At the San Francisco book signing, a woman approached me and smiled. I smiled back. I usually go in immediately for THE HUG but something told me to hold back for a moment. This woman looked me intently in the eyes and said, “I want you to know that I disagree with much of what you wrote in Carry On, Warrior.”
I thought: Well, we’re off to a good start.
But she wasn’t done. She continued with this:
“But you and your book have taught me that I can love someone with whom I totally disagree.”
I stared at her for a few long, brutiful moments. And THEN I went in for THE HUG. She’s probably still a little bruised.
Because YES. That’s it!!! We are never, ever – not in a million years – going to all agree. We KNOW that, right? So then why is our daily goal still this:
1. Keep trying to get everyone to agree with me.
No, no, no. That’s insanity! It’s an actual definition of insanity – to keep doing the same things and expecting different results. When we overtly or subtly shame people (in person or on social media) for thinking differently than we do – we create more distance between us. More distance is war, not peace! And so our goal should be less distance between us. Because the closer we get to each other, the easier is it to see our common humanity, and the harder it is to be afraid of each other. We fight when we are afraid. When we stop being afraid of each other, we will stop fighting. And so we have to conquer our own fear of each other – we don’t have to conquer each other.
But we must to be gentle with ourselves about it because it’s very, very hard to conquer fear. And so to help ourselves get there- we’ve got to take a deep breath and a leap of faith. We have to invite people to step out of their corners by putting down our guns (or words –or agendas – whatever our weapons of choice are), holding out our empty hands and saying with our words and our postures and our spirits, “I want peace so badly that I’m willing to listen if that’s what it takes. I’m even willing to let you speak first. And while you are speaking I will not be formulating a reply. I will not be identifying all the ways you’re wrong. I will be considering all the ways you could be right.”
I’m really not sure that peace is something we can fight each other for. I afraid it might be something we have to shut up a little for.
Shutting Up,
Glennon
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
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85 Comments
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[…] scriptures … and I read Sue Monk Kidd and Charlotte Bronte and Madeleine L’Engle and Glennon Melton. And I write and pray and laugh with friends and rest and do yoga and apologize and forgive and […]
A person’s greatest emotional need is to be appreciated. Maybe their second greatest need is to be heard. Really heard, like when God says Be Still and Listen. Does anyone ever ‘respectfully disagree’ anymore? I can’t hear over the ‘my way or the highway’ shouting these days. Many of us do not speak because we don’t want to be bullied into agreeing – when we really just want to be heard or respectfully disagreed with, not harangued.
Agree or disagree, we love you G. Because you speak for us, to us, and you listen to us.
[…] to the many reasons I wish she would move into my neighborhood, she chose to write about this: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/07/18/you-do-not-have-to-agree-with-me-to-love-me/ and begged the question of why do we make getting people to agree with us our goal. Great question, […]
Regarding shutting up…
One of my daughters was going through something hard,
and, being the “fix-it” mom, I was blah blah blah- ing
about what to do. Another daughter walked over next to
her sister and just held her hand and they cried together.
Do you know which response meant the most?
Shutting up and active listening…. Pure acts of love…..
Thank you Glennon.
You are loved.
I am shutting up.
Yeeeeee Haw!!!
I think more difficult than letting someone have the first word is letting them have the last word. The last word is assumed to be the winning word, the final say, an argument for which you have no rebuttal. By choosing to release the power of the last word, we deny our pride, deny our crazy self-driven human desire to always be right. May we be OK with that.
This post just kept me from sending a snarky e-mail to my MIL. Thank you Glennon!
Good job!
YUP, needed this to remind myself to tell myself more often to “shut the hell up and just LISTEN!” Amen, G.
Oh my gosh, G!! Yesterday I stopped by the library and found out it was MY turn to read Carry On, Warrior. I was so excited that I think I tossed the phrase, ‘this feels like Christmas’ to the librarian! Anyways, I just got a kick out of the packed lunch-in-the-conference room part!! So fun and such a great idea! (I’m not much of a cook myself, so I GET it.) (Also, I once wore white to a wedding…which, by the way, was NOT my wedding. My friends still tease me about this, and I still ask of them: where did you learn these things?!! What other things don’t I know that everyone else knows?!!)
Am loving your story 🙂
I disagree with 90% of my best friends on 50% of things.
We’ve learned to love each other not despite our differences, but sometimes even because of them.
Every once in a while you will have a post that just SPEAKS TO ME. I guess I should say “shouts at me” with those captal letters! Thank you, thank you and have a beautiful day!
Bravo! So well stated.
I run a civic education program for youth and this is exactly what we say when we work with kids or train teachers, especially about discussing difficult issues: Listen as if everything you thought could be wrong. That makes for stronger beliefs not weaker ones. And look for common ground even when you disagree — almost no issue has just two sides. Kids are so much better at this than us when given the proper support. I wish our decision makers modeled it better for them.
YES! Very well put.
I watched this Ted Talk this morning and thought of you and this group. It is about fear and love and I think you’ll like it.
Thank you for all that you say and all that you do.
xo Andrea
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd06mzZ7Omk
This is so great and true and beautiful. Thank you, thank you G 🙂 I wish it was as easy to remember as it is to read. Trying my best to incorporate this into my every second, every day life.
And isn’t that the more unconditional love? Someone who loves even when they can’t see eye-to-eye? Beautiful. Thank you for bringing that goodness out in people, Glennon.
G,
This is so perfectly timed as I have been in so many hard conversations with white people about racism in the last month and feeling so frustrated. It’s really, really hard for me to figure out how to keep loving them even when they are saying and doing things I find ignorant or hurtful or relatively harmless but in my judgy mind not good enough. It’s been brutal. I’m in the process of writing a piece about this and I’m calling it “A love letter to my white brothers and sister”. I’m trying to figure out how to have these conversations with a little less fire and brimstone and a little more compassion and love. It sure ain’t easy 🙂
I am convinced the majority of people do not WANT to be racist and do not THINK they are, and STILL engage in subconscious racial profiling ALL THE TIME. Since they don’t think they are racist, accusations of racism only make them offended and defensive. There has to be a way to start this discussion that will help people open their minds and examine and challenge the way their unacknowledged preconceptions contribute to racism.
Out of the mouth of babes ~ Watch this video G and you will have hope that some parents are raising children to be blind to differences.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VifdBFp5pnw&feature=player_embedded — Kids React to Controversial Cheerios Ad
I love that video and those kids !
Amen. I keep trying to start the conversations but they’re often in Facebook threads with strangers, so as you can imagine, it’s not going well. They only way I’ve been able to figure out how to do this with any modicum of success is use myself and the racism I can see running in my head as an example. White anti-racism demands that we start with the premise that all white people are inherently good and lovable b/c otherwise we all get totally paralyzed by guilt and shame for our own actions and those of our ancestors. I’m getting less and less ashamed about having racist thoughts b/c I’m getting more and more clear that I didn’t choose to get those messages installed in my brain. None of us did. But I have a responsibility to do something about it: to get better at seeing when the tapes are running and to not act on them, to figure out how to be good allies to people of color. This last part, to me, includes not pretending like race doesn’t exist, since my friends of color get treated differently based on their race by the vast majority of white people, whether the white folks admit it or not. There are countless experiments that show that we have biases and act on them all the time, without even realizing it. It doesn’t make us bad, it just means we’ve learned some things we can choose to unlearn.
I am of mixed race and most people assume I am something I am not… I like to point out we are all HUMAN, and it shouldn’t matter what particular “flavor” we are… or mix of flavors for that matter….
Glennon, when I read your words, I can also hear God’s whisper behind them.
xoxo
Me too, Jennifer!! I am pretty certain God asked her to write this one for me TODAY. Needed it!! Definite God Wink…
G, my first reaction was to get annoyed on your behalf – ‘why did this woman even bother?’ – but then I read other gracious responses here & realized I was missing the point. Thank you. Love you!!!! SarahLICMom
In church last Sunday the pastor told the story of Cain and Abel.
He said if you have self righteousness in your heart and you are full of the need to be RIGHT, there is no room for the opposite, which is openness, acceptance, and love.
I was channeling my inner Glennon last weekend during a visit with my SIL. We have a history of lots of friction, judgement, criticism, etc. despite having so much in common that “on paper” we should click. Last weekend, I shut up. I stopped giving advice (which wasn’t being asked for in the first place) and I LISTENED. Then I encouraged. Then I listened some more. All of which is very new behavior for me. I was thinking of Glennon and this movement the entire time. I’m not sure how SIL felt, but I left the encounter knowing that I brought my best self, and that felt really good. “I want peace so badly that I’m willing to listen if that’s what it takes.”
I started doing this too, with my stepdaughter. It works!!
Wonderful post … you are SO wise beyond your years. You help to teach this old dog new tricks, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
it so often feels like we are engaging in a bunch of “sideshow” debates. real dialogue has been replaced with over-the-top antics and harsh words or the ever popular social media memes that people pull together. every social media status update becomes a soap box; and i’m just as guilty as the next facebooker, but i try to balance my need to say things that i think matter and listening to someone who disagrees and believes the same of their thoughts and opinions. i’m not sure how much real dialogue is happening anymore outside of these sound bite virtual podiums…
thanks for the reminder. meaningful dialogue includes really listening, letting our exchange of words marinate and be woven together with a bit of heart and soul – compassion, empathy.
“My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.” Here’s to forever tries.
Love how you get right to the heart of the matter so often! My favorite line: “I’m really not sure that peace is something we can fight each other for. I afraid it might be something we have to shut up a little for.”
I don’t know the woman who disagreed with you. But I love her. How brave she was!! How powerful she was by stating her heart honestly AND kindly!! Wonderful, super disagreeing woman, you have made my heart so full to hear of you!
Glennon, I love you so much. That is all.
thank you for saying what others are afraid to say. you have such a unique perspective on the world and i love how the Lord is using you to spread his love.
“And while you are speaking I will not be formulating a reply. I will not be identifying all the ways you’re wrong. I will be considering all the ways you could be right.” I need that on a poster on my wall. To remind my husband that I am not out to get him, and to remind ME that sometimes I can sound like I am out to shoot down every single idea someone has simply because it wasn’t MY idea that they liked best.
I needed this today. Thank you.
My social worker that did a surprise visif at 8 am needs to read this.
Glennon, I really recommend you check out Stephanie Dowrick, an amazing Australian thinker and writer. This was the status update on her Facebook page today. Peace out!! “I was asked recently what I see as the most urgent issue facing humanity right now. It is, I believe, peace-making. Our attention to environment, social and gender justice, economic equity would all change if we took as our first responsibility to one another the need to “care for one another as we would wish to be cared for” and to resolve conflict without harm. Surely we are capable of this? This is my prayer and my passion. I so deeply appreciate the engagement many of you have with this also. Yes, it is indeed the Golden Rule. Time to learn it.” P.S. I am going to suggest that she check out Momastery too! xx
YES.
Thank you.
Please tell every single person in the world…. especially the ones in charge and the ones on Facebook.
I second the motion.
This fear makes so much sense in the mom world. When that mom is saying something against what I am doing, it could be out of fear that what they are doing isn’t best, or that I might be judging them! We’re all just doing the best that we can.
Thanks for the ah-ha moment!
[…] Read entire blig post here: http://momastery.com/blog/2013/07/18/you-do-not-have-to-agree-with-me-to-love-me/ […]
I love this! So true, but you are right, it does not come naturally. Thank you for this wonderful reminder to try.
AMEN and AMEN!! There are so many folks I want to share this with.
(Currently and especially the North Carolina Legislature.)
Show up, listen with an open heart, and don’t be married to any expectations. Amazing how pleasantly surprised you might be.
Thanks, G
love this. needed to hear it. will be sharing it.
thank you, Glennon!
Funny, I was thinking something quite similar today. I’m a big pro-lifer, and I’ve never been able to say I’ve been a friend to anyone who’s ever had an abortion, much less had a simple conversation with them in which I was not cursing them in my head. But you are different. …and, have initiated a difference in me. And I’m pleasantly surprised that I haven’t run the other way from you. 🙂 Further, I respect and appreciate that you accept that it was a part of your life – as a truth of yourself. And while you may have a different outlook on things now, you don’t hold any guilt over yourself for making the decision you made then. It’s really made me hold myself accountable for holding guilt over anyone else for the same reason. It’s a little bit ridiculous. Thank you for being YOU, and helping me to recognize that everyone has God given gifts to share, so long as we don’t shut them out before we get to see how beautiful they really are. 🙂
Suzi, What a wonderful comment. I just wanted to say — it’s quite possible that you do have a friend who’s had an abortion, she just hasn’t told you.
How interesting that this woman who disagreed with much of your book still read it and then came to the book signing! If that doesn’t speak to the power of your message of LOVE, I don’t know what does! 🙂
BTW, I am halfway through your book (What can I say? I’m a slow reader) and I love it. And I laughed out loud reading about how you questioned your college giving you a diploma. I went to the same school you did and I still have that feeling 20 years after graduating, Glennon!
This made me cry…I am so sick of all the fighting and sniping that is our society. I often feel hopeless about the future of our race because it seems people would rather rant about their issue rather than EVER try to see the other side. I wish everyone would read this and follow it. Thank you Glennon.
“I am so sick of all the fighting and sniping that is our society.” Yes. Exactly.
I just want to throw this out there. Love Momastery and agree with most of what you say, Glennon. I really miss your writing and the old blog. It seems like it is very rare that we get a real post anymore (that is more than a few sentences) that talks about your life and what is going on with you and day to day. More and more, they are becoming your way to responding to haters (if anything at all). I say this with love, because this used to be my favorite blog ever. I used to just race to my computer every day to see what you wrote and laugh at your stories and smile at your pictures of the family…and it really isn’t that anymore. Maybe there is a reason for that. Maybe because things have gotten so much bigger, you’re keeping your life more private. I miss hearing about what’s going on with the kids and the silly story that happened between you and Craig. One of my favorites is that series when you guys lived at that country house and seeing the pics of your family so happy there. I just wanted to tell you that, because I miss that. Would you mind at all telling your oldest fans why it’s so different now? Help me understand. Love you, Glennon. And again, totally not trying to be a hater here.
I haven’t been a reader as long as AL, but I’d kinda have to agree … I love reading how you think about life, and that would only be enhanced by reading more about how you *live* life. Philosophy is not born in a vacuum …. plus, your actual life is so fun/real to read about!
I get it that there are seasons in a writer’s life. Live the season you are in. I’ll wait, if I need to!
Joyful, that’s kind of what I meant to say and didn’t say well here. 2009-2012 was a completely different blog than what she writes now. And I know that times have changed, momastery is bigger, she’s busier, and has had struggles. I just miss that old stuff and thought that maybe if I let her know, she’d explain a little and/or write a little like that again..sometimes.
AL, I understand that you would like her Glennon’s blog to be different, but you *have* been reading it, right? I still need to go back and catch up on years of it, and I like the light-hearted ones, too, but this has not been an easy breezy year for her. As someone who has been in that black hole of depression, I would like to tell you, very lovingly, that we Monkees are very lucky to be getting blog posts at all. I believe that she writes from where she is, and she has been in some very hard places. The fact that she has been able to write anything after that one is a blessing for us. Me, I wouldn’t be able to reach a keyboard from inside that hole, and I’d bet money that her doing that took a heck of a lot out of her.
Maybe she’ll get back to what you want; maybe she won’t, or not in the way you want. I wasn’t there in 2009(?) when she started writing, but I’ve been through a lot since then — we all have, four years worth — and for many of us, some thing or things along the way have changed us as individuals. That factors into what we do and how we do it.
When I found Glennon, her FB page likes were in the 60,000+ range. They have jumped by a whopping 50% since then, and that was only a few months ago. I’m thinking that maybe that could be a little intimidating and that she may want to assess how much and what kinds of things she shares. She has had family struggles. She has had a book tour that includes not only signings that last for hours, but appearances on TV shows and in at least one magazine, probably more. She did a TedX talk. All of this from a person who is not, as she tells us so often, an extrovert. I believe that every time she is out there, it takes a great deal of “brave.”
And yes, she wrote one or two things that opened herself up wide – again – and people stomped on her. Instead of walking away from her blog, they told her how wrong she was, that she was going to hell, and many things more cruel than that. I’d be worried if she was writing perky things at that point.
She has let us know that she is starting to see some light after so much darkness of depression, and if you haven’t experienced that, there aren’t actually words to convey it how dark it is, how suffocating.
When it comes right down to it, I have a feeling Glennon would *love* to be writing those glimpses-of-family-life that you would like. But she writes from where she is, and right now it’s not all sweetness and light; it’s limes and tweens and a bunch of other stuff, so that’s what we are privileged to have shared with us.
Or maybe I’m all wrong, but that’s how it appears to me. 🙂
Meredith–you are nicer than I am. My response to reading Al’s comment was “Glennon doesn’t owe you–or anyone–anything. Not her words. Not her stories. Nothing. How dare you ask her to explain herself to you?!?!”
But, then, I live with depression–and I know how hard it is to function some days. I have a tiny little blog and even a few negative comments can have me curled up under a blanket for days. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for Glennon.
This is Glennon’s space. It’s not her job to meet anyone’s expectations. She is not a trained seal. She is under no obligation to anyone here to share herself or her family with us. What she gives is a gift–and we have no right to demand gifts from her or to tell her what kind of gifts we expect from her.
Glennon–if you are reading this, please accept my thanks for sharing whatever you feel you can. Being a Woman With Opinions on the web is always a brave and risky thing to do. As one depressive to another, I appreciate the effort it must take to put yourself out there–but I hope you will take care of yourself, first and foremost, always. As they remind us on the airplane: Put your own oxygen mask on first, so that you can help the others with you.
This message “about” me was what she was talking about today, isn’t it? I tried to be as kind in my comment as I could…letting her know that I love her writing and her. I just said that I miss the kind of blog posts we used to get too. Listen..I appreciate every word we get from her…selflishly, I want more. I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but It’s been on my mind and I just wanted her to know that some of us miss that side of her. t suffer from depression also, so I completely understand not being able to muster up exactly what I’m missing. I’ve said before on here that I’ve gone weeks without looking at my phone because I just don’t have the strength or energy to talk to anyone. I get it. I know she’s got a million things on her plate that are none of my business. I get she is owed, like all of us are, a private life. I just miss some of that funny banter and hilarious mom/wife stories that we used to get on a daily basis. She doesn’t owe me any explanation. I wish her well in everything and will continue to be a faithful fan no matter what she writes about. Ok?
AL,
You stated your thoughts from the heart and were brave to share.
I wish there was an “audio” option with these comments so people could hear tone. It seems that we sometimes hear comments and react to them based on our own internal dialogue or things we’ve struggled with.
All you were saying was that you miss posts like some of the old posts. You were telling how you felt truthfully and kindly.
I think it’s good and brave that you shared how you felt. That’s one of G’s big messages – feelings teach us things. We need to acknowledge them and feel them and see what we can learn from them.
(writing this is making me want to go listen to the end of her TEDx talk again where she talks about that.
I’m going to add the link to this comment just for completeness and because it might help someone reading the comments who hasn’t watched it yet) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY
(Hugs)
Your response totally made sense to me. I know she is busy, I know times have changed, and I know the season of life is now different. I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. I wasn’t trying to be rude or make anyone defensive or angry. Also, we need to remember that when one of us has an opinion that we don’t agree with, we don’t need to go all bash that one person into submission in a “fight for Glennon.” That’s exactly what she was talking about today. We can agree to disagree about things. And I agree totally with what you all said anyways. I just miss the days of opening the blog and reading a funny story about what happened in her day to day life. It seems like the blog got pushed aside for the book and bigger projects, and I’m a monkee who loved the blog for what it used to be. That’s all. Doesn’t change my love for Glennon and sincere appreciation for her warriorness.
“I will not be identifying all the ways you’re wrong. I will be considering all the ways you could be right.” Don’t feel ashamed, Al.
I can’t speak for G but I would say that the book tour and recovering from that is a big part of it. Also I think as the kids get older, there is more of a need to protect their privacy.
I wasn’t here since the very beginning but have gone back and read old posts and there are some really funny ones. (Some are captured in the book which is great)
I really laughed at this one http://momastery.com/blog/2010/04/26/you-can-take-the-tish-out-of-the-mall-but-you-cant-take-the-mall-out-of-the-tish-2/
But I can see how with G’s kids having friends with parents who read the blog and those kids who might look over their parents shoulders and read the blog, she really has to think about how much she shares now.
I can see how you would miss the good ‘ole days. Wish I had been here since the beginning to read those real time with you and the early readers.
thanks for the recommendation, Kerry S! And what you and Meredith said makes sense.
Yes, this is where texting without the nuances of voice and body language can make things difficult. I’m sorry if you thought *I* was being defensive. My “tone of voice” was actually very calm, but it seems that you didn’t hear it that way. Not “blaming” you for that, AL. It’s a big drawback to primarily having only the printed word online. (Off-the-wall example: I didn’t “get” that Pride and Prejudice was funny until I saw it performed. Somehow I wasn’t reading it the way it was written.) I truly did not mean to sound as if I was jumping on you.
YES!
Best ever Catholic sermon I EVER heard….(ex-husband is Catholic). You do not have to like everyone, you know, be their best bud, want to hang out with them, and them understand them intimately,etc. You just have to LOVE them….make space for them in your heart as Jesus does for everybody.
I will “non-fight” more than ever after this beautiful reminder of what really matters. Thank you. 🙂
Yes Yes YES!!
(Not trying to be ironic by agreeing…)
True.
One of the best hug-instead-of-fight scenes ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6zjqv_aK_m4
I totally agree about our not agreeing. So wise and encouraging, THANKS for the needed reminder today, G! I prayed for you today and believe God’s lifting fog!
I love you AND agree with you. Wonderful post, I needed that today and I really hope I remember some of it the next time my father – in – law starts criticizing (bullying) me and I am normaly about to give a not so nice reply.
Nina
Yes! Yes! Yes! Right you are, Glennon. Contention divides people. Love unites. I’ve actually proposed a number of times on my political blog that if both sides really listen to each other open-mindedly, we just might learn something. And see the good instead of being divided so partisanly – often without sense or logic. On BOTH sides, mind you. Both need to listen. All of us need to listen! And learn.
Of course this applies in every single relationship between every single human being with any other – but I love how it could ease many political problems we face.