Do You Have Any of These Beige Flags?
July 18, 2023
Glennon Doyle:
Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. I’m already giggling. We are going to discuss today with you, our beloved pod squad, the phenomenon, the trend of beige flags in relationships. Now, the idea of beige flags is something that has gained momentum on the TikTok probably nine months ago, since we have now heard of it.
Abby Wambach:
It is now a past tense trend.
Glennon Doyle:
Right, right, it was a trend. The idea of a beige flag is you’re in a relationship, whether it’s a friendship. I think we’re mostly discussing romantic relationships today, and you’re watching the other person. You’re monitoring. You’re observing. You’re getting to know this other person. Sometimes there are red flags. So a red flag might be if your partner is Shady McShaderton, taking phone calls in the other room, doing problematic things, red flags. Green flags are things you’re noticing your person is doing that are lovely and signal this person might be great in a relationship, thoughtful things, green flags. Go, go, go.
Glennon Doyle:
And then there are beige flags. My idea of a beige flag, and then I can see sister’s face and what I think she’s bursting at the seams to do. My guess would be that she’s about to ruin beige flags for us by giving us the historical context of beige flags, which would be sissy’s beige flag. She knows everything. For the feelers out there, in the New York Times article, they described it as a beige flag is simply something that would cause someone to take a three-second pause and then continue the relationship. It’s just a weird thing, a unique thing. Sissy, where did this idea of beige flags come from?
Amanda Doyle:
Well, so I heard, first heard it when we were talking to Logan Ury in episode 219 where she was talking about it specifically in the context of online dating profiles. Apparently that is in 2022, this woman, Caitlyn McFail on TikTok, she invented this term beige flags. The original definition was when people lean into, specifically online dating profiles, these generic things that are like, “I like petting puppies. I like working out.” It’s this kind of thing that it doesn’t offer any special information about the person.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s boring?
Amanda Doyle:
It’s boring, but I feel like boring, plenty of people are authentically boring and I feel like that’s great, own you’re boring. But for me, it kind of feels like it’s mealy, like a mealy apple. You might not like apples, but either be an apple or don’t be an apple. Don’t be a mealy soft apple.
Abby Wambach:
I kind of see base flags as a little bit … There’s no meaning to it. It’s just weird quirky things that people do that maybe you’ve done your whole life that make them you. But there’s no additive or negative value to it.
Amanda Doyle:
But it didn’t start that way. It started specifically as not quirky, not interesting, not idiosyncratic. It started as people trying to be as unobjectionable in their dating profiles as possible. So if you listen to episode 219, what Logan’s saying is you actually aren’t trying to be everything for everyone. You are trying to just be the thing for the person who’s supposed to be with you. So pleasing everyone fails everyone, including your yourself. Because you’re actually trying to weed people out by being your quirky self. So that’s how beige flag started in 2022, was just this mealy-ass boring thing. Then people kind of took the flag and ran with it and made it into … It’s not the thing that most attracts me about the person. It’s not the thing that repels me from the person. It’s the thing that I just go, “Huh, you do that thing, and I can’t really tell whether I should be compelled or repelled by that. It’s just a real interesting thing.”
Glennon Doyle:
Well, I like this definition better because the first one is just kind of, I don’t know, boring. Okay, here we go, beige flags. We like to offer ourselves up first. So Abby and I did sit this morning and try to figure out beige flags for each other. I will tell you, it’s tricky. It is tricky to think of things about your partner or your friends that are not red or green, that are not good or bad, that you don’t love or dislike, because you came up with a ton of things and I was like, “No, those are red flags.” Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
But we did come up with a couple, and then we have tons that we have gotten from the TikTok, but we haven’t seen them. So we asked Audrey from our team to go through and find what the TikTok was saying about the beige flags because we wanted to see them for the first time on this to see if they are funny or make us scared.
Glennon Doyle:
I have one for Abby. When we were first together and I read her first book for some background to look for red flags, I noticed this weird thing. I thought, this is so weird. Her editor must be really into old-fashioned language because it was almost like every once in a while, you’d be reading a modern story about soccer and then there’d be like a Victorian word thrown in or something. I was like, “This editor is so weird. Why didn’t they? Oh, no, no, no. That’s just how Abby talks.” It is as if she has been her in her past life, she was in a Victorian … one of those lace necks. Or maybe you were in a suit. I don’t know, but it’ll be in the middle of a sentence. She’ll be like, “Get in the car. We have to goeth to soccer.” “Goeth” will, will just come out. I’m like, “Did you just say, ‘Goeth?'” It’s as if when the program was changed to her new life, they forgot. It was a glitch in the system and there’s some old Victorian language.
Amanda Doyle:
They didn’t update her settings.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, they didn’t.
Amanda Doyle:
We still have the Victorian font. All day, I’ve told you, and heretofore you have not listened to me.
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly.
Abby Wambach:
I think it might be some sort of need to feel smarter, and I think that going into Victorian mode gives me this worldly sense. I don’t know. It is very bizarre.
Amanda Doyle:
Also, we keep saying Victorian and I’m not even sure that’s correct.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, we don’t know. We don’t know. We mean a time before now, yonder yore. She sounds like she’s from yonder yore, okay? What I would say is that that does not feel like a red flag to me. It sure as hell doesn’t feel like a green flag, but it makes me pause and go, “Huh.”
Amanda Doyle:
“It’s quirky. It’s quirky and cute.” I have a John beige one.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, good, good.
Amanda Doyle:
John’s beige flag is that he deep cleans every item in hot water and soap before he puts it in the recycling bin. Because I think to myself, I think, self, this is ostensibly for the environment, but is 16 gallons of hot potable water to rinse out a yogurt cup really on balance best for the environment?
Abby Wambach:
I’m going to back John up right now because he knows something that I just learned the other day. When you put something in the recycling bin and it is not clean, they throw it in the trash.
Amanda Doyle:
Again, I say to you, you’re telling me the 16 gallons of hot drinkable water that people need throughout the universe-
Abby Wambach:
I can’t speak to that, but that might be-
Amanda Doyle:
The math on that is correct for the earth? I’d like to ask the earth, “Would you rather have this recycled? Would you rather not waste 16 gallons of hot potable water?”
Glennon Doyle:
Remember when John got all of his shirts dry-cleaned and pressed and starched and all the things in order to donate them? It was so sweet.
Amanda Doyle:
I know. He’s very serious about this.
Abby Wambach:
I like that about John. I have another beige flag for you. So you have a tendency to change your clothes 10, 12 times a day sometimes.
Glennon Doyle:
That is true.
Abby Wambach:
Her beige flag, I could actually care less if she changes her clothes that much. Her beige flag is when she comes in and she asks me, “Do I look comfortable?” And I say, “I don’t know if I can answer that. Are you comfortable?”
Glennon Doyle:
This is a woman who knows herself.
Amanda Doyle:
This is an embodied woman. Do I look like I feel comfortable in my skin?
Abby Wambach:
That’s exactly right.
Amanda Doyle:
I’m sorry to ask, but do I appear unapologetic?
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God, my whole life, I’m just trying to get comfortable all this. By the way, I need the pod squad to understand I’m never going anywhere. I change and I think 12 might be-
Abby Wambach:
Four times a day.
Glennon Doyle:
Four or five times, okay?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, for sure.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s four more times than I change a day.
Abby Wambach:
Me too.
Glennon Doyle:
And you’re probably also going places. You leave the house a lot more than I do. All those changes are just, I don’t know, I’m just trying to make it through the day. I’m just trying to get comfortable.
Amanda Doyle:
You’re one outfit change away from being comfortable in my skin.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m just trying to get comfortable.
Amanda Doyle:
If I put on this sweater, this is going to do it.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s always just a sweater, a sweatshirt, a different tank top, different shorts.
Abby Wambach:
If I get confirmation from my wife that I look comfortable, then I am. That is where her truth lies.
Amanda Doyle:
As close as I’m going to come to comfortable in this lifetime. Do I have beige flags?
Glennon Doyle:
We did Think of one for you this morning and that is your commitment to saving things as if you experienced the Great Depression yourself. It’s amazing.
Abby Wambach:
I’ve never known somebody to save. The amount that’s at the end of your Parmesan cheese bottle, and I’m like, “Oh, she just put it back. She didn’t want to throw it out. No, no, no, she was going to use those 10 measly crumbs on something.”
Glennon Doyle:
Yes, or when she used to drink wine and we would open up our refrigerator in the morning, an entire wine glass would splash out on because she had put a half drink glass of wine into the-
Abby Wambach:
Into the door.
Glennon Doyle:
The refrigerator.
Abby Wambach:
The door part where it’s very movable.
Glennon Doyle:
Or she’ll go to a sporting event and she’ll have cool seats and they will have a buffet of food that she gets, so she takes food home.
Abby Wambach:
It’s like Ross from Friends, how he takes all this stuff from the hotel room. Do you do that? Are you-
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God, Abby, in her upstairs closet, next time we go to her house, you’re going to go upstairs. You’re going to go to the little closet between her room and Bobby’s room. It’s not okay. If a whole entire army of Smurfs came to her house, they would have enough shampoo and conditioner for a generation because she has so many small bottles.
Abby Wambach:
What are you doing now that-
Glennon Doyle:
What are you saving it for?
Abby Wambach:
Well, the hotels now are doing the bigger bottles where you have to squeeze it into your hand.
Glennon Doyle:
Do you bring it home in Ziploc bags?
Amanda Doyle:
I’m set. I’ve got enough forever. I’m set. Remember when I was moving and I thought you were going to have an intervention with me because you found my drawer of washed out Ziploc bags?
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God.
Abby Wambach:
What?
Amanda Doyle:
You were actually so upset about it. You were so upset.
Glennon Doyle:
Washed out Ziploc bags to reuse them.
Abby Wambach:
That’s dedication.
Glennon Doyle:
I think we may have crossed over to red flag.
Abby Wambach:
No, look, that’s what she likes. Who fucking cares? It’s not hurting us.
Glennon Doyle:
I care a little bit.
Abby Wambach:
It’s also kind of saving the fucking environment. I actually appreciate that.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, I’ve got to make up for all that water that my husband’s using.
Abby Wambach:
I want to be the kind of person in some ways-
Glennon Doyle:
I do not.
Abby Wambach:
That wants to feel like I should wash out the Ziploc bags.
Amanda Doyle:
I’ll tell you what, it saves a lot of money. Speaking of trends, you’re like, “Oh, now we’re doing high rise jeans.” Well, don’t worry because I still have my jeans from 23 years ago. I’ll just put them back on.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s not, not true. That is the truest thing that you’ve said. You will look so trendy, but your jeans are from eighth grade.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s true. I did literally wear an outfit the other day that was from 11th grade.
Glennon Doyle:
No, she wore a dress somewhere a couple years ago. I saw the picture. That dress is so pretty. She said, “It was my ninth grade homecoming dress.”
Abby Wambach:
What?
Glennon Doyle:
She’s moved 20 times.
Abby Wambach:
How many storage units do you have?
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, don’t get us started on storage units. Also-
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t have any storage units.
Glennon Doyle:
But you used to.
Abby Wambach:
But you have an attic now.
Amanda Doyle:
Everyone who’s gotten divorced has had a storage unit.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s true.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s a bit of a metaphor. This is not the episode where we try to get to the root of this. So I’m just going to-
Glennon Doyle:
We do want to ask you-
Amanda Doyle:
What’s happening with my hoarding psychologically.
Glennon Doyle:
Maybe we should do an episode about relationship to stuff and where it comes from.
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t want to say hoarding because hoarding is an actual psychological issue, but there is something that’s just below hoarding, which is what I do, which is just holding very tight to items.
Abby Wambach:
I feel like I have the opposite problem though.
Glennon Doyle:
Same.
Abby Wambach:
I just like new things.
Amanda Doyle:
Which is why-
Abby Wambach:
It’s a problem.
Amanda Doyle:
I get all your old things.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, she’s usually wearing Abby’s clothes.
Abby Wambach:
I’m enabling your issue and you’re also enabling mine.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, let’s hear from these lovely TikTok-ers about their beige flags. Here we go, this is from @Emily.MT_. They say, “My wife’s beige flag is that she’s absolutely petrified of bugs, but she also won’t let me kill them. So whenever one gets in the house, I have to chase it around with a cup and a piece of paper to try to capture and release it. But she also makes me take it at least 500 feet from the house. So I end up sprinting down the street with the captured bug while fighting the feeling that it escaped and is crawling all over me.” I love Emily.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh my gosh, what a good wife that person is.
Glennon Doyle:
I get that. I feel like these are green flags on both their parts, green and green and green. They are living correctly to me.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, I always feel so bad when I kill the spider.
Glennon Doyle:
Well, you shouldn’t do that.
Abby Wambach:
But I’m so scared. How do you overcome the scare, the fear?
Amanda Doyle:
With a piece of paper.
Glennon Doyle:
Tell sister why there are so many paper towels on our front porch.
Abby Wambach:
Jesus. I go outside and some days, the sprinklers will go off. So now this piece of paper is totally eroded into a mushy pile of ick. Well, anytime I go out there, I know that Glennon has found some sort of insect, gotten it, and then just opened the front door and thrown the paper towel outside.
Glennon Doyle:
Because I will not kill it. I will not kill. I will not kill. But also, I can’t be responsible. I have to get it out of my hand as quickly as possible.
Amanda Doyle:
Okay, so you take a paper towel. You sort of capture it around your hand in the paper towel, and then you eject the paper towel from the house.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, which I guess is just littering again. I’m saving a life, but kind of-
Abby Wambach:
I know, but it’s this funny game that you and the spider have. I think the 500 feet away from the house is the right move, because the spider’s like, “Oh, I was here last week.” Then it crawls back into the house and then she does this whole charade the next week.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, I haven’t gotten brave enough for what this person says. I haven’t done the sprinting and screaming and going 500 feet. I might need to try that.
Abby Wambach:
That would be an amazing visual. It’s just Glennon Doyle running down the street with a freaking paper towel.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah. Emily, the next time this happens, can you please record running down the street? Because I think that that’s what we deserve to see.
Glennon Doyle:
We really do.
Abby Wambach:
All right, let’s do the next one.
Amanda Doyle:
This next one is @KatieCapelli. They say, “My husband’s beige flag is that he waits until the last possible second to use his windshield wipers when it starts to rain. He will let the entire windshield cover with droplets until it’s almost fully covered and then manually turn one wiper on. This continues for the full ride.
Glennon Doyle:
I think I know why, because it’s so satisfying when it’s a bunch of water and then it goes, “Swoosh,” all at once and a bunch goes off at the same time. It’s satisfying.
Abby Wambach:
I don’t know about that. I like to be able to see through the window.
Glennon Doyle:
Well, yeah,
Abby Wambach:
100% of the time.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, this is a good-
Amanda Doyle:
It’s sort of like our obsession, Abby, with beating the GPS? How few wipes do I need to make it through this ride safely?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, maybe.
Amanda Doyle:
I don’t know.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s got to be scary for the passenger.
Abby Wambach:
It is.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh, yeah.
Abby Wambach:
Okay, so this is posted by @KaiTheZombieSlayer. “My girlfriend’s actual beige flag is that once every month, she’ll get a banana for lunch. After I’ve let my guard down, she’ll frantically search for her phone, freak out, ask me to call it because she can’t find it, and when I do, she’ll pick up the banana instead and be like, ‘Yellow?’ And I fall for it every time. I hate banana phone.”
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, my God.
Abby Wambach:
Yellow?
Glennon Doyle:
That is such a green flag.
Abby Wambach:
It’s gold to me every time.
Glennon Doyle:
You keep that one. That is a keeper. That is a keeper who understands the absurdity of life.
Amanda Doyle:
After I’ve let my guard down.
Abby Wambach:
And she does it once every month.
Glennon Doyle:
Yellow?
Abby Wambach:
Yellow?
Amanda Doyle:
The frantically just freaking out.
Glennon Wambach:
You just queen her. You just queen her.
Glennon Wambach:
My boyfriend’s beige flag is he does this thing where he will randomly lay directly on top of me, completely dead weight, and yell, “Boulder,” makes me push him off to, quote, “train me for survival. He does not move for any reason at all. The only way out from under the boulder is to push him off myself.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, my gosh, @Kayleigh.Apple, we love this.
Glennon Doyle:
For survival. Last month, Abby laid down on the ground in our kitchen and wouldn’t move until I showed her that I could perform CPR on her.
Abby Wambach:
And move me around.
Glennon Doyle:
And move her around.
Abby Wambach:
I was just dead weight, because if I go down, I think I’m a goner.
Glennon Doyle:
I do too.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, I do too.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m sorry about that.
Abby Wambach:
I think I’m a goner. I have to prepare her. I just ordered an AED machine just in case I go down so she has some sort of tool to help revive me back to life.
Glennon Doyle:
I was freaking out even during this simulation.
Abby Wambach:
She’s like, “I don’t know what to do.” I was crouched over. I’m like, “You’ve got to move me. Put me on my back.” She’s like, “I can’t. You’re too heavy.” I’m like, “Fuck, I am fucked.” So now I’m going to get one of those buttons or one of those bracelets.
Amanda Doyle:
Like the 99-year-olds have?
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
No, but I told her her, I think I’d be able to do it if I knew this was real, because I’ve heard people get superhuman adrenaline. So I think I could do it if it’s real.
Amanda Doyle:
You might want to practice the boulder. Rebecca Murray, “My partner’s beige flag is that whenever I lose something and ask if he’s seen it, he looks at me quizzically and hesitantly explains that the thing I’m looking for died 40 years ago. For example, have you seen my phone? I don’t know where I put it down. Phone, extended pause, phone died 40 years ago.”
Glennon Doyle:
People are so wonderful. People are so wonderful. That’s wonderful. Okay, your turn.
Abby Wambach:
All right, @KateAustin_, “My wife’s beige flag is that she thinks reels are funny and absolutely refuses to download TikTok. She constantly shows me videos that were viral on TikTok two months ago like they’re brand new material.” This is literally what our children say to us because we don’t watch TikTok.
Glennon Doyle:
This is literally what we’re doing right now.
Amanda Doyle:
What we’re doing now.
Amanda Doyle:
Kate Austin, inspired by your wife is this episode.
Glennon Doyle:
She’s going to love this episode.
Abby Wambach:
Another beige flag of Glennon’s is that she gets a phone number or somebody calls her or texts her, but she just doesn’t save them.
Glennon Doyle:
No, never.
Abby Wambach:
She doesn’t ever,
Amanda Doyle:
I’m telling you, she has five people saved in her phone. Every other person is just, well, can’t be known who’s calling me.
Abby Wambach:
So the amount of times she’s like, “Hey, can you type this phone number into your phone so that when I type it in, it comes up?” And she’s like, “Oh, so that’s who it is,” and yet still does not go ahead and save that person’s name to the phone number attached.
Glennon Doyle:
Well, I learned my lesson. Right now is when I admit to you that for one year, Laura Perry, she’s probably listening. I love you, Laura. I thought for one year that I was conversing back and forth with Stacy London. Stacy London, right? Stacy London emails me and says, “How are you? We haven’t talked for so long.” I was like, “What do you mean? We’ve been texting for a year.” No, I had Laura Perry saved as Stacy London. So I have been having a friendship with both of them. Anyway, it’s very confusing. That’s when I learned my lesson. You can save with the wrong person, so it’s better just to keep it a surprise.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, my gosh.
Amanda Doyle:
@KTHWay, “My boyfriend’s beige flag is that he’ll casually tell me the random-est facts throughout the day that aren’t even true. Hey, did you know that the reason ripples on waves exist is because of the sensitivity of water to tectonic movement? Oh really? Haha, that was a lie. Then he’ll proceed to laugh to himself, proud that he succeeded to fool me.” That’s ridiculous.
Glennon Doyle:
Dad used to do that. Remember when he swore to us that Spam was called Spam because they used it in the Spanish American War?
Amanda Doyle:
I think half the things that I think are lies.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, my boyfriend’s beige flag is that he sets timers instead of alarms. It’s midnight and he needs to wake up at six. He’ll set a six-hour timer.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, my God.
Glennon Doyle:
I bet his brain just works differently. He needs to think of it not in terms of time, but in terms of hours. That makes sense to me.
Abby Wambach:
Well, just real quick, before you go to sleep, does everybody here count how many hours before they’re going to wake up, how many they’re going to get?
Glennon Doyle:
No.
Amanda Doyle:
Yes, and then I lay there. Well, that’s because you’re always going to get 35 hours. I lay and there and I’m like-
Glennon Doyle:
18 hours.
Amanda Doyle:
If you don’t go to sleep now, Doyle, oh my God, now it’s six and a half now. Oh, now it’s five. Go to bed. Then I just berate myself and get so anxious that then the time keeps going down, then I get more anxious, and that’s how I live happily and balanced.
Glennon Doyle:
Red flag.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah. Jen Fricker says, “My boyfriend’s beige flag is that he cannot wait to give a present. As soon as it’s wrapped, he is telling you what it is.”
Abby Wambach:
That’s me.
Amanda Doyle:
“Your birthday is next week and he has the present now. You’re getting it now.”
Abby Wambach:
That’s me.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, that’s sweet.
Abby Wambach:
I can’t handle it either. I can’t handle it. I don’t know what that is about. This is @JDubs22. “My girlfriend’s beige flag, she drinks two, maybe three sips of her iced coffee that she can’t start her day without. Small, medium, large, doesn’t matter, two to three sips. She’ll carry it around for two hours, no additional sips. 85% full, why’d we get her a venti? No idea. Only two, three sips.”
Glennon Doyle:
She likes the feel of it. It’s tethering her to the earth, okay? It’s helping her have gravity. Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
@ColinZap4, this one is a person after my own heart. “My wife’s beige flag is that she keeps tags on everything just in case she wants to return it. Pillows we bought a year ago, still has tags. Patio furniture, tags still intact.”
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Yes to that.
Amanda Doyle:
I feel like it’s important to cover yourself. You don’t want to over commit.
Glennon Doyle:
Me too. A lot of times people will be like, “Oh my gosh, your tag’s still on, whatever.” Then I have to pretend that it was an accident. I’ll go, “Oh, no.”
Abby Wambach:
It’s not an accident.
Glennon Doyle:
No. Sometimes it feels like such a commitment. You know I return a lot of things.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, I know, but after the second wear, isn’t it your-
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Abby Wambach:
Just after the first wear?
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, when you’re like, “I don’t know.”
Amanda Doyle:
She’s just wearing it. It’s her 6,000th for the day. It’s going to be changed in 45 minutes.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m only going to wear it for an hour.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, she has to make sure she looks comfortable. I feel this way. I do the same thing if I have a shirt with a stain on it and I put it on, but I really like the shirt that I just wear it. Then the first time someone says, “Oh, you’ve got a stain,” I say, “Oh.” I pretend it just happened.
Glennon Doyle:
I do that with watches. I have two watches. Neither of them have ever worked, not one time. I’ve never set them, never.
Abby Wambach:
They work. You just have never set them.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, well, isn’t that the important part of working is that this clock tells the time?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, but they’re automatic watches, so you actually have to set them every time you put them on.
Amanda Doyle:
She’s saying they’re not broken. She’s saying they’re not broken and you’re saying functionally, they are.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
But I still wear them all the time. Then when anyone asks me what time it is, I look at my watch and go, “Oh,” because I can’t say, “I don’t use my watch for that.”
Amanda Doyle:
@CassandraPalumbo, “My partner’s beige flag is that he doesn’t put his phone on silent mode throughout the night because he is scared it means his morning alarm won’t go off. No matter how many times I tell him or secretly do it and it still goes off, he just won’t risk it and I have to be consistently woken up all night by all of his notifications.”
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, that’s terrible.
Abby Wambach:
That’s horrible.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s an example of maybe not a beige flag, because I feel like what beige flags are, they are not objectionable.
Glennon Doyle:
Right, that’s objectionable.
Amanda Doyle:
That is objectionable.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, but then you also have sympathy because maybe he has some major anxiety around things.
Amanda Doyle:
Right, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not objectionable. Her ass is getting woken up all night long.
Abby Wambach:
Just test it out on your phone.
Amanda Doyle:
Also it’s verifiable.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, test it.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s verifiable that that will work.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, test it on your phone so that he can, for one night, that it will still work. Then he will turn him off.
Amanda Doyle:
But I feel like Cassandra, she’s tried a lot of things. I don’t think it’s a lack of trying logical explanations that Cassandra is still waking up all night every night.
Glennon Doyle:
This is not about logic. Okay, my boyfriend’s beige flag is that he thinks he’s a Waze influencer.
Glennon Doyle:
I was wondering if anyone ever thought they were. There is no cop? He makes a note. Traffic? He’ll confirm it’s there. Stuck in dead stop traffic? He writes funny notes to everyone else. He gets really excited when people like his notes. He got 114 likes on a note the other day. It was a big deal. He would rather use a paper map than Apple or Google Maps. This man is loyal.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, Anna Redman, that’s good.
Glennon Doyle:
Feels like public service.
Amanda Doyle:
He’s a Waze influencer. Oh, Anna Redman, this is the future. TikTok influencers be damned. The Waze influencer is the one of the future. Get this guy a contract.
Glennon Doyle:
Super helpful.
Abby Wambach:
I’ve always wondered when it shows up still here or whatever. I’m always like, “Who’s touching that?”
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, well, I’ll tell you who is, Anna’s boyfriend. Apparently, you get preferential treatment or some kind of points. I just learned about this. So if you click the still there, somehow-
Abby Wambach:
It’s taking you the best, fastest route.
Amanda Doyle:
No, no, no, no, but somehow you’re getting equity, social equity. Something’s happening that’s good for you.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, my God.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s good stuff. I love it. All right, here we go. This is @NatRow. “My girlfriend’s beige flag is that she laughs so hard at her own jokes like she just invented comedy. She’s her own entertainment. This girl will be tearing up by herself nonstop and will end with a … I’m so funny. Even by just bringing up her beige flag, she will giggle.”
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, that’s sweet.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s actually lovely.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, enjoying your own company, green flag.
Amanda Doyle:
I am so funny. I get a kick out of me.
Glennon Doyle:
I get a real kick out of me. Okay, my partner’s beige flag, they refuse to charge their phone until it dies.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes, same, same. 5%, just wait until it’s dead to plug it in. Doesn’t matter if there’s a cord right there. It’s not being charged.
Abby Wambach:
That is good. That is a beige flag for sure and that is by @IRLFleabag.
Amanda Doyle:
Okay, @DumplingKingdom, “My cat” … Oh, we’re doing cats now. “My cat’s beige flag is that she only stays calm in the car if I meow the national anthem.”
Glennon Doyle:
I’m so glad this is a cat because when my eyes went down to this one, I didn’t see the cat part. So I thought this was someone’s partner that needed to be meowed the national anthem. So that’s-
Amanda Doyle:
Whatever you’re into. I’m not judging that.
Abby Wambach:
Can you guys try to meow the national anthem?
Glennon Doyle:
(Singing).
Amanda Doyle:
(Singing).
Abby Wambach:
I just couldn’t figure out how to do it and you did it so easily.
Amanda Doyle:
I would like to look at her up because maybe she does it with a little more gusto.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh wait, it says that they have a video, if you want to see it on the TikTok of her meowing to the tune of the national anthem while their cat sleeps in their lap that has 6.5 million views. Oh, my God.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh, God.
Abby Wambach:
All right, so @SmellyBelly, “My husband’s beige flag is that every time I’m watching my own show, he will join in and watch an episode, then proceed to call it our show, which means I cannot watch it without him. I have zero shows that I can watch on my own.” SmellyBelly, Bella Mucata, this is upsetting to me. This feels like a red flag.
Amanda Doyle:
Out of all of them, this is what you’re picking?
Abby Wambach:
Yes, because he can’t just sit down and claim that now it’s our show. That has to be mutually agreed upon.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, all right. Red flag, red flag. I think it’s sweet that he wants to watch all the shows with her.
Abby Wambach:
I don’t know if he wants to, because he would’ve done it from the beginning.
Glennon Doyle:
Could be a little controlling, okay. All right, my boyfriend’s beige flag is that he hates the number 11, specifically the fact that six plus five equals 11. He says that six and five are just too good of numbers to simply equal 11. It really bothers him that the number that these two super cool numbers total up to is just 11. It’s anticlimactic and unsatisfying to him for some reason. I understand this, because I think it’s very unsatisfying that Chicago is a city inside of a state called Illinois. I feel like Illinois should be a city and Chicago should be a state. It’s wrong. So I understand this and this dude a lot. Not a lot of people give that much respect to things like this.
Abby Wambach:
This is from Faith, @NotFaithCore.
Amanda Doyle:
I can get behind that six and five are cool numbers. I wonder why 11 is so decidedly objectionable.
Glennon Doyle:
I don’t know, but you know what? To me, it feels so satisfying. Six plus five equals 11. 11 is a good combination of six plus five.
Abby Wambach:
I don’t think so. I think five is a terrible number. Six is also like meh.
Abby Wambach:
I’m the opposite of this guy. I feel like 11 is wonderful. How could 11 be consumed by this five and six?
Amanda Doyle:
Okay, all right, this is amazing. This one is @ClarifyForMe. “My girlfriend’s beige flag is she will make absolute messes trying to feed me all of her food, alfredo togo in the car, all of her trust on a plastic fork, trying to get it across my console while I’m driving. She’s tried feeding me meat loafs in red sauce with spoon across our fresh, clean, ready to stain bedsheets. Ice cream, you know that cone’s coming at me a million times an hour while we are walking. I would say 50% of the shared food is on the floor of my car now.”
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, she just has an experience and it’s so good that she’s desperate for her partner to experience it too, regardless of how it happens. That’s sweet.
Amanda Doyle:
Ice cream, you know that cone’s coming at me a million miles an hour while we are walking. That’s good.
Abby Wambach:
All right,. So this is Mike Gotchok. My girlfriend’s beige flag is that she doesn’t know her left and right, but also has a GPS in her brain. You could drop her in the Amazon with nothing and she’d find her way out in 30 minutes, but if you tell her to turn left, she has to take five and make an L-shape with her hands to figure it out. Oh, my gosh. I feel like I do that still.
Amanda Doyle:
Me too.
Abby Wambach:
Okay, left, yeah. This is the left side.
Glennon Doyle:
An idea I had for an invention is that I think they should make yoga pants that have an L and R on the bottom, because the yoga instructors always say, “Lift your left foot or your right foot,” but it’s so confusing because I don’t know. That’s not automatic. Left and right are not automatic for me. I can tell that for most people they are, but it’s not automatic, takes me a minute. Also, the teacher’s looking at you. It’s a mirror effect.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, they’re opposite.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, that’s confusing.
Amanda Doyle:
Also, it’s always, don’t be thinking. Be in your body. Don’t be in your brain. But then they give you a pop quiz every 30 seconds.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s like calculus.
Amanda Doyle:
Right Arm, left leg, and I’m like, “But you just told me specifically I didn’t have to be in my brain.”
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly. So I do think that that would be good, if anyone wants to make that, L and R.
Amanda Doyle:
Remember when I thought that we were all going to get really rich because I had an incredible new idea for an invention of a mirror app? Then I realized that everyone had a camera on their phone. I was like, “I cannot believe this doesn’t exist.”
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, that’s good.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. My fiance’s beige flag is that he doesn’t like to eat dinner in silence. He will Google couples questions or relationships quiz and ask me the most random yet intimate questions in a room full of people as if we’re in our own world.
Abby Wambach:
That’s good.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s really sweet actually. Green flag. Oh god.
Amanda Doyle:
Cody Ev, my girlfriend’s beige flag is that she announces everything. Her stomach just growled. I have to know. Dinner is ready. She’s telling me. She has to tell me like it’s the most important thing in the world. She’s cold. She’s calling me to let me know. Her FaceTime calls are just a daily news report.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, my God.
Amanda Doyle:
I like the news report. It’s so true. Some people like to tell you everything. John, another beige flag he has is I’ll be like, “Well, how’d the conversation go?” He’ll be like, “Okay, well, I said, ‘Blah, blah, blah,’ and then they said, ‘Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,’ and then I said,” and then he just repeats the conversation verbatim. I’m like, “So basically you’re just giving me a transcript then, not a synopsis. Next time, maybe an executive summary of the conversation, not a court reporter.”
Glennon Doyle:
Because then what has to happen is you really have to decide how that conversation went based on the full report. You have to draw the conclusions that you were actually asking for. Okay, I just had to say this whole idea I think is going to help me. People are so absurd and delightful.
Abby Wambach:
Yes, all of us.
Glennon Doyle:
It is so fun to think about the quirky, not bad, not good things, that neutral weird area of, huh. It’s a good place to be with people.
Amanda Doyle:
Also, it’s a new opportunity. There are so many things that I’ve wasted so much time not being pissed about, like six plus five equals 11. I’ve never thought to have an opinion on that, not once.
Glennon Doyle:
I have a lot of them about cities and states, if you want to know. When I did give the first speech to my family about how it’s obnoxious that Chicago is not a state, but Illinois, as if anyone’s ever heard of that, is a state. Everyone’s heard of Chicago. So anyway, Abby was looking at me at the table like she’s looking at me right now in a little bit of embarrassment and disdain. One of my kids goes, “Exactly. I have always thought that.” All right, before we close pod squad-ers, also feel free to call in your beige flags.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, call in (747) 200-5307.
Glennon Doyle:
If nothing else, just to make us laugh a lot, but we realized last week that we forgot to do pod squad-ers of the week for a year and a half. That’s our beige flag. So we are back with a pod squad-er of the week.
Amanda Doyle:
After episode 217 where we were talking about our daily delights, Carolyn called in with her daily delight. So if you haven’t checked out the amazing episode 217, do that for a whole hour of delight.
Carolyn:
This is Carolyn. I am a suburban mom and I’m always in the car with my two kids. They are six and four and they are so delighted by any car that is not white, black, gray. If they see a purple car or a green car, I get a shout from the back. Purple car, green car. The delight has spilled over to me, so even when I’m alone in the car and I see a purple car, I’m like, “Purple car.” I just get so delighted now by all the bright-colored cars on the road. Maybe you’ll spot some bright-colored cars now while you’re driving around. All right, love you. Keep up the good work. Bye.
Glennon Doyle:
So sweet. I’d like to end with the flag that I think we all have, because you and I got in a little debate about this. I think it’s precious that all of us, if we are in a car and we pass by cows-
Abby Wambach:
Oh, my gosh.
Glennon Doyle:
Or horses, we have to say, “Cows, horses.”
Amanda Doyle:
I just say, “Moo.”
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, well, something. You have to acknowledge the existence of cows. Abby told me that’s not true. People go by cows all the time and never … So this was a couple years ago. So we’re in the car. The time after this conversation debate, we’re passing a herd of cows. We are in a game of silence chicken. I can feel the energy. She knows how wrong it is that no one’s yelling cow. She knows it, but she can’t.
Amanda Doyle:
She knows it in her bones.
Glennon Doyle:
But she can’t say it, because then it will make me right. So we are, I don’t know, a half mile past the cows. I’m feeling like we broke a law of the universe and she goes, “Cows!”
Abby Wambach:
Did you see the cows? You saw those cows. God, what the hell is that? I was like, “I don’t say that. That is just not true for me,” and it is true for me. Now I’m like, “Cows.” I’m surprised by myself. It was so subconscious before.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s like the color purple thing. This has got off if you see a herd of cows and you don’t yell, “Moo,” or, “Cow.”
Amanda Doyle:
Is it herd of cows?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
Gaggle?
Abby Wambach:
It’s a herd.
Glennon Doyle:
A school of cows?
Abby Wambach:
It’s a herd.
Amanda Doyle:
A murder of cows? It’s a murder of crows.
Glennon Doyle:
I know, that’s weird. That’s really weird.
Amanda Doyle:
I feel like of all the animals, really crows? I get a murder of hippos.
Glennon Doyle:
No, crows are scary. Yeah, they’re scary. They look like they’re about to murder. They really do. They’re suspicious as shit. Okay, we love you, pod squad. I don’t know whether to say you are welcome for this episode or we are sorry. Either way, we will see you next time. Bye.
Abby Wambach:
Bye.
Glennon Doyle:
If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us if you’d be willing to take 30 seconds to do each or all of these three things. First, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the pod helps you because you’ll never miss an episode, and it helps us because you’ll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and then just tap the plus sign in the upper right-hand corner or click on follow. This is the most important thing for the pod. While you’re there, if you’d be willing to give us a five star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful. We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 Studios.