You guys, I just have a hot second here, but I need your attention because I just got back from therapy and have something to report. I am going to tell you all the things I learn there, because therapy is quite expensive but if 150,000 of us can benefit, then I’ll feel like it’s a really decent investment.
So, today my smart therapist said this:
There are three different levels of Looking at and Thinking About Other People.
Level One is the way a child sees other people. Innocent and purely. Children, before they hit a certain level of age/experience don’t see faults in others. All is good.
Level Two is when we grow up a little and “wisen up.” Think teenagers. Now we can see the faults of others clearly. And so we think it’s our job to prove how smart we have become by pointing those faults out. When we are operating at Level Two, we assume that anyone who is NOT pointing out other people’s faults is naïve- or just not smart enough to see the faults. We need to educate everybody about everybody else. Many people operate this way their whole lives.
But just because people aren’t pointing out each others faults doesn’t mean they can’t see them. Most of us CAN see each other’s faults and gifts pretty clearly. But when people are operating on Level Three, they have wisened up even more. Yes- of course they see the strengths and the weaknesses in the people around them pretty clearly- just as clearly as the Level Two-ers. But they know that usually, it’s wiser and more gentle and more helpful to point out strengths and leave the weaknesses be. And they’d rather be wise, helpful and gentle than “smart.”
Level Three-ers take other people in like they take in a child’s orchestra concert. Kids concerts don’t sound all that good. They are a train wreck, really, when you break them down into their parts. Their parts are mostly missed notes and flats and sharps and kids crying and snotty noses and uncomfortable plastic chairs and maybe a splitting headache or two.
But when we refuse to break a kids’ concert down into its imperfect parts and take it in as a whole – we realize that right there – in the midst of the mess – somehow, some really beautiful and holy music is being made. We get the chills for how lovely all the imperfect parts are together.
To folks with Level-Three eyes, people are like kids’ concerts. They don’t sound perfect. They are a big old collection of faults sometimes. But taken as a whole, they can give you the chills, they’re so holy.
Dear God,
Help me look at everyone who crosses my path today through Level Three Eyes.
Love,
G
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I have to disagree! Haha, I realize how “level 2” that sounds but I think we all need to learn how to give and receive constructive criticism. Otherwise we, as people can never even hope to become an “adult Orchestra”. Obviously I think criticism needs to come from the right person at the right time 🙂 Jesus used harsh truth without apology. At one point he told Peter, “get behind me Satan” that’s pretty harsh!
As Marcel Proust reminds us, “Everything has already been said but, since no one pays attention, it has to be repeated each morning.”
This post made my morning. I personally don’t care whether it was brand-spanking-new or recycled from last year. It was new to me, and I thoroughly appreciated it!
Thank you for sharing! I would LOVE to come to your next therapy session to ask your therapist if she believes people should look through level three eyes in every area of life, including the world of politics. We are all surrounded by people seeking democratic leadership and some of those people are so unworthy of any political office (at the local, state, and federal level). I wonder if your therapist would advise others to remain in level 3 mode for these people as well? During any campaign, do you just assume others around you are aware of a candidate who may have made some really pore decisions? Or do you switch to level two eyes and inform other voters? You have really sparked my curiosity here! When I read your definition of “level three”, I think it is the perfect description for our political groups. In the “midst of the mess”, some groups are making beautiful music. However, some (especially at the local level) are SOOOO not making beautiful music together. Many voters will still go to the polls oblivious to the actions of certain candidates. So, is it our duty to inform, possiibly forcing us to look through level two eyes? Or do we hang on to those level three eyes for every single situation in life?
This reminded me of a favorite quote (of Viktor Frankl from Maxwell’s Developing the Leader Within You)
“If you treat people to a vision of themselves, if you apparently overrate them, you make them what they are capable of becoming. You know, if we take people as they are, we make them worse. If we take them as they should be, we help them become what they can be…If you say this is idealism – overrating man – then I must answer, ‘Idealism is the real realism, because you can help people actualize themselves.'”
I may need to emplement this theory into my work life.
Caryl
Well said G,now here is my experience as a Level 3 most of my life…always picked on at school,both in the USA and Greece,as everybody thought I was naive,little did they know. I have never judged a person by first impression but always been judged at the blink of an eye. At some point in adulthood I shed that childlike nature and since then have never stopped pointing out the faults of other people,but only within the four walls of my house which makes life quite miserable for me and my family…I can’t stand being around people or socialising with them,I no longer see any point in trying to reasoning with them. It sounds horrible on my behalf and many may think that I consider myself better than others.I do not seek approval from others anymore. Furthermore, what I think is that if children had the chance to keep a kind nature then they would.But everything is taught at home and children reflect the nasty behavior of their parents,sorry if I offend some. And my son isn’t half as nasty as most kids out there. I hope that some parents who read your blog will take these words from a victim of verbal and psychological bullying into consideration. Because I struggle every day of my life trying to overcome this nasty-in-my-home new me that I have become.
CONTINUE THE GREAT WORK G AND INSPIRE PEOPLE TO STRIVE FOR A BETTER SELF!
I am a level three and I am shutting down the chatterbox in my head. Lord, I need the support and guidance. Thank you for sharing your therapy with us.
I was told once that if you want to have a good relationship with anyone you have to allow them three glaring faults.
I love this. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists, “Eric’s Song” by Vienna Teng, which almost always makes me cry:
strange how certain the journey
time unfolds the petals for our eyes to see
strange how this journey’s hurting
in ways we accept as part of fate’s decree
so we just hold on fast
acknowledge the past
as lessons exquisitely crafted
painstakingly drafted
to carve us as instruments
that play the music of life
Vienna Teng is amazing!
Thanks G! Really good one for today.
I was JUST thinking I need to try and see/look with eyes of love.
It can change everything.
And P.S. I went to my first school orchestra concert this school year – I had been warned about it so I was expecting it to be something to be “endured” – but you know what?, I saw all those innocent little souls up on stage trying their best and I was moved to tears. It just hit me – BAM – beautiful <3
(I also decided the 2 music teachers who managed all those kids with poise and calm must actually be angels on earth.)
Just realized my husband is still stuck in level 2–sigh
Thank you. I am really struggling trying not to be offended by a Level Twoer in my life who seemingly only sees my faults. I was wondering what the motivation/payoff is to stay at Level Two? Is it a need to feel superior? Or a way of keeping up a wall? Or is it just a personality type that can’t be changed? I really wonder.
Thank you , Glennon. Great that inspiration and wisdom can find us through whatever means necessary. Therapy for one can become an online reminder for another. Now that is utilizing our resources!
Finally someone was able to vocalize it. Many people live in the level 2 all our lives and I guess I should cut my kids some slack that they are not level 3’s yet. More maturity is needed I suppose, but I should guide them.
Love that insight! We are much better guides when we see our kiddos as whole, not as “apprentice people” that have not yet arrived. Totally borrowed that wisdom 🙂
How do you do it? How do you keep cranking out these profound regurgitations of how life is? This post in particular, makes me think of a new song title: “I only have level three eyes, for you.”
Thanks Glennon and, I too ask, “Help me look at everyone who crosses my path today through Level Three Eyes”
Oooh – one of the first essays I read in college was about the three levels of thinking! Obviously it’s a lesson I actually remembered. Thanks for reminding me. We humans need reminders constantly.
I’ve got work to do. The whole family is level 2-ing!!
Wow. This is wise. Thank you for letting us share your therapy experience. And you found an AMAZING therapist.
Oh my gosh- this really hit me. For the past week I’ve been trying to address in husband some abusive behavior- alcohol and prescription drug abuse- and I have been going about it all wrong. My husband even told me the other day that I never say I’m proud of him any more… and that sentence didn’t really sink in until I read this entry and I can’t thank you enough for sharing this wisdom.
Terry, loving others with grace doesn’t mean tolerating anything they care to dish out. Addiction requires strong boundaries as a part of love and in tandem with grace. I pray for wisdom and a strong support network in your journey.
I just recently liked your blog on Facebook, and have been reading daily. I really enjoy what you write. It is so real! I have connected on so many levels and it has really touched my heart! Thank you for doing what you do. Your positive influence is making a difference in people’s lives. God Bless You!
Thanks for going to therapy and sharing your wisdom with us! You brought me to tears.
And may we all look at ourselves with level three eyes, too.
Well said! Often outer experiences are a reflection of inner, to love thy neighbor as one loves oneself, the key is the level three view {love} one holds for oneself and through grace and compassion extends to all the other messy blessed beings around.
Good point.
G,
Thank you so much for posting this. I have been following and reading for a long, long time. Your words have touched me so many ways.
Sometimes they hit me right between the eyes; other times they hit my heart. There are other days when they wrap me up and soothe me.
Today is a soothe me day, you see, we laid my oldest son to rest yesterday and everyone kept telling me how he always saw the best in people. He had level 3 eyes, always. For EVERYONE. He was able to hear the music in the midst of the mess and he chose to celebrate it all. He found the holy in everyday life and you put to words what my heart knew and so many people tried to say yesterday. So today,for him, I will chose to find the holy and hear the music in the mess.
Thank you, G. Keep showing us just how brutiful life can be.
<3
I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. May you be blessed with an abundance of strength for the difficult days ahead, and may you always feel the love and support of those that grieve with you – you are never alone.
Sending a Mother’s love to you Christine. God Bless you and your family dear lady.
So sorry for your loss…
Christine, I am so, so sorry. I feel pain for you but cannot possibly understand your own. How wonderful for you to have that memory of your son.
Pausing to pray for you. Life is just brutiful isn’t it.
Christine, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found something that provided you with some soothing thoughts. My tears flow for your loss.
Christine, I am so sad thinking about what you are going through today. I can not imagine the strength it must take for you to warrior on.
So very sorry for your loss. Holding space for you, sweet Monkee <3
You are wise to take time to heal. Thanks for sharing this “snapshot” of your amazing child. Love to you and yours.
Chillbumps… lifting you up.
Christine, my heart tells me that your beautiful son has his Mother’s eyes <3, words cannot describe the stillness that came over me as I read your words. Thank you for sharing this beautiful glimpse of your son….prayers that this IS a soothing day for you and yours <3
Christine, my heart aches. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Dear Karmen, As a utilizer of great therapy, I’ve learned that faith takes practice. Don’t stop. Keep going.
Thank you. We moved a year ago and I have not been able to bring myself to start that whole process over again.
At any level we can elect whether or not to interact with the behavior of the person.
If the person is truly hurting you or others, then they should be told that. If they continue, it should be reported.
That is not judging the person. It is not seeing that they are wounded. It is refusing to be poisoned or let their poison spread.
THAT is hard work too.
There’s an important distinction to be made between actual abuse, and just the everyday, routine hurt that results from imperfect people rubbing up against other imperfect people. Like a big family all making Thanksgiving dinner together in a crowded kitchen, toes are going to get trampled, and we can choose to shriek and point fingers over it, or focus on the love and togetherness and the understanding that we’re going to trample some feet, too.
I agree… it’s important to make the distinction between being tolerant in the face of abusive behavior and the fact that being humans we each have strengths and weaknesses which need to be respected. Critical people aren’t don’t make good friends to themselves or others. And neither do abusive people.
Love this Thanksgiving metaphor, Vicki! It is so easy to imagine yelling at someone else for toe stomping… without stopping to think if I’m doing the same thing. XO
Thank you G. I feel like you’re my best friend that I’ve never met. 🙂 Hope that isn’t creepy. What if… just for today… we focused on each others strengths, not weaknesses. Resentment slips away. We begin to see each other as God sees us. What a beautiful day it would be. Then we get to wake up tomorrow and start all over again.
Beautiful post. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this! I love this idea and will have to share it with my clients too. The messy pieces of all of life, of us and our loved ones create this beautiful whole to make our life masterpiece! Beautiful! Thank you also, for your ongoing courage especially in owning going to therapy, as a therapist who sees my own therapist it is amazing to see! Justine
I read something in a parenting book once that was revolutionary to me, yet so incredibly simple. It said the best way to “change” a behavior in our child is to point out when they get it right. My kids are so young that I often get caught up in a you’re-doing-this-wrong, here’s-what-you-should-do-instead mindset that it’s hard to break free of that. Those words come to me every time I want bend toward negative instead of positive, because it takes work to be more vocal about the good than the annoying. Like children, we all respond better to affirmation of strengths. If we walked around celebrating the good parts of each other, instead of dwelling on the bad, we would see a much different world. Much easier said than done, of course, but I believe it’s possible!
This is so true! Rewarding good behavior is WAY more effective than punishing the bad.
This was brought home to me the other day when a new family came to our church. The kids were not just polite and well-mannered. They went completely out of their way to HELP – open the doors for people, run and fetch dropped toys when a stranger next to them was struggling with her baby, etc. I wondered what was UP with these kids, and then I watched one of them rush to the car to retrieve a bag for his mother. His mother AND father immediately praised the child in a very direct and personal way, and the child was just beaming. Rather than being distracted, or looking for things to “correct,” these parents were clearly on the lookout for things to encourage. I wondered what their home, what their marriage, was like. I’ve never forgotten the impression that family made on me.
I want to be THAT family. 🙂
I am so inspired by this example! Not only does this blog bring lovely truths to me, the comments feel like the best conversation among friends.
Genuinely seeing our kiddos takes intentionality.
I would love to recommend a book, Everyday Blessings by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn for those searching for more direction in this area. I am only part way through and can already tell that l am better for it.
G- I was just thinking about therapy today and how hard it is. I get stuck in the trust of it. I was wondering how it is you get past that part and since I know a lot of therapists read your blog I was wondering if maybe they could give me some idea on how to get past that part of it. I wrote this to explain how therapy looks like from my side of my mind.
Counseling: the view from this side of my mind.
*fact and fiction, but mostly fact*
I sit in the big brown leather chair, the one where the back curves round, I sink into it and rest my head. The chair is like a big brown Momma and I gather my legs up into her, folding like a child onto her lap.
I brought my pillow and blanket today, because even Momma isn’t enough to make me feel protected. I hug the pillow tight to my stomach and pull the soft fleece blanket over my lap. I am here to do battle and these things are my protection, my armor.
The woman across from me searches my eyes while I search hers. She is here to journey the battlefield with me. She tells me that I can trust her, be free to be me, to let the child hiding under all that armor speak.
I close my eyes and shut her out. All I want to do is sleep. I can feel the emotions as they rise and I push the pillow harder against me to keep them in. My breath deepens and my mind explodes with words that I won’t let slip.
“She is asking me to trust her. I want to trust her, but if I tell her, she won’t like me. She will never want to be my friend. Not that she can be my friend, but if she could, she would never want to, not if she knew me. But she doesn’t want to be my friend. Never. She never wants to be my friend. Weak. You are weak for even being here.”
My thoughts are interrupted by her voice.
“Where are you? What are you thinking?”
I open my eyes and look down at her cute and stylish shoes.
All I can think about are those shoes, how I wish I could wear such cute shoes.
“You aren’t here to talk about shoes! Focus. What do you say, how do you respond?” my brain scrambles. I cannot let the needy child speak, the need is too great, too risky, too vulnerable. “I’m not thinking anything.” Which is sort of the truth, because I am not thinking anything that I can say out loud.
She calls my bluff. “I know you were somewhere. I know your brain is not empty, you are holding something back.”
I look up at her with something defiant in my eye. “I don’t think I can really trust you. You don’t really care about me. I am paying you to care, so it isn’t real. Why should I trust someone who doesn’t even care?” I watch her face, examine her eyes to try and read her reaction behind her words. The face, the eyes, and the words all match.
“I know it is hard. It isn’t the same as if we had met and become friends elsewhere.”
As she says the word friend I have to look away and blink the tears back, the word opens a dam of emotion that I try to contain.
She continues, “I want you to know that I do care. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t listen. I wouldn’t ask questions.” She pauses for a moment as she reads my eyes that won’t look at her. I want to pull the blanket up over my head and hide. “What is that emotion? I can see it in your eyes.”
I still won’t look at her as I debate with myself on what to say. My better judgement tells me not to say anything, just ignore the question outright. I don’t want to be rude though, she doesn’t deserve rude. I open my mouth to speak and choke on the words. I close my mouth, swallow, and try again. “You,” my eyes close so that I can sneak out more words. “It wouldn’t matter.” That is as far as I get and I have to push myself into Momma deeper and pull the blanket up into my hands and under my chin.
“What wouldn’t matter?” She asks with a tone that says she really wants to know.
I stare at the blanket. “How we met, it wouldn’t matter.” The emotions are on the edge of my lips and are at risk of rushing out with the words that come next. “You would never be my friend.” The words have undone me. Even my armor is not enough to protect me and I pull the blanket up over my face to hide the streams of tears that the words have unleashed.
“Why do you think that?” She asks with what sounds like concern, or maybe pity.
I only shrug. Internally I am berating myself and answering her question.
“Way to go idiot. You slipped up good. You look like a freaking whiny loon. Boohoo, nobody will ever like poor you. SO WHAT?! You are pathetic, weak, why would she like you? Seriously?! I am not worth liking. I am awkward and I have no idea how to be normal.”
I wipe my eyes with the blanket, take a deep breath, and the turmoil calms. I look up at her, “You just wouldn’t.” I say, emotionless.
“Where did the emotions go?”
I have no answer. They just left. I shrug my shoulders, not out of avoidance, but because this time I really don’t know. “I don’t know.”
I study her face. She looks like she is making a mental note. “Hmmm. Okay.” she says.
The time is up. I gather up my pillow and blanket. I leave wondering why I even bother coming, but knowing that I need to, but feeling like I will never be able to trust. I need a friend. Even if I know that friend isn’t real, that the caring is bought and paid for, I still need to feel the premise of being cared for, even if it tears me up inside.
If you dont ever trust, especially yourself. You will not ever move on to have any relationship of any value.
Seriously think about what could be so bad if you just opened up to one person? Would you die? No, you would not. So, until you feel the bottom and decide opeining up is better than this meager existence, you will always be here in this limbo of a place. Afraid and alone. For nothing but fear of yourself.
God bless you – you ARE worthy of love. Repeat. You ARE worthy of love. Love yourself enough to work through the process. I am not a therapist, but have benefited greatly from therapy and probably need to go back. We are all just doing our best one day at a time. I’m here if you need a friend. I don’t know you but I love you. Mean it.
thank you. I have worked through a lot of the worth issues and God is good and has brought me through a lot since I originally wrote those words in story form, but I still get stuck in the trust part. The rational parts of me understand all of this, it is the irrational parts that bring out the old tapes that play and make counseling so difficult. To trust someone where eventual rejection is inherent in their job description, it just seems wrong. Again, my rational side gets it, but the emotional side struggles.
I understand. one of the things that helped me the most was believing that, if I really trust God, then I don’t have to worry so much about trusting humans. I can share of myself and know that people will let me down, because they are people, but that God will hold me through it all. Don’t know if you’re a spiritual person or not, but that always brings me back to center.
You have a great gift of writing! She’d want to be friends with you IRL for *that* alone! 🙂
I have trust issues as well … “no one knows the real me”. I have a very large, loving family–so it’s easy to give each of them pieces, but not the whole thing. I have conversations in my head like you do with your therapist, the other side arguing that I should take the plunge and tell people things. Not likely…not that I have anything “that bad” to reveal, I guess. I just don’t trust others with MY insides.
exactly. Writing myself out comes easily. Speaking it out, not so easy.
I wonder if you could write it out and be brave for the second it takes to hand it to her. I know that’s not exactly the same as a conversation with flow – but sometimes it’s just baby steps. Has she told you things about her life? I found that helped me to trust my therapist. Knowing she was and is messed up too. HUGS. That child you are channeling into needs a voice honey. She needs you to tell her story and eventually show her that you are an adult now and won’t allow bad things to happen again. That child is you. I have bad disassociation so it helped to think of that inner child as someone seperate for awhile. HUGS again.
I was in therapy for over two years and wrote out almost everything. =) but even then there is still a wall, a dissociation between the feelings. Some things though I still was not brave enough to share in written form. Typically anything that had to do with the emotions. Thank you for the understanding.
Karmen, I would be your friend. I moved recently too. The starting over, with every little thing, is hard. But you are really brave.
Thank you Nancy.
Bless you. I have no idea what your situation is, but what you just described could be me in my therapy sessions. Everything you just said is exactly how I feel. I, too, find it much easier to write. I actually journal as part of my therapy and my therapist reads my journal. We spend the first 10-15 minutes in silence (because I won’t let her read it out loud or talk to me while reading it). I have been trying to trust more, but then I end up hiding again.