Originally published in 2011 & excerpted from the New York Times Bestseller Carry On, Warrior.
Let’s head back to the morning of March 20th, 2003 for a moment, shall we?
Craig and I have been married for six months. Chase, our firstborn, is five months old. Skip the math and stay with me. I’m home on maternity leave and spending my days alternating between the ecstasy and despair that accompany caring for an infant. I’m a little worn out.
But on March 20th, I wake up renewed and refreshed and tingling with excitement. Because as soon as I open my eyes, I remember: It’s my birthday. MY BIRTHDAY! I lie in bed and wait for the surprises and festivities and celebration of me to begin.
I wait. Then I wait a little longer. I look at Craig sleeping soundly and think, Ooooh- this is gonna be good. He’s still asleep! He must’ve been up all night preparing for my big day. Can’t wait.
Still waiting. Staring at Craig.
Craig opens his eyes, turns to me and smiles. Happy birthday, Honey. I bat my eyes and smile back.
Craig gets up and stumbles to the shower.
I stay in bed. Still waiting. Waiting patiently.
He comes back twenty minutes later and says, “Can I make you some coffee?”
Um. Yeah.
I climb out of bed. I put my hair up and throw on some make-up so I’ll look nice in the pictures Craig’s sure to snap of me when I emerge from the bedroom and see all my balloons and flowers and perhaps the string quartet he’s hired to play while I eat the fancy breakfast he’s prepared.
I take a deep breath and fling open the bedroom door with much birthday gusto. I prepare my most surprised face.
Turns out there was no need to prepare. I am surprised. Because there are no balloons. No quartet. No nothing. Just Craig. Smiling, hugging me. Happy Birthday, Honey. Gotta go. See you for dinner tonight?
Craig leaves. I sit on the kitchen floor of our teeny apartment wondering if perhaps this is a practical joke. I repeatedly open and close the front door in case he’s hiding there with all of my friends whom he’s flown in from the ends of the earth to yell SURPRISE! at me. No friends. Nothing.
I sit on the couch, shocked. I am misunderstood. I am unappreciated.
Please understand. Growing up with Bubba and Tisha, birthdays were a big deal. They made the world stop on my birthday. I never knew what would happen, but I knew it was going to be good. Tisha served breakfast in bed with flowers and gifts and out-of-the-ordinary things happened all day. In high school Bubba and Tisha sent roses to my fourth period history class with a card that said “from your secret admirer.” Nobody was allowed to get flowers delivered to class, but Bubba knew people. He also knew that those flowers would make me the most popular girl in school for the day. And they did. I walked around shrugging my shoulders when people asked me who they were from- glancing nonchalantly in the direction of the captain of the football team. He didn’t know my name. But still, anything was possible on my birthday.
Let’s just say that the morning of March 20th, 2003, I did not feel like the most popular girl in school. I did not feel like anything could happen. I felt like nothing could happen. Defeated, I sat down on the couch with my crying baby and turned on the TV.
The news anchor announced that America had officially declared some sort of war.
WHAT??? I yelled at the TV. ON MY BIRTHDAY?????
And that was IT.
I called Craig at work. He didn’t answer, so I hung up and called back immediately, which is our bat signal for it’s an emergency. He answered on the first ring, “Hi, What’s wrong? Is everything okay? Another fire???”
So, I had set the apartment on fire the week before. Twice. Firefighters had come both times. Blaring their sirens and holding their big hoses and wearing their big masks and costumes and everything, which I thought was a little dramatic of them. I mean the fires weren’t even that big. C’mon. But Craig was still a little jumpy. Anyway -I don’t want to talk about that right now. For the love of God, try to focus on MY BIRTHDAY.
Me: “No, husband. There is no fire. It is much worse than that. You should know that I have cancelled my birthday. Today is no longer my birthday.”
Craig: “What? Why?”
Me: “Because it is already eleven am and nothing extraordinary has happened to me yet. Except, apparently, some sort of war. I hate this day. And so it is not my birthday. Cancel it in your brain. Tomorrow is my birthday.”
Craig: “Okay. Ooooookay. Should I cancel our reservations and the sitter for tonight?”
Me: “No. No you shouldn’t, Husband. We will still go out to dinner tonight. But it will be a working dinner. Bring a pencil and paper, Husband. Because tonight I will be holding a seminar for you about my birthday expectations. They are many and they are specific, so you will want to wear your thinking cap. Also, find a sitter and make reservations for tomorrow night, too. Tomorrow night will be my birthday dinner. My birthday is tomorrow. Consider it a second chance. You are welcome. See you tonight, Husband. For the seminar.”
So we went to dinner that night. I explained to Craig how growing up, my parents showed their love by really celebrating special days. I told him that they paid attention to what I really wanted and cared about, offered thoughtful gifts, and created meaningful traditions. And I explained that this is how I learned to accept love. And so when he didn’t do that, it made me feel panicked and unloved somewhere down really deep.
Craig explained that he loved me very much. And because he loved me, he wanted me to feel loved. But he said that sometimes it’s hard to know what makes a person feel loved best. So he thought it was kind and wise that I figured out what made me feel loved and shared it with him. He said he was grateful. It made him feel safe, like I would help him through this marriage thing instead of being secretly resentful.
The Love Seminar worked for us. It lasted for four hours. There was some crying and lots of laughing and talking about how hard it is to come from two different families and try to make a new one. And how impossible it is to read minds and hearts. How wonderful it is to just hear what the person you love needs and learn how to give it. To set each other up for success rather than failure. 
The next morning, on March 21, 2003, my temporary birthday, Craig walked into our bedroom with hot coffee and bagels covered with pink candles. He sang to me and asked me to make a wish.
When I peeked out of the bedroom I saw posters covering the walls of our apartment. They said, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY! I LOVE MY AMAZING WIFE! The posters had balloons and hearts drawn all over them. Boys can’t really draw balloons and hearts. Ridiculously cute.
I squealed and Craig beamed. I kissed him goodbye and he said he’d call soon. Every hour, in fact.
I peeked into Chase’s room and saw that his crib was decorated with blue streamers.
I went pee, unrolled some toilet paper and little sticky notes fell out of the roll, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!”
Teamwork. Love takes teamwork, I think.
These days, Craig is known for his skill at celebrating special family days. He takes pride in it. He is a master. Legendary. I can’t tell you how many times a friend has said to me, “You are so lucky. He is amazing.”
And part of me wants to say, “Lucky? Whadyathink he fell out of the sky like that?”
But instead I say, “I know. He is. He’s amazing.”
He is.
Happy Wife, Happy Life. It’s true. For me, at least.
Originally published in 2011 & excerpted from the New York Times Bestseller Carry On, Warrior.
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39 Comments
What a bitch. Whaaaa I feel a underappreciated even though my husband is hard at work and I have a great place to live at with children…
I’ve cancelelled my birthday it us tonmorow
It’s my birthday today, as of 1 hour ago. I cancelled it. But I’m in year four of marriage with three little boys and my husband still thought out was a great idea to be out playing board games with friends until 11 and then come home to start a conversation about how I feel about death. Not because he was preoccupied by it or anything. Just because he was curious to know what I would start. Well, I had a meltdown, basically, about mortality and end-stage fears and now I can’t sleep I’m so consumed with anxiety.
I was stupid enough to have hopes he would come back from his late-night guy fest with a bakery package of something for breakfast, or flowers, or a balloon, or maybe a hug? Just to apologize for being out so much lately and to kick off the day? I feel demanding writing that out now.
But instead it’s 1:00am and I have 3 kids 3 and under to deal with tomorrow and thinking about death and afterlife and fragility and there’s nothing for my birthday. Nothing. It’s not like my tiny boys did anything for me either.
I’ve just decided to cancel altogether. No rescheduling. It’s just off the calendar. I won’t be so depressed tomorrow, then.
Thanks for the post. I know I’m posting on archives here, but my soul needed the venting.
Wow, my heart needed to hear this post. I can’t even explain it. But, thank you!
Glennon,
Sometimes there are really big things and you do a great job of addressing them, but then, sometimes there are things that might not seem so important – I am so hoping you won’t mind addressing one of them for me.
Where did you get the delightful green cowboy boots you wore when speaking in Cleveland?
I envied them, so I know my true self is a girl who wears wonderful boots just like you!
I love this. My husband and I came from very different families. Both good- but different. And I Iearned to share my thoughts about things like this instead of resenting him for not KNOWING on his own. “To set each other up for Success instead of Failure”. Perfect motto!
p.s. Happy Birthday, Glennon! Thank you for all you do. xoxo
I love that you were brave enough to tell your husband exactly what makes you feel loved, and that he was brave enough to accept the advice without getting defensive. So many times we expect our spouse to just know, I know I’m guilty of this.
I have had one of those years when I wanted to cancel my birthday. I will never forget the morning. I was teaching first grade and I had gotten a phone call from my husband. So I stepped just outside my classroom door to take the call. As he began telling me that a plane had flown into The World Trade Center my students parents were walking in the door with balloons and cupcakes to celebrate. I knew no one that died that day but somehow feel a special connection to them. Last month I went on a mission trip to Haiti. When we came back to the states we had a night in NYC. The one thing I wanted and got to do was visit the 9/11 site. It was closed but just being outside the barrier and hearing that rushing water was a holy moment. I stood there as tears streamed down my face. I think this next year I will be able to celebrate my birthday differently. Which is probably helpful since I am turing 40. Wow, that was hard to type. Thank you for sharing. I am glad I’m not the only one that has wanted to change my birthday because of something negative that happened on that day.
oh, and i totally understand your feelings about birthdays, not being made to feel special, which in turn causes one to feel unloved
I know it is officially past your birthday and hopefully you are happily sleeping, awash in new memories. I would have written earlier but I kept reading the column over and over. Happy birthday! I confess I shared this post to my Facebook page with a link to my husband’s page and spent hours giggling on and off about how horrified he would probably reading it and about me upping the ante on birthdays. At first I thought I was just teasing him but maybe if I let myself take up enough space, I might really like being celebrated like that. Definitely with the toilet paper notes, but maybe without the fire department. Thank you so much. I celebrate others heartily; I want the bravery to ask for more for me. I will print and keep this post. And eventually I will just order your book because the stores are always sold out!
Happy birthday, Glennon! I just found your website and blog the other day, and I am really enjoying them. I’m excited to learn that we are just one day apart in age. You borrowed my birthday in 2003! Hope your day was great, and thanks for making me feel good about being almost 40!
“How wonderful it is to just hear what the person you love needs and learn how to give it. To set each other up for success rather than failure.”
Such wisdom. i think “almost 40” is going to be my jam, too, now that I’ve found the courage to speak my truth, thanks to Glennon and all the other Monkees here. Happiest of birthdays to you, G!
Ugh!!!! I hate that I can’t fix the typos in my response! Totally my bad! I promise I know how to spell!! 🙂
Forst and foremost (and obviously most important!) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! (Yes…all caps, exclamation points and all!). I am hesitant to wrote you because I am positive that you receive such an enormous amount of messages like this but you are so inspiring! You are in our Lord’s honest truth, a beautiful person inside and out. I’m a bit old school and I am not on the Internet too much….a result of laziness instead of taking a stand against technology. I had to state that because your words hit my heart every single time I read them! I know you’ve heard this endless times but please know that our Lord works through you! My oldest child, my boy, my son, MY bubba, will be 9 years old in May. He shouldn’t be here. While I was 15 weeks pregnant I had to have my appendix removed. It was in the process of rupturing and it was stuck up in my intestines. (Apparently those lil buggers are just suppose to hang out and dangle about!). They gave him a 15% survival rate. His teeny tiny limbs on his hands came out looking as though he was giving the middle finger on some high tech ultrasound as I was in recovery. I eat healthy, don’t smoke, do drigs, drink in excess, ect yet I had hurdle after hurdle as I was pregnant. Our boy (which we kept the sex a surprise) was born 6 weeks early due to a ruptures placenta. He was born during an emergency c~section where my husband was barely let in bc I had complications. He cried his beautiful cry after we heard, “it’s a boy!!!”….he then abruptly stopped crying and they had to whisk him away to bring him back to life. I have no doubt that God knew I needed him ( and Him) more than anything because I was blessed with our Jackson. He may have spent a few weeks in the NICU but I was grateful for every minute with him. I’ve now written more than your entire post and I apologize but it makes me realize that every birthday is a gift from God to us. I like to think I celebrate every birthday to the fullest but I want it to make such an impact that he continues to do it for his future spouse and any possible children…I will also drag my tired butt up to make the French toast recipe I make that he loves so much simply because as he told my husband, “mom makes it just for me! Her secret ingredient is love and wishes…i saw her make it like that before when i spied on her! moms do that kind of stuff!” I apologize for the lengthy response but I just felt compelled to write, so write I did….again, happy birthday and God bless! Xxoo
Happy birthday! And thank you. Karen
P.S. Is that a Salt and Pepper Schnauzer I see in the pic? She looks just like mine. 🙂
Happy Birthday! I enjoyed reading this Glennon. It reminded me of my first birthday after our twins were born. They were only a month old and he didn’t even say Happy Birthday. His parents never celebrated his birthday growing up and don’t even call him. I think birthdays are painful for him so I try not to make a big deal of it. He was out of town on my birthday last Sunday. But this year I am celebrating myself tomorrow night at a twin mom party. And leaving him with the boys with his blessing!! 😉
In my past marriage, I was constantly disappointed in my ex-husband for not “loving me” in the way I wanted to be loved. Now, in my current relationship, I have no qualms about asking for what I want. I’m a big words person, and my love isn’t. So when I’m in need of some lovey-dovey mushy time, I tell him “Hey love, can we say nice things to each other now?” After he laughs, he’s more than willing to give me words of affirmation!
Happy Birthday to you Glennon and best wishes on this day we were blessed to receive you into this world and many thanks to your parents for whatever they may have had to do with that! We are so lucky…
Love it! I think “almost 40 is my jam” too:)
Hope you’re having a FABULOUS b-day! Love love love this post!
I’m lying in bed with an awful cold, having just cancelled my birthday dinner with husband and best friends tonight. I forgot we share the same birthday. Thank you for making me smile on what so far is a pretty lousy bday! Oh and by the way we are having another snow storm which is like salt in the wounds since I also have always LOVED having my bday on the first day of spring (even though I could retire if I had a dime for every person that has said ‘isn’t that on the 21st?’). Celebrate for me girlfriend! 41 is kind of a let down anyway after fabulous 40!!!
Happy Happy Birthday G! I believe everyone should feel LOVED AND SO SO SPECIAL on their birthday if not EVERY SINGLE DAY! My birthday was on Sunday 3/15 and I also turned 39. It was the BEST birthday I have had in a long time! The day was full of so many surprises and warm wishes. Mother Nature gave me the greatest gift of all….68 degree weather (today it’s 28 with snow in MN/ND). I ended the night very disappointed though because ONE person didn’t make MY DAY different from any other day. I ended the night in quiet tears thinking I didn’t deserve all the special attention. Who am I to be so blessed? But the next day I reminded myself that those blessings came from GOD and HE LOVE ME! I told myself that I would continue to do what I can to make others feel special, even if it’s not a birthday, as I know it would please God and pleasing Him is all that matters. But I thank you for the reminder that husbands are not mind readers and celebrations are not as important to everyone. I hope the rest of your day SPARKLES!! God Bless You!
I love that story! I love the way you explained to Craig exactly what you needed! Its not always that easy to put into words what you need from a relationship sometimes! I have always given my husband what I would like in return and slowly but surely he is getting better at it!
Happy Birthday!
Glennon, I am SO GLAD you were born, and that you live the life you do, and that you share it with us. I need you. It’s weird to say that to a stranger, but it’s true. Your life is a huge blessing. I don’t know how many days I have felt tired and lost and flat and freaked out by the whole living thing, and found your words and felt a little bit less alone and a little bit more hopeful. I’m so grateful to know that when I crawl out of my bed and into the world today (around 1:00pm), I am going to do it in solidarity with so many other women. Women who feel the same weight and anxiety I feel. Somehow that makes it easier. And that easier is because of you. Because you are alive. Because you live so honestly and openly and lovingly. You are SO appreciated. Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday to you!!! I hope you day is ahmayzing!
happy Glennon day!! I had to comment. The look on your youngest’s face as you get ready to blow out the candles… Pure joy and love!
Happy birthday! I’m taking tips from you and I will sit my people down and train them too 🙂
Happy Happy Birthday G. May your next trip around the sun be filled with awesomeness:)
We have the same birthday! Happy first day of Spring! And I like this post! Birthdays should be celebrated much more than things like Valentine’s Day! A person should have that 1 day they are celebrated and made to feel extra special. Their birthday is perfect for it!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (in my best Frosty the Snowman voice)
I hope today is/was a fabulous day filled with tons of Monkee love from all of your favorite peeps!
xoxo
I love this so much!! Can I ask 1 question though? Why do you call your mom and dad Bubba and Tisha? If you have already answered this, I’m sorry. Love and admire you so much G.
Love, Jen.
Today is my birthday too! I remember March 20th, 2003 very well. It was the year I turned 21, I was 5 months pregnant with my firstborn, and was “celebrating” at a casino boat with my mom, my grandma, and my boyfriend. I was bored and just sitting there watching a tv which was showing the news about the war. Now my 11 year old daughter is an awesome birthday celebrator, and my husband (not that boyfriend) is too. Happy birthday to you!
Happy Birthday! I hope it is full of love, laughter and a year of great surprises!
I didn’t get great birthdays or surprises growing up. My husband did not, either. I tried to make my children’s birthdays as wonderful as magic and now they are all grown up. They now celebrate their birthdays for a full month!
You do think that they would ever think to make my birthday a great celebration?
oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
as per usual, you made me smile and laugh. oh, and i totally understand your feelings about birthdays, not being made to feel special, which in turn causes one to feel unloved.
Happy Birthday Glennon!!!! All the love in the world, Andrea
Happy Birthday, Glennon! Wishing many,many birthdays to come. Much love,Mirela!