mediocrity, of not caring, of fineness is your … In any form, is your pet peeve. That’s one of your big pet peeve categories, your categories.
Amanda Doyle:
I also have another totally random one that I don’t know … It’s weird. The phrase, “I didn’t have time. I didn’t have time to do that. I didn’t have time to get to that”, this one has always, always bothered me. I just feel like it’s not intellectually honest, because there’s no having of the time. There’s just spending of the time.
Amanda Doyle:
We choose what we spend our time on. I want to say very clearly that this is the opposite of that whole meme like, “Beyonce has the same 24 hours in a day as you have”, like no, she doesn’t. That’s completely ableist and classist and shaming and ridiculous. I realize that I have the resources of a professional woman who cleans my house, a professional therapist who cleans my brain, a very involved partner, a mom down the street who is there for any emergencies.
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t have the same amount of time as somebody else. I have more of it. Maybe passivity is kind of my kryptonite too. It’s like mediocrity and passivity. I feel like just saying I don’t have time is basically suggesting that time will either arrive and giveth unto you or it will not, but that’s not how time works.
Amanda Doyle:
For me, I don’t say it because it allows me to actually realign my values. It’s either I haven’t made time or I haven’t prioritized that yet or I’m going to invest the time next week in that or that’s not a priority for me. It gives me the agency of it to not suggest that, “Oh, there’s just a dearth of time and I am expected to do all of this and I can’t.” It’s like, no, you can do whatever within your resources as they are, for any given person, just do with your time what you place the highest and best value on.
Glennon Doyle:
Yup.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s not to say that you should maximize every bit of time. That’s the opposite of what I’m saying. I perfectly respect people who are saying, “I invested a lot of time this week in my family. I am prioritizing my kids’ practices, I am going to make time for that next week.” I respect that more because you’re saying, you’re claiming what your time is.
Amanda Doyle:
I just want to clarify that I’m not saying optimize and make your time most efficient. It’s like actually be honest about what you’re doing and, in fact, nobody has time for everything. You are making time and you’re investing time in other shit.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. I get that. What else? Do you have any other ones, sissy?
Amanda Doyle:
I really don’t like a passive-aggressive CC on an email. Do you ever notice that? Where people think they’re telling on you or something by CCing someone on the email and you’re like, “Nope. Nope. We’re not doing that here.”
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Passive-aggressive CC. Yes, I have experienced those and I’m sure I have done those. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh, done those. Okay. Let’s talk about the things that we do that are annoying to other people. I know I have a shit ton of things that are so annoying. I can start. I have a lot of them.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Well, what are some of yours?
Abby Wambach:
I’m perfect.
Amanda Doyle:
I ask questions incessantly during TV shows and movies.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my god. That’s illegal.
Glennon Doyle:
Actually I do know that about you. We barely ever watch TV with you, because you are trying not to be mediocre and so I pretend when you’re with me, that I don’t watch TV all day, which is what I actually do. You know, I’m obsessed with reality TV and I’ve tried to watch it with you and it’s so awful. You can’t understand. You can’t understand what they’re doing. You can’t accept the Housewives for who they are to ask me questions as if any of it is logical. “Why is she doing that? Why is she screaming? Why is she behaving that way?”
Abby Wambach:
Who is so and so?
Glennon Doyle:
“Why does she dress that way?” What do you mean why? We don’t ask why. The Real Housewives are not to ask why to.
Abby Wambach:
Also, you’re not 10.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. Just keep thinking. Just be quiet and keep thinking and just keep reading. When you read, keep reading and you get context.
Amanda Doyle:
It makes John want to stab his eyes out.
Glennon Doyle:
Of course.
Amanda Doyle:
He looks at me like, “I can’t believe I love you, you’re horrible.” I don’t know why. I can’t stop. I’m like, “Do you think she’s really going … They’re not going to let her die in this movie, are they?” I can’t. All the time, can’t stop asking.
Amanda Doyle:
I also do this very annoying thing where I say in a very passive-aggressive way, “We should do X.” You know? Like, “We need to take out the recycling. We need to …” But I 100% for sure mean I would like you to.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Even more, you mean why the hell haven’t you yet? That’s what you mean.
Amanda Doyle:
I think if I say we … Oh God. It’s so bad. Yeah. I do that. I am late and I view my lateness-
Abby Wambach:
Why?
Amanda Doyle:
Because I chronically … I start going places later than I should.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Now that is intellectually honest. Thank you.
Amanda Doyle:
But I always, in my head, am like, “Oh, that was situational. Oh my God. Can you believe?” Except that every single time, it takes me 20% longer than I give myself but then I act like that 20% is a complete fucking surprise. Every time.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s interesting. I would say that …
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. What are yours?
Glennon Doyle:
I think it’s interesting that you have lateness as one of your annoying things and lateness to me is a pet peeve.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh no. It’s like a phobia of yours. It’s like a deeply rooted scary thing for you.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. It’s very upsetting to me and I think it’s because of my addiction years, because I so didn’t show up for so much and I disappointed so many people that being late now, it really triggers something in me.
Abby Wambach:
Well, either way, it’s the right way to live.
Glennon Doyle:
Well, except that it’s also … I have learned from a lot of people that being supremely annoyed about other people’s lateness actually has a lot of ableism in it. There’s a lot of issues related to neurodiversity that lead to lateness and also that there’s a lot of capitalistic patriarchal whiteness in everyone has to be … It’s very …
Abby Wambach:
That’s right.
Glennon Doyle:
American and all of that. I actually asked … We polled our family last night about what is the most annoying things that we do. We asked our kids. I think it’s interesting that what you said to me about the most annoying thing about me is how easily annoyed I get. That actually having so many things that disturb me is the most disturbing thing about me, because …
Amanda Doyle:
That’s awesome.
Glennon Doyle:
Because it’s like, first of all, just annoying but there’s a serious thing about it, which I think that probably anybody who lives with somebody with anxiety or deals with the ripple effects of that, which is that it affects the whole family’s experience all the time, because everyone is feeling like in public places they have to protect this person or they are now hyper-sensitive of everyone’s volume and everyone’s blah, blah, blah, because this person has rippled their anxiety into the rest of the family.
Glennon Doyle:
I think being so easily annoyed is something that is annoying.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. By the way, I just want to make sure the pod squad-ers know that Glennon and I talk at length about this and this is something she also understands and accepts as part of who she is.
Glennon Doyle:
Totally.
Abby Wambach:
I am not trying to point and get her and point something out.
Glennon Doyle:
No. Although, we should do an episode like that. A surprise attack.
Abby Wambach:
Glennon’s sensitivity is one of the things that I love about her the most and it also makes it the hardest in moments to live with her. I would bet our family feels that way. But I’m not attacking you. I think this is who you are and I have to come to accept this about you.
Abby Wambach:
But sometimes it’s just like when a sports game is on and I scream, because there was a play, there was this moment that was amazing and I’m like, “Oh my gosh.”
Glennon Doyle:
And I’m on the floor in the kitchen. “Are we being attacked? Are the kids okay?”
Abby Wambach:
Then you realize this is sports. There’s a moment in time where we fight this invisible battle I suppose that is like, “I’m doing the right thing and also you’re doing the right thing” and it’s just a thing.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s marriage. It’s like, “Oh, here we are again where you’re being you and I’m being me” and there’s nothing we can do about it ever.
Abby Wambach:
That’s right.
Glennon Doyle:
There’s no point of saying sorry because nobody is freaking changing.
Abby Wambach:
Right.
Glennon Doyle:
If we love each other madly, if we could have, we would have for each other. No. Abby is going to keep being loud and surprising and I am going to keep being ridiculously sensitive about that loudness and surprises and we’re just going to keep staring at each other forever just being like, “Here we are again. You being you, me being me.”
Abby Wambach:
I think accepting that moment, right? That invisible irk-ness, that invisible moment where we’re both like … Like accepting like that is who you are.
Glennon Doyle:
What’s your annoying thing?
Abby Wambach:
Well, I’m pretty perfect.
Glennon Doyle:
Can we talk about sneezing?
Abby Wambach:
… the loudness, the sneezing and the coughing that I don’t … First of all, I don’t muzzle or mute myself.
Amanda Doyle:
You’re unyielding.
Abby Wambach:
Quite like the way that you would want. I sometimes forget to cover my mouth.
Glennon Doyle:
I just want to point out.
Amanda Doyle:
This is a very common one.
Glennon Doyle:
This is not …
Amanda Doyle:
I suggest it goes on the do better list, not on the pet peeve list.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. This is [crosstalk 00:45:54]. This is right.
Glennon Doyle:
I am a former pre-school and third grade teacher and I know that everyone gets taught that we, the people, in order to form a less virus-y union freaking put our arms over our mouths when we sneeze as an act of service.
Abby Wambach:
I know but, babe.
Glennon Doyle:
You too could be a patriot, Abby.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly.
Abby Wambach:
The masks, now I’m just like, I’m good, I just cover the sides, make sure it doesn’t come out.
Glennon Doyle:
To be fair, have you always done that or did you before our marriage feel like it was okay just to sneeze out loud in a room?
Abby Wambach:
I felt like it was fine.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah and it’s not.
Abby Wambach:
I know it’s not. I know in my mind it’s not but also the sneeze comes at me quick and powerfully.
Glennon Doyle:
I just want to say at the end of this pet peeve conversation …
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. How are you feeling? Are you pissed at me?
Glennon Doyle:
No.
Abby Wambach:
Oh good.
Glennon Doyle:
I just love you so much.
Abby Wambach:
I love you too.
Glennon Doyle:
Thanks. I know you’re going to be Abby and I’m going to be Glennon and sister is going to be sister.
Abby Wambach:
And this is the way that we continue moving forward in our marriage is just like the … The beginning parts of relationships, it’s just like oh my gosh, everything is so new and you’re amazing and it turns into deeper loving and all of the things and then it’s just like basically we just got to accept each other.
Glennon Doyle:
Don’t you think that the thing that attracts you to each other is … I am sure that one of the things that attracted me to you was your living largeness, was your taking up space, was your boldness and that’s what drew me to you …
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. What is our next right thing? I don’t know. Tell us your pet peeves. I want to hear from the pod squad what your pet peeves are.
Abby Wambach:
And I think the next right thing isn’t just that. I think it also needs to be about what are we doing? We know having said these pet peeves out loud, I think that now it’s like, “Oh, is there a way I can lessen the ones that are annoying other people around me” and also work on the ones that annoy me because I’m the one that’s suffering over here. Is going dead inside about people borrowing my shit what I need to do so as to not suffer myself?
Glennon Doyle:
Right. Going dead inside as a strategy, full circle. How can we go dead inside about these pet peeves and which ones are in the do better list? Because one of the best things that ever happened to me is when one of my friends gave me a stack of business cars that say nothing but stop talking.
Glennon Doyle:
You can go around the airport and to the man who is doing the very loud business call, you can just hand him a card that says stop talking. I’ve never actually done it but they’re in my purse and they feel good being there.
Abby Wambach:
That would be so fucking amazing if you did it one time.
Glennon Doyle:
In case of emergency. We forgot to mention manspreading on a plane.
Abby Wambach:
Oh Jesus.
Glennon Doyle:
I want you to know pod squad, that as an act of service for all of us, if someone is manspreading next to me on a plane, I, and perhaps this is a good metaphor for the way that I react to pet peeves, I will put both of my arms on … I will spend six hours on a flight spreading out as much as humanely possible, so that I am in pain just to prove my point that that dude does not get any of my space.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh my God.
Abby Wambach:
It’s upsetting for sure.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Let’s hear from the opposite of our pet peeves, our pet loves, our pod squad-er of the week, Emily.
Emily:
Hi, Glennon, Abby, and sister. My name is Emily. When you were talking about teachers being superheroes, that whole discussion hit me like a brick, because I am a high school teacher and one of the things that I don’t know if this is applicable for other people and whatever but I always think make it tangible. When everyone is like, “Teachers should be paid a billion dollars”, I’m like no one is going to pay teachers a billion dollars but if everyone said teachers should be paid $80,000, then actual change would happen.
Emily:
That’s my big pet peeve and feeling of a way we could make change is by changing the way we talk about things like that and making real actual changes that we think people should earn, things along those lines, what have they earned and being specific and not hyperbolic, because that’s the only way that we can get change.
Glennon Doyle:
Ugh. That’s exactly right, Emily. That’s exactly right. We’ve talked about that before in terms of whenever we throw those things at people, she’s a superhero, they’re superheroes, they’re … That’s just a way of pandering that is more virtue signaling of the person who is saying it than anything that’s beneficial to the person you’re saying it about.
Amanda Doyle:
And, in fact, detrimental because we’re saying they’re superheroes, they can and should, in fact, continue doing unreasonable levels of work, which they can do because they’re superheroes. Normal people should not be expected to do that but they should.
Abby Wambach:
That’s right.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Yeah. Instead of a little graphic that says teachers are superheroes and they should be paid a billion dollars, make a political call that actually states what teachers need, which is more money, more benefits, better maternity/paternity leave, all of those things that people who are actually humans and not superheroes need.
Amanda Doyle:
Also, other pet peeve note, can I just throw out another one because as we’re talking, it really churns me with the teacher thing, can we just make a minor suggestion that as you’re considering teacher appreciation gifts and thank yous to teachers, holiday gifts and stuff, maybe less of like the mug with your kid’s face on it or the ornament with your kid’s face on it. Maybe more cash money. Maybe more gift cards.
Amanda Doyle:
I’m pretty sure they’re seeing a lot of your kid’s face lots of hours of the day but what they’re not really seeing is those dollar bills.
Abby Wambach:
That’s right.
Glennon Doyle:
Amen.
Abby Wambach:
That’s right.
Glennon Doyle:
As a former teacher, I will tell you that there was one year when I wanted those things. That was the first year that I taught. I was so in love with those kids that I did want your little lollipop doll that you made with your kid’s face on it but I think it is a good rule in general to remember as a parent that no one loves your child like you do. No one in the whole world. No one, not even their teacher. If you’re considering a gift with your kid’s face on it, really for anyone else, cash instead. With that, we can do hard things. We’ll see you next week.