Friends – we made it. It’s Friday. I get excited when it’s Friday because at my house, Friday is GIVE UP AND WATCH MOVIES ALL EVENING WHILE EATING FROZEN PIZZA NIGHT which actually is sort of every night here but on Friday it seems FESTIVE instead of lazy.
We’ve got so many new Monkees here…WELCOME, NEW FRIENDS! I thought you might like to read one of our oldies but goodies – just so pictures like these don’t confuse you.
(It’s a Carry On, Warrior Book Club. IN LOVE WITH THESE LADIES!)
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“The best thing you’ve ever done for me, is to help me take my life less seriously. It’s only life after all.”
-The Indigo Girls
I often write about the beliefs and disciplines that help me relax and live bravely. Many of these are proactive strategies – things I do before I am upset to remind myself that I am loved and that the world and I are all right. These things are good, and they help me maintain a peaceful heart, to some extent. But the thing is that I live with three children, and I am convinced that they meet early in the morning to plan the most effective way to take me down each day. So, the fact is that my peace is not going to be consistently maintained, no matter how much reading, writing, praying, or yoga I do… because there are very strong willed forces working against me. These forces are led by a little girl who will remain unnamed, but I will tell you that her name rhymes with fish.
Allow me to offer a specific example. Here’s what our evening looked like last night, after Craig and I suggested that everyone had to eat their dinners even though dinner was, admittedly, gross. One nanosecond before this moment, we were discussing daddy’s day at work and our upcoming weekend plans, laughing, and generally feeling like a lovely, well adjusted family. Then – this.
Now, the problem is that I am not good in these situations. There are mothers – my friends Gena and Casey come to mind – who roll with these scenarios. When their kids tantrum, Gena and Casey’s facial expressions don’t change. Their eyes, weary smiles, and demeanors suggest: “Oh well…kids will be kids,” and then they calmly do whatever needs to be done to diffuse the situation. This is not my first instinct.
My first instinct is to freak out. My first instinct is to remember that yes, this chaos is proof that I have ruined my life and the lives of everyone in my home and that we are a disaster of a family and that no mother, in the entire history of mothers, has ever been forced to endure the drama, decibels and general suffering of this moment. My instinct is to tear my clothes and throw myself on the floor and bawl and cry out worthless declarations like “I can’t TAKE this anymore!” My first instinct is to allow my anxiety and angst to pour out like gasoline on a raging fire and indulge in a full-on mommy meltdown.
This, Craig suggests, is not helpful.
So, after a few years of parenting, it became clear that I needed a strategy to help me regain my peace after I had already lost it. Because I am going to lose it, frequently. It is what it is and I am who I am.
Enter Joan Didion.
Have you read Slouching Towards Bethlehem? Ms. Didion is a VERY serious noticer and writer. No fluff. Every word she chooses is necessary and precise. She leaves no room for argument or conjecture. As you read, you understand that Ms. Didion knows what she’s talking about and perhaps you should just hush yourself and read on. Also, she trusts her readers to recognize the important parts of her writing without even using italics. Or maybe it’s just that she doesn’t go off on tangents so she doesn’t feel the need to constantly use italics to signify that she is now coming back around to the point. Let that be a lesson to me.
In an essay called “Self-Respect,” Ms. Didion offers the only strategy that has ever consistently helped me regain my mommy peace once I’ve lost it:
“It was once suggested to me that as an antidote to crying, I put my head in a paper bag. As it happens, there is a sound physiological reason, something to do with oxygen, for doing exactly that, but the psychological effect alone is incalculable. It is difficult in the extreme to continue fancying oneself Cathy in Wuthering Heights with one’s head in a food fair bag. There is a similar case for all the small disciplines, unimportant in themselves; imagine maintaining any sort of swoon, commiserate or carnal, in a cold shower.”
Yes, Ms. Didion, yes. It’s the little things. The little disciplines that help us get through the day and regain peace. It’s not necessarily a different career or parenting philosophy or neighborhood or husband that we need. Sometimes it’s a deep breath, a bath, a glass of water, or a paper bag.
I now store paper bag hats on all three floors in my house. And when everyone starts losing their minds, I put on my bag and breathe and hide. Tada! Instant quiet time, oxygen, and a reminder that things are not necessarily as dramatic and horrible as my kids or jumpy head might suggest.
Here are a couple more pictures taken in phase two of the family tantrum, when we had moved things over to the couch for a change of scenery.
No eye holes.
Just to preempt the question that many of you plan to email me when you finish reading . . . No, I am not joking. I really do this . . . which might have been an excellent alternate name for this blog.
Anyway, bag or not, I’m just saying that it’s helpful to adopt “small disciplines” to remind oneself that life is much too important to be taken seriously.
Carry On, Warriors.
Love,
G
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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50 Comments
This post is one of my (many) favorites of yours, G — but that book club picture is worth WAY more than a thousand words! O how I love these women! You’re not in St. Louis by any chance, are you? I want to join! (Especially liked the prominently positioned wine and chocolate, two essentials for every book club meeting anyway, but ESPECIALLY a Momastery book club!)
So THIS is the secret to sanity during the meltdowns! I often beat myself up because my husband is WAY better at handling the crises (3-year-old screaming because the 4-year-old hit him, twins falling off the table they now know how to climb up on, 6-year-old slamming books around because he can’t bring them to the dinner table tonight (or any other night, ever in the whole history of his life, if he’s remembering correctly)), and this way of thinking leads so often to mama guilt. A paper bag to hide behind when these meltdowns overwhelm would be divine because then I might have some hope of pulling myself together!
It is really nice to read the post and contents are really interesting. I like to push my self here again to read more from you in the future.
I’ve re-read this post so many times, and every time it makes me smile. Thanks for the reminder that it’s okay to be human.
OK, this is simultaneously hilarious and awesome. Love it.
too funny! love the no eyeholes part and your awareness that it will be part of your childrens’ memories.
It takes such a small thing to make the world a better place!:):)
You are hilarious. I may need to employ this strategy. It might be better than me YELLLLLLLIIINNNGGG>>>>>>….
This is fabulous, I wish I had gotten paper instead of plastic when we were at the store yesterday.
Currently my husband is working out of town, three days in a row, every weekend until the end of the year. I have a 2 and 4 year old. So as you can imagine, I need the bags.
I just got up at 6:15 to think and write and be and I was followed by two year old feet whispering: “MOM I want a jelly rice cake!” (I probably shouldn’t have yelled “CRAP!”) but I certainly could have used a bag while spreading that jelly.
Moreover: I like you.
Brilliant! I also go straight into Mommy meltdown mode…especially at the end of the day when my anxiety meds are wearing off and I have had enough. I plan to use the heck out of this idea! Thank you so much for sharing.
Oh. My. God. I absolutely LOVE this!!!!!!! thank you!!!!
This post reminded me of something I have been wanting to share in case other Monkees want to try it.
In that time between dinner and bedtime when the house is full and noisy, quietly step outside your house, take some deep breaths, and look up at the sky. It is so quiet and peaceful out there – just the sounds of nature, the moon in the sky, perhaps a few stars out that you can see. Just a couple minutes out there alone can do wonders. They probably won’t even know you were gone. I’ve only down it a few times but every time I do I think how nice it is to find that calm just a few steps away.
Wishing everyone a minimal bag wearing weekend 🙂
Kerry, thank you for this suggestion. It’s brilliant! <3
That is lovely. I have actually done that a few times, but now that you’ve typed it up, I realize how great it is. 🙂
Love this idea!
Glennon, I just shared this on facebook. Guess what? The bag is also a GREAT IDEA for preventing a RELAPSE if you are in recovery and dying for a drink. Just sayin. But I have a problem, too. What if all your bags are plastic and you smother yourself and die? 🙂 No more crying OR drinking!
You know it’s sad when you’re not even a mama and you still need to use a paper bag.
Laurie, I just noticed your comment below mine. How funny. Wasn’t this the best part of your day?
I had forgotten this post, and these pictures remind me that your kids might be a few years ahead of mine, but we have similar age gaps/craziness happening, so you understand. Tonight I’m going to buy some paper bags because I need them NEED THEM. Thanks for the reminder!
I totally love you. Glad we’re friends. xoxo
ugh! so perfect for this friday the 13th day!!
Oh my gosh, I love you. This just made my day!! I was JUST dealing with a toddler temper tantrum this morning that made me want to pull my hair out..I should have read this earlier and grabbed a bag. Hilarious. Thanks Glennon!!
http://www.beautifullifemadeeasy.blogspot.ca
Just One More perfect reason to always ask for Paper! Carry On, Glennon!
Glennon, since this is a repost — do you find you still use this technique??? Inquiring minds want to know. I’m thinking yes? Don’t worry, it will get better in time. Hugs.
Love the repost. I am a grandma who’s granddaughter (and mommy) live with us (aaaaaand my other daughter too) — and another one on the way November 4th. While I could, as a mo, tune it all out and diffuse situations (as I did with my kids); I now have to step back, be quiet and let my daughter do it and handle the meltdowns of her 2 year old. At first it was hard but she is doing it well and her own way and with time outs.
However, this paperbag thing I might have to use to tune out my husband. Ha ha! Or to tune ALL of them out when I feel overwhelmed and underappreciated. I think I might just have to take a bag, fill it and RUN! I’ve been there, done that but people don’t seem to realize that I have. I have grown kids and friends with little ones don’t seem to realize that hey, I HAVE experience. So I just sit back and listen to everyone else or say “I don’t remember”. No one wants to hear from the experienced mommy because she’s “old”. I didn’t have to compete with electronics and cell phones, and facebook with mine, God love you all.LOL. I think I had it easier to an extent. 51 years young (mistaken for my daughter’s sister, ha!). Anywayssssss. Great re-post.
“mother” not mo …. ummmm can’t type.
I’m also a strong believer in the Mommy time out. The bathroom was my place to gain composure.
I too like to find a place, usually a locked bathroom break. But don’t you find that in the bathroom someone will either usually find you or when you get out you will hear someone calling you desperately like the end of the world has come because you went missing for 3.5 minutes.
As if I didn’t already have enough reasons to be glad I found this lovely space…. You just titled a post with my favorite song EVER. Also, I am totally going to do the paper bag thing. It sounds as if you and I have a lot in common, mommy-tantrum-wise. 🙂
I. Love. This. I’m also a “freaker outer” and I’ve been doing WAY too much of it lately…come to think of it, I also overuse italics. Anywho, I’m off to the store to get 4 paper bags – one for each floor of my house! You are a genius.
So good to see a classic. 🙂 < — (the world needs an icon for a smiley face bag) Unfortunately, I am the one having tantrums right now, and the faceless and sometimes brainless (literally – most of the time I'm yelling at a recording) beings would have no appreciation for the bag or the face. Maybe I should see if putting the bag on between calls would help, although the idea of putting the bag on and making no calls sounds even better. Will be giving that serious thought.
Great photo for me to see before I head out into the jungle today.
I think this post was one (of many) that solidifed I loved you and your writing! Starting with an Indigo Girls reference then giving me a way to cope with my mama drama does it get any better!
Have been reading for a while now, but somehow this is the first time I’ve seen this post! So glad you re-posted because I absolutely need to do this!
Glad to know it’s not just my kids who have a conniption every night at dinner. I once bought a picture of a starving child (don’t judge me–it raised funds for a shelter) and put it on our dinner table during meals to encourage them towards grateful eating. It did not work.
That is something I would do! And I still might, even if you think it didn’t work it’s part of all the little things we are trying to teach and by golly, surely it is sinking in somewhere! 🙂
OMG I LOL’d reading your comment! I am totally guilty of doing the exact same thing! However I took a way more dramatic approach, I excused my ungrateful whining sweethearts from the table & made them watch an entire YouTube video of starving children. I was bawling like a lunatic & the ungrateful’s were all like; “Why are you crying Mommy? They’re not hungry their tummies are bigger than ours.” It was an epic fail!!!
And then your comment made me LOL! That would be my family, too!
Aaahhhh, Wow, and THANKS!
This is one of my all-time favorites! Thanks for the re-post! 🙂
Thank you for this reminder! My husband and I loved this post the first time we read it, but I had forgotten about it. Last night my 2 yr old twins had epic meltdowns, prompting me to lose it and scream “I am the worst mother in the world! I don’t know why God gave me twins; I clearly can’t handle it!!!!!”. (imagine that statement in caps). Making bag today!!
Oh, mama. I am so WITH YOU on those sorts of statements. Mine usually includes my wife, housekeeper, cook and many other hats, as well. And I only have one, tiny, strong willed little boy. So warrior on, twin mama. There are those of us who are convinced that mamas of multiples and/or large broods (meaning more than one) are, indeed, superheroes in disguise.
I yelled the very same words to all 4 of my shell shocked children after a day of ingratitude, fighting & teasing hellathon! Of course to throw some salt on my open crazy wounds my 4 year old said in his most sweetest angelic voice; “you’re not the worstest mudder, we love you” The guilt of that horrendous statement that I made, swallowed me whole! Of course not being the “worstest mudder” in the world, my guilt bought everyone McDonalds for dinner!:) I’m right there in the trenches with you Sister Friend, WE CAN & DO HARD THINGS! ❤
That IS a goodie, indeed! Makes me think about the time you baked squash. Or something. And you were face down on the floor. Glennon, I love to laugh and you have given me many opportunities.
Now, I wish I’d thought to use the smiling paper bag strategy 7 years ago. Maybe I can still use one, if just to freak my kids out—and make it a mad face instead, haha! I’d need eye holes, though, so I’d be able to see their expressions. Surely I’d start laughing and so would they!
Oh man, did I need this today. (Most of the time, I feel like I am the only mama who loses it when decibels & fussing get louder and louder…)
Implementing paper bag strategy immediately. And thank you for reminding me I’m not alone. At all.
Love your wisdom! Happy Friday!
I forgot about the paper bag. I’m adopting that strategy today. #win Happy Friday!
Didion is my favorite writer of all time. She saved my life in college.
I love this post, which I actually only just read for the first time when I read your book a few months ago! Tantrums don’t phase me, thankfully, but my husband is probably the president of the club for parents who have the same feelings and reactions as yourself. I’ve suggested a paper bag for him, but I think he takes himself a little too seriously to actually implement this idea. Such a shame – I think as a family we could all benefit from seeing daddy as a smiley paper bag! ; )
Happy Friday!
Just re-read my post and realized I wrote “phase” instead of “faze”…which is an example of why I should drink coffee before commenting on posts. I’m sure other less perfectionistic people would have just left it alone with an “Oh well…” but I’m super good at pointing out my own blunders. I’m going to get a paper bag for my own tantrum now…
Smiley face paper bags is totally winning!
I’ve been known to put myself in time out when I feel myself starting to lose it. Sadly, my children never let me complete the “one minute for every year of your age” duration. It’s one situation in which getting older is a win—hey! I can’t come out of my room yet. I’m supposed to be in time out for 45 minutes.
Now THAT is a good strategy. I’m a fairly new mama and haven’t yet had to implement time out, but nearly a half hour to myself when I am about to lose it would surely allow me to refocus and calm down. Discussing time out rules with my hubby tonight.