Our Most Embarrassing Stories
July 26, 2022
Glennon Doyle:
Welcome back to, We Can Do Hard Things, which is our social experiment, it’s a human experiment. And our hypothesis here is that we can make life for ourselves and you just a teeny smidge easier by talking about hard things. So, that’s what we are really trying to do here. Okay? We are actually trying to ease your burden by talking about the burdens and things. We’re not trying to make your life harder. So if we have been, send us a little note. But today, we have a real experiment to do, which is so exciting and fun. We had Jenny Lawson on, brilliant, hilarious, Jenny Lawson recently. It was our hundredth episode, go back and listen to it. And she talks and writes so much about the power of humiliation, the power of sharing our mortifying moments with the goal of connecting us further and making life funnier and more universal.
Amanda Doyle:
And it’s so funny. And clearly we could use some LOLs at the moment. But also, it made me think of the Brene Brown episode, where she was talking about how… She talks about all of the horrible things she thinks to her kids. Because, she thinks that normalization is the antidote to shame. And it’s so interesting because our mortifying stories often make us feel ashamed but sharing our mortifying stories normalizes that and is the cure to shame.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. Exactly. So, that’s what we’re going to do, that’s our experiment. We asked a long time ago for the pod squad to send us their most embarrassing mortifying stories. What you need to know pod squad, is that Abby and sister and Allison and Dynna, and I have been listening to these stories. Yesterday, we weren’t recording, all we were doing was listening to your stories one at a time. Peeing.
Amanda Doyle:
The best. Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
I haven’t laughed… You know the kind of laugh that just makes you feel like you’re a kid again?
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
And just like you actually are not-
Amanda Doyle:
Who needs a juice cleanse when you can just laugh like that?
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly. It’s a cleanse, it’s a cleanse. I do think that laughing hard can be just as much of a cleanse as crying hard. Is kind of What I figured out yesterday. So we’re hoping, our experiment, is we’re going to tell some of our mortifying stories, we’re going to hear from the pod squads’ mortifying stories. And we want to see if at the end of this hour, you feel a little bit more connected, a little bit more joyful and a little bit less sucky. Okay? Just a little less sucky is what we’re going for.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s a low bar people.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Okay. So who wants to start? Who wants to share their embarrassing stories first? Sister, why don’t you go?
Amanda Doyle:
I like how I was voluntold.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
Okay. So I have one that just happened a couple months ago because it’s hard to narrow down my embarrassing stories. So I’m just going to go sequentially. The most recent one was, I was on a call with our accountant, and what we need to know about her for purposes of this is that she and her little doggy are thick as thieves. He has airline statuses, definitely cared for better than my children. So we’re on this Zoom meeting, it was when I was in the process of adopting our dog Shamus from this rescue group that rescued golden retrievers. And so we were in the process of applying to rescue him.
Amanda Doyle:
But he wasn’t actually Shamus, he had a different name. And she’s so excited because she loves the dogs. And so she says, “What’s his name?” And I, for no ascertainable reason, proceed to go into a diatribe in which I said, I promise you the things I said were, “Don’t judge us. This is not going to be his name. We would never choose this name. It’s the most pretentious name I have ever heard. I’m mortified by it. It’s dripping with whaspiness. I am allergic to this name. So don’t judge me when I tell you. Okay?” She says, “Well, what’s the name?” I say, “Jeeves.” At which point she pulls the dog into the Zoom screen and says, “This is Jeeves.” So, that sucked. And so then I’m doing the thing where I am trying to dig myself out of the hole instead of just not digging anymore.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
If you can possibly believe it, I make it worse for all of us, including the Jeeves’. And that is the story of why we’re getting audited this year.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God. Sis.
Amanda Doyle:
Because that’s what John said when I told the story. He’s like, “Why would you say any of that? Oh my God, she’s your accountant.” That’s the worst person you could have completely offended. Also, his name was not Jeeves because you can’t fool me 350 times and I am not saying it out loud again. Because then all you all with the original name are going to call in and tell me-
Glennon Doyle:
I Think you should. I think you should tell us the original name because it’ll balance each other out because I love the original name.
Abby Wambach:
Same. I wanted a name our dog that.
Glennon Doyle:
If we rescue a dog, I might name it this. And tell us what it was named.
Amanda Doyle:
This is a bad idea.
Glennon Doyle:
It was Bentley.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh, I was outed. You’re not allowed to out people. This isn’t the nineties.
Glennon Doyle:
The dog’s name was Bentley. And I think that’s the cutest freaking name. And I know it’s a fancy car, that was just why you hated it, because it was a fancy car, right?
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
It sounded like a frat boy who was like, I don’t know-
Glennon Doyle:
I think it’s cute.
Amanda Doyle:
“This is Bentley”
Abby Wambach:
I want to be a Bentley. I want a Bentley car.
Amanda Doyle:
Bentley summers-
Glennon Doyle:
Not even a dog.
Amanda Doyle:
Bentley summers in Maine. That’s who this is.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. So I’ll tell you, I’m going to tell you two quickly of mine.
Abby Wambach:
Okay.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. So I taught third grade for a long time. It was the joy of my life. Okay? I still think I’m a teacher just on a very strange hiatus where I talk into a microphone. I’m waiting to get back to the classroom at some point. But I taught at a school where barely any of my kids, my students had English as their first language. So, that’s an important part of the story. A lot of them were very recent immigrants. We did a lot of communicating by body language, by a lot of things in the beginning. Okay. I had this one kid. I’m going to call him Oscar. Okay?
Amanda Doyle:
Call him Jeeves.
Glennon Doyle:
Call him Jeeves. So I’m going to call him Jeeves. Okay. So his name is Oscar. We’re definitely not supposed to have favorites, but one of my all-time favorite kids. He had barely any English. So Valentine’s day, he comes in, he walks up to my desk and he says, “Miss D? Present.” And he’s wrapped it with the construction paper from our classroom. It’s all smushed up. And so what you need to know real quick about Oscar is that he had an older brother who I loved so much and was only a few years younger than me. And he was gang involved, had some stuff going on, but you would take such good care of Oscar and bring him to school.
Glennon Doyle:
Oscar was always stealing shit from his brother. So I opened this construction paper present and it’s this very thick, gold chain, a rope gold chain, heavy, heavy, heavy gold chain. And it has this huge medallion on it. And the medallion says, “Number one sex machine.” Number one sex machine. Okay. Now, I’m looking at this gold chain, Oscar is looking up at me with the most sweetest, I mean, just precious, like, “She’s going to love this. She probably loves gold. The more gold, the better.” He doesn’t know what the hell this thing says, right? It’s from his brother’s-
Amanda Doyle:
“She loves letters.”
Glennon Doyle:
She loves-
Amanda Doyle:
“Look at all these letters.”
Glennon Doyle:
“She likes numbers, she likes letters.” Right. So then, Oscar says, “Are you going to wear it? You’re going to wear it, right, Miss D?
Amanda Doyle:
You bet your number one sex machine ass I’m going to wear it.
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly. Nobody looks at Oscar’s eyes and says, “No, I’m not wearing it.” So I did walk from my classroom down to PE and then to the cafeteria, with my teacher dress on, my little ducklings. behind me, Oscar proud as shit with a gold chain that says, “Number one sex machine.” Through an elementary school. Okay? And the teachers who are my friends in the hallway were looking at me like huge eye. And I was just dagger, eyeing them. Like, “I dare you. You just look away, just look away.”
Amanda Doyle:
They knew it was true.
Glennon Doyle:
But in the irony of “Number one sex machine” being my gift, one of-
Amanda Doyle:
That’s what we should have called the Silent Sex Queen episode.
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly.
Amanda Doyle:
Number One Sex Machine. Oh my God. I just thought of another one.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay, what?
Amanda Doyle:
So when I was working at the law firm, there was this huge case that came up and there were boxes and boxes of documents that we had to review for the court case. And it was too sensitive to even send by a courier. So they sent me over to the client’s office to pick up these many, many boxes of documents. It was a really big deal. I was like, “Oh, I’m being trusted with this very confidential, important thing.” It was only like a mile away from my office. So I get in my car, I drive over to the client’s office, walk in, meet the general counsel, he’s very nervous about all of these things that are happening. I’m like, “Don’t worry, you’re in great hands. We’re going to take care of you.”
Amanda Doyle:
I have this huge dolly, one of those, not hand dollies, but the big life flat has two sides, dollies. And I have to take all these very sensitive documents and stack them on the big dolly. There’s 15 bankers boxes worth of documents. I have to take the elevator back down to the parking lot. I’m like, “Rest assured you’re in the best hands possible. You can trust us.” Okay. And I get to the parking lot and I’m like, “I can’t find my car. That’s odd.” So I’m like, “I’ll go look for my car.” But I can’t leave the dolly anymore.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Amanda Doyle:
Because, it’s very important. So I’m rolling this giant Dolly through the parking lot. And I can’t find my fucking car. It’s not there, and I have to go all through the five levels of the parking lot to look for my car with this giant ass dolly. I am seeing people over and over again as I go up with dolly, down with the dolly, up with the dolly. I did this, I am not joking you, for two hours.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God.
Amanda Doyle:
Two hours with the dolly. I was just about to cry.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
Because I’m like, “I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave.”
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Amanda Doyle:
“But I can’t stay.” And I can’t very well go back upstairs to the general counsel of this client that I’ve just told he’s in very good hands and say, “I can’t find my car, but don’t worry. I have an acute legal mind.” So after a while I was just like, “I’m screwed. There’s nothing I can do.” I can’t call my law firm and say, “Thanks for trusting me with this case. Can you come help me find my car?”
Abby Wambach:
Dude, where’s my car?
Amanda Doyle:
So I just keep doing it. I just keep going up and down and up and down and up and down.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh Sissy.
Amanda Doyle:
Three hours later, I’m not joking, the elevator comes down to the garage. Who steps off the elevator? The general counsel of the company stepped off the elevator-
Glennon Doyle:
No. Because he’s going home for the day.
Amanda Doyle:
He’s going home for the day. I am standing with the dolly that he has left me with three hours prior with no explanation as to how and why this would possibly be the case.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh no, sister.
Amanda Doyle:
And I just had to make some shit up. Like, “Yeah, I just got to do some legal things here with these documents for a minute.
Abby Wambach:
What happened?
Glennon Doyle:
Where was your fricking car?
Amanda Doyle:
I had to wait everyone left. I had to wait till everyone left.
Abby Wambach:
For what?
Glennon Doyle:
Because, then her car stands out.
Amanda Doyle:
So I can find my car. Since it’s the only car left. There’s no explanation for it, it doesn’t make any sense, but I swear to God that thing happened. It was horrible. I’m sweating.
Glennon Doyle:
Do you remember when I called Craig, when I was married to Craig and I called him at work from the mall, and told him we had to call the police because my car had been stolen? And he did call the police. And I was standing in the very place, the very small part of the parking lot where my car should have been, except that I had just driven the other car. That was amazing.
Abby Wambach:
You all are the smartest dumb people I’ve ever met.
Glennon Doyle:
I know.
Amanda Doyle:
Yes. That is an accurate assessment.
Glennon Doyle:
I know we can do hard things, but we cannot do easy things.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh, and one time I went to the hospital to the urgent care because, Bobby had this situation that was urgent care worthy.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Amanda Doyle:
And I go into the line and they’re trying to check me in. And they’re like, “Your kid’s name, your kid’s birthday?” All the things to look him up. I give them all the information. They’re like, “He’s not in our system.” I’m like, “Yes, he is in your system. He was born here, two years ago. Check your system. This child was born in this hospital.” And they’re taking so long and they’re saying, “He’s not in here.” And now I’m getting pissed right, because this is the urgent part of urgent care.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. Exactly.
Amanda Doyle:
We need to get in there.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s not just care. Its urgent care, not deferred care.
Amanda Doyle:
Right. I’m looking for care at your general convenience. I’m looking for urgent care. Right? So there’s this whole line behind me. I’m getting very upset, like “Get your shit in a pile people.”
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Amanda Doyle:
The people behind me are like, “Yeah, this is… I mean, why isn’t he in this system if he’s born here?” And I’m like, “Yeah.” So I’m getting a little vocal, and they keep looking, they keep looking. Anyway, they finally find him. And I’m like, “Well, thank you.” At which point they announced to me and the whole line, because obviously they’re very annoyed too. That that is not in fact my son’s birthday.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, that’s hard.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my God.
Amanda Doyle:
And that is why they couldn’t find him. Because I didn’t know his birthday.
Abby Wambach:
Wrong info.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s so embarrassing.
Amanda Doyle:
It is embarrassing.
Glennon Doyle:
I have a doctor story. So one time when Chase was a baby, when he was teeny tiny. He started to get this wild rash on his face. And every once in a while actually be on his hands too. And it was orange, this orange rash. And it would go away and come back, go away and come back. And I was very concerned about it. And so I finally could not figure out what it was, so I took him to the doctor. So I’m in the doctor’s office and I’m standing there with the baby. I’m showing him, he’s examining the orange face. I’m like, “What could this be?”
Glennon Doyle:
Doctor’s kind of looking at me strange, whatever. The doctor leaves, the doctor comes back and he looks very kind of embarrassed, you know? And I’m like, “Oh God, what’s happening?” And he looks at Chase’s face and then he looks at me and he says, “I just, I want to ask you a question. Do you… It looks like from your appearance, that it’s possible that you might go to a tanning salon. Do you by any chance spray tan? Do you use that spray tan?” And I’m just like… And I’m not computing. I’m like, “Why in the fuck is this guy judging me for tanning?
Amanda Doyle:
It’s none of your business Doc, can we focus on the kid?
Glennon Doyle:
Look, I have a young baby, I’m doing whatever it takes. All right? Whatever it takes to survive is what I’m doing. And the spray tanning is the least of my problems, if you must know the truth. So he goes, “Because the spray, it comes off, the orange on your skin.” I was breastfeeding Chase. I was dying my child’s face from my boob with spray tan.
Abby Wambach:
I know what he was doing when he left the room.
Amanda Doyle:
He was laughing.
Abby Wambach:
He had to go talk to the other nurses and be like, “She’s infected her child with spray tan orange.”
Glennon Doyle:
He’s like, “You know that orange chick that just walked in, you’re not going to believe this shit.”
Amanda Doyle:
She’s like, you know, see that fluorescent orange that’s around your kids’ mouth. Have you noticed that it’s the same hue of fluorescent orange that you are
Glennon Doyle:
Right? So I left and I’m like, “So Craig, here’s the deal, our kid’s just going to be orange for a while.” Right. Because, I’m not ready to stop. Right. “But we don’t have to worry about it.”
Abby Wambach:
Well, this is a good segue because this is kind like we’re now easing into body functions, body parts of mortified stories. And we’re going to hear, I think a few of them in voicemails from pod squaders. But mine happened when I was about 14 years old. I got off the bus-
Glennon Doyle:
Oh God, she’s going to do it.
Abby Wambach:
And I didn’t like to go number two at school, like many of us don’t. We got to be in the comfort of our own home, we got our one specific toilet in the house that we like to go to. And at 14 years old, I was just assuming it was going to be like any old day. But this day, for some reason, my bowels got moving faster than normal. And so as I was walking home from the bus stop, I lived on a cul-de-sac and it was maybe a couple of hundred yards walk to my house. I thought, “Well, I really got to go.” And I can’t run because I got to go so bad. So-
Amanda Doyle:
Yes. That’s the catch 22 of the number two.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. I can’t run because you got to go so bad.
Glennon Doyle:
Catch 22 of the number two.
Abby Wambach:
And so what ends up happening, long story short is, I shit my pants, I full on shit in my undies. And it wasn’t like die or die shit, it was big poop.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh. Oh my God. We’re getting so specific.
Abby Wambach:
And so I go back-
Glennon Doyle:
That’s better.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. I go back. I waddle into the house and try to get upstairs as fast as possible. And I go into my bathroom and I get the poo in the toilet. I flush it. But that doesn’t clean up the whole problem.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Abby Wambach:
And I didn’t feel like… I was just going to throw it away. And so the mortifying part of the story-
Glennon Doyle:
That wasn’t it?
Abby Wambach:
It’s not even shitting my pants, I don’t care about that. It’s that I threw my poopied undies into the wicker trash basket
Glennon Doyle:
In your bedroom.
Abby Wambach:
In my bedroom.
Glennon Doyle:
Not even the bathroom.
Abby Wambach:
And so my cousin who was living with us at the time who was living in my bedroom, we had two little beds in there. She calls me out on it when she gets home because my room smells like actual poo, because it’s a wicker basket. There’s not even a plastic liner in it.
Amanda Doyle:
You just put it in an open air situation. You’re like, “That should do it.”
Abby Wambach:
Oh God. And she goes, Abby, “I have a question for you.” And I think to this day, we still have never talked about it. “Abby, I have a question for you. Did you poop in your underwear and then you throw them out in the wicker basket?” And I was like, “No.”
Glennon Doyle:
To your grave.
Abby Wambach:
I was like, “No-
Glennon Doyle:
Take it to the grave.
Abby Wambach:
“I don’t know where these…” She’s like, “But they’re your underwear. I know what your underwear looks like.” Like, “I don’t know what to tell you.”
Amanda Doyle:
“I don’t know what to tell you.” This is a case for the FBI.
Glennon Doyle:
Abby’s finally admitting it was her underwear.
Amanda Doyle:
It was. That’s so good.
Abby Wambach:
I pooped in my pants, I couldn’t make it back.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. And-
Amanda Doyle:
It’s happened all the time.
Abby Wambach:
I know. And you know, when you get closer, the urge gets worse?
Glennon Doyle:
I don’t think it happens all the time. Because-
Amanda Doyle:
It does let. Let ye who has not pooped your pants, throw the first stone.
Glennon Doyle:
Do you remember sister, when you… I’m having so many mortifying flashes right now, it’s just all coming back to me. It’s all coming back to me now. Do you remember when you were driving home from high school?
Amanda Doyle:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
And in the Cressida, in the Cressida that we used to start with a screwdriver?
Amanda Doyle:
That none of my friend’s parents would let them drive in because they had sense.
Glennon Doyle:
Because it was a death trap.
Amanda Doyle:
And it was a death trap. Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes, it was. But remember when you just got stuck in traffic and you just pissed?
Amanda Doyle:
No, I wasn’t stuck in traffic.
Glennon Doyle:
You just sat in the front seat and just peed? Peed full on.
Amanda Doyle:
I just did the whole thing.
Glennon Doyle:
Full on pee.
Amanda Doyle:
Gush.
Glennon Doyle:
What?
Amanda Doyle:
Gush Pee.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Why?
Amanda Doyle:
Well, I was, was driving home and I did the calculus. I was driving home from school, and there was just zero chance that I was going to make it home in time.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Amanda Doyle:
And so I just peed.
Abby Wambach:
But quick Q?
Amanda Doyle:
I just full on-
Abby Wambach:
Quick Q?
Glennon Doyle:
Full peed?
Amanda Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
Did you think you could just pull off the road real quick?
Amanda Doyle:
No, here’s the problem. Here’s the problem. So the high school got out, right?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
And it was one route out of the high school.
Glennon Doyle:
Right?
Amanda Doyle:
Everyone’s leaving on the same road, there’s no way around the situation. It was high schoolers in front of me, high schoolers behind me. There’s not an inconspicuous place to stop. I thought about it. I’m like, “I could pull over in traces.” Front-
Abby Wambach:
No gas station or anything?
Amanda Doyle:
No, no.
Abby Wambach:
Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
No. And getting to a gas station was beyond the pale. I only lived half a mile from the high school, I couldn’t even wait half a mile.
Glennon Doyle:
She full on fucking peed her pants in her car.
Amanda Doyle:
I full on… The amount of pee that goes in the toilet is what went in the Cressida. Not just a dribble.
Abby Wambach:
Because you can’t stop.
Amanda Doyle:
And then the weirdest part is that you’re looking… So it’s like a mullet, where it’s like business in the front part and the back. It was like, half of my body look normal, I’m waving to people, like, Hi. Have a good night, see you tomorrow.” But the other half of me is just gushed, pissing all over my car.
Glennon Doyle:
What?
Amanda Doyle:
I’m like, “How weird that none of these people know I’m pissing myself right now.
Abby Wambach:
What did your parents say? Did you tell Bubba and Tisha?
Glennon Doyle:
I remember her telling me we probably didn’t even think of that.
Amanda Doyle:
No. Sure, I didn’t.
Glennon Doyle:
No.
Amanda Doyle:
And also, it’s not, not like the Cressida could be damaged.
Glennon Doyle:
No.
Amanda Doyle:
I probably just let it air out and got back in the next day.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. That was the cleanest part.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my Gosh.
Glennon Doyle:
All right. I’m going to tell my pee story and maybe even my poo story.
Abby Wambach:
You have a poo story?
Amanda Doyle:
You have a poo story?
Glennon Doyle:
I do.
Abby Wambach:
Can you start with that?
Glennon Doyle:
No. Okay. So they all have to do with my one long term ex-boyfriend. We’re going to call him Joe. Okay. The first time I hooked up-
Amanda Doyle:
Just call him Jeeves.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. The first time I hooked up with Jeeves, I was very drunk. Also, all of the other times, for seven years.
Amanda Doyle:
Every time, including the first.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Super drunk. Okay. And so it was in college, I slept over at his house for the first time. And so I woke up at 11:00 or something. And Jeeves was not in bed anymore. And the reason that Jeeves was not in bed is because I had pissed, it was like I was on a water bed, like I was in middle of a pond.
Amanda Doyle:
It was like you were in the Cressida.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. It was like I was in the Cressida. Okay. I had peed everywhere. And then I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do and I was still kind of drunk. And so I real quick just gathered up all of the sheets and the blankets from the bed and I just stole all of them. I just walked from his house all the way to my dorm. So it was like the middle of the day, and I was walking through with my heels and my black leather pants and a shit ton of sheets.
Abby Wambach:
Yellow stain sheets.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Abby Wambach:
Because you know, after a night of drinking that not hydrated. So it’s neon yellow.
Glennon Doyle:
There had just never been a walk of shame that was more shameful.
Amanda Doyle:
I’m just picturing you in your tube top, where everyone’s going out for brunch and you’re carrying comforter.
Glennon Doyle:
They were going to class. Yes. Just a comforter and sheets.
Amanda Doyle:
A comforter and sheets.
Glennon Doyle:
And then his whole fraternity called me puddles for an entire year.
Abby Wambach:
Rightfully so.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Rightfully so.
Abby Wambach:
If you piss in the bed, I’d call you puddles.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Okay. And then I’m going to tell the poo story just because it feels like shit.
Abby Wambach:
Just for a little background though. I don’t and never have farted in front of Glennon before.
Amanda Doyle:
No.
Abby Wambach:
Yes, it’s true.
Amanda Doyle:
No.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s true.
Abby Wambach:
Because she wants to keep some things a mystery and that’s one of them.
Amanda Doyle:
The mystery that maybe you’re a person who doesn’t fart?
Glennon Doyle:
Look, it’s-
Amanda Doyle:
You mean the lie? She wants to keep the lie?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
Okay.
Abby Wambach:
He wants to stay attracted to me because she sees as a farter, I think that she deems us less attractive. So we don’t talk about poop stories or fart stories.
Amanda Doyle:
We don’t talk about farting. No, no.
Glennon Doyle:
You guys, I have issues with body stuff, bodily things.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh do you? That’s so odd.
Abby Wambach:
I know, but isn’t this…
Glennon Doyle:
It’s good.
Abby Wambach:
Sister, what do you have to say about women who have issues with body stuff?
Amanda Doyle:
Oh Abby, I’m so glad you asked. Okay. Let’s do our little five minutes of feminism
Abby Wambach:
And then we’re going to get to Glennon shit.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s Woohoo.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s woohoo. Let’s go you feminist kill joy.
Amanda Doyle:
Okay. So here’s the deal? Mortification; original term is the Latin word meaning, to put to death.
Glennon Doyle:
Wow.
Amanda Doyle:
This is literally…
Glennon Doyle:
Mortal. Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
Yes. Mortal. Exactly.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
Still in medical terms, mortification refers to the death of one part of your body while another part is still alive. So it’s necrosis right? Where maybe your hand, but maybe…Okay.
Glennon Doyle:
Necrosis. She says it like that’s an everyday word that we’ll all know.
Amanda Doyle:
And this is the reason why, when you have a mortifying situation, you feel like part of you has died.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes,
Amanda Doyle:
I am dead because this happened, I am now dead. And I actually regret the fact that the rest of me is still alive because I have to keep living in this untenable situation that I’ve created.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s exactly right.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Continue.
Amanda Doyle:
But in Christianity, mortification, it’s a whole Christian tenant. That is the mortification of sins and the flesh. Stay with me, I’m getting there.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
So it’s this concept of self denial. You put to death, the deeds of the body in you to repent for your sins. So that self denial, the discipline, it’s the fasting, it’s the abstinence from sex, it’s even in its most extreme form, the self-flagellation, whipping yourself. This is all-
Glennon Doyle:
Oh yeah. Or wearing hair shirts. They used to wear hair shirts to punish themselves.
Amanda Doyle:
Right. Exactly.
Abby Wambach:
Hair?
Amanda Doyle:
This is all mortification of the flesh. Okay. And that sounds absolutely insane.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Amanda Doyle:
But how is that different from what we do, especially as women, I’m looking at you Glennon, when there are natural deeds of the body, like the farting and the pooping and the peeing, all a hundred percent natural of the flesh. For some reason we deny, self denial, that they’re part of life. And when they show up, we proceed to self flagelate for being so evil as to let our bodies do what they do.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God. That’s why everyone’s most embarrassing stories are about pooping or periods or farting or peeing. And they’re all just totally natural things.
Abby Wambach:
So farting and pooping and the discussion of that is an actual act of feminism. This is what you’re saying, sister?
Amanda Doyle:
I am saying that the body does what the body does. And if you have shame around the body or self denial, like for example that your partner farts, then it’s possible that you are trying to put to death what the body does, which, how is that any different from the self denial?
Glennon Doyle:
I feel like people are going to be so mad at me about this one. I think they’ve forgiven me a lot things-
Amanda Doyle:
Do you think they’re wrong?
Glennon Doyle:
…but I think they’re going to be really mad at me for not letting you fart. And I just want to say to the pod squad, I don’t need you to be on Abby’s side about it. I know. I know, I know and I’m working on being less mortified about having a body. That’s what my whole eating shit is. And it’s not about a shape of a body, it’s about having a body. I’m mortified at these things we live inside of. I would have designed them better.
Abby Wambach:
Okay. Go on with your poop story.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s not about them being better, it’s about you being okay with them.
Glennon Doyle:
I know. All right. But I’m just saying why with all the farting and the pooping. Okay.
Abby Wambach:
Why not? I’m saying, why not?
Glennon Doyle:
So I’m away-
Abby Wambach:
Why not?
Glennon Doyle:
I’m away with Jeeves, years later.
Abby Wambach:
Damn it. I was hoping so bad that this is a story that I was involved in.
Glennon Doyle:
No. And I’ve never told you this story. So just-
Amanda Doyle:
She hasn’t pooped since she met you, Abby.
Glennon Doyle:
But I want you to know that I don’t want to talk about this story after the podcast. I don’t want you to bring it up again, I don’t want it to be part of our familial cannon.
Abby Wambach:
Okay.
Glennon Doyle:
I want to tell it one time and then I want it to be done.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s the cone of pod poop boundaries.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. What happens here, stays here.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s just the three of us and several million people.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. That’s it. That’s where I most comfortable, grow up. Okay. So I’m on vacation with Jeeves’ family. Jeeves’ family is very fancy. I am in a hotel room, we have all different hotel rooms, Jeeves and I have our own hotel room. I have never admitted to pooping to Jeeves. This is not something that he knows that I do. Okay? Also, to know, Jeeves is very gross. Jeeves had no problem pooping. Anyway, I had to poop. Okay? So-
Abby Wambach:
Which is hard for you on trips.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Super hard. So I go into the bathroom and I poop. And I come out and I sit down on the couch. And then Jeeves, it’s a very small hotel room. Jeeves’ whole family comes in because we’re all going up to dinner together. So there’s seven people in this room. Jeeves’ mom, Jeeves’ is dad, all his little brothers and sisters. He’s got this teenage brother. His teenage brother walks into the bathroom. We’re all dressed up, ready to go. His little brother busts open the bathroom and goes, “Oh my God, who took this humongous shit?”
Abby Wambach:
You left a floater?
Glennon Doyle:
I fucking forgot to-
Abby Wambach:
Flush.
Glennon Doyle:
…flush the God damned toilet. And Jeeves looks at me and Jeeves is not the type to take one for the team. Okay? That is not Jeeves. Jeeves looks at me with the most joy I’ve ever seen on his face before or after.
Abby Wambach:
Because, he wants to go look at it.
Glennon Doyle:
No, because he’s so excited that this has happened to me.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
Right?
Amanda Doyle:
He delights in your mortification.
Glennon Doyle:
And he just goes, “It was her. She shit. She shit.” And then all the family just stared at me. And I’m sweat… I had no idea-
Amanda Doyle:
I’m sweating too.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m sweating so much. I had no idea how to… I didn’t say any words. I just stared at everyone.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
There was no ending to this moment.
Abby Wambach:
No.
Glennon Doyle:
And truly 80% of me died and the 20% shell of me had to leave that room and go to dinner with those people.
Abby Wambach:
Maybe this is what the real issue stems from. This is the trauma, the poop trauma.
Glennon Doyle:
“Who took that huge…?”
Amanda Doyle:
“She did it.”
Glennon Doyle:
“She did it.”
Abby Wambach:
So did you flush the toilet? How did the poop go down? What happened?
Glennon Doyle:
I don’t know, baby. I don’t know. I just, I went-
Amanda Doyle:
You blacked out after that.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. I just, I mean…
Abby Wambach:
Good job on taking a big shit.
Glennon Doyle:
Thanks.
Amanda Doyle:
Go big or go home.
Abby Wambach:
Wow.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. I’m excited that-
Abby Wambach:
Good job.
Glennon Doyle:
I made it through that story and that time of my life. Do you guys want to hear some voicemails?
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Let’s do some voicemails.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Let’s do it.
Andrea:
Hello. I’m calling to share a mortifying embarrassing story. When I was 19, I had an internship at The Met Opera Guild in Manhattan. And I went out with a coworker. I never really drank before and got really, really drunk. And she put me on a subway train to send me home at about 03:00 AM. And I was the only one on the train and I was sitting there just concentrating, so I didn’t miss my stop. There was one of those ad posters in the train right across from me and I was reading it and it was a picture of a woman and this woman was looking forward out the window. And the text said, “Someone on this train has lupus.” And I read it and I looked around and I was the only one on the train. And I decided that it was me. I was the only one here. So it must be me that have lupus. And I was so concerned that I called my roommate for the time and his mom-
Abby Wambach:
No.
Andrea:
…and some folks that I worked with and left messages on office phones, letting everyone know that I had lupus. Which I obviously, did not. But. Good times.
Abby Wambach:
“Someone on this train has lupus.”
Glennon Doyle:
“…on this train has lupus.”
Amanda Doyle:
And she looks around…
Glennon Doyle:
She looks around and she’s the only one there.
Amanda Doyle:
“Oh my God, it’s me.”
Glennon Doyle:
She called her friends.
Amanda Doyle:
And she said her coworkers. She called her coworkers at 02:00 AM and left them voicemails that the train just diagnosed her with lupus.
Glennon Doyle:
The train diagnosed her. Oh my God. I love her so much.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh God. It’s so good.
Glennon Doyle:
And I love, “I was just concentrating, so I didn’t miss my stop.” I relate to that part too.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh God. Yes. No one concentrates as much as a person who can’t concentrate because they’re messed up.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God. Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh God. Okay. That was amazing. All right. Next one.
Glennon Doyle:
All right. Let’s hear from Mikayla.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, that was good.
Mikayla:
My name is Mikayla. I was dating a man who is in the army. He brought me to an army ball and there is a segment of this ball where everyone stands up and raises a glass and the commissioner of the ball, they stand up there and they say a bunch of toasts. And you have dedicated responses in your program to these toasts. So for example, the commissioner might say, “I propose a toast to the USA.” And everyone says, “To the USA.” And then there might be one that says, “I propose a toast to field artillery.” And everyone says, “The king of battle.” So there’s all these responses and they’re written in your program.
Mikayla:
So I’m standing, I’m holding my glass. I running through these responses, that in a thousand, feeling so confident, loving this, feeling like a part of something so cool, supporting our armed forces, I’m loving it. We get to the last toast. And the commissioner says, “A toast to our fallen comrades. And I scream out, “Moment of silence.” Because I was reading the responses in the program. And probably 1500 people in this ballroom looked at me with such disgust and disdain. Because not only had I just disrespected all of their fallen comrades, I was truly just an idiot, reading out the words, “Moment of silence.” So proudly, so proud of myself for going through these toasts so well. So, that moment haunts me to this day. I hope that made you laugh. And I love you so much.
Amanda Doyle:
“Moment of silence.”
Glennon Doyle:
We love you more Mikayla.
Amanda Doyle:
“Moment of silence.”
Abby Wambach:
That’s something I would’ve done.
Glennon Doyle:
I agree with that.
Abby Wambach:
I would’ve done that.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. I agree with that.
Abby Wambach:
I would love the order of it all, reading, I’ve got a goal, I’ve got a job.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Abby Wambach:
There’s one more response. And I would’ve also said, “Begins now.” “Moment of silence.” “Begins now.”
Amanda Doyle:
That’s good. That would-
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, that’s really good.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s not good. It would not have covered.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Because, I mean you can pretend that that was your job to announce the moment of silence.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Or at least acknowledge how silly you look.
Amanda Doyle:
The random lady who’s dressed up at table 38, that’s her job? I don’t think so.
Abby Wambach:
“Moment of silence.”
Amanda Doyle:
Can we just imagine that 1500 people turning and looking-
Glennon Doyle:
Oh.
Amanda Doyle:
At this woman who has just screamed at the top of her lungs, “Moment of silence.”
Glennon Doyle:
Oh God.
Abby Wambach:
I don’t know why, but I would’ve paid a lot of money to see that.
Glennon Doyle:
Me too. To see that in real life, I would have too.
Abby Wambach:
Yes. I would’ve paid a lot of money to see something like that.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Abby Wambach:
I love seeing other people in their mortified moments for some reason. Is there some science behind that?
Glennon Doyle:
Well, I think it’s gratitude. I love when people add moments like that.
Amanda Doyle:
Relief.
Glennon Doyle:
Rigid things when humanity and humor and absurdity get inserted accidentally into rigid situations. It’s lifesaving.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Like when people fall.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Or that.
Abby Wambach:
When people fall down in the airport, I just cannot love it more. Obviously, no injuries.
Amanda Doyle:
Right. That was the whole basis of that, remember America’s funniest home video?
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
That we used to watch every night and it was just random people getting kicked in the balls.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
The entire show. And it was like-
Glennon Doyle:
That’s totally right.
Amanda Doyle:
…that was the whole basis of the show.
Glennon Doyle:
Do you remember? Okay. I’m just remembering. Do you remember when I walked around for months in that padded bra, that said it was like a sports bra that was padded, but it had a sticker on it that said, “Padded bra?” And I just walked around it forever?
Amanda Doyle:
I do.
Glennon Doyle:
And then I was just remembering, remember when I moved to that new neighborhood in Virginia and they were having a potluck and we got a little inter… Well, not an interview, it’s an invitation.
Abby Wambach:
An invitation.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. I don’t get a lot of invitations.
Amanda Doyle:
You have more interviews than you have invitations.
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly. So it was an invitation and it said, “Bring a dish.” And so I had never been to a fucking potluck before. And so I brought a dish. Okay. A dish, an empty dish.
Abby Wambach:
What did the host say?
Glennon Doyle:
Well, I remember vividly the host’s face because I was like, “What’s wrong with this person?” What’s-
Amanda Doyle:
“She doesn’t like my dish.”
Glennon Doyle:
“She doesn’t like my dish.” Maybe I was supposed to bring a certain kind of dish. I don’t know.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh God.
Glennon Doyle:
But that was a moment in like, just say what you mean people. If you want a dish with food on it, say it. If you want a dish, it feels like one plain thing.
Abby Wambach:
But I just have a question. Let’s just get to the root of what did you think was going to happen with your dish?
Glennon Doyle:
Well, I thought somebody else was going to put food on it.
Abby Wambach:
So you were just bringing like plates?
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. A serving tray, a serving a dish. I thought maybe my job was to bring the dish. And someone else was going to bring the food. I did my part. That’s why I don’t get a lot of invitations.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh God. It’s so good.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Let’s hear from our next pod squader.
Allison:
Hey, you all. Love the podcast. Love, love, love it. My name is Allison. Seriously, the most fucking embarrassing moment of my life just happened on Friday.
Glennon Doyle:
I already like her.
Allison:
I was at lunch with a friend from high school and we had just finished eating and I leaned forward kind of just to lean into the conversation. And I thought I farted, but no, I shat in my pants. Sitting right there, my 55 year old self, not just like regular poop.
Abby Wambach:
Oh no.
Allison:
But diarrhea.
Abby Wambach:
Die die.
Allison:
Yeah.
Abby Wambach:
Shit.
Allison:
And I’m sitting there and I’m like, “What the fuck am I going to do? What the fuck? So I just leaned in, I said to my friend, “I just pooped in my pants.” I’m like, “I just pooped in my pants and I don’t know if I can get up.” So I got up and like, sulked to the bathroom quickly. And of course, there was a line and I got in there. And sure enough, there it was. I threw my underwear away in the trash can. And you could see proof on the back of my pants, my pants were wet. So I’m like, “What the fuck?” So I’m like pulling my shirt down. I go back to the table. I’m like, “Girl, I got to go.” I just left. She paid for my lunch. I just freaking left. I have a long purse, covered my ass and just got out of there. I’ve never done that in my life. I’ve almost pooped to my pants, but never like this. Have a great day. Bye.
Amanda Doyle:
Never like this.
Abby Wambach:
I hope the trashcan was not wicker.
Glennon Doyle:
All right. Let’s hear from Anne.
Anne:
Hi, this is Anne from Minnesota and I’m calling to tell you one of my most mortifying moments. This is years ago and I went to the movies with my boyfriend and it was a really intense movie, but I was dying for popcorn. So I was sitting on the end of the row and I snuck out and got my popcorn and came back in and got in my seat and kind of cuddled up and was looking at the movie. And I started to feed him some popcorn and play footsy and just catch up on the plot. And then all of a sudden I noticed that my boyfriend was sitting three or four rows ahead of me.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my God.
Anne:
And I actually sat down by some random guy who was all of a sudden, more interested in me than the movie. So I was so mortified. I just dropped the popcorn at the movie theater. Didn’t work out with that guy. But boy, it’s a fun story years later.
Glennon Doyle:
That was so good. Okay. That reminds me the wrong dude, just reminded me of something that I’m going to admit right now. Okay. So during my drinking days, I was out at night with a bunch of friends and I decided to take a cab to my boyfriend’s house. So I had the cab, I told the cab driver my boyfriend’s address. I got delivered to the door, but when the door opened, I realized that I had gone to the wrong boyfriend’s house. This was my old boyfriend-
Abby Wambach:
Oh my God.
Glennon Doyle:
…from a year before. And I had forgotten that I wasn’t dating him anymore. I had forgotten, I had a whole new boyfriend. Okay? And then do you know the worst part? The most mortifying part?
Amanda Doyle:
You stayed there didn’t you.
Glennon Doyle:
I just fucking stayed there.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, What?
Glennon Doyle:
I just stayed there. I was like-
Abby Wambach:
You slept with the old one?
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my God.
Glennon Doyle:
I was like, well, I don’t want to make this awkward. I’m just going to act like I came here on purpose.
Abby Wambach:
I came here for a reason.
Glennon Doyle:
He looks happy to see me. Well, let’s just do this and I need a bed. I just needed a bed. So yeah. I slept with him that night.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my gosh.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. So like the popcorn story, but just like much sadder.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah. But, but the difference is you saw it was the wrong boyfriend.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
And you’re like, “Ah, fuck it. I’ll go in”.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
I was like, “Fuck it.” A guy is a guy.
Amanda Doyle:
Anne didn’t know when she was putting popcorn into the mouth of her boyfriend, that it was in fact a stranger.
Glennon Doyle:
I know. I got sober. Okay. It’s fine. All’s well that ends well. Jeeves was delighted. Okay. Let’s go with Andrea.
Amanda Doyle:
Andrea.
Andrea:
This is Andrea. I was in a public stall, my door wouldn’t lock. And so, I was doing the balancing act of trying to hold the door closed and go to the bathroom. But you know, you can’t hold it the whole time.
Glennon Doyle:
Right.
Andrea:
Before I knew it, another woman had come into my stall, not even seeing that I was there and pulled her pants down and sat on me.
Abby Wambach:
No.
Andrea:
It was mortifying. I don’t know who it was more embarrassing for, me or her. But, yeah.
Abby Wambach:
I mean, I can only imagine a little tinkle had to have come out.
Andrea:
I love you guys. Bye-bye.
Abby Wambach:
I can only imagine.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh my…
Glennon Doyle:
Oh my God. I mean-
Amanda Doyle:
That’s so-
Abby Wambach:
A stranger naked woman sitting on your lap?
Glennon Doyle:
How would you not notice that somebody… Maybe she was drunk.
Amanda Doyle:
You could totally do it. Sometimes you just back in there. You just-
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. That’s true. You back in a little bit.
Amanda Doyle:
You totally could but I-
Abby Wambach:
I would never walk into a stall without looking in them first.
Amanda Doyle:
No, that’s fair.
Abby Wambach:
That is the truth.
Amanda Doyle:
Maybe she was drunk.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. That’s true.
Glennon Doyle:
Maybe it was me. Maybe it was me sat on Andrea.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
I’m going to need Andrea, please. For the love of God. Can you call back in and give us the rest of that story? Because what I need to know is when said naked woman, who’s sitting on top of you realizes that she is not sitting on a toilet, but sitting on you?
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
What happens next?
Abby Wambach:
Yes. I need to know more.
Amanda Doyle:
How do you recover from that? Are you just like, “Oh, excuse me. Sorry.” And then she stands up and pulls up her pants and then leaves the restroom.
Glennon Doyle:
I think a lot of mortifying moments and in no language.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
Mortification is not something that can be explained. It needs to just die. You have to pretend that it never happened and carry on.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, you do have to pretend That’s right.
Glennon Doyle:
Right. You don’t explain it. That I remember pre COVID landing at an airport and getting into my Uber, putting my suitcase in the backseat, jumping into an Uber and saying, thank you so much for picking me up. And the woman saying, “I am not an Uber. I am waiting for my sister.”
Abby Wambach:
You got into a civilian’s car?
Glennon Doyle:
I got into a person’s car. Right? And then the best part is I was like, “Oh my God, I am so sorry. And started to get out of the car.” And she goes, “That’s okay, Glennon.”
Amanda Doyle:
Oh.
Abby Wambach:
No.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
She knew it was you?
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my God.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes, yes.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s so good.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Let’s hear from Em.
Em:
My name is Em and I work in a workplace where we have security guards and I’ve worked there for many, many years. So these security guards know me really well. And a few years ago I was leaving from work and going to the airport to visit a lover. And I had my suitcase with me. And in my suitcase, I had a strap on otherwise, sometimes referred to as a dildo.
Abby Wambach:
There it is.
Em:
And I put my suitcase through the metal detector and these guards that I know very well said, “Ma’am, can you tell us what this is?” And they pointed right to the strap on. And I held my shoulders back and in a very calm voice, I said, “Yes, that is a prosthetic penis.” And I took my suitcase and I walked very calmly to the elevator where I melted into a puddle of laughing and crying and embarrassment. So, that is my favorite strap on story. Thank you.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, my God.
Glennon Doyle:
Favorite strap on story. That means she has a lot of other strap on stories.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh my God. I love this straight in my back and said, “Yes, that is a prosthetic penis. “
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly. That’s so good.
Abby Wambach:
Okay. I got, I have a little story that I need to tell. So I was traveling.
Amanda Doyle:
You have a favorite strap on story?
Abby Wambach:
No, I don’t have a favorite strap on story, but this is a similar kind of story that I think might fall in the lines. I was traveling via plane, and so of course, you have to go through metal detectors and security. And I was just doing carryon. So I had a rolly carryon bag and this happened to be like kind of a small airport. So they actually went through the whole bag. Right? And I didn’t anticipate this. And I brought a vibrator with me on road, wherever it was I was going. I think I was actually in Birmingham, Alabama. So this sweet, older TSA agent, he starts going through my bag and finds my vibrator. So he pulls my vibrator out and he says, “What is this?” And I said, “It’s a vibrator.” And he said, “What does it do?” And I say, “It vibrates.” And so he turned it on and it starts vibrating. And his coworker walks over and catches this moment happening. And he is like, “Oh my God, I am so sorry. Oh my God. Turn that off. Put that back.” And I’m not the kind of person that gets embarrassed about stuff like this. Pro vibrations, wherever you guys can get them.
Amanda Doyle:
You have high vibrations, high infrequent.
Abby Wambach:
But I was mortified in some ways for this older gentleman.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah.
Abby Wambach:
For me to walk away and then him to get told what it was.
Glennon Doyle:
What it was.
Amanda Doyle:
On the upside. He now knows that vibrators exist and his life has gotten better since then.
Glennon Doyle:
Right?
Abby Wambach:
I bet security people see a lot.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
But can you imagine.
Abby Wambach:
Random, weird shit.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. A lot of mortifying moments in that line. Okay. So-
Amanda Doyle:
All right. We have some write ins.
Glennon Doyle:
Great.
Amanda Doyle:
We have to. Okay. All right. Top 10 of the write ins that you you all send in.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
“I once tried to flirt with a boy at work and accidentally concussed him.” “My mom caught me practicing kissing with an Abercrombie & Fitch shopping bag.”
Abby Wambach:
What?
Amanda Doyle:
“Talking on the phone while asking target employees to help me find my lost phone.”
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Amanda Doyle:
“I’m a 37 year old woman. And I shit in my car in a takeout container at a red light last week.”
Glennon Doyle:
Last week.
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
So Good.
Amanda Doyle:
Opened my Mac in front of my date. And it was a, “How to have lesbian sex.” YouTube video. “A male coworker came upon me while I was masturbating in a work vehicle.”
Abby Wambach:
Oopsie.
Glennon Doyle:
Oh, that’s a hard day.
Amanda Doyle:
“I pooped my pants during a job interview. I didn’t get the job.” “I saluted my boss’s bosses after they observed me. I am not in the military.” “Until college, I thought a brothel was a potluck. I learned when I offered host a brothel.” “I was having sex for the first time. And he pulled a piece of toilet paper out of my butt.”
Glennon Doyle:
Oh.
Abby Wambach:
Oh.
Glennon Doyle:
Love bugs.
Abby Wambach:
Ooh.
Glennon Doyle:
All right. I want to say this. I feel two things. I feel that for me, the experiment has worked. I feel closer to everybody. Every single woman who has shared their stories here. It just made-
Abby Wambach:
What about this woman?
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. To you also.
Abby Wambach:
What about, can we fart now?
Glennon Doyle:
I think we should talk about it another time. Okay? I just want to open the farting floodgates and then what if it never stops.
Amanda Doyle:
If not now, when? If not who, you.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. I do want to suggest one thing for our next right thing.
Abby Wambach:
Fart.
Glennon Doyle:
I feel strongly about Em’s response when the guards asked her what her strap on was. Her whole response, the squaring of her shoulders, the looking those men in the eye, the saying, “Yes. That is a prosthetic penis.” And so I think we were just talking about how there’s a silence after every mortifying moment. And I think it could be a forever kind of mocking jay-ish bat signal for the pod squad that whenever we get to the end of a mortifying moment, we just say in that moment, no matter what it’s about, “Why yes, that is a prosthetic penis.”
Amanda Doyle:
That’s good. So just start saying that.
Glennon Doyle:
If it’s a mortifying moment. Do you know what I mean? I think that’s how we get out of it. That’s the language we have now that we didn’t have before.
Amanda Doyle:
Well, thank God.
Glennon Doyle:
Yep. We’ve got it. I think-
Abby Wambach:
I just can’t wait to do it now.
Glennon Doyle:
I know. Right?
Abby Wambach:
I’m so excited.
Glennon Doyle:
Aren’t you almost hoping to be mortified so you can say it?
Abby Wambach:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, yeah. Because you are now part of the mortification club. Also. I seriously, and we haven’t talked about this, but I think we should keep collecting these stories over time.
Abby Wambach:
I agree.
Glennon Doyle:
When something mortify happens to you, please call it in. I think we should do one of these shows every six months.
Abby Wambach:
Agreed.
Glennon Doyle:
Because, it’s just good for the soul.
Abby Wambach:
Well, it’s fun for us too. We’ve laughed so much over the last couple of days.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
And I think yes, for us, we needed this. Like fuck, this world. We needed this big time.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. We need to laugh. And I do want to say, let’s just start with one fart and see how it goes.
Abby Wambach:
Can I do it now?
Glennon Doyle:
No. We’re on air. So here we go, we’re ending the show. We love you forever. And we’ll see you here next time. And I’m working on my shit. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me or write me mean letters. I know that it’s not right, and I’m working on it. I’m just am what I am. Okay? I love you. God bless you. Why yes, it is a prosthetic penis.
Amanda Doyle:
Send us your mortifying story. It’s part of the revolution of normalization. It is 747 200 5307. That’s mortification at 747 200 5307. It vibrates.
Abby Wambach:
And don’t send us your actual prosthetic penis.
Glennon Doyle:
We already have some.
Abby Wambach:
That is just a general term we are using for mortification.
Glennon Doyle:
Love you. Mean it. Bye.