Our Messy, Beautiful Summer Week 4: Beginning Again
A guest post by Jennifer Ball
How long has it been? You should really be over it by now.
You need to move on.
You’re better off without him! Time to live it up! Hey…it could be worse!
I could live to be 124 years old. Older, even. I could live forever and there are things about that evening I will never be able to forget.
How the August air hung low and thick over the patio that night. How the single candle we had burning flickered, back and forth, even though I swear there was no wind. How I could see inside the house from where I was sitting, see the warm inviting glow of the kitchen light fixtures spilling out onto the lovely hardwood floors. How I could hear a neighbor dog barking, barking out to everybody and nobody in the dark. How the spot on my abdomen, the same area where my numerous c-sections happened, was still sore and tender from the tubal ligation I’d had the week before.
How cool and smooth the wood of the patio table felt on my forehead, and how odd it was that I couldn’t cry.
How time slowed down, and then for a few seconds, stopped. That must have been when I cataloged all of these memories. All of these sights and sounds and feelings, filed away under the heading, “The Night He Left Me”.
We’d been married for 12 years and there were four children made during the first half of those years. Was our marriage perfect? Were we happy?
No. And yes. At least, I thought we were happy. I thought he was happy. I assumed I was happy.
Were there warning signs? Did you know? Come on. You must have known.
I was up to my armpits in kids. They were little and active and oh my god there were FOUR of them! Our house was old and falling apart, we had cats who sometimes peed in it and my husband left in the morning and came home at night. I wasn’t looking for signs of anything other than maybe a sign that this too shall pass or that someday I’d have a few minutes to myself so I could stop and BREATHE and remember to ENJOY the beautiful chaos that surrounded me.
No. There were no signs. No. I didn’t know. I had no clue.
And then, that night. The words flew fast and slippery into the air and like a little black thunderhead they floated over to me:
“Jenny…I’m not happy. I feel like I live in a prison. I need some time to myself. I’m leaving.”
He didn’t apologize. He couldn’t look me in the eye. He had sunglasses in his hand, I remember that. And as he talked, as he gave me his goodbye speech, he tapped them on the hard table in perfect cadence with his words. Like a fancy expensive metronome made in Italy with the finest polycarbonate glare-resistant lenses.
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tappity–tap.
He said he’d call me later in the week to “figure things out”. He went inside the house, he was swallowed up in that warm inviting kitchen light and he said goodbye to our babies and then he left.
He didn’t say goodbye to me.
Sometime later, after the lawyers had joined our merry little party, after the shock of being left had begun wearing off, I found out about her. I had done a good job of convincing myself, and probably nobody else, that he’d left because of a mid-life crisis, or because he was depressed or because he needed to find himself and a two-bedroom apartment with a tiny balcony and free cable was the place to do that.
But then. I found out about her. The woman he went to, when he left me.
All divorces are different. Those that involve another person though, a Plan B who waits quietly (or not so quietly) in the wings…those are particularly awful. The scars these divorces leave are jagged and ugly and oh-so-slow to heal.
They are disfiguring, at first.
You see it every time you look in a mirror. You used to see YOU when you lifted your gaze to meet the one in the bathroom or the bedroom or the hallway. YOU. Maybe you were a young and pretty and tired mama. You might have been a woman of a certain age, with some mileage around your eyes and lines on your cheeks that deepened when you smiled big. It doesn’t matter what you used to see in that mirror.
Now you see the woman who was left. You see the one who lost, the one who didn’t measure up. You see the one who was too old or too fat or too cold or too busy or too lazy. You see the one who just couldn’t compete with the Other.
You see the one who was left.
I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat or get all Polly-freaking-Anna on you here. If you’re going through this, if you’ve been left, you need to know the truth.
It hurts. It’s humiliating and degrading and there will be moments (or hours or days) when you will want the world to open up and swallow you whole. You will maybe do what I did, and think about ending it, ending your life. Write eloquent, tear-stained goodbye letters to your children, your parents. Your husband. Hopefully, you will also do what I did and throw them out after writing them.
Because you need to stick around. Your kids? Oh, I could write a book about what this does to your kids. But the words here, the words I’m clickety clackety typing out right now, these words are for you. The one who was left. I’m telling you, you need to stick around.
I’ll tell you why: after some time passes, after the lawyers have collected their fees and you’ve signed and initialed a stack of papers that are taller than Jack’s giant beanstalk, after you’ve stopped wearing your wedding band and you’ve downloaded “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor onto your iPod…
You’ll look in the mirror one day.
And instead of seeing the one who was left, the one who wasn’t chosen, you’ll see someone else. A familiar face, a strong and beautiful face. There might be a few more worry lines on that face, maybe there’s a new strand or two or twenty of gray in the hair…but you’ll know that face.
It’s YOU. And you will smile at your reflection, you’ll admire the determined tilt of your chin, the knowing and proud look in your eyes. You’ll remember what it felt like to be left. You’ll remember how sad you were and how mad you were and how desperately you wanted things to be different.
You’ll remember feeling like it was the end of the world. And now– you’ll know you were half right about that. One world did end. The world of your marriage, that world filled with promises and hopes and dreams, it did end when he left you.
But oh, my sweet, strong warrior friend…oh my goodness. While that world disappeared into a black hole of grief and endings, a whole new world was born. And this new world, the one you are in right now?
It’s yours.
Is it the one you pictured yourself in, all those years ago? The one you imagined while resting your head on the chest of your husband, after the sex happened and the two of you shared that lovely afterglow, embraced in the dark and whispered about the future?
No. It’s not. But again, I tell you:
This new world is YOURS.
I won’t bullshit you. This new world can be scary. It can be intimidating and overwhelming and at times it can feel impossible to navigate. You will make some mistakes. You will mess up. But that’s okay. Because like a baby who stumbles while learning to walk, you recover from each misstep. You get up and you start over. One freaking foot in front of the other, sister.
With every day that passes, milestones will be reached. While your old world ended with a whole lot of “lasts”, this new world is full of “firsts”:
The first time you don’t think about him, not once, from the time you wake up until your head hits the pillow.
The first time you don’t think about her. About them. About what they did and where they did it.
The first time you realize you didn’t cry that day.
The first time you laugh. Hard. Like, pee-your-pants laugh.
The first time your kids mention something about “dad’s house” and you don’t wince.
The first time you feel the first-date butterflies. And the first kiss bliss.
The first time you realize that somehow, some way, you seem to have forgiven him.
The first time you understand what “moving on” means.
The first time it hits you, and I mean really HITS you:
You survived being left.
*****************************************************
Jennifer writes about life after divorce, parenting teens and her uncanny resemblance to Hagrid at her blog, The Happy Hausfrau. She is currently dreaming up new ways to put off finishing her tragically hilarious memoir, “What To Do When Your Husband Leaves You”. You can find her on Facebook or cowering in the corner on Twitter.
This post is part of Momastery’s Our Messy, Beautiful Summer series.
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314 Comments
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Today was my wedding anniversary. My husband of 17 years left me. Hes continually cheated and slept with multiple women. Today, i found out it was more than he could count. I have 2 teens and a baby. Hes made excuses to call and communicate with them over the years. He used the military as an excuse for his escapades and at the end he all of a sudden isnt happy because he cheated and broke the family. Im writing this having gone through so many feelings and emotions and im trying ti get to a place if forgive and let go. Ive fought fir years to heal, save, abd work on the marriage and family. So much was taken from me. My career, intimacy, love, were stomped on and im left with 3 kids, no family support, and crushed memories. Today on my unhappy wedding anniversary, i came to this realization. But somewhere down the line, i will find myself. In the bible, Job lost his wife, family, wealth, even his health because it was a test. A test to see if Job would curse the lord who gave him everything. God knew he was an upright man. He kept looking to God never blaming the lord for his difficulties. In the end, Job got MORE than what he ever lost. One day, i WILL be like Job. I will get back more than what was taken. All of my tears will be vindicated. Im not worried about the husband and other woman, or women, God is taking care of that.
God bless you. It’s hell. No one deserves this bs. I went thru it 15 years ago and it hurts like hell. It’s unreal. It’s surreal but just know I
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Oh wow! I’m so sorry for that. It sounds soooo familiar! I am 41 and My 41 year old husband of 19 years (3 teenagers well 1 20 year old girl 1 18 and a13 year old boy) for a girl that just turned 18 and is about 5-6 months pregnant by him. I thought I was the only one in the universe going through this. My mom, my Best friend, passed away last August and his “affair” had to have began very shortly after
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Wow. I cannot begin to imagine what each female has gone through here.
I am 28 years old. My ex-boyfriend convinced me to do my third year of medical school near him. I ended up moving far away to be near him. The day after I arrived, the same day we were going to sign the lease I found a note hidden under his dresser that he had written to one of his classmates denying our relationship and pursuing her. He begged for me to stay with him and I agreed. He asked my father for my hand in marriage. However I was beyond angry. I pepper sprayed him, threw water in his face (in front of everyone) during our cruise together. One month later after the note he said that, “we could have handled things in a more mature way”.
At first I was devastated and begged for his forgiveness….the tables had turned. He said no, he left me, he blocked me, and I never heard from him again. I ended up taking a picture of the note, posted it to facebook and sent friend request to all of his classmates. I never found out what female it was but I’m sure she found out after that. I also sent a text to his mothers “bible verse group” requesting prayer that I find it in my heart to forgive her manipulative son. I instantly found a therapist and it has helped me extremely.
I thank God for allowing me to find that note, it was literally hours before signing the lease and starting our life together. He would have asked me to marry him during that cruise a few weeks later and I would be engaged to a man that had little to no respect for our relationship or me. We would have possibly been married for 20, 30 years before seeing what type of man he really was. It’s been 6 months since he left. Although it still hurts, I feel like I’m slowly getting my life back. A mutual friend told me last week that he cheated on his girlfriend with the neighbor across the hall during undergrad. She was shocked that I even dated him because “everyone knew what type of guy he was”. In December I am moving back to the East coast to begin my last year of medical school. While I am here I am asking God to reveal to me his purpose for bringing me here. What is he trying to teach me? I have already learned so much, but I feel like He is still trying to tell me something. Peace to all.
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It’s been almost two years since I found about my husband’s almost two year affair with a woman in TX almost 3,000 miles from us – first on-line and then physically consummated in New England where we live – while we had son on autism spectrum living at home – yes; and our young adult daughter was fighting cancer – y es, yes. You can’t make this up. But this is not about having high need and ill children… this is about being a spoiled, entitled brat of a man who thought I deserved no respect and no loyalty when our family was going thru one of its roughest patches after many nice and beautiful ones. Were we having rocking or frequent sex – no – I was perimenopausal and not feeling like my best or sexiest self. Was he being romantic and chasing and pursuing me like he was her? Nope. Was he talking to me about his unhappiness until I got it. Nope! Was he a coward and went behind my back after 25 years together like a naughty school boy, not a grown ass man, to act like a meat head college or HS boy or his worst image of a man – Trump – yes, yes, yes. I’m still working thru all my feelings about what happened, whether trust can be restored, how our kids our coping with it – they know, in fact our daughter did before I did when she also saw texts between them on his phone – that he lent her!!! (And yes, that’s how I found out too – he lent me his phone to take photos of him…. because “he looked so handsome” and her text came scrolling across his screen.) She’s a nitwit from TX new, change of career teacher whose career I could have ended if I had reported her to her district’s HR dept. as all teachers sign morality clauses in their contracts. She violated hers w/this affair – esp. an affair with a married man with disabled son the same age she teaches – middle school. For now I’m here in the marriage to keep my son’s life stable. I’m using al anon and therapy to restore some good feelings about myself as this event rocked me to my core. He’s waiting for now and claims he didn’t love her or ever want to leave me…. but he did leave me – if not physically – then in his heart and mind and soul. This all sucks and I applaud any woman – who takes the daring step to end it right away and be true to herself. I would have if my son didn’t need us both thinking well together about him – for now. I was in such shock and in such bad emotional straights I couldn’t fathom leaving but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right thing to do. Some broken things just can’t be mended no matter how much super glue you pour on it. I believe he’s sorry and working to repair us and wants to fix us to something better but I’m not sure I’m there anymore. Sometimes there’s just no coming back or who you come back as is so different from the person that we feel in love with or that the other person loved – it’s just done. Overcooked and put a fork in it. We shall see. My empathy for anyone going thru this nightmare. Peace to all. I still look at her pics and the other women he was reaching out to on line and get sick to my stomach. I still feel I’d rather be alone that be with someone who was willing to throw me completely under the bus and was moving to end our marriage with no warning at all. It just makes me sick. Peace to all. Molly M
You inspire me. Im 51 he left 4 weeks after meeting Her. I was a stay at home mum. I have 3 kids 21, 19,, 15. Im scared, sad, heartbroken, He left 10 months ago and is living the high life. He will not speak to me. He has not once asked how the kids are. He rarely sees them. I have 2 jobs. Im fat old stressed and cannot see a way through. What i want to know is why I feel no anger. Where is it hiding. Why must I stay calm at all costs. What is wrong with me. I am strong and passionate but feel broken
You’re inspiring me. My husband, a stretch to refer to him as one, left exactly like yours. He was refinancing a mortgage for a prominent dermatologist while her husband was dying. We were living with his parents as he claimed we were buying their home.
Four weeks later his mother tells me he left me for the doctor. He was the brewdwinner and completely cut me off. He even stopped the health insurance. Then his parents inform me they must stay neutral so I have to find an apartment.
I am now in one and can barely afford it while he is living in the doctor’s mansion. They are all over social media grinning like Cheshire cats. People keep telling me to move on. Wish I could say move onto what?
Wonder why people feel the need to tell us how “easy” this is now. I am 52 and maybe if I was half of that it would seem easier or had an incredible career.
I am hear if you ever need to just vent. I wake up some days wondering if ending it all is my retirement plan as I don’t care how people claim it is easy to start again. Trust is gone, there is not a lot of great job options and it is expensive out here. My heart goes out to all of us in this situation. It is really hard and finding the way back is even harder. Sorry so long but just feel for all of us! I get mad at the people who don’t know what it is like to be afraid to wake up and not know how you will survive or if you will remain lonely forever. Without a boatload of money and one heck of a support system this is the hardest thing ever. Then if one more person tells me it is part of a bigger plan or another door will open I am going to lose it.
Good luck and I am here thinking of you. It is not much compared to the pain and anguish but I get it. We probably don’t get as angry due to the fact we’re too busy trying to make ends meet.
Wow that has to hurt, so to hear that How have you been since last posting? This stuff isn’t easy when you think someone love you but don’t bcuz love don’t just up and walk away. 9 x outta 10 he is miserable. Would you let him back
Wow I my story sounds sooo similar to yours especially being with a Spoiled man that’s needy for attention
Molly, my so called wonderful and God fearing husb just dumped me after39 yrs of marriage. I thought we were ok. I joined his career to be with him, I had been deathly ill for 17 yrs of our marriage, etc but for him? Boring! He keeps telling me how he feels nothing for me but feels strong sexual urges for a woman. He tells me he has done things and that he has faked it for the last 16 yrs. Honestly, I feel he is sick, but not too sick to keep kicking me while I am down.
I was in a serious relationship for 2 years and we broke up almost 2 years back.My boyfriend cheated on me, he ignore me for several months and left me with nothing, i could not get over him as the reason for break up was he fell in love with someone else at his work place,.after few months of depression and sadness.I feel used and miss him a lot.I tried to make up with him multiple times, trying to talk to him but everything failed and I don’t know what to do.He told me that he has stopped thinking about me, I tried to act normal, I feel confused and worse because I end up seeing him everyday.It just bugs me that he has moved on pretty quickly and I am feeling rejected and dejected.but i am happy today that GREAT MUTABA brought my boyfriend back, I am so happy, Now my boyfriend is all mine again.I’m happy again Great help from Great Mutaba, I truly believe in him and his work.he is a professional.I really enjoyed the result which i got, his love spell is marvelous, he is truly gifted, his love spell has brought me happiness, I am extremely pleased, it worked, he has the most powerful love spell, I recommend anyone who need hisor her Ex-lover back should search GREAT MUTABA on google or search him anywhere he is Very trustworthy..
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I was left by me ex 7 years ago and it hurt like HELL!! I lost myself completely and I suffered greatly. Fast forward to now and I’m so so happy. I found out that him and the woman he left me for are now married and expecting and you know what?? It didn’t bother me at all. In fact it was just what I needed to keep moving forward. Everyone is getting their “happily ever after” so now’s the time for me to have mine. I’m following my dreams. I’ve wanted to move to a different state for years and now I’m actually going to do it. You can and WILL survive, I’m living proof. Good luck to all going through something like this.
Wow…. you are an inspiration… in some ways I wish he had left. This netherworld of uncertainty is harder in some ways. See what I wrote above… .my story. It’s amazing what we can come back from – esp. women with children who need them. It blows my mind. I don’t think they would have married but had they done so – statically the numbers stink for long term distance for marriages that come out of affairs. It doesn’t look good for them long term cause you know you are marrying someone who is a proven cheater. I applaud you and your great attitude. Peace.
Wow such a strong woman like myself, it’s just not that easy .I can say”I do love that man but the lord knows I wish I would have followed my first mind every time I thought of being with another but didn’t bcuz I didn’t wanna hurt him and walking away from a man that was needy in prison and I had 6 kids but still made him feel special bcuz it was real with me,.We told each other we would never leave one another for one “I didn’t,he did” but to be honest, he had lied the whole relationship. I just can’t wait to get OVER THIS MOUNTAIN like you did.
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Me and my husband broke up long time ago but I could not move on so I contacted ([email protected] com) he helped me cast a love spell that return my husband back to me within 24hours ..
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After a 24 year relationship which included being married for 15 1/2 years, my husband left me for his decreased sons’ girlfriend and her two children she had with my stepson. We had a horrible year after my husbands’ son died. my husband changed and he became verbally and emotionally abusive toward me. I wanted to believe it was due to his grief. Then one day he said to me, ” i need to be my son and do everything for his girlfriend as if I was Josh, then out the door he went. No goodbye, no I am sorry, no nothing. I thought my husband would return and say he was sorry but he didn’t. I didn’t hear from him for weeks. I was replaced just like the snap of your fingers. My best friend, soulmate, lover and husband out the door. I thought i would die. Barely being able to eat, sleep or think. I was at the doctors constantly thinking I was having a stroke all the time. When i realized that he was never returning, I filed for divorce, went to therapy, and joined a divorce survivors group. Although I have come a long way, the memories of our past life still haunt me and are so painful. I pray everyday that I can forgive him so that the hatred that I feel does consume me. I need to let go so that I can move forward.
My heart goes out to you. I hope your need to forgive him brings the peace you’re striving for. My husband, 73, walked out one night 8 months ago-for the 43 year old woman he had been having an affair with. I was stunned-couldn’t eat or sleep-lost 50 lbs and was a total basket case for 6 months. I’m 73, have Macular Degeneration in both eyes. He’d been doing all the driving for a year before he left and we live 12 miles from nearest town. I filed for divorce because there were no other choices. It’s been struggle to just survive. Initially I wanted him back, but came to realize that he wasn’t coming back and that I was on my own-few friends and no relatives nearby. I’m doing better now- but I have no illusions about needing or wanting to forgive him. I doubt I’ll ever find it in my heart to forgive him. I now realize now how badly he treated me during our 21 year marriage and this wasn’t his first affair. The divorce isn’t final yet and he’s demanding that I pay his attorney and give him spousal support in addition to wanting his community property share of my retirement. He’s insisting I sell the house so he can get his share of the proceeds. So no, I can’t even imagine getting to a point where I would want to forgive-but at least I’ve reached a point where the hurt and anger aren’t consuming me. You’re traveling a hard road and I’ll certainly pray for you that you find what you need to move on and reclaim your life.
I can relate with how you feel. After 31 years no biological children but my daughter and grand children luv him the same. I’m having a challenging time. He left me with bills that are over my head. I charged 5 years vacation even that is left for me to pay. I’m devestated
See what I wrote above… your story is awful. My sympathy. Have you looked into Al Anon -it sounds like you might be an ACOA like me…. adult child. I’d highly, highly recommend meetings. They have changed my life. Good luck. Peace, Molly M
My husband left me and our 5 kids after 16 yrs together and 10 married. He has older children then mine and they’ve never liked me. It’s always been the only thing we fought about. His other daughter is a sweetheart and we always got along. But the 2 with his ex wife have always been bitter. I’ve tried many years to make it work. I guess it wasn’t enough. So he goes to work on our daughters 4th bday and never comes home. No explanation no goodbyes to the kids just gone. And now he keeps telling them he’ll see them and never calls for them. I feel like he’s punishing them for how his other kids felt. I’ve been hurting haven’t ate or slept . But now my sadness is turning to anger cause my kids are crushed. I just don’t understand how this happened…..
I may be in the minority here but I am a man whose wife left him for another woman. She began changing about a year ago. She began going to the gym and working hard and losing weight. She lost a ton of weight and began to look like the woman that I knew before our kids (i never complained) were born. Then she tarted going out more and more with a group of females. There was always one female there. Her name was Sara. Sara was basically my wive’s boss at work and had been around around family on several different occasions. Basically they met up every Saturday night for a month and had make out sessions. The last night that this happened was at the end of February and I had enough. I check the phone records and they had talked to each other over 70 times in 4 weeks on the phone. Then I questioned her about it and she basically told me that she was not happy and needed time to think. That night as she slept I grabbed her phone and saw what I didn’t want to see. There was an affair going on. My wife never asked me not to leave her she just asked me not to ruin their careers. I filed for divorces after she refused to go to counseling. That was 2 months ago. Today I am currently lost and depressed. The woman that I put before everything in this world is now gone with another woman. Not sure where to turn.
Wow, Mr. King. Surely, you know that this is not about you. Her decision is not normal and does not make sense. If you are a christian, you can pray for her. This is so big that there is nothing else that you can do. On the practical side, don’t make any huge decisions right now. You need time to absorb what is happening. Please protect your assets so that you are not left in financial ruin (Her behaviour is unpredictable, and she is not thinking straight.). You might want to get legal separation papers drawn up so that you interests are protected then wait, and pray. This is especially important if you have children; if you don’t, that is a hidden blessing. All of this is just my opinion. I pray for you. Also, make sure that you force yourself to get together with your male friends just to keep yourself strong and not overtaken with despair and constant thinking–where you go over things in you mind. This will not help; you cannot make sense of this type of behaviour. Remember, people can do some pretty bizarre and unpredictable things. It is not always a reflection on the person who has been left.
Sorry Mr. King–I re-read your post. You did say that you filed for divorce and that you have children. My encouragement stands. Don’t make any huge decisions. Try to absorb what is going on. Get social support so that you don’t go over things in your mind too much. My prayer is that the shock will wear off and you will get a second wind and see the path clearly that you are to take. Praying for you.
Suzzane, your answer is great – thank you!
my life is back again, what can i do whithout DR NORUWA. thank you
Thank you. This has helped more than anything else. Thank you.
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I was with my husband for 13 years . he was my everything. we have 3 kids the youngest only 1. I thought we were happy. But then he started changing. then a month later he tells me he’s leaving. He just needs time. I waited. Then I found out about her. He tells me he’s only been with her a month. I’m devastated . how did this happen? I thought he loved me. maybe she means nothing to him. A week later I find out he has really been with her a long time. he’s been with her even while we were together. I met her. he introduced me to her at a company party and she gave me a dirty look. my husband said it was all in my head. I believed him. Now there I was listening to him say he wants to take my kids around her. all this going down in a 3 month period. it was like I was continuously getting hit. I got in my car and just started driving. as I tried to steer through the tears I had a terrible thought. maybe I should just drive my car off the bridge. the pain was unbearable. I was unloved, unwanted, forgotten and now replaced. as the thought filled my head I realized what I was really contemplating . I pulled over and just sat there and cried. told myself I was going to be ok. the kids didn’t deserve that and though he didn’t need me they did. I am not completely over it yet but I find myself not crying so much or thinking about what he’s doing with her. the pain is still there just not as dominate. I’m ready to let go now and just want to find the me I lost. I find reading similar stories like mine helps me feel not so alone and gives me confidences that I will get over this and be truly happy again.
Thank you for sharing your story
Cory, l just came across your post and I am so sorry to hear how you were done. I applaude you for not ending your life because like you said, your beautiful children need you. Before you know it, they will be going on first dates, to prom and all the in betweens. I personally have been through several traumatic breakups that left me basically a basket case and don’t think for one minute the hell I went through meant anything to my exes. My first love who took my virginity dumped me and I was just siiiiiick!!!! Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep, cried five months straight and was just out of it. Guess what? No phone call or anything to check on me; and yes, he knew. My pain turned to anger after i saw he had moved on. I remember calling my close friend crying my eyes out and do you know what she told me? She said to accept it several times. When I finally did accept it, I got over him so quickly I couldn’t believe it and you can too. After all I went through, the one he dumped me for (he took her virginity too) she cheated on him and he was siiiiiiick!!! It always, always comes back. In your case, if he decides to come (if you choose to take him back) it will be your decision. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Go places with your girlfplaces (movies, out to eat, a coffee shop, get a facial) anything that will help you stay busy. Don’t pine away and put your life on hold. Life is short and you don’t know how long you will be here so, enjoy your life. Go walking and eat ice cream, go to the library, museum, have a picnic with family and friends, even plan a weekend trip. Life is beautiful and there’s sooo much to do! Don’t worry about them. People reap what they sow but don’t sit around waiting to see it. When it happens, you will have a front row seat. And as much as you’re likely angry at him, when you get through this and God finishes pruning you into the woman of God that He called you to be, you’ll actually, honestly pity your ex and her. You’ll be able to pray for them (good prayers) and mean it. The only thing he did was show you what’s in his heart. Men will only let you see what they want you to see but God can see into his heart and He showed you what kind of heart he has. Pray and ask Jesus for strength, joy and peace. Read your bible. Find scriptures that relates to what you’re going through, meditate on them and say them out loud and you’ll see the pain begin to ease. One day you’ll thank God for this experience because it’s making you stronger. Women get so wrapped up in their relationships but we don’t need a man to exist and breathe every day. Love Jesus and give your life to Him. It’s so worth it and you will eventually find the peace that only He can gives. Acts 2:38 is His plan of salvation. Take care and I look to hear your updates.
Wow, I’m so sorry…I’m currently 9 mths pregnant and my husband left me may 18, 2017 for another woman…let me tell you I know exactly how you feel But in my case, he comes around to help me with things physically, see his daughter we share a 3 year old and is committed to co parenting our 2 girls even in same household because they are young…he’s also going to completely financially support the household so I can be a stay at home mom till they are grown…but despite all of that, it doesn’t take away the pain and heartache of being replaced, I no longer have my soul mate, my lover and my best friend(although we are working towards forging a friendship for the sake of the girls)….I’m still depressed about it and pregnancy hormones don’t help either and I’ve had nights even last night where I just wanted to end the suffering, yesterday was supposed to be our 6yr wedding anniversary but we’ve been together 12years…it stings when my 3 yo says her name, then I think about the nasty messages about me to her and sexting to her from him that I found on his phone when he broke the we need to talk news…so it still is all so raw but I try to keep things civil for the girls and so he will continue to help…I do know that you and I will both heal and move on…hugs
I have been that low this week my ex left me 8 months ago to live with her I was heavily pregnant when he just upped and left me to deal with our other two children and a planned c section!
I have been in the car ready to just give up it still hurt so much everytime my baby does something for the first time I want to call him I want him to come home and witness it but he picked her and he seems so much happier
I used to think magic was bogus but after Martin left me I felt open-minded to try it. Maybe I was desperate too. But this is real! You restored the love we had for each other. And now he proposed as you promised he would! I am your friend forever and very grateful for all of this. I will come back again, very soon contact priest ogidiga call his cell phone on +23481882260982.stella from las vegas
if you need a powerful love spell to bring back Ex, contact Dr.Mack address:[email protected] com he’s the real deal!
Thank you. My children aren’t little anymore and for that I am thankful. I am an empty nester. The last of our four left last year for college and then so did my husband. I didn’t see it coming. I thought it must be some misunderstanding that I could fix. I thought he will realize what he has left and rush back. He didn’t. I am learning to adjust but I too wrote those letters and ripped them up.
Thank you so much for writing this and sharing your strength. I was recently leftleft while pregnant with my first and I am devastated. I know what that feels like to look in the mirror and be the one who got left and to see that person but reading things like this reminds me that this time will pass and it will be my world and I can be happy. Thank you so much.
Hi Steph,
I was also left pregnant about 10 months ago. It’s unimaginably horrible. It still hurts like crazy some days but it does get easier. I swear it should be criminal to do this.
I am so happy that [email protected] com was able to save my marriage after 3 years of heartbreak, my husband is mine again
Hi who is this dr maybe he can help us too ?
Being left by the person whom you loved, cherished , cared so much for. It hurts to know he left you for her. You cry, you write goodbye letters and plan your suicide. I did it. But one day, you wake up and realize that you can’t kill yourself. Why? Because God says our pain has a reason. One day God will heal your pain. Your pain will pass, just like mine did. Forgive , Smile, and dont give up, God Is with you❤️
I am currently 5 months pregnant with me and my husbands fourth child.. I just found out a week ago that he has been having an affair for months.. he then goes on to tell me he loves this other women and that’s who he wants to be with.. I have been devastated , I can’t stop from crying. As soon as I found out a few days later they already have pictures and videos of them together on the internet for everyone to see. We were still living in the same home and again I just found out about this other women a week ago. He started going and staying the night with her. Then I finally told him two days ago he needs to move out, that he is torturing me .. everyday it’s something else thrown in my face. He has chosen this other women over me and our children and it KILLS me. I believe when he left he moved in with her. We’ve been together almost 10 years.. I’ve spent my whole life with this man. Married him had our children… I just feel like my life is over and there’s no getting thru this. He’s off happy and I’m stuck crying on my bedroom floor praying to god to take my pain away ..
I know what it feels like I too am feeling my heart has been ripped out of my chest. My husband left me and my daughter after 20 years of marriage a 16 year old and I had given him a kidney. He left me for another women. and he does not care at all.
F…him and sue him for your kidney back, even if you are back together by now.
I found out my husband has had 3 affairs over the last 9 years of our 14 year marriage, starting when our kids were little. I agree with the article, you are so busy raising your kids and taking care of a house, etc., and you trust that your partner loves you and is a good person. Throughout this year long process, I have done a lot of reading and therapy and a lot of reflecting. In my case, I have come to the conclusion that my ex was a covert narcissist, and regular narcissists also commonly have affairs. Narcissism has become a buzz word and therefore become grossly over simplified – it is a spectrum and is complex, however once I came to this realization, so many things started to make sense and fall into place. IMO, normally functioning people who have long term relationships and children, don’t just leave one day for greener pastures. Adults with realistic expectations understand that marriage isn’t like the movies, raising kids is difficult and takes a toll on both parents and the marriage, and being with someone different is fun and exciting at first, and eventually will get challenging as well, and also put their kids first and at the very least give everything they have to try to preserve their marriage and family if it comes to that.
I am sharing with you in case it points you in a direction that is helpful because I have essentially been where you are and I was desperately searching for anything to help me make sense of this. Most people have not gone through this and although they mean well, they can not possibly understand the horrible feeling that someone you love has completely betrayed you and your life is turned upside down. It is going to be a rough journey, it will consume your thoughts for a while, there is no sugar coating it.
My big suggestions: 1) Get into therapy ASAP if you can; 2) Get some help with your kids if you can swing it, b/c you are going to be mentally depleted and overwhelmed for a while 3) Set firm boundaries with your spouse as soon as you can, like with requiring him to move out, that’s great. These people tend not to respect boundaries, which generally means “we” aren’t great at enforcing our boundaries. 4) I would HIGHLY suggest finding a support group or someone you know personally who has gone through something similar (even if you barely know them, I promise it will be an instant bonding!) b/c that has helped me IMMENSELY make it through day to day. 5) After the baby is born, you may want to consider anti-depressants b/c after a long period of time of dealing with this, it gets tough to make your way out again, at least in my experience.
You will learn a lot about yourself through this process, and someday you WILL come out the other side even though it really doesn’t feel like it right now and you feel like you almost just can’t take anymore. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you navigate this.
And PS, definitely google “narcissism and affairs” and read about 10 articles, you will most likely see some parallels. It is hard to believe someone you thought cared about you can just act like you don’t matter, but the more you understand about narcissism, it starts to make more sense.
The advice you give here is so on point. I’m going through this right now and I am sure my husband falls under the guise of a covert narcissist. He’s definitely on the spectrum.
When I reflect over the 26 years we’ve spent together I keep coming to the same thoughts–he has no respect for boundaries and that has always been my chief issue with him. I am also seeing how I enabled his behavior. Well, no more. He made his choice with only himself in mind and so that frees me up to do the same. My boundaries are never again going to be compromised. I’m still fairly young..we marred very young…and our children are both grown and thankfully educated. I am lucky in that I can use so much of my time to take care of myself , something I always put in the back burner. I realize that throughout our marriage I took care of damn near everyone and everything and I wore myself out compromising myself to make sure he is satisfied.
It’s cliche as this might sound, I do feel relief because now he’s not my problem any longer. If the cow he moved in with wants to deal with his mess then have at it. I don’t even spend time wondering if they’re happy. That’s not my problem, property or concern.
I am choosing to look at this a blessing in disguise. I’ve gotten my freedom and the opportunity to get myself back. I can stand up and show my children how important it is to take care of yourself and as they see me doing so, they’ll worry less about me and can also take care of themselves.
Support groups and therapy has been such a life saver because I shave developed so many great, healthy tools to cope. Tools that will be life long and make me healthy and strong physically and emotionally and mentally.
Love yourselves people. The rest will fall into place. If and when I settle down again I’ll have a much better brain in my head because I worked and will continue working, on myself.
Don’t wallow in blame, forgiveness is key to moving on. Love yourself in the way you require. We’ll all get through it and come out better & happier.
I’m a year down the line. I can’t tell you I’m over it or that I have moved on (I’m sat here in tears after hearing my children ask if ‘she’ will be their step mother now). What I can tell you is that I spent every day in tears for months when it all first happened, now not so much. It still hurts like hell and I still have wobbles but I also now have days where I laugh and smile and have hope for the future (even though I am yet to figure out what exactly this might look like). It’s such a difficult thing to go through, your not alone and things will get easier xxx
You gotta stay strong for your baby you are a strong woman you will get thru this and as far as for him god does not like ugly n as far as the other women the same way she got him is the same way she will loose him
Be strong sisses. We can do these. We will surpass all the pain that they left on us. There will come a time that when we look back we will just shrug our shoulder off and tell ourselves im glad i pass all the pain and living in peace. While your ex-husband in turn still feels guilty up to the present and they will only realized their wrongdoing when its already too late, when they’re old, poor, left by the mistress and nothing to turn to then thats the time they will remember that they once have a family. But since we already move on, have forgiven and can stand on our own we are happy being a single mom… its up to you if you are going to accept your ex husband or not. I hope and pray to all cheated wives to be at peace and be given strenght and the will to go on with life just like i’ve been there too but still healing. Smile always. God Bless us all!
My husband left me for what I still don’t know he says I’m disrespectful but he says that anytime I catch him not being truthful. I loved this man with all I had bought him a car to make sure he gets to work took in our stepson it’s just so much going on and I even apologize for something I shouldn’t be apologizing for but I was trying to do whatever it takes to save our marriage but he tells me he hates me and don’t call him anymore or he don’t have nothing to say to me until court! I just feel so used and betrayed when will this not eating sleepless nights crying my eyeballs out go away?
Here is the great man who bring my husband back and restored my marriage. My name is kendra and am from United State, This is a very happy day of my life with the help of Dr Thomas has rendered to me by helping me to get my divorce husband back with his magic power and love spell. i was married for 8 years and it was so terrible because my husband was really cheating on me, and was seeking for a divorce but when i came across Dr Thomas email([email protected] com) on the internet on how he help so many people to get their ex back and help fixing marriage/relationship. He makes people happy in their marriages/relationships. i explained my situation to him and then seek his help but to my greatest surprise he told me that he will help me with my case and here i am now celebrating because my Husband has change totally for good. He started begging me to forgive him that he is very sorry for all the troubles he caused me, i was really surprise and was also happy, so that was how i forgave him and now we are living together happily than ever before,and He always want to be by me and can not do anything without my present. i am really happy with my marriage, what a great celebration. thank you dr thomas who helped me a lot, if you need his help you can contact him via email: ([email protected] com) . He’s a man of his word.
Kendra– I have contacted Dr Thomas and am waiting for a package …Is this something that you had to do as well?
God how I hope you are right! My heart too is broken into a powdery dust.
Lynn, my heart is absolutely broken too. My husband of 23 years left August 11, came back a few days later and we did some counseling and even spent a weekend away where it was like old times and talking about our future. Thursday he said that we were ok and Friday said he was filing for divorce. I haven’t talked to him since although he emailed he would see me tomorrow. I am devastated and haven’t been able to sleep more than a few hours. There is so much pain. I so hope the author is right too.
Same. He left. Came back. Told me leaving was a big mistake and that he couldn’t be without me. Thought we were good. Then he left again a week later. It’s been a year today. I promise it gets better.
Hi Mary and Lila,
LIke you, my husband of 32 years left me for a 24 year old Thai Bar girl from Phuket who can barely speak english. I found out about the affair last year and decided to leave the family home so he will miss me. around christmas time, he asked me to come home and be a family again. We spent christmas eve last year with a family meal and exchanged gifts. On December 29 he went back to phuket to spend new year’s with her and celebrate his 60th birthday.
I’m still reeling from this and sometimes doubt if I will ever get through this challenging times.
These men are ruthless, cruel with absolutely no conscience. all they worry about is what’s inside their pants.
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Thank you for sharing your stories. It’s been a week since my husband left me for his girlfriend and I am in tears after reading these stories. We have been together 21 years and I am in total disbelief he is able to do this to me and our family. I know I will feel better however every day the hurt seems to get worse and worse. So just like that my world as I knew it ended and a new one has begun. Praying for all of us and our children ad well
With eyes filled of tears of relief & hope, THANK YOU,, you saved me. You are a great writer, & a warm heart.
After 19 years, I still don’t fully know why my ex left me and our one-year old after only 4 years of marriage. Was a mixture of his untreated depression and immense credit-card debt he accumulated behind my back. Now he’s remarried with two young stepchildren and two younger biological children. I’m a single empty nester with lots of freedom and not minding it a single bit. FANTASTIC BLOG POST AND SO GLAD I SAW IT !
As I read most of your stories I could see myself. After 11 years I found out he was cheating on me. The day after I found out he left for work and called me that he was not in love with me anymore. The next day he took his mistress to the movies. That was 5 months ago and they still together. We have twin girls, they r 2 years old and I’m 5 months pregnant. I’ve been trough hell this past 5 months. He is leaving with his mistress for the last 3 months and is taking the girls to his house already. I have ask him to give time to this relationship before involving the kids, but he does not care. He also doesn’t care about the baby we are expecting. He has not say a word about the baby and I feel so alone and depressed. He us not the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He is not the person I thought he was. How can he do this to me? They have make their relationship public, he introduced her to his parents, his mother disrespected me , called a piece if shit, and garbage, when I went to their house to tell them what his son was doing to our daughters. How can they live with themselves after all they r doing to me. I wonder if I would ever get over this and be happy and find a good man. I want to be happy so bad, and I try not to be depressed for my daughters and the baby I’m expecting. I feel so alone. He has disrespected me so much, has defended his girlfriend when I called her a slut for knowing I excited and I had a family with this man. She wanted to hit me being 4 months pregnant. What type of women is this , that even knowing I’m expecting his baby she conti b us with this man. She must be desperate for a man.
Please stay strong. I had been with my partner 18 years 3 kids then got pregnant july. He said he was happy then once i had 1st scan he changed. It was not what he wanted and wanted an Abortion. At 13 weeks pregnant he walked out. I decided to keep the baby and desperatley wanted him to come back home to his family. But he didn’t. I went through the pregnancy and labour alone. I suspected there was someone else. Well my son is 3months old and there is and was another women and she is 6 monthes pregnant!! It hurts like hell. He did not want our 4th child but got her pregnant on purpose. He destroyed everything that we had together and the kids was what we shared together.
But i am still standig god kows how!! You have to stay strong for your child and unborn baby. Concentrate on you. You can do this. You are stronger and braver than you know, believe me. I am proud that i kept it all together for my kids and kept my unborn baby safe. And you will too. Its his loss and when he has grown up i promise you he will regret it. Stay strong, keep calm, stay away from drama and hold your head up high. Christine X
Let God take care of him, and when this happens he will grind his teeth!!!
Thank you for sharing your story. Today I had my first visit with an attorney.
We have a toddler together and I am currently six months pregnant with a girl. My husband decided to choose the day my grandpa died to discuss wanting to have sex with other women. I told him that I was uncomfortable with that so no, and he has been cold and detached ever since. His ambiguity on whether or not he has physically or emotionally invested his time in another woman has left me completely nuts. I assumed the worst and felt betrayed that he could do this to us after 9 years of marriage. I still don’t know for sure whether or not there is someone else. He will say no if I ask him but he refuses to tell me what I need to hear… What I think every pregnant, vulnerable wife should hear: that I am loved, appreciated and the only woman in his life (aside from the obvious female figures). I have actually told him exactly what I needed to hear in order to believe he hasn’t stepped out but to my chagrin, my expectations were not met. He has left us. When he visits our son, he spends a great deal of time criticizing me over anything and everything. I get hurt, then I cry, then I try to tell him how I feel for the ten thousandth time and for the ten thousandth time, he turns everything on me and builds a wall. Nothing is getting through. I am the definition of insanity.
I just can’t figure out why, after 15 years of living together and almost a decade of marriage, he can just walk away, treating me like I mean absolutely nothing to him. If he isn’t just awful to me, he’s completely indifferent. The only thing that makes sense to me is that is at the very least emotionally invested in another woman.
He has a history of psychological abuse. He publicly shames me and attacks my character whenever things aren’t met to his expectations. The marriage counselor has pointed out his abuse yet he refuses to seek much needed independent counseling.
He also controls all the finances. I don’t have access to even a joint checking account. He does give me a few hundred dollars a month to feed our son, our two dogs and myself.
There are so many more elements to our situation but ultimately I feel unloved, undesired, undesirable, unappreciated and unable to meet his expectations. I feel like I’ve failed as a wife and a mother.
I can truly understand all of this crazy stuff. I have been in the sa mm e situation. Been with my ex. For 8 YEARS. we worked together for 20 years.he always wanted to talk to me. I never found him to even be my type. But after coming out of a marriage and him out of a relationship we hooked up. In the beginning it was great. Then one day things just got crazy. We had to work side by side, he didn’t want anyone talking to me, looking at me, didn’t want me t have friends, I had to talk to him on the phone every moment, if I missed a phone call he would end the relationship. This went on for years. Then two months ago on face book I found out that he was seeing this 400pound lady. I couldn’t understand how he even found the time. Then later I found out it was through the help of his children. His children use to come and stay at my house for years was in on this conspiracy. He left me and moved in with her. Gave up everything he owned to be with her. How could this happen, how do you get past the hurt and pain. Time does not heal when your love is real. How and why do people stay so blessed and happy when they sat out to destroy good people. And these thirsty bitches get your man and be happy like they did nothing. What ever happened to God fighting your battles. Seems more like be blesses mess.
These are useless men. My husband left me and our daughter to go live with his mom and family . Stay strong and follow God , he has something better for you . Please read about narcissistic personalities …. these people doesn’t have a heart, they can’t love anybody , I mean NO ONE!!!!!not even themselves .
There is one more thing that you will eventually see in the mirror. You will see that he missed out. Not in a haughty, arrogant way, but you will recognize your own value, and smile back at yourself. You were a precious gift that he let slip through his fingers, in fact, he just tossed you away, ran to another, and moved on. This shatters your heart abruptly into pieces which leave a powdery dust. Forget the glue, this seems to require the sweeper. We can hang on if we just know exactly how long the pain will continue. How long??? Hang in there. The pain does end. Your heart will heal, even the bits and pieces that you thought were beyond repair. In the end, the woman you become is
resilient, and you realize, and appreciate, that he doesn’t get you. He does not get to look into your beautiful eyes, or see you gracefully age, or grow old with a wife who truly loved him. It’s a loss he will never, ever recover from.
Omg I am crying reading this, how your heart has been burst into pieces,into a powdery dust. I am so devastated at this point & reading that just let me know yes some one knows the pain exactly. I woke up with my husband Saturday morning & by Saturday night 1am he called me to tell me he’s been with his girlfriend all night . We have 24 years together & he came up with every excuse why I was no longer good for him,just like that I’m tossed aside,our son currently deployed in Iraq & now this, Don’t know how can I move forward, barely able to take in water. I’m here dying & he’s so happy doesn’t feel any pain having great time with girlfriend, which by the way has had two previous affairs with . Thanks for listening
I love this
I use to believe that God would revenge the man who has betrayed me. But as time goes on people tell me all the time how my ex and his new girlfriend are doing so well going into business together and this and that. People say that God sometimes break your heart to blow your kind. I have been praying every day all day just talking to God. I guess trying to make sense out of all of this mess. I guess God has just giving up on me to.or maybe God hates me as much as my ex. Does make I was just a joke for my ex. and God. I just no that I just don’t want to live anymore. And each day as I awake my question is always God why do you keep me alive. How much shame do you want me to experience. I will never live again nor will I ever trust anyone again in my life. So each day I just get up and do the same thing over and over again. I’m just a waste of life. Why won’t this God just let me die. Its been six month and it all hurts still like the first day.
Hi Angie.
The Lord loves you my dear sister. Don’t ever think that way. You say people are saying they are doing well.yes “people” did u see it. Besides why are you busy worrying about them.please don’t do this to urself . my husband also left me 2 and half months ago for another woman. We have been married for 4 years and together 8years plus. I met him wen I was so young and we fell in love. I didnt care what people said about him that he liked older woman and ol. I was in love with this knight and shining amour. We have a son that is 3 and a half years old and I’m 37weeks pregnant now. He totally abandoned me. Left me with no food nothing when I was 6 months pregnant. Made his galfriend call me hurting me. I even listened to then kissing and making up on the fone and till now wonder why I allowed him to do all this to me. Even now I also heard hez been sending pictures to his relatives telling them that he has new woman now and she pretty. You know all this hurt me a lot but I have given my life to the Lord. A relationship started on lies and cheating will never succeed . I know the one day yes I will forget about him. I used to pray for the restoration of marriage. This is not my will. What will happen is God’s will. When I read the bible it helps me understand most things I didn’t understand.pray to God he does love you.and be strong. I’m going through same thing in just trust in God
Be patient …. God is the best accountant and he will balance the books at the right time , at his time . Just wait and keep moving on,their time will come and if you keep following and believing in God with faith , he will let you see them grinding their teeth.
Thank you for saying this ♡
What is a kind of marriage is this, me and my husband we married 34yrs now but for 8 years we slip in separate room but in one roof house, he was cheated, abusive to me, I was thought he will changing but nothing change over that it is worse, now I regret myself to stay in a marriage for the sake of children with no love just abused.
Sometimes they don’t leave, they just tell you about the other woman. Then you have to live with the decision every day…do I fight for this family, or not? Do I hang in there for the kids? Do I hope for restoration? And every chime of the email, every text vibration becomes a dagger. You see a message pop onto his computer screen that teaches you to stop being near him when he is on a tablet or computer or a phone, which is basically always. You watch him go on business trips that you know are not about business. You bottle all of it up and scream and scream and scream on the inside.
At some point, the tables start to turn. You stop going through the motions and you actually start doing a little bit of living. You start to laugh again. You go out with friends, and listen to the children, and you find that you’re still moving forward. You might even hear that the other woman is pissed that your husband still lives with you…still talks to you…Why hasn’t he abandoned you yet for her? You watch, as his fantasy world starts to crumble around him. Why don’t the kids talk to him anymore? Why does he not know what’s going on in the family? Why can’t he sleep at night? Why is he so unhappy?
You realize, that the best thing might actually be for these two strangers to live with their lies, so that you can move toward your truth. You were always good enough.
Thank you for your words, Kate. Our situations sound similar. My husband has done the same for the last 7 months, but has now given up his whole life here to move to Texas to be with his affair partner. It is devastating on so many levels.
my husband left me after 13 years….Jesus Christ took his place and we have the best marriage…seek Christ and he will lead you to your soul mate….he will heal your broken heart when temporary relationships crumble…Jesus worked for me…I dare you to try him
Thank you!
Thank you,
Well I finally realised my husband left me for His mistress today. He up and told me to move to another country only to send for his mistress withing 6 months. My family and my job …In fact my life I left behind for him. It hurts and I want to scream but I have a child from a previous relationship and need to still be there for him. I cant wait to find myself again. For now though all I feel is a hollow dull pain in my spirit..15 years wasted on a man who constantly cheated on me..and married me to make amends ..and went back to cheating.
Well I finally realised my husband left me for His mistress today. He up and told me to move to another country only to send for his mistress withing 6 months. My family and my job …In fact my life I left behind for him. It hurts and I want to scream but I have a child from a previous relationship and need to still be there for him. I cant wait to find myself again. For now though all I feel is a hollow dull a hinge pain in my spirit..15 years wasted on a man who constantly heated on me..and married me to make amends ..and went back to cheating.
Thank you for this. I was left today and needs these words more than air.
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