What’s a better sound than coffee brewing mixed with silence? That’s what I’ve got going on here this morning. It’s six am and it’s just me and you Monkees in a dark, quiet house and nothing has happened yet, so it still feels like anything is possible.
I’m amazing right now. Truly. You might be jealous if you knew what a patient, loving mother I am before my small people stumble out of their bedrooms and immediately start falling down and demanding band aids and then saying “mom.mom.Mom.MOm.MOM.MOM. MOM. MOM. MOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!” and then when I finally look in their general direction staring back at me blankly as if I have really put them on the spot and then when I say “PLEASE – FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY – FOCUS!” saying “maybe I wouldn’t forget what I was going to say if you would answer me the first time, MOM” and then scowling at each other and wishing each other dead for no apparent reason and then staring into the pantry for one half of one hour while complaining that there’s nothing good for breakfast (they say this with an appalled, surprised tone –as if there has ever- for one day in their lives – been “anything good for breakfast” in this house) and then “looking for their shoes” which actually means aimlessly wandering the house howling “Ican’tfindmyshoesIcan’tfindmyshoesIcan’tfindmyshoooooooooooooooes OH, look- A BALL! A BALL that has been sitting in this corner of the family room for four years and I’ve never glanced at twice – but now. NOW. NOW that we have four more minutes till it’s time to get in the van – I must play with! I LOVE THIS BALL!” while I repeat to them that “I can’t FIND MY SHOES” is something very different than “MY SHOES ARE NOT IN THE PLACE WHERE MY EYES ARE POINTED RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT AND I REFUSE TO BEND OVER OR EVEN SHIFT MY EYES IN ANY OTHER DIRECTION AT ALL AND THAT IS REALLY MY PROBLEM HERE – NOT THAT SOMETHING IS LOST BUT THAT MY EYE BALLS HAVE LIMITED DISCIPLINE AND/OR SHIFTING CAPACITY AND THAT ALSO I AM LIKE A KITTEN WHO IS DISTRACTED BY COLORFUL THINGS.”
I swear- at 6:59 it’s like one of those lovely early morning coffee commercials in my home, and then at 7:00 am (time to get up for school, angels!)- it’s Armageddon. Actually, let us change that to Ammagedon. And so throughout this routine- all morning- I repeat to myself my favorite line from We Bought A Zoo – “Glennon, all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. And I promise you- something great will come of it. Their teachers will take them away.”
Something like that.
I’ve missed you – in the very real and true way you miss a good friend. I missed you in a “how did I do this life thing before I had them?” way. About the fast- I’ll tell it to you straight- I secretly hoped that this fast would be the time that I Finally Figured Out Myself and Discovered The Secret of Life. Like, by retreating – I’d learn why I’m such a spaz, and I’d find a way to cut it out. I’d train myself to just stop crashing through life and coast a bit. And then I’d come back here and tell you what I learned and we’d all be so happy that we figured out what makes life so hard and messy and exhausting. And we could fix it. We could all change our We Can Do Hard Things signs to We Can Fix Hard Things And So Now We’re Done With All That Crap And We’re Relaxing Out Back signs. So, during my fast I did things that some of my wisest friends do, hoping I’d learn whatever it is that they know that I don’t seem to know. I did yoga four times a week. I meditated. I spent quality time with people I like. I went to church. I continued marriage therapy and started individual therapy (poor, poor therapist lady). I ate healthy and slept well and worked hard and read a million good books and showed up for scary things and thought good thoughts and on and on.
Okay, you guys. Instead of figuring out All of the Things, I figured out None of the Things. After 40 days- I am still the same. Life is still the same. I don’t get it. I don’t know why it didn’t work. In my most honest moments – I wonder if the problem might be that I cheated every once in a while. But if I didn’t learn All The Things because of a little harmless fast-cheating, I find that annoying. I mean, God knows me and so certainly God knew when we were planning this fast thing together that I’d cheat- because that’s just the kind of person I am. Everybody who knows me knew I’d cheat. I’M A MONKEE, NOT A MONK. Big difference. And so, in my humble opinion, God should have worked AROUND my less-than-fully-developed-sense-of-integrity. God should have found a way to teach me All The Things in spite of me. With all due respect, God, if you can’t do that- I’m not sure I can help you. I can’t pull ALL the weight around here, God. Work with a sister. Help ME, Help YOU.
Monkees – DID YOU MISS ALL OF OUR CAPS AND GROSSLY OVERUSED AND ABUSED ITALICS AND BOLDNESS?????
As always, I still have hope. In general- I believe that I know NOTHING. But then I sit down and write and some things come out and I’m like – HUH. From where did THAT little wisdom nugget come? It’s like I have no idea what I know until I start writing. Who was it that said “I write to know what I think?” I like that. It’s better than my “I write because I have nothing else to do since I accidently locked myself out of Facebook again and I’m too embarrassed to ask Sister to text me my password for the third time this week.”
So maybe that’s what’s going on here. Maybe I learned some things but I just don’t know it yet. Maybe if I just show up- if I just sit down each morning again and start typing – we will all find out that I did learn some things from the fast after all and then we can all apologize to God for being so overly critical and accusatory and rude. Seriously, you guys, try to show some respect. God is very busy. Also, I am told that God works in mysterious ways which I would say is just a really, seriously, humungous and egregious understatement and also just a little too general to really help me understand anything at all. It’s not an explanation – it’s a nonplanation. It’s like- instead of going through all the trouble to say that thing- people should really just shrug their shoulders. Same/Same.
OKAY. Tomorrow I shall begin telling you everything I was thinking about during the fast. For now- how are you? Tell me. Not how you Fake are but how you Really are.
Love and yay and we’re back and let’s do this year together.
G


Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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Hi G!
I MISSED YOU in a big huge italicized capitalized bold way! Although I respect the need for a fast, I’m so glad you’re back. Selfishly. 🙂
My real self is not that good. I’m struggling. With work. With marriage. With my Self. Mostly that last part. I feel like the world is noisy and I keep turning up the volume. I’ve lost me and haven’t started looking for me yet. You might know how that feels. But Momastery helps. It’s like a rope thrown from the lifeboat. I see it now, and maybe one of these days I’ll start to swim toward it.
(So now that I know you’re back, I’ll spend the rest of the evening reading your last few posts. I can’t wait! You made my day!)
Welcome home!
Rachael
Welcome back.
I’m home.
glennon, first time commenting! you are funny and witty and wise and many thanks to you for keeping it real and connecting us all. i’m a cheater too….i cheat on my diet, cheat on my ongoing resolution to keep my crazy inside, cheat on my promise to lengthen my fuse a little and keep my temper in check, cheat on my promise to finall read my medical journals instead of US magazine cheat cheat cheat….
but really, who am i cheating on? who are you cheating on? all the negative self talk and judgement, its just so worthless. i love US magazine and chocolate (and red wine too) and i wonder if i embraced those things that please me and make me laugh if my fuse wouldn’t lengthen a bit on its own. less criticism, less judgement, less focus on my failure to reach some arbitrary self-set goal. more happiness, more peace…just my thoughts.
So I cannot solve all of the back to school problems (we are always running late, with me screaming like a banshee for the children to get into the car for the love of God), but I do have a solution to missing shoes. Are you ready? A basket right by the door you go in and out of. Children come in from school and put the shoes in the basket. When they get ready to go to school they pull their shoes out of the basket. We almost never have to search for missing shoes!!!
This is truly one of the best places on the ‘net. So much hope and love and grace in your words, as well as in the majority of comments. Glad you had a break but also very, very glad you’re back. Thanks Glennon.
God, how I’ve missed you and your words! Welcome back, my friend.
Hi! I must say, one of the things I love about this blog- the readers. They are protective and loving & warm in the comment section- I’m always just amazed by that. Monkees are beautiful!!! I am changing- learning to be NEW!! changed & different. Survived husbands being “let go” form our church for finanical reasons when our first baby was 3 months old. Survived 10 months of unemployment. Two moves across the United States. Ridiculous family situations. Another church employment that we left because it was unhealthy. Survived. My baby is two, jobs are not perfect, but my heart is emerging with a sense of NEWNESS that only god can give. The hurt runs deep but there is a sense of hope- for the first time in FIVE YEARS. I think that’s progress. So for today- I’m changing. And slowing down to soak in the moments around me. I want to remember this boys golden freckles on his pale skin& that mop of red curls. That’s how I am. Glad you’re back, Glennon. You create good community in this messed up chaotic world 🙂 thank you
Missed you, Missed you, now I want to kiss you! Welcome back, Beautiful Friend.
YAY……I am so glad you are back. I just read your blog to my husband….he laughed a bit…but mostly he just “listened” because if he didn’t he would fear for his life the rest of the day…Just kidding..sort of.
How am I really doing? This second..really totally great…It’s truly about breathing and learning…breathing and learning. Practicing The Daring Way researched and developed by Bren’e Brown helps me embrace my imperfections and practice empathy every chance I get…..and I get a ton of chances. You are a part of my practice, Glennon. We can do this thing called LIFE much better together….I’m with you dear MONKEE!
I am so glad you’re back! I’m wasn’t doing well quite honestly – or at least I wasn’t. Sitting in my office at my high stress job had become physically painful, the familiar tinges of depression were lurking around me for the past few weeks. And then I read your post about depression, about the forgetting that goes on in that black hole…and I am slowly pulling myself out. I’m showing up. Today I published my first post on the blog I’ve been wanting to start for months, ever since I met you in Baltimore. I just pray that someday it can be as helpful to people as Momastery is, I’ve lent out your book to every Momma and woman I know. Xoxo.
Welcome back, Glennon!! You, by the way, have a beautiful family 🙂
Welcome back, I missed you and your blog!
Shelly
Finally bought your book. Loving it. Missed you during your break. This blog gets me through many tough times. Thank you for that.
How I am for REAL: I’m scared. I haven’t taught in a school for 10 years and am praying for an interview in the next two weeks. I don’t want to screw this up. I don’t know if I should want the job or not. I don’t know what God has prepared for me. I KNOW I am an awesome mother and I would be an amazing teacher. AND I KNOW for REAL….I’m thankful that I’ve found Momastery again…and that I CAN do hard things! Thanks Glennon!!!
Carry On, Sister 🙂 much love!
Yes you can!
“Monkees – DID YOU MISS ALL OF OUR CAPS AND GROSSLY OVERUSED AND ABUSED ITALICS AND BOLDNESS????? ”
YES!!!
My children are all back in school, like yours. I go to work most days, but some days I don’t and I listen to the silence in my home, and I cherish it. We have four kids–two of them have special needs, some of them are teenagers, and I love them, but they are REALLY loud, and I like quiet.
I am a cancer patient. I have been now for three years. I fired my doctor, sort of. I found out that his nurse was mishandling my medical information this spring, and I walked out of the office and never went back. And even though I know I have cancer, and that generally you should DO something about that, I decided that since I love summer and fall and my kids, and I don’t feel that bad, I would spend the summer pretending I didn’t have cancer and I would think about it in the fall. And now tears are falling on my computer because it is fall, and it is time to do something about it again.
So I guess I am a little overwhelmed with reality. But it was a grand, grand summer.
so glad you are here, Karla 🙂
Actually pretty damn good; thanks for asking! Pulled off a surprise 17th birthday party for our son and twenty of his teenage buddies last night…catered by Waffle House and topped off with ice cream cake. Feeling blessed that, after 17 years of parenting, it doesn’t appear that we’ve ruined our son; he’s such a great kid (understanding that all teenage boys have their “moments”).
Also feeling blessed that you’re back. Of all the bloggers that I read…the Christians, moms, emergants, thinkers, creatives and pot stirrers…you are BY FAR my favorite! If we knew each other IRL we would probably be best friends…like really. I’m a Christian, have a gay Christian brother…what you write resonates so much!!
Molly, I can’t wait til my oldest is 17 🙂 really!!! 🙂 So glad you are here! Much love
How real am I? Right now I’m pretty low. While I won’t go into detail, things with my oldest son are making life very…hard, difficult, frustrating. He’s not living in my home right now because of some choices that he made and he’s having to deal with those consequences, but it still effects the whole family. I think it’s hardest on me because I have to live in the community with the people that he hurt knowing that some of those people will never forgive ME just because I am his mother. ‘I should have been a better parent, I should have known what was going on’. By dang! It’s hard being a parent.
hugs, sweetie
Xoxoxo
We all want to be a good parent. And the hard truth is, none of us is the parent we should be. But when we love our kids with all of God’s grace, even when they screw up, then by God’s grace, we are doing a good job.
Sending you love and prayers.
Really how am I? Oh, man. I am an exhausted mess. I despise the first two weeks of school. I hate feeling like I’m shot out of a cannon in the mornings. I thoroughly am sick of eggs in the morning. And ketchup, because t,hats about all my sweet child will eat. I’m doing little things to help my tired self and they are helping. It’s slow going though.
Thanks for the space to vent. Missed you a lot!
xo
Lynn
hugs, Lynn
It’s so good to know I’m not the only one that feels that way. “Shot out of a cannon in the mornings” is the perfect way to describe it. I can’t wait to get to work because it’s easier and more relaxing than the before-school mornings.
And if I eat eggs one more morning I may scream. I am so sick of eggs!
Well, I didnt know you were gone for 40 days, since my friend had only referred me to your site a handful of times, however, with that being said I did love this post. It’s so nice to see someone other than myself being refreshingly honest and authentic and not being ashamed or trying to glorify themselves by maximizing all their positives and throwing out all the other negative details that might get in their way of seeming perfect. I still remember the exact moment that I could no longer dissuade myself that my own little monkey truly had ADD and that I was going to have to battle with his disorganized brain every morning for the next 20 years,,or until he finally moved out, which ever came first. We were in the throws of mid morning rush to get out the door and yet again somehow he had gone from perfectly dressed to standing naked again in the lionh room. I was gently reminding him of how to put on his underwear for the fifth time when it dawned on me that a good 45 seconds had passed and he still had his underoo’s locked around his ankles, when I asked him what on earth he was doing he just looked up at me with his gorgeous green eyes and the most blank stare as if to say “what are you talking about?” How does it take six tries and 20 verbal commands to get to your underwear from your ankles to your bottom? It was if he had no clue where he was or what he was doing, he had no understanding of the urgency in the matter, and looked at me as if I had three horns coming out of my head, as if I was the crazy one. That was four years ago and today he is a fifth grader and today while while I might not have to reminded him about his underwear, I did have to remind him to put on shoes as we were walking out the door, for the second time. How does one forget to put their shoes on? Backpack? Check! Water bottle? Check! Lunchbox? Check? Book for the ride? Check! Shoes?????? Ummmm… Ummmm… Du..du… DOH! Bless you, you must be a saint! I only have one and I still have more days than not where my fantasy is of instead a deserted beach somewhere, it’s a cot in our county’s mental facility…Free food, sleep, board games, NO RESPONSIBILITIES! It’s like paradise, without the bill. Haha. Good luck out there! And thanks for your willing to share!
Love you, Shannon 🙂
G,
I missed you! Also it’s been tough without you. I am having my first baby. I found out I’m a carrier for Fragile X which is the leading cause of mental and physical handicaps. I felt so alone and there was no you to help me do my hard thing with your wit and silly and love. I did it though, I did an amniocentesis, and did crying, and did genetic testing & counselor meeting, I did the results being the baby boy I am having is also a carrier, I’m still doing the decision making on future kids as I get to do this frightening roller coaster of unknown scary every time. I’m trying to do the next right thing, I just don’t know what it is or what I feel really. And this forced sobriety thing did not help when all I wanted to do was run to a big drink of bourbon or vodka. So I’m glad you’re back. You make the doing less hard. The monkees make the doing less hard. It feels good to be back with you. Like a fresh breath of air. Life is so hard sometimes and this helps so much to make the brutal more brutiful. Can’t wait to get enveloped back into monkee-land. I think it is very needed.
much love, Alex
Thanks Kate!
I am not going to read all 698 other responses to see if someone already made this comment. But I thought your blog today was very Socrates a la Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure: True wisdom comes from knowing that you know nothing.
But hey, that is life. I would love for someone to come out with a manual so that I can figure my life out finally, and get something right. Only, honestly, I would never take the time to read it because it would be huge, with lots of indexes because I could never figure out how to apply it to my own little situation unless someone spells it out, because generalities I don’t get–in general.
Or I guess the manual could be very short: Be Nice, (or something.)
There was something you used to post, like a tagline? and it was like that, and I liked it, but of course now I cannot remember what it was.
Honestly, that works pretty well, I guess.
love it 🙂 much love, Valerie
Sometimes I’m good. Sometimes I’m bad. Sometimes I’m on some odd euphoric high, other times I am on the floor sobbing my eyes out. I am not anything, I am everything. Life is so, so, so hard. In the midst of it all are tiny blessings that just barely keep your head above the water until the next wave comes. That is how I am.
sending love, Nikki
Goodness, Glennon!
Can I just state the obvious here and note that You Were Missed!
I love where I am in life and I love where it’s going. Surely, I’m in the midst of a summer, but I’m not looking towards impending winter right now. I’m just basking in the sun and loving where God has placed.
But I’m also hoping that the energy that comes from joy will enable me to help others get unstuck from their own winters. We all have ups and downs and I believe that one of the things we can do when we’re in an up is to reach down and hold strong to somebody slipping into their down. So, here we go! I’m ready!
much love, Holly
I am so incredibly glad you are back….while you were gone….I was praying for you to find health, happiness and peace of mind….but I was also counting the days till your return!!! (selfish, i know!!!) My life has been a holy hell of crazy-ness all summer and now its back to school and 21 4 year olds, football practice, coaching cheer, after school clubs, meeting and running the house. So I”m crazy busy and will be ever so happy to take a quiet time in that day (usually around 6am when i sit on the couch with the dog and drink my first cup of coffee…) and read what you have written. I love you. I’ve missed you- and if you ever need a sister…you know where to find me. xoxoxox
hugs, Marcy
So happy you are back. My church folded last Sunday and I have been ridiculously sad. I’m thankful for your humor and real life commentary. Reading this post about hectic school-morning insanity made me giggle.
hugs, Jennifer
First time commenter, discovered you while you were on “fast”. Happy to hear a more current you.
Last night was one of those nights that had me driving the local freeway loop at 12am with the music really load in an attempt to sort through all the thoughts. Being a parent is the most brave and vulnerable thing EVER. Headstrong, sensitive, large vocabulary almost 12 year old boys are HARD WORK.
Welcome Heather!!!!!!! So glad you’re here!!!!!
thank you!
Brave AND vulnerable. Never thought of it that way. It is so, so true. Thanks for that. <3
it is how I feel about it at least. thanks for your reply 🙂
Let’s see…I need to load the dishwasher, fold the laundry, clean off the dining room table, organize the mountain of paper that comes home from school each week, start dinner, start organizing my “office” before winter comes and I want to throw it all out because I’m sick of tripping over it all. But it’s easier to find excuses to be on my computer and avoid all of that.
I gotta say, I am pretty great right now. My love and I are on track, for today. My child is amazing me and not making me feel like a total failure as a parent, for today. I’m cool with my post-baby body, loving it while still trying to better it, for today. For today, I am pretty great.
I’ve been really low lately. So low that after years of denial that maybe I need some kind of help outside of talking to someone that I maybe need some kind of medication. I’ve been so low that I started to think this was really who I was… scared, sad, tired, angry, resentful, hopeless. But yesterday– YESTERDAY!– I saw someone and laid it all out. And today I started medication to treat whatever this is. I’m really scared, but I also feel really hopeful for the first time in a long time.
Good for you! Hang in there.
I’m so happy you got help! Whether it be finding someone to talk to or taking medication, or both! You are not all those “things,” and bad feelings, they are just a part of what you are going through right now…..I know, I have been there….more than once. You will come out the other side stronger! I know it!
Good on you Kate.. sometimes the first step is the hardest! x
I am SOOO glad you are back. I need a sane place to read to just BE.
You may regret asking everyone how they really are though. 40 days ago, I thought I was doing pretty OK. Everything seemed fairly normal. It was summer break and I have a 15 year old who was moody and bored – so, as I said – normal. But then…………I got a phone call from my husband while I was at work that I needed to get home. My daughter tried to hurt herself. WHAT????? My husband left for work and shortly realized he forgot something. When he returned, he found our daughter’s boyfriend in our house. He yelled and told him to leave and then went downstairs for a couple of minutes to calm down before going upstairs to talk to our daughter. In those 3 minutes, she dis-assembled a disposable razor and cut her arms from top to bottom. Our lives changed in that instant.
We took her to the emergency room. After 6 hours there, they transported her to an institute that specialized in self harm and addiction where she spent most of the next 2 weeks.
We now have her in counseling once a week. But we live in a source of constant fear for her. We have tried to put up almost everything sharp. But you can’t exist like that. We walk on eggshells to try to keep everything OK. But it’s hard…and exhausting. School has now started back and that brings all new stresses and fears. We have to have someone home when she gets home. I feel like she cannot be left alone. I know this has to change. But I feel stuck. I can’t trust her to take care of herself. I am not sure I trust me to take care of her either.
If anyone has been through anything similar, please email me. I just don’t know where to go from here.
How can we get your email? I don’t see it.
I should say—I may be able to help, and would at least love to try. 🙂
Thank you! I would appreciate any advice! My email is
[email protected]
I have been where you are at, and im sorry to have to say that. im sorry as well that you are in this situation now too. My daughter cut herself for the first time when she was 13 and now she is almost 15. It was so hard to know that she had the capacity to hurt herself. It’s so scary and im so glad that you are getting outside help. That is what we did. It has gotten better but I also feel like you do, like she can’t be left alone. I try to walk by Faith and not fear in this situation and I will pray ( right now :)) that you can do the same. I send virtual hope to you.
So glad you are back! You were so missed. What’s new with me is that I moved home from Europe which was hard, but you know, silly hard. And then it led to a different kind of hard—I’ve realized that there is such an emphasis in this country in doing it “right” in having the “best” in being “perfect.” I knew it before we left, I knew it when we were gone, but all of a sudden, i feel like I’m drowning in it. Now I’m second guessing every choice, I feel like I’m shaking instead of stretching, I’m losing my ability to follow my leading in my feeling like whatever choice I’m about to make will have unequivocably negative impact. In short, I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. And remembering what I learned last year that little things don’t matter, and it’s so much more beneficial to allow things to be without trying to make them fit some crazy ideal of perfection, is a challenge. So I’ve decided to end my blogging career, where I wrote about all of this, and instead edit my blog into a book, so I can dive in and really remember those fragile observations I made last year. Try to soak them up as it were. Because I was much happier letting go of all the petty and ultimately unimportant trappings of what a country hell bent on success tells me is vital. So that’s my intention. To not spend 15 minutes in the hair care aisle trying to figure out which is the best shampoo (since I’m used to that hair care aisle having like 10 shampoos), and instead grab one that smells good and be on my way. To pick the piano teacher for my son that lives in the neighborhood so he can walk to lessons, even if we haven’t tried out every teacher with openings in town, because she’s great and the impact on the family of him being able to walk to his lesson is softer. In short, I’ll remember to breathe in. Then breathe out. Hopefully. Feel free to poke me out of my stupor if you see me slack-jawed in the detergent aisle.
Michelle, thank you for writing this! I am going through same thing. Re-learning to listen to my instincts and to trust myself and my choices, harnessing the Adult Me and sending the child version off to play. It is weirdly hard, and so important. Thanks for sharing. You’re not alone.
This piano teacher would love to have him. Im learning to slow down around here too. Way to go mama! And pick one that smells extra yummers!