“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is
something we tune into.”
– Wayne Dyer
I think comparison and competition exist partly because we believe that there is a scarcity of good things in the universe. And that belief makes us kind of small and scared and unable to feel true joy for others or peace for ourselves.
Let’s see.
When a friend (or “a friend”) mentions that she’s received a promotion at work, her son won an award at school, she’s just bought her third vacation home, or recently lost ten pounds . . . how do we feel? I know we say we feel happy for her, but how do we really feel? I think sometimes we really feel a little panicked. Like a determined bride at one of those terrifying Filene’s Basement wedding dress sales, we feel like our friend’s news means that now we have to run a little faster, push a little harder and get more aggressive in general. Because if our friend is getting extra money, approval, admiration, and general blessings . . . that must mean there are fewer of those things less left over for us. And how do we feel when one friend gossips about another? I know you probably don’t respond this way because you are lovely, but a little secret part of me always thought . . . “SCORE. Less respect for gossip victim, more respect for me.”
Like an author I love once wrote, some of us believe that there is a “cosmic pie” and a bigger piece of goodness for you means a smaller piece for me.
A few years ago I got overwhelmed and consumed by jealousy and this made me feel all clenchy and small – so I decided to try believing in abundance. And it sort of looked like this: When a friend shared good news, and I started feeling jealous, I told myself — kindly and gently (which is the only acceptable way to tell yourself anything) — to cut it out because scarcity is a lie and the truth is that there is ENOUGH to go around. And so I went out of my way to build her up even more. I want the best for you, I’d think. I really, really want you to have everything you’ve ever dreamed of. And you guys, somewhere along the way, I started believing myself. I started believing that I was the type of woman who wanted the absolute best for everyone around her. I started believing that I was a woman who would help the woman next to me get whatever she dreamed of. I became a person who believes that the bigger I help you become, the bigger I become. The happier I help you become, the happier I become. The more successful, fulfilled and healthy I help you become — the more successful, fulfilled and healthy I become. So let’s get started!
What on Earth is cooler than THAT? Nothing. That’s just the best, most exciting. expansive, HUGE way to live. To not only believe in abundance, but to CREATE more of it. To quit fighting for a bigger slice of pie and just bake a bigger pie and invite everybody you know to share it with you. Nothing beats that. That’s POWER.
The thing is, when someone is bragging to you about money or accomplishments or yadda yadda, what she is really doing is asking you to see and love her. Maybe she’s not going about it the best way because she hasn’t learned yet that if we want love, it’s best to lead with vulnerability. She’ll get there eventually. For now, she’s just got this part of her that she believes is lovable in her hands and she’s holding it out to you and she’s saying: Will you see me? Will you love me? And so — as someone who knows that people are not good or bad, they’re just at different places along the path — you can be a translator and then say: “YES! Well done! I hope you get more wonderful things! You are loved! You deserve to be happy!” And then you can feel yourself expanding. Often we need to ignore the words people say and attend to their underlying, urgent, life or death questions: Am I valuable? Am I loved? The great thing is that the answer is easy: YES! The answer is always yes. We don’t have to think too hard.
The amazing thing about love and attention and encouragement and grace and success and joy is that these things are infinite. We get a new supply every single morning and so we can give it away all day. We never, ever have to monitor the supply of others or grab or hoard. There will be more in the morning and it will be enough. It’s like when my dad takes me out on the bay at dawn to watch the fishermen pour from their nets the thousands of fish they catch every morning. And I always think, MORE? Millions of fishermen have been at this for century upon century and there are still more fish? It’s like magic. Or, you know, God.


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89 Comments
Like when you really want to do a podcast interview with Glennon Melton because you love everything she says, but it seems like everyone else is getting an interview but you? That kind of jealousy?
I kid, because I love. No, we’ve never met but you are so important to so many. I’ll keep trying for a conversation and until then, I’ll keep reading your books and your posts and thanking the heavens you have helped so many women. <3
I struggle with this these days, the suburban “mommy olympics” only seem to get more competitive as the kids start applying to colleges. I try so hard to be patient and not get angry or defensive, but it’s harder each day. Especially difficult when the mom seems to think that the only way to build her child up is to broadcast her accomplishments far and wide. I’ll re-read this a few times and do my best to let it go and stay open-hearted. 🙂
I love this comment….it really is hard with the mommy wars. But having read this post, I’m going to try really hard to make sure that when another mom is telling me how awesome her kid is, I’m going to be so happy for her that her kid is awesome, instead of getting bugged inside that she’s telling me that my kid isn’t as awesome. Because, all kids are awesome. 🙂 And in the meantime, thanks for reminding me that other moms also feel stressed at the mommy wars. Maybe if we all realize that the mommy wars are stressful, we’ll put down our children weapons and just love each other. ❤️❤️
Oh. I so needed this. Working on a similar article and had to do an look-up on Google. Very glad I did.
Thank you.
Hey, is exactly 1year my lover came back to me, I’m letting you know how i got my ex back because this Christmas holiday everyone need there love ones around them not just your love ones but your lover, a year ago i was heartbroken and i knew i could not spend the holiday alone that is when i was looking for how i can make my lover come back to me so that we can make things right, to cut the long story short on a faithful day i came across the details i will be dropping on the internet, someone talking about how she got her ex back so i took this details I’m dropping via email: (((ekpentemple at gmail.com)) and i contact him and i told him that i want my lover to come back to me, today I’m with my lover. Thanks you Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE for the help.
Hello!
This resonated so strongly with me. I took a screen shot of the last 2 paragraphs so I can keep rereading it. I first learned about the culture of scarcity from Brene Brown and it helped me a lot to feel better and less anxious.
First, let me tell you a story. I got my masters and license in social work (clinical and non profit management) in 2008. I got laid off twice in a row during the next 2 years because of the economy. It wasnt personal, but I sure took it that way and acted like it was. I haven’t been able to get back in the field and have been working retail since.
For the next 3-4 years every sentence/ conversation I had with someone I managed to bring up a part of this previous experience.
When I read this about it was my way of looking for outside myself validation of love and worth. I wanted people to feel sorry for me and see that I was a victim. That I was smart. A hard worker. I had done the “right” thing.
Thank you so much for this new perspective and gift. It’s been about 2 years since I just stopped talking about it all the time. I made peace with what is and allowed myself to be okay. Your story gave me even more peace and context for how I’ll listen better to other people and myself.
Thank you Glennon. ❤️
OhmyGOSH how beautiful and exciting is this! I do have to remind myself of this from time to time, that there’s enough to go around. There’s enough for everyone. But I really love this: “If we want love, it’s best to lead with vulnerability.” Sometimes I’m not sure if vulnerability is TMI. I worry that I reveal too much. Getting back to my praise of this post, however…when you finally find a way of thinking that works for you, it is a damn beautiful thing. When it clicks, it is pure beauty. I do love you, G, and I do want success for you!!
Hi Glennon
I only just recently found your blog (and wish I’d found it much, much sooner). It has taken me quite a few days to work through how I felt about this post. I can tell you it touched a really deep nerve for me. You see, my husband has been self-employed for the past 10 years, and it has been HARD. For the first two years we earned nothing, except the toilet paper and laundry degergent he was able to bring home from work. We were broke, but we were clean! We ended up having to move out of our house and live with hubby’s parents, and then house sit for friends. We could not afford to stay where we had been.
Throughout my childhood scarcity was ingrained as a perspective from which to view the world. Throughout my adult live that perspective has been reinforced. You said “bake a bigger pie” and I am wondering if I will ever get to have a bite of it at all. I didn’t know, until I read this post, that scarcity was such a hot button topic for me. If coursee, that means some hard work ahead so as I was wrestling with this I ended up asking God “am I doing something wrong?”
For the first time in my life, I think, I have finally gotten quiet enough for God to speak his truth into my soul. Over the days since I read this post each of my bible readings from ‘Our Daily Bread’ have been answering my deepest questions. God told me I needed to seek his kingdom above all else, and that he would meet my needs. Later that day he showed me how this abundance thing really works. I offered to make lunch for a friend who was moving house so that she and her army of house movers could just focus on their task without worrying about what they would eat. I made sandwiches and muffins for 12 people. Out of what was in my house, apart from two loaves of bread. Really….I spent $4 and was able to feed everyone out of my pantry!!! Not only that, but there were 15 of us there that day and I watched those sandwiches stretch out. Every time I looked up I thought there wouldn’t be enough. And then someone would take another and there was enough. There was leftovers for afternoon tea. And I threw some out.
Loaves and fishes.
Thanks to your truth telling I am confronting my scarcity issues and God is showing me that I don’t need to carry that perspective with me. I can lay it down and pick up an abundance perspective. God did it to me again today. Grocery shopping day – no food in the house. Yet I could feed a friend and her daughter (my daugher’s best friend) with an abundant lunch when they dropped in unexpectedly to help my other daughter with some work for school.
Loaves and fishes.
I am looking forward to celebrating good things with others, instead of wondering when my bite of the pie will come. Things are tough with hubby’s business right now. Layer of financial pressure piling up and I am waiting on God for my first teaching position (career upgrade for me).
God is an abundant God.
Crashing the gender party.. this is MOMastery, not DAD or GUYastery. A very kind soul gives me this and I dog-ear pg 95 because I read it over and over so many times. I hate dog-earing pages and role reversal irony even more, and 10 years of trying to connect/communicate. No intimacy without. All do and go and do and go but no lets just BE. How thick can mask and armor be, or the hurt underneath. God you are really flipping me the challenge and I am tired of offering my heart over and over and getting it kicked to the curb again and again. Thanks be for Glennon, you give me perspective and hope in the face of darkness.
What would happen if you believed that you are enough?
I have tried and I do believe that I am (now) enough. The difficult part is being older (63) and finding yourself unemployed (again) while having so many people remind me of all the gifts and talents I possess….surely I can make a living from my own abilities. Yet, that escapes me. I have been through the jealousy….even have had conversations with my very adult children about the difference between jealousy and envy trying to sort it all out. There are times when I feel both emotions to the extreme, so much so that I feel a heaviness in my heart because I feel like I constantly fail. Getting to “being enough” is not a short journey. It is a twisting road with many hurdles for “enough” touches every facet of who we are to our spouses, our friends, our parents, our children, our neighbors….but most importantly to ourselves. I do believe that I AM enough but the challenge is believing that even in light of that, the rest of my world believes it too. Jealousy is tough to overcome when life feels like it always hits you over the head…..envy is easier to understand and deal with. Being enough is an ongoing journey of my spirit.
Spot on. Wow. Spot friggin on.
I usually only feel bad if its something thats mine. like my ex husband gets a new wife and my children are with her. well technically im not jealous bc kind of mad. everything else can be replaced, but when someone obtains something I will never have well thats when jealousy is a problem. otherwise ill just get my own. its not jealousy if you can get the same thing..thats kind of stupid..you should just work for your own stuff. its only when you CANT or its irreplaceable that jealousy is an issue.
I SOOOOO needed to read this. I hate this about me. I hate that I get jealous and clenchy in my jaw and chest when I hear good news from….get this, a relative! Someone in my family whom I really do love. But this persons needs to tell me a lot about her life…..many things that I have already experienced and been through and is seems unreal to me that she doesn’t know that I already know, but now I know why. I must not be making her feel seen and loved enough and I can love her more now that I know this. Thank you. And I really want you to be our president…:)
Hi Glennon,
Is there a way to email something to you?
There is a family here that needs our help. I would like to send you a link but I don’t know how.
Thanks,
Leeann
OMG!!! Were you looking in my windows again? Just yesterday…less than 24 hours ago, I was at a family gathering. One of my sisters announced that she just got a $10,000/year promotion at work, and my other sister drove her brand spanking shiny new SUV over to show it off. Both notable accomplishments, and I am so very happy for both of them, they both deserved it. But, as I sat there, tears brimming my eyes, I had mixed emotions. I am the oldest of us three, and at 50, I am starting over after losing my job of 31 years, getting paid less than my 25 year old daughter is getting paid. My husband is disabled, but bringing in less than most homeless people make. I felt worthless and became slightly angry at life’s injustices. I didn’t want any less for my lovely sisters, but the question kept popping up in my mind “What in the world have I done wrong to be dirt poor at the end of the road??” Time for the pity party! Your post today slapped me across the face (thank you, no marks were left) and you are right (as always, my precious Glennon). Yes we are poor, but we are making it. We don’t have a car payment or a house payment, which makes driving our beater that much more special and we love our home so much that traveling doesn’t interest us. I finally have time and patience to fulfill my dream of opening my own stained glass business part-time. Most of all, I am happy. Happy with my marriage, happy for my family, happy that I am at the end of the road because I don’t EVER want to start over with life again like I did. I’ve lost a lot, but I have my health and finally found the love of my life. What more could I ask for right? Thank you dear lady. You pulled another iron out of the fire here!
Starting a stained glass business sounds heavenly!!
It is heavenly!! I call it my drug of choice…a very cathartic hobby.
This was so important for me to read. I have always struggled with a self-imposed sense of competition, but there is enough for everyone! I needed to be reminded of this goodness! Thank you.
Thanks for sharing! I feel in each situation I want to respond as Jesus would (not that I always do). I want to share all of me the lesser and the abundant!
You can not discount these findings for certain. They demonstrate a thorough idea of the concepts.
We will have where this ultimately guides
Thank you, Glennon, for the encouragement! Your words are excellent reminders that God will and wants to give good things to us.
Dearest Glennon,
How I love your place and your wisdom, and this is such an important topic. But I am so afraid that people will (and have) misperceived your last paragraph about bragging and will hestitate to share their joys out of a fear that it will be considered “bragging.” Joy and happiness are contagious–hearing other people’s happy moments is what sustains me and gives me hope when life feels too overwhelming. When I listen with my heart, I can absorb those happy feelings, which is a balm to my soul. Just like when a friend shares her sorrows, my heart breaks for her–friendships share joys and sorrows.
One cannot escape those clenchy thoughts of jealousy, even if we avoided every friend with good news. Any magazine or television show can trigger thoughts how our looks are not as together, our homes are not as uncluttered, or our families are not as polished. Talking about your parents or children or pets to somebody who lost theirs can cause that same jealous reaction.
Take a deep breath in–and out–and feel how cleansing and good that feels. For me, the thing that could make me jealous at one time was not money or a promotion–it was the fact that most people never have to think about the fact that being able to take that deep breath–or any breath–is an amazing blessing. As a child, I never thought I’d live to become an adult based on my asthma. There were times that I woke up with in the middle of the night such horrible asthma attacks that I couldn’t get enough air into my airs to cry for my parents’ help and could barely get to their room because I had no air. While new medicine makes my asthma better, I still have to be careful of how strongly I laugh with friends because laughter triggers asthma attacks. I have a young daughter who has a less severe case of asthma, but like me, cold air, sickness, exercise, and laughter trigger her asthma too. It broke my heart the year that she wrote to Santa to take away her asthma–a letter I still have by my bed.
I say this because I grew up wishing I had something that everybody else has but never really appreciates. And perhaps it changed how I view jealousy. It is easy to wish your friends were in a similar state to you in terms of money, approval, or the like, but with health, you never want your friends in a position where they struggle to breath–to live. And it puts things like money or looks or popularity/approval in perspective a little more.
But we have both reached the same end result–to overcome jealousy, you turn away from your own personal fear and wish more blessings on your blessed friends. Rather than focusing on yourself and what you want, you turn TO your friend’s happiness and joy and experience that feeling. How we experience a friend’s good news is subjective–and if it triggers jealousy, we are more likely to consider it bragging. But if that event has truly made them happy, the sharing of good news is a blessing and brings us their very happiness–the joy pie expands. We should be with our friends in joy and in sorrow. When we take their good news and feel inwardly sad, that is an indication and a sign that we are looking in the wrong direction and need to direct our attention outward away from ourselves.
Thanks. Comparison is the thief of joy and it robs us peace. Really enjoyed this. God truly has enough to go around!
The explanation of what people are really doing when they’re bragging is PERFECTION.
And the pie analogy makes complete sense to me, but I come at it from a little bit of a different angle…an angle that I have worked very hard to overcome. In high school, for example, if a short, curvy, blonde was described as pretty it meant I couldn’t possibly be pretty because I’m tall, thin, and brunette. If someone who was a fantastic painter was described as creative, it meant I couldn’t possibly be creative because I can’t even draw stick figures. It wasn’t that I didn’t think there was enough pie to go around, it was that my pie looked so different from everyone’s else’s that I had trouble appreciating it. Apple pie and pecan pie are easy to love…strawberry rhubarb is sometimes an acquired taste! 🙂
But apple pie and pecan pie look so different from each other, as well. A compliment for apple pie doesn’t mean pecan pie is any less delicious. And who wants a world of apple pies? But I think I see what you are saying–these feelings that cause us to doubt ourselves or feel jealous are never about what somebody else looks like or can do or has. It is more about whether we really have learned to love ourselves and appreciate our gifts. It would be like saying a mirror caused my negative feelings when I look in a mirror and feel ugly, instead of recognizing that I still need to work on self-acceptance and self-love.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, Meagan. So lovely of you to take the time!
Wow! Your thoughts and insight never cease to amaze me. You have been so blessed with the gift of writing. And personally, the timing on this could not have been more perfect. Thank you over and over again!
❤️ Thank you.
I am kind of a practical person. So when I think about being a better person or being a better Jesus follower, my first question is always, “Okay, but how?” Love God, Love People. Okay, but how do I actually do that? Because I like to make lists of things and cross things off and that is how I feel accomplished. That is how I do things. But I’ve discovered (and I think you’ve helped, because you’ve discovered the same thing it seems and I’ve been reading your words for a while now) that what you have to do is just be the better person. Fake it till you make it. Be happy for other people until you are genuinely happy for other people. Be patient until you actually are patient. Save money until you know how to save money. In everything, I’ve always wanted a formula, a check list, but that’s not how life is. You just have to do it. Be it.
Yes…this, such an amazing reminder! I starting implementing this same way of thinking a few years ago and I can’t believe what a difference it’s made. The universe is infinite, like you said, and there will always be more than enough to go around for everyone!
I rarely read any blogs with the word “mom” in it but I clearly was directed to read this today. I hate to admit I have a difficult time rejoicing with those who rejoice when they announce pregnancy or adoption news (or their child’s pregnancy or adoption news). I was hoping I would be more mature or at least immune to it by now. At 52 – I know motherhood is not in my future. And yes there are plenty of kids who need mothering and yes, I do sponsor a compassion child (and yes i’ve heard all the options).
I know a woman does not use her news to ask for love or attention as your article points out … But the helpful portion is that the pie CAN be bigger, albeit different for moms and non-moms who didn’t choose this status. God loves us all. I just need to ask God to deliver that bigger pie.
My New Year’s Resolution was More White Space but I am now adding Make More Pie. Awesome, awesome insight in this competitive, pinterest-y, and desperate for love world. Thank you!
Ugh, this is so good. And so needed. This summer, after 2 1/2 years of hunting, I finally found a permanent teaching position at a tiny Christian school. Not my dream job, but a real teaching job! About three weeks later, my best friend (who quit her teaching job to pursue her master’s degree, and spent a few months casually looking for a teaching job as she neared the end of her program) landed a kickass position at a great private school, making twice what she’d been making previously. She is pretty much set for life. I really struggled with some serious jealousy, even while I wanted so badly to rejoice for her. I can genuinely say now that I’m so happy for her, but it was difficult at first. It’s humbling and helpful to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this.
I may be the only who feels this way after reading these encouraging words, but my issue is less about believing that there isn’t enough and more about wondering if I will ever get a bite of the “pie.” Perhaps that’s why I sometimes feel jealous or wonder, “Why not me? Will I get my share?” I just started blogging this summer and am smack dab in the middle of my first book, and pretty much every other day, I want to throw my arms up in surrender, stop writing, and announce it’s all been done before. No story is new. My story doesn’t matter. When I see you and Jen and Sarah, I’m inspired and exhausted. I know I want to have a piece, too, but I begin to doubt I will. I don’t know, maybe it’s not just about abundance. Maybe it’s also about availability. We have an immense amount of wealth just in our country. The pie is big, but the pieces vary. Also, maybe I’m just reading this in the middle of an existential crisis wherein I’m being dramatic. Either way, thank you for being kind and brave and encouraging. I always love reading your posts.
I’m reading a book about Jesus right now and in the beginning the author talks about how his friends kept asking him, “really, is there any more to write about Jesus???” His response was my favorite. (And I’m not quoting because the book is at home….) He said something like: All I can do is introduce people to the Jesus I know. And the only way I can do that is to tell my story.
Your story is always important and unique. Introduce us to you. You always matter.
Awesome! I needed to hear all of this!!
There’s a book called “Every Bitter Thing is Sweet” by Sara Hagerty and she talks about that a lot – not having a problem believing that God is good, but believing that God is good *to me*. It’s a wonderful memoir and, as someone who struggles with that question often, I highly recommend it.
I. Love. This.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about abundance and life.
It seems like much of our society is built upon competition and becoming our individual best (which often means leaving people on the side as we climb).
It feels hard to balance encouraging ourselves to do our best and to be our best and still remember that a large part of being our best includes giving a hand to others who are struggling up the path.
The thing is, I believe wholeheartedly in abundance and that there actually IS enough for everybody. But I’ve been taught, for so long, that there is not. It’s hard to fight against that. So, it starts with us, I suppose? Teaching not just ourselves, but our next generation of littles that there truly is enough?
I think that will work. Or at least, I believe it will. Lots of love and lots of abundance has to spill out into the world eventually, right?
This is so good! But what does one do about a real braggart who perhaps is struggling with issues of pride in their life? If I just continually affirm him in his bragging, isn’ t that encouraging the destructive pattern of pride in his/her life?
To approach directly — try to teach him to be less prideful — is unlikely to work. But if he feels loved and accepted, he may lose the need to brag. That’s about all you can do, anyway.
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve been struggling with this for some time. I know others are just sharing good news but I get all twisted up and bitter inside. I try to mentally talk myself out of those feelings and pray about it but it’s still a struggle. I hate feeling that way.
I like your words and the way you put them together…keep doing that kay?
This made me smile:). I have always found genuine joy when my friends’ kids or nephews accomplish something really great. I don’t think it takes away from my own kids in the least.
Of course–I am an extremely competitive person by nature–so when it comes to myself and other adult women–I have really worked at shooting down the green-eyed monster. Getting there. I do despise gossip and drama.
Oh, I am so guilty of slicing myself open to let the urgency to do better spill out, only to have it turn me entirely inside out and be one giant nerve of hurt and fear.
This was such a calm, non-threatening, talk-us-down-from-the-ledge kind of letter. Thank you. Off to share it.
That is so perfectly said. I know that I’m guilty of comparing myself to others and feeling jealous or superior–it’s such an awful habit that I’m really trying to kick in 2015.
You’re so right about abundance and the concept that one person’s success doesn’t diminish or preclude our own. And, being happy for someone else is a wonderful way to approach life. I find that happiness breeds happiness and sometimes if I tell myself to just see a situation positively, simple as it sounds, I can actually change how I feel about that person or event. There’s a lot of power in having an uplifting attitude. Thank you for this reminder!
Talk about perfect timing (or perhaps grace). This was exactly what I needed to read right now.
I recently received the news that a family member, her husband and their children will be moving to live in another country. My immediate gut reaction was jealousy. Their exciting adventure made me feel that my own life was boring and unadventurous, somehow ‘small’. That’s ridiculous because just the DAY BEFORE we heard the news, my hubby and I had woken up early and as we waited for our little one to wake, we sat drinking tea for over an hour, talking about how lucky we were and counting our blessings. Nothing about our lives had changed in those 24 hours so why did someone else’s change in circumstances make me re-evaluate my own?
I needed this little reminder to nudge me back into touch.
Thank you
Sharon (UK)
This is so great. I have this horrible habit of feeling like I need to ignore people who brag about themselves because I unconsciously feel like I don’t want to encourage their behavior. Sometimes I struggle even to make eye contact with them. Thanks for calling me out on this. It’s not about encouraging or not encouraging their bragging, it’s about letting them know that they are enough and are loved.
I do exactly the same thing – felt like I should ignore those who brag, try not to acknowledge boastful remarks or posts, etc. Always thought I should not encourage “their” pride. I didn’t see that my own pride could also be at play there. Wow.
This post is amazing and exactly what i needed to hear! Glennon – thank you for being YOU. i am going to practice this every day with my friends. THANK YOU – THANK YOU.
Exactly and amen. This is so lovingly said. I’m usually glad when my friends (and especially my family) get good things because it reminds me that good things are possible, and that maybe I’ll get good things, too. The only times I’ve been jealous have been when someone grabby gets a good thing that I really, really, REALLY want, because I hate grabby. But I remind myself to just let them grab, while I wait to take gently from God’s hand.
Love, love, love this post. Just yesterday I was at lunch with two girlfriends who I don’t see very often, one of whom was talking about all her son’s accomplishments in the “best” company of its type in the city… and I knew in my gut that she was wanting to be seen. I shared that my mom is depressed and an alcoholic… and that gave her permission to share that she is going a bit crazy now that her mom is living with her, how guilty she feels for not spending more time with her. And of course that allowed us to really see her. You and Brene Brown have taught me how powerful vulnerability is… how it can be scary, but if I take a risk, it gives me what I truly need.
You are awesome for offering her so much grace with your vulnerability. It is such a gift to be able to be happy and sad, full and empty with our friends.
Aaaargh, I’ve gone temporarily blind from all the light bulbs going off in my head!! Thank you thank you thank you for this post. I’ve been clenchy and small and it’s not nice. This is now my favourite = post along with ‘Quit pointing your avocado with me’.
Freudian slip! That should have been ‘at me’. Glennon’s magic at work 🙂
😀
Hi G. I have been reading your blog for a few months – it was recommended to me when the grief of losing my mom was too much to handle. See, I lost her the week she was set to move down the street from me, a move we made in preparation for eventual grandchildren, and so that my husband and I could take care of her as she got older. She’d just retired, six weeks earlier, and was somewhat ready to start her new life (who is ever truly ready for that?) When I got the call that I needed to be with her, that we could have anywhere from two hours to two weeks, my world collapsed. Toward the end of those two weeks, as she lay in hospice, I took a pregnancy test and discovered I would be helping bring the most precious little boy into the world nine months after she passed away. Grandchildren were her dream. She used to bring them up and I would roll my eyes and blow her off, but God’s timing, and her gift to me, demanded that I be ready for life as a mom myself.
A bit off-topic, and I apologize for that, but to get back to the point, I read this and knew in my heart that I needed to reframe. How does one stay happy for the friends with new babies that have built-in babysitters in the form of mothers or mothers-in-law? (We lost my MIL about 18 months before my mom) How can I smile when I hear that they’re “finally” able to take another week off and just be alone with their husbands because the grandparents are taking over? How can I not covet their freedom and romance and opportunity? I even covet the little fights they have with their mothers, part of me wishing for just one more mother/daughter row, and part of me glad that they’re not 100% happy with what they have. It is a near-daily struggle, and as I watch friends find their soulmates and move toward a place of having children, I anticipate more of that horrible envy.
This post is like an open door on that cage. Joy and love are not a pie. We do not have to fight over the last piece because we have a God who does not believe emotions are finite. There is always more, and there is always enough.
Thank you for admitting the feelings we don’t always want to own. And thank you for your honest thoughts, day after day.
Liz,
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I can relate to what you wrote. I fought my nearly daily struggles for years, as I watched friend after friend and co-worker after co-worker welcome multiple children into their lives, and brothers and sisters for their first born children. Due to an autoimmune condition that developed shortly after the birth of my only child, I was unable to have a second child. And the pain I felt only intensified every time someone told me that they were expecting a child. It was heartbreaking – the anger I felt, the jealousy and the sadness.
5 years after the birth of my daughter, a co-worker announced she was having a baby. And for the first time, I was honestly happy. I did not cry and I did not go to that dark place. And I remember thinking, okay – maybe I am at a turning point. This is good. This feels good!!
I hope that your pain can somehow lessen, as mine did. Its never gone. I will always have this wound. I still have guilt that I was never able to give my daughter a sibling. But it has decreased with time. And I can embrace better feelings, instead of clinging to bad feelings. And I can work on being happy for others for their good fortune, remembering my wonderful daughter and how fortunate and blessed I am to have a child at all. Trust that with time, your pain will lessen also. hinking of you –
Oh Liz. I lost my mom as well and she never met our youngest son who looks just like her and is smart as a whip and I agonize over the woman who have both mil and mom to help them. It’s a constant struggle. I pray every single day that I didn’t feel angry and clenchy and mean and just beaten. I’m glad I’m not alone.
Wowza! I have been reading your blog for quite some time now and nothing has quite hit me like this post, and you’ve posted some amazing stuff. I’ve known for a while that one of my main spiritual gifts is exhortation. And I’ve kind of scoffed at it, big deal. It’s not prophecy or speaking in tongues, not that I’ve ever wanted to speak in tongues, but I digress…I had forgotten that building people up is huge and like you said ” I started believing that I was a woman who would help the woman next to me get whatever she dreamed of.” This is no small calling. Thanks for the reminder, Glennon. You rock.
Envy is a terrible thing. It has been observed that most people don’t realize we all have our own special set of problems and acquiring things in life does not make them go away. I’ve witnessed so much pain caused in the lives of others because of jealousy. In my fashion modeling days there was a stunningly beautiful girl who was tried and convicted by her peers of being too beautiful. No matter how hard she tried to be accepted there was no help for her. Men saw only her beauty. She sought love and rejected any benefit coming her way from men because of her beauty. She ended up friendless. Men rejected her because she wouldn’t “cash in” on her beauty and women treated her as if she was cashing in on it. Rumor was that she was a slut. She was one of the most virtuous among us.
Another male friend was tried and convicted of being rich. His riches brought him little happiness because he was rejected by those with less every where he ventured in life. We should be kinder to those around us.
Kindness will save our planet. Love is the answer and until we develope it for others we will never have peace in this world.
No human being with problems ever got that way all by themselves.
I have no words for how powerful your words are Glennon. You speak to all of our hearts in such a unique and beautiful way. Your words and topics have a way of pushing my reset button and of helping me to remember what is real and important in this life and to never forget to see God in everything. You are like an angel to so very many of us and I have no doubt that God is working directly through you and using you to help us reach him. Thank you. Love and abundance to you.
I’ve been highly anticipating your words of encouragement in this new year, and I wasn’t disappointed. I am coming to rely on your marvelous, honest insights and I plan to share this one with my teenage girls, who seem to need this message as much (if not more) as any of us. Raising teenagers has been a kick in the teeth lately, dealing with things I honestly didn’t believe I would have to deal with in my family like eating disorders and sexual activity at a young(ish) age. I’m not sure why I thought we’d be immune, except maybe because I’m ill-equipped to deal with them. But to keep going with your post today, God is enough to handle all of this too. Thank you for brightening my day and giving me positive things to work on!
AYmn. I am in the exact place with my teen. 3.8 student. Class president. Recently in total meltdown and rebellion despite all my efforts to keep her grounded. And total lack of awareness and help from her dad. I honestly feel like I, a two-degree educator ,am barely holding on to my teen in this tug-of-war with society. My hands and heart are literally raw from the effort. And like you, I somehow thought we would evade much of the drama and trauma because I DO know the playing field so well. Sending you hope and strength. It is exhausting some days.
I love all your words of wisdom. One of the things I say to myself over and over is ” I have everything I need” (in the book The Last Lecture). But What if someone’s happiness is based on their lies. I called out the lie, the person felt humiliated, now I feel bad. Was I just too worried that their happiness based on lies took away from me? Yes. Maybe it is better to live quietly in my world where “I have everything I need”…
This is such a treat to read. I keep wrestling with the verse, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep”. Trying to teach my 6 kids to do this with eachother means I want to grown in this area and it is a GIFT to hear this and how it fleshed out in your life. He really is our shepherd and really does give us everything we need. I just have to keep re-learning that to get my heart to swallow what my head has memorized. Your writing helps with that!
Oh, so true! I love the words: ” quit fighting for a bigger slice of pie and just bake a bigger pie and invite everyone to share a slice of it!” My Word for 2015 is ‘ENOUGH’ so I know God had you post this just for ME! (And I’m so glad everyone else gets to enjoy it too!) I live an abundant life, there isn’t room for envy, wanting, comparing, hungering, buying, hoarding…I want to GIVE from the more-than-enough that I have. You encourage me. Thank you.
I love this piece, as I do your other posts. You have such wisdom and a lovely way of sharing it. Thank you for sharing it with the world!
Re: this topic, I do think, especially in this day & age of Facebook that jealousy is even easier to succumb to. I struggle with it, too, more at some times in my life than others.
I have a question on the flip side, though. “when someone is bragging to you about money or accomplishments or yadda yadda, what she is really doing is asking you to see and love her… she’s just got this part of her that she believes is lovable in her hands and she’s holding it out to you and she’s saying: Will you see me? Will you love me?”‘ What about sharing either your accomplishments (or those of a child) with your closest friends? I get that going around crowing, “My son just got an xx score on the ACT, he’s got straight As and also just won “xx” major award, etc.” is obnoxious. But often when I get together with two of my dearest friends, who’s sons have some struggles my son doesn’t, I stay silent about how well my son is doing, what he’s up to, etc. because I don’t want to be seem like that braggy-friend. I’m way more likely to share that he’s been mean to his sister than to say he won a competition. This feels like it creates distance in the friendship because I’m not sharing important things in my life w/ friends I’m very close to. Where’s the balance with being able to share exciting things with close friends vs. being sensitive to issues that could create jealousy?
Jillian,
I have struggled with a similar thing (the not sharing or downplaying). You say these are close friends – have you ever thought about sharing with them what you just did with all of us? I have learned that leaning in to the hard and uncomfortable is, well, hard and uncomfortable but the payoff is real intimacy and deep relationships. Good luck and many blessings to you!
Thanks; you’re right of course. With one friend I have shared my worries and she assures me she wants to hear what’s going on in my life; good/bad, etc. The other friend, you are right I should probably put on my big-girl panties and talk to her about it.to find out what her feelings are about it. It’s definitely a matter of sensitivity and awareness of when is a good time to share and when isn’t.
I don’t know… I think the reason this post resonates with so many people is that we’ve all felt those feelings of jealousy. And it does feel icky, like a little inner toxin. Even when the feelings are understandable if contrasted to a personal struggle one’s had.
It’s all a balancing act, right? To share our good news with those that matter in a sensitive, gracious, authentic way vs. declaring how awesome we are to everyone in our world (real out-there bragging) as well as figuring out how to get past our own feelings of jealousy if someone “gets” something we want, so we can feel joy for them with an open heart.
This is just what I wanted to ask. I hate that I have to feel like I am always censoring myself because I am so afraid that people are going to take what I am saying as bragging or just feel bad b/c they didn’t have the same good experience. I have lived an incredibly blessed life and I know I didn’t do anything to deserve the good things I have that any of my friends didn’t do too. I wish that there was a way to phrase the good stuff so that they would know I have no wish to make them feel bad or say that I am so great, I just want to share and maybe even help them learn from my experiences? Also, I wish that they would tell me what I do make them feel bad, I find myself reliving certain conversations and thinking, “Oh, no! What if they thought I meant ______? I hope they didn’t take it like that, but if they did, I bet I made them feel like crap. Is it too late to take it back? How could I fix it?” etc. If I knew I had messed up, at least I could make amends at the time.
I responded a little above and Stephanie has good wisdom, too. If the people you are concerned about sharing with are good friends, then talking to them is best. Especially if you ever have a “Oh no” moment. Hopefully if you ask them if something you said inadvertently hurt them, they would know they could talk to you about it.
As for the “help them learn from my experiences”, I’m not sure what you meant there, but probably best to ask if they want advice before giving advice. Sometimes people just want to talk and not be fixed. And sometimes, they just have to work their way toward solutions at their own time/pace. But, sometimes they DO want help working through an issue and when they ask for it, that’s when to offer your thoughts on how you’d handle a situation.
From my perspectacles, please don’t stop sharing your joy–even with not-so-close friends. To me, joy and happiness is contagious and when I am not feeling so good about myself or things are not at their best, I desperately need to feel somebody else’s joy so I can live vacariously through them for a moment and feel their joy, their pride, their happiness. There is such a difference, to me, between bragging and sharing joy–you feel the positive feelings, the happiness.
There is a lye being taught, and it”s that abundance brings you happiness. Abundance teaches you gluttony, it”s the obecity of the financial world. God intends us to; be at peace, live in contentment of what he provides, be greatful for what we have (even if it”s a little) and to love one another. Abundance teaches you self reliance, selfishness, and greed. Having more doesn’t make you happier.
I took away that she was speaking more about an abundance of mercy, grace, and love. The more we lavish others with these, and hope for the best for them, the more we recognize how much the Father has lavished us with His mercy, grace and love. Once we see that, it does bring peace and joy.
My daughter just illustrated this a couple of days ago. She is in her first year of middle school–first round of semester exams just before Christmas. She earnestly prepared and worked very, very hard, and she earned an A on her math exam. She was so excited–the exam was challenging.
The next day she came home with her light a little dimmer…she found out that a classmate actually scored a 102 on the same math exam, and she was sad. ARGH…she worked hard for her grade and did so, so well…I hated to see her face change after she learned the other score the next day. Envy starts early. We talked a lot about celebrating the achievements of others, so it was a good opportunity for tween conversation. She gets it, but she realizes it takes work…as it does for all of us.
Susan,
What your daughter experienced is what is called ‘The Hidden Curriculum’. When classes are set up to be graded on a curve, the system is set up to be competitive. Everybody can’t get an ‘A’ – and they don’t. We learn that the winners win at the expense of the losers. In a class of 30 kids, we are statistically ‘losers’ the vast majority of the time – even when we perform very well. This is the elephant in the room that we don’t talk about much in education, but is with us every day of our school career – especially in middle and high school. Your daughter is very lucky you were there to help her reframe this and make the awareness conscious – that makes all the difference!
#CarryOnWarrior!
Glennon…..you are one smart woman!
I try and learn from feelings of jealousy. Usually its a good way to determine what we want in life. It isn’t always easy, but beats sitting there feeling sorry for myself.
“Am I valuable? Am I loved? The great thing is that the answer is easy: YES! The answer is always yes. We don’t have to think too hard.”
Sometimes, though, you live with or are even married to someone who has made it their mission (maybe subconsciously) to get you to believe otherwise; and sometimes their message prevails.
All the more reason to make sure that I put forth the effort to raise up the people around me. Who knows what kind of message is being handed to them by a close loved one.
Also, all the more reason to listen to what God tells me about myself and to believe Him above all others!
Thank you Glennon. You came into my life at just the precise time I needed you. Your words and Instagram posts inspire me/make me laugh daily. Two of my daily goals met.
I am thinking of stapling this to everything in my house. Because I need to read it over and over and over again. Thank you for speaking exactly what I needed today.
Love this post……pretty much love everything you write. You always show it in such a gentle way. Thank you for that. Like that crazy lovable Bob Goff says
“Love has the kind of power, criticism only wishes it had.” Have an awesomely blessed day!!
Glennon – thank you for always being brave enough to lead and model for us vulnerability. I hate this jealousy in me and love framing it in this new perspective. Not sure why we all think that there is such a small pie of goodness when we know our God is the God of abundance and grace – yet we get sucked into the competition of the world. I choose love and I choose “to cut it out because scarcity is a lie and the truth is that there is ENOUGH to go around”
Love to you thanks for your time.
PS – love the “check the box to confirm you are NOT a spammer” – like a spammer would Not check it – ha!
I love this part: ‘when someone is bragging to you about money or accomplishments or yadda yadda, what she is really doing is asking you to see and love her… she’s just got this part of her that she believes is lovable in her hands and she’s holding it out to you and she’s saying: Will you see me? Will you love me?”‘
When people brag, almost always it isn’t to make others feel bad. It is to show their own self-worth, and that means that they ARE vulnerable, even if it isn’t obvious on the surface. So yes, the loving response is to build them up. Tearing them down only makes them feel that they need to prove themselves harder.
Oh Glennon, how this speaks to me! Ironically enough, I drafted a letter to you awhile back about this very topic … and proceeded to never send it, because SHAME.
Frankly, you bring out the envy in me, and it’s horribly painful to admit because I want nothing more than to want the best for everyone all the time and be bubbling over with love and compassion and generosity and to never feel like a jealous, petty brat. And to feel that sour twinge of jealousy towards someone whose mission and work and warm-heartedness I adore is the WORST.
It’s hard not to feel lack when you’re living in it in every area of your life, but this is a lovely reminder to be gentle and kind and keep clinging to the knowledge that THERE IS ALWAYS ENOUGH. I believe it, I know it, I have total faith in the abundance of the universe … yet somehow I’ve still hung onto the notion of “not enough” in my own life.
I’m taking your words and running with them. Thank you thank you thank you for hitting me in the heart today.
Hi. I sometimes feel this way about Glennon, because I feel she us ME! Even my friends saycthis when I sahre her posts. We are so alike down to profession, life beliefs, sense of humor, theological perspectives, and excessively tender hearts. And I feel, not jealous OF her but disappointed in myself. Why didn’t I trust my gifts? I had many encouragers and some successes. Why didn’t I just start writing and sharing instead of forcing myself down the “safe” route with retirement, yada, Yada . I guess I can only try to see her actions as my guidance and just keep trying! Best of luck and “abundance” to you. 🙂
Amen! Me too. So well put. Thank you my friend whom I’ve never met but who lifts me up SO much. Wishing you a wonderful day.
I haven’t written before, but this is SO WONDERFUL!!!
I could feel my breath letting go and my spirit reviving as I read.
Glennon, you are so true and so loving… thank you, thank you.
I’m going to try thinking ‘abundance’ today…. Blessings… Bea
Thank you! It is always hard when someone gets great news, especially if it is news we are also waiting to hear, to not feel jealous. Thank you for the reminder that there is always enough!!