This article was originally published in the December 2014 issue of Family Circle magazine.
It was the first Christmas our broken family would be spending in two homes instead of one. We were in pain from the separation, but desperately determined to fake holiday cheer for the children. That’s why my husband, Craig, showed up one night carrying a tree.
It was the ugliest Christmas tree I’d ever seen—half dead, droopy, with brittle needles that hit our tile floor like a steady rain. I wondered if he’d chosen what had to be the worst tree in the lot on purpose. Still, Craig made hopeful noises while arranging the frail branches and I allowed my silence to speak for itself. Then I left the room because witnessing this awkward scene hurt too much. Even the Christmas music playing in the background sounded hollow and desperate.
As I kissed the kids good night, there was a crash. I ran back to the living room to find the tree had fallen and Craig standing there frozen, sweat streaming down his face. Ornaments were scattered and shattered. I melted into the wreckage, picking up the smashed keepsakes I’d assumed would be passed down to my grandchildren. I begged Craig to find the superglue while I desperately tried to piece random glass shards into something recognizable. My 10-year-old son, Chase, walked in and his eyes widened and filled with tears. I wiped my own tears, plastered on a smile and said, “Everything’s fine! Everything’s just fine!”
And with that—with that “everything’s just fine”—something shifted and I was able to see clearly what I was doing on the floor and to my family. I was trying to un-break broken things. I was trying to force my family and my life backward. Back into the “perfect family” box that I’d built of Christmas Card Families and holiday commercial homes. But we couldn’t move backward and we didn’t fit in that box anymore. Instead we were stuck. And the only way to get us unstuck was for me to let us be what we were: a little busted-up but still a family.
People change and relationships change and that means that families change, homes change and holidays change. When we hold tight to what once was, when we refuse to make new traditions and instead try to un-break broken things, we miss out on both the beauty of what is and the hope of what might one day be.
I handed a broom to Craig and a dustpan to Chase and we swept up the shards. Then Chase and I drove to the drugstore to buy boxed cookies and two-dollar tinsel. We giggled on the way, a little bit thrilled to be out past bedtime in our jammies. When we got home, Craig and the girls were waiting—sleepy, curious and snuggling on the couch. We turned up the music and redecorated our ugly tree together. Everyone seemed happy.
After we were done, we curled up on the couch and let our tree be lovely in its own way. And I decided to let my far-from-perfect family be lovely in its own way too. Maybe my kids didn’t need perfect. Maybe they just needed Craig and me to keep showing up and proving to them that there is always beauty to be found in the messes of family and home.
This holiday we will be under one roof again. We’ve been pieced back together with the superglue of hope and stubbornness and luck. But though we’re reunited, nothing will be perfect. We’ll admire our tree and family with different burdens on our shoulders. And this is more than okay. That year taught us that there is no Perfect Christmas. It also taught us that middle-of-the-night cookies and ugly-tree decorating might be a tradition worth keeping—forever.
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52 Comments
Thank you for posting this! It was exactly what I needed to hear, especially so close to Christmas!
Thank you for your hopeful comments. I am trying to muster the courage to leave my spouse after a very long marriage. He is verbally abusive, has anger issues and doesn’t help financially. He is very active in the kids lives but very possessive and controlling. I am not perfect either and share in the blame for this marriage’s demise. I don’t know how to do this…he doesn’t have enough income to live on his own so would have to stay in the home until he figures it out. I don’t think he believes I will ever divorce him because that would mean not being with the children half of the time. I know they are aware of our issues because he is very loud about it. I want to be a good example for them but I am scared of his reaction when I tell him. I am trying to take it all one day at a time but some days are really hard.
Susie, I understand how you are feeling. Three years ago, I left my husband, who was verbally and physically abusive. I was with him for 28 years, having started dating at 15. His anger over they years got worse and then the sporadic bouts of physical violence began. The last time he broke 3 of my ribs in front of my then 12 year old daughter. I honestly thought I would stop breathing when I left with my 2 daughters. He had been my life and I couldn’t imagine being on my own. I won’t lie, at times it was hell and I think I must have cried a dam’s worth of tears. Three years on, I’m doing good and my daughters and I have a freedom I would never have believed existed. We are not walking around on eggshells, having to keep the house immaculate at all times. We can laugh, make a mess and not live with constant condemnation. You deserve this too Susie. Show your children that you are worth far more!!
this gives me so much hope as i sit in my holiday mess.
Dear G,
Thank you. For being so real and bringing the hard parts of life to the surface so we can talk about them every day. This time of year is so so so hard for me. In 2000 I lost my mother to cancer – she absolutely loved Christmas and brought it to life every year. Four years ago my aunt (my mom’s sister) lost her battle with cancer, after my mom passed away she was my lifeline – especially when Christmas came around. After my first son was born I lost my job and bought second hand Thomas trains online. She walked in the door and there I was trying to wrap each one individually. Still with her coat on, she grabbed a larger box, layered the trains with tissue and wrapped the box, tied a very impressive bow and saved me from myself. I was overwhelmed with it all and trying to bring the magic to life, she led me down the path of simplicity without losing the magic I was desperately seeking. The thing is, I adore this time of year and really want it to be special. More importantly I want to be “there”. For my kids. AS a kid. Now as an adult that hosts the holiday, the part that overwhelms me is the food – all of it. Planning menus, preparation, clean-up. It’s expensive and time consuming — I am constantly trying to find ways to not be in the kitchen. My husband and two boys (age 4 and 6) are great, but they cannot fill the void of my mother and aunt who helped (with words of encouragement or sending food) when needed. Boy, do I miss them. Additionally, my Aunt’s one wish was for me to keep up with her one son that’s single and a bit of a challenge to get along with. So, my cousin will be joining us for Christmas and again this year (my nickname for him is “the prickly pear”). The strangest behavior is that he is entertained when people disagree and even makes things up to CREATE arguments. Ugh, who needs that? He also has some expectation that he is to be “served” as a guest because he is the eldest. Ugh, who needs that either? But, he is family, the kids love him, and he will be here in six days….which I was beginning to dread as he asked what I was making him for Christmas dinner. So, this brings me back to my issue with food preparation. This year my husband was given a wonderful Honey Baked Ham from a client at work. He was so excited he called me to let me know that I would have an easy week of food prep (yay!). But he rushed out of work on Friday and left it in the refrigerator in his office. When he went back on Monday it was gone. Gone. Apparently it was “clean out the frig” weekend and he didn’t know it. I cried. That ham was the symbol of me getting a break from dreaded food making. And it was a Honey Baked Ham…not any old ham, a really really really good ham! But, I read your story of the tree and broken ornaments, I can see this ham was a symbol of being broken. It took a few days, but today I woke-up and I started over. I will cook this week and let go of what was lost. I even emailed my cousin telling him when to arrive and depart, what to bring, and that he was expected to behave and help with food.
Thank you for speaking up and encouraging every one of us to start over each day.
Love really does win, and it feels good!
Merry Christmas!
Xoxox,
Margaret Brown
My goodness, Margaret your story really got to me…”Still with her coat on, she grabbed a larger box…and saved me from myself.” I feel this with all my heart. Thank you for keeping that cherished memory alive and sharing it with us.I miss my Grandma so much. She would swoop in and save me with her simple, magical love. My adult children still talk about her Christmas cookies…and now I am just sobbing. It hurts so much but I want the pain because I got to love her and be enveloped by her simple magic for so many years. Such a gift. I want to give you her Scottish Shortbread recipe. It’s simple. Four ingredients: Cream 1cup softened butter and 3/4cup powdered sugar. Sift 1/3cup + 1Tblsp. cornstarch and 1 and 1/3 cup flour and a pinch of salt. Beat all together by spoon and pat into ungreased springform pan. Bake at 325 for 30 min. Lower oven to 275 for 20-30 min. more. When it’s golden, it’s done and the house will smell like Heaven. Cut while hot.
We don’t even have family traditions because my extended family refuses to relinquish control. I can’t win…if we try to do anything else, so much guilt is thrown at me, I’m miserable. My daughter is in college so there isn’t as much time for us to carve out our own celebrating. Next year I want to just take off and consequences be darned.
Christmas is so hard for me, esp this year again, after losing my aunt a few weeks ago. She and my grandma (who died 4 yrs ago) made Christmas so special, baking for weeks. If anyone saw Big Bang Theory this week…..when Amy gave Sheldon the cookies and he said it tasted like his memaw’s hugs….I lost it and sobbed for quite awhile.
I am so glad you and your family were able to get through that time. It’s rough for us this year…..so your words give me hope.
Do it! One year, my husband and kids and I took off, and it was wonderful! The next few years were back to chaos and guilt, but I know I can choose differently, and this year we’re taking off again.
Losing close family means that we have to learn how to do holidays differently. Sometimes that means saying no to the guilt and the undesirable pieces as a way of nurturing ourselves.
Interesting how it all turned into infedelity.
What the… WHAT?!?
That’s your response to her courage and candor? That’s heartbreaking.
I love everything you write! Having been through death, separation, reuniting, divorce, alcoholism, step-marriage, illness…and constantly changing locations, homes, schools, traditions and even family members as a child and young adult, all I can say is that the best gift we can give to our children is resilience and a sense of joy in the little things! Teach them that if we have a roof over our heads, food in our cupboards, clean water to drink, heat to keep us warm and a doctor to help us when we are ill, then we have more than 75% of the men, women and children on our planet! I learned at a young age that the only thing constant is change, that there is no such thing as “perfect”, and that humans and life can be complicated…and that’s ok! And like you said, late-night jammie rides for packaged cookies, broken heirlooms and imperfect trees are wonderfully memorable experiences…it’s all a matter of perspective! Happy Holidays!!
Oops…I meant to edit out the broken heirlooms part as that is never “wonderfully memorable”, but hit submit too soon!
Love love love you!
YOU. ARE. AWESOME.
Thank you Glennon. Beautiful post. It’s been a hard 3 years (6 years really) but I just keep showing up and doing the best I can. Trying to “un-break” things is my specialty so I lived reading your words tonight. I’m really trying to embrace my messy, broken, beautiful life for my 7 year old daughter who needs me to be present for her. Your posts always connect with me and make me feel a little less like an alien visiting this world where I don’t always fit in.
My amazing daughters and I are having our second post-separation Christmas. It is still so damn heartbreaking. Hoping and praying it will eventually get easier.
This really resonated with me. One year ago I decided to stop “showing up.” We got through the holidays as I’ve heard so many other warriors write, but then separated immediately afterwards. I learned a lot during that time. I learned that my husband is my family and I didn’t want to give up. We are “back together” and interestingly, the only thing that’s changed is me. I have a new commitment to keep on keeping on! Not a perfect marriage but this is my family.
My two darlings (12&9) and I just put up our tree, our 4th post-separation. And I am feeling pretty good about it for now. This article very much describes my feelings about my first post-separation Christmas, but without the reconciliation. And that’s okay. It does get better each year. Not the way it used to be, but in all honesty, that’s for the better too. For those getting through new firsts – just love your kids and yourself, and try to find reasons to smile.
Oh how I needed this today. I discovered some news about my husband over Thanksgiving weekend. I have no idea where to turn, how to sleep or even eat right now and one of my biggest worries is about the upcoming holidays. How can I ruin long standing holiday traditions for my daugthers? I’ve put on a plastic smile, I’m trying to move forward to just “get through Christmas” I don’t know what is to come in the next year for us, but I do know, our family and holidays will change and sometimes things need to fall apart before they can fall into place. But it sure is hard, and it sure does hurt.
I am praying for you Michelle…i am so sorry for what you are going through.
Michelle, I read your comment and my heart stopped. I, too, discovered something about my husband the day after thanksgiving and the days that followed. Through the help of our priest we are together right now but I’m not sure how this will end up either. I worry that he is just trying to get through Christmas or maybe even the next couple of years..for various reasons….so with that and all the other things we need to work through I face this year’s Christmas with a painful mixture of hope and uncertainty, joy and pain. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I hope you will do the same for me and mine.
Ha…me too. Just discovered that all the way through our 22-year relationship, my beloved husband has had a porn addiction. Now suddenly, everything has changed.
God please help us all.
As I read this my tree just got put up last night, still undecorated. Thanks for helping me see that maybe I have been holding on to the fantasy of my Christmas’ past and not looking at my Christmas present. Thanks for helping me see the “Beautiful” in my “Brutiful” life!
This will be my first Christmas in six years without Eleven (and two years ago, it was my family’s first after my dad left — he did come back but it’s not the same, is it?). Rebuilding tradition is just like rebuilding my life, just another way forward. My heart is with everyone who has done it before and will do it again.
Exactly what I need to hear….I thank you so much for sharing your perfect unperfect life and marriage! THANK YOU!
My favorite line in “Lilo and Stitch” is when Stitch says of Lilo’s family “It is little, and broken. But still good.” Thank you for the reminder that broken can be “still good”.
Goodness. The feels are feeling HARD.
My husband and I separated last night. I’m feeling pretty lost and confused right now… this post was incredibly timely – everything you write speaks right to my heart and gives me hope… thank you.
Saying a prayer for you right now Rachel. I’ve been there.
Sending you love & a big hug, Rachel! I was you four years ago when my ex left as ‘he was done’. There will be light and love again. You can do hard things. Keep breathing & hang in there. XX
Holding you in the light. <3 <3 <3
I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I separated Monday. It’s hard, it’s sad, but I’m trying, trying to carry on.
It was a week ago for me. We still put up the tree as a family on Thursday, but it was really, really hard. All for the best, but still hard.
We can do this ladies. Together we can do hard things. <3
Ours is impending. We are just going to “get through” the holidays with our children first. I can barely breathe much less smile. Trying so hard to believe that there will be light again.
Tears are falling for you Rachel. I am not separated but marriage is so hard. I will be praying for you.
Rachel, you will survive. One day at a time. I am four months into my husband leaving after 22 years of marriage. Some days are incredibly painful, but when I think I can’t do it any longer, something or someone reminds me of how strong I am. Give yourself compassion and grace daily.
Yes, it is hard. Yes, you will survive. I am 4 years out from leaving my (now ex) husband and it’s the first one where I truly feel the spirit of the season again. Just remember to breathe, each day, each moment… Just breathe. You will survive, and life is so much happier on the other side without the worry of being hurt or betrayed again! Xoxo
Rachel, 10 years ago my husband did not come home for 24 hours between Christmas Eve and Christmas day to be with someone else. We spent the next 5 years apart…While that day/Christmas was the hardest of my life (I also got 2 speeding tickets with my kids in the car on the way to my parent’s house for Xmas). It was the start of a new chapter of growth in my life that I wouldn’t take back! We’ve had a long and rocky road back together and realize our reality of our brokenness! The beauty is without cracks light cannot shine through….
I love you and am praying for a little light to come your way this Christmas!
XO
This is such divine choreography at work. Today I move into my new home. This now means my dream of keeping my family together and fixing all the broken things is over. I needed this post today. To know that new and scary and broken is okay. I won’t fake it and pretend it’s all okay. I’ll absorb the beauty of what is and love my kids and care for my broken family just as it is.
Wow. Very timely. I have had a really emotional day thinking about so many things and how I got here to this place and time in my life. 7 months ago my husband started his affair, 6 months ago I confronted him and let all the hurt and pain really begin. We are working to make our relationship better through therapy and it has gotten so much better. Almost better than it’s ever been, but it just brings me to my knees thinking about how we could have spent Christmas this year; in two homes with fake smiles and telling the kids ‘everything is fine.’ I’m not fine, but I’m better and I’m thankful for my family still being under one roof. It’s all so overwhelming sometimes.
Thank you for today’s post.
Wow…hang in there. I can’t imagine how hard the work is, but, praying the rewards come. Praying for you.
Thank you, darling G, for blazing this trail of vulnerability for so many. This is my first Christmas with our family separated under two roofs. Christmas is such an exposing time for what you have and what you wish you had. I’ve been openly sharing my struggle on Instagram and my blog and it’s a beautiful thing when pain unites us and brings us closer to people. And I’m being supported and loved by those people who I’ve allowed into the mess. Thank you for this post. You’re right- its a new kind of beauty. Thanks for pushing me to seek it out.
As always, your posts speak directly to me. My outcome, unfortunately, is different than yours, but I’m going to try and make my own new traditions this year. Moving forward…mess and all.
Me too, Lindsay.
xo
Me too Lindsey.
xoxoxo
Strength, courage and love to forage on in our new normal.
Me, too, Lindsey. The “new normal” and it is just fine. We’ve got this!
Thank you for sharing this. I really needed it today when nothing seems shiny and bright anymore. Our broken is different – learning to navigate the path of mental illness and trying desperately to find answers & get help for our 9 year old. But we are broken and messy and getting more broken and messier every day. And I really want to put my family back in the perfect little box it used to be in… especially now at Christmas. I am hoping we find our own super glue this year.
We too have a 9 yr old with a mental illness. We’re about 3 years into when things got really bad.
Sending prayers your way for an abundance of strength, peace, and wisdom.
trying so hard to hold things together here this year too with my husband unemployed, money quickly running out and nothing but fear for the future. thank you for reminding me and allowing me to let go of some of the things I thought I needed for Christmas to be “perfect”. with 4 young kids who really believe in Christmas and its magic, its so hard to be pretend to be “fine.” It is better to try and be real and enjoy that. there are still so many blessings.
Praying. In a similar boat, but waiting on a disability hearing & fighting “the posts that be” who keep stealing the money my husband makes to cover ashes old medical debt. Some days I don’t want to be shiny, but the 11-yr-old in the house (with Asperger’s) calls for spirit in these times, no matter how low I feel or how frustrated I might be with my husband (who trends to wait until it’s too late to try to “fix” things. See if there’s an organization that can help somehow with Christmas to make sure the kiddos get toys. Decorate some to make a festive mood, & put on your best brave face. But keep it real some too. That’s what I do. ♡
When I was reading the first two paragraphs I thought “couldn’t they make it work if the husband had it in him enough to bring an ugly tree over.” I am so glad to read the outcome.
We do change. Marriage is like grade school. You rock first grade. But, then get to second and struggle with the new math. However you really got that art and p.e. class down pat.
Great post!!!
Oh, how this was needed today, G.
All I can say is THANK YOU.
<3