I went to school for Tish’s conference this morning. All is well enough. She’s doing fine- especially in her own estimation.
As we were waiting in the hall, I saw this art work on the wall. Tish explained that the assignment was to write about their biggest, boldest dream.
You guys- I only had time to get three pictures, but over and over- again and again and again- I read:
“My dream is for my family to be happy.”
My dream is for my family to be happy.
Tish’s poster wasn’t done yet. I asked what her dream was and she said: “To be Taylor Swift and for my mommy to be happy.”
Oh, I said.
Then she added: “Everyone at my table wrote ‘I want my mommy to be happy!'”
Oh, I said again.
You guys. They want us to be happy.
They’re not saying:
My dream is for my mom to be perfect.
Or my dream is for my mom to be thinner or better looking.
Or cooler.
Or have more friends.
Or have better things.
Or to have had a prettier past.
Or have a cleaner, bigger, nicer house.
Or be richer.
Or be divorced or reunited.
Or work less or more or outside the home or inside the home or part time or whatehaveyou.
None of that.
Just:
My dream is for my family and my mommy to be happy.
Holy crap, you guys. We’ve got to get our joy back. We think it’s love to allow our roles –mother, wife, volunteer, career woman – to consume us like a fire until we can’t even be seen anymore – but that’s not love. I think our kids want to really see us. They want us to leave a part of ourselves unconsumed so they can see us. I think our kids want to see us come alive sometimes. Our kids never asked for martyrs. It is not love to allow yourself – your spirit – to be buried and then fade away.
At first- these thoughts stressed me out this morning because I am passionate and I am kind and sometimes I’m ecstatic and I can usually find gratitude but I’m not “happy.” I’m intense and up and down and I get depressed and anxious and my anxiety makes me hard to be around sometimes. Because I’m impatient and snappy. I snap at people I love all the time and that makes me feel bad about myself. I want to be zen. I am so not zen. Whatever zen is- I’m the opposite of it.
But you know what- none of those papers said that “My dream is for my mom to stop snapping.” None said “I wish my mom would stop being so anxious and just relax and be more like Jesus or Buddha.” Their dreams were less about us in relationship to THEM and more about what they really want for US. As PEOPLE. They want us to be happy. Because they love US. And because they know, likely, that they are supposed to learn how to be happy during this brutiful life from us. And so if we’re slugging our way through life without joy- they are probably thinking- deep down– if she can’t pull some joy out of life- how will I?
And so those posters served as some SMELLING SALTS for me this morning. They woke me up.
And I thought: WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY? What is one thing that I could do today that has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ROLES I PLAY and just FEEDS MY SOUL?
Because that’s important. It is important to feed my body, mind and soul every day. If we are going to ask for our daily bread- we’ve got to take the time to receive it and eat it. God provides –but we’ve got to slow down long enough to TASTE AND SEE. And we cannot say that our list of things to do is too long to slow down and feed ourselves. Because there are URGENT things and there are IMPORTANT things – and no matter how much URGENT there is – we must fit a few TRULY IMPORTANT things into our day or the URGENT things will consume us every day forever and ever ’till we die. We feed ourselves or we die. It’s inconvenient- especially in a culture that worships productivity and efficiency and busyness for busyness’ sake- but it’s THE TRUTH. We eat or we die.
WHAT MAKES YOU COME ALIVE? WHO ARE YOU BENEATH ALL OF YOUR ROLES? HOW DO YOU FEED YOURSELF?
Listen. This is a thing. We are going to figure this out together. If joy is so far out of reach that you don’t even remember what the word means- let’s talk about getting to a doctor. That’s step one.
If you can’t remember how to feed yourself but you remember what joy is: BE STILL. YOU HAVE TO GET STILL BEFORE YOU CAN REALLY GET UP. GOD MADE EVERYTHING WONDERFUL AND CREATIVE AND BEAUTIFUL OUT OF NOTHINGNESS- STILLNESS AND GOD STILL DOES. So find some quiet. 10 – 5 minutes a day. Try this- Travis sent it to us last night:
1) Prepare to pray the Psalm in 5 consecutively diminishing sentences.
2) Either aloud or quietly to yourself, say the words, “Be still and know that I am God”
3) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still and know that I am.”
4) After a couple deep breaths, pray “Be still and know.”
5) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be still.”
6) After a couple deep breaths, pray, “Be.”
7) When ready, pray, “Amen.”
READ THIS:
“When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” But they laughed at him.
After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). Immediately, the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.” – Mark 5
AH! 12 years old. That’s when it happens. That’s when we start looking to find our joy in other’s expectations and boys and magazines and cigarettes and food and we start getting buried. Go back. Before you were 12. What did you love?
MY FRIEND: YOU ARE NOT DEAD. YOU ARE JUST ASLEEP. YOU JUST NEED TO GET UP AND EAT.
LITTLE GIRL, GET UP!
GET UP AND EAT!!!!
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74 Comments
Thank-you for this. I could hardly read it, but needed it desperately today. So many pressures with relationships, finances, child in defiant stage, another potty training, and I’m recovering from surgery. I want so much for my kids to see joy in me, but I’ve lost it. Can’t go back to before I was twelve because there isn’t much good to remember. I fear that they will grow up and remember me as cranky and withdrawn. It’s not even at them most of the time, but I’ve forgotten how to be content in any circumstance and there have been so many difficult things to deal with. But I am taking a first step tonight…thank-you.
Thank you, Glennon. XO
My mantra is “you are enough”. I figure if I say it enough times maybe I will start to believe it! I read your post the other day and don’t remember if I commented, but I have to tell you, I keep coming back to it in my mind. Not only am I enough to God, I’m enough to my kids. Thanks for this, Glennon.
Jenni
Thank you for reposting this. I am a reader for whom it was perfect timing, the kind of anonymous affirmation I needed. Daily, I have been drinking my morning (and afternoon, and sometimes late night) coffee from my “We Can Do Hard Things” mug, and I thought I was DOING the hard thing that was best for me and my family and our collective happiness. Until last week, when I realized that QUITTING was the hard thing I had to do if any of us were going to be happy. I do not typically invest too much in happiness; satisfaction, contentment, fulfillment, those make more sense to me. But when I quit – which was the hardest thing I’ve ever done – I felt overwhelmed by happiness. It was amazing. I already feel ready to give more to my child, my partner, my friends. It already feels easier, my own happiness made my heart bigger. It was hard to believe in happiness when I didn’t have it… I think I believe in it again.
Thank you for this. I grew up in an alcoholic home. My husband is an addict/alcoholic. I have been attending Alanon for the past few years. It is helping me in many ways, but rediscovering joy has been elusive. However, through the strength I have gained from Alanon and from God, I have begun praying for joy, using scriptures, for the last several months, 4-5 days a week. Wherever the Bible says “strength” I add “joy” because the Bible says “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” For example: Psalm 71:16 “I will go in the joy and strength of the Lord.” Psalm 84:7 “Therefore, I go from joy to joy and from strength to strength.” I see cracks of joy beginning to light up the darkness. Circumstances are tough, but the joy is beginning to break through. Your post was another little spark, throwing shards of hope into the darkness. Thank you!
I remember wanting happiness for my own mother, so desperately. This post is such a wonderful reminder for me to TAKE CARE OF SELF CARE. Thank you.
A bunch of kindred spirits are we…
I needed this today.
I have been having joy issues for a long time. After spending time with a friend last year who was battling cancer, I realized that I needed to find the joy amidst the hardships–that there was no “other side” to get to and then be joyful. I prayed right then for God to show me the way to find that joy through my challenges, as I had had some huge ones recently added to my plate at the time. Within days of that prayer, my husband would lose his job, compounding those challenges immensely. I have yet to be successful at regaining (or maybe even learning) my joy. I desperately need to. I’ve been thinking for a while about getting “Be Still” tattooed on my forearm as a reminder…maybe…
I’m following the Lenten programming of the Society of St. John the Evangelist, and this morning’s post seemed like it might mean something to Momastery readers:
“I honestly believe that we’re called to collaborate with God in forming the community. The one that is all of creation. But we do it in the ways that each of us has a spark, a desire for forming community. Look for opportunities for service of whatever kind. You know, it may not be saving the world or eliminating hunger single-handedly or poverty, but rather a particular need at a particular time. There is the disciple who talks about a young man being available, I think it’s Andrew speaks to Jesus, at the time when he’s in the wilderness with all these people and they’re not all Israelites. They’re just people who have come because they’ve heard of Jesus. And Jesus says, “You know, you give them something, you need to give them something to eat.” Rather than being flummoxed like some of the others, this Andrew said, “Well, there is somebody here with these five loaves and two fish.” Offering what we have without a kind of fear that it won’t be enough. It’s a giving of ourselves when the situation presents itself. You know, it’s not about some kind of you’re being asked a mystical trick question. But rather knowing what we have and being willing to hand it over. I think that’s a handing over of one’s life as well or even to perhaps to look foolish by the offer that we make.” [emphasis added]
-Br. Jonathan Maury
Love Life: Living the Gospel of John
Thank you very much for the waking call. Some passages are really LoL 😉 For example “I wish my mom would stop being so anxious and just relax and be more like Jesus or Buddha.”
I need that regularly 😉 – to be reminded that my goal is not perfection but living life fully.
Just yesterday evening my 10 year old son read out loud to me (not vice versa as usually 😉 from a very funny book. We nearly collapsed laughing.
This is when I realise that my children bring ME up nearly just as much as I bring THEM up! They remind me how I feed on laughing, fooling around, just BEING (unintentionally).
This is when time and the constant hustle magically stop and joy comes into our lives.
:'(
…ABSOLUTELY EPIC G. The end.
Yes, yes and YES! This is so true! They need to see us LIVING it and bringing back JOY. And you know what? JOY is contagious. We’re so busy wanting happy kids and we forget that if we are happy FIRST, then our joy will spill out onto them!
Dancing makes ME happy, it is the one thing I would do for myself if I could, but HOW do I? HOW do I find the time?the money? the energy?
I always find myself wondering if my kids will remember mom being happy, I want to be happy ALL the time but I find myself barely happy HALF of the time, I cannot figure out why either, I love my kids, my husband, my life…why can’t I just BE HAPPY?! Am I too tired? too lost?
Me too! Dancing. It fills me with joy. When I dance I find myself smiling without even trying. I stopped dancing for years and then it seemed like I was too old and too busy. But once I started again I realized that part of me had been sleeping the whole time and I didn’t fully wake up until I started dancing again.
Yes yes yes yes SO MUCH YES!
So poignant and sweet. But mostly hugely concerning because our kids are in the same class and I did not know anything about conferences 😉 Oops.
SISTER! This is a repeat from the start of the year! You’re good!!
😉
This is so timely bc it’s the epiphany I had two weeks ago. I was a horse crazy kid that didn’t actually get to ride until college. I competed heavily for 15 years as an adult until my daughter was born 8 years ago. Then motherhood happened, and I became a horse mom instead of an equestrian myself. I didn’t consciously realize it, but I was doing the martyr thing. I wouldn’t ride my horse (who’s been my partner for 17 yrs) bc she was riding her pony, and there was no money for my riding bc she needed it. But underneath there was a resentment building up that I didn’t even realize. Plus I was putting all kind of pressure on her bc she’s getting something I only dreamed of at her age. So I sat back and said I’m going to take advantage of having my longtime equine partner in the back yard and actually ride him. And I will be there if she needs me but she will set the pace of her goals. (Which I know I should have been doing all along). And I’ve ridden every day for the last nine, and she is loving riding with me. My high school students today said I must have had a good spring break, I seem so relaxed. For me it wasn’t so much finding my joy as letting go of the false idea that I didn’t get to have any any more
” For me it wasn’t so much finding my joy as letting go of the false idea that I didn’t get to have any any more”
This makes me so happy to read!
I am so not in this place right now that I couldn’t even bring myself to read the whole thing thoroughly this time around.
However, thank you *so* much for the day-long earworm of
“I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart (where?)
Down in my heart (where?)
Down in my heart.
I’ve got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart (where?)
Down in my heart to stay.”
It’s not only our little girls…
My 12-year-old son woke up crying in the morning last week. I had to work to get him awake, and when his eyes were focused I asked him what happened. He said, I had a dream that Johnny Depp came to CHLA (where I work) and I asked him if he could come to my mom’s office because she is your biggest fan! Johnny Depp said, “I don’t do that crap anymore” and was really mean and rude. Then my son says, “But you don’t understand, my mom and I watch Pirates of the Caribbean ALL THE TIME and she really loves you!” But he didn’t care and just walked away.
So, I said to my boy, “but why did that make you cry?” And he says…”Because I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy and have all the things you want and I couldn’t do it for you.” OH.MY.GOD! Just heart-wrenching. In lots of good ways.
Oh Beth! What a wonderfully sensitive and loving son you have! My Kristopher has moments like that which break my heart and flood me with so much love. You are so lucky to have each other <3
Wow, nail on the head…again! THANK YOU!!!
This speaks to me so truly – I often think I don’t know where I am anymore in the mix of mother/wife/employee/daughter/sister/responsible adult/etc. “Me” is almost a quaint notion at this point. And how can you be happy in yourself, even if you feel blessed and joyful in moments of motherhood, wifehood, etc, if you no longer have a concept of “yourself”? I owe it to all the people I love to be still and find me again. Time to be still.
I remember tracing the lines about my mom’s eyes when I was about 10, she’d’ve been 33. I said, “Mama, soften your eyes, they’re looking sad.” I think what I saw was a mixture of fatigue, age, and sadness as a year later she and my dad would break up, but this post is so true. Their truth is our greatest barometer for our outward signs of happiness. If we can just learn to slip our cloaks of sorrow off from time to time, how much more joy could we carry?
My “little girl” is 23 years old. And she STILL needs to know that her parents get JOY, in amongst all of the common tasks of life. So I’ve tried to show her the joy in my work — which is there most of the time. And the joy in the volunteer things I do. And the joy in my handwork (quilting, knitting, etc.) and music.
But I remember all of that being VERY overwhelming when she was little. And not having the *time* for handwork, music, etc. Just working hard to keep the family above water.
So I think all you Moms of Littles need to cut yourselves a LOT of slack. They don’t base ALL of their memories around a stressful patch you were/are going through. Mine doesn’t even remember the 2 years of psychiatric visits and antidepressants — and she was old enough then to know it was happening. She “remembers” me having a great time on a vacation in the middle of that bad patch.
A vacation that I remember as being tortuous and gray.
In Hawaii.
So depressed that HAWAII was gray!
“I’m walking. I’m eating.”
Thanks, Glennon, for the reminder!!
And, by the way, they learn a lot from our struggles and our striving — both outer AND especially inner.
Thank you for this, Betsy. I needed to hear this.
Thank you Betsy,
Your words are exactly what this mamma of a 10 and 5 year old needed to read this morning. I am working hard to keep this family above water right now and waiting on God’s word on where to go next. My marriage is tough right now and in a rough patch. We are finding joy in the everyday and each other.
Bless you!
This post was a challenging one for me. ( I wanted to send you a private message/email, but couldn’t figure how to) On the one hand I loved it, I loved what I think you meant. It is beautiful and true. On the other hand, I think it might be a bit too open ended. I believe our kids absolutely 100% want us to be happy and not to be martyr’s. For me that sometimes means my 20 mo. old stays in the crib for 5 . . . okay, 15 min. longer than he wants to b/c I need a little more time to myself (only the older kids interrupting while I try to squeeze in a devotional, or finish putting on my make up, or change clothes one more time). I absolutely believe in not being a martyr. But . . . .
My husband (soon to be ex-), my children’s father, used this “I need to be happy” to justify lying to all of us and cheating on my for 15 months, starting when our youngest was 1-month old. When he finally told me, and I asked what he wanted to do about it, if he was willing to work on our marriage, what about our kids? His response was, “our kids want me to be happy.” And it is true, our kids do want him to be happy, but that is NOT a justification for lying or cheating, or checking out of real life and living in a fantasy with a married woman who also has a child. (ironically, though not surprisingly, my husband is not actually a happy, or happier person now than he was.)
My husband grew up in an unhappy house with an addict father. All my husband ever wanted was for his father to be happy, to the end of his father’s life although he had mixed emotions about his father, and lots of bad memories, he loved them man, and just wanted him to be happy. However, he did not want to be dropped off at the arcade section of a bar with a few quarters on the weekends as a very young child, so his parents could be happy drinking and pretending like they didn’t have kids. (nor did that truly make his parents happy, but in the short term I suppose it did). When my husband got pulled over by a cop for driving over the speed limit after his college graduation party, he wasn’t thrilled that he got pulled over as the designated driver b/c his father was in the back seat too drunk to drive.
Absolutely, or kids want us to be happy. BUT, they want us to be happy while being adults and parents, while still caring for them, and putting them first. I think that is what you are saying in this post. But, man it stung to read those very words that my husband threw in my face for why he was breaking up our family and not willing to work on it. Probably, most people reading this, will not take this message to the extreme my husband did, obviously he is struggling with life in general right now . . . but, I think it is important to note our kids want us to be happy, but not if that means actively hurting them or others.
Please Carry On, b/c I think you are wonderful, and you have been a great encouragement to me. And I am driving to Dallas next week to see you speak, and I am anxiously awaiting the paperback copies of your book I ordered. Love wins!
Oh, and I will say in deep irony, my husband has spent most of his life being a martyr, trying so hard to be perfect (I think in an attempt to please his father, to help make his father happy, which of course he wasn’t capable of doing) . . . and I think that is what ultimately drove my husband to make the hurtful choices he has made. That makes me agree with the sentiment even more . . . not just that our kids want us to be happy, but that we need to be happy, it needs to be okay that we are human and not perfect. BUT still, being happy has to be something we find while fulfilling our commitments and being honest and caring towards others.
Melissa – I read your response about a week ago, and haven’t been able to get it out of my mind. This: “being happy has to be something we find while fulfilling our commitments and being honest and caring towards others” stuck with me. Like superglue.
I don’t think we get to happy in a vacuum. I don’t mean that in an extroverted sort of way that we need others to be happy, but in that happiness is not a zero sum game, we can’t take it from someone else and expect to keep it for ourselves, and it’s not really happiness if it’s hurting others. We may do something that feels good, that gives us pleasure or satisfies desire, but I don’t think that’s the same as happiness.
I’m glad you posted your response publicly. It’s helped me process this whole idea of happiness and what our kids want for us in a broader light. Thank you. (And I hope that after all that you’ve been through, there is happiness for you. Love DOES win. And you deserve great joy.)
G, I noticed that this is the same post as one from Nov 2013 (which I loved and thus remembered so vividly). Any particular inspiration for you to repost it now?
Sorry, my comment posted twice!
Ahhhhh yes! What a great reminder. We bust our butts DOING everything and not just BEING. My son (10 years old) and I had a conversation on Friday about my depression. He’s heard of it and didn’t know I had it. So he asked me a bunch of questions about it, about ME. I swear it was the first conversation we had where he saw me as ME. It was wonderful and scary. I speak to women about arranging their lives to reflect their priorities (using Steven Covey’s rocks analogy) and one of the priorities is our “self-fulfillment” rock. We must be doing something to feed our souls. It makes us a better wife, mom, friend, etc. I recently realized that what has been feeding me has turned sour. It’s time to find another way to feed my soul. Glennon, thank you for the reminder and encouragement. My kids want to see me happy….. And I want to see them happy. Love you girl!
Luna
G, I noticed this is a repost of your blog on Nov 22, 2013 (which I loved so much I remember it vividly). Just wondering if anything in particular inspired you to post it again?
I was certain I had read it before too and researched past posts and found it. Every once in a while a post will be repeated but it usually mentions it as being one. For whatever reason that makes me feel better. It’s a busy site I am sure and Glennon is a very busy person (comes with the territory: motherhood, wife, author and quite simply; human being). Honesty is refreshing. The chance of that day repeating itself is pretty rare.
I don’t know this for a fact, but I think she leans on it more when she is traveling. Or maybe something is going on with her that brings it back, or maybe she has heard from a Monkee (or a dozen) who sound like they could stand to hear it again. 🙂
Wow, I am so here. My 3 year old daughter has such joy for everything, I wish I could be her, but I never was. I was always the timid quiet worrier hiding in the corner, I still am. I try to find joy but I’m not sure if I know what that is and if I can get there.
I needed this today. Thank you.
Glennon,
I don’t have children but I read your posts every day. You move me with your combination of deep wisdom and present life reflection. I cried reading this post at three different points today because what you’ve written – about our children wanting our mommas to be happy, feeding our souls or choosing to be denied of inner joy, and resuscitating our souls by nurturing our own inner child – it is Universal truth. It is how we humans are supposed to work, and YOU remind us of that. I am so grateful I found you and feel excited to tears that so many women (and mommies) read you and have your influence in their lives.
With sincere love and light,
Lisa
Wow-What humbling words to read this am. There are so many things that pull us in this direction and that, and we forget we have little eyes watching it all.
Thank you Glennon for sharing your smelling salts. This describes my situation exactly. I want to be and do everything with and for my girls – to make sure we make the most of every opportunity and experience, but I’m beginning to think that instead of getting the most out of everything we have missed out on all the important stuff. And lately I have the intense fear that it is too late to get back what has been lost. And in all the trying and pushing and rushing, I’ve lost not only my joy, but maybe took some of theirs too. That crushes me. My dream is for my family to be happy too. It’s so hard to remember that in all the noise of goals and “opportunity”.
Wow – how appropriate for this time of my life. It’s amazing how that happens. I can answer the one thing that makes me come alive – MUSIC.
Playing music
Singing music
Listening to music
Becoming completely overtaken by a beautiful melody.
MUSIC
Shared this immediately on my fb wall…then got up and about my frantic day of studying, exam taking, class attendance, oops…forgot my part of the group assignment…really?!?!?! crying, looking for peace…read this in full just now. Words fail me…how to express how very grateful I am…the whole “12-years old” thing…I don’t remember…much of that is blocked out…but I am so encouraged to get up and eat…to be still and thereby be full. God, thank you for this incredible reminder. Even though my kids are grown and one has a “kid” of her own (my shining star!!!), I know they still need me to be happy. Glennon, thank you for this perfect-for-us-share. You are truly gifted and a vessel for Him. <3 infinity.
I have spent the last 13 years as a widow and no, I was not happy. My children are now young adults and I realized what a disservice I did to them by not being happy. Now I’ve learned to identify what feeds my soul and I am learning contentment. I think that’s the key – yes, we need to have periods of almost giddy happiness, but what will get us through our days and make us better people is an overwhelming sense of contentment. That, I believe is the true “joy of the Lord.” We are mothers. We are not martyrs. Thanks for your post and truthful words.
I needed these words today. As I’ve spent most of the weekend fighting tears – long winter, facing another year of husband’s working overseas so single mom-ing it is leaving me weary and having no idea how to get happy. Where to start? How to start? How do I keep myself from curling up into a ball in my bedroom while the kids eat dinner and watch TV and attempt to shut out all stimuli so I can just.make.it.to.bedtime? I’ll find the end of the rope, it’s there….but I’m so tired.
Maria, you have earned the right to be weepy and weary. Don’t feel bad about that. Embrace it for a few moments in the morning and then slowly start to pack it away for the day so you can put a smile on your face for them. Fake it ’til you make it actually works. Give yourself the time and space to weep and be weary – after they’re in bed maybe is the only time you can find – that’s ok. Give in to it fully then – get in a hot shower and let the tears flow – sob even…it’s ok. You are tired and tired of it – you have lots of reasons to be and there is no shame in that. Let go of the need to appear perfect and whole. Start with one small step today. Rest well – be well – and know that I’m rooting for you!
Thank you. Truly…thank you.
Thank you for this! I have so needed this! I want my 2 teenage daughters to think of their mom as happy not a martyr! I hope I can find what makes me happy.
This has been weighing heavily on me for a long time. It comes in waves and then I get sucked into life and I forget about it. When I look back over the past 10 years I realize I have not be JOYFUL. I’ve had a joyful moment here and there, but mostly I’ve been busy, and tired, and working A LOT, and searching.
What the heck? How did that happen? Was I ever joyful? I just don’t know anymore, but I keep telling myself something has to change. That there’s more to life than what I’m doing right now, which is essentially hanging on by a thread. Thank G for making me realize that I am right…that my girls are watching me and wondering “Why isn’t mommy happy?”
You were joyful, really. It got lost under busy and tired and working. Keep going, you are doing it! Mommy can and will find happy again. <3 PamK
I’m overwhelmed in reading this. I find myself being snappy and impatient and worry about how my kids feel around me. I’m striving back to joy, back to finding what makes me come alive. Truly. In the meantime I am anxious and uptight and always questioning.
I am glad I am not alone in this. I am glad Emily Ballard led me to you. I will focus in this moment on what is the one thing that will make me happy today.
THANK YOU for this
You are not alone. It just feels pretty darned lonely sometimes. I wish you a joyful day.
Yes it can be damn lonely and then there are moments like these 🙂
Sistertoo, thank you.
Thanks for sharing! A great reminder and so in line with what God has been speaking to me lately. I am one to constantly over-commit and over-exert, which means my kids see me worn out all the time. I have taken strides to simplify recently, and I am only doing the things I know I should be doing and cutting out the busy. Also, I am prioritizing things like eating right and working out and quiet time. Amazing how much happier we can be, still busy, still on a schedule, but happy.
This is it. I know I overreact to stress, but I can’t for the life of me figure out how to just chill. I’ve read book after book, and they are wonderful, but then my 2 year old puts himself in life threatening situations while I am in the shower and my stress level hit the roof. I want to be happy for my kids, but it seems impossible for me to maintain peace while doing all of the things that absolutely have to get done each day.
Take him into the shower with you. You both get clean and you know what he is doing.
I’ve been reading a lot of Richard Rohr, recently,
‘Immortal Diamond’ ‘Falling Upward’
“Breathing Under Water, Spirituality and the Twelve Steps’
Unfortunately, I can’t locate the precise quote but to paraphrase, he says self-denial, or the martyr syndrome, is the quickest surest way to get and have resentments, anger,frustration. Yes we all need to find our thing that makes us happy…and then………….. do it.
Then we can share our happiness with everyone.
Have a good day G..
This is what I’m doing – I am waking up and getting up and eating. Exactly. And I love your prayer/meditation in stages. Going to try that. Thank you for sharing us today. It’s so true that this is what our children want, and it’s so often what we adults – and somehow especially mamas – forget.
You know what? I am happy! I do snap when I’m stressed about things and they are all coming at me at once, but for the most part? I am happy all the time. I get to do things a lot of people don’t and when I have to do something I’m not excited about, I change my attitude and get it done. I’m in a season of life where my kids are pre-teen and teenagers, they are independent and love to try new things. Someone said something about me yesterday, though. And it is all I hear now. She said I wasn’t very motherly. When asked what she was talking about, she replied that I don’t cook. Is that what it takes to be motherly? I’m mad at myself for letting her words bring me down because I know she said that because of how she feels, it has nothing to do with me, really. It just sucks and I want to scream from the mountaintops all the things that I do for my family. How can one person’s opinion bring us down? So now I have a happiness project on Facebook and all of the comments are making me dance. but, all i want to do is cry.
Oh Lucy. I hear you sister. One dang comment can throw us into a tailspin for sure no matter how many others we hear that are good. When I feel that way I ask God if he is pleased with the way I’ve been “mothering/acting/saying/whatever” and if God and I are ok with it – then it’s really all about that other person and what’s in her heart. Maybe sometimes it allows me to be curious about her and what she has going on in her life that would have her say such a thing. It doesn’t always happen – sometimes I just have to struggle hard through the insecurity, but more times than not I can find a place of compassion for her in wondering about how “defined” her life must be and how maybe pride or insecurity has got ahold of her and she defines herself as a mother by cooking, cleaning and other such roles instead of in freedom and love. Hugs to you sister. Motherly is not defined by others – but in our own hearts.
I so very needed this! Thank you so much for writing and sharing!!
When I was going to a class to have my firstborn baptized. We were all asked to write down the three things we wanted for our new babies. They then went around and asked all of the parents. There were many grand plans (this was Washington, DC), btw..education attainement, careers, etc.
It came to me…and I said ‘I want my son to be happy in life’. (healthy was next). There was a hush. I don’t know if I was being looked at like an unambitious alien or people hadn’t thought about it.
Happy!!! My youngest son does quite a dance to Pharrell William’s ‘Happy’ song that would make anyone happy. Let’s all strive for happy–and making others happy!
Yay! It sounds like you asked for the right thing!
Wow! I really needed to see this today. I am a mother of two beautiful boys, one of which is special needs. I just celebrated my ten year anniversary with my amazing husband. The problem lies here… When I stopped to think about what makes ME happy, I couldn’t think of ONE thing that didn’t involve another person. Helping others, makes me happy. In all sorts of ways. I truly need to find out what makes ME happy, if there were not a soul around to “help”. Thank you for this G.
Ten years is awesome! Way to go!
Yes! Get up and eat! But sometimes the hardest part is figuring out what we’re hungry for.
Yes yes yes. Let’s figure it out. What are we hungry for?
How?!?
I so WANT to be happy. I’m tired of being stressed and grumpy and yelling at my little girls over silly things. But I don’t know how…or what will make me happy!
Spaghetti, and hugs, and then maybe a cup of cocoa. Snuggles with my kiddo, watching whatever he wants to watch–even if that’s a YouTube video of another kid winning a Boss Battle in Zelda. Sunshine. No “shoulds”. Another 2 hours of sleep a night. A good book in a hot bath (I’m in the bath, reading the book. The book is not *in* the bath, if I’m lucky.) Connection, connection, connection. For someone besides Glennon to hold my hands when I share something, look into my eyes, and say “I’ll never forget you, Sister.” (Thanks, Glennon.)
Sound familiar?
Hhhhmmmmm….. yes…. but I’m not sure what I am good at….
Hi Hillary, I don’t think you are alone in that! The great thing is that finding out can be so much fun! Volunteer with different ministries, take one day class (cooking, exercise, rock climbing, painting, sewing, music, etc.) just keep exploring until you find something you love. You may be surprised to find you have untapped God given talents that you love! Then you take those talents and use them to glorify God:) have fun exploring!
Finding myself in the same place, dear Hillary. Maybe if we looked around we would find each other!
OH Glennon you got me right in the heart where I needed it today!! Thank you for this Godly reminder of where I find my true happiness xoxoxox
OH and for convincing me to clean my dd’s room with a kind heart….because in the end it makes me happy when she has a clean space of her own…I WILL not grump in my head…I WILL not…..
Oooohh good luck, Julie!!