We’re On Some New Sh*t: 2023
January 5, 2023
Glennon Doyle:
Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. Okay. Behold pod squad, we are doing a new thing.
Abby Wambach:
A new thing.
Glennon Doyle:
It is a new year.
Abby Wambach:
What’s a new thing?
Glennon Doyle:
Well, for those who are listening to the doozy of an episode on Tuesday, what we ended it with was this idea that we’re just going to try to do a new thing in our lives this year. And so what we’re thinking about today is not so much resolutions because it just feels hard resolving. I don’t think-
Amanda Doyle:
New Year, same me.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle:
New year same me is the good news and bad news of every year.
Glennon Doyle:
And so resolving just feels so committal and so ooh, aggressive to resolve to do something. So we’re not resolving, we’re just considering what we want to let go of and a new idea we might consider integrating into our lives this year. So an old idea we’re letting go of and a new idea we’re considering. All right. We’re going to talk to you today, dearest beloved pod squad about what each of the three of us is letting go of and letting in, to our lives this year.
Amanda Doyle:
And also let us know what y’all are.
Glennon Doyle:
Yes.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, that’s good.
Amanda Doyle:
What are your new things? What are your tired things you’re letting go of and what are your new jazzy things you’re thinking of? It’s 747 200 5307. And maybe one of my new things is going to be working jazzy into my lexicon.
Glennon Doyle:
Jazzy. Yeah, I was just thinking about the vibe is the Taylor Swift line of, I’m on some new shit. We’re just trying to be on some new shit this year.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh my gosh. We were driving yesterday and Alice goes, my eight year old Alice, “Some new shit.” And I was like, oh, okay, that’s what we’ll do then, some new shit. And I go, “Excuse me, what did you say?” I thought I misheard her and she said, “Some new shit.”
Glennon Doyle:
She, specified.
Amanda Doyle:
Go ahead and play it then. As long as it’s her highness doing it. We’re allowed to directly quote.
Glennon Doyle:
I mean what I love about that line is, I’m on some new shit is because it makes me think of a woman who’s just acting differently, who’s just clearly let go of some burdensome thinking and is acting different. And then somebody says, “What’s up with you? Because you’re just acting different.” You’re just lighter or freer or have more swagger. And then you’re like, “Well I’m on some new shit.” .
Amanda Doyle:
I love it too because it acknowledges that we’re all on either some old shit or some new shit.
Glennon Doyle:
We are all on drugs. And the drug is what your thinking is. That’s it. The tracks you have in your brain of the way we see the world are what we’re on. And so we’re just trying to be on some new shit in 2023.
Abby Wambach:
Well, why do you all think it’s important to think about what, or even assess, I don’t know, assess your prior year so you can get on some new shit. I think a lot of us get stuck because we don’t think about what has happened and we don’t think about what we want to manifest into our life. And so we just are like in the middle. So what do you think about that?
Amanda Doyle:
I think it comes from over-identifying with our thoughts. We either fail to acknowledge that our feelings are a result of our thoughts. So we think I am bad. I just feel my relationship is bad. Maybe your relationship is bad. Yeah. I give you that. Maybe you should try some new shit.
Amanda Doyle:
So if I start getting down on myself, I could say to myself, “I’m on some old shit.” I can isolate that what is happening is a result of the same thinking patterns, the result of the same shit that I always had done. And then there gives you some agency over it because you can be like, “Hmm, how’s that working? Not so well? Okay, let’s get some new shit.” So it’s just, if not, we just think, “Oh, we’re these immutable, unchanging always going to be like this people,” and then you have no agency then it’s just like wah wah. Always has been, always will be.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. Yeah. It’s understanding that we’re all just computers that are programmed a certain way and it’s taking out a disc and putting in a new disc and being like, all right, I’ll just-
Abby Wambach:
There’s no disks anymore.
Glennon Doyle:
There’s not? What is it now?
Amanda Doyle:
They’re VHSs now. Just put the playlists.
Glennon Doyle:
Seriously, what do people put in their computer so that files go from one… Are you being serious?
Abby Wambach:
There are no slots in computers. It’s just files that live on the computer in the cloud.
Glennon Doyle:
We are on some new shit.
Abby Wambach:
We are. Okay. So this is going to be like a thought experiment you’re going to have with yourself.
Glennon Doyle:
Exactly.
Abby Wambach:
Not a doing experiment. This is a thought experiment.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh no. Doing is too hard.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s like resolving. We don’t do, we are considering thinking differently. That’s all. Yeah. Okay. So
Amanda Doyle:
It’s like Homer Simpson. We can’t promise to try, but we’ll try to try.
Glennon Doyle:
But we’ll try to try and whatever we do try will be something that if I’m sitting on a couch, I’m doing it. You can’t even tell whether I’m doing it or not. All right.
Abby Wambach:
It’s possible.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m laying in the bathtub thinking and that is fulfilling my New Year’s resolution to myself. Okay.
Amanda Doyle:
That’s exactly right.
Abby Wambach:
It’s good.
Amanda Doyle:
So no one can prove otherwise.
Glennon Doyle:
The idea is if you are someone who’s been taught through your life that you can’t trust anyone. And so your thought in your head is people cannot be trusted. And of course that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe that’s some old shit. And maybe just for a little bit you’re like, I’m going to try being an idiot who thinks people can be trusted? Clearly that’s not true. But what if I just acted ridiculous and thought everyone could be trusted? And I had that thought and went through my life for a week that that is true. It’s easy for me to tell this story because I actually did this. I was like, okay, all right. Just to test this whole thought thing. I’m just going to pretend people can be trusted. That shit works. Okay. Everyone was suddenly so trustworthy. I could not believe it. Because you seek and you shall find, whatever you look for is what you find.
Abby Wambach:
One person who couldn’t be trusted almost brought the whole house down.
Glennon Doyle:
Well they did. I stopped the experiment, but it worked for a while.
Amanda Doyle:
And there’s a scientific name for that. It’s not woo woo, it’s confirmation bias. We have a tendency to find the stuff that confirms what we think and believe. So that’s just well documented in that situation.
Glennon Doyle:
So your scientific explanation is, my spiritual, scriptural is seek and you shall find. Sissy, what’s some old shit you’re considering letting go of and what’s some new shit that you’re considering trying?
Amanda Doyle:
So I think that mine is a result of mergings, of learnings from our conversations with Dr. Becky Kennedy about attachment as well as her work on deeply feeling kids. And the stuff that I’ve been learning about Sonya Renee Taylor for our upcoming conversation with her, which I’m so excited about. But I think I’ve realized that so much of my mental energy and anxiety is going to how I can support my son Bobby, and his emotional dysregulation and his neurodiversity challenges. So how I can prepare him to be able to navigate life successfully. And that means that so many of my interactions with him are actually coming from my own anxiety that he won’t be able to do that. And my shame that his father and I have failed to equip him to be able to do that. So even though it’s all coming from this place of love, the interactions between he and I are largely centering on my anxiety and shame.
Abby Wambach:
Can you give us an example?
Amanda Doyle:
He will have an outburst at home about something that’s super frustrating to him. I will see it as not commensurate with the severity of the minor inconvenience to him. Instead of reacting to his feelings, I am now reacting to my own anxiety of how the hell is this kid going to navigate life if he can’t even deal with this minor inconvenience? And how have we failed to help him get to a place where this isn’t happening all the time? And so I’m completely missing him. Everything is centering on my anxiety and shame that he isn’t okay.
Amanda Doyle:
And ironically, what I think that I’ve realized is that most of his outbursts and struggles are a way of him asking me, am I okay? Are my feelings too much for this world, for you? Because I, Bobby, am afraid of them. And I’m afraid you are afraid of them too. And the truth is that I have been. And so my new shit that I have started and that I’m going to resolve to do every day because it’s hard, and I think I’m going to have to re-resolve myself to do it, is to start with first things first. Which is to focus my energy in mind on not how his coaches or his teachers or his peers view him, but how he views him and how I view him.
Amanda Doyle:
And I’m going to just really try to radically love him just exactly as he is and stop trying to make him okay and do my best to make sure he’s okay with exactly who he is so that I can love him exactly as he is. And I can try to model for him to do that too. And so I think my shift is instead of using my love to help him, I’m going to use my love to love him.
Abby Wambach:
Oh my gosh. How has it manifested now? You’ve been doing this, you said for a little bit. How has it been going? He’s maybe having a misregulated moment. How are you now interacting with him in the moment that’s different?
Amanda Doyle:
I think I’m taking down my amped-upness. Because my amped-upness is about, oh my God, what does this mean? Oh my God, is he doing this at school? Is he doing this in his practices? What do I need to do to teach him to help him to not be doing this anymore? So I’m not even with him in the moment. And I’m at a 10, granted he’s at a fucking 12 for sure, but I am now matching his anxiety because my anxiety is less about, I have a kid who’s freaking out and more about I am freaking out ’cause I have a kid who’s freaking out. And so just being with him, and I’m actually, I learned this from Dr. Becky, but I’m actually saying, I’m not afraid of your feelings. I’m not scared of you or your feelings. I’m just going to be here through this.
Abby Wambach:
Oh, sissy, it’s beautiful
Amanda Doyle:
And so I just going to try to use my love to love him, which I think is maybe the help he’s needed all along.
Glennon Doyle:
I have two questions for you.
Amanda Doyle:
Yes.
Glennon Doyle:
The first one is you said, I’m worried that he’s not okay or he’s worried that he’s not okay. All the okays. What does okay mean? When you’re thinking we all want each other to be okay. Am I okay? Are you okay? Is she okay? Is my kid okay? What does that mean to you?
Amanda Doyle:
My most generous version to myself is is he going to struggle real hard through life? Is he going to struggle through conflicts with coaches and teachers and friends? Is he going to lose friends because of his big reaction? Is he going to all those things? And then my least generous version to myself is, is he going to be seen as a kid who is not respectful, is not having his shit together? I think if I’m being super honest with myself, I wish that the latter were not true. But I think that I’ve been focused too much on those forward things instead of really connecting with him. The behaviors are going to be their behaviors no matter what. I need for myself and for him to get into a direct relationship. And I feel really, really hopeful and excited that all the rest of it be damned.
Amanda Doyle:
I got to make sure that he and I are connecting and that I can feel his love and he can feel mine and that I can see him. I need to know what’s there that he’s afraid of. Because it’s also what is the beauty of him. My God, we watched this documentary on Coach Dean Smith who is a national damn treasure. It’s this human that embodied respect and honor and decency and connection with people and all the things that I am so desperately afraid that he won’t have in life.
Amanda Doyle:
And we get to the end of it and our whole family is like, that was beautiful. He is bawling. Bawling because he actually does fuel everything more than any of us do. And we’re so afraid he’s missing all of it. But it’s actually because he feels all of it that he’s having these struggles. And I’m like, I want to know that kid, that kid who feels all of that so much. I want to be friends with that person. I want to know what you know that moves you that much. And I’m not knowing what he knows because I’m trying to manage him.
Glennon Doyle:
Because you’re having a relationship with the version of him that you think he could be. And then you’re mad at him for not being that thing. And you’re saying, I want to look at him and love him for who he is, actually.
Amanda Doyle:
I’m having a relationship with his behaviors. And I’m not having a relationship with his feelings.
Abby Wambach:
And I think something that you should know about a guy like Dean Smith is this guy didn’t become the honorable, well-respected person he is without figuring out the world. And I think Bobby probably had such an emotional reaction because maybe he doesn’t know that he can be that too. That a guy like Dean Smith in a lot of ways is super in touch with themselves. To be honorable, to have leadership, you have to be able to embody all of the human emotions to be able to understand what people are going through. So it’s like Bobby sees this vision of this person that he would love to be and all you need to do is just keep telling him to trust himself, to keep telling him that these feelings are normal. I just love this so much for you and for Bobby. Because in the end all we have is each other. It doesn’t matter what the fuck he becomes. The love you have with Bobby is the thing that will the stand the test of time.
Glennon Doyle:
Because it’s also just this idea of, okay. I think it’s ruining everything. It’s like what does okay mean? Okay. Is always something that we’re not quite yet, but that if we just apply enough control we might be one day.
Amanda Doyle:
And it’s also something that is entirely-
Glennon Doyle:
Subjective…
Amanda Doyle:
-externally provided. People tell us if we’re okay, people tell us if our kids are okay. Oh don’t worry. I’ll find out at the parent-teacher conference if he’s okay. I’ll find out at his 504 meeting if he’s okay. I’m just not interested in that. I’m interested in all of that information as data and ways that I can help my kid navigate in the world. I’m no longer interested in that to find out if he’s okay. I’m interested in hearing from him if he’s okay.
Glennon Doyle:
And I’m just going to just double down on the idea that okay maybe is nothing. That it’s like, is Glennon okay? I don’t know, I’m sure she’s still Glennon. Is Bobby okay? He’s Bobby and I know him.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah. And I think by okay, if he is okay with him, I think it’s like, is he not scared of himself?
Abby Wambach:
Oof.
Glennon Doyle:
Well good luck with that. Seriously, is that really your goal? Yeah. That he will not be scared of himself?
Abby Wambach:
I feel scared of myself sometimes.
Glennon Doyle:
Me too. Scared shitless. I don’t, that’s what I’m trying to say. I don’t know if there’s any goal. I just love the idea of letting go of the idea that there is a goal other than what you’re saying, which is let me know you and let me be here with you. Because what’s your definition of love? You’re saying I just want to love him with my love. What is that?
Amanda Doyle:
I want to meet him where he is. I want to delight in him. I want to see when I look at him, the best version of him. And I want to reflect that back to him.
Abby Wambach:
So hard as parents-
Glennon Doyle:
There. That’s it.
Abby Wambach:
-to do that. It’s so hard not to get stuck in-
Glennon Doyle:
Bettering them.
Abby Wambach:
The down the road mindset.
Amanda Doyle:
Because you get stuck in your job. I view my job and part to be totally honest, is preparing and helping them and not sending them out. Good fucking luck, Charlie. But I just realized I jumped a step, there’s no preparing him for the world unless I am helping him to be inside of him.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, exactly. And oh well if we are too good to them and we accept them too much for who they are. It reminds me of when Jen Haymaker said, my dad spent my whole life telling me I was excellent. And then I gotten out to the world and I found out I’m just medium.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s better than reverse. That’s because if you think you’re just shit, the rest of the world can tell you you’re excellent forever and you don’t believe them anyway.
Glennon Doyle:
And by the way, if your family tells you you’re perfect and beautiful and then the rest of the world can tell you you’re shit and you won’t believe them.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, exactly.
Amanda Doyle:
Just be like that world is so confused.
Abby Wambach:
Good job sissy.
Glennon Doyle:
I love it.
What about you Babe?
Abby Wambach:
What about me? Oof. Well, I’ve been thinking about this because end of the year, beginning of the year, we as a family, we always consider what has happened and we write our intentions for now 2023.
Amanda Doyle:
Do you really do that as a whole family? Your kids do it?
Abby Wambach:
Well we do it as a couple.
Amanda Doyle:
Oh, I was like God damn.
Abby Wambach:
She’s my family.
Glennon Doyle:
Our kids would be like f you. Right?
Abby Wambach:
My next thing, the thing I’m breathing life into, I’m breathing into next year, this year is this idea of flexibility. Now this might sound weird at first, but for my whole professional athletic career, I decided to be strong because I was bigger than most other women athletes. I was able to use that as a sort of source of strength to overpower other teams, to score goals, to win games and whatever.
Amanda Doyle:
So that was your advantage. You’re like, strength is my thing. Yes. I am doubling down on that. That’s my main back.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah. Doubled down on it, tripled down on it. And what that did was it created a big imbalance inside of me. Now back in the day, strength and flexibility as a pro athlete, you want to have both. You want to have this balance of both strength and flexibility. But I put so much emphasis because this was the thing that was going to give me that advantage. I put so much more emphasis on power and strength than I did my actual physical flexibility. So for the last couple of weeks I have been doing a flexibility challenge trying to open up my hips. So every day I hold these poses for five minutes. It’s very brutal because I have never in my entire life focused any energy on my body’s flexibility. Now what’s been fascinating over the last few weeks is I’ve been learning quite a bit about what we store in our hips.
Glennon Doyle:
Sadness.
Abby Wambach:
In terms of-
Amanda Doyle:
The hips don’t lie.
Glennon Doyle:
They will make you cry. Those hips.
Abby Wambach:
And it’s gotten me to think a lot about flexibility in general in my life. So not just with my physical body, but my emotional and spiritual body.
Glennon Doyle:
Tell them what happens if say we get to a drive-through and then the drive-throughs closed. Tell them what happens if something changes.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, I don’t handle it well. I have-
Amanda Doyle:
What happens? What happens?
Abby Wambach:
I have, well first of all there it’s very loaded. So when we agree to be able to go to a drive through and get fast food.
Amanda Doyle:
Yeah, I was going to say, not often does this happen.
Abby Wambach:
Never does this happen. So when we agree and then said drive through is closed or the line is like 50 cars deep, we decide we’re not going to do said fast food anymore and just go home and make grilled cheese.
Amanda Doyle:
And then it’s going to be another six months before you get a drive through again.
Abby Wambach:
So a lot of things are happening, but I think overall my brain reads this altering of what was supposed to be this change of course. And I go into, I get triggered and I become, dare I say, an asshole. I get short, I get upset. So much so that this one decided we were just going to drive home and have grilled cheeses. And I said, I’m dropping you off and I’m going to a different fast food joint.
Glennon Doyle:
She dropped us all off at home and left us. She stayed in the car. I know. I did think it was kind of good taking care of her own needs.
Amanda Doyle:
It’s very good.
Abby Wambach:
First of all, I was way too upset about-
Glennon Doyle:
She was really upset.
Abby Wambach:
I was way too upset. So the whole reason why I’m telling you this story is I feel, and it might not necessarily appear on the outside, but on the inside when things change or inefficiencies happen or something breaks in my house, what happens on my insides is really upset, frustration, tense.
Glennon Doyle:
Clenching.
Abby Wambach:
Clenching. And then I project all of that negative energy around me. And I think when this circumstance happens, we could classify me as somebody that is inflexible.
Glennon Doyle:
Inflexible.
Amanda Doyle:
Ooh, I see where you’re going Abby.
Abby Wambach:
So what I’m leaving behind is inflexibility. And what I am breathing into, what I’m looking at for this new year is not just in body but in also my mind because I believe that my mind sometimes creates a bad taste for my spirit to experience the feelings. Because I do think it’s about training myself to be a lot more flexible. And when kids leave stuff in the sink and leave the upstairs a little bit of a mess at night. And so we come up to it.
Glennon Doyle:
And she’s shocked it’s never happened before.
Abby Wambach:
I don’t have to internalize it.
Glennon Doyle:
It’s always going to happen.
Abby Wambach:
I’m not going to internalize it anymore as a sign of disrespect. I’m going to think, oh wow, look, they’re living lovingly and out loud and they feel safe and comfortable in our house. And I remember what it was like to be 14 and 16 and I remember leaving shit all over my fucking house. I’m so sorry mom that I did that.
Glennon Doyle:
Listen to what Abby says. This is what she said to me in all seriousness, just two days ago. She said, do you know what I live for? And I said, what do you live for? And she said, I live for the day when these children have their own house and I’m going to come to their house and I’m going to fuck everything up. I’m just going to open up all the cabinets. I’m going to throw my shoes everywhere.
Abby Wambach:
I’m going to leave ring marks.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m going to take their clothes, I’m going to go in the closet, I’m going to take their clothes. And she was dead serious. I live for it.
Abby Wambach:
I’m going to throw my shoes around.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m going to take their money.
Abby Wambach:
I’m going to hide their remotes. You know what else I’m going to do? I’m going to leave shit in the sink. I’m going to leave little wrappers everywhere. You know what else we’re going to do-
Glennon Doyle:
Take 60 cups and put them in every room.
Abby Wambach:
Full of ice water on all of their wood furniture.
Glennon Doyle:
We’re going to take all their clothes that are nicely in the hamper and we’re going to throw them on the floor next to the hamper.
Amanda Doyle:
Are you also going to put leftover lunches just right under their beds?
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. Tupperware. Tupperware going to line it up in their closets. Dirty Tupperware.
Abby Wambach:
And she’s like, no you’re not. I was like, “Oh, you watch me. I’m going to fucking do it and I’m going to be happy about it.” I’m going to actually sneak into their homes and do it whilst they don’t know.
Glennon Doyle:
So how’s that peaceful flexibility come in that?
Abby Wambach:
Well this is down the road, this is going to be a future self that maybe I’m working on something else. But yeah.
Glennon Doyle:
So I have an idea too, which is that I see you doing your flexibility stretches while you’re watching the soccer. And I know from yoga that when the pain comes from the stretch that we’re supposed to just breathe into it. So maybe one strategy is when you sense that shift that comes with discomfort, which honestly probably comes a lot from being one of seven and you never got to control your own day. Everything was always changing and you didn’t get to set the itinerary of your life. So now when you do and it changes, it feels out of control. But maybe your strategy could be just to breathe deep into that pain until it feels better.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, I know. It’s just, it’s so funny how things for me present in the body, that also means so much more. And let me tell you, it’s not easy to hold these poses and it is not going to be easy to remember flexibility in the times when things are changing and needing to breathe.
Glennon Doyle:
And to hold your peace and to be a surfer. You surf. You’re a surfer. It’s like life is not like brick building. Nothing’s that concrete. Everything is wavy and wavy and so it’s just constantly adjusting.
Abby Wambach:
I think that the whole first part of my life was built on being a robot body. And now with this love of surfing that I’ve taken on, it’s the complete opposite athleticism. You have to be graceful and flexible. And you have to really move with the element and be in nature and breathe and be flexible out there.
Glennon Doyle:
Because there’s no control.
Abby Wambach:
Yeah, there’s never… We’re never in any control. It’s so annoying.
Glennon Doyle:
I’m doing good. I’m on some new shit.
Abby Wambach:
What about you honey?
Glennon Doyle:
Well, clearly having heard the last episode, you know that my new shit abounds. New shit abounds.
Amanda Doyle:
Your cup runeth over with new shit..
Glennon Doyle:
Yes. As usual and electrolytes and all kinds of things these days. Okay, I have a one idea, which I don’t know, I think it’s going to make sense to everyone. Okay.
Abby Wambach:
We’ll let you know.
Amanda Doyle:
I’ll be the judge of that.
Glennon Doyle:
So here’s an idea that I have lived with for a very long time, at least 15 years since I’ve been doing this job in its iterations and being a mom and being a family person and all the things. I have lived my life in anticipation of something big. And the big thing is a big interview or a big book deadline or a big speaking event or a big something with which I have convinced myself and other people have contributed to convincing me that thing, the rest of my life will be dependent on that thing.
Glennon Doyle:
That my future success, everyone’s future success, the whatever hinges on how while I perform in that thing. And to be fair to me it’s usually something scary. It’s on a stage. I do think that everybody in talking to my friends has this, whether it’s a work thing or whatever, that you have these things that you’re like, okay, that’s what they say. Adulthood is just saying, well soon things will slow down after this week forever until you die. You just live in preparation for that big thing and then it’s over and you always kind of convince yourself that when that’s over, I’m going to be okay.
Amanda Doyle:
And that’s when I’ll do all the things. That’s when I’ll start taking care of myself. That’s when I’ll go on that vacation, That’s when I’ll, because I just got to get to that thing.
Glennon Doyle:
That’s when I’ll breathe. That’s when I’ll be human because I live my life in dread of the thing and dread is what I call it. I don’t know that I tend to use negative words. I’m trying to an anticipatory energy of that thing that makes me unable to be present because I’m constantly in my head not here. I’m preparing for that thing or I’m, my nervous system is getting ready for that thing. That has been going on for at least as long as I’ve been doing this job. But honestly, I remember when I was teaching too. Once I get through that big unit, once I get through this school year.
Abby Wambach:
But it’s nature that’s a human. I think a way humans live is we’re living big thing to big things.
Glennon Doyle:
But I don’t… The result of this situation of living this way is that I am never living. I am never in the moment. I am never here now. All the people I’m with are just like, actually they’re a problem because I’m in my head trying to prepare for that thing. Everything is, nothing’s here now. That’s good enough. It’s all just, I’m scared. I have to be scared until that thing and then I’ll relax. And then the interesting thing is during the big thing, so the preparatory time beforehand is shit. The thing is shit, I always perform it well, but I’m not really there.
Amanda Doyle:
Anxiety wise it’s shit.
Glennon Doyle:
Anxiety wise it’s shit. I’m like nervous and whatever, go to the thing. And then I think this is the moment I’ve been waiting for and it’ll be over and then I’ll finally be happy. And that never works. Every time something big happens and it’s done and it’s dusted and I’m waiting for all the joy and then there’s this double letdown. It’s because when you’ve promised yourself that you will be okay, when that mountaintop comes and then the mountaintop comes and you’re not okay, you’re triply scared because you think now I’ll never be happy because I promise myself that was the thing that was going to make me happy. So through my thinking over the last couple months and my therapist, I have started to consider and actually live into this idea, this new shit that nothing is more or less important than anything else.
Glennon Doyle:
Nothing. Okay. Recording a big pod. Not more important or more scary or more on the line than the walk that I take by myself beforehand. An interview that I do with a big magazine, not any more important than the ride that I have with Amma from school to home. Nothing less important, nothing more important. Every single thing that I do, just equal presence. It is fucking working and I’m keeping it. If you call me today or we have a meeting and you say, “Well, in two weeks we are going to have to interview the pope.” I mean, first of all, I’d have some fucking questions.
Abby Wambach:
Also, also bad example.
Glennon Doyle:
Okay. Beyoncé. I don’t know. I would tell you right now, amazing. And that will have the exact same level of significance, which to me is like holy, I’m not saying it’s unimportant, but I will not work myself up about it anymore than I would work myself up about dinner tonight with my family. No more anxiety for that thing than I would have for whatever I’m doing next today.
Abby Wambach:
Sounds like you’ve adjusted priority in your brain in the way things are organized. What is the most important? Because I think some of us, I know that you live with anxiety, but some of us make something bigger because we put more value in it or we do believe that it’s going to bring us more joy. Or if when that is over, I will have now achieved okayness. But that is a revolutionary thought that no one thing is more important than another.
Amanda Doyle:
I think it’s the opposite of prioritization because it’s basically, yeah, because then that still puts one thing in higher than the other and you’re having to do that mental gymnastics of, wait, is this dinner more important than my one-on-one with my kid though? Is this more important? But it’s just a spiritual practice of agnostic prioritization. Where it’s like no prioritization.
Glennon Doyle:
Everything is holy, amazing. Just the only priority being being in my body and being present for what’s in front of me.
Amanda Doyle:
And when you think about it, that’s actually from a just practicality perspective, if you were a betting person, you would actually do better to do your approach. Because if you’re doing any kind of ranking order of what’s important in your life or not, you might find out at the close of business that you were wrong about your business.
Glennon Doyle:
Well that’s what I suspect.
Amanda Doyle:
And then you’ll get it. You’ll never get it back.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, that’s right. And when I think about the level of presence and attention that I want to have just with my in the morning when I have my little coffee and my poetry and Hattie and Honey and my little window seat, that’s the good shit. And also it’s helping me shift how I feel about work. I’ve talked before about how I’m always saying I have to quit. I can’t do this. And it’s because who wants to live that way? Who wants to live holding their breath and only breathing once in a while? I just think our moments with ourselves and our friends and our family are, there’s just no level of importance.
Abby Wambach:
And it’s so interesting because Tish actually mentioned last night to you, you just seem more grounded.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah. She said that.
Abby Wambach:
And I think that that must be such a reaffirming thing to hear from one of your kids. And I interpret it as like, you’re here.
Glennon Doyle:
Yeah, you’re here.
Abby Wambach:
You’re here. And I feel you. And it’s just really awesome to watch it all happen and unfold in front of my face.
Glennon Doyle:
And it will, it’ll come back. It always comes back. But the touch tree of these new ideas, I was walking on the beach yesterday morning and there were these tire tracks because the lifeguards ride their little trucks in the morning and the wave came up and the whole wave curved into the two tracks of the tires. And it made me think of how our reactions go into the neural pathways that are tread, the water of it goes into the path that is most tread, which is the thought that we’ve had for most long.
Glennon Doyle:
If you make a mistake and you go to I’m an idiot, you’re going to automatically go there if that’s where you’ve been going for so long, it’s like turning a freighter to change a neural pathway. So I expect that it’ll take me all year to actually retrain my brain to think, nope. Nothing more or less important than the next thing. Nothing more important than that. I will have to come back to treading that new path so that the water goes there and it will be an effort for all of us with our new shit. But we’re going to try it.
Amanda Doyle:
And if that way of thinking that Glennon just mentioned resonates with you of always not living in the moment, but living in preparation of the thing ahead and planning for the thing ahead, you should go back and listen to episode 56 that we did with Kate Bowler and we talked a lot about that horizon living and how I was talking about how I spend my life in horizon living. So if you want to hear more about that, go listen to that. It was a great conversation.
Glennon Doyle:
And tell us y’all, what is your new shit going to be? New ideas, new ideas you’re considering trying out while you’re sitting on the couch. Okay.
Abby Wambach:
Can I read the number?
Glennon Doyle:
What you’re letting go of. Yeah. Read the number babe.
Amanda Doyle:
Okay. 747 200 5307.
Glennon Doyle:
And you all, we love you so much and if you want us to use yours, you got to stay under two minutes. Although we do love the people who call talk, hang up, call back, or because it cuts them off. Call back, keep talking, get cut off the best. Call back, keep talking. So we look forward to hearing from you. We will catch you back here next week. We love you pod squad. Bye. I’m doing good, I’m on some new shit. We can do hard things is produced in partnership with Cadence 13 studios. Be sure to rate, review and follow the show on Apple Podcasts, Odyssey or wherever you get your podcasts. Especially. Be sure to rate and review the podcast if you really liked it. If you didn’t, don’t worry about it. It’s fine.