These two women approached my table last month at a book signing. The woman on the right is Chi and the one on the left is Mary.
Chi leaned over the table to whisper something to me, so I leaned towards her to listen.
Chi gestured toward Mary and said quietly:
“This is Mary. Mary is my ex-husband’s girlfriend. We came here together tonight because we need to tell you a story. It’s a short story, but a good one. This woman is dating my ex-husband, and she has decided to love my son. She doesn’t have to, but she chooses to. She loves him well, with her whole heart. I have never known how to thank her for making that decision. For deciding to love my son so well. I just wanted you to know that your book is what I finally gave her to say thank you. To say thank you to Mary for loving my son.”
I stared at Chi for a moment and then looked over at Mary. Mary’s eyes were red, and brimming with tears. She stayed close to Chi’s side. We said no more words. I stood up and walked around the table to embrace them both. We stood together and hugged and cried. Because we knew:
This is Love. What we have here is LOVE.
There is a term in carpentry called Sistering. This is how one Momastery reader defines it:
Sometimes an existing joist, which was designed to handle a certain load, becomes too weak. Maybe it was damaged by water or fire. Maybe it still has structural integrity but an addition is being constructed and the new load is going to be a lot heavier than before. Either way, now it is not as sturdy as it needs to be.
When a builder needs to strengthen that joist, she puts a new member right next to the original one and fastens the two together. Sometimes, two new joists are needed- one on either side.
Do you know what they call that?
A Sister Joist.
And builders use “Sister” as a verb, like, “We need to Sister the joists in the east bay about four feet.” Even better is the nonsensical: “Sistering” as in, “Are they finished Sistering the roof rafters?”
Sometimes the load of life is too heavy for a couple. They break. And sometimes after the breaking, they bring a new member in and place her next to the original one. Sometimes the two are fastened tightly together.
Sometimes a mama looks at her ex-husband’s girlfriend and instead of thinking: Less Of My Boy’s Love For Me, She thinks: More Love For My Boy.
What a strong structure this little boy will grow up in, with two sisters beside him, steadying him, bearing his load, holding him up. Mary and Chi are fastened together by their mutual love for this child. Mary and Chi are Sistering.
Sister On.
*********************
Over the years I’ve heard from so many of you doing the brutiful work of blending families. Based on your stories- I acknowledge in advance that Chi and Mary’s approach is not always possible and far from the only way to prove that Love Wins for blended families. Share your strategies or your HARD with us below. YOU ARE WARRIORS!
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94 Comments
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I’m late to the party. I just read this tonight. I hear you all. I hear how love is best for children involved but I honestly cannot imagine getting to a place like this. I’m in the process of getting divorced – I totally did not see it coming nor do I want it. But he does not see any hope and so I reluctantly am going through with it. I am an emotional mess. My two beautiful girls are an emotional mess. In my anger and depression I cannot see how I could ever get to a point where I can sister with another woman who may come into his life in the future. It is even written in our parenting plan that my children cannot call anyone else “mom”
I am not trying to defend anyone who is behaving badly, but to those women who are stepmothers having a hard time with biological mothers – put yourself in their shoes. I do not want this divorce. It ripped my whole world a part. I am struggling every day. I do not get to see my children every day because of split custody. Yes, I want more love for my children, but the thought of another woman raising my children makes me sick to my stomach.
Love the “sistering” metaphor…and so love when parents and other “grown ups” put the child’s well being as priority. As you say, it is not always possible to have what Chi and Mary have, but…wow…when people decide to make love win…it’s the best victory in the world.
The other mother who will share our table Sunday is my youngest’s birthmom, B. I cannot tell you how honored I am to share the day with her. We became foster parents to our daughter, L, a little over four years ago, and B has shattered all of our preconceived notions. Every decision she has made has been with L’s best interests in mind, even when it conflicted with her own interests. There have been rough spots along the way, and I’m sure there will be more in the future. We are all sistering together (even my husband), for our daughter, and for ourselves.
Love this beautiful story! I had 3 step monsters who were verbally and physically abusive. We were treated like trash and I prayed everyday for a step mom who would love me and my sisters. Chi and Mary you are an inspiration that Love is most important and families come in all shapes and sizes. Hugs to the monkee who posted for the first time and got such negative feedback. You keep being a good step mom and loving those kiddos. I’m cheering for you and my heart smiles knowing you are nurturing with unconditional love!
WOW. THIS IS CLEARLY A FALSIFIED UNIVERSE WHEN POSTS ARE DELETED EXPOSING THE TRUE CHARACTER OF CERTAIN SUBJECTS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE INCLUSION OF ALL VOICES???
I didn’t see your comment but administrators usually take this type of action when a comment is inappropriate. If you’ll read comments below you’ll see that people disagree with one another but you must do so respectfully. We welcome all input but we try really hard not to be jerks.
In a prior relationship, I got to be the ex-husband’s gf. I was blessed to be able to love that beautiful daughter of his, and i still do, even though we have both moved on to other relationships, married and had other children. I will always think of her as my first child and I still talk to her on the phone quite often. My husband has never said anything negative about my maintaining a relationship with her, and for that I am doubly blessed.
When she was a baby and I was new to the family, it was a little rough. I worked hard at showing her mother that I was loving her as hard (and eventually harder) than I was loving her father, and I always had her best interest at heart. Thankfully, her mother allowed me to love her. We talked about it once and both concluded that the more positive, loving relationships she had, the better her life would be. Her mom and I weren’t besties by any means, and our conversations always centered around her daughter, but she knew that even after I ended my relationship with her father, that I could be trusted to babysit, care for her, take her places, etc, and I still do sometimes, 6+ years later.
I am so thankful that her parents were mature enough to allow me to love her. Her presence in my life is such a blessing and I can’t imagine it without her.
This made me cry. I was in a 10 year relationship where I had step children. Ultimately, it was the mom’s inability to let me love her children that created the biggest rift, leading to our breakup. I can recount you with the horror stories, but she just taught her children to hate me. I was never allowed to go to any of their functions because their dad didn’t want to deal with his ex’s drama. I didn’t see their first communions, awards ceremonies, sports games, graduation. The saddest part of this is that I feel that she just taught her children about hate, not love. and the mom deprived her children of the opportunity to have someone loving be a part of her children’s lives.
I confess I don’t like my ex much, and wouldn’t want to be his friend, but when he got remarried I was so grateful that his new wife Sarah was good and kind to my daughter, loved on her and was never mean to her. They have been together about 10 years, and my daughter Esme has a great relationship with her and her kids. Rather than be petty, selfish and jealous of that relationship, I breathed a huge sigh of relief that I didn’t have to worry about that. (I had a step-mother who definitely did not love me, and never took a single opportunity to show me kindness.) More love for my baby girl! Now THAT is some good news. To all you step-mommies out there with room in your hearts for those babies, I thank you.
I so wish that this story was the same as my story, unfortunately it isn’t. We aren’t married but have been together for 5 years and marriage is in the near future. He has two children whom were 3 and 5 when we met and are now 8 and 10. Their mother has never been a very big part of their lives mostly because she has chosen a lifestyle that was unstable for the children and has done things that have put her in prison for years at a time and now has gotten remarried and located to the other side of the country. The one real time I came in contact with her without him she acted immature and rediculous. I think of his children as my own and they love me as their own and I look forward to seeing them grow and taking over that responsibility of mother. My boyfriends ex mother in law once approached me and told me that she was so happy that I was in the children’s lives and was a stable mother figure for them since their mother is mentally incapable of that role. That meant more to me then she will ever know. While I wish she was more active in their lives for their sake I’m also so happy that God lead me to them and have me the ability to love them and show then what it is like to have a mother and feel that love.
You deserve a HUGE Mother’s Day present. Bless you
What do you do when your children’s step-mother doesn’t want a relationship with them? When she doesn’t want them at her house? When she doesn’t want them to have a relationship with their half-sibling? When their father is so torn between the two families that it causes conflicts on both sides? I’ve tried to love my children for all of us, but their hearts are broken. My heart is broken all over again for them. I wish we could have a relationship like the one in this post. It would be better for all of us.
Amen. A-freaking-men.
I am in the same situation as you, except…their father is not torn. Not one bit. He bows to the step-mother, and therefore has a pretty non-existent relationship with our four kids.
My kids are pretty amazing people, growing up into stable and fine young adults, but like you, my heart has been broken over this for a long time. I read articles like this and it breaks a little more.
I wrote about my brutiful story months ago on my blog. I don’t think I’m permitted to link it here but if you’d like to read it please google An Unlikely Friendship blogging midlife.”
Funny….I even mentioned Glennon when I wrote this because Love Wins. It certainly does. In my post you can see a picture of our children from our blended family. I thank God every day for all of them.
So touched by this. I understand what it’s like to feel threatened or scared by another person’s love for your child. Not from divorce but adoption. When we decided to have an open adoption it was for the exact reason mentioned above. More people to love our daughter is more people to love our daughter. Who cares about step, bio, in law, adoptive–LOVE is love. Thank you for this story!
This is a great story. I have often wished my ex-husbands girlfriends would choose the “sistering” route. Instead, they choose to be in competition with me. On the flip side, my husband’s son, my son now, had been without his mom for 7 years as she passed away when he was 3. I find myself wishing I had a “sister” in this journey we find ourselves on. Loving someone else’s chad as your own is not easy. It takes work, practice, dedication, and support. Chi and Mary are awesome examples!
This is such a beautiful act of love! I am an adult child of divorced and remarried parents who chose not to follow this example and it has torn our family apart. For all the mothers who are doing the incredibly hard work of love to ‘sister on’ for their children, I commend and thank you. Love wins!
Just to add to the definition of “blended” families…I raised my son by myself for 9 years. His biological father left when I was pregnant. When I got married for the first time, my husband stepped into the father role. We do not call him step-dad because he is first dad. However, we feel like a blended family because we struggle with parenting a child who is used to one type of parenting for 9 years and now has a new parenting style to adjust to. While I don’t have an ex-anything in the mix….and therefore it is not as messy….it is still a brutiful battle. We are blessed to have one another and work very hard to make it work. Adjusting to marriage and co-parenting for the first time after 9 years of single parenting is HARD. But we commit to “Show up.” This blog has really been a stronghold for my journey. If infertility is a scheduled post soon, then I’m really hitting home runs! One of those “clubs” that no one wants to be a part of, and yet we are so grateful for the “club”. All clubs of warriors!!
GMN
If you are looking for some empathy, support, commiseration, and even hope on the subject of infertility, please visit my blog. Google Wild Tofu and you’ll find it. I’m sure Glennon has touched on this subject, she’s hit on so many, but this is a HUGE part of my life.
I have one miracle child after years of infertility and loss, and now, despite our hell of a pregnancy getting her, we are taking the insane risk of trying for another, facing yet again infertility and all the nastiness that comes with it. You can join me on that journey, and maybe even be a “Sister” to me on it. I’d love to “Sister” you in your infertility journey. With all I’ve been through, I feel it’s almost a calling of mine – to reach out to so many others in the same space I was and am.
I’m on the other side of this I guess. I’m a step mom who choose to love her kids because I couldn’t help it! I never wanted to take her place, I just love those kids. They came to live with us as teenagers and I remain close to them as they are adults now. Because she could never give them love they both haven’t spoken to her in at least 4 years despite our encouragement. Love is powerful and children can only benefit from more love from more people. First hand I’ve seen them give up on their own mother when she refused to give the love.
You gave yourself away; you consider them your kids. Therein lies a huge issue. I doubt that the biological mother couldn’t love her children. It’s profoundly more likely that she couldn’t live with you considering them your children and all your choices from that self-deception. – More folks need to tune into the wisdom of Solomon – who gave the child to the woman who wasn’t willing to cut the child in half so each woman claiming to be the mother could each have half of the child. For only the REAL mother would save the child’s life.
Re: “despite our encouragement.” It’s a huge possibility that your “encouragement” was an impression management tool – to gain the loyalty of the children. If you really wanted the BEST for the children you wouldn’t have MADE THEM YOUR CHILDREN. For the children now to believe their mother didn’t and doesn’t love them is a wound that will NEVER heal.
I think you may have missed her point. Call me crazy, but I can’t imagine how a step-mother distancing herself from her husband’s children would improve the relationship with their biological mother? It sounds like had she done what you say, the children would not have had anyone to turn to. Just because you are the biological Mother or Father of a child doesn’t necessarily make you a Mother or a Father. Heather – you did the right thing. You showed up. Keep showing up … however you and your husband feel you should.
Maybe I did miss the point – and maybe I’m such a poor communicator I didn’t communicate clearly enough for my point to be understood. I’ve been observing this element of society for nigh 30 years and what I’ve seen is too many biological mothers being silently erased from the scene. Most often the cause is the biological mother seeing her children torn with “who am I to be loyal to, because I love them both?” And most often it is the biological mother who ‘let’s go”, not because she wants to. If it was a conscious decision to ‘let-go’ it’s the most torturous decision she’s ever made, but a decision made because she wants to ease the daily incapacitating, anger producing, pain in the lives of her children.
When an avenger, liar or manipulative opportunist is working to gain the children’s loyalties for their own needs, it seems that the non-verbal message in UNCONDITIONALLY following Chi’s path is that biological mother’s should be hypocritical, betray their ‘self’, and lie about who they are (which is the opposite approach to life that Glennon promotes in her book, the opposite of how Glennon saved herself).
Pat, you keep referring to the, ” avenger, liar or manipulative opportunist”. Who is that in your opinion?
I think that when a child feel like they must prove their loyalty to one parent it’s probably because that parent is putting pressure on them. Chi has released her son from that. She has given him permission to love without guilt. Children have endless capacity for love, it doesn’t run out.
Wow! This was the first time I have ever commented on anything on this blog and now I’m very sorry I did. I assure you that I’m not a liar, avenger our manipulative opportunist. Let me tell you a little more of the story… My children’s biological mother is an alcoholic and drug addict who was abusive physically, emotionally and mentally. She moved them 800 miles away from their father to keep them away from him. We fought to help them for 7 years until they made the choice themselves to come live with us. They needed me. They still need me. They were both taking drugs by the age of 14 to escape their lives with their mother and step father. I did show up for them and I will always show up for them. Pat, your comments are hurtful and unnecessary.
Thank you for sharing your story, The missing pieces are ALWAYS important. They keep people like me from getting the wrong image in my mind. I do apologize for the discomfort I caused you. Is there anything I can do to compensate you?
You, along with Jessica deserve huge Mother’s Day presents.
Being neither Chi nor Mary have such incapacitating issues as the biological mother of the children in your care, without the full story – my mind didn’t imagine your situation as such. And, having experienced and witnessed too many loving good mothers manipulated into an image of ‘not good’ – not satisfactory, I am oversensitive on the subject. In the future, I’ll ask questions, first.
Heather, I’m sorry for the negative feedback you’ve received. I am a bio mom and a step mom. I’ve been with my step daughter since she was 12 months old, she’s 9 now. My husband and I refer to the children as “our kids” because they are. My parents consider her their granddaughter. I think it’s wonderful that you embraced those kids.
Allison, thank you for your inquiry.
Yes, there is a lot IN “avenger, liar, or manipulative opportunist,” so much that chat rooms prove a difficult place to address these issues. I’ll try. ‘Avengers’ are people who are motivated by power, by authority and by the desire for status whose path to these goals has been interrupted and they are passively/aggressively striking at what they perceive as the interruption in their path to power/authority/a perceived higher status. In the family unit, when the father perceives the wife as the cause of the interruption (could be anything from not perceiving G_d as he does to divorcing him) the father morphs into a man who cannot say “no” to his children, no matter how ridiculous or injurious the situation. The father has changed his behavior to gain the loyalty of the children knowing that subtracting the children from “Mom” grievously punishes the mother. The father also supports if not requires this behavior of his new bride. Another weapon used by avengers is keeping the children’s calendar so full with their “family” activities, every time the mother attempts contact its, “Oh, I sorry, we have this and this planned so they aren’t available.”
Liars: The father who paints himself as the innocent party in the divorce, i.e.. when he’s the one who gave his wife VD. During a child’s formative years, a loving mother doesn’t inform their child that their father has these flaws in order to put in proper perspective what really happened. So the child continues to believe what is false and is loyal to the father – i.e. choosing to go on a trip with Dad rather than a trip with Mom (which Dad & his present wife’s “full calendar” obstructs any open dates.). ,
Manipulative opportunist: Well, the “full calendar,” “playing innocent,” “never saying, ‘no,’ spending more money than they make “gifting” the children (best electronics, cars before they even have their driver’s license, extravagant trips.) Normally, a single mom can’t compete with a dual-salary household and everyone knows what a child’s mind chooses.
Re: “I think that when a child feel like they must prove their loyalty to one parent it’s probably because that parent is putting pressure on them.” Exactly, and a pressure a child’s mind cannot dissect –
Re: “Chi has released her son from that. She has given him permission to love without guilt.” I think what you’re saying is, “Chi gave her son permission to love Mary without guilt.” We are not privy to Chi’s personal story, only her final decision. No doubr Chi’s formative years were spent in a culture where women had little or no value compared to a man. In that environment, she may have always envisioned her son as his father’s rather than her’s, too. Such a starting-point would make it easier to make the decisions she made – which, in the end, could possibly be her only REAL choice. We’ll never know.
Re: “Children have endless capacity for love, it doesn’t run out.” What a lovely thought. However, when one set of parents steal the time “to love,” first the child forgets, they live in the moment. Second, the child’s confusion at “What has/is happening?,” is overwhelming, freezing their ability to share their love – for it is “dangerous” to their feelings of security, a paramount need in all of us.
Does this help with any understanding, or have my communicative skills failed again?
I read that reply several times. I feel a lot of passion in it. You really seem to put a lot of blame on fathers and make several assumptions.
The bottom line is this, the adults choose how to behave and that has a direct impact on how a child feels and behaves. The dynamics of the adult’s interpersonal relationships should never negatively affect the kids.
It’s not fair to burden a child with any of it. It doesn’t matter who wronged who the child should not be part of that.
If dad cheats on mom that means he’s no being a great parter, it doesn’t mean he’s a bad dad. Why would any parent want their child to know bad things about their parent?
We all choose our behavior, we are responsible for our own relationships. I still think kids have unlimited capacity to love, we all do. It’s when adults get territorial that it becomes a problem.
For love to work in blended families, there can’t be an avenger, liar or manipulative opportunist in the circle of communication. Especially for biological mothers, the idealistic path you are promoting is tilted to annihilate the child/mother connection & even annihilate the biological mother in the child’s life. And, really, is it in the best interest of the children? Parental Santa-Claus behavior to gain the loyalty of the children only produces children who believe they deserve everything they want and the children learn devious skills of manipulation to get what their child-minds want. I’d be careful not to put guilt on biological mothers for not completing the “circle of love,” as you call it, when avengers, liars and manipulative opportunists are in that circle. Shouldn’t you be confronting the avengers, liars and opportunists and how THEY ARE damaging the children?
For you to cone to this conclusion because she used the term “my kids” is ludicrous. You are ASSuming things in a situation you are not apart of and making accusations. Maybe you are pouring what happened to you or someone you know info her story but you don’t know her story or the kids stories. Not all parents who have birthed children should be parents. Just because you can reproduce doesn’t mean you always should.
I couldn’t have said it any better Heidi!
this post brought tears to my eyes, too. my ex and i will sign the final papers in the next few days, and the one big stumbling block we’ve faced in getting it all done is my opposition to letting him introduce his mistress to our kids. i have come a long way in the 7 months since i found out about her–after he spent a year letting me turn myself inside out trying to save the marriage, while he lied to my face every day–but i am still so angry at both of them. i feel that this woman has already hurt my kids by helping to destroy their family–why should i welcome her into their lives? i know i can’t prevent it from happening, but i want to delay it as long as i can, because the bottom line is i am terrified that they will come to love her more than they love me, and that they will reject me for this woman just like their father did. the whole drama stirs up so much of my childhood pain, it’s hard to imagine ever being able to choose love. i don’t know if i’m strong enough to let that hurt go. it feels like the worst kind of disloyalty to myself, like saying what he did to me was all ok. i know that’s not what forgiveness really means, and i don’t know that this woman is really the villain i’ve made her out to be, but this is the hardest thing i have ever done, and i hate him for making me do it.
oh vikki….i have no “right” words. just wanted to give you a virtual hug. sister on warrior.
Sending hugs and prayers your way, fellow Monkee. Don’t rush your feelings. It seems that this is still incredibly new for you and your family and you have every right to feel hurt and betrayed. Don’t rush the healing process and I have no doubt you will get there eventually.
Like Glennon always says, WE CAN DO HARD THINGS… but it isn’t always right away.
This is one of the situations that you can say that the “sistering” approach isn’t for everyone. You will most likely, never be close friends with this woman that contributed to your marriage ending. One thing to remember is, SHE didn’t ruin your marriage. She didn’t owe you and your family loyalty, your husband did. It will be the hardest thing you ever do, I promise, but it will be the most loving thing you can ever do for your kids and believe it or not for you too. Offer grace. Accountability says that you will not offer her friendship. Grace says that you will not hurt her or your kids either. If it takes everything in you, try to avoid passing your negative betrayal on to your children. Let them love their dad & possibly this other woman too. Loving someone else will never hurt anyone and will just help with a healing journey for you and your children. Pray for strength and guidance. Surround yourself by people who encourage you to do the right thing, not the easiest thing. Let love win and hate not control you. I wish you well on this journey.
I have to disagree that no blame can be put on the other woman. Yes, it is the spouse that bears the most responsibility but a person who gets involved with a married person knows they are likely splitting up a family and are not blameless, at the very least in a moral sense. I say this as someone who lived through this as a child and I know my Mother’s boyfriend knew she was married and did not care about the effect on my sister or myself. Vikki I know what a hard situation this is and I think the key is take care of yourself and your kids abd accept that they will make their own decisions about this other woman, but you need to stop yourself from influencing that relationship. I felt like a pawn in an adult game as a child and it took me a long time to get over it. If you are angry or need to vent, just make sure it is to a friend or counselor and not the kids. It is never a good situation, but as hard as it is on you, you do have the choice to make it easier or harder on the kids, and down the road they will still know what their Dad did was wrong, but hopefully they will remember how you handled it with their best interests at heart. Hugs!
Just fake it for the kids sake. As a former child of this exact situation I can honestly say that the best gift you can give your kids is to fake it until time allows you to heal, and it will. There is a great web site called Ex-etiquette that provides good advice for how to heal and do the right thing for your kids in blended family situations. After having been the child in this situation I am now a step-mom that started dating my husband before the divorce was final so we had to work through similar issues because I was considered the other woman. 8 years later my husbands ex and I aren’t best friends but we get along pretty good and even bond over some shared thoughts about the kids. It won’t be perfect and it is always a little stressful to some degree but I can report that the ex has a great boyfriend of 2 years that she is really happy with, and my husband and I are the same. You should also find some peace in knowing that no other woman will ever take the title of Mom to your kids away from you–it’s not possible. I pray this other woman is a kind, caring person and that at some point you ALL will find peace and a stable environment from which to operate. Just remember the kids and put them first for they are the innocent party to all of this change.
Vikki…I’m 7 years into this exact situation and I’ll be honest with you: it isn’t easy. I have managed to forgive my ex (don’t ask how, it kind of just occurred to me one day) but I still harbor much anger towards “the other woman” even though they are now married and have a child. I think most of my anger stems from the fact that my ex has not made much of an effort to include our four kids into his new life..and neither has she. They’ve all missed out on so much…especially the kids.
I don’t have much advice to offer but I do want to give you a “been there, done that” hug and let you know you’re not alone.
Thank you all for your comments to Vikki. You go through this hell, and you feel so alone. I need to hear from these survivors! You women are my role-models, and I just love hearing so many positive women, loving their kids, and living out Forgiveness. It is so so hard. The best book I’ve read has been Total Forgiveness. Just so much truth, and it is so freeing to forgive. Oh so hard, but so freeing.
And Therapy is the gift you give yourself! I think Glennon said that…….. I tell myself that every Tuesday when I don’t want to go, but it’s the best gift I’ve done for myself.
Emily
Can I be absolutely honest here? I’m not here. I’m NOWHERE close to here. Every person the Ex-Mr. brings into my Little’s lives I am instantly jealous of. Oh, I don’t let her know or them for that matter, but it kills me. It destroys me still that he threw us away for the chances with them. That instead of the 5 of us, it is the 5 of them and the 4 of us. I know this is my battle, this is my problem, but I find still, 18 months later, I’m remiss to let it go. How beautiful of Mary and Chi to have worked this out despite one had to lose for the other to win.
I’m with ya Mandy. It just sucks……….to the core. I’m glad to read from others that it does get better and we can survive this.
My step-son thinks his mom and I are the very best of friends. And he’ll never know otherwise! Some days, we have to “fake it till we make it”, but we DO make it. I’m not sure I would ever call her my sister, but I’m okay with calling her my friend. We do what we have to for our kids!
That is amazing and selfless. Well done!!!! You are a true role model.
Such a hard and beautiful thing. When “she” was the mistress, I hated her. When the divorce was final and “she” was the girlfriend, I tolerated her. Now “she” is the wife, and therefore my boys’ step-mom. And because of that I will accept her, appreciate her, and not criticize her. I don’t think we’ll ever be friends; but I will always love the love she and her family have given my wonderful sons.
My dearest friend became a stepmom to four children after their mother took her own life. HER family has been the biggest support to my friend, babysitting, attending events, cheerleading for her and the children, supporting her marriage. There are rough spots, to be sure, but their extraordinary love in the face of their “inherited grief” is a thrilling example of how to soldier on.
I wept, and then stared at the empty comment box for a long time. I have 3 children; the older 2 steps and the youngest birthed, the oldest a boy and the younger 2 girls. Even after 5 years and her own marriage, my “big kids” mom continues to make our lives incredibly difficult. Today, after dealing with further re-wranglings over summer plans and more (false) accusations over finances I have had a hard time not just sitting on the floor and crying – which is not possible with a 2 1/2 year old, or socially acceptable during story-time at the library.
I would love to imagine a place where this kind of relationship would be possible. I choose to offer grace and kindness with every interaction. I choose to be hopeful for the future… but it’s getting harder, Monkees. It’s getting harder every week not to roll my eyes, or curse her in my head. I’m having such a hard time finding compassion anymore. When someone continues to hurt those you love… particularly when they’re children… well I’m running out of cheeks, and I think I’m about at 69×7.
Today, as the toddler sleeps (Thank You, Jeebus!) I drink tea, and hide in Facebook, and watch the light rippling on the tablecloth, and cry in the presence of warriors.
Carry on. And thank you for carrying me.
Jude, your story rips at me…the nastiness of situations like this hurts. so. much. Wish it were different for you, and admiring your perseverance at digging deep for compassion when the well seems dry. This sounds so hard…just wanted to know my eyes welled up at your story.
Thank you Carolyn. Your encouragement means the world tonight. x
A different Carolyn, who also wants to be there, standing with you, taking deep breaths and looking for the sunrise…
Jude, this was so beautiful. It’s hard, though isn’t it, when people won’t dance with us? It’s hard to dance by yourself. I hope that loves lights the way in all directions in your family. In the meantime, I honor your intentions and your spirit.
Oh Jude – I feel your words so strongly, it brings tears. Please know you are not alone. I have such a unique situation – I can’t even begin to explain; but basically – there is a mean, hurtful, manipulative woman involved in my family as well. She has intentionally hurt me beyond belief and she always uses her children as the pawn for bringing this hurt. This of course hurts my children and all the children involved. This has been going on for 7 years. It’s so hard. I try to be a good person in spite of all the adversity. I too try to be the graceful one and continually turn the other cheek. I really, really try to act and react as God would want me to. I try to set a good example. I’ve even forgiven – and that somedays feels impossible. I’ve learned that forgiveness is an on going process. You have to continually choose to re-forgive because the devil throws that past hurt back at you when you least expect it. Some days, I’m not as good about forgiving, but I try so hard. I internalize most of the hurt because I’m a mom who loves her family and protecting them from hurt is what we do. But I cry a lot. I don’t talk to anyone about all this hurt because no one can understand. The few people who I have talked to briefly respond with anger. Outsiders think I should leave. But I choose love. Every day, I am hopeful that eventually, love will win this battle. It may take my whole lifetime. I feel your pain. I feel everything you are saying. I too have a toddler, so I know that breaking down is not always an option. I cry in secret. I don’t have any answers for you. I so wish I did. The fact is, I whole heartedly love a man who has a mean, hurtful ex ( I believe that you and I have that in common). This manipulative ex sometimes messes with my man’s ability to show his love. Her actions have affected our relationship. The love is still there, but it gets lost in the rubble sometimes. But I choose love. I always choose love. I have to actively choose to remind him how to love. I have to continually remind myself how to love. Love will eventually benefit all the children involved. Deep down inside, I believe that love will win, but it is SO DAMN HARD. Hate and anger is easier; I know this. Somedays, the hate and anger prevail, and then, even though I get a lot of yelling out – I some how feel worse. Taking that easy route and letting the devil in really does mess things up even more. I’m here on this journey because God put me here. Apparently, He thinks I’m stronger than I know. Not sure how I feel about that!! Sorry this got so long. I rarely comment on things, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. You are never alone. You are a strong, beautiful, powerful woman and mother. God’s love will win this battle.
I am filled to the brim with exclamation points! I can’t quite believe that my comment is quoted here with the beautiful story of Chi and Mary.
Please let me know if I can be of help with any other construction metaphors. To be frank though, I think that well is dry. It’s mostly a lot of dirt and concrete and grumpy contractors.
It’s good to be a Monkee!!!
Well, thank you SO MUCH for this beautiful insight into carpentry. (Jesus was a carpenter – coincidence? I doubt it!)
I am using this story, and especially the “Sistering” term as part of my lesson on Sunday (tomorrow) to the group of women in my church. We call ourselves “sisters,” as in, “Hi, Sister Trujillo, how are you today?” We all just NEED to hear this!! How beautiful! How incredible! And how much MEANING it puts behind the word “sister.” Thank you, thank you Amber! Virtual hugs! I love you!!
Our son was 14 and our daughter was 12 when my husband and I split up…his new girlfriend was 25 years younger than me and tons of fun! The best thing I ever did was to forgive myself for the role I played in the demise of my marriage and forgive my husband; by doing so it freed me up to come from love instead of hurt and anger. The fun they have with their father and his new girlfriend never stepped on my mommy-hood, I never felt threatened, we attended all family functions and milestone events together. Now the kids are 25 & 23 and have a true appreciation for harmony and a deeper love and respect for their parents and the efforts we took to make harmony and balance possible.
This is beautiful. And I think you’re right that forgiving yourself and your ex is probably the key. “We’re both human; we both goofed up, and that’s ok.” What a refreshingly healthy way to respond to the pain of divorce, and how much better your family because of it!
I can’t bring myself to “sister with” my husband’s girlfriend, and yes you read that right (we are still married) — but I AM grateful that she is good to my boy, and never say anything bad about her to my son (nor does she badmouth me). His father loves two women, and while it is hard for us (I’m sure it’s hard for her, too!) — it is good that he gets loving environments in both our homes. For that, I am grateful!
I have a feeling these situations are more common than we realize – with a 50% divorce rate (and situations like mine), there are lots of kids growing up with multiple parent figures. Showing them that it can be peaceful and loving is a gift. I agree, “more love for my son” is the way to go. There’s never “less love for mom.” I’m still “Mom” after all! 🙂
<3
I’m so very lucky and blessed that my son has a great step-mother. She loves, loves, loves my son and my other children (different father). She also has a great relationship with her ex-husband and his partner. It’s really wonderful. I also have a great step-mother too (my father is another story though).
I can add to this also. I am not only the “stepmom” but also the “step grandma”. I am so blessed to be not only accepted but welcomed into their lives. As the ex-wife has told me, everyone needs as much love as possible in this world. She totally accepts me and we do almost all family things as a group. It is truly wonderful!!
This is just one of the best stories I have heard. Just amazing. I don’t know what it feels like to go through a messy divorce, etc BUT – what wonderful women to look at what really matters in the whole mess. The child brought into this world. Chi and Mary. The both of you are going to really have a lighter load in your heart for doing this. Hugs!
My son’s First Communion was this weekend and we had a big party to celebrate. My ex-husband and I have our ups and downs, but can be there and love our son on these special occasions. His whole family showed up and my current husband and I welcomed them into our home. My ex-husband’s girlfriend’s family invites me and the children (including the daughter I have from with my husband) to family birthday parties and holidays as well. If it can work, let it hapen because it is great for the kids. I love the idea of giving this book to my current husband’s ex-wife. Such a good idea. My step-son really wants us all to get along as we do with my ex-husband’s family (that will take LOTS more work). Maybe I will try it this Mother’s Day.
I am the divorced mom of 2 wonderful daughters. Their father remarried, and I decided that my girls could always use more love. They not only got another woman to love them but bonus grandparents too! To be honest, it was not easy, but totally worth it to make friends with my ex’s new wife. We truly enjoy the looks and comments we get when we go to the girls’ school activities together and introduce ourselves.
My parents were divorced when I was 12, but the best possible gift they have even given to my sister and I was remaining great friends, respecting each other and parenting us together. When my first marriage fell apart, I thought there was No Way that my ex and I would be able to work together to co-parent our little girl. Flash forward four years later- My ex husband just spent this Christmas with me, our daughter, my new husband, my step daughter and me and my new husbands one year old. A blended family is HARD, HARD work. It takes a lot of letting go, struggling, love, crying, more letting go, forgiveness and remembering that love always wins. People always comment on how happy and well adjusted my daughters are and I would like to think that it’s because they are surrounded by a network of so much love.
G, this post touched my heart because I’ve experienced BOTH sides of this. My parents divorced when I was 8 and it was U.G.L.Y. They were so wrapped up in their own anger and pain, they could not see what their vitriol toward one another was doing to my sister and I (hurting us tremendously, for one). Even now, more than 20 years later, they can barely be in a room together. I swear G, if I only had one wish from a magic genie in a bottle, I would wish for my parents to get along. To be friends. To be able to look each other in the eye.
My mom re-married when I was 9 and my stepdad is like a second dad to me. His relationship with his ex-wife did not end well, but they found their way to peace, and now my mom and her are good friends. She is a wonderful woman, and I make it a point to invite her to birthday parties, baptisms, family dinners, etc… and she comes! And we all have a wonderful time, and the room is filled, from floor to ceiling, with what I can only call love.
SO. People who are getting divorced… I know it’s hard, I know it hurts more than anything has ever hurt before, but I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY… you will be grateful if you choose love. You will be so, SO grateful, and your kids will be, too.
xo
I am in the very beginning stages of a divorce and to be brutally honest, I barely want to share my sons with my husband, much less his potential future girlfriend. This story is beautiful and gives me hope that maybe some day there will be a healthy outcome to this situation (assuming my husband can get himself healthy enough to be safely involved). Divorce is ugly and messy but God can make beautiful! Thanks for sharing this amazing story of love. I pray I can share in the sister joist sometime in the future.
I am right there with you Rachael.
Rachael,
It hurts. I know. I watched from a distance as my now-husband and his ex-wife went through the divorce. It broke his heart and hers and their 4 year old little girl’s. Divorce is ugly and messy and we want the people we love (even our children) to be there loving and supporting and hugging on us through it all. You can do this. And in years ahead, you’ll find some peace. I believe that. Keep working at it and you’ll find it. And we’ll sister you up in the meantime!
Awesome! A child cannot have too many people who love them and want to help them succeed.
I have tears in my eyes as I am writing. My children were just complaining a bit about how my ex’s girlfriend is treating them. Thank you for sharing and encouraging us that we are not alone and that some things are worth fighting for.
I’m a step-mom to two almost, but not quite grown up boys. Their mom and I never had a good relationship, little to no contact at all as we lived in different countries. She died last year. I cried and cried for those boys that they’d lost their mom far too early. My hope and prayer each day is that I’m able to be a sister joist in their life… not their mom, but at least a constant who loves them like crazy. It’s true that blending isn’t easy, but I do have a really beautiful family; I’m so grateful for it.
Joanna, I adopted my stepsons at 7 and 9 after their mom died of cervical cancer. I then divorced their father and am raising them 90% on my own. They are the healthiest and happiest anyone has ever seen them. Love them with your whole entire self, and they will be thankful for a life in which a second mom picked up when the first was unable to finish.
You two are astonishing spirits in this world and I’m grateful. Thank you for sharing your stories.
Today is my 25th wedding anniversary. 25 years ago I became a step-parent. I will say this is the hardest relationship to do well. It calls for loving with no expectation. And, that’s what I did. I won’t say my step-sons’ mom accepted me at first, but 25 years later we celebrate birthdays and holidays together. It takes work and sometimes many years but we both are grateful to have the friendship we enjoy today.
Amen to the it is the hardest relationship to do well. I have been a step mom for 15 years to 2 wonderful boys and tried to be the steadfast parent as their mom went through a second incredibly ugly divorce. Her children from the second marriage call my biologic children their quarter sibs (as in their 1/2 brothers 1/2 siblings). We are heading to college graduation shortly and will ALL be together cheering for the oldest (including grandparents). It is hard, sometimes with no immediate rewards, but ultimately it is all about love, through and through.
I seriously wish more moms and Stepmoms got this. In my work with blended families, especially women in the stepmom role, jealousy and insecurity lead to ex family discord. The Sister Joise only works when both women drop the jealousy and insecurity. It only works when they chose love over fear. My husband’s ex and I chose love over fear.
Oh my gosh! This reminds me of my friend Jodi, whose ex’s girlfriend stayed home to take care of her son when he was sick…and then Jodi went to pick up her little boy with flowers. 🙂
I keep that story in my pocket for moments when I feel like my heart doesn’t want to enlarge to include people who intimidate me!!!
Thank you Glennon, Mary, and Chi for another one for the pocket. That is a pocket that just needs to get heavier!
Not in this same situation but almost 17 years ago, I lost my Lobster, my sister.
Since that time, I have been blessed with Sistering exactly as you have described it in your post today. And each time I realize that THIS person, this new Sister is exactly what I needed for some thing I needed to do, or learn or be. Then, I say a little prayer in my heart. I say “Thank you Annette for sending me a new Sister since it will be more time until we are together again. I see you with me, still.”
XO, G…thanks for helping me make the connection today!
I lost my sister 3 years ago to suicide. The pain is still so raw, I sometimes forget to be thankful. Your reminder triggered specific memories of sistering… and a strong desire to acknowledge these lovely ladies with acts of gratitude today.
<3
Oh, this made me cry. I don’t know whether I wish I would have this kind of relationship with my stepdaughter’s mother. I do wish she would think of the “more love for my girl” concept, instead of seeming like she’s always out to prove “ain’t nobody your momma but me.” A direct quote from several years ago. As of now, of course, we are warrioring through every day, and I have always thought of myself as an add on mom, or a “bonus mom,” a term I’ve heard used before. Of course I never intended to take the place of my daughter’s biological mom. If one of my children is in the position to become someone’s bonus parent some day, I will certainly encourage as positive a relationship as possible with the biological parent. “More love for my child” should be where they start.
This post hit me hard. I’m a stepmom to an amazing young lady. Her mother and I have struggled with our relationship for more than eight years. Sometimes it gets really hard. This has inspired me to give her a copy of Carry on Warrior. She is a warrior, we all are. In two days our sweet 9 year old girl goes in for a surgery and biopsy. Our messy family could use some prayers.
Allison — Praying that your daughter does well in surgery and recovery, and that whatever the results of the biopsy — and please God that they be good! — that you will be united in Love for each other and your little girl.
Allison, I’m a stepmom to a young lady too. Praying for you!
Wow, that is phenomenal. Thanks for sharing this love story!
Jenni
Wow! How touching – brought tears to me eyes! Thank you for sharing. This is love.
I am not in the position of a blended family, but I have experienced much sistering lately. I live with bipolar disorder and lately, the battle has been awful, just awful. I would not have made it without the sistering that I have been the recipient of. Thank you for sharing this story. These women are very strong.
Hang in there, Charity. Mental illess sucks. I’ve had a long, hard battle with major depressive disorder, and my husband has had diagnoses of both bipolar and schizoeffective. I’m so glad you have support. It’s okay to need that help. Life does get better, and it really does get amazingly brutiful. 🙂
Blending families is SO hard, and beautiful, and exhausting, and so worth it! As a step child, and now a step mom, navigating the often muddy, rough waters of blending a family is enough to say “I’m done!” I am 9 years into my relationship with my husband and step kid. We have great days and hard weeks, and awesome months. I’m lucky to have a very supportive husband. What these women have discovered is amazing and beautiful! Is it for everybody, no. But if it works, that is wonderful!! Love wins!
Dedicating this post to Liz, the one I’m sistering with. LOVE.
I will dedicate this post to Michelle, the one I’m sistering with!
This is so beautiful!
It is heartbreaking how one person who is incapable of love can hurt innocent children. My boys no longer have a relationship with their dad as she forbids it and he complies. I read Love Warrior and I thought how beautiful it is to divorce and remain so connected . We had that too but then came the one who didn’t like our arrangement. So, she decided to take that away and he agreed. My 19 year old received a message from me the other day which is a quote from the book and also some of my own own words. .” Addictions are safe little deadly hiding places where sensitive people retreat from love and pain No one can touch us there, so we feel protected. But since love and pain are the only thing that grow us, we start dying as soon as we hide . ” I know u miss our old life . I know you felt loved there . Im sorry ❤️. I love you more today than anyone could love their son . We walked through the pain now lets learn to live without the kind of love we knew with dad . Its sad but its different and you are still loved.
I was talking to my son about our addiction to food.