Gloria Steinem: Laughing Our Way to Liberation
March 7, 2023
Glennon Doyle:
Today on We Can Do Hard Things, we are speaking with and mostly listening to Gloria Steinem.
Glennon Doyle:
Gloria Steinem is Gloria Steinem. She is a writer, lecturer, political activist, feminist organizer, and lifelong listener. She is the author of The Truth Will Set You Free, But First It Will Piss You Off, My Life on the Road, Moving Beyond Words, Revolution from Within, and Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions; and a founder of New York Magazine, Ms. Magazine, the National Women’s Political Caucus, the Ms. Foundation for Women, the Free To Be Foundation, and the Women’s Media Center in the United States. Although she wants us to be linked and not ranked, it’s true that she’s widely regarded as the iconic leader of the second wave feminist movement. She has spent decades traveling in other countries as an organizer and a listener.
Glennon Doyle:
She’s particularly interested in the shared origins of sex and race caste systems, gender roles and child abuse as roots of violence, in nonviolent conflict resolution in the wisdom of indigenous cultures, and in organizing across boundaries for peace and justice. In 2013, she was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Barack Obama, and in 2019 she received the Freedom Award from the National Civil Rights Museum. She lives in New York City and in the DNA of every woman who is trying to give birth to a movement or to herself.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
Welcome Gloria. Thank you for doing so many hard things with such tenacity and wisdom and humor, and most importantly, with the refusal to leave anyone behind.
Gloria Steinem:
Well, thank you for that introduction. I’m already worrying about can I live up to my-
Abby Wambach:
Oh yeah. Right, right, right.
Gloria Steinem:
But I’m really looking forward to this talk today because I know I’m going to learn too.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my goodness. So we would love to begin where it all began with Ruth, your mother. You knew your mother as a woman whose life was ruled by her mental illness. And by the age of 10, in fact, you were her caretaker. And later on you learned that she was a pioneering journalist with huge ambitions and a man she loved, both of which she never pursued. In Ruth’s Song, which I reread all the time, you said of her, “I miss her, but perhaps no more in death than I did in life.” Oh, does that line speak to so much. Can you tell us what you meant by that?
Gloria Steinem:
I think many of us had mothers who could not be fully their own talented, autonomous, independent selves. And that’s a source of sorrow for us, and also in some ways we’re living out the unlived lives of our mothers. I’m a journalist and I’m happy to be a journalist, but I’m sure that it had something to do with the fact that I knew that my mother had worked for the Toledo Blade and she used to show me how to fold a piece of paper to make a reporter’s notebook in your palm before there were reporter’s notebook. I mean, I’m sure that I absorbed some of the love for it from her. And the sorrow is that she should have been able to complete her own life and to continue with what she loved, and she just couldn’t.
Abby Wambach:
Can you tell us about when you asked your mom about why she didn’t pursue the love and ambitions of her life?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, I knew that she had not actually left the Toledo Blade, the big local newspaper in Toledo, until my older sister, she’s 10 years older than I am, was about six. So I realized that she had tried to continue even after she had a child to look out for, and even after she was married to my father, a wonderfully kind but kind of also irresponsible person. But I realized that it had been such a toll on her that she had had what was then termed a “nervous breakdown,” and been unable to function. Spent almost a year in a sanatorium. And when she came out, I think her spirit was broken. She felt she couldn’t continue as she wished to.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. And I love this part of, I think it’s in On The Road when you said, “Why didn’t you continue the ambition? Go with that man who you were truly in love with.” What did… She said, “Well, then you wouldn’t have been born.”
Gloria Steinem:
Yes. It’s hard to argue with that.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. But in your mind you did argue with that.
Gloria Steinem:
But I did. I did argue with that. I mean, it did say… But that would’ve been okay. “And indeed,” I said, “But you would’ve been born instead.” But that fate was the same for a lot of women and indeed it still is. There are a lot of women who still have to give up their dreams and their occupations in order to take care of children. It’s still the case that women care for children more than men do, even though there’s not a star in the east. Children have fathers too. I mean, fathers should be equally responsible. So it’s better because of the civil rights movement, the women’s movement, all the great social justice movements, but it’s still unequal. Very unequal.
Amanda Doyle:
And you realized that later that what you had when you were young attributed to some personal or individual failure in your mother, you realized that it was actually this structural failure, that it wasn’t that she was crazy, but that the system that she was born into was crazy. And you dedicate your life to making sure that women know that they are not broken, but they were born into a system that was intended to break their spirits. Can you talk to us about Talking Circles and how they change everything in terms of people understanding that they are not crazy, but they’re all part of this system that is making them feel that way?
Gloria Steinem:
I think this simple act, whether it’s a Talking Circle or two women at a kitchen table or whatever it is, of being able to tell the truth about your feelings and your life experience and be heard and hear someone else’s truth, is how we understand the collective truth. It’s possible to understand it from reading statistics and so on, but I think it’s much more likely if we hear other people’s personal stories that we identify with. So every social justice movement that I’m aware of started out that way. The civil rights movement started in Black churches in the South with people testifying about what happened to them. The anti-Vietnam War movement started with a few men resisting going off to what was an unjust war in the first place. And there’s nothing more basic or radical than telling the truth and listening to the truth from other people.
Abby Wambach:
In so many photographs of you and your organizing partners, whether it’s you and Bella Abzug, Flo Kennedy, Dorothy Pitman Hughes, or Wilma Mankiller, you all seem to be laughing. There’s so much joy and laughter. We have to understand how this is possible. After so many decades of fighting against this unrelenting bullshit, how were you and are you so full of laughter instead of bitterness?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, I think we need each other. I’m not sure that if I were isolated I would be laughing.
Abby Wambach:
Right.
Gloria Steinem:
Maybe. But laughter is crucial because laughter turns out to be the one emotion that can’t be compelled. It’s a proof of freedom. And in many Native American cultures, there’s a god of laughter who is neither male nor female and connects the known world to the unknown world. You can make somebody afraid obviously. You can even make someone feel they’re in love if they’re kept isolated and dependent for long enough, but you can’t make them laugh. And I just love that as a proof of freedom. And laughing together is such a communal experience, and I think we should be aware of churches and temples that keep us from laughing. You know? Wait a minute. What is that about? Right?
Glennon Doyle:
I can’t stop thinking about the laughter as proof of freedom because… Gloria, one of the things that makes me so furious about myself is when I giggle like it’s compulsory at something, a man says it isn’t funny. It’s like I’m in the middle of this mandatory scripted… Like, it’s my job in any public square to reward a man for mediocrity or bullshit. The other evening I was at dinner with a guy, and it was a work thing, so there was a power differential and I couldn’t say what I wanted to say. I really couldn’t in that moment because there were other people there, but I swore to myself what I’m not going to do is laugh. I’m not going to laugh at any of the things he says and then expects me to laugh. And Gloria, it felt like a war. He would talk and then I would refuse to giggle. And then he looked confused and then furious. And then once he said something so arrogant that I actually burst into laughter and he looked like he wanted to kill me.
Gloria Steinem:
Yeah. Well, now that’s very interesting. You’ve raised a whole other frontier of laughter that I wasn’t thinking about. I was thinking of the kind of sincere, irresistible desire to laugh. And you’re thinking about compulsory laughter as an expected response to bullshit or whatever. Right? So thank you for saying that. Now, from now on, I should talk about the resistance to phony laughter.
Glennon Doyle:
Fake laughter. Right? It felt like the bravest thing in the world. I felt like I am a warrior of non laughter. And then Gloria, I think about Christine Blasey Ford when she’s talking about the laughter of the men when she testified and she said, “What is indelible in the hippocampus is the laughter.” There’s something about laughter that is so fraught with power, and I guess proof of freedom.
Gloria Steinem:
Yes. Well, that’s… Yeah. That’s a belittling kind of laughter.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Gloria Steinem:
Yeah. No, I agree.
Amanda Doyle:
Because when you think about it, yes, the one that can’t be compelled is the actual axiomatic response to something where it’s just the reflection of your connection and joy and solidarity with that person. You get them. But then the fake laugh that you’re talking about, Glennon, I think a fake laugh is exactly like a fake orgasm. And a fake orgasm is exactly like a fake laugh. Both are intended to placate the outside while slowly killing you inside because it’s this idea that it isn’t for you. It’s for keeping the outside steady-
Glennon Doyle:
Keeping steady. Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
We’re giving up on our right to have that pleasure and enjoyment and instead placating the moment and the power dynamics that we’re in.
Gloria Steinem:
Right. And it’s such a form of internal control because it isn’t as if there’s anything forcing you. You know? It’s an acquiescence internally. So okay, this is the impulse. Not to laugh is just as important as being able to laugh.
Amanda Doyle:
Yes. Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
I realized that with Tish. I was at the grocery store with my daughter, and some dude said something that was really dumb and I giggled. And Tish looked at me as if I had betrayed the earth. And I had.
Gloria Steinem:
Well, that’s great. How old is she?
Glennon Doyle:
She is now 16, but she’s been fighting the fight since she was about three.
Gloria Steinem:
No, well, that’s great because that’s… Yes, the younger people around us can be great correctives with that look right.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. That look. That look of betrayal. Yes.
Abby Wambach:
It might be easy for people to think of you as a superhero who happens to be made for conflict. I think of Glennon in this way too. But you talk all the time about how you actually hate conflict. You cry when you are angry.
Gloria Steinem:
Yes. I do hate conflict. And I guess part of the reason that I became a writer was so I could deal with conflict in a peaceful setting. And the French who have a phrase for everything have a phrase, mots d’escalier. It’s the words that you think of on the staircase on the way out that you should have said and didn’t say. So if you’re a writer, you have a place for those words. But whether it’s laughing or not laughing or saying what you really… It’s all about the right to be authentic and not to be so governed by the shoulds of life, what you should do, that it takes over your body, your face, your laughter, and even your voice.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. I think I was telling my sister when we had read something that you wrote about laughter. And I was telling her that the thing that makes me the saddest that my mom does is giggle when she should at whoever who has said the thing. And the thing that makes me most joyful is when my mom laughs from her belly and it looks ridiculous. And it’s-
Amanda Doyle:
She’s like hyperventilating. Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
Snorting. Like… And it’s when I see my mom the most free. And it is often when she’s with her sisters or her grandkids. And yeah, I guess it has to do with bodily autonomy.
Gloria Steinem:
Yeah. And authenticity. Have you told her that to your mom?
Glennon Doyle:
No. But she’ll listen to this. So, hey mom, love that about her.
Gloria Steinem:
Great. Hey mom, I’m sending you my love too. And laughter. Right? A laughter of your own.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Gloria Steinem:
Perhaps we should do that. We should say that as well as a room of your own.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
A laugh of your own. Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
Speaking of bodily autonomy, you say that the root of sexism is controlling reproduction. And many people think of reproductive justice as kind of one slice of the pie. Why is it that you believe that every aspect of liberation is predicated on that?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, it’s the most universal and the most basic. I’m not saying that people who are waged or domestic workers without rights. It’s not that that’s necessarily immediately connected to reproduction. But the very definition of patriarchy is controlling women’s bodies as the means of reproduction because we happened to have wombs. And there were many centuries and cultures before patriarchy that wasn’t always this way. The power to give birth was a reason why women were equal and powerful and not something to be controlled.
Gloria Steinem:
I remember sitting once with women in the Kalahari Desert, and they were showing me the natural growing herbs that they used for contraception and abortifacients and that they also use to increase fertility. So obviously, ever since there have been human beings, and this is probably true of animals too, there have been ways of increasing and decreasing fertility according to the food supply or how many children or cubs you already have. I mean, it’s always been present.
Glennon Doyle:
And isn’t that part of how the witch trials started, looking for women who were using herbs to control reproduction?
Gloria Steinem:
Yes. Yes. And witches got the reputation for “eating babies” because a woman would go in to see a witch pregnant and come out unpregnant. That was very sinister. And the witch trials of course went on, not only in Europe, but here too in New England.
Amanda Doyle:
So the PR hasn’t changed much.
Gloria Steinem:
No.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m dying to ask you about this. So something I’m constantly learning is that one can be a feminist who is White and not be a White feminist because White feminism is a brand of feminism that seeks more proximity to hierarchical power instead of the destruction of hierarchy altogether. So if patriarchy is a ladder, White feminism identifies up instead of down. And White feminism is just forever abandoning folks. It helps White women kind of sneak in the door.
Gloria Steinem:
That’s interesting because that’s another way of putting it. I would just say if feminism doesn’t include all women, it’s not feminism. There really is no such thing as White feminism.
Abby Wambach:
Wow.
Glennon Doyle:
So what is the kind of “feminism”? So examples Betty Friedan in the ’60s insisting that feminism at first move on without lesbians or like right now, one of the examples that I would think of is the TERFs to insisting that feminism shut the door on trans women. So it seems like it’s mostly related to when White women run things, but what is that if it’s not feminism? It seems to be there’s a taste of that, that is tricking people into thinking it’s feminism. What is it?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, I think we’re born into some kind of hierarchy. And in order to move up in the hierarchy, we may think we have to imitate a hierarchical mind. So if you’re identifying up only then it may be much whiter up there than it should be. But it’s still, to me, not feminism because if… Just in the dictionary feminism includes all women or it’s not feminism.
Glennon Doyle:
So we have a lot of theories. But why, Gloria, do you believe that so many of us White women are still voting with the patriarchy?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, for one thing, a large proportion of White women are dependent on the identity and incomes of White men. So they may be voting the interests of their husbands. They may not have information to the contrary. So in some ways, it’s amazing that the majority of White women are not voting in the way that they’re supposed to, and the ever-increasing majority. Because it is kind of crucial where your income is coming from and who your neighbors are and what you know. And it’s the job of a movement to make another supportive force in the world so that there’s more choice.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s so interesting to me because it just occurred to me that we’re talking about fake laughing at men and fake orgasm. Is it possible that we fake laugh at offensive things for the same reason we fake orgasm for the same reason we vote with men because we believe that we somehow have a stake in their happiness? That if they’re content, we’re treated better. Whether it’s at a grocery store or the bedroom or the poles, that on some level we believe that pleasing them will make our life easier.
Glennon Doyle:
Keep us safe.
Abby Wambach:
Safety.
Gloria Steinem:
Well, it’s not just belief if you’re entirely dependent on a man’s income. You know? But women do in those situations also rebel. I mean, I remember meeting a woman after one election who told me she locked her husband in the bathroom for the entire election day because she realized that his vote negated her vote.
Glennon Doyle:
Wow.
Gloria Steinem:
So she locked him in the bathroom so he couldn’t vote.
Glennon Doyle:
It takes all approaches, doesn’t it? Oh my gosh. But it’s so true what you’re saying. It’s like a fake vote almost. Even Gloria just said that we need to extend choice, expand choice for voting. Like applying the word choice for voting, because if you believe your only security is in the fact that your husband stays in power, do you feel that you have a choice?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, I mean that may be a localized individualized economic truth, but the larger truth is that unless we vote, we don’t exist.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s right.
Gloria Steinem:
We don’t have a voice in the governance of our county, city, nation, whatever it is.
Amanda Doyle:
And that’s the role of the movement. If it is true that I vote with you and my life is easier or better, then the role of a movement is to create an opportunity to say, “No. Actually, that is the thing that will make my life better and easier.” And so-
Gloria Steinem:
Right. And our schools should be doing it too. Our civics courses or American history courses. Why did we fight a civil war over the vote and equal citizenship? Why did people die for it?
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. It is interesting. I was reading the poem that Alice Walker wrote about you called She. And there’s this one stanza that says you make activism irresistible because you yourself are irresistible. And that makes me think about what you’re saying, that we have to create a movement that looks and feels like what we actually want so that there’s another place to go other than these shitty consolation prizes, which are unequal structures.
Gloria Steinem:
Because we’re social animals. You know? There’s a reason why solitary confinement is the worst punishment everywhere in the world. So we need each other and we need to create a supportive place where women can vote for themselves.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Because the pictures of you laughing, it makes me ache. That’s what we want. We want to be in powerful places with women who are laughing. I don’t know how else to say it other than I feel the yearning come up when I see you doing that with your sisters. And that’s the alternative to this other thing.
Gloria Steinem:
It’s good that you say that because it’s probably true that when you say the word movement, it seems serious and difficult. And so we should include the laughter. Absolutely.
Abby Wambach:
So I want to ask you about a story I read about the Ask the Turtle.
Gloria Steinem:
It’s kind of a parable. And it happened to me when I was in college and taking geology, which I thought was the easiest of the science requirements. So we were on a field trip along the Connecticut River. And while the professor was telling us about the meander curves of the Connecticut River or something, I had wandered up a little dirt road to the embankment of an asphalt road. And there was a turtle there in the soft dirt that was the embankment.
Gloria Steinem:
And I thought, “Oh, look at that poor turtle. It’s crawled all the way up here from the river, and how sad.” It was a big snapping turtle. So I pushed and pulled and tugged and got this turtle back down to put in the river. And just as it swam away in the river, the professor came up behind me and said, “You know, that turtle has probably spent at least a month crawling up that road in order to lay its eggs in the mud and of the embankment.” And I felt terrible of course. And that became a source of a, I think, still very valid political rule, which is always ask the turtle. You know?
Abby Wambach:
Wow.
Gloria Steinem:
Don’t act on behalf of other people. Ask first.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s so important because the people with a lived experience are the expert. If you get in a group and you’re deciding how to help a group of people that is not present, you are not helping those people.
Glennon Doyle:
You are a nightmare is what you are. You’re a nightmare.
Gloria Steinem:
Well, you have a great impulse. It’s just that before you act, you need to ask the people who are most impacted.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. So this makes me think of screwing up in public because I have had low so many turtle moments, Gloria. Even though I’ve read everything you’ve written still had some turtle moments. So-
Gloria Steinem:
We all have turtle moments. Isn’t that right?
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. A lot of us are afraid to step up and speak out because we know that it’s not a matter of if, but when we’re going to fuck up and get our asses handed to us. So I myself have deservedly had my ass handed to me many times. One of the things that makes me so heartened is when I read that you call yourself thin-skinned. And this thing that Flo Kennedy said to you blew my mind, and I’ve been wanting to ask you about it. She once said to you after a public ass-kicking, she said, “The ass-kickings are to keep your ass sensitive.” My heart exploded when I read that sentence. But can you explain to us what you believe she meant by that?
Gloria Steinem:
It serves a purpose. I mean, it’s called communication. And when somebody tells us that we could have done something better, it’s very valuable. It’s not that we failed. It’s that we’re learning. And she was always a wonderful teacher. She was always very clear about that. When you talk about Flo, I think of her as… Because all the time we were lecturing together, there would often be one dissident male person in the audience who would call out to us, “Are you lesbians?” And Flo always said, “Are you my alternative?” Which made the audience laugh and didn’t pay his question the honor of answering it. You know? Right.
Abby Wambach:
So good.
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly.
Gloria Steinem:
No, Flo is a great example and teacher.
Glennon Doyle:
I always think about my friend, Dr. Yaba Blay, who’s an unbelievable speaker, lecturer, teacher. And she always says, “If I’m correcting you, it’s because I believe I’m not wasting my breath with you.” Like, it’s an honor to be corrected by me.
Gloria Steinem:
And it’s how we get better. Frequently I think we have to ask and say, “Please tell me what I’m doing wrong or could do better,” because people, maybe especially female people, are reluctant to say that.
Glennon Doyle:
Do you think that sensitivity and thin-skinness is a plus in this sort of work as opposed to a negative?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, it’s a question of degree, isn’t it? Because we do have to go forward into areas where we’re not supposed to go. So we have to thicken up for the moment. But in general, I think it’s a plus. Yes. Because it makes us more sensitive to what’s going on in the outside world.
Abby Wambach:
I’m curious. Has it gotten easier? Because I’m hoping that when I get to 60s, 70s, 80s, I’m hoping that I just give zero shits. Like-
Glennon Doyle:
About negative feedback, you mean?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Because you’ve been through it for so long. Does it get easier?
Gloria Steinem:
I would say yes, but I think what I need to add is it’s because there’s a movement. I mean, we’re not meant to be isolated, individual, revolutionary pioneers or something. We of course need other human beings. So the learning process becomes a positive one to go forward in a more effective way, not a rejection.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s practical and logistical to me because whenever I get in my turtle situations, it’s because I’ve gone rogue. I’ve gone rogue. And I should be unturtled. But when you move with a group of people, any criticism that comes is to the movement because you have not moved alone. So it’s less personal.
Gloria Steinem:
It’s true, but I’m worried about your turtle self because I want your turtle self to be set free.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Gloria Steinem:
I mean, don’t censor your individual turtle self either.
Glennon Doyle:
Thank you. Thank you.
Abby Wambach:
I also think that when you do get criticized, that is proof of progress because 50 years ago they were not even talking about us. Right? I think that it was in the doc-
Glennon Doyle:
Gloria says that. Yeah, yeah.
Abby Wambach:
Right? That was in the documentary. I think that that’s really interesting. And as a soccer player, that’s something that we came to understand in a different way. When people started criticizing us, we had to actually learn how to take the criticism because this was new territory. Nobody ever gave a shit before to even criticize us. So it’s just like, “Hey, this is progress.”
Gloria Steinem:
Yeah. In my life, in my Toledo high school life, girls did not do sports really. I mean, we complained bitterly even about doing gym.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m annoyed we even called a movement. I just want to sit and laugh with y’all.
Abby Wambach:
So prior to 1975… We have to talk about this because the term sexual harassment did not even exist. Sexual harassment was just life. What I want to know is what injustices are we living through now that we consider just life?
Gloria Steinem:
Oh, that’s fascinating. Well, I would say that a big one, maybe the biggest one is we’re still not recognizing that children, generally speaking, have two parents. Not in all situations, but in many, men can and should be really co-parents really, an equal parent. And I think it began to happen a little more during COVID because everybody was at home and men could see perhaps for the first time on a day long basis what it takes to raise infants and little children. So we’ll see. But perhaps that’s been helpful. But just as women become whole people by being active outside the home, men become whole people by being active in it.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
I love, Gloria, you said we’ve begun to raise our daughters more like sons, but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.
Gloria Steinem:
Yes, we did. Free to Be You and Me is a collection of children’s stories. It became a book, a record, a television show, which people still see, I believe.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Gloria Steinem:
And that was for boys as well as girls. I mean, there’s a song called William Wants a Doll, which is he feels he shouldn’t, and then his grandmother says to him, “No, it’s very important and you learn how to take care of it.” And the song William Wants a Doll became a kind of anthem.
Glennon Doyle:
I love that it’s framed as men just being wholly human, not a punishment. It’s always framed as like a punishment. But actually it’s an invitation to the full human experience.
Gloria Steinem:
It is. I think that’s the punishment to all of us for the idea of gender. We’re working our way out of it.
Glennon Doyle:
We’re working our way out of it. That’s the thing that makes all of this so tricky in talking about gender equality, is that gender is not real. It makes it all tricky.
Amanda Doyle:
Your friendships that have sustained your work and your spirit through these many decades are deeply touching. And specifically, I really love your co-conspirator relationship with Wilma Mankiller, the first female principal chief of the Cherokee Nation. And you two plan to write a book together about the wisdom of original cultures, but she passed before you could write it. We are going to have our dear friend Kaitlin Curtice on to talk about that very issue. But I wondered, since writing that book together was so important to you, is there a piece of wisdom that you think that your friend would want us most to understand from the indigenous wisdom that was here long before we were?
Gloria Steinem:
It’s hard because the wisdom itself is kind of circular. Each thing depends on the equality of the next or the existence of the next. But I think just the knowledge that before European explorers set foot on this land, there were already cultures that were egalitarian. Even Benjamin Franklin, who was not… You know, your least patriarchal of all people. But anyway, he did use the Iroquois Confederacy as a model for the Constitution because there were individual groups, linguistic groups, cooperative groups all over the country, and they came together in a longhouse meeting in which everyone spoke in turn to make decisions.
Gloria Steinem:
And that was the basis for our congress and for our departure from what the Europeans had left, which were kings. You know what I mean? They did not leave democracies in which they were experienced. They really experienced them once they got here. So I wish that our courses in government or political science began when people began on this continent. And in my experience, they don’t usually begin with Native American cultures. And I think it would be helpful if they did.
Glennon Doyle:
I just wanted to say thank you for fighting so hard to keep lesbians in the women’s movement. Thanks for that. What do you see now as most important? What are you waking up every day seeing as your first priority in terms of the continued movement?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, I think to your first point, I think lesbians were often in the leadership of the women’s movement and it more advanced in consciousness because they were less likely to have or to need to have male support for one reason or another, whether it was personal or in jobs. I mean, it’s obviously not a universal truth, but kind of relatively speaking. And what we forget, what I forget, is that in the beginning of the women’s movement in the early, late ’60s, early ’70s and so on, the women’s movement was perceived as a lesbian movement. I remember being called by a friend of mine, an editor I’d worked with for years, who when I became publicly identified with the women’s movement, called me up and said, “Gloria, I didn’t know you were a lesbian.”
Amanda Doyle:
You heard it here first, folks.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s fascinating.
Gloria Steinem:
Nope. I hope we get over this because the humans and other animals love each other. And there is what you might call same-sex sexual behavior in birds and animal species. I mean, hello, there’s a lot of sexual behavior that’s not only directed at reproduction.
Glennon Doyle:
Is that why lesbians piss off the patriarchy so much? Because we’re having sex that’s not based in just reproduction?
Gloria Steinem:
Yeah. Since we have the one thing that guys don’t have, which is a womb, we’re supposed to use that womb for patriarchal purposes. And they clearly are not. I’m not either, but it’s just slightly less obvious, I guess. I don’t know.
Abby Wambach:
It’s interesting because the three of us are activists and we will continue to be activists through the rest of our lives. I need to know how you’ve been able to sustain the energy to keep doing this work decade after decade after decade. Like-
Glennon Doyle:
Avoiding burnout.
Abby Wambach:
Can you give us some tips?
Gloria Steinem:
I feel like I’m… Looking at three of my tips. It’s because we are social creatures. We need each other. And so I’m inspired by what you do. And my friends, whether it was Dorothy Pitman Hughes or Flo Kennedy or Robin Morgan or Amy Richards, who’s my colleague now, we have each other.
Amanda Doyle:
Is that what you think power is? I’ve never heard you define what is power. Real power, not the hierarchy and the structures that we exist under in this moment. But what do you think is the source of true power?
Gloria Steinem:
Well, I don’t know if we can say it in that way, one source, but I think of power to, not power over. So I don’t want the power to dictate to other people because then I will not benefit from their wisdom. But I’d like to have the power to do. You know? To create more equality and kindness in whatever the institution is, whether it’s my house, my neighborhood, the city of New York, the government of the country, getting rid of Trump. You know? Whatever it is. Right?
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
I’ve heard you say that the future depends entirely on what each of us does every day because a movement is only people moving. That feels so hopeful to me because the problem sometimes seems so huge and intractable that how do we know as everyday people where we fit into it and how we are additive to it? For example, you mentioned power dynamics in individual houses. If I am a person working to establish equality in caretaking for children in my home, is that part of the movement? Am I contributing to the movement for equality in doing that in my individual life?
Gloria Steinem:
Yes, absolutely, because you’re normalizing women as achievers outside the home and men as caregivers inside the home that is both get to do both. And what happens in our families is the determinant of our political views, whether for or against, in a very powerful way. In order to do it, we have to see it. So the revolutionary power of an egalitarian equally nurturing home is huge.
Amanda Doyle:
So that’s why maybe you’re part of the movement if you’re not laughing at offensive things that people say because you’re normalizing-
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Gloria Steinem:
Yes. Yeah. Whenever you respond as you’re authentic self and not according to whatever form of the traditional power structure is around you, you’re part of the movement.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, because that’s a challenge. It’s a challenge to not react.
Gloria Steinem:
But also it’s making change. I mean, what kids see in the home. If kids see their fathers as equal caregivers, even when they’re very little, it’s a life-changing difference.
Glennon Doyle:
I read one of your… My partner said, “I think if you don’t know how to do it, just close your eyes and imagine you’re sharing your home with another woman.” How do you divide up the jobs and then do that?
Gloria Steinem:
No, it’s interesting you say that because at the end of lectures with Flo or whatever, we would often with the audience end up having this kind of discussion. Just close your eyes and pretend you’re living with another woman. And also the audiences were full of wisdom. I remember kind of worrying about an older woman. We were having a kind of body discussion. And I thought, “Oh, we’re shocking her in some way.” And finally she got up and she said, “Well, when my husband leaves his underwear on the floor, I find it quite useful to nail it to the floor.”
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
So good.
Glennon Doyle:
I remember you saying that your grandmother was a public feminist and a private isolationist because it is possible to be believing one thing on the outside, but then still recreating. What did you mean by that?
Gloria Steinem:
My father’s mother was a suffragist. And she organized women… Because even after women first had the vote, they were kept from voting because gangs of men and boys hung around the voting place and sexually harassed them and chased them and so on. So she-
Amanda Doyle:
Sounds familiar.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, sounds familiar.
Gloria Steinem:
So she organized women to go and vote in groups, for instance. And she started the first vocational high school in Toledo. She was enormously active. She did cook dinner, I believe, every night, and she had four sons. But she was doing the most that she could do, I think. Because she was of course still economically dependent on my grandfather.
Abby Wambach:
I want to end this podcast in a way that I hope to do you honor. I became who I am as a woman, a lesbian, and an athlete because of you and your sisters and all of the work you’ve done.
Gloria Steinem:
Oh, that’s so moving because I feel like you’re so much beyond.
Abby Wambach:
We stand on Gloria Steinem’s shoulders.
Gloria Steinem:
I mean, I never got beyond tap dancing in the athletics department.
Abby Wambach:
So good. But your voice-
Gloria Steinem:
No team sports.
Glennon Doyle:
Me too. Me too.
Abby Wambach:
Your voice giving women a platform gave the 1972 Title IX law traction that gave me a chance. And I just want to thank you for mothering and sistering me and millions of others into giving birth to ourselves. You have changed the world. You have changed my life, and you have changed the world. Gloria, we love you.
Glennon Doyle:
We love you, Gloria.
Gloria Steinem:
Well, no one could ask for a better reward than what you just said. Nobody on earth. Thank you.
Glennon Doyle:
Thank you, Gloria.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my gosh. We did it everybody.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, y’all. We Can Do Hard Things. We’ll see you back here next time this week. Go give birth to your damn self. Bye.
Gloria Steinem:
Okay.
Glennon Doyle:
Thank you, Gloria.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh, thank you for your time. So precious.
Gloria Steinem:
No, it was fun. Thank you so much. It’s a gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Glennon Doyle:
If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us if you’d be willing to take 30 seconds to do each or all of these three things. First, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the pod helps you because you’ll never miss an episode and it helps us because you’ll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things showpage on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts, and then just tap the plus sign in the upper right-hand corner or click on follow. This is the most important thing for the pod.
Glennon Doyle:
While you’re there, if you’d be willing to give us a five-star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful. We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is produced in partnership with Cadence13 Studios.