The One Way to Get the Truth from Someone
October 10, 2023
Glennon Doyle:
Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things if you have not, go back-
Amanda Doyle:
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Everyone’s pants are on fire. Go back and listen to last Thursday’s episode number 243 where we’re talking about lying and truth and what the hell is lying and why are we all liars. And we’re talking to you about what our particular lying style is in hopes that you might figure out what your particular lying style is so that you can have more compassion for yourself and understand yourself.
Amanda Doyle:
And we’re going to end it with hot take about the only way that they’ve identified for how to prevent people from lying to you.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh.
Amanda Doyle:
Wait for it. It’s a good one. Very interesting.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, I don’t know that thing. And also I’m thinking, why would you want that thing?
Amanda Doyle:
Well, this is why you have to use it carefully.
Glennon Doyle:
Why would you want no one to lie to you? That feels so scary to me.
Amanda Doyle:
No, no, no. Not no one to lie to you. If there’s a particular person and context where you don’t want someone to lie to you about something.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, great. Okay. Ooh, that’s so exciting. Okay, in the last episode, Abby identified her lying language as-
Abby Wambach:
Bullshitter.
Glennon Doyle:
Bullshitter. Just someone who makes shit up. Briefly, how would you describe it, babe?
Abby Wambach:
In my need to want to seem smarter than I am, to know more than I do everything that comes in my mouth sometimes is not fact driven.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, great.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s puffery. And that makes total sense that you came from the soccer world. If people had to be like, you think you’re going to win this game?
Abby Wambach:
Fuck yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
Of course you had to be like, hell yeah. We’re going to win this game. We’re amazing. And I feel fully confident even though you’re like, we’re likely going to lose this match.
Abby Wambach:
We never really thought we were going to lose any match, first of all. Second of all, there are some times in my family’s life that my belief without fact is really good. I do know that.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God, she believes with no evidence. It’s reckless, it’s beautiful. Your bullshitting ways can be very, very beautiful and helpful. Also-
Abby Wambach:
What a good sentence.
Amanda Doyle:
Her next book, the Beautiful Bullshitter.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. And what I would say about bullshitters is I’ve had a few experiences where Abby’s been out of town and someone’s visited me in my home. And what I want you to know is that it’s the worst thing that could ever happen. We just sit there. No one talks, no one says anything. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. There’s so many beautiful things about the bullshitters, but one is that they’re entertaining and they bring everyone together.
Abby Wambach:
And shoot the shit.
Glennon Doyle:
Shoot the shit, whatever shooting the shit is, it’s helpful for other people to do. So I’m going to need some help figuring this out. I’m going to do my best description of what Abby and I have figured out my lying language is. I’m calling it a puppeteer. What my kind of lying is is constantly believing that there is a way to present a fact or information that is the right way that will make everyone who’s listening to it feel a certain way. That the fact is released in the most favorable light to everyone that believes that there should be a filter on every sentence that comes out of every mouth that is considering the effect of the thing that they’re saying on everyone.
Abby Wambach:
So beautiful.
Glennon Doyle:
So, well that’s sweet.
Abby Wambach:
I mean, it is so beautiful and also-
Glennon Doyle:
Exhausting for everyone.
Abby Wambach:
Well for you it’s got to be really exhausting.
Amanda Doyle:
I’m exhausted just listening to you say what you just said.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Okay. So we’re trying to think of examples, which by the way is every day. But we were thinking of one that you were involved with because that would be fun for you. So before your birthday, this is a crossing of both of our lie languages. This is one story, which is why we thought it’d be fun to share. So we gave you a gold chain.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh god. Yeah.
Abby Wambach:
A gold necklace.
Glennon Doyle:
We gave you a gold necklace.
Amanda Doyle:
So beautiful.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. And Abby and I were in bed. That is of course where most of our stories start.
Amanda Doyle:
It was 8:04.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. Right. And you were at the foot of our bed. We gave you the necklace and you opened it and said, it’s so beautiful. And then Abby said, I found it on the thing. I was looking through the thing, I ordered it, whatever. I got that for you. I thought that you would like it. Whatever, whatever. Okay. And then you said, Abby, I love it. Thank you so much. And then you left and then I was quiet. I was quiet at Abby.
Amanda Doyle:
You were quiet in her direction.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes, I was extremely quiet, aggressively. And Abby always knows right away, so she knew what happened, but she pretended she didn’t know what happened. So she was saying, what’s wrong? What’s wrong? What’s wrong?
Amanda Doyle:
You’re like, what’s wrong? Please don’t say what’s wrong. What’s wrong? I really want to know. I definitely don’t want to talk about this.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah,
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. So here is what I would say about it is true. It was true that Abby found that necklace. It is also true that we discussed what we were going to get. That I had three things on my list that day that she had three things on her list that day, that order the necklace was on her list, that it is true that she ordered the necklace. It is also true that it is a deeper truth that in our marriage we energetically do things together.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s like communal property, communal duties, communal gift.
Glennon Doyle:
For example, on Christmas morning, every time my kid opens a present and all the adults around, I’m not like, Hey kid, I ordered that. I sent it, I went up. Right? Okay. So
Amanda Doyle:
See you in hell Santa. I did all of this.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. So this is a crossing of our lie languages because Abby is important for everyone to know what she’s done in that moment. It is important for me to control the narrative. I am always trying to control the narrative. So very recently we’re going to the mall. One of my kids has asked to get something, the other kid has asked to get something. Abby and I have agreed that it’s more important that this other kid gets this thing, that trip. Abby will look at the first kid and say, we’re not going to the mall for your shit. We’re going for hers. I might die inside at that moment. That is true. I might say we are going to the mall for two different reasons that are equally important.
Glennon Doyle:
I am constantly wanting to present information in a way that makes everyone feel a certain way. And so everything that everyone says feels like a minefield to me. I’m constantly going behind people changing what they just said. So this person hears it a certain way. Changing what you said, changing how you said it, why you said it when you said it. Why’d we have to say that right now? Why isn’t that a truth we held back, why didn’t we wait until next month to say it? It’s like a God complex or something. It’s a fear of letting things just be. It’s the reason why if you relate to the Taylor Swift Mastermind song, that made me feel so seen. It’s like this idea that there’s a way to control the truth that will-
Amanda Doyle:
Take the edge off.
Glennon Doyle:
That’ll take the edge off that will make. I think sometimes it’s selfish. It’s like what will make me look the best? Yes, that is true that that’s the reason why I did that. But it’s also true that I did it for this other reason. So can we focus on this other reason? Because that makes me-
Amanda Doyle:
Oh, I see what you’re saying now. I see what you’re saying it now. Okay. So truth, raw truth is not fit for human consumption. We need to take the truth and filter it through the light most favorable and on the other side. Now it’s a consumable. So this is why you feel the need to put your fingers on and touch and edit things that are happening because you can keep the truth, but make it come out in a way that you feel like reflects you better or impacts others better.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. And so what I think is interesting about that puppeteer way, I think a lot of that has to do with parenting for me, I’m thinking about everyone. I’m thinking about everyone’s feelings, but I am also always thinking about the way the kids are seeing me as their mom, as their parent. I’m also filtering it for the way that it’s going to make me feel like a good mom or a good ex-wife or a good new wife or a good mom or a good writer or whatever. So what I think is interesting about this “control freak”, puppeteer kind of lying, which is controlling and manipulating and filtering the truth is that I think whereas Abby’s core fear is like, am I good enough? Mine is, am I good? Mine has always been like if people saw the complete full unfiltered that would not be good.
Amanda Doyle:
I understand what you’re saying right now. So you’re like the comms director of truth.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.Yes,
Amanda Doyle:
You are like, I am going to present the truth, but it’s too unruly just to have the truth out there. We can’t come or we’re going to them mall for her, not you. Because that is too subject to interpretation that might reflect in a way that you haven’t controlled. Whereas if you can take the truth and leave no room for interpretation as to how it is presented, then you can feel calm because you’ll know the way everyone is receiving that. You can’t just leave it up to everyone else to interpret what happens because that is too scary.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. I’m just making it more beautiful. What is the truest, most beautiful version of this moment is my version. Right. So the comms, the truths communication, truths public relations. Yeah, that’s it. But I do think in at the bottom of that is trust. Am I always willing to let everything be and that it’ll be okay? No. And am I good? Well, I don’t know that. So I’m just going to shade everything up.
Amanda Doyle:
I actually get that comms piece. I think I get that sometimes why it’s so jarring to me. If John will just send a text, someone will say, can you all come over or can one of the kids go over and he’ll just be like, no, we can’t. And I’m like, well, that was reckless as shit. You have to give the context of how… And I think it’s this fear that everyone’s out there just waiting to decide that you’re an asshole or something. But if we just trusted that people are going to receive that information in a favorable way towards us, that would be a more calm way to live.
Glennon Doyle:
And I don’t do it as much with other people. I would say I do it incessantly and exhaustingly with my family. Sometimes when the kids leave and they’re not here or the one goes back to college or whatever, I feel like I can breathe in a way that I don’t sometimes when they’re present because I’m constantly trying to control everyone’s perceptions of everything.
Amanda Doyle:
So do you think that that was like that pre-divorce or do you think that this is, you feel, I’m wondering if it’s, you feel so fearful at a deep level that they’ll be like, you messed things up for the family by getting divorced, so you need to prove everything’s good. I’m surprised to hear you say that actually, because you seem so comfortable and at ease with your family. I didn’t know that you were so worried about how they would interpret things.
Glennon Doyle:
I do worry about that stuff, don’t you think that that’s true?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. I mean I can’t speak for before I came, but I’ve heard you tell stories and I also think it’s kind of confusing because parenting, it’s a really big art of manipulation. You’re thinking about so much of what everybody’s experiencing. And I think that at the heart of it’s so good because you want our children to all have a voice and to all think that they have been filtered before you say something or before you are doing something.
Glennon Doyle:
Maybe it’s harder for people to understand who have young kids. I think when your kids get older, it’s like you start to see them seeing you. They go away, they meet other families, they have their own takes on things and you start to see them in a way where they’re seeing you for the person you are. They’re not seeing you as an all-knowing God. They’re seeing you now as a person who made decisions, who lived a certain way, who makes choices, who has a certain way about money and faith and relationships and friendships. And so you’re seeing yourself through their eyes for the first time. And part of the filter is trying to explain myself
Abby Wambach:
Interesting.
Glennon Doyle:
Trying to through every interaction, explain myself, and it’s being this age and looking at your parents and you’re stuck in the middle. I’m judging my parents. I’m looking backwards and judging them and then I’m looking forwards. I’m looking at my kids judging me or so I think, and it’s just very a lot.
Abby Wambach:
Do you think that they’re judging us?
Glennon Doyle:
I think that’s their job. That’s their job is to look at us and figure out what they want to keep and what they don’t want to keep. And I feel like with every truth I’m trying to filter. I’m saying I did a really good job. I did the best I could. I am the best version of a person I know how to be or I can be and I made all these decisions. I feel like that’s what I’m constantly doing and I would like to not do not.
Amanda Doyle:
So you have to show your work. You’re showing your work so that if they decide you got the answer wrong, they can at least go back and see, oh, this is how, these are all the steps that she and I see the justification and I see it’s like when a teacher’s like show your work. Show your work. That’s what you’re doing constantly in your head is putting that in the world.
Abby Wambach:
A case. Making a case.
Glennon Doyle:
It does not feel relaxing.
Abby Wambach:
I was just going to say, you just said that you don’t want to do this anymore.
Glennon Doyle:
No, I don’t. I think having a kid home from college, really it has nothing to do with the kid. They’re not doing anything. They’re just standing there and I’m constantly trying to, I don’t know what I’m trying to do, but I would like to just relax and be myself and let everything be and not be constantly energetically justifying or explaining or filtering, not thinking I have to present some correct version of motherhood or parenting. I’m sure it’s not relaxing to them.
Abby Wambach:
Do you think that this is your attempt of especially as they get older of creating an environment where they would want to come back to? Is this biological like this urge to build this stability of a fortress, of a family that they want to be a part of because they have to now opt into our family?
Glennon Doyle:
I think that what it is like it’s transferring this idea that someone’s going to pat me on the head and say, good job. You did it right, you did it well. It’s like, okay, I don’t do that with whatever God is anymore. So now I do it with the kids. The kids are God and they decide, this could be totally wrong. I’m just thinking of it right now. But I do think I have transferred that locus of you get to decide whether I-
Abby Wambach:
Am worthy.
Glennon Doyle:
-am good or worthy from this idea of a God in the sky to the kids.
Abby Wambach:
Their opinions. And-
Glennon Doyle:
They get to decide,
Abby Wambach:
-they’ll justify,
Glennon Doyle:
Which is totally insane, but that is what I think. I’m not fucking suggesting this anyway.
Amanda Doyle:
I’m not advocating for this approach. I’m just telling you what’s happening.
Glennon Doyle:
No, and I did not expect to talk about that, but I do think in the particular ways of, okay, when you give to someone else the power of approving of you or not, you will lie your ass off or filter your ass off or control your ass off to get approval from that person whether or not that person’s asked you and that can make a liar of you.
Abby Wambach:
Wow. I bet a lot of people listening will relate to what you just said.
Glennon Doyle:
Or they’ve turned it off because it was so confusing.
Abby Wambach:
No, I don’t think it’s confusing at all. I think that it makes perfect sense and I also think it’s a super vulnerable thing to say out loud because all of us want the approval of our kids. All of us want to feel like we’re good at parenting and all of us want to feel like this whole sacrifice that you’ve just made to raise three children was worth it. And what will it be that you feel like will have been like, oh, now I know that I’ve done it. I’ve done it right. What will it be?
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Abby Wambach:
It’s nothing.
Glennon Doyle:
Damn good question.
Abby Wambach:
There’s nothing.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, sister, have you thought about what your lying style is? So we have Abby, the bullshitter, we have me the puppeteer or the truth’s PR person.
Abby Wambach:
Mastermind.
Glennon Doyle:
The Mastermind. I call that the mastermind.
Amanda Doyle:
I like PR person because you’re a truth spin doctor.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, that’s good.
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t have a word for mine yet.
Amanda Doyle:
All I know is that my friend recently, we had some drama going on and she was like, how am I going to deal with this? Because I just show everything on my face. When I see this person, I’m not going to be able to fake it and they’re going to know exactly what’s going on. And I was like, wow. I am the opposite of that. It alarms me and scares me how much I am able to not show on my face exactly how I feel. So that I feel like I don’t know what kind of lying that is, but I kind of admire and am jealous of people who have the kind of integrity of their insides with their outsides who if they don’t like someone it shows on their face or if they’re offended or hurt or in conflict that it shows on the outside as much on the inside because I could go a lifetime and not show it.
Glennon Doyle:
Wow.
Abby Wambach:
It’s like the masked, the hiding, armor.
Glennon Doyle:
An actor kind of.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, maybe. I don’t know that. It made me feel like a real faker baker.
Abby Wambach:
Pretender.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh faker.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s cool that you don’t have that.
Glennon Doyle:
Can you give us an example?
Amanda Doyle:
If I receive information about someone or something, I have a very intellectual approach to it. I’ll be like, let me process that deceit or let me process that betrayal or let me process this new information that I know about you and make it make sense in my head. And then with that, let me know what I need to know about how our relationship needs to be in the future. But you don’t necessarily need to know that. I need to know it. And what I put out to you, the access that I give you, the information that I give you about myself might totally change. And you might never notice it. You might never notice that we’re having a different relationship than we had before. But to me, I know it’s a different relationship.
Glennon Doyle:
This is so interesting. So it must drive you crazy that I want to say how I feel all the time. This makes me think of when I’m mad at somebody in our work life and you’re like, yes, and we will handle that, but it may not be wise for you to share that you’re angry with that person right now. That’s what you’re doing. You’re like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We’ll get them in the end.
Glennon Doyle:
But okay, that’s fascinating. This reminds me of your threeness with the Enneagram. You’re not feeling it, you’re intellectualizing it and planning it, but you’re not necessarily getting to the feeling phase or sharing. So is it about control?
Amanda Doyle:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
Because this is asinine to me, this whole way that people do… That’s when I’m always like shrewd like a fox, shrewd like a fox.
Glennon Doyle:
I know you always say shrewd like a fox, and I’m like fuck.
Amanda Doyle:
Because it’s like T Swift. Never be so kind, you forget to be clever. Never be so clever, you forget to be kind. Okay, so that person has betrayed me. That person is untrustworthy. I don’t trust that person as far as I can throw them. Let me go share with them about that. Wait, what the fuck? You just said that person is not trustworthy, but you’re going to go give your insides to that person. For them to do whatever with. I actually don’t follow the logic.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. So that feels adaptive to me. That’s good. When you have decided someone is completely untrustworthy, you are of course not going to open yourself back up. You’re going to find another way forward. When does that approach become maladaptive?
Amanda Doyle:
When you try to work every relationship out inside of yourself.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Yes. Because what you’re missing out on sometimes, I would say for me, I get myself into situations where I shouldn’t have said anything and it’s fucking disastrous. Yes. But what you miss sometimes is the moment where you say, wait, that hurt my… It’s not somebody who is evil. It’s not somebody who should be cut off for the rest of their life. But part of relationship and the reason for integrity is not… I think you think that being in the moment or being integrated is stupid, but it’s not always just stupid because sometimes you say something and there’s a magical moment where the other person actually is meeting you there and then your relationship becomes something bigger than the sum of its parts.
Glennon Doyle:
But you’re keeping it the magic all the time in the sum of the parts because there’s no mixing the oil in the water. It’s like we are in relationship and that means I handle my business and you handle your business and I’ll see you in hell.
Amanda Doyle:
I mean sometimes it’s not even the sum of the parts. Sometimes it’s just me plus what I think about that person in my heart.
Glennon Doyle:
Do you have anybody that you’re completely honest with, that you feel vulnerable, that you feel like you can do this thing and not figure it out?
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, I do. And I have people that I will never tell a lie to ever little or big. I do definitely, but I think I do try to over intellectualize and figure out what’s going on and figure out if I have a right to feel the thing and figure out whether that’s reasonable and figure out instead of just being like, this is the way I feel.
Abby Wambach:
Is it a fear of vulnerability?
Amanda Doyle:
What do we to do about that?
Abby Wambach:
Is it the base of it, the bottom of it? It’s like a fear of actually being vulnerable.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. What’s the base? The core?
Amanda Doyle:
I think it is. And then I think it’s also I have a huge fear of being a burden or not handling my shit, taking up too much space in the sense of I only go to others if I can’t handle it, in all aspects. So make sure you’ve exhausted your internal resources before you go to anyone for either help or support or working things out. And so by default, I think I handle a lot internally and it’s like that saying, if you only say what you know, you’re only going to know what I think That cuts me off from information. It cuts me off from different ways of seeing things. It cuts me off from what you’re saying about the synergies of you come out with a different output when you add a different input in. But I have a general aversion when people can’t handle their shit,
Abby Wambach:
Well. And also I think that the world too is one of the big complaints about women is that we’re too much and we’re too emotional. And any of those feminine tropes, especially around this is probably even more aversive to you. You’re like, fuck that. I’m going to prove that I can do it differently. I think that you’re actually one of the most audaciously capable people I’ve ever met. And so that’s got to be a double-edged sword there. Because you’re like I can do a lot.
Amanda Doyle:
But in the context of lying, it’s like I have all the information I need. I have come to my conclusion, you’re out, but I’m also not going to let you in enough to know you’re out.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, so it’s a faking.
Amanda Doyle:
And also I can fake it till the end of time.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. I guess a different way to be that if you’re going to do it honestly, would be you’ve broken my trust and I’m not going to do this the same way.
Amanda Doyle:
Totally.
Glennon Doyle:
So you don’t do that.
Amanda Doyle:
And that would actually be full of integrity. And if we think back to Janelle’s at the last lying episode we did where Janelle was like, I lie to set a boundary. That’s why I was like, no, no, no, no. There’s no lying to set a boundary. You either lie to get an outcome you need or you set a boundary, but you don’t lie to set a boundary. So I would have more respect for myself if I couldn’t lie with my face. It’s like Luvvie used to say to you on stage if you didn’t like whatever speaker was going on and she’d say, fix your face because you Glennon show what you’re thinking on your face.
Glennon Doyle:
I know.
Amanda Doyle:
I do not. So I admire that in people whose whole being represents how they feel. So I think I would have more respect for myself if I would be like, you know what? Love you. You’re awesome. And also this is different now and I can tell you why or not, but I just wanted to explain that this is where I am and Godspeed.
Glennon Doyle:
Cool.
Amanda Doyle:
But I don’t
Glennon Doyle:
I get it. Nailed it. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I’m just saying you identified a particular way of lying that I’m sure a lot of people will relate to.
Abby Wambach:
Fake it. Fake it until you make it.
Glennon Doyle:
And I understand now. I understand when I email you and I’m like, I’m so upset about this thing, and you will be like, okay, let’s not say that right now. I hear you, but let’s not email them. That makes sense.
Amanda Doyle:
To me it feels like you’re passing ammo to your enemies. I’ve just determined you’re an enemy. Can I arm you?
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. And also, but I do want to suggest that it is deep embedded into us, you and me sister, that the world is made up of very few friends actually who are all on this zoom or our two producers who are friends and then everyone else is an enemy. So even that framework is an interesting-
Abby Wambach:
Nobody can be trusted from your perspective. You have to control even what people think about us because they cannot be trusted and sister is worrying about arming anybody with anything that can be used against her.
Glennon Doyle:
Because everyone’s trying to kill us. Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. Pod squad. Good luck figuring out what your lying style is. We want to know about it.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
And here’s what I want to challenge you two to do. We have some, I think they’re not call ins. We’re reading these, right?
Amanda Doyle:
Yes. And they’re so funny. I can’t call them.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
Okay. But first I want to tell the people I promised to tell them.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh yes, I’m sorry.
Abby Wambach:
Oh yeah, yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
So here, there’s all of these things everyone thinks they can tell when someone’s lying to them. First of all, polygraphs are not reliable.
Abby Wambach:
Admissible in court. They’re not admissible in court.
Amanda Doyle:
They’re not reliable. Humans can only tell if someone is lying half the time. So great. So just go ahead and guess because that’s as good as what you think that you’ve figured out all the things of like, oh, if they look up until the left, that’s telling their lying. No, that’s also associated with thinking. So someone might be lying or they might be thinking. So stop. You can just let yourself off the hook for trying to guess if people are lying to you.
Amanda Doyle:
The only way that they have determined that increases your chance of getting people to tell the truth and it’s so simple it goes back to what we were talking about in the first episode is if you ask people directly to tell you the truth, and this goes back to my theory at the beginning, that there is no social contract that people will be telling the truth. You actually have to say, I want the truth from you. So if you really need to know something, say to people this, I want you to say to me, I promise I will tell you the truth. And then they say, I promise I will tell you the truth. And then they say whatever they’re going to say.
Amanda Doyle:
Having this verbal commitment that they say, they have to repeat it back to you, there is something in our makeup that when I say with my mouth, I’m going to tell you the truth. It decreases lies by 40%.
Abby Wambach:
Wow.
Amanda Doyle:
Some people are still going to lie. But I think it goes back to what we were saying in the first episode, which is that nobody knows if you want the truth from them. We’re walking around all the time with all these socially acceptable lies. So you’re telling someone that you want the truth from them and then you’re asking them to commit to that. And a lot of people won’t say that unless they’re willing to tell you the truth. Or they might be like, okay, they want it. I will tell it to them. It’s almost like you are creating your own social contract in that situation that doesn’t exist outside of that.
Glennon Doyle:
So when you were talking about that, I wanted to be like, that can’t be right. But actually I’m thinking about when Craig finally told me about the infidelity and we were sitting in a therapist’s office and we’d been through four to five fricking sessions of therapy with us not telling each other the truth. And then something came up and the air was charged. And I just understood and knew in the moment that there was something that neither the therapist nor he was telling me. And I actually did look at Craig and said, I’m going to go to the bathroom and I’m going to come back here and you are going to tell me every bit of the truth. And he didn’t say it back to me, but that worked. That’s when I got the whole truth. That’s weird.
Amanda Doyle:
And it works in any little thing when people are like, oh, how did the kids do at the play date? They actually don’t want to know half the time that they were fighting the whole time and their daughter was a brat and their son spilled the stuff everywhere and they were cussing the whole time. They don’t want to know that. They want to be like, it’s great. See you next time. But if someone says, no, I actually want to know the truth about this, so I’m working on something. So tell me the truth. Then great now I know you want to know the truth, I’ll tell you.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Or if you call your friend, they’re like, what are you doing? And you’re like, I’m going to go get bangs cut and they’re going to be like, okay. Or if you say, I’m going to go get bangs cut. I want you to tell me the truth about that. They’re going to say, do not cut your bangs. It is a different thing.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah it is. It seems so simple, but it’s very not simple.
Glennon Doyle:
We’re going to read a bunch of lies that love bugs around the world have told. We are going to judge these lies. Whether this is a green lie or a red lie, because we’re not going with white lies. You two are going to decide whether these are green lies or red lies.
Abby Wambach:
All right, let’s go.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. All right. Here we go. Lie number one, a girl I lived with two years ago thought I was stealing her yogurt out of the fridge. I told her it couldn’t have been me since I’m allergic to dairy and now I still can’t eat dairy in front of her or anyone from that friend group. She made me a dairy free cake for my birthday and the guilt is eating me alive.
Abby Wambach:
So good.
Glennon Doyle:
I think you go straight to the grave with the dairy situation.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. This is a green lie for me. You just don’t ever tell her.
Amanda Doyle:
No, you can’t tell her. It’s gone. That reminds me of the amazing thing where people are more likely to lie, to prevent you from thinking that they’re lying. That is one of the top lies that they find. So it’s like you Glennon when you’re checking out at the grocery and the lady says, what kind of avocados are those? And you tell her they’re organic even though they’re not organic because you’re so afraid that if you tell her they’re not organic, she’s going to think you’re lying to get them for cheaper. So you just tell them they’re organic.
Glennon Doyle:
I do that all the time. I lie so people will know that I’m honest.
Amanda Doyle:
That is one of the most common lies and that’s what this girl… She was so afraid to look like a lying thief, that she lied and said that she was lactose intolerant. So she couldn’t have possibly been the lying thief that stole your yogurt.
Glennon Doyle:
And I love her for it.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, that’s beautiful.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay.
Abby Wambach:
In college, I legally married and then peacefully divorced a platonic friend so we qualified to live off campus.
Glennon Doyle:
I want to call this lie a justice-based lie. I believe in this sort of lie. This is not right that marriage is the only kind of relationship deemed worthy enough to get special treatment. I believe in this lie. I think we should have more rights for platonic relationships. Yes. To this lie.
Abby Wambach:
That was from Alex Harrow on Twitter.
Amanda Doyle:
This one is from M Lockwood Porter on Twitter. My best friend and I wanted to go to a Blink-182 concert in high school, but we couldn’t afford tickets so we told everyone in our extremely baptist Oklahoma town that God called us to spread the gospel at an evil secular concert, but we needed donations to get in. We turned a profit.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
That is a first class, brilliant, good job M Lockwood Porter. Brilliant.
Glennon Doyle:
Well done. This one is from Ken. My daughter Brianee had a show and tell day at school, which involved standing in front of the class and explaining all about their chosen subject. Unfortunately for me, she had told her pals that she was doing it about her father’s expedition to the Galapagos Islands and begged me to do the presentation with her. So not only did I have the shame of having a lying fantasist for a child, but I also had to pretend to be a wildlife conservationist in front of 25 children. I actually work in IT. I love this father. I love Brianee. She’s probably going to be some sort of writer. That is a big green lie for me.
Abby Wambach:
So good.
Glennon Doyle:
Good job dad.
Amanda Doyle:
So I love that. So they went and planned together their presentation. So Ken’s like so then I’ll show them the pictures of the huge ass turtles or whatever and Brianee’s like, yeah, that’ll be good. That’ll be good. Then we’ll go to the next slide slide. Imagine the teacher’s like I know Ken works at Microsoft. It’s weird that he went on a Galapagos expedition.
Glennon Doyle:
Amazing.
Amanda Doyle:
I was told that every person gets 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you couldn’t physically speak until a new month began. All my dad had to say was careful, you’re already at 9,000 words and it would shut me right up.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s so good. I have no notes.
Abby Wambach:
So good.
Glennon Doyle:
I have no notes. This one’s brilliant. I tell my son that when he lies, a red dot appears on his forehead that only his parents can see. It only goes away when he tells the truth. Can we talk about the levels of parenting in this?
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, meta.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah this parent, in order to teach their child not to lie, is blatantly lying-
Abby Wambach:
So good.
Glennon Doyle:
-to them. That is some good stuff.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s really good. This one is Dominique Maddie. One time for my own entertainment, I pretended to not know what a donut was when my ex-boyfriend’s friend mentioned wanting one. Every time he tried to explain it, I said, oh, you mean a bagel?
Glennon Doyle:
We haven’t even talked about lying just for fun.
Abby Wambach:
Lying for fun. Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
Lying just for fun. I give a big green light too.
Abby Wambach:
I like to do that.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, you mean a bagel? Imagine this person just losing their shit. So frustrated.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, so good.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, go ahead baby.
Abby Wambach:
I recently told my son his soccer game was canceled due to the snow. Oh yeah, this is good. And all fairness, it was this third game of the weekend. I knew the team had plenty of subs and it was flurrying. Oh, my son is only seven, enough is enough. Sometimes I adhere to this fully.
Glennon Doyle:
Big green light.
Abby Wambach:
Big green light.
Glennon Doyle:
Big green light. Soccer’s never ending and it’s too much and you really have to take it into your own hands.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, there’s nothing-
Amanda Doyle:
When they say soccer’s life, they mean literally. That’s your life now that is all there is.
Abby Wambach:
Exactly, exactly.
Glennon Doyle:
Football is life.
Abby Wambach:
That was Aaron R.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. At work, for whatever reason, when I first started, I told a girl I was married, I was never married. It got so out of hand that I actually bought a fake wedding ring. The whole hospital thinks I’m a husband. I’ve had friends call in pretending they’re my wife. It’s so crazy out of hand now that I think I would be fired if the truth came out.
Abby Wambach:
That’s so good. That was posted by Anonymous.
Glennon Doyle:
I know how that feels. That’s like when I told the school that Madonna was my aunt. It can go on for a really long time. I still feel extra close to Madonna.
Amanda Doyle:
My upstairs neighbor called me Mark in a conversation, but since that is not my name, I didn’t realize she was actually referring to me, so I didn’t correct her. The second time she called me Mark, it was from a distance. As she was leaving her apartment and I was getting in, I registered that she thought my name was Mark, but I felt it would be weird to shout back that my name is not Mark. The third time she did this, I had a bunch of friends over on the stoop outside the apartment and I didn’t want to correct her in front of a group of kids because I didn’t want to embarrass her. All of my friends looked confused that she was calling me Mark. But after she went inside, I explained to them that I was too deep into it now to correct her, they disagreed since she had only done it three times at that point, that was seven years ago. I am Mark.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God. Can we talk about lying because you’re sweet. That’s sweet. It’s like so much of lying is just being sweet. You don’t want to make the other person feel stupid. So you just are like, I would prefer instead of hurting someone’s feelings to be Mark for the rest of my life.
Amanda Doyle:
But then see Vanessa episodes, that’s how you end up three years into a relationship still pretending to get an orgasm at the same shit that didn’t work three years ago because you’re Mark now.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, I’m not-
Amanda Doyle:
Trying to be sweet. You get yourself into a situation.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m not saying it’s not a slippery slope. It is.
Glennon Doyle:
My freshman year of college, I was walking around campus when a very friendly looking girl waved at me. I’m awkward. So of course I waved back. The next week, the same thing. This began the weirdest saga of my life for the next two years. We greeted each other as old friends every time we came across the other. She knew my name somehow I never could figure hers out and it was way too late to ask. I just pretended I knew who she was and why she knew me.
Glennon Doyle:
Finally, I joined the honors program and entered my classes for my thesis. Who should be in this class, but mystery girl. I was horrified. I wouldn’t be able to pass it off anymore. First day of class, we are all sitting there chatting and she greets me by name again. I had finally learned her name from attendance. Thank God. Someone asks finally, oh, so you two know each other. Where’d you meet? Silence. I stare at her. She stares at me. Finally, she breaks down wailing. I don’t know. I don’t know. Okay. We’ve just been waving at each other for two years and it was too late.
Glennon Doyle:
She’s standing in my wedding next spring as one of my bridesmaids and very best friends.
Abby Wambach:
That’s awesome. That’s so good.
Glennon Doyle:
So good. That’s by miscellaneous on Reddit. This is a good one that everyone should use. You definitely tell your kids that when the ice cream truck music is on, it means that they’re out of ice cream. That’s just-
Abby Wambach:
That’s a must.
Glennon Doyle:
-an old nugget. Also, I can only imagine all the lies we could collect about the tooth fairy. Okay. I told my daughter the tooth fairy was delayed by hurricane Sandy after forgetting her dollar several nights in a row. And since then the tooth fairy has also been subject to storms, heavy cloud cover and heat stroke.
Abby Wambach:
Heat stroke.
Glennon Doyle:
She’s super flaky.
Amanda Doyle:
Heat stroke. Heat stroke is really funny. I like the heat stroke one.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s just a bed of lies what we tell them. I think I’ve mentioned, when Chase finally asked me, oh, also warning turn this off if you’re listening with kids. When I finally told Chase about Santa because he looked at me sister, he looked at me and said, you need to tell me the truth right now.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
He did. And I said, “Santa, the spirit of Santa is real, the giving the love the joy, but it’s in me, it’s in me and your dad. Okay, it’s real, but it’s a different kind of real than you think.” And he said, “Is that what it is with the tooth fair too?” And I said, “Yeah.” And he thought for a few minutes quietly and then he goes, “Is that the thing about God too?” And I was like, “I don’t know.” I don’t know. What a tangled web we weave.
Glennon Doyle:
I love this one because it just reminds me of my stupid lies. When I was little. My friend told me he got NSYNC’s autograph. And when he showed it to me, it was just the word NSYNC written on a post-it note. I don’t know why that makes me so happy. He faked it with just the word NSYNC. Dominic Kane on Twitter. Thanks for that Dominic.
Glennon Doyle:
Let’s end with this love bug who has just really, there can be such joy in lying proven by Cassville on TikTok. Fun fact, they say you can just lie. You can just do it. I do it a lot and here are some of my favorite lies I’ve told recently. If someone is studying in a major and I know the name of a professor who teaches that, I’ll just be like, oh my God, you’re in that major. Do you know Professor Smith? He’s my dad. One time I told someone that I’ve never paid for anything in cash in my life. I’ve never personally handled cash, I said. If you’re trying to make plans with someone and they suggest a bar or something it’s so fun to say, oh no, I can’t go there. I’ve been banned and then just not elaborate. Bringing joy back to lying.
Glennon Doyle:
Thank you. All right, loves, we hope that you will think of your lying style. What else do we hope for these love bugs?
Amanda Doyle:
I hope that you will not add being a liar to the list of things that you have shame about because then we should all just be carrying an equal amount of shame on behalf of the society that we live in, which requires us to lie on a daily basis and then makes us feel shame for doing so. So I say reject that.
Amanda Doyle:
And also try to think about one person that you can in your life have a totally honest relationship with in which you trust them enough to have accountability to them and from them to the truth, whatever that might be. Because the studies show that even in the relationships where we have the little lies or the big lies, they’re actually less satisfying to us. It’s that same thing of if you’re presenting only part of yourself and someone loves you, you don’t actually feel their love because you don’t trust it because it’s not the real you. So if you just can think of one person and you trust them enough to say, I’ve been thinking about it and I was thinking we could have a thing with us where we just are always honest with each other, I can always handle the truth from you and I would like to be always honest with you. How does that sound?
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t think we need many people like that, but I think if you just have one, it’s a whole different way of living. And I don’t think we can or should try it with a shit ton of people. But just think about that and maybe it’s a level of adventure in life that you haven’t had yet when you can be in a relationship like that.
Glennon Doyle:
I love that.
Abby Wambach:
So good.
Glennon Doyle:
And if you can’t do that, just get a diary. I know that sounds silly, but I feel like a diary is people’s way of having an honest relationship with someone, themselves.
Amanda Doyle:
If I ever lost my phone, I’d be because my notes section has some stuff that’s… Howdy.
Glennon Doyle:
All right. Pod squad, we love you, we mean it. We’re not lying.
Abby Wambach:
We swear.
Glennon Doyle:
We’ll see you next time. Bye
Amanda Doyle:
Bye.
Glennon Doyle:
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