Good Morning Monkees!
As promised, today I will share what happened at my Lymie-Lupy appointment last week.
Prepare to suspend your disbelief.
First, the doctor said that not only was the Lyme still present, but it appeared as though the tick had given me ANOTHER disease that would have to be treated separately. I suspected this since my symptoms seemed to be worsening, but still. Boo. Then the doctor told me that since the tests also showed that my immune system was overactive and compromised, and might always be so, I would “need to make some permanent lifestyle changes.”
Me: Kay. What do you mean? I should probably stop vacuuming and putting all those clothes in and out of the dryer huh? I knew that was too tough on me. I told Craig.
Doctor: No, that’s not what I mean. What you need to do is stop eating processed foods.
Me: … Oh, I’m sorry. Could you repeat yourself? I thought you just said STOP EATING PROCESSED FOODS and I was giggling hysterically in my head.
Doctor: Glennon, you heard me right. Your immune system is sensitive and the chemicals in processed food are triggers for your auto-immune issues. From now on, you need to stop eating anything from a bag, can, or restaurant. No soda, no sugar, light on red meat and coffee. You will need to eat only organic fruits and vegetables, only organic meat, again, nothing processed.
Me: Well, I am going to assume that you do not include Cheetos, Diet Coke, or Taco Bell in this “processed food” category.
Doctor: I am going to assume that you are joking.
Me: I assure you I am not.
Doctor: Glennon, This is serious. You need to get well and stay well. But you also need to try to keep your weight up.
I thought: Ok, PHEW. Here comes the part where she tells me I can eat pizza and ice cream, too.
Doctor: So you will need to be sure to incorporate organic KIDNEY BEANS, GOAT CHEESE, AND NUTS into your diet as well.
At this point I laughed and felt incredibly grateful that I’d taken the time to apply lip stain and straighten my hair. I realized that, obviously, I’d become very, very famous from the blog and I was being Punked. I tossed my hair and tried to look equal parts cute and shocked while I waited for Ashton.
I started considering how dangerously low I seemed to be running on vice options. No cigarettes, no booze,and now no junk food. I predicted that next year I would be diagnosed with a rare air allergy, and would be told to stop breathing at my earliest convenience. But for some reason, the only thing I could think to say to the doctor was this:
I don’t have a pan.
Okay. Glennon, you should get one.
And then I burst out laughing again. A real laugh this time. Because you, guys, how perfect is this? Panless, Culinarily Incompetent ,Cheeto Dependent Blogger Forced to Turn Health Nut. I imagined God looking down at me, feet up, munching on Cheetos, and saying to Jesus:
Get over here – you’ve got to see this one! It’s our Panless Monkee Blogger getting the organic news! Brilliant!
I said: Allright. Fine, I can do hard things. Is there more? A little water boarding for good measure perhaps?
Doctor: Ha. Now we need to take you for some more blood tests.
Me: Wonderful. Lovely. Excellent. Bring It.
So we walked down to the blood lab and the nice blood lady started making small talk with me while she took FIFTEEN vials of blood. I tried to act brave and normal and laugh at the jokes she was making about how wimpy men are and how they pass out all the time while she is taking their blood.
In fact, I’m pretty sure I was still laughing when I passed out cold.
The next thing I knew I was regaining consciousness in a strange bed with my shirt off surrounded by worried strangers. This has not happened to me since my festive years.
As I came to and I figured out what was happening, I looked at all the nurses while chewing the granola bars they were shoving in my mouth and I thought:
Oh yeah. OHHHHH YEAH. The Monkees are gonna to LOVE this one.
And also, is this granola bar organic?
The plot thickens tomorrow. Lots of Love , G
Book club announcement tomorrow! Sorry for the change!
Author of the New York Times Bestselling Memoir CARRY ON, WARRIOR
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